First I make a post saying I'm going to break up with Joe. My next post says I'm not going to break up with Joe. My next post should have said that I invited Joe to move in with me. Now my next post is saying that I'm moving to VA and the one after that should say that Joe is coming with.

I am extremely nervous right now and I'm not sure why. Things have been so up in the air lately. Up in the air since I moved out, I suppose.

I feel like just throwing up. Last night I was just really stressed. But now I'm nervous. I think it all started when my manager sat me down to complete my barista certification, which is supposed to happen BEFORE you start working, not after you're done working at Starbucks. But I finally got all of my workbooks done and she wrote out comments, and then sat down with me to go over them.

She was just very... honest about how she saw me. I feel like, even though she didn't see ME, per se, it seems like she's the first one to see my actions as good and respect me for it.

Well, I lie, many people have respected my actions in the past, especially teachers. So I don't know what I'm really talking about. But in this instance, I saw myself from her perspective and respected my own worth, as an employee, but also as a person. Because these qualities reflect the person I choose to display, the qualities I choose to display.

I had so much shit from people at work, so much criticism, resentment, hate, blame - it's to be expected. And Pam has always supported me, always believed in my sincerity, trusted me, saw me as a good person - instead of through the filter of other people's problems and issues that they refuse to deal with and so make me the scapegoat for.

As I think back on it, the qualities she noticed don't really matter. She said I was very organized and proficient in all areas. She said that I was a quick learner, good with customers, that I had specific attention to detail.

I suppose it was a level of control and intent that I expressed. I was always very conscious of the things that were going on and how to keep them organized, clean and efficient. She also said I handled stress really well, and I know this to be true because a lot of people freak out under the pressure and I never let it get to me. I never let the customers get to me, nor did I ever take out my feelings on the customers. Nor did I even let my problems with other people reflect in my work. The only thing that really got to me was being stuck on register all day and that's BECAUSE it impeded my ability to express all of the qualities Pam likes. I couldn't control anything, really, because I was tied to greeting the customers. I can't get anything done right, I couldn't clean or organize or restock or prepare or keep things orderly. And I wanted to.

I guess, I had all of these good qualities being displayed throughout my six months there and I felt they were going unnoticed and unappreciated, and yet Pam was very sincere, very supportive, very appreciative. On a personal level. It was so intimidate it made me nervous and uncomfortable afterwords. But in some sense, I almost felt this release, like I'm ready to stop working at Starbucks, ready to stop putting my all into it, because finally someone has noticed that this is what I've done.

I don't really care about Starbucks, but I put my all into it anyway, because if I'm involved in something, I can't Not put my all into it. If you're not affecting things positively, you're affecting them negatively and I just couldn't stand by and watch things go to waste, I couldn't stand by and see things that needed to be cleaned or restocked or prepped or pulled - in other words, I couldn't see Where I was needed and say no.

And I guess that shows an unselfish quality, and a desire to fill the voids around the world with my expression. It doesn't feel right to watch where things are going to waste and not do something to benefit that situation. It was my responsibility to make things better. I didn't care about the customers at all, I cared about the harmony of the concept, the function, I cared that it functioned correctly - to a certain degree, especially when it concerned organization.

I put so much OCD into it that my apartment became such a mess. (also because I hate cleaning in the cold) But the thing is, I wore my OCD out, letting it express itself for hours and hours at work, and I just couldn't come home and do it all over again with my apartment. I like to keep it as clean and harmonious as work, but I traded it for putting my all into work instead.

Again, I thought I had reached some manner of unconditional love for myself. But perhaps I'm only at a five. Perhaps I'm half way there. It felt like a ten or a nine at least, but I may have a long way to go yet.

I still haven't let the love be received. I still haven't allowed myself to receive unconditional love. I am so independent, I have little to no reliance on others (except my parents and there money and all that good stuff, but I have no other choice.) In every other way, I just don't --

Wow, I've been shaking uncontrollably for the past two hours and in an instant it stopped. Which is a huge relief because my legs were aching from the constant movement. Just from writing that last paragraph, suddenly the shaking has stopped. I suppose I hit the root of something.

I feel calmer now, more peaceful. Perhaps I know why this is. I just wrote in on the forum... the only way to conquer a wound is to step outside of it, since a wound cannot heal a wound. So I think by addressing it, I made the choice to step outside of it and observe myself from a place of Being, a place of Higher Consciousness, a place of ultimate confidence and peace.

The only place that can bring you understanding.

But the shaking is slightly returning, so lets go back to that place.

I never want to let others teach me. I never want others to tell me what to do. I never want others to tell me what life is about, or give me advice, or tell me specifically what my life is about. I don't want others help. I don't want to admit that anyone else knows better.

It's like, I've accepted that my opinions don't need to be aligned with others'. I've accepted that they know best how to become More in their life. I've accepted that they have wisdom and truth. but I'm still unwilling to let anybody else.. nurture me? I'm unwilling to let anybody heal me. I'm unwilling to let anybody guide me. I'm unwilling to let there be a flow between anyone and myself. I want to keep myself separated, disconnected, independent. I can let it flow out, on special occasions, but now it's time for me to let it come in.

Nurturance. I'm unwilling to let the "Mother" nurture me. I'm unwilling to let Mother Earth nurture me. I'm unwilling to let the material universe take care of me, support me. I'm unwilling to accept the unconditional love and in that sense, the unconditional servitude of support, of sustenance. I've always felt that we had to rely on ourselves, that we had to take responsibility. And of course, we do. This is a Father quality. And I feel that I have to control everything, that I have to fight everything, that I have to MAKE EVERYTHING HAPPEN.

And I sometimes forget that I'm not working against the current. I sometimes forget that the Mother Light doesn't want to work against me. It wants to nurture me, it wants to support me. It wants to be in harmony with me. I need to feel like when I dispel the illusions that cause Mother Nature to work against me on the superficial level, though with me on the subconscious level - as it is forced to do, that it will likewise mirror my Being. It Wants to.

My body elemental once said this to me. It doesn't want to carry out my flaws and diseases, though it has no other choice. It would like nothing more than to outpicture "perfection". Harmony. For some reason, I thought that it didn't want that for me. I thought that "Mother" didn't want that for me. I thought I had to fight for it, that no one was there to support me, to support my Being. I knew that "Father" supported me, because those are my strengths, my focuses.

I just need to accept nurturance. I'm still making the decisions, expressing my Willpower and Being. But I need to accept that "Mother" is willing to be in harmony with me, is willing to give me unconditional love, is willing to flow with me, instead of be an opposing force.

Or in that sense, I'M willing to flow with "Mother" instead of feel that I'm an opposing force, instead of feel that I must swim against the current.

I'm shaking again. And I'm so tense because my legs are trying to hold the tension, still the tension and its working the muscles so much. I need to do something about that. Meditate on it. Release the need to struggle.