Would you believe it? I forgot something. There was more I was going to say.

See, because of this power issue, I'm feeling ignored by people. And, of course, it frustrates me. It makes me feel powerless. I can't stand being ignored, but it's even worse when people ignore me and then they ignore my complaints about how they're ignoring me.

It started with James. Because I decided to talk to him a little again. So I added him on myspace. He accepted that. We didn't say anything for a couple of weeks. Then I think I sent him a comment. Nothing. Then I sent him another comment a couple weeks later. Nothing. Then I sent him a message with my quiz, saying that I didn't expect him to talk to me, but could he take my quiz. He didn't answer the message or take my quiz. It's like there's this wall and I can't get through it no matter how hard I try.

It would not be horrible if he said "fuck you" or if he said "I don't want to talk to you" or if he said "I don't want to take your damn test". I could handle that. But he's not acknowledging me at all, it's like I don't exist. And it's the worst thing.

Then when I sent John that message about being friends, him rejecting me for Lyla hurt me again and I try to pretend it doesn't. But I'm also working to make it truth - that it really doesn't bother me. I just have to first acknowledge the feelings, before I can work through them. I should have accepted it. It's hard to find the balance. Because I usually accept it in that I pretend I don't care. And that's wrong, because I'm just suppressing the truth.

But it's not wrong to accept it, in a mature way and say - I can handle that this is the choice you've made, you've chosen Lyla over me. And truthfully get through it. I don't have to let myself feel rejected, I can just accept that it's his decision. It doesn't have to reflect that I'm a horrible person, just that he likes Lyla and that's fine, him and her are loco, they deserve each other. I don't want to be part of it anyway.

This is probably what I should have done. But I was mad at him for rejecting me so I thought I would prove him stupid by getting Lyla to say it was okay. So I offered to ask her if him and I could be friends, even though I believe it's not her decision. She said no. And I kind of in a mean but professional way said that she was just lying to herself and she was being possessive again. It's not her right to say who he's friends with. And she didn't respond back to that one. She hasn't said anything to me since.

So John isn't talking to me, probably because she told him that he can't. Who knows, I don't know what they talked about to each other, but she probably guilted him into ignoring me - and lying to her about how he feels and etc. Not that he doesn't mind, cause he seems to like the lying. (hence, they deserve each other) In any case, she ignored me, he ignored me... James is ignoring me.

And then I sent Mike a message asking him why he no longer smokes weed. Cause I always admired him for not smoking, for just individually not wanting to smoke. I love people who just know it's not for them. Because a lot of people do it just to fit in, even if they don't need it because of dependency. So if you don't need it because you don't have a dependency, I'm so relieved that you're brave enough to go against the grain and simply say that it's not for you. Mike was like that while we were dating. (although his friends mostly were as well...)

But then he started dating Mareena and she is kind of messed up. She's like an alcoholic, every myspace answer is about being drunk and etc, I swear. And she smokes weed. So he started doing it. So he's no longer with her, hasn't been for a year or something. And his survey asked him what he thought of weed and he said "you can do it but I'm done." and I overflowed with joy. Because I've always cared about him, in that mother way. Like, I want him to have a good life. (although a part of me wanted him to have a crappy life out of spite, since he's my ex) but most of me wanted him to have things work out well, to grow and be healthy. And I liked respecting him and admiring him. So I'm upset when he smokes and relieved when he doesn't.

So I asked him why. Well he honestly just hasn't been on his myspace all day today. Hasn't even signed in or read the message. But just waiting for his response, wanting to hear it and kind of wanting to express that I'm happy about it and I admire him for making that decision... well, it made my day anticlimactic, you could say.

But of course then there's Dan. There's a wall blocking me from James and John and Lyla because I can't make them understand. And there's a literal block between Mike and me because he hasn't received the message. But Dan's supposed to be the exception. He's just supposed to be the exception. The one I can count on. The one to understand me and accept me.

But being rejected by John has made me want Dan's attention all the more specifically. And then when Dan doesn't respond enough, or at all, he begins ignoring me and that resonates with my wall theme and suddenly he's just another one ignoring me. Another one I can't get through to. I can't make him understand. Which makes me feel powerless.

I send him text messages and just like James, he ignores them. He's done this the entire year we've been close. With myspace messages and me telling him to call me. He never gave me enough attention. And it's always his decision. Like, we don't decide together, when we'll talk. We don't set a time appropriate for both of us. HE calls and INTERRUPTS whatever I'm doing because HE has an opportunity to talk.

It's not a crazy thing to do, except it's all one way. I never call him. I never know when he'll be free to talk, I don't want to interrupt his "busy life". I have only missed his call once, when I didn't return it moments later or picked up the first time. Only once when he called and my phone's battery had died and I didn't recharge it all day.

Every other time, whether I was in the library - I went outside to talk. Whether I was watching a movie - I put it on pause to talk. Whether I'm reading - I set down the book. Whether I'm talking to somebody online - I ignore them. Whether I'm eating - I let my food get cold. Whether I'm playing with Isis - I multitask.

And sometimes we don't even talk. So I'll just sit there in bed, not doing anything. I put down my book or pause my movie, to sit there and not even talk.

And I'm not complaining. It sounds like I am, but I'm happy to do it because I care about him and I enjoy talking to him and connecting with him. He's important to me, so I put everything else aside, even if I'm really enjoying my movie or my book. I've told him that I want to go so I can finish my movie or go to sleep like twice. I always wait until he says he's gonna go. That's why when I'm mad, I say that I'm going to go just because it's so uncharacteristic of me and I think that it will show him that I'm really mad.

I doubt he notices.

In any case, it's not two-way. He makes all the moves. He decides when and for how long. And I never get to express myself. I really don't. Like the things I want to tell him about the car accident that happened to me a month ago, or when I set my porch on fire. Why do you think I was so enamored with John? Because John cared. I don't know why, but he payed attention to me. He wanted to know about my life, he calls Isis cute or he says that the things Isis does is cute. And that felt so nice, to have (just maybe) somebody in my life who could care.

Amelia doesn't care. I always share everything with her but I always tell her against her will. Dan doesn't care. Sometimes I forget to tell him because he doesn't call me until a week after it's happened or if I send a text he doesn't respond. And it's not like I can call him, because he doesn't play by my rules.

I fill out surveys because nobody asks this stuff. But John asked. I was so flattered. He read my surveys and he's the only one who actually did the surveys himself, nobody ever copies my surveys. Sometimes they do the same surveys but if I fix spelling errors, I can see that they've done the original copy, so they got it from somebody else.

There's just this sense of apathy with Dan. Because I told him so many freakin times over the year that I hated when he didn't write back to my messages and he didn't call me and etc. And he's mentioned that he's better, like he acknowledges that it's important to me that he changes his behavior towards me, or lack of behavior. But I still feel like if I express that I'm bothered to him, he won't care.

Or it will be a bother for him. Like I'm just the nagging girlfriend and I'm overreacting. Sometimes I don't even say how I feel because it will just sound ridiculous.

He's not in my life at all. He doesn't live here. I don't see him. I'm not dating him. I don't kiss him. I can't call him. We don't talk on myspace or any of the messengers. All we really have are his sporadic phone calls and texts.

I don't care when he sends me a reply to my text. I don't care. I just care that he sends one at all. Like if he doesn't see it within the hour after the text was sent, he just decides it's no longer relevant to answer and he doesn't say anything. He asked me what Subway sandwich he should get at noon. I was in class, and my phone was running out of battery, plus it was on silent. And then I forgot about it and didn't recharge it until hours later.

But when I finally turned on the phone, it was obviously not relevant to answer his question about subway, he was long gone from there... however, I did answer his text with "I'm sorry I missed your call and your text, my phone has been off all day." That was acknowledging him. So that he didn't feel that I was ignoring him. He just lets my texts go out into the abyss, allowing me to sit in mystery - not knowing how he feels, if he read the text, what he thinks about the text, why he hasn't answered, why he never will.

It happened a couple months ago and I asked him why he didn't respond and he said that he was busy. And I was like yeah, but if you're responding to this now, you've obviously found a point in time where you're not busy. So why didn't you respond to the message, once you had a free moment. I don't care if it's days later. You can't say you're busy now when you're messaging me about something different. He acts like I'm the author and he's just reading my book. With no response necessary. It's not a rhetorical question. I say things to you because I'm communicating with you - for the purpose of you communicating back with me. That's a conversation.

Right now, with my journal, he may read this, and in that sense, he doesn't need to respond. I know he won't. He probably won't even bring all this up in our next few conversations - even if he reads it. That's to be expected. But if I'm directly talking to you, you can't just absorb it, I expect responses. Nothing particular. You can say whatever you want. I just want acknowledgment.

But on a different note, the reason why it's come up lately, the reason why I've gotten annoyed and then further annoyed by his insensitivity. Is because I worry sometimes when I don't get texts from him. When I send like four out over a period of a couple days and nothing comes back. If I ask questions and he doesn't answer, if I say I love you and he doesn't respond. Remember? I have no other connection to him. I can't call, myspace isn't helpful. Can't talk to him on a messenger. How do I know he's alive?

You think it's ridiculous but if he died, I would never know. Nobody would inform me. I would just never know. And when he doesn't answer I think about that, about how I don't know if he's in jail or in the hospital or he simply lost his phone. I just don't know unless he tells me. Can you blame me for wanting to know? Not getting anything from him in two weeks is not unusual. I don't immediately think that he's dead. But when I send numerous texts that are unanswered, that's when I get worried. Because I just have no idea why he's not answering them. I don't know if he's busy or dead. I don't know if he's ignoring me on purpose or waiting until an appropriate time to answer me.

You know what I do just to reassure myself? I go on myspace and look at the last time he logged in. It's usually more recent than my last text cause I only get paranoid after a day has gone by and he will have always signed in at the new day. And then I know that he's not ignoring my text because he's dead. He could be dead, but he would have died after my text. I really, have honestly done that twice or three times. Cause there isn't any other way I know - unless I call. And You know I don't call.

And this is all I've got. What is he to me? Nothing. We are so distant from each other. He's not there for me and he doesn't need me to be there for him. I don't know why he even calls me, now that I think about it. What the hell does it do for either of us?

I'm just thinking about what an illusion we both are to each other. He does not realistically or tangibly satisfy me in any way. He gives me no companionship. Obviously not a lot of attention. He doesn't lend an ear as a friend. He isn't my boyfriend. Hearing him tell me he wants to fuck me every once in a while isn't really that flattering. We can't hang out. We can't see each other. We can't know each other. We can't understand what each other is going through in lives we'll never be able to observe.

We're nothing to each other. But some lousy texts and random, useless phone calls.

I don't usually come up with pessimistic conclusions. But I can't bear to have that wall between me and somebody else. I don't like feeling like I can't get through to somebody, like they can't understand me and acknowledge me. And his favorite fucking thing is to not acknowledge me.

So fine. He can be self-centered. Cause that's all he's got, his own life. Bah.

And I'm going to go crazy for the next few days because he's not going to read this or acknowledge me - even though I sent him a text saying that I needed to bitch at him and CALLING HIM, for the second time in our entire four and a half years of knowing each other... (not entirely his fault) and leaving him a voicemail saying that I need to talk to him.

Let's just see if he cares. Cause if he doesn't? I may as well be alone. I feel alone dealing with James and my family and John and Lyla and everybody. I just feel alone. Except I've had Dan all this time. At least I thought I did. Now I just feel alone anyway. He's not there to support me or keep me company or give me love. He's just not there.

We'll probably never meet, and if we did it would be like an arranged marriage. Like I know we're supposed to meet, but who the hell are you? We're not involved in each other's lives at all. Except for like an hour a week and a couple random texts. And nothing relevant is ever passed between us.

I'm going crazy. I'm having power issues, like always. I've always been a fighter. I've always fought for power. Because when I feel like I don't have enough I panic and I go wild trying to gain power. The type of people who go to extremes to exert power and to prove that they have power, are the ones that fear that they don't have power. Like the bullies who go to extremes to prove that they're tough because they feel that if they didn't prove it, nobody would know - mostly because they don't believe that they're tough enough, themselves.

I don't believe I have enough power, that's why I'm always in a panic. And I realized that I feel most powerless when I can't communicate, when people are not listening to me, and when people don't believe me. Do you know how insane I would get if I was on trial for a murder I did not commit? That probably happened in another lifetime. Because in small doses, that's what it's like for me. I say things and people don't believe me and I go wild.

Amelia was having issues to Tiana and my mom were trying to help her, so I joined the conversation and then like an hour later my mom walked out briefly and I was explaining this power thing to Amelia. I kept repeating it because I was reminding myself of what I'd learned previously but hadn't applied. The idea that when I struggle the most, it's because I fear I don't have power. And I realized, so distinctly, that I am an extreme fighter. I am always fighting for power. Always fighting.

I have to stop fighting, I just have to believe that I have power and express it. I don't have to try to prove it to people, I don't have to be aggressive. I just have to be. I guess I realized this because Tiana and my mom used the term "assertive" as the middle way. Assertive people have power, but they do not exert it aggressively because you don't have to prove the truth, it speaks for itself. You only have to try to prove what cannot speak for itself because it isn't fully true. We live in a western world so that would be highly disputed, since they believe that everything needs to be proven.

However, I don't think science is fully true, nor can it honestly be proven true when you really think about it. But let's not get sidetracked.

The point is, I realized that I do have power and I need to begin to believe it. I have to stop trying to fight for it. I can assert it, but I don't need to overdue it because it's a basic truth, it does not need to be proved. And the fact of the matter is, that the mind can choose to never be convinced, no matter how much evidence you have. Evidence is not interpreted objectively, it's interpreted selectively and if people don't want to admit the truth, they can't be forced to.

So there are some people I will never be able to convince, and that's why I can get really ridiculous trying to prove it. Because it's not an easy task. I usually scare people off with my aggressiveness anyway. They never agree with me after I'm done bullying them. It's not one of those "you're so intimidating that I'll just agree with you cause I'm scared."

Ironically, but not really ironic when you think about the ways of the universe... Amelia started to get annoyed that I was repeating myself about the differences between assertive, aggressive and passive. And I told her rationally that I was really only talking to myself because the distinction had just become especially clear to me and as an aggressive person, this is valuable information. She was still annoyed.

So my mom comes back in and they're talking but Amelia starts snapping at me so I'm like whoa whoa whoa, hold the phone, what the hell has gotten into you, why are you suddenly bickering with me? I've done nothing wrong. Well all the sudden Amelia and my mom are in agreement that I'm always trying to force Amelia to do what I want her to do. And I'm like, name one way I've done that lately and my mom says "you're always telling her how to take care of Isis" and I say, actually, I haven't done that to her lately I've been telling YOU (my mom) how to take care of Isis, and my mom agrees.

But she is still convinced that Amelia has good reason to be annoyed at me because I must be trying to make her do something. All I did was repeat something twice, and Amelia goes, "yeah, it's like when you used to watch movies five times in a row and it annoyed me." And again I'm like whoa whoa whoa, where did that come from? You're blaming me at age 17 for watching Mary Poppins over and over when I was like seven? That's insane.

But no, they're still convinced that Amelia is justified in being annoyed at me because I must be trying to force her. And I even clarified, because I was trying to make everybody take a look at this new development in the conversation, all of the sudden Amelia was annoyed at me and I wanted to know where it was coming from. I was being forceful and direct about it. So I asked if that was what my mom was talking about, that I was forcing Amelia to consider the annoyance issue. And my mom said no, it was before that.

Tiana left for a moment, she had been there while my mom was gone but it's no use getting people involved, they hate that and people never side with me. Again, you'd think they'd be afraid of my wrath and so they'd take my side, but I think most people have realized that even though I can be very harsh, my bark is worse than my bite, so they aren't really afraid of me. Although Tiana actually hasn't experienced very much of my wrath.

In any case, it dawned on me, as I was trying to convince them that I had not tried to force Amelia into anything and that it was stupid to justify Amelia's issue with me on me, because we all know that "annoyance" is an interpretation of the reaction that someone has to an object. Meaning, the object does not have an annoying quality like color or size. Annoyance is the interpretation and the bad reaction to that object, so it's all in her.

So it dawned on me that this was my test. Not moments before this all started I realized that I need to believe I have power, regardless of if other people don't believe it. I have to stop fighting for it. So I abruptly left. They were blind, but the fact is, even if they couldn't see it, the truth still existed. You don't need to prove the truth to validate it. The truth is what it is, regardless of who knows it. So why do I need to make them know it? I know it. That should be enough. I should be satisfied with that. But naturally I want validation, and I have to stop it.

I realized after I'd left that it was the exact powerless situation that drives me nuts, and literally makes me scream and be abusive in my fight to prove that I have power. It's a bit hard to relate truth with power, but for me it's the epitome of the "right and wrong" thing that everybody has going on. When I'm right, and somebody refuses to see it, I feel powerless. I feel like I don't have power unless it's validated by somebody else.

That's a huge reason why I don't mess with people anymore. Because I got so sick of people not letting me be right. When I know I am. It's not as simple as "you're wrong and I'm right." A wise person knows that there are many different rights that can coexist, even if they contradict each other. But I've matured and grown a lot, and I know that the more I grow, the better my opinions become - the more developed they become, the smarter they become, the wiser they become.

And when I do things for a purpose, even if someone else has a problem with it, I have the right to do things as I wish. It doesn't mean that they're wrong to disagree with it, because we both don't have to agree on the same thing to be right. Right takes individual forms sometimes. As far as I'm concerned, it's only wrong if it's not infused with God.

And the more I grow, the more I allow God to be infused in the way I live my life and the things I believe. Therefore, I have faith that I'm doing the right thing. No matter what kind of blind people refuse to see this.

And this is also why I like to have just one person, one agreeable person who I can count on to believe me. Right now it's Dan. Dan doesn't always agree, apparently, but he always lets me convince him. Meaning, he let's me believe that he has been convinced. And so I don't go insane. But I also know that regardless of if he disagrees, he still respects me. And that's what makes me want to be validated, because I feel that if people think I'm wrong about something, that they'll think I'm wrong to be who I am, that I'm a horrible person. It's an extreme fear, but that's how it works.

I don't have that fear with Dan, so I don't have to fight him, I don't have to prove that I'm a good person because he already knows. I feel like with so many other people I have to prove that I'm a good person, because they automatically accuse me of just the opposite. Like everybody thinks I'm a murderer and I'm just not. Okay? I'm just not.

When Mike and I went back to school, after the summer, people started to convince Mike that I was horrible and controlling. During the summer he sometimes thought I was controlling but he still loved me. But then school started and people starting convincing him that he shouldn't date me anymore because I was controlling. That's what shattered my love for him. The lack of control, in the sense that I could no longer feel that I could keep him in love with me.

I know it sounds terrible, to say that I needed to make him in love with me. But I was very dominating and I could convince him I was right, or at least I could always have the last say, just like with Dan, so he just shuts up and lets me think I'm right. But he, of course, was still there with me, no matter my faults. And then my faults grew to the size of a prize winning watermelon, and all of the sudden I was the most terrible person in the world. I was literally Satan, that's what they all called me.

And that hurts, because I'm not Satan. It seems cliche to say that I'm a good person. But I am a very kind and moralistic person. It's just that I have a tough exterior. I know that if I feel something selfish, I have to face it - instead of pretend that I'm an amazingly self-less person. So I often admit the worst of me, to confess, to get it out in the open so that I don't have to lie to myself just to save face.

So that's why I seem cruel, because I'm exposing all of my worst qualities. When we hide them, we become a lie.

I don't want to be a lie.

But I need to be satisfied that I know I'm not Satan and that's enough. That it doesn't mean that I'm any less Not-Satan just because they think me him. The truth is the truth, regardless of its validation.

I have to let go of situations where people will not accept the truth. Like with Amelia and my mom. It was right to leave the bedroom, that's absolutely the first time I have ever walked away from a fight - especially without having the last word in. I'm not kidding.

It was a complete test. Because I had just barely decided to stop being aggressive, and then over the very same topic (me telling Amelia the distinction between aggressive and assertive) suddenly I feel powerless, because they will not believe my innocence, they will not see that I had really not been trying to make Amelia do anything. And it was frustrating, but I have to stop letting it frustrate me. I have to accept that it's a part of humanity.

And that it seriously does not take away from the truth. The truth is what it is. It will still be what it is, even if they're blind to it.

There are so many people who project on to me. Like Stephanie Stog wrote Amelia a long letter complaining about my profile. Bitching about every little damn thing she disagreed with. And I know that she was not right to complain about it. Should I even try to convince you that she was not right? Or should I just believe it and leave it at that. Let's leave it at that.

I know that I have the right to say what I said on my profile because it's true. It's not wrong, in any way shape or form. Not only is it not what she said it is, and thus not wrong. But the truth is, it's not wrong to feel that way about myself.

I've written a dozen intros to my book. Because there are things I want people to know, before they grossly misinterpret it and start blaming me of all the horrible things that spark my fight and make me insane. And one of the things I've expressed is that, my book is not about fact and it's not about right or wrong. It's about perception. And we don't have to fear our perceptions just because they may not be entirely accurate.

Because it's not wrong to feel a certain way at a certain point. It IS wrong to hold on to false beliefs for lifetime after lifetime. Okay? That's wrong. But to initially believe something that isn't accurate or isn't entirely accurate is okay. Because you need to start somewhere. You need to take baby steps to the truth, and you won't have the complete view at the beginning, so some things will need to be improved or let go, but you will hopefully have the partial truth and that is the constant, that is what will be carried with you so that it can expand and you can grow to have a larger view.

So I don't care about all the outrageous disagreements that someone could have with my perception. Because that's all it is. Perception for one moment in time (each moment that I write it, at least). Next year my perception will have expanded and I will no longer believe some of the things. But I'm not ashamed that I did once believe them. Because it was just a step towards the truth. We can't leap into it, that's not what life is about, life is a process. My book is about the perception I had during that process. A perception that is imperfect and inaccurate at times. But is often honest and straightforward and encouraging and productive. And those are the most important things to me.

So that's why it's not going to make the world end, if I'm not correct in anything I say on my profile. I was accurate to the best of my ability and perception. And of course, interpretations are going to be different. If you think that I believe the sun is blue, and you think me wrong for it, but in truth, I'm only trying to say that I had a dream that the sun was blue - what can you do? It's your incorrect interpretation of my intention.

But let's not justify my position. Because I need to purely believe in the truth and right to express what I express. And I don't need the validation.

And, of course, it doesn't mean that I need to ignore what criticism I get. But when I do hear it, I have to give it fair consideration, but I also have to discern between what they don't know and what they do know. Because, for instance, if someone tried to convince me that I was jealous - how could they know? So it would ultimately be up to me to ask myself if it's true. Some people don't want to admit things like "I'm jealous," but I've told you, I love exposing my flaws, it's liberating, to expose the fear of people knowing my imperfections.

StephanieStog, Amelia and my mom all think I love Isis too much. It's hard to sum up, but Stephanie and Amelia think that I want to be her mother or something, because I'm always trying to "take over Amelia's job". Because Amelia had Stephanie and the other Stephanie over one time, and since I couldn't concentrate on reading because they were noisy, I had nothing to do so when Isis was crying and needed her diaper changed I changed it. Amelia started getting aggravated at me, because I was trying to help her calm Isis down. I was only doing it INSTEAD of her, because I thought that she should be spending time with her friends. I was doing nothing, so I was able to take care of Isis, Amelia was presumably busy with friends and it would benefit everybody if she just let me take care of it.

It's okay if she doesn't want to, it's her baby, she can put her friends aside to take care of Isis. But I wasn't trying to take over Amelia's role as a mother, I was simply trying to help out. So my profile says proud parent, because all the other options are stupid. Like one of them says "I love kids..." and you'd think that would be perfect for me, but then it ends with "but not for me" and that's just not true. The other one says "not yet" or something and that's stupid too. I had to express something because it's a premade layout and it would otherwise say "no answer" and that's stupid too. So I said proud parent, to express that I currently take joy in children. It just so happens that my niece lives with me, so she's a huge part of my life.

Which is another thing, I babysit her a lot, she lives her and influences the way I live, so yes, I'm very involved with her. But also, it's an objective fascination that has nothing to do with her specifically. I love kids, and I've always found that fascinating, I want to understand them, experience them, study them. But even though I babysat the twins, I wasn't around them enough - just a few hours after school. So now I have a real opportunity to observe Isis grow and it's amazing. So I'm fixated on it. As I said, it wasn't my choice to have Isis live her. I love it, but I didn't ask for it, it was Amelia's decision. If she doesn't want me involved, she can leave.

So of course it's also my psychology thing. I analyze the way humans work, the way they react to things, and the way we should treat each other. It's my passion, it's my fixation. So I watch Isis and I study these things. And when I see something that Amelia doesn't (which, in general, happens a lot) I say it. My mom tells me I should keep it to myself, but that's just not like me. I know that it's Amelia's daughter, to raise however she wants. But I'm controlling, for one. I also love to teach and enlighten people - so how could I keep that to myself? I also love Isis and it bothers me when Amelia is not giving her what she needs because she can't see what Isis needs. And I also like to experiment with Isis in the sense that, if I think she needs something - I'll never know if I was right unless we try it. So if Amelia never tried anything I suggested, I would never learn from my observations about Isis, because they would all be initial observations, no experiments and tests.

And lastly, it also affects me because I'm here in this house. So, for instance, if Amelia is letting Isis cry for an hour because she's too dense to see that Isis isn't ready for bed, and I have to hear Isis and be bothered by it, that does affect me and I have the right to speak up and say that it bothers me.

So, you see, I'm not obsessed with Isis. There's a reason why I particularly love her. Because I know I can be myself around her. These seems anticlimactic, because I've just analyzed all of my reactions to people, and how I want to be validated etc. But when I first opened this page I wanted to say this.

I have always been really clingy and needy, but not with people, with animals. My dog Zeus did not like me, he didn't like sleeping on my bed or cuddling with me. Because I was too controlling, probably. Because I was always trying to make him do what he didn't want to do. But I needed him so much, I was so clingy, always trying to hug him and make him sit on my lap or sleep in my bed with me. He liked Amelia cause she let him do whatever.

But I felt that I could express myself to Zeus better than a human, who could reject it. For some reason, it comes back to that thing with Mike letting me love him. For some reason, I feel the need to express my love for people. I'm a really loving person, very touch-feely and devoted. I guess there are really a lot of people like me, who become obsessed with people and idolize them and things. And it just becomes crazy how much they love these people, how devoted they are.

I don't go to that extreme because I know it's crazy and I don't want to be rejected by people. But all my life, when people didn't want to be my friend, it was rejecting the opportunity to express myself. It was like saying "I don't want to hear it or see it or experience it. Just shut up." And somehow that translates into the way I express that I like other people. I can't quite make sense of it right now. I haven't fully figured out how, usually when I write I do figure it out but I'm blocked from it for some reason.

In any case, dogs can't talk back and neither can babies. I knew they didn't like me, but it's almost like they had no choice, Zeus didn't like me but I could force myself to hug him. And I did, I was so bad, always MAKING him cuddly with me. I just wanted to be able to give him love and he didn't want it.

Isis resists me too. Like she hasn't given me a hug in a week and I keep asking. I'm trying not to be too forceful the way I was with Zeus. Nobody else NEEDS Isis to hug them, but I need that affection from her, so I keep asking even though she's apparently not in the mood to hug people.

And of course a part of it is not only receiving the hug, it's being able to give the hug. It's an acceptance of my wish to express my love for her. Babies don't criticize you or tell you they are bothered by the fact that you love them. I can be around Isis and tell her how absolutely precious she is, how much I adore her and she just soaks it in, without a word. Besides the physical affection, which she sometimes resists... she really can't resist my love in any other way.

So I enjoy her because I can just be myself. I can say what I want. I can feel the way I want to feel. As long as I don't violate her space and as long as I'm her slave (and give her everything she wants) she's fine with whatever else I do. And that's also why it's a good relationship. Because I give her a lot, I help her move and walk and eat and get the things she wants to play with and help her play with them when she can't figure it out. So it's not quite like with Zeus where all I wanted was the cuddles, and I couldn't give him much in return. It's much harder for me to give her everything she wants, and deal with her when she can't have what she wants, than it is for her to just sit there and listen to me tell her I love her and tell her that she's the cutest thing in the world.

And I know that I have past lives with Isis because I babysat her every night for a couple weeks while Amelia worked in the army and my parents were on vacation. So I woke up with her at 5 in the morning and gave her a bottle, and etc. And my mom said that I had balanced some karma that I owed her, by doing that. So I had to have wronged her in some way during a past life with her. Which means that i had a past life with her.

And really? Isis isn't Amelia's. As a soul, Isis doesn't belong to Amelia. Isis has probably been HER mother in the past. We're always so possessive of our family and our lovers and our kids and our spouses and our friends, but in the bigger picture, souls surpass our current identities. The soul is larger than who it embodies as. So, I have every right to express my connection with Isis. She's not my daughter, but in case you haven't picked it up by now, I'm a realistic person, I can see that she's not my daughter.

I guess that other people feel that there are some invisible boundaries, that I'm overstepping. And I know that a lot of nosy, controlling people do. But I will say that there's a difference between me and them. Because they are always fixated on the parent, and what the parent is doing wrong. I could care less about criticizing Amelia. My mom? Yeah, I criticize her just to criticize her. But with Amelia, I'm only trying to do what I think is best for Isis. I'm not trying to take over Amelia's job, but I'm always trying to enlighten her about what I believe is a good way to handle Isis. And yes, I do get upset when she doesn't agree with me, and then I become negative about the way Amelia is doing it. But in general, I'm only trying to solve problems and make things easier for Isis. I'm just trying to fulfill her needs. It's ultimately Amelia's job, in the long run.

But she leaves Isis with my mom so much, and this is Amelia's first child so she's learning how to take care of babies. So it's always been kind of a group effort. We talk about what is best for Isis. We offer our advice and our opinions and while we babysit we try our own ideas out, and when they work - we share it with each other so that things can run smoothly.

I should work to become less attached. Because Isis is ultimately not my responsibility. It is not my role to run her life, only to offer advice. So, the outcome is not my responsibility. I should allow Amelia to make the decisions, instead of trying to force her to follow my own opinions. But it's obviously hard. If Amelia was making mistakes for her own life, it would be one thing but she's making mistakes for Isis. And that's hard when I'm obviously very devoted to Isis.

The reason I mention this is not because I want their validation, per se. It's because I wanted to show that these are their opinions and instead of just writing them off because to accept them I have to make some changes, I have processed it with discernment. I've seen ways in which they were projecting their own issues onto the situation. Like I seriously think that my mom is just jealous. She's probably never seen me care about anybody as much as I care about Isis, and especially not herself. I've never shown my mom a lot of love, just the opposite.

Or perhaps she was just a tool in this test I'm going through because if she did not put me into situations where I felt powerless, I would have no way to see if I can really accept that I do have power, despite the lack of validation from her or anybody else. Cause sometimes people are tools, and it's not a bad thing, on a deeper level she's really only offering herself to my growth, and she really doesn't feel jealous, she's just acting in a way that can be interpreted that way.

But in any case, I can see that they were misguided in some of their interpretations of the situation. So I can ignore those criticisms. But I also have to allow the truth in, and see that I am very attached in a slight too obsessive manner. And I need to let Amelia be a mother and Isis be the daughter she wants to be. They came her for each other, presumably not for me. Although we can say that they both wanted to be influenced by me (and my mom as well), to a certain degree, otherwise they wouldn't live here. But as I said, the outcome is not my responsibility. It's theirs.

I was really grouchy when I woke up. Reeeally grouchy. But I've been watching Monk and doing things on the computer... and somewhere along the lines it started raining. I can't see it, but I can hear it. And eventually it worked its magic on me and now I feel really peaceful, but not only that.

I know that if I looked outside it would still be ugly. Yellow grass and dead trees. And I think that even though I've done well to not be depressed this winter, a part of me dies with the rest of the plants during the winter.

There's just something in the trees that captures my heart. When I think about it, I always remember walking home from Mike's house in the middle of the night. Sometimes it would be raining. The lampposts would give enough light to see, and even though I'd sometimes be scared cause I was walking alone at 2 in the morning, it was also my favorite experience ever.

Listening to the rain, not seeing it but hearing it, brings back that harmony - just like if I were actually experiencing those memories all over again.

The chaos has dissipated for a few moments. It always made me sad that Mike was so fixated on my flaws. So obsessed with my flaws. Because it wasn't like that for me. There are quite a number of flaws he has and quite a number of things he's done wrong. Even though I said I was very hateful and angry while I was dating him, there was this tenderness that surpassed the flaws.

It was only for Mike. And I can't explain it any other way except to use the word "tender". Because it was just a warmth and swelling of my heart that seemed unconditional. And that's why it was so soothing, because it was forgiving. Because intellectually, I kept score of all the bad things he did, because I lectured him and got pleasure in being superior to him and etc. But I don't know if this was in my emotions, or if that was the thing, my emotions didn't ever change my mind. I could get mad at him but his flaws never seemed to matter.

Of course, this isn't unheard of. But for me, it is unheard of because I've always been very fixated on flaws, just like Mike is with me. And at the very same time I was dating Mike I was completely obsessed with Shannon's flaws, so there you go.

It just wasn't that way with Mike. I've never been in love with someone quite like that. Aside from him, of course. You know how when you're done with the relationship, you realize all of the things you hate about that person, things you should have realized in the beginning?

I think I've kind of felt that way about Mike these past two years. He has been a total shit to me. And it's almost like I still wanted to love him, but I had to keep reminding myself to face the facts, that he wasn't a good guy.

I miss believing he was. I miss just loving him unconditionally. It's a phenomenon I can't fully explain. I'm so much more guarded now. Yeah, I am one of those people who wore their heart on their sleeve until they got hurt. I mean, we had a great relationship, but when we broke up he abused me so much, and it wasn't just him, it was coming at me from all sides because he got his friends to participate too.

It's like, he was saying, I don't love you anymore because of this flaw, and guess what? Everybody else hates you because of the same flaw. So you're Satan.

It wasn't that hard to survive it. There was a lot of nervousness that I felt, but it wasn't the most horrible experience. But I kind of sobered up from my naivety. I don't know what made me regret my naivety, maybe just the shame that Mike gave me. Like he was the closest person to me, the one to experience everything I had to offer, without protective walls. Because I trusted him. And when he broke up he just threw it all back in my face and suddenly I was Satan.

It was a slap in the face. So I think now I've come to realize that you can never know when someone is going to go nuts on you. It's not that I'm afraid to be who I am. I love who I am. But I know that people don't experience who I am objectively, they experience it through their own perspective, and their own psychology interprets it. Mike needed to hate me once we broke up, for many reasons.

And his friends did too, for different reasons. But they were all in it together, pretending like the fact of the matter was, the true reality was, that I was a horrible person. And I just wanted to tell each and every one of them that they were all agreeing on a lie. It's not so much that I wasn't what they thought of me, I won't deny everything they say - it's just obvious that the whole idea was a fraud. His friends got so much pleasure out of his hate for me and I wanted to say - it's not even real.

I don't know... I think I lost it. In one of my recent surveys I said that by the end of our relationship I no longer loved him, but I was still attached to him because he was such a part of my life that I felt it would be too significant of a loss to ditch him. And that's exactly how it was. That tenderness was gone. He was so horrible to me.

I've said before that somehow Mike represented me, in that I loved myself through loving him. I know that he didn't accept my flaws, so it wasn't the way HE made me feel, it was the way I felt about him that reflected the changes in how I felt about myself. I think it was shattered during the last couple of months because Mike was slipping away from me. We were always fighting because we were always hanging out with his friends and he acted differently to me around them, he was a lot meaner. It wasn't that way during the whole relationship though.

There was just something in him that was pushing to break away from me, as soon as school started he stopped hanging out with me alone, he always made up excuses. And I suppose you could say that reality clashed with my perception.

See, although it wasn't how Mike felt about me that made me love myself, it was his acceptance of me. All my life people have been trying to change me and control me, or they've decided they don't want to be around me. Like all my ex boyfriends who ask me out and then dump me within a couple weeks because, I don't know, they no longer want to be around me.

And each time, it was an insult to my expression. Because it was always like - every single time I tried to express myself somebody shut me down. My parents were always complaining about the way I expressed myself - in fact, most people have, because I chose to express myself in a controversial way, with my harsh and accusing words and things like that, defense mechanisms in my communication that have built up from past lifetimes.

In any case, I don't know why the guys broke up with me, but for instance with Dave, I was so ready to love him, so ready to express myself to him. And he broke up with me so randomly. It's like trying to walk into a house but running into the glass door. Like you don't see the door so you make the motion to step through the doorway and hit glass abruptly. I was always making the motion to start expressing myself and then I would hit glass abruptly.

Mike and I were in our own little world. He just let me love him. I didn't have to ask him if I could love him, if it would bother him if I wanted to be with him or wanted to call him or wanted to kiss him. We were such extremists. Always attached at the hip and attached at the lips. I never got a no from him in my expression of myself. It was such a startling reality. Such a novel experience. For the first time in my life I didn't have to apologize for trying to express who I was and how I felt.

I haven't experienced THAT since. Everybody puts conditions on being with me. Like, I want to hang out with you but you can't do this or say this or be this. Mike just let me be whatever I wanted, he never stopped me. I guess it had to do with his recessive personality, because it's changed. Now that he expresses himself more... he doesn't accept me as much.

At the beginning, he was one of those quiet people who you think are really nice. You think that if they're looking at you and thinking OH WHAT AN ANNOYING PERSON that you'd be able to tell, and since you can't tell, they must be really sweet and kind. And meanwhile, they really are thinking these things.

I guess I thought Mike wasn't, but during the end he started to express these things more. I mean, he loved me, but suddenly my flaws were larger than life, suddenly I was so WRONG to express myself. Just wrong.

So when school started and he no longer wanted to be with me, essentially he was saying - I'm no longer allowing you to express yourself. Suddenly I was a bother because I wanted to spend time with him after school. Suddenly I had to apologize for the way I felt. Suddenly I was wayyyyyyyy too controlling and if I wanted him to come over to my house I was the most horrible person ever.

And then we started breaking up off and on so I was losing possession. What I mean by that is, when you break up, you realize you're no longer allowed to be intimate with them. You no longer share that bond, that connection. So, I no longer felt it was my right to be around him, to go to his house, to call him. And he actually reeeally made sure I knew that by the very end. Because he won't have a single thing to do with me. He won't let me have a single thing to do with him.

So the entire dreamworld, bubble that we were living in during the summer shattered. And I just no longer felt that tenderness for myself through him. It's like, if you can't express yourself anywhere in public, where can you express it? If I'm around a single person, I have to apologize. If I write in a journal entry, I have to apologize to the people reading it. If I write it on myspace I have to apologize, if I write it directly to someone I have to apologize. If I say it directly to someone I have to apologize. It's like I have no where to go?

I WANTED to be around people, but how could I if I couldn't express myself? How could I if I always had to ask first, IS IT OKAY... if I express myself now?

I still wanted Mike. Not so much an emotion of love, as my ego kept saying - why can't we just turn back time and go back to that dreamworld? Why can't we just pretend we still love each other? And I didn't let that go for a long time.

Amelia was a lot of help. My entire life she has always criticized my expression of myself, but she had moved out of my house and she was having trouble with Anthony so she needed support. And we just grew to have a bond. We never fought, we never clashed, our emotions never got in the way - not like they do now that she's moved back in. She completely let me express myself. Far more than Mike, in some ways. Because I was coming into my philosophical self and she respected that and admired it, in ways that Mike would just be like "that's weird".

And all that time, these two years, what have I been waiting for? Somebody to express myself to. Somebody to be intimate with again. Somebody who is willing to accept me. It's kind of the same thing about what I said with the Divine Mother concept. The way I needed to give Mike some space. I needed to accept that his life was his to govern, who he was was going to be was his choice to make and I needed to respect that in him.

I've always wanted someone to do that to me. Someone who says - yeah, you can be a little crazy, Melissa. But you know what you're doing and who you want to be and how you want to express that is up to you. Someone who didn't tried to always make me think about them.

You see, I Will Not change my bad methods of expressing myself, for other people. Because they're about the dire need to express myself. It's like a test, saying, I'm going to be the worst I can be and see if you still love me. I couldn't ever accept the fact that people would let me express myself, if I did it in a pretty way, if I did it in a compatible way to them. I had to know that I could have the freedom to express myself in any way, that I didn't have to feel unstable, I didn't have to feel that my expression was conditional - that I could only express myself in nice ways and if I slipped up UH OH I was in trouble.

I know that it's difficult to be around me when I'm at my worst. That's the point. The point is, will you let me be? No matter how I'm doing it, will you just let me be? And no, my family never could. And although my friends seemed to, I didn't trust them. I was too afraid to be myself around them, so I couldn't express myself anyway.

You do that with family, they know your worst. They see you when you just wake up, for example. They changed your diapers. etc etc etc, the list goes on. And you try to hide that from everybody else. I didn't try to hide that from Mike. That's why I felt like we were married. Because we had the intimacy of family, that you gain when you start living with somebody new, when they become your family. And that's why it felt like a divorce, in significance, when we broke up. We were literally divorced - in the sense that we had separated from each other, but our union wasn't marriage, it was a different concept.

I want to heal, and be healthy. People don't understand that. They think I'll always be at my worst. But the truth is, I just want to know that the decision is mine.

I tried to explain this to my mom and she did not grasp the concept. I said that my teacher Botsford told us that he didn't take attendance and he didn't care if we were there or not, it was our responsibility to be there and we had to be adults and make that decision. Most teachers essentially manipulate us into coming by taking away points if we're not there. He just said - hey, it's up to you.

And a lot of people abuse that, and don't come at all. But I like to come, I like to be responsible, truly. It makes me happy. And I especially enjoy coming to his class, even though it can be boring, because it's my choice. Because I know I'm not there because he's making me. I know that I'm there because I want to be. I don't want to be because it's fun, I want to be because it's responsible. That's my test. He's given that to me, he's said, I'm not going to make you come, so the test is, will you come anyway?

As an adult, I've decided to go.

My mom thinks that I'll never be responsible, I'll always be lazy and wasteful. When she goes on her trips for three weeks? I am responsible. Not as psychotically unwasteful as she is but I do turn off lights when I leave the room and things of that nature. Why do I do it? Because at heart, I want to be responsible, I want to be healthy and in sync with the natural order of things. But even though that's true all the time, why don't I do it when she's here? Because she's always trying to MAKE me do it. And I have never, in my entire life, wanted someone to get the pleasure of knowing that they've made me do something.

I've never let somebody manipulate me into doing something. That's why in a fight, I always win. For instance, when my mom goes DO THIS OR I'LL TAKE AWAY YOUR INTERNET! I say, go for it. Because I refuse to allow her to manipulate me into doing something. It's not always that I don't want to do whatever it is, although in earlier cases it was that I didn't want to go to school or whatever. But the point is - I would sacrifice anything to make the point that I refuse to be manipulated.

She always tried to bargain by taking away things that she thought were important to me, but they really weren't in comparison with this. This point was more important to me. And even though I may eventually give in (shh this is a secret), truth be told, I know that I only have to hold out until she gives up. I probably wouldn't give up the internet for the rest of my life just to make this point. But I can't live a lie. I can't live doing everything I do because I'm being made to. Even if I wanted to do the same thing, there is no distinction - it still appears that I'm doing it because I have to.

My mom has never understood that if she only backed off, I would be way more responsible than she thinks. Only a month ago she said in a firm voice that "things needed to change around here." And I reminded her that she's never been able to MAKE me do anything, so why try now? And I told her about the Botsford thing days before but she didn't understand that if she gives me freedom, I'll be more of who she wants me to be than if she tries to make me be who she wants me to be. I won't be everything, but I definitely won't be whatever she's afraid I'll be if she let's me.

It's not that she necessarily wants to control who I am, because she's always given me a lot of freedom to do what I want. But she has this insane obsession with money and with waste, she cannot stand waste. It's like people who are obsessed with organizing things, with having books straight or in alphabetical order or something and they cannot function when things are not in order. My mom can't function when things are being wasted. So she is always doing countermeasures to use as little of anything as possible. She ALWAYS makes too little dinner. I'm always wanting more dinner. I've always hated that.

I would much rather have too much dinner than too little dinner. She wouldn't. She would much rather have too little dinner than too much dinner, God forbid she wastes anything.

So she refuses to let me be, in regards to the house because she just HAS to have things her way, otherwise she can't function.

Yes, I'm sure I would find it in the DSMV.

In any case, it's the same concept with expression. My mom hasn't really controlled me in the sense that she's tried to make me be a good person. Most people make their kids do chores or get a job or do their homework etc. She's never done that. But she's always bitched about all the bad things I've done, like listen to rock music and wear black.

And she's always had a problem with my expression of myself, because it's that communication thing. She once brought me to a councilor, I don't even know what you could call her, a therapist perhaps, a psychologist maybe? Because she wanted the woman to tell me that there was something wrong with the way I communicated.

And yes, there was something wrong, but my mom never realized that there was a purpose for it. Sometimes the way we do things is wrong, but our intentions are not wrong. And she never had any faith in my intentions. People often read superficial levels. If you try to explain to them something wrong that they do, they jump to the conclusion that you hate them and you think they're a horrible person. They never seem to acknowledge that your intention was not to express hate or that they are a horrible person, it was to change things a little bit, in a productive way.

People do a lot of horrible things, because of good intentions. And I don't just mean how evil thinks that the things they are doing are good. I mean that the way people act, that is sometime perceived to be just simply arrogant, mean, defensive, cold, sarcastic, stupid etc. They build up these personality aspects for a purpose. You can blame them all you want for the wrong they're doing, but they often refuse to change because on the subconscious level, they still believe that they MUST carry out their purpose and that this is the only way to do it.

And so they need to identify that, and identify a better way to do things. Until they do that, many people just simply won't change, no matter how hard to try to make them.

I think that there's a better way to communicate. I think that my purpose can be carried out in a more harmonious way. I think that it will reflect the changes that have been made, that I'm a healthier person, that a lot of my wounds have healed and so I can function better. That's why I have changed my communication habits for the best. Not because it was the right thing to do according to my mom. Not because it was horrible to people and I felt guilty. I did it for me, because who I am is no longer expressed that way. But until things changed internally, my external behavior was adamant that it should not have to change.

I sometimes get defensive at other people's suggestions, even today. But I'm not as black and white as I used to be. I used to think that if people gave me one single suggestion they were essentially saying that I couldn't express myself. And that's the same thing with the intentions of people who are trying to help, but we jump to the conclusion that they're suddenly the enemy and it's wartime and if I don't take out my countermeasures, they're going to destroy me.

But it has been true, that a lot of people have not liked me. Have just plain, summed it up, they didn't like me. And that they refused to let me be who I was. And Mike didn't do that. I guess the extremity of how much he let me be who I was, hit me in my depths. I couldn't reach my subconscious because I didn't know what the hell the issue was. But what happened between us did touch my subconscious. Things didn't change right away, because I was still dependent on him. And that's part of the reason why things needed to end.

Because I still hadn't learned to communicate and express myself with everybody else. I was only doing it with him, only controlling myself and being responsible and mature with him.

I have grown a lot. Not completely, but I've made progress since then. I think, though, that I've brought up some walls because I feel that trusting him in such a naive way was foolish. Now I'm cautious.

I guess this all brings me to the two people I've dealt with since Mike, Dan and John. John does put conditions on who I am, and he is another one of those guys who wants me until he's got me and then he ditches me after a week. And he fucking keeps doing it. I should acknowledge that although that may never change in him, there's a reason why he's directing it at me. There's a reason why I'm attracting the kind of guy who will not let me express who I am. I just haven't applied what I've learned yet. I guess I should meditate on it. I don't yet know how I should behave towards him, how I should handle him, and what I should feel when I'm around him.

Perhaps I should just be able to love myself and love expressing myself regardless of his abrupt glass door blocking my way through the entrance. I keep trying to enter into a relationship with him and even though he invites me in the first place, invites me to be in his home to express myself there, he abruptly puts up that glass door and I don't anticipate it so I slam right into it each time. I need to learn that I don't need his invitation or his acceptance. That I can just be, no matter what. That even if he's rejected me I can still be. That I can still express myself without having to make apologies or feel guilty or bothersome.

And as far as Dan goes? I guess Dan has never recognized my flaws. He's always supported me in such an absurd way. He's always thought the best of me no matter what the truth is. It's not so farfetched, because I am a great person. I believe myself to be at heart, what he says I am. It's just that, he seems to be in denial, like he refuses to acknowledge my flaws. And when he does, they aren't even my flaws. Like he acknowledges that I lie. That would be acknowledging a flaw except I don't lie at all, except through my evasiveness - which is indirectly keeping the truth instead of outright lying.

In that sense, I don't feel threatened by Dan, surely. I don't feel unstable, I don't feel paranoid that suddenly he'll hate me, I almost don't think there's anything I could do wrong - what could I do to shatter his illusion of me? I don't know.

So when I talk to Dan I almost feel like there's a disconnect from reality. There always is, really. It's just that, most people think the worst of me - and they're so off from the reality. And he simply thinks the best of me, and he's only a little bit off from reality. Like he holds the immaculate concept. Except, as I said, he seems to be in denial. The immaculate concept would be to say - I believe that you will become beautiful. However, you don't have to be perfect, you don't have to have flawless hair and flawless skin and symmetrical, petite features. When he thinks of me, he seems to want the perfection, and the reality is, that I'm not perfect. I am beautiful, but I don't have flawless skin.

He seems to want to believe that I'm beautiful, and believe it by perceiving that I have flawless skin, which is a denial of the reality.

I don't quarrel so much about it because at least he still thinks I'm beautiful (and this is a metaphor by the way, although he does seem to think I'm beautiful, the point is that he approaches all of my personality aspects in this manner).

In any case, he has always let me express myself. And he lets me be a Divine Mother to him, what I should have been to Mike but I screwed up a little. I guess you could say that I give more to Dan than he gives to me. It's not an insult to him, it's just that the nature of our relationship is benefiting him more than it's benefiting me. It's definitely, definitely not harming me in any way. It's a healthy relationship. But it doesn't affect me the way the relationship with Mike did. And maybe that's just a part of maturing, you stop being emotionally influenced by everything around you.


BAHH. It's 8 in the morning and I have to get up at like 11 for a doctor's appointment. In order to get a working permit (because I'm 17 for a month and a half longer so I need one) I have to go see a physician and he has to sign off that I'm healthy enough to make coffee for people.

Can you sense my sarcasm? I have to pay $135 for him to be like YEP, YOU'RE HEALTHY ENOUGH TO MAKE COFFEE FOR PEOPLE FOR THE NEXT MONTH, until May 14th and then it doesn't really matter what I think because you're no longer a minor.

I'm okay with it. It's stupid but I could just wait until my birthday if I really wanted to. My mom is paying for it anyway. I just don't know if I should wait until the appointment and then go to sleep, cause I've been up all night and if I fall asleep and then wake up three hours later I'll be miserable. I'll be miserable if I stay awake until noon-thirty but it might just be easier to stay up.

So anyway I sent this message to John: "I've decided to retract my statement about not being friends. I didn't change my mind because of your not-call call. My perspective and understanding of things has simply changed. And I'm willing to go with the flow here. Obviously you're the current. And you're crazy. But I can handle it. So if you're willing to be friends, I'm willing to forgive and forget whatever I did to make you mad and whatever you did to make me mad."

And he said that he couldn't just tell Lyla we were friends again because he's always saying that we're not. So I told him I would tell her.

So I sent her this message:
"So, I've decided to forgive John. Because I told nearly two weeks ago that I didn't want to be friends any longer. I kind of just needed to break away from him, because - in all honesty, he's not trustworthy and I was trusting him. I was too close. I still don't trust him, but it's unhealthy for me to resent him and to be angry that he lies and changes his mind every two seconds. Ironically, that's the opposite of the nature of this message. He doesn't want to change his mind because of you.

See, I told him that I would like to be friends again. I'm not really eager to chat him up and I definitely don't want to hang out with him, but I need things to be neutral between us. Do you know what I mean? If I'm avoiding him and ignoring him because I'm afraid he'll hurt me or I'm angry at him - it's unhealthy for my emotional state.

So I'm trying to counter that, I'm trying to forgive him and move on. I can only hope that I don't fall for his bullshit again. Hopefully I'll be able to resist his crappy lying charm. Not to say that he'll give it to me, but I have to be honest, nothing has changed in him - from how he's felt about me all along. I still don't think he loves me or cares about me but he still has that interest in me, for whatever reason. I don't intend to encourage that interest.

So he said: you didnt make me mad. and i told lyla i wasnt talking to you anymore and this is like the 5th time, i cant just be like, oh yea, btw, me and melissa are talking again..so i dont know what to do, i wouldnt mind being friends with you, and i dont want it to sound like, snotty, or anything, you know what i mean? but yea, i dont know how lyla would react..idk.

And I said: I think you underestimate Lyla. She can handle more of the truth than you're ever willing to give her. Shielding her from reality, only ends up hurting her more.
If you want, I'll tell her that we're "friends" again.


And he said that he wanted me to ask you how you feel about it. So that's what I'm asking. I can understand that every single time John and I have been friends, things have had an unhappy ending for the three of us. But hiding from the situation doesn't help me, it may help the two of you but it doesn't help me. And I suppose since John eventually comes back to me with the offer of friendship, every time, it doesn't seem to work for him either. He'll pretend it does for a month, sometimes three or four months. But it doesn't help him.

And now I suppose I just want to know if it helps you, to pretend like the situation doesn't exist. I think that it's no different. He feels how he feels regardless of if he's talking to me or not. And I don't intend to help him cheat on you again. I haven't done so since August or whatever.

In any case, it's your move."



And I don't really care what she says. It's just that when he told me that he didn't want to be my friend because Lyla may not approve, it was that rejection thing and I recoiled because it hurts. My first instinct is to say Alright then let's not be friends. To act like I don't care. But that's a lie. It would be alright if I didn't care but I'm only pretending that I don't care. I do care, because I'm hurt that he has rejected me. The extremes are that I could be either begging him or ignoring him. But both are unhealthy, there needs to be a balance. So I'm not going to accept his rejection, I'm not going to beg for his friendship, but I'm not going to recoil at the slightest hint of a rejection.

Because I can be balanced about this. I can be in contact with him, knowing he doesn't want me as much as he wants Lyla, knowing that he has essentially rejected the idea of being my boyfriend. Right?

Well, that's the test. Can I be okay with it? I'm certainly going to try.

I'm still really offended that he loves Lyla and not me. Because he's always saying to me that he does like me... only not enough. There are plenty of people who don't love me and I'm alright with it, but he not saying that. He's saying he does like me except it's just not enough.

But I have to find a way to be okay with the rejection. To accept it for what it is. And to not be afraid to express myself anyway. I can just be and do and say whatever I want, without his invitation or acceptance. Regardless of his rejection.

I mean I know that still wants me to express myself even though he has rejected dating me. But it's not enough to know that. I have to know that even if he didn't want my expression anymore, that I would still be ready to do it.

Because that's what has made me such a recluse since Mike. I said FINE you don't want me to express myself? Fuck you, I won't be around any of you. I didn't want to discriminate, I just decided to recoil from everybody, to keep my distance from everybody.

Which was definitely unfair because what about the people who did want to be my friend? It was like I was spiting everybody. Saying, I'll give you what you want and you'll regret it. Only the people who didn't like me in the first place obviously don't regret it and the people who did mind didn't deserve to be punished in the first place. So that was a bad plan.

I just feel that I can fully express myself here, along in my room. I've found a way to do it. And I needed that. I needed a safe haven to heal and to become myself. But I can't be hidden away for ever, I have to come back out into the scary world and show that I can handle it.

You would not believe the difference it is to be in my room with the door closed and locked and then to be in my room with the door wide open. To have such directly comparable experiences. Like when you have two pictures side by side and you're trying to find the subtle things that have changed in the second picture.

Only these are not as subtle. I've just grown to feel so safe when I'm behind the locked door. Even though I experience the world through my computer, obviously I'm disconnected from people to a certain extent. I had a lot of confrontational stuff. I mean, essentially my whole lunch table told me they didn't like me. Kyle and Garland were saying it because I wouldn't let them sit in my seat during computer. In fact both of them liked me just a month later and Garland even asked me out in time. But Evah said she didn't like me and Mike said he didn't like me and Shannon was the only one, how ironic, who said that she didn't have a problem with me. Not that she liked me, but that she was neutral.

It was too hard to deal with that. I didn't believe in myself enough at that point, I wasn't secure enough to not be bothered by it. I could resist it but I wasn't protected from it. And I needed to learn how, by retreating into my little locked room. But now that I've learned how I need to apply it. I need to open my door and not be bothered by the exposed feeling, the insecurity of knowing that now somebody is perceiving me and can hate me for what they see.

I didn't realize I hadn't written in so many days. I guess because I've been concentrating on myspace, since more people can read what I express on there, than here. I haven't said everything.

I did want to say that it was hard with John, because if I admitted that he was a good person, and forgave him for what he's done, then I would feel myself slipping towards affection, which isn't what I want. I don't want to have feelings for him. So I had to remind myself that he's a complete shit, just to keep myself from liking him, and that made me hate him, and I didn't like that either.

I read what Lyla wrote to me a couple months ago. And even though it said a lot of bullshit things, like John had told me he just wanted to be friends but I couldn't expect it, and at the end she bragged that he had chosen her and not me. But it was also laced with maturity to. So I respected her for it. And I know that when the anger and excessive emotion isn't there she is mature.

I've just thought of her as nothing but a manipulative bubble of emotion for so long, I really forgot how much I liked her. So I wrote her back strongly expressing the truthful situation, which was that John made all the moves and there were a few reasons that I didn't feel bad about going behind her back: one of them being that he told me he didn't want to be with her anymore, and since moving on is a natural part of life, one that I agree with, I had no guilt over helping him move on.

But he wasn't that honest with her, apparently. He lied and made it sound like he didn't have any feelings for me at all, and he didn't want to be with me, he wanted to be with her. So she didn't realize that he was telling me that he was tired of being with Lyla and that he wanted to date me.

So yeah, he made fools out of both of us, that's lovely.

But let's not be angry, let's just forgive it and move on. So Lyla and I talked and talked, about the whole situation and we were both mature and honest. And we're friends now. We've never been especially close, she was dating Mike's best friend Joe while I was dating Mike. So the four of us hung out a lot. But this is good.

And then she asked me why I kept falling for John's lies, if I could do so much better than that. And I thought about it and then I realized that I hadn't fallen for him. I really hadn't. I mean, I haven't wanted to date him since the summer. When I talk to him, he's really sincere. You could say that the sincerest people are the best liars, because they have absolutely no guilt about lying so they can afford to sound the most sincere. Whereas some people have a problem with lying, so even when they do lie, they don't do it as naturally as they would tell the truth, they almost do it half-heartedly.

He's perfected his lying ability. And it's endearing to hear such sincerity, so in that sense, I was always attracted to that sincerity. And I was attracted to the idea of physically being close to someone, because it's essentially been since Mike, that I was close to someone. And if I wait around for Dan it could be years and years or never that I'll be close to someone. So that was alluring.

But I never wanted to be his girlfriend. He treats Lyla like shit and he can't make up his mind. I know he'll only make chaos and trouble. But I purposely ignore that fact, just to receive some attention and get some kisses, and bask in his sweet sincerity.

Even two weeks ago when he came over, I wasn't that interested. Every time he comes over I think - God, I cannot be attracted to him, can I? And I think, I guess I'm really not attracted to him. But by the time he's kissed me, I learn to forget it all and it becomes endearing again. Like the sweetness of his sincerity (personality) and his kisses (physical) combine and then my attraction is complete.

And since he's always so enthusiastic about me (at first) it just seems natural to either date him or at least be friends with benefits. I didn't know that I could date him this time because of Dan. Because it's one thing to kiss people, it's another to date someone, because that's about dedication. And how could I just throw away Dan like that? One, I wouldn't want to abandon him like that. He doesn't deserve it. And two, what kind of lie would I be living if I pretending that I don't love Dan.

I think Dan and I have just gotten into a comfortable pattern of long-distanced affection and sexual attraction and I Love Yous, that I can't imagine anything else. I can't imagine it ceasing, I can't imagine being exclusive to somebody else.

That isn't to say that it won't ever happen. If Dan fell in love with somebody, I'd let it go. I don't know that he would, because he was doing it during the time with Jen anyway. And again, it has become such a comfortable pattern, it doesn't create any chaos or trouble. It's just simple and sweet.

It's like giving your friend a hug when you're leaving or something. Just a comfortable, simple habit. And I like it that way. With such uncertainty with hellooooo John... complete uncertainty. It's nice to know that I'll wake up and Dan will still love me. Maybe one day I'll wake up and he'll be with somebody else, I'm not saying it will never happen. I'm only saying that it isn't an off and on process. John is always jerking me around. And Dan just stays constant.

So needless to say, I don't know how easy it would be to switch that off, between Dan and I. And I don't know how honest I would feel dedicating myself to another guy, I would have to like him a lot - and I don't like John that much.

And truth be told, writing this to Lyla, I reminded myself of the truth. Because previously I had forgotten. John was just really endearing when we were tangled up in each other and when I drove him home and with his Miss Yous, that I grew to like it and I wanted more.

But he wasn't satisfied so, once again, he changed his mind and abandoned me and I wanted the attention, I missed the attention and the affection.

I hesitate to say that I was using him. Because it comes down to the fact that I enjoyed him. It's as simple as that. I liked kissing him, I liked talking to him, I liked exchanging affection - I suppose it's so much easier than being dramatic about boyfriends and all. Mike and I completely changed our lives and I was so attached to how his life went, what choices he made. It's so mcuh work to get that involved with someone. And the truth is, I possessed Mike way too much. When I get married, our lives will be merged in a dramatic way and that's fine, but at this point, it just seems a waste of time.

Most of my boyfriend haven't lasted over than a week. or two weeks. John isn't any different. Mike was the only one that I really felt that he was my boyfriend. But as I said, things were serious. And I can't mess around with a dozen more guys who will only last a week, if they just don't become part of my life.

I was ready to make that commitment during the summer, I was ready to try it. But he hasn't ever wanted to become a fixture in my life. He's never wanted to be my boyfriend. He's only wanted the "in passing" affection. And that worked for me this time.

So no, I don't feel the same way about John as Lyla feels about him, and John doesn't want us to be as close as him and Lyla are, for whatever reason.

I just forgot that John never stays with me for long. That he always kisses me then ditches me. Now has been the fourth time. And numerous times more he's said he likes me or wants to hang out with me and then changed his mind a week later. He's always lying, constantly lying.

I just needed to remember that I can live without him, that I don't even want to be his girlfriend, that he doesn't mean that much to me. I was too busy being hurt to remember that I didn't really need to care.


So even though Mike added me like a month ago, we hadn't said anything yet. And I did his little quiz, and he sent me a message saying I'd done pretty well considering we hadn't been together in four years. Which is an overstatement, guys have no sense of time at all. One month will only ever be one month - not three months, okay? It's only been a little over two years since we dated.

My left eye is itching, so there's something I'm not seeing about Mike, I suppose. I can't say what. But I can say that our perception of each other has been completely screwed up for the past "four years." Maybe we both had that same dilemma I had with John, where if we admitted that each one of us were good people, then we would have no reason to not have feelings for each other, so we needed to concentrate on all the bad things, so that we could be satisfied with the separation.

Maybe I'm too attached to the situation. Maybe. But I know that I've been ready to forgive him for a long time. But he wouldn't let me, I messaged him a year ago and he said that he still hated me and we would never be neutral. I couldn't forgive him because then I would feel hurt at how much he hated me. So I had to remind myself that he was horrible, so that I could excuse the fact that he hated me.

And now that he doesn't seem to harbor any resentment or anger anymore... I feel safer forgiving him. But I'm cautious. I know that he's sensitive. That I make him feel bad when I correct him and dominate him - as I so easily do. I don't want him to be taken under my wing, he can stand on his own two feet, he doesn't need my guidance or my corrective measures. When we were dating, I treated him like a son, like I just wanted his life to go the way I wanted it to.

So I took off the bulletin that expressed that I had said Mike was gay and that I didn't love him near the end. Because to be honest? I only said those things to balance me. Because now that I had made an effort to do his quiz, now that I had taken a friendly step forward, I didn't want to put all my eggs in one basket, so just in case that didn't go well, I could always rely on my spiteful statements about how he was gay and I didn't love him in the end.

Seriously, this whole month that he's been on my friends list, I've left any mention of him out of all my survey answers. If it asked about exes, I would always talk about Dan or Dave or Miguel or someone. And this was the first time that I mentioned Mike and I knew that it was just to balance it out. It was like saying: I'm going to acknowledge you, but I'm not going to risk being nice to you just so you can throw it in my face, so I'm going to be a little mean at the same time.

It's all about power plays. I'm always falling into power plays. So I deleted the bulletin to erase the power play and to erase my spite, and to not piss him off. Because I meant it to be spiteful, although it was honest, and if he saw that, how is he supposed to feel, happy? I don't know if he saw it, it makes me think he doesn't read my bulletins at all, and maybe he doesn't. I have no clue..

In any case, for the first time since we've broken up I'm ready to stop believing that he's gay. It just seems so clear to me. You see, if you think that somebody is in the closet, and they don't know it yet, then it's like saying "I don't trust your own perception of yourself, I think I know best." Now, partly, I only ever brought up the gay thing with him to be an asshole. And partly, I really wanted to express what went on in our sex life with people, and the best way to sum it up was to say that he was abnormal about sex.

But lots of people have problems expressing themselves during sex, and it doesn't mean that they're attracted to the opposite sex. And I respect guys who are comfortable with their sexuality, but I didn't want to respect Mike for that, because I didn't want to respect him at all - because he hated me, so I leaned towards the negative option - that he was just gay.

When he added me and I went on his profile, his info said that he was straight. And just seeing that, for the first time in almost two years (because his profile has been private) - I just wanted to say, Fine, if you believe yourself to be straight, I'm going to trust you. I'm done pretending that I know better than him. I don't. I don't know how he feels. I know that he liked my body and he was ALWAYS hard. That's not gay. I know that he wasn't passionate at all, that only means he's gay if he's then passionate with guys, and there wasn't any proof of that.

I know that he touched and kissed his friends and then he wore women's underwear. Ha. The thing is, all his friends kissed him too, and I don't think they're gay. I don't think Joe is gay at all and he does every single thing that Mike does. They're just like that, they're daredevils, they don't like the restraints of embarrassment and shame, so they are always on their most abominable behavior - trying to say, WHO THE FUCK CARES?

And that's fine with me. If they can be comfortable with themselves, I admire it. If Joe can say, I have the hairiest ass in the world, but I'm proud of it... I completely respect him for that. Guys are wayyy too limited. They're always trying to control each other, keep up the appearance that they have a tough guise, that they're masculine, manly. That they don't do gay things, they're not a queer or a queen. That they don't express emotion etc.

I think it's bullshit. And if Mike wants to surpass those restraints, I more than respect him for it. It's the right thing to do, I would do it myself if I were a guy. Or maybe I only think that because I know what it's like to have the freedom of a girl, and I can't imagine any other way.

So if Mike is doing all this and he still doesn't believe he's gay, what right do I have to disagree? The sex problems are still the same. He still doesn't touch my boobs. But not every guy is a boob guy. Apparently the holy grail is lower, and whether I disagree or not, it doesn't change their fascination.

I can still be honest about this stuff. But it doesn't necessarily conclude that he's gay. And I kind of woke up from that. I kind of just took away that bias I've been in for so long. Mike has been with a hundred girls since me. That's the avenue he's taking. It's possible that all people could one day admit to themselves that they have feelings for the same sex. But until that happens, I'm going to trust Mike to make his own decision.

When I was so close to him, and I could see all the mistakes he was making and I could fill in all the mistakes with the right answers and the right options and the right behavior... I just got into such a superior mode. But now that his life isn't my business, now that his choices don't affect me - I can objectively stand back and say - I'll just have to take your word for it.

And I was wrong to try to fix him, because the truth is? I liked the reality that he couldn't fend for himself. I liked that he didn't know himself. It brought me satisfaction and pleasure because I knew better. If he didn't know the answer, I could give it to him. I enjoyed being superior, motherly. So in that sense, I accepted the reality for what it was. A part of me wanted it to just stay that way, it suited me fine.

I think I've realized that all the times I couldn't mind my own business, all the times I had to be bossy or controlling, I was never trying to help those people change. I was only trying to rub in their face my superiority. I was only getting pleasure out of the contrast of their inferiority compared with my superiority. Seriously.

So these days, I stand back and I let people run their own lives. If they can't? I'm sorry for that, they'll suffer because of it. But it's not my responsibility. It's not my life. My own life is my responsibility and I take responsibility for it. And the best thing I do? Is teach by example. Is to say, this is an option, this kind of self-awareness and productive behavior is an option... but you're going to have to make the decision.

And the truth is, I Want the decision to be made. And that's why I stand back. Because it can't happen if I'm controlling them. I can't make them something they're not, I can only control them for the time being. If someone is dependent on you, you can keep them upright for a time being, but you can never force them to have self-sustainment. As soon as you're gone, they drop to the ground.

So I've abandoned that method, and I've decided that the only way it's gonna happen is if I'm not there trying to show off the fact that I can do it. I can be firm about my belief that the productive answer is always the best answer, and that there are many different faces of productivity, so there isn't a universal answer - and yet, there IS an answer, if only one will find it.

But now, I definitely want to see it happen. I want to see the changes happen. I don't want dependency. I don't want to be superior. I want people to have the satisfaction of growing, the way I've had.

But you have to believe that it's possible. When I was towering over Mike, forcing him under my wing, coddling him and trying to make his decisions for him - it was like saying - You need me, it'll never happen without me. I believed that it would not happen, I accepted that it was just the way things were.

And now I'm standing back believing that it can happen, not that it will, but that it can. Because if I believed it will happen then I would be making the decision for him. I would be trying to force him to change. He doesn't need to change on my time, he needs to change on his own time. So I'm only sitting her believing that it can happen. That if you truly want a better life and a better reality, it CAN happen. All the work is your responsibility. All the choices are yours to make. But I know that it can happen. I'm living proof that it can happen, that growth can be attained, that changes can be made.


And by the way, I just want to say that I was very happy that I could express myself about John with Lyla, and that she took it maturely. She told me that she was really upset last year because nobody was honest with her, like the people who knew about it, didn't say anything to her. And I knew that I needed to tell her what had been going on with John and I lately. She's still with him, but I let her know and I was happy that she didn't seem angry or upset and she didn't lash out at me for it.

She handled it very maturely. I love when I can be blatantly truthful and people can handle it maturely. It's my utopia. So I was also happy that Dan allowed me to be honest about John and last night to be honest about Mike. Because as someone romantically close to me, he could easily get jealous, just as Lyla could get jealous and resentful about John and I. But even though I don't think Dan likes talking about John and Mike, I'm glad he let me talk about them.

I almost didn't want to stop because it was so nice to just be able to be honest about a part of me. Because as this journal entry brings out, John and Mike are part of what I'm going through right now. And I need to express that. And if Dan only wants to concern himself with the part of me that exclusively concerns him or the pretty things like Isis, then I'm not being my complete self.

I was enjoying the fact that I could express my thoughts about the subject with him.

[01:28] BizZyTheKiD1030: say what you want, ill read it in the morning
[01:28] BizZyTheKiD1030: peace
[01:29] IAMSpartacus117: actually I only have one thing to say.
[01:29] IAMSpartacus117: every time I hear the song "build me up buttercup" - in other words "why do you build me up, buttercup baby just to let me down and mess me around" I think of you.
[01:30] IAMSpartacus117: because that's all our friendship has been.
[01:30] IAMSpartacus117: you constantly building me up until it accumlates to a level that you can't handle and then you let me down.
[01:31] IAMSpartacus117: and I'm still here. still friends with you. I still Want to be friends with you. I don't want to be angry with you for the way you treat me.
[01:33] IAMSpartacus117: but what hurts the most is always know you don't want me as a friend or as more. because even though you talk a lot of great stuff (the build me up part) - inevitably, you're always letting me down. like that's the reality. and you always hit on me before you let me down. like you wait until after you've touched me before you reject me yet again.
[01:33] IAMSpartacus117: you're a heap of broken promises that keep telling me it's because I'm not worth it.
[01:34] IAMSpartacus117: I let you do it because it doesn't destroy me, I'm strong enough to get through the disappointment, over and over again. And I let you do it because I enjoy the build me up part. I enjoy you and your company and your attention.
[01:35] IAMSpartacus117: but it's wrong. and you can live in a self-delusional state where you're in denial about any wrong doing you do because it so completely shatters your self-image that you can't handle the guilt.
[01:35] IAMSpartacus117: but that's wrong.
[01:35] IAMSpartacus117: and meanwhile, not that you care, that's obvious, but you're hurting me.
[01:36] IAMSpartacus117: I just want you to know that it hurts to be "let down and messed around."

When Dan and I stopped talking last summer my mom told me that I was making karma by keeping the hurt in, by not expressing it. It's unhealthy to be depressed and to let it ruin your life, but it's not unhealthy to feel. And it's natural to feel hurt by other people. And I keep pretending it can't happen. I keep telling myself it doesn't happen. And I'm only stuffing the feelings inside myself, I'm probably still feeling it on some level, just not the conscious level, which is what I want, but it's still not healthy. It's a catharsis to feel, to process the pain and then release it.

It hurt when John went back to Lyla, for the millionth time. But I stuffed it away because of my pride. When he leaves me I get angry, so then instead of acknowledging my pain, I ignore it, so that I can save face. Instead of saying, Yes I care. It's like I'm saying, So what? Why should I give a damn? When I really do.

I think John is the reason I'm so hungry for attention. Because I thought about Dan and I answered that I didn't want attention from him. In fact, I don't want attention in general, I just want attention from particular people. But if not Dan, who I am usually close to, then who? Obviously it's John. Because he abandoned me, because we were close and he was in my life and then suddenly he's gone and now I'm alone again and I miss his presence.

I need to stop acting like I don't have feelings. People hurt me and I never admit it to them. I never tell them, I just process it on my own. I can't really explain what it is that makes it important about expressing to people how I feel, because there's a fine line. You don't do it for pity, or to make them feel guilty.

Maybe you do it because you're human. Because you do feel, "you" being me. I feel. And I can't act like everybody can treat me however they want because I'm immune. I have to show people that I'm human and I feel and I'm not immune. I'm not fragile, I'm just human.

So I realized I needed to express to John that it hurt when he left me the other day. But it didn't work out because last night he was talking to me and he told me to "stop talking for a sec" and he never got back to me, he just disappeared, so he thinks that's what it's about. Which, that was upsetting because I wanted attention, but when he asked me what was wrong I knew that it was important to acknowledge the deeper issue instead of blaming him for what was on the surface.

[13:59] BizZyTheKiD1030: whats the matter
[13:59] IAMSpartacus117: is there something the matter?
[13:59] BizZyTheKiD1030: you seem upset.
[14:00] IAMSpartacus117: I'm just feeling abandoned.
[14:00] BizZyTheKiD1030: why
[14:00] IAMSpartacus117: cause I was abandoned.
[14:00] BizZyTheKiD1030: i didnt abandon you lol
[14:00] BizZyTheKiD1030: something came up
[14:00] BizZyTheKiD1030: so i had to leave
[14:00] IAMSpartacus117: not last night.
[14:01] BizZyTheKiD1030: why do you feel abandoned?
[14:01] IAMSpartacus117: because I was abandoned!
[14:01] BizZyTheKiD1030: by who
[14:01] IAMSpartacus117: you.
[14:01] BizZyTheKiD1030: how
[14:01] IAMSpartacus117: think about it.
[14:02] BizZyTheKiD1030: your telling me that i left last night, thats what you've been saying over and over, if its something else just tell me
[14:02] IAMSpartacus117: it's something else!
[14:02] IAMSpartacus117: think about it!
[14:02] BizZyTheKiD1030: are you angry
[14:02] IAMSpartacus117: hurt.
[14:02] BizZyTheKiD1030: just tell me, i just woke up
[14:03] IAMSpartacus117: one day you miss me and you want to kiss me (rhyming not intended) and the next.. nothing. I'm abandoned.
[14:03] BizZyTheKiD1030: hahaha, so because i dont give you what you want, im abandoning you
[14:04] BizZyTheKiD1030: you want attention, and because you ask for it doesnt mean im going to give it to you
[14:04] IAMSpartacus117: you don't get it.
[14:05] BizZyTheKiD1030: help me understand
[14:05] IAMSpartacus117: no.
[14:06] BizZyTheKiD1030: whatever then melissa, im sorry you feel hurt but im not going to play games right now, so if you want to talk to me then talk, if not then do what you want to do
[14:06] IAMSpartacus117: How is it a game? I'm sitting here crying. I'm sad and hurt.
[14:06] IAMSpartacus117: I'm not playing a game.
[14:07] BizZyTheKiD1030: why are you hurt!?
[14:07] BizZyTheKiD1030: i didnt know you were crying.
[14:07] IAMSpartacus117: I keep telling you why I'm hurt. I'm hurt because you left me for Lyla... again.
[14:07] BizZyTheKiD1030: i didnt leave you for lyla.
[14:08] IAMSpartacus117: then why did you leave me?
[14:08] BizZyTheKiD1030: i didnt leave you
[14:08] IAMSpartacus117: bah
[14:09] BizZyTheKiD1030: i left last ngiht, but something came up with mike, and we left
[14:09] IAMSpartacus117: I am not talking about last night for God's sake.
[14:10] BizZyTheKiD1030: im saying, thats when i "left you"
[14:10] IAMSpartacus117: literally, but not metaphorically.
[14:11] BizZyTheKiD1030: but i didnt leave you for lyla, or at all
[14:12] IAMSpartacus117: I gotta go, this is going nowhere.
[14:13] BizZyTheKiD1030: ..
[14:13] BizZyTheKiD1030: bye


In retrospect, the conversation did not go well. I didn't want to say it all, I wanted him to just understand what I was referencing, and he didn't because he was fixated on last night.

He hasn't told me he's dating her again, we haven't talked about it all. But when him and her were hanging out his away message said "Lyla, you're my girlfriend" So I can only presume.

I still don't want to talk to him about it. But during the conversation I was crying, and feeling, and releasing my hurt so the conversation helped anyway, even if he still doesn't get it.

I've been wanting attention all day. Something exciting, to be noticed. I think it's because I redesigned my myspace. I haven't had it looking satisfying for a long time, but I found a website, from Mike, that has awesome flash layouts and I spent a lot of time fixing it up perfectly. And then I want people to notice it and see it and appreciate it. And bulletins have been stuck so it's like I've been trying to be noticed but it hasn't worked. And John was gone all day. And I was just anxious for attention, very restless.