Damn cold going around.. I had to sleep in the same bed with a victim assuring that I would share in his misery by the end of the week.

I am miserable. I've been having these dreams that aren't exactly nightmares but they've been affecting me negatively. I wake up after each one and I feel so uncomfortable, in my bed, within my body, and about going back to sleep.

I had two about a puzzle. It was like the puzzle was a real life puzzle so putting the pieces together made me have the end result, so not having all the pieces finished made the experience a little funky. That's the best I can explain it. I just know that the image of the pieces being put together was fucking disturbing. I can't explain why it was disturbing. It was just the repetition of the puzzle playing over in my head and I didn't want to be doing the puzzle. I mean this is after I woke up, I could still feel myself doing the puzzle and it was just bothersome.

I remember most of my dreams but I don't really Want to remember them. I just don't feel good after I wake up from them. And this has been lately, when I wasn't necessarily sick. I didn't start really feeling the sickness until late last night. Coincidentally I was finishing a puzzle.

Before James slept over last week I sort of believed that both of us were largely attracted to each other and yet way too shy to make a move or profess anything. I didn't assume that he had feelings for me and I've not admitted to having feelings for him, either. But it's almost like, it didn't occur to me that we would be friends for any other reason than that we were sexually attracted to each other.

So he slept over and we didn't cuddle. And it seemed natural for us to cuddle because that's what two people who are sexually attracted to each other and sleep in the same bed do. Even if they don't romantically like each other, they often still play on their attraction. I guess because I often see friends who seemingly have no physical attraction to each other and that's why they don't make a move. But perhaps they do have an attraction to each other but because of lack of romance, they don't make a move. This really didn't occur to me until moments ago.

Because I'm a female and to be honest, we fall in love like it ain't no thing and then we dramatize it to be a huge deal, and it scares guys. But honestly, it's a lie. We want that intense love naturally, for some reason, and that's why we fake it. A lot. Guys don't value it as much, so they don't fake it as much. And that's why we often scare guys away because we so readily admit to love when they don't feel it. But really, we're just telling ourselves what to believe. That's my honest generalization of women.

So my point is, sex and romance are tied together with women because as soon as it seems that we're sexually attracted to someone we jump at the opportunity to believe ourselves to be in love. So when I'm hot for a guy the first thing I think of is what it would be like for him to be my boyfriend. It doesn't mean that I am so much more madly in love with James than he is with me. It just means that I make the conclusion that James wouldn't because he would stay in the realm of pure sex, without romance. Do you see what I mean?

In any case, this is all relevant. Because perhaps he is sexually attracted to me but readily accepts that he's not going to get with me and simply wouldn't try unless he was interested in me romantically. I think that he might feel that to hit on me, to cuddle with me, would be to send me the wrong signal. And this is honestly just a theory that I can't prove or disprove unless I ask him, which I probably won't cause I'm shy.

So after he slept over and didn't cuddle with me, I asked him why he didn't cuddle with me and he didn't answer, which led me to get the feeling that he, honestly, doesn't feel the way I do, so aware of our sexual tension. That's simply it. I always assumed that there was shitload of sexual tension between us and that it was only our shyness that kept either of us from acting on it. But perhaps James doesn't see us that way. Perhaps he sees me as an attractive woman but recognizes his distance from me.

This proves another difference between men and women. Women often stay loyal to men. While men often check out women around them freely, even when they have a wife or a girlfriend. And this is because, men recognize their boundaries. They can see a beautiful woman but recognize that she isn't his to touch and hopefully he recognizes that his wife is his and he prefers it that way. But he can still identify yummy curves and sexy cleavage, no? But when women see something they want they make it their goal a lot quicker. They set their sights on it and they wish it to be theirs. Gimme attitude. So when they have a boyfriend, they hardly open their eyes up to other guys because that would be overstepping their boundaries. Because their boundaries are simply defined differently. Although I'm trying to allude to a trait by giving examples of tendencies that women have. A lot of women would still check out other guys, but this is my way of contrasting the existence of this trait, so bare with me.

Is this making sense? It's making perfect sense to me but I'm not sure that I'm explaining it fully. I was talking about something in Sociology yesterday, I mentioned it earlier but didn't explain it. In any case, I just realized that this completely relates to the topic, they intertwine and shed light on each other, but I'm too bored to go into detail at this moment, so you're not getting the full extent of my perception on the topic.

I guess I assumed that James and I were more likely to have sex than he was with anybody else besides Liz. But perhaps he doesn't feel that way. Perhaps he sees me as just another woman that he finds attractive but he'll never have sex with. And I just didn't see him like that. He's not a stranger to me that I find hot but I know I'm never going to hook up with. He's like at my disposal, I'm just too shy to make a move.

So that's what I think about when we hang out. I'm aware of the sexual tension. I feel like if we were both drunk, we'd end up having sex because it's merely our inhibitions that have kept it from happening this far. But maybe he doesn't assume that. He might not think that I want him and that's solely why he doesn't assume we could hook up if someone were willing to make a move but whatever the reason, I get the feeling that I'm off limits to him, much the way an ordinary friend would be. Even if he does want to see me naked.

And hanging out with him and everybody else on Sunday really brought that forth because Accalia was there and he has a bit of a crush on her and I know it but she doesn't so even though she was there she didn't notice when we would allude to his crush. But we would, we exchanged knowing looks and things of that nature. If I were the object of his desire, I would be Accalia. But I'm the friend that he can talk to about his object of desire. So even though I know he would still have sex with me at the drop of a hat, my friend role was brought out.

I assumed all along that us making out was an inevitable conclusion to our hanging out. It was only a matter of time before it happened. But perhaps our platonic (it took me like ten minutes to recall that word, I finally found it on wikipedia) friendship is not a prerequisite for a passionate love affair. ,) Maybe it will always be what it is today, a platonic relationships, ignorant of our sexual attraction to each other. I guess it's just that we've been building a friendship in a way that we haven't ever before. So I knew that we were creating something, thus, it would grow. I just didn't think it would grow in a way that would not inevitably become sex. Ha.

But both of us have had to confront that issue because James was dating Liz for a couple weeks and I was going to date John for a couple weeks. And I'm sure we both had to acknowledge that our friendship had to stay platonic while we were with someone else. But as soon as John was out of the way, I was back to lusting after James and I can only wonder if he had to make the same change with Liz and without Liz as I did with and without John.

So the entire point of all these paragraphs was to explain how very different I see him and I in this hour. I think about him sleeping over again and how asking him to cuddle with me would be so weird. Because the sexual tension sort of told me that we both wanted it but wouldn't ask for it. And now I feel like he doesn't think about it or want and I guess we're just simply friends. We recognize each other's sexual appeal but we're off limits to each other. So the idea of us cuddling is just strange. It doesn't feel right. And whether my opinion will change back soon or not isn't the point. I don't illustrate my feelings to tell you how I will feel tomorrow. I just find my feelings intriguing, especially when contrasted with my prior feelings. I like to identify when changes occur. They let me better enlighten myself on what I'm really like. Without the contrasts I wouldn't be able to understand myself very well. Big defines small and vice versa.

My brother always uses the term "it occurred to me" and I love it. Because instead of explaining what he believes or what he's like, since those are such absolute and limited ways of explaining things... he says that at one point in his life something struck him. And whether he disagreed later or it changed or whatever, it still, at one point occurred to him...

And that's how I write. I never write with absolutes. I find comfort in writing what occurs to me, what strikes me, what thoughts stand out in my head. And I sometimes feel apprehensive that someone will assume something concrete about it. Like that it's how I am, or how I represent myself or what I believe to be the truth. But regardless of the truth to what I say, I like to put down what occurs to me. No matter what it can later be defined as...

I want to be alone!!!!!!

I'm at school... and I have books that I'm eager to read. And it's like, no matter where I go there's someone talking or joking or laughing or singing or something. I just want SILENCE. I want to concentrate. I want to lose myself in my books, I want to have all the ability to concentrate that I need to have to understand Jane Austen's way of explaining things. It's from a different time, man, people don't talk like that anymore.

Lately, I've been giving off a humble impression. Like today I told my teacher that I didn't know half the words that we'd pulled out of a short story. And in sociology I was explaining how women identify themselves through relationships, such as boyfriends. And I wanted to say that I was speaking objectively of women, not subjectively. If I define myself through relationships, and I've had so few friends and so few lovers in the past two years, then, well, I haven't had much self-worth have I? But I have. I was speaking generally. The general tendency of a female... which nobody could learn.

And the other day when I told Roger and Ashley that I dropped out... to come to college early.

I keep wanting to tell people that I skipped a grade. I want people to know that I'm a writer, that I'm an intellectual. That I havn't needed a boyfriend or a best friend in relatively two years.

I think it's this French thing. I don't want to get into it but suffice it to say that I took a test, I got a B, and I hate getting Bs in college. I'm fucking frustrated with the test. And I pay attention, do my homework, and study, so even though I could have prepared myself a little better, what frustrated me was that the test was sort of an unfair judge of skill. There were things we hadn't learned on there and things we couldn't have anticipated. It wouldn't have been impossible to succeed, I just would have had to put in more effort than I did. Which I certainly will next time cause I'm not getting another B!

In any case, I felt frustrated and failed. Not failed the way you'd think but failed in perfection. Obviously a B is not a bad grade. It's an average good grade though and I don't like to be average. Pride is my middle name. It's weird I say that. But lately I've been coming to terms with my pride. Hopefully, this will lead me to rid myself of pride but to do this I have to acknolwedge its existence. And it does exist. I have a lot of pride. And I pride myself on my extraordinary intellect. There are those type of people who do well in school because of hard work. And I'm not one of those people. I don't succeed because of hard work. I succeed because of my adeptness to intellectual topics.

True, I can spend hours doing homework, these days. I honestly think that puzzles have given me some patience for time. I'm better able to take things slowly. Although it doesn't help the urgency in my driving, I get that from my mom, obviously. Fucking slow Athens to Catskill drivers, I hate you...

In any case, the point is, I do not feel, in the least bit, that I am giving people the idea that I'm a failure. However, I feel like I'm giving them a humble version of my achievements. I want to add in, to everything I've said lately, my reputation. I want people to know that I skipped a grade, that I have a good-sized vocabulary and that I love to use it in my writing. I want people to know that dropping out of school was not evidence of a failure but proof that with two years less schooling than an average high school graduate, and at age 16, I went to college and battled topics far beyond a 16 year old's level of relevance.

And it's pride. The reputation I probably have with people I've recently met simply isn't good enough. And to look at it objectively, I probably have a pretty good reputation, if anybody cares to take notice of it, not that everybody would.

I think it's just this French thing that really got me down. Almost like, my record no longer speaks for itself, I now have to speak for myself. Even though nobody even sees my test results, it's not my vanity that's helped, it's my confidence. I don't need validation from others, that's not how my vanity works. I don't need, although I sometimes enjoy, having someone confirm my.. talents, if you will. I just need the fuel for my confidence. I need to know that if anyone so chooses, they will see that I'm this or that, which have positive and enviable positions.

It's like, I don't need someone to tell me I'm pretty, I just need to know that if anybody looks at me, they won't be able to think me ugly. But it's based on my own standards. Which seems unvain, but I find I'm still vain, even if I don't value the standards of the people judging me. As long as I can satisfy myself, it does satisfy me. Even if someone disagrees.

In any case, I walk around with the confidence in my intellectual ability. No one looking at me knows my intellectual ability unless they have previously learned of it. But I walk around with the pride of having these abilities. It doesn't always matter if they're known, it simply lets me walk around with my head high. Because I know that if anyone tried to find out, they would find out good things. I have no shame.

This has defintely been exposed as a bigger deal than I consciously allowed it to be. It's not really ailing me, that people don't know my reputation. I was simply trying to explain those silent impulses in my head that are reminding me that I am putting myself in a humble position with those around me. And my ego would much prefer if I was boldly smart. I don't even need to brag, I just need to speak out truthfully about myself.

But it is bragging in cognito. I think bragging is defined by the relevance of its being brought up. Which is why I haven't yet told anyone that I skipped a grade. When people ask when I graduated I'll say that I didn't. And when people ask me how old I am, I simply say 17, and nothing else. It's just I've also said things that have given me a humbleish reputation. Like that thing about not knowing half the words. I wanted to tell her that I didn't just know half the words because I'm an average teen who doesn't pay attention to vocabulary and could care less what "tepid" means... which I just looked up because it's the only word I can remember from earlier today... And next time I read a story with that word I'll know what it means. See, that's what I wanted her to know. I wanted her to know that I didn't know the vocab and yet, I'm the type TO know vocab. I'm the type who loves to learn knew words and is eager to pay attention to writing and language.

We had read a story the first week of class, when my teacher was out because she was having surgery on her ankle. So we discussed the story with the dean of admissions. And the next class we had a really "ugly" story. A story that had a good purpose, I learned that class period, but was, initially, a boring and twisted story. So when our real teacher went around the class asking us what we thought, I told her that I didn't like the story, I thought it was twisted and pointless, but that I did actually like Young Goodman Brown. Because I wanted to show her that I wasn't the type of teenager who is generally just bored and disagreeable about books and stories. I do value books and stories. And since Young Goodman Brown was apparently known to be a disagreeable story, or a story that many don't enjoy because it's hard to understand and whatever.... I was proving that I can even respect a generally unlikeable story. And it wasn't a lie.

And for the record, she had asked the very first student if she liked Young Goodman Brown, so that's why I volunteered the information, knowing she was interested. :) See, relevant information, thus, not exactly bragging. Even though if I were to brag it probably wouldn't be as small as merely enjoying a story, eh?

Anyway, I guess I'm done. I was just buying time since I was getting really annoyed that my mind kept being drawn away from my story with the sound of all these strangers with meaningless (to me) lives. I just didn't give a rats ass about anything they had to say and yet, even when I didn't listen to them, I simply couldn't tune them out. Their words brought them to my attention and took away my ability to comprehend what my eyes were scanning over on the pages. And I tried to think of all the places around campus but, except for ths student lounge because that's rarely used by students, I really couldn't imagine a place for me to read. Ooh. I could also go to the study lounge. It's a tiny little place with bare walls and a table. Nobody goes in there! Perfect. Next time...

I'm funny... I'm doing this checklist in my head, to make sure I have everything I could possibly need. I've taken my pills, I've got chapstick, pens, the papers for my classes, the books for my classes, sudoku, Pride & Prejudice, hair ties, sweater etc etc etc.

So I conclude that I have everything I could possibly need and I get my backpack on my shoulder and pick up my books and start for the kitchen to get my gatorade... and then it occurs to me that I'm barefoot.

Funny that I remembered every single thing except my socks and shoes.

Well, I have an hour to kill... I have a test to study for but it's really easy studying. It's French. So instead of information, I've merely memorized some phrases and food and drinks and etc. I didn't realize how simple it woud be until I reviewed everything, which took five minutes, without breaking a sweat. So anyway, I usually read Pride & Prejudice at this point. But I forgot it... you see. And it wouldn't matter if I had more to study, but I don't. And I'm not really hungry either. So here I am rambling.

So anyway.. I don't know what to talk about because truly there are so many choices to choose from. I haven't really been detailing anything. Everything just feels squishy and messy... I don't know how to explain it. It just doesn't feel good the way it used to. But damn you, I have a whole hour so...

Well, my car broke down. Don't know why, at this point. I drove the saturn to school today. First time driving standard alone. It's not too bad. Bothersome, if anything. It feels all wrong though. The position of the seat is low. The stearing wheel is all over the place because since I don't seem to have power steering in my car, the steering wheel mostly stays in place, unless you, with definite force, turn it. I'm used to my car, so the car swerved more than I'd like it to, merely because I didn't hold the steering wheel steady AND I leaned on it. My car's steering wheel would stay straight.

So apparently I'm used to my car... It died on the way to the library. It had seemed a little iffy a couple times earlier that week but it hadn't officially shut off in the middle of my damn driving until I went to the library. But as soon as I put it in park and turned it back on I was good to go. Truth be told, I still have back up vehicles, so I'm a little sad that my car has problems, but not exactly worried. The only reason I bought the car was because I hate standard, my parents won't let me use the company van, and the green van has that ezpass issue.

Isis is really sweet. Her mimicking never gets old. Lately she's been holding the phone up to her ear and making "hewo" and "hi" sounds. And some other stuff. I don't think she realizes that the reason we put it there is because it's near our ear and then we can listen to the person on the other line. If you get on the phone and talk to her she doesn't really listen to your voice or respond. But she keeps lifting the phone up to her ear and sometimes her shoulder and talking. She even did it with my remote control this morning. I guess it kind of looks like a phone.

So, that really hot guy, named Mike, from my Sociology class is here in the lab right now. Mm. But something I honestly have to remember is that, initially, I can be impressed with someone's looks. But what sustains it is their personality. A guy has to have a hot personality. Something that intrigues me, attracts me. Otherwise, their looks get old, really quickly. There was a guy in Spencers yesterday who was soo yummy. He had a tattoo of a four leaf clover behind his ear, near the top. Weird place to put it, but I love clovers. There's another guy in my English class who has a celtic cross tattoo. It's beautiful. It's like maybe three or four inches long, on the inside of his arm. But it has so much beautiful green in it. I want to get a closer look. Tattoos don't generally impress me. But green stuff does, honestly.

Mike is with a girl who was just in my Western Civilizations class. She glared. I saw her glare at Roger a couple times and then someone else. She stands out because she has a mean look on her face. It's one thing to stare. It's another thing to glare. I'm not sure if that's just the way her face is or if she actually was thinking mean things at the time.

It's a small world.

Yesterday I hung out with Tony Sullivan's little sister. He is Jesse's best friend. Jesse is Amelia's semi boyfriend. Semi, because he's away in the navy. But they talk on the phone a lot. Tony used to call me Avril. First name basis. Class clown. All of his attention towards me was mocking, though. Although attention is pretty much always flattering to me.

Her name is Accalia. Lovely name. James has the hots for her. She's actually not bad. Usually, I either have to like someone, so I'm not threatened by them. Or I have to put them down, so I'm not threatened by them. It's hard to explain. It's just the ugly feeling I get when I've been around most people I know. Girls, particularly. I guess what it was is that the last couple years, when I've gone out with friends, it's been with Kristen, Kyle, Lindstrom, Maegan and Shannon. So I've had a lot of emotions swimming around and it's almost like my perception of myself is distorted during these times, because I'm trying to impress someone and I hate it, and I feel like I'm coming off too boring or showing off too much. In short.

But this time I was with Andrew, James, Accalia and umm Yohannes (German exchange student). Maybe James just puts me at ease. I adore being around him. Don't know what it is about him that relaxes me and pleases me but it's been constant pretty much ever since I've known him. He slept over the night before last. And in the morning he planned to go to Dennys with Andrew and whoever else was coming and I was talking to Andrew on aim about it and I hinted that they were mean to go have fun and leave me behind so he asked me if I wanted to come. People never invite me places. Like I'm not the party girl. Or the girl to ask out to dinner. Or the girl to ask out to the movies. I don't understand.. but whatever.

In any case. Accalia is strangely not threatening. You would think she would be since James likes her but James doesn't instill those types of feelings inside me. It's like I have little to prove, little to be ashamed of, and little to compete for around him. Even when he makes fun of me, I don't feel threatened or defensive. I rarely get mad, when I'm around him. I get mad at him online all the time. Cause he ignores me to play World of Worcraft. Damn game. In any case, I didn't bond with her, but I didn't feel any conflict between us, either. I didn't feel like she was threatened by me. I didn't feel like I was competing with her. I didn't feel like she was better than me, either. It was strange.

James likes to drive everywhere. No distance is too far. We drove to Athens to pick Accalia up. Then all the way to who knows where, past Albany and Rensaleer just to go to Dennys. Then back to Crossgates in Albany. Then all the way through Coxsackie to go to Catskill. Crazy kid. But whatever floats his boat. I think it's just something about having a car, having the freedom to make those decisions that gets to people like him. Last year, James drove to Coxsackie from Hoosick every once in a while but he had to wait until his mom could sacrifice the van and she uses him for babysitting A LOT. Me and his little sister got along fabulosly. :) He should invite me to sleep over. Which he has.. but he waits until he's there to mention it so it would be up to me to find my way to his house. It's nearly a two hour drive.

My point is. I wonder all the time why James and I are such good friends this year and we weren't last year. I can't tell what it is. I can't tell if it's him, if his views have changed, if his views about me have changed, if I've changed, or if the circumstances have changed. Who knows why things are different. But they are. And one of the things that stood in the way was that he lived in Hoosick. But maybe when he has his car, he'll be better able to drive to Coxsackie when he wants. Or vice versa, if I wanted to hang out with him. We've just hung out so much in the past couple months.

I kept telling myself, this past week, that if James intended to sleep over that I would tell him that he had to spoon with me. Because the last time when I couldn't sleep. It's like, when someone invades your space, your bubble, but gives you comfort - since intimacy is generally comfortable and sexy... it's alright that they invaded your space. But when you're that near someone, who is invading your space, but you can't hit home run, you know, you can't go all the way... you're almost in an awkward, in between, place. Like you're on the verge of that amazing comfort that comes with intimacy but you're not there.

I wasn't intending to propose that we made out or anything else. I just wanted us to cuddle. It seems realistic. Almost like nothing else exists, sex or romance. Just cuddling, devoid of either... all on its own. I don't know why. When I really think about it, cuddling is all about sex and romance. But whatever. I didn't think it was necessary with James. It seemed almost practical to just cuddle with him. But, alas, when the time came, I knew I couldn't do it. Could Not breech our silence on the subject. Deathly afraid. I'm trying to work on the overload of fears I've been getting lately. So that's another story.

In any case, I slept between the wall and James and it was sooo comfy. My pillows were positioned so that my torso and head were actually lying on top of one of the pillows and a second pillow was giving my head some lift. It was sooo comfy. I wouldn't normally sleep like that if James wasn't there, you know, I wouldn't purposely squish myself. But I loved it. Although I had a lot of weird dreams and one of them, wasn't exactly about James, but it was about spooning. Like my thoughts on spooning were invading my dreams because I really, really, really wanted to be doing it. Like I can't stand being that close and not doing it. And since the last time he slept next to me I also had that dream about kissing him, well, I'm just thinking it's impossible to sleep next to him as if I'm sleeping alone.

So the next morning, hahaha, I sent him a text message. Well, he was sitting right across from me but I sent myself a text on his phone and then I sent one back to him from my phone. He didn't answer. So then I started talking to Andrew on aim about it. And James knew we were talking about him and probably knew what the topic was and he wanted to know but I wouldn't let him read it. Andrew was giving me advice on the subject... although none of it helped. In any case, I think I made the topic clear. Even though, if there is a next time, I'll still be deathly afraid to mention it, at least James will know that it's what I'm thinking about and maybe that will help me. James and I have cuddled before, I don't get what the big deal is damnet. It's just so necessary...

My French class is coming up. Hopefully I will do fabulous on the tests because it prides me. I've taken a couple quizzes so far and it's a tiny itty bitty ego stroke when I'm the first person done and when it comes back with a nearly perfect score, etc. I got 100% on the Sociology quiz I took. I get my Forensic Science quiz and test results tomorrow, hopefully. And then I take the French in a half an hour. I love it. Good times. I was born to succeed in academia.

But I just couldn't make myself do it in high school. I am so, so, so glad that I did not fail a grade though. But, generally, at least in NYS, you don't fail grades, you fail classes. Like I had to repeat Biology and French 2 because I failed the course. But I was still in the original grade. To drop a grade you really have to fail a particular number of classes, or fail before high school. I'm just glad that I can still mention my skipping a grade with pride. Although I don't generally brag about it or mention it at all, it exists on my record and that's enough to make me hold my head up high, even if nobody knows why.

I tend to be very vain and yet very defiant. Like I care how I appear to others, but I don't care what they think of me. Because when my real flaws are exposed, things that I personally dislike about myself.. I'm, generally, ashamed when others also realize it. However, when it comes to a difference of opinions, I don't really care what anybody thinks of me. As long as I'm satisfied, so be it. I don't feel pressure to conform to other's likes and wants. I could care less. But if I have a huge red zit between my eyebrows, speak of the devil, I actually have one now. Ha. ha. ha. No worried, I covered it up with make up.... but when I have something like this, I get very insecure in public, because I don't want anybody else to see. :(

I love Pride & Prejudice. Have you ever read a fiction novel that has background information or details about the setting and you're like GET ON WITH IT. A writer has to decide what is relevant and interesting to a story. And often, I could care less about most of it. I ignore it. I read it but I don't process it. But with Pride & Prejudice, the background is always gossip-like. It's background information about the previous interaction at hand or some analyzation of one of the characters.

It's difficult to put in words but it's almost like, if I could choose what I wanted to know about these characters, more like, if I were there, the things that I would surmise, that would make my thought processes happy, are the things that she writes about. Even when I have to slowly read the paragraph to make sure I understand who has done what or said what, I love to. I don't want to miss any of it. She has this way of summing up all the good things. Summing up what exactly that interaction meant. And maybe all fiction writers do this, but less so. Her summaries just speak to me, honestly.

I honestly think it's her lack of setting. Nearly all of it is conversation. One conversation after another. And a couple paragraphs in between to set the character's thoughts in motion, but even then, it's almost like we get the character's opinions on the other people or the conversations. Maybe that's it. Most people seem to like the shallowest levels of life. For instance, a mere conversation. But my favorite thing to do is talk about what I've experienced. I like to share my opinions and experiences ON the experience. I like to say what it means to me, what I've figured out about the situation. I like to judge and detail the people who I interacted with. That's just the way my mind works. And it's seemingly the way Jane Austen's mind worked as well. So I'm enthralled with the book. I can keep going.

Plus, I mean, Elizabeth? Yeah, that's totally me. The spirit of me, at least. The untraditional, defiant, self-respected, strong spirit. She probably has more guts than me, I'm such a chicken, plus, her time had many more restrictions than mine does. But I agree with the moves she makes. I salute her, if you will. And I relate to her. AND, I relate to Darcy. I don't know what it is but pride intrigues me. It's crazy because I fight ego with all that I can. And yet, pride still survives in me and when I see it in others it kind of makes me smile. I do hope, in my lifetime, I will overcome my pride... be sure of that. But I like Darcy for his pride. I like Elizabeth for her strong defiance and him for his pride.

I think what intrigues me is that he loves her regardless of his pride. Maybe that's it. I like when emotions seem natural. Even though I don't believe they are, logically... I like the idea of despising someone only to find out how attracted you are to them. It isn't likely to happen to me. If it did, it would be with Shannon's boyfriend, Stogner, but I am positive that that wouldn't happen. We just have the kind of interaction that would be hate, prone to love. However, I have better control over my emotions than that. If I hated, I would hate. I wouldn't feel hate and mean love.... it's too bad. But I relate to Darcy and I think he's adorable for it. So the two favorite characters have such interaction. Man, I love it.

So I do dream about other people besides James. Yesterday morning I had a dream about Jeremiah... Long story short, he was at my house and he told me that he had liked me since last semester. And I told him I liked him too and asked why he hadn't informed me earlier. He said he didn't get the feeling that I liked him. Which is no surprise.

So then we kissed.. It was kind of a weird kiss. I could feel his mouth but not his lips. So it was like I was sinking into oblivion. I always have really weird kisses in my dreams, I'm sure that symbolizes something. Things didn't feel as "right" as they did with John. My body against John's body felt, like, in sync. It just felt right, as did kissing him. It wasn't like that with Jeremiah. But I think we were still gonna date and we did a little cuddling. I think I woke up in the middle of the cuddling.

The other day I saw him, but I was on my way to class and he was talking to someone so I just chimed in, Hey Jeremiah and kept walking. And he sort of turned to face me when he said hi, almost like he would have talked to me if I'd stopped but I was in a hurry anyway. And I hoped it wouldn't be the only time I'd see him but it has been so far. Amelia told me when I got home that she'd also seen him and they'd talked a little about how she was in the tech hall because that's where her massage therapy classes are and blah blah.

And that's just how it is. I always ignore the cute guys that I secretly want to talk with and she's always willing to smile at them and make conversation and ask them questions.

For me, it's shyness that keeps me from making conversation with strangers and it's also power games. And it's also shyness. For instance, the other day Amelia and I were walking to the parking lot together. We had separate cars but I was just going to drop something off in mine then join her. So we were walking and I pointed out that the guy in front of us was really hot, and then we split off. And he seemed to have turned on his alarm with his keys, which he quickly turned off. But he sort of said something to Amelia, like smiled at her or said it was an accident or something, I'm not sure what he said cause I was past them.

But I was like grrrr... as soon as I step off they exchange words! And it's just such an obvious reminder of the fact that I don't make eye contact with people cause I'm shy, so I'm kind of cold and distant and when people are deciding if they're going to make any kind of contact with a stranger, some of them who are probably on the edge about it, wouldn't say something to me, who sends out horrible signals, as apposed to Amelia who smiles and laughs and gets really quickly interested in other people's lives. Yeah, I'm the snob who acts like she's got better things to do than find out where someone works or some such thing. Even though, it's not always true.

But actually, the other day at school I was feeling so sad and lonely. Because it's one thing to not have strangers talk to you but I saw like 20 people from my high school. I swear, at least 20. Usually I see maybe five. And despite the fact that I pretty much knew every single one of them, I couldn't say hi to a single one of them. And it just made me feel so sad. Not only because they weren't talking to me but because they were talking to each other. Nearly every one of them was paired off with someone else from C-A.

So on my way to class I smiled at one cute guy, who smiled back, and I made noticible and pretty much steady eye contact with another cute guy, who made noticible and pretty much steady eye contact with me as well. That really made me feel better.

And I realized that the problem was not that I was lonely. I don't often get lonely. I don't mind being alone and people are more of a hassle than a pleasantry. But I don't like to be ignored. My ego, my pride do not like feeling insignificant. I like to be noticed. I like to be appraised. I like to be in a room and realize that everybody is aware that I'm there, but that I don't say anything to anyone. It's sort of like, I want to be seen and sometimes heard, in general, but I don't want to waste my time on any of them. I don't know if that quite explained it.

That was my problem with Jeremiah. I didn't want to give him attention, so I didn't talk to him. But I wanted him to notice me and to hear my answers when responding to the teacher and etc. And he did notice me but he didn't seem to be interested in me, which I largely contribute to the fact that I neither seemed interested in him. Not to say that he would have been in love with me had I shown some interest, but he's a friendly, conversational guy. And he would have given me some attention if I'd been responsive. But I wasn't.

It's kind of a queenly consciousness. I want to be the center of attention, but I want to be stared at, not stare at people. I want everybody's eyes on me but I don't want it to be a two-way street. I'm too good to give anybody else attention.

It makes me sound a touch horrible but that is, honestly, my mindset. So all the people from C-A acted like I didn't exist. And I'm actually trying to make friends this semester so I'm a little sensitive when I want people to make conversation with me and I get nothing. Not that I particularly feel like I'm missing out on their friendship, except Chet's, cause he's awesome. But they are an easy target. We already know each other, we already have something in common, easy conversation... etc. And if I can't even make friends with those dopes, who can I make friends with?

So I did feel lonely. But it wasn't that important to me, thus, it was easily remedied by cute guys giving me some attention. I usually don't smile or make eye contact with cute guys. Like I said before, I'm too shy and I prefer to be noticed, than to notice. But I had nothing to lose so.. And I don't even remember the first guy, the second guy has an ethnicity that stands out so I could pick him out of a crowd.

Anyway, I'm sitting here rather naked so I may as well go get dressed and eat and clean my room and kill the phone cause the sound is making me have a headache. Yeah, that thing should leave my room for the weekend. My parents are gone until Monday so nobody is answering the phone, since we know it's for them. Amelia pisses me off. I want to scream at her for a few things... like walking down the hall with those fucking heavy stomping feet. I HATE IT.

UGH

C'mon! Every where I look there's one friend or another having a baby or getting married. It's nuts. And I think it particularly bothers me because I'm jealous of... it's hard to explain what I'm jealous of. I don't like it when people have better lives than I do. Like if someone I'm competing with meets a celebrity or goes to Europe or something. I hate it. I'm fiercely competitive and with nearly every one. I like to have an imagine that people can be jealous of. So it goes without saying that the things I hope people are jealous of in myself are what I'm jealous of in other people.

Except, I'm not ready to have a baby or get married. I don't want to have a baby right now and I'm not even a little bit close to getting married. And I don't want to have a foolish life. Not all young marriages and young pregnancies are foolish but I'm definitely not ready to be fully independent and taking care of a baby would force that. AND I don't want to get married to someone quickly. And since I have absolutely nobody in mind... I can't even imagine trusting and depending on someone enough to marry them. I have nobody reliably in love with me. That isn't a pity statement. It's just true. I've never had someone that I can count on. I don't know what it's like to have a marriage partner. The point is, I'm so far from getting married because I haven't even met anyone yet.

But these other people are jumping at the chance to get married and have babies. And I'm jealous, I suppose. But scared, because by saying I'm jealous I'm saying I'd rather it be me pregnant or married. And yet I know that's not what I want. So I get really anxious every time I hear about someone getting married or pregnant, someone my age, people who I've gone to school with. At last that's what I think it is.

Brooke is both married and pregnant. I've known her since she was... 9? or maybe 8. That's what brought up my feelings, again.


I keep neglecting my plant. :(

Alright, my irritation has dissipated. Good riddance. I don't know why it didn't occur to me to browse to make sure it was downloading the history into the right folder. I think it occurred to me once before when I was trying to figure this out but I just looked right over it like it was invisible today.

In any case, it didn't seem to be set on the wrong folder but I specifically set it to the particular subfolder... and it didn't work. but then I tried setting it to the desktop and it automatically put a folder named aim and then a folder inside named query and then it automatically had notepad with IAMSpartacus on it, because I was practicing by IMing myself to see if it would work. I'm saying it works because, as soon as you open a window with someone it automatically saves a notepad sheet with the name of the person you're conversing with on it.

My point is, it doesn't seem to work for the folders that are inside the Trillian folder in Program files on my C drive...... but it does work for the desktop, which is fine with me. So I think it's fixed. :)

Well I was in a good mood but Trillian isn't saving my logs automatically and it's pissing me off because I don't fucking know why. A couple of the logs were saved, but then the rest of the days of conversations with that person will be missing. Some of the people have zero logs. And it says this obnoxious thing about making a new log but nothing happens. I've never had to specifically set this up so I don't see what the fuck is wrong!!!!!! But I've already looked into like three or four logs for stuff that was supposed to be saved. Like my brother sent me a link and I closed the window because I expected it to save in the log but it hadn't. Kristen gave me her number but that hadn't saved so I had to ask for it again. Etc. It's fucking annoying. Driving me nuts because I don't know how to fix it!

Yeah, so when I went back to sleep, which I hardly did, I was pretty much in bed but awake all morning, but I dozed off for enough time to have another dream about James. I don't know why.. This time we were kind of just hanging out the way we do at my house, but we were in a car. Someone else was driving and we were in a city that isn't familiar to me. And we were really close. Like both of us were in the backseat, in roughly one person's space, if you get what I mean. We didn't kiss but I did lick his neck and that's intimate enough to be a kiss, for me anyway..

Is it just me or is this the third dream I've had about kissing James? I had other dreams too but they're weird so I don't want to try explaining them.

In my dream I was talking to James and he said something about getting five hours of sleep. So at five o clock, he showed up at my house. I was still sleeping and my whole body was under the blanket, including my head... sometimes I do that. And I guess he got on top of me and woke me up. And I asked him how he'd gotten in, apparently my door was unlocked. Which rarely happens. So then I kissed him through the blanket. Kind of a weird thing to do but whatever. And then I think I kissed him without the blanket and it was an offkey kiss. They always seem to be in my dreams... But it's alright. Kisses can get better.

And then I can't remember what happened. Maybe I got up to go shower.

Wooo I love these foggy mornings. So thick, so mysterious, so beautiful. They're even lasting well into 8 or 9 AM. Usually they disappear by that time but they're really strong. I've seen quite a few of them. There are two spots around town, one with these amazing tree behind someone's house in Coxsackie and in Athens there is a sort of peninsula type piece of land. It's tiny, right behind someone's house, and it looks about the same size as a small dock. It's obviously right on the river and I don't want to photograph from the peninsula, I kind of want to photograph The peninsula, so I'm not sure if I would prefer to be on the water or just on land a tiny distance away...

But anyway, both areas I've been meaning to photograph but I've been avoiding because I have to go into someone's property... And both areas would be absolutely gorgeous with the added aid of fog. Something I should DEFINITELY do before autumn comes. Because fog is no use with bland grass and dead trees. Ugly as shit.

I don't know why I had that dream.. James was over last night and I guess, even though I wasn't particularly attracted to him last night, all these things still run through my head and apparently represent something to my subconscious.

I don't know what it is but some days my boobs are a perfectly fine size, even sexy, and some days they are just way too small... today is one of those days. I'm 17.. they're never gonna get bigger until I get pregnant. And I don't want to be pregnant. :(

Wow, I usually don't miss a few days like that. I guess it's obnoxious to write an entry a day about the things that have happened. So I prefer to wait until the end of the week and sum up the week. But that takes me hours so I get too lazy to do it and then I end up not writing anything.

There is a lot of road kill on my route to school. Usually there's like one dead animal body every once in a while but I swear there's like six or seven spread out along the trip. It's like 20 or 30 miles, I'm sure. But it's still kind of weird. I think there are two dead skunks and three dead possums and probably a few squirrels, I assume. No dead cats or anything though.

I'm eager for school to start at the beginning of the week but by the end of the week I'm also eager for school to end. It's like if I have too many days of no school, I get impatient to be back. But if I have too many days of school I'm impatient to get a break. Not to say that I don't enjoy both, because I do. I just like to get out, dress up and go to classes. But I don't like having homework every day, and there are two days worth of homework from Wed and Thursday that pile up, to be done by the next Mon and Tuesday and I like it that way. I like having a lot of time to do things. I don't like the homework from Mon and Tuesday that's rushed to be done by Wed and Thursday...

I'm always late for my Sociology class. It's the first class on Mondays and Weds and it's at 12:45. I first tried to leave by 12:25 but then I was late. So then I tried to leave at 12:15 but I was again late. So now I try to leave at 12:00. Of course when I leave at 12, I have no traffic, no cars going 35mph in a 55mph zone. But when I leave at 12:20, I have slow cars. So it's like if I leave early, I end up getting there Really early. And if I leave late, I end up getting there Really late. I know it sounds obvious but it's not.

Except today. Isis is pretty much my alarm clock. She woke me up at 8AM but I went back to sleep at 9AM. And I was hoping she'd wake me up at ten or eleven but I didn't wake up until 12.... Which was when I was supposed to be leaving in order to be on time. So I had to rush to get ready. I couldn't take my routine shower but luckily I already had clean clothes ready and there was some make up left over from the day before which helps when I'm in a hurry because my make up goes on in layers. One layer doesn't cut it, I need like five. So when one messy layer is already on, it's a lot easier to just fix it, instead of start from scratch. The art of make up. But it usually comes off in the shower, which I didn't take today. Luckily, I didn't need one. I wanted to wash my hair but it was in a pony tail and I had planned for it..

I don't know what to be for Halloween. Amelia wants Isis to be a lady bug.

I wasn't sure, in the beginning, if there was anyone in the school to make friends with. I just don't know how to go about it... I mean, I know what it's like to go to school for a few months and have so little come out of it.

And then the second day of one of my days of classes... if that makes sense, I had a little bit more hope for my classes and some of the people in it.

And then the third day of those classes, both of the guys who had previously talked to me ignored me and I can only think of two explanations, either they aren't interested in talking to me, or they want to be assured that I'm interested in talking to them before they further talk to me. I'm telling you, I send out weird signals.

I tried to be really friendly that second day of classes and I thought I was successful!

And along with both guys I kind of talked to a couple girls. But to be honest, I'm not interested in making friends with girls. I'm not just looking for guys as boyfriends, although the guy from my Sociology class is soo sexy... but I like having friends who are guys.

I don't know why I don't care about friends anymore. They're kind of irrelevant to me. Like I don't need companionship all that much. But I like to flirt and I like to impress people and I like to receive flattery - even if I make up a lot of it. I guess that's why it's easy for me to cross the line with guys who have girlfriends. Because even if I'm not interested in them or having a relationship with them, I'll still flirt and try to impress them and enjoy receiving flattery from them. Damnet, just like Shannon..

All girls talk about is boys anyway. I hate that shit. I like to talk about guys with guys, that's the best.

So the point is, boys have bonuses, even as friends. Girls are pretty much useless to me and I always compare myself to them so they're essentially threatening or I have to deal with their insecurities because they're not threatening. It's not fun to be with a friend who thinks you're prettier than her. And it's not fun to be that girl.

I'm such a cliche in this situation. But it's not the worst cliche to be, if I have to choose a couple...

Hope isn't all lost. I'm smart and sexy and witty.. I just don't know if my college has the right circumstances to bond with anyone. That's why I wish I had a sign on my forehead that had the URL to my myspace. Cause it's a lot easier to bond with people on myspace or aim than in a class or during one random conversation.

:(

I hate defending people to my family. Like no one is good enough. In fact, I have always got the feeling that people, in general, are not good enough for my mom. I can name an entire list of things that are evil in this world and pretty much the larger mass of people are associated with them. I'm not saying that they aren't wrong. The point is, she judges people for all the wrong reasons. And all I do is defend and defend and defend.

I mean, sometimes she'll say bad things about some of my friends because of the things they do like smoke or drink. And then she'll be like, well your friend Kyle - I like him. And I'll be like, guess what? He smokes and he loves to get drunk at parties and do stupid things.

It doesn't mean that smoking and drinking, especially at a young age, is right, in my eyes. It just means that you can't say that all teenagers who get drunk at high school parties are evil and all teenagers who don't get drunk are not. There's that one thing going around that describes a president who does all these horrible things and then describes someone who does all these controversial things and the one who did the bad things is like Abe Lincoln and the one who is a good member of society will be like Hitler. I can't remember it exactly but the point is the same, you can't judge a book by its cover.

And my mom judges books by their covers and perhaps their subjects. Like the entire Scifi will be evil as far as she's concerned.

And maybe my problem is that I want my friends to be good enough under my parents eyes. But in some cases, I needed them to be good enough because my parents would make decisions based on their wrong assumptions that affected my life or my friend's life. I mean, if my dad told me that I couldn't sleep over at Kristen's house because she sold drugs and she didn't really sell drugs, would I just roll over and take it or would I try to prove her innocence? That's what it's like.

I'm tired of it. I can't guarantee that I'll never get involved with someone who is "evil" but for the record, my mom was married to an "evil" person for 11 years. Plus she thinks her mom is "evil."

Although that doesn't really help my case.

I just don't have the energy to vouch for someone, to fight for him or her in my parents' eyes.

Maybe, we who want what we can't have actually don't want it. And that's why we choose what we are less likely to receive. I guess some people do it because of what I said a bit ago about the chase or desire being better than the result. But I'm thinking of myself most particularly and I want to be in a relationship but I'm afraid of being in a relationship, so I go after guys who have girlfriends because their girlfriends are the key to not getting what I'm afraid to have. It would be too obvious to not wish for someone to be with. I would be a weirdo. But instead of wishing for people available to me, it's easier to go after those who aren't available to me. Then I'm assured that I won't get what I want but secretly don't want.

I know it's redundant. And it's kind of irrelevant. I was just reading Liz's survey and she says she's single. And I know that it's very likely that they broke up within a week because they have that kind of history together, on and off.. and that James wouldn't have mentioned it to me if it did happen. And I'm just wondering if I'm glad or scared. Because he was just over tonight and it's easy to wish for him when I know I can't have him. But if I can have him, am I going to wish for him knowing that my wish might come true and that isn't what I want??

Not that anything much would be different. He's been "together" with Liz for a really long time and it's emotionally stood in the way of James and I ever having a thing. He can't seem to emotionally want anybody else but her. And yet, he doesn't seem to particularly emotionally want her either. Almost like he stays with her because she's safe. I'm not really sure how much he loves her. But who am I to know.

It's just, if they're not dating, I'm not making another guy cheat on his girlfriend. So I could, say, give James a smooch and I wouldn't expect it to be emotional but at least I wouldn't have to feel guilty for our lust.

I'm just thinking aloud. I'm so bored. I can't sleep, I don't want to eat or watch TV or read or do a puzzle or anything... There's nothing to do so I read Liz's survey.

I don't know, I just don't feel like writing... I don't feel like being who I am when I write. I don't know what I feel like being. But I have a lot to do this weekend, not that I won't waste my time watching Charmed and doing puzzles...

Sometimes when I'm masturbating it's easier to get off when I don't think about sex. If I rub my clit and think about something random like what I want to eat or a French homework assignment, before I know it, I've gotten off. And, today for example, sometimes I can't get off when I'm thinking about sex so the only way to get off is to not think about sex.

So I had another dream about James. It was actually about a lot more than James... some guy next door who I pissed off and Amelia and possibly Stephanie were in the dream too. But towards the end of the dream James was going to go to sleep and I suggested we share a bed. I think we were in a hotel with the rest of the gang, and that's why I figured it would be easier to share.

And then he told me all the things he didn't like about me. He nitpicks at peoples flaws. He was here last night, for real. And I always give him shit for picking at all the little flaws that people have. So I guess that was integrated into my dream. I won't say what the flaws were, cause it's simply embarrassing to talk about flaws.

But then he said that he wanted me anyway. It reminds me of Darcy, saying that Elizabeth was ugly and then saying, but you know what, I'm strangely attracted to you anyway. So James listed all my flaws and then said he wanted me anyway.

And then I was going to kiss him but I avoided it for the moment and planned to do it later. I don't know... I think the dream took another turn cause Stephanie came home. Or whoever it was.

I went to sleep right after James left so maybe he was fresh in my mind.

He was kind of cocky when he came here. I don't really know if I'm just exaggerating but I told him about the dream that we kissed, like, yesterday or the day before. I hadn't told him about it, the dream that I had when we were sleeping next to each other and I kissed him - even though it was like two weeks ago.

Maybe he was just as cocky as he always is and I only supported it by the fact that I had my confession of the dream on my mind. I don't know. I can handle cocky. I'm just not sure I like it.

Anyway, I'm 100% sure that I would love to have his body pressed against mine but I'm 60% sure that he would disappoint me if we slept together. Well that's confusing cause we already have slept together. I should say that I'm 60% sure that he would disappoint me if we had sex together.

He reminds me of Mike. I don't know what it is that makes the cute ones lacking passion. Maybe it's just that guys who aren't as cute have to supplement the "sex appeal," meaning, what beautiful people can rely on, with passion. You know what I mean? Someone can be less than beautiful but you can still have passion for them regardless. Maybe beautiful people can rely on beauty or sexiness to stimulate them.

I don't know.

Anyway, he's kind of reserved so it's difficult to tell what he would be like when having sex. That's why I left 40% out. But there hasn't been any evidence that he would be very intense, urgent and passionate. On the contrary.

But, hey, what do I care? He has a girlfriend.

Ooh I'm terrible.

I can't help but want what I can't have unless they cheat on their girlfriend.

It's just, when I asked James about who he was dating, I asked if it was Liz or someone else. And he said "I wish it was someone else... kinda."

Not that I believe it was anyone specific that he wants besides Liz, I just think that he realizes that he's been attached to her for five years and there are a lot of other people out there that he could date if he had the guts to try. Which he doesn't, which is one of the main reasons that he's stood by Liz even when she had other boyfriends.

Him saying that kind of gave me a little... boldness. Like I would feel guilty if I was talking like this and I knew that he loved Liz and didn't want to think about anything else. But that's not exactly the way it is, thus, I don't feel like I'm doing as much wrong.

How does that happen? I finally lose Dan and I find John within a month or two. And then I finally lose John and what do I find that very weekend? Reliable, single, James has a girlfriend now. And now it's just the very same thing. It's not cool.

I don't know why I keep drawing to me these guys. Well, I know why I'm attracted to them, but I don't know if that's the reason fate handed them over to me. I just know that history repeats itself until you learn your lesson and it feels glaringly obvious that I have not learned my lesson.

Well, I could talk about other dreams, my classes, James some more or all those random things that pop into my head that I love to share with my blog.. But I'm kind of out of it this morning. I'm not even usually in it during the mornings.

I don't know where Isis is. Maybe she's sleeping but this isn't usually the time. However, she went to sleep really late last night. 9PM. Usually she goes to sleep at 7. But Amelia decided to exhaust her before putting her to sleep... no doubt because she can't put her to sleep otherwise. I'm great at it, though. I put her to sleep at 7 and within seven or eight minutes she's passed out. I'm not bragging... I told Amelia my secret and she desperately refuses to use it. She's weird. So, whatever... I just think Isis's schedule will be a little off today.

I guess I'll go shower though. That always cheers me up.

HA! I was going to tell John, in response, that when he goes to New Jersey and leaves me behind in body, that he should also leave me behind in mind. Meaning, we'll have no physical connection anymore, so neither should we have a mental or communicative connection. Or in even more simplistic terms, "stop messaging me".

But then I fell asleep and once I'd woken up, most of the reactive emotions had drained away... So I ended up saying, "K, have fun. ta." And only that.

The epitome of casual. I'm so happy I didn't give a response oozing with emotion. Because either it portrays evidence of positive emotion or it portrays evidence of negative emotion... but either way, it tells him that I feel for him.

Which, in all fairness, I actually do. But not for long. He's moving, he's out of my life, I don't see any productive future in having any sort of emotion for him, either anger or love. So leaving it in a way that tells him I have no emotion anymore, leads the way for whats inevitably to come.. that it will be true. And whether it takes months, weeks or hours to get over him doesn't make a difference.

I like to be emotionally accurate and I'm slowly learning that there isn't really an emotionally accurate reference and that the emotional norms are stupid too. So, fuck it. The end result is the same and I'm going to let all things go early on.

Subject: To: Melissa
Body: Listen...i know that you probably dont care what I have to say, and i wouldnt be surprised if you deleted this before even opening it, you have every right to do so, especially since i said i would stay out of your life. I just have a few things that i wanted to tell you.

I know that I fucked up, and i dont deserve to be your friend, you let me into your life twice now, and both times i fucked it up, but thats what I do i guess. I fuck things up. I shouldnt have left so abruptly without explaining myself that night on AIM...I just couldnt do it...I made a joke about calling you up to see what you were doing(the day after we hung out) and she started crying, I couldnt hurt her like that, and you shouldnt be hurt either, so dont think that i think of it that way. Lyla has been through it all with me, she stayed with me while i was in placement, and when my grandfather died, and when my parents died...she has never done anything wrong to me, at all...and i cheated on her. I liked you alot Melissa, i still like you, that is part of the reason why i just left, because i know that you would be hurt, and i dont like it when you hurt, especially if im the person that causes the pain...i hate it. And im sorry that it happened, that you got hurt, i hate myself for that..and no im not asking for your friendship again, and to forgive me, thats just pointless. I dont deserve you, in any way that you could be.

The other reason why i figured i would write to you, is because its a definate that im going to New Jersey. I cant live here anymore, my cousin is too much, im basically a prisoner in my own home, i might as well be back in placement...

Well thats all i wanted to say Melissa, and again, im sorry. And you dont have to write back to this, all i really want is for you to know my side of things and to know that im honestly sorry for all of this..

Im sorry
-John-


It does me absolutely no good. His apologies and explanations were inferred from the start. Maybe it eases his guilt but it doesn't make my life better. Making him a good person only makes me less able to deal with the situation anyway. So I'm going to forget about this letter. It does not make me happy. It hurts me more today than I have been all week.

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Well John unblocked me on aim. It's been a week.

I miss James... I want to cuddle with him and have him near me making me happy. There's a particular fondness for him that almost wasn't there before I found out he had a girlfriend. I guess that there were things that I was apprehensive about that kept me from getting attached to him. And somehow, him having a girlfriend, makes those things disappear.

I think it might just be the same old thing... now that he's taken, there's no risk in being fond of him because technically the worst has already happened, he's already unavailable. It's safe to like him now because I'm doing it while knowing what I'm getting myself into. There aren't any surprises.

I KNOW! I'm a huge hypocrite... I want to kiss him so badly. All because he has a girlfriend. I just feel safer now.

But safer, and yet more attracted to him. Ugh. lol.

I feel so imbalanced about this love/relationship deal. It's like I worked really hard and now I can fake it excellently. I can be in love, I can be a good girlfriend, I can be balanced and healthy and fair and devoted. And yet, I know, still, that I'm faking something.

Or maybe I'm making a problem out of nothing?

I just know that my perception of human relationships and interaction is messed up. The way I see myself in an interactive situation with someone else is messed up. Something is off. And maybe I don't deserve to be in a situation where I can safely fake it, because that wouldn't provoke me to challenge the problem.

I'm just not sure how to fix the problem. I can't really identify it or its aspects...

Lately I've been feeling kind of disconnected to the major parts of myself that give me confidence. I guess the special aspects of my personality like my philosophical and analytical tendencies. The things that made me stand out and that most people didn't really even understand. I think that's because, so many people rejected the other, more simple parts of my personality. And I could ignore that when I began finding my passions in wisdom and psychology and the like. Those aspects that give me the edge.

But maybe I needed to step back from my dependency on those things for love and confidence and I need to find confidence in the most basic parts of my personality. The most basic parts of my emotions and my humanity. The parts that are rejected by so many people in my life. I need to acknowledge that all these people reject these aspects and say, so what?

Those complex aspects that gave me confidence weren't touched by the majority of people. I didn't really want that many people to know about it because if I did, then the could open their critical mouthes. It just so happens that most of them are dumb enough to not understand my philosophies and wisdom, lucky me. That's also what gave me a sense of pride in those aspects. Because they were unique but also valuable.

But ever since John, although this may just be a coincidence in that I became disconnected from these aspects at the same time as John, instead of because of John.... I've just felt less confident about my unique and brilliant aspects. Like I've felt so crummy about my book. So afraid of that power that I had.

But I don't think it's for ever. I think that I just needed to identify with some of the basic parts of my personality that deserve to be loved and cherished. Like my brilliance told me that I had earned my own love. Everybody told me that I was worthless in the beginning but then I earned it and I didn't allow anybody to take that away from me. Maybe now I need to step back from that which leads me to feel accomplished and bond with the most basic and rejected parts of my personality.

I don't know if I'm doing it, but you have to wonder how I can be sitting in bed and all this comes to mind. Sometimes I think there's no way I could make these explanations up...

But even if I did... I'd still be lovable. I think that's the point I'm trying to make, right? Who cares if I'm not always right or correct? Being wise or correct isn't what makes me deserve love.

So I was thinking, comically, if John comes back to me, how I can be certain that I can thwart his attempts to fool me again. Cause telling him that I don't like him anymore doesn't work. It doesn't convince him to go away and it doesn't convince me that I want him to go away.

The only way I can be sure to not get involved with him is to freak him out all over again. Not another drawn out week or two of slow discovery. Like we're friends and we slowly move up to lovers and then we kiss and it freaks him out and he's gone for a week or so and then we start the process all over again. No, no, no. I can't put myself through that again. And I'm not even sure that's what he'll end up doing.

But then I realized how simple it is. All I have to do is as soon as he starts talking to me, tell him I'm madly in love with him and that I really want him to break up with Lyla. It'll freak him out and he'll be gone again.

I'd say that I'm not sure he's coming back but I think the pattern with John is indecisiveness. And I could be self-loathing and say that he's merely indecisive about being with me but truth is, he's also indecisive about Not being with me. Even though I'd like it if he was strong and emotionally healthy enough to stick to his word and be happy with Lyla... I'm not sure it's going to end up that way.

Well, if I don't tell about my first week back tonight, I'll never get the chance. Cause new stuff will happen and it'll be all gone.

Not that any of it is particular to the day... it's mostly just a rundown of the things I took note of about my classes, that will no doubt be the same next week and the week after that.

See how I ramble? This is why I sometimes avoid opening up the door. I remind myself of Monica, from Friends. Actually, I feel like all of them. I guess I always take on some of their mannerisms and expressions after I get done watching a season. But it's interesting this time since I really didn't enjoy this season. It was the 7th. I've never seen it before. It was pretty boring. I hope the 8th is better. I think I've seen a few episodes from that season on TV.

So my Forensic Science teacher is a cop. He's been one for 27 years. He's been on SWAT and been a diver for bodies and stuff and had a bunch of other positions around the area. He's not really a forensic scientist but he's worked a lot of homicide cases. He tells us about them. Some of them are pretty gruesome. You know how I said CSI was twisted and I should stop watching them? I realize now that as twisted as they are, they're pretty accurate. Which is sad, but makes me forgive the writers of the show a little bit.

I mean, I've already seen a few photographs of some real dead bodies, my first, and second and third, and fourth. There was that fat drug dealer with the pajama pants. And a couple "bad guys" that the police shot, the drug dealer was one of them. And an old couple. The woman had maggots in her mouth. But we didn't see a photograph of up close. Although, I can picture it, thanks to a couple CSI episodes. Actually, I can picture a lot of the stuff. I read my text book and even though the show isn't completely accurate, I have a visual of a lot of the things that the text talks about. Mostly the things to do at the crime scene, and the crime scenes.

When I first got in my class I was so excited. I got that feeling that I get when my "feelings" tell me that I really wanna have a career in this area. I get it all the time about Law. And one time about Investigative Reporting. And sometimes about Psychology. And I actually was going to go into Criminal Justice in Votec. I was gonna do it but I wanted to take Honors English that year and it didn't fit in with my votec schedule and for some reason my councilor didn't seem too enthusiastic about the idea. So I didn't end up doing it. It looked pretty cool though.

So I got that "I want to do this" feeling... but it went away. We watched a video on the FBI crime lab and it looked really boring. Cause all the rooms are really plain and they just have machines in them to do all the forensic processing.. and CSI people don't even do the investigations, they just run the tests. In the show, the CSIs go out and question people and run the investigation but that's not really how it's done. Sometimes they have people from CSI who process the crime scene and collect evidence for the lab but sometimes they don't even have that and the police men who go there bring back the evidence...

So even though it's fun, I kind of got the feeling that the TV show had glamorized it and in real life, it probably wouldn't be my thing. Plus, I don't know how I missed it, hellooo, it's gruesome. It's not pretty, if I was to process the scenes or visit the dead bodies in the ME's place. I always look really closely at the pictures my teacher shows me. Cause I've seen tons and tons and tons and tons of "dead bodies" and "gruesome scenes" but they've all been fake. And even if they look accurate... red dye and blood are totally different things to the mind. I still think the scenes are gross, especially the autopsies... but they're not real and I want to see if the real scenes look different.

So I'm always looking as if I'm expecting to be surprised. I was with the drug dealer... he had a huge hole in his head, from a gun, obviously. And I'm used to seeing the brain on the TV shows and I looked expecting to see some brain matter. But I think it was too butchered so it didn't even look very gruesome. It was just a big red hole, I couldn't see anything disgusting. But he had some other bullet wounds all over his body and I did get a tiny bit squeamish. But I think I've desensitized myself a bit, almost back to how I am with the TV show. It's gross, but it never makes my stomach toss. Although I'm sure it would be a different matter if it was in real life. But I guess the pictures are just pictures.

I also heard the audio of the drug dealer getting killed. It was a drug bust but he shot at the cops so they shot at him back and one of the police had a recorder thing around his neck, for some random reason... so we got to hear the audio, although it was kind of difficult to hear. The cops are kind of mean. They're like GET ON THE FUCKING GROUND! and stuff. I was surprised. Just another thing that they do on TV that I thought they might not do in real life. but if you wanna be a tough guy.. fine.

It was kind of interesting, there was a picture of someone squeezing the drug dealer's head back together. It almost looked like it had been sliced open so when he squeezed it back together it nearly looked normal. Like he closed the wound. Although, I believe, there was still a hole from the bullet... that was the point of the picture, apparently.

Anyway, it's an interesting class. I'm kind of upset and kind of glad that my teacher is a cop instead of a scientist. Because I like hearing about the cases and the other teacher on campus doesn't have that kind of real life experience. However, I'm kind of interested to know all the forensic deduction behind the police experience. And he doesn't know it deeply enough to explain it to us. I don't know that Sue Powell would either. But apparently she's the scientist so she might at least be able to answer some of our questions better.

So that was last Tuesday. It's a night class and, as much as I love driving alone, it's also kind of boring. I LOVE driving to school in the sunny afternoons. But I hate driving home alone. And my radio doesn't pick up any good stations. I don't understand why.

I keep making stupid mistakes. I hate it, but you live, you learn. So I might as well learn. Once you make the big mistakes, you tend to be so embarrassed that you put it on your check list before you leave the car or before you start driving. Like, I left my lights on for three hours in the parking lot. Because I drove on the bridge and they're doing road work so it's dark and some people had their lights on, probably the automatic lights but whatever, I hadn't ever turned on my lights before so I was interested at the prospect. But then once I left the bridge it was light out so I forgot I had my lights on and I left them on. For some reason, by God's grace, my battery didn't die. That's fantastic because I'm not ready to deal with a dead battery in a parking lot at 9PM. And I didn't have a cell phone with me. But don't worry, I won't make that mistake again either.

Then last Thursday I left my gatorade on top of the car. But not while I was driving, just when I went into class. Silly me. I know people do that all the time. One time my mom left the house phone on top of her car and when she began driving it fell off and broke. The things she does!

And the other day when my dad and I went to the mall to buy my computer and some new shoes, I ran over the curb. It was my dad's car and he was just giving me such huge bullshit. Granted, I did try to shift gears without putting my foot on the clutch. Cause we had just gotten off the thruway and you forget that clutch exists when you don't change gears for a half an hour.... So anyway he was giving me tons of shit, I think it was cause he saw an accident, a semi that went around the turn too fast and tipped over. And after that he was acting like I was a completely psychotic driver.

I'm not joking... I was going in the parking lot at like five miles an hour and he was talking about how I was... how did he put it.. something to the equivalent of barreling into the area. Like I was going horribly fast and that's why I couldn't find a parking spot or some such thing. And when I get hounded and critisized, it doesn't make me a better driver. Not to say that it made me a worse driver, but once you're a sucky driver, you've got nothing to lose, really. So I get even more sloppy. So when I stopped at a stop sign, I turned it really tightly and I saw it but I didn't care so when I started I ran right over the curb. Ha, that gave him something to be actually mad about.

After I got my computer I finally surrendered the driver's seat. He acted surprised when I gave it up, Don't you wanna drive? Puh. He told me that he should drive like five times. I just wanted to relax and think about dating John. That was the day he was supposed to break up with his girlfriend. Actually the third day. He kept putting it off to have sleepovers with her... I dunno. That's not the point.

So I went out on a limb with my new shoes. I hate shoe shopping. I think they're girls shoes. Hard to say. Zumiez doesn't really have things all set up. They basically just have a huge pile of shoes boxes, very disorganized. And I found some Vans that were a bit risky for my tastes but I took the risk and now I quite like them. Although I have to wear socks that go past my ankles because otherwise my socks slide down and my heels rub against the back and owe!! I like wearing ankle socks. :( but now I can't.

So let's see, I have a Sociology class on Mondays and Weds. Brittney is in there. :( It sucks because even though there are tons of other classes that have discussions about the topics, Sociology happens to be one of them and Brittney happens to be the kind of person who loves giving her long, detailed opinions on debates and discussions. To be fair, you could say she's a bit like me. And maybe that's why I dislike her. I like to be the only one who can pipe up and have a smashing and fresh response to the topic. But also, she's a little cliche-ly keen. And that bothers me because she doesn't even deserve to be seen as exactly how I see her. If you get my drift.

Cause my fresh opinions in debate are what I'm proud of. And she's kind of like me, only a bit cliche, so I don't really want her to have the good debater status. She was in my English and my U.S. History in high school. Not really very many debates but she talked when she could anyway. One time she told my English class that she had myspace like way before it was popular. And she put it in her topic to sound casual, but she was obviously proud of it. You know why that pisses me off? YEAH! Cause I was also one of those people who had a myspace before it was popular! And I like to put it in casual conversation so that people know I'm not just some dumb follower of a trend!

But let's not get into that. Having myspace before it got popular is not the most brilliant thing to brag about. It's something that would still make me feel good about myself, I'm sorry to say. But seeing how pathetic it is displayed on someone else both makes me jealous that they're using my line and ashamed that I have the same desperate line.

So that's why she bothers me. She also used to give me shit, I think?? I know that Andy, one of the many, used to always say dumb things to me. And she would always laugh and stuff. I hate it when smart asses give me shit and they always have some girl who really doesn't like me to sit by and... yeah.

So anyway, after I dropped out, she sent me a message on myspace apologizing for "giving me shit" I don't quite remember any of the mean things she would have said in high school. She got mad at me one time for not letting her sit in my assigned seat. Her assigned seat was right behind me so I don't know what the big deal was.

She also told me that my myspace pictures were pretty. She didn't add me but she was being nice. It kind of made me feel like she felt sorry for me for dropping out or something. I'm not sure what it was. I wish they all knew I had dropped out to go to college but you can't trust the right people to open their mouthes so everybody probably thought I was a total loser. Although now all the people in my graduating class are coming to my college! I hate it. I was cool because I was there earlier than them all. Now I'm hardly a year ahead of them (essentially only one semester) and I know it's sad that I hang on to these types of things to make me feel cool but that's just how sad I am.

So I'm surprised, my psychology teacher last year said that he also taught sociology and he hated his class. He always said how boring it was. It kind of reminded me of Statistics. Like when I think of that class and Sociology, they remind me of the same kind of dull status. But Sociology is Social Psychology, is it not? And that's my favorite topic in my General Psychology text book from last semester! So I think it might be pretty fun. I didn't anticipate that.

15 minutes later, which is awesome that I don't have a lot of time to wait in between the classes, I have Western Civilizations. Most of the classes are in small classrooms that remind me of high school and I hate it. We have like four lecture halls and I can't figure out which classes get to go in there but that, of course, makes me feel like real college so I've always wanted to be in there. But there's a new building with a really nice classroom and a lecture hall. It's not as big as the three in the main building, I think. But it's still really nice. There are comfy swively chairs and outlets for laptops and it's just an amazing atmosphere... that's where I have my Western Civilizations class. I don't care how boring that class turns out to be, I'm going to enjoy each and every class. The room is so nice to be in.

I didn't really realize it until now but there's basically only one hall for classes and three small buildings. Not really very many choices so it makes sense that I have combinations of the same classrooms. I guess I sort of did in high school as well. My English class is in the same room as my English class was last year. And my Sociology class is in the same room as my French class later that day. And my Forensic Science lecture is in my old Philosophy room. Which is cool cause they have nice tables, instead of dinky little high school desks that make me sad. My Forensic Science Lab is in a Lab classroom so it's kind of cool.

But back to my Western Civilization class.. I was fortunate enough to have a couple more nemeses(if that's what you want to call them) join me. Shannon is in my class. I would put the convo of me telling James about it in here but it seems to have disappeared. Fucking lousy trillian didn't save it. Moo. It would have saved me time.

Basically what I told him was that we first had a love/hate relationship and that kind of instilled an obsession for her inside me because the hate drove me to prove to her things that I was feeling vulnerable about because of the love. I mean, when you feel warmly about someone and you enjoy being around them, it's almost like they're as easy as a breeze. But it wasn't like that with Shannon and I. There were too many conflicts and so little communication that I always had to deal with "us" inside my head, without her. And the hate drove me to be angry and spiteful because I was feeling vulnerable about the love... so the topics in my head were often angry and spiteful. And every good feeling I had for her had to be negated with bad feelings because I didn't feel like she deserved or respected my love. And she didn't.

Oddly enough, I think Stogner always did the very same thing to her. I dislike being like him, but for the sake of my blame, we'll say that it's proof that Shannon provokes the same reaction in her lovers.

So then we stopped being friends and it became a total obsession. Obviously without any relief because we never talked. I always talked to other people about her behind her back and it was a big deal with our friends because they were caught between us. And I always asked for their livejournal passwords to read her livejournal.

It's like, you know when something good happens to you and you have one person in mind to share it with? I have that intensely. Cause I'm a writer, I like to share my thoughts with people. That's one of the reasons I love to write in blogs in such a detailed manner. Well, livejournal was always directed at her and it was my way of expressing things to her that I couldn't say to her. Usually spiteful things, because I was trying to provoke her or manipulate her. And I was also a little bit fake in that I was always skewing my entries to prove things to her. Prove that I was better than her or something of the sort.

So what I'm trying to say is that she was the person that I said everything to but that I never trusted. I always wanted to trust her but I couldn't. So I always had to equalize my vulnerability with spite and anger. As I've already said. So it's like, she was the silent audience in my head. I could be with Mike shopping and I'd think of her. Because when I thought of sharing my stuff with my livejournal, I'd think of her. Even when she wasn't on my livejournal for a long time, I still wrote to her. And when I wore something to school and I would look in the mirror before I went, sort of wondering how people would take it, I thought of her. Like if I looked good, it would proving something to her.

She wasn't the only one but she's been the only constant one since tenth grade. The others were always guys and I let them all go within time.

She had this way of not talking to me during school. We'd be nearly lovers online and then we'd be sitting next to each other in class and she wouldn't look at me or talk to me. And it hurt me so I did it back. So we had the worst friendship at school. but this is what I badly explained further up... when you have a friend who you purely enjoy, you experience them like a breeze, light and easy. With her it was obsessive and intense. We wouldn't talk, so I was always aware of her presence and yet I couldn't relieve it. I couldn't just turn and say something to her. I had to just think about her. And be angry at her ignoring me and prove to her by flirting with someone in front of her or making jokes that I didn't mind that she ignored me or that I was happy or whatever.

The weird thing is, all the obsessive, angry behavior that fueled me when we were enemies, actually started when we were lovers. I just got used to not looking at her or saying anything to her but having her as my audience. Cause that's how it was when we were friends. I couldn't really talk to her so I had to say things to someone else as if I was saying them to her. Things I wanted her to know, I told other people in front of her. And I would show off and try to prove that I was funny or cool or loved or happy and especially that I was casual and that I didn't care about her, because I was vulnerable about loving her.

So like the first day of school I was dating Dan and Shannon and I had had romance going on but I was mad at her for ignoring me and not giving me attention so I told Meagan about Dan in front of Shannon, who didn't know about him yet, or something. Cause that was like saying to her, what's going on between us isn't important to me cause I have boys on my mind. And it was all spite because I felt like our romance wasn't important to her. And she's an enigma so who knows if it ever was. And she's the one who got me into livejournal so my livejournal experience was based or originated on her as my audience.

And things like myspace and pictures of me and such, were always set up with her eyes in mind. Like if I looked really hot or my myspace was really cool, I knew I was proving that to her. If I had an awesome experience, if I almost had sex in a graveyard, I knew I was proving that to her. And that went on obsessively until I decided that I couldn't take it anymore and I had to be "friends" with her again.

So I mended things. I said that it was ridiculous for us to avoid eye contact, not like we ever didn't avoid eye contact while we were friends. It was psychotic. But I told her that we sat next to each other in English and that we had lunch together and while I can glance freely at any other random person in school, it's silly for me to avoid glancing at her. I wanted things to be nonchalant between us so that it wasn't so obvious that we had a bad history. And so it was.

Problem is, then I added her back to my livejournal for the first time in like eight or nine months. And then she was back on my myspace. And it was the same thing again. Every time I'd post a bulletin, I'd think of her eyes reading it, or more like her mind processing it. And if I'd say something cool, I'd still get that feeling that I was proving something to her.

Alas, I also had Nicole and Mareena to do the same thing with. Myspace blessed me with that opportunity. So over time it's kind of toned down.

And yet, I finally decided one day that I no longer wanted Shannon to be my audience. In fact, when I began college last semester. I didn't want all my words to be skewed because of her. But then I didn't really have much of an audience so I basically stopped writing until the summer when I added Dan to my new livejournal. And I much prefer him as my silent audience. Less obsession, less anger and spite, zero anger and spite, in fact.

I find that I can be much more unbiased and mature with Dan as my audience. Because being friends with Shannon brought out the worst of my qualities and even though many of them are just a secret now, less active and obnoxious, so easier to deny... most of them are not in play with Dan. At least not at this point although sometimes when we split up I'd do some of that, see I'm happy without you stuff. But these days when I write about how happy James makes me I don't do it to prove anything to Dan. I write it because it's the truth. If I'm thinking something mean about Dan, I write it because it's the truth. Equally, if I'm thinking something nice about Dan, I write it because it's the truth. I was so biased with Shannon. Never saying the good things because I couldn't bear to give her the satisfaction of my love and always saying the bad things to punish her for not loving me enough or whatever.

It wasn't quite like that with John as my audience either. Maybe a tiny bit. But not as obsessive. I would have said how James slept over and I dreamt about kissing him regardless of John reading it. It made me feel happier spending time with James, to take my mind off of John, than to spend time with James and rub it in John's face...

But I'm way off topic now. If I had put down that damn 30 second conversation with James about the situation I wouldn't be sitting here write now..... I knew I wouldn't be so brief if I got the chance to really analyze it. The point is, now that she's in my class, my mind is automatically brought back to her. Even in high school when she wasn't in my class but she was somewhere else in the school, I was so aware of it. Always aware of her presence near or far. I can ignore it a lot outside of school but sometimes I'm still reminded of her and what I'm doing will suddenly be showcased to her in my mind.

It sucks. As I told James, I don't have any particular feeling for her anymore. I don't hate her or like her. I don't enjoy her or find her unenjoyable. However, I still get a little envious when I hear things about her. Because I still have that habit ingrained in my head, that competitive habit because I had so much to prove to her. And I'm also bothered about hearing about her boyfriends because I was always her lover while she was dating Jon and it hurt to hear about him so I get this funky envious feeling like I need to refute it or destroy all its meaning and significance as soon as I hear something good about her. I just dislike when she's happy.

And I hate all her phony off-the-beaten path phases. Like her Buddhist phase and her vegan phase. Cause I like being the off-the-beaten path person. It's the same thing with Brittney. It's just one of the things that I'm proud of and not only do I want to be the only one but I can't even respect her for doing it because she's a fake and I get angry at the idea of her getting the reputation of what I want to be the only one of, when she doesn't even deserve it cause she's a total liar...

So anyway, I'm sitting in my other classes and I'm wondering if she's left the school already or if she'll walk by and see how cool I am. lol. And when I think of what I'll wear for the next class, I would otherwise just imagine an audience with no identity, the other students, seeing my outfit. But now I have an identity and an old habit of proving things to her, like that I'm way more beautiful and classy than she is. Which I don't think really needs to be proven very much. :o

Not to be snide.

Anyway, I don't want to do it. But like I told James, it is simply an old habit. Maybe saying all this stuff will help me get over it. Cause I always had too much pride to admit the depths of my obsession with her. But I think I'm cool with it being exposed.

I like exposing myself. I have nothing to lose. Cause humanity fascinates me and every time I confess something I realize how human I am. So what a good, intriguing example of humanity I am.

So I haven't even had a chance to say the other enemy I've got. Little miss Hathaway. She's like Kristen's best friend and she lives right across the street from me. And she's a little bitch. She is really little. Like five feet. And she would say rude, snobbish things to me or about me while in high school. She definitely dislikes me but she doesn't have any reason to. :) So I know it's because she's envious of something in my personality. Even though that always seems to be my explanation and I've recently learned that it's not always the case.

But you know when you see a pretty girl and you bitch about the stupidest things to make them seem like a horrible person because you tear them down because you're envious of them or their position. That's the impression I get from her. So it keeps me from caring very much about her. I ignore her and I don't have anything to prove. She was staring at me in class, I think, I couldn't be sure cause I wasn't staring at her... I know that she's aware of my presence, probably the way I'm aware of Shannon's presence.

It's sad but, Shannon always I want to say intimidated but when I was young and insecure I gave her my trust and she pulled that silence thing on me, I won't get into it now... the point is, I felt like I had exposed myself and thus, proved that I was, I dunno, "lower" than her. And her silence was her safety. She was feeling all the things I was feeling from good to bad, but she didn't tell me. And it's pretty much what I said about after Mike and I broke up, how I kept talking about him and exposing how bothered I was with him when I should have just ignored it and denied it and then I could have kept my decency and pride....

It's like, her silence was like saying that she didn't care and my lack of silence and my compulsion to confess was proving that I did care. It made me feel needy and I was needy for attention. And she was always composed and silent. It always made me want to get a reaction out of her and etc.

My point is, that happened as soon as I got back from the month I spent in Utah. And even though we were friends, even lovers for like the next seven months... ever since I got back, I had to prove to her that I wasn't "lower" than she was. It's hard to put the scale of status into words because it's pretty much about pride, I guess. And I guess it was, again, like the thing with Mike. I lost some of my pride and I spent months trying to get it back, trying to prove to him that I wasn't what my pride was afraid I exposed myself as, needy and clingy and in love with him when he wasn't in love with me.

She's always silent though. And thus, she always wins. Even if she's having the same thoughts or feelings or obsessions... all I can hear is my own thoughts, feelings and obsessions. And I can't force or manipulate her into putting herself lower on the scale than me. I tried so often. I said so many bad things about her to so many people. I said that I hated her or never loved her or whatever, so many times. And nothing ever worked. I could never fully equalize the pride situation.

I find the great lengths my pride goes to satisfy itself insane. And fascinating... because it's such an integral part of humanity. Can you imagine how much it must have drove Hitler? I always use him as an example cause he's like the most notorious person ever.

So I can deal with Ashley. It's a pretty big class anyway. There are a lot of foreign people with difficult last names. And this girl who talks a lot. Usually people are shy in a big classroom. For me, it's like, when the teacher speaks out loud to a class, I'm sheepish about the idea that I should respond out loud, as if I'm unsure that he wants my response, since he's technically talking to the whole class. But she's really bold, she speaks right up. And when he went through the attendance, she asked a couple people around her about their last names, so the whole class could hear. But she seems nice. Usually people like that irritate me. Probably cause they remind me of myself. That's usually how it goes. I just love people who don't remind me of myself. :) They're so relaxing to recognize. It's so difficult and destructive to see myself in others.

Sometimes. Sometimes it actually makes me really happy. I'm always subconsciously looking for myself in guys around me who I almost think I want to turn out to be my soul mate or something. Like if I find myself in them maybe it means we come from the same whole or something. Cause I get all mushy and romantic when I find a guy with similar traits. I dunno. Small thought that I won't get into cause I've been writing for so long and I'm sleepy.

And I'm not done.

My teacher is weird but interesting. He has an interesting perspective. He talked for the whole class and not about history cause he was just explaining things. I respect his way of seeing things and explaining things. He might be gay. But I say gay because he's one of those guys that isn't very masculine. Masculinity is that tough guise. lol. There's no better way to put it. Sometimes you get those open guys who aren't feminine but lack that tough, dominating facade. Kyle is like that and that's why everybody thinks he's gay. But he's been insisting that he's not for years so maybe there are guys out there who have a way of being, normal.

It's weird. I just can't find an alternative way to explain it. Nothing to compare it to. No metaphors. It's just lacking something masculine but not flaunting anything feminine except maybe some type of openness that men aren't prone to, except when they're halfwoman. I can't even put it into words.

So I'm not going to keep trying... he's pretty cool except, I swear, I'm not lying, he said that our entire grade was based on two exams. One exam being 200pts and the other being 200pts. Making 400pts, our entire grade. I'm not kidding. No homework. No assignments or reports. No grades affected by attendance. Just two chances to come to school, take a test and make a grade. And he has absolutely, positevly, no make up exams.

I've never been bad with tests so I'm not worried and yet I feel like it's such an absurd way of grading that I can feel the fear of all the people who just can't succeed under those circumstances. I'm thinking, what if they have surgery or they're throwing up over and over again and they can't come and they miss one exam and then have a failing grade cause even 200pts from the second exam doesn't give you a passing grade... It's just so wrong. But when he was explaining it, I kind of liked it. He had this way of expressing that we're adults and he's not going to play those little games of attendance and homework with us: we had to decide, as adults, that we were either going to make the grade or we were not going to make the grade.

I've never in my life had a teacher who expressed it that way. They all had to babysit us into making our grades. So I kind of respect his original way of handling us. I just hope that the people who deserve the grade won't lose their chance because of ridiculous circumstances with those damn exams...

Funny thing, I had four classes last semester and three of them had a research paper required. I have five classes now and I haven't heard it from any of them. They've all gone over their syllabus and it probably should have been mentioned in there, if it's required at all. But it hasn't been mentioned. Do I really have none? I'm not sure I mind. I like writing papers but I don't like the pressure. Although I'm really satisfied with the last three papers I wrote. I like what comes out when I apply myself. Which I hate doing. I hate applying myself...

So my English teacher was out all week. We had two different substitutes. The second was like the Dean or something? She sucked, so badly. We had to read this story for homework and then we went in to discuss it with her during class. She was lost. She'd read the story but she did not know how to analyze it in the least bit. She was like prompting us to analyze it but she didn't know what we were supposed to be looking for so she was asking horrible questions that led to nothing. With the help of some of the classmates and a couple of her lame questions I finally got the gist of my own interpretation of the story. I didn't get it at all in the beginning.

It was an interesting short story by the author of The Scarlet Letter. Which I never read cause Honors English 11th grade reads other stuff. But anyway... it was kind of baffling at first. I can't wait to have the real English teacher to help us understand the stories next time. I really don't like that other lady. She is a poor excuse for an English teacher and I think she said that she was an English teacher. I can't believe that she's so terrible. Like she kept trying techniques but giving up half way through cause they sucked.

And she would ask questions and get on stupid topics like the author says that Goodman Brown was dreaming like four times and she kept asking, but what if it's not a dream, what if he's just leading us on? But she wasn't saying it in a serious way. She was saying it like she had nothing else to go on but she had to fill the spaces with some kind of pondering question and this was the best she could come up with.

And tried to have us make a list of the symbols in the story. So we labeled like the pink ribbon and this and that but after we were done with the list we moved on. We didn't identify anything that the items symbolized. What's the point of knowing that somethings a symbol but not knowing what it's a symbol of? And then she asked if we thought the author did it on purpose. Like, wrote the story with the intention of something or other. And it was dumb. Like she was asking if he just wrote the story and it turned out that way or if he did it with the specific intent of getting the point across that we were lamely trying to define.

It was an awful class...

On Thursdays Amelia and I have the same schedule. Same English class and different lectures at 6PM. So we drive together. And when you get an Italian BMT at Subway, you get free drinks and chips, on Thursdays I think he said the special was for. So since we have like three hours gap between classes and a night class where we'd probably need dinner before, we figured we'd make Subway a habit. I could also go on Tuesdays but her 6PM class turns into a 9AM class. So I'm on my own on Tuesdays. I think I should come home and visit with Isis but I'll see what I'm in the mood for.

I started reading Pride & Prejudice when I was waiting for one of my classes. It's a good book. I'm not very far but I like the author's style of writing and sense of humor. And I like her topic. I've seen the movie and wanted to read the book since I was like ten, but I never got around to the book and the movie seemed different. Of course it was different. I just seemed to concentrate more about the love story aspect when I watched the movie. Like I don't remember any of the dialogue, the way I read it in the book, although I'm sure they stupidly tried to put some of her wit into the movie... I don't know.

I was just pulling one of those girly, "I can't wait for them to get together and have a happy ending" things. And I think that that's exactly Jane Austen's mocking subject is. I don't quite remember why it's a classic. But I think it's about the idea that a woman's fulfillment is in getting married and that's all there is to her life. Or rather, a satirical perspective on that notion. So it's kind of ironic that I was so concentrated and eager for exactly that.

But it's kind of difficult to understand her way of writing. It's nice but it's almost like she puts the sentence parts in a different order than usual. I can't really explain it but it reminds me of a more subtle, "Strong your mind is, young Jedi" Instead of "Your mind is strong".... Know what I'm saying? I don't even know what the sentence parts are called but they're in a different order. So it sometimes confuses me and if people are passing by I look up and lose my concentration and have to read the paragraph over again. So I'm reading it slowly, I read each paragraph about five times before I can move on.

But I like it anyway.

Ahah! I have one more class to chat about. lol. French. My teacher is old and she reminds me of my high school French teacher. She said Bonjour to all the students and I said hi back, I was the only one. It's just that, you have to loosen your tongue to get the French language flowing smoothly. Otherwise you sound really restricted and now French at all. And since I hadn't loosened my tongue I didn't feel like saying even a simple bonjour madame. But she made me say it anyway. So I did.

She has us say things aloud a lot. And most people butcher even the simple words. I butchered a simple word too. It's by far the most motivating tool for me to learn the language, because I want to be prepared to know it so that I don't sound like an idiot when she makes me say it all aloud in class.

But I'm not too terrible. It's not a phonetic language and I love it for that reason. I love how graceful all the vowels are. I love the way they often don't finish the word. The end just kind of fades off. The art is within the pronunciations. I hate writing it but I love reading it aloud. It's beautiful. Most of the class were saying Monsieur like Mon-sewer. Have they not watched, like Beauty and the Beast? It's Muh-syuh. It's pretty basic stuff but they try to say it phonetically. So at least I'm not one of them. :)

There's this one girl who's like my mom. My mom doesn't have control over her tongue. So you can try to have her sound out a foreign word over and over and over again, simple stuff, but it's like their brain keeps telling them what they expect it to be. Like the word Lemonade in French is pronounced Lee - mo - nod. But their brains keep telling their mouthes to pronounce it the way lemon ade and you can say it slow and broken up, over and over again and they just can't seem to get it. I'm glad I'm not one of those people.

I love speaking French. I'm too shy to do it in front of people though cause I have that weird thing I won't get in to tonight about acting or being fake. And I'm like faking a French accent. So I feel dumb. Even if I'm doing it well. It's like I'm afraid that I'll get caught faking it because I'm not doing it right so I'd much rather not try to do it at all. But then I sound dumb trying to say French words in an American way. Like saying Buffet, Buh-fett.. instead of Boo-fay. Another one of those words where the ending consonants just slip away. It's so classy. :)

But I have to get over not being able to say it in front of people cause our teacher is surely going to make us do it. She already made us do it tons. Picking out random people in class. I dread it. But since it's inevitable, I'd much rather prepare for it as much as I can. Weird how saving myself from embarrassment is going to be my strongest motivational tool. But I want to learn the language anyway, that's why I'm taking the class.

It's definitely going to be the hardest class I have to take. So much memorizing. And the homework is just like in high school. The thing with a language, unlike most other courses, maybe not math though, most of it isn't ummm ah fuck I forget the word. One of my high school teachers used to use it all the time. Most of the course topics don't build off of one another. You learn it, you memorize it, you get tested, and then you throw it out because you don't have to know it to learn the next section or whatever. They don't build off of one another. But in math, they do. Which is one of the reasons I did so badly in math cause it wasn't hard it just took memorizing and I hated that. I hate memorizing things.

I took French for two years but truth be told, I know very little because I only memorized it for the time being. I didn't allow it to sink in but stay refreshed. And I'm talking about while I was in the middle of the school year, not about the time since then. Although it hasn't helped. So that's what I find the hardest. I mean, I did well on all my psychology tests. Learned all the terms and stuff like that. But fuck if I can remember any of it now. That's just the way American high school students get used to learning. They stuff themselves with information to satisfy society and throw it out as soon as they can.

Hopefully I'll be able to retain the information in a special spot in my brain that can be accessed whenever I want so that I can actually use the French that I learn.

Anyway I'm tired. I've been writing for like three hours. ugh. I knew it... and Isis will be here in the morning. Yay. :)