On the mind.

2009-01-15T01:01:00.001-05:00

First I make a post saying I'm going to break up with Joe. My next post says I'm not going to break up with Joe. My next post should have said that I invited Joe to move in with me. Now my next post is saying that I'm moving to VA and the one after that should say that Joe is coming with.

I am extremely nervous right now and I'm not sure why. Things have been so up in the air lately. Up in the air since I moved out, I suppose.

I feel like just throwing up. Last night I was just really stressed. But now I'm nervous. I think it all started when my manager sat me down to complete my barista certification, which is supposed to happen BEFORE you start working, not after you're done working at Starbucks. But I finally got all of my workbooks done and she wrote out comments, and then sat down with me to go over them.

She was just very... honest about how she saw me. I feel like, even though she didn't see ME, per se, it seems like she's the first one to see my actions as good and respect me for it.

Well, I lie, many people have respected my actions in the past, especially teachers. So I don't know what I'm really talking about. But in this instance, I saw myself from her perspective and respected my own worth, as an employee, but also as a person. Because these qualities reflect the person I choose to display, the qualities I choose to display.

I had so much shit from people at work, so much criticism, resentment, hate, blame - it's to be expected. And Pam has always supported me, always believed in my sincerity, trusted me, saw me as a good person - instead of through the filter of other people's problems and issues that they refuse to deal with and so make me the scapegoat for.

As I think back on it, the qualities she noticed don't really matter. She said I was very organized and proficient in all areas. She said that I was a quick learner, good with customers, that I had specific attention to detail.

I suppose it was a level of control and intent that I expressed. I was always very conscious of the things that were going on and how to keep them organized, clean and efficient. She also said I handled stress really well, and I know this to be true because a lot of people freak out under the pressure and I never let it get to me. I never let the customers get to me, nor did I ever take out my feelings on the customers. Nor did I even let my problems with other people reflect in my work. The only thing that really got to me was being stuck on register all day and that's BECAUSE it impeded my ability to express all of the qualities Pam likes. I couldn't control anything, really, because I was tied to greeting the customers. I can't get anything done right, I couldn't clean or organize or restock or prepare or keep things orderly. And I wanted to.

I guess, I had all of these good qualities being displayed throughout my six months there and I felt they were going unnoticed and unappreciated, and yet Pam was very sincere, very supportive, very appreciative. On a personal level. It was so intimidate it made me nervous and uncomfortable afterwords. But in some sense, I almost felt this release, like I'm ready to stop working at Starbucks, ready to stop putting my all into it, because finally someone has noticed that this is what I've done.

I don't really care about Starbucks, but I put my all into it anyway, because if I'm involved in something, I can't Not put my all into it. If you're not affecting things positively, you're affecting them negatively and I just couldn't stand by and watch things go to waste, I couldn't stand by and see things that needed to be cleaned or restocked or prepped or pulled - in other words, I couldn't see Where I was needed and say no.

And I guess that shows an unselfish quality, and a desire to fill the voids around the world with my expression. It doesn't feel right to watch where things are going to waste and not do something to benefit that situation. It was my responsibility to make things better. I didn't care about the customers at all, I cared about the harmony of the concept, the function, I cared that it functioned correctly - to a certain degree, especially when it concerned organization.

I put so much OCD into it that my apartment became such a mess. (also because I hate cleaning in the cold) But the thing is, I wore my OCD out, letting it express itself for hours and hours at work, and I just couldn't come home and do it all over again with my apartment. I like to keep it as clean and harmonious as work, but I traded it for putting my all into work instead.

Again, I thought I had reached some manner of unconditional love for myself. But perhaps I'm only at a five. Perhaps I'm half way there. It felt like a ten or a nine at least, but I may have a long way to go yet.

I still haven't let the love be received. I still haven't allowed myself to receive unconditional love. I am so independent, I have little to no reliance on others (except my parents and there money and all that good stuff, but I have no other choice.) In every other way, I just don't --

Wow, I've been shaking uncontrollably for the past two hours and in an instant it stopped. Which is a huge relief because my legs were aching from the constant movement. Just from writing that last paragraph, suddenly the shaking has stopped. I suppose I hit the root of something.

I feel calmer now, more peaceful. Perhaps I know why this is. I just wrote in on the forum... the only way to conquer a wound is to step outside of it, since a wound cannot heal a wound. So I think by addressing it, I made the choice to step outside of it and observe myself from a place of Being, a place of Higher Consciousness, a place of ultimate confidence and peace.

The only place that can bring you understanding.

But the shaking is slightly returning, so lets go back to that place.

I never want to let others teach me. I never want others to tell me what to do. I never want others to tell me what life is about, or give me advice, or tell me specifically what my life is about. I don't want others help. I don't want to admit that anyone else knows better.

It's like, I've accepted that my opinions don't need to be aligned with others'. I've accepted that they know best how to become More in their life. I've accepted that they have wisdom and truth. but I'm still unwilling to let anybody else.. nurture me? I'm unwilling to let anybody heal me. I'm unwilling to let anybody guide me. I'm unwilling to let there be a flow between anyone and myself. I want to keep myself separated, disconnected, independent. I can let it flow out, on special occasions, but now it's time for me to let it come in.

Nurturance. I'm unwilling to let the "Mother" nurture me. I'm unwilling to let Mother Earth nurture me. I'm unwilling to let the material universe take care of me, support me. I'm unwilling to accept the unconditional love and in that sense, the unconditional servitude of support, of sustenance. I've always felt that we had to rely on ourselves, that we had to take responsibility. And of course, we do. This is a Father quality. And I feel that I have to control everything, that I have to fight everything, that I have to MAKE EVERYTHING HAPPEN.

And I sometimes forget that I'm not working against the current. I sometimes forget that the Mother Light doesn't want to work against me. It wants to nurture me, it wants to support me. It wants to be in harmony with me. I need to feel like when I dispel the illusions that cause Mother Nature to work against me on the superficial level, though with me on the subconscious level - as it is forced to do, that it will likewise mirror my Being. It Wants to.

My body elemental once said this to me. It doesn't want to carry out my flaws and diseases, though it has no other choice. It would like nothing more than to outpicture "perfection". Harmony. For some reason, I thought that it didn't want that for me. I thought that "Mother" didn't want that for me. I thought I had to fight for it, that no one was there to support me, to support my Being. I knew that "Father" supported me, because those are my strengths, my focuses.

I just need to accept nurturance. I'm still making the decisions, expressing my Willpower and Being. But I need to accept that "Mother" is willing to be in harmony with me, is willing to give me unconditional love, is willing to flow with me, instead of be an opposing force.

Or in that sense, I'M willing to flow with "Mother" instead of feel that I'm an opposing force, instead of feel that I must swim against the current.

I'm shaking again. And I'm so tense because my legs are trying to hold the tension, still the tension and its working the muscles so much. I need to do something about that. Meditate on it. Release the need to struggle.

2008-12-20T22:12:00.002-05:00

Maybe that's just simply my problem, I've fallen into victim consciousness. I'm a victim of victim consciousness. Only I'm purposely pulling the Woe Is Me card in order to...

Well, put it this way. A girl has her period, it's not the worst thing in the world but she hates and she wants to give nature a reason to get rid of it. But the fact that she has it, isn't good enough. So she makes it worse. Physically this isn't an easy job, not that many people consciously try. But subconsciously, we can upset the period cycle and make it, say, come every two weeks. That's hell. That's unfair. That SHOULD be a good enough reason for nature to say - okay, this isn't what you deserve, we'll get rid of your period all together.

That's just an example of what I'm doing.

I have not enjoyed the circumstances I have ever since I moved in. I don't enjoy the responsibility, I don't enjoy the self-discipline. I don't enjoy the dedication to work and landlords. I want the freedom to relax and have no worries. Hakuna Matata is my slogan.

But things aren't that bad, and they aren't good enough reason for me to quit or to receive help or to have reality give me a winning lottery ticket, you know what I mean?

But maybe if things GET bad, maybe I'll be the victim. It'll be like I simply CAN'T make it when things are going this way, and so someone will have to GIVE me better circumstances.

And technically, I know that Amelia, Joe and my parents would all loan or give me money in an instant. But I don't want short term help, I want long term help. I want a way to get rid of this situation for all future months. I don't want to deal with this struggle anymore. So I'm making it worse.

That's my problem. I'm self-sabotaging myself. I'm purposely fucking things up, just to make myself all the more the victim, so the universe will pity me.

But that's not how it works, and I know this. I'm blocking myself from making the circumstances better. It's an all or nothing thing. I've done this all my life. If I can't have things precisely my way, I won't have them any way at all, but that just doesn't suit reality and I have to do the best I can, I have to make circumstances the best they can be. Throwing a temper tantrum isn't going to make things better. I just have to accept that things won't be perfect and that I have to compromise. Afterall, I'm seriously only compromising with myself, not the universe. And how can I argue with that?

That's it.

P.S. I love Hilary Duff. She's smart, funny, real, sane. It's a relief. Restores my faith in humanity a bit.

2008-12-17T23:58:00.003-05:00

Why isn't this working? Why isn't my life working? I thought it would. I mean, I sort of expected that it wouldn't work, but I knew I had to make it work, so I came into it expecting that it would work.

So many things are wrong. Too many things are not going the way I wanted them to. And I hate admitting that.

I was so confident and self-assured that I could live a life without stress and chaos. I expected that I would draw to myself an easy lifestyle, that life would not push me around, could not breach my exterior.

Which doesn't make sense. Because either you have a life that allows you to be happy or you have a miserable life which is meant to effect you and push you to see what you're not seeing.

What am I not seeing?

It's hard to know because it's hard to identify what exactly is wrong.

So let's list them.

It began by working. I didn't want to be at Quiznos. It wasn't because of the people, it was because of the waste of time. And everything has gone down hill from there. It's better at Starbucks, of course. But also worse.

If I was to work at Starbucks on hot bar 24/7, I would have less of a reason to want to quit. But I work on register often and even an hour in one week kills me. I usually work like 20 hours in one week, though I cheat a lot and do other important things in order to avoid register.

Truth is, I don't make enough to sustain myself, the economy is going down so it's difficult to find anything better. They won't let me work overtime. I can't do things that I want to do because I'm tied to work. I can't leave, because I have to make rent. I'm forcibly tied to a place I don't want to be tied to.

That's such a huge problem that involves pretty much everything.

Money, that's the problem. My world revolves around money. It's not like money is just about wanting things. This reality forces you to work and then forces you to give them the money you earn in order to live. But there are things that I want. And denying myself these things constantly would be worse than just giving them to myself. I could spend like zero of my money. But I want to buy things for Amelia or Isis. I want to be able to afford healthy food. I pretty much haven't bought any clothes since I moved in, except a jacket and a pair of work pants, which I think Joe left at the laundromat, but I want to be able to buy myself clothes when I need it, which I do because I've gained weight and I don't fit in 7 out of 10 of the pants I own. No joke.

I have spent a lot of money on my apartment, on making it an apartment that I can be comfortable and content in. And that has at least worked. There aren't problems that hinder me each and every day which I know could be solved with more money, I've given myself everything I need and pretty much everything I want, as well.

The second huge problem is technology. It has given me more stress than it has ever given me. I've had my own computer for like six years. I actually had my own computer for a few years before that but internet wasn't alive then and it wasn't the same thing. I've never had so many issues. As soon as I moved in here it began.

I bought a wireless thing for my desktop so that I could use the wireless internet of my landlord. My computer hates that thing and often shuts itself down to protect it from the threat. Sometimes when my computer is shut off, it won't restart until I unplug the wireless usb drive.

So my dad bought me a 50 year old laptop. He really shouldn't have done that. I bought an external harddrive because my laptop had like 8 gb of space, which was insane. My laptop was too old, and didn't have enough power to read the external harddrive.

Then my laptop broke down, with my only copy of my book, yesssss... I send it all the way to Utah and my brother merely turns it on and it's okay. The harddrive had some stupid error.

I sort of learned from the laptop incident, so I put everything from my desktop on my external harddrive, so that if my desktop crashed, I would still have everything. Unfortunately, I hate having doubles, because then I don't know what's where, and when I combine things I have to go through everything one by one to make sure I don't delete something I thought I had. It just creates a waste of time and excess, so I like to have only one copy, so I pretty much deleted 98% of all the junk I put on my external harddrive. I thought that it would be the safest thing, not imagining the possible problems that could occur.

On the way down to VA Amelia breaks my wireless internet thing for my laptop. I should be grateful, she only broke the plastic, the thing still works, though it's less protected. Though I wasn't sure it would still work at the time.

I bring the external harddrive down to VA with me. My dad suggests I use a cord to plug it into the wall so that it has extra power and will work with my laptop. I plug a higher voltage than needed, now my external harddrive appears to be fried. Thank God my laptop still worked. I had a copy of my book on my desktop, my external harddrive, a cd and my laptop though, so it would have been alright.

Now I've lost plenty from my external harddrive, though not everything.

Couple days ago I took this past month's worth of editing on my book and put it on my usb drive. I had an earlier copy of my book on my desktop, but I wanted the newer copy on my desktop. That day my laptop starts having issues. Something about software being incorrectly installed and the computer shutting down to avoid issues. It restarts and everything is okay for a few hours or something but then it happens again. Then it restarts but only for a couple minutes and then it shuts down again. Then it won't start up at all. Now it's saying that the harddrive has imminent failure.

I have photos on there that I meant to copy, though none really important, I suppose. Ooh ugh. Thank the lord I didn't delete those photos from my camera, though they were only random pics of my living room, I believe. I kept them on the camera because I didn't trust my laptop. They're not on my desktop. Again, I hate having copies. I never know what's where. So I believe that I also have those newer pics that I'm thinking of on my desktop. And hopefully the others are online.

I could have fucking backed up my external harddrive online. The company I bought it from had a way to do that so that if something happened to the drive, you could log into the website or whatever and have all the stuff you needed. Amazing. I didn't do it, of course. Couldn't be bothered.

If I could have, I still wouldn't have done it because I would have procrastinated too much before it got fried.

I came out of the shower and asked Amelia why she wasn't checking her email. She said that there was a problem with both of my computers. The laptop had this issue I mentioned and my desktop restarted because of updates and wouldn't start back up because of the wireless usb drive that was a "threat". I just sat there between two fucked up computers hating how technology is punishing me and I told Amelia that the awesome thing is that my book was on neither of them, because it was still on the usb.

I'm afraid to put my book anywhere because it seems like wherever I store it, the damn thing breaks. It's like I have five copies of the book and one by one they're being destroyed. External harddrive down, laptop down... three more to go.

At least that's what it feels like.

And it's not just my tv or my dvd player or my radio. I did have an issue with my car, but it was an easy-to-fix issue, by God's grace. The point is, it's my computer. And my computer is so much of my life. A dvd player is generic. A computer stores documents, photos, conversations, emails. It's a huge form of self-expression and storage, memories, business, sentimentality.

Why am I having these things ripped from me? This has never happened before. Why is it now giving me so much stress? Why am I magnetizing this?

A book that you read isn't one of a kind. My computer stores one of a kind moments and memories and thoughts and communication. It stores photos, videos, documents, it's insane.

The thing is, out of everything I have, I have to say that my book is the most important thing in my life right now. Aside from the people I care about and would be more destroyed by losing than my book, there is nothing I care about more. When I lost my photos and my documents I tell myself, as long as I still have my book. When my laptop breaks down, I tell myself I could easily throw it in the dumpster, as long as I have my book.

But because of all this trouble with technology, because of working, because of this chaos in my emotional body, because I feel so not on track, not connected to my spiritual self, I can't finish my book. I can't dedicate myself to it. I sit down to write in it and I have to spend two hours fixing something.

Then of course I spend so much time with Joe. When I have a day off and I tell Joe I can't spend time with him, it always ends up correlating with a day that Amelia has Isis so I take the opportunity and hang out with one of them. Or I babysit Isis at my house. It's either Joe or Isis, or technology is down.

And if it's not that, I watch movies instead, because I'm addicted to losing reality.

Yes, some people have drugs or alcohol or books. I have movies. It comforts me to watch someone else's life go by, instead of be stuck in mine.

I can't Be. I want to stop everything and just Be. All those hours I spent alone in high school, I was learning to Be. I was discovering myself, testing myself, learning how things worked, learning how to make things work. I quit high school and I didn't work and I spent so much time alone in my room, not being social at all - and perhaps it was a waste of time in one sense.

But I was being. I was relaxed. I just had this flow of harmony. This freedom to keep that harmony flowing. I wasn't always happy, I had issues, but they came from the inside. And because I didn't have any obligations anywhere, I could deal with the problems. I sat down and I listened and I learned and I grew.

True, some of the problems I was dealing with for the past three years, I didn't solve until I moved out. But things are ten times more chaotic now than they were before these problems were solved. It's like my solution opened up a can of worms.

Which begs the question, did I really solve the problems?

This interactive lifestyle just doesn't work for me. I have a job, I have a landlord, I have a boyfriend, I shop for myself, I go to the bank, the laundromat, I have coworkers. I still don't really have friends, which is sad. But I still have Amelia and Isis and Joe's family and some of my coworkers are pals - though I don't have any concrete relationship with them.

In any case, I have so much pulling from the world, so much being taken from me. So much of my energy, my time, my effort, my focus, and not enough time to regenerate, rejuvenate, charge. I need time to look inward, to think, to hear my thoughts, to study my thoughts, to test my reactions and push myself to grow. I need time to listen to the messages that I send myself in order to overcome the unhealthy patterns I'm holding onto.

I can't write my book until I can find inner peace. But I don't have enough time.

Between work, Joe, Amelia, Isis, shopping, cleaning, escaping reality (a weekly dosage of movie time), and then organizing my book - which is what I seem to do because I can't focus and center myself enough to write and express myself the way I need to, to write my book... I just don't have the hours it takes to center myself.

I've already put my photography and organizing things aside. I neglect my myspace and surveys and if I had had the time, I would have sorted through all of the photos I own, made them perfectly organized and burned them onto dvds for backup. But I couldn't let myself spend 20 hours on that when I needed to finish my book.

I wanted to start school next semester but the financial aid isn't going through because my parents don't live in NY and I'm apparently not financially independent because of this or that, I don't know. My mom wrote me an email explaining it but I don't quite understand it the way she wrote it. School will take time away, but the financial aid would give me money left over, plus, getting my two-year degree done will possibly help me in career opportunities.

Truth be told, this kind of my unspoken plan. I think that I'm going to move near my parents. I'll probably transfer to a four year college in VA. They live near one though Erin told me it was hard to get into, not that I wouldn't try. I suddenly feel like writing my admissions essay...

I'm still going to do psychology and writing, there are probably alternative psychology career options that would be supported by a psychology degree. I'm not going after a Phd though.

I want to write because that's obviously where I find harmony. Out of all the solutions I can think of, the best one is writing. Writing articles, really. Expressing things to people who want to listen. Ironically, I'm not sure how to explain why it's in writing that I channel my spiritual self, but in this lifetime, that's just the path I've chosen.

Honestly, I want to work for Shangra-La. That's my parent's non-profit organization. They work for it, they get a salary. Shangra-La bought the house they live in, and they're going to build a School of Being. I want to be a teacher there. I think that's why I can express myself through writing.

Because people like to read more than they like to listen. When you write, you don't write for a single person, you write for an audience. And I don't care who it is, I just know that I can say anything I need to say and someone will read it. Or perhaps no one will, it doesn't quite matter. It's that I can direct it to an audience who, in my mind, cares.

I talk to my sister, I talk to my dad, I talk to my boyfriends but I have too much to say and not enough of it they'll listen to. Too much of it they reject. I have so much to share, so much wisdom to impart and so much teaching and healing to do. But I don't have an outlet, other than writing. I could easily speak, I love to talk, I love to express myself out loud. I talk to myself all the time, I repeat speeches in my head directed at imaginary people who will never listen to my entire story, because I love sharing my stories.

That's why if I was a teacher, the people who would come to me would be those willing to be students. And that's what I need. I need students. That's why I write, because you don't need the students to be even in existence. You write for future students, for future readers, for anyone who could possibly need it in the future. If I had to wait for someone to come to me and say - hey, I want to listen, I would never be able to express myself.

But it's not enough to even talk to myself, I have to share it. I was meant to share it. I took embodiment so that I could share it.

I feel so detached from this world. To so many people, this is all there is. To me, I Am so much more. I can't see it or understand it within my mental limitations, but I feel it and I remember it. I live my life with the magnification on - so in other words, I see the details, instead of the big picture. I focus on the moments and the experiences that come along with those moments.

But when I write, when I express myself, I know that everything I express comes from another source. A source that doesn't belong, isn't trapped, in the reality that I see when my life is on magnification.

It isn't as concrete as this world is. I see this world, I hear this world, I experience this world directly and confrontationally. But I know that everything I experience on magnification is just a face for all that's underneath. I know that if I felt that the face was all that was there, I wouldn't have any sense of direction or purpose. I would be aimlessly wandering, tormenting myself and leading myself in useless circles.

Maybe that's what I've stopped doing. I've stopped writing about me. When I write journal entries, I write a lot of things about life and the world and myself that are valuable for my book. But my book is directed at other people. I think that the flow of expression comes from self-expression, not from directing other people.

I stopped writing journal entries and I tried to focus on my book specifically. But I never write about myself in my book, I always try to write about other people and it doesn't make as much sense. It's not such a direct experience as what I detail and understand in my journal entries. I take risks explaining things that aren't before me. It's like detailing a painting that's in another room. So easy to get it wrong. But I'm here and writing about myself and what that means for philosophy, psychology and spirituality as well as reality and the earth and the meaning of life... well, it just simply works.

And that's really the answer. It doesn't matter what I'm magnetizing in my lifestyle, because the only way to solve the issues that are giving me bad outcomes is to meditate on them, listen to yourself. When you're not introspecting, the universe has to mirror to you, so that you can look outward and still see yourself. But that usually doesn't solve problems because we still think that we're seeing an objective reality and we don't realize what it's really reflecting.

The chaos will dissipate. I feel out of control because I'm not connected to my spiritual self and thus, I'm powerless, I can't understand myself in lower states of consciousness and I can't find solutions in lower states of consciousness. When I pull myself away from my higher self, when I stop listening and focus too much on something outside of myself, I can't discover what will help me.

And I can't write about my book if I'm not writing about what I know. I'm not describing the color of my eyes by describing myself. Or if I am, I'm describing the potential color of millions of other people's eyes. You know? There are many, many patterns in humanity. We're not like snowflakes at all. And to understand a quality that you possess, a pattern that you possess, an issue that you possess or a solution, is to understand something that someone else is going through too. Not everybody, but somebody. I need to write about the people who are like me.

I can still conjecture about philosophical issues that I'm not currently directly experiencing, just so long as they connect to my experiences and compliment them. If they're not relevant to my experiences, they're just tangents with no purpose and not convincing enough to apply to someone's life.

My experiences aren't conjecture because experiencing something is all the proof you need, if you trust your experiences or recognize them for what they are.

I need to experience myself instead of experience my mirror image through the world. Cause it's distorted and it doesn't make as much sense.

I have to go night night though. Work in 6 and a half hours.

2008-12-16T00:15:00.002-05:00

I'm sick to my stomach with pain and nervousness.

I plugged like a 12 voltage plug into my 3volt external harddrive three weeks ago. I had everything on there. And pretty much none of it anywhere else. I mean, I remembered that all the old, old stuff is still on cds. Like old photos and all of my music. Fuck my music. Why did I do my music first, when I should have fucking done my photos that mean - meant, so much more to me.

I was fucking shopping online for Christmas presents for Joe and Amelia. Shopping for a dragon and a sword statue for Joe, which led me to dragon posters, which led me to horse posters, which led me to the horse panoramics I wanted to buy Amelia. Which led me to recall a panoramic I did of the Hudson one time while I was at the park with Isis. Which led me to remember that this panoramic was lost on my harddrive, as well as those cute pics of Isis, as well as the ones of her in the fucking green dress looking so damn precious...

As well as the ones of her and my panda in the Chinese dress which I was so extremely proud of.

And I just want to stop thinking. I have to fucking stop thinking of all the things I lost. I had blocked it out these past few weeks, not allowing myself to remember what I'd lost. And in a wave it's all coming back to me and it fucking hurts. It's heartbreak. If it had been pics of myself, I would have very much regretted losing them. But I would have been able to let it go because it's all ego. I know this. I know that photos of myself are borderline narcissism and pride. I can't feel regret over losing that.

And now that I think about it, the Isis things are still ego. Because ego cares about the superficial, it cares about the preciousness, the years, the sentimentality, the memories. It cares about the things that are transitory, that are and should be washed away with time. But we've devised ways to capture those transitory things, pause moments in time and store them in a technological hoard.

But it still fucking feels like heartbreak to lose that preciousness of my Isis. It still fucking hurts.

Did I lose all of my school documents too? At least I have printed copies of most of them... Perhaps not the old school documents.

I don't know. I'm afraid to look. I'm afraid to check my cds and realize what I lost. It kills me.

The only thing that makes me feel a smidgon better is that 1 - I did this to myself. Subconsciously, probably for the better, I did this to myself. I was the one who walked right into the mistake. It was so fucking perfect. My dad suggested I find a plug for my external harddrive, I asked my mom if she had plugs, she had the box already out, searching for the fountain's plug. I looked through the box, none of them worked, I found a variant of sizes - just the heads of the plugs. One fit, but I needed to attach it to a cord. I asked Amelia what to do and she gave me the cord for the portable dvd player. I lost the original cord in the move and Amelia bought a new one which allows you to remove the head and plug in a different head. Why they set us up for disaster, I'll never know.

Everything fell into place. I was glad about it at the time, but everything fell into place for disaster, instead of pleasure. Music? I would have been crushed. So much music lost, how could I remember all that I had? But music has replacements. There are copies available. There are no copies of these memories. At least not half of them.

Why didn't I finish the photography so that I could burn it onto DVDs? Why didn't I burn them onto DVDs anyway?

Fuck. I set myself up. I didn't allow myself to care enough to do anything productive to protect what I cherished. And my higher self or whoever seized the opportunity to teach me a lesson about attachment.

Fuck.

Fuck.

I have to push the pain and the nausea of the ego out of my head. These things only matter to it, not to my real self. If they had mattered to my real self, I wouldn't have lost them. I would have had copies or I would have been more cautious. I shouldn't have erased them from my desktop. I took them off and put them on the harddrive because I didn't want to keep them on my desktop in case my desktop crashed. I was learning my lesson from almmost losing my book when my laptop crashed.

I make the mistake of revering what I cherish. And then it's like a virtual throne of memory. A peasant can sit anywhere, so he leaves his mark wherever he sits. The stuff I don't care about can be stored wherever, I don't care. It moves about, I burn it off, I don't pay attention. I end up with a trillion copies. But I treat my favorites like a king and they end up being in only one spot - the throne. I can't have them just anywhere. I don't want them here and there and on cds and on different computers. I just one them in one special spot. One fucking virtual memory throne. And when the throne gets destroyed, so, it seems, does the royalty.

I can let it go. I mean, I live my life ignoring all of these things. I haven't touched them in forever. They meant so much to me, but I can move on, right? I could better move on without the pain of knowing what I'd lost. What I don't know, can't hurt me. Or hurt my ego...

I think I had to be reminded of these because of this Christmas deal. I'm so concentrated on the presents, the objects, the attachment to the objects. I'm searching for things that these people will like, things that mean a lot to them. But I'm encouraging their ego more than anything. Or encouraging my ego, anyway. It's almost like I'm not doing it for the love of these people, I'm doing it for the love of these objects. I'm doing it because I feel that my friends and family should have the joys of special and meaningful objects. But there are only special and meaningful objects to the ego, not the higher self.

Honestly, I got far too wrapped up (that's a pun) in the pursuit of objects, I lost the focus on the affection and love I have for the people that caused me to give them something anyway.

But even though they will love the things I've gotten them, (except my dad, who has never been one for being attached to sentimental things. smart man.) it still doesn't mean as much as I've been pretending it does. These things don't meant that much to their higher selves. They spark pleasurable experiences with the people who possess them, but they're only crutches. All the purest pleasure and bliss and satisfaction can't be given to someone by an object.

I think the best gift I can give them is love. Because it's an energy that heals and thus lightens the load that the soul carries around. And I can't think of a way to effectively do this, but how sad is it, that I'm ready to give up and go back to my superficial copies of the real thing - like I'll focus on less, settle for less, because I don't believe I can achieve more.

I've just realized what I'm going to give everybody (even though I've already done so).

I think I'm going to give them Melissa fortune cookies. Not to tell their fortune, but with a little slip of paper that has advice on the inside. Melissa advice. Healing advice, though they may or may not apply it. But that's my contribution, something that if taken to heart can give much more pleasure and bliss than a cd or clothes. Something that can touch the soul, instead of the ego.

2008-12-14T16:42:00.002-05:00

Time keeps flying by. I don't know where it's going. I'm in a daze. It seems like yesterday it was the beginning of December, now it's a week from Christmas.

It was a week ago that I said I'd break up with Joe. But I didn't. I planned to until the moment I sat him down and decided to do something different. I think that not 100% of our relationship was a lie for me.

The thing is, when I thought, should I go out with him? One of the things that told me Not to, was his lack of expression and his simpleness. So when I began dating him I pretended that both of those didn't bother me or didn't exist, so that I could justify dating him and loving him to myself.

That was the lie. But I think that it's also the very reason I spiritually wanted to date him. In other words, I wanted to address his lack of communication, his lack of expression on a spiritual level. But in order to make a superficial relationship with him, I ignored what I didn't like, and consequently, ignored what I shouldn't like in order to enlighten him.

It's not that I can't love him because he's flawed. And he's not flawed the way I saw him to be in the beginning. I see now that who he is underneath the exterior has created a facade of simplicity in order to keep his expression suppressed and rejected.

It was my fault for lying to myself and to him the exact way that he was lying to himself. I was keeping up the charade because I wanted to avoid the awkwardness of addressing his faults. But they're not defects that are beyond his control, they're subconscious choices that express his self-understanding or lack thereof.

I kept telling myself at the beginning, does he deserve love less because he's simple? I was accepting his simplicity and then telling myself that I owed it to him to love him. I needed to step back and realize that I owe it to him to find what's underneath, what I love of underneath, what I love of what he rejected.

I didn't owe his facade anything. Maybe that's what it had in common with 7th grade, when I gained weight the last time. I was dedicated to the superficial facade. I saw it in others, I saw it in myself, I saw it in our relationships. I didn't apply a perception of anything underneath to my reality.

I don't know how it specifically correlates to my weight. Maybe it's symbolic for another layer. It was said to be protection. I always assumed that it was protection for what was underneath the skin from reality. But perhaps it was opposite. Perhaps, since I was sitting on the surface, it was another layer, a distance between my conscious self and what's underneath my own skin. Perhaps I feared myself. That was probably the biggest battle I had to face in 7th grade, I had so much clashing with my subconscious - ironically partly brought to my attention because I didn't want the weight and I had it. But also because I was clashing with my mom that year and my mom represented my conscience, which I was ignoring.

I like to say that this was my only giving in to peer pressure, when I started swearing. But it was also an attitude of no morals. It came with rap music and the boys, with the superficial things I tried to utilize to fit in with the crowd.

Maybe it was a two-way protection. It was a protection of my subconscious from the world I was participating in, but because I sat on the surface, it was a form of denial for me, a way to utilize the distance between the surface and the subconscious underneath.

Either way, I know that Joe is a good person. He definitely needs to connect to his fire, his energy, his power. It's his move to make, but he needs an enlightening push in the right direction. And whether he takes that step or not is not my concern. I'm willing and able to compassionately care for him and help him.

I let him know, when I talked to him, that I had intended to break up with him and that things needed to change or I would have to break up with him again. I think I need to teach him, not shield him. I need to enlighten him, not make decisions for him. And I need to encourage strength, not adhere to his weaknesses.

I wasn't standing up for what I believe at all thus far in the relationship. I think that his spiritual self wants from him what I want from him. He wants it of himself. But he needs to consciously make the steps towards unifying his will with his spiritual self's power. He needs to stop letting his ego and this superficial facade have their way.

I NEEDED to stop letting his ego and superficial facade have their way.

And that may have been the key from 7th grade. Ego. I sat on the surface in the ego's chair, directed by the ego, entertained by the ego. Bonding with other people's ego's. Seeking no more than what the ego dictated.

My ego wasn't necessarily involved this time, but I was being directed by his ego, I was letting his ego build our relationship, and I was sitting back in the recessive position, instead of standing up to his ego.

Joe isn't like Mike. His ego isn't blaringly obvious. I fought Mike's ego, I stood up to his ego. But Joe's was so much more subtle. I'm not even used to identifying others' egos. Like it's not my place to determine the true self and the false self of somebody else. But it is an interesting query. What self are you communicating with? What self are you bonding with? What self do you make a life with? We don't seem to pay attention because all we care about is the finished result. But the finished result comes from a place of truth or a place of illusion depending on the context.

I don't know. Maybe that's why I left Dan behind. I tried so hard to connect with his real self, but when all was said and done, all he was willing to give back to me was his ego, and after a time, I got a little sick of it.

I know I have power. I know I've been in touch with my real self. But living on my own has proved to be harder than I wanted it to be. I feel powerless and scared. Maybe when you live with your parents, they make most of the life decisions for you. They choose what state you live in, what house you live in, what lifestyle you have, what food you eat, what school you go to, etc.

I know now that I'm out of their house that all the life decisions will be a reflection of my mind. And I'm afraid. I think I'm afraid that I don't deserve to have a life that reflects my spiritual self. I feel like I'm doomed to live a life that reflects my subconscious.

Maybe that's partly what I wanted. I wanted to experience exactly what I don't want to experience so that I could teach from the inside out. I don't want to be an enlightened teacher who looks down on his pupils and says - you're there, but I want you to come here.

I want to be there with my students and walk forward together. Not that many teachers don't also do this. I'm just afraid that "there with my students" will be somewhere unpleasant.

I feel powerless to draw to me a life in which I'll be secure and satisfied. Perhaps if I was, I wouldn't seek more. That's my curse, that I seek more. And so when I draw to myself situations that reflect a lower state of mind, I'm always willing to look for more in the situation, grow out of old nonsense. :/

2008-12-07T23:07:00.002-05:00

Ugh, can I help it if I like Matt? Ugh. I just found out a couple days ago that Matt slept with another coworker, Jasmine. She also slept with another coworker, Justin. But I don't care about those two. I knew Matt was no longer a virgin, but I thought it was with Justin's ex or someone random like that. I didn't know it was with Jasmine. They didn't seem to talk at all, I didn't think that Matt liked her or that he was her type, or that they were at all attracted to each other.

I should have asked Matt about that. WHY? Why did he choose someone so random? In fact, they have never seemed to be friends at all. He never seems to go to her parties or talk to her online or anything. I don't understand it.

I was stunned for like 20 minutes when Ron told me. I really didn't even believe it, I couldn't imagine it. I watched them together all today, it's so surreal. But Matt said something about hearing about me and Joe. And I said that I hear things about him too. Because Jasmine told everybody. He says she told details too. That's a little awkward. It's awkward to lose your virginity to a coworker. Cause first time sex is probably never something to brag about. You're trying things for the first time, no? It's a time of experimentation.

She has a boyfriend right now, I don't know that they're interested in each other at all. She had just slept with Justin too, jeezus, she gets around. I don't know why it all happened, I simply don't understand it.

But I'm so jealous. So jealous. That's why it's hard for me to believe, I think. Because I don't want to imagine that Matt could find Jasmine attractive, attractive enough to lose his virginity to.

Put this on hold since my boyfriend is calling...

I feel stupid for liking Matt. Cause everybody says that all the girls like Matt. It feels cliche. But he's so special. I can't help it. People always ask me if I have a crush on Matt. Ron asked me before I was dating Joe so I said Maybe. But every time after I've lied and said no. Cause I know it'll be passed around in a second and then Matt will know and eventually someone will tell Joe or they'll tease me about it. So I just deny it flat out. Or I admit it. Like I tell Matt that I stalk him, so that he knows that even if it seems like I like him, I'm actually not. Cause if I was stalking him, I probably wouldn't admit it so nonchalantly.

Matt looks so sexy in real clothes. mmm.. I told Ron that and then I went on break a few hours later, but I came in the back and they didn't know and I overheard Ron telling Matt what I said. It was such a perfect example of how quickly news spreads. The first second I was out of the concept and Ron can't help but share all my dirty little secrets. I walked in going WHAT?! If I wanted Matt to know, I would have told him myself.

But then the next day or two I came in wearing regular clothes, picking Joe up from work. And Matt told me I looked good in regular clothes too. It's like the closest he's come to flirting with me. It makes me sad that he's not attracted to me. I don't know why I'm not his type.

We clash sometimes and he gets really irritated at me. Especially when he gets really irritated at Martin, but he can't take his frustration out on Martin so he takes it out on me. :(

We're doing secret santa. First I picked my own name. Then I picked Bryan's name. He's like my arch nemesis. Truth be told, though, he's everybody's arch nemesis. No one likes him and he likes no one. He's a grumpy, miserable, bitchy person. But people have allowed themselves to pretend they get along with him and somehow him and I started off on the wrong foot and now everybody sees us as enemies. I don't really hate him, I don't mind him, really. But whatever. He actually picked my name first and then put it back and got someone else.

So I picked his name and put it back, then I picked my manager's name and put it back. Then I picked my name again. Then I decided to cheat. So I pulled out Ron and Matt and decided to do one of them. But Ron was right there so Bryan suggested I do Matt so that it would be a surprise. Though I ended up hinting around to Matt later that day and he asked me if I had him and I said yes. Everybody knows who has everybody, really. Partly because I told everybody. But they asked me who had them!

Or I asked people whose name they picked and they admitted it. Today Brittany was like who does Justin have and I said David and she asked who David had and I said Ron and she asked who Ron had and I said Beth and she asked who Beth had and I said her. Brittany has Yolanda and Yolanda has Michelle and Michelle has me and I have Matt and Matt has Richard and Richard has Pam and Pam has Bryan and Bryan has Timmy and Timmy has Melissa F and Melissa F has Katie and Katie has Justin and Justin has David and so we seemed to have hit on everybody.

So much for the secrets. But I expected no less. I wish someone better had gotten my name. Michelle doesn't like me because I get so irritated with her that I bitch at her all the time.

I dunno. The other day I planned to have sex with Joe. But I could not do it because I kept thinking of Matt. I just couldn't get turned on for Joe. It's terrible. I feel so dishonest right now. I shouldn't be with Joe if its a lie. But it'll hurt him so much to leave him.

Ashley told me I couldn't break up with Joe since I took his virginity and he would be attached to me. But I told her that he was that attached to me before we even started dating. I mean, I like Joe. I enjoy him to an extent. But maybe I'm just not in love with him and I never have been.

I don't want him to be gone from my life. But it's a lie to pretend that I'm in love with him as he needs me to be. That's the thing though. He asked me out and I made out with him even though I told him we couldn't date. And I knew I couldn't do that to him. I couldn't just use him for holding hands and making out and give him no romance to go with it. And we couldn't turn around and undo what we'd done, we couldn't go back to not making out. Once you cross that line it's hard not to do it again.

I want to kiss Matt.

I think I got so into playing the role of "girlfriend" that I lost sight of my real feelings.

Everything is all messed up. I should have just stayed single. And yet, I feel like these past few months would have been so sad without a boyfriend. It's nice to have someone to eat, sleep, shower, have sex and just plain spend time with. When my car broke down, I had Joe's dad to drive me home and tell me what was wrong with my car and Joe ran like a mile to the shop to get my car and bring it back to work. I'm alone now that my parents are gone. Amelia isn't very much support, although she did bring me to work the next day so that I could drive my car from work where I left it, to the shop.

But it's like I have Joe and his family to take care of me. If I'm ever in a jam, I know that they're there to support me.

It's like, I need a boyfriend. It's not that I need someone to keep me company, cause I love being alone and I love doing things for myself. But I need a role filled. I need someone's body against mine when I fall asleep and someone to take physical comfort from by kissing and someone to work through my desires with. I need someone who cares about my life, the way all my friends don't. So that when I need something, he'll realize that it's important and he'll try to help me out.

I need someone who will share his money with me. Like when Joe and I go out, he'll randomly pay for something for me. I don't have the financial burden all the time. It takes a lot of stress away.

But it's like, he's just a role, the role of a boyfriend. I don't want to love him or have an emotional attachment for him and I don't necessarily even need his presence, cause it's comforting to be alone. I love to feel my own presence as company. When I'm alone it's like I'm walking around with a mirror, always seeing myself in the room. And I love it. I love how I can do things to the satisfaction of my eyes. Like I project myself seeing something, the way Joe would. Only it's so much more satisfying knowing how I feel about it. Knowing that I appreciate the things that matter to me. Knowing that what pleases me pleases my projected self.

It sounds creepy and lonely but it's a comfort. When you're with someone else and you're seeing someone else, you look out from yourself, you don't look within yourself. When you're alone, you're the only person around to observe. You're what you focus your attention on. And I'm such good company for myself. I experience things the way I want them to be experienced. I agree with the things I agree with.

It bothers me, it makes me unsettled, uncomfortable and dissatisfied to be around someone knowing that they're not experiencing things the way I am. Knowing that Joe doesn't care that I cleaned my bathroom to perfection. It doesn't please him. It pleases me and it pleases me to know that it pleases me. When I'm alone, I acknowledge that it pleases me to have a spotless, pretty bathroom and it's satisfying. When Joe is here, I just sit there knowing it doesn't please him and I'm like, what? What does one say to that? Get outta here.

Other people don't care about the same things I care about. I always care about the things I care about. It's nice. It's satisfying. It's satisfying to talk to myself, as one can observe throughout my journal entries where I say the most random and thoroughly detailed things, and I care. I don't do it because someone else cares. In fact, this is my outlet because I couldn't simply say all of this to anyone else and have them care. I mean Joe supports me, he'd listen, he'd care that I care because he cares about me. But he wouldn't care about what I'm saying.

And maybe it's unhealthy to relish my own company this much. Because maybe it shows that I have expectations for other people and when they don't meet them I get disappointed. Even when people do care about the same things I do it makes me uncomfortable because it's almost like I'm afraid that it's too good to be true. I feel like I'm so close to having it taken away from me, so I reject situations where people agree with me, like I'm afraid to be disappointed. Even though I am disappointed when they don't agree with me as well.

Anything that stems from fear is unhealthy, so if I take solace in the fact that I'm alone, which avoids the disappointment I fear, then it's obviously unhealthy that I want to be alone.

But I don't know how to have the role of a boyfriend with someone who I can emotionally connect with. I thought I was emotionally connecting with Joe but I don't know. Sometimes I get so excited at the thought that I'm dating Joe. It's the perfect opportunity to have a relationship that I've always wanted. But then I'm with him and I'm kissing him and it's lacking.

I probably attracted someone who I couldn't connect with in an intellectual manner. I haven't been able to from day one, but I got into dating him anyway and since I became his comforter and care taker, I used that emotion to supply the necessary fondness for our relationship. Like I didn't love him in a... this is hard to explain. I don't know what it is. I guess feeling like someone challenges you but is equal to you. Like you're neck to neck emotionally, sexually, intellectually. So you connect, but there's stimulation and excitement. Joe is so far behind me, so unequal to my emotional, intellectual, spiritual level that not only do we not connect but he doesn't stimulate any of those areas. Sexually he's good but not exciting, probably because I know already the level he's at intellectually and emotionally.

That's what it comes down to. I can connect with the role Joe plays as my boyfriend but I can't connect with his personality. He probably can't connect with mine, though it's hard to understand what kind of connection he's looking for. But he doesn't care because he's so emotionally attached to me. I have no experience breaking hearts. Joe has been so good to me. I usually just tell people no at the beginning and even though it hurts them, I've not led them on at all. But I've led Joe on for the past two months and he has no reason to think that anything is wrong because what has changed in the past two months? Nothing. I shouldn't have dated him in the first place.

I just barely began to notice that I never look Joe in the eyes. Partly I think it began with just simply that I didn't like his eyes so they made me unattracted to him, so I just stopped looking. Though I don't have a problem with them in the same manner now. But it's almost like I couldn't look him in the eyes because I didn't want him to see that I was lying. Like when you lie but you can't look someone in the eyes while you do it.

And now that I have lied for two months about my feelings, it's going to be all the harder to say, no, wait, I change my mind, I don't love you. Cause I've been acting like I love him. How can I take that back? Hoe can I say that I didn't really mean it?

This is so terrible. Part of me isn't even admitting to reality, because I'm still pretending. I'm still saying, I love you too, to him. I'm still lying to myself about my feelings for him. I'm still trying to give it a chance and make things work. I don't know how I can rip away this relationship from him. I've kind of already decided to do it after I leave Starbucks. Because it will be too hard to answer questions. It will be too hard for me to know that everybody knows I dumped him. If I leave, they won't care if I'm dating him or not, even if he still works there. There's no sense in gossiping about someone who isn't around anymore.

I don't want people to empathize with my reasons for dumping him. It's like, he's simple and sweet and I think that other people see that in him. But I feel better knowing that I'm making a statement that he still deserves a beautiful, loving girlfriend despite his simpleness.

I really want to see him naked right now. His penis is kind of what he's not. Like, lol, cocks in general are strong, proud, muscular, bold, confident, and sexy the way guys who are like that can be sometimes. Confidence, even over-confidence can sometimes be exciting. I don't know. Maybe we envy people who can be like that. And Joe is so not like that. He's a lost, scared puppy. Who's missing a leg. I wish he was entirely like his cock. Which wasn't even like that itself in the beginning. It was more like him in the beginning but I coaxed it into confidence.

It's like I want to reach a part of Joe that's not there. When am I going to stop trying?

Fuck. I can just picture myself breaking up with him and his reaction and it hurts me. I just can't crush him like that.

This is exactly what I've done. Joe wanted me and I gave myself to him. I knew that he needed me so I just handed myself over. I took my reality out of the picture, I stopped being me, I stopped living my life based on who I am and what I need and I just sacrificed everything so that he could have me, could have what he wanted, could have me as his girlfriend.

It's like I condensed myself into a doll and put it in his hands. But I lost myself by doing this and now I need to get back on track, back to who I am and my reality. But I need to take the doll back and he'll be left with nothing. And I feel so terrible. So, so terrible.

So, so terrible. I keep envisioning breaking up with him and the guilt and pain is maddening. I don't know how I'm even going to recover from the gulit after we're broken up. I'll sleep alone and shower alone and go to work alone and I'll think of him and think of what I took from him and even what I've taken from myself and I don't know how I'll even be able to stand the liberation. How did I accept this so damn much? How did get so deep in this?

I always attracted guys who loved me, but could not have a propper attachment to me. Dan was in Michigan and had Jen. John had Lyla. James didn't love me. Mike hated me. Kristen didn't really fully love me. Felix didn't love me. All the people who I've "led on", had some undeniable distance. I let Joe in and there's just no distance, no safety. Nothing to rely on. No excuse. Telling Dan I wasn't in love with him wasn't that hard because he lived in Michigan anyway and he had already accepted that we couldn't be together in the traditional sense, at least not at that time. I knew that I wasn't really taking anything from him. I knew that leaving John didn't take anything from him because he had Lyla and couldn't really enjoy me the way he wanted to.

But Joe had nothing standing in his way. He brought me into his reality so fully. We've practically lived together. Kissing, hugging, showering, sex, sleeping together, depending on each other, going to work together.. everything. I was so real to him. I was so valuable to his life. Sure Dan loved me, but I didn't really add any value to his life. Neither did I add a value to John. I wasn't really taking anything away from them by leaving them. I just imagine what it must feel like for Joe to walk through my door with me. Walk into his girlfriend's house. Be a part of my domain. Participate.

Work will forever remind him of me. He quit school. He no longer has football. I hate thinking of him at his house, it's horrible there. I mean I like his parents but they've made the worst environment of decay and poverty. They're not poor, really. They don't live in a trailer. But they act like they do and the environment is so stifling for Joe. I like the type of environment that you imagine a flower to bloom in, to open up its petals with grace and beauty and life. Joe's house is the last place in the world flowers would bloom.

I hate that for him. This is so agonizing. And I can do nothing to change his circumstances because I would otherwise do it intellectually. I would talk to him, I would try to enlighten him and help him understand more, understand what more there is to life than what he's grown up experiencing. But I can't reach him intellectually.

I guess I see my role as his girlfriend as his escape from that. Like dating him is the door that leads him to somewhere else, but I have to be the room he goes into as well. And I can't be the room. I am so happy to be the door, but I can't become the room he lives within. He has to build his own room, his own reality that is More than what he has in his household. He has to find more. I can't be that more.

I miss the days that I owed nothing to anyone. I miss the freedom to be myself, to work for what I needed because it didn't matter what happened. Everything I did would affect my life in beneficial ways and I didn't need to worry how it affected anybody else's life.

It pains me so extremely to know that when I break up with Joe, I'll be closing the door and he'll have to turn around to the life he had before me. How can I do that to him. It's like taking a starving child from Africa, bringing it to a rich home in America and then kicking him out. I feel like I nurtured Joe and he needed it so badly. He was like a flower trying to grow in Siberia and I drew him out into the sun and the rain and the warm, breezy air.

I didn't give him enough. I know that what I gave him wasn't enough. He needs more. But I gave him an opportunity. I feel like his environment was such a dead end. That there was no opportunities to bloom in warm breezy air.

I don't even know what I'm talking about, really. Perhaps expression. There's no expression. No outlet. That's what the lack of decoration in the house and lights and sounds and colors said to me. That there was no flourish of expression. All he does at home is watch TV. He doesn't even decorate his room, it's atrocious. It's nothing. I'm not saying that the meaning of life is to hang a picture on your wall. But I think that even the ego's desire to express itself, to identify with expression - even superficial expression, is a step on the right track. The desire to find identity in expression is the right track. But WHAT you express is where you differ between Being God and being ego.

Oh Joe. This pain I feel, this empathy and compassion shows me just how much I care for him. I lied when I said I loved him in the attached, romantic, illusioned way I pretended to feel for him. But I did it, I sacrificed myself because I care for him so deeply. Soul deep. I've been crying so hard for like ten minutes while writing this. I just have such a deep, unexplainable, empathetic pain for his soul. Perhaps for the fact that he's so stuck in a rut. Sometimes I want to marry him just so I can take him away from that life, show him how to build a new one.

But I know that his attachment to me is not the way to build a new life. He's built a life out of me. Everything revolves around me. He needs to build a life where he's the center, where he's there to express himself, instead of to express his adoration for me.

I think this helps me to realize this. Because now that I realize why I got myself into this mess, I realize that dating him does not do what I wanted for him. It opens the door, but encouraging his attachment and his melissa-centric life does not make things better. I thought that by nurturing him, by giving him water and sunlight, he would grow. But it's like if a flower blossomed wearing the mask of the sun. He's idolized me and thus has blossomed into a worshiper, instead of used the opportunity I gave him to blossom an expression of himself.

And that's the thing. He was given a life that mirrored his own ambitions or lack thereof. And he has scoliosis, which when felt in the lower back means criticism and condemnation. I think that he's suppressed his expression, condemned it and criticized it into being worthless in his eyes and it's festered into such an unhealthy pattern that it found its way to the surface through a disease. He needs to heal this self-condemnation. I feel like the fact that he's "slow", that he can't even intellectually express things is his way of saying that he doesn't deserve to do so. In a funny way, all those things that the ego utilizes for its own gain, the things that it's proud of, the image-oriented behavior - Joe hasn't felt like he deserves to allow himself to express much of a personality even. He has so few outlets and favorites and bands he likes or clothes he likes. He just doesn't want an image, in a sense. Because he doesn't feel he deserves to be expressed in an image.

As I said, the ego-oriented image is no good. It's superficial and a waste. But the desire to express an identity comes from the right place, even if it's misused by the ego.

I have such a desire to heal his wounds. To soothe him with my nurturance. To bring him back to life. I have to let go though. It's Joe's decision. As agonizing as it is to see himself destroy himself like this, I have to respect his free will. I CAN'T make things better. It's his choice. I can't be his savior. I want so badly to be his savior. I want so badly to do anything it takes to heal him, even lying to myself for the past two months.

My mom said that this issue was not my karma is was my dharma. I don't know what the fuck dharma means! From my memory it feels like your personal mission. But karma is the return of personal consequences. So is this something I volunteered to do? To reach out to Joe and give him an opportunity to heal himself?

I just keep trying to look up the definition of Dharma but I can't find one that makes sense in the context. So I guess I have the same definition as my mom and that's all that matters.

Tomorrow is going to be really hard....

2008-12-06T18:51:00.002-05:00

I think I may have to break up with Joe. It scares me to say it.

I've been gaining weight. It's hard to see a difference but my pants are soo not fitting me. All the ones that were too big before are skin tight and all the ones that are skin tight sadly cannot be worn at all. :(

So I asked my mom and she didn't give me a direct answer but as we talked about it we discovered that it was linked with Joe's attachment to me. My mom used the word possessiveness, but it's not that Joe is controlling. It's that he's manipulating because of his attachment. I feel like I owe him something because he loves me so much.

He's great. He's very nearly perfect for me. Or, perhaps it's that all the superficial aspects of a relationship that I thought I always wanted I've now gotten and it's still not enough. Perhaps I need to transcend my illusions of what a relationship is supposed to give me and find something more.

I told my mom that he was like a lost puppy. The kind of puppy that whimpers and whines when you want it to sleep alone in the laundry room. It wants to be in your bed and it won't take no for an answer. Joe needs so much taking care of. And I did it so willingly, without considering that I might be uncomfortable about it. And maybe that's why the weight had to come in. In other words, I needed a symptom, to draw my attention to the fact that something was wrong.

All of this comes down to the fact that during the first week we were dating, when I finally said yes to Joe, he sensed that I didn't want to be dating him so he asked me why we were dating. I asked him why he wanted to date me or something of the sort and he said, because I love you. And I said, that's why we're dating.

I went out with him because he loved me. Not because I loved him. From day one, I let myself walk into a lie. And it is a lie. Because everything I do in our relationship I do for him. I've lost myself. Because he's such a needy person, I've sacrificed my needs for his. And now I feel guilty giving myself what I need since it most often requires that I take from what he needs.

He has an unbalanced, attached love for me. And I'm really not doing him any favors by egging it on.

It's not that the relationship is or has been a waste. But I always said to myself that Joe was just a step, that I wanted more. And I never felt that passion for him.

I asked myself what a healthy relationship felt like without the highs and lows. Perhaps it's unhealthy to ask for a euphoria or even a passion. But I know that it gives you a sense of contentment, of satisfaction.

It's not that I desire more from a relationship than Joe can give me, per se. His only problem is he's spiritually unaware and I want someone who I can communicate with my ideas and perceptions - though I do tell him sometimes, but it's all foreign to him. In any case, I feel like it's more that the life I wanted isn't the life I have now.

Joe is not to be blamed. I got a job at Starbucks, I moved into this apartment, I started dating Joe, I built a life for myself that did Not suit my needs or wants. But my life really consists of going to work and coming home to Joe. He's over here so often. And it's not a simple matter to get rid of him. Because he doesn't have a license, I've taken to bringing him home with me after work, so that I don't have to drive all the way to his house. And it's easier for him to sleepover and go to work with me the next day. So you see he's always with me. And I know that if I want him to leave, I have to take an hour out of my day by driving him all the way home.

Again, I'm pushing aside my needs because of his weaknesses. I have to take care of him. I can't just stay at my house while he leaves for work or his friends or his home. I fucking long for the day when I can have a boyfriend who can come to my house and leave my house independent of my car and me driving.

I almost took him to the five hour course this morning but even though we woke up at 8, we fell back asleep once we took off the alarm and we didn't wake up until 9:10, even though it starts at 9. I longed for it. For not only a step towards his independence but for a morning to myself, on my day off. A morning where I could get things done and work on my book.

I think that I've gotten into such a habit of becoming his slave that I can't do anything for myself. I feel so damn lazy when he's around. I can't do anything. And it's almost like I've stopped doing what I need so much so that when he's around, all I can do is sit and wait for him to need something or for the time to go by until I have to go to work.

Work necessity and Joe necessity. Living my life by someone else's clock and someone else's purpose.

But of course, whenever Joe asks me for something I cringe inside. I get so angry, most likely angry at the reminder that I'm little more than his slave.

Don't get me wrong. Joe has not treated me like I'm his slave. But he's allowed me to become his dependence. He's attached to me and he depends on me for things in his life.

And God, I've been so mean the past few days. I've treated him like such a child for the two months we've been dating. I've coaxed him, guided him, protected him, served him, supported him. I'm more open and honest with Isis. Because Joe is an adult, who is not acting like one, he can fully understand all that he uses to hurt himself. Everything that offends him that I can't say. I can say it all to Isis and she won't know. Isis is much stronger than him, even as a child. Plus, her cries guilt me less.

I should keep that in mind. When Joe gets hurt I suppose he uses much more manipulating techniques than Isis's simple cries.

So when I found out the issue, I had to go pick him up from work and I talked to him about the issue in the car. I wanted to say the truth and then hug him because I knew it would hurt him. But I knew I couldn't hug him. I knew that I had to, simply put, stop taking care of him. I always hug his head and pet his hair in this comforting way - but that has to stop.

I wouldn't have even hung out with him the next day but I promised Amelia that we'd come over to play cards since her boyfriend would be done from nyc. I took the opportunity because I love playing cards with a group, and it never happens. I've only played Shanghai Rummy twice since Mike and I broke up three years ago. Believe me, I had to take the opportunity to play it.

But I had just come from work and there are always issues there. Issues of conditions and backstabbing. With people at work, I always have to do everything right or they freak out. The entire environment is extremely controlling. I can't do the things I want to do on the days I want to do them because work tells me to jump and I ask how high. The work place dictates what clothes I should wear, what jewelry I shouldn't wear and how my hair is. None of which please me. So I'm wearing something I don't like for 40 hours.

I like to say that I'm not dressing up for a funeral, I'm just going to work. Ironically, because I've gained weight, my work clothes are more or less the only pants that fit me. That's why I didn't notice I was gaining weight because I never wear my other clothes anyway. I knew they were fitting more snugly but that was partly because I use a dryer at the laundromat and it shrinks my clothes a little.

Or maybe I'm imagining it all and it's all my weight.

The people there are always complaining about when and where I eat. What I say. When I use my cellphone. Essentially every little thing I do.

And I've found that when I'm not working, they complain. But when I am working, they complain that I'm taking too long and I should be doing something else. The people on register love to do nothing, but when you have to greet the customers, you're rooted to the spot. I like to always be active, doing stuff, working. I worked for like an hour and a half solidly. I didn't sit down. I didn't even have my cellphone there at work with me. I didn't go to the bathroom or eat. I didn't talk to anyone there at work cause Joe was at home and all the people I didn't like were working.

I was working solidly, and all they could bitch about was how long it took me. And hey, as far as I'm concerned, the work I was doing needed to be done if not today than tomorrow or the next day. It's not that it needed to be done immediately, but it was work. So why should I get bitched at? They only wanted me around so that I could take their place while they did nothing. And they really only complained about me because they refuse to say a positive thing about anybody. All they can ever do is suck the life out of a situation by bitching about everything wrong that they can possibly imagine.

It's not the managers though. If the manager doesn't like me, they take joy in rubbing it in my face. But if the manager does like me, they take pleasure in telling me that that manager is a complete bitch, so nothing they say about me has any relevance.

I really despise Ashley. She's really the core of all this. Everybody else has simmered, but she cant keep her nose out of other people's business. She's always trying to be your friend and then stab you in the back. I liked her at first, I honestly thought she was a good person. I didn't think Brittany was a good person and now I'm reevaluating my thoughts. Everything Ashley does just seems infected with evil intent.

I actually admire Brittany's qualities in comparison.

Ashley has just been making me sick. In every bad situation at work these days, she's involved. For instance, I think it's her fault that Bryan told on me. Someone told my manager that Joe and I have been making out in front of customers. Which is untrue. I did lick caramel off of Joe's ear in front of Ashley. It was out front, but not while any customers were around to see. I try not to even hug Joe in front of customers.

That makes me mad at Ashley because she gossips so maliciously. Bryan because I haven't worked with him for almost an entire month, never when Joe was at work, and even if Joe was, up until the past week, Joe wouldn't ever come visit me in Starbucks. Not sure why. I always come visit him at Famiglias. In any case, Bryan still thinks its his business to talk about what I do, when he's not even there. And he was probably the one to tell Pete about it, even though it is grossly exaggerated. How dare he get me into trouble for something HE HASN'T EVEN SEEN ME DO.

But also mad at Joe, because I always push him away when he's about to kiss me because I don't want to get in to trouble. But he hates people telling him he can't kiss me so he does it in front of them just to spite them, so he forces me to kiss him and I'm not saying I'm the weaker sex, only that I give in to what he wants because HE'S the weaker sex. And I'm tired of his begging nature. I'm tired of him violating my needs.

But my point in sharing this is that I'd had some trouble with Ashley right before I went to play cards. She got offended - because she always has an excuse to become offended. And then right before I left she said that we didn't need to have a beef, as long as I never said what I said to her again. I walked right out. I didn't say a word. How dare she put conditions one what I say. As if I care so much about her half-ass backstabbing not even a friendship friendship, as if I care about her opinion on me so much that I would suck up to her needs and wishes just to earn it. I'm going to say what I feel and do what I want regardless of the effect it has on her. I don't trust her and I'm not going to go out of my way to earn a trust that I don't trust.

It initially started because I did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to her and she freaked out on me and called me a bitch like 17 times. Now I know that I can be kind and open with her and she'll still find an excuse to punish me.

But I left with like four drinks, stealing, according to the company, though we all give out free drinks. And everybody saw me do it cause I put it in a bag. I'm afraid that they'll talk. You tell one person something there and they tell EVERYBODY. And I understand first hand because I do it to. We feel that everybody there should know everybody's business. Like it's a right we have from working there. And it just seems so natural to spread the news, without thinking of the consequences and the feelings. Some people don't want other people to know their business and sometimes it gets people into trouble, not to mention circulates false information to a degree.

Like Michelle told me that she used to cut herself and when Ron and David were making jokes it hurt her. I told Ron because I trusted him, I didn't tell David. I wanted them both to know so that they wouldn't say things around her again. But Ron seriously told everybody. Even Bryan now knows. You'd think they would keep these things from Bryan because he's just a horrible person and doesn't deserve to even have the gossip. But there are no bounds. I like Ron, but now every time someone mentions it, I feel bad. Michelle didn't want to be laughed at. And I didn't say it so that they could all know and laugh. Just so that they could keep from laughing about it to her face. Which I ended up getting, since now they probably don't mention it in front of her. But now instead of making "I cut myself" jokes in general, they make "I, Michelle, cut myself" jokes. So if they ever talk about cutting, they link it with Michelle.

Gossip is 30 times worse than in high school because it's such a closed network. There are much less people than in high school and most of the people know each other. Half of them are good friends with someone there and a few of them are dating someone there or related to someone there.

In any case, I just had all these pressures and emotions coursing through me and I didn't want any conditions put on me. I was tired of Joe's pressure, I was tired of work's pressure and frankly, I was tired of Amelia's pressure.

I've been so stressed lately in this imbalanced life. I've had problems with my car, being sick, I friend my external harddrive, my laptop broke down, etc etc. I get a chance to go to my parents house the two days after Thanksgiving. I know that this is my opportunity to set things in motion. I'm so stranded up here with no one but Joe and work, and I knew that this was my opening into the network of spiritual people who I can connect with the way I've finally realized I'm meant to.

And Amelia kept hasseling me to leave at like 5pm on Sat, a day and a half after we got there. It's not that she wanted to cut the trip half way short or anything. We meant to leave in about six more hours. But six hours is a lot. I knew that we would be sitting around talking, I still had important things to discuss with my mom, and I wanted to hear Erin's discussion. All Amelia could do was think about herself and her own needs. I told her we could get a full nights sleep and go in the morning but then Isis would be up and she didn't want that because it stresses her out.

For the past year Amelia has always had stress. Every fucking moment. First she was married to Anthony, then she was pregnant, then she had a newborn, then she was divorcing Anthony, then she had college, then she was trying to be a single mom. And she treated me horribly for so long and blamed it on all those stress factors she had. And every time I would try to stand up for myself and try to push her to work through her problems so that she wouldn't make me the scapegoat, my mom would tell me to back off because Amelia was too stressed out about her other important worries to worry about me. So she just continued to treat me like shit and I let her.

And now, for once in my life, I have a stress. And all I asked of Amelia was that she give me a few more hours at my parents house. She says, you can always come back. NO I CAN'T. I can't drive down there because my car is too old to make it. I can't fly down there, that's too expensive. I can't stay down there for more than two days because I have to rush back to come to Starbucks. She didn't understand how stressful and complicated it was to put this opportunity into place, and how much I needed to work through in the short amount of time that I had.

And I've simply come to realize that I'm tired of my sister justifying her bad behavior towards me. I'm tired of accepting that even a part of her motivation is my fault. I'm tired of trying to be pleasant, of giving myself her conditions so that I can please her. If she wants to hate me, she's going to find an excuse, just like everybody at work.

I don't remember any of the details between Amelia and I. I don't remember any of the things she said, but I know that I was being extremely blunt and course. I was not buttering anybody up or catering to their weaknesses. I was just being selfish and egotistical and cruel. It's not that I wanted to hurt anybody, it's that I wanted to be myself without any restraints. And I felt terrible about the way I did it. I need to obviously find a balance.

But it was liberating because as I rubbed people the wrong way, they started to react to it, and I didn't care. I just kept getting worse. Instead of their feelings scaring me into behaving, or making me feel bad about myself, I just kept acting brutish and terrible, thinking, well, I can't do everything you want even when I'm perfect, so why should I even try a little bit?

It's almost like, I was justifying the way they felt about me. They treat me like I act all the time the way I acted last night. Seriously. And they probably didn't learn their lesson. But I needed to experiment, find a medium, find a balance. I need to be myself unrestrained, but I need to not care that they hate me for it. It was like, I acted horrible and immediately they started guilting me into feeling bad about it and I just said, fuck you. And acted even worse.

I don't want to be a horrible person, but I need to have the strength and the love for myself in order to stand my ground no matter what they think. I can't give into their conditions and my fear of meeting their obligations.

This is what I've been doing since I moved in. Trying to fit into everyone's conditions. My landlords' conditions. My bosses' conditions. My coworkers' conditions. My friends' conditions. And my boyfriend's conditions.

Everyone's conditions but my own.

It's interesting. Because prior to moving out, I had none of these. I dropped out of high school, I stopped being friends with most of my friends, I didn't have a boyfriend for two years, I didn't have a job, and I lived with my parents and my sister but they already thought me selfish and egotistical and never expected me to be otherwise, so I could mostly do what I wanted.

I lived my solitary, semi-independent life in peace. Not that everything was perfect. I fought with my mom over my independence. I couldn't make as many choices as I wanted to or express myself in as many ways because of the financial independence to my parents and living in their house. And I was having issues with picking guys who didn't acknowledge my worth like Dan, John and James.

I needed to move out, work on my social issues, work on my independence, face my fears. But I guess I've been too recessive. I've let them control me too much. I always had so much spunk and resistance to control, but it seems like that makes me and enemy and when I try to be a friend, when I try to cohabit or cooperate, I put too many conditions on my self-expression, so I become a mat that gets trampled on.

I'm a controversial person. I need to accept that. But I was always so guilty for being a controversial person because people - especially my parents - told me that I was a BAD person for being controversial. I was never a bad person. I used bad tools to express myself because I was unhealthy and I didn't know how to stabilize my emotions and my sense of being. I know how to do that know to a larger extent, but this doesn't meant that I'm going to get along with any more people than I did before.

I need to accept that I'm going to have to be and express myself regardless of controversy. I can't create it and expect it, because this is focusing on the negative. I want to hope for the connections I'll make by being open and honest with people. I want to focus on the people who I will be able to love and care for.

Rob and David were telling me how I was so extremely prickly when I first started working at Starbucks. (no wonder, with the way they treat me) - which is something to add. People always feel that I give them such uncalled for behavior, that I give them such an attitude and they're so undeserving. They don't realize how each one of them has at one point or another done the very same thing to me. Each one has treated me with an uncalled for attitude. And whether it matters or not, it's a which came first the chicken or the egg situation - was I being prickly because they gave me an attitude or did they give me an attitude because I was being prickly....

In any case, I've worked on my pricklyness so much that it almost amuses me how little they would have gotten along with me back in the day. It would have been a disaster! And I tried so hard to be pleasant and smiley and warm and friendly, to a large degree I think I succeeded. I don't think that I was being especially prickly to them, I think that they are all very sensitive and very quick to be offended or angry. David told me that he's just a big teddy bear - unless you make him mad. And I said that it was very easy TO make him mad, thus, it was a difficult job for anyone to get along with him, since so much stimulates his bad side, so unexpectedly.

But I said frankly to Ron and David that I don't remember treating them the way they said I acted and that they had to realize it was not like that on the inside. It did not feel that I was being prickly to them. Part of it is that I couldn't self-reflect to that degree, part of it is that they projected a lot of my behavior. But this is something all people should realize, it does NOT always feel on the inside the way it sounds or looks on the outside. If I were to experience things the way another does, I may not act that way. If I could perceive myself the way another would, I would probably not condone my own behavior.

People are so quick to blame, as am I to everyone else because we assume that people are consciously doing everything that they're doing. But they're not always consciously aware of what they're doing and how it seems. They're so focused on their own issues and what resolutions they find within their behavior - in other words, what they feel acting the way they do gains them - that they don't fully realize the consequences of their actions for other people.

And in a healthy community, people would be able to simply express and explain these things to each other. Someone would have been able to tell me that I sounded really prickly. But we have such a disunity, such an enemy mindset, that we feel if anybody says anything critical about us it's for the sole purpose of destroying us and thus we have to have a resistance to it. And that's because many people do criticize not to aid another's growth but to simply put them down and make them believe that they're wrong for being who they are and acting the way they do.

People don't like their flaws, they ridicule their flaws. Thus, they ridicule others' flaws. Thus, when others point out their flaws, they automatically assume that the other people are trying to ridicule their own flaws. And since the other people ridicule THEIR own flaws, its likely that they are indeed trying to ridicule yours, and its a never-ending cycle of disharmony and disunity. We're not on the same side.

I always use that expression because it fits the way I've felt in the past so much. There's this sense of war - my side against your side. I can't trust anything you do or say because you're trying to destroy me to the benefit of your side. That's war. And we can pretend that we're friends and we trust each other but for me, whenever someone would spark that fear that I was in a war, everything would be set off, my soldier mentality and my wall of protection, my "us" against "them" objection.

It's exactly like when people get flashbacks of war and their innocent wife taps them on the shoulder and they turn around and start strangling their wife because they feel that they're in war again and it's a kill or be killed reality. We get so blinded by our fear of being the one killed that we'll do anything to protect ourselves - first and foremost, by attacking the other side.

Anyway, I have to get back to my work before my day off is over and I have to go back to work and go back to Joe. Meh.

2008-11-17T01:54:00.002-05:00

It's hard, confronting three years worth of emotions by reading over my journal entries for my book. Sometimes I read passages from all three years in one night, because I skip around instead of work through it consecutively.

There's something oddly bittersweet about AFTER the break up with Mike. Oh man, but if I were to try to explain WHAT it is, I could only go wrong, because there are just so many conflicting emotions, depending on when I read and what I read.

I'm beginning to see the relationship with Mike in a semi-new light. I loved myself while I was with him, in a way that I had never before loved myself. And it was amazing. But that was the extent of it. He didn't love me enough and he didn't treat me well at all, I'm surprised at how badly he treated me.

I handled him so well. I had to bring out a compassionate maturity that I had never had before. I accepted him and coaxed him and nurtured him in such a beautiful way.

Pretty much until Isis was born, everything I did was infused with the break up. Everything about my life revolved around the break up. Everything I did was either directly about the break up, a trivial distraction from the break up, or in epic struggle against the break up's hold over me.

And that's something I never realized. Isis gave me something. Amelia did, as well. But still at that point, I was struggling to be happy without Mike, so even though I was developing a new relationship with Amelia and a new part of myself through my philosophical inquiries, it was really Isis and then Dan who brought out an actual novel life, that had absolutely nothing to do with the break up.

But, even though the things I held onto after the break up were mostly superficial and image-oriented, I kind of miss them. I miss the highs in contrast with the lows. Or maybe I'm entirely wrong about this and there's something underlying that I miss about that time. I miss the epic battle inside myself. I was pushing and pulling myself. Pushing to overcome all the pulling I was making happen in my emotional body with feelings for Mike.

I held onto all these crazy little things, all these distractions. My writing is funny and random because I was bitter over the break up and desperate to find any connection to reality. You know? Like I didn't have any substance, any roots with reality because my reality had been Mike. I didn't know what I had after he was gone. So I just grabbed at anything random and silly to pretend like I was involved in reality, when I really wasn't.

I was opening up a lot of philosophical theories that changed my outlook on reality, but I couldn't really talk to anyone but Amelia about them. It's a lot easier for me now. I'm comfortable. Letting go of Mike was like letting go of that superficial teenage life I had and never want to have again. That's what dropping out of high school was. Letting go of the meaningless life that I was following to go with the crowd.

Maybe this is all about my ego. Maybe my ego is nostalgic for the effort. I was trying so desperately to create an image that functioned away from Mike. Something I could be satisfied with. Music, designs, icons, wit. Simple things that felt good for me. I don't regret it. In retrospect, they were meaningless things. I used them appropriately and let them go when I was ready to develop something more important.

But there's still that strange bittersweet feeling.

Tom. What is it? He's going to the military and he invited me to his going away party, though I couldn't come. And I just remembered it was on Sat and it hit me so hard. Tom wanted to date me for so long and I rejected it all. I feel like I gave him nothing and it saddens me so much. There's something weird in connection to the bittersweet breakup and Tom.

I can't put my finger on it. Even if I could, I'd probably still have it wrong. There's probably something very underlying that I'm reading about the situation. Something that affects me in some manner I can't really be sure of.

Something empty. I guess, like I didn't do enough with Tom. Like I feel I didn't take advantage of his presence in my life. He tried so hard to be close to me. I took full advantage of Green Day and snowboarding but not Tom. And now the time has passed and Tom is gone. And I feel so unfulfilled. So empty when I think about him. There's something missing. I feel like I should have done more. It's really upsetting me. It's such a strange feeling.

I think that I felt so awful in general, that such small, sweet, simple, superficial things gave me such an extraordinary, healing high. It soothed me and nurtured me so much. I took it where I could get it. I don't have a hard time facing reality anymore, so I don't need these sweet simple highs and yet, I'm not truly fulfilling my passions so I'm not completely satisfied - so I'm kind of humming at a low frequency. If that makes sense.

It's sad to say this but I'm not fulfilling myself with Starbucks and Joe. It's not a bad relationship and I relish the comfort sometimes. He gives me things I've wished for so, so, so, so much since I broke up with Mike. Things I thought even Mike gave me, but he really didn't. And now Joe gives me these things that I asked for. It's a healthy relationship. But there's something missing. I just don't know that it's realistic to expect that in the future I'll be in a relationship with someone who can fulfill that missing aspect.

I feel so emotionally out of place and empty right now. It hasn't previously hit me this hard, reading over my entries. I have to say that it started when I read a message I wrote to Mike's mom a month after the final breakup. I don't know what it was. I didn't read the whole message, saved it for later, but it was such a different perspective than what I remember. A different side of the break up. The break up grew into this shadow of anxiety that just haunted me for months and months after. The proclamation - whatever it was, that I made to his mom, and her words back were just so touching in a way that I don't fully understand.

Maybe I'm just so used to remembering spite and anger and fighting. I didn't love myself after the break up and I struggled so hard to deal with it. I fought so hard, I resented so much, I feared so much. It was ugly. But it wasn't like that just a month after the break up. It developed into that, it developed into this obsession that drove me crazy.

I think that the final letter to his mom was almost like me putting closure on, this is hard to explain.... the way I felt for myself through Mike, was still reminiscent through his mom. I lost it with Mike and it haunted me. It haunted me to be reminded of it every day, all day long.

I don't know why I care though. I don't know why I find it beautiful and touching that I loved myself when I wrote to his mom. Because I love myself more than I ever did while dating Mike right now, don't I? Maybe I miss the challenge, the compassion that I had while dealing with Mike. Maybe a compassion that I had for myself. Even though, judging from my journal entries, I didn't really feel that compassionate for myself at the time.

Maybe it's that twin flame thing. That's so weird.

Ugh. I am just crying really hard right now and these emotions are so foreign to me. Maybe I'm just feeling things I've never let myself feel. Like the underside of a snail. That's why I said that I dealt with so many hard, aggressive, angry feelings after the break up. And this just feels so tender. Not comforting, just tender, raw.

Did I have something like that with Mike? Something so vulnerable and naive. And I hated myself for it afterwards so I developed something so sour and bitter. And I've carried it with me. It's not that I act sour and bitter, per se. It's just a shadow that hangs over my reactions, and my ability to be myself. I protect myself a lot more. Because Mike hurt me, betrayed me with our break up. I shared something with him. Something tender.

I feel comfortable with Joe. There's no doubt about it. I feel more secure and confident and comfortable with him. I definitely love myself more and I accept myself more. But there's still something stiff and hard about my relationship with him. Not an obvious thing, but a subtle nuance that I didn't have ANY CLUE of until now, until reading that letter.

I felt so foolish for trusting Mike so explicitly. I hated myself for trusting him. I hated that. I was always so trusting. It's like, these days, I have so much confidence that I don't actually fear and regret and hate as much as I used to. Because I know I can hold my own in any situation I get into. But I still haven't let go of that wall of protection. I still haven't allowed myself to breathe so naturally. To trust so fully.

I can tell that I need to release something cause my nose is stuffing itself up and as I talk it's clearing up again. I wasn't ready to trust so openly. I was too vulnerable because I didn't know how to love myself and thus, protect myself the true way. In love, there is no pain and there is no aggression or destruction. You can't bruise or break if you love yourself. It's the capability to be invulnerable.

I couldn't open myself up raw to the world and be okay. I got wounded from the things I experienced. I could deal with Mike all over again and not be wounded this time. Because I've grown stronger. But now I need to let go of that wall of protection. I need to surrender the fear that I may some day become hurt again. I need to have faith in the progress I've made.

I don't quite know how to do that right now. But now that I've identified the problem, I can just let nature take its course. We're naturally self-healing, if we only allow ourselves to do so. So I've just got to allow myself to do so. Stop holding onto any reasoning that tells me I need a firm wall of protection.

I haven't sneezed but my nose is running, so that means I'm releasing something.

Gosh, it took a long time for me to figure it all out. Lucky I have patience. Though I'm not entirely sure how Tom fits into that. Maybe because he was someone I could trust and I was too scared to recognize it. I don't know.

I have to work really hard to read through all my old journal entries this next week. I'm going down to Virginia to visit my parents the day after Thanksgiving and I want to have the reading portion done, if not the organizing part before I go.

I'm also going to start a website. I wrote an article for my parents website and they've had it for nearly 2 months but haven't bothered to read it even though it'll only take ten minutes. and I think they were meant to not read it, that's why they didn't feel the impulse to find the time - just the opposite. Because if they had, they would have put it on their website and I would have been satisfied with that. But now that they haven't, I still need my words to get out there, I need someone to listen and communicate with, someone to hear what I have to say, many someones. So making my own website will be a good start.

Though I'm scared. And that's one of the reasons why I wanted to go through my parents, because they would actually be the ones receiving the messages from people and I could almost anonymously post my work, and not directly connect with people. So I have to face my fear by directly reaching out to people who can communicate with me and connect with me on this level.

I should mention that I was already recommended to make my own website a few months ago, but I rejected the suggestion. I think I'll talk to my dad while I'm down there and try setting it up.

2008-11-05T00:36:00.003-05:00

I feel like this election would have been more relevant to me, if there had been a woman candidate. So many people are grateful becomes this victory is the highest acknowledgment of their right to be American citizens. I think we should just throw out the term "african american" cause African, for a large portion of the "african american" generations is just a way of saying, dark skinned. It's not really referring to their cultural history. We sometimes refer to people as Irish Americans or something of the kind. But after even just one generation, if you grew up in America and especially if your parents grew up in America and ESPECIALLY if your grandparents grew up in America.... where they came from shouldn't be part of your identification label.

I mean, personally, the "african american" culture that I see here in America, didn't come from Africa. It was created in America and reflects the American culture, but to a certain degree, the "african american" american culture. Not that white people don't join in. (I'm talking about like the ghetto style, for lack of a better label.)

But if I was black and I had grown up in America and my parents had grown up in America and, well, if my former generations had been here since even slavery, I'd be pretty offended if I couldn't just simply be called, an American.

They should have just stuck with "black" and "white". But personally, any distinguishing name is kind of offensive. Because in America, is seems like "white" is the default, therefore to speak of "color" is to speak of the minority. And that's why it's relevant for the minorities to finally have a distinguished and honored representative.

And although I clearly understand the significance, I haven't really ever thought of their situation in a compassionate way. Because I've never oppressed the minorities. I've never been racist, I've never cared about lower class or race. So, I've never been sensitive to how it feels for them to be oppressed. It didn't really concern me.

But, Ashley, who is half African American. So she's half American American and half African American. Or part Spanish. I'm not sure, but she looks black in any case and she talks black in any case and she dates black guys, in any case... she called me a bitch like 17 times today. And it hurt. Naturally. I expressed honestly to her that I have never done anything to her, I have never given her attitude or treated her badly. I honestly did not deserve it.

And I had to cry. She was just having a bad day and she took it all out on me at the first opportunity. And it hurt. It seems that once my tears are full throttle, I can't make them stop. I don't cry often, but when I do, it's a force of its own. So I was trying to make my tears stop and I just said simply to myself, I know I'm not a bad person. End of story. A lot of people at work try to tear me down and they try to make me their enemy. And no matter what justification or excuse they come up with, I know that it's not worth it to fight them or acknowledge that they're my enemy. I only have to tell myself that I'm simply and naturally not a bad person. No way.

And I don't need to prove it. I don't need to struggle with it. I don't need to fight them for it. I don't need their validation. I'm just simply not a bad person. I think that throughout all of the fights I had in my lifetime and probably many more lifetimes, whenever someone accused me of being their enemy, of being a bad person in one way or another, when I argued back, I was half arguing with myself. I was half trying to prove to myself that I was not a bad person. Because I wasn't sure. And I've been trying to earn it like crazy in the past year being a friggen saint. though that wasn't my only motivation, of course.

But I felt that any spiritual progress and maturity and growth that I made would help me earn a little bit more worth. And that maybe if I reached perfection, I could ALMOST be worthy. But I didn't earn perfection through my progress. I only uncovered what was already there. I cleaned away the grime and I like what I found underneath. I like who I am.

God. All these times that I've even made progress with loving myself, I've always said that I loved myself at those times so passionately and excitedly. Like I needed a lot of enthusiasm and positivity. But I think that I always expressed my self-loathing by my inability to allow other people to love me. It made me uncomfortable to touch any situation where someone had good or bad feelings for me. Naturally, this is why I've avoided people since Mike and I broke up. Because if you're uncomfortable in every single social situation, it gets pretty futile to make friends and lovers and to even bond with your family.

I've had such a cloud over me. And to be honest, I am inspired by Obama's speech. I mean, I told this to myself in the bathroom earlier. But I feel like I can echo the cloud that's being lifted off the hearts of people who have felt oppressed by white america, and I didn't even realize it until now. I like myself. I don't have to tell myself that I love myself, the way you say you love your family because you feel you're obligated to love them even if you don't like them. I would seriously choose me as a friend. I'm fond of myself the way I'm fond of other people. I can enjoy my company and appreciate that I am good company the way I would any other good person.

But, there's a twist, I guess. The point of my story was that although I knew that I knew I was a good person, I still cried and it still hurt. Well it stopped hurting after my OFFICIAL STATEMENT. But I still cried.

And that's why I could imagine that even if an "african american" had an equal perception of racial equality, it would still be hurtful to grow up knowing that it's an issue to so many people. It hurts me that so many people at work have to debate if I'm a bitch or not. And usually, it's not much of a debate, they just agree that I'm a bitch.

And I think that although I always knew that it was their own world that defined who I was, their own reality that was projected onto me, I was worried that even though they were looking at me through a skewed perspective, I still MAY have done something to provoke it. I still MAY have done something to DESERVE it. and now I know that I haven't. I don't feel guilty. And I'm ready to accept that it is wholly their own perspectives being projected onto their own perspectives of my behavior. They see me how they want to. And I will never be able to present myself as I hope they see me, because it doesn't matter. They will see me how they want to.

And I have to let it be. I have to let their decisions be what they are. I can't struggle with them over it. It's going to be the way it's going to be. I need to know that I should and will do anything that I feel is right, regardless of how I hope it affects them. I can't be afraid to be myself just because I'm afraid to cross them. I can't be afraid to be controversial. Because when I'm a perfect little angel, I'm still a stuck up, tattle tail, cry baby, bitch with an attitude who sucks at life, inspires hate and is bad at working at starbucks.

I never did anything to earn those titles in the first place. I know that. I thought I may have with my attitude. But I have to have compassion for myself.

[23:39] Clawplagh: so because im completely random in conversation
[23:39] Clawplagh: are you good at forgiving people? is my next question
[23:39] IAMSpartacus117: yes.
[23:40] IAMSpartacus117: but technically I still hold a grudge when it's personal because, it's hard to explain, I don't always know how to be myself in a comfortable way around people who I conflict with.
[23:41] Clawplagh: oh. is that why youre always kind of defensive at work?
[23:42] IAMSpartacus117: I don't hold grudges in the least bit, nor do I get very angry. but yes, I get defensive.
[23:42] IAMSpartacus117: partly just because of the way I feel about myself. people don't enjoy situations where they don't feel good about themselves.
[23:42] IAMSpartacus117: so when I get in those situations, I have bad reactions.
[23:43] IAMSpartacus117: and it's not other people's fault. but they tend to escalate the situation because they aren't very sensitive.
[23:43] Clawplagh: ah
[23:44] IAMSpartacus117: and sometimes I don't know how to get back from that. It's like when you make someone the asshole and you don't let it go, and you always hold it against them. like we all do with Bryan. there's no way to come back from that. how do you think it makes him feel? it honestly only makes him worse.
[23:44] IAMSpartacus117: the only way to open up for better behavior is to give him a chance to have better behavior.
[23:46] Clawplagh: humans arent usually wired to think forgivingly, which does suck for people like bryan
[23:46] Clawplagh: heh
[23:47] IAMSpartacus117: I'm a compassionate person. I think that people reflect how they treat themselves by how they treat others.

And I have begun to be compassionate towards others, because I understand their psychology. But I kept thinking today, if only people could understand this about me. If only people could be compassionate about my situations. Why do I do the things that I do? Don't I have excuses for my mistakes? Not justifications, but reasons that are understandable. When you make someone the enemy, you've marked them evil. It's the classic situation of good and evil only each one thinks that they're on the good side and that their enemy is evil. How can I acknowledge that I can be anyone's enemy? When I'm no where near evil. I'm no where near selfish or immoral. I have to have compassion that even if I am defensive, I am not a bad person. Even if I give an attitude, I am not a bad person. Even if I come off strong, I am not a bad person.

I am no one's enemy. I will not concede to that. Yes, I would have never used that word if not for watching the election speeches tonight.

Most importantly, I'm not an enemy of myself. I've had such positive thinking and positive expression for myself over the past year. I've done incredibly. But it needed to sink in. I needed to believe it whole heartedly. And maybe I'm not 100% there. There's always progress to be made. But I've taken the next step, that's for sure.

Though, my anecdote has made me realize that how you feel that people feel about you is a reflection of how you feel about yourself. What you acknowledge and feel the ramifications of is not another's perception, but your own. If you feel badly, it was your own opinions that brought it about. And thus, you shouldn't require external validation.

Socially, as far as the government and social reforms go, it can't hurt to have more equality. But I don't push them as much because if I was black, I would never wait for an "african american" president to validate my racial or general worth. I think that if anything, we've been ready to accept equality. The people of America have been ready to accept equality. White america has been ready. But african americans needed to become ready to accept equality as well. They hung on to their status, if I'm not too bold to say. I know that's terrible generalization. But, many of them did, and I know this because many people of any race or gender or age, believe themselves to be victims and relish in it. And the african americans have been victims for centuries. They're trademark victims. And I think they hung onto it too long.

The other day I said, "so, this is a racist comment. I think that black people use the race card way too much." That's my racial judgment.

To a certain degree, we needed fighters. We needed strong black individuals who were willing to fight for their civil rights. But once they got them, it was their move. It was their turn to make a statement that they were willing to accept equality. And for a long time, they didn't. They still saw themselves as separate and victims of our differences. And they accepted their status to a certain degree. I can't judge fairly that they didn't have opportunities. I don't know what it's like to not have opportunities. I see them everywhere. But perhaps that's because I'm willing to see them everywhere. Perhaps I'm willing to acknowledge my opportunities and many black people have not been willing to acknowledge them.

I mean, the way I see it, a black person is not really a black person. A black person is a soul who has come into a skin. Just skin. I was probably black in a past life. It happens. There is honestly no separation for me because skin is just skin. Like the size of your ears. It's just a superficial chance. You get big earlobes, you get small earlobes. Not something to write home about. So I recognize that there is no skin underneath the surface and that there is no color or relevance to color underneath the surface. But I also believe that we are born into lives that reflect the mindsets we choose to have. And if we're born into a life with little opportunity, it's because we believe that there is little opportunity, and we're really only getting what we expected of life. Nothing new.

We like to say, "well I believe that I have no opportunities because I grew up with no opportunities." That's not how it works. You grow up with no opportunities by believing that there are no opportunities. You see what you want to see and you bring upon yourself what you ask for. You make your bed.

C'est. La Vie.

And if Obama got elected, it means that he is willing to have enough self-respect to believe that he can be the president. We've never had anybody even try have we? Same with women, I know that they have allowed themselves to be victims too long as well. I wouldn't even let Joe see me cry today because I knew he would hug me and pat me on the back and act like I'm a little girl who needs his big strong arms and I'm like - no, I don't need your big strong arms. Just as underneath the skin, there is no color, underneath the skin, there is no gender.

It should have been a black woman president. I want one of those.

But today doesn't mark the day that America has accepted black people. It marks the day that black people have accepted that America has accepted black people. And they need to live up to that. They need to recognize that if they want equality, they have to give up their victim status. Because white americans have too much pride to be pitied. Not that I admire that quality. But the american nature does not accept the slums. That's why our economy sucks. There's too much greed and gluttony and waste and not enough money to satiate it.

I have not a fiber in my being that says that "african americans" can't stand tall. But they need to believe it too. They need to be willing to stand tall now.

2008-10-24T08:46:00.003-04:00

So, I had a dream that I saw a baby camel run through my back yard. At my old house. Hmm. That's a significance in itself. Old life. I never thought of that symbolism for my house in Hyrum. In any case, I ran after it and then I saw the mommy. It was huge. And I had horses, and one of them didn't like the camel. So they fought. They totally reared up on their hind legs - both the white horse and the camel. It was quite a spectacle, I can tell you. So, I think the horse won or the camels went home. And then I think the horse came down and sat next to me. I think it could talk and it was a close friend. Maybe my protector.

So I spent the dream in wonder of this incident, trying to tell people about how it had happened. I went to Joe's house and I parked in a place that pissed his mom off. And then I found out that Joe wasn't even there, he had gone to some camp or trip or something random in NYC. Without telling me.

And I think my sister was helping me move something. I think she had a car full of stuff and I had a van full of stuff, and that's why I'd parked on the lawn and pissed Joe's mom off. I don't know why or where I was moving the stuff to, though.

WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN? What does a camel and a horse fighting an epic fight mean? Something mysterious, evidently. Because I can't think of anything..

I have to go to the post office and go to work, though.

We'll talk about Disney philosophies later. I'll just keep telling myself Hakuna Matata for now.

2008-10-21T17:24:00.002-04:00

So I'm fairly certain that I've officially figured out what my relationship with Mike was all about. I've been reading over journal entries and there is an extreme amount of variation in what I say about him, but it all essentially stems from the same issue. This issue about worth. An issue whose symptoms diffused throughout my emotional body and reached the surface in a multiplicity of ways but as I said, still underlyingly say the same thing.

And I can just delete all those words in a heartbeat. I mean, I still have a copy of them, but in this case, for my book, they have no relevance because all I need to know is this issue of worth.

I haven't yet summed up the issue with Dan yet. I was battling such an intensity with Dan. Because of the state of mind I was in. In prior flings I had always dealt with very strong and wild emotions. That was a pattern. But this time, I was dealing with the deepest, revolutionary, life-changing philosophies. And yet, I still had the desire to heal, to be loved, to have worth.

So, I mean, I couldn't cleanse myself of emotional involvement, even though I wanted to. I wanted to look at the realistic, serious side of God and life. But I still needed to fix things in my emotional body. And that battle between philosophical reality and emotional reality made everything about Dan very grave and sressful.

It was essentially the same issue as with Mike, of course, because all relationships have had that same theme. I enjoyed Mike because he made me feel worthy. I lamented our breakup, I obsessed over our breakup because I missed that feeling. It had been ripped away from me and I needed it back. And it took a long time to come back from that, to develop a lifestyle that I could thrive in, despite not having Mike. And I just kept dreaming about Mike, knowing that he represented something, but I didn't know what. I don't dream about him anymore. Because I know now what it represented to my subconscious. Worth. Mike represented my way to have self-worth.

And Dan was my way of coming back from that in the sense that I couldn't until that point let anybody affect me the way Mike and Amelia had. I couldn't bond with anyone, I couldn't respect anyone. I needed to open up to people again. But I was also very addicted to Dan's own version of giving me worth. And because of the newfound philosophies and him being an adult and me becoming an adult, everything was very, very intense. With Mike, I was happy. Miserable throughout the breakup but happy with him. With Dan, everything was just very intense.

Obviously, I never got to be in a relationship with him. For a year, things were pretty much just up in the air. Always tense.

And it's funny.. I finally have, again, what I had with Mike. With Joe. Only better. It feels emptier. But that emptiness is me being devoid of emotional baggage, drama. So I have less anger, less hate, less frustration, less fear, less misery, less fighting, less self-loathing, less passion. Sure, I'm empty of those emotions. But am I stupid enough to complain about it?

And it's not like I suddenly became worthy and was given Joe. Because I recognize that there were other people similar to Joe, like Tom, who wanted to date me for a very long time. But I couldn't feel anything for them. I was attracted to the emotional, dramatic people like Mike and John. I was attracted to people who were not capable of appreciating my worth like Dan and James. Because I wanted to open my eyes to issues they could spark.

And the fact that I chose to go out with Joe only shows that I'm finally ready to let that go. I'm finally ready to move on from that theme of that pattern with that particular type of guy.

And I do love Joe. And I miss him when he's not here. He's my spine. My emotional and even physical support. Willing to be there for me. And it's not a one way street. It's not like he adores me and worships the ground I walk upon. He's not my slave. He helps me and I help him. I think we both give willingly. And take sparingly. But because we're both always giving, we hopefully don't feel without. You know? And that's how it should be. Instead of both people taking and neither of them giving or one person taking and one person giving. I do everything I can imagine to help make his life better. Except give him a blowjob. Not that he would ask. :P

And he does everything he can think of to make my life better. I don't feel like I need to beg any more of him than he gives me. And he doesn't ask a lot of me, though I feel that's because he feels he doesn't deserve to ask - something I'd do anything to help him contradict in his belief system.

And it's funny. I think, as a woman, we have this natural compulsion to be adoring and attentive. It's a motherly quality to take care of things, to nurture, to run the household and the relationship while the father is the figurehead. So in a sense, we ignore guys who would give us the same adoring and attentive quality we ourselves possess for men. And that's why nice guys finish last. But it's so amazingly crazy to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't give.

I never thought so. Because I never thought that I deserved to have it. And that's why I always had a begging quality. Because I always felt like a beggar. I felt like I didn't naturally deserve anything, thus, all I would ever get is what I convinced someone to give me through pity and compassion for my situation.

It seems so familiar to have someone who wants to give. Because I've possessed that quality for my lovers as well. But it's so new and amusing to have it on the opposite side.

And yeah. It's a little boring, a little dull. Because there's no negative drama, which I don't miss, because it made me MISERABLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. But to contrast the misery, there was a manic feeling. Overstimulation that couldn't last and didn't sincerely mean anything. But filled a quarter of my time with a high that I craved the other 75% of the time while I was miserable. And that's part of the misery, the absence of that manic emotion. It was always one or the other. So if I wasn't manic, I was miserable and I was in a panic to find a way to get the mania back.

But as I've said before, we allow our emotions to become the dictionary for reality. They define the meaning of life for us. And I feel like I can't define this relationship because I have no emotions negative or positive. But I'm happy. And satisfied.

I miss the mania. I miss the need, the emotional lust for the mania. That's kind of how it's been in the past year. When the mania was absent, instead of going to the opposite extreme and hamming up my misery, I learned to just lust for the mania in order to fill those moments. And I spent so much time doing exactly that. Lusting for a relationship, for a person who could give me that mania.

And I almost said no to Joe, because I wanted someone who would make me feel manic. I wanted a lifestyle that I could be proud of. Whenever I imagine it, I think of what would make me proud. But I forget that pride is empty in itself. And that even if I had that situation, I would probably be sitting there bored and lost and wishing I was alone.

I don't need Joe. But I enjoy him. And I have all of the physical stuff I've been craving for centuries. I have warmth, hugs, kisses, making out, sitting on his lap, touching, foreplay and sex, to a degree. We've only been dating for two weeks, so we haven't really established a habit yet. Not that that sounds very appealing. But I have all the security and comfort I wanted physically. And I get to sleep in his arms, because I live in my own apartment now. And I get to see him at work, which I love. Though the managers yell at me every damn day for being at Famiglias. Which sucks because I've gone there on my breaks like... always. Even before I was dating Joe. Because I like all the people who work there, at least the males, and I'm so bored on my breaks that I chat with them to fill the time. The managers didn't like it, but now that they know I'm dating Joe, they automatically think that I'm over there distracting him from his work. So they kick me out.

It frustrates me. It frustrates me that I'm getting yelled at constantly because then I feel that I'm constantly letting them down. And it frustrates me because I don't want to stop going over there. So I'm just going to keep getting yelled at. I wish they would lay off. I'm not distracting Joe. I just like to watch him work and chat with the guys. And Joe listens, so I can go over there and tell him a little about my day. And eat pizza too. Though that's an issue in itself because I'm supposed to pay for the free pizza they give me... so I can't eat it there because otherwise the managers will realize they never gave me their card for the discount.

It's funny, though. Because I didn't pay for it twice a few days ago and I just looked right in the managers eyes and even talked about my choice of food and stuff. Unabashedly. Which makes me a really good liar and that's not a fun status to have. Because then when you get caught, they know that you're not guilty for it. They know that you're not ashamed of your lies. But it relieved some of the stress. lol. Cause I was afraid to get caught, though not guilty. All of us do it when we can. And so much food gets thrown away that you feel like it's worse to not eat it, than to eat it. I first only ate food that was going to be thrown away except the soups and the pizzas. Though I would happily eat some if I was over there when they throw it out. even though the pizzas are not very good when they're not fresh. Same with the pastries, but they sometimes throw them out at the end of the day even if they are still fresh enough.

I want some soup now...

But if I go there I'll get yelled at because now apparently everything I do is in order to distract Joe. That pisses me off. I went in the other day on my day off. I wasn't even talking to Joe, I was in the front hall but closer to Starbucks than anything and I was with my sister and Isis, though not at that exact moment when Pete, a manager, came over and told me to leave. Not in a mean way. But he said "get outta here." and I protested because I'm a customer. And he sad it again. And I protested and he said it again.

He didn't say it mean and I didn't argue defensively. Actually. He said it like he knew I was bending the rules by being there, because we're apparently not allowed to be customers if we work there. I can understand them not wanting us to run around the back offices or come into the concepts and confuse the customers. And I argued back softly like I knew I was bending the rules too but I thought I would give it a shot anyway.

And yeah, I did say hi to Joe. Though my whole point in coming was to give him his contacts, cause he'd left them at my house. And I'm glad I did because he said that during football practice his glasses couldn't fit under his helmet so he basically just couldn't see at all. But it was on a really slow day. I couldn't possibly get in the way of customers because there were none.

I wanted Joe to see Isis do her ABCs on her birthday and Isis adores being there. She fought us so much to leave after Pete kicked me out. Amelia didn't want to be there either but Isis loves being in public for some reason. She's shy when you introduce her to someone, but she loves saying hi to random strangers. I don't get it. If you're in a house or you go to a house and there's only one person there, she won't say anything. She won't look at them, she won't say hi. But if you go to the store, she walks off on her own and says hi to everybody she sees and she talks to them about her bah bah or the crackers she wants or the doggie she's just seen.

It's not strange because it's backwards. It's strange because I didn't think a baby would be able to differentiate between the situations. Like she can distinguish the situations that symbolize something for her, so she knows that something about being introduced to someone makes her afraid. Probably the direct pressure, her mom is like that too. But something about the freedom of being in public but knowing that everybody there is a stranger, thus, there are no expectations and that releases her shyness and lets her open up more. When people look at her or pay direct attention to her she feels pressured and she closes her eyes and pretends to be asleep. But when people are just standing around scanning the products on the aisle, she feels that they're approachable and she makes small talk with them.

Anyway, there is still some emotional drama with Joe. Like, he smokes. I knew he used to smoke and I thought, before we dated that he did smoke. But then he lied to me and told me he didn't smoke. But I caught him smoking twice. The first time I got mad because he was smoking during my break and I wanted to hang out with him but he was outside with Ashley and I waited for him at Famiglias but he was gone for like 20 minutes. So I hammed it up a little bit jokingly, with the help of my Starbucks friends. But then someone told me that Joe had had a bad day so I ran out there to hug him and let him know that I wasn't mad because that was only added stress and it wasn't serious for me.

I never told him he couldn't smoke, though I won't pretend I like it. But I forgave him that day because he said it was because of the stress. That was actually the first day I said I love you. Cause he said it before we were even dating but I couldn't say it. But that day when he said I love you I automatically said it back without thinking about it. Because I did care about him, and that is love.

But then the other day I came out to tell him that I was staying late and Melissa said he was outside taking a smoke break, I went out there but couldn't find him, so I went back in, but couldn't find him inside so I went back out and he wasn't smoking so I asked him if he had been and he said no, he was only getting some fresh air. Totally lied to my face. But then I smelled it on his breath so I asked him again and he said he'd only taken a drag.

And that hurt a lot. Both times I walked away and pretended like I didn't care. I, for some reason, didn't allow myself to emotionally react in front of him. I immediately blocked the emotions and walked away to process them slower and on my own private time. Though I always tell Ron things cause he acts interested. Like he's not seriously interested, but he listens and jokes around about me and Joe and asks questions. He works in Starbucks so he's on my side of the fence. Someone I won't get yelled at for talking to.

Ugh, and I wanted to work at Famiglias. Not now. But I wanted it to be an option, cause I like it there. Though it is fucking easy. All you have to do when there's a customer is put the pizza slice in the oven and ring them up. No preparation under pressure. And I may miss preparing the drinks and the cleaning and having to actually do work if I went over there. But I wanted to know that if Starbucks got to be too much, that I would have other options - Famiglias. Now there is no way a manager would ever let me do it. They would automatically assume that I'm doing it to go over there and flirt with Joe all day and they would assume that we could never get any work done and that we'd be hugging and touching all day.

Ugh. I wanted to go there before I even knew Joe's name. Before I'd ever even said a word to him. They'll never believe that. Destiny, who works there, asked if I wanted to switch with her so that she could work at Starbucks. But she asked at a really inopportune moment. EVEN THOUGH I HAD JUST BEGUN DATING JOE. I still said no.

Moo.

Anyway. I block my emotion in first reaction. That's what I learned. I'm disappointed that Joe smokes. But there is no margin for lying. He has to trust me. He has to trust that I'll love him despite the truth. He doesn't have to tell me everything but if I ask directly he can't lie to my face, like three times. Because he had previously said that he quit smoking years ago.

And I didn't yell at him or show any anger at all. I just walked away, back to Starbucks. He sent a couple people over to ask if I was mad and I was like, am I supposed to be pleased that he lies to my face? No. Well then that's your answer. Though I didn't say anything about the smoking. But he felt really guilty and I went over there on my break and told him that I didn't care about the smoking but he couldn't lie to me.

BUT we had originally had plans to hang out. It was a Sat night and we take those nights to sleep over because he usually can't on weekdays because he's still in high school. We were going to go to his homecoming but he had to work. And I had already told him I was okay with it, that I didn't want to go anymore. Though he felt he had disappointed me so that made him moody. And the cigarette thing just went on top of that. But while I was mad he called his friend to pick him up after work. Instead of going home with me. So when his friend showed up I again said to his face that I wasn't mad.

Yes, I LIED to his face. But over the opposite issue. Not something that would make him mad, but something that would make me mad. I was in denial about my own anger. But I left and just said bye across the hall to him, without giving him a hug or a kiss. I couldn't fake it. I couldn't fake any softness or sweetness, cause my emotions were frozen in mid-air. I didn't want to feel the pain. So I walked out to my car and he yelled across the parking lot but I ignored him. I was going to wait in my car for him to get there but he didn't think I would so he ran all the way across the huge parking lot and he asked if I was mad at him for leaving with his friend and I said no, and he said it seemed like it. But I lied again.

So he started walking away but I asked him if he was going to give me a kiss goodbye and he said that I was closing the door in his face, which I was. So he kissed me goodbye and started walking away but I felt bad because he'd just run all the way across the parking lot and he was breathing heavily and it showed he cared, so I told him to come back and I gave him a huge hug.

But as soon as he left I got hit with a bunch of pain. I was hurt that he would leave me when we so obviously had plans to hang out, to not only hang out but to sleep over. I was hurt that he was smoking behind my back and that if there was a reason for him smoking it was one I was unaware of. We had come together because he had slept over the night before and it felt like something had happened and I'm like, but nothing could have because he's been with me this whole time. He was being so distant and moody and then he ditches me in such an obvious manner. He said that he had called his friend while I was mad at him and that pissed me off more because that showed that he was punishing me for being mad at him.

Like when you do something wrong and someone gets mad at you for it, you spitefully or vindictively do something more that will punish them for punishing you. Yeah, I've done it a million times. You want to get a reaction out of them, you want them to suffer. And that made me mad. That he would do that to me. That he would pretend like he'd called his friend because he thought he weren't going to hang out because I was mad. But I came back like ten minutes later and told him I wasn't mad and everything was okay. And he had like two or three hours to call his friend and change his mind, but he didn't.

I worked 11 hours that day so that I could stay and be with Joe while he worked overtime, and so that we could go home together and first he gets moody and silent and then he smokes behind my back and then he lies about it and then he runs off with his friend as soon as he gets caught. All I wanted to do was go to his homecoming and sleep in his arms and he just had so much going on and he wouldn't communicate with me about it and he just kept his distance and it hurt a lot.

So I cried in the car. I sent him a text but he and his brother share the cell phone bill and they haven't paid it yet so his cell is shut off. For a while he could still receive texts and calls but now he can't so he didn't get them. He came on aim and I said that I was mad and he said sorry a million times but I didn't care to hear it so I told him to go away and he did. And I avoided the emotion further by watching Friends. It gave me some good laughs.

But I gave him my single bed cause his broke and I had just bought a queen sized bed. His dad was supposed to pick it up ages ago but he hasn't, so Joe came the next morning to get the bed. I thought he wouldn't since I was mad at him and I thought he would further avoid and reject me. But I think he went off with his friend to punish me and then I told him I didn't want to talk to him on aim to punish him for punishing me, and in doing so turned the tables. So he had to come the next morning and get me to stop being mad. I wasn't responding very much even though his dad told me I looked sexy even in pajamas....

But then Joe said that he couldn't get a ride to the 5hour thing for getting your license and I automatically got lost in my compassion and offered to take him myself and released my own emotion in doing so. I had plans to ignore him at work and ignore him all week but I couldn't. And Sunday was an intense day so I got lost in that.

Starbucks is a very high pressured place to work in. It's very intense. The service industry IS intense, but out of all the concepts in the plaza, Starbucks is the most intense. And perhaps the Starbucks customer is the most intense as well. Not to mention we gravitate dramatic people working there, so they don't make things any easier.

I am not exaggerating when I say that we had at least 20 if not more drinks lined up across the counter waiting to be made. Empty, labeled cups. And I couldn't pore the damn milk because every time I'd go to do it, the cashiers would call three more friggen drinks and I'd have to scramble for the marker to mark more cups before I forgot what they had ordered.

Brittany was too busy making free drinks for her friends and not marking cups when she was supposed to be. And she was highly offended in a spoiled brat way that I wouldn't make the drinks for her friend, so she was being all haughty and uncooperative. And Matt burned his hand and had second-degree burns which he ignored at first but he was so stressed he wasn't much help, even though I desperately needed him because he's a good barista.

Then Brittany got on register because Martin kept calling drinks and not waiting for us to hear them and write them down so we kept missing drinks. But he cant do bar, he doesn't know how so he couldn't help me. So I don't even know how I did it. I was so mad at our manager for not friggen helping us. She came in and just cleaned a little and that's it. I needed her to make mocha but I had already made it in like .05 seconds because she wasn't there, even though I had to search the whole building for scissors and ended up borrowing a knife from Famiglias.

The truth is, Pam is old. And if we can't handle the stress of making the drinks, neither can she. She can't hear as well as us, she can't remember as well as us and she can't make the drinks as fast as us. So she really wasn't any help.

Needless to say, nobody who ordered nonfat milk that day, got nonfat milk. And the shots were all over the place. They were either old or I couldn't remember if they'd already been put in so I just put a half of an old one in there to make sure it tasted like it.

The only ones I paid attention to were the soy ones because some people are allergic and I respect that. Everything else was extremely sloppy. And naturally, we kept getting errors. Matt blamed Martin calling them out wrong. And maybe he did. So we had to remake a bunch and of the 20 or 25 sitting on the counter, we were still missing at least five that we hadn't heard at all.

For some reason on busy days we always have leftover drinks that nobody takes. Either they leave without it or we got called it and then at the register they changed their minds and the cashiers didn't cancel it or we just make extra drinks on accident. We had just a swarm of people waiting for their drinks and only one drink was left there.

I thought that more people would sense the hopelessness of the situation. They could see at the register that there were 40 cups lined up along the counters and a mass of impatient, unhappy people.

Like, the thing with a service industry is that you're trying to please the customers. No matter what. Even if there's something wrong, you're still trying to make things right. But I knew that it was a hopeless situation. I didn't even pressure myself to try to make things right because I knew it was impossible. In fact, I was laughing and smiling and making jokes because I had so detached myself from even expecting that one single drink needed to be perfect, so I didn't feel any stress at all. In the least bit. I just knew it was hopeless. And accepted it.

I didn't even bother to say, sorry for the wait to any of the customers or Have a nice day. Because there was no way to fix it. No way to make it right. There were just too many customers and not enough hands. Not enough mobilization. We could have done it but we didn't have any team work whatsoever. Usually there are two people on bar. One to label the drinks and do syrups and one to do the shots of espresso and the milk. The one side deals with the cashiers and listening to drinks and the other side deals with the customers and sometimes the complaints or remakes. But we only ever really had one person on bar that day. Doing both. And on a slow day, it's no problem. But as I said, when you're getting called three drinks each minute, no exaggeration, you can't get anything done because you're too busy having a sharpie and an empty cup in your hand instead of milk or espresso.

And if there's a time to catch up, you can. Even if there's a line of drinks, you can still catch up. But not if its constantly busy. Later on the manager came and helped me on bar because Matt had gone to emurgentcare, now that I think about it, I think that's the little doctors office in Coxsackie. But when she helped it wasn't very busy and shortly after she left I had a small rush of drinks again and I ignored all the nonfatness again. Cause you have to steam the milk. So you only get one or two drinks out of each "steamed milk portion". So you have to keep refilling the milk and wait until it's done. And you have to hold the jug for the cappuccinos because you need foam, so you can't even set it down and then do other things. And then after a few times, you have to open up a new gallon of milk. To deal with opening those things, steaming, pulling the shots - and variations of them all because some want one shot or three shots or soy milk or the steamed signature hot chocolate which has its own pitcher. And then there's whipped cream or caramel drizzle. Plus putting on the lids and calling them out to the customers.

Not to mention you have to listen to them complain about you getting it wrong or listening to their questions while the cashiers are still calling out drinks and you can't mark the cups right away so you forget or you get them wrong. And then you have to run around trying to find the marker and put the initial syrups in and all the little "qualifications" as I like to put it, that go on the cup. Like one person wants the regular drink but with extra this and none of that or whatever.

It's just too much to do for one person.

And I've actually only been doing bar for about three weeks. And even then not that often because I'm usually stuck on register aaaaall day. So all things considered, I was the least experienced person getting stuck with this stuff.

But like I said, I wasn't stressed. Matt was because he had been there for an hour, and he still expected to please the customers but I came in right in the middle of it and I knew that there was no hope. He started out pleasing the customers and didn't want to lose that. I was ready to just accept defeat in the first inning.

So that's why Matt was making mistakes. Burning his hand and spilling drinks all over himself. He's the happiest person ever. And he was just so miserable and stressed out. And now he has a big ol blister from the second degree burn. It wouldn't have gotten so bad but he pretended like it wasn't as bad as it was so he didn't treat it with the first aid kit. I have before and mine might have blistered too, if I hadn't of. But Matt wouldn't leave in the middle of the chaos, even though he wasn't actually helping very much at that point.

It was so dumb though. I came in the next day and all Jasmine and Ashley could do was complain. Ashley, because she had a register and Russ didn't pull her on time so she had to stay 15 minutes past the end of her shift. And Jasmine was mad because me and Matt didn't pull pastries from the freezer the night before when we closed. They need time to thaw so they can sell them in the morning and they had pretty much none. I had thought of it but I ignored it because Matt was the superior or senior and I left the responsibility to him. Which is hypocritical for me, but understandable for them. Like, I wasn't to be blamed because I'm fairly new, even though I see myself as an independent worker who doesn't just dump things on the superior's shoulders, but takes her own initiative. But I was too busy flirting with Joe, actually.

:p

Anyway, it was so sad, because it was so trivial after a day of havoc and wreckage and Matt's second-degree burns. And they were just so angsty and pissed off and pessimistic. I couldn't take it. Jasmine was so negative and bitchy and I realized that she's always going to bitch and find something to complain about because if there are nine of ten things done, there's still gonna be something not done. You know? And then there's still going to be something to bitch about. So if there is, she's gonna find it. She is an awesome worker. She's so speedy, so efficient. She's the best person there. But that's the thing, she's so great at it that nobody compares. So nobody is more efficient than she, thus, she will always have something to complain about.

So ironically, this was yesterday, and after Jasmine and Ashley left, two people from high school came and they had to leave early because they were minors. So that left me and Beth to close. We've both been there for about the same time but Beth works part time so she knows half of what I know, even though she's a fully capable adult. And Brittany was being a spoiled brat again. Because I was on register alone before Beth came in and Brit and Timmy were just in the corner gossiping for like two hours. I couldn't do anything because even though it wasn't busy, there's still always at least one customer. There are only seconds pause between when one customer walks out and another walks in. And I had to be there to greet them. They were only on bar making the drinks so they could chat to themselves.

And they wouldn't share it with me, it was some big secret. Not that I really care, though if it was about Matt I want to know. It was either about sex or someone being gay, I'm not sure. Anyway, it doesn't matter but I jokingly said that they were having a fun day because they could just gossip all day while I was doing all the work.

But Brittany started arguing with me about it and giving me attitude because she's "where she's supposed to be" even though it would have been nice if one of them had gotten a register so that they could pick up the pace and deal with customers more efficiently. If a manager had been there, they would have honestly told them to do that. I swear they would have. But Pam did not think the schedule through, obviously since she'd given us the two newest people on the busiest day of the week and she'd had me and Beth closing alone.

Plus, even if you don't have a register, you're supposed to be "running" for me. Which means that you get my coffees and my pastries and you rebrew the coffee. Plus, you ask the customers if you can get a drink started for them so that by the time I'm finished with my customer, all I have to do is ring them up. And Timmy knows this. He did it a tiny, tiny bit. But he was too busy gossiping to do it.

So I was originally kidding but Brittany always blows things out of proportion and gets argumentative. She likes to put people down to make herself feel better and she has to be right. I think she's not a good person. Deep down. But otherwise she reminds me of me when I was like 11. Selfish and egotistical and argumentative.

So I commented back a little bit. But not really. But she just wouldn't let it go so she kept saying sarcastic things out loud. And I just kept ignoring her, I didn't say anything. But she wouldn't let it go. She just wouldn't drop it. And I kept ignoring it, but she wouldn't drop it. So she held onto the hostility throughout the night. I think it bothered her that I wouldn't engage in it. It reeeeally aggravates her when she can't get her way. She's a little princess.

So she kept saying things to Timmy, though Timmy wasn't being very hostile. Just a tiny bit. He asked me if I was on my period because he thought I was being bitchy and I said that I wasn't. They kept offering sarcastically to help me close. Like they were like, maybe if she's nice I'll do some dishes before I leave. But they were really too busy gossiping and then bitching at me, to get any work done. Brittany kept wandering off, but I didn't care cause I didn't need her help, since it was such a slow day.

When I went on break, I went to go talk to Joe but then Donna yelled at me to leave and I had Absolutely nothing to do but eat and I didn't feel like it so I pulled some stuff from the back, boxes of cups and pastries and things that we needed. We were actually pretty set from earlier on. I guess from having Jasmine there all day. Most of the time the people there just let everything get drained. Like they wait until the last cup is gone before they restock. But me and Jasmine restock when it's half-way empty. We always like things to be full and neat and abundant.

In any case, because we're not getting paid on our break and because it's the law that we need to take a break if we're working more than four hours, it doesn't really make sense to work while on break. But I had only been able to take a break because Beth had just come in and Timmy was about to leave so I knew that I wouldn't have a chance to pull things and since Donna had yelled at me, I couldn't talk to Joe on my break so I took the opportunity. And Brittany was so mad at me for doing it because that meant that things were getting done. And she was so stuck on her decision that I was going to fail. So she bitched at me for working on my break and I was like, do you honestly care that I'm working on my break? Like she was trying to convince me to rest instead of work. Like a friend would, but in an accusing way. Like I was doing something wrong, I was stupid, because I wasn't getting a chance to rest and eat. And I was like, yeah, right, like you care. The only reason she cared is because I took the chance to succeed and she wanted me to fail.

She kept making comments about how we needed her help to close but she wasn't going to help because I was being rude. I was like, I. DON'T. WANT. YOUR. HELP. very firmly and she was like, well with that attitude I'm not going to help you. And I was like, well, I don't want it, so it works out. But as I said, she has to get her way and she has a very personal attachment to things of this nature. So it infuriated her ego that I didn't need her help.

It happened another day when we both had a register and Matt was on bar but he left to unload the truck so I went on bar and she asked if we could switch, but I was to be on register for another few hours and she was leaving in ten minutes to go home. So I said no, I'm going to take this opportunity to be on bar, because after that I'm going to be stuck on register all night. And NOBODY likes it, because you can't do anything at all but pay attention to customers. You're a slave. You can't even really get work done, because all you're doing is taking orders. You never have a second to restock or clean, and the people on bar just sit there and gossip instead of doing efficient things that they have the freedom to do. So I can't and they won't and that makes me mad.

So that day I took my chance, Brittany had already been on bar earlier to cover someone's break while I was on register. So after I said no she got mad. So she kept calling out drinks and I was very busy cause there was a slight rush, though when there's only one person on register, there are less drinks at a time, so you have a moment to get things in order, besides the fact that about every other customer just orders plain coffee or pastries and the person on the register deals with that on their own so you have time, though I was working on drinks constantly and fast.

And she was like, well, you wanted to be on bar. In a - I told you so - voice. But I didn't regret being on bar just because I was busy. I could handle it. So I said nothing and I was more determined to show her that I was perfectly fine on my own. So I did, but I think that she purposely sabotaged me right before she left because she didn't call out some of the drinks. I noticed because the people were at the bar waiting and I asked them what drinks they were waiting on and I was not busy enough to have forgotten and when there's no one else in there, it's quiet so you can always hear when they call it out. Sometimes there are just so many people that you can't hear a damn thing.

But my point in saying this is that Brittany will actually go to those lengths to prove that she's right. So that's the kind of attitude she has. Where she will not only try to rub something in your face but she will actually go out of her way to make things worse for you so that she can prove herself right. Like she saw that I was getting the drinks and she hated it and she knew she was about to leave so she just decided not to call the drinks before she left. It could have been an accident, but I wouldn't put it past her.

And she was like that yesterday too. Always trying to say whatever it took to prove me wrong. So she was like, oh well I feel sorry for you, Beth - but I'm glad Jasmine is opening tomorrow, you guys are lucky, cause she will be more understanding than Bryan. And then when she left she looked around and said that things weren't looking so good so I guess "your plan didn't work". Even though, all that was a reference to my ability to clean. That's it. You close up, stop dealing with customers, and you clean and restock and that's it. And she was so convinced that we were incapable of doing it. When actually, every single time there's a bad closing it's because someone is lazy. I've seen it over and over and over again. Laziness. It's simple to clean. It's just laziness that says - ahhhhh, whatever, I want to go home. And before the end of their shift, usually.

But I like to get all my hours in, and I have no problem working hard. Plus, I love to clean and I love to be responsible. I love to be in charge. So I was excited that I could do things my way and get the credit for it. You know? Even if I had restocked the pastries Sunday night when Matt was there, he would have gotten the credit because he was the lead worker. But it brings me satisfaction to be recognized as a hard worker when I am a hard worker. So this was an opportunity to prove myself and since Jasmine had just been bitching all day, I was eager to prove her wrong by doing everything right.

But I was so stuck in proving her wrong. You know? When I was younger, I would have argued. But I have never argued with Brittany. I know what she's like and it's not at all worth it. So I always ignore her, but I know from personal experience that that never shuts a person up. And usually, when you don't engage, they have nothing to go on, so they make stupid shit up. So everything she said was extremely stupid.

She asked if I wanted her to call Justin in. Don't get me started. He is a really lame worker. Everybody knows it. He's a supervisor but he just wanders around like a ghost instead of doing any work. But Brittany is completely in love with him, though I'm not exaggerating when I say that nobody likes her because she's very annoying and needy and she doesn't connect with people. She's always obsessing over them but she never understand their emotions or how they feel and she's very controlling. Justin doesn't like her at all but she's madly in love with him. So she thinks he's an amazing worker if I think he sucks. But she knows he sucks anyway, I've seen her bitch at him.

So she wanted to call him in and he's the worst person to call in so I said so. and she was so offended and decided to tell him. Like I care. I've already told him to his face that I think all he does is slack off. But it just infuriates her. She keeps trying to control the situation and keeps trying to convince other people of the situation when it's so clearly not true. And the fact that I'm never intimidated because usually the situation defends me all on its own - like when she thought I needed her help on bar but I got every drink done perfectly - it just infuriates her more and she gets hung up on finding anything that will make me look bad so she just talks out loud or says things sarcastically out loud about random things that she thinks will mock me, but don't really. And I don't engage or show I'm bothered so she tries harder and thus becomes more stupid about it.

So she left early because she had clocked in early. I didn't care. But I went to get the keys to close because I thought that she was leaving at 9 - like she was meant to. But it was only 8:37. And I didn't want Donna to think that I was trying to close early, so I said, Oh, I guess I thought it was nine because Brittany is leaving. Which is the reason I thought it was nine. I heard her babbling about how she was leaving early but I didn't pay attention at all. So she left but she must have been questioned by Donna, and she apparently thought that I had gone to tell on Donna. So she came back in such a fury and she started bitching at me. I said that I hadn't known she was leaving early because I wasn't listening to her and she was like, of course not because you never listen, you're the worst worker ever.

So Justin is the best worker ever. She actually said that he did the most work out of anybody. And that I'm now the worst worker ever. Obviously she's biased by her emotions.

So she told me that she had been wanting to say so many things to me all day. And that umm... well I can't remember what she said. Something about me being a queen or something of that nature and about me thinking that I'm the best thing since peanut butter. I wanted to laugh because I had just had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich the night before. I love peanut butter. I expected her to say, since sliced bread. Cause that's the expression.

In any case, when she had first come in she said that she was a minor and that's why she needed to go home early since she clocked in early. It was a complete excuse. Even Timmy would say so, if he hadn't already left. Because I had jokingly used that excuse last Friday and he was like, no, it doesn't work that way.

So all I said to Brittany is that she better stop bitching and go, cause she's a minor. I repeated her exact words. But she said she was already clocked out. And then after she said that she had been wanting to say things to me all day I said that I hoped this felt good then. And she said it felt very good and then sort of stopped or something.

I was making drinks so I wasn't really paying attention. I mean, her purpose is to make me feel like shit. To make everybody feel like shit. Because she wants to be better than anyone. And she does it because she doesn't feel better than anyone. Some people brag to make it seem like they're higher than everyone. But she doesn't feel that she's good enough to be higher than everyone, so she lowers the bar and tries to make it seem like everyone is far, far, lower than even she believes herself to be.

And I've been there, I've experienced that same thing, wanting to make people feel lower than me. And I've seen her do it to everybody, she likes to be condescending and controlling. I'm not at all intimidated by her because as I said, it's so far from reality. She's almost like David in my explanations but still so very different. I can't describe it.

In any case, I didn't engage but it all did bother me. I may as well admit that. She always complains to me to Joe because she likes to turn people against people and she knows Joe from high school so he knew that she was bitching about me so when I went over there he asked if I was alright. And I said that I was, because I did feel alright. I was happy to have work to do and I don't care if Brittany hates me. She's crazy.

And he asked specifically, are you alright, like he didn't believe me. And I said that I was in a peppy voice, not faking it. But he was kind of on to something. I mean, I think that Joe feels that he himself would be bothered by someone like Brittany. He's very sensitive to bullies. But to admit that she bothered me is to give her power because her point was to bother me.

And it didn't make me feel like crap. She didn't affect me the way Joe thought she would. Joe thought that she Could make me feel bad because other people make him feel like crap. But I don't care in that sense. But it did make me nervous to conflict with her because it always makes me nervous to conflict with people. So my stomach was in knots the whole evening. I suppose it makes me nervous to fight, to defend myself. It always has.

But I know I did the right thing. I have always been desperate to prove myself in the past but I didn't need to. And that's true power. Fighting is not power. Power speaks for itself. And I didn't need to engage with her, because my power spoke for itself.

But combined with my annoyance at Jasmine and my determination to prove both Jasmine and Brittany wrong, as well as Donna because she thinks that I'm trying to distract Joe and she thinks that I'm trying to close early, and she is the only manager who has ever ordered me around like a slave because she thought she needed to otherwise I wouldn't listen.

Yeah, that one day that I complained about in my other superlong entry about the worst day of my life at work. So oddly enough, everybody was there that I needed to prove something to, and I was given the opportunity to do so by closing by myself. So I took the bull by the horns. And I wanted to do EVERYTHING. Like I said, you do 19 out of 20 things and there's still something to bitch at. Most of the time, they always leave at least one thing. And I wanted to do EVERYTHING.

But we only had two people, and we usually have at least three sometimes more. Usually we have this old guy do the dishes and the condiment stand. Sometimes we have Pam who helps us pull or restock. But this time it was just me and Beth, all alone. Nobody else.

And I did EVERYTHING. And I will tell you, my shift ended at 10. I stayed until 11:35. Beth left at 10:30, I think. She needed to get home. She has kids and she had to be up at 5AM. I didn't expect her to stay, especially because she was aware that I was trying to prove myself so I was being obsessive compulsive and fanatical.

And I was exhausted, emotionally from my determination. And I realize now that it wasn't as important as I allowed it to be. The determination was there before Brittany even started bringing it up, which is one of the reasons why I egged her on. Because from the first, I was determined to do it all my own. And she wanted me to need her, but I didn't. I got a little lost in my determination. Maybe in my pride.

But I have also realized that with more hands, more things can get done. But if it took me and Beth 2 and a half hours to clean, then obviously a lot needs to be done. They can bitch about my opening and all I have to say is, you can't expect me to stay two hours past my shift to clean, but that's how much time it takes.

But I did leave things pretty good. Everything was restocked and organized. And there was plenty of prep, though I didn't make signature hot chocolate because I don't know how to. Cause it's new. And I meant to write a note acknowledging that so she doesn't bitch, but I forgot.

On my way out, I dragged the mop and bucket but it's a pain and I accidentally knocked it over in quiznos and had water everywhere and had to spend ten minutes cleaning it up....

The only problem is... I'm still going to get in trouble because we're supposed to stay under 40 hours because we're in an economic crisis. And I'm probably going to have either 41 hours or 41 and a half hours by Thursday. The other day, Justin comes in at 4 and decides that he wants to leave again by like 5 so he was trying to find someone to cover his shift and that was the day that Joe was staying extra so I decided to stay with him. But Pam said I could only do it if I kept under 40 hours. Usually I only get 37 hours. But three hours extra would make me go over. So I took a second break and I planned to come in the next day later than I was supposed to so instead of an eight hour shift I only worked a six hour shift. But now that I've stayed extra I'm over.

Yes. Justin wanted to ditch work and I covered him and two days later Brittany tells me that Justin is the best worker and that I'm the worst worker. Hmm.

But I guess I won't say anything to the managers. I was going to tell them, but I'll let them find out on there own and blame Justin for not doing his calculations. They'll see I stayed late but I'll tell them the truth. I didn't look at the clock once until I'd left. It was just me and Beth and it was my first time closing alone so I wanted to make sure that I did it right.

It's not like I'll get reprimanded. I would if I came in earlier than they'd assigned me. But Donna knew I was still there at 11, she came in and took some of my garbage out and I said that I was almost done. And Pam knew I was staying extra that day, she okayed it. So I think I'll be good.

But Joe has IMed me and this entry is LAGGGGGGING because there is SO MUCH to it. So I better close up shop. I just don't write every day anymore so I had to unload.

2008-10-14T22:13:00.002-04:00

Why can't I dedicate myself to my book? Is there something I should be waiting for? Things I should learn before I can do this? I revolutionize my perspective all the time. And I believe it's important. Just a few weeks ago when I had that crying episode at work, and I released my inability to let people love me.. That was important. Not just because I can talk about it, and show people what I learned from it. But because I see myself differently now, and thus, my perspective and my slant reflects that.

I have like 40 hours worth of reading to do. Of my own writing. My own journal entries. Sifting through it, pulling stuff out. That will take me centuries if I only do like one hour a month. It's already been two years since I decided to do this. And I've done a lot of tangent work since then, but nothing that I feel has really helped get things going. I organize more than I write. Not that I'm lacking anyway. Because the problem is...bah.

I've just realized that the problem is, I write and organize the journal entries. But I don't write and organize the book. I see them as one, but the journal entries need to be read and rewritten. They're not directed towards the same audience as that of my book. Which I miss, in a sense. I feel like I want to write a memoir. Maybe I'm pushing myself too hard to be miss perfect philosopher.

I think I have to find an in between. Something warm and honest the way a journal entry is, but also direct and efficient the way a philosophy is.

And this is something that can reflect my feelings of self-worth. It's funny because I feel, now, all the things I used to say. I always knew what to believe, but I didn't believe it so I was always saying it to convince myself that it was true. And that's a problem, of course. Because I have to write about life, and reflect my self-worth within it. I can't write about my self-worth, which is what I would have ended up doing.

I think that I had a fighting attitude. Because I had something to prove about myself. This book needs to be about me, but not about my ego. It needs to reflect a more pure sense of self, one less diluted with my fear and pain.

It's so nice to have this new-found self-worth. It's nice to feel it, I mean. I always felt this urgency. Like everything I believed, I expected that I had to prove it. So I was always ansy, always tense, always at-the-ready to prove something. Just waiting for the chance.

Now I don't have those afterthoughts. I can just Be. Without a followup.

And I asked for Joe, and got him. Rather, I asked for qualifications and Joe showed up. Even the things I don't like about him I know I asked for anyway. Except the fact that he's not rich. I wish for a rich guy all the time. But I'm not going to find one working at the travel plaza or going to the community college, you know?

I miss Joe, though. It's weird. I like who I am when I'm writing and expressing myself. Maybe not enough.

Maybe I'm getting sucked into the simple, comfortable, superficial lifestyle. It's mundane. It's not fulfilling. But it's comfortable. Joe is comfortable. Not fulfilling but comfortable.

Damn. I'm falling asleep. I have to fight this. I have to fight this suppression of my IAm expression. Not that Joe is bad for me. Only that I can't become dependent on the lifestyle he gives me, because it can't be all that there is for me. Like today. He's got school and work and I have the day off, though I'm dedicating it to Isis because it's her birthday !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and she's sleeping over. But I miss Joe and I shouldn't. I shouldn't miss the comfortable simplicity. Complexity is important and it's not controversial for me anyway, so I don't know what I'm afraid of.

I need to at least read. ...

2008-10-05T22:29:00.002-04:00

So, I finally said yes to Joe. I honestly had to. Aside from the fact that he lacks the sharpness I admire, he's really too good to pass up. And when you really think about it, I'm probably not ready to have a sharp boyfriend. It's the same with the spiritually aware boyfriend. If I had one, I'd be on my toes all the time. If I don't have one, I can pretend like I'm not spiritually aware while I'm with him. I can pretend like I'm not thinking a thousand intellectual and wise things when I'm with him.

He is predictable. But I think the reason I said yes today is because we went to his family reunion and seeing him in a different context, with his family he opened up a little, I got to experience more of him than the same old thing.

I mean. In a sense, he's exactly what I asked for. The evening that he first slept over, as I was thinking about him before I asked if he wanted to come over, I was horny and I was thinking of things I liked and I wondered about making out on the floor. And when we first started kissing I was straddling him but somehow we ended up on the floor, from his doing. It was such a coincidence because I was thinking that there's really no good reason to make out on the floor. You've got so many other places to do it, how do you just ask someone to lay down and make out on the floor?

Of course, you can ask your lover that. Cause it's not a big deal. But he did it without my asking. And then I was thinking on the way over there how cute it is when a guy puts his hand on a girls leg while she's driving. Yeah... he does that. Without my asking.

When I get really horny I also love the idea of being kissed on the collar bone. Which I've never really experienced because guys are stupid and don't ever think to kiss me there. But my skin is really sensitive all over when I'm horny so it turns me on just to run my fingers over my collar bone.

The first night Joe slept over I asked him what his turn ons were and the first thing he said was when someone kissed his collar bone. And naturally he did it to me too. Plus he kisses and bites my neck, and likes it when I do it to him. Plus he opens his mouth really wide when we kiss. Plus he responds to my tongue. Plus he likes my boobs. Plus he likes grinding. Plus he likes kissing from my neck down to my waist.

Honestly, when I thought of making out with him, I thought he would do none of that stuff. I seriously thought that he wouldn't be the type to do any of that stuff. It really shows how much I know. James and Mike were sexy and exciting and I thought they would be sexy and exciting lovers too but they're sooo dull to even just kiss.

Ugh, I miss John a little bit. He's wacko but he was sharp as well as a sexy lover. But he's also crazy and emotionally fucked up, and less attractive, which effects the sex life. Not only because it effects how I feel about him, but because it effects how he feels about himself.

There are things I don't like about Joe. Like, he doesn't have his license yet. He's still in high school. He's not the sharpest tool in the shed. He's predictable. His family seems to be a lower class - which I consider a choice that they make.

But there are too many things that I have asked for so many times, too many things that I expected of James and he didn't fulfill that Joe automatically fulfills. Like heyyyyyyyyyy Joe likes me. He just plain likes me. He completely excepts me and supports me for who I am. And he has no problem expressing that he completely excepts me and supports me for who I am. James didn't even like me. He doesn't even like me enough to be my friend all year round.

Plus, even though James and John both expressed admiration for Isis, they didn't really want to meet her or play with her. When James was around her he couldn't express any emotion towards her, he just sat there and watched her. The first day I hung out with Joe, I brought Isis with me and he was soo great with her. He talked to her, he helped her, he played with her. When she bumped her head and started crying he ran to put his arms around her. Which, don't tell him, actually made her scream all the more because she doesn't like when strangers touch her. But it was the thought that counts.

Iliya was good with Isis too. But he's gone, so let's not talk about how I'd like him to be my boyfriend.

I mean I think of Timmy, and how Timmy flirts with me and it makes me smile and he's sharper than Joe and thus more exciting and interesting. But Timmy would make a horrible boyfriend. He's absolutely self-centered and shallow. Joe is so nice it annoys me. There's this rail that surrounds the parking lot at work. I hop over it, I rather like to because I do it sexy. Joe won't let me climb over it myself, he always has to help me. He really thinks I'm incapable of doing anything. I had to remind him tons today that I was fully capable of taking care of myself.

Today, he gave me a piece of gum and I put the wrapper on the back of the couch. I was kind of annoyed cause I didn't want to go put it in the garbage. And at first Joe didn't pick it up and put it in the garbage, he predictably always does things like that. And I was kind of annoyed that he didn't do it, even though I felt bad because I shouldn't expect him to do all the things I don't like doing just because he's nice. I shouldn't take advantage of that. But two seconds after I had that convo with myself, he grabbed the wrapper and went to the kitchen and put it in the garbage. I had to smile at that.

He's very considerate, helpful, overprotective, sweet.

He brought me a rose the day before yesterday. He got it at school, I don't know why they were selling them. And then he came to work to give it to me.

I love roses. They just smell good. I've never really taken to the romantic notion of giving a girl flowers. But I simply love to get roses. They're beautiful. And the fact that it's such a cliche means that guys have a good excuse not to do it. So they don't. And it's nice that Joe doesn't feel embarrassed or stupid or unmasculine for getting me the rose.

He lets me sit on his lap. He snuggled with me in bed.

HE DREAMS. I can't stand it when guys tell me that they didn't have a dream or they don't remember their dreams. It makes me seriously think that something is wrong with them. I always ask guys what they dreamed about. Every time I ask Joe, he tells me a dream. I woke up a bunch of times this morning and told him my weird dreams and he told me what he dreamt about.

So, get this, my favorite card game is Spite and Malice. I taught it to James the second time we hung out this summer and it gave us an excuse to hang out or we would play online with each other. Yesterday I asked Joe if he knew any card games and he said pretty much nothing but Slap Jack, Go Fish and War, though he said he couldn't remember War but I refreshed his memory.

But then today, we were over at his house and there was this Uno game. It was made by the company but it was called Skip-Bo or something stupid like that. I don't know how they came up with such an extremely dumb game. So I asked him what it was and he starts explaining it and I'm like THAT'S SPITE AND MALICE. Yeah, they totally ripped off the game. They didn't even change any of the rules, except that they have a special SKIP-BO card instead of King being the wild card. And they have the numbers 1-12 instead of Ace-Queen.

His mom loves the game. She was really mad that I won the two times we played. Well, not mad at me cause she likes me. But mad cause she's obsessed with the game. Which is funny, cause I am too, and I go around making everyone play it with me just like she does. So I gave her the website where you can play it online, so that she can play it with the computer any time she wants. She didn't know that it was originally Spite and Malice. I can't believe they ripped off that game and called it something so stupid.

But it was so funny to sit there and play with them. Cause they knew it so well and it was like we were on the same wave length. James was a beginner so I would teach him things that he was lacking. He pretty much lost 95% of the time. So to hear them say the kind of things that I had been telling James, it was just funny.

Joe, of course, sat by me and tried to help me play the game cause he assumed I needed it. Naturally, I didn't.

And yeah, his family smokes. I don't like it. I was disappointed to come home today and realize I smelled like smoke. I intensely Febreezed my jacket. And yeah, their house reflects a particular attitude. Like they don't care about their house. They don't care what it looks like. They don't take any pride or pleasure in making it a clean and beautiful home. And I don't like that. But after I got to know them, I was surprised that I didn't really see that in them.

Especially with his dad. I really liked his dad. He had a very sincere, kind eyes. A sincere and mature expression. He was not the type of guy I would picture in that house. He looked out of place in that house. His mom I could picture in that house though. But they have the exact same van as my parents, so at least they have a nice clean car. And I expected his family to be the same way, and it seemed like most of the women were, but the men weren't. I don't know why. Probably because Joe's dad's brother was a lot like his dad.

He came over and he had been a trucker and had a lot of back problems because of it. So he started giving Joe advice about work, about going into a field that's in demand, instead of a field that had way too many people. And then he said to be honest and to fess up to your mistakes. And it sounds cheesy and oversimplified. Like, duh, be honest. But to have a stand with those morals is important. Because I lot of people don't. A lot of people feel that they SHOULD have those morals. But they don't actually naturally have those morals, they're just fitting into society.

And this was the uncle who they warned me about. They said that he made a lot of jokes and that I should tell them if it made them uncomfortable. But when he was around me he was very serious and sincere. Though he did put chocolate cake on Joe's brother's girlfriend's nose.

One of the aunts I didn't really like. She had a very strong personality and, it's hard to explain what it is I didn't like about it, but it's a type of person I know and have always disliked. But when we left and Joe went to say goodbye, she cut the attitude and the jokes and looked at him very steadily and said for him to say hi to Joe's mom, who didn't come. And that she knew that Joe's mom wasn't feeling well.

And, again, it struck me. The... sincerity. When I think of the stereotypical dirtbag family, they're just gross. They don't care about anything. They're abusive and they drink and smoke and let everything go to waste - their lives, their relationships, their decorum. That's why they're called dirt. Because they're not even good enough to be soil. They're just the waste of life.

And I was afraid his family would be like that. But I honestly felt like they were good people. I came away respecting a few of them.

Even Joe's brother. He's sixteen and he's actually cuter than Joe. :p And it's hard to describe what stereo type he was. It's not like I can classify him as a complete asshole. He just made jokes and he was more outgoing than Joe. In other words, Joe is the nice guy who finishes last. And his brother isn't like that. Joe is Amelia and I'm more like his brother. Everybody thinks that I'm older than Amelia because I'm bolder and more confident. And it may seem like I'm "the bad kid" because I don't act with caution the way Joe and Amelia do.

But even though he crosses the line into the asshole region in a way that Joe is afraid to. Like, Brandon will say things that seem rude. Whereas, Joe just won't even say things he doesn't mean. He won't even joke like that. But Brandon is younger and hasn't had the opportunity to be the older brother, to be mature. Joe fits that overprotective brotherly role and his little brother fits the self-indulgent, bratty, daring child.

But even though he does that, and even though he doesn't express the over the top kindness the way Joe does, he still asked me if I was cold or asked me how I was doing.

He paid me $20 to let him and his girlfriend sit in the back seat of the van cause the seats are connected and they could cuddle. Which is why we wanted to sit back there and we called dibs on the way back, so he offered Joe $40 to let him sit back there. I had gone to find my clip, which Brandon had found for me but lied about having to make me walk all the way to the picnic tables to find it myself. And on the way back we passed eachother and he offered me $20, so I took it. Joe was really mad that I was so easily bought. But I didn't care. Me and him cuddled on the one seat all on our own.

The aunt who I didn't like at first who told Joe that she knew Joe's mom wasn't feeling well also told Joe that he shouldn't fight with his brother (cause everybody knew he was really mad at Brandon for paying me to give up the seat). She said that Joe should be the bigger man and it was also a cliche, in the sense that everybody knows that that's what you're supposed to do. But again, it struck me the sincerity of it. That she honestly believed that it was what you're supposed to do.

And maybe it's also the fact that these people were telling Joe this. Because Joe's the type of person who would actually follow through on this. He's not perfect, but he is very kind and respectful. So I didn't get the feeling that either of them were just making a show of this stuff. I felt like they all meant it.

I don't know if they're good people or not. But I was afraid that they were going to be ten times worse than they are. And even though I liked Mike's family. Even though they were nice. They didn't have this sincerity to them. They weren't abusive in the least bit. But they also weren't sincere. And again, my judgment probably reflects who I know the most in each family. Seeing Joe, and then seeing his family, I can understand how he turned out the way he did. Mike is also like his family. Nice on the outside but slightly mean-spirited on the inside. They weren't sincerely kind all the way to the core. It made me a little intimidated of them, because how things were going on the surface didn't reflect everything there was. And I couldn't feel secure around them because of it.

They weren't horrible people. But one could say that I couldn't really get to know them. Because every time I liked them I felt like it was too good to be true, and thus, wasn't true.

I didn't like being in Joe's house. But both of his parents told me that they really liked me and that I should come over more often. And his brother told me that I was the only one of Joe's girlfriends that he liked. His mom wants to play Skip-Bo with me again and his dad really likes my hair. :) And Joe thinks that us and his brother/girlfriend should double date. Though it's hard to find a day when it's not a school day and me and Joe aren't working.

I was actually really impressed with his brother. His dad is trying to quit smoking and when he lit a cigarette, Brandon completely yelled at him and made him put it out. I loved it. It was so supportive. In fact, as soon as Brandon left, Joe told his dad to hurry and smoke a cigarette before Brandon came back. I was really surprised at that. It seemed totally out of character. In fact, Brandon smokes and Joe doesn't. And Brandon is self-indulgent and Joe isn't. But I also think that Joe is cautious and doesn't have a strong stand for things he believes in. He's very nice and considerate, but his morals aren't very strong. I can see that in his behavior at work. He has no problem giving me free pizza.

Not that any of the other people have a problem with it and I don't have a problem with taking the free pizza or giving out free drinks either. So it doesn't really say much. But I feel like if I bend the rules and I'm talking about it to Joe, he strongly supports my bending of the rules. And I can tell that it's because he's trying to agree with me. Trying to go along with what I believe to support me, even if it's wrong. So he doesn't seem the type to shout out to his dad to stop smoking. Instead, he'll support his dad's wrong behavior so that he doesn't have to contradict him.

Though he did say that he hadn't even realized his dad was on the patch and trying to quit smoking in the first place. And Joe has already told me that he when he started smoking a few years back it was because of peer pressure, and that he also has had problems going along with people telling him what to do, instead of standing up for himself. So he's aware and better now than he was before about this problem.

So, Joe introduced me to his family as his gf. And I preferred it that way because we do make out and he sleeps over and to try to explain to his family that we're close in that sense, but not officially dating is complicated and unnecessary. So it's better to just call me his gf. But then his brother asked how long we were dating and I told him that we weren't technically dating but that Joe calls me his gf and I go along with it.

Though ironically, the girl that Brandon brought along and kissed and cuddled with like me and Joe do, wasn't his gf either. He asked her out today in the car and he said that he was surprised she said yes because she had told him that she had commitment problems.

When we were still at the family reunion, we sat down at the park - me and Joe. And I tried to put into words the situation I was in. I asked him to define "gf" and he said someone you spend time with and make out with and care about. Or something along those lines. Which are all things we do. Companionship. Support. Caring. Affection. Why am I saying no to being his gf when I'm doing all the things a gf already does? And accepting all the things a bf does from him?

But I told him that when I dated Mike, he was like my second skin. And our lives merged way too much. There wasn't a Mike-life and Melissa-life. There was a Mike&Melissa-life. We were M&M. He did it because I was the dominant one and he loved me. I didn't control him, and as soon as he wanted out, we broke up. But I out lives as one, I didn't recognize a distinct life for him. I went everywhere with him. Even in the shower. He hardly spent a day with his mom - who lived in a different town - without me, during those five months. He probably hung out with his friends without me like three times while we were dating and during one of them he called me up and tried to get me to come over cause he missed me.

I didn't force that on him. He wanted it too. But it was an unhealthy attitude that I didn't recognize I had. He did, near the end, even if he didn't consciously identify what it was. We were like a married couple. Because married couples do have a joint life. They have a house together, possessions together, a family together. And the point is that if you have that kind of relationship, one spouse can't do anything that won't affect the other's life. You have to make decisions together because they affect the both of them. And I tried to explain this to Mike, because this is simply how I saw us.

But I realize now that it was because I was having a relationship with my own wants and needs and fears. It was important to me because I was accepting myself through Mike. And that's why I needed to keep the equilibrium. I couldn't let him do whatever he wanted because it affected my homeostasis way too much. The problem was, I didn't know how to love myself without him, so I couldn't keep that homeostasis without working through him.

And I don't want that relationship again. But I've never had anything more. I never dated anyone longer than a couple weeks except Mike. And the guys I've been involved with since then have not been my boyfriend. So I basically did with them what I was doing with Joe - playing along with the motions of a relationship, without the commitment. Without the obligations and expectations.

Which is another thing I told Joe. That as soon as you call me a gf, it means I have to abide by what it means to be a gf. Before today, I had the freedom to do what I want. To flirt with who I wanted. To get involved with who I wanted. To say no to Joe, simply. Because I was not obligated to say yes. I didn't owe him anything.

Of course, because of my guilt, I felt that I did. And thus, didn't say no to him and didn't get involved with anyone else. A couple times people at work told me that Joe was off flirting with some girl just to see if I would get jealous, or just to try to make me mad, to tease me. And I said, I don't care. Cause I didn't want to date Joe and I'd be more than happy if he found someone else and took the pressure off me. But I told them that I wasn't allowed to flirt with a guy. And they were like, why? And I said, because it would hurt him and make him jealous.

And the people in Starbucks who call him My Man and call me His Woman, know that I told him no about dating so they're like, if you aren't his gf you can flirt with whoever you like. And I'm like, I know that I CAN, I just... can't. I can't do that to him. Not that it's been much of a problem, cause I haven't had the opportunity to like anyone else. really.

I like Matt but he doesn't feel that way about me and I can't aim for that. You know? I can't go in it wondering if I mean anything to him. I respect him immensely but he doesn't seem to respect me. Not that he dislikes me, but he doesn't outwardly like me. He doesn't want to plan my party, so he doesn't see any gain in hanging out with me as a friend. And he said that Katie and Martin were his two favorite people in the world. And it's because he sees them as very kind-hearted, innocent people. Which they both are. He always say MELINDA when I come into work. And he answered my texts, and facebook comments. But he doesn't really see anything in me that he particularly likes.

Which I think is silly. Because I think he would respect me a lot if he understood me. But perhaps he doesn't. Perhaps I am too mean. He's seen me fight with other people in Starbucks and he doesn't admire that. And he expresses so many things that I feel on the inside but don't emote, so I see it in him, but he probably doesn't recognize it in me. Most of the things I admire are things that I agree with or share in common with him.

I just realized my dad would love him. I've gotta have Joe meet my parents because they're moving to Washington DC on, like, Thursday. of this week. Two or three days from now. So if they don't meet him now, they probably never will. Not that I really see any gain to it. It just seems like I shouldn't pass up the opportunity. At least they'll know who I'm talking about when I talk about each one to the other.

I'm gonna miss my parents.

By the way, I petted six dogs today. Not kidding. I looooooooooooooove dogs. I petted six dogs today. But they were all small. So I'm not that happy about it. Weird how they were all small. Two of them at Joe's house. Two at the family reunion. And then two at his aunt's house. I don't like small dogs. I want some Saint Bernards and Weimeraners and Doberman Pinchers and Rottweilers. COME ON!

But it was still nice. All the dogs were interesting. Except the silent one at the reunion. He didn't have a lot of personality. I think he didn't have his vocal cords cause he didn't make a single sound the whole time. The other one barked when he wanted food. I walked over to him with an empty plate just to see if it was the smell of food or if he could see us eating food. And he barked because he thought I had food though it was completely empty.

Anyway, it's kind of funny that both of us girlfriends had the same situation. With the affection but no commitment. But I guess we both warmed up to the idea at the reunion. Though she thought it was really boring. Personally, I think she's really boring. :)

I don't know what I'm going to do with Joe. But I was going to do it anyway. You know? I already began the kissing and sleeping over and now I'd met his family. Too far gone to turn back now. He's too attached to me. It would be like breaking up with him anyway, I've already been leading him on way too much. Though I've never said "I love you too" when he says it to me. I can't lie. I don't feel the same way I've felt in the past.

And it sucks extremely. It's like jealousy. Jealousy is a counterproductive emotion. It stems from fear, and thus weakness. It's not something to be encouraged or admired. It doesn't make a healthy relationship. Right? So you would think that to not have jealousy makes a healthy relationship. But when you don't have jealousy, you have to wonder how much you really like the person you're with. It's like the desperation of not losing them, makes you aware that you want to keep them. So you know that they mean something to you.

How can you tell that they mean something to you if you're not desperate for them? Especially in comparison to people you were desperate for? I don't know what a healthy relationship feels like. Because a healthy relationship is absent of all of these unhealthy emotions like jealousy, fear, desperation, possessiveness, lust, need, domination etc etc etc. And all of these emotions, though unhealthy, have given us a standard for what Love feels like. We think that we're in love when we need someone, when we fear losing them, when we're jealous of the people who experience them. But these are not indicators of love. These are indicators of our inability to love ourselves and our desire to find someone else to complete us, to do the work for us, to give us a sense of worth. And that's why we're desperate to find "love".

So what does it mean to have a relationship where you don't have that desire? What does it feel like? I wonder if this is what it feels like with Joe. I can't tell if he's simply not stimulating these unhealthy emotions inside of me, or if those emotions aren't there anymore. I know they were there with James. But this work thing, dealing with my sense of worth and dealing with allowing people to love me, had changed things.

And I feel extremely at ease with Joe. We've honestly known each other for two weeks and I'm so at home with him. Maybe because he's so simple and accepts me so simply, I feel like we don't have spend a lot more time getting to know each other. It's like we don't connect intellectually. But it's so easy to have companionship with him anyway. And I try to think of why it's different than with other people. And I think I just felt guilty for being around other people. Guilty for asking people to like me. Guilty for being me when they didn't like it. Even with Amelia and Loren, not to mention all of my friends.

I couldn't ask them to let me be me. I felt like it was like asking them to loan me a thousand dollars. Just way too much to ask of them. But I do that automatically with Joe. Comfortably. Unabashedly, with no reserves.

When I think of a relationship, I think of this element of desire and adoration. You ADORE the one you love. You fawn over them and desire them and they make you happy to be alive. It's not like that with Joe, for me. It is a bit for him, though.

But there is still some pleasure in spending time with him, in being myself with him, in knowing I have his support and companionship. I love having him at work. He's a friendly face. I know that he's there to text me or talk to me whenever. He's always there to give me a hug. No one at work cares about me like that. And it makes me feel more at ease knowing he's there. Knowing that even if Timmy or Matt don't truly care for me, someone still does. So I can open up more to them, because I've got nothing to lose. I do have something to lose when they can remind me of my loneliness. It hurts to be rejected by them when it's like that. Now I don't have to be afraid that they'll do so. Because I have more than them.

Though I should be able to independently feel this way. But I have been seriously lacking companionship for years. I haven't had a true friend in a long time. I haven't felt like someone liked me in ages. And I needed to be able to feel that way. I can love myself, of course. And I can do that on my own. But I needed to experience the acceptance of others. I needed to know that I wasn't the only one who could possibly love me.

It's interesting though, because the relationships feed off of each other. Like, I get along better with Timmy because I have Joe. Even though Joe isn't around. And the day I made out with Joe, I had been flirting with Timmy all day. So I was warmed by the excitement of that, when I then took it out on Joe. And everybody thinks me and Joe are dating so people have an excuse to talk to me and ask me things. They've got some basis for conversation, in a way that you can't really have with someone you don't know, obviously. And prior to this it was mostly like - oh you hate Bryan, huh? Oh David hates you, huh?

Like everything we had to say about me involved some drama in Starbucks. But now when people talk about me it's a friendly teasing about my hickies from Joe or about the rose Joe gave me or etc. It's positive stuff. Instead of just plain bitching.

They are serious matchmakers at Starbucks though. Every time I mention a single person of the opposite sex someone is ready to hook me up with them. Every two seconds someone is accusing me of being in love with someone else. If I mention Justin they go, OOOOOOOH, you love Justin. They've done it with Iliya, Justin, Matt, Bryan, Joe, Rob and probably Timmy, as well. Possibly John, too.

With Bryan and Justin and John it was like no, No, NO. Absolutely not. But with Iliya, Matt and Rob they were kinda on to something. Rob works at Quiznos but he never worked with me, I always worked 2-10 and he always left right when I got there. But he seems really nice. He's the only one who doesn't seem to inexplicable resent me. People are so sensitive and defensive and needy there. It's intense. They're very defensive, personal and paranoid. And he just simply says hi to me every day with such ease and maturity. It's graceful and amazing. He just looks mature. I should hook up with him. :)

Ugh, I can't say things like that. I'm someone's gf now. Maaaaaan.
:(

2008-10-04T07:22:00.002-04:00

So, I realized I needed to release something. And it occurred to me that I needed to let Joe love me. And usually when things occur to me I ask myself if it's not true a second later. I go, Is it true? Is it not true? But this time before I could ask myself if it wasn't true, I got a strong impulse to stick with it. To not doubt it. To not hesitate to believe it.

So I thought that maybe it was that I needed to date him. That I wasn't dating him because I wasn't accepting his love. But I don't think that's it. I think that it makes me feel guilty and obligated when he loves me. Because I feel like I have to earn it. I feel like I have to give him something in return. I feel like IF anyone loved me, they would be doing me a favor, and thus, I would owe them something in return.

But I don't. I don't owe anybody anything. I have given back to Joe with compassion and companionship. But I can't give him a lie. And I don't have to give him the lie just because he wants it. If he doesn't want to give me his love unconditionally, so what? But I shouldn't feel obligated to make his love conditional. I should feel that I deserve unconditional love and anything less won't stand. I'm not going to beg someone for love by trading them conditions.

Everything he's done, I deserve. I shouldn't feel like I don't deserve it, therefore I have to make up for it by giving him something. He gave me a rose yesterday at work. I hated it because it immediately gave me a huge obligation. You can't just receive a rose and not give them something back. It's sad. And I'm like, is there so few guys who will do this that I have to reward the guy who will? But fuck roses. I don't really care about roses. I mean, they're one of my favorite flowers but that's because they're pretty and they smell good, not because they represent undying love. If I wanted a rose, I could buy some for myself. And Josh gave me roses and I didn't feel obligated to give him anything back.

Cause he's a moron.

Anyway, now I can breathe again. My nostril was stuffed up but now it's not. I shouldn't feel obligated to owe Joe anything.

Wow. Owe someone a bucket full of oats and OWE, I just stubbed my toe, are spelled the same. huh...

And if Joe doesn't like it, he'll have to get over it. Because that's not how it works. True love is above all honest. Not illusioned. I can't give him illusions. I have to give him truth. I don't deserve to compromise myself just because he wants me to. That, in exchange for conditional love is absolutely not worth it. I can love myself. I'm trying to, at least. And I don't need someone else to tell me that I'm worthy. In fact, I need to hear it from myself more than anything.

I wish I could just shut out the guilt. Shut out those impulses. Truly believe that I don't have any obligations to him. I feel like I have to ignore reality. But it's not real. It's false. And if he can't uphold God's standard of love, then I owe him nothing. To be fair, I automatically owe human beings compassion. I owe them kindness and respect. And I can give Joe unconditional love. I just can't force myself to want him conditionally. I can't force myself to desire his fulfillment of something I can fulfill all on my own.

God it's cold. I'm going back to my new queen size bed. I hope it's still warm from the last time I was there.

2008-09-30T21:19:00.002-04:00

To:
Hazel Mae Hazel Mae

myspace.com/nakedhazel

Date:
Sep 30, 2008 9:19 PM
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Subject:

RE: just a note

Body:
Aw. Thank you! That was very sweet and heartfelt. I'm glad you feel that way because it's hard to get to know siblings when they live far away. Even if we got to know each other a little bit when we were younger, we've both done so much growing since then that we really haven't had very many opportunities to get to know each other at present. So, I'm happy that you're still getting a sense of some of my expression. Of course, I'm still growing immensely every day, so I don't even know who I'll be in a couple of years.

I am starting a bit of a new life. Living on my own. Something that you and Amelia haven't even really experienced because when you moved out you were either with a boyfriend or a husband or kids, same with Amelia. And most of our brothers have also shared places with each other.

And even though I have a lot of emotional and intellectual maturity, I have always been afraid to go out in the world and interact with it, and with people. So paying bills and having financial independence and interacting with landlords and bosses and store clerks in a way that I've never been able to before brings out a side of my personality that I've not yet experienced.

I work at a travel plaza on the thruway. I first started in Quiznos but now I'm in Starbucks. And that's pretty new, having a full time job other than babysitting. This is my first. I don't particularly like having 40 hours of my week taken away from me, of course. Ever since I dropped out of high school I've had so much free time, but I think I abused the privilege and didn't do anything productive with it, so I feel better about using my time responsibly. And now that I've gotten to know the people at the plaza and I've made some friends, it's actually fun to be at work. I haven't gotten this type of interaction since high school, not even in college.

I'm not going to college this semester because I'm writing my book and I wanted to give myself a few months to settle into work and living on my own before I gave myself other pressing engagements. I have to work around my full-time work schedule for school in the spring. But then I'll be done with two-year college and I'll have to see where I'm heading next. I have no clue what I'll do. I guess I might just stay here and go to Albany University, since it's closer than all the rest.

So my landlord has a fairly big house and half of it is their family's house. They have like six kids. And then the other half of the house has an upstairs apartment and a ground level apartment. So I just have a cozy one bedroom apartment, the downstairs one, which I'm grateful for because it has beautiful big windows and it's much easier to move in furniture. It was a little bit ironic that before mom or dad had found a place and before Amelia had found an apartment, I found mine and moved in. I've been living here for five weeks. It was suprising, since I seemed to be the least likely to do it. In fact, mom and dad AND both Amelia and Loren were worried that I wouldn't be able to even pay for half of the rent while we were considering getting an apartment together. And now I'm doing fine all on my own.

Sometimes people think that because you haven't done something all along that it means you won't be able to do it. But their pessimism hasn't really stopped me. I didn't have a job... until I did. And I didn't pay rent.... until I did. And it's as simple as that.

Though mom has supported me immensely. And I feel bad because she hasn't been supporting Amelia as much. In a way, whenever she's supporting Amelia, it's more like she's supporting Isis. Like by babysitting Isis or buying Isis things. And Amelia probably doesn't feel like SHE gets enough help from mom, because she doesn't realize that mom feels she's doing enough already by helping Isis. Whereas I have no one but myself, so everything I receive is for me... and it seems like everything Amelia receives is for Isis.

But we all make our own lives, by our own choices. And I can't feel guilty for having a life that I enjoy, when Amelia gets stressed out in her own life, because she's the one who made good and bad decisions in the first place, and the one who will continue to do so. And if she wants something better, she's going to have to decide to get it.

She's just moved into an apartment in Catskill, but she isn't as settled as I am, for whatever reason. I have a one year lease but hers is monthly, so she has the option to leave if she finds something better. She also has two weeks free. Though hers is the very top apartment and that really sucks. Sooo many stairs.

I'll send you some pictures of my apartment in a few days. And thank you for remembering the pictures from when you were here, take your time. It must be hard moving all over the place.

Amelia and I did see the pictures of your bus. But we didn't really know what to say. Does his job really make you move so often that you can't have a permanent home? I'm not sure I could do it. But if it works for you, then it works for you. So Evan lives in Arizona?

Thanks for writing me, it was nice to hear from you. :) Love, Melissa.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Hazel Mae
Date: Sep 29, 2008 3:39 PM

The littlest baby in the family is all growed up and moved to climax! How does it feel? I see a bright future ahead of you, the little girl that i used to know has turned into a beautiful, highly intelligent person.

I'm just putting this out there, but out of all of us siblings, I see you as being the most successful.

Your not the kinda person that will let anybody stop you from getting what you want. You already know better and you don't need anybody to tell you what 'they would do, in your situation' cause there not in your situation...and you probably got the best brains in the family! Your more traveled and experience than most of us, and you survived childhood...honestly, i didn't think you had it in you. You always wanted to be right, it seemed like you were destined to rebel.

no really, how does it feel? sometimes I wish i could go back and have my whole life in front of me. Nobody told me back then, but these next few years really are the most important years of your life. I used to think that...maybe i didn't really know it all, even though when I was 17 it felt like I knew it all. now that i'm all grown and married with a family, I really do think I knew way more when I was 17 then I do now...kinda sad really.

I just stopped by your page, to see what the new apartment looked like, but there aren't any pictures. I got to looking at your quotes (i read them sometimes) and then your pictures . And it dawned on me. You really are something, ('something else' but I can't think of the right word) I noticed how your self-expression is beautiful, eloquent and confident. Maybe Eloquent is a good word to describe you with.

Merriam Webster says Eloquent is: 'Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French, from Latin eloquent-, eloquens, from present participle of eloqui to speak out, from e- + loqui to speak
Date: 14th century

1 : marked by forceful and fluent expression
2 : vividly or movingly expressive or revealing'

Anyway, enough about you. Let's talk about me. We just moved to Anthony, KS. The bus is coming along well. Did mom tell you we bought a 40' school bus that we're converting into an RV? Tucker and Cameron are having fun, I enrolled them in school and the company made us move to Kansas(last night.) So there not getting an education right now. Evan and I decided it would be a good time for them to move in with him. Next week their moving to live with there dad in Phoenix, AZ. I'm still taking classes online from the University of Utah, I'm a sophomore now and I've completed like 50 credit hours or something. I still have 70 to go for my bachelors. I haven't forgot about your cd of wedding/waterfall pics you asked me about a month ago. I don't know whether you can believe it or not but I have been moving constantly since then. So far this month (just September) we've 'lived' in Salt Lake City,UT Atoka,OK Ardmore,OK Muenster,TX and Anthony,KS.

I put some pics of the bus on my blog. So when you get time check them out. And let me see this new place of yours.

Love,
Your Favorite Sister

P.S. when your doing well (i.e. rich and famous) don't forget about your bestest big sister!!!!

2008-09-27T09:15:00.002-04:00

So, I had a dream about Matt. And this dream was completely out of context from work. And I liked him in the dream, though he didn't know yet.

That's all I have to say. Matt isn't working today, so I won't see him. Which is a shame, cause I love to see him. He's amazing. But let's stop right there.

I don't even know if he would make an amazing boyfriend. He seems almost a-sexual. Why am I attracted to guys like that? Well, okay, I'm not really attracted to guys like that. But James was also sorta a-sexual because of Liz. AAAAAAAAAAAand one of my keys is sticking, I wonder what's under there.

Ugh, so the 18 year old daughter next door is pregnant! ...

Hiho. I don't know why that's all I can think of to say. Not Hi, Ho. Like she's a slut. Not like that. Just the dwarf hiho expression.

In this context it's kind of like saying iyiyiye. Which Matt says all the time.

Ha.

I hate it when kids gets pregnant. Scares me. At least she just barely graduated from high school. Though she was going to CoGreene and that will make things harder. Man. Does that mean that there's going to be a screaming infant next door? I hope she gets married and moves out.

I wonder if I missed it when she told her parents. lol. Cause I can hear everything. There was a fight that one night, outside. But I thought it was with the other daughter.

Anyway. They have like seven kids. So, that kind of gives teens the wrong idea, you know? Cause technically you have to start pretty early to get 'em all. Ew, that's like 14 years of pregnancies. You get a little time off in between. But only a little. Gross....

Though I'm easing into the idea.. of being pregnant. Not now, naturally. Please, not now. But I think I'll enjoy the bonding with the future baby. And the sacrifice. They gotta get born some way.

BUT I HAVE TO GOOOOOOO. I have to leave for work in 20 minutes and I still haven't showered. Bah.

2008-09-24T00:01:00.002-04:00

*sigh*. What am I going to do with life?

I had to say goodbye to Iliya tomorrow. Although he says he's going to visit the travel plaza tomorrow and even though I don't work, I'm thinking of asking him what time he's going to visit so I can go at the same time. Joe would like that, if I visit him.

I should stop crying. I can't help it. I don't know why. It makes me sad that I'm never going to see him again. I hardly made an effort to befriend him. And I mostly blew him off, when he wrapped his arms around me and stuff. Which he didn't do that often. It isn't like he made an effort either. But he did ask me to go to Niagra Falls with him. I couldn't because of work and babysitting Isis though.

Ugh. Maybe it just makes me sad because the people at the plaza are like one big family. And I haven't had a good connection with someone in a long time. And Georgie and Iliya were like my favorites in the plaza, besides Matt. So the fact that they're the ones leaving just breaks up my family.

I hardly even talked to Iliya. I shouldn't be so sad. It's like I want him to be there. Just be there. Owe. It is seriously hurting my jaw to cry.

I have no idea why it hurts so much that he's leaving. I want to say that it doesn't even hurt this much to know that I won't see Kristen or Jon or Maegan or James that often. But that's the thing. Even if they're in Wyoming, I know that I'm still more likely to see them again. I'll never see Iliya again. And I'll never have the chance to hug him again.

Fuck. I don't want to be working at the plaza next summer. They do this work/travel program a lot. I hate making long distance friends. I hate that I'll never see Harry or Maria again. I don't mind not seeing Carlos and Serigo though.

And I'm left with Joe. Ugh. Joe is like the nice guy that girls don't want. I don't know what to say about him. I don't know what I want from a relationship. I honestly have no fucking clue. So I don't know how to explain why I don't want Joe.

I guess, something I was looking forward to was an adult relationship in the sense that I could have someone to sleep over with and.. that's about it. I wanted to shower with him too, but there's sulfur in my water and the smell is unromantic. I didn't really have any other qualifications. I didn't imagine myself cooking with him or shopping with him or visiting my parents with him or anything.

Just cuddling, sleeping and showering. And sex, of course. Aaand love, naturally.

But cuddling with Joe does nothing for me. I don't think he turns me on, not like anybody else in the world does either. Though I usually think they do until I have sex with them. He can't sleep over that often because he has school and even if he could, I'd have to drive him in the morning cause he doesn't have his license.

I don't know about sex. He's a virgin. So is Matt, ironically. I will probably never in my life enjoy sex. I think I'm sick of masturbating too. Don't exactly picture myself showering with him in my shower, though my boyfriend probably wouldn't care. The shower just used to be such a comfortable place for me. My favorite place, actually. And now I don't like it at all. But I probably wouldn't shower with Joe unless we were having sex.

I don't know that I could love him. I can care about him. But he's more simple and sweet. And I can't say what I like, but I think I picture it a little more intense and complex.

Again. I. Have. No. Clue. What. I. Want.

I don't know what would make me happy or satisfy me. But that's what I'm looking for. You know? Someone who, when I look at them, it makes me happy. Because that's what makes it worth it. That pleasure that comes from being around them.

I don't dislike Joe at all, and I think he's really nice and agreeable. But he doesn't stimulate anything. No emotion or pleasure. It's so comfortable that I feel like I've known him for a very long time. We've already gotten into a rhythm that seems natural. But do I want that?

What do I want?

I thought I wanted Matt. He is honestly an amazing person. If I could pick one person to be, I would be Matt. He has so much cheery personality. Always happy and random and interesting. One of a kind. I can't even begin to describe him or describe the value I put on it. It's just something I respect. A warmth and happiness that I think all people should have. And he's genuine too.

Ron asked me if I liked Matt. I asked if it seemed like it and I don't remember his exact words but it was something about the way I talked to Matt, like I opened up to him more. But everybody does, because that's just Matt's personality. Though I know what he means, I have the most real smile I've ever had on my face when I talk to Matt.

I find it extremely hard to express emotion. I'm so sick of it. I regret it so much because I didn't show ANY emotion to Iliya and I hate myself for it. But I show all the emotion I have with Matt, and I'm completely comfortable and alive when I'm around him. Cause he's alive. Not a stick in the mud like so much of humanity.

I told Ron "maybe". Cause Matt came back before I had a chance to answer Ron. So I said "not definitely yes, but maybe." Even though it's closer to a yes. I just wanted Ron to know that I don't act that way because I'm secretly thinking in my head how much I love Matt. I respect Matt as a person, more than I want him for myself.

It made me happy, at first, that Joe liked me so much. He just accepted me so completely. I don't feel ashamed or afraid at all around him. Like I know that I can be who I am and he'll be receptive, instead of hate me or try to shut me down. And the security was making me happy. But then something happened to tip the scale to the negative side. And now I can see very little pluses to date him. Though I already told him no. But he still likes me. And I think he hopes I'll change my mind. And that puts pressure on me.

Maybe that's the reason. I like being myself. I like trying to make people like me. But now, if I act the way I did in the first place, I'll only be leading him on or making him like me more. And then he'll put more pressure on me to go out with him. So it's like, I'm almost being punished for being pleasant and likable. It's like the difference between being yourself and flirting.

Like with Matt, I was not flirting. I was being myself. And I like to be open and funny and cheery and happy. That's being myself. But I was not flirting. So it makes me want to express myself more when people are already focused, intensely, on me. Especially when it's for a reason unknown to me. Like they intensely like me when they don't know me at all. And then I'm like, wtf? And it just makes my personality retreat all the more. And I'm so fantastic at not showing emotion in the first place. So it all comes together.

I'm not specifically talking about Joe. I'm not annoyed with him or anything. I just want to have freedom. I want to have the freedom to flirt and have excitement and pleasure with other people, as well as to express myself around him without leading him on.

I wish that Joe would show a little more personality. So that it was less about how he personally felt about me and more about the dynamics. I don't want to be reminded all the time that he likes me while I'm sitting there thinking, what's there to like about him? And I know that sounds mean. But I just mean I enjoy the dynamics of expressing myself with another person. That's why I enjoy Matt so much, because he has so much to add to the dynamics. He just NEVER runs out. And Joe is always on empty, by default.

And I don't like to express myself just so people can build up an intense adoration for me. I enjoy having people like me and being able to express myself so that we can enjoy each other, make a good experience. Not just to be adored. It annoys me to just plainly be adored. And that is exactly Joe's personality.

:( I don't know what to do about it. And I can't begin to like Matt with Joe around. I told Matt to throw me a housewarming party this weekend. I told him he could invite Joe. And then I told Joe that I had told Matt to do the party and that he could invite Joe. I almost don't want Joe to be there. Cause I feel restrained around him. He would probably not enjoy my "flirting" with Matt. Or Timmy. And I just want to have something fun and enjoyable.

Damn. When did I go from not wanting a boyfriend to just wanting friends? I thought it was always that I didn't want friends and I wanted a boyfriend...

I guess I am ready to let people like me. Instead of just ONE person.

I don't know. I was going to kiss Joe. Like I wanted to a couple days ago. But then I spent all day with Matt yesterday and it was amazingggggggggg. And I don't want to make out with Joe cause that will only lead him on more. I wanted to kiss Iliya goodbye as well but Joe was there. Joe probably would have kissed me today, but I didn't really send out the right signals. All that affection and stuff that I crave constantly I now have with Joe and it just does nothing for me. That's why I can't even hypocritically claim that I want it with Matt, now. Cause maybe it's the same as sex.. something I want to want, but don't want to actually have.

I just don't know anymore. I'm so confused.

2008-09-21T23:06:00.002-04:00

Ugh. I'm going to miss Iliya. He leaves in two days. :(:( He always hugs me from behind and his head is right by my neck and my face. It's intimate. And he gives reeeeeally good shoulder massages. It makes my body tingle all over. It feels really good. Much better than James's massages. Puh. :(:(

Ugh. I'm left with Joe. Who I like. But who is lacking. He doesn't have aaaaanything to say. Not that I can guarantee that Iliya would if we hung out outside of work. But that makes Joe less interesting. Which makes him boring. Which is not appealing. And the sexiness of Iliya is on my mind. Which makes Joe less appealing.

I told Joe I wouldn't go out with him. It's too hard with him being a high school student. He's tied down to that life, and I don't want to be tied down to it as well. And if he was my boyfriend, it would matter. It won't while he isn't my boyfriend but I would care if he was my boyfriend. I like that he's my friend immediately. That he hangs out with me at work and hugs me and visits me and texts me.

But there needs to be some sexiness, some intrigue, something interesting to spark my emotions. Cause right now I mostly just find him really sweet, but a bit plain or dull.

I think Iliya appeals to me cause he's going soon. If he was staying, I'd be anxious about the idea of hugging him. I would feel anxious about the idea of hanging out with him outside of work and finding things to talk about and do. I would feel anxious about the idea of being intimate with him. Right now it's sexy and sweet but it wouldn't be if he was staying.

God. I am really tired of this.

2008-09-19T00:05:00.003-04:00

So, I had a shitty day. But I don't care. It's so easy to be happy. Like, I had every right to be miserable and self-pitying. But I'm not. Like the circumstances were shitty but I was immune.

So this was expected. It needed to happen and I kind of asked for it in my journal entry when I talked about how people have a problem with me and I need to communicate with them more.

Long story short. Everybody hates me. I don't who, specifically. But that's how Ashley made it sound. Everybody thinks I have an attitude. Which is a fucking laugh in Starbucks. It's kettle calling the pot black or whatever that damn saying is. Pot calling the kettle black, I think.

So there's this like 40 year old woman who handles the cash. She's not a manager, but she doesn't work in any of the stores, she just counts the money and gives people registers and deals with the money in all ways, shapes and forms. So she hates me and thinks I have an attitude, even though we've probably said about 20 words to each other. And that's how Ashley and I got on the conversation, cause I asked why Joya hated me. Joya, fucking ironic name.

So when I went to get change, she was still being a cold bitch, really rude. And I said, I've never done anything to you, why are you treating me like this? And she said that yesterday I had given her attitude when she told me to mark my twenties with a counterfeit pen. Which we do, and I always do. It's a habit, I've never not done it, because I immediately got into the habit. I always feel like I'm missing something when I forget to do it. I forget to get people the pastries or the coffees more than I forget to do the twenties. And I marked one on the opposite side of what we usually do, and I think that Joya thought that I hadn't marked it, because of that.

But it's a moot point cause I didn't give her attitude. I was slightly defensive, perhaps. But only slightly. The idea that because I told her that I Was, actually, marking the twenties when she accused me of not doing so, means that I don't deserve respect anymore is so ridiculously immature. But of course it's more than that. Her daughter works at the pizza place. She went to my high school, though I never talked to her. She wasn't in my grade and we didn't have any of the same friends. But apparently I gave her attitude so Joya has been hearing people from Starbucks bitch about me, plus her daughter. Plus my defensiveness. And suddenly I'm a bad person. Though I heard that she's pretty much just a bitch and doesn't really like anybody. She has never been friendly with me, from the start. Before she even knew me. She has never given me the benefit of the doubt. Never shown me any kindness or respect or politeness.

In any case, it just tipped me over. And I just started crying and I couldn't stop. And I couldn't just go to the bathroom cause that would just make them bitch, so I had to stick around, but I couldn't stop crying.

And a couple times I kind of liked it, because Bryan asked me to get a manager and then he saw me crying and he cut off an said sorry and went to ask somebody else. And Justin asked me to go back on register and I just turned to look at him with my swollen red eyes and said I couldn't.

Like, people tell me to do things and I pretty much only do it if I think it's a good idea. Which is what they hate, because they want me to do things their way, all the time. But this time, I felt like I had a reason they couldn't deny. I finally had the freedom to say no. You know? Every time I say no it becomes this federal case, and I'm prosecuted just because I want to make my own decisions. I'm not a fucking slave. I have to feel guilty every time I have an independent thought.

But I wasn't just crying to get attention. None of my friends have even seen me cry. Nobody but my family has seen me cry in such a long time. And now like everybody at work has seen me cry. Stefano came by. He's like the top manager. One of the most important people who work there. And he asked me what was wrong and I explained it a little bit. Though I didn't explain it very well and it probably sounded kind of dumb. lol.

Cause, it sounded like they were just being mean to me and it made me cry. But that's not really the situation. The situation is that they find me to have an attitude and to be a bad worker because I don't do things their way. And I'm afraid that because they keep telling other people about me, that everybody is going to have this "burn the witch" complex, where suddenly it gains momentum and none of them really has a reason to hate me, they've just got group momentum and they're trying to persecute me.

Like so many people who complain about me have never even talked to me. Like Justin told Rick that I didn't follow orders when he had never even given me an order. He hadn't even introduced himself and I'd tried to engage in conversation with him numerous times and he barely said a word. He never taught me how to do anything or told me what he needed. And suddenly I'm not listening to him? It's ridiculous how many people complain about imaginary situations.

Like, for instance, when I first moved here, this one girl, Danielle, said that she smiled at me in the hall and I glared at her. So she didn't like me anymore cause I glared her. I had absolutely no recollection of even seeing her or making eye contact with her at all. I never did that. But suddenly I'm a mean person because I glared at her. Jeezus.

And that's what it's like. If you don't act the way people want you to act. If you don't give them the specific attention they want, they take it extremely personally and suddenly you're a bad guy. And it's part snobbishness and part insecurity. Like Joya thinks that she's better than me because she already thought she was better than me but now she has "an excuse" to tell me why she's better than me.

And some people just are intimidated by my silence, and they interpret it with their paranoia and suddenly I have a bad attitude. one of the old ladies who works with us said that when she was young she was quiet like me and people thought she was a snob. Which she found ridiculous. And likewise, I've had people tell me that, that I'm a snob. But it's so much more than that. People just simply don't know how to read the context of silence. They don't know how to handle it. It makes them uncomfortable. And the fact that I don't say much and I don't express very much emotion intimidates them and causes them to overreact and blow things out of proportion.

God, there's so much to say about this entire situation though. I just couldn't stop crying. To me, I don't cry in that girly self-pitying way. So I don't cry a lot. I mostly cry because of world issues. Like a lot of little things set me off and it's uncontrollable waves of emotion. But I asked my mom why that was and it's kind of a world karma deal. Otherwise, I only cry when I'm releasing something. It's an outlet for emotion that I don't want anymore. Because when you're holding onto it, even if you're suppressing it, it's like you're tense and your muscles are strained. You just need to relax, to let it go, to breathe again. And I don't feel this strain cause I'm suppressing it, but when I cry I realize how much I was suppressing it. And I just let it all go. I don't just bring it to the surface to feel it and have self-pity or anger or blame. I just bring it to the surface and let it go. So when I cry, I can't stop until I've released it all.

And it usually happens when I'm writing a journal entry and I can process what I need to learn and resolve issues and release the emotion because I don't need it anymore. But I was at work and I couldn't do that and I was trying to hold in the crying so I could go back to work. I went on register and started crying in the middle of dealing with a customer. I could barely spit out "have a nice day". It was so pathetic. And when I wasn't crying, my eye were all bloodshot and watery and they probably either felt sorry for me or thought I was really, really high. They were probably wondering why the fuck I was on register if I was so clearly upset. I felt like people were gonna believe that I had just found out my grandmother died or something.

So, Yolanda supported me. Everybody calls her Grams and she was like, I'm Grams, tell me what's wrong. And she looked me straight in the eye and told me that I needed to tell her what was wrong. And the funny thing is, every time I stopped crying, she'd just look at me and I'd start again. Cause I don't know... what was it that was making me cry?

I think I was just releasing my own self-loathing. I think that when everybody talked bad about me I accepted it. I felt like I deserved it, so I accepted it. I knew that I didn't deserve it, but I felt like I did. And that's why I just kept the hurt - suppressed but there. And when I cried it was like I was saying, you know what? This does hurt. It hurts to have people do this to me. It hurts to have people punish me for something I don't deserve. It hurts to have people gang up on me. It hurts to have people blame me for unnecessary reasons. And I don't deserve it. And the fact that I was expressing this to everybody by letting them see me cry. You know what I mean? Acting like it didn't hurt was like saying - hey, this is life, I just have to suck it up.

But this was saying, I can't handle this, I don't want to handle this, and I don't deserve it. And mostly just the old ladies, cause they're really sweet. But they all told me that I was really sweet and nice. And they're right. it's the same issue as with when my mom judged me by my worst. You can't accurately know someone by the worst of what you've seen. And people have categorized me as my worst. They've taken it out of context and out of proportion and labeled me as my worst. Conveniently ignoring all the pleasantness, all the politeness, all the agreeableness. All the times that I was smiley and happy and conversational and friendly and a hardworker. You say yes to them three times but they only focus on the one time you said no. You do ten things around the store but they only focus on what you didn't do.

And I felt afraid that there were too many people who didn't like me. And I felt like they'd win. That their version of who I am would triumph, and everybody would believe it and I'd be persecuted for it. Just like witch trials. But there are a lot of people who do like me and who don't see me as a problem. It's the ones who want to start shit and want to have power and want to have control who tell on the managers and bitch about me behind my back. Not the ones who think I'm nice. They're not going to go around telling everybody how nice I am. So I've now realized that I have support. I have enemies, but I have support. Which only made me cry more.

But then the one woman who makes sandwiches and stuff in the kitchen for Starbucks, we don't see her a lot though. She told me that I couldn't let them see my weakness cause they'd pounce. And I thought it was funny because she was saying it because I was crying and I've probably not cried in front of someone besides my family since I was like 11. So, I definitely don't show them my weakness. And the other woman said that I was a sensitive person. And I wanted to disagree.

But you know what? This is the problem. I want people to think me tougher than I am. Because I feel I need to in order to defend myself. I feel that I need to give attitude because if I don't, people will just abuse me. Though they do anyway and my attitude only makes it worse. I don't want to intimidate them, per se. I just want to fight for my right. And part of me was really mad that everybody was seeing me cry because even though I knew it was benefiting me, a part of me was like nooooooo act tough, don't let them see that this kills you. I don't want the old ladies in the back to think that I'm sensitive and weepy. I'm a fighter!

But that's because I suppress my emotions and put up the defense. And that's not really strength.

And she said, you've got to get in their face and say, HEY BACK OFF. Though she didn't realize that, that was essentially the problem, is that I was telling people to back off when they're supervisors and have the right to make me do whatever they want me to do, apparently. So that won't work. But then she said, forget all the managers and supervisors and just go straight to Stefano and Bill if you have a problem. Or if there's something going on at work, don't just argue with them, tell them that the both of you need to go to the managers and resolve it. Right then and there.

And that's when I realized, all this time I felt like I was protecting myself and standing up for myself but I was really only doing the weakest part of it. I was really only being defensive and giving them attitude. I mean, I had resistance. But I never communicated with a single person my side of the story. And that's the thing, all these people are telling the managers this bullshit and the managers aren't going to hear anything else. Not the nice stuff and not my defense. Like Ashley got mad at me because there was a long line and I wouldn't go on the second register and help her out. And she said today, do you see what I'm saying, that when there's a long line I need your help.

She was mad at me because I wouldn't go on register. Like she assumed that I was just slacking off and I didn't want to do it because it wasn't fun or something along those lines. I am more than willing to work and to work hard and to give the customers what they need. What she overlooked was the fact that we didn't have what the customers needed because nobody was doing prep. We ran out of whipped cream, mocha light, coffee, pastries, cream. And there was nobody to fix it. But me. So I did. And every time I would go back to make something or to get something done they'd start bitching at me and tell me to go back on register.

So I told Ashley that it really pisses me off when I'm on register ordering things, working with customers and then I have to give my orders to Timmy and he can't even fill them because we don't have the stuff and he won't make them. I ordered a caramel light frappachino and he started giving them regular frappachino mix because we didn't have any light. They do that. They give people decaf if we don't have regular. And when it comes to those things that people can't really tell, it's deceiving and rude to do so. It's one thing to just simply say that we don't have it. It's another to claim that we do and then give them something else.

It's important to people to not get caffeine when they don't want it and to get it when they need it. It's important to people to get nonfat milk and sugar free syrup when they need it. And it pisses me off when I'm responsible for giving the customers what they need. They talk to me and I take their money and I feel bad when people don't deceive my customers. And I told Ashley that I can't go on register and take orders for things that we don't have. I have to go do prep. I have to get things settled.

I told Pam today that I got there the other day and my first four orders were coffee. It was like straight coffee, four orders in a row. It ended up being like four mediums and three smalls. And we had NO COFFEE. Both of the blends we use needed to be brewed and that's just silly. We're Starbucks. We should have coffee. It would be absolutely ridiculous to have Katie go on the second register at that point and just keep taking orders. Right? No, she had to brew some coffee. I stayed on register and took more orders, but someone got off register to do prep, to get things done. And that's exactly what happened later on that day. I got off register, left Ashley to take orders and did things that we needed to do, but that nobody could do.

Ashley thinks I'm just betraying her and abandoning her on register and she resents me for it. But she doesn't understand that I had a fucking good reason. I'm not going to take orders for things and give them to Timmy so he can give them what they didn't order behind their back. Seriously, I refuse to do it. And I can't just go - Okay, so you wanted a mocha light? Well I'm going to tell Timmy to do it but he won't because he's a dishonest worker, but go down to the yellow lights and he'll give you the wrong drink ON PURPOSE when he's done. It's SO unprofessional. But then they go and tell Donna and suddenly I'm the bad guy because I'm trying to do things RIGHT and they've worked their longer so everything I propose is stupid and everything they propose is right.

But I needed to say these things. People would disagree with me and I didn't even argue. And that's the funny thing. I dealt with Amelia, who I constantly, constantly bickered with. Always trying to defend myself, always explaining my side of the situation. So much that people were bleeding out of their ears, they were so bored with my defenses.

And then I go here and I think I've got it by just keeping my mouth shut. But now I'm SUPPOSED to talk. But that's the thing about life. We take extremes in our approaches. We think, oh, I'm doing things wrong now, so I must have to do the oppposite to make it right. But life isn't about opposites. It's not about extremes. Life is about the middle way, the fine line between having a balance of two extremes and carrying one of them too far.

I think that I had to understand that it was a moot point with Amelia. That I didn't need her validation. If she didn't want to drive with me, she didn't have to. If she didn't like my driving, she didn't have to. And I wanted to make her like my driving and I tried to. But there was nothing I could say or do to prove that I was driving well. She just wasn't going to accept reality. So I needed to stop trying to make it any other way.

But with work, I don't have the same freedom as with my personal life. There are restrictions and guidelines. And people feel that they're justified in getting things their way when they can make it sound like you're not doing things within the guidelines - the rules. So they use this in terms of power. So I can't just blow them off. With Amelia, it didn't make a difference if she didn't think that I was a good driver. So it wasn't worth trying to change. But it makes a difference if all my coworkers think that I'm a horrible worker.

But, it's not about arguing with them. It's about, as one of the old ladies mentioned, going straight to the source - Stefano and Bill. When I have a problem, I can't ignore it, nor can I argue with my coworkers, I have to get a third person in there right away to observe the situation and work it out. I asked Pam today what I should have done in the situation the other day with Ashley on register and she said that I should have gotten a manager to come to prep. Cause the manager can't do the register, they're not allowed, but they can help out making coffee and doing prep. So if we need help, we can ask. And that honestly didn't occur to me. I never thought to get a manager. I usually just think that we've only got who we have working in our concept and that's it. But we do sometimes have outside help. Sometimes, cause not all the managers know how to do Starbucks things. They were probably all trained in Starbucks at one point or another but they become rusty if they don't use it often.

In any case, I need communicate issues from a higher superiority. Poeple go and complain about my attitude, but not about the situations. You know what I mean? Like for me, it's not a personal issue. I don't care about the people. I care about what's right in a situation. And even if it's petty as hell. Like when I asked a customer for an American penny because they gave me a Canadian one. Pam told me straight from her mouth that I could ask the customer to give me an American one. Yeah, it's not a big deal for them to give me one. But at the same time, if everybody did it, wow, helloooo we're in America. And actually, we get a lot of Canadian coins. Cause they're the same size and the same color. And we often don't notice when we see it. But we're not in Canada, and it seems perfectly logical to give American money in America.

And it's a petty issue for David and I to fight, but I should have just walked right out of there and said, want me to go ask a manager if I'm in the wrong for asking them for an American penny? Which, I already have gotten it from Pam, a manager, that I'm not in the wrong. But David wasn't around to here it.

But it's like, I was too coward to really stand up for myself. I didn't want to talk to managers. Probably because I didn't feel that I had the right to go to a manager and express my side of the story. I didn't feel that I had a right to receive their time and attention for my issues in Starbucks. I didn't feel that I was worthy or important enough. Not cause they're busy or snobs or anything, it was just my own personal feelings that made me hold back from doing so.

Pam didn't see me cry, she pretty much came in right after I got done. I thought Stefano would tell her, because if there was a problem he would probably tell her, since she's the personal manager for Starbucks and knows the people. But I'm not sure Stefano is even going to do anything. He asked if there was anybody in particular and I couldn't really give him any names. I should have specifically given him names, but I don't even fucking know who hates me this time. You know? Who hates me this week? I can't keep track. They're way too bipolar and backstabbing for me to keep up with.

In any case, it was so easy to just ask Pam about the situation. And I wanted to the day that it happened and the next day. I even asked when she would next be in. But she had a mini vacation so I couldn't do it. And then I told myself that it was over and done with and I could just forget it happened as soon as she came back. I need to stop telling myself that I don't deserve to resolve issues. Other people hold grudges, so it's not actually over and done with. And if they're still bitching about it days later, I need to be able to express my side of the story and bring about a resolution.

It's like we're siblings and we can bicker back and forth about who's right and who's wrong, but as soon as we go to a parent and ask them, their word is final. You can't bicker about it any longer. It's like God himself has passed judgment. And it's the same with the managers. Two coworkers can fight back and forth about who's right and who's wrong but whatever the managers say, the managers say. And I have no problem following the rules. It's usually not even about rules when we bicker. It's about preference. I mean that deal with needing to do prep, Pam offered a solution that suited both of us. They would have gotten me back on register, and I would have been assured that there was someone to do prep and I wouldn't need to worry about it. I had no problem being on register, it's just that we needed prep. You know? And we need a manager to mediate and say, hey, this is how things need to be. There's no sense in bickering about it back and forth because this is just how things need to be, up front and straightforward.

There's no gray areas, no need to debate. Cause AS IF any of the people there really care about the rules. I mean the day that David was being really condescending, he was breaking a HUGE rule by using Justin's register. And the day that Timmy was acting like he cared if people had to wait in line, he was giving people regular when they ordered sugarfree and nonfat. As if he cares about the customers. I would have at least told them that we were out and they could order something else. But he didn't care. They really only care about themselves. And they care if I do things their way because they care about themselves. Not the rules. Except Bryan, cause he's straight edge like that and he gets really mad and jealous when people break rules. He's one of those people who can't break rules himself. For whatever personal reason he's afraid to. And so he doesn't want anybody else to be able to do it either.

In any case, I care about the customers more often than not. And they care about themselves more often than not. And Bryan, cares about pointless rules that are neither preference nor really about the customers. He nitpicks about rules.

So I learned that I needed to stop acting like I was being strong and productive - and needed to start actually using real strength and power to make the situation right. Instead of just hardly protecting myself for the moment, but really not only holding onto the pain and destructive emotions but also giving the situation more negative momentum and thus keeping it going and asking for more of the same situations.

So, Joe asked me to come to his football game. And I said yes, even though I knew perfectly well that I would be miserable. Bored, lonely, cold. But I did it for him. So I went to the high school for the town next to ours. Their colors are green and yellow. So there was green everywhere. There were little kids dying their hair green and everybody was wearing green jerseys and the cheerleaders didn't even have yellow on their outfits. Just green and white. Though they were stupid. :p

One of the girls who works at Starbucks was there so I saw her about an hour into the game or maybe less than that and she said I could hang out with her, so I tagged along. I don't like her. She's got issues. Like I don't personally mind her. But um, psychologically, I disagree with the way she handles things and I think her morals are very low. She's kind of sleazy. Not dirtbag sleazy. Just an unmoralistic character. Like you know she doesn't care about doing what's right in the least bit. She just doesn't get it. It's not just selfishness, she simply doesn't believe in it.

At least, from what I see. But a lot of it is the way she expresses the fact that she doesn't love herself. Not on purpose. It's in her behavior, but she probably doesn't notice what she's doing. I can see how it all stems from that issue though. Although I don't know how far back it goes. In any case, I let her talk on and on and just sit there quietly. It works. But she ignored me for most of the time. And that worked too.

Joe didn't even play until the last couple of minutes. I don't know why he wanted me to come watch him stand around. Really. And God, the game is only 45 minutes long but it lasts three hours. It's ridiculous.

I was sitting there alone at first and this little kid climbs over the railing and kicks me in the face. No joke. I could imagine a foot mark on my temple. And then later on, one of Brittany's friend's hit me. Like he was doing something and his arm swung back and smacked me in the face. I just laughed. Neither of them particularly hurt. I wasn't even annoyed. I knew I was going to be bored, cold, lonely AND I had just had a horrible day at work and I'd been kicked and hit in the face - all so I can watch Joe stand on the side lines! And I wasn't even mad or annoyed.

Except near the end cause I couldn't leave early, cause I had to say hi to Joe afterwards. I really should have come in the middle of the game. or come early and talked to him then - though I couldn't cause I didn't get out of work in time to come early. I got there like ten minutes after it started. He probably would have been getting into his uniform and warming up anyway. But yeah, I was a little annoyed cause I was freezing and I felt like it would never end. One of the other team players got hurt and so he was laying on the grass for 15 minutes while an ambulance got here. And then it was like another ten minutes before they put him in the ambulance. And I was just like UGH. I can't afford to freeze my fingers off for 20 extra minutes.

So Joe walked me to my car. And that was it. He did call me when I got home and I explained to him my work story and he was very supportive and sympathetic.

But wow. I can't believe how content I feel when I had such a ridiculous day. I mean, it makes sense because I released a lot of tension and stress. But most people wouldn't have done that. They would have used to the situation to make themselves a victim, and held onto it longer than it needed to be held onto.

In any case, learning to love yourself always makes life worth it. It doesn't matter what you do, if you don't love yourself, you won't be happy. And it doesn't matter what you do that sucks, if you love yourself, you'll be happy. People focus way too much on making their outer circumstances suit their needs. But the outer circumstances aren't the root of the problem, thus, they can't be the solution to the problem. They're only stimulants one way or another.

I didn't get a chance to tell Joe that I'm going to date him.

But I want to wait until Iliya leaves. He leaves in a week. I feel so responsible for the fact that he likes me. I'm such a loyal person. I don't connect with people easily, I don't have a lot of friends. But when I do, I'm very concerned and loyal.

And just the way Iliya looks at me makes me feel responsible for the way he feels about me. I probably would like him back if he was staying here. But the second I heard that he was going back in a month I turned off my feelings. I'm too goal oriented and I know that Iliya can't give me what I want. Which is probably unhealthy and mean but another issue for another time, eh?

Anyway, he kind of puts his arm around me when I come talk to him. But not a friendly arm around the shoulder, he like rubs my back or - I don't know. It's the way he does it. He reminds me of Serigo from Colombia. He just adored me so much. And I really didn't like it. But I don't mind with Iliya. He rubs my shoulders and today he wrapped his arms around me from behind and.. hmm. what was he doing? I dunno. He was playfully teasing me at first, but I think he took the opening to be intimate.

I don't know, I can't put it into words what he was doing. I just can tell. A woman knows. Jut the way he puts his head against mine. And I won't tell him that I'm about to date Joe. I don't want to tell him that he's not allowed to express that he likes me, even though he's never even said it. That's what makes it heartbreaking. It's just the expression in his eyes, and how can I tell him to stop doing that? And I can't have him wrapping his arms around me randomly when I'm dating Joe either. Plus, Joe works with Georgie and Georgie is Bulgarian like Iliya so he might tell Georgie and Georgie might tell Iliya and especially after today. Cause I don't flirt back, just because I'm weird - not just because I want to date Joe. But just because I'm weird, I don't flirt back. So I think Iliya was a little hurt that I kind of just walked abruptly away earlier that day, or later, I can't remember.

So if he found out, he'd probably think that I was dating Joe at that time and that's why I was acting unresponsive, because I didn't want him to hug me. But if he wasn't going back to Bulgaria, I would have wanted him to hug me. It's nice. And I like his massages, they feel good. I like him. I don't want to express it because I'm goal oriented. Though that's selfish of me. I should always take the opportunity to connect with people, no matter how short it lasts. That's what customer service is all about. They come for a few minutes, they leave. You never see them again. But you make it count anyway.

Iliya just isn't as bold as Joe. Joe was just like bam bam bam. I came over to talk to him a few times, and that was my effort. But he asked me for my number, called me, then called me again even though I didn't call back. Then he asked if I wanted to hang out with him on Tuesday, cause we both have the day off. And then he asked me out. He didn't hesitate at all. It was really brave. I'm so used to me and James pussy footing around for like three years. (Even though that was because he never liked me) But, I'm still used to us avoiding making out and shit, even though we said we were going to so many times. So the fact that Joe is just making everything happen within days is like Wow.

So he told me again that he liked me. And I didn't say anything back. Cause, remember, I'm weird. I just feel awkward and can't think of anything to express. So I just stay quiet. So then it occurred to me after we got off the phone, that I should tell him I like him. He deserves that for giving me admiration and respect. See? Loyal. So I sent him a text. But he said he already figured I liked him.

I hate that. :p He does not know how much I had to convince myself to go for it with him. But whatever, I'll let him think what he wants. I don't know how much I'm going to like him anyway. Like at this point I enjoy being friends with him more than anything. And I would probably just let that continue for ages. Though I'd probably get lustful and start desiring him. It would kind of be how I treated the situation with James. Just leave it simple but sexual. My favorite.

Even though, realistically, sexual isn't my favorite. Since I don't enjoy sex. But I definitely enjoy desiring sex. :)

Anyway. I kind of don't like that he's in high school. He doesn't have his drivers license. I want someone with independence. I want a boyfriend who can come sleep over at my apartment. He can't do that when he has school. At least not while he doesn't have a license and a car. Though even then his parents probably wouldn't let him. It was weird being at his high school. It's weird when you experience a high school environment that isn't yours. Cause it's kind of exciting, but you know you don't belong. So you can be nostalgic, but you really can't participate cause you don't know any of the people.

Coxsackie was sooo boring. I've been over this. But I was meant to go to that school, not any of the bigger exciting ones like I had in Utah. So whatever, I should stop complaining.

Ugh, I wasted four hours today at the game and then another hour talking to Joe and now three hours writing this entry. I didn't get to write or read or watch TV today at all. Now I have to go to bed so I can wake up at 9. Fuck.

:(

My right nostril is plugged up. And my left scalp itches. In the same exact spot. Intensely. I forget what that means. Pretty much just some knowledge I need to get about other people and something I personally need to release.

But man, I've been talking about people and I've been releasing things. So it's like, 1 - what am I missing? and 2 - haven't I done enough for one night? ,)

Love. That's always the remedy. You need to love yourself more than anything. But after you begin to, you need to love other people. You need to have compassion for them. Perhaps this whole idea is concentrated, still, on how best to protect myself. And although I'm not close to being there yet, I need to realize that it's not just about me. Cause I'm not just about me. I'm not singular. I'm a part of the whole. And having compassion for other people is having compassion for the whole. So I have to heal myself and then heal my relationships with others.

I can't go around seeing people as enemies just because I know they don't like me. Other people mistakenly find me a snob and say that I have attitude and they bitch at me for things I don't deserve. Equally, I could be wrong about things that they do. They're not thinking about my side, nor am I thinking about their side and what it feels like to be them. And it's hard. I want to say NO. I want to say IT'S ALL ABOUT ME. But that's selfish. I have to have enough compassion to give THEM the benefit of the doubt. Because even though they can be difficult and cruel, that doesn't necessarily make them a bad person. You can't judge people by their worst, just as I said they shouldn't judge me by my worst.

My nose is only slightly less plugged but the itching stopped. So I guessssss that works for now. I'll meditate on it. :)

2008-09-19T00:05:00.000-04:00

So, Joe asked me out. I don't know that I'm ready to have a boyfriend. Ugh. Like, I realize that if I don't find a boyfriend at work, I'm not going to find it anywhere. You know? This is like my last chance, at least at this point in my life. I've had three semesters at Cogreene and I haven't so much as made one out of school friend. So even though there are plenty of "mature" attractive, available guys there, it just wasn't happening and I can't count on it. Nor do I want to wait until the spring.

But that's the thing... ugh.. I want a boyfriend, but I don't want to have to do it. I don't want to let someone in. It's like, I can talk to people when we don't know each other, because there's this distance between us. But when you're dating someone, you have such a raw connection. I can't put my metaphor into words. It's probably not even considered a metaphor. It's probably an analogy or a simile. To me, they're essentially the same thing. But in any case..

I'm used to being alone in my bubble and I like it that way. I mean, James didn't even know me that well.

Maybe I'm afraid, cause I let Mike experience the raw me and I trusted him so much and he betrayed me so much when we broke up.

But, in some ways, it's not so much that I'm afraid to let people know the real me. It's that I'm afraid to let people like the real me. And I'm afraid to like them. I'm afraid to have a connection because it can so easily be severed. And I don't want to go through that.

I know, it's kind of cliche. I got hurt. Now I'm scared to get hurt again. etc etc..

But it's not really like that. It's not that Mike hurt me, particularly. I mean, we were breaking up. Yeah, it wasn't pleasant but that's why it's a break up. He didn't just out of the blue tell me he had cheated on me and he wanted to break up with me. It was a mutual, drawn out break up.

Ugh. I just don't want to let people love me. I really, really, don't want to do it. And it gets to the point where I'm so repulsed by it that I don't even know if I'd otherwise like someone. I guess, ha, to be honest, I don't genuinly want to connect with anyone. Cause I'm afraid to. So when I do crush on people, it's usually for asthetic pleasures. Small, superficial things that please me. Cause I don't even want to connect with the "beautiful" people either. But if I'm not emotionally connecting, I have to get something out of it.

Even though I really haven't even been involved with anybody purely aesthetically pleasing. I mean, James is hot but he's extremely skinny and it's a turn off. I've never said so, cause there's really no reason to. He knows all the girls love him. But even though he's really tan and it's sexy, I don't quite like to see him naked. Like the difference between when he's wearing a pair of shorts and he takes them off and he's just in his boxers. I really want him to keep his pants on. :p

But that wasn't the point. The point is, I'm attracted to "pretty people". And it's shallow. But that's the point. Is I only want something shallow. But they don't want me. Maybe I'm not good looking enough for shallow people. :p Even though I secretly find myself beautiful. Depending on if I have my hair up or down.

Yeah. Face it. I'm vain and shallow.

I mean, I'm not. I wouldn't categorize myself as such. But mostly because I believe it to be wrong, so I feel guilty being that way. But I do have shallow compulsions that I try to hide. So I figure the best way to make them go away for good is to admit that I've got them. So yeah, I've got a lot of vanity and some shallow tendencies.

Aw. Damn, twice today I meant to tell about a customer I'd met. But I didn't end up doing it. Meh...

Joe told me he met Bam from Jackass. :p I got distracted from that. I think Bam is the one I find attractive.

I wish I could be like Katherine Heigel's character in Knocked Up. She's such a compassionate, accepting person. I'm too afraid to do it. Which reflects the fact that I'm too afraid to be compassionate and accepting of myself. And I'm too afraid that people won't be compassionate and accepting with me.

I'm not ugly. If I was, I don't know how I'd do it. I've had low self-esteem, of course. Cause I do have a quirky face and I was a little stocky after I hit puberty, it was mostly in my face and it wasn't flattering. But, I think I still thought myself pretty. Probably prettier than I was. Or, not.

Aesthetically, I was probably not as pretty as I wanted to be. I wanted a shallow beauty. But real beauty is something expressed in the face. Not what your nose looks like. But what your whole demeanor expresses. So, yes, I believe myself to be beautiful in that sense. Although I don't fully accept myself so when I see myself on video, I pretty much just find myself annoying.

But again, it's the same as how I seek beautiful people who I don't want to connect with. I want my own superficial beauty to be a distraction. Something easy that I can find satisfaction in, instead of digging deeper and working harder to accept myself. I avoid that pain and focus on the shallow aspects. So I try to make myself beautiful, and hope that it will represent me, and please other people. Instead of trying to express my true self, which I don't believe people will like.

And it's like, I know that I'm awesome. I know that I'm a fantastic person. More fantastic than anybody I know. I love being me. But, the thing is, I feel like I had to earn my worth. I feel like if I didn't have those qualities, I wouldn't have any worth. And that's wrong. We're inherently worthy, whether we believe it or not. And we don't have to prove it or earn it. It doesn't mean that we can be an asshole. It's not right to be an asshole. It just means that our worth comes from being God. And our goal is to express our God self. And your God self wouldn't be an asshole. Your God self wouldn't have any logical reason to. Because being an asshole only comes from a destructive, self-loathing, unhealthy mindset. It comes from not having compassion for life, for people, for God, for themselves. It comes from being afraid.

It comes from a lot of things, all of them unhealthy. So I don't do these things to be moralistic and "good" and earn my worth. I do it because it's natural. And naturally, I'm worthy. So I express myself and that gives me worth. Natural worth. And natural healthy, productive, compassionate behavior.

Do I sound like a dorky Christian? Ugh. I hate sounding like a goody goody. But it's not, to me. Because it's not something I try to be. It's just something I believe in. I believe in expressing truth. I believe in being healthy. I believe in being happy. And I do anything that I find healthy and happy and truthful.

It's nature for me.

So, about Joe. Ugh. I'm just not ready to love someone.

Like somehow someone at work mentioned that someone once asked how can you love if you've never hated before. And most of us said that that was stupid. To say that you can't know the meaning of love unless you've known the meaning of hate. Hate is the antithesis of love. It's less than love. It's small and weak and pathetic. And so, so, fearful. Why would you need to know weakness to know strength? Why would strength be defined by weakness in any way shape or form? I mean, in black and white terms, they're comparable as opposites. But only in definition. You know what I mean? Like, black doesn't make white. White is white is white is white. It's just white. But when call it white, when we identify it, when we describe it - we use black, the opposite, to define and label white. It doesn't need to be defined to exist.

So hate can tell us what love is not, but it can't tell us what love is. Thus, it doesn't take hate to let you know what love is.

But that's not the point. The point is that a few of us said that we didn't hate anybody. Which makes me happy, that people have that positive attitude, where they can find someone annoying or disagreeable but yeah, they know that they don't feel hate. Which is a strength, in my opinion. And a sense of peace. Hate is such a violent, disruptive, antiproductive, unhealthy emotion. It just does nothing but bring chaos and discord to the sense of being.

So anyway, I thought to myself - yeah, I don't hate anybody. But do I love anybody?

And how sad is that. I like to say that I love Isis, but I'm so clingy with her. I ask her for a hug and a kiss about ten times a day. Course, I don't see her everyday anymore.

But in any case. Part of my adoration for her is the fact that she's brilliant. She's a baby. She's happiness and joy. She's innocence and preciousness. It makes me happy. But do I love her? I want to control her. I want to make her love me. I'm dependent.

I don't love her the way I believe love should be. And it's because I don't love myself. I'm afraid to love anyone. I'm afraid to have anyone love me.

And I say this with a lot of straightforwardness and clarity. Because I'm ready to let it go. I'm ready to change it. I'm ready to be able to say that I love myself. So I have to admit to and understand what's stopping me.

But I just don't think I could love Joe. I can talk to him. I can flirt with him. But I just don't know that I can connect with him. And I think he's a nice, honest person. It's not like I don't trust him. Cause that's not really the issue. I guess it's part of the issue. The issue is that I feel that I can't accept myself. And thus, I feel like nobody else would have a reason to accept me.

But I see people enjoy and accept me all the time. But there's still some emotional connection I'm lacking. Something I should be expressing that I'm not. I don't know how to put it in words. I'll have to meditate on it.

I should probably say yes to Joe. What's the worse that can happen? Ugh. I could get pregnant. :p But I really don't wnat to have sex. Guys suuuuuuuuuck. I have to stop pretending like any of them can give me what I want. They have a dick. I don't. What feels good for their dick obviously doesn't feel good for me, cause I don't have a dick. And they don't understand what feels good for me. So they don't do what I want, cause it doesn't benefit them and they don't understand how it benefits me. And sex is such a guy's activity. Intercourse is all about guys. They say that the clit is like a mini dick. But the clit doesn't even get stimulated during intercourse. That's like if there was some kind of sex that involved the balls but not the dick. I'm serious. That's exactly what it's like. Sure, it might feel a little bit good. But it's not hitting your button. Your dick gets you off. My clit gets me off. And intercourse isn't about my clit, but it is about your dick.

Ahah. I hate using those words. I use to say such blunt things and now I make myself blush. I don't mind the point that I'm getting across. I could talk about sex till the end of time, but the words feel a bit vulgar for me. I feel like an idiot using them in such an everyday context. That's the problem, I'm so blase about sex but the words are not blase and it feels word using them as such.

Anyway, back to my point. Girls rule and boys drool. Even though, I really don't particularly find that girls rule. So boys simply drool. Ok?
And that's why I don't want to waste my time having boy sex. I just don't know how to make it good sex. Because I'm actually considerate. Guys are just like --- hey, we get off. That's all I care about.

But I'm aware that things that get me off, have no benefit for him. And I feel bad asking someone to do something that brings them no pleasure. I mean, I, myself, don't give bjs. I know it gives them pleasure, but it doesn't benefit me in any way. So I have the same attitude. Although, at least if you're sucking on my boob - it's not, gross or anything. It's not like guys particularly DON'T want to suck on my boobs. They just don't seem to prefer to.

So crazy. I thought guys were obsessed with boobs. But they're not. They're obsessed with looking at them, apparently. But not touching them.

Not that I've had sex with a large amount of guys. So perhaps I'm just unfortunate enough to have the guys that don't.

Anyway, I'm kind of embarrassing myself. I don't know why. But it doesn't embarrass me to say that I'm embarrassed so that suits me.

So forget the sex. lol. But since that's the worst that could happen - pregnancy. And I'm pretending like I'm never going to have sex again. There's not much else to be afraid about.

I mean, yeah, I am afraid to be close to somebody. But who says I need to? Let's just take this one step at a time. And see where it goes. If we don't like it, we break up. Who cares?

But I have itchy eyes and headaches. Is this not the right decision?

Nooo. Screw it. Sometimes you have to have humility. And understand that it's important to listen. But sometimes you have to believe in your ability to know what's right, and you have to make independent decisions. It's a fine line.

Joe is nice. He wants to do it, I want company, there's no doubt about that. We've already got a million dates planned. We're going to the movies next Tuesday and we're going to fright fest or whatever at the great escape cause we have free tickets from work.

He's still in high school, though. I don't like that. He wants me to come to his football game tomorrow. He's 18, but he got held back a grade. I don't really care about that, it's just bothersome more than anything. But even though I work full time and he works half time because of school, I at least get to see him at work. That's good. Instead of being away from my friends and family for 40 hours, I get to see people I like during work. I like that idea.

He's also coming over to watch Madagascar. Cause he's never seen it. And I'm so excited, the second one comes out in October. Though it will probably suck. Cause Madagascar is classic. And it's hard to repeat classic stuff. I'll still enjoy the new movie, but I may not love it.

Weird how I can truly love the color green and nature and movies. But not people. But that's because I can love myself within nature. It doesn't judge me. And it is easy to admire people from afar, the way I do with tv shows or movies or whatever. So that makes sense. I could never love myself if I was a cast memeber in Friends. I wouldn't know how to belong to that group. They love each other. I wouldn't be able to let them love me. Even though I love them from afar.

Ugh. Fuck. So I want to be with Joe? Every time I get close to being with someone, I tell myself that they're not worthy. And it makes me really uncomfortable. It also makes me feel horrible. Like when you're a popular person at school and you know you just can't date the geek from the chess club cause he's not cool. Like that's how it feels. But I think I do it just because I'm scared and I want to have a reason to back out.

But as I said, it's hard to distinguish how I feel when my emotions are based on my fears. And it's unpleasant. I never feel any good emotions for people.

Shit.

2008-09-18T02:31:00.002-04:00

There's still some issue. I can tell.

I'm attracting this bossiness at work and then I defy it and they get pissed off and suddenly I'm a bitch and I've gotten tattle-tailed on to a manager three times already. Possibly four, but I couldn't be sure. Cause David went back there and Pam asked me later if everything was alright, and I suspected that it was linked with something David said. But I may just be paranoid.

But it's the same thing with this car issue. But it's like, I am ignoring it the way I always should have with Amelia and Loren. This preference thing. It's not about rules, laws, safety. It's just about preference. I follow the rules. And if I bend them, I do it discreetly. Like the rule is you can't have your cell phone - specifically because you can't pull it out in front of customers. I don't do that. But I do check my cell phone once in a blue moon when I'm in the back, where customers can't see me. It's stuff like that. I bend the rules, but only slightly.

But most of the bitching has been about preference. And I feel stressed only because they tell the managers. I don't care what the people I work with think about me. I mean I get along with all of them but Bryan, even though I've had a little tiff with the majority of them. But I don't care if they're pissed off because I won't listen to them. But they care. And they care so much that they're not going to let it go. I let it go and move on in a flash. They go and tell managers or call me a bitch behind my back or complain to other people.

And yes, I am scared that they'll tell the managers. It makes my heart jump when I know they're on their way over there. But it's because, I work hard. I simply do. I don't slack off. I'm always doing things, always learning things. I'm always busy doing what I can. A lot of people just stay on register or just simply make the hot drinks and they don't refill ice or do prep or fill pastries when they have time. They just sit there and wait for another customer or another drink. I don't do that. I'm not the only one, there are some who work hard as well. but my point is, the managers are going to think that I'm just a slacker who doesn't do anything and doesn't listen to directions because that's what people do when they don't get their way, they try to make it justifiable. So they go to the managers and make it sound less like I'm simply not adhering to their preferences and more like I should be fired.

And I don't know if I'm afraid to get fired. I guess I am. Not realistically, per se. but I fear this authority figure issue that I dealt with when I got my tickets. I fear being judged incorrectly and held responsible for it. I feel like people won't see the truth. And they're not, you know? But as I said, I don't care about the people I work with. I care about those who can make it count. The managers. And I just want to appeal to them.

Of what they've seen of me, I would imagine that all of them but Donna finds me goodnatured, smiley, agreeable, polite, a quick learner. And when Rick came and talked to me because of Brian and Justin complaining about me, I felt as I was talking to him that there was no way he could incorrectly judge me. I'm such a sweetie. I play such an innocent. I'm so ditzy, always getting hurt and playing a bit of a dumb blonde, actually. There's no way that he knew of my attitude. I think that's what I'm afraid of. Because I have an attitude, but I use it to defend myself. I use it to stand up for myself. I use it to have an independent will. And people don't understand that because they don't respect my right to do so. They want to tell me how think, how to act, what to do. They want me to hate myself or feel bad about my choices. They want me to prefer to do things their way.

So they see my attitude as something bad. And I know that I have a right to defend myself, to stand up for myself and to have independent opinions and decisions. In a job, you have to follow the rules. I do. But other than that, I'm going to do things my way. And nobody is going to stop me. And I don't want to not get along with people.

When Tim and Ashley told Donna on me and then Donna ordered me to go on register, I was extremely resentful. Extremely. Not even Matt could make me smile. But Ashley said a couple things, like, whew, the line has gone down. Just little things to make conversation. And she's always been really nice to me. And when Tim told her to try to make me get back on register she said something about not wanting to be a bitch or not wanting to start shit. And she's black, she loves starting shit and having an attitude. So for whatever reason she didn't want to bring about that situation, I couldn't help but forgive her. In otherwise, she didn't hold any resentment even though I had abandoned her on register (to do more important things, I might add, but she didn't see it that way).

So I forgave her and we had a really fun time. After Tim left. Cause I didn't quite forgive him. He's kind of immature. And he kind of wants to date me. But he's girl crazy so it's not really flattering.

I want to get along with people. I want to have compassion for them. I guess, I can try to communicate with them more than give them attitude or blow them off. I did almost do that with Justin. I was writing my name on my enevelope for receipts and voids and stuff and he was like DON'T DO THAT NOW. And I kept doing it and he kept telling me to not do it, to get coffee for Ashley on register. And I was like, NOBODY HAS ASKED FOR COFFEE YET. IF THEY DO, I'LL GET IT. BUT THEY HAVEN'T, SO I'M GOING TO KEEP DOING THIS UNTIL THEY DO. But I said it in a strict, but calm voice. And I felt a triumph. Like I had explained it so logically that it made him sound dumb, like he was overreacting.

I don't want him to sound dumb. But I think when you use attitude, it suddenly gets personal. Like that one time with David and the empty garbage box. I won't go into it. But suffice it to say that by the end of it, it was no longer about the box, it was about being right.

After another stupid tiff with David, I told him that if he didn't lay off I was going to go tell the managers that he was using Justin's register which is a big no no, because if money gets stolen, they won't be able to blame Justin when he says, well, David kept using it. So that would be a messy situation. They'd probably both just get fired. So he laid off after that, which I was surprised at. And then he left a comment on my facebook pic that said that I didn't look so mean in the pic. Like I'm mean in real life. Which makes me laugh. Cause I'm not mean. But if he thinks that, that means he's afraid of me. Which I honestly wouldn't think that he would be. I thought it was a longshot telling him that I was going to tattle tale on him. But he was being ridiculously condescending and self-righteous for someone who was meanwhile breaking a huge rule. When I wasn't doing anything wrong at all.

So I don't know. I'll try the communication thing. Cause I know that I'm attracting this behavior for a reason. I know that they feel they can act out this way with me, like it's an opportunity to do so. And I have to stop sending out those signals. But this manager thing, I mean, I practice speeches a lot. I just talk to myself. And it happens when I get in fights with people and I don't say what I wanted to say, so I repeat it over and over again to myself in various ways, using up the time before I can see them again and say my whole speech. And I never do. So I basically just obsess about it constantly and then never get it out.

And I did that after Bryan told Rick on me. And I planned to speak to Bryan and I planned to speak to Rick and I planned to say so much, in so many different ways. But I never did. But Bryan is still bossing me around and I'm still blowing him off. It wouldn't surprise me if he told on me again.

By the way, the guy whose name I couldn't remember is Joe. He called but I didn't have my cell phone with me so he left a message and he said, It's Joe. So that was my clue. Ha.

I had a dream about him, I think. I've had the past two days off so I haven't seen any of them, but I feel like I had a dream that I made out with him or someone at work.

I also had a dream that I moved into this apartment complex but like we each had our own bedroom but the kitchen was public. So it was more like a dorm or like roommates. Only, I expected to get like a whole apartment to myself. But it wasn't. I don't remember what it was about. But it had a funky story behind what I was doing there. And the dream was really long and had other funkiness, though I actually liked it. Something about ruins or someplace I was hanging out. I don't know. It's hard to put into words a vibration. I feel the place, I feel the dream, I feel the meaning, but I can't describe it - can't put into words the coherency of the dream.

All I know is that it doesn't give me a good feeling when I think of the apartment complex. And personally, I don't see why I should be dreaming about apartments when that shit is settled. I'm here. I like it here. I have a one year lease. No need to fancify (I made that word up) another whole apartment.

So, I'm working hard on my book. I've lost track of the hours but probably 20 hours this past week. Not that it's all strictly writing. A lot of it is reading and organizing and planning. But although part of me feels that I'm procrastinating and wasting time in doing so, I also know that a lot of it actually needs to be done and if not now then when?

I think the difference is, when I organize but it doesn't get me anywhere. Like it doesn't make me move forward, I just end up shifting things around a whole bunch, that's when it's a waste. But this time I'm organizing things to help clear my head, to wrap my mind around what I've got before me and what I need to do and how I need to shape it. I'm borrowing my dad's laptop since I didn't win that one at the raffle. I'm disappointed because it's amazing how much I've gotten done since I started using the laptop.

It's just kind of an attitude, a fresh start. A mobility, I think. My laptop is so large and full of junk and connected to the internet and it has a sense of all my old habits - just sitting here watching movies and fucking around on my computer. It's just bogged down with that crap. And I feel bogged down when I'm sitting at it. But using my dad's laptop, being able to move around on the couch and have it sitting on my lap or me sitting in the kitchen. It's an activity. I feel that my brain is moving because my body is moving and my place is moving.

Sitting on my bed. With my computer in the exact same spot, as I said, it wreaks of old habits, of suck lack of mobility. Just sloth. Of course, my desktop isn't even there anymore cause I'm in a new place and it's in front of the couch on a little table, not by my bed. But I can't sit back on the couch and relax and I can't lay down or move around. I'm pretty much stuck. And it's ugly, I don't want it here, but there's no where else to put it if I have to use it.

My dad moves in less than a month, so I can't keep his laptop forever. He says to buy one at the after-thanksgiving sale thing. But I would have to wait another month and a half after he leaves for the laptop. And I need one IN that month and a half to work on my book. It makes me want to work my ass off this month and get it all done now.

I have 1,500 more journal entries to sort through. And they are 8pt font. It would surely be 2,500 if it was 12 pt font. So it's pretty intense. But important, never the less. Since at least half of my book is going to be about my personal application of the philosophies I believe in.

I have another 150 of stuff that I wrote outside of my journal. Stuff specifically for my book. But that's 12 pt font. So that would be about, maybe 70 at 8 pt font. So that's closer to being done than my journal entries, which are full of crap more than anything. I like to think of the 8pt font crap as my goal to get rid of. Like I want the number to go down. That's actually why I put them at 8pt font, because I couldn't stand having 2,000 pages to go through. So I shrunk the size so that it would be more bearable to believe I only had 1,000 left.

Contrariwise, I made my book bigger in font so that I could feel more optimistic about how much I'd written for it. But it's not in consecutive order in the least bit. Cause I haven't known what the consecutive order will be and it's not so much a sense of plot, so I can't just do it chapter by chapter. It's an interwoven representation of reality, of themes and ideas. So it could really be in any order, and I'm not sure what order I want it to be in yet.

So I'm just trying to organize the themes and maybe try making each theme a chapter and piece it together.

But I have to sleeeeeeeep now cause I have work in seven hours or something.

2008-09-15T03:45:00.002-04:00

This is ridiculous. I have to wake up in three hours and I'm not tired at all. I'd stay up, but that would be ridiculous too. I know in about five or six hours I'll start to feel miserable. I can't work eight hours on no sleep and I have to babysit Isis for an hour or two after work. And I have to go shopping. I need milk and bread and stuff. I have no breakfast foods. I have oatmeal, but I don't have any cinnamon or honey, so it won't taste good. And I like putting milk in my oatmeal.

I'm just filled with so much raw emotion, I don't know what to do with it. I'm a little bit scared of it. It feels so intimate. So invading. But I'm also excited. I want to do something with it. I want to touch somebody's neck. Necks for me are very intimate. They're soft and naked and a little bit conclave between the head and the shoulders. Just raw flesh, in a sense. But sexy raw flesh. Not like your armpit or something.

I want to make something of this raw emotion. I can't make it go away so I can relax and lose consciousness. I want to express it. And naturally, I want to do this by having sex. Cause, to me, connecting on the physical level is like sealing the deal. You can connect mentally, or emotionally or spiritually, and it's important. But I'm afraid to connect physically and that's why I'm attracted to it. And if you can express your mental, emotional and spiritual connection through physical affection, you're kind of sealing the deal.

Anyway, I have too many raw images in my head. Too many things I want to do to unsuspecting people. Who are probably sleeping right now. That maybe will make it go away. If I remind myself that I can't have an emotional, mental, spiritual or physical connection with people who don't really want to have one with me. But awww, what if they did. I bet Iliya thinks about me. Hmm. Now I'm sad for him.

I have a headache. This is not going to be a fun day.

2008-09-14T23:40:00.002-04:00

So I have to admit that working has made me more responsible. Because when you work, you kind of get this attitude that points out that things need to be done but you just take things one step at a time. You know? Like you fill your quota for that day and then you close up shop and go home.

I'm not really explaining this the way I originally thought it. It's just, when you consider housekeeping, you gotta do it constantly. When you live in a house with other, especially kids, it's a full time job in itself. And you're not really making all the messes that you have to clean. And it's a struggle to keep things orderly, because no one listens if you tell them to do so. But in the work environment, there are just things that need to be done and we don't do them obsessively - sometimes we get a little lazy, but there is a structure. And it's not a full-time job, even though I am technically working full time, but I mean that it's not where I live, so I get to go home at the end of the day and I just sort of take it one day at a time. I do what I need to do - and I get paid for it, admittedly, not a lot. But then I get to go home. And it just kind of gives me an air of responsibility. Things just need to be done, and I do it because I get paid, and then I get to go home.

And now, living on my own, I just kind of recognize that things need to be done. I wasn't like that before. Things never needed to be done. I just let things be, in whatever state they were in. And I didn't have any other choice because it was way too hard to do things my way while living in my parents house. But now, when I do the dishes, there are like five dishes, maybe ten. And I know that once they're done, they're done. And I'm the one to enjoy the clean dishes and make more dirty dishes. I'm the one who gets to reap the rewards and I don't mind picking up after myself.

I told my parents this... but they didn't believe me. They thought that since I always kept my room messy, that I would keep my apartment messy. But it's not like that. It's easy to keep things clean when everything is mine to keep clean. It's frustrating to clean the kitchen and then have someone else in the house come out and make a bunch of food and leave everything out on the counters and make a pile of dirty dishes. But everything is under my control now and I like it just so.

And even though, things aren't in my control at work, per se. It's like, a place for everything and everything in its place. So everything IS organized, even if it's not in particular the way I choose it to be. In my parents' house there wasn't any particular structure or organization. And there never could be. My parents didn't want to impose rules on us - we didn't want to follow them. But I think also my mom didn't want to have to follow the same rules, you know? My dad is more organized so he probably would - but he also isn't the housewife type of person, so he didn't really clean very much.

In any case, working has kind of taught me the nature of work. School didn't teach me that, because I didn't get paid for doing it. College is a little different because you're paying for it. But college was simple anyway. High school was obsessive - they just made us all their slaves, going to school for eight hours straight and then doing hours and hours of homework after school. It was extremely tedious. In any case, I didn't ever feel that any of it needed to be done the way I do now.

I love how it took me six paragraphs to say all that. I'm sure no one would have minded if I had simply said - hey hey, I find it easier to do my dishes now that I've grown to accept the fact that I have a responsibility to get things done - as I do in my job. And it's easier now that I live on my own and everything I do benefits myself, and everything that needs to be done is caused by me.

And that's it.

In any case, I'm kind of crushing on Matt. Shhh. I knew him from high school but not well at all and now I work with him at Starbucks. He's kind of mystery cause he's really bright and happy and positive - always in a really good mood and making jokes and making people happy. But he got kicked out of his college for... drinking? And he had a court case - although he wouldn't tell me what for. And he's a virgin. So he's kind of a random mix of dark and light and quirky.

I mean, there's Iliya, but he's going back to Bulgaria. I'm like 95% positive he likes me. And I talk to him on break and stuff. but he's leaving in like a week. And Georgie is also going back to Bulgaria. He's cute. I mostly just like when he pushed me against the wall and then tied my pigtail breads in a knot. I didn't know what he was doing at first, but there was a little excitement from his forceful nature.

He works with two guys - who, forgive me, I can't remember their names. They never really introduced themselves and I never hear anybody calling out their names. one of them seemed to want to invite me to the club, he asked me a couple times if I was interested in going. I never really answer when people ask me those kinds of questions though. If they don't ask me directly, I just don't answer. And even if they do ask me directly, I sometimes don't answer. In any case, he smokes and the way he talks, he doesn't really seem to be my type.

And then there's another one, and when I was working at Quiznos he came over and put his arm around Nicole and I just thought it was kind of sweet, so I immediately grew fond of him. He reminds me of an actor I know from Alias. I don't remember his name. :[ It's their fault for never wearing their name tags like they're supposed to. Hell, I don't even think they know my name. But this guy is still in high school, though he's 18, I think. He failed a greade. And he smokes as well, which sucks. But he's a little bit quieter. Like the first guy whistled when I walked across the plaza and said something about missing me. It was kind of brazen flirtation in a random way. But he shows a little too much personality that I don't really like.

Whereas the other guy is a little bit more subtle. I go there to eat pizza on my breaks and I chat with them. He sat down next to me and I had my cell phone on the table so he asked me for my number and when he left to go home he gave me a huge goodbye. My first hug from anybody at the plaza. I think Iliya has wanted to hug me, but he probably thinks I don't want him to. I give off that vibe. But this guy - who I must learn the name of, just seems to consider me his friend now. Since I spent like a half an hour chatting with him the other night after closing, I suppose we are friends. It's nice. He was warm when I hugged him, I liked it. I could see myself liking him.

Though, really, none of these guys are what I'm after in the true sense of things. But I always compromise. Since I don't know a single person my age who is this way. And definitely not any attractive males.

And then there's Timmy. But he's definitely not my type. Too short, too young. Too girl crazy. He wants to come party at my house this weekend. Which I have no problem with, but he's definitely not getting me drunk. And I kind of want other people there. He keeps announcing it at work, "party at Melinda's". (That's what Matt named me and him and Bryan and Tim call me it. Well, Bryan stopped. Which is good, cause he's not my friend and only friends get to call me by my nickname. I take it as a good sign that they feel comfortable enough in calling me it. Cause I think you have to be on good terms with someone to do it. Since it's technically a bit rude to do - call someone by another name.)

In any case, I just smile when he does it, so although Ron or David will be like Really? There's a party at Melinda's? I don't confirm it, so they probably don't think Tim is serious. I don't want to be alone with Timmy. He's already asked me directly if I'd be his girlfriend. I reminded him that he'd already asked Erica on a date that day. And then David told me that Tim had a crush on me a week later. And I think Tim almost asked me today if I wanted to have a three some, since he knows I'm bi.

He's so not my type.

Matt is my favorite. :) He's just a good person. He's like Santa. But a funny Santa.

But it was me, Matt and Ashley closing tonight. And Ashley always brings up sex. She's pretty brazen. She's black. I feel like that says something. She has that brazen black attitude. They like to be straight forward. In any case, just talking about sex, around Matt, somehow made me consider Matt in that context. Like I'd never really thought I could like him sexually. But now I'm thinking.. hmmm.

Not that I'm consciously thinking about it, per se. But now I can envision him in that context. Even though he's a virgin and he's like 20. I don't know what he's waiting for, he hasn't said anything about waiting for marriage. And he doesn't want us to think he's gay, so he seems to be straight. So even if I did date him, he might not want to have sex. Which is actually fine with me. Because despite what I say about being obsessed with sex, I've learned that guys don't know what girls want. Honestly, they just don't want the same things as girls want and they don't understand how it feels to be without a dick. And I don't really want to have to explain it all to them. And they don't really want to hear it. Cause they have a dick, and it doesn't concern them.

So, I feel ridiculous wanting sex so bad when thus far, it's not been anything worth my time. And to be honest, it hasn't even been that great for the two guys I slept with. But I don't really care. I didn't get an orgasm so why should it matter to me if they get an orgasm? James didn't because he used one of my climax control condoms and they have that desensitizing lubricant that makes it really hard to cum, since it's meant for premature ejaculators. Yeah, if I had only known while I was dating Mike.

Anyway, I'm going to watch Knocked Up. Though I shouldn't, cause I have to wake up in six and a half hours and this is a couple hours long, most likely. Booooo. I slept soo much this morning. I slept from like 9pm last night to like 10am this morning.

2008-09-11T11:30:00.004-04:00

What is this shit with losing James? How do I feel about him? How do I feel about losing him? Why am I so attached to him?

Every reason I try to imagine that I could possibly be attached to James is so the antithesis of true. Like, it was secure being his friend. UM NO IT WASN'T. I knew from day one that he was going to ditch me again and it was only a matter of time before it happened. And now it has, 2 and a half months later. Right after I have sex with him. But that doesn't bother me in the least bit. If anything, sex is a reason Not to care.

He didn't give me anything. But maybe there is some safety and security in that. Maybe I liked it that he didn't care about me. It would have made me uncomfortable if he had. I have no friends. At least, no friends who I can have a friendship with. I don't see or talk to any of my friends.

So, for me, there are only two types of people, those who don't like me and.. James. Who didn't dislike me. I never got the sense that he disliked me. But I knew he didn't particularly care for me. And that was enough, I think.

I told James that all the girls liked him because he was so deficient in personality. And girls like to fill in the blanks. I know I did. Like I was attracted to what I thought was in James but just needed to be drawn out. But, I've seen the other side, I would hate to be Liz. I always thought I wanted to be Liz, but I can finally see why she wants other guys.

And now I feel really bad for James.

But the point is, that girls like him so much for his variable quality. He's x. And in their imagination, he can be anything. Sure he's shy, but WHAT is shy, that's the question. What needs to be drawn out?

And I don't dislike him now that I know more of what's inside than ever before. But it definitely is not what I imagined or wanted. He's not the type of guy I want to be with. But I think that this variable quality allowed me to feel, when I was around him that he appreciated me.

It was almost like, his lack of reaction, allowed me to be whoever I wanted to be. I didn't need to worry about connecting with him, cause he would have never done that. In a situation, with two personalities, the personalities need to connect. But they didn't with me and James. He just sat by as an observer while I did my thing. And I personally appreciate myself, so I just decided that he did too. I knew that he didn't dislike me as much as some people.

But he pretty much doesn't care about anybody. At all. He's essentially like me. I have nobody worth very much to me except Isis. He doesn't like connecting with people or expressing himself to people. And I thought that he was like that with everybody but Liz. But from what I hear, he's also like that with Liz to a certain degree.

So I knew enough that he didn't dislike me, and that gave me the freedom to Be without worrying about all that emotion discharge from other people. People sometimes have problems with me, and that's what I'm afraid of. Amelia always has problems with me, Loren had problems with me. People at work have problems with me. I mean, people emotionally react to other people, and I find that it's usually unhealthy, because generally emotions are unhealthy. Even if I had obsessive adoration like Justin does, that would be unhealthy and obnoxious.

But James didn't emotionally react. So I didn't have any of that nonsense. But it was more than that, because, he didn't want to connect with me and I knew it. And I liked it. It freaks me out when people like me and it freaks me out when people don't. James was just apathetic about me. I could like myself and not be paranoid that he didn't like me (while I was around him, though I was all the time when he wasn't there.) But I also didn't have to worry about making a connection with him. I didn't have to worry about becoming intimate with him. It just wasn't going to happen.

On the surface, I made it my goal to connect with him. But could I have chosen a more unlikely prospect? The truth is, a lot of people don't want to change. And James has these issues. Just because I wanted him to change does not give him a good enough reason to do it. If he doesn't have any problem with it, he's going to keep doing it. It was not a safe bet. But then again, for my subconscious, it was a safe bet, because it was a safe bet that he wouldn't want to connect with me. He doesn't even want to have sex with me a second time!!

I don't know why, but I don't look that bad naked, so I'm thinking he's got other reasons.

I want someone who cares for me, I want someone who loves me. But I have yet to see anyone who cares for me without a bunch of emotional discharge that I do not want to deal with. I mean, Mike lasted with me for five months or six months but WOW. The emotional discharge was psychotic. There is no fucking way I want to repeat that. With James? Nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing. Nothing. He won't even express when he's angry at me. He expresses NOTHING. No happiness, no satisfaction, he tries not to even express desire or lust, no anger, no pleasure. Nothing. And it frustrated me. But because he was a variable, I could pretend that underneath the surface he was feeling whatever I wanted him to feel. And it was torture, of course. But it was, at least, the opposite of Felix and John. Fucking psychos.

I miss the simplicity of being in James's arms. Sure, I tried to complicate it with emotions and desire. And it frustrated me when he didn't respond. But that was because I wanted him to compromise for me. I wanted him to keep everything locked up, except what I wanted to see. I wanted to control him, regulate him. But he just kept on showing nothing. No response. He wants to get laid LESS than he wants to show his desire for sex.

People are too uncontrollable. The emotions are too uncontrollable. Andrew is the perfect example. I've been attracted to Andrew a few times over the past couple of years. But it seems like every time I try to be attracted to him, he freaks out over something and clashes with me so strongly. And I just can't handle that. I don't know what to do with it. Especially because he doesn't really care for me, AT ALL. So when his outbursts happen I just feel like he dislikes me so much. And that there's nothing I can do to remedy the situation.

This is what I'm going to miss about James. Not his value, because I'm going to be honest, he doesn't have any. He's not worthless in general, I'm not being mean about this, he's just worthless To Me. He's not what I want. Except in the fact that he has no aftertaste. There's none of that obnoxious emotional discharge. You know? The bad with the good. He didn't have any good, so he didn't have any bad. And I was content (though tortured) to just simply hang out with him. He kept me company. I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to be with people. So here's my inbetween. James.

At least it was. It's no longer now. I wanted to have somebody sexy over to cuddle with me on my couch, in my living room. To get up and get a drink with me in my kitchen. And then to go sleep with me in my bed, and make it squeak a little. Someone to share the privacy and the independence with. Someone comforting and uncomplicated. Not erratic and insane.

How can I reason with myself that emotionally connecting with someone is a good plan? Seriously. The ONLY way I'll consent to do it, is if I have control of the situation. But I don't. I know that. I realized that with James. I just don't have control of other people. I didn't have control of Mike's discharge, that's for sure. But I probably had control of his positive emotions and I could win arguments. But GOD those months after we broke up. I could do NOTHING to curb those. Everything I said or did just made them all the more insane. I just pushed his buttons.

I can't go through that again. And who wants to have that disaster of emotion hit you from someone you loved? That's the worst place to get it from. And this is partly the reason I don't want to connect with people. I'm scared to have somebody care about me. I'm scared to have somebody like me. I don't feel that I deserve to be liked. I feel like I'm the designated scapegoat. I don't feel like it because people treat me that way, I feel like it's how it should be. That it makes sense for me to be the scapegoat for everybody. And people do use me as a scapegoat. Not that I'm the only one who gets blamed for things I didn't do. I think everybody uses other people to take the blame. Because people don't want to admit that everything that goes wrong in their lives is their fault, and their responsibility. Not anybody else's. And that's the emotional discharge I don't want to deal with.

Though I can see now that it shouldn't bother me as much as it does. And that if I stop accepting that I deserve to be blamed, I'll stop attracting people who are looking for someone to blame. And maybe I'll start attracting noncrazy people, who can see the reality of responsibility. There must be some out there. In general, I thought that was the stereotype for guys. Girls were the crazy ones who were always blaming everything on their boyfriends in hysterical voices and guys were the nonchalant ones who didn't really give a shit.

But guys have evolved. And they're very emotional now. And it's not pretty. The things they were suppressing... as a rogue psychologist, I can't recommend that anybody suppresses their emotions. It's very unhealthy. But jeezus, the things that come out of the guys who have stopped doing it.

I want some spiritual maturity. But I'm afraid of spiritual maturity. We went over this the other day. I'm afraid of having somebody keep me on my toes. If I have a spiritual inlet in every area of my life, I'll have no excuse for not being dedicated.

Ugh. Fuck.

2008-09-11T10:49:00.002-04:00

So everytime I look at someone and I'm not smiling, and I'm not frowning, and I'm just looking. They think I'm either giving them and evil, mean look or I'm sad, or I'm bored. I don't know. Like, people don't know what to do if I look at them with an empty expression. So they just make something up. They even do it with pictures! That picture I had on Facebook for a while. David told me I looked mean, Katie told me I looked sad and Ron just told me basically that I needed to change it because it was scary or something. And it's, sooo, none of those things. To me, it looks honest. It's like, everything else is dark but my face is illuminated and there's no expression, it's just me. Me, not emotions. Just me. Can nobody comprehend that? What is a person without a feeling - apparently.

I think it just intimidates people that I don't react. Like, I don't really get giddy and smile and laugh when people say stuff. I think that would be a better reaction. I will smile if you flirt with me. At least I've got that down. But Ashley was talking about how she needed to go to bed, cause she'd been up since 5 AM and had only gone home at 3 AM because she was "gettin her freak on." (She's black, so it makes perfect sense for her to say this.) I just thought I'd add that.

In any case. I didn't say anything, and she took it to mean that I thought she was really weird for telling me too much information and etc. And she told me I had to get used to her. And I said, I don't have virgin ears.

Cause none of this stuff shocks me, surprises me or weirds me out. But it's like, if I don't react. People don't know what to do, so they fill in the blanks. It probably makes them uncomfortable. I guess socially, people read expressions and emotions in order to assess the situation. And when I don't react, they can't assess the situation, so they feel uncomfortable. I guess it's a little unfair. I mean, they always get it wrong, because I don't think with my emotions. I think with my analysis. Orrrrrr, I really don't think about these things. I guess I'm kind of arrogant. Like when my manager, Pam, is saying things and I don't react. I'm really thinking, hi, I'm not an idiot. Believe it or not, I know 95% of what you're explaining to me right now. So then she thinks that I'm sad...

With Ashley, I didn't think anything. Because it didn't surprise me or shock me. It didn't make ME feel uncomfortable. It sounded pretty normal to me. Actually, it probably made me think of the last time I had sex. And how I wanted to go around telling people that I'd done it the next day at work.

Anyway, I do feel very enclosed when I'm with people. Because I'm having a social experience but a lot of that experience is inside my head, and I don't share that with people. Even when I'm like in the storeroom alone, I smile to myself when I think of something funny or pleasant. Usually about James. It's like I do actually express my emotions, but when I'm alone. It's just, I don't react very much to strangers. Because, I don't react to strangers emotionally. Maybe some annoyance. But I try to hide that from Pam.

Although, I always smile and talk with the customers. They flirt with me or compliment me some times.

Anywayyyy, I want to go see my niece. So BYE.

2008-09-10T11:42:00.003-04:00

"If you don't know me by now, you will never know me at all."

2008-09-09T10:53:00.003-04:00

So, James is gone again. And I don't really care. At first I cared because I wanted him to see my apartment. I mean, jeezus, I live alone for the first time, with all this freedom and independence. and I've got no friends to come visit me. No one to have sex with, without worrying about my parents. Even though they weren't there when I had sex with James. But, that could have happened enough times for us to get used to each other and make it enjoyable. Eat, sleep, shower (actually, that's not sexy, I use well water and there's sulfur in it, it's a very strong smell.) But, yeah, everything I can finally do with freedom, but there's no one to share it with. That's why I miss James. He was the person I expected to be able to share it with. But the day he said he was coming, I canceled because I invited my parents over for dinner. And I gave him like four other days to come over but he ignored my texts, and just kept doing that.

And I've now realized how much of a coward he is. I have given him every opportunity to comfortably be honest with me. And he just, won't. He's just too damn afraid to be honest. I told him, a couple months ago, that if he was going to ditch me again, he needs to tell me. Because I can handle him gone, but there's that period in between when I don't know that he's already decided to begin ignoring me. So I just keep texting.

I worked pretty much alone with Tim and Matt the other night. Usually we'd have other people there to mix up the dynamics. But it was Katie for most of the night and then just us. And Tim, who is 16, really likes to party. And he's impressed that I have my own apartment. So he was like, "party at Melinda's" (which is my new name.) And then he asked me seriously if I was alright with it, and I said sure, except my living room is messy... because I'm going through my boxes of papers and there are piles everywhere. But I didn't really care, it would only take a second to clean up.

So I really thought that Matt and Tim would come over... and drink, but I was trying not to think about the drinking part. And then I'd have someone see my apartment. But I guess Tim didn't think I was serious enough. Matt probably had had enough of us, I don't know. So they started talking about other places to party, and Matt ended up leaving early to go to New Jersey with Justin and Tim probably just went home.

Everybody at work parties a lot, apparently. But I have to say, that it makes sense. Because it's the only thing you can really do when you have the 2-10 shift. Go out and party afterwords.

I gotta look up the difference between afterward and afterwords.

Anyway, Tim is not my type, and he can't keep his mind on one girl for an entire minute. So when he said, "would you be my girlfriend? seriously." I reminded him about how he had already set up a date with the new girl at quiznos. Who is 17, and closer to his age. He's still in high school.

I pretty much think that everybody is 18 or older, when I meet them. And pretty much everybody thinks that I'm 16. I told you, it's because my hair is up. Nobody would think that if my hair was down.

People at work don't like long hair. But the customers do. Maybe some of them would prefer not to have my hair in their whipped cream, but when I'm careful, the customers admire my hair. The managers look at me like I'm the antichrist. Or something a smidgen less dramatic.

I had a bunch of friendds before Andrew's graduation party when I started hanging out with James. But, you know, I didn't like any of them. I told Garland and Cory and Stephanie to stop talking to me. I ignore Rob, Shawn and Felix's texts. Kristen and I have barely talked since she broke up with me. I guess I feel insecure. You dump someone and you're pretty much saying all kinds of subtext about how they're not good enough for you and you don't enjoy their company. Not like she's tried to hang out with me either. She mentioned going out for dinner and I said Okay! but she never mentioned it again.

Dan and I don't talk very much either, but I prefer it that way. We've done it all before. And I just have no desire to repeat any of it. It's old and tired. I want something fresh. Sometimes I still miss John's passion, but he's a complete maniac. And that's the thing... you want someone emotionally passionate. But usually people who are emotionally passionate, are just plain emotional. And that means that they're most likely pretty messed up. And John is.

Maegan asked me to hang out that one time but I told her I didn't drink, so she canceled. And then I canceled cause I was waiting for HMSHost to call me. Even though they didn't for another month, when I called them for the fifth time. Jerks. But anyway, Maegan is in the military. I don't know which one, actually. Airforce, I guess. So she's in Wyoming. And going to be there for a long time.

Jon and I arranged to hang out, I went to the pool he works at. But he got poison ivy or something and had to go to the hospital to get it checked out (he didn't know, at first, what he'd had an allergic reaction to). So we went to the pool anyway, but I didn't like it very much. It was cold and we were only there for about an hour before it closed. Amelia got out at work at 5, and we couldn't do it on weekends because Isis wasn't there. So I didn't see much point in going back. Although her and Chris went back another time.

$7 was a lot of money for something so stupid. And then Jon went back to college in Colorado. So now two of my best friends are over there, right next to Utah, where I used to live. Even though I wouldn't have known them if I'd stayed in Utah. But I'm kind of thinking that the midwest is where the party is at! Stephanie, my sister, is in Wyoming as well, I believe. She doesn't know where she's going to move because it depends on where they put him, doing pipe lines.

Andrew doesn't like me very much. James is gone. Though it's like, he doesn't have a lot of qualities I like, but I've always thought I liked him anyway, and I preferred having someone to think about, someone to enjoy hanging out with. We didn't Need to kiss again. We could have just hung out. I didn't even miss not having a boyfriend these past few months, because James fulfilled that role in the saddest way you could imagine, but it was enough for me. He didn't love me, he hardly liked me and he didn't ever compliment me, he pretty much only called me a bitch and a slut. But the cuddling fulfilled me. I like the tenderness of physical contact. It scares me to emotionally connect with someone anyway. And James is the last person that would ever happen with. Seriously.

So maybe my problem is, I don't like people who scare me. But it's hard to tell who scares me and who is just obnoxious. Cause most of the people I named are pretty obnoxious. And I made an effort to connect with the ones who weren't.

And maybe the other thing is that I know I can't live a lie. I need someone who is spiritually aware. I can pretend I'm who I'm not at work, for 40 hours a week, because it's a robotic job. It doesn't require personality. But for the rest of the week? I can't live a lie. I know I distract myself from the truth enough, that's why hanging out with James worked out fine. But he was also a mission in itself. A mystery of psychology that I wanted to discover and help out. But I've since learned that he's incurable. In the sense that, he has no interest in making an effort to change things. And now I've unraveled the mystery, and problems are only interesting when they can be solved. Because it feels good to solve problems. To be aware of stupid, stuck problems is not at all interesting.

But I liked hanging out with James damnet. I liked hanging out with him and his friends. And now I have nobody. And there are just oceans of superficial people out there. I know that there are thousands of spiritual people out there as well. But maybe I'm afraid that if I find one, that means that I have to be serious all the time. I can't get away with letting myself be distracted by tv shows and other superficial things. Finding someone to equal my spiritual awareness would leave me with no room for an excuse. So I probably prefer to attract superficial people like James. Simple people.

And thus, I've got myself stuck in a rut. Because I know in my heart that I can't relate, truly, to anybody without a spiritual awareness. But I want people who are superficial, to avoid my own responsibilities. So I attract people that are doomed to fail. And I can't just wait for the right people to show up at my door. I have to attract them. Life gives you what you ask for. And I know that so far, I haven't been asking for it. Except with my parents, of course. But now they're going to VA. Although I could go to, and doors would open up. I'd meet the spiritual people I want to meet.

But I have a yearly lease here, so I might as well make the best of it. Even though I don't really have anything here but Amelia and Isis, who seem a very small part of my life at the moment.

I know this sounds like the same entry I wrote a few days ago. With my depression. I can feel it all coming back. I was doing great with my apartment. Even liking it a bit. But then I had to move my computer so that I could write... I must win that laptop. The raffle is tomorrow. Jeezus, I've got to win it. And in any case, my apartment has been slightly less than satisfactory because of the setup. But I hope to fix it in the future.

It's just, being ignored by James has thrown me into "depression" again. I use quotations because my depression isn't really depression. Just, stillness. I want to be full of love and compassion and happiness. And instead, there's this stillness. A little bit of sadness. Emptiness.

A fly I killed a half an hour ago is trying to come back to life...

I have a bunch of things out from the library, and I'm using them to distract myself again. I've been sorting through papers, so I do that while I watch things.

I need to stop this. I need to start doing what's right for me.

2008-09-06T12:51:00.002-04:00

I'm getting advice from my own book. It's kind of cute. The thing with my book, is that I like to think that the wisdom travels more or less straight from my Higher Self to my book. Tainted by my consciousness, of course. But originating with my Higher Self. So sometimes, although I know it to be true, I have yet to apply it to everything I do - to believe it in the "four lower bodies" as my parents would probably say.

My goal is to be reunited with my Higher Self. And many times, I do feel that union with my Higher Self. But frankly, I have not been in the best state of mind the past month. With the prospect of moving, the actual moving, and the thinking of James all the time. Though I think I'm done with that -I never thought sex would be closure, but it seems to be.

In any case. I'm dealing with these issues, and I read over paragraphs that I've written for my book and it's such good advice. And I need to listen and begin applying these things. You know? Moving into a new apartment, starting a new phase of your life, you can't - you don't want - to haul everything from your former life over, in the exact same condition it was. And I learned so much from the past few years, but now that I'm beginning a new life, I have a chance to apply it from the very beginning.

And that's important. Because wisdom comes sometimes in a solitary way. It's a quiet activity. But it's only worth how it helps you grow and helps you apply it to the action of life. I spent a lot of time working on my mental and psychological self. But the point of it, was so that I could be healthy in all the actions I take. So now I've made changes, and I need to realize that it's time to reflect those changes in my actions. Actions that I began at a younger age when I didn't know this stuff, or even lifetimes before. And now that I've grown wiser, I need to stop the habits and the mindless patterns and make decisions that reflect what I truly believe.

Consciously, you can believe something. As I do, after the wisdom comes through me and I realize it's exactly what I know to be true. But, subconsciously, there's an insecurity, a part of you that clings to old patterns. And I can't just sit back and let those patterns tell me how to act and what to do. I have to make the conscious effort to bring forth the wisdom I know to be true and apply it.

And maybe the stress of moving caused me to shut myself off from my higher self and retreat into the safety, the security of my subconscious and its patterns. Which is silly, of course, because what's most secure for me is my Higher Self. And that's why I've felt so blank and empty - trying to stunt intense emotional displeasure, because I know better than that. But having my emotional bliss stunted as well.

Though it's getting better. I'm getting happier with my apartment. I'm not so sure about the job, though. Actually, I think I have less optimism. And I miss going to school. Cause even though I was around people, I was alone as well. Alone in the confines of my mind, my intellect, my wisdom. Things that I didn't think anybody would care to know or even understand so I just kept them to myself, but they're so important I can't leave them alone in there, so I stay with them, and isolate myself from my peers --- not that I have had any great opportunities to socialize. But, maybe that's a reflection of my already-made decision to not socialize.

In any case, I miss walking the halls like a ghost. In my own world, inside the social world. It was comforting. I liked it. I was stressed with the academic world, though. But it also provoked me to think about how I see things. Everything, EVERYTHING there was lacking. But anything smaller than infinity is lacking. Anything with limitations is lacking the unlimitidness of Truth, of God. So, although I enjoy what I have to say because it a progressive tone, it too, is lacking... and for someone more progressive than I, it may seem slow.

Still, I am earnestly trying to win a laptop at the raffle thing they have at my work. It's in a few days. And I seriously am using all of my Will and Power to make it happen. Rather, I'm trying to utilize the resources I know to be there, but have yet to seize and activate. And I'm afraid to say that it's so, because of my pride and my vanity if I don't win. But I'm trying to also cure my pride and vanity, because it's not very useful, since it doesn't let me love myself. It really only brings me fear and shame.

But I have to stop chattering on because I have to leave for work in a half an hour and I still have to shower.

2008-09-01T22:42:00.002-04:00

Maybe I'm not ready to take responsibility. Maybe that's why I feel like I can't write my book right now. Because one of the most reoccurring themes in my book is that we need to, as spiritual beings, take responsibility for ourselves. And stop living the lie of our surface lives.

And I was connected to my Higher Self. I realize that now because I don't know who I am without it. I feel like I'm living someone else's life. Going to Starbucks 40 hours a week, coming "home" to this foreign apartment. Having sex with James.

Who am I?

I lived on a cloud. I knew it and I loved it. I was in such a state of bliss and love. Maybe not the purest state of bliss and love, but a pretty decent one.

I deserve to be me. I deserve to have that bliss. I deserve to be one with my Higher Self. But I think I was abusing my right.

My mom once told me that I ate to cover up my Higher Self's voice. In other words, when I felt my Higher Self, I would ignore it by distracting myself with food. And I do seriously get the impulse to eat mentally, not physically. And I eat in excess. One could call me a binger. Because I can go hours and hours and hours without eating. My body doesn't even complain. But then mentally I'll get the urge to eat and I'll stuff my face.

For the record, I am not at all anorexic or bulimic, nor do I worry about my weight in the least. I just had to get that straight.

It's like I don't really care about food, but I love to stuff my face. Compulsive eating.

Ironically, whenever my stomach actually tells me I'm hungry, I don't feel like eating. I love to eat when I'm not hungry and hate to eat when I am.

Probably because, as I said, I don't really care about food, and my body telling me it needs it just irritates me when I feel I have better things to do. But I use food as a comfortable distraction from my Higher Self. And therefore relish it when need be.

But I've also been told that I distract myself with movies, books and puzzles. And I already know I waste my time sleeping a lot. The sleep thing is the exact same as eating. When my body tells me it's tired, I'm like fuck off, let me stay up all night. I really don't like to sleep and I don't like being told that I have to sleep when I'd prefer to do otherwise. And yet, I can binge sleep. To no end. I can sleep for like 14 hours in a row, wake up, and decide to go back to sleep cause I haven't had enough.

And it's mental, not physical. I Want to sleep. Like I want to lose consciousness, avoid consciousness, distract myself from consciousness.

I wanted to have my cake and eat it too. I wanted to be spiritually connected to my Higher Self but ignore the responsibilities. What responsibilities? I can't really say, because I ignore them. I like to feel like I want to do something. I like enthusiasm and positivity. I do not like to feel like I have to do something. I do not like that feeling. It's ironically just the same as the eating and sleeping.

As soon as I'm told I have to do either of them, they lose their appeal. But when I have the free time, I overeat and get an excess amount of sleep habitually.

I like to work on spiritual things. But I don't like to feel like I have to. The enthusiasm is invigorating. Sometimes I'm tired and I can feel the impulse to write or work things out and I'm like NO, I'm sorry, but I just can't do it right now.

I just won't do things when I'm not ready. And I don't yet know why...

In time, I'll figure it out. but I need to figure out why I need to be ready to do things when I'm ready to do things, not before.

But I think what I originally discovered, when I began this entry, is that I'm living the exact surface life that I don't want to live. I probably live like many, many other people in the world. And it's boring and lame. People try to spice it up with drama and stress but that would feel like such a lie, I couldn't even fool myself into experiencing those.

I have this detached feeling to it all. I'm not depressed. Depression is full. I'm just empty. Empty of any negativity, empty of any positivity. Just bored.

But I told myself before I moved in here that I have got to stop distracting myself from writing my book. I realized that I was asking for distractions. I was asking for later shifts at work so that I can spend my whole day either working or sleeping and have no time for my book. And when I did have a little time on those days, I would waste it watching Friends or something.

It's like I don't want to work on it. And I'm asking to not work on it. But I feel like I could only abuse my freedom for so long. I had freedom, living in my parents house. I went to college but that was nothing. I ditched the binds of high school. I didn't have a job. I haven't been a slave to anything for two years.

But all I wanted to do with my freedom is waste it. To shut off my mind, suffocate my power, ignore my responsibilities. And I could only do that for free for so long.

I mean technically, I could still do that if I went to VA with my parents. But I felt that this is where my place was. I asked for this. I asked for more distractions, more surface responsibilities that are just a bore. Paying rent? Wow, what a bore.

I mean, the plus side about getting a job was that I would have money to spend on myself. But I don't have that because I have to pay rent. I'm spending 40 hours a week making coffee so that I can live in a place I don't really like. This whole deal just sucks. I liked the middle man. Someone else making money to pay for the place to live.

Me, not working, just living. My mom said that when she was 18, she loved having her own apartment. And I said, yeah, but that's because you felt oppressed in your mom's house and you relished the freedom that you had in your own place. But me, what am I relishing, the freedom to pay my own bills? That's nothing to be enthusiastic about. I don't feel oppressed in my household. I feel violated sometimes, but not oppressed. My whole life, the main problem was that my mom judged all the "bad things" about the world. And for a long time, I was involved with these evil things she disliked. So, yes, at that point, I felt judged and oppressed.

But I've ditched most of those habits. You know? I don't wear black as much anymore. At least I didn't until I began working and now I'm forced to wear it 40 hours a week, but I'm so bored and lazy when I get home I just sleep in it (it's actually pretty comfy). And so I end up wearing black a lot...

But anyway, I told myself that I needed to return all the books and movies I had out from the library. I currently have two things left. Eldest, the book, which I'm a hundred something pages into, so I want to finish it before I return it. And Bones, which I've already seen, I only checked out so I could watch with James. He was supposed to come today but didn't want to and tomorrow I have off as well but I'm making dinner for my parents and Amelia and having them over. Though it will probably end up being really boring...

And I'm just bored without my distractions. I desperately want to just turn on the TV and watch Friends for ten hours straight. But now that I've called myself on it, I can't go back to doing it. Now that I've realized what I'm doing, I can't pretend that I don't realize it. I know it's wrong and I have to stop.

But I still haven't sat down to write. And I can't write with this attitude. I can't be in the state of mind it takes to write the book when I'm in this state of mind.

But am I willing and ready to take responsibility?

It's like I have this choice before me. This lie, this distraction of a surface life that I had numerous years ago and other people waste lifetimes on. Something that satisfied me a little bit at one time (even though I was miserable). Or that cloud, that bliss, that positive attitude, the optimism and enthusiasm and joy and satisfaction.

Obviously, I'm bored with the first choice. I can't get into it. It's lame and I don't want anything to do with it. I feel as unfeeling and dispassionate as a robot doing the motions.

So obviously I'd prefer the second choice. But, I know that living it half and half was a lie as well. That I was on the verge between being spiritually responsible and living like a robot. Distracting myself mindless whenever I wanted to put aside my spiritual responsibilities and enjoying the pleasures when it suited me.

And right now, all I want to do is eat and read and watch tv and sleep. Anything to stop this.... whatever it is that I'm avoiding. But I can't relax and do any of those things if I know that I'm doing them for this reason.

I was on the verge for two years, and now I feel like the decision has been made. Maybe I made it by not finishing my book. After all, my book was supposed to open doors for me. It was supposed to push me in the spiritual direction I wanted. Manifest a life that reflected my spiritual consciousness.

And I had the summer to do it. It's not like I didn't work on it. But I spent a lot of time not working on it, a lot, a lot MORE time not working on it.

And in doing so, perhaps I hopped off the fence of indecision and I decided to live the robotic surface life. And I realize now that it's not what I wanted. It's not, not, not for me.

But I also realize, with bitter resignation, that it's my fault that things are the way they are. And that I'm the only one who could and can make things the way I originally wanted them to be. But it's not going to be easy. It's not going to fall into place on its own. I'm the one who has to take power, will, responsibility and make it happen. I have to PUSH open the doors that I want to walk through. They don't have automatic sensors like at Walmart.

Well, I mean, they kind of do, if I'm to be honest. But the thing is, Walmart sensors only sense you when you've already walked up to the doors and you're a couple feet away. In other words, you have place yourself before the doors with your own will and power. And then they'll open up for you. And at the moment, I'm turned in the wrong direction, heading through the wrong doors. And I can't expect to head to the place I want to be if I'm walking through the wrong doors. It's nonsensical.

2008-08-28T09:38:00.003-04:00

It's only been ten days since I've last written in here...

I don't feel myself. Too busy. Too on the cusp of life changes. But my life doesn't feel like me. I guess it should. That would probably be healthier.

All in the past month I got a job, got a checking account, signed a year lease to a one bedroom apartment and had sex.

So now I work at Starbucks 40 hours a week and I live on my own.
Well, I'm moving in my furniture today.

That's so weird. I had this dream that my mom said something to... one of my sisters. It might have been Stephanie. But it also might have been Amelia. More likely Stephanie. I can't remember the exact words or meaning. It was like, I would say things and she would have this look on her face, like she was bored or she didn't like it or me or something. And my mom thought it was....? I'm not sure. But she challenged her on it.

I'm so tired of dreaming. I'm so damn sick and tired of dreaming about work. And now apartments. That's all I dream about. I don't even feel like I'm dreaming about people anymore, just me and places. I did dream, last night, that Amelia wanted the couch, here in the house, that I was going to take to my apartment. So we were trying to work it out. But in the dream it folded out into a bed and ours doesn't do that.

I dreamt some shit about a horror movie with Scooby-Doo. And the images it put into my head were terrible. I didn't want them there. And I told the director that he could not use Scooby-Doo again. Cause I guess he was my dog, that's why I was on the set. The director didn't like that, but I can't remember what happened. Just that it didn't get any better.

Please stop. I have to think about these things when I'm awake. It's too much for me to think about them when I'm asleep as well. On my first day off after working at Quiznos, I had like five dreams about working there. I seriously could not stop. I woke up the first time and I was like, oh, I dreamt about Quiznos. And I just kept doing that, waking up and realizing I'd had another dream. I hated it. I didn't like working there and I couldn't stand that when I wasn't working there, I was still working there in my dreams. All of them were different, with different settings and different shit going on. But it all meant the same to me.

What life have I gotten myself into? I miss my life just two months ago. They weren't selling the house, I hadn't had sex in two years, I was writing my book and relaxing all day, not working. I didn't have money to spend, but I didn't have obligations to spend it, I could do what I wanted when I wanted - go anywhere at any time, for any amount of time. Hang out with friends whenever I wanted. I wasn't using my alarm clock.

Even college was a lot different than this. A lot better. I mean, I was bored. But I was intellectually stimulated. I mean, I felt that I was bored intellectually, but I was using my brain in any case. Do you know what I mean? Intelligence is not in any way shape or form used while I'm making Frappachinos. Memory maybe and a little common sense.

I miss having my intellect stimulated. I miss thinking. I miss understanding. What is there to understand about Starbucks? I miss having those 40 hours for myself, instead of for Starbucks. I get home from Starbucks and I'm so tired, all I can do is sleep and then wake up again and go to Starbucks. Even on my day off, like today, I couldn't stay up all night because I was just too exhausted.

In college, I felt that what I was being taught was not up to par with my standards of wisdom. It was always lacking. But I was always happy to try to fill in the missing pieces, to add my own interpretations and perceptions and wisdom to the puzzle.

There is no puzzle right now. It's not even relevant. And partly I feel guilty. Because I had so much time to myself the past two years, and I didn't use it as much as I should have. I didn't really WORK on my book. I only did it when it suited me. I never pushed myself to make it happen. And I told myself that part of it was because it was a self-discovery, a discovery about philosophy and psychology as well. And it hadn't been fully discovered, (or ever will be, incidentally). What I mean is, I have to take it a step at a time. And I don't think that two years ago, I was ready to know what I know now.

Maybe I was, though. Not two years ago, but definitely this summer. I also told myself that I needed to work on my people issues before I finished my book. And now that I've worked on register, and had coworkers and managers and a landlord, I have worked with people. But I'm sick of it. I'm sick of seeing their faces. So blank and empty.

They're not psychological to me. I mean, I can't feel it or see it. I see faces. I want to understand people, not see their faces. I want to understand me, not see their faces. When I'm alone, I'm constantly picturing myself in an imaginative mirror. But instead of seeing my face, I see my presentation of myself. I see how my actions and expressions reflect my psychology and I trace back those lines to my subconscious - to areas I wouldn't even notice or consider otherwise.

But here's the thing, complaining isn't productive. During those 40 hours of free time I usually have, I fully believe that life is not simply how it's meant to be, but that it simply is how it is. Meaning, it's not always perfect, or even right. But it does make sense. It's not an accident or a random occurrence.

So I can't accept that this is right for me. But I can accept that this is happening because of a reason. That it wouldn't happen if it didn't fit into me. Not the best of me, but the worst of me. Because we always get what we deserve. Not just karmically, but we get what we're subconsciously asking for.

Consciously, I can't imagine asking for this. But subconsciously, I know that I can't just quit and move to VA with my parents. I could do that, I could go back to my freedom and lack of responsibilities. But I asked for this. I haven't yet discovered why, but I did ask for it.

I was even directly told by The Masters to move to VA. And I said no. Even consciously I said no. I said no, knowing that I would have to go back to Starbucks for eight hours the next day.

When I pictured my life, I pictured more freedom to be me. I mean, an eight hour job is completely normal. But that also happens in the first eight hours of the day. Whereas mine happens right there in the day time. Not the morning, not the night. But the day time. I don't see Isis at all, unless I say hi to her for five minutes at 9 AM.

I get back and I could enjoy the night, I usually do, but as I said, I'm so tired, I have to sleep. I must have gone to sleep at 2 last night, I was stretching it as much as I could. I got seven hours of sleep and my eyes still hurt. I'm still tired. There's no way that I can enjoy the morning. Which is my problem.

I can't ask them to put me on an earlier shift. I could go in to work at 5AM and get out of there at 1. And then I have the rest of the day for myself. But how can I do that to myself? How can I tell myself to go to bed at 9 so that I can wake up at 4AM? I mean, wow, that's torture in all senses of the word. Okay, maybe not all. But it's torture nevertheless.

And that's the thing, I'm really just screwing myself. And I feel guilty because the life that I pictured, with no responsibilities, I had. And I didn't do much. I didn't seize the day and use the time I had to finish my book. I just jacked off and let it fly by, thinking I'd always have it. I didn't think that my job would so consume me.

But maybe it's consuming me for a reason as well. I mean, I won't ask for an earlier shift. And I'm dead tired when I get home. Though that's not strange, because I was like that after school as well. But only on Tuesdays was it bad. I mean, I'd want to go to sleep at 10PM every night, regardless. But on Tuesdays I was gone for nine hours. The other days I had lots of time.

But I mean, how tired you are is also psychological. It's not just your body's persuasions. Why would my body ask for ten hours of sleep? Physically my body doesn't even ache from working anymore, now that I'm out of Quiznos. Because psychologically, I didn't want to work at Quiznos, so my feet hurt in an expression of that.

I enjoy working at Starbucks. I enjoy spending time there. But not 40 hours a week. Ten hours a week might be good. But I can't pay my $750 rent on 10 hours a week. I only have a little bit left over after 40 hours.

...

Even now, what little time I have, when I'm not exhausted, I spend watching TV. I should stop that. I should return all my books and movies. So that I have no choice but to write and think when I get home.

And I also want to settle into it. Settle into my new apartment, my new responsibilities. I'm on the cusp right now and it's difficult to make something of a cusp. I didn't expect to move out for a couple of months, really.

My parents have set a date for Oct 15, Isis's birthday, incidentally.. with the people who are moving in here. And they keep going to VA to look at a house they want to buy down there. But I looked at apartments in August.. for Oct. That was stupid of me. Because obviously, people who are ready to rent, are putting their apartments up to get them rented by Sept 1. And that's what my landlord told me, that she had to get it rented by Sept 1st. I was hoping to save up a couple months of money first. My mom helped me out a lot. And when I say a lot, I mean $1200. It's like, I have the money, but I don't because they hold my pay for a week, and my "month" of work doesn't begin on the first. If it did, I wouldn't get the pay until the 14th, anyway.

So I began on like the 9th of August. So my "month" of working will probably end on the 11th of Sept. So if my rent is due at the first of the month, and I don't get it all until two weeks into the month, then I need to stay ahead. Which, would have happened if I had had an extra month of working. Then I would have had like $1700 saved up. And taking out $750 (or whatever it would have been, since it probably would have been another apartment, and probably cheaper, because I made the mistake of falling in love with the apartment and refusing to look elsewhere, and just sucking up the price) out of that, and earning another $900 in Oct, would have left me set for how things were going. See what I'm saying? I would have always had more.

Security would have put me behind, of course. But I would have asked my mom to help me with that.

So one might be curious to know why I purposely (at least purposely subconsciously) put myself in this situation. Why. Why did I make things harder for myself. I thought my life was going to be easy.

And it's not hard so far, just annoying. But that's because I have my mom. If I didn't, um, I'd be screwed. I simply couldn't have said yes to that apartment if not for my mom. I wouldn't have any furniture if not for my mom's generosity. She's giving me so much.

And I'm so willing to take it. Perhaps Amelia doesn't think she deserves to take it.

Wait a minute, I thought I was the one who thought I didn't deserve these things????

I guess when it comes to material objects, I do think I deserve them. I'm used to being rich (in past lives) and I can feel myself wanting to live that way again. Although, I can also imagine living poor in past lives as well, because it's like I'm used to living rich but I have a certain detachment to material things and money, like I don't want to get involved - oh wait, that probably means I was rich too.

I think the income earners are very hungry for money, but the people who live off of them, are not. Because they've always had it, and they don't worry about it. They just flaunt it. People who don't have money, always worry about it, so they're obsessed with it. So I probably wasn't the income earner in a past life, I was probably the wife or the daughter or the son or someone who could just enjoy the money...

And even so, people who don't have money, want it, and want all the things that they're missing out on. Generally speaking. People who are rich, are also obsessed with material things, but perhaps, in another life, I realized that they didn't mean very much to me. Or maybe just in this life, I realized from living with my mom, that they didn't mean much to me.

I personally think I have a lot of classy stuff, though. Not classy in comparison to someone who is rich. But I mean, I have enough of what I value in material things. And I'm not greedy for more. I think that's what I lack.

I lack ambition to get things as well. Like, I'll easily accept whatever my mom gives me for free or whatever I can get cheap at a yard sale. But hmm.. I don't know. I probably don't want to spend money from being with my mom. It's hard to say, why exactly I'm detached from business transactions.

... I have to start moving in my furniture...

2008-08-19T02:10:00.000-04:00

I find it hard to get a grip on reality lately. I just do not know what's what.

2008-08-19T02:06:00.002-04:00

[01:29] IAMSpartacus117: I could have gone to bed fucking happy and content today.
[01:30] IAMSpartacus117: but you had to be you.
[01:38] IAMSpartacus117: I enjoy being your friend. and I'm going to miss you when we're not friends. but I can't do this on my own. I can't be friends with your apathy.
[01:38] IAMSpartacus117: I have nothing.
[01:39] IAMSpartacus117: You've never given me the slightest idea that you in any way shape of form enjoy my company, or even like me or respect me or find anything about me remotely pleasing.
[01:40] IAMSpartacus117: you're apathetic about me.
[01:41] IAMSpartacus117: All I know is that at any second you could suddenly decide that you're bored or I'm too annoying and go back to ignoring me for a year.
[01:41] IAMSpartacus117: It's not a friendship.
[01:41] IAMSpartacus117: what we have.
[01:42] IAMSpartacus117: if you had it your way, we'd have nothing.
[01:42] IAMSpartacus117: I just fill in the blanks.
[01:42] IAMSpartacus117: and make it look like something.
[01:42] IAMSpartacus117: I don't deserve such a shitty friend as you.
[01:43] IAMSpartacus117: I deserve someone who is willing to express that they give a shit about me.
[01:43] IAMSpartacus117: I deserve someone who gives a shit about me.
[01:47] IAMSpartacus117: I deserve someone who likes me. You'd think I wouldn't have to explain the requirement to a friend.
[01:48] IAMSpartacus117: So if you can't like me. I'm not going to be your friend.
[01:51] IAMSpartacus117: I'm tired of you. Tired of all you stupid fucking issues. That I forgive you for on a daily basis. I empathize. I know them well. I know what it feels like to have some of the issues you have. But I'm sacrificing way too much, allowing you to be way under the bar.
[01:51] IAMSpartacus117: Always expecting so damn little of you.
[01:52] IAMSpartacus117: Because I honestly believe that you have little to give, because of your issues. If you at all understand what I'm talking about.
[01:52] IAMSpartacus117: But if you can't get over them enough to express the smallest thingest, you don't fucking deserve friends.
[01:52] IAMSpartacus117: You deserve to be alone.
[01:54] IAMSpartacus117: It's awesome, when I feel like we're connecting.
[01:54] IAMSpartacus117: And I guess, I felt like even if you thought we were connecting too, you wouldn't say anything.
[01:55] IAMSpartacus117: But if you didn't feel like we were connecting, you also wouldn't say anything. so how am I to know if it makes a damn bit of difference to you?
[01:56] IAMSpartacus117: I guess if calling me a slut is your way of expressing fondness.
[01:58] IAMSpartacus117: and I desperately miss the simpler times. 20 minutes ago. when I was holding back from saying anything to you. when I refused to ask anything of you. Because I feel like now that I have, well, you're not going to give it to me. Why should you give a damn about me? Who am I to you? What benefit do I bring to your little life?
[01:58] IAMSpartacus117: what benefit does anybody bring to your little life?
[01:59] IAMSpartacus117: But I can't take it back.
[01:59] IAMSpartacus117: I can't go back to pretending like I'm not tortured by how little I mean to you.
[01:59] IAMSpartacus117: sorry, how NOTHING I mean to you.
[01:59] IAMSpartacus117: little would be nice.
[02:02] IAMSpartacus117: If you don't want to be my friend. fine. fuck off.
[02:02] IAMSpartacus117: But if you do want to be my friend. you have to tell me. Cause I'm not going to waste my time on someone who doesn't even like me. Who doesn't even enjoy being around me.
[02:03] IAMSpartacus117: That's one of the stupidest things I could do.
[02:03] IAMSpartacus117: And I'm such an intelligent person.
[02:05] IAMSpartacus117: So I'm going to go back to reading my book, cause it's due tomorrow. And I'm not going to talk to you not tomorrow, not the next day until you tell me that you care. And if you can't do that, then I guess you don't get to see me in my awesome plaid skirt.
[02:06] IAMSpartacus117: have a blast playing WOW.
[02:06] IAMSpartacus117: bye.

2008-08-18T19:22:00.002-04:00

This is an important thing to realize about myself. I'm afraid to want. I'm afraid to hope for something I won't get. To not deserve to get what I want. I do everything I can to avoid wanting something.

For instance, I want unrealistic things. I want to have summer all year round. I want it to be green and rainy all year round.

NY winters are probably not going to go away just for me. That's what I believe. And that same mindset is what keeps me from wanting other things. I feel like people won't cater to my needs. That the universe won't cater to my needs. I feel like even if I want something, I'm not going to get it because my own damn psychology won't cater to my needs.

And it's slightly realistic, of course. There's a balance. But it's also stemmed from fear more than from reality. I fear hoping and dreaming and expecting. I fear that nothing and no one will support me or give me what I deserve - because I fear that I deserve nothing.

Why do I feel like I don't deserve to be taken care of?

Just today, in the shower I think.. I told myself I was never going to ask James out.

My mom told me today to move to Virginia with her. And the first thing I thought was, I don't want to leave James. Not a single other thing came to mind. Not even Isis, jeezus. All I could thing was, I don't want to leave James.

What do I want from my life? I clearly want James. And yet I have strongly decided against asking him out. I have strongly decided that the very thing I want I will NOT ask for. Why would I do that to myself?

I want things to fall into place. I don't want to go looking for lifestyle choices. I know what I don't want, but I feel like the best thing to do is to be open to what I do want, to let someone else choose it for me.

And in part, this was realistic of me. Because it stemmed from my ego always wanting irrational, unhealthy things. And I knew that I had to understand that what was best for me was not always what the ego wanted. But there again, the only time I ever expressed what I wanted, I gave in to believing that I didn't deserve it because it was my ego talking.

And yes, my ego doesn't deserve to get what it wants. It's a parasite. But I deserve to get what I want. I deserve the right to decide what I want. I deserve the faith, my own faith, that I can unify my will with my higher self and make appropriate decisions. But my will has to believe in it, has to will it, has to manifest it. I can't wait for my higher self to hand it to me on a plate.

In other words, it was an X-factor. A variable. I didn't know what I wanted, so I was just waiting for X to be replaced with something tangible. But it won't be replaced with anything tangible unless I make it happen. And I can't make it happen unless I know what I want. So I have to stop making excuses for not deserving things, I have to stop telling myself NOT to will anything to happen. I have to believe that I do have the power to will what I want, I do have the right to want something in the first place.

I even go as far as to say I don't want something. I say, I want James. And then I think, well, why don't I ask him out? Why don't I try to get what I want? And then I tell myself, well, I mean, I don't want him THAT bad. What really do I want? Probably not him. Maybe just some hanging out and some kissing, and I can get that without dating him. So I don't really need to make anything happen that hasn't already happened.

I talk myself out of wanting what I want just so I have an excuse not to make it happen. Because if I really wanted James that bad, why wouldn't I risk asking him out? What the fuck could happen? A slight embarrassment at the worst.

I keep saying that I'll wait for it to fall in place. I'll wait for us to connect so much so that dating will be the only logical next step. I tell myself that I've first got to make out with him, because then I can open up to him and get him to open up to me, establish an emotional connection with him. It all happens from kissing. That's why we haven't kissed, because we're too afraid of breaching that emotional connection.

But our lips aren't going to accidentally fall on each other. Hell, our lips have been essentially against each other for like a solid hour. And we didn't kiss. This was three years ago. It's not going to turn into kissing on accident. One of us has to will it. And it's not going to be James. Jeezus, I can't expect to depend on him. He does not act on his desires. I so wish he would. lol. But there I go hoping for the impossible...

No, I can't even expect the kissing to fall into place. I have to make a kiss happen. And I keep on fucking making excuses. I am so afraid to make that willful action. I am always afraid to try to do anything when it involves another person. Afraid that I don't deserve their blessing.

I mean, think of my book. Think of the fact that I want to help people. That's what I want to do with my life. But simultaneously, I don't want to even connect with people. How can I establish anything, any helping relationship if I don't want to be anywhere near people. I'm so afraid to connect with people. Yes, I have overcome my fear of strangers. I'm better about strangers. Better at communicating with them. But that does not mean that I connect with them. That's the whole point, I can deal with them as they are, strangers.

I'm so good at flirting with guys. But as soon as they get into this invisible zone of closeness, emotional closeness, I just turn cold. I don't know how to act or react. That guy I like at work, came and sat and talked to me on my break.

I just feel dried up. Like there was no warmth on my part, no enthusiasm, no eagerness, no happiness. I feel awkward. I feel like I had nothing to offer him because I was so dried up. But maybe I feel like that in the first place.

You should see me with James. I'm like extremely easy going when it comes to talking to him. Online or in person, I can gracefully flirt and interact. But he's like a freakin turtle in his shell. And I like that. I realized last night that it's, for me, almost like I'm talking to myself. I'm comfortable. I don't expect that he enjoys sitting there listening to me ramble. But because he's so quiet, I do feel like he's just an audience, and I'm the only one I'm really interacting with. And in a sense, I am.

That's why when he actually interacts with me, I freeze up. Like when he came to pick me up to go to his house for the weekend, just... the action of planning something with him, getting a bag of stuff ready and heading out with him was just too personal. It made me feel incredibly awkward. Like I didn't belong there, I didn't belong or deserve to plan something with him, to be a part of his life, to have him a part of mine.

I felt extremely uneasy for the first ten minutes. I feel like my responses just didn't fit in place. It took me a while. And I think that I felt like I was talking to him, instead of just talking to myself while he watched. I suppose, that's what I'm used to with my journal. I talk to people, but I'm not really talking to them, I'm talking to myself first and foremost, and they're just listening in on my conversation. I have no problem having them listen in. I have no secrets to hide, really. But to establish a direct connection, to be one on one.. scares the hell out of me. Like how I used to not be able to make eye contact very well.

And now I can, but again, it's that stranger thing. It's, I've balanced a way of talking to people but keeping this big gap in between me and them, a gap of safety, like they have to jump over a ravine to touch me so I must be safe.

It was like that again when James came over the other day. I don't know why. He was really cute and talkative. And I was just like.. stunted? Like my communication didn't flow well with his. My sentences were out of place. It felt really awkward for me. Almost like, I feel this closeness and I run from it. I freeze or I retract and I almost feel like I'm betraying them. Betraying their effort, pushing them away, rejecting their warmth. Like the actual awkwardness comes from that in between place. Where I can no longer expect to be a stranger, but I fear being anything more. So I withdraw in a way that keeps me from establishing a warm connection with them, but I also have to hold back from becoming a stranger, because we've already come too far.

Yet, I feel guilty because I did retract when I wasn't supposed to. I did withdraw when I should have openly shared my warmth and heart with them.

I mean, the weekend was great. It was very comfortable and easy and I felt pretty close to him. But I think I've always felt like James doesn't want to be around me. I've always felt like he'd rather be somewhere else, that he doesn't have any respect or fondness for my personality. Like I'm nothing to him. It's not that I've gotten that impression from him, per se. It's that I felt a certain comfort in knowing I didn't have to expect anything more from him.

To feel like James actually wants to see me, talk to me, enjoy me.. that scares me. We've hung out a lot but it was so depersonalized. You can sit and enjoy a movie with anyone. Because you concentrate on the movie. And I enjoyed playing cards because I could watch him play, admire him from a distance. It's never been about us. Even the weekend at his house, it was about our bodies. We cuddle, but it's about our bodies, not us.

I feel awkward bonding with my family. Bonding with my parents or Amelia or any of the other siblings. I feel awkward bonding with friends. It's almost like ever since I moved here, I've permanently detached myself from everybody. Like I never gained a best friend. I haven't had a best friend for like five years. I never wanted to be anybody else's best friend. Most of the people I was romantically involved with had boyfriends or girlfriends - from the guys online to Shannon, to guys I fell for here like John or Dave. James hasn't had a gf, but he's been in love with her, so it was the same. Like I want to avoid being the focus of anyone's affection. I don't want a direct connection. I want people who don't want a direct connection with me.

It wasn't like that with Mike, of course. That was the most direct connection I've ever had. But as to why that happened, I couldn't begin to guess. It seems random and out of place.

There's an outer image that represents you and interacts with people. I'm fine with that. That's what I do with James. I use my outer image. Not my looks, but the Melissa that paints a representative picture of who I am inside. Although that's a very vague thing to say - who I am inside. But I'm not going to even open up that door. In any case, I can let people in my head. Clearly, I have no problem keeping secrets. I'm not ashamed of what's in my head. But I can't let anyone touch it. I'm fine being alone, but I can't allow myself to express my desire to interact with people.

Ugh, I don't even know what I'm explaining, it's all began to jumble in my head. I just know that I can let people listen to the real me. I can let them observe it, realize it. But I can't express it to them. I'm afraid to express it. I can talk about it, I can feel it and explain how I feel. But I'm afraid to express it. I'm afraid to be me towards someone. Afraid, I suppose, of getting what I feel I deserve. Which is nothing. I don't feel that I deserve to express myself and be enjoyed. Amelia and Loren and James and other people, they make it kind of a joke - I talk too much. And nobody really cares to hear what I have to say. But I never shut up.

Well, I've made that my own joke with James. It's like, I'm used to believing that nobody really cares about my expression. I express it anyway, for me. I'm used to saying, you don't like it? well fuck you. I like it.

But I find it hard to believe that I could actually find someone who liked my expression. I've always believed it to be a nuisance, more than anything. Like people are just doing me a favor by letting me do my thing in their presence, even though they couldn't care less.

This is why I chose writing my book. I chose to not talk to people I know about this stuff. I chose to impersonally give myself a blank sheet, where I could, again, talk to myself, express myself, to no one in particular, so that I could expect no one in particular to connect with my expression. So that there was, again, that ravine. That no one could cross.

I want to help people... from a distance.

Even when I do connect with people. I feel like I have to say, what the fuck do I do with this? Like there's this foreign obtrusive object sitting in my face and I'm like - well, I'll let it hang out for a while but then I'm getting rid of it. It's unnatural for me to connect with people, to establish a warmth, a feeling of closeness - to establish a relationship/friendship. The concept seems illogical to me. It just doesn't make sense. I can't make it make sense. It just doesn't seem natural.

I have to meditate on what I want. Let it sink in. I have to know that I deserve to get what I want, and I better start willing it to happen. Cause my parents are moving fast.

2008-08-17T22:43:00.002-04:00

[22:52] PoobTheBoob: tell me a story
[22:52] IAMSpartacus117: okay.
[22:52] IAMSpartacus117: the only reason this happened is because I haven't been able to deal with my anger lately... because of the stress of working and my parents moving. like waking up after only four hours and going to sleep in my car.
[22:53] IAMSpartacus117: so I was driving to work and this guy pulled out and cut me off. and I instantly decided to punish him by tailing him, which I usually don't do. And never thought I would do, because it's dangerous for like ten reasons, to instigate road rage.
[22:53] IAMSpartacus117: but I wanted to punish him.
[22:54] IAMSpartacus117: so he taps his breaks. I tap my breaks. He put on his breaks harder and more sudden and I did the same, but I kept on his ass.
[22:54] IAMSpartacus117: and he slowed down and finally stopped all the way and got out of his car and came over and pointed his big fat finger (even though he wasn't fat) at my window and told me to get off his ass or he would call the cops.
[22:55] IAMSpartacus117: So I rolled down my window and he put his finger in my face and said it again and I told him to go ahead, so I could tell the cops how he cut me off.
[22:55] IAMSpartacus117: And thankfully, he didn't do much else. I told him to pull over and let me pass. he told me to go ahead and pass illegally in a no passing zone. and I told him to Pull Over And Let Me Pass. So he got in his car and he pulled over and I zoomed ahead.
[22:56] IAMSpartacus117: Oh I forgot to say that the only reason I did it is because he was going under the speed limit and I was in a hurry. I don't mind when people cut me off. I really don't. But when they cut me off and THEN go under the speed limit. And there's a no passing zone. That drives me nuts. If you're in such a hurry that you can't wait five seconds for me to pass, you must be in such a hurry that you can at least go the speed limit.
[22:57] IAMSpartacus117: So after I saw that he was going only 50 in a 55. :p then I started tailing him.
[22:57] IAMSpartacus117: He looked about 40 and I think he was gay, by the sound of his voice.
[22:59] IAMSpartacus117: I better not tell Amelia and Loren about that story. It'll only fuel their "melissa is the worst driver ever" campaign.
[23:00] PoobTheBoob: that sht happens to me all the time
[23:00] PoobTheBoob: so annoying
[23:01] IAMSpartacus117: people pulling over and yelling at you? or cutting you off and then going 15 under the speed limit?
[23:01] PoobTheBoob: cutting me off then goin slow
[23:01] IAMSpartacus117: yeah. it sucks really bad.
[23:03] IAMSpartacus117: my mom selling the house is really stressing me out.
[23:03] IAMSpartacus117: when we moved from Utah, that was the absolute worst time in my life.
[23:05] IAMSpartacus117: like it's not so much the fact that she's doing it in the first place. It's the way she does it. the things she does. Like cleaning my room and taking all the stuff I use and putting it in the bathroom or the attic. Instead of leaving it right there. Like someone's not going to buy the house because there's a bottle of lotion on my damn table.
[23:05] IAMSpartacus117: The table my mirror was sitting on broke because the mirror fell because they moved it to put that dresser in my room.
[23:06] IAMSpartacus117: I can't find my yum yum cups, and that's their fault for moving things out of my old room and putting them God knows where. even though that happened a year ago. I'm thinking about how when I move half of the things I expected to still have will be thrown away because my mom always does that behind my back.
[23:06] IAMSpartacus117: this shit combined with working on my feet for eight hours a day, is just making me almost completely incapable of keeping my equilibrium.
[23:08] PoobTheBoob: life sucks
[23:09] IAMSpartacus117: that's the thing. It usually doesn't for me. I'm so optimistic, positive, happy, satisfied. I have problems, but I overcome them.
[23:09] IAMSpartacus117: LIfe is good for me.
[23:10] IAMSpartacus117: But making stupid quiznos subs all day and dealing with my INSANE, ILLOGICAL mom is just not working for me.
[23:10] IAMSpartacus117: even though I'm done with that for now.
[23:10] IAMSpartacus117: quiznos.
[23:10] IAMSpartacus117: I start Starbucks on Tuesday.
[23:11] IAMSpartacus117: To be honest, I'm going to miss Quiznos. It was getting fun, especially since I finally know how to do things and where everything is.
[23:11] IAMSpartacus117: But oh well.
[23:12] IAMSpartacus117: I had just started to flirt with the cute Bulgarians from the pizza place.
[23:12] IAMSpartacus117: now I'll never see them.
[23:12] IAMSpartacus117: and they go back to Bulgaria soon, I think.
[23:13] IAMSpartacus117: you probably haven't, but have you ever heard of Jon and Justin Strata? from c-a?
[23:13] IAMSpartacus117: they're twins.
[23:13] PoobTheBoob: nope
[23:14] IAMSpartacus117: oh.
[23:15] IAMSpartacus117: well one of them works in quiznos and the other works in starbucks.
[23:16] IAMSpartacus117: Jon is the one I've been working with. he's kind of a jerk. he was being mean to me today. Like not mean, mean. But mean as in he was giving me shit and I was giving him shit. But it was still shit. So I was making subs and he was bitching about them so I told him to stop standing there smug and to help me. And he said he didn't know what smug meant and I told him I didn't have time to explain it to him, so he told me to go on break and right down the definition for him. So I did.
[23:16] IAMSpartacus117: and gave it to him.
[23:16] IAMSpartacus117: Though he probably didn't read it.
[23:16] IAMSpartacus117: he was a little bit nicer to me after that. Not nice, just, he stopped the meanness.
[23:17] IAMSpartacus117: In any case, from what I've seen, his brother is a little bit nicer.
[23:17] IAMSpartacus117: One of the girls at Starbucks even said so when I told her Jon threatened to make me cry because I put bacon on one of the sandwiches that it wasn't supposed to be on.
[23:18] IAMSpartacus117: So I'm kind of glad to be dealing with Justin instead of Jon.
[23:18] IAMSpartacus117: He's a superviser, so he gets to boss me around a bit.
[23:21] IAMSpartacus117: he even wears a white shirt and Jon wears a black shirt.
[23:21] IAMSpartacus117: I think that says a lot :p
[23:21] IAMSpartacus117: Jon is the evil twin.

[23:46] IAMSpartacus117: I'm going to watch James Bond. :)
[23:47] IAMSpartacus117: it soothes me.
[23:47] PoobTheBoob: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii bet
[23:47] IAMSpartacus117: no, it really does. it's very simple, uncomplicated, unemotional.
[23:47] IAMSpartacus117: dependable.
[23:48] IAMSpartacus117: he kills people and it's not big deal. he sleeps around and it's no big deal. he gets all the bad guys in the end.
[23:48] IAMSpartacus117: realistically, he's a shitty person. but there's something simple, uncomplicated, unemotional, dependable and thus, soothing about it.

[22:18] IAMSpartacus117: I don't like it when I can tell that my perception of reality is biased.
[22:19] IAMSpartacus117: Like, whenever I like a guy, I always put him on a pedestal, when he doesn't deserve it. like Mike. Jeezus, how could I have ever admired him.
[22:19] IAMSpartacus117: Like, when I want someone, I make myself believe things so that wanting them makes sense.
[22:20] IAMSpartacus117: and when I do it, I always have a grand take on it. like soul mates and meant to be and just huge things of that nature, destiny and all that crap.
[22:20] IAMSpartacus117: I always put a deep, spiritual spin on it.
[22:20] IAMSpartacus117: when it probably doesn't deserve it.
[22:21] IAMSpartacus117: Personally, I think we all do it, with everything, in huge ways and small ways. we all spin reality to believe what we need to believe.
[22:22] IAMSpartacus117: but it irritates me that I can simultaneously do it and realize I'm doing it. because then I get to see how foolish I am.
[22:23] IAMSpartacus117: and I hate how my sense of worth is all about being special.
[22:23] IAMSpartacus117: I think I'm extremely special. I really do. I'm completely full of myself.
[22:24] IAMSpartacus117: I skipped a grade. I find myself specially beautiful. a rarity for my wisdom and intelligence.
[22:25] IAMSpartacus117: I, myself, put my own qualities on a pedestal, which is fine because I'm happy to be what I admire. But I'm doubly full of myself because I am all those qualities that I admire. like I'm special for choosing to be that way, amazing, brilliant.
[22:25] IAMSpartacus117: the only reason I do it is because I have no other defined self worth. and I need something. because it sucks to hate myself.
[22:26] IAMSpartacus117: but being proud of myself doesn't give me a solid, healthy self worth. it's just shit.
[22:26] IAMSpartacus117: it gives me mood swings of self worth.
[22:27] IAMSpartacus117: if I look beautiful, I love myself. but if I get a sense of any of my flaws I throw them out of proportion and I loathe myself.
[22:27] IAMSpartacus117: if I'm not the most intelligent person around I feel empty. like I'm nothing without my "special" status.
[22:28] IAMSpartacus117: In some ways I do stand out, at least from the people I know. but I don't want that to be my defined self worth.
[22:29] IAMSpartacus117: I don't want to put the fact that I stand out as a magnificent quality, so that I focus on it and blow it out of proportion so that I'll have something to hang on to.
[22:30] IAMSpartacus117: I don't want to need other people to be lowly, dense, ugly, horrible etc just to contrast all my good qualities.
[22:31] IAMSpartacus117: I wouldn't usually talk to you like this. I try not to get too deep with "average people"... in other words, almost every single person I know, literally probably every teenager I know.
[22:31] IAMSpartacus117: But fuck my arrogance.
[22:31] IAMSpartacus117: perhaps there are lots of people who can and care to see under the surface.
[22:31] IAMSpartacus117: I'm tired of wanting to be the only one.
Session Close (PoobTheBoob): Sun Aug 17 22:32:44 2008

Session Start (IAMSpartacus117:PoobTheBoob): Sun Aug 17 22:35:19 2008
[22:35] IAMSpartacus117: you have to stop being so quiet.
[22:36] IAMSpartacus117: people who like to talk always assume that people who don't like to talk automatically like to listen.
[22:36] IAMSpartacus117: not that I particularly believe you to enjoy listening to me talk. just the opposite. but when you don't talk I take that as an invitation to ramble. like you're my diary.
[22:36] IAMSpartacus117: if you emote more, express yourself more, I'll say less.
[22:37] IAMSpartacus117: it's almost like I forget your individuality, and thus feel comfortable. so essentially, it's like having a conversation with myself in your presence.
[22:37] IAMSpartacus117: but if I sense your personality more, I'll be intimidated and have less to say.
[22:38] IAMSpartacus117: cause I'm afraid to connect with people.
[22:39] IAMSpartacus117: but I guess you have nothing to say.
[22:39] IAMSpartacus117: you probably don't like connecting with people either... judging by your friendship choices, or lack thereof.

2008-08-13T22:32:00.003-04:00

Wow. I can't type with two bandaids and a finger condom on my pinkie. Wait, just kidding, I can still type.

There's this guy at work. He's Bulgarian? Or something. He doesn't work with me, he works in another place. I asked him for a fork the other day on my break.

I like him. I know zero about him. Haven't said more than 20 words to him. But I like him. Weird, how you can single somebody out. Understandable if it's purely for looks. But it's not.

I think... just the way he said those ten words to me and looked at me then and today... it makes me feel more - something - than James has ever, in all the time that I've known him.

Sometimes you compromise yourself, I guess. And you feel that it's worth it. But when it comes down to it, you really don't want someone you have to beg for. You want someone who appreciates you, likes you, wants you. James doesn't at all. He's so apathetic about me. Even when I feel close to him, I still don't feel that he likes me.

I feel like this guy at work appreciates me ten times more than James just by making eye contact with the guy for like 7 seconds.

Is that sad or what? It's that type of feeling that you don't forget. Ha. Sometimes that's all it comes down to. Of all the people there, I'm interested in him, just because of the way it makes me feel when he looks at me. The other guys, the pizza guys, have not been interested at all. Which makes them boring to me.

It's exciting to be wanted.

I can't really say that this guy from RR wants me, but whatever it is that I read in his eyes, I liked it.

He's very, very tall.

I wish I could wear my hair down at work. It's self-obsessed, I know. I look beautiful with my hair down, because hair is beautiful to me. It brings out the femininity and loveliness in my features. I look rather plain with my hair up. Not ugly, just plain, in my opinion. But as I said, I'm self-obsessed and narcissistic. And it gives me great pleasure to see that sparkle - something alluring that draws people in - in my face. I don't have that when my hair is up and I'm very unsatisfied without it.

But naturally, people don't want long golden hair in their sandwiches. I can almost understand. Almost.

I'm going to the dark side. I don't want to live to regret it.

Really all I mean is that I'm going to Starbucks. :p but everybody keeps warning me that it's unpleasant, drama and assholes and attitude. I'm not even talking about the customers.

I want to work at the pizza place. I'm unsatisfied everywhere, of course. But the pizza place seems like the nicest environment. I can't work there, though. Destiny works there. I can't work there anyway because my managers will be like wtf if I keep changing my mind. I did think about working at the travel mart. See what I mean? I can't make up my mind. But that's because, as I said, I'd really rather not be any of the places.

I really don't want to go to Starbucks, now. Too dim, those stripes kill me. But I want the beautiful green apron. I like quiznos but the things I don't like about it I'm so excited to be rid of. At least I know for certain that I don't want to work at RR. But that's where that guy works... :p

I wish I could love people more. And let people love me more.

It does bring me a social confidence. Being around people. A work environment does give you a sense of family, a sense of having a household right there on the premises. For me, it gives me a sense of belonging. When I feel out of place, I can't have social confidence. But I work there, I've been hired, I have a uniform, I have duties. That gives me a security that helps me open up and be happier, feel safer.

My hair looks yellow in the quiznos lights. Yellow. Not blonde. Not gray. Not dirty blonde. Not brown. Not white blonde. Yellow. It is the pure color of yellow straw. With perhaps a little more shimmer. But you can never tell cause I always have it in one long braid.

I miss that guy from work. I've spent like a total of one minute in his presence but I thoroughly enjoyed that one minute and I'd like to try another minute or two. I don't know that I will, being in Starbucks. *sigh*. Fucking decisions...

2008-08-11T12:04:00.003-04:00

My period is early. Well technically, it's not text book early. Text book three days late. But I'm not text book and I never have been and it's a week and a half early for me. But hormone regulation changes when there are differences. Like working on my feet for eight hours straight the past three days. More stress, more adrenaline, more excitement, more physical strain.

More hormones.

I better get ready to go out and make more stress, adrenaline, excitement, physical strain and hormones.

James called me a bitch..
Oh well. Rome wasn't built in a day.

Now I'm not going to kiss him because I'm on my period. There is always a fucking excuse. Every single time. Damnet. I should do it anyway, but I can't do that to myself.

I have to stop wasting time pouting though. Otherwise I'll be late and that will make things more miserable than they already are.

2008-08-11T02:36:00.004-04:00

James is no longer such a mystery to me. I understand him more. I understand why he ditched me. I understand why he's stuck on Liz. I understand why he won't date. I understand why he's shy. I don't understand why he's angry, but I also didn't realize he was angry until recently. It's suppressed right now. I do understand why he's cruel and abusive towards people. Cause he doesn't really mean it. If he did, I would be hurt. He says mean things. But doesn't say what mean things he actually believes. Like he'll tell me I'm ugly. But if he really thought I was ugly, he wouldn't tell me. He's simultaneously afraid to be in the awkwardness of being held responsible for hurting people, at the same time that he tries to hurt people in order to exert power.

But as I said, he doesn't do it maliciously. He calls me a slut, but he knows that I know that there's no reason he should think so.

analogy about the fear of being put in a situation that you cannot handle. a situation where you will be powerless to a monster or a murderer. you would not be fearful if you were invincible or immortal. if you could not feel pain. but emotional pain is far more traumatizing because we identify with the emotional body. we see it as our personality. we don't identify with our arm. perhaps we identify with the representation, the image we present, but not specifically our arm. So it means far more to us to be emotionally pained.

I feel that when I give, I've lost what I give. So I expect to be given in return, in order to make up for what I lost. It's a sort of unwritten deal that people have with each other. I love you and you love me. But what they're really saying is that they cannot love themselves so they need other people to do it for them. They feel betrayed when they've given and not been given anything in return. They feel at a loss, weaker, left with less and snubbed because their part of the bargain has not been fulfilled. They feel resentful. Resentful that they expected the deal to take place as it has been unwrittenly written. And now they've been left at a loss, instead of at a gain.

We need to stop the dependence. Because what this is really saying is that we believe we are incapable of loving ourselves. We feel that someone needs to do it for us. But this isn't so. There's a euphoria, of course, when other people return their part of the deal. But it doesn't always last forever. And it makes us crazy that it doesn't. But the truth is, that euphoria is nothing compared to the sense of completeness and wholeness that comes from loving ones self independently of any help. It's a relaxed state, bliss. Because you know it's not circumstantial. You know that you don't need to earn it. You know that you don't have to be worried it won't be fulfilled. You know that you don't need to be panicked that it will end, or panicked that it hasn't been proved that day.

You know that no matter what situation arises, with whatever context, you will always be loved. a strong and healthy freedom. Free of fear. Because there is nothing worse than being afraid to be yourself. In general, we are always trying to be who will less bring us shame and misery. We try to be someone we can be proud of, someone people can accept and like. You shape yourself by fear. You inhibit yourself by fear. We need to not show what we find appropriate. We need to show what we find. All that we find. Uninhibited, free-flowing, limitless expression. Boundless.

When you love yourself, you know longer need someone to fill that role. We're desperate for someone to reassure us that we're worthy and loved. That's our subtext for our "one true love." The person who we can finally depend on to fulfill the deal. and people find that it's unreliable to expect someone else to give you what you need. As they say, don't send someone to do something you can do far better yourself. Because they will never do it right, your right. You want something to work to your advantage, to fulfill your needs and mirror your preferences, there is no one who can do that so completely. and that's an illusion we have when we enter into marriage. Because there's a blissful period where you think you've found the person who can finally love you the way you need to be loved. And as your marriage progresses you realize that they can't. That they can't read minds, they can't read your personality and frankly, they don't care to. Everybody is worrying about themselves too. Worrying about their own problems. Are they going to be dedicated enough to you to be a slave to your needs?

They attend to their own. Which they expect you to fulfill. But you're too busy attending to your own needs.

You can give without feeling at a loss by loving yourself. By knowing that your needs are already met, and that you don't need to rely on someone else to fulfill them. You don't need to feel powerless when they don't. You don't need to feel betrayed or resentful that they haven't. So you give, knowing that you have a tap that will never run out, a tap of love for your Being. free-flowing expression.

you love because love is god, health is god, compassion is god. you recognize God as the only true reality and you want nothing more than for that reality to be expressed. You want people to mirror their God selves. You want the unreality to fall away. it does not bring you pleasure to watch others fall prey to their own illusions. when you identify with a lower form of worth - pride, singular identity, (solipsm), you want to be the special one, the only one with that achievement and pleasure. Because you think that being the only one will give you more worth to enjoy. But when you have an unconditional form of worth, you no longer need to put others down to make yourself seem better. In other words, there is no relativity. It is absolute worth. And you recognize????? that your worth is in the reality of God. Of being your true Being. So you want nothing more than to share that God reality with others, to encourage it, show it, participate in it.

You give it freely and compassionately because you want to manifest it more in others lives, in your life, here on Earth.

2008-08-09T10:26:00.005-04:00

I'm going to ask to go to Starbucks. Instead of Quiznos. I've got to. I didn't have an opportunity to do it before because, well, I was working and every time a manager would come by and ask me how I was doing, it didn't seem appropriate to stop them and be like, um, can I work at Starbucks? This sucks. So I kept on wrapping up sandwiches.

Yeah, that's what I did for seven hours. Well, six and a half. I wrapped up probably 200 sandwiches. While I was there we must have made at least 400, but there were others there who occasionally did it with me.

All I did was put lettuce on it, cut it in half, wrap it and call their number. I kind of liked the monotony, actually. You get into a rhythm of continual sandwich wrapping.

But I know that it's ill-fitted. It's squashing my enthusiasm and my optimism and my professionalism.

And, personally, I'd recommend Quiznos over Burger King or McDonald's. But I recommend Subway FAR more than Quiznos. It sucks there.

So I got home at 10:30. So sore. Because my body has issues, it gets sore very easily. Seven hours is not easy, so it was more than sore. In Starbucks it will be the same, but I'll deal.

So I felt like dying for a while. I changed my pants but I left my shirt on. Knowing that I would go to sleep and wake up to go back to work. It didn't seem worth it to change. It's baggy and comfortable. Though I am essentially going to change for my shower.

I would have stayed up longer but I couldn't because my shins were killing me. Off to a bad start. I've practically cursed the rest of my life. Because this is not how I want it to be. I thought I hated college? I was BORED there, and disappointed. But not miserable. However, the deadline to sign up is coming up in a week or two. I don't think I'll be able to live on my own if I work part time. Not until I finish my book and get the ball rolling.

I find it hard to imagine that I can finish my book while I'm doing this.

It's the epitome of the life that we usually live. Not the service sense of it. But the idea that we merely interact, and never reflect. That we're always acting and reacting. Not acting and understanding why we've done it.

You're too busy doing the mechanical part of it, not realizing that your personality, your identity is far more than your interaction with others. It's far more than your reactions. Because your reactions are not mechanically produced. There isn't a manual of functions for your personality. In other words, it isn't set. It wasn't set when you were born and it isn't set now. It reflects more than just your physical identity, even. It reflects lifetimes of physical identities, the collective personality that has been created from lifetimes of CHOICES.

And that's the key. You are the product of a choice. But not another's choice. Your choice. And when all you're doing your entire life is acting and reacting, as if you have no choice, as if you're just following the functions you were given, you're not going to fulfill anything.

And working all day, that's all I could do. Of course that's mostly because I was in service of strangers. But I was so busy in service of strangers that I found all I was doing was acting and reacting. Not even the way I'd prefer it. It's a place where, although you can have friends (I never make friends), it doesn't really show off who you are. You're just a mechanical sandwich maker. And it's hard doing that for 8 hours, five days a week. A chunk of time that I don't want to give up.

Of course, I shouldn't be so black and white. Part of the problem in service industry is not merely the job, it's those who fulfill the job. You're the one bringing it to life. You make the decisions.

The girl who taught me to make the sandwiches, incidentally, her name is Melissa, was a bit unprofessional and sloppy. And she didn't have good customer skills. But oddly enough, it irritated the hell out of me when the other two were there. Mostly because Heather was correcting my mistakes but in kind of an odd way. Like sometimes I ask questions and they answer me but with only half of the answer. Like I'll say, What should I do next? And I'll here "murmur the bread box." And I'm like, what about it? And then they have to explain in detail that they want me to take the bread out and clean the insides and the windows and the handles.

So it was kind of like that with Heather, she didn't fully answer my questions and we were under a little bit of pressure and she was kind of snappy.

And then the other girl, I think her name was Ashley, but the other girl, who I thought was Heather is named Ashley. I thought there were two Heathers, not two Ashleys. I don't know, I'll have to ask her her name. In any case, she had great customer skills. She was very efficient and businesslike, she was also a good teacher - so much so that she explained to me how to do things I already knew. Unfortunately, she would catch me sometimes when I wasn't doing them. Like for five hours, I brought the receipts with me when I called out the number, but the six hour I was working alone and I left the receipts where they were and she told me to bring them with me.

I didn't say anything. But she was kind of bossy. She even moved my slips at one point and told me not to have them by the garbage can in case they fell in. Which is sound advice, but if I want them there, I'm going to put them there, thanks.

And you have to take the clip things whatever they're called and take the subs from the oven. It's hard to grip them, you have to do it really tightly. So instead of doing that, I just took the sandwich off the grill with my hands (gloved, of course). It worked, except when the girls who made the sandwich had broken them in half, then the stuff would fall out. But the bossy girl told me not to do that, because they would pile up. I would leave the little.. whatever they are, the metal grill things that the sandwiches would sit on, on top of the... I DON'T KNOW WHAT ANYTHING IS CALLED.

Anyway, I would leave them up there and then other sandwiches would come through and be blocked by the empty grill. But all I have to do is take the grill off after I set the sandwich down. I was taking the grill off after I wrapped the sandwich up. It wasn't like that when I was working with Melissa. It seem unnecessary when there are two people on my side but only one making the sandwiches. But when there are two people on the other side making sandwiches and only one of me, that's when I made that mistake and Heather came over and fixed everything in a snappy way.

So, yeah, it's annoying when Melissa isn't professional. And annoying when Heather and Ashley are. I liked Ashley, though. If that's her name. But she's also a little bit... condescending. Because she's so efficient, she knows that she's more efficient than other people, so she talks to you like she's more efficient. And that's slightly irritating.

And yes, I will fully admit that I do the exact same thing. :) At least, I was like that before. These days, as with Melissa, I keep my mouth shut. I'm not a manager. And although Melissa taught me to put like a spoonful of lettuce on a fourth of the sandwich, I began to do things my way, and that's fine. Sometimes, you realize that there's so much to fix, that you can't imagine trying to fix it. Because to critizise someone so completely would be pretty awful. Personally, it was most likely make them worse. Because she already watched a three and a half hour video, and read and hours worth of 40 pages of rules. And had numerous interviews with managers. So if she hadn't gotten the point by now, it was because it wasn't in her nature to do so. People will act in accordance to their nature.

If there nature is to do what's expected of them, to be compliant - then it will be in their nature to be compliant. But otherwise, some people don't care and you can't make them care. But pressuring them in a bossy, condescending manner will most likely make them care less, rather than more.

Although I'm really just judging a book by its cover. I didn't see Ashley do that to Melissa, I don't even know how long Melissa has worked there. And, of course, Ashley was helping me out because it was my first day and three of the girls that I worked with earlier on had already gone home. If she had offered me the advice in the beginning, I would have liked it more. But, I learn quick enough... in most cases. :)

I did this time. I got in my own groove. So her coming to give me advice while I'd already established my own groove was a tiny bit irritating.

But sometimes I acknowledge situations more for what they meant to me in the past, rather than what they mean to me now.

I know that in the past I would have seriously resented her. I don't now. I don't feel warmly towards her but mostly because I feel that she doesn't respect me. Because she already thinks she's more efficient than me (if I can presume that, it's at least how she acts). I felt kind of inadequate. At the end of the day when I had nothing to do and I didn't know what to clean up.

She called me kid. And I said I wasn't. And she apologized for offending me. It felt good standing up for myself. Because she said, How ya doin over there, Kid? And I said, who, me? And she said, kind of condescending, yeah, you're the only one over there. And I said, But I'm not a kid either. And she said that she was used to everyone being way younger than her here. And I said that I probably was but I still wasn't a kid. And she apologized for offending me and I said, it's fine, I just didn't know who you were talking to.

And I think that's the key. Being bothered by her behavior doesn't change it, especially if I don't voice my opinion, but one of the morals of the story is that I didn't like her bossiness, and I can't condone that I should go to her and tell her how to behave anymore than I would her telling me how to behave. And I realize that she's not responsible for how I feel. If I'm adequate, nothing she could do or say could make me feel otherwise. It's my own resistance to standing up for myself, because she has a personality that does not except argument, and I allow it. So I let her say things and I don't stand up for myself. Like I told her that I could not handle the tongs and the grill (and I was thinking, most ESPECIALLY, when I'm busy. It will take me much longer, and make things less productive - although I did end up learning by the end of the nigh.) And she told me, that I needed to learn, why not now?

And I was thinking, well, because I'm going to ditch this place and go to Starbucks. And because I was also thinking, I'm really busy, I don't have time to try something less productive, and it will, in my opinion, not make me more productive in the end. But I didn't say that, it would have been an argument by that point - just back and forth. And that's not what I need to do. But instead of showing her my weakness and saying that I was doing it for an unproductive reason. I should have boldly said that I preferred it this way and that I could handle putting the grills aside before they piled up.

And that would show that I did not make the decisions out of a weakness, but out of a strength. Something that I have been talking about with my driving, showing Amelia that I am not making decisions out of insecurities, but out of prudent decisions. At least, for my context. One that Amelia does not comprehend because she is very stuck in her own context, and cannot put herself in my shoes and understand what I have to work with and what it calls for.

Learning that made me second guess my going-to-Starbucks idea. It really did. I feel that I've now made roots in Quiznos. And Starbucks would take from me the significance of those roots.

I have to leave before that happens more!

2008-08-07T21:41:00.002-04:00

:/ Why am I continually robbed of the glamor?

Bureaucracy.. moo.

Still, I'll get some benefit from it. I know. Whether it goes right in unexpected ways or goes wrong so that I can understand how the way things have turned out reflects something about myself I'd prefer to improve on.

Seriously.

2008-08-05T00:07:00.002-04:00

Ah! But An Auntie Lissa. 66 hours later. 15 hours ago. Update.
Mood: mellow

2008-08-04T23:22:00.002-04:00

[22:30] IAMSpartacus117: You never come on aimmm.
[22:30] *** Auto-response from PoobTheBoob: Your IM has been sent to my mobile device. When I receive it, I will be able to reply. Thanks for your IM! Want your IMs forwarded to your phone? Click here
[22:30] IAMSpartacus117: I hate being confined to text messaging.
[22:31] IAMSpartacus117: I see you changed your top friends to... Justin.
[22:31] IAMSpartacus117: I'm glad you have a good relationship with your brother.
[22:31] IAMSpartacus117: No violence? You guys ever hit each other?
[22:33] IAMSpartacus117: I went to Walmart, and I was going to buy the same deodorant as you have. But then I smelled it and it smelled like you and I felt that it would be kind of weird if I suddenly began smelling like you. I thought I should let you keep your distinct smell. So I got a completely different kind.
[22:35] IAMSpartacus117: I'm sorry that I kept you from Wow most of the weekend. I didn't want to deprive you of it, I didn't ask you not to play. But I couldn't tell you that you should play because I knew I would be bored and I couldn't do that to myself. But you offered to put it aside, and even though I didn't want that to happen, I was grateful to not be bored.
[22:37] IAMSpartacus117: I don't mind if we never spend 66 hours with each other straight again. Not that I didn't enjoy it. But you're a bit of a bad influence. I come away swearing more, being more violent, being angry, irate, mean - so mean I was even mean to Isis when I got home. And I listen to more awful music.
[22:37] IAMSpartacus117: I prefer my kindness, nurturing nature and optimism.
[22:39] IAMSpartacus117: By the way, I'm going to return Bones. It has a hold on it and it's due Friday, I doubt we'll hang out before then and you're probably not that into it and I've already seen it.
[22:40] IAMSpartacus117: And I don't want a repeat of the CSI situation.
[22:43] IAMSpartacus117: You know, because I've been on the other side - watching the way you handle girls trying to be your friend or more, trying to talk to you and be around you - watching the way you ignore them, and not tell them to lay off, so they keep persisting... even seeing how you feel about Andrew and Jon, I really feel like every single time I talk to you and you don't respond, that I'm automatically a stalker.
[22:43] IAMSpartacus117: I feel like I should have got the picture that you didn't want to talk before I even sent the text message or in this case an IM. And that I'm a huge annoyanc.
[22:43] IAMSpartacus117: e
[22:44] IAMSpartacus117: that's why I sent 20 text messages the Saturday before last.
[22:44] IAMSpartacus117: Because I figured if I felt like a obnoxious stalker at one text message, I might as well say all that I have to say and send 20.
[22:45] IAMSpartacus117: That feeling. Is like the six biggest stress in my life.
[22:45] IAMSpartacus117: at the moment.
[22:46] IAMSpartacus117: Actually, it's probably the fourth or the fifth, depending on how you look at it.
[22:48] IAMSpartacus117: Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks, for letting me come this weekend. It was probably hard, having me there almost every second. Even if it was in exchange for letting you feel me up.
[22:51] IAMSpartacus117: And I want to know how you feel. About this situation we're in.
[22:52] IAMSpartacus117: I didn't think that we would have sex, until we were ready. We're both shy, so shy we haven't even kissed, which is kind of ridiculous. But you not bringing condoms makes me think that you feel that it's not even a possibility that we could have sex.
[22:52] IAMSpartacus117: And if you feel that way I want you to tell me.
[22:53] IAMSpartacus117: I don't know what we are. I hesitate to call us friends, because you have been the shittiest, most unreliable, most selfish friend I have almost ever had.
[22:56] IAMSpartacus117: And as soon as we saw each other at Andrew's party we went skinny dipping and spooned in the tent. I didn't think I could even expect friendship at that point, so it was easier to depend on attraction. I haven't been able to trust you at all, being friends with you has been complete torture. I know now that just because I'm enjoying things doesn't mean that you're enjoying them too. And I also know that when you're not enjoying them, you won't tell me. So at any given time, you could be miserable and I just will never know. Since you've never been enthusiastic about being my friend - more the opposite - I'm left to assume that you're not enjoying my company very much and that you just won't tell me when you're bored or annoyed.
[22:56] IAMSpartacus117: Not that I'm thinking that when I'm around you, more like I think it when you don't answer me back for a few days.
[23:00] IAMSpartacus117: I can hardly call us friends. You've been friendly with me the past month, but that means nothing because you've been friendly with me in the past and look where it got us.
[23:00] IAMSpartacus117: I can't call us friends with benefits. Because you don't seem to realistically want sex to happen.
[23:01] IAMSpartacus117: And we've never talked with each other about a romantic relationship.. cause you're obsessed with Liz.
[23:01] IAMSpartacus117: So I'd like to think that I could refrain from naming whatever it is.
[23:02] IAMSpartacus117: "It's complicated" on Facebook relationship status.
[23:02] IAMSpartacus117: I'm just so goal-oriented.
[23:03] IAMSpartacus117: I want to know if I can ask you to hang out. Because I can't do that if we aren't friends. I want to know if I can kiss you, because I can't do that unless we're friends with benefits. I want to know if I can use any of the condoms I bought today with you, or if I should save them for somebody else.
[23:04] IAMSpartacus117: Does it bother you having sex with someone you're not romantically interested in? Most people assume that guys are okay with it, since like 90% of them are. But since you've never had sex with anybody but Liz, I can't really tell if you care or not.
[23:07] IAMSpartacus117: I guess, what I'm trying to say, and you better have gotten all of this, and read it... is that I'd appreciate the slightest bit of communication. I just want a little bit of clarification. I'm laidback - even if I'm task/goal oriented. I go out of my way to want to be friends with you and more, but that's just it, I'm pretty much up for anything. You're the one who gets annoyed, who wants to be alone, who wants to be stuck on Liz, who wants to not have any friends, who wants to not chat and communicate.
[23:07] IAMSpartacus117: So you hold all the cards. You're the one who's hard to please.
[23:08] IAMSpartacus117: I just have to know what you're thinking... you sleep and cuddle with me, you say you'll have sex with me, you spend time with me. But I don't know what any of that means to you. I don't know if there's any rhyme or reason. I don't know if you enjoy it or you're apathetic about it or it borderline annoys you.
[23:11] IAMSpartacus117: I'm extremely agreeable. And I don't ask a lot. But I can't cater to your needs or your wants if you don't express them. I can't give you space if you don't tell me you want it. I can't make a move if you don't tell me you want it. I don't expect a lot of you. I've really only expected you to fulfill my lust this past month, which you have yet to do. And even when it comes to sex I expect very little. I actually expect nothing. I'm interested in seeing what it's like - not interested in having a preplanned situation.
[23:12] IAMSpartacus117: Maybe you're used to putting in zero effort in your friendships.
[23:18] IAMSpartacus117: For the record, I've felt closer to you since that Sunday we went out with Andrew and Justin. More than I ever have. I feel like I know you better and I feel more comfortable in your presence. And on Saturday when you were playing Wow and I was doing Sudoku, being mad at you, and you were randomly chatting and being annoying... that made me elated. I was happy that you felt comfortable enough with me to randomly chat and be annoying. Something that you have never done in the entire time that I've met you. Seriously. Aside from being disappointed that you didn't want to have sex, I wasn't annoyed at all with your random chatting.
[23:20] IAMSpartacus117: Thanks for all the massages, by the way. :) They felt nice.
[23:21] IAMSpartacus117: bye.
[23:22] IAMSpartacus117: don't hate me for writing all this. and you should know that if you DON'T read it, I will kill you.

he's in such a habit of not putting any effort into making a friendship or a relationship with anybody but Liz.

2008-08-04T22:29:00.002-04:00

Ah! But An Auntie Lissa.

Jul 24 2008 2:21 PM

Look, James, friggen Wells. You don't have to AGREE to hang out with me, if you don't want to. OK? No pressure. You can SAY no. Because if you say YES theeeeen you HAVE to hang out with me. Ok? You say you're going to hang out with me, hang out with me. But you don't HAVE TO SAY YOU'LL HANG OUT WITH ME IF YOU DON'T WANT TO. Is that simple enough? Do I have to repeat it 20x38438792 more times?? Because, you know I will...

Me and Isis missed you today. I wouldn't have paraded you in front of my family if that's what you're worried about. And I would have liked to pick you up because I love driving.

I have renewed CSI again, but this is the last time I'm going to renew it. If you don't watch it with me by Wed of next week, I'm watching it by myself. In fact, I think I'll watch it tonight by myself. At least, I would if I wasn't so damn tired. Tomorrow night then.

Jeezus.
♥