Ohhh my goood. Yes, Oh my good. Oh my goodness works too.

I can't do this...

I like James. He's awesome to be around and sexy and he makes me laugh obsessively. But it's so exhausting to get anything from him. And nothing will happen if I don't try.

I made him drink alcohol yesterday. But then instead of doing anything fun, we played Go Fish. Not that it wasn't fun. But I mean, we spooned all night and that was nice but I kind of feel like if I can't even get anything out of him with alcohol - which we didn't have much at all, but we had more than usual cause I don't drink and I'm rarely around alcohol - it's like we're fucked now. We did go skinny dipping, without any alcoholic incentive. Well, James had one Mike's Hard but I doubt that helped any. But

Ugh. It was nice, to have Andrew's party, to be able to see James.. without all this trying. And I miss him so much when he's gone. I asked him why he didn't talk to me for 9 months about 15 times. But I don't think he really knows why he's like that. He's not trying to be an asshole, he's just reserved and shy and has those kind of issues. I know how they feel..

Maybe I'm just stressing over this because I had 4 hours of sleep. I should nap, if I can relax.

John says:
i regret not going out with you, happy.

Melissa says:
no.

John says:
whatever, have fun at andys party, bye

Melissa says:
I don't even believe your regret. you made the choice that you really wanted.

Melissa says:
four times.

Melissa says:
and all the times in between.

Melissa says:
no "I wish things were different" can take that away.

John says:
you know what melissa your right, you really are, i did fuck you over, four times, and im sorry, believe me or dont i dont care, i wanted to be with you, i really did, but i didnt want to lose the one thing that didnt leave me, the last bit of stability i had in my life, and yes i know "its better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all, and i wanted to love you and to be close to you and spend everyday wtih you, you made me feel good, a different good then ive felt before, and i loved it. every second of it

John says:
i had so much shit floating around in my head, so many thoughs, so many regrets, so much shit i blamed myself for, and im sorry i was so selfish enough to lock myself in a box of self loathing and misery to not have enough sense to think what i was doing

John says:
to you, to lyla, to my family and friends, i understand its my fault, ive dealt with that, when i stopped talking to you i thought about you everyday, and knowing that i hurt you fucked me up even more, and no its not a guilt trip, and this probably doesnt justify what i did, and im not trying to, i just want you to understand that i truely had feelings for you and i never meant to hurt you

John says:
especially 4 times over

John says:
and i do hate hearing about who you want to have sex with who you like, what you want to do, but my opinion on it doesnt matter, i dont expect it to, your not mine, and i know you know all of this already and im pretty much wasting my time, but it just agrivates me because apart of me wants it to be me you do those things with, the person you share your life with, and because im an idiot i always think the worst about everything, idk, this is way too much for you to read and who knows you might not even read any of it, but i wanted to tell you that, and it might not change your mind about things at all, but whatever, im sorry melissa, im sorry i came into your life and fucked things up, but i still want to be your friend and im trying to make things better..

Melissa says:
I read it. and I'm glad you took the time to tell me.

Melissa says:
I forgive you for what happened last time and the time before that and etc. If I didn't, you'd probably be able to tell. But, I can't forget it because I would be an idiot to ignore the pattern. If you say that you're healthier and happier, I'm the first to WANT to believe you. And it's not that I don't. I just can't charge into this blindly, letting you have it your way again.

Melissa says:
And to be honest, I don't know what your way is. I'm completely afraid that you're going to decide you want to be with me again and then make out with me for a couple hours and go back to Lyla. If you want your stability, keep her. Don't make the same mistake again.

Melissa says:
I need to get into a relationship. Not because I need anyone, but because I'm tired of having half-lovers. I'm tired of having Dan and other guys in different states and you and etc. I don't want to go through it again. The flirting. Fuck the flirting.

Melissa says:
I don't know when I'll get what I want or how much I'll have to compromise before then, but I do know that the stupidest thing I could do is begin to flirt with you. Because you're guaranteed short-term. And maybe I want some stability now. There's only so much you can take of the kind of people who want you until they have you and then don't want you anymore.

Melissa says:
I've withstood a lot. But I think I deserve better..

Buuu, as Isis says when it's cold. Ha. I have to change into something else cause I'm doing laundry and I should wash this skirt so it's clean the next time I wear it.

So.. I'm not really sure what I intended to say when I opened this.

Yesterday I got in a big fight with Amelia and Loren. Amelia and I are over it, because we've fought so much before that this was nothing. To make a long story short, I drove, I'm bad at directions, as usual, they take it to mean that I'm a danger to society and they're going to be in the hospital if I continue driving. I stop and tell them to apologize or I'm not going, Loren takes the key, comes over to my side and insists that he has the right to kick me out and drive home himself. I remind him that I'm not a little girl, that this isn't his car, that there is absolutely no reason I shouldn't drive, that I'm not intimidated by him just because he's my older brother or taller than me. He tries to persuade me otherwise. As does Amelia.

Half an hour later, they see reason and give me back the key. But what reason they saw is merely that I was not going to give up the seat. I did also kick my brother a lot, because he didn't physically try to pull me out but he had that attitude that Colin got that one time he threw me to the floor, that attitude like, I THINK I'M RIGHT BECAUSE I'M TEN YEARS OLDER THAN YOU AND I WILL GO TO ANY LENGTH TO PROVE IT TO YOU. So I felt that it would only be a matter of minutes before he tried to physically pull me out so I kicked him every time he touched me.

I should forgive him. He did apologize for hurting me, but I think he meant physically and he didn't. I'm the one who probably hurt him. I bit his arm really hard but he said it didn't hurt. He said some mean things and I feel that there's nothing I can do to make him see who I am. And I have to realize that. I have to realize that my anger and my protests don't help them see the light. I never really meant them to. I was only defensive because I felt I had to prove myself, or at least try. I need to let them prattle on about how I suck at life and not care. Honestly, I know I'm a good driver, I know that I'm a safe driver. I know that while I may not always pay attention to directions, I pay attention to my car. I like to be able to do things smoothly and safely.

And I also need to know that I'm not driving well just to prove to them that I can. I'm driving well because I want to drive well, because I want to drive safe.

Half of their protests are just preference. I hate that shit. Seriously, if it came to a more objective look at my safety, they would see that I don't swerve all over the place, I don't slam into cars or run red lights or stop signs. I don't speed, I don't slam my breaks. I'm safe.

Just because I pull out of the parking lot a different way than you would (this is seriously what they bitched about) doesn't mean that you're justified in telling me that it's wrong. As I told Amelia while she was bitching, there is no right way to pull out of this parking lot. There were two ways, to the right and to the left. I chose one and it worked fine. Just because you would have chosen the other doesn't mean I have to. I'm the driver. I get to make those decisions.

I just realized that they are the epitome of a back seat driver. Because they're always giving me so much shit about my abilities, I thought that was what it was all about but seriously it just dawned on me that there are people all over the world like this, they even gave a name for it, back seat drivers. Jeezus, why didn't I realize that?

Sometimes I'm so defensive I can't see passed the focus on my flaws...

It's funny because during everything I do, I have this running narrator/analyzer. Like I'm bitching at Amelia for bitching at me and I'm thinking, why do we all have this anger and hate? It was weird because it was subtle. We came out of the movie, Wanted, and we didn't come out the way we came in. I didn't even feel any emotion, I just was really quick to bicker and fight. That seems to be what it was, like a defensiveness, a need to prove ourselves right, an incapability to let each other be, and a huge pigheadedness. We all had it. And that's why it culminated with that half an hour of sitting around trying to get each other to see our way. Except Loren and Amelia felt that their ways were the same.

And I can handle it, but that's the problem. When you go in it protecting yourself, you go in it expecting that you'll be hurt. Therefore you go in it getting what you want. I expect people to gang up on me and focus on my flaws. I expect them to underestimate my abilities. I would be surprised if they simply believed in me, believed in my power. It's as simple as that, had faith in my capability to be strong and safe, to be able to process a situation.

And that's what I get. I get what I expect. Only it's not really what I want. I can protect myself, but I don't do it the right way. I realized that because I felt betrayed by some of the hurtful things Loren said and I came home and I was mad so I was not tapping into recessive emotions, the "weaker emotions," if you will. So I watched a movie and talked to John, but then my mom called me back from earlier when we had called during the half hour of sitting around but she didn't answer. So I told her a little bit and she said I couldn't drive the van anymore (that's why it happened, by the way, it wouldn't have happened in my car or Amelia's car.)

After the phone call I was kind of bothered and upset so I started talking about it with John and when I got to the part where I'm hurt that Loren feels that way about me, that he said those things, I started crying, and I realized that I was actually hurt. The past couple hours I'd been so defensive about my emotions, convinced that the best way was to pretend I didn't care and just resent him and never speak to him again, that I didn't even realize that it hurt me. I didn't even feel it until I cried. And it showed me my pattern, how quickly I make up my mind to reject any connection. To not express myself to people. Like if he calls me a big baby when he's angry, he's a lost cause and I'll just have to give up and accept that he hates me - and put up my wall to protect myself.

As we were fighting, I was thinking, why is this happening? Cause I always ask myself why I'm put in this situation. There's always something to learn. Why? Because we're not meant to fight and be hurt and be cruel. We weren't created to live that way. And to me, if there's something going on of that nature, I'm unhealthy in some way, I'm doing something wrong. It's not my priority to find out what they're doing wrong. And that's what we do when we fight. We immediately begin to blame the other person, to try to fix them. Because inside, we know we're not meant to disagree and fight. We've got this mindset that says that peace is not possible. And realistically, it's not our decision to make everybody in the world get along. But we can make the decision to get along with those that want to make the same decision. People try to curb arguments and fighting sometimes, they just do it in a very selfish way by making other people give them what they want or see things their way. And they blame each other, because they feel that to be blamed is to be told with superiority that you're wrong, therefore you must change.

But it takes two to tango on many levels. You bring forth situations that you're going to participate in that will reflect where your mindset is. And I brought forth that situation, my contribution to it. Loren and Amelia will be in whatever mindset they want to. I can't stop them. But although Amelia might have kept bitching and Loren may have still thought me a big baby, it would not have culminated in that way without my participation.

So I have to ask myself why I magnetized that situation. Not on the surface layer - because obviously I refused to go on without the apology and that's when it really began. And it's not about blame because it's not about the situation. We focus too much on the situation - who was right, who was wrong. It's not about what we've done, because we've already done it.

Sometimes I blame people A LOT, and I'm negative and I'm absolutist about the fact that they're just shitty people and then I stop and I think about what it feels like to have that kind of negative energy thrown at me. And I think, is this what I want, do I want them to feel this way? And I always have to answer no. I always have to pause what I'm doing and say, am I so uncompassionate that I want even my friends to feel as horrible as I've felt?

We get so focused on how we feel, and we feel afraid that if there isn't a consensus of our opinions that they won't be true. We feel that we need more than one agreement to bring our views power. But our beliefs already have power, we already have power, and although having someone else come in brings us confidence, it does not bring us power. We already have the consensus when we do things through our Higher Self. We are already tapped into the One power, and the All-power. And on the surface level, we don't need someone else's consensus in order to have that power.

We can't misuse the power, even in a consensus. It's not meant to make other people feel worthless. We can't help if they feel worthless, but when we're afraid of our own lack of worth, we'll do anything to prove it, even put someone else down, even try to destroy their worth and thus the validity of their opinions. But we have no identity but the whole identity and destroying them does not give us a worthier identity. We need to ask ourselves, does putting them down prove anything about our worth? Aren't we still insecure and scared regardless of how much we try to make people feel insignificant? And therein lies the selfishness. Because nobody wants to admit that they want people to feel horrible. At least, not general nice people. But that's exactly what we're doing. That's exactly our aim. And we don't focus on that part of it because we're only focusing on what we think we gain from being cruel. And that justifies it in our head.

But the whole thing is an illusion. We won't gain anything by being cruel. We can only gain worth by restoring love and we can only restore love by being compassionate. Because we don't have a separate identity from all those people we try to hate. We're only trying to hate ourselves in service of an illusion. Is it logical to try to find worth in love, try to love ourselves through hate? No, but people begin by denying the whole identity and separating ourselves, distinguishing ourselves. Trying to find a single identity.

We have this word selfish. And it's wrong to be selfish not just because on the surface we have a community. But we have deeper levels of a community, a connection, an identity that runs deeper and is therefore more significant. And severing those connections, trying to sustain ourselves away from God, away from the whole is impossible. However, a lot of people call me selfish, but the truth is, focusing on myself is to focus on everyone. Because I'm not selfish, because I know that my self isn't a singular self. That to believe in just a Melissa identity is to believe in an illusion. And it will give me nothing that I want. It will give me no heart, no power, no safety, no God. It's only wrong to focus on your self when you believe your self represents a singular identity. You're missing the bigger picture - focusing on just one detail that, when taken apart from the whole, really says nothing significant about the meaning of the picture.

You can isolate a detail on the surface level to an extent. But it's an illusion to deny that underneath the surface, the identities are still isolated.

Melissa says:
tale as old as time.
Melissa says:
kids are always bothered immensely by their parents and immensely wish they weren't.

Melissa headachy says:
I'm not going to waste any more time trying to change your behavior. I've explained how I feel, and it's not my responsibility to make you understand it or apply it.
Melissa headachy says:
So if you piss me off, I'm just going to leave. And that applies to the future, in general.
Melissa headachy says:
If you can't figure out how to be respectful, I'm not going to wait around for it to happen.
Melissa headachy says:
It's that simple.

From: Zoinks! [Your] Lissa.



Date: Jun 21, 2008 4:06 AM
Subject: :)
Body: I'm so cute and philosophical when I'm dealing with heartbreak. It's adorable.


Don't look at me like that.

You wanted to know it!

Last night was crazy. I was talking to Felix and John.... speak of the devil, Felix just signed in. And I'm already talking to John.

Well, the day before yesterday John IMed me... so we talked for a few hours. It went really well. He wants to be friends, but that's what he always says so I have to take it with a grain of salt. I warned him that we still had a physical attraction and that it could lead to another climax, so to speak, and then a barren friendship - like always. Hopefully he'll heed my warning.

I really didn't think we would talk again. I mean I told Lyla that he'd be back, but you know, once you say it, you have only to wait until you're proven wrong. It's been a few months. I can't remember the last time he came over, some time in the spring.

We've known each other for nine or ten months and we've only hung out five times and made out for four of them. There was always a bit of space in between those times, more so with the last two.

And I thought I wouldn't need him anymore. I thought that I could move on. But I still haven't had sex yet. You know? Like he's my favorite sexual experience, and I can't avoid that. So that kind of tells you where I'm at when he says friends. I mean, I want to be his friend. I like him, when he's sane and happy. He has been since we began talking again, we'll see how long it lasts. But a lot of the attraction to being his friends is about my physical attraction. I think I'm more comfortable with people I'm physically attracted to, so I say more to him than I would if he were just my friend.

I dunno, I like being his friend. The reason I gave him such a hard time is that if he wanted to come over and make out with me, I'd let him. So I wanted to make sure that he wouldn't fuck up the friendship - because I would otherwise do it. It gets way too easy to make out with someone you've already made out with. It's way harder to find someone new all over again.

So whatever, we'll see how this goes. I'll just go with the flow, and enjoy what I can.

Felix was blocked on MSN the night before he texted me and said we should stop talking. So I just left him blocked. But he wasn't blocked on aim. He asked for my phone number during the week but I didn't give it to him. Last night he IMed me on aim and told me to unblock him so I did. He was the same. Told me he loved me a lot and said a lot of dirty things. The usual. He asked me if I loved him a little bit and I said no. But after that I warmed up to him a bit more. Though I still have no interest in being his sex puppet and I don't believe he loves me.

Two liars. To insane liars. Two insane liars who have had feelings for me. Two insane liars who have had feelings for me who I've had feelings for. Two insane liars who have had feelings for me who I've had feelings for who really turn me on. hahaha. I pictured screwing them so many times in my head last night.

A bit funny..

I don't know what I'm going to do. It seems like such a bad idea to walk into this. Felix is so demanding and John is really good so far, but he's been bad in the past so I have no idea what the future holds. He lets me talk about all the guys and sexual things. I like it.

I'm a sexual creature, as I heard someone say. And I like to talk about sex, and my body and people I'm interested in and people who are interested in me. I like to talk about sexual attraction and connections - emotional or otherwise. And I said a lot yesterday. He probably hated most of it. But it felt nice to be able to express myself. I like express that part of me. I can't do that when I'm worrying about not hurting feelings or making people jealous.

So I hung out with Rob last night. We went to the park. Coming away from it, I can see how it was all leading to the fact that he wanted to kiss me. And then I think, why did I come? Wasn't that just sending him the wrong signals? But you know what, I wasn't presumptuous. I mean, he did ask me to cuddle. And he said that I was interesting and attractive. But other than that, he didn't really say that this would be a date or that he was interested in me. He kind of put his arm around me. And I looked at him, because I didn't know what else to do lol, I was playing pool on my phone. And he took it to mean that I didn't want his arm there, so he took it away. Which is fine since I didn't want his arm there.

I'm not attracted to him at all. I'm attracted to John and Felix. Damnet.

So while I may still hang out with Rob, I have to let him know that I'm not interested - I'm not looking forward to it.

All the guys I've been talking to do not have sexy voices. I wish they did. John does, but I haven't yet talked to him on the phone. Rob doesn't have a sexy voice. But I noticed that after Rob, I relish Felix's voice. It's not bad at all. I think it was just not what I expected. But perhaps now that I'm used to it, it works.

I talked to Shawn on the phone, briefly. We used to talk a lot, but I don't remember his voice AT ALL. Like, even after I talked to him, it still doesn't seem familiar. He has a little bit of a Southern accent. Just a slight thing happening to his voice. He doesn't have a sexy voice but not an ugly voice. I dunno, I'm kind of obsessed. All the guys I know do not have deep voices accept John and my brother. Maybe I'm just used to my brother cause everybody else is a surprise. Sometimes my brother talks in such a baritone that I can't make out any words, just a low hum. lol.

I dunno, lots of guys. I'm hanging out with Garland on Tuesday I think. And Andrew's party is on Saturday. I don't know who else will be there. John reminded me that Andrew is friends with people like Nicole, Lyla and Kayla. So, I'm hoping they won't be there. James might be there. :p I am so hoping he is, so I can see him again. Last I heard he was dating Liz again though.

I was going to bring Kristen, but I don't know if she'll go anymore. My parents are going to be gone and I originally told her this was a good time to record her singing again. So she might come over. But you can never count on her... And things haven't been good between us since we broke up.

I think though, they're about to where they otherwise would have been if we had always been just friends. Dating gave me an excuse to be close to her. Now I don't have that excuse.

So last night my back hurt really badly, the pain had accumulated all day. But then I did some yoga, and I didn't think it would help but the positions worked, in short. I shouldn't be surprised, they're meant to affect the energy flow and relax the muscles. And they did. I was interrupted by Rob's phone call though so I only did a few. I did have my headache again after that, though. Something's going on and yoga can't rid me of it.

I'm deluding myself... again. But I can't help doing it. It seems so innocent.

Ugh. No one wants to remind themselves of the negative things.

Status: Zoinks! [Your] Lissa. is ready to backpack across Europe... in theory. Yesterday.
Mood: smitten (Update)

Aw, Loren is coming back tomorrow. He says he's running low on money and he's tired of traveling. Well, what do you expect? Traveling is hard, especially for months at a time. He's been gone for a month. I missed him, I've just been saying that in surveys. But I also was glad to have the freedom to have my space. It's not that Loren invades my space by any means. It's more that, having him here, such a good buddy, I can't help but spend time with him every night. Like there's no reason not to. It's just something we do, chill together. :p So it's like, I can't think of a good reason to spend time alone when he's here. But I need to spend time alone, especially when I write my book. I don't want him to go back to Utah and I especially want to go hiking with him. I can take him everywhere. :)

I also have been using his laptop for my book! I mean, my dad has a laptop and my mom has a laptop. I won't necessarily be without. But it was nice to have a laptop that I could keep in my room with the UBS disk, always at the ready, and I could take it outside and I didn't need to worry about using it when they weren't or finding it around the house. It was there, at the ready, for whenever I felt I needed to write. I can use my mom's but it is huge and the battery sucks, I think because it's so huge, so I need to worry about cords more than with my brother's. And I can use my dad's but then I have to convert all the files over to Pages, because his is a mac. And that takes time, time that I shouldn't have to waste when inspiration strikes. I had settled into how things were with my brother's laptop. I wasn't even writing on my own computer, even when I was in my room. Because then I would ultimately have to transfer it over to his laptop the next day when I wanted to write outside. So now I have to start writing on my computer and doing all the USB transferring to other people's laptops. Ugh.

Damn.

But I'll be happy to have him here and I hope he stays for the summer.

[23:14] WriteTheRock: do u drink?
[23:14] IAMSpartacus117: Not really.
[23:14] WriteTheRock: yeah, i drink a little
[23:15] IAMSpartacus117: I had a Christmas party but I didn't really invite anyone but Kristen and my sister invited a bunch of friends, some over 21 so there was alcohol there.
[23:16] IAMSpartacus117: and Me, Kristen and our friend Nick were sitting around each with a cup and I was like, Are we all pretending this tastes good or what?
[23:16] WriteTheRock: yeah, sometimes alcohol just makes parties stupid
[23:16] WriteTheRock: haha
[23:16] WriteTheRock: its an aquired taste, u have to compare it to seltzer, which it does
[23:16] WriteTheRock: yaste better then
[23:17] IAMSpartacus117: I drink seltzer.
[23:17] IAMSpartacus117: But it doesn't make me throw up.
[23:17] IAMSpartacus117: ;)
[23:17] WriteTheRock: why would seltzer mak u throw up?
[23:17] IAMSpartacus117: Why would I drink ANYTHING that made me throw up? That's the question.
[23:17] IAMSpartacus117: *makes
[23:18] WriteTheRock: u wouldnt
[23:18] IAMSpartacus117: People do, probably half the time alcohol is consumed.
[23:18] WriteTheRock: i know
[23:18] WriteTheRock: i have several times
[23:19] WriteTheRock: its quite gross
[23:20] IAMSpartacus117: My line says it all, as far as I'm concerned. There's so many things inherently wrong with alcohol but aside from the change in perception and feelings, which some people want or feel they need, most of it is just culture values. And so I say, are we all just pretending this tastes good? I think culturally we value it despite the fact that it's useless. And nobody says it because then they would be going against the cultural values and nobody wants to do that unless it's culturally valued - like punk.
[23:20] IAMSpartacus117: Not to be so absolutist about all the different types of people.
[23:20] IAMSpartacus117: Just the worst people.
[23:21] WriteTheRock: yeah
[23:21] WriteTheRock: i dont know, its fun but its not something to be taken lightly, because it is literally a poison
[23:22] IAMSpartacus117: Drinking wine is kind of like drinking mold.
[23:23] WriteTheRock: yeah i guess so, when u think about it
[23:23] IAMSpartacus117: It's kind of like Blue cheese.
[23:23] IAMSpartacus117: I really don't understand that either.
[23:23] IAMSpartacus117: How do you know when it's good cheese if you can only tell by how, eh, rotten it is?
[23:24] WriteTheRock: valid point
[23:24] IAMSpartacus117: Anyway, why did you ask? about me drinking?
[23:25] WriteTheRock: just wondering if u were a crazy part person like some of my friends
[23:25] IAMSpartacus117: I'm not crazy at all.
[23:25] WriteTheRock: or someone who just does it occasionally
[23:25] WriteTheRock: i know your not crazy
[23:25] IAMSpartacus117: What I mean is, I'm not wild.
[23:26] WriteTheRock: yeah
[23:26] WriteTheRock: well one thing that can be said about the social use of alcohol is that by diluting the senses it seems to help breka the ice
[23:26] WriteTheRock: but then people just keep drinking
[23:27] WriteTheRock: until they are to stupified to do anything other then drink
[23:27] WriteTheRock: too*
[23:27] IAMSpartacus117: *than
[23:27] IAMSpartacus117: ;)
[23:28] IAMSpartacus117: :p
[23:28] WriteTheRock: lol
[23:28] WriteTheRock: :-P
[23:28] IAMSpartacus117: Sorry. You corrected one thing, I thought I would help you out with the second one.
[23:28] WriteTheRock: haha
[23:28] IAMSpartacus117: Sometimes I can't help showing off.
[23:28] WriteTheRock: ditto
[23:29] IAMSpartacus117: Although today I caught myself saying "wear" instead of "where" and I was like wtf?
[23:29] IAMSpartacus117: rather, typing it.
[23:29] WriteTheRock: yeah
[23:29] WriteTheRock: i figured
[23:29] IAMSpartacus117: Right.
[23:29] IAMSpartacus117: Are you deliberately trying not to contradict or disagree with me?
[23:30] WriteTheRock: no
[23:30] IAMSpartacus117: Okay, just checking.
[23:30] WriteTheRock: lol?
[23:31] IAMSpartacus117: Truth be told, most people don't agree with me. It's a complete shocker because I'm a very sensible, honest, fair and rational person. But I think that's what they dislike. That I'm too straightforward about things that they refuse to admit. In any case, whatever it is, I have gotten the sense over the years that people don't or won't agree with me.
[23:32] IAMSpartacus117: Partly because of my own problems with not feeling that my opinions had enough worth, and then projecting it...
[23:32] WriteTheRock: i try to stay open minded
[23:32] IAMSpartacus117: What I'm saying is, I'm a little suspicious when people agree with me. Those that do are usually the ones trying to be agreeable so as not to cross paths with me.
[23:33] WriteTheRock: ok
[23:33] IAMSpartacus117: I am, in fact, quite scary when you cross my path, but I try to control myself over small things.
[23:33] IAMSpartacus117: It's just that, I can see when you type.. and sometimes you type and wait around a bit and then you stop or say something short. So I wonder if you're not saying all that you're really thinking.
[23:33] WriteTheRock: sometimes i stop because it doesnt make much sense
[23:34] WriteTheRock: or is completely irrelevant or random
[23:34] IAMSpartacus117: I see.
[23:35] WriteTheRock: or am thinking about what else to say, but then it often falls into the previous categories
[23:35] IAMSpartacus117: Ah.
[23:35] WriteTheRock: plus my comp is being slow
[23:35] IAMSpartacus117: Oh.
[23:35] WriteTheRock: whats the purpose of life?
[23:35] WriteTheRock: what do you think it is
[23:36] IAMSpartacus117: Read my book.
[23:36] WriteTheRock: lol
[23:36] IAMSpartacus117: I have a very strong opinion about what the purpose of life is.
[23:36] IAMSpartacus117: Many, and I believe that I don't have the full answer but I also believe that with the status of how things are right now, there are many things we need to do first before we can fulfill any other original meaning to life, or any future meaning to life.
[23:37] IAMSpartacus117: I don't think there's an absolute answer for every one or every time. There are answers that we share, but they don't stay absolute. They move and change when people change and progress. or degress, I suppose.
[23:37] WriteTheRock: have you started looking into publishers? how are u going to go about that?
[23:39] IAMSpartacus117: There are independent options. My dad has his own publishing... thing. As in, he writes the books and publishes it under his logo which is Moretolife Publishing and he sends it to the printers and distrubtes it independently. he has a website and he also has them on amazon.
[23:39] WriteTheRock: ok
[23:39] IAMSpartacus117: In other words, I'll publish it under his logo.
[23:39] WriteTheRock: how hard is it to like sell a book through barnes and noble?
[23:40] WriteTheRock: so its kind of like making a cd through an independent label
[23:40] IAMSpartacus117: Well, I think that barnes and noble prefers to deal with popular publishers, because they don't want to do the work of figuring out what's good or not or what will sell, so they probably take the word of the publishers, in that sense. Though I can't be certain.
[23:41] IAMSpartacus117: So I don't know how quickly they would take a book independently published.
[23:41] IAMSpartacus117: But I know that they would take a profit.
[23:41] WriteTheRock: def
[23:42] IAMSpartacus117: That's why my dad is doing things independently, essentially. Although it depends on how you look at it because the more it gets around, the more people will buy it and the more money you will make. If it doesn't get around, less people will buy it, and you'll make less money, even if you get to keep almost all of it because you didn't use any store or publisher who takes some of your profit.
[23:42] WriteTheRock: yeah, but spreading the word can be a problem
[23:42] IAMSpartacus117: But my dad's book isn't mainstream anyway, and the people who are looking for it, find it.
[23:42] IAMSpartacus117: *books
[23:43] IAMSpartacus117: My dad has like 15. my mom has two.
[23:43] WriteTheRock: sweet
[23:43] IAMSpartacus117: My book isn't mainstream either, so I'm not really fixated on whether it will sell or not.
[23:44] WriteTheRock: yeah
[23:44] IAMSpartacus117: I know that it's an amazing book. But it's not for everybody, not with their state of mind.
[23:44] IAMSpartacus117: So it's not about being popular. it's about helping and connecting with those who are ready.
[23:46] WriteTheRock: i dont think if i wrote anything it would be mainstream
[23:46] WriteTheRock: either
[23:46] WriteTheRock: b/c catering to the masses isnt what i have in mind
[23:46] WriteTheRock: you dont seem to either
[23:47] WriteTheRock: b/c the masses cant comprehend that much
[23:47] IAMSpartacus117: No. To cater to the masses is to lower my standards and I have no use for that.
[23:47] IAMSpartacus117: exactly.
[23:47] WriteTheRock: i know
[23:48] WriteTheRock: there are some good writers who are very popular, like Grisham for instance
[23:49] WriteTheRock: well he tells a good story, he's not exactly classic literary material
[23:49] IAMSpartacus117: Yeah.
[23:50] IAMSpartacus117: Even when really amazing people do become "mainstream," it's usually taken to another dimension entirely, understood at a lesser level and conquently misunderstood. And it really only becomes a habit or a fad for the masses to participate.
[23:50] IAMSpartacus117: Like, sorry to offend, Christianity. Or Buddhism.
[23:51] WriteTheRock: no offense at all
[23:51] WriteTheRock: definately not
[23:51] WriteTheRock: communism
[23:51] IAMSpartacus117: Jesus and Buddha were amazing, but I don't think that Christianity and Buddhism always reflect what's most amazing about their teachings.
[23:51] WriteTheRock: im not that familiar with buddhism, but ill take ur word for it, def with christianity
[23:52] IAMSpartacus117: Yeah. I think I lot of people follow but never really understand. So they just make a ritual out of the teachings. Something to, again, follow blindly but never truly understand or apply in the way it was meant to.
[23:52] WriteTheRock: Religion is the opiate of the masses
[23:52] IAMSpartacus117: Like going to church on sundays or going to confession in catholism.
[23:53] WriteTheRock: it makes people happy
[23:53] WriteTheRock: and good for them
[23:53] IAMSpartacus117: Or people believe it makes them happy, believe that it fulfills them.
[23:53] WriteTheRock: and if it does, thats excelent, its just not for everybody
[23:53] IAMSpartacus117: Not that I believe that the teachings don't have the ability to make people satisfied and fulfilled. They do, but not when you take them out of context and make them a blind ritual.
[23:54] WriteTheRock: yes
[23:54] WriteTheRock: can i ask another question?
[23:54] IAMSpartacus117: Yes.
[23:54] WriteTheRock: do you like to cuddle? ;-)
[23:54] IAMSpartacus117: lol.
[23:54] WriteTheRock: lol
[23:55] IAMSpartacus117: I don't really have an answer. I get asked this question in surveys and it's like I neither desire it nor dislike it. I don't really think about it. Yes, I like being physically and emotionally close to people, and that's what cuddling is about. But I've never felt particularly attracted to what the word "cuddling" portrays.
[23:55] IAMSpartacus117: I don't know why. It was just never the write verb.
[23:55] IAMSpartacus117: *right
[23:56] WriteTheRock: 1sec
[23:56] IAMSpartacus117: ok.
[23:57] WriteTheRock: i just checked out what it meant on a dictionary
[23:58] IAMSpartacus117: Sorry to make it so complicated. But, in fact, that's what writers do. They try to understand the specific meaning of words so that they can accurately portray what they mean.
[23:58] IAMSpartacus117: So what does it mean?
[23:59] WriteTheRock: to hold close in an affectionate manner; hug tenderly; fondle.
[23:59] IAMSpartacus117: I love looking up ordinary words that I've never needed to look up before, and comparing what I always had the impression they meant to what they are defined as.
[23:59] WriteTheRock: yeah
[23:59] WriteTheRock: no i dont mind you making it difficult
[23:59] WriteTheRock: its a different outlook, its intriguing
[00:00] IAMSpartacus117: Yes. I like to hold close in an affectionate manner, hug tenderly, fondle.
[00:00] WriteTheRock: lol
[00:00] IAMSpartacus117: I guess the idea of cuddling is like an act in itself. Like you just sit there and cuddle. I don't specifically like that.
[00:00] WriteTheRock: yeah
[00:00] WriteTheRock: its more just a thing that happens
[00:00] IAMSpartacus117: Yeah.
[00:01] WriteTheRock: its not let us perform the act of holding close in an affectionate manner
[00:01] WriteTheRock: forgot ""
[00:01] IAMSpartacus117: Yeah. not something you need to try to do.
[00:01] WriteTheRock: b/c that kills it
[00:01] IAMSpartacus117: Well it's contrived.
[00:01] WriteTheRock: into what>
[00:01] WriteTheRock: ?
[00:02] WriteTheRock: from what?
[00:02] IAMSpartacus117: con·trived Audio Help /kənˈtraɪvd/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[kuhn-trahyvd] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–adjective
obviously planned or forced; artificial; strained:
[00:02] WriteTheRock: yes
[00:03] IAMSpartacus117: I think it's just been made into a big deal because of that whole women/men, should we cuddle after sex, or should we be an asshole and leave?
[00:03] IAMSpartacus117: I never cuddled after sex, in fact. But I mean I cuddled when we wanted to feel close to each other.
[00:03] WriteTheRock: haha
[00:03] WriteTheRock: yeah
[00:03] WriteTheRock: being the guy i was forced to go along with it, and sometimes u just dont want to
[00:04] WriteTheRock: and if u dont, ur a fucking asshole
[00:04] IAMSpartacus117: :)
[00:04] IAMSpartacus117: Yeah, well, being a girl, you get forced to go along with sex when you really don't want to.
[00:05] WriteTheRock: i guess so
[00:05] IAMSpartacus117: and if you don't, you're useless and he's going to find someone who puts out, either while he's dating you or dump you.
[00:05] WriteTheRock: yeah, that can eb the case
[00:05] IAMSpartacus117: Guys pressure girls physically. girls pressure guys emotionally.
[00:05] WriteTheRock: so on paper it equals out
[00:05] WriteTheRock: tit for tat
[00:06] IAMSpartacus117: well. no.
[00:06] WriteTheRock: but not in the real world
[00:07] IAMSpartacus117: I don't mean to go all feminist on you but it doesn't hurt a guy to lie about his emotions to please a chick. It does hurt a chick to physically let herself be used.
[00:07] WriteTheRock: yes
[00:07] IAMSpartacus117: Not that I think women should feel that they are victims. But I just don't think that women's pressure is as destructive as men's.
[00:08] IAMSpartacus117: in fact, I think it's healthy for men to express themselves emotionally. not to just give a woman what she wants, but to elaborate and feel more.
[00:08] WriteTheRock: yes, sometimes its hard
[00:08] WriteTheRock: i am not good at it
[00:08] IAMSpartacus117: The only thing I can say is that it's probably not very healthy.
[00:09] WriteTheRock: to never say anything?
[00:09] IAMSpartacus117: I was actually just talking to myself about this today, in my blog.
[00:09] IAMSpartacus117: if you don't feel dramatically, there's nothing wrong with it. but if you feel dramatically but you suppress it, it becomes unhealthy.
[00:10] IAMSpartacus117: you neither should revel in your dramatic feelings the way women do, nor should you suppress them.
[00:10] IAMSpartacus117: You need to express yourself but resolve what prompts you to be so extreme.
[00:10] WriteTheRock: revel or reveal?
[00:10] IAMSpartacus117: revel
[00:10] WriteTheRock: ok
[00:10] IAMSpartacus117: men are usually extreme with anger anyway, and that's definitely an emotion.
[00:11] WriteTheRock: not a good one
[00:11] IAMSpartacus117: emotions can be very, very unhealthy. but rejecting them doesn't make them go away. so acting like you don't have them or can't be in touch with them, just lets them destroy you under the surface.
[00:11] IAMSpartacus117: the only way to get control of your emotional body and be happy and healthy is to express what you feel in a controlled area, and work through it.
[00:12] WriteTheRock: ever think about being a shrink?
[00:12] IAMSpartacus117: Yes.
[00:12] IAMSpartacus117: That's the point of being a psychology major.
[00:12] WriteTheRock: for most people
[00:12] IAMSpartacus117: But, I have since found out that psychology isn't enough to help people.
[00:12] IAMSpartacus117: It only scratches the surface. I dig way deeper than that.
[00:12] IAMSpartacus117: That's why I'm writing my book.
[00:13] WriteTheRock: ok
[00:13] WriteTheRock: what do u think about this?
[00:13] WriteTheRock: i think "performing the act of holding close in an affectionate manner" while at kaaterskill falls would be fun
[00:13] IAMSpartacus117: ha.
[00:14] IAMSpartacus117: I think that it would be uncomfortable.
[00:14] IAMSpartacus117: It's not like laying in the grass. It's like laying on a rock slab.
[00:14] WriteTheRock: yeah
[00:14] WriteTheRock: mmmm
[00:14] WriteTheRock: the banks of the hudson sound better
[00:15] IAMSpartacus117: So I guess I don't have to ask if You like cuddling?
[00:15] WriteTheRock: if its not contrived
[00:15] WriteTheRock: or akward
[00:16] IAMSpartacus117: Didn't you just make it contrived by preplanning it?
[00:16] WriteTheRock: oops
[00:16] IAMSpartacus117: ..
[00:16] WriteTheRock: :-!
[00:16] WriteTheRock: :-X
[00:17] IAMSpartacus117: :)
[00:17] WriteTheRock: =-O
[00:17] WriteTheRock: lol
[00:17] WriteTheRock: it wasnt my intention
[00:17] IAMSpartacus117: Anyway.
[00:18] WriteTheRock: haha, i just made it both!
[00:19] IAMSpartacus117: Both? What's the second?
[00:19] WriteTheRock: awkward
[00:19] WriteTheRock: lol
[00:20] IAMSpartacus117: I don't really get in awkward situations.
[00:20] IAMSpartacus117: Cause when things could be awkward, I just kind of step back and detach myself from the situation.
[00:20] WriteTheRock: mhmm
[00:20] IAMSpartacus117: And then I kind of watch it from afar.
[00:21] WriteTheRock: interesting way of putting it
[00:22] IAMSpartacus117: I think that awkwardness partly happens when there are expectations.
[00:22] WriteTheRock: and they dont get fulfilled
[00:22] IAMSpartacus117: And either you feel pressured to meet them or you're pressuring someone else to meet them.
[00:23] IAMSpartacus117: Yeah, so I just relax and step away from the expectations, instead of making it worse by hastely trying ot make it better because of the pressure.
[00:23] IAMSpartacus117: And I try not to have too many expectations when I'm asking something of someone else. So that they have room to say no if they want to.
[00:23] IAMSpartacus117: ... just in case you wanted to know.
[00:24] WriteTheRock: having room to maneuver is always good
[00:24] IAMSpartacus117: Not feel awkward is always good.
[00:24] WriteTheRock: yeah
[00:24] IAMSpartacus117: *feeling.
[00:25] WriteTheRock: b/c if u feel awkward, why let yourself into a potentially simular situation
[00:26] IAMSpartacus117: What?
[00:27] WriteTheRock: i dunno
[00:28] WriteTheRock: its not a great feeling o be put into a thing were u dfont neccessarily want to be
[00:28] IAMSpartacus117: Oh. I see. You're saying don't put someone else into a situation which you, yourself, dislike??
[00:29] WriteTheRock: i guess
[00:29] IAMSpartacus117: lol. I know you didn't say anything about the other person.
[00:29] IAMSpartacus117: I think I get what you meant.
[00:29] WriteTheRock: well i was referring for both people
[00:31] IAMSpartacus117: Ah.
[00:32] WriteTheRock: im kindof tired, so i may not make sense
[00:33] IAMSpartacus117: Can I ask why you'd want to cuddle up at kaaterskill?
[00:33] WriteTheRock: its a great view
[00:33] WriteTheRock: but it wouldnt be all that comfortable
[00:33] WriteTheRock: the water's relaxing
[00:33] IAMSpartacus117: Let me rephrase that. Can I ask why you would specifically want to cuddle with me?
[00:34] WriteTheRock: because it would be fun
[00:34] IAMSpartacus117: how so?
[00:35] WriteTheRock: because you are an attractive and interesting person
[00:35] IAMSpartacus117: True.
[00:36] IAMSpartacus117: But the question is, are You an attractive and interesting person?
[00:36] IAMSpartacus117: ;)
[00:36] WriteTheRock: its up to the eye of the beholder
[00:36] WriteTheRock: i like to think so
[00:36] WriteTheRock: or i would be if i lost 20 pounds
[00:36] IAMSpartacus117: I don't make decisions as quickly as you, I guess.
[00:37] WriteTheRock: it can be a good thing
[00:38] WriteTheRock: impulsivity isnt always a good thign
[00:38] IAMSpartacus117: you need to have a balance.
[00:38] IAMSpartacus117: between the two.
[00:38] WriteTheRock: yes
[00:40] WriteTheRock: whats the main focus of buddhism?
[00:40] IAMSpartacus117: I think the main focus is about, in modern day terms, the search for fulfillment in the wrong ways.
[00:41] IAMSpartacus117: I think that Buddha saw that people wanted to be fullfilled and satisfied, but that they didn't understand who they were, and thus, could not seek fulfillment in the wrong identity.
[00:41] IAMSpartacus117: So they suffered.
[00:41] WriteTheRock: like in the book Siddhartha
[00:42] IAMSpartacus117: I dunno, I almost didn't like that book.
[00:42] WriteTheRock: i didnt at the time
[00:42] WriteTheRock: i acually had completely forgotten about it until ohh, 1 min ago
[00:42] IAMSpartacus117: Cause, the author says that Siddhartha is enlightened, but Siddhartha's actions don't reflect an enlightened person, in my opinion.
[00:42] WriteTheRock: ok
[00:43] IAMSpartacus117: But, Siddartha was kind of a weird book.
[00:43] WriteTheRock: yes
[00:43] IAMSpartacus117: It wasn't really about Buddhism, I think it was more like it was about Buddha, himself, except for the fact that Buddha, himself, was in the story. And Buddha didn't ever run into Buddha in his life.
[00:44] WriteTheRock: yeah
[00:46] WriteTheRock: isnt enlightenment the 8 fold path?
[00:46] IAMSpartacus117: Yeah.
[00:46] IAMSpartacus117: Taking the eight fold path is supposed to bring you to enlightenment.
[00:46] WriteTheRock: what is it?
[00:46] IAMSpartacus117: the path?
[00:47] WriteTheRock: yes
[00:47] IAMSpartacus117: let me just pull out my eastern philosophy text book.
[00:47] IAMSpartacus117: :)
[00:47] WriteTheRock: lol
[00:48] WriteTheRock: the happening looks lame
[00:48] IAMSpartacus117: I don't really care for horrors.
[00:48] WriteTheRock: me neither
[00:49] IAMSpartacus117: The eightfold path is: Right view, right intention, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness and right concentration.
[00:49] WriteTheRock: ok
[00:49] IAMSpartacus117: But it's not sequential.
[00:51] IAMSpartacus117: It's more like you better your conduct, your wisdom and your will power step by step, in your own way, until you've perfected them all.
[00:51] WriteTheRock: so its the road to self improvement
[00:51] IAMSpartacus117: I don't really like the idea of the eightfold path though. I don't really agree with following directions. For some it's necessary, but for me, I just listen to the wisdom. It's all I need.
[00:54] IAMSpartacus117: But, I also think that Buddha's teachings were only a puzzle piece to a bigger picture. I don't believe that everyone can solve all their problems by following Buddha's teachings. I think that you take what you can from Buddha and whomever else you feel is wise and you create a whole picture. People like to isolate teachings and make them an absolute system. But all wise teachings are interrelated, they form a bigger picture.
[00:54] WriteTheRock: yeah
[00:54] WriteTheRock: im going to go to bed
[00:54] WriteTheRock: nice talking to you
[00:54] IAMSpartacus117: k.
[00:54] IAMSpartacus117: Night.
[00:55] WriteTheRock: mhm

I am so arrogant. Always expecting flattery and adoration!

I often get it. That's what I think justifies getting more. I guess you could say that within my self-loathing, I don't actually expect people to mean what they say. It's just as I said with Kristen and Felix. Kristen was honest when she didn't mean it. But I preferred Felix's lie. I didn't believe him to mean it, but I liked the attention, the flattery and adoration.

Although Kristen does it too. But like she does it, and then she gets over it in a flash.

It's like, I expect everybody to be impressed with me on the outside, but not on the inside. Like I feel that people won't really connect with me when it comes down to it, but that they'll be attracted to me.

Like I'm a shiny but relatively useless object. Which is completely opposite of what I know to be true. It's just, not all of me knows it yet. ;)



Oh nooo. Rob just asked me to cuddle with him. But I CAN'T DO THAT. I don't like his body language.

And it's like, I know it's what I wanted because I expected it and I was just waiting for it to happen. But now that I have it, it has put that emotional burden on me. I don't want to let him down. I don't like disappointing people. I like to be able to give. I know, I sound like I'm justifying being someone who sleeps around. I can say no to that. And I don't want to lie about my feelings for him. But how can I tell him I don't like his body language? It seems unthinkable!

I, at least, have to give him a chance! I can't be like Chandler who dumped his gf because one of her "short toes" was longer than her "long toes" and that's just weird to him. You know? When do you become unfair? Everybody has flaws. Why hold it against them?


I find that when guys, and girls for that matter, say that they are uninterested in having a gf or bf at that time, they really only mean UNTIL SOMETHING INTERESTS THEM. Which is fine. But they usually tell me, which seems to say, I won't be interested in dating you. Not that it's specific to me, but it is a statement of that nature. And then they never stay true to that. And it's like, I want them to want me. But I don't want them to TELL ME. I don't want them to put that burden on me. I want them to just flirt around it. It's nice when they do that. It's nice when they have no expectations from me. Or at least, what ones they do are simple and sweet, like flirting.

I don't think I should write my book when I'm in an emotional place. However, being in an emotional place is best expressed in blog entries.

Kristen messed around with her ex boyfriend while we were dating and decided she loved him, so she broke up with me. Although now he doesn't want to date her.

I resent her. If I'm to be honest, I can felt like I was doing her a favor. lol. I know that sounds arrogant but it's really not. She liked me, and although I didn't really have as much feelings as are usually needed to make a relationship work, I cared for her and I enjoyed spending time with her and expressing my adoration to her, and it's not like kissing her doesn't turn me on.

I just felt like I'd make things easy and give her what she wanted. It was a bit of a pointless relationship, both times. But it wasn't a big deal so I did it. It's not really a big deal that it's over. I just dislike that she's just like everybody else with this - I like you until I have you - deal. We dated for like two weeks.

I have always gotten the feeling that although she was interested in me, probably merely sexually, that she's never really cared for me. She didn't really want to be seriously dating me. I should have listened to that feeling. I didn't because, again, it was no big deal, it's not like I was dedicating myself to her.

She didn't cheat on me any more than I cheated on her with Felix. But she obviously does not care romantically for me. And I suppose I don't care romantically for her either, so it's fine that it's over.

It's funny, it's like I resent her for her honesty. There were so many guys who just said fuck it all and did whatever they wanted while they had gfs. But Kristen dumped me, instead of carrying on in that manner. I should admire her decision.

But I also feel like I can't connect with her knowing that she doesn't care very much for me. She's always raving about everyone else. She has never raved about me. She didn't even call me her best friend until we were dating.

It's not that I want her to prove that she cares about me. Cause when I get the feeling that someone doesn't care about me, I get rid of them. I have no interest in people who don't care about me. Especially ones who won't lie when they don't. Like John didn't care about me but he was willing to lie about it.

I know, you'd think I'd prefer Kristen's honesty to John's lies. But one of them is an ego stroke and one of them gives me nothing. All it does is keep me from wasting my time.

I don't know what I want. Let me just say that right now. That's what marks my "going with the flow" period. These past few years I've had too many expectations and I tried to control things way too much because I was afraid to deal with situations and people that made me feel uncomfortable. Well now, I'm just going with the flow.

It didn't start when Kristen and Felix started. It started when they left me. You know? I was trying new things, being social, so I've hung out with Garland and Rob and talked to Shawn and Cory and people online. And that was going with the flow. But I concentrated on Kristen and Felix, to very nearly the exclusion of all else. I ignored the people who couldn't please me and focused on those who could please me, benefits, you know.

But Kristen wasn't the best girlfriend and Felix is a bit insane. So Kristen dumped me and I just said, that's okay, we're broken up, I don't mind. She kept apologizing and I told her she didn't need to, I wasn't upset about it. She didn't tell me about the guy.

Then the next night, I realized that Felix was doing nothing but stealing my light. And I couldn't have a friendship with him where I didn't give him my light because when I do that it only frustrates him and makes him more desperate to find ways to steal my light. Either way, that's all he's attracted to. So I was telling Kristen and Rob that I think I should terminate my friendship with Felix.

So I don't know, Felix doesn't seem to care about me. In fact he seems to uncare about me. You know what I mean? Like he seems to want to avoid me. He told me today that we couldn't talk anymore. And I said fine, I'm ready to stop too - because I had just been talking about it the night before, although, I wasn't sure if I was going to cave in and still talk to him. He apologized this morning for his behavior last night, so, I thought I would at least give him another chance and maybe just slow it down a little bit, talk to him less.

But now he's saved me the trouble. I don't want to go into detail about all the nice things he said, but let's just say that him saying we can't talk is very nearly the same thing as Kristen dumping me. Very contradicting and sudden.


Do you think I'm in shock? I felt like I was in shock with Kristen. It's hard to know when you really don't feel anything, and when you're blocking what you feel. I wasn't in love with Kristen or Felix. And I have a lot of strength and power right now because I'm writing my book and partly because of reading Anastasia. I know that it's not for me, living a life of emotional distress. I know that there is absolutely no reason to do it. God doesn't want it for me, my conscious self doesn't want it for me, my subconscious self wants attention, but we're working on that need, so she doesn't want the bs either. My ego is soo old news. My higher self doesn't want it.

I'm not saying that I won't be rejected, just like I have been. I'm just saying that I no longer feel that reacting emotionally is the right thing to do. The same night that Kristen broke up with me, Felix told me that he didn't want me to visit him, contrary to what he asks me to do multiple times a day. And then he said he didn't want to talk on the phone. That was rejecting any connection with me, in essence. He was avoiding connecting with me, although he still asked for naked pics...

And I just knew that I had to stay calm. It was kind of a weird place because I wasn't rash, I wasn't angry, I wasn't resentful, I wasn't hurt, I wasn't emotional at all. But with that emotional pause, I wasn't happy either. Like them rejecting me didn't make me feel sad, but it also didn't make me feel happy either. I handled it really well. I tried not to say or do anything out of spite and resentment. I tried not to do anything I would regret after the "emotions" had passed. But there were no emotions to pass this time, so my actions were decided under better circumstances.

And it does kind of feel like shock, not feeling a lot of excess emotions, not being in love and needy. It feels like I'm devoid of emotions. But it doesn't make it unhealthy unless you're suppressing the emotions. Some people aren't connected to their emotions, and that's unhealthy because their emotions are still affecting their well-being.


So I hung out with Rob today. His face is cute but I don't like his body. I don't mean that sexually, I mean that his body language is kind of awkward and I don't like his voice or the way he expresses himself either. It was a downer. I was excited to socialize. And there are plenty more times that I can socialize with him. But, I don't like his body language and I find it hard to get past that.

I'm not sure why.

I know him from school, but we haven't really gotten to know each other very much. Garland had bad body language too. I like Andrew's body language and James's body language. Even Mike had good body language.

It's weird because it's somewhat associated with good looks, or at least there's a correlation. Maybe people with good looks are more at ease with themselves so they express that through their body language. I know that Erin was overweight but she had good body language, she was very open and warm and comfortable. I just find it extremely hard to be attracted to people with bad body language.

John had good body language. Not at first, actually. It's hard to say. Maybe I was reading into his body and not his body language. Cause his body language worked for me every single time, but it usually took me a couple hours for it to work. And then I was very attracted to the expressions I picked up on.

Kristen has good body language. It has definitely made me more comfortable with her. Kenna had good body language. So there's three women who are "fat," who have good body language.

I've only just now realized it..

I know I said that I wouldn't say what I want, I wouldn't have expectations. But I'd like to be around some people with good body language. Maegan and Lindstrom, even. :)


So I guess I'm done with the Kristen and Felix phase. And I bought the wrong carmex. They both essentially have the same ingredients, but we'll see.

I don't know what I'm talking about with this body language thing. I made it sound like it's their fault but maybe it's just my fault. Maybe I just react badly, feel uncomfortable with some. It doesn't necessarily mean that they feel uncomfortable or even that those with good body language feel comfortable. Their body language is just awkward sometimes and I don't know what to do with it. It makes me want to keep my distance.

I dunno. My book is going well. It seems very probable that it will be done by the end of the summer.

I realized that it was kind of a curse, having all of these old journal entries. And that I was delaying writing. I can't remember when I began my book but I had been wishing but not wishing that all my journal entries were erased (although that would take more than just them being deleted from my computer since they're online) so that I could just start over, start fresh. I was delaying too much, using them for procrastination. It's almost like I didn't want to say anything because I felt that I had already said it the best way I could already and it would be fruitless to try to repeat it.

But I haven't. I wrote my journal entries in different states of mind, and with less wisdom than I have now. I'll ultimately have more wisdom by the end of the summer, but at least it will accurately reflect the wisdom I've had this summer, instead of last summer or the summer before or the summer before that.

So I still have my journal entries and I'm happy about that. But I was reading this book that my English professor recommended to me. It's about how to write. I don't really need it, and it's not especially relevant now because I'm not writing fiction... but it did provoke some feelings and some confidence. And part of the thing that reading does is it makes me read how you say it and think in my head, but I do it a different way. And it's not necessarily just this book about writing, it's about the whole outlook on life, thoughts and beliefs and behavior. Whenever I read, it provokes expressions of myself, areas where I disagree.

And I feel that what I disagree with is my strongest or most necessary area to express. I know it sounds negative, but it's not. Because I feel that it would be redundant, up to a point, to share what has already been shared. I want to take what believe and show them that they can always progress, always take a new step forward, always change and revolutionize their perspectives and their beliefs. So I feel that I have to take what they believe and say, But there's more. And that's what my book is about. It doesn't mean that no one else believes what I put in there, or has even said it. Because I know that it expresses a lot of things that The Vedas, Taoism and Buddha expressed - though in my own words and with my own applications. (did you like that? I didn't say three religions, three religious books or three religious figures, I said one of each hehe.)

But the point is, I speak to what I feel is out there. I speak to my friends and my classmates and people who I feel are not done yet. They have so many available progressive steps to make. So much growth that needs to happen and can happen. And I'm ready to be the one to tell you it.


You know? I'm ready to do it. You can say that I procrastinated in the past and it was wrong, or you can say that I didn't do it then because I wasn't ready. And I know now that I'm ready and I can feel it happening. The writing comes quick. I just deliberate with how I should shape it. I deliberate with what focus I'm going to express. If I should express a focus at all, or just say everything I need to say. Maybe I shouldn't make the conclusions for the reader.

Isn't that the whole point?

Yes, yes it is.

I had a dream that someone, I think one of my relatives, showed me how to play the Irish flute. And it was played kind of like the tin whistle. The ambusher was at the side of my mouth and the length of it was in front of me. And it sounded SO BEAUTIFUL. Like I didn't even play any song, I just played this low note that was so haunting and beautiful. It was amazing. It was sad when I realized that reality is so much different. I can't help it if I crave making beautiful music but can't. :( The funny thing is, every time I try to play what I've always loved, I realize how imperfect the original song is. Like I listen to Braveheart now and I'm like, wow, I can't believe he breathed there or he held it way too long there. And now I listen to Titanic and it's kind of the same thing. Cause today I made up my own version of the Titanic. Cause it seems to be played on a Bflat tin whistle and I have a D. I couldn't really reconcile that. I don't know of any flats on the D whistle. So I made up my own version. It's a little bit better, I think. Except I need three octaves and I only have two. :( That creates a problem.

And

IAMSpartacus117: I had a dream that Isis was a bunny.
IAMSpartacus117: oh and the lead singer of The All-American Rejects liked me.
IAMSpartacus117: he sat across the aisle from me on an airplane and we got to talking.
call me krit: Hahaha, that's fun.
IAMSpartacus117: amelia was a bitch in the dream though.
call me krit: How come?
IAMSpartacus117: well, we were on vaca. but it was in a college town. so I decided to go to a lecture. and Amelia came, and I was holding Isis the bunny rabbit on my lap and Amelia kept talking about I don't remember, probably about Isis, and the professor started her lecture.
IAMSpartacus117: But Amelia kept talking really loud.
IAMSpartacus117: And I was like, stop! But she wouldn't.
IAMSpartacus117: And then the bunny rabbit jumped off my lap and we were worried that Isis would fall, but bunnies can hop without hurting themselves.
IAMSpartacus117: and Amelia wouldn't leave, I kept telling her to leave.
IAMSpartacus117: So the professor made us both leave.
IAMSpartacus117: And wouldn't let us come back. Almost like she assumed I had joined her class. I think it was Biology.
IAMSpartacus117: And I didn't like getting blamed for Amelia being a bitch for whatever random reason.
call me krit: :[
call me krit: That's not nice.
IAMSpartacus117: It was fucked up.

Why does this summer suck so much? Aside from the fact that I have expectations and they're not being met.

Is it crazy to expect the summer to be hot?

I've just waited for like 7 months for this. Waited. Waited. Waited. Hoped it would come. And now it has, and it's not giving me what I wanted. I just feel so blah. So disappointed in NY. Sick of seeing the same old thing. That's part of it. Being out every day during fall and winter, imprinting those images on my mind. NY just doesn't seem as beautiful. It's like, now I've seen its imperfections. And I still see them. I see what summer lacks because it reminds me of winter.

And the people are not much better. Kristen is always sick. 4 out of 5 playdates we arrange, she turns up sick.

Felix is crazy, as usual. Impossible is a better word. Just impossible to get along with. He will not let me. I was so good natured and cheery the first couple days. Impervious to his efforts to make things all wack. I'm not impervious anymore. I'm, if anything, resentful and sensitive. Now it has really become impossible. Cause I don't know how to handle the wackiness. I just fall victim of it. And then we make things worse. And resentment and sensitivity builds.

It seems, they all have their psychological bs. Kristen's got her psychosomatic crap and Felix has numerous crazy reactions to sane reactants. Like John. Insane reactions to sane reactants. That's when you know that they're in their own little world. Except, John is always trying to pretend that there's a problem there, when there isn't. And Felix is always trying to stimulate a problem, when there shouldn't be. Like Felix is the catalyst to actual problems and John was just seeing things that weren't there.

In both cases, I'm being jerked back and forth. Not in the same way. Felix is insatiable though. John was insatiable and so left me. Felix just keeps asking for more.

It seems, that my greatest problem is only what I can see. Meaning, my greatest problem is that I can see any of this. That I studied the winter, tried not to get depressed but studied it. And now the images haven't left me. Not that I'm ungrateful to the summer. I just, studied everything, and now I can compare it with all that I see now, and what I see now isn't what I wanted it to be. Isn't what I remembered it to be. Isn't good enough for my expectations. :(

And I suppose I always had a hold on people's problems. I always knew Daniela's issues and Jenny's issues. In the same way that I'm describing Felix, John and Kristen's issues.

But now that I've spent time studying my own issues, it makes me more aware, more sensitive and more keen on others' issues. I pick up on them faster. I detect the illogical patterns that do nothing but hinder the people - and me, of course.

That's not my motivation. I mean, it's my motivation for caring, that it's hindering me as well. But I can't change them anyway. And I don't want people to be unhealthy. Do I?

I can't really talk right now. I mean, I can't really express myself. I'm too busy considering the moral implications of the fighting I was just doing with Amelia. It's getting me screwed up because I'm asking myself, was I wrong in saying and doing what I did. And then it makes me ask myself, am I still wrong? Meaning, am I wrong in what I'm saying right now in this entry, about everyone else.

And it's not about being just wrong, it's about being morally wrong.

Part of me expects people to be unhealthy. Part of me wants it. That's probably why I attract it. And just as it is for John, even when it's not there, I still act like it is, I still react like it's there. As I was just doing with Amelia... making a federal case out of something that was probably not there.

Why do I want people to be unhealthy? I mean, it's not out of being meanspirited. There's some purpose I've got in wanting it to be so.

I'm trying to curb the secret pleasure that I'm healthy. But I've got my issues too. Like my temper. It's certainly a psychological issue that hinders me. Although my family are the only ones that set it off.

Do you think it's as simple as I want practice?

I mean, my purpose in life is to work through psychological problems. I know that it's my purpose, because of the way I feel when I do it, the way I've been doing it since I was 11. The way I've dedicated the past few years to working through my own psychological problems. Healing them. The way I see everybody else's. And if there were no psychological problems to be found, what would I do?

I wouldn't have anything To do. So naturally, I attract those that need fixing. Those that will instill in me the action of fixing, or trying. I didn't create those with problems. I only attracted to them to my life. It makes me wonder if there are those who are not, out there.

Not that they would be completely healthy. That's not really the trend. But everybody out there is dealing with their own shape and form... of the same thing.

That's why I'm writing my book. To address what it is that infects everybody's lives. Not that I can solve all the problems. I think that's what motivates individuals like me. We think that if we just do this, it will solve all the world's problems. But it's only an aspect. Only a puzzle piece to the bigger picture.

WHY DOES NO ONE ACKNOWLEDGE ME!? I'm like fucking invisible to everyfuckingperson. Friends, exes, current lovers, current girlfriends. Everyone. I'm so unimportant to them. ... firetruck.

Six of my relatives are here. Or, well, maybe five. One of them seems to be a friend. I didn't get properly introduced to her because she was taking a nap or something. I kind of want Stephanie to come over while they're here, so that I can say, SEE WHY I THINK I'M DANISH? I mean if you have a 16th of Italian blood in you, then whatever. But if half your family, including your dad, two of your brothers, your aunt, your grandma and then all your great uncles and aunts and second cousins speak Danish as a first language - are you not then a part of the Danish identity as well?

I don't speak Danish. I wish I did, but I don't. Nobody ever claimed that my identity was Danish. I'm American, if anything. But yeah, a part of my blood, a huge part of my family is Danish.

That's my defense. Not that I need it.

I'm not sure of the... social rules. I mean, in Colombia, everybody hugs everybody when you greet someone. And many kiss on the cheek. That's why I hugged Monica and kissed the air by her cheek.

In Denmark, everybody handshakes everybody! But perhaps they only did that to me because it was first greeting. ??? Anyway, I hugged my grandma and my great Aunt. I handshaked the men. But I offered my hand. :p When in Rome... wait! Perhaps that's why they didn't offer their hands, because they're in America and they know that it isn't our custom. I would have offered my hand to my Aunt, but I had a cookie in one hand and a bowl of cereal in the other. Nearly did it anyway but she turned back into the kitchen.

I can't really hang out with them. Like, there's no room for me at the dinner table and there's no room for me in the van when they go out. It's hard for me, as well, because they speak a little English but whenever I respond to them, I don't know how much they'll understand. You know? I answer their questions and I'm like, shit, do they know that word?

It's funny though, cause the one who gave me the least awkward greeting was my Aunt's boyfriend. lol. He came up behind me and I think he touched my shoulder and kind of got real close and said hello. Kind of in that silly, friendly way. And I smiled and said hi and offered my hand. And asked how he was and he said, all things considered (trains and planes), he was pretty good. It was just comfortable and easy.

I think all my other relatives were a bit hesitant to greet me. Like they felt awkward. My great uncle didn't recognize me at first, but that's okay cause I didn't recognize him at first. I was like Where are Eric and Lillian? and he said that they were out there and I realized that they were who I had already greeted but who I didn't recognize. So c'est la vie.

Amelia made a joke. It was funny. Cause they gave us presents, so we were opening them up. My mom told me to "make happy" whatever it was. Like she thought I would be ungrateful and frown or something? DUH. I KNOW HOW TO BE GRATEFUL. For me, it's not about what they gave me. It's the thought that counts. lol. But no, it really is. When someone takes the time to buy me a present, it's a gesture that I like. It doesn't matter what it is. They told me and Amelia that we could exchange it, in Denmark. So we'd have to go there to exchange it. My necklace is green though, so that's awesome. Hers is blue.

But, yeah, the joke wasn't so much funny as just surprisingly witty for Amelia. She usually doesn't have a quick wit. But she seemed completely at ease and said a couple things to my dad that were witty. It was nice to see. It's a little bit hard for her, because by blood, this isn't her family. Dad has considered her his daughter since she was three or four and he officially adopted her when she was like seven, her biological dad gave up his legal rights... but like, she can't say she's Danish the way I can.

Although, I'm not very important to them either. I can tell. They like my dad the most. You know? My mom and I aren't very close to them. My grandma had pictures of Amelia and I in a photo album and she brought all of us presents, including Isis. It'll be fun to see how they treat Isis. Of course she's a baby, but, yes, she is a bit of a distant relation.

Amelia does still keep in touch with her biological dad and his family, so she's got what I don't have. And Stephanie and Loren have their dad and their grandmother on that side. We all have our own thing, despite being siblings.

So.. I always come on here to talk about something but lose sight of it. It's 7Am but I did sleep for half the night. Went to sleep at midnight, about. Kept waking up every hour. Did that the other morning as well. Every damn hour, it seemed. This time I was just a really light sleeper. I woke up because of Felix's texts. Then I woke up because someone went to the bathroom. And I woke up because I had a dream that Felix called and woke me up. Kind of a weird dream, actually, cause in the dream I was sleeping and he called my house - which, I could only vaguely hear because the house phone in my room is on silent. So when I woke up in real life, I had to see if anybody had called or anything, to wake me up and it had just seeped into my dream.