I feel dejected.. about James. :(

I don't know why life is such a complete struggle of pride and that which tries to make my pride fail. Everything I come across is either a provocation of my pride, or it's an irritation to my pride. And so much of my life is dedicated to settling those things that irritate my pride. That's what a lot of my journal entries are subconsciously doing for me. They're equalizing my embarrassment. For me, it's more embarrassing to be wrong and have everybody but me aware of it, than to admit that I made a mistake. So sometimes when I admit, to my journal, that I've done something that irritates my pride, something that does the opposite of provoke my pride's smiles.... as I said, I'm black and white so if it doesn't make my pride feel good, it surely makes my pride feel bad. So when I admit these things to my journal I'm essentially balancing my pain. And thus, restoring my pride. Because I can be proud of the way I handled my mistakes.

For the first year that I had my journal, well, hell, up until the summer and even sometimes now-a-days..... I was really ashamed of my journal entries. As soon as I posted them I felt unbalanced and scared and ashamed, because unless I'm quite sure that I've expressed myself in a way that gives me pride, it must be that I've expressed myself in a way that irritates my pride. In front of others. Publically.

I'm so vain. I think this is what Pride & Prejudice has really opened my eyes to. In a purely moralistic way, I observed what Pride means to me and what part Vanity plays in my life. Because that's Austen's perspective. Specifically Elizabeth and her eldest sister have a way of seeing everything they can under the most moralistic perspective. Sometimes they deceive themselves unconsciously, that's Elizabeth's Prejudice, but their consciousness is always trying to see themselves and their situations with as good a perspective as they can.

And sometimes, I'll admit, I'm a sneaky person. Egos adapt, like Bacteria. You kill off the bacteria with medicine but it evolves into a more resistant bacteria. And that really only pushes it to become more powerful. Your attempts to destroy it have to become more empowered. The playing field has definitely been raised. So the better I get at thwarting my Ego, the better my Ego gets at thwarting my attempts to thwart it.

And because my Ego is ingrained into my throught processes, it tells me to ignore it. It tells me, that even though I know it's there, I shouldn't think about it. I should just let it be. And I listen. Until something wakes me up a little and I can better identify that this isn't what I want. I don't want this pride ingrained in me. I don't want this constant battle. I don't want this satisfaction vs. unsatisfaction based on whether I believe I've come out of the situation with pride, or if I have reason to be ashamed.

Pride, to me, isn't as obvious as it is to some people. You can often tell when someone is prideful. They boast, and a prideful person as a tendency to overestimate itself, even when it's clearly obvious to others that this person sucks in one way or another. This is when Vanity and Pride become this huge entity that play on each other to control consciousness to the point where Positive Pride is the only thing understood. Most of these people need a really rude awakening to believe themselves to be anything but great.

But my Pride is smarter than that. And that's not a prideful statement. Or maybe it is, your guess is as good as mine. It's just that, I've always been aware of truth vs. perspective. Not that there is such a thing as ultimate truth, that I could possibly see - I'll always be within my own perspective... It's not that I have a passion for objective truth, per se, because there isn't such a thing as objective truth. It's more like, I have a passion for understanding perspectives. I have a passion for understanding the truth within perspectives.

For some reason, I'm blocked from further analysis of that particular topic.

So I guess I'll just get back to the point. The point is, my Pride was never able to, in good conscience, ignore the negative. Call it insecurity, if you will. Because it was a very obsessive insecurity. But it was also a sense of humility. I think it was a battle between the most agressive pride and the shock of humility. Humility doesn't have to be insecure, you see, because it is only pride that teaches you to be ashamed. Humility doesn't put value into the better things, thus, it doesn't feel the loss of value in the bad things.

So perhaps Humility isn't the right word. I didn't even have a dose of humility. I don't know how I got that rude awakening. Maybe it was insecurity all in itself. Maybe my pride and my intelligence drove itself to such a state. The intelligence was the point I was trying to make, that I couldn't allow myself to be as close-minded as it would take to live within such a positive prideful state that I could only feel my achievements and be unaware of my faults. I was so intensely aware of my faults. Obsessively aware of my faults. Obsessively aware because these faults gave me such shame, such horrid shame.

Maybe I was just in a hugely prideful situation in a past life.... a queen or a rich man or something, and my pride was never challenged, until this lifetime. And when you are born into a challenging situation, my consciousness, that of Melissa, was formed through a baby's perspective, then a child's perspective. I think that the ego is a baby and then a child. It can't influence you the way an adult can. I can't really explain it, too much thought on my part, my brain refuses.

The point is, my ego was vulnerable when I was young, and maybe I was submitted to such a humble situation - compared to what I may have had in a past life. Even though I can't remember. My Pride has a habit that I can feel, a habit that it has gained from more than this life of Melissa...

So I think the point was that my Pride is not as obvious as some pride is. I've never observed myself, I'm sure it's obnoxiously evident. ,) And I'm sure that those with pride themselves really hate me, because they can sense it and they either feel challenged by it or it brings up the hate they have for their own pride.

In any case, my analysis of every little thing that I experience, all contact I have with the people around me, my teachers, my friends, strangers, through my homework or my pictures on myspace..... in any single way that my image is observed by someone other than my family, I'm aware of it and I'm ready with a black and white analysis, a conclusion that tells me if it brought me pride or shame. How I handled any situation brings me pride or shame.

And I can remember so many faulty situations. To many times that I handled myself so poorly. And to be honest, this is what pushes me to grow. This is what challenges me to survive, because if I'm to survive, within such a mindset, I can only create someone that I can be proud of. I can only force myself to be someone that I can be proud of. And that makes me work on that which I'm not proud of.

Maybe it's my upbringing that's given me such a moral sense of right and wrong. Or maybe I always had it but my upbringing is what's given me such a conscious sense of right and wrong. Because my mom is like BAM.... she has an intense perspective of right and wrong. I was influenced by it from early on, from hearing her perspective on things. So for a long time I had her voice in my head, reminding me. She was my conscience, questioning, every moment of the day, if this that I was doing was right or wrong.

However, I only got rid of that voice last year, when I knew that I no longer wanted her perspective telling me what was right and what was wrong. I no longer wanted her voice dictating my opinions - because it was a battle, since I knew in my heart that I disagreed with my mom on many different things. And it's nothing to be disappointed at. We have too perfectly different perspectives and they suit us each individually. Her perspective kept me in line until I was 16 and I could pull forth my own perspective. I could bring forth my own conscience. I don't think, up until that point, I was ready to listen to my heart. And my ego had too much persuasian, without my mom's voice in my head, keeping me in line, who knows what I would have become by today.

But as soon as I dropped out of school I began to truly fuse together who I was. I had moved past some of the parts of me that couldn't except myself or see the whole of me. Now I feel like I've just reached inside of myself, to the depths, the unknowing darkness, and pulled out what was previously rejected for whateve reason. I feel more whole. I feel like my perspective more truly represents me. I feel like I can understand myself better, because I'm nearer to myself than I was before. I was disconnected before.

And now there isn't a thing my mom could say to make me doubt my own perspective. Her voice doesn't scratch against my better judgement. And I think that's what led us to have a decent relationship. Before that, I just couldn't stand her. I think a part of me could feel my dependency to her and it aggravated me. I wanted to be free from her. I wasn't free from her no matter how much I escaped, and every time I was around her it enforced my dependency, it fueled my dependency. Because I could always hear her perspective and such.

And you know, I think my mom's perspective has grown, though. I find that, the voice that was in my head is not entirely the same as the voice I often hear. Granted, without the agitation she gave me, I can see her in a more unbiased manner. But I think it's more than that. She's grown out of her own mental boxes that I couldn't agree with but I was pretty much forcing myself to agree with. I adopted her perspective for my conscience so my conscience kept telling me, do this or do that or don't do that and I hated having its constant scrutinty and critical eye on everything I did.

I'm not sure I've even created my own conscience. Perhaps a conscience, by abstract definition, is a failsafe. It's a reminder, in case you slip up.

And I no longer need that. I no longer need a reminder. I don't feel like I'm in any danger of being bad. And when I say bad, I mean right and wrong in such a deep and spiritual sense of the word. My mom has obviously taught me the deep and spiritual sense of right and wrong, and I'm grateful to her for that, but I could not adopt HER sense particular terms of right and wrong.

And you know, I'll say this with a small prideful smile.... I think that my mom has actually grown to have a perspective similar to mine in right and wrong. I think that she had a very black and white view of right and wrong and I wanted to break through it so very passionately.... and I think we both did. I did it when I felt myself returning, because this is who I am, this is a part of a belief system that belongs to the very core of my being - as far as I can tell. And then, of course, my mom and my dad have just done tons and tons of spiritual work in the past five years and ironically enough it has led them both (but I think my dad didn't have as far of a journey) to a place where their minds are open.

See, an open mind, in a lower consciousness, can, for example, make you a hippie. That's the first example that comes to mind. But it's a disagreeable state to be under because hippies don't have very much morality. Even though they're for love and peace, they have no controlled ideas of love and peace. They're mellow and free enough to do drugs and they love freely enough to, well, have sex with everybody. To share the love with everybody...

And I like their sense of unconventionalism. I don't think I know enough about them to really back that up, but I get the sense that they have open minds - maybe it's just the love that provokes them to have open minds. Love honestly does do this. Not romantic love but a truer sense of the word - that can be felt within someone for themselves or for any single thing or experience on Earth.

But in any case, I can't salute their unconventionalism because it has no moral foundation.

Structure, as my mom's voice was my conscience, guides lower consciousness. It keeps it from straying while it grows. And once grown, it can expand itself. It can be exposed to so much more without danger. Because it has a strength that - and this is difficult to describe, it simply has a strength that keeps it true.

In an open realm, a realm with no rules or standards, there is still true and false - better known as right and wrong. But wrong is wrong because it's untrue. And there's no better way to explain it, at this point. So we need rules to guide us until we have a strong sense of true.

Interestingly enough, I do listen. Many people say I don't listen to advice. But you see, advice is specific directions. And I refuse to listen to specific directions. I refuse for no other reason than that there is no way that at my highest potential, another person can tell me what's best for me. And since I'm trying to reach my highest potential---

When I hear, I let it sink in to my life. I let it apply to my life. Wisdom is not black and white, it's not concrete, and it's not objectively applied. So when others share their own truth or advice, I let the wisdom come out from the advice and apply itself to my life. I ask myself how this is true for me. And I let it guide me in that way. People outside of me can still bring to my attention wisdom, but not wise things. Wise things are defined, and no one can define my own wisdom. But there is a sense of wisdom that can be passed on from one to another.

My mom never defines things for me anymore. Or at least, I don't listen the way I used to make myself.

I feel. I let the wisdom of her words find its application in my own truth, so that it brings forth my personal truth instead of a defined truth. And in that way, I listen.

Power/Direction, Truth, Love, Wisdom,

The Ego: Chap 1??

I first thought that the Ego was a word created to excuse bad behavior in us. A scapegoat. And I thought, maybe it's a lie. Maybe it doesn't exist. However, something in my explanation failed.

At this rate I'm hardly going to get to 100. But I write more than some..

So I had some weird dreams that are finally semi interesting to me. Enough that I'll put them in here. The first was about buying a house. I wanted to buy a house. Which is silly because I'm 17. I suggested Amelia live with me though. And I guess the house was being sold on Monday and this was Sunday so I was going to go take a look and try to buy it if I liked it. But it was a silly idea and yet my mom wanted to go. So I asked her if The Masters thought there was any reason we should go. And they say there was, because I was soon going to have a baby. Which bothered me because I don't want a baby and I don't want to be pregnant! That's what I get for being adult enough to buy a house but not adult enough to have a family to live in it with me...

My mom told me something like, this makes $35 for birth control worth it, right? And I said that if a baby was meant to be not timing, birth control or condoms could prevent it.

So I guess Amelia and I were walking down the street and there was some kind of riot... but it was with hispanics so I exclaimed that a Mexican would rape me and that's how I'd get pregnant. But then I saw Mary-Kate and Ashley in bikinis. And I laughed really hard because I knew that with them around I wasn't likely to be the one raped.

And then I was on a field trip but I can't quite remember what happened there... It's kind of abstract, without plot.

And then I was back home but this time I was sort of part of the Charmed Ones. We had three dalmatians. I think one of our boyfriends gave it to us. But he broke back in to take the dalmatians, cause that's what our boyfriends do, they end up being demons. But he wasn't a demon and that's why we didn't want to use magic on him. However, Phoebe could still do her martial arts moves. But she didn't. She can kick a demon's ass but can't do her martial arts when it's really needed. Even one of the little boys asked why she didn't use her kung fu. I don't know who that little boy was. It could have been Piper's son but he seemed familiar to me in another way.

In any case I don't know if he took one puppy or if he just simply got away. But then a woman came... this part is vague, but the ending is that she turned into Cruella Deville. lol. I think she appeared to be someone else at first and she tried to steal the puppies.

But then the dream changed to me and Loren talking about how Stephanie had broken up with her boyfriend and took up his offer to date her. Yeah, I'm talking about my brother and my sister dating. And they are fully related. Loren isn't the one interested in dating Stephanie in real life but oh well, he is in my dream. I thought, surely, that he would take back his offer but he said he wasn't going to. So then I was talking to Stephanie about it. Because I kept thinking, ew, are they really going to have sex. And she was like, I know, I know, it's a kind of a bad way to start a relationship. It would be better if we were half or step but we're not.

And I just kept thinking, if they have babies.... but Isis then woke me up. She was 15 minutes early. My real alarm was set for 9AM.

Damn cold going around.. I had to sleep in the same bed with a victim assuring that I would share in his misery by the end of the week.

I am miserable. I've been having these dreams that aren't exactly nightmares but they've been affecting me negatively. I wake up after each one and I feel so uncomfortable, in my bed, within my body, and about going back to sleep.

I had two about a puzzle. It was like the puzzle was a real life puzzle so putting the pieces together made me have the end result, so not having all the pieces finished made the experience a little funky. That's the best I can explain it. I just know that the image of the pieces being put together was fucking disturbing. I can't explain why it was disturbing. It was just the repetition of the puzzle playing over in my head and I didn't want to be doing the puzzle. I mean this is after I woke up, I could still feel myself doing the puzzle and it was just bothersome.

I remember most of my dreams but I don't really Want to remember them. I just don't feel good after I wake up from them. And this has been lately, when I wasn't necessarily sick. I didn't start really feeling the sickness until late last night. Coincidentally I was finishing a puzzle.

Before James slept over last week I sort of believed that both of us were largely attracted to each other and yet way too shy to make a move or profess anything. I didn't assume that he had feelings for me and I've not admitted to having feelings for him, either. But it's almost like, it didn't occur to me that we would be friends for any other reason than that we were sexually attracted to each other.

So he slept over and we didn't cuddle. And it seemed natural for us to cuddle because that's what two people who are sexually attracted to each other and sleep in the same bed do. Even if they don't romantically like each other, they often still play on their attraction. I guess because I often see friends who seemingly have no physical attraction to each other and that's why they don't make a move. But perhaps they do have an attraction to each other but because of lack of romance, they don't make a move. This really didn't occur to me until moments ago.

Because I'm a female and to be honest, we fall in love like it ain't no thing and then we dramatize it to be a huge deal, and it scares guys. But honestly, it's a lie. We want that intense love naturally, for some reason, and that's why we fake it. A lot. Guys don't value it as much, so they don't fake it as much. And that's why we often scare guys away because we so readily admit to love when they don't feel it. But really, we're just telling ourselves what to believe. That's my honest generalization of women.

So my point is, sex and romance are tied together with women because as soon as it seems that we're sexually attracted to someone we jump at the opportunity to believe ourselves to be in love. So when I'm hot for a guy the first thing I think of is what it would be like for him to be my boyfriend. It doesn't mean that I am so much more madly in love with James than he is with me. It just means that I make the conclusion that James wouldn't because he would stay in the realm of pure sex, without romance. Do you see what I mean?

In any case, this is all relevant. Because perhaps he is sexually attracted to me but readily accepts that he's not going to get with me and simply wouldn't try unless he was interested in me romantically. I think that he might feel that to hit on me, to cuddle with me, would be to send me the wrong signal. And this is honestly just a theory that I can't prove or disprove unless I ask him, which I probably won't cause I'm shy.

So after he slept over and didn't cuddle with me, I asked him why he didn't cuddle with me and he didn't answer, which led me to get the feeling that he, honestly, doesn't feel the way I do, so aware of our sexual tension. That's simply it. I always assumed that there was shitload of sexual tension between us and that it was only our shyness that kept either of us from acting on it. But perhaps James doesn't see us that way. Perhaps he sees me as an attractive woman but recognizes his distance from me.

This proves another difference between men and women. Women often stay loyal to men. While men often check out women around them freely, even when they have a wife or a girlfriend. And this is because, men recognize their boundaries. They can see a beautiful woman but recognize that she isn't his to touch and hopefully he recognizes that his wife is his and he prefers it that way. But he can still identify yummy curves and sexy cleavage, no? But when women see something they want they make it their goal a lot quicker. They set their sights on it and they wish it to be theirs. Gimme attitude. So when they have a boyfriend, they hardly open their eyes up to other guys because that would be overstepping their boundaries. Because their boundaries are simply defined differently. Although I'm trying to allude to a trait by giving examples of tendencies that women have. A lot of women would still check out other guys, but this is my way of contrasting the existence of this trait, so bare with me.

Is this making sense? It's making perfect sense to me but I'm not sure that I'm explaining it fully. I was talking about something in Sociology yesterday, I mentioned it earlier but didn't explain it. In any case, I just realized that this completely relates to the topic, they intertwine and shed light on each other, but I'm too bored to go into detail at this moment, so you're not getting the full extent of my perception on the topic.

I guess I assumed that James and I were more likely to have sex than he was with anybody else besides Liz. But perhaps he doesn't feel that way. Perhaps he sees me as just another woman that he finds attractive but he'll never have sex with. And I just didn't see him like that. He's not a stranger to me that I find hot but I know I'm never going to hook up with. He's like at my disposal, I'm just too shy to make a move.

So that's what I think about when we hang out. I'm aware of the sexual tension. I feel like if we were both drunk, we'd end up having sex because it's merely our inhibitions that have kept it from happening this far. But maybe he doesn't assume that. He might not think that I want him and that's solely why he doesn't assume we could hook up if someone were willing to make a move but whatever the reason, I get the feeling that I'm off limits to him, much the way an ordinary friend would be. Even if he does want to see me naked.

And hanging out with him and everybody else on Sunday really brought that forth because Accalia was there and he has a bit of a crush on her and I know it but she doesn't so even though she was there she didn't notice when we would allude to his crush. But we would, we exchanged knowing looks and things of that nature. If I were the object of his desire, I would be Accalia. But I'm the friend that he can talk to about his object of desire. So even though I know he would still have sex with me at the drop of a hat, my friend role was brought out.

I assumed all along that us making out was an inevitable conclusion to our hanging out. It was only a matter of time before it happened. But perhaps our platonic (it took me like ten minutes to recall that word, I finally found it on wikipedia) friendship is not a prerequisite for a passionate love affair. ,) Maybe it will always be what it is today, a platonic relationships, ignorant of our sexual attraction to each other. I guess it's just that we've been building a friendship in a way that we haven't ever before. So I knew that we were creating something, thus, it would grow. I just didn't think it would grow in a way that would not inevitably become sex. Ha.

But both of us have had to confront that issue because James was dating Liz for a couple weeks and I was going to date John for a couple weeks. And I'm sure we both had to acknowledge that our friendship had to stay platonic while we were with someone else. But as soon as John was out of the way, I was back to lusting after James and I can only wonder if he had to make the same change with Liz and without Liz as I did with and without John.

So the entire point of all these paragraphs was to explain how very different I see him and I in this hour. I think about him sleeping over again and how asking him to cuddle with me would be so weird. Because the sexual tension sort of told me that we both wanted it but wouldn't ask for it. And now I feel like he doesn't think about it or want and I guess we're just simply friends. We recognize each other's sexual appeal but we're off limits to each other. So the idea of us cuddling is just strange. It doesn't feel right. And whether my opinion will change back soon or not isn't the point. I don't illustrate my feelings to tell you how I will feel tomorrow. I just find my feelings intriguing, especially when contrasted with my prior feelings. I like to identify when changes occur. They let me better enlighten myself on what I'm really like. Without the contrasts I wouldn't be able to understand myself very well. Big defines small and vice versa.

My brother always uses the term "it occurred to me" and I love it. Because instead of explaining what he believes or what he's like, since those are such absolute and limited ways of explaining things... he says that at one point in his life something struck him. And whether he disagreed later or it changed or whatever, it still, at one point occurred to him...

And that's how I write. I never write with absolutes. I find comfort in writing what occurs to me, what strikes me, what thoughts stand out in my head. And I sometimes feel apprehensive that someone will assume something concrete about it. Like that it's how I am, or how I represent myself or what I believe to be the truth. But regardless of the truth to what I say, I like to put down what occurs to me. No matter what it can later be defined as...

I want to be alone!!!!!!

I'm at school... and I have books that I'm eager to read. And it's like, no matter where I go there's someone talking or joking or laughing or singing or something. I just want SILENCE. I want to concentrate. I want to lose myself in my books, I want to have all the ability to concentrate that I need to have to understand Jane Austen's way of explaining things. It's from a different time, man, people don't talk like that anymore.

Lately, I've been giving off a humble impression. Like today I told my teacher that I didn't know half the words that we'd pulled out of a short story. And in sociology I was explaining how women identify themselves through relationships, such as boyfriends. And I wanted to say that I was speaking objectively of women, not subjectively. If I define myself through relationships, and I've had so few friends and so few lovers in the past two years, then, well, I haven't had much self-worth have I? But I have. I was speaking generally. The general tendency of a female... which nobody could learn.

And the other day when I told Roger and Ashley that I dropped out... to come to college early.

I keep wanting to tell people that I skipped a grade. I want people to know that I'm a writer, that I'm an intellectual. That I havn't needed a boyfriend or a best friend in relatively two years.

I think it's this French thing. I don't want to get into it but suffice it to say that I took a test, I got a B, and I hate getting Bs in college. I'm fucking frustrated with the test. And I pay attention, do my homework, and study, so even though I could have prepared myself a little better, what frustrated me was that the test was sort of an unfair judge of skill. There were things we hadn't learned on there and things we couldn't have anticipated. It wouldn't have been impossible to succeed, I just would have had to put in more effort than I did. Which I certainly will next time cause I'm not getting another B!

In any case, I felt frustrated and failed. Not failed the way you'd think but failed in perfection. Obviously a B is not a bad grade. It's an average good grade though and I don't like to be average. Pride is my middle name. It's weird I say that. But lately I've been coming to terms with my pride. Hopefully, this will lead me to rid myself of pride but to do this I have to acknolwedge its existence. And it does exist. I have a lot of pride. And I pride myself on my extraordinary intellect. There are those type of people who do well in school because of hard work. And I'm not one of those people. I don't succeed because of hard work. I succeed because of my adeptness to intellectual topics.

True, I can spend hours doing homework, these days. I honestly think that puzzles have given me some patience for time. I'm better able to take things slowly. Although it doesn't help the urgency in my driving, I get that from my mom, obviously. Fucking slow Athens to Catskill drivers, I hate you...

In any case, the point is, I do not feel, in the least bit, that I am giving people the idea that I'm a failure. However, I feel like I'm giving them a humble version of my achievements. I want to add in, to everything I've said lately, my reputation. I want people to know that I skipped a grade, that I have a good-sized vocabulary and that I love to use it in my writing. I want people to know that dropping out of school was not evidence of a failure but proof that with two years less schooling than an average high school graduate, and at age 16, I went to college and battled topics far beyond a 16 year old's level of relevance.

And it's pride. The reputation I probably have with people I've recently met simply isn't good enough. And to look at it objectively, I probably have a pretty good reputation, if anybody cares to take notice of it, not that everybody would.

I think it's just this French thing that really got me down. Almost like, my record no longer speaks for itself, I now have to speak for myself. Even though nobody even sees my test results, it's not my vanity that's helped, it's my confidence. I don't need validation from others, that's not how my vanity works. I don't need, although I sometimes enjoy, having someone confirm my.. talents, if you will. I just need the fuel for my confidence. I need to know that if anyone so chooses, they will see that I'm this or that, which have positive and enviable positions.

It's like, I don't need someone to tell me I'm pretty, I just need to know that if anybody looks at me, they won't be able to think me ugly. But it's based on my own standards. Which seems unvain, but I find I'm still vain, even if I don't value the standards of the people judging me. As long as I can satisfy myself, it does satisfy me. Even if someone disagrees.

In any case, I walk around with the confidence in my intellectual ability. No one looking at me knows my intellectual ability unless they have previously learned of it. But I walk around with the pride of having these abilities. It doesn't always matter if they're known, it simply lets me walk around with my head high. Because I know that if anyone tried to find out, they would find out good things. I have no shame.

This has defintely been exposed as a bigger deal than I consciously allowed it to be. It's not really ailing me, that people don't know my reputation. I was simply trying to explain those silent impulses in my head that are reminding me that I am putting myself in a humble position with those around me. And my ego would much prefer if I was boldly smart. I don't even need to brag, I just need to speak out truthfully about myself.

But it is bragging in cognito. I think bragging is defined by the relevance of its being brought up. Which is why I haven't yet told anyone that I skipped a grade. When people ask when I graduated I'll say that I didn't. And when people ask me how old I am, I simply say 17, and nothing else. It's just I've also said things that have given me a humbleish reputation. Like that thing about not knowing half the words. I wanted to tell her that I didn't just know half the words because I'm an average teen who doesn't pay attention to vocabulary and could care less what "tepid" means... which I just looked up because it's the only word I can remember from earlier today... And next time I read a story with that word I'll know what it means. See, that's what I wanted her to know. I wanted her to know that I didn't know the vocab and yet, I'm the type TO know vocab. I'm the type who loves to learn knew words and is eager to pay attention to writing and language.

We had read a story the first week of class, when my teacher was out because she was having surgery on her ankle. So we discussed the story with the dean of admissions. And the next class we had a really "ugly" story. A story that had a good purpose, I learned that class period, but was, initially, a boring and twisted story. So when our real teacher went around the class asking us what we thought, I told her that I didn't like the story, I thought it was twisted and pointless, but that I did actually like Young Goodman Brown. Because I wanted to show her that I wasn't the type of teenager who is generally just bored and disagreeable about books and stories. I do value books and stories. And since Young Goodman Brown was apparently known to be a disagreeable story, or a story that many don't enjoy because it's hard to understand and whatever.... I was proving that I can even respect a generally unlikeable story. And it wasn't a lie.

And for the record, she had asked the very first student if she liked Young Goodman Brown, so that's why I volunteered the information, knowing she was interested. :) See, relevant information, thus, not exactly bragging. Even though if I were to brag it probably wouldn't be as small as merely enjoying a story, eh?

Anyway, I guess I'm done. I was just buying time since I was getting really annoyed that my mind kept being drawn away from my story with the sound of all these strangers with meaningless (to me) lives. I just didn't give a rats ass about anything they had to say and yet, even when I didn't listen to them, I simply couldn't tune them out. Their words brought them to my attention and took away my ability to comprehend what my eyes were scanning over on the pages. And I tried to think of all the places around campus but, except for ths student lounge because that's rarely used by students, I really couldn't imagine a place for me to read. Ooh. I could also go to the study lounge. It's a tiny little place with bare walls and a table. Nobody goes in there! Perfect. Next time...

I'm funny... I'm doing this checklist in my head, to make sure I have everything I could possibly need. I've taken my pills, I've got chapstick, pens, the papers for my classes, the books for my classes, sudoku, Pride & Prejudice, hair ties, sweater etc etc etc.

So I conclude that I have everything I could possibly need and I get my backpack on my shoulder and pick up my books and start for the kitchen to get my gatorade... and then it occurs to me that I'm barefoot.

Funny that I remembered every single thing except my socks and shoes.

Well, I have an hour to kill... I have a test to study for but it's really easy studying. It's French. So instead of information, I've merely memorized some phrases and food and drinks and etc. I didn't realize how simple it woud be until I reviewed everything, which took five minutes, without breaking a sweat. So anyway, I usually read Pride & Prejudice at this point. But I forgot it... you see. And it wouldn't matter if I had more to study, but I don't. And I'm not really hungry either. So here I am rambling.

So anyway.. I don't know what to talk about because truly there are so many choices to choose from. I haven't really been detailing anything. Everything just feels squishy and messy... I don't know how to explain it. It just doesn't feel good the way it used to. But damn you, I have a whole hour so...

Well, my car broke down. Don't know why, at this point. I drove the saturn to school today. First time driving standard alone. It's not too bad. Bothersome, if anything. It feels all wrong though. The position of the seat is low. The stearing wheel is all over the place because since I don't seem to have power steering in my car, the steering wheel mostly stays in place, unless you, with definite force, turn it. I'm used to my car, so the car swerved more than I'd like it to, merely because I didn't hold the steering wheel steady AND I leaned on it. My car's steering wheel would stay straight.

So apparently I'm used to my car... It died on the way to the library. It had seemed a little iffy a couple times earlier that week but it hadn't officially shut off in the middle of my damn driving until I went to the library. But as soon as I put it in park and turned it back on I was good to go. Truth be told, I still have back up vehicles, so I'm a little sad that my car has problems, but not exactly worried. The only reason I bought the car was because I hate standard, my parents won't let me use the company van, and the green van has that ezpass issue.

Isis is really sweet. Her mimicking never gets old. Lately she's been holding the phone up to her ear and making "hewo" and "hi" sounds. And some other stuff. I don't think she realizes that the reason we put it there is because it's near our ear and then we can listen to the person on the other line. If you get on the phone and talk to her she doesn't really listen to your voice or respond. But she keeps lifting the phone up to her ear and sometimes her shoulder and talking. She even did it with my remote control this morning. I guess it kind of looks like a phone.

So, that really hot guy, named Mike, from my Sociology class is here in the lab right now. Mm. But something I honestly have to remember is that, initially, I can be impressed with someone's looks. But what sustains it is their personality. A guy has to have a hot personality. Something that intrigues me, attracts me. Otherwise, their looks get old, really quickly. There was a guy in Spencers yesterday who was soo yummy. He had a tattoo of a four leaf clover behind his ear, near the top. Weird place to put it, but I love clovers. There's another guy in my English class who has a celtic cross tattoo. It's beautiful. It's like maybe three or four inches long, on the inside of his arm. But it has so much beautiful green in it. I want to get a closer look. Tattoos don't generally impress me. But green stuff does, honestly.

Mike is with a girl who was just in my Western Civilizations class. She glared. I saw her glare at Roger a couple times and then someone else. She stands out because she has a mean look on her face. It's one thing to stare. It's another thing to glare. I'm not sure if that's just the way her face is or if she actually was thinking mean things at the time.

It's a small world.

Yesterday I hung out with Tony Sullivan's little sister. He is Jesse's best friend. Jesse is Amelia's semi boyfriend. Semi, because he's away in the navy. But they talk on the phone a lot. Tony used to call me Avril. First name basis. Class clown. All of his attention towards me was mocking, though. Although attention is pretty much always flattering to me.

Her name is Accalia. Lovely name. James has the hots for her. She's actually not bad. Usually, I either have to like someone, so I'm not threatened by them. Or I have to put them down, so I'm not threatened by them. It's hard to explain. It's just the ugly feeling I get when I've been around most people I know. Girls, particularly. I guess what it was is that the last couple years, when I've gone out with friends, it's been with Kristen, Kyle, Lindstrom, Maegan and Shannon. So I've had a lot of emotions swimming around and it's almost like my perception of myself is distorted during these times, because I'm trying to impress someone and I hate it, and I feel like I'm coming off too boring or showing off too much. In short.

But this time I was with Andrew, James, Accalia and umm Yohannes (German exchange student). Maybe James just puts me at ease. I adore being around him. Don't know what it is about him that relaxes me and pleases me but it's been constant pretty much ever since I've known him. He slept over the night before last. And in the morning he planned to go to Dennys with Andrew and whoever else was coming and I was talking to Andrew on aim about it and I hinted that they were mean to go have fun and leave me behind so he asked me if I wanted to come. People never invite me places. Like I'm not the party girl. Or the girl to ask out to dinner. Or the girl to ask out to the movies. I don't understand.. but whatever.

In any case. Accalia is strangely not threatening. You would think she would be since James likes her but James doesn't instill those types of feelings inside me. It's like I have little to prove, little to be ashamed of, and little to compete for around him. Even when he makes fun of me, I don't feel threatened or defensive. I rarely get mad, when I'm around him. I get mad at him online all the time. Cause he ignores me to play World of Worcraft. Damn game. In any case, I didn't bond with her, but I didn't feel any conflict between us, either. I didn't feel like she was threatened by me. I didn't feel like I was competing with her. I didn't feel like she was better than me, either. It was strange.

James likes to drive everywhere. No distance is too far. We drove to Athens to pick Accalia up. Then all the way to who knows where, past Albany and Rensaleer just to go to Dennys. Then back to Crossgates in Albany. Then all the way through Coxsackie to go to Catskill. Crazy kid. But whatever floats his boat. I think it's just something about having a car, having the freedom to make those decisions that gets to people like him. Last year, James drove to Coxsackie from Hoosick every once in a while but he had to wait until his mom could sacrifice the van and she uses him for babysitting A LOT. Me and his little sister got along fabulosly. :) He should invite me to sleep over. Which he has.. but he waits until he's there to mention it so it would be up to me to find my way to his house. It's nearly a two hour drive.

My point is. I wonder all the time why James and I are such good friends this year and we weren't last year. I can't tell what it is. I can't tell if it's him, if his views have changed, if his views about me have changed, if I've changed, or if the circumstances have changed. Who knows why things are different. But they are. And one of the things that stood in the way was that he lived in Hoosick. But maybe when he has his car, he'll be better able to drive to Coxsackie when he wants. Or vice versa, if I wanted to hang out with him. We've just hung out so much in the past couple months.

I kept telling myself, this past week, that if James intended to sleep over that I would tell him that he had to spoon with me. Because the last time when I couldn't sleep. It's like, when someone invades your space, your bubble, but gives you comfort - since intimacy is generally comfortable and sexy... it's alright that they invaded your space. But when you're that near someone, who is invading your space, but you can't hit home run, you know, you can't go all the way... you're almost in an awkward, in between, place. Like you're on the verge of that amazing comfort that comes with intimacy but you're not there.

I wasn't intending to propose that we made out or anything else. I just wanted us to cuddle. It seems realistic. Almost like nothing else exists, sex or romance. Just cuddling, devoid of either... all on its own. I don't know why. When I really think about it, cuddling is all about sex and romance. But whatever. I didn't think it was necessary with James. It seemed almost practical to just cuddle with him. But, alas, when the time came, I knew I couldn't do it. Could Not breech our silence on the subject. Deathly afraid. I'm trying to work on the overload of fears I've been getting lately. So that's another story.

In any case, I slept between the wall and James and it was sooo comfy. My pillows were positioned so that my torso and head were actually lying on top of one of the pillows and a second pillow was giving my head some lift. It was sooo comfy. I wouldn't normally sleep like that if James wasn't there, you know, I wouldn't purposely squish myself. But I loved it. Although I had a lot of weird dreams and one of them, wasn't exactly about James, but it was about spooning. Like my thoughts on spooning were invading my dreams because I really, really, really wanted to be doing it. Like I can't stand being that close and not doing it. And since the last time he slept next to me I also had that dream about kissing him, well, I'm just thinking it's impossible to sleep next to him as if I'm sleeping alone.

So the next morning, hahaha, I sent him a text message. Well, he was sitting right across from me but I sent myself a text on his phone and then I sent one back to him from my phone. He didn't answer. So then I started talking to Andrew on aim about it. And James knew we were talking about him and probably knew what the topic was and he wanted to know but I wouldn't let him read it. Andrew was giving me advice on the subject... although none of it helped. In any case, I think I made the topic clear. Even though, if there is a next time, I'll still be deathly afraid to mention it, at least James will know that it's what I'm thinking about and maybe that will help me. James and I have cuddled before, I don't get what the big deal is damnet. It's just so necessary...

My French class is coming up. Hopefully I will do fabulous on the tests because it prides me. I've taken a couple quizzes so far and it's a tiny itty bitty ego stroke when I'm the first person done and when it comes back with a nearly perfect score, etc. I got 100% on the Sociology quiz I took. I get my Forensic Science quiz and test results tomorrow, hopefully. And then I take the French in a half an hour. I love it. Good times. I was born to succeed in academia.

But I just couldn't make myself do it in high school. I am so, so, so glad that I did not fail a grade though. But, generally, at least in NYS, you don't fail grades, you fail classes. Like I had to repeat Biology and French 2 because I failed the course. But I was still in the original grade. To drop a grade you really have to fail a particular number of classes, or fail before high school. I'm just glad that I can still mention my skipping a grade with pride. Although I don't generally brag about it or mention it at all, it exists on my record and that's enough to make me hold my head up high, even if nobody knows why.

I tend to be very vain and yet very defiant. Like I care how I appear to others, but I don't care what they think of me. Because when my real flaws are exposed, things that I personally dislike about myself.. I'm, generally, ashamed when others also realize it. However, when it comes to a difference of opinions, I don't really care what anybody thinks of me. As long as I'm satisfied, so be it. I don't feel pressure to conform to other's likes and wants. I could care less. But if I have a huge red zit between my eyebrows, speak of the devil, I actually have one now. Ha. ha. ha. No worried, I covered it up with make up.... but when I have something like this, I get very insecure in public, because I don't want anybody else to see. :(

I love Pride & Prejudice. Have you ever read a fiction novel that has background information or details about the setting and you're like GET ON WITH IT. A writer has to decide what is relevant and interesting to a story. And often, I could care less about most of it. I ignore it. I read it but I don't process it. But with Pride & Prejudice, the background is always gossip-like. It's background information about the previous interaction at hand or some analyzation of one of the characters.

It's difficult to put in words but it's almost like, if I could choose what I wanted to know about these characters, more like, if I were there, the things that I would surmise, that would make my thought processes happy, are the things that she writes about. Even when I have to slowly read the paragraph to make sure I understand who has done what or said what, I love to. I don't want to miss any of it. She has this way of summing up all the good things. Summing up what exactly that interaction meant. And maybe all fiction writers do this, but less so. Her summaries just speak to me, honestly.

I honestly think it's her lack of setting. Nearly all of it is conversation. One conversation after another. And a couple paragraphs in between to set the character's thoughts in motion, but even then, it's almost like we get the character's opinions on the other people or the conversations. Maybe that's it. Most people seem to like the shallowest levels of life. For instance, a mere conversation. But my favorite thing to do is talk about what I've experienced. I like to share my opinions and experiences ON the experience. I like to say what it means to me, what I've figured out about the situation. I like to judge and detail the people who I interacted with. That's just the way my mind works. And it's seemingly the way Jane Austen's mind worked as well. So I'm enthralled with the book. I can keep going.

Plus, I mean, Elizabeth? Yeah, that's totally me. The spirit of me, at least. The untraditional, defiant, self-respected, strong spirit. She probably has more guts than me, I'm such a chicken, plus, her time had many more restrictions than mine does. But I agree with the moves she makes. I salute her, if you will. And I relate to her. AND, I relate to Darcy. I don't know what it is but pride intrigues me. It's crazy because I fight ego with all that I can. And yet, pride still survives in me and when I see it in others it kind of makes me smile. I do hope, in my lifetime, I will overcome my pride... be sure of that. But I like Darcy for his pride. I like Elizabeth for her strong defiance and him for his pride.

I think what intrigues me is that he loves her regardless of his pride. Maybe that's it. I like when emotions seem natural. Even though I don't believe they are, logically... I like the idea of despising someone only to find out how attracted you are to them. It isn't likely to happen to me. If it did, it would be with Shannon's boyfriend, Stogner, but I am positive that that wouldn't happen. We just have the kind of interaction that would be hate, prone to love. However, I have better control over my emotions than that. If I hated, I would hate. I wouldn't feel hate and mean love.... it's too bad. But I relate to Darcy and I think he's adorable for it. So the two favorite characters have such interaction. Man, I love it.

So I do dream about other people besides James. Yesterday morning I had a dream about Jeremiah... Long story short, he was at my house and he told me that he had liked me since last semester. And I told him I liked him too and asked why he hadn't informed me earlier. He said he didn't get the feeling that I liked him. Which is no surprise.

So then we kissed.. It was kind of a weird kiss. I could feel his mouth but not his lips. So it was like I was sinking into oblivion. I always have really weird kisses in my dreams, I'm sure that symbolizes something. Things didn't feel as "right" as they did with John. My body against John's body felt, like, in sync. It just felt right, as did kissing him. It wasn't like that with Jeremiah. But I think we were still gonna date and we did a little cuddling. I think I woke up in the middle of the cuddling.

The other day I saw him, but I was on my way to class and he was talking to someone so I just chimed in, Hey Jeremiah and kept walking. And he sort of turned to face me when he said hi, almost like he would have talked to me if I'd stopped but I was in a hurry anyway. And I hoped it wouldn't be the only time I'd see him but it has been so far. Amelia told me when I got home that she'd also seen him and they'd talked a little about how she was in the tech hall because that's where her massage therapy classes are and blah blah.

And that's just how it is. I always ignore the cute guys that I secretly want to talk with and she's always willing to smile at them and make conversation and ask them questions.

For me, it's shyness that keeps me from making conversation with strangers and it's also power games. And it's also shyness. For instance, the other day Amelia and I were walking to the parking lot together. We had separate cars but I was just going to drop something off in mine then join her. So we were walking and I pointed out that the guy in front of us was really hot, and then we split off. And he seemed to have turned on his alarm with his keys, which he quickly turned off. But he sort of said something to Amelia, like smiled at her or said it was an accident or something, I'm not sure what he said cause I was past them.

But I was like grrrr... as soon as I step off they exchange words! And it's just such an obvious reminder of the fact that I don't make eye contact with people cause I'm shy, so I'm kind of cold and distant and when people are deciding if they're going to make any kind of contact with a stranger, some of them who are probably on the edge about it, wouldn't say something to me, who sends out horrible signals, as apposed to Amelia who smiles and laughs and gets really quickly interested in other people's lives. Yeah, I'm the snob who acts like she's got better things to do than find out where someone works or some such thing. Even though, it's not always true.

But actually, the other day at school I was feeling so sad and lonely. Because it's one thing to not have strangers talk to you but I saw like 20 people from my high school. I swear, at least 20. Usually I see maybe five. And despite the fact that I pretty much knew every single one of them, I couldn't say hi to a single one of them. And it just made me feel so sad. Not only because they weren't talking to me but because they were talking to each other. Nearly every one of them was paired off with someone else from C-A.

So on my way to class I smiled at one cute guy, who smiled back, and I made noticible and pretty much steady eye contact with another cute guy, who made noticible and pretty much steady eye contact with me as well. That really made me feel better.

And I realized that the problem was not that I was lonely. I don't often get lonely. I don't mind being alone and people are more of a hassle than a pleasantry. But I don't like to be ignored. My ego, my pride do not like feeling insignificant. I like to be noticed. I like to be appraised. I like to be in a room and realize that everybody is aware that I'm there, but that I don't say anything to anyone. It's sort of like, I want to be seen and sometimes heard, in general, but I don't want to waste my time on any of them. I don't know if that quite explained it.

That was my problem with Jeremiah. I didn't want to give him attention, so I didn't talk to him. But I wanted him to notice me and to hear my answers when responding to the teacher and etc. And he did notice me but he didn't seem to be interested in me, which I largely contribute to the fact that I neither seemed interested in him. Not to say that he would have been in love with me had I shown some interest, but he's a friendly, conversational guy. And he would have given me some attention if I'd been responsive. But I wasn't.

It's kind of a queenly consciousness. I want to be the center of attention, but I want to be stared at, not stare at people. I want everybody's eyes on me but I don't want it to be a two-way street. I'm too good to give anybody else attention.

It makes me sound a touch horrible but that is, honestly, my mindset. So all the people from C-A acted like I didn't exist. And I'm actually trying to make friends this semester so I'm a little sensitive when I want people to make conversation with me and I get nothing. Not that I particularly feel like I'm missing out on their friendship, except Chet's, cause he's awesome. But they are an easy target. We already know each other, we already have something in common, easy conversation... etc. And if I can't even make friends with those dopes, who can I make friends with?

So I did feel lonely. But it wasn't that important to me, thus, it was easily remedied by cute guys giving me some attention. I usually don't smile or make eye contact with cute guys. Like I said before, I'm too shy and I prefer to be noticed, than to notice. But I had nothing to lose so.. And I don't even remember the first guy, the second guy has an ethnicity that stands out so I could pick him out of a crowd.

Anyway, I'm sitting here rather naked so I may as well go get dressed and eat and clean my room and kill the phone cause the sound is making me have a headache. Yeah, that thing should leave my room for the weekend. My parents are gone until Monday so nobody is answering the phone, since we know it's for them. Amelia pisses me off. I want to scream at her for a few things... like walking down the hall with those fucking heavy stomping feet. I HATE IT.

UGH

C'mon! Every where I look there's one friend or another having a baby or getting married. It's nuts. And I think it particularly bothers me because I'm jealous of... it's hard to explain what I'm jealous of. I don't like it when people have better lives than I do. Like if someone I'm competing with meets a celebrity or goes to Europe or something. I hate it. I'm fiercely competitive and with nearly every one. I like to have an imagine that people can be jealous of. So it goes without saying that the things I hope people are jealous of in myself are what I'm jealous of in other people.

Except, I'm not ready to have a baby or get married. I don't want to have a baby right now and I'm not even a little bit close to getting married. And I don't want to have a foolish life. Not all young marriages and young pregnancies are foolish but I'm definitely not ready to be fully independent and taking care of a baby would force that. AND I don't want to get married to someone quickly. And since I have absolutely nobody in mind... I can't even imagine trusting and depending on someone enough to marry them. I have nobody reliably in love with me. That isn't a pity statement. It's just true. I've never had someone that I can count on. I don't know what it's like to have a marriage partner. The point is, I'm so far from getting married because I haven't even met anyone yet.

But these other people are jumping at the chance to get married and have babies. And I'm jealous, I suppose. But scared, because by saying I'm jealous I'm saying I'd rather it be me pregnant or married. And yet I know that's not what I want. So I get really anxious every time I hear about someone getting married or pregnant, someone my age, people who I've gone to school with. At last that's what I think it is.

Brooke is both married and pregnant. I've known her since she was... 9? or maybe 8. That's what brought up my feelings, again.


I keep neglecting my plant. :(

Alright, my irritation has dissipated. Good riddance. I don't know why it didn't occur to me to browse to make sure it was downloading the history into the right folder. I think it occurred to me once before when I was trying to figure this out but I just looked right over it like it was invisible today.

In any case, it didn't seem to be set on the wrong folder but I specifically set it to the particular subfolder... and it didn't work. but then I tried setting it to the desktop and it automatically put a folder named aim and then a folder inside named query and then it automatically had notepad with IAMSpartacus on it, because I was practicing by IMing myself to see if it would work. I'm saying it works because, as soon as you open a window with someone it automatically saves a notepad sheet with the name of the person you're conversing with on it.

My point is, it doesn't seem to work for the folders that are inside the Trillian folder in Program files on my C drive...... but it does work for the desktop, which is fine with me. So I think it's fixed. :)

Well I was in a good mood but Trillian isn't saving my logs automatically and it's pissing me off because I don't fucking know why. A couple of the logs were saved, but then the rest of the days of conversations with that person will be missing. Some of the people have zero logs. And it says this obnoxious thing about making a new log but nothing happens. I've never had to specifically set this up so I don't see what the fuck is wrong!!!!!! But I've already looked into like three or four logs for stuff that was supposed to be saved. Like my brother sent me a link and I closed the window because I expected it to save in the log but it hadn't. Kristen gave me her number but that hadn't saved so I had to ask for it again. Etc. It's fucking annoying. Driving me nuts because I don't know how to fix it!

Yeah, so when I went back to sleep, which I hardly did, I was pretty much in bed but awake all morning, but I dozed off for enough time to have another dream about James. I don't know why.. This time we were kind of just hanging out the way we do at my house, but we were in a car. Someone else was driving and we were in a city that isn't familiar to me. And we were really close. Like both of us were in the backseat, in roughly one person's space, if you get what I mean. We didn't kiss but I did lick his neck and that's intimate enough to be a kiss, for me anyway..

Is it just me or is this the third dream I've had about kissing James? I had other dreams too but they're weird so I don't want to try explaining them.

In my dream I was talking to James and he said something about getting five hours of sleep. So at five o clock, he showed up at my house. I was still sleeping and my whole body was under the blanket, including my head... sometimes I do that. And I guess he got on top of me and woke me up. And I asked him how he'd gotten in, apparently my door was unlocked. Which rarely happens. So then I kissed him through the blanket. Kind of a weird thing to do but whatever. And then I think I kissed him without the blanket and it was an offkey kiss. They always seem to be in my dreams... But it's alright. Kisses can get better.

And then I can't remember what happened. Maybe I got up to go shower.

Wooo I love these foggy mornings. So thick, so mysterious, so beautiful. They're even lasting well into 8 or 9 AM. Usually they disappear by that time but they're really strong. I've seen quite a few of them. There are two spots around town, one with these amazing tree behind someone's house in Coxsackie and in Athens there is a sort of peninsula type piece of land. It's tiny, right behind someone's house, and it looks about the same size as a small dock. It's obviously right on the river and I don't want to photograph from the peninsula, I kind of want to photograph The peninsula, so I'm not sure if I would prefer to be on the water or just on land a tiny distance away...

But anyway, both areas I've been meaning to photograph but I've been avoiding because I have to go into someone's property... And both areas would be absolutely gorgeous with the added aid of fog. Something I should DEFINITELY do before autumn comes. Because fog is no use with bland grass and dead trees. Ugly as shit.

I don't know why I had that dream.. James was over last night and I guess, even though I wasn't particularly attracted to him last night, all these things still run through my head and apparently represent something to my subconscious.

I don't know what it is but some days my boobs are a perfectly fine size, even sexy, and some days they are just way too small... today is one of those days. I'm 17.. they're never gonna get bigger until I get pregnant. And I don't want to be pregnant. :(

Wow, I usually don't miss a few days like that. I guess it's obnoxious to write an entry a day about the things that have happened. So I prefer to wait until the end of the week and sum up the week. But that takes me hours so I get too lazy to do it and then I end up not writing anything.

There is a lot of road kill on my route to school. Usually there's like one dead animal body every once in a while but I swear there's like six or seven spread out along the trip. It's like 20 or 30 miles, I'm sure. But it's still kind of weird. I think there are two dead skunks and three dead possums and probably a few squirrels, I assume. No dead cats or anything though.

I'm eager for school to start at the beginning of the week but by the end of the week I'm also eager for school to end. It's like if I have too many days of no school, I get impatient to be back. But if I have too many days of school I'm impatient to get a break. Not to say that I don't enjoy both, because I do. I just like to get out, dress up and go to classes. But I don't like having homework every day, and there are two days worth of homework from Wed and Thursday that pile up, to be done by the next Mon and Tuesday and I like it that way. I like having a lot of time to do things. I don't like the homework from Mon and Tuesday that's rushed to be done by Wed and Thursday...

I'm always late for my Sociology class. It's the first class on Mondays and Weds and it's at 12:45. I first tried to leave by 12:25 but then I was late. So then I tried to leave at 12:15 but I was again late. So now I try to leave at 12:00. Of course when I leave at 12, I have no traffic, no cars going 35mph in a 55mph zone. But when I leave at 12:20, I have slow cars. So it's like if I leave early, I end up getting there Really early. And if I leave late, I end up getting there Really late. I know it sounds obvious but it's not.

Except today. Isis is pretty much my alarm clock. She woke me up at 8AM but I went back to sleep at 9AM. And I was hoping she'd wake me up at ten or eleven but I didn't wake up until 12.... Which was when I was supposed to be leaving in order to be on time. So I had to rush to get ready. I couldn't take my routine shower but luckily I already had clean clothes ready and there was some make up left over from the day before which helps when I'm in a hurry because my make up goes on in layers. One layer doesn't cut it, I need like five. So when one messy layer is already on, it's a lot easier to just fix it, instead of start from scratch. The art of make up. But it usually comes off in the shower, which I didn't take today. Luckily, I didn't need one. I wanted to wash my hair but it was in a pony tail and I had planned for it..

I don't know what to be for Halloween. Amelia wants Isis to be a lady bug.

I wasn't sure, in the beginning, if there was anyone in the school to make friends with. I just don't know how to go about it... I mean, I know what it's like to go to school for a few months and have so little come out of it.

And then the second day of one of my days of classes... if that makes sense, I had a little bit more hope for my classes and some of the people in it.

And then the third day of those classes, both of the guys who had previously talked to me ignored me and I can only think of two explanations, either they aren't interested in talking to me, or they want to be assured that I'm interested in talking to them before they further talk to me. I'm telling you, I send out weird signals.

I tried to be really friendly that second day of classes and I thought I was successful!

And along with both guys I kind of talked to a couple girls. But to be honest, I'm not interested in making friends with girls. I'm not just looking for guys as boyfriends, although the guy from my Sociology class is soo sexy... but I like having friends who are guys.

I don't know why I don't care about friends anymore. They're kind of irrelevant to me. Like I don't need companionship all that much. But I like to flirt and I like to impress people and I like to receive flattery - even if I make up a lot of it. I guess that's why it's easy for me to cross the line with guys who have girlfriends. Because even if I'm not interested in them or having a relationship with them, I'll still flirt and try to impress them and enjoy receiving flattery from them. Damnet, just like Shannon..

All girls talk about is boys anyway. I hate that shit. I like to talk about guys with guys, that's the best.

So the point is, boys have bonuses, even as friends. Girls are pretty much useless to me and I always compare myself to them so they're essentially threatening or I have to deal with their insecurities because they're not threatening. It's not fun to be with a friend who thinks you're prettier than her. And it's not fun to be that girl.

I'm such a cliche in this situation. But it's not the worst cliche to be, if I have to choose a couple...

Hope isn't all lost. I'm smart and sexy and witty.. I just don't know if my college has the right circumstances to bond with anyone. That's why I wish I had a sign on my forehead that had the URL to my myspace. Cause it's a lot easier to bond with people on myspace or aim than in a class or during one random conversation.

:(

I hate defending people to my family. Like no one is good enough. In fact, I have always got the feeling that people, in general, are not good enough for my mom. I can name an entire list of things that are evil in this world and pretty much the larger mass of people are associated with them. I'm not saying that they aren't wrong. The point is, she judges people for all the wrong reasons. And all I do is defend and defend and defend.

I mean, sometimes she'll say bad things about some of my friends because of the things they do like smoke or drink. And then she'll be like, well your friend Kyle - I like him. And I'll be like, guess what? He smokes and he loves to get drunk at parties and do stupid things.

It doesn't mean that smoking and drinking, especially at a young age, is right, in my eyes. It just means that you can't say that all teenagers who get drunk at high school parties are evil and all teenagers who don't get drunk are not. There's that one thing going around that describes a president who does all these horrible things and then describes someone who does all these controversial things and the one who did the bad things is like Abe Lincoln and the one who is a good member of society will be like Hitler. I can't remember it exactly but the point is the same, you can't judge a book by its cover.

And my mom judges books by their covers and perhaps their subjects. Like the entire Scifi will be evil as far as she's concerned.

And maybe my problem is that I want my friends to be good enough under my parents eyes. But in some cases, I needed them to be good enough because my parents would make decisions based on their wrong assumptions that affected my life or my friend's life. I mean, if my dad told me that I couldn't sleep over at Kristen's house because she sold drugs and she didn't really sell drugs, would I just roll over and take it or would I try to prove her innocence? That's what it's like.

I'm tired of it. I can't guarantee that I'll never get involved with someone who is "evil" but for the record, my mom was married to an "evil" person for 11 years. Plus she thinks her mom is "evil."

Although that doesn't really help my case.

I just don't have the energy to vouch for someone, to fight for him or her in my parents' eyes.

Maybe, we who want what we can't have actually don't want it. And that's why we choose what we are less likely to receive. I guess some people do it because of what I said a bit ago about the chase or desire being better than the result. But I'm thinking of myself most particularly and I want to be in a relationship but I'm afraid of being in a relationship, so I go after guys who have girlfriends because their girlfriends are the key to not getting what I'm afraid to have. It would be too obvious to not wish for someone to be with. I would be a weirdo. But instead of wishing for people available to me, it's easier to go after those who aren't available to me. Then I'm assured that I won't get what I want but secretly don't want.

I know it's redundant. And it's kind of irrelevant. I was just reading Liz's survey and she says she's single. And I know that it's very likely that they broke up within a week because they have that kind of history together, on and off.. and that James wouldn't have mentioned it to me if it did happen. And I'm just wondering if I'm glad or scared. Because he was just over tonight and it's easy to wish for him when I know I can't have him. But if I can have him, am I going to wish for him knowing that my wish might come true and that isn't what I want??

Not that anything much would be different. He's been "together" with Liz for a really long time and it's emotionally stood in the way of James and I ever having a thing. He can't seem to emotionally want anybody else but her. And yet, he doesn't seem to particularly emotionally want her either. Almost like he stays with her because she's safe. I'm not really sure how much he loves her. But who am I to know.

It's just, if they're not dating, I'm not making another guy cheat on his girlfriend. So I could, say, give James a smooch and I wouldn't expect it to be emotional but at least I wouldn't have to feel guilty for our lust.

I'm just thinking aloud. I'm so bored. I can't sleep, I don't want to eat or watch TV or read or do a puzzle or anything... There's nothing to do so I read Liz's survey.