To:
Hazel Mae Hazel Mae

myspace.com/nakedhazel

Date:
Sep 30, 2008 9:19 PM
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Subject:

RE: just a note

Body:
Aw. Thank you! That was very sweet and heartfelt. I'm glad you feel that way because it's hard to get to know siblings when they live far away. Even if we got to know each other a little bit when we were younger, we've both done so much growing since then that we really haven't had very many opportunities to get to know each other at present. So, I'm happy that you're still getting a sense of some of my expression. Of course, I'm still growing immensely every day, so I don't even know who I'll be in a couple of years.

I am starting a bit of a new life. Living on my own. Something that you and Amelia haven't even really experienced because when you moved out you were either with a boyfriend or a husband or kids, same with Amelia. And most of our brothers have also shared places with each other.

And even though I have a lot of emotional and intellectual maturity, I have always been afraid to go out in the world and interact with it, and with people. So paying bills and having financial independence and interacting with landlords and bosses and store clerks in a way that I've never been able to before brings out a side of my personality that I've not yet experienced.

I work at a travel plaza on the thruway. I first started in Quiznos but now I'm in Starbucks. And that's pretty new, having a full time job other than babysitting. This is my first. I don't particularly like having 40 hours of my week taken away from me, of course. Ever since I dropped out of high school I've had so much free time, but I think I abused the privilege and didn't do anything productive with it, so I feel better about using my time responsibly. And now that I've gotten to know the people at the plaza and I've made some friends, it's actually fun to be at work. I haven't gotten this type of interaction since high school, not even in college.

I'm not going to college this semester because I'm writing my book and I wanted to give myself a few months to settle into work and living on my own before I gave myself other pressing engagements. I have to work around my full-time work schedule for school in the spring. But then I'll be done with two-year college and I'll have to see where I'm heading next. I have no clue what I'll do. I guess I might just stay here and go to Albany University, since it's closer than all the rest.

So my landlord has a fairly big house and half of it is their family's house. They have like six kids. And then the other half of the house has an upstairs apartment and a ground level apartment. So I just have a cozy one bedroom apartment, the downstairs one, which I'm grateful for because it has beautiful big windows and it's much easier to move in furniture. It was a little bit ironic that before mom or dad had found a place and before Amelia had found an apartment, I found mine and moved in. I've been living here for five weeks. It was suprising, since I seemed to be the least likely to do it. In fact, mom and dad AND both Amelia and Loren were worried that I wouldn't be able to even pay for half of the rent while we were considering getting an apartment together. And now I'm doing fine all on my own.

Sometimes people think that because you haven't done something all along that it means you won't be able to do it. But their pessimism hasn't really stopped me. I didn't have a job... until I did. And I didn't pay rent.... until I did. And it's as simple as that.

Though mom has supported me immensely. And I feel bad because she hasn't been supporting Amelia as much. In a way, whenever she's supporting Amelia, it's more like she's supporting Isis. Like by babysitting Isis or buying Isis things. And Amelia probably doesn't feel like SHE gets enough help from mom, because she doesn't realize that mom feels she's doing enough already by helping Isis. Whereas I have no one but myself, so everything I receive is for me... and it seems like everything Amelia receives is for Isis.

But we all make our own lives, by our own choices. And I can't feel guilty for having a life that I enjoy, when Amelia gets stressed out in her own life, because she's the one who made good and bad decisions in the first place, and the one who will continue to do so. And if she wants something better, she's going to have to decide to get it.

She's just moved into an apartment in Catskill, but she isn't as settled as I am, for whatever reason. I have a one year lease but hers is monthly, so she has the option to leave if she finds something better. She also has two weeks free. Though hers is the very top apartment and that really sucks. Sooo many stairs.

I'll send you some pictures of my apartment in a few days. And thank you for remembering the pictures from when you were here, take your time. It must be hard moving all over the place.

Amelia and I did see the pictures of your bus. But we didn't really know what to say. Does his job really make you move so often that you can't have a permanent home? I'm not sure I could do it. But if it works for you, then it works for you. So Evan lives in Arizona?

Thanks for writing me, it was nice to hear from you. :) Love, Melissa.




----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Hazel Mae
Date: Sep 29, 2008 3:39 PM


The littlest baby in the family is all growed up and moved to climax! How does it feel? I see a bright future ahead of you, the little girl that i used to know has turned into a beautiful, highly intelligent person.

I'm just putting this out there, but out of all of us siblings, I see you as being the most successful.

Your not the kinda person that will let anybody stop you from getting what you want. You already know better and you don't need anybody to tell you what 'they would do, in your situation' cause there not in your situation...and you probably got the best brains in the family! Your more traveled and experience than most of us, and you survived childhood...honestly, i didn't think you had it in you. You always wanted to be right, it seemed like you were destined to rebel.

no really, how does it feel? sometimes I wish i could go back and have my whole life in front of me. Nobody told me back then, but these next few years really are the most important years of your life. I used to think that...maybe i didn't really know it all, even though when I was 17 it felt like I knew it all. now that i'm all grown and married with a family, I really do think I knew way more when I was 17 then I do now...kinda sad really.

I just stopped by your page, to see what the new apartment looked like, but there aren't any pictures. I got to looking at your quotes (i read them sometimes) and then your pictures . And it dawned on me. You really are something, ('something else' but I can't think of the right word) I noticed how your self-expression is beautiful, eloquent and confident. Maybe Eloquent is a good word to describe you with.

Merriam Webster says Eloquent is: 'Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French, from Latin eloquent-, eloquens, from present participle of eloqui to speak out, from e- + loqui to speak
Date: 14th century

1 : marked by forceful and fluent expression
2 : vividly or movingly expressive or revealing'

Anyway, enough about you. Let's talk about me. We just moved to Anthony, KS. The bus is coming along well. Did mom tell you we bought a 40' school bus that we're converting into an RV? Tucker and Cameron are having fun, I enrolled them in school and the company made us move to Kansas(last night.) So there not getting an education right now. Evan and I decided it would be a good time for them to move in with him. Next week their moving to live with there dad in Phoenix, AZ. I'm still taking classes online from the University of Utah, I'm a sophomore now and I've completed like 50 credit hours or something. I still have 70 to go for my bachelors. I haven't forgot about your cd of wedding/waterfall pics you asked me about a month ago. I don't know whether you can believe it or not but I have been moving constantly since then. So far this month (just September) we've 'lived' in Salt Lake City,UT Atoka,OK Ardmore,OK Muenster,TX and Anthony,KS.

I put some pics of the bus on my blog. So when you get time check them out. And let me see this new place of yours.

Love,
Your Favorite Sister


P.S. when your doing well (i.e. rich and famous) don't forget about your bestest big sister!!!!

So, I had a dream about Matt. And this dream was completely out of context from work. And I liked him in the dream, though he didn't know yet.

That's all I have to say. Matt isn't working today, so I won't see him. Which is a shame, cause I love to see him. He's amazing. But let's stop right there.

I don't even know if he would make an amazing boyfriend. He seems almost a-sexual. Why am I attracted to guys like that? Well, okay, I'm not really attracted to guys like that. But James was also sorta a-sexual because of Liz. AAAAAAAAAAAand one of my keys is sticking, I wonder what's under there.

Ugh, so the 18 year old daughter next door is pregnant! ...

Hiho. I don't know why that's all I can think of to say. Not Hi, Ho. Like she's a slut. Not like that. Just the dwarf hiho expression.

In this context it's kind of like saying iyiyiye. Which Matt says all the time.

Ha.

I hate it when kids gets pregnant. Scares me. At least she just barely graduated from high school. Though she was going to CoGreene and that will make things harder. Man. Does that mean that there's going to be a screaming infant next door? I hope she gets married and moves out.

I wonder if I missed it when she told her parents. lol. Cause I can hear everything. There was a fight that one night, outside. But I thought it was with the other daughter.

Anyway. They have like seven kids. So, that kind of gives teens the wrong idea, you know? Cause technically you have to start pretty early to get 'em all. Ew, that's like 14 years of pregnancies. You get a little time off in between. But only a little. Gross....

Though I'm easing into the idea.. of being pregnant. Not now, naturally. Please, not now. But I think I'll enjoy the bonding with the future baby. And the sacrifice. They gotta get born some way.

BUT I HAVE TO GOOOOOOO. I have to leave for work in 20 minutes and I still haven't showered. Bah.

*sigh*. What am I going to do with life?

I had to say goodbye to Iliya tomorrow. Although he says he's going to visit the travel plaza tomorrow and even though I don't work, I'm thinking of asking him what time he's going to visit so I can go at the same time. Joe would like that, if I visit him.

I should stop crying. I can't help it. I don't know why. It makes me sad that I'm never going to see him again. I hardly made an effort to befriend him. And I mostly blew him off, when he wrapped his arms around me and stuff. Which he didn't do that often. It isn't like he made an effort either. But he did ask me to go to Niagra Falls with him. I couldn't because of work and babysitting Isis though.

Ugh. Maybe it just makes me sad because the people at the plaza are like one big family. And I haven't had a good connection with someone in a long time. And Georgie and Iliya were like my favorites in the plaza, besides Matt. So the fact that they're the ones leaving just breaks up my family.

I hardly even talked to Iliya. I shouldn't be so sad. It's like I want him to be there. Just be there. Owe. It is seriously hurting my jaw to cry.

I have no idea why it hurts so much that he's leaving. I want to say that it doesn't even hurt this much to know that I won't see Kristen or Jon or Maegan or James that often. But that's the thing. Even if they're in Wyoming, I know that I'm still more likely to see them again. I'll never see Iliya again. And I'll never have the chance to hug him again.

Fuck. I don't want to be working at the plaza next summer. They do this work/travel program a lot. I hate making long distance friends. I hate that I'll never see Harry or Maria again. I don't mind not seeing Carlos and Serigo though.

And I'm left with Joe. Ugh. Joe is like the nice guy that girls don't want. I don't know what to say about him. I don't know what I want from a relationship. I honestly have no fucking clue. So I don't know how to explain why I don't want Joe.

I guess, something I was looking forward to was an adult relationship in the sense that I could have someone to sleep over with and.. that's about it. I wanted to shower with him too, but there's sulfur in my water and the smell is unromantic. I didn't really have any other qualifications. I didn't imagine myself cooking with him or shopping with him or visiting my parents with him or anything.

Just cuddling, sleeping and showering. And sex, of course. Aaand love, naturally.

But cuddling with Joe does nothing for me. I don't think he turns me on, not like anybody else in the world does either. Though I usually think they do until I have sex with them. He can't sleep over that often because he has school and even if he could, I'd have to drive him in the morning cause he doesn't have his license.

I don't know about sex. He's a virgin. So is Matt, ironically. I will probably never in my life enjoy sex. I think I'm sick of masturbating too. Don't exactly picture myself showering with him in my shower, though my boyfriend probably wouldn't care. The shower just used to be such a comfortable place for me. My favorite place, actually. And now I don't like it at all. But I probably wouldn't shower with Joe unless we were having sex.

I don't know that I could love him. I can care about him. But he's more simple and sweet. And I can't say what I like, but I think I picture it a little more intense and complex.

Again. I. Have. No. Clue. What. I. Want.

I don't know what would make me happy or satisfy me. But that's what I'm looking for. You know? Someone who, when I look at them, it makes me happy. Because that's what makes it worth it. That pleasure that comes from being around them.

I don't dislike Joe at all, and I think he's really nice and agreeable. But he doesn't stimulate anything. No emotion or pleasure. It's so comfortable that I feel like I've known him for a very long time. We've already gotten into a rhythm that seems natural. But do I want that?

What do I want?

I thought I wanted Matt. He is honestly an amazing person. If I could pick one person to be, I would be Matt. He has so much cheery personality. Always happy and random and interesting. One of a kind. I can't even begin to describe him or describe the value I put on it. It's just something I respect. A warmth and happiness that I think all people should have. And he's genuine too.

Ron asked me if I liked Matt. I asked if it seemed like it and I don't remember his exact words but it was something about the way I talked to Matt, like I opened up to him more. But everybody does, because that's just Matt's personality. Though I know what he means, I have the most real smile I've ever had on my face when I talk to Matt.

I find it extremely hard to express emotion. I'm so sick of it. I regret it so much because I didn't show ANY emotion to Iliya and I hate myself for it. But I show all the emotion I have with Matt, and I'm completely comfortable and alive when I'm around him. Cause he's alive. Not a stick in the mud like so much of humanity.

I told Ron "maybe". Cause Matt came back before I had a chance to answer Ron. So I said "not definitely yes, but maybe." Even though it's closer to a yes. I just wanted Ron to know that I don't act that way because I'm secretly thinking in my head how much I love Matt. I respect Matt as a person, more than I want him for myself.

It made me happy, at first, that Joe liked me so much. He just accepted me so completely. I don't feel ashamed or afraid at all around him. Like I know that I can be who I am and he'll be receptive, instead of hate me or try to shut me down. And the security was making me happy. But then something happened to tip the scale to the negative side. And now I can see very little pluses to date him. Though I already told him no. But he still likes me. And I think he hopes I'll change my mind. And that puts pressure on me.

Maybe that's the reason. I like being myself. I like trying to make people like me. But now, if I act the way I did in the first place, I'll only be leading him on or making him like me more. And then he'll put more pressure on me to go out with him. So it's like, I'm almost being punished for being pleasant and likable. It's like the difference between being yourself and flirting.

Like with Matt, I was not flirting. I was being myself. And I like to be open and funny and cheery and happy. That's being myself. But I was not flirting. So it makes me want to express myself more when people are already focused, intensely, on me. Especially when it's for a reason unknown to me. Like they intensely like me when they don't know me at all. And then I'm like, wtf? And it just makes my personality retreat all the more. And I'm so fantastic at not showing emotion in the first place. So it all comes together.

I'm not specifically talking about Joe. I'm not annoyed with him or anything. I just want to have freedom. I want to have the freedom to flirt and have excitement and pleasure with other people, as well as to express myself around him without leading him on.

I wish that Joe would show a little more personality. So that it was less about how he personally felt about me and more about the dynamics. I don't want to be reminded all the time that he likes me while I'm sitting there thinking, what's there to like about him? And I know that sounds mean. But I just mean I enjoy the dynamics of expressing myself with another person. That's why I enjoy Matt so much, because he has so much to add to the dynamics. He just NEVER runs out. And Joe is always on empty, by default.

And I don't like to express myself just so people can build up an intense adoration for me. I enjoy having people like me and being able to express myself so that we can enjoy each other, make a good experience. Not just to be adored. It annoys me to just plainly be adored. And that is exactly Joe's personality.

:( I don't know what to do about it. And I can't begin to like Matt with Joe around. I told Matt to throw me a housewarming party this weekend. I told him he could invite Joe. And then I told Joe that I had told Matt to do the party and that he could invite Joe. I almost don't want Joe to be there. Cause I feel restrained around him. He would probably not enjoy my "flirting" with Matt. Or Timmy. And I just want to have something fun and enjoyable.

Damn. When did I go from not wanting a boyfriend to just wanting friends? I thought it was always that I didn't want friends and I wanted a boyfriend...

I guess I am ready to let people like me. Instead of just ONE person.

I don't know. I was going to kiss Joe. Like I wanted to a couple days ago. But then I spent all day with Matt yesterday and it was amazingggggggggg. And I don't want to make out with Joe cause that will only lead him on more. I wanted to kiss Iliya goodbye as well but Joe was there. Joe probably would have kissed me today, but I didn't really send out the right signals. All that affection and stuff that I crave constantly I now have with Joe and it just does nothing for me. That's why I can't even hypocritically claim that I want it with Matt, now. Cause maybe it's the same as sex.. something I want to want, but don't want to actually have.

I just don't know anymore. I'm so confused.

Ugh. I'm going to miss Iliya. He leaves in two days. :(:( He always hugs me from behind and his head is right by my neck and my face. It's intimate. And he gives reeeeeally good shoulder massages. It makes my body tingle all over. It feels really good. Much better than James's massages. Puh. :(:(

Ugh. I'm left with Joe. Who I like. But who is lacking. He doesn't have aaaaanything to say. Not that I can guarantee that Iliya would if we hung out outside of work. But that makes Joe less interesting. Which makes him boring. Which is not appealing. And the sexiness of Iliya is on my mind. Which makes Joe less appealing.

I told Joe I wouldn't go out with him. It's too hard with him being a high school student. He's tied down to that life, and I don't want to be tied down to it as well. And if he was my boyfriend, it would matter. It won't while he isn't my boyfriend but I would care if he was my boyfriend. I like that he's my friend immediately. That he hangs out with me at work and hugs me and visits me and texts me.

But there needs to be some sexiness, some intrigue, something interesting to spark my emotions. Cause right now I mostly just find him really sweet, but a bit plain or dull.

I think Iliya appeals to me cause he's going soon. If he was staying, I'd be anxious about the idea of hugging him. I would feel anxious about the idea of hanging out with him outside of work and finding things to talk about and do. I would feel anxious about the idea of being intimate with him. Right now it's sexy and sweet but it wouldn't be if he was staying.

God. I am really tired of this.

So, I had a shitty day. But I don't care. It's so easy to be happy. Like, I had every right to be miserable and self-pitying. But I'm not. Like the circumstances were shitty but I was immune.

So this was expected. It needed to happen and I kind of asked for it in my journal entry when I talked about how people have a problem with me and I need to communicate with them more.

Long story short. Everybody hates me. I don't who, specifically. But that's how Ashley made it sound. Everybody thinks I have an attitude. Which is a fucking laugh in Starbucks. It's kettle calling the pot black or whatever that damn saying is. Pot calling the kettle black, I think.

So there's this like 40 year old woman who handles the cash. She's not a manager, but she doesn't work in any of the stores, she just counts the money and gives people registers and deals with the money in all ways, shapes and forms. So she hates me and thinks I have an attitude, even though we've probably said about 20 words to each other. And that's how Ashley and I got on the conversation, cause I asked why Joya hated me. Joya, fucking ironic name.

So when I went to get change, she was still being a cold bitch, really rude. And I said, I've never done anything to you, why are you treating me like this? And she said that yesterday I had given her attitude when she told me to mark my twenties with a counterfeit pen. Which we do, and I always do. It's a habit, I've never not done it, because I immediately got into the habit. I always feel like I'm missing something when I forget to do it. I forget to get people the pastries or the coffees more than I forget to do the twenties. And I marked one on the opposite side of what we usually do, and I think that Joya thought that I hadn't marked it, because of that.

But it's a moot point cause I didn't give her attitude. I was slightly defensive, perhaps. But only slightly. The idea that because I told her that I Was, actually, marking the twenties when she accused me of not doing so, means that I don't deserve respect anymore is so ridiculously immature. But of course it's more than that. Her daughter works at the pizza place. She went to my high school, though I never talked to her. She wasn't in my grade and we didn't have any of the same friends. But apparently I gave her attitude so Joya has been hearing people from Starbucks bitch about me, plus her daughter. Plus my defensiveness. And suddenly I'm a bad person. Though I heard that she's pretty much just a bitch and doesn't really like anybody. She has never been friendly with me, from the start. Before she even knew me. She has never given me the benefit of the doubt. Never shown me any kindness or respect or politeness.

In any case, it just tipped me over. And I just started crying and I couldn't stop. And I couldn't just go to the bathroom cause that would just make them bitch, so I had to stick around, but I couldn't stop crying.

And a couple times I kind of liked it, because Bryan asked me to get a manager and then he saw me crying and he cut off an said sorry and went to ask somebody else. And Justin asked me to go back on register and I just turned to look at him with my swollen red eyes and said I couldn't.

Like, people tell me to do things and I pretty much only do it if I think it's a good idea. Which is what they hate, because they want me to do things their way, all the time. But this time, I felt like I had a reason they couldn't deny. I finally had the freedom to say no. You know? Every time I say no it becomes this federal case, and I'm prosecuted just because I want to make my own decisions. I'm not a fucking slave. I have to feel guilty every time I have an independent thought.

But I wasn't just crying to get attention. None of my friends have even seen me cry. Nobody but my family has seen me cry in such a long time. And now like everybody at work has seen me cry. Stefano came by. He's like the top manager. One of the most important people who work there. And he asked me what was wrong and I explained it a little bit. Though I didn't explain it very well and it probably sounded kind of dumb. lol.

Cause, it sounded like they were just being mean to me and it made me cry. But that's not really the situation. The situation is that they find me to have an attitude and to be a bad worker because I don't do things their way. And I'm afraid that because they keep telling other people about me, that everybody is going to have this "burn the witch" complex, where suddenly it gains momentum and none of them really has a reason to hate me, they've just got group momentum and they're trying to persecute me.

Like so many people who complain about me have never even talked to me. Like Justin told Rick that I didn't follow orders when he had never even given me an order. He hadn't even introduced himself and I'd tried to engage in conversation with him numerous times and he barely said a word. He never taught me how to do anything or told me what he needed. And suddenly I'm not listening to him? It's ridiculous how many people complain about imaginary situations.

Like, for instance, when I first moved here, this one girl, Danielle, said that she smiled at me in the hall and I glared at her. So she didn't like me anymore cause I glared her. I had absolutely no recollection of even seeing her or making eye contact with her at all. I never did that. But suddenly I'm a mean person because I glared at her. Jeezus.

And that's what it's like. If you don't act the way people want you to act. If you don't give them the specific attention they want, they take it extremely personally and suddenly you're a bad guy. And it's part snobbishness and part insecurity. Like Joya thinks that she's better than me because she already thought she was better than me but now she has "an excuse" to tell me why she's better than me.

And some people just are intimidated by my silence, and they interpret it with their paranoia and suddenly I have a bad attitude. one of the old ladies who works with us said that when she was young she was quiet like me and people thought she was a snob. Which she found ridiculous. And likewise, I've had people tell me that, that I'm a snob. But it's so much more than that. People just simply don't know how to read the context of silence. They don't know how to handle it. It makes them uncomfortable. And the fact that I don't say much and I don't express very much emotion intimidates them and causes them to overreact and blow things out of proportion.

God, there's so much to say about this entire situation though. I just couldn't stop crying. To me, I don't cry in that girly self-pitying way. So I don't cry a lot. I mostly cry because of world issues. Like a lot of little things set me off and it's uncontrollable waves of emotion. But I asked my mom why that was and it's kind of a world karma deal. Otherwise, I only cry when I'm releasing something. It's an outlet for emotion that I don't want anymore. Because when you're holding onto it, even if you're suppressing it, it's like you're tense and your muscles are strained. You just need to relax, to let it go, to breathe again. And I don't feel this strain cause I'm suppressing it, but when I cry I realize how much I was suppressing it. And I just let it all go. I don't just bring it to the surface to feel it and have self-pity or anger or blame. I just bring it to the surface and let it go. So when I cry, I can't stop until I've released it all.

And it usually happens when I'm writing a journal entry and I can process what I need to learn and resolve issues and release the emotion because I don't need it anymore. But I was at work and I couldn't do that and I was trying to hold in the crying so I could go back to work. I went on register and started crying in the middle of dealing with a customer. I could barely spit out "have a nice day". It was so pathetic. And when I wasn't crying, my eye were all bloodshot and watery and they probably either felt sorry for me or thought I was really, really high. They were probably wondering why the fuck I was on register if I was so clearly upset. I felt like people were gonna believe that I had just found out my grandmother died or something.

So, Yolanda supported me. Everybody calls her Grams and she was like, I'm Grams, tell me what's wrong. And she looked me straight in the eye and told me that I needed to tell her what was wrong. And the funny thing is, every time I stopped crying, she'd just look at me and I'd start again. Cause I don't know... what was it that was making me cry?

I think I was just releasing my own self-loathing. I think that when everybody talked bad about me I accepted it. I felt like I deserved it, so I accepted it. I knew that I didn't deserve it, but I felt like I did. And that's why I just kept the hurt - suppressed but there. And when I cried it was like I was saying, you know what? This does hurt. It hurts to have people do this to me. It hurts to have people punish me for something I don't deserve. It hurts to have people gang up on me. It hurts to have people blame me for unnecessary reasons. And I don't deserve it. And the fact that I was expressing this to everybody by letting them see me cry. You know what I mean? Acting like it didn't hurt was like saying - hey, this is life, I just have to suck it up.

But this was saying, I can't handle this, I don't want to handle this, and I don't deserve it. And mostly just the old ladies, cause they're really sweet. But they all told me that I was really sweet and nice. And they're right. it's the same issue as with when my mom judged me by my worst. You can't accurately know someone by the worst of what you've seen. And people have categorized me as my worst. They've taken it out of context and out of proportion and labeled me as my worst. Conveniently ignoring all the pleasantness, all the politeness, all the agreeableness. All the times that I was smiley and happy and conversational and friendly and a hardworker. You say yes to them three times but they only focus on the one time you said no. You do ten things around the store but they only focus on what you didn't do.

And I felt afraid that there were too many people who didn't like me. And I felt like they'd win. That their version of who I am would triumph, and everybody would believe it and I'd be persecuted for it. Just like witch trials. But there are a lot of people who do like me and who don't see me as a problem. It's the ones who want to start shit and want to have power and want to have control who tell on the managers and bitch about me behind my back. Not the ones who think I'm nice. They're not going to go around telling everybody how nice I am. So I've now realized that I have support. I have enemies, but I have support. Which only made me cry more.

But then the one woman who makes sandwiches and stuff in the kitchen for Starbucks, we don't see her a lot though. She told me that I couldn't let them see my weakness cause they'd pounce. And I thought it was funny because she was saying it because I was crying and I've probably not cried in front of someone besides my family since I was like 11. So, I definitely don't show them my weakness. And the other woman said that I was a sensitive person. And I wanted to disagree.

But you know what? This is the problem. I want people to think me tougher than I am. Because I feel I need to in order to defend myself. I feel that I need to give attitude because if I don't, people will just abuse me. Though they do anyway and my attitude only makes it worse. I don't want to intimidate them, per se. I just want to fight for my right. And part of me was really mad that everybody was seeing me cry because even though I knew it was benefiting me, a part of me was like nooooooo act tough, don't let them see that this kills you. I don't want the old ladies in the back to think that I'm sensitive and weepy. I'm a fighter!

But that's because I suppress my emotions and put up the defense. And that's not really strength.

And she said, you've got to get in their face and say, HEY BACK OFF. Though she didn't realize that, that was essentially the problem, is that I was telling people to back off when they're supervisors and have the right to make me do whatever they want me to do, apparently. So that won't work. But then she said, forget all the managers and supervisors and just go straight to Stefano and Bill if you have a problem. Or if there's something going on at work, don't just argue with them, tell them that the both of you need to go to the managers and resolve it. Right then and there.

And that's when I realized, all this time I felt like I was protecting myself and standing up for myself but I was really only doing the weakest part of it. I was really only being defensive and giving them attitude. I mean, I had resistance. But I never communicated with a single person my side of the story. And that's the thing, all these people are telling the managers this bullshit and the managers aren't going to hear anything else. Not the nice stuff and not my defense. Like Ashley got mad at me because there was a long line and I wouldn't go on the second register and help her out. And she said today, do you see what I'm saying, that when there's a long line I need your help.

She was mad at me because I wouldn't go on register. Like she assumed that I was just slacking off and I didn't want to do it because it wasn't fun or something along those lines. I am more than willing to work and to work hard and to give the customers what they need. What she overlooked was the fact that we didn't have what the customers needed because nobody was doing prep. We ran out of whipped cream, mocha light, coffee, pastries, cream. And there was nobody to fix it. But me. So I did. And every time I would go back to make something or to get something done they'd start bitching at me and tell me to go back on register.

So I told Ashley that it really pisses me off when I'm on register ordering things, working with customers and then I have to give my orders to Timmy and he can't even fill them because we don't have the stuff and he won't make them. I ordered a caramel light frappachino and he started giving them regular frappachino mix because we didn't have any light. They do that. They give people decaf if we don't have regular. And when it comes to those things that people can't really tell, it's deceiving and rude to do so. It's one thing to just simply say that we don't have it. It's another to claim that we do and then give them something else.

It's important to people to not get caffeine when they don't want it and to get it when they need it. It's important to people to get nonfat milk and sugar free syrup when they need it. And it pisses me off when I'm responsible for giving the customers what they need. They talk to me and I take their money and I feel bad when people don't deceive my customers. And I told Ashley that I can't go on register and take orders for things that we don't have. I have to go do prep. I have to get things settled.

I told Pam today that I got there the other day and my first four orders were coffee. It was like straight coffee, four orders in a row. It ended up being like four mediums and three smalls. And we had NO COFFEE. Both of the blends we use needed to be brewed and that's just silly. We're Starbucks. We should have coffee. It would be absolutely ridiculous to have Katie go on the second register at that point and just keep taking orders. Right? No, she had to brew some coffee. I stayed on register and took more orders, but someone got off register to do prep, to get things done. And that's exactly what happened later on that day. I got off register, left Ashley to take orders and did things that we needed to do, but that nobody could do.

Ashley thinks I'm just betraying her and abandoning her on register and she resents me for it. But she doesn't understand that I had a fucking good reason. I'm not going to take orders for things and give them to Timmy so he can give them what they didn't order behind their back. Seriously, I refuse to do it. And I can't just go - Okay, so you wanted a mocha light? Well I'm going to tell Timmy to do it but he won't because he's a dishonest worker, but go down to the yellow lights and he'll give you the wrong drink ON PURPOSE when he's done. It's SO unprofessional. But then they go and tell Donna and suddenly I'm the bad guy because I'm trying to do things RIGHT and they've worked their longer so everything I propose is stupid and everything they propose is right.

But I needed to say these things. People would disagree with me and I didn't even argue. And that's the funny thing. I dealt with Amelia, who I constantly, constantly bickered with. Always trying to defend myself, always explaining my side of the situation. So much that people were bleeding out of their ears, they were so bored with my defenses.

And then I go here and I think I've got it by just keeping my mouth shut. But now I'm SUPPOSED to talk. But that's the thing about life. We take extremes in our approaches. We think, oh, I'm doing things wrong now, so I must have to do the oppposite to make it right. But life isn't about opposites. It's not about extremes. Life is about the middle way, the fine line between having a balance of two extremes and carrying one of them too far.

I think that I had to understand that it was a moot point with Amelia. That I didn't need her validation. If she didn't want to drive with me, she didn't have to. If she didn't like my driving, she didn't have to. And I wanted to make her like my driving and I tried to. But there was nothing I could say or do to prove that I was driving well. She just wasn't going to accept reality. So I needed to stop trying to make it any other way.

But with work, I don't have the same freedom as with my personal life. There are restrictions and guidelines. And people feel that they're justified in getting things their way when they can make it sound like you're not doing things within the guidelines - the rules. So they use this in terms of power. So I can't just blow them off. With Amelia, it didn't make a difference if she didn't think that I was a good driver. So it wasn't worth trying to change. But it makes a difference if all my coworkers think that I'm a horrible worker.

But, it's not about arguing with them. It's about, as one of the old ladies mentioned, going straight to the source - Stefano and Bill. When I have a problem, I can't ignore it, nor can I argue with my coworkers, I have to get a third person in there right away to observe the situation and work it out. I asked Pam today what I should have done in the situation the other day with Ashley on register and she said that I should have gotten a manager to come to prep. Cause the manager can't do the register, they're not allowed, but they can help out making coffee and doing prep. So if we need help, we can ask. And that honestly didn't occur to me. I never thought to get a manager. I usually just think that we've only got who we have working in our concept and that's it. But we do sometimes have outside help. Sometimes, cause not all the managers know how to do Starbucks things. They were probably all trained in Starbucks at one point or another but they become rusty if they don't use it often.

In any case, I need communicate issues from a higher superiority. Poeple go and complain about my attitude, but not about the situations. You know what I mean? Like for me, it's not a personal issue. I don't care about the people. I care about what's right in a situation. And even if it's petty as hell. Like when I asked a customer for an American penny because they gave me a Canadian one. Pam told me straight from her mouth that I could ask the customer to give me an American one. Yeah, it's not a big deal for them to give me one. But at the same time, if everybody did it, wow, helloooo we're in America. And actually, we get a lot of Canadian coins. Cause they're the same size and the same color. And we often don't notice when we see it. But we're not in Canada, and it seems perfectly logical to give American money in America.

And it's a petty issue for David and I to fight, but I should have just walked right out of there and said, want me to go ask a manager if I'm in the wrong for asking them for an American penny? Which, I already have gotten it from Pam, a manager, that I'm not in the wrong. But David wasn't around to here it.

But it's like, I was too coward to really stand up for myself. I didn't want to talk to managers. Probably because I didn't feel that I had the right to go to a manager and express my side of the story. I didn't feel that I had a right to receive their time and attention for my issues in Starbucks. I didn't feel that I was worthy or important enough. Not cause they're busy or snobs or anything, it was just my own personal feelings that made me hold back from doing so.

Pam didn't see me cry, she pretty much came in right after I got done. I thought Stefano would tell her, because if there was a problem he would probably tell her, since she's the personal manager for Starbucks and knows the people. But I'm not sure Stefano is even going to do anything. He asked if there was anybody in particular and I couldn't really give him any names. I should have specifically given him names, but I don't even fucking know who hates me this time. You know? Who hates me this week? I can't keep track. They're way too bipolar and backstabbing for me to keep up with.

In any case, it was so easy to just ask Pam about the situation. And I wanted to the day that it happened and the next day. I even asked when she would next be in. But she had a mini vacation so I couldn't do it. And then I told myself that it was over and done with and I could just forget it happened as soon as she came back. I need to stop telling myself that I don't deserve to resolve issues. Other people hold grudges, so it's not actually over and done with. And if they're still bitching about it days later, I need to be able to express my side of the story and bring about a resolution.

It's like we're siblings and we can bicker back and forth about who's right and who's wrong, but as soon as we go to a parent and ask them, their word is final. You can't bicker about it any longer. It's like God himself has passed judgment. And it's the same with the managers. Two coworkers can fight back and forth about who's right and who's wrong but whatever the managers say, the managers say. And I have no problem following the rules. It's usually not even about rules when we bicker. It's about preference. I mean that deal with needing to do prep, Pam offered a solution that suited both of us. They would have gotten me back on register, and I would have been assured that there was someone to do prep and I wouldn't need to worry about it. I had no problem being on register, it's just that we needed prep. You know? And we need a manager to mediate and say, hey, this is how things need to be. There's no sense in bickering about it back and forth because this is just how things need to be, up front and straightforward.

There's no gray areas, no need to debate. Cause AS IF any of the people there really care about the rules. I mean the day that David was being really condescending, he was breaking a HUGE rule by using Justin's register. And the day that Timmy was acting like he cared if people had to wait in line, he was giving people regular when they ordered sugarfree and nonfat. As if he cares about the customers. I would have at least told them that we were out and they could order something else. But he didn't care. They really only care about themselves. And they care if I do things their way because they care about themselves. Not the rules. Except Bryan, cause he's straight edge like that and he gets really mad and jealous when people break rules. He's one of those people who can't break rules himself. For whatever personal reason he's afraid to. And so he doesn't want anybody else to be able to do it either.

In any case, I care about the customers more often than not. And they care about themselves more often than not. And Bryan, cares about pointless rules that are neither preference nor really about the customers. He nitpicks about rules.

So I learned that I needed to stop acting like I was being strong and productive - and needed to start actually using real strength and power to make the situation right. Instead of just hardly protecting myself for the moment, but really not only holding onto the pain and destructive emotions but also giving the situation more negative momentum and thus keeping it going and asking for more of the same situations.

So, Joe asked me to come to his football game. And I said yes, even though I knew perfectly well that I would be miserable. Bored, lonely, cold. But I did it for him. So I went to the high school for the town next to ours. Their colors are green and yellow. So there was green everywhere. There were little kids dying their hair green and everybody was wearing green jerseys and the cheerleaders didn't even have yellow on their outfits. Just green and white. Though they were stupid. :p

One of the girls who works at Starbucks was there so I saw her about an hour into the game or maybe less than that and she said I could hang out with her, so I tagged along. I don't like her. She's got issues. Like I don't personally mind her. But um, psychologically, I disagree with the way she handles things and I think her morals are very low. She's kind of sleazy. Not dirtbag sleazy. Just an unmoralistic character. Like you know she doesn't care about doing what's right in the least bit. She just doesn't get it. It's not just selfishness, she simply doesn't believe in it.

At least, from what I see. But a lot of it is the way she expresses the fact that she doesn't love herself. Not on purpose. It's in her behavior, but she probably doesn't notice what she's doing. I can see how it all stems from that issue though. Although I don't know how far back it goes. In any case, I let her talk on and on and just sit there quietly. It works. But she ignored me for most of the time. And that worked too.

Joe didn't even play until the last couple of minutes. I don't know why he wanted me to come watch him stand around. Really. And God, the game is only 45 minutes long but it lasts three hours. It's ridiculous.

I was sitting there alone at first and this little kid climbs over the railing and kicks me in the face. No joke. I could imagine a foot mark on my temple. And then later on, one of Brittany's friend's hit me. Like he was doing something and his arm swung back and smacked me in the face. I just laughed. Neither of them particularly hurt. I wasn't even annoyed. I knew I was going to be bored, cold, lonely AND I had just had a horrible day at work and I'd been kicked and hit in the face - all so I can watch Joe stand on the side lines! And I wasn't even mad or annoyed.

Except near the end cause I couldn't leave early, cause I had to say hi to Joe afterwards. I really should have come in the middle of the game. or come early and talked to him then - though I couldn't cause I didn't get out of work in time to come early. I got there like ten minutes after it started. He probably would have been getting into his uniform and warming up anyway. But yeah, I was a little annoyed cause I was freezing and I felt like it would never end. One of the other team players got hurt and so he was laying on the grass for 15 minutes while an ambulance got here. And then it was like another ten minutes before they put him in the ambulance. And I was just like UGH. I can't afford to freeze my fingers off for 20 extra minutes.

So Joe walked me to my car. And that was it. He did call me when I got home and I explained to him my work story and he was very supportive and sympathetic.

But wow. I can't believe how content I feel when I had such a ridiculous day. I mean, it makes sense because I released a lot of tension and stress. But most people wouldn't have done that. They would have used to the situation to make themselves a victim, and held onto it longer than it needed to be held onto.

In any case, learning to love yourself always makes life worth it. It doesn't matter what you do, if you don't love yourself, you won't be happy. And it doesn't matter what you do that sucks, if you love yourself, you'll be happy. People focus way too much on making their outer circumstances suit their needs. But the outer circumstances aren't the root of the problem, thus, they can't be the solution to the problem. They're only stimulants one way or another.

I didn't get a chance to tell Joe that I'm going to date him.

But I want to wait until Iliya leaves. He leaves in a week. I feel so responsible for the fact that he likes me. I'm such a loyal person. I don't connect with people easily, I don't have a lot of friends. But when I do, I'm very concerned and loyal.

And just the way Iliya looks at me makes me feel responsible for the way he feels about me. I probably would like him back if he was staying here. But the second I heard that he was going back in a month I turned off my feelings. I'm too goal oriented and I know that Iliya can't give me what I want. Which is probably unhealthy and mean but another issue for another time, eh?

Anyway, he kind of puts his arm around me when I come talk to him. But not a friendly arm around the shoulder, he like rubs my back or - I don't know. It's the way he does it. He reminds me of Serigo from Colombia. He just adored me so much. And I really didn't like it. But I don't mind with Iliya. He rubs my shoulders and today he wrapped his arms around me from behind and.. hmm. what was he doing? I dunno. He was playfully teasing me at first, but I think he took the opening to be intimate.

I don't know, I can't put it into words what he was doing. I just can tell. A woman knows. Jut the way he puts his head against mine. And I won't tell him that I'm about to date Joe. I don't want to tell him that he's not allowed to express that he likes me, even though he's never even said it. That's what makes it heartbreaking. It's just the expression in his eyes, and how can I tell him to stop doing that? And I can't have him wrapping his arms around me randomly when I'm dating Joe either. Plus, Joe works with Georgie and Georgie is Bulgarian like Iliya so he might tell Georgie and Georgie might tell Iliya and especially after today. Cause I don't flirt back, just because I'm weird - not just because I want to date Joe. But just because I'm weird, I don't flirt back. So I think Iliya was a little hurt that I kind of just walked abruptly away earlier that day, or later, I can't remember.

So if he found out, he'd probably think that I was dating Joe at that time and that's why I was acting unresponsive, because I didn't want him to hug me. But if he wasn't going back to Bulgaria, I would have wanted him to hug me. It's nice. And I like his massages, they feel good. I like him. I don't want to express it because I'm goal oriented. Though that's selfish of me. I should always take the opportunity to connect with people, no matter how short it lasts. That's what customer service is all about. They come for a few minutes, they leave. You never see them again. But you make it count anyway.

Iliya just isn't as bold as Joe. Joe was just like bam bam bam. I came over to talk to him a few times, and that was my effort. But he asked me for my number, called me, then called me again even though I didn't call back. Then he asked if I wanted to hang out with him on Tuesday, cause we both have the day off. And then he asked me out. He didn't hesitate at all. It was really brave. I'm so used to me and James pussy footing around for like three years. (Even though that was because he never liked me) But, I'm still used to us avoiding making out and shit, even though we said we were going to so many times. So the fact that Joe is just making everything happen within days is like Wow.

So he told me again that he liked me. And I didn't say anything back. Cause, remember, I'm weird. I just feel awkward and can't think of anything to express. So I just stay quiet. So then it occurred to me after we got off the phone, that I should tell him I like him. He deserves that for giving me admiration and respect. See? Loyal. So I sent him a text. But he said he already figured I liked him.

I hate that. :p He does not know how much I had to convince myself to go for it with him. But whatever, I'll let him think what he wants. I don't know how much I'm going to like him anyway. Like at this point I enjoy being friends with him more than anything. And I would probably just let that continue for ages. Though I'd probably get lustful and start desiring him. It would kind of be how I treated the situation with James. Just leave it simple but sexual. My favorite.

Even though, realistically, sexual isn't my favorite. Since I don't enjoy sex. But I definitely enjoy desiring sex. :)

Anyway. I kind of don't like that he's in high school. He doesn't have his drivers license. I want someone with independence. I want a boyfriend who can come sleep over at my apartment. He can't do that when he has school. At least not while he doesn't have a license and a car. Though even then his parents probably wouldn't let him. It was weird being at his high school. It's weird when you experience a high school environment that isn't yours. Cause it's kind of exciting, but you know you don't belong. So you can be nostalgic, but you really can't participate cause you don't know any of the people.

Coxsackie was sooo boring. I've been over this. But I was meant to go to that school, not any of the bigger exciting ones like I had in Utah. So whatever, I should stop complaining.

Ugh, I wasted four hours today at the game and then another hour talking to Joe and now three hours writing this entry. I didn't get to write or read or watch TV today at all. Now I have to go to bed so I can wake up at 9. Fuck.

:(

My right nostril is plugged up. And my left scalp itches. In the same exact spot. Intensely. I forget what that means. Pretty much just some knowledge I need to get about other people and something I personally need to release.

But man, I've been talking about people and I've been releasing things. So it's like, 1 - what am I missing? and 2 - haven't I done enough for one night? ,)

Love. That's always the remedy. You need to love yourself more than anything. But after you begin to, you need to love other people. You need to have compassion for them. Perhaps this whole idea is concentrated, still, on how best to protect myself. And although I'm not close to being there yet, I need to realize that it's not just about me. Cause I'm not just about me. I'm not singular. I'm a part of the whole. And having compassion for other people is having compassion for the whole. So I have to heal myself and then heal my relationships with others.

I can't go around seeing people as enemies just because I know they don't like me. Other people mistakenly find me a snob and say that I have attitude and they bitch at me for things I don't deserve. Equally, I could be wrong about things that they do. They're not thinking about my side, nor am I thinking about their side and what it feels like to be them. And it's hard. I want to say NO. I want to say IT'S ALL ABOUT ME. But that's selfish. I have to have enough compassion to give THEM the benefit of the doubt. Because even though they can be difficult and cruel, that doesn't necessarily make them a bad person. You can't judge people by their worst, just as I said they shouldn't judge me by my worst.

My nose is only slightly less plugged but the itching stopped. So I guessssss that works for now. I'll meditate on it. :)

So, Joe asked me out. I don't know that I'm ready to have a boyfriend. Ugh. Like, I realize that if I don't find a boyfriend at work, I'm not going to find it anywhere. You know? This is like my last chance, at least at this point in my life. I've had three semesters at Cogreene and I haven't so much as made one out of school friend. So even though there are plenty of "mature" attractive, available guys there, it just wasn't happening and I can't count on it. Nor do I want to wait until the spring.

But that's the thing... ugh.. I want a boyfriend, but I don't want to have to do it. I don't want to let someone in. It's like, I can talk to people when we don't know each other, because there's this distance between us. But when you're dating someone, you have such a raw connection. I can't put my metaphor into words. It's probably not even considered a metaphor. It's probably an analogy or a simile. To me, they're essentially the same thing. But in any case..

I'm used to being alone in my bubble and I like it that way. I mean, James didn't even know me that well.

Maybe I'm afraid, cause I let Mike experience the raw me and I trusted him so much and he betrayed me so much when we broke up.

But, in some ways, it's not so much that I'm afraid to let people know the real me. It's that I'm afraid to let people like the real me. And I'm afraid to like them. I'm afraid to have a connection because it can so easily be severed. And I don't want to go through that.

I know, it's kind of cliche. I got hurt. Now I'm scared to get hurt again. etc etc..

But it's not really like that. It's not that Mike hurt me, particularly. I mean, we were breaking up. Yeah, it wasn't pleasant but that's why it's a break up. He didn't just out of the blue tell me he had cheated on me and he wanted to break up with me. It was a mutual, drawn out break up.

Ugh. I just don't want to let people love me. I really, really, don't want to do it. And it gets to the point where I'm so repulsed by it that I don't even know if I'd otherwise like someone. I guess, ha, to be honest, I don't genuinly want to connect with anyone. Cause I'm afraid to. So when I do crush on people, it's usually for asthetic pleasures. Small, superficial things that please me. Cause I don't even want to connect with the "beautiful" people either. But if I'm not emotionally connecting, I have to get something out of it.

Even though I really haven't even been involved with anybody purely aesthetically pleasing. I mean, James is hot but he's extremely skinny and it's a turn off. I've never said so, cause there's really no reason to. He knows all the girls love him. But even though he's really tan and it's sexy, I don't quite like to see him naked. Like the difference between when he's wearing a pair of shorts and he takes them off and he's just in his boxers. I really want him to keep his pants on. :p

But that wasn't the point. The point is, I'm attracted to "pretty people". And it's shallow. But that's the point. Is I only want something shallow. But they don't want me. Maybe I'm not good looking enough for shallow people. :p Even though I secretly find myself beautiful. Depending on if I have my hair up or down.

Yeah. Face it. I'm vain and shallow.

I mean, I'm not. I wouldn't categorize myself as such. But mostly because I believe it to be wrong, so I feel guilty being that way. But I do have shallow compulsions that I try to hide. So I figure the best way to make them go away for good is to admit that I've got them. So yeah, I've got a lot of vanity and some shallow tendencies.

Aw. Damn, twice today I meant to tell about a customer I'd met. But I didn't end up doing it. Meh...

Joe told me he met Bam from Jackass. :p I got distracted from that. I think Bam is the one I find attractive.

I wish I could be like Katherine Heigel's character in Knocked Up. She's such a compassionate, accepting person. I'm too afraid to do it. Which reflects the fact that I'm too afraid to be compassionate and accepting of myself. And I'm too afraid that people won't be compassionate and accepting with me.

I'm not ugly. If I was, I don't know how I'd do it. I've had low self-esteem, of course. Cause I do have a quirky face and I was a little stocky after I hit puberty, it was mostly in my face and it wasn't flattering. But, I think I still thought myself pretty. Probably prettier than I was. Or, not.

Aesthetically, I was probably not as pretty as I wanted to be. I wanted a shallow beauty. But real beauty is something expressed in the face. Not what your nose looks like. But what your whole demeanor expresses. So, yes, I believe myself to be beautiful in that sense. Although I don't fully accept myself so when I see myself on video, I pretty much just find myself annoying.

But again, it's the same as how I seek beautiful people who I don't want to connect with. I want my own superficial beauty to be a distraction. Something easy that I can find satisfaction in, instead of digging deeper and working harder to accept myself. I avoid that pain and focus on the shallow aspects. So I try to make myself beautiful, and hope that it will represent me, and please other people. Instead of trying to express my true self, which I don't believe people will like.

And it's like, I know that I'm awesome. I know that I'm a fantastic person. More fantastic than anybody I know. I love being me. But, the thing is, I feel like I had to earn my worth. I feel like if I didn't have those qualities, I wouldn't have any worth. And that's wrong. We're inherently worthy, whether we believe it or not. And we don't have to prove it or earn it. It doesn't mean that we can be an asshole. It's not right to be an asshole. It just means that our worth comes from being God. And our goal is to express our God self. And your God self wouldn't be an asshole. Your God self wouldn't have any logical reason to. Because being an asshole only comes from a destructive, self-loathing, unhealthy mindset. It comes from not having compassion for life, for people, for God, for themselves. It comes from being afraid.

It comes from a lot of things, all of them unhealthy. So I don't do these things to be moralistic and "good" and earn my worth. I do it because it's natural. And naturally, I'm worthy. So I express myself and that gives me worth. Natural worth. And natural healthy, productive, compassionate behavior.

Do I sound like a dorky Christian? Ugh. I hate sounding like a goody goody. But it's not, to me. Because it's not something I try to be. It's just something I believe in. I believe in expressing truth. I believe in being healthy. I believe in being happy. And I do anything that I find healthy and happy and truthful.

It's nature for me.

So, about Joe. Ugh. I'm just not ready to love someone.

Like somehow someone at work mentioned that someone once asked how can you love if you've never hated before. And most of us said that that was stupid. To say that you can't know the meaning of love unless you've known the meaning of hate. Hate is the antithesis of love. It's less than love. It's small and weak and pathetic. And so, so, fearful. Why would you need to know weakness to know strength? Why would strength be defined by weakness in any way shape or form? I mean, in black and white terms, they're comparable as opposites. But only in definition. You know what I mean? Like, black doesn't make white. White is white is white is white. It's just white. But when call it white, when we identify it, when we describe it - we use black, the opposite, to define and label white. It doesn't need to be defined to exist.

So hate can tell us what love is not, but it can't tell us what love is. Thus, it doesn't take hate to let you know what love is.

But that's not the point. The point is that a few of us said that we didn't hate anybody. Which makes me happy, that people have that positive attitude, where they can find someone annoying or disagreeable but yeah, they know that they don't feel hate. Which is a strength, in my opinion. And a sense of peace. Hate is such a violent, disruptive, antiproductive, unhealthy emotion. It just does nothing but bring chaos and discord to the sense of being.

So anyway, I thought to myself - yeah, I don't hate anybody. But do I love anybody?

And how sad is that. I like to say that I love Isis, but I'm so clingy with her. I ask her for a hug and a kiss about ten times a day. Course, I don't see her everyday anymore.

But in any case. Part of my adoration for her is the fact that she's brilliant. She's a baby. She's happiness and joy. She's innocence and preciousness. It makes me happy. But do I love her? I want to control her. I want to make her love me. I'm dependent.

I don't love her the way I believe love should be. And it's because I don't love myself. I'm afraid to love anyone. I'm afraid to have anyone love me.

And I say this with a lot of straightforwardness and clarity. Because I'm ready to let it go. I'm ready to change it. I'm ready to be able to say that I love myself. So I have to admit to and understand what's stopping me.

But I just don't think I could love Joe. I can talk to him. I can flirt with him. But I just don't know that I can connect with him. And I think he's a nice, honest person. It's not like I don't trust him. Cause that's not really the issue. I guess it's part of the issue. The issue is that I feel that I can't accept myself. And thus, I feel like nobody else would have a reason to accept me.

But I see people enjoy and accept me all the time. But there's still some emotional connection I'm lacking. Something I should be expressing that I'm not. I don't know how to put it in words. I'll have to meditate on it.

I should probably say yes to Joe. What's the worse that can happen? Ugh. I could get pregnant. :p But I really don't wnat to have sex. Guys suuuuuuuuuck. I have to stop pretending like any of them can give me what I want. They have a dick. I don't. What feels good for their dick obviously doesn't feel good for me, cause I don't have a dick. And they don't understand what feels good for me. So they don't do what I want, cause it doesn't benefit them and they don't understand how it benefits me. And sex is such a guy's activity. Intercourse is all about guys. They say that the clit is like a mini dick. But the clit doesn't even get stimulated during intercourse. That's like if there was some kind of sex that involved the balls but not the dick. I'm serious. That's exactly what it's like. Sure, it might feel a little bit good. But it's not hitting your button. Your dick gets you off. My clit gets me off. And intercourse isn't about my clit, but it is about your dick.


Ahah. I hate using those words. I use to say such blunt things and now I make myself blush. I don't mind the point that I'm getting across. I could talk about sex till the end of time, but the words feel a bit vulgar for me. I feel like an idiot using them in such an everyday context. That's the problem, I'm so blase about sex but the words are not blase and it feels word using them as such.


Anyway, back to my point. Girls rule and boys drool. Even though, I really don't particularly find that girls rule. So boys simply drool. Ok?
And that's why I don't want to waste my time having boy sex. I just don't know how to make it good sex. Because I'm actually considerate. Guys are just like --- hey, we get off. That's all I care about.

But I'm aware that things that get me off, have no benefit for him. And I feel bad asking someone to do something that brings them no pleasure. I mean, I, myself, don't give bjs. I know it gives them pleasure, but it doesn't benefit me in any way. So I have the same attitude. Although, at least if you're sucking on my boob - it's not, gross or anything. It's not like guys particularly DON'T want to suck on my boobs. They just don't seem to prefer to.

So crazy. I thought guys were obsessed with boobs. But they're not. They're obsessed with looking at them, apparently. But not touching them.

Not that I've had sex with a large amount of guys. So perhaps I'm just unfortunate enough to have the guys that don't.

Anyway, I'm kind of embarrassing myself. I don't know why. But it doesn't embarrass me to say that I'm embarrassed so that suits me.

So forget the sex. lol. But since that's the worst that could happen - pregnancy. And I'm pretending like I'm never going to have sex again. There's not much else to be afraid about.

I mean, yeah, I am afraid to be close to somebody. But who says I need to? Let's just take this one step at a time. And see where it goes. If we don't like it, we break up. Who cares?

But I have itchy eyes and headaches. Is this not the right decision?

Nooo. Screw it. Sometimes you have to have humility. And understand that it's important to listen. But sometimes you have to believe in your ability to know what's right, and you have to make independent decisions. It's a fine line.

Joe is nice. He wants to do it, I want company, there's no doubt about that. We've already got a million dates planned. We're going to the movies next Tuesday and we're going to fright fest or whatever at the great escape cause we have free tickets from work.

He's still in high school, though. I don't like that. He wants me to come to his football game tomorrow. He's 18, but he got held back a grade. I don't really care about that, it's just bothersome more than anything. But even though I work full time and he works half time because of school, I at least get to see him at work. That's good. Instead of being away from my friends and family for 40 hours, I get to see people I like during work. I like that idea.

He's also coming over to watch Madagascar. Cause he's never seen it. And I'm so excited, the second one comes out in October. Though it will probably suck. Cause Madagascar is classic. And it's hard to repeat classic stuff. I'll still enjoy the new movie, but I may not love it.

Weird how I can truly love the color green and nature and movies. But not people. But that's because I can love myself within nature. It doesn't judge me. And it is easy to admire people from afar, the way I do with tv shows or movies or whatever. So that makes sense. I could never love myself if I was a cast memeber in Friends. I wouldn't know how to belong to that group. They love each other. I wouldn't be able to let them love me. Even though I love them from afar.

Ugh. Fuck. So I want to be with Joe? Every time I get close to being with someone, I tell myself that they're not worthy. And it makes me really uncomfortable. It also makes me feel horrible. Like when you're a popular person at school and you know you just can't date the geek from the chess club cause he's not cool. Like that's how it feels. But I think I do it just because I'm scared and I want to have a reason to back out.

But as I said, it's hard to distinguish how I feel when my emotions are based on my fears. And it's unpleasant. I never feel any good emotions for people.

Shit.

There's still some issue. I can tell.

I'm attracting this bossiness at work and then I defy it and they get pissed off and suddenly I'm a bitch and I've gotten tattle-tailed on to a manager three times already. Possibly four, but I couldn't be sure. Cause David went back there and Pam asked me later if everything was alright, and I suspected that it was linked with something David said. But I may just be paranoid.

But it's the same thing with this car issue. But it's like, I am ignoring it the way I always should have with Amelia and Loren. This preference thing. It's not about rules, laws, safety. It's just about preference. I follow the rules. And if I bend them, I do it discreetly. Like the rule is you can't have your cell phone - specifically because you can't pull it out in front of customers. I don't do that. But I do check my cell phone once in a blue moon when I'm in the back, where customers can't see me. It's stuff like that. I bend the rules, but only slightly.

But most of the bitching has been about preference. And I feel stressed only because they tell the managers. I don't care what the people I work with think about me. I mean I get along with all of them but Bryan, even though I've had a little tiff with the majority of them. But I don't care if they're pissed off because I won't listen to them. But they care. And they care so much that they're not going to let it go. I let it go and move on in a flash. They go and tell managers or call me a bitch behind my back or complain to other people.

And yes, I am scared that they'll tell the managers. It makes my heart jump when I know they're on their way over there. But it's because, I work hard. I simply do. I don't slack off. I'm always doing things, always learning things. I'm always busy doing what I can. A lot of people just stay on register or just simply make the hot drinks and they don't refill ice or do prep or fill pastries when they have time. They just sit there and wait for another customer or another drink. I don't do that. I'm not the only one, there are some who work hard as well. but my point is, the managers are going to think that I'm just a slacker who doesn't do anything and doesn't listen to directions because that's what people do when they don't get their way, they try to make it justifiable. So they go to the managers and make it sound less like I'm simply not adhering to their preferences and more like I should be fired.

And I don't know if I'm afraid to get fired. I guess I am. Not realistically, per se. but I fear this authority figure issue that I dealt with when I got my tickets. I fear being judged incorrectly and held responsible for it. I feel like people won't see the truth. And they're not, you know? But as I said, I don't care about the people I work with. I care about those who can make it count. The managers. And I just want to appeal to them.

Of what they've seen of me, I would imagine that all of them but Donna finds me goodnatured, smiley, agreeable, polite, a quick learner. And when Rick came and talked to me because of Brian and Justin complaining about me, I felt as I was talking to him that there was no way he could incorrectly judge me. I'm such a sweetie. I play such an innocent. I'm so ditzy, always getting hurt and playing a bit of a dumb blonde, actually. There's no way that he knew of my attitude. I think that's what I'm afraid of. Because I have an attitude, but I use it to defend myself. I use it to stand up for myself. I use it to have an independent will. And people don't understand that because they don't respect my right to do so. They want to tell me how think, how to act, what to do. They want me to hate myself or feel bad about my choices. They want me to prefer to do things their way.

So they see my attitude as something bad. And I know that I have a right to defend myself, to stand up for myself and to have independent opinions and decisions. In a job, you have to follow the rules. I do. But other than that, I'm going to do things my way. And nobody is going to stop me. And I don't want to not get along with people.

When Tim and Ashley told Donna on me and then Donna ordered me to go on register, I was extremely resentful. Extremely. Not even Matt could make me smile. But Ashley said a couple things, like, whew, the line has gone down. Just little things to make conversation. And she's always been really nice to me. And when Tim told her to try to make me get back on register she said something about not wanting to be a bitch or not wanting to start shit. And she's black, she loves starting shit and having an attitude. So for whatever reason she didn't want to bring about that situation, I couldn't help but forgive her. In otherwise, she didn't hold any resentment even though I had abandoned her on register (to do more important things, I might add, but she didn't see it that way).

So I forgave her and we had a really fun time. After Tim left. Cause I didn't quite forgive him. He's kind of immature. And he kind of wants to date me. But he's girl crazy so it's not really flattering.

I want to get along with people. I want to have compassion for them. I guess, I can try to communicate with them more than give them attitude or blow them off. I did almost do that with Justin. I was writing my name on my enevelope for receipts and voids and stuff and he was like DON'T DO THAT NOW. And I kept doing it and he kept telling me to not do it, to get coffee for Ashley on register. And I was like, NOBODY HAS ASKED FOR COFFEE YET. IF THEY DO, I'LL GET IT. BUT THEY HAVEN'T, SO I'M GOING TO KEEP DOING THIS UNTIL THEY DO. But I said it in a strict, but calm voice. And I felt a triumph. Like I had explained it so logically that it made him sound dumb, like he was overreacting.

I don't want him to sound dumb. But I think when you use attitude, it suddenly gets personal. Like that one time with David and the empty garbage box. I won't go into it. But suffice it to say that by the end of it, it was no longer about the box, it was about being right.

After another stupid tiff with David, I told him that if he didn't lay off I was going to go tell the managers that he was using Justin's register which is a big no no, because if money gets stolen, they won't be able to blame Justin when he says, well, David kept using it. So that would be a messy situation. They'd probably both just get fired. So he laid off after that, which I was surprised at. And then he left a comment on my facebook pic that said that I didn't look so mean in the pic. Like I'm mean in real life. Which makes me laugh. Cause I'm not mean. But if he thinks that, that means he's afraid of me. Which I honestly wouldn't think that he would be. I thought it was a longshot telling him that I was going to tattle tale on him. But he was being ridiculously condescending and self-righteous for someone who was meanwhile breaking a huge rule. When I wasn't doing anything wrong at all.

So I don't know. I'll try the communication thing. Cause I know that I'm attracting this behavior for a reason. I know that they feel they can act out this way with me, like it's an opportunity to do so. And I have to stop sending out those signals. But this manager thing, I mean, I practice speeches a lot. I just talk to myself. And it happens when I get in fights with people and I don't say what I wanted to say, so I repeat it over and over again to myself in various ways, using up the time before I can see them again and say my whole speech. And I never do. So I basically just obsess about it constantly and then never get it out.

And I did that after Bryan told Rick on me. And I planned to speak to Bryan and I planned to speak to Rick and I planned to say so much, in so many different ways. But I never did. But Bryan is still bossing me around and I'm still blowing him off. It wouldn't surprise me if he told on me again.

By the way, the guy whose name I couldn't remember is Joe. He called but I didn't have my cell phone with me so he left a message and he said, It's Joe. So that was my clue. Ha.

I had a dream about him, I think. I've had the past two days off so I haven't seen any of them, but I feel like I had a dream that I made out with him or someone at work.

I also had a dream that I moved into this apartment complex but like we each had our own bedroom but the kitchen was public. So it was more like a dorm or like roommates. Only, I expected to get like a whole apartment to myself. But it wasn't. I don't remember what it was about. But it had a funky story behind what I was doing there. And the dream was really long and had other funkiness, though I actually liked it. Something about ruins or someplace I was hanging out. I don't know. It's hard to put into words a vibration. I feel the place, I feel the dream, I feel the meaning, but I can't describe it - can't put into words the coherency of the dream.

All I know is that it doesn't give me a good feeling when I think of the apartment complex. And personally, I don't see why I should be dreaming about apartments when that shit is settled. I'm here. I like it here. I have a one year lease. No need to fancify (I made that word up) another whole apartment.

So, I'm working hard on my book. I've lost track of the hours but probably 20 hours this past week. Not that it's all strictly writing. A lot of it is reading and organizing and planning. But although part of me feels that I'm procrastinating and wasting time in doing so, I also know that a lot of it actually needs to be done and if not now then when?

I think the difference is, when I organize but it doesn't get me anywhere. Like it doesn't make me move forward, I just end up shifting things around a whole bunch, that's when it's a waste. But this time I'm organizing things to help clear my head, to wrap my mind around what I've got before me and what I need to do and how I need to shape it. I'm borrowing my dad's laptop since I didn't win that one at the raffle. I'm disappointed because it's amazing how much I've gotten done since I started using the laptop.

It's just kind of an attitude, a fresh start. A mobility, I think. My laptop is so large and full of junk and connected to the internet and it has a sense of all my old habits - just sitting here watching movies and fucking around on my computer. It's just bogged down with that crap. And I feel bogged down when I'm sitting at it. But using my dad's laptop, being able to move around on the couch and have it sitting on my lap or me sitting in the kitchen. It's an activity. I feel that my brain is moving because my body is moving and my place is moving.

Sitting on my bed. With my computer in the exact same spot, as I said, it wreaks of old habits, of suck lack of mobility. Just sloth. Of course, my desktop isn't even there anymore cause I'm in a new place and it's in front of the couch on a little table, not by my bed. But I can't sit back on the couch and relax and I can't lay down or move around. I'm pretty much stuck. And it's ugly, I don't want it here, but there's no where else to put it if I have to use it.

My dad moves in less than a month, so I can't keep his laptop forever. He says to buy one at the after-thanksgiving sale thing. But I would have to wait another month and a half after he leaves for the laptop. And I need one IN that month and a half to work on my book. It makes me want to work my ass off this month and get it all done now.

I have 1,500 more journal entries to sort through. And they are 8pt font. It would surely be 2,500 if it was 12 pt font. So it's pretty intense. But important, never the less. Since at least half of my book is going to be about my personal application of the philosophies I believe in.

I have another 150 of stuff that I wrote outside of my journal. Stuff specifically for my book. But that's 12 pt font. So that would be about, maybe 70 at 8 pt font. So that's closer to being done than my journal entries, which are full of crap more than anything. I like to think of the 8pt font crap as my goal to get rid of. Like I want the number to go down. That's actually why I put them at 8pt font, because I couldn't stand having 2,000 pages to go through. So I shrunk the size so that it would be more bearable to believe I only had 1,000 left.

Contrariwise, I made my book bigger in font so that I could feel more optimistic about how much I'd written for it. But it's not in consecutive order in the least bit. Cause I haven't known what the consecutive order will be and it's not so much a sense of plot, so I can't just do it chapter by chapter. It's an interwoven representation of reality, of themes and ideas. So it could really be in any order, and I'm not sure what order I want it to be in yet.

So I'm just trying to organize the themes and maybe try making each theme a chapter and piece it together.

But I have to sleeeeeeeep now cause I have work in seven hours or something.

This is ridiculous. I have to wake up in three hours and I'm not tired at all. I'd stay up, but that would be ridiculous too. I know in about five or six hours I'll start to feel miserable. I can't work eight hours on no sleep and I have to babysit Isis for an hour or two after work. And I have to go shopping. I need milk and bread and stuff. I have no breakfast foods. I have oatmeal, but I don't have any cinnamon or honey, so it won't taste good. And I like putting milk in my oatmeal.

I'm just filled with so much raw emotion, I don't know what to do with it. I'm a little bit scared of it. It feels so intimate. So invading. But I'm also excited. I want to do something with it. I want to touch somebody's neck. Necks for me are very intimate. They're soft and naked and a little bit conclave between the head and the shoulders. Just raw flesh, in a sense. But sexy raw flesh. Not like your armpit or something.

I want to make something of this raw emotion. I can't make it go away so I can relax and lose consciousness. I want to express it. And naturally, I want to do this by having sex. Cause, to me, connecting on the physical level is like sealing the deal. You can connect mentally, or emotionally or spiritually, and it's important. But I'm afraid to connect physically and that's why I'm attracted to it. And if you can express your mental, emotional and spiritual connection through physical affection, you're kind of sealing the deal.

Anyway, I have too many raw images in my head. Too many things I want to do to unsuspecting people. Who are probably sleeping right now. That maybe will make it go away. If I remind myself that I can't have an emotional, mental, spiritual or physical connection with people who don't really want to have one with me. But awww, what if they did. I bet Iliya thinks about me. Hmm. Now I'm sad for him.

I have a headache. This is not going to be a fun day.

So I have to admit that working has made me more responsible. Because when you work, you kind of get this attitude that points out that things need to be done but you just take things one step at a time. You know? Like you fill your quota for that day and then you close up shop and go home.

I'm not really explaining this the way I originally thought it. It's just, when you consider housekeeping, you gotta do it constantly. When you live in a house with other, especially kids, it's a full time job in itself. And you're not really making all the messes that you have to clean. And it's a struggle to keep things orderly, because no one listens if you tell them to do so. But in the work environment, there are just things that need to be done and we don't do them obsessively - sometimes we get a little lazy, but there is a structure. And it's not a full-time job, even though I am technically working full time, but I mean that it's not where I live, so I get to go home at the end of the day and I just sort of take it one day at a time. I do what I need to do - and I get paid for it, admittedly, not a lot. But then I get to go home. And it just kind of gives me an air of responsibility. Things just need to be done, and I do it because I get paid, and then I get to go home.

And now, living on my own, I just kind of recognize that things need to be done. I wasn't like that before. Things never needed to be done. I just let things be, in whatever state they were in. And I didn't have any other choice because it was way too hard to do things my way while living in my parents house. But now, when I do the dishes, there are like five dishes, maybe ten. And I know that once they're done, they're done. And I'm the one to enjoy the clean dishes and make more dirty dishes. I'm the one who gets to reap the rewards and I don't mind picking up after myself.

I told my parents this... but they didn't believe me. They thought that since I always kept my room messy, that I would keep my apartment messy. But it's not like that. It's easy to keep things clean when everything is mine to keep clean. It's frustrating to clean the kitchen and then have someone else in the house come out and make a bunch of food and leave everything out on the counters and make a pile of dirty dishes. But everything is under my control now and I like it just so.

And even though, things aren't in my control at work, per se. It's like, a place for everything and everything in its place. So everything IS organized, even if it's not in particular the way I choose it to be. In my parents' house there wasn't any particular structure or organization. And there never could be. My parents didn't want to impose rules on us - we didn't want to follow them. But I think also my mom didn't want to have to follow the same rules, you know? My dad is more organized so he probably would - but he also isn't the housewife type of person, so he didn't really clean very much.

In any case, working has kind of taught me the nature of work. School didn't teach me that, because I didn't get paid for doing it. College is a little different because you're paying for it. But college was simple anyway. High school was obsessive - they just made us all their slaves, going to school for eight hours straight and then doing hours and hours of homework after school. It was extremely tedious. In any case, I didn't ever feel that any of it needed to be done the way I do now.

I love how it took me six paragraphs to say all that. I'm sure no one would have minded if I had simply said - hey hey, I find it easier to do my dishes now that I've grown to accept the fact that I have a responsibility to get things done - as I do in my job. And it's easier now that I live on my own and everything I do benefits myself, and everything that needs to be done is caused by me.

And that's it.

In any case, I'm kind of crushing on Matt. Shhh. I knew him from high school but not well at all and now I work with him at Starbucks. He's kind of mystery cause he's really bright and happy and positive - always in a really good mood and making jokes and making people happy. But he got kicked out of his college for... drinking? And he had a court case - although he wouldn't tell me what for. And he's a virgin. So he's kind of a random mix of dark and light and quirky.

I mean, there's Iliya, but he's going back to Bulgaria. I'm like 95% positive he likes me. And I talk to him on break and stuff. but he's leaving in like a week. And Georgie is also going back to Bulgaria. He's cute. I mostly just like when he pushed me against the wall and then tied my pigtail breads in a knot. I didn't know what he was doing at first, but there was a little excitement from his forceful nature.

He works with two guys - who, forgive me, I can't remember their names. They never really introduced themselves and I never hear anybody calling out their names. one of them seemed to want to invite me to the club, he asked me a couple times if I was interested in going. I never really answer when people ask me those kinds of questions though. If they don't ask me directly, I just don't answer. And even if they do ask me directly, I sometimes don't answer. In any case, he smokes and the way he talks, he doesn't really seem to be my type.

And then there's another one, and when I was working at Quiznos he came over and put his arm around Nicole and I just thought it was kind of sweet, so I immediately grew fond of him. He reminds me of an actor I know from Alias. I don't remember his name. :[ It's their fault for never wearing their name tags like they're supposed to. Hell, I don't even think they know my name. But this guy is still in high school, though he's 18, I think. He failed a greade. And he smokes as well, which sucks. But he's a little bit quieter. Like the first guy whistled when I walked across the plaza and said something about missing me. It was kind of brazen flirtation in a random way. But he shows a little too much personality that I don't really like.

Whereas the other guy is a little bit more subtle. I go there to eat pizza on my breaks and I chat with them. He sat down next to me and I had my cell phone on the table so he asked me for my number and when he left to go home he gave me a huge goodbye. My first hug from anybody at the plaza. I think Iliya has wanted to hug me, but he probably thinks I don't want him to. I give off that vibe. But this guy - who I must learn the name of, just seems to consider me his friend now. Since I spent like a half an hour chatting with him the other night after closing, I suppose we are friends. It's nice. He was warm when I hugged him, I liked it. I could see myself liking him.

Though, really, none of these guys are what I'm after in the true sense of things. But I always compromise. Since I don't know a single person my age who is this way. And definitely not any attractive males.

And then there's Timmy. But he's definitely not my type. Too short, too young. Too girl crazy. He wants to come party at my house this weekend. Which I have no problem with, but he's definitely not getting me drunk. And I kind of want other people there. He keeps announcing it at work, "party at Melinda's". (That's what Matt named me and him and Bryan and Tim call me it. Well, Bryan stopped. Which is good, cause he's not my friend and only friends get to call me by my nickname. I take it as a good sign that they feel comfortable enough in calling me it. Cause I think you have to be on good terms with someone to do it. Since it's technically a bit rude to do - call someone by another name.)

In any case, I just smile when he does it, so although Ron or David will be like Really? There's a party at Melinda's? I don't confirm it, so they probably don't think Tim is serious. I don't want to be alone with Timmy. He's already asked me directly if I'd be his girlfriend. I reminded him that he'd already asked Erica on a date that day. And then David told me that Tim had a crush on me a week later. And I think Tim almost asked me today if I wanted to have a three some, since he knows I'm bi.

He's so not my type.

Matt is my favorite. :) He's just a good person. He's like Santa. But a funny Santa.

But it was me, Matt and Ashley closing tonight. And Ashley always brings up sex. She's pretty brazen. She's black. I feel like that says something. She has that brazen black attitude. They like to be straight forward. In any case, just talking about sex, around Matt, somehow made me consider Matt in that context. Like I'd never really thought I could like him sexually. But now I'm thinking.. hmmm.

Not that I'm consciously thinking about it, per se. But now I can envision him in that context. Even though he's a virgin and he's like 20. I don't know what he's waiting for, he hasn't said anything about waiting for marriage. And he doesn't want us to think he's gay, so he seems to be straight. So even if I did date him, he might not want to have sex. Which is actually fine with me. Because despite what I say about being obsessed with sex, I've learned that guys don't know what girls want. Honestly, they just don't want the same things as girls want and they don't understand how it feels to be without a dick. And I don't really want to have to explain it all to them. And they don't really want to hear it. Cause they have a dick, and it doesn't concern them.

So, I feel ridiculous wanting sex so bad when thus far, it's not been anything worth my time. And to be honest, it hasn't even been that great for the two guys I slept with. But I don't really care. I didn't get an orgasm so why should it matter to me if they get an orgasm? James didn't because he used one of my climax control condoms and they have that desensitizing lubricant that makes it really hard to cum, since it's meant for premature ejaculators. Yeah, if I had only known while I was dating Mike.

Anyway, I'm going to watch Knocked Up. Though I shouldn't, cause I have to wake up in six and a half hours and this is a couple hours long, most likely. Booooo. I slept soo much this morning. I slept from like 9pm last night to like 10am this morning.