I've been having so many dreams. But I usually don't put them down so I forget them. There was that one where I was involved with Mike. I'm sure I don't need to tell you that he is quite different in my dreams than he is in real life. So we can't be surprised. I had a dream that James sent me a message saying that he really didn't like it that we'd stopped being friends so suddenly. It was less of a, let's be friends now. And more of a, I really don't like the way things happened. If you know what I mean. I can't put into words exactly how he put his into words. Totally unrealistic. James wouldn't ever say that. And if he thought it, it would only be because he was bored - since that's what brought him over here in the first place.
I also had a dream that I went to France and women couldn't listen to music after four o' clock. I think that's what it was. When I woke up I was thinking it might have been that we couldn't listen to women's music after four. Or something crazy. It was oppressive! We went out with a guy, that might have been what the ban was, leaving the house after four. And something happened and I think a policeman came. I thought it was a policewoman though. I just remember that the guy was black and I wanted to say I was his sister so whatever I was doing wouldn't be illegal. So he said I was his adopted sister. There was another girl with us.
Whatever it was that was illegal in France, we were breaking the rules. It might have been women can't use their oven after four. Seriously. It was weird.
Then I had that dream about Isis and I jumping on the ride... and the woman saying that she didn't think Stephanie should trust any random person with Isis. I don't know why Stephanie was Isis's mom. But Stephanie defended me and I said that Isis was my niece, thus, just as dear to me.
Then there was the water... That's where I got James's message. In the car, I guess. On the opposite beach. But then the tide came up and we had to grab our picnic basket and get in the car and wonder how the car was going to swim across. However, it turned into a canoe and we practically flew across. Over the docks that were essentially flooding... past the people making fun of us for whatever. When the waves came I closed my eyes and just let everybody else fly the damn canoe. It really did seem like it was flying. Gliding is a better description but the lightness we had, with which to jump or whatever suited our needs... it was like flying.
Hmm. I think that's all I remember of last nights. I have a whole list of dreams that I didn't explain, I just made a list with keywords... maybe some day I'll go through them and explain them as best as I can remember, by this point.
I've barely spent more then ten minutes in my room. If even that. I've hardly spent more than an hour, that was doing a survey. I've ultimately just slept in here. And then went right back out into the little room with the fireplace. It gets massively hot in there. In the mornings before I turn it on, it's 50 degrees. Then once I turn it on it's nearly 85 degress. That's how much of a different it makes. Of course as you get further away the temp goes down. It's comfortable in the living room and kitchen. It's cold in the bathroom and bedrooms, mostly because they have doors that are often cold, if not small in the first place so not a lot of air circulates between the rooms and the rest of the house's air.
In any case, I've read a lot of books. I think I've finished five. But I'll finish another today. And surely one tomorrow and the next. See, I read many at once. If I told myself I would only read one a day then I would have to accept that some books take me two hours and some take me ten. So one day I'd be swamped and the next I'd be underworked. Thus, I read many a day so that I can spread the bulk of one book over a few days and I can finish the smaller books gradually. Only two of them so far have been begun and finished on the same day. Currently I think I'm in the middle of five. Most of them will take me three or four hours. But at this point, I'm so far in to HP that it will probably only take me two hours to finish it. According to my plans I was supposed to finish it today but I didn't read enough so I think it'll be done tomorrow.
I make myself a schedule. Mostly because I love to deal with numbers, repeatedly. And lists. And lists that I can cross things out on....
I'm making up for lost time. Since I read absolutely nothing in about two weeks. Essentially, I only have two weeks left until college begins again..
I guess I'm giving my music a time to relax. I haven't touched it since Christmas.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Sunday, December 23, 2007
I had missed the sound of the rain. It's soothing. SHHHHHHH MY TYPING IS COVERING UP THE SOUND!
In that case, I'll make this quick. IT'S RAINING. It's melting the snow. I'm glad, it was getting annoying. Even though I don't have very many places to drive and my car has a gas leak anyway...
I can see my driveway. Albeit, under a lot of slush. But I can see it anyway, the rain is doing its job.
Ironically, the day before Christmas. It's ironic because of the "white Christmas" implied in Christmas songs. Last year, since it didn't snow a single time until Valentines Day we obviously didn't have a whit Christmas. I remember it raining on New Years Eve. I love New York.
So I thought this year we'd have a snowy Christmas for sure. The snow has been on the ground for a week and a half. But the day before Christmas the rain decides to finish out the rain. Unless it begins snowing again - which probably won't happen since I think the rain proves that the weather is "too warm" for snow....
Anyway. I love it. Snow is interesting. It can't fully explore it because it doesn't happen often enough, it's too cold to stand, and it's dangerous. It usually makes me stay in doors. But during the winter it's better to have white everywhere than brown. Still, it does not make me elated the way rain does. Rain simply makes my soul smile.
In that case, I'll make this quick. IT'S RAINING. It's melting the snow. I'm glad, it was getting annoying. Even though I don't have very many places to drive and my car has a gas leak anyway...
I can see my driveway. Albeit, under a lot of slush. But I can see it anyway, the rain is doing its job.
Ironically, the day before Christmas. It's ironic because of the "white Christmas" implied in Christmas songs. Last year, since it didn't snow a single time until Valentines Day we obviously didn't have a whit Christmas. I remember it raining on New Years Eve. I love New York.
So I thought this year we'd have a snowy Christmas for sure. The snow has been on the ground for a week and a half. But the day before Christmas the rain decides to finish out the rain. Unless it begins snowing again - which probably won't happen since I think the rain proves that the weather is "too warm" for snow....
Anyway. I love it. Snow is interesting. It can't fully explore it because it doesn't happen often enough, it's too cold to stand, and it's dangerous. It usually makes me stay in doors. But during the winter it's better to have white everywhere than brown. Still, it does not make me elated the way rain does. Rain simply makes my soul smile.
I have to stop sorting my music and READ. I haven't read a single thing in like two weeks. Weird how that happens. You'd think, since I have the time, I'd be all over that. But, I'm not...
A lot of it is this music. I've probably spent 24 whole hours sorting this stuff. No joke. Well, more than that. But in the past two days it's been about 20 hours. I'm like that, I can do one activity for hours at a time, with little pause. Especially when it comes to accomplishment. When I do a puzzle, each piece fitted together is an accomplishment and the entire puzzle being fitted together is a bigger accomplishment. When I read, I make small goals - to a certain chapter or half way through the book and then entirely finished, and then I even have a goal to have a certain amount of books finished. Those are all accomplishments.
Now, as I'm sorting my music... it's all for the better goal of having it completed, organized, perfect. It's nice. My music has been so chaotic for the past few years. It's got to stop. I can do something about it now because I have more space on my new computer. I used to only have 30Gb. That got me NO WHERE. Now I have pretty much put 130 mp3 CDs full of music on my computer. In other words, 15,000 songs? That's my guess. At one point I put it all on an iTunes playlist. It was 40 days worth of songs. I'm constantly downloading new songs and erasing songs because at this point they're sorted into separate folders based on genre or preference and that makes doubles. I could put them all in the same damn folder but the folder would be lagging and harder to sort in the end, so I'd prefer to take it slower, searching for the doubles in separate folders.
It's a huge project. But I've got the time, and the patience. And my music won't disturb anyone while my parents are gone so that's helpful. Plus I have lots of CDs and DVDs to burn the music onto in the end. After it's all sorted. I'm actually very nearly out of space. I have 120Gb on this computer. Actually, I have another hard drive that I've been meaning to put in this computer but I haven't got around to it. So once that's in I won't have any problems. I could keep all of the music on my computer if I wanted to. However, I don't.
I really haven't been saying as much as I'd like lately. I feel so crappy when I don't write. Because that's like telling my memories I don't want to preserve them. And I so badly do.
There was that episode with the Firemen. Now I know what the back of a firetruck looks like. I also know there are some hot firemen in my town. I knew one of them from my highschool, he's not superhot, otherwise I would have noticed it during school. But the other one I've never seen before and he's yummy. The chief was not attractive. And he smoked Cigarettes..
So we got my water heater fixed. Which is good. I like my showers.
Kristen slept over. Three times actually. The first night we watched Pirates of the Caribbean 1-3. That's like eight hours there. It was epic. I loved it. She loved it. They're amazing. She'd never seen any of them before hand. And I'd never watched them right in a row. I want to do it again. I actually got restless during the third one and started copying music from those cds to my computer. I missed a lot of the action during the end. But since I own it and had seen it previously, I wasn't bothered.
Then Kristen got snowed in. There was a small opportunity for me to drive her home the day after Pirates of the Caribbean but I wasn't very eager and then it began snowing. And she surrendered to spending another night. We watched Ratatouillie (sp). So that got us in the mood and we decided to cook. We made an invention called Zitagna. We took Lasagna noodles and we put meat and cheese in them and then rolled them up and put sauce on top. We didn't use any recipe so we just put random seasoning in the sauce. And we also put Ziti around the little rolls. That's how we got the name. Good times. It was fairly good. It could have used a little bit of extra seasoning on the meat and the sauce but we did the best we could. Plus, we overcooked it slightly and that was disappointing.
Then Nick came over. Well actually, first we sang Christmas songs and I brought out tons of candles and lighted them all and turned off all the lights. I love setting the mood. Ambiance is so important to me. It honestly controls my mood. The same dialogue with the same people could be said in three different places and I'd like or dislike it in three different ways. We didn't know a lot of Christmas songs. At least not all the way. And then we just decided to sing any songs. Or rather, I decided. Because I'm tyrannical. But we couldn't think of very many to sing.
Then Nick got there. And we sat around by the fire with gas lamps and candles. We played Go Fish but before we could start a new game we got into conversation that took up the whole night. And we didn't end up doing anything but that. Nick is pretty cool. He's black. I have to add that in there because I haven't had a lot of personal interaction. And he's French. I'm not sure if he was born in France but his mom was so he speaks French fluently. He corrects Kristen and I. Which I find obnoxious. But I got him back by correcting his English. He doesn't need it as if he's foreign, he needs it as if he's a lazy ass American who doesn't wish to speak correctly. But I did it in a very significant way so he knew I was doing it to get him back for correcting us.
He's in the army like Amelia. And he talks about when he's going to Afghanistan. I dislike that topic. I dislike all topics about war. Blah.
We talked a lot about women vs. men. I challenged him on some things he was saying and he defended his ways. He's pretty fair in general, but also about women. But he's also a guy - thus slightly blind to exactly how it feels to be a woman. He goes to college and there were some things him and his buddies did that I had a problem with.
He is uber confident. He brags all the time about all his great accomplishments. And about his personality. He's a clubber. If that's the right word. He is always at a club. And he talks about his experiences there all the time. Like when he talks about women, he talks about the women he experiences at the clubs. And when he talks about interaction between men and women, he talks about the interaction he experiences at the clubs.
He does not like relationships. And he does not want to fall in love. But after I lectured him a bit, because he was dissing all love because of a few negative things, which are preventable under the right circumstances, thus, to give up all love would be foolish. If you know what I mean. Anyway, he told me that I'd beat him on how long it's been since I've dated someone. Although if you could Kristen, I may not have beat him. But I specifically said, It's been two years since I've dated a guy. Although I almost feel like I'm cheating since I've been involved with Dan so much.
In any case, they both left the next day. But then came back a couple days later for the party Amelia was having. It was an end-of-the-schoolyear-christmas party. It was hardly a Christmas party. I bought candy canes, at least. There were ten of us. Kristen was the only person I invited. They all bought drinks. I bought soda. For some reason I didn't expect anybody to drink but I'm innocent so what do I know.
I didn't even get tipsy. I think the two Smirnoffs I had were so spread apart that the only physiological effect on my body was a slight dizziness about my eyes. Like I could tell that they weren't quite steady or as focused as I wanted them to be. I was supposed to drive to the liquor store until the dizziness started so Kristen drove. We meant to get Vodka but it took us like an hour to get the party people to sacrifice their cars and whatnot. The stick was our best bet but Kristen couldn't drive. Nick's car was blocked by Andrea on the one hand and Brooklynn on the other.
So we got Brooklynn's keys to move her car, which Nick did, right on my lawn. That was a bloody mess. Nearly uprooted a little tree. The car was amazing though. SUV is probably a better word. Four wheel drive? But he got stuck and I tried to get out while they pushed and they broke a sort of bumper thing on the front, not quite sure what you'd call it. It took us like a half an hour. Finally he got back in a drove forward and out through the fresh snow back on the driveway. Then I backed out. But Kristen couldn't get Nick's car down the driveway anyway, so we took Brooklynn's car. But by that time the liquor store was closed so we ended up getting Mike's Hard Lemonade.
I ended up with so much beer and liquor in my fridge after everybody had left. I still have the beer. Nick took the other stuff.
Nick gets very touchy-feely when he's drunk. He was all over everybody! Always putting his arms around their necks or his hands around their waist. Surprisingly, Kristen too. I can't possibly say this without sounding like a horrible friend but it surprised me because it proved that he wasn't particular. Well actually, now that I think about it he probably only touched Brooklynn, me, and Kristen. Because I didn't see him on the other three girls and he didn't actually interact a lot with Amelia. I wonder why that is.
Anyway.. him, Kristen and I sort of had a special trio because we'd already spent some time together a few nights before. It was fun. To have a special trio. I like special trios best. And within the special trios I like special duos. Like with James and Andrew I had a special trio but within that I had a special duo with James. And I had a special duo with Kristen without the trio that was with Nick. It's definitely my favorite combination. I'm often out of the special duo and that's not my favorite trio...
By the end of the night Nick was being an asshole though. In his words, he was trying to get a rise out of me. Maybe that's true, but I think there were some other issues as well. As Amelia says, the reason I've been single for two years is because none of the guys can handle me. Which is less of a boast on my part and more of an insult to their ability to be around a powerful person besides themselves. In other words, they can't stand me because I'm powerful and they're threatened. Nick was really trying to tear down my power in the end.
He was mocking me and he would say things like "you think you're so strong hahaha". Which implied that I was proud of my strength and he thought me weak. When in truth, I thought myself weak in the first place, so there wasn't anything to mock. But he got around that by putting words in my mouth. That got a rise out of me. He said something like I was dumb and I told him that I was 16 and at college last year. To which he replied that he was blah blah blah, so smart - with his own showing off. Which is fine, because I never told him I was smarter than him. I only told him I was smarter than what he told me I was. But he wouldn't let me explain.
And he kept calling me an eleventeen year old. Implying that I'm immature. He even said I looked eleventeen. HA. When I was eleven everybody told me I looked 15. Now that I'm 17 everybody thinks I look 20. Nobody would believe that he really thinks I look eleven. There has only been one or two other people who have ever told me they originally thought I was younger than I am. And for the record, when I told Nick I was seventeen at the beginning of the party, he was surprised.
He only called me eleventeen to belittle me. And I told him straight up that he was threatened by my power and that's why he was belittling me. And not only that, he was belittling me because I was a woman and he felt he should be stronger and more powerful than me. He admitted he didn't give a fuck about feminist issues. Which totally goes against our previous conversation that first night, but I guess the truth comes out when he's drunk.
He was such a jerk to me. And massively strong. He kept tickling me and holding my arm or my wrist in a way that hurt once he'd let go. And while kicking me he ended up smashing my finger between the wall and his foot and it bled and hurt a lot. And I cried. Partly because of the pain and partly because of the emotional frustration with him.
I only got him back once. He was holding my wrists and daring me to slap him. For some reason he doesn't mind being slapped and I love that because guys who get offended when they're slapped are total pigs. It's one of the few things women can do because men are generally stronger, thus, it's our right to express our displeasure in that way. So he was holding my wrists and he knew I couldn't get away but at one point HE held my arms in a certain spot and I took my chance and smacked him. It surprised us both, I hardly had time to think about it because I really didn't expect to make it. But it was funny.
He apologized for "trying to get a rise out of me" a bunch of times. I told him that I wasn't pissed off anymore, I had simply lost some respect for him. To which he replied that he didn't care. Which further proves that he was still trying to belittle my power. Either he respects my power, and thus, respects my opinion. Or he doesn't respect my power, and thus, tries to undermine it by acting like my opinions don't matter.
He nearly reminded me of Wayne. Actually, the next morning he did because I was telling him about Wayne. At the beginning of the party Nick was talking to me about me. Like he was saying, "you're this way..." and such. He was, appraising me or analyzing me or whatever you want to call it. And that was flattering. Until he realized something he didn't like, apparently, and it made him take a turn for the worst. It made me sad because I was really enjoying his company.
And the slightly obnoxious things that I'd let go, like his bragging, became prominently obnoxious things. I generally ignored him when he'd talk to me or apologize to me, by the end of the night. But the next morning I pretended like it didn't happen. Except our exchanges about how my finger hurt from his foot and his finger hurt from my biting. And then we had a talk about how Mike is gay. I sort of wish I hadn't said that. I suppose because it makes my choice to date Mike seem a bit pathetic. And since Nick is always bragging about how his ex girlfriends are models and Hooters models.... it doesn't make my choice a great one. I wished I had kept it to myself but now he knows all the fantastic details.
So Kristen and I slept in my mom's bed. Cuddled a bit. And she kissed me once. Although she wanted to kiss me more. But I was too shy. I did not like that. Like when I woke up the morning after that candle ambiance incident it was almost like I still felt the ambiance in my half sleepiness. Almost like I had been dreaming about it. It felt soo beautiful. But the day after sleeping in my mom's bed I actually felt like the hours in bed with Kristen had sucked.
See, having Kristen put pressure on me felt like a bad experience because the ambiance was bad. So now I've associated her eh lesbian interaction with me with that bad ambiance, and it feels bad, and I'm not eager to experience it again. Although, I've had that kind of interaction with her before and it didn't bother me. Oddly she didn't mention it at all the first two nights she spent the night. But because Nick was so touchy-feely and everybody was just laughing and dancing and drinking and whatnot, Kristen and I were cuddly and the like. If you know what I mean.
Hopefully Kristen will come back, although there's really nothing to do! After Pirates of the Caribbean, getting snowed in, our dinner, hanging out with Nick, the party, getting stuck on the snowy lawn... I would imagine anything else we do to be anticlimactic. But I'm not actually worried. We'll probably watch How The Grinch Stole Christmas and we have tons of inside jokes. The problem with only hanging out with someone once every two months or whatever is that your inside jokes get left behind. After hanging out so much this past week we have so many memories together and so many things to laugh at, so many things that we don't need to explain to each other because we already understand it. I'll miss that once we go back to only hanging out once every two or three months. :(
So I feel I should admit, to my diary, that I'm slightly attracted to Nick. A lot of it is having him slightly attracted to me. I couldn't say if he is or not, he has seen my worst moments, bad hair days and acne and the like. Even though he's also seen some good moments. But that's not what I meant to say. I meant to say, I wouldn't presume he's attracted to me but a lot of my interest stems from the idea of having him attracted to me. I'm like that. I'm attracted to people and situations where I like who I am.
So, if I like the person I show to Nick, I therefore like Nick because it's a pleasure and a comfort to be the person I am when I'm around him. Not that that's all. I like him too. He's friendly and interesting. I'm not even going to call him sexy because it's kind of in between. I guess it's hard for me to form an opinion since he's black. Because I don't find him ugly, but I neither like his features. When I think about the black guys I'm attracted to they're way hotter than him.
lol, the things I have to admit to my journal.
There was one point while he was tickling me on the couch that his torso was essentially between my legs. It was very nearly an erotic position. I suppose it's hard for me to have physical contact with someone and not see it as sexual contact. I don't know, maybe it's hard for everybody. It's almost like, since I have sex with no one, I have sex with everyone. Does that make sense? It's like saying, there isn't a special someone, so all the contact I have is equally special. And slightly erotic, I suppose. Since I'm a horny person.
I don't know what I'm saying.
All I'm trying to say is that I'm slightly attracted to Nick. Attracted to his personality as well as to his body. Even though he had some disastrous qualities while he was drunk, he also had some very endearing qualities while he was drunk. I probably shouldn't form an infatuation with him. He probably wouldn't form an infatuation with me. But when you're like me and you never have any opportunities... you like to entertain the ones you have.
I have to say, I either said it in a journal entry or merely thought it, thought - what would it take for me to forget John? Meaning, if I had a new lover, would I forget John in an instant, does he mean nothing to me except that he's the only chance I have... And oddly enough, the friendship with Kristen was enough to make me forget John's existence. After she left, he asked me if I'd missed him and I told him I was too busy to miss him. Because even though she and I had no sexual tension between us - at least in my opinion - it was still fulfilling. And it satisfied me so much that it replaced my need for John.
I suppose even though I like sex, that proves that it's definitely not all about sex. My need for someone isn't about sex. I use sex to bond with people. When I fall in love with a guy, I use sex to enhance my bond with them. Perhaps I needlessly concentrate on it. I guess, physical intimacy is a replacement for emotional intimacy. I actually want emotional intimacy. But instead of trying to achieve that with guys I'm attracted to, I look to physical intimacy.
With Kristen, I have emotional intimacy. Not to say that we're especially fond of each other. But that we bond really well. I feel that we're on the same level. We laugh a lot. I keep telling her to tell everybody that she thinks I'm funny because nobody else knows that I'm funny except her and Amelia. We connect intellectually and philosophically to a certain degree. Plus, I guess, as friends can only do, she understands me emotionally. I guess as two girls who are about the same age, I feel like she knows where I'm coming from. Perhaps, I've been striving for guys way too much. I see them as opposites. I see them as separate class entities. Meaning, we're in a different class. Individually, Kristen and I are different. But our gender links us in a way that I didn't realize I actually enjoyed.
It's been a long time since I've had a best friend. Kristen and I have been friends for a couple years and we're even now only hitting the peak of our friendship. We don't even go to school together anymore..
I think about inviting John over since I think he comes back from Jersey today. But still feeling the vibe aftermath of the experiences I've had with Kristen and Nick, I don't really want to hang out with John. It doesn't serve me. Our personalities clash in such a fruitless way. The only thing ever good between us was the sexual interaction. But truthfully, I don't want him anymore. I want that touch of passion we shared. But I'd prefer to find somebody new.
I haven't decided if I'm going to hang out with him or not because I know he wants to hang out with me. But it just doesn't seem profitable. However, since I don't have any sexy people lining up to come hang out with me, or rather, make out with me... hanging out with John may seem more attractive in the weeks to come.
Unless Nick gets me a fake ID and takes me clubbing. Now that I think about it, how did Amelia get in the club...
I can't tell Kristen I'm attracted to Nick. I mean, I could tell her that I want to do him. Because that's what she told me. But saying I have a crush on him is like saying that I want a special duo with him, so to make her the third wheel. Because he's the third wheel in our special trio, he has fairly equal interaction with both of us. He's neither her friend nor is my friend. He's our friend in the trio. I feel like we both met him at the same time and talked to him at the same time. To even think about him having a preference for me, when he's our friend is sort of a betrayal. In my mind at least. It's not so much that I think she would care. It's just the way I see it.
When we were laying in my mom's bed for a couple hours (we stayed up till 5) I kept mentioning Nick. I was bitching a bit more than anything but at one point I said, Am I talking about Nick too much? And she said no, why? And I said, I guess I'm paranoid. Because I felt like I was one of those people infatuated with someone so I talk about him all the time. I suppose, to an anonymous observer, I was talking about a wide range of subjects, but I ignored all but Nick. The topics about Nick had a red flag in my mind so they added up and I felt like he was the only things I kept bringing up.
I really should stop this infatuation nonsense. He's such an egotistical maniac. He would rub it in my face so much if he knew.
It's just that, he was also very sincere and relatable. When I feel like the only part of a person I can touch is their ego, I can't stand them. But I know that Nick is more than that. Instead of being an ego with a human accessory. He's a human with an egotistical accessory. It's almost like saying, I like you but not the outfit you're wearing.
That's why I even bother. Because if I paid attention to only his worst qualities I would not feel like this. Not that I feel very much in particular. Just intrigue, I suppose. And the hope that he's intrigued by me as well. Even if I'm not a Hooter's model.
It was kind of funny too. He grazed my boob when he tickled me. And I told Kristen after he'd left the kitchen. And I predicted to her that he would only say, What boob? Compared to his Hooter's girlfriend. So the next time he came back into the kitchen I told him that he'd touched my boob and he said something like, I couldn't tell - significantly. Because there's not a lot there.
I'm proud of myself for predicting his personality. :p
A lot of it is this music. I've probably spent 24 whole hours sorting this stuff. No joke. Well, more than that. But in the past two days it's been about 20 hours. I'm like that, I can do one activity for hours at a time, with little pause. Especially when it comes to accomplishment. When I do a puzzle, each piece fitted together is an accomplishment and the entire puzzle being fitted together is a bigger accomplishment. When I read, I make small goals - to a certain chapter or half way through the book and then entirely finished, and then I even have a goal to have a certain amount of books finished. Those are all accomplishments.
Now, as I'm sorting my music... it's all for the better goal of having it completed, organized, perfect. It's nice. My music has been so chaotic for the past few years. It's got to stop. I can do something about it now because I have more space on my new computer. I used to only have 30Gb. That got me NO WHERE. Now I have pretty much put 130 mp3 CDs full of music on my computer. In other words, 15,000 songs? That's my guess. At one point I put it all on an iTunes playlist. It was 40 days worth of songs. I'm constantly downloading new songs and erasing songs because at this point they're sorted into separate folders based on genre or preference and that makes doubles. I could put them all in the same damn folder but the folder would be lagging and harder to sort in the end, so I'd prefer to take it slower, searching for the doubles in separate folders.
It's a huge project. But I've got the time, and the patience. And my music won't disturb anyone while my parents are gone so that's helpful. Plus I have lots of CDs and DVDs to burn the music onto in the end. After it's all sorted. I'm actually very nearly out of space. I have 120Gb on this computer. Actually, I have another hard drive that I've been meaning to put in this computer but I haven't got around to it. So once that's in I won't have any problems. I could keep all of the music on my computer if I wanted to. However, I don't.
I really haven't been saying as much as I'd like lately. I feel so crappy when I don't write. Because that's like telling my memories I don't want to preserve them. And I so badly do.
There was that episode with the Firemen. Now I know what the back of a firetruck looks like. I also know there are some hot firemen in my town. I knew one of them from my highschool, he's not superhot, otherwise I would have noticed it during school. But the other one I've never seen before and he's yummy. The chief was not attractive. And he smoked Cigarettes..
So we got my water heater fixed. Which is good. I like my showers.
Kristen slept over. Three times actually. The first night we watched Pirates of the Caribbean 1-3. That's like eight hours there. It was epic. I loved it. She loved it. They're amazing. She'd never seen any of them before hand. And I'd never watched them right in a row. I want to do it again. I actually got restless during the third one and started copying music from those cds to my computer. I missed a lot of the action during the end. But since I own it and had seen it previously, I wasn't bothered.
Then Kristen got snowed in. There was a small opportunity for me to drive her home the day after Pirates of the Caribbean but I wasn't very eager and then it began snowing. And she surrendered to spending another night. We watched Ratatouillie (sp). So that got us in the mood and we decided to cook. We made an invention called Zitagna. We took Lasagna noodles and we put meat and cheese in them and then rolled them up and put sauce on top. We didn't use any recipe so we just put random seasoning in the sauce. And we also put Ziti around the little rolls. That's how we got the name. Good times. It was fairly good. It could have used a little bit of extra seasoning on the meat and the sauce but we did the best we could. Plus, we overcooked it slightly and that was disappointing.
Then Nick came over. Well actually, first we sang Christmas songs and I brought out tons of candles and lighted them all and turned off all the lights. I love setting the mood. Ambiance is so important to me. It honestly controls my mood. The same dialogue with the same people could be said in three different places and I'd like or dislike it in three different ways. We didn't know a lot of Christmas songs. At least not all the way. And then we just decided to sing any songs. Or rather, I decided. Because I'm tyrannical. But we couldn't think of very many to sing.
Then Nick got there. And we sat around by the fire with gas lamps and candles. We played Go Fish but before we could start a new game we got into conversation that took up the whole night. And we didn't end up doing anything but that. Nick is pretty cool. He's black. I have to add that in there because I haven't had a lot of personal interaction. And he's French. I'm not sure if he was born in France but his mom was so he speaks French fluently. He corrects Kristen and I. Which I find obnoxious. But I got him back by correcting his English. He doesn't need it as if he's foreign, he needs it as if he's a lazy ass American who doesn't wish to speak correctly. But I did it in a very significant way so he knew I was doing it to get him back for correcting us.
He's in the army like Amelia. And he talks about when he's going to Afghanistan. I dislike that topic. I dislike all topics about war. Blah.
We talked a lot about women vs. men. I challenged him on some things he was saying and he defended his ways. He's pretty fair in general, but also about women. But he's also a guy - thus slightly blind to exactly how it feels to be a woman. He goes to college and there were some things him and his buddies did that I had a problem with.
He is uber confident. He brags all the time about all his great accomplishments. And about his personality. He's a clubber. If that's the right word. He is always at a club. And he talks about his experiences there all the time. Like when he talks about women, he talks about the women he experiences at the clubs. And when he talks about interaction between men and women, he talks about the interaction he experiences at the clubs.
He does not like relationships. And he does not want to fall in love. But after I lectured him a bit, because he was dissing all love because of a few negative things, which are preventable under the right circumstances, thus, to give up all love would be foolish. If you know what I mean. Anyway, he told me that I'd beat him on how long it's been since I've dated someone. Although if you could Kristen, I may not have beat him. But I specifically said, It's been two years since I've dated a guy. Although I almost feel like I'm cheating since I've been involved with Dan so much.
In any case, they both left the next day. But then came back a couple days later for the party Amelia was having. It was an end-of-the-schoolyear-christmas party. It was hardly a Christmas party. I bought candy canes, at least. There were ten of us. Kristen was the only person I invited. They all bought drinks. I bought soda. For some reason I didn't expect anybody to drink but I'm innocent so what do I know.
I didn't even get tipsy. I think the two Smirnoffs I had were so spread apart that the only physiological effect on my body was a slight dizziness about my eyes. Like I could tell that they weren't quite steady or as focused as I wanted them to be. I was supposed to drive to the liquor store until the dizziness started so Kristen drove. We meant to get Vodka but it took us like an hour to get the party people to sacrifice their cars and whatnot. The stick was our best bet but Kristen couldn't drive. Nick's car was blocked by Andrea on the one hand and Brooklynn on the other.
So we got Brooklynn's keys to move her car, which Nick did, right on my lawn. That was a bloody mess. Nearly uprooted a little tree. The car was amazing though. SUV is probably a better word. Four wheel drive? But he got stuck and I tried to get out while they pushed and they broke a sort of bumper thing on the front, not quite sure what you'd call it. It took us like a half an hour. Finally he got back in a drove forward and out through the fresh snow back on the driveway. Then I backed out. But Kristen couldn't get Nick's car down the driveway anyway, so we took Brooklynn's car. But by that time the liquor store was closed so we ended up getting Mike's Hard Lemonade.
I ended up with so much beer and liquor in my fridge after everybody had left. I still have the beer. Nick took the other stuff.
Nick gets very touchy-feely when he's drunk. He was all over everybody! Always putting his arms around their necks or his hands around their waist. Surprisingly, Kristen too. I can't possibly say this without sounding like a horrible friend but it surprised me because it proved that he wasn't particular. Well actually, now that I think about it he probably only touched Brooklynn, me, and Kristen. Because I didn't see him on the other three girls and he didn't actually interact a lot with Amelia. I wonder why that is.
Anyway.. him, Kristen and I sort of had a special trio because we'd already spent some time together a few nights before. It was fun. To have a special trio. I like special trios best. And within the special trios I like special duos. Like with James and Andrew I had a special trio but within that I had a special duo with James. And I had a special duo with Kristen without the trio that was with Nick. It's definitely my favorite combination. I'm often out of the special duo and that's not my favorite trio...
By the end of the night Nick was being an asshole though. In his words, he was trying to get a rise out of me. Maybe that's true, but I think there were some other issues as well. As Amelia says, the reason I've been single for two years is because none of the guys can handle me. Which is less of a boast on my part and more of an insult to their ability to be around a powerful person besides themselves. In other words, they can't stand me because I'm powerful and they're threatened. Nick was really trying to tear down my power in the end.
He was mocking me and he would say things like "you think you're so strong hahaha". Which implied that I was proud of my strength and he thought me weak. When in truth, I thought myself weak in the first place, so there wasn't anything to mock. But he got around that by putting words in my mouth. That got a rise out of me. He said something like I was dumb and I told him that I was 16 and at college last year. To which he replied that he was blah blah blah, so smart - with his own showing off. Which is fine, because I never told him I was smarter than him. I only told him I was smarter than what he told me I was. But he wouldn't let me explain.
And he kept calling me an eleventeen year old. Implying that I'm immature. He even said I looked eleventeen. HA. When I was eleven everybody told me I looked 15. Now that I'm 17 everybody thinks I look 20. Nobody would believe that he really thinks I look eleven. There has only been one or two other people who have ever told me they originally thought I was younger than I am. And for the record, when I told Nick I was seventeen at the beginning of the party, he was surprised.
He only called me eleventeen to belittle me. And I told him straight up that he was threatened by my power and that's why he was belittling me. And not only that, he was belittling me because I was a woman and he felt he should be stronger and more powerful than me. He admitted he didn't give a fuck about feminist issues. Which totally goes against our previous conversation that first night, but I guess the truth comes out when he's drunk.
He was such a jerk to me. And massively strong. He kept tickling me and holding my arm or my wrist in a way that hurt once he'd let go. And while kicking me he ended up smashing my finger between the wall and his foot and it bled and hurt a lot. And I cried. Partly because of the pain and partly because of the emotional frustration with him.
I only got him back once. He was holding my wrists and daring me to slap him. For some reason he doesn't mind being slapped and I love that because guys who get offended when they're slapped are total pigs. It's one of the few things women can do because men are generally stronger, thus, it's our right to express our displeasure in that way. So he was holding my wrists and he knew I couldn't get away but at one point HE held my arms in a certain spot and I took my chance and smacked him. It surprised us both, I hardly had time to think about it because I really didn't expect to make it. But it was funny.
He apologized for "trying to get a rise out of me" a bunch of times. I told him that I wasn't pissed off anymore, I had simply lost some respect for him. To which he replied that he didn't care. Which further proves that he was still trying to belittle my power. Either he respects my power, and thus, respects my opinion. Or he doesn't respect my power, and thus, tries to undermine it by acting like my opinions don't matter.
He nearly reminded me of Wayne. Actually, the next morning he did because I was telling him about Wayne. At the beginning of the party Nick was talking to me about me. Like he was saying, "you're this way..." and such. He was, appraising me or analyzing me or whatever you want to call it. And that was flattering. Until he realized something he didn't like, apparently, and it made him take a turn for the worst. It made me sad because I was really enjoying his company.
And the slightly obnoxious things that I'd let go, like his bragging, became prominently obnoxious things. I generally ignored him when he'd talk to me or apologize to me, by the end of the night. But the next morning I pretended like it didn't happen. Except our exchanges about how my finger hurt from his foot and his finger hurt from my biting. And then we had a talk about how Mike is gay. I sort of wish I hadn't said that. I suppose because it makes my choice to date Mike seem a bit pathetic. And since Nick is always bragging about how his ex girlfriends are models and Hooters models.... it doesn't make my choice a great one. I wished I had kept it to myself but now he knows all the fantastic details.
So Kristen and I slept in my mom's bed. Cuddled a bit. And she kissed me once. Although she wanted to kiss me more. But I was too shy. I did not like that. Like when I woke up the morning after that candle ambiance incident it was almost like I still felt the ambiance in my half sleepiness. Almost like I had been dreaming about it. It felt soo beautiful. But the day after sleeping in my mom's bed I actually felt like the hours in bed with Kristen had sucked.
See, having Kristen put pressure on me felt like a bad experience because the ambiance was bad. So now I've associated her eh lesbian interaction with me with that bad ambiance, and it feels bad, and I'm not eager to experience it again. Although, I've had that kind of interaction with her before and it didn't bother me. Oddly she didn't mention it at all the first two nights she spent the night. But because Nick was so touchy-feely and everybody was just laughing and dancing and drinking and whatnot, Kristen and I were cuddly and the like. If you know what I mean.
Hopefully Kristen will come back, although there's really nothing to do! After Pirates of the Caribbean, getting snowed in, our dinner, hanging out with Nick, the party, getting stuck on the snowy lawn... I would imagine anything else we do to be anticlimactic. But I'm not actually worried. We'll probably watch How The Grinch Stole Christmas and we have tons of inside jokes. The problem with only hanging out with someone once every two months or whatever is that your inside jokes get left behind. After hanging out so much this past week we have so many memories together and so many things to laugh at, so many things that we don't need to explain to each other because we already understand it. I'll miss that once we go back to only hanging out once every two or three months. :(
So I feel I should admit, to my diary, that I'm slightly attracted to Nick. A lot of it is having him slightly attracted to me. I couldn't say if he is or not, he has seen my worst moments, bad hair days and acne and the like. Even though he's also seen some good moments. But that's not what I meant to say. I meant to say, I wouldn't presume he's attracted to me but a lot of my interest stems from the idea of having him attracted to me. I'm like that. I'm attracted to people and situations where I like who I am.
So, if I like the person I show to Nick, I therefore like Nick because it's a pleasure and a comfort to be the person I am when I'm around him. Not that that's all. I like him too. He's friendly and interesting. I'm not even going to call him sexy because it's kind of in between. I guess it's hard for me to form an opinion since he's black. Because I don't find him ugly, but I neither like his features. When I think about the black guys I'm attracted to they're way hotter than him.
lol, the things I have to admit to my journal.
There was one point while he was tickling me on the couch that his torso was essentially between my legs. It was very nearly an erotic position. I suppose it's hard for me to have physical contact with someone and not see it as sexual contact. I don't know, maybe it's hard for everybody. It's almost like, since I have sex with no one, I have sex with everyone. Does that make sense? It's like saying, there isn't a special someone, so all the contact I have is equally special. And slightly erotic, I suppose. Since I'm a horny person.
I don't know what I'm saying.
All I'm trying to say is that I'm slightly attracted to Nick. Attracted to his personality as well as to his body. Even though he had some disastrous qualities while he was drunk, he also had some very endearing qualities while he was drunk. I probably shouldn't form an infatuation with him. He probably wouldn't form an infatuation with me. But when you're like me and you never have any opportunities... you like to entertain the ones you have.
I have to say, I either said it in a journal entry or merely thought it, thought - what would it take for me to forget John? Meaning, if I had a new lover, would I forget John in an instant, does he mean nothing to me except that he's the only chance I have... And oddly enough, the friendship with Kristen was enough to make me forget John's existence. After she left, he asked me if I'd missed him and I told him I was too busy to miss him. Because even though she and I had no sexual tension between us - at least in my opinion - it was still fulfilling. And it satisfied me so much that it replaced my need for John.
I suppose even though I like sex, that proves that it's definitely not all about sex. My need for someone isn't about sex. I use sex to bond with people. When I fall in love with a guy, I use sex to enhance my bond with them. Perhaps I needlessly concentrate on it. I guess, physical intimacy is a replacement for emotional intimacy. I actually want emotional intimacy. But instead of trying to achieve that with guys I'm attracted to, I look to physical intimacy.
With Kristen, I have emotional intimacy. Not to say that we're especially fond of each other. But that we bond really well. I feel that we're on the same level. We laugh a lot. I keep telling her to tell everybody that she thinks I'm funny because nobody else knows that I'm funny except her and Amelia. We connect intellectually and philosophically to a certain degree. Plus, I guess, as friends can only do, she understands me emotionally. I guess as two girls who are about the same age, I feel like she knows where I'm coming from. Perhaps, I've been striving for guys way too much. I see them as opposites. I see them as separate class entities. Meaning, we're in a different class. Individually, Kristen and I are different. But our gender links us in a way that I didn't realize I actually enjoyed.
It's been a long time since I've had a best friend. Kristen and I have been friends for a couple years and we're even now only hitting the peak of our friendship. We don't even go to school together anymore..
I think about inviting John over since I think he comes back from Jersey today. But still feeling the vibe aftermath of the experiences I've had with Kristen and Nick, I don't really want to hang out with John. It doesn't serve me. Our personalities clash in such a fruitless way. The only thing ever good between us was the sexual interaction. But truthfully, I don't want him anymore. I want that touch of passion we shared. But I'd prefer to find somebody new.
I haven't decided if I'm going to hang out with him or not because I know he wants to hang out with me. But it just doesn't seem profitable. However, since I don't have any sexy people lining up to come hang out with me, or rather, make out with me... hanging out with John may seem more attractive in the weeks to come.
Unless Nick gets me a fake ID and takes me clubbing. Now that I think about it, how did Amelia get in the club...
I can't tell Kristen I'm attracted to Nick. I mean, I could tell her that I want to do him. Because that's what she told me. But saying I have a crush on him is like saying that I want a special duo with him, so to make her the third wheel. Because he's the third wheel in our special trio, he has fairly equal interaction with both of us. He's neither her friend nor is my friend. He's our friend in the trio. I feel like we both met him at the same time and talked to him at the same time. To even think about him having a preference for me, when he's our friend is sort of a betrayal. In my mind at least. It's not so much that I think she would care. It's just the way I see it.
When we were laying in my mom's bed for a couple hours (we stayed up till 5) I kept mentioning Nick. I was bitching a bit more than anything but at one point I said, Am I talking about Nick too much? And she said no, why? And I said, I guess I'm paranoid. Because I felt like I was one of those people infatuated with someone so I talk about him all the time. I suppose, to an anonymous observer, I was talking about a wide range of subjects, but I ignored all but Nick. The topics about Nick had a red flag in my mind so they added up and I felt like he was the only things I kept bringing up.
I really should stop this infatuation nonsense. He's such an egotistical maniac. He would rub it in my face so much if he knew.
It's just that, he was also very sincere and relatable. When I feel like the only part of a person I can touch is their ego, I can't stand them. But I know that Nick is more than that. Instead of being an ego with a human accessory. He's a human with an egotistical accessory. It's almost like saying, I like you but not the outfit you're wearing.
That's why I even bother. Because if I paid attention to only his worst qualities I would not feel like this. Not that I feel very much in particular. Just intrigue, I suppose. And the hope that he's intrigued by me as well. Even if I'm not a Hooter's model.
It was kind of funny too. He grazed my boob when he tickled me. And I told Kristen after he'd left the kitchen. And I predicted to her that he would only say, What boob? Compared to his Hooter's girlfriend. So the next time he came back into the kitchen I told him that he'd touched my boob and he said something like, I couldn't tell - significantly. Because there's not a lot there.
I'm proud of myself for predicting his personality. :p
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
I have the strangest set of "facts" in my head. They're pretty much based on death. Different ways to die. I've been watching Bones and it really puts into perspective the fragility of our body. Now when I think of body movements I think of the extreme body movements that break bones or rupture whatever it is, pull shoulder out of their sockets and the like. Cars or
Thursday, December 13, 2007
[20:54] k stegalicious: So.
[20:54] k stegalicious: I think we should probably cuddle.
[20:54] k stegalicious: If you're down with that.
[20:54] IAMSpartacus117: lol
[20:54] IAMSpartacus117: tell your immune system to be on guard, though.
[20:54] k stegalicious: Ahh, that's right.
[20:55] k stegalicious: Guess I won't be kissing you.
[20:55] IAMSpartacus117: It would be a risk.
[20:55] k stegalicious: I like risks.
[20:58] k stegalicious: Too bad our dating faded, lol.
[21:02] k stegalicious: I still do think about you sexually from time to time, though.
Haaaaaa. Kristen, oh Kristen. What am I going to do with you?
Can you see how her bluntness puts pressure on me? Every time. *sigh*.
Ahhh, so much pressure. I have no friends. They're all lovers.
[20:54] k stegalicious: I think we should probably cuddle.
[20:54] k stegalicious: If you're down with that.
[20:54] IAMSpartacus117: lol
[20:54] IAMSpartacus117: tell your immune system to be on guard, though.
[20:54] k stegalicious: Ahh, that's right.
[20:55] k stegalicious: Guess I won't be kissing you.
[20:55] IAMSpartacus117: It would be a risk.
[20:55] k stegalicious: I like risks.
[20:58] k stegalicious: Too bad our dating faded, lol.
[21:02] k stegalicious: I still do think about you sexually from time to time, though.
Haaaaaa. Kristen, oh Kristen. What am I going to do with you?
Can you see how her bluntness puts pressure on me? Every time. *sigh*.
Ahhh, so much pressure. I have no friends. They're all lovers.
I have totally just figured out my problem, why I can't write my book, or haven't been able to, in any case.
I think it's that I'm afraid to capture these thoughts and beliefs and feelings that ultimately make up my wisdom. I'm afraid to put them down on paper. I feel that when I do, they're incomplete. I have so many amazing things to say but if I put them in a book, I have to have a beginning and an end. They have to be complete. And the understanding, cannot fully be translated into my book.
I feel the understanding of these topics, I believe in them. And I'd like to share them with people who may believe in them as well, but once I do, I'm attempting to close the box. Not in so much a final way, but in my portrayal to the world. I'm writing the way I feel to people and I want them to understand but it seems impossible to both present it in a way that they can understand as well as complete a book for them to read in the first place.
I think I'm afraid to lose some of the wisdom in trying to make the people understand. If I try to be coherent, which I'm SO avoiding, will I lose some of the truth? I often pull up a page and write and get my thoughts out. And I like having my thoughts documented so I don't lose them. The notes are so incomplete. I always feel like I'd have to adjust so many things to make them presentable to the world.
Damn. I've lost that revelation, that feeling or understanding that I had a minute ago. I can't formulate the idea even in my head. I'm suddenly blocked.
I guess I'm meant to stop, then.
I think it's that I'm afraid to capture these thoughts and beliefs and feelings that ultimately make up my wisdom. I'm afraid to put them down on paper. I feel that when I do, they're incomplete. I have so many amazing things to say but if I put them in a book, I have to have a beginning and an end. They have to be complete. And the understanding, cannot fully be translated into my book.
I feel the understanding of these topics, I believe in them. And I'd like to share them with people who may believe in them as well, but once I do, I'm attempting to close the box. Not in so much a final way, but in my portrayal to the world. I'm writing the way I feel to people and I want them to understand but it seems impossible to both present it in a way that they can understand as well as complete a book for them to read in the first place.
I think I'm afraid to lose some of the wisdom in trying to make the people understand. If I try to be coherent, which I'm SO avoiding, will I lose some of the truth? I often pull up a page and write and get my thoughts out. And I like having my thoughts documented so I don't lose them. The notes are so incomplete. I always feel like I'd have to adjust so many things to make them presentable to the world.
Damn. I've lost that revelation, that feeling or understanding that I had a minute ago. I can't formulate the idea even in my head. I'm suddenly blocked.
I guess I'm meant to stop, then.
Aw, the other day I was talking to John about driving around and getting lost in a hypothetical "let's drive around and get lost" way. And he said, but it wouldn't be bad if I were with you. Meaning, he wouldn't mind getting lost with me for company.
And then I was telling Kristen how small my car is in warning for when I pick her up. And how two's a crowd in there. And she said, it's good I like you. Meaning, she likes being in close quarters with me.
They were both two unexpected comments. And they made me smile.
Want to know a secret? Things have never been purely platonic with Kristen and I. I have to admit, I'm less bi than she is. She'd be a better lesbian. But she's made advancements since the very beginning. And then we dated for a few months. I would say at least seven months. But she was also dating Kyle during that time so I recognized that we weren't very serious, even though I knew that she did like me.
As for the way I felt? I think I had some good times with her but I honestly think I've come to appreciate her more after our fight that essentially broke our relationship as well as our friendship. After we became friends again. I suppose in the spring of this year. That's when I think we understood each other more, bonded. Even though we haven't spent a lot of time together. I like our conversations and such. And she gives me a lot of support. I want to say flattery but it's not as flimsy as flattery. It's more or less appreciation. She values things in my personality that make me trust her. The type of things people value show a lot about what they value in themselves or what their goals are.
As for being in love? I don't know that I've been in love with any girl besides Shannon. It's mostly just lust for the femininity on my part. I think it's more than that for Kristen. Which is why I was grateful that she wasn't too serious when she had Kyle. Her advancements have always put a little pressure on me.
The reason I mention it is that we're hanging out on Saturday and I can't wait cause I honestly value our friendship. The time spent with her is warm and comforting. Even with the pressure. I never trusted Shannon, not in the least. Our relationship was cold but slightly exciting. And I didn't always like Nicole. I wanted to like her, as a friend, I know it's hard to tell when I'm talking friendship or romance. I wanted to like Nicole but I guess there were a couple irritating qualities within her that kept me at a distance. I couldn't be completely sincere in my friendship towards her. And those are the only three female friends I've really had since I moved to New York.
I suppose you could say that Maegan is another. I've only spent a small amount of time with her outside of school. And I do love her dearly as well. But because of Jay, I have terrible aversions to being with her. And even though I like her, it's almost like I can't expect us to have very much to do or talk about. So I'm not excited to hang out with her, really. Maegan has never been by but I guess she has lust for females too. Or lust for me, ha, I'm not sure I know of any other females she's been attracted to. She's just always - well, she fingered me at my New Years Eve party, need I say more?
I suppose Nicole is the only strictly platonic friend I've had in the past five years. Although Maegan and I have never had any romantic feelings for each other so that lack of emotion makes us pretty platonic.
I never talk about girls, do I? Except my family. And I'm sure I bitch about one girl or another. Shannon or Lyla or somebody horrible. All my friends have been boys, and I've either had a fling, a relationship or just a make out session with I do suppose all of them. I do get around don't I. lol.
It's just kind of intriguing. When I talk with John, I know that underlying everything we say is our attraction to each other. AHAH. I just thought of someone I didn't get involved with. Well, I've kissed James a few times but not made out. And I've been topless in his arms but I think I simply fell asleep. He's been attracted to me but not enough to want to do anything with me, even when I invited him in my bed. hmmm.. and then there's Andrew. He asked me out but I said no. And I seriously haven't kissed him or anything. And then there's Joe but I never spent any time with Joe when we weren't with Mike or somebody. We talked online a bit but that was it.
Moving back to underlying feelings though. I think I feel it more with John because I'm more attracted to guys than girls but I'm slightly amused that Kristen and I have something of the sort as well. I told her she was more mature than John and lack of maturity was a thing that kept me from falling in love with John, so she asked me if I could fall in love with her then.
And I always think that we're mere friends, as I try to suppose with boys as well. But as with boys, it almost never turns out to be that way. I would believe modest things like, it's unlikely Kristen would fall in love with me again. But you never can tell with bees. In other words, people often surprise me. It's no use trying to be modest. It's not really a matter of modesty anyway. I just neither like to expect people to fall in love with me. Sometimes I do and it doesn't happen and I feel dumb.
Funny thing is, I was thinking after Kristen and I made our date that the last time we made out was kind of hot. Kristen isn't the type of person to have sex with. She seems reluctant to be that intimate with anyone. I sort of noticed it between her and Kyle and when we were dating and we made out, she cut it short. Like I can make out for hours and hours, till all the saliva is sucked out of my mouth (just wanted to paint a sexy picture) but it was almost like she wanted the kisses but not that "getting lost in passion" way of being with someone that often happens when you're making out and etc.
So that's something to keep in mind. But it still turns me on kissing her. It's just sexy kissing girls for the mere fact that they're female. Just the knowledge of their sex is enticing and exciting. And by sex I do mean their hormones, not the sex between their legs. Cause that doesn't really interest me. I must not like my own very much, since I don't really want any more of it. I love my boobs, that's one of the reasons I love others boobs. Or perhaps I loved others boobs and then began loving my boobs. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
I have this way of never getting to the point, don't I? I always have to give such elaborate background detail so you'll fully and I do mean FULLY understand my point, right?
The original sentence that was probably ten words but was broken into about 20 paragraphs... was trying to simply portray that I had previously thought about it in a hypothetical, what if? As in, what if her and I kissed? Would that be so terrible? I think just about every single time we've been together she's made an advance of some sort, has anything changed? And although I shouldn't imagine it would go anywhere romantically, I think I would be willing to share some kisses with her, even though I'm tremendously shy.
I've been thinking the same thoughts about John. It strikes me how similar the cases are. I mean, Kristen wanted me when she had Kyle. She simply decided to make me her second girlfriend and Kyle had no choice but to comply. He's a strange duck. Kristen has underlying feelings for me that keep us from having a purely platonic friendship, just as all the others, most especially John. But Dan as well, although they aren't underlying because we both broadcast them pretty openly. John and I are dodgy about it. As I felt, after Kristen asked me if I would fall in love with her, we were.
And now I'm willing to just invite them both over and mess around a little for lusts sake, and not take it any further. The funny thing is, I'm so threatened by the entire situation with John. I'm peeved, I'm suspicious, I'm irascible. It's because I'm a chick and he's a guy. And I feel the threat of old patterns of women being played with by guys. I don't want to be a mistress. I wasn't a mistress with Kristen. It's odd because it was so close to being the exact same circumstances besides the sex of the persons. But it's somehow different.
Like I said, old patterns of women being played with by men. I don't want to be played with. I don't want any guy to believe he's had the upper hand. It's almost like, I'm afraid that I'll fall into that unfair position that men have always put women in. I'm not afraid that I can't handle myself. I don't think that John could get the upper hand on me. Depending on how you look at it, not many guys could. Sometimes what I want happens to be a situation that makes it seem like I'm at an unfair advantage. And my only problem is, as a woman, I might subject myself to that without a thought because I don't expect anything better.
I don't know. For the record, women playing games with men is just as disgusting. It's just not a cliche or repeated. It's a pattern with men. Believe me, I just took Western Civilization. 2750 B.C.E. I don't even know what the E stands for. But for at least that many years women have been dominated by men. Wow, that's a gigantic pattern. And to be fair, well, we move throughout our lifetimes as women and men. I could have been a man in a past lifetime. So it's not always personal to the soul as much as it is the role that we fall into. We're born and our hormones and our gender identity and our society provoke us to follow a pattern of behavior specific to what sex we are. And that pattern just sucks for women. It's as simply as that.
I think when I was younger I fell prey to guys. 11 or 12. And even in some aspects with Dave at 13 and possibly 14. But once I grew into my personality, unified my will and such, I became... unstoppable by the hand of men. I could never be suppressed by a guy. I'm not the least bit worried about the strength of my femininity in any situation. Sometimes I worry about my physical strength, cause that's the only upper hand any guy has on me. But I'll just have to do my best. Though, I think the strength of the personality is ten times more ferocious than a blow.
It's just interested, that I don't feel cheated by Kristen. I don't feel threatened by her. It's almost like, I don't want John or any other guy to feel the satisfaction of knowing he used me. I'm not worried about my own feelings, as much as his feelings. I don't want to allow a man to believe that he's gotten his way, that he's had the best of me, or been able to abuse me. I won't give him that pleasure or satisfaction or pathetic reliability on the weakness of women to contrast his strength and power. I don't know what motivates them to do it.
It's funny. I don't think of myself as a female. It's not really part of my identity. Perhaps because I've spent so much time learning about gender neutral parts of my psyche. I've delved into themes and beliefs and thoughts that have nothing to do with gender. Gender is more about society and the way we appear to others. The qualities that we portray are sometimes squeezed into the rules of our gender. Or perhaps I should say roles of our gender. Perhaps we play the part. I know guys do.
A woman may be fierce and strong but because of her gender, she may portray herself as delicate and recessive. She may act the part, even though without the gender, if we could experience the psyches away from the physical world, in a metaphysical realm, would we at all be able to tell the difference between men and women? I don't think so.
I suppose I can leave it on that note. I wear make up and skirts and I have long hair and I have little physical strength and a somewhat soft, high voice. But I don't associate my personality with my gender. Gender is a bit of an illusion in my book. My personality is bigger than the confines of gender. And I'm insulted, my personality, my strong will, my stubbornness and selfishness is insulted that just because of these gender roles, mens' personalities think they can get the better of me. As if.
Impossible, I say. And no amount of looking in the mirror and recognizing I'm female can change that.
And then I was telling Kristen how small my car is in warning for when I pick her up. And how two's a crowd in there. And she said, it's good I like you. Meaning, she likes being in close quarters with me.
They were both two unexpected comments. And they made me smile.
Want to know a secret? Things have never been purely platonic with Kristen and I. I have to admit, I'm less bi than she is. She'd be a better lesbian. But she's made advancements since the very beginning. And then we dated for a few months. I would say at least seven months. But she was also dating Kyle during that time so I recognized that we weren't very serious, even though I knew that she did like me.
As for the way I felt? I think I had some good times with her but I honestly think I've come to appreciate her more after our fight that essentially broke our relationship as well as our friendship. After we became friends again. I suppose in the spring of this year. That's when I think we understood each other more, bonded. Even though we haven't spent a lot of time together. I like our conversations and such. And she gives me a lot of support. I want to say flattery but it's not as flimsy as flattery. It's more or less appreciation. She values things in my personality that make me trust her. The type of things people value show a lot about what they value in themselves or what their goals are.
As for being in love? I don't know that I've been in love with any girl besides Shannon. It's mostly just lust for the femininity on my part. I think it's more than that for Kristen. Which is why I was grateful that she wasn't too serious when she had Kyle. Her advancements have always put a little pressure on me.
The reason I mention it is that we're hanging out on Saturday and I can't wait cause I honestly value our friendship. The time spent with her is warm and comforting. Even with the pressure. I never trusted Shannon, not in the least. Our relationship was cold but slightly exciting. And I didn't always like Nicole. I wanted to like her, as a friend, I know it's hard to tell when I'm talking friendship or romance. I wanted to like Nicole but I guess there were a couple irritating qualities within her that kept me at a distance. I couldn't be completely sincere in my friendship towards her. And those are the only three female friends I've really had since I moved to New York.
I suppose you could say that Maegan is another. I've only spent a small amount of time with her outside of school. And I do love her dearly as well. But because of Jay, I have terrible aversions to being with her. And even though I like her, it's almost like I can't expect us to have very much to do or talk about. So I'm not excited to hang out with her, really. Maegan has never been by but I guess she has lust for females too. Or lust for me, ha, I'm not sure I know of any other females she's been attracted to. She's just always - well, she fingered me at my New Years Eve party, need I say more?
I suppose Nicole is the only strictly platonic friend I've had in the past five years. Although Maegan and I have never had any romantic feelings for each other so that lack of emotion makes us pretty platonic.
I never talk about girls, do I? Except my family. And I'm sure I bitch about one girl or another. Shannon or Lyla or somebody horrible. All my friends have been boys, and I've either had a fling, a relationship or just a make out session with I do suppose all of them. I do get around don't I. lol.
It's just kind of intriguing. When I talk with John, I know that underlying everything we say is our attraction to each other. AHAH. I just thought of someone I didn't get involved with. Well, I've kissed James a few times but not made out. And I've been topless in his arms but I think I simply fell asleep. He's been attracted to me but not enough to want to do anything with me, even when I invited him in my bed. hmmm.. and then there's Andrew. He asked me out but I said no. And I seriously haven't kissed him or anything. And then there's Joe but I never spent any time with Joe when we weren't with Mike or somebody. We talked online a bit but that was it.
Moving back to underlying feelings though. I think I feel it more with John because I'm more attracted to guys than girls but I'm slightly amused that Kristen and I have something of the sort as well. I told her she was more mature than John and lack of maturity was a thing that kept me from falling in love with John, so she asked me if I could fall in love with her then.
And I always think that we're mere friends, as I try to suppose with boys as well. But as with boys, it almost never turns out to be that way. I would believe modest things like, it's unlikely Kristen would fall in love with me again. But you never can tell with bees. In other words, people often surprise me. It's no use trying to be modest. It's not really a matter of modesty anyway. I just neither like to expect people to fall in love with me. Sometimes I do and it doesn't happen and I feel dumb.
Funny thing is, I was thinking after Kristen and I made our date that the last time we made out was kind of hot. Kristen isn't the type of person to have sex with. She seems reluctant to be that intimate with anyone. I sort of noticed it between her and Kyle and when we were dating and we made out, she cut it short. Like I can make out for hours and hours, till all the saliva is sucked out of my mouth (just wanted to paint a sexy picture) but it was almost like she wanted the kisses but not that "getting lost in passion" way of being with someone that often happens when you're making out and etc.
So that's something to keep in mind. But it still turns me on kissing her. It's just sexy kissing girls for the mere fact that they're female. Just the knowledge of their sex is enticing and exciting. And by sex I do mean their hormones, not the sex between their legs. Cause that doesn't really interest me. I must not like my own very much, since I don't really want any more of it. I love my boobs, that's one of the reasons I love others boobs. Or perhaps I loved others boobs and then began loving my boobs. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
I have this way of never getting to the point, don't I? I always have to give such elaborate background detail so you'll fully and I do mean FULLY understand my point, right?
The original sentence that was probably ten words but was broken into about 20 paragraphs... was trying to simply portray that I had previously thought about it in a hypothetical, what if? As in, what if her and I kissed? Would that be so terrible? I think just about every single time we've been together she's made an advance of some sort, has anything changed? And although I shouldn't imagine it would go anywhere romantically, I think I would be willing to share some kisses with her, even though I'm tremendously shy.
I've been thinking the same thoughts about John. It strikes me how similar the cases are. I mean, Kristen wanted me when she had Kyle. She simply decided to make me her second girlfriend and Kyle had no choice but to comply. He's a strange duck. Kristen has underlying feelings for me that keep us from having a purely platonic friendship, just as all the others, most especially John. But Dan as well, although they aren't underlying because we both broadcast them pretty openly. John and I are dodgy about it. As I felt, after Kristen asked me if I would fall in love with her, we were.
And now I'm willing to just invite them both over and mess around a little for lusts sake, and not take it any further. The funny thing is, I'm so threatened by the entire situation with John. I'm peeved, I'm suspicious, I'm irascible. It's because I'm a chick and he's a guy. And I feel the threat of old patterns of women being played with by guys. I don't want to be a mistress. I wasn't a mistress with Kristen. It's odd because it was so close to being the exact same circumstances besides the sex of the persons. But it's somehow different.
Like I said, old patterns of women being played with by men. I don't want to be played with. I don't want any guy to believe he's had the upper hand. It's almost like, I'm afraid that I'll fall into that unfair position that men have always put women in. I'm not afraid that I can't handle myself. I don't think that John could get the upper hand on me. Depending on how you look at it, not many guys could. Sometimes what I want happens to be a situation that makes it seem like I'm at an unfair advantage. And my only problem is, as a woman, I might subject myself to that without a thought because I don't expect anything better.
I don't know. For the record, women playing games with men is just as disgusting. It's just not a cliche or repeated. It's a pattern with men. Believe me, I just took Western Civilization. 2750 B.C.E. I don't even know what the E stands for. But for at least that many years women have been dominated by men. Wow, that's a gigantic pattern. And to be fair, well, we move throughout our lifetimes as women and men. I could have been a man in a past lifetime. So it's not always personal to the soul as much as it is the role that we fall into. We're born and our hormones and our gender identity and our society provoke us to follow a pattern of behavior specific to what sex we are. And that pattern just sucks for women. It's as simply as that.
I think when I was younger I fell prey to guys. 11 or 12. And even in some aspects with Dave at 13 and possibly 14. But once I grew into my personality, unified my will and such, I became... unstoppable by the hand of men. I could never be suppressed by a guy. I'm not the least bit worried about the strength of my femininity in any situation. Sometimes I worry about my physical strength, cause that's the only upper hand any guy has on me. But I'll just have to do my best. Though, I think the strength of the personality is ten times more ferocious than a blow.
It's just interested, that I don't feel cheated by Kristen. I don't feel threatened by her. It's almost like, I don't want John or any other guy to feel the satisfaction of knowing he used me. I'm not worried about my own feelings, as much as his feelings. I don't want to allow a man to believe that he's gotten his way, that he's had the best of me, or been able to abuse me. I won't give him that pleasure or satisfaction or pathetic reliability on the weakness of women to contrast his strength and power. I don't know what motivates them to do it.
It's funny. I don't think of myself as a female. It's not really part of my identity. Perhaps because I've spent so much time learning about gender neutral parts of my psyche. I've delved into themes and beliefs and thoughts that have nothing to do with gender. Gender is more about society and the way we appear to others. The qualities that we portray are sometimes squeezed into the rules of our gender. Or perhaps I should say roles of our gender. Perhaps we play the part. I know guys do.
A woman may be fierce and strong but because of her gender, she may portray herself as delicate and recessive. She may act the part, even though without the gender, if we could experience the psyches away from the physical world, in a metaphysical realm, would we at all be able to tell the difference between men and women? I don't think so.
I suppose I can leave it on that note. I wear make up and skirts and I have long hair and I have little physical strength and a somewhat soft, high voice. But I don't associate my personality with my gender. Gender is a bit of an illusion in my book. My personality is bigger than the confines of gender. And I'm insulted, my personality, my strong will, my stubbornness and selfishness is insulted that just because of these gender roles, mens' personalities think they can get the better of me. As if.
Impossible, I say. And no amount of looking in the mirror and recognizing I'm female can change that.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
I hate having my parents around but I always feel a little unsettled as soon as they leave. I don't know exactly why. They've gone to Colombia for three weeks. I have to go to school tomorrow to write an in-class essay response to a play. And then I have a nice little exam for Forensic Science next Tuesday. And then I'm positively done. Except this unfortunate business with Figure Drawing. *sigh*. Sad stuff...
I'd say I have a month of vacation. I'm not sure what exact day classes begin again.. about this time in January. When am I going to finish my book? When am I going to dedicate time to it, I should say.. It deserves it. Last night I read my philosophy report from last semester. It was amazing. I had been bombarded with SCIENCE. Strangely, like really strange is that I'm taking a science class this semester but I don't feel that bombardment of the science mindset.
I guess I'm used to the practical science. I've grown up with it in school. But last semester, from taking psychology and philosophy, I grew to know the scientific mindset. As far as I'm concerned, getting to know your personality, solving your problems, thinking and pondering the idea of the mental - as psychology can be, has nothing to do with science. But I learned that psychologists are very structured and philosophers - western, in any case, are also very attached to scientific proof. I always thought that philosophers were nothing but words and thoughts and questions and perception. I thought that they were trying to ponder the biggest questions of the world.
Perhaps, because I've grown up in a Spiritual household, I naturally believe that those huge questions cannot be answered with science. Or less that science does not have something to do with it and more that I assumed the scope was larger than science. Spiritual questions surely have spiritual answers, right? But western philosophy really tries to drag metaphysics into a little corral. And anything that doesn't fit is ignored and anything that does fit is confined to proof and rationality - or a particular version of rationality anyway.
Anyway, the point is, I was surprised but it had a greater effect on me, because I tried to adjust. I said, well, if I want to fit in with this crowd, I have to attempt to be like them. I have to try to fit into their scheme of things. It put a lot of pressure on me, self-inflicted of course. And that's the cloud that was hanging over my head last semester. It brought me to speak in a clear, professional, rational manner. And that's what I'm impressed about. I do think it's quite worn off by now. I think I wanted to have that for my book. Not the limits of the scientific mind but perhaps just the organization. The idea of being very coherent and logical. Sometimes I get carried away in my writing and I go on lots and lots of tangents and I'm sure I'm very difficult to follow much of the time.
But I bring this up because there's hope, I'm taking another psychology class and another philosophy class with the same two teachers I had last semester. Even though it will be Eastern philosophy this time and that's definitely different. But if I can push myself to concentrate on my book, I can keep that professional, organized tone. Instead of my loose, lazy, whatever tone.
Although, I have to say that I may not have lost all of it - perhaps I just haven't put any effort into the topic with which I would use the organized thought-processes. For instance, I don't use them here, I just say what comes to mind. There need not be a structure. But even though my essays in English were about stories and the like, and were therefore not about being convincing. What was the main point last semester - being convincing. Science needs So Much Convincing. That's probably what keeps it prestige. They can't allow any old thing in their realms. Too bad, cause they miss out on a lot of wisdom just because it doesn't fit the bill.
But in any case, I was referring to the essays I'd done this semester because after an intro to one of the essays I did, my professor wrote that the readers automatically trusted my perspective after the intro. Meaning, my way of speaking showed confidence and intelligence in a way that led my audience to believe in what I was saying. Trust it. That's essentially saying exactly what I said was nice about last semester. So perhaps I haven't lost it all. But I haven't written about such innovative and astounding topics as last semester.
I'll have my first four years of college out of the way by the time I'm 20. Actually, I have no idea where I'm transferring but I might not be done until May of whatever year, which would technically mean I'd be turning 21 of that very same month. But it's still nice... if I took summer classes - which I would if only the grants would pay for it, then I would be done by the May that I turned 20.
Yes, I wonder when Isis will wake up... She's a hassle. I like to stay in my room when I babysit her but damnet she gets into everything. I have puzzle pieces all over my floor. I feel slightly frustrated at the prospect of playing with her, knowing that all the toys are probably boring her to death. They're boring me to death. I feel more satisfied teaching her the words "hot" "grandpa" "cracker" "just kidding" and all those things she's learning how to say these days. I'm really trying to teach her the word "please" but she hasn't taken to it yet.
But the point is, when I know she will wake up sooner or later, I can't sit down and do anything. I don't want to get involved in reading and watching a movie or whatnot because then she'll interrupt me. It's almost like I'd prefer to babysit her now and get it out of the way so I can be relaxed and free to do what I want. But with her naptime, it doesn't work that way. But Amelia will probably be home shortly after Isis awakes. I just have to feed her dinner. I could do it now but I have to go to the basement and it's cooooold.
I'd say I have a month of vacation. I'm not sure what exact day classes begin again.. about this time in January. When am I going to finish my book? When am I going to dedicate time to it, I should say.. It deserves it. Last night I read my philosophy report from last semester. It was amazing. I had been bombarded with SCIENCE. Strangely, like really strange is that I'm taking a science class this semester but I don't feel that bombardment of the science mindset.
I guess I'm used to the practical science. I've grown up with it in school. But last semester, from taking psychology and philosophy, I grew to know the scientific mindset. As far as I'm concerned, getting to know your personality, solving your problems, thinking and pondering the idea of the mental - as psychology can be, has nothing to do with science. But I learned that psychologists are very structured and philosophers - western, in any case, are also very attached to scientific proof. I always thought that philosophers were nothing but words and thoughts and questions and perception. I thought that they were trying to ponder the biggest questions of the world.
Perhaps, because I've grown up in a Spiritual household, I naturally believe that those huge questions cannot be answered with science. Or less that science does not have something to do with it and more that I assumed the scope was larger than science. Spiritual questions surely have spiritual answers, right? But western philosophy really tries to drag metaphysics into a little corral. And anything that doesn't fit is ignored and anything that does fit is confined to proof and rationality - or a particular version of rationality anyway.
Anyway, the point is, I was surprised but it had a greater effect on me, because I tried to adjust. I said, well, if I want to fit in with this crowd, I have to attempt to be like them. I have to try to fit into their scheme of things. It put a lot of pressure on me, self-inflicted of course. And that's the cloud that was hanging over my head last semester. It brought me to speak in a clear, professional, rational manner. And that's what I'm impressed about. I do think it's quite worn off by now. I think I wanted to have that for my book. Not the limits of the scientific mind but perhaps just the organization. The idea of being very coherent and logical. Sometimes I get carried away in my writing and I go on lots and lots of tangents and I'm sure I'm very difficult to follow much of the time.
But I bring this up because there's hope, I'm taking another psychology class and another philosophy class with the same two teachers I had last semester. Even though it will be Eastern philosophy this time and that's definitely different. But if I can push myself to concentrate on my book, I can keep that professional, organized tone. Instead of my loose, lazy, whatever tone.
Although, I have to say that I may not have lost all of it - perhaps I just haven't put any effort into the topic with which I would use the organized thought-processes. For instance, I don't use them here, I just say what comes to mind. There need not be a structure. But even though my essays in English were about stories and the like, and were therefore not about being convincing. What was the main point last semester - being convincing. Science needs So Much Convincing. That's probably what keeps it prestige. They can't allow any old thing in their realms. Too bad, cause they miss out on a lot of wisdom just because it doesn't fit the bill.
But in any case, I was referring to the essays I'd done this semester because after an intro to one of the essays I did, my professor wrote that the readers automatically trusted my perspective after the intro. Meaning, my way of speaking showed confidence and intelligence in a way that led my audience to believe in what I was saying. Trust it. That's essentially saying exactly what I said was nice about last semester. So perhaps I haven't lost it all. But I haven't written about such innovative and astounding topics as last semester.
I'll have my first four years of college out of the way by the time I'm 20. Actually, I have no idea where I'm transferring but I might not be done until May of whatever year, which would technically mean I'd be turning 21 of that very same month. But it's still nice... if I took summer classes - which I would if only the grants would pay for it, then I would be done by the May that I turned 20.
Yes, I wonder when Isis will wake up... She's a hassle. I like to stay in my room when I babysit her but damnet she gets into everything. I have puzzle pieces all over my floor. I feel slightly frustrated at the prospect of playing with her, knowing that all the toys are probably boring her to death. They're boring me to death. I feel more satisfied teaching her the words "hot" "grandpa" "cracker" "just kidding" and all those things she's learning how to say these days. I'm really trying to teach her the word "please" but she hasn't taken to it yet.
But the point is, when I know she will wake up sooner or later, I can't sit down and do anything. I don't want to get involved in reading and watching a movie or whatnot because then she'll interrupt me. It's almost like I'd prefer to babysit her now and get it out of the way so I can be relaxed and free to do what I want. But with her naptime, it doesn't work that way. But Amelia will probably be home shortly after Isis awakes. I just have to feed her dinner. I could do it now but I have to go to the basement and it's cooooold.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
