Honestly, James and I are making progress. Progress towards what, I don't know. I actually think that we've made more romantic progress rather than sexual progress. We're still both maddeningly shy. I'm pretty much deathly afraid of this situation. I was so nervous I couldn't even enjoy his body against mine the other day. So nervous I can't enjoy how he feels against me! Despite the fact that I had been wishing for it like no freakin other the entire night before...

Though he did feel me up. That's sexual progress. But the last time I saw him I felt emotionally closer to him above all. I think he felt it too, but who am I to say? I could ask, but see, that's the thing about being deathly shy. You want to AVOID ALL AWKWARD SITUATIONS. And knowing that he wants to do the same makes me more shy. Know what I mean? If he didn't care, I would care much less. But because I'm aware that he cares, it makes me care more. I'm paranoid because he's paranoid. And frankly, I'm probably making him more paranoid because he knows I'm paranoid.

Well, I try not to let it show, actually. I act tough. :)

I feel pretty insecure. Not only about my body but about my abilities. Like my personality is not something I'm shy about, or at least it's not something I'll admit to being shy about. Though in the end it is my self-worth being questioned, the worth of presumably some type of person - thus, my personality... So I do fear especially what will reflect on my personality. I fear my own shyness because it makes me incapable of action. Inhibitions and all that good stuff.

I don't know what I fear. I shouldn't be afraid of James. He is one of the most nonthreatening people I know. But perhaps problematic because of his own issues. I feel like if I wanted to, I could become close to him. But I feel like because of his issues, I can't expect him to want to be close to me. Thus, I have to keep my distance for him - which only feeds my fear. Caution, it feeds my paranoia.

I'm so fucking excited to see him. He's precious.

I'm starting to get possessive though. The more delightful I find him (and incidentally the more sexy I find him... mmm..) the more I feel I could not bear to share him. I know, he's not even mine. That's what worries me.

Oh no. I have that possessive sexual mindset that Anastasia warned about! That's what an extremely tan, smooth neck makes a girl want to do. I don't know for how long I want to possess him. I mean, nothing lasts forever. But, right now, I've got almost nothing. I do get to wrap my arms around him, sometimes. Usually he's the one wrapping his arms around me. I can only hope it gives him as much satisfaction as it gives me. But I try not to think about it. My confidence and self-worth is not feeling very high lately.

Which I suspect is nothing new, it's only been resurfaced after pushing it out of my mind for many lifetimes. So I'm glad to be finally acknowledging it. I can't conquer a mysterious enemy. I have to face it, understand it, grow from it.

Though it's tough having such high hopes for yourself.. a relationship is only as strong as its weakest partner. You can put your all into growing and becoming a healthier individual - which will strengthen your relationships, becoming happier and more at peace. But it only takes one person to disrupt a relationship.

I'd like to magnetize strong individuals. But it's hard. As a psychologist-type, you see unhealthiness everywhere. Because that's what you do, is open your eyes to that in the psyche which stands out because it's counterproductive. At least, that's my interpretation of psychology. I'm not quite sure what the hell psychologists do. But what I'm trying to say is, I'm gonna see it if someone is imperfect, and isn't everybody here on earth imperfect, thus, the point of being here on earth?

Many people have found me absolutely impossible and hopeless. And yet, I'm completely not. I'm very productive and willing to change and grow. You have to give someone a chance. Because if you judge them by their imperfections, well, imperfections are ugly, that's nothing new. But the best of someone will not be found within their imperfections, of course.

That's what I told my mom. I probably made an entry about it, I don't remember. But she told me that she thought I would be alone forever because I had absolutely no compassion and it was impossible for me to get along with people. I think I mentioned that in a previous entry. In any case, I told her flat out that my entire life she had been my arch nemesis, and that the last person you would want to ask about my healthiest, most enjoyable qualities, would be her. If you wanted to ask about my worst qualities, she knows better than anybody else. But if you ask her to describe me, in general, she's going to have a biased description, she simply hasn't gotten to even WITNESS the best sides of me.

Though at that point I decided to bring my dad in because he has witness my most mature, productive, spiritual and philosophical self. All that I'm putting into my book, really. But he likes to stay out of family disputes and he was mostly bothered we came, so he ended up telling me that I was unwilling to change and blah blah blah. But at that point I could see that he was not observing me unbiased, or that he had misinterpreted something along the way because that was completely ridiculous of him to say. The whole premise of my entire book - which I've outlined for him - is that the universe, reality, perception, and manifestations within your life revolve, represent or reflect your mindset. It's not only what you SEE within reality but what you MANIFEST within reality based on your mindset, where your consciousness is at.

I think the entire purpose of life is to realize your responsibility, your power, your divine right and purpose to express your will power, to create. I don't think that we're a victim to a single thing but ourselves. I don't think that God makes the world turn, or anything else. I don't believe in fate or destiny or God expressing control over the universe. I don't believe in Mother Nature's own system, except how it reflects the mass consciousness.

The entire premise is based on the fact that WE are in control, thus, it is us who needs to open our eyes and realize that everything is in our hands. Everything about the psychology and the spiritual self is a product of free will. And thus, everything we manifest within our lives, within our experiences, within our perception and even within the world we live in is a product of our free will.

Any single thing that you're dissatisfied with is a product of your free will. We pretend it's not. We even pretend that it may be a product of our subconscious, but our subconscious is even out of our control.

In any case, relating to what my dad said... I told him that I could not prove to Amelia that she should have faith in me. In fact, with this car thing, I HAVE given her sufficient evidence. I have never put her life in danger. I have never come close to getting into an accident. She complains that I'm too cautious of a driver, even. That I don't make snap judgments. But it's not that I don't have fast reflexes. I couldn't say if I would unless I got in an accident. But I don't make snap decisions that will cause me to get in an accident. Okay, I have like three times. But I remember each time because I feel immensely guilty at my error. ...

In any case, I realize that Amelia's perception of me is not a reflection of an objective observation at my behavior. I can do nothing to prove to her what she refuses to believe. Indeed, I have proven to her to the best of my ability. I can't babysit her, catering to her paranoia. She needs to independently choose to have faith in me.

This came from when I wanted to move in with her and she said she couldn't trust me to pay rent. Or basically she just couldn't trust me. Which basically meant that she didn't want to live with me. Which we've both decided is fine.

But my dad said that I was unwilling to change because I would not cater to Amelia's paranoia. That I was not doing enough to prove to her that I was responsible. I go, "tomorrow I will call Starbucks and get this job thing going so that I can start having a steady income." and he says that's not enough. That's not enough to prove that I'm making responsible decisions.

Well, what the hell is then? It's not like I can prove to her overnight that I can hold a steady job for a year. Right? I have to start somewhere, but the fact that I started at all is proof to Amelia that I'm willing to be responsible and make this work.

But I know also that it's NOT my responsibility to change Amelia's perception. In fact, I can do no such thing. It's impossible. In Amelia is an attitude. Not an observation, an attitude. Of mistrust. Which I believe to be at least in part, a reflection of the fact that she has rigorous self-discipline and I'm a free spirit. She feels that if anybody doesn't have rigorous self-discipline that things won't go right for them.

I can't be like her. I can't be like her and make things in my life work.

But I mean, my parents told me that I wouldn't be able to get good grades in College. Because I didn't get good grades in high school. And I said, I didn't get good grades in high school because I couldn't. I didn't get good grades in high school because I didn't want to. And I want to in college. And I've gotten in A in every class but that stupid Figure Drawing class.

Drawing class. Aw, too bad I got a D in that class. Which is incidentally still passing.

The point is, I don't need to prove that I can get good grades. I don't need a track record to prove that I have the potential for something. People look at where I've failed and assume that it is where I will fail in the future. But to me, life is about change. It's about recognizing your weaknesses and your unhealthy aspects and ridding yourself of them. Because you are a product of your free will, thus your unhealthy aspects are a product of your free will. THUS, the easiest, most pleasant and quickest way to rid yourself of that which you don't want, is to rid yourself of that which you don't want.

And that's exactly what I do. I am a product of my free will, at any moment. And the best that I can do is analyze what it is, what logic is prompting me to be what I am. Which is why I have to uncover what logic is behind my self-worth issues. What is it that I think is logical about loathing myself? And why do I then take it to the conclusion that it's logical to be afraid, to be shy, to hide from people?

And my dad, who should know me better than anyone except Amelia - who is lost in her bias - says that I'm unwilling to change.

I laugh. I'm not even offended. I just laugh. How biased he is. Because he is not objectively getting that sense from me. There's no way he's reading that from me. In fact, it's entirely backwards. Because if the premise is that we EACH need to change to make things work, then Amelia should not be looking outside of herself for change, she should not be expecting me to change to adhere to her weaknesses.

So how does it even make sense that I should be changing for Amelia? I should be changing to make things better for myself, and she should be changing to make things better for herself.

And if being responsible when I'm responsible, even if I'm irresponsible while I'm irresponsible, is not enough to show her that I have the potential to be responsible? I can do nothing about it. She'll see what she wants to see. And I can only do my best.

Tangent, I know.

You want to hold people in the limitations of their flaws, especially when that's all you know. But that just isn't all there is to know about people. You can't judge someone's potential from their delinquency or bad behavior. You can't know what someone is like on their best days just from observing their worst days.

So I really couldn't say, could I? It's not for me to judge that some don't have that potential.

Yeah, this was all about me wanting to magnetize healthy people. I guess I'll have to just very subjectively say, that I want people whose unhealthy tendencies don't particularly conflict with mine. Or perhaps, don't reflect my own. :) Except, I'm okay with James reflecting my unhealthy tendencies.

It's difficult, I mean, we both want the other to make all the moves and do all the work. How the hell will anything get done?

But that's the challenge for both of us. If we both want anything to get done, one of us has to give. Or hopefully both of us will cooperate with each other.

It's his ex - Liz's birthday today. It's probably not the best day to have sex with James. I'm going with him up to his mom's house which is a couple hours away. But Andrew will be there tonight and I have the rest of the weekend to have sex with him. :)

I wonder if he'd like to spite Liz by having sex with someone else on her birthday.

Sometimes he doesn't seem to be malicious in that way.

But I know that to a certain extent he does power plays. So I reminded him that I was going up on Friday and he said I'll see you there, because presumably I was going to drive myself. but I don't know his address. And he said, I'll see you there like... hahahahaha you can't get there without my address.

So I said I would follow Andrew's car. And he said Andrew might not be coming. But then I remembered that I had sent him a postcard from Peru, and he gave me his address. Which I expected to be stashed in my lj, where I keep all excess junk like that. So I told him I had his address, so that I wouldn't have to beg him to give it to me, like he expected.

Although when I looked around June of 2006 I couldn't find it. So I myspace messaged his little sister and asked her for it. :) yesss. She gave it to me, but shortly after that James asked if I just wanted to tail behind him. And then he asked if I was only staying for a night or the whole weekend and I said if he wanted me to stay for the whole weekend I could just be driven by him.

I wanted to give him space, so that he knew if he needed me to leave that I could. Andrew leaves at noon on Sat and I wanted to have some time alone with James, cause nothing will ever happen while Andrew is in the room blabbing like last weekend. Although, ironically, the most that's physically ever happened did happen while Andrew was in the room. But it couldn't progress at that point, although it should have. IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN GATEWAY PHYSICAL CONTACT. I'm not entirely sure why it wasn't.

But I guess he's okay with spending the weekend with me. :) That's such a delightfully comforting thought. Because I am so damn okay with spending the weekend with him. I always have been, I think. But you can't spend the weekend with someone when they're not okay with it. It's nice to have him finally okay with it. It was so annoying wanting to do so many things but telling myself no because I knew he didn't want to.

So now I don't need to mapquest his address cause I'm driving with him. Even though I now have his address memorized. It's really easy. I think I even still have his area code memorized.

I want to sit on his lap. Except I'm afraid to squish him because we weigh like the same. And I'm fatter. He's got more muscle but on his arms, not his legs.

I think one of us was a mother to the other in a past life. Whenever I'm around him my stomach starts hurting. Nurturance deficiency. That's what a stomach ache has always meant for me. But I'm not sure it's mine. I thought maybe he had it with his mother. But then I realized it was probably more likely that he had it with me, I was probably his mother. Or he was my mother and I need it from him. Which would make sense since I'm the one who has always wanted his affection. He's the one who has mostly ignored my attempts.

Honestly, James and I are making progress. Progress towards what, I don't know. I actually think that were romantically closer than sexually closer. Not what I would have expected. We haven't talked about it, we have talked about having sex, but not dating. I'm not sure what he wants out of a relationship.

It seems kind of the same thing as I had. Stuck on Mike, even though he wasn't much good to me, deluding myself into thinking it was the past course. I can imagine what psychological reasons James would have for wanting to stay with Liz, though I can't know for sure, he probably doesn't know either. It's up to him to decide he's open to something new. He has clearly not been open to something new for like five years...

And Liz has had probably that many more boyfriends, if not more during that time. Even if she occasionally sleeps with James.

In any case,

So, I was writing this huge 20 pg entry about the other day with James and the boys, but then near the end I realized that it was probably too personal to post publicly. Most of it wasn't, but the part where I realized it was personal was personal. So I decided to make it a draft. And as soon as I decided that, though I kept writing cause I had more to say, my writing style changed.

Kind of interesting. That's what I don't like about writing with the intention to make a draft. I say things differently. But I think I also have more structure out of fear and pride when I write to an audience. Like I have to say things that stimulate an image of me that I want to keep and I also have to keep the balance of humility, and over-humility because I have this habit of feeling that everybody finds me worthless so I feel that I always have to have a balance of good and bad when speaking of myself, always have to check myself, because if I'm too proud or too happy or too confident or I express that someone likes me, I feel like I'm subject to error. So I always say things in a very detached way. Like I never express positive things about myself without detaching them to some extent and contrasting them with negative things.

I also say things in a ... story. Like I have a purpose, some idea that I begin the entry trying to portray. But I tell a whole bunch of details on the way. And I keep going with a thesis in mind. A thesis for each paragraph. Always trying to say things in an efficient and philosophical way. Not formal, per se. It's informal. But it has the purpose prose. As I'm doing now with this paragraph and the one before it and the one before it. Like I need a point to the story I tell.

But as soon as I made a draft, I stopped that point and I just told the emotional details as they were, with no point. It felt weird.

I just thought it was interesting because I was writing for like two hours straight with an audience in mind, and then as soon as the audience disappeared it was a very noticeable change. Though I do prefer the audience way better... even if it's slightly unhealthy. I think I make things more entertaining with an audience. I feel like things are all mushy and I have nothing good to say when I'm writing to myself. What's the point anyway? I already know everything? I have to write with explanations. I think that's what the purpose of the paragraphs are. To tell people a story, to explain something, to explain my analysis, my relevance of the situation.

Even if I say something completely random, I pretty much then say "I just thought it was interesting." like I have for this entry. I like to have more of an intellectual spin on it, rather than an emotional outlet or preference.

Feelin kind of dissatisfied today. Unsettled. I'm not sure why. I've got this thing with Starbuck's up in the air. I'd really rather not have a job in many respects, but since my parents are moving soon, I'm going to be moving out and I plan, at this point, to live on my own. Amelia doesn't want to live with me. So I need to start getting a steady income and see what I can make of it.

I've called every week for the past month. Pam said she'd call me when my background check results were in but she hasn't. I've talked to two other managers, one said he would leave a message for Pam to call me since my results were in. But she hasn't. I didn't call today because my dad is putting in a new bathtub and I didn't want Pam to ask me to come in today if I couldn't take a shower. I haven't washed my hair since Saturday. Which is more a mental anxiety than a physical anxiety. I like to feel clean. Otherwise I'm uncomfortable.

I also didn't want to call because I plan to go to James's this weekend. His mom's house, in Hoosick. And I don't want to have to tell them no, if they ask me to work. It's been obnoxious, trying not to make too many plans, knowing that at any day I may be asked to work, restricted from doing all these things I want to do. And I especially want this weekend to happen. But I've got to get this job thing going..

And it's been annoying that they HAVEN'T asked me to work.

I was doing well with the enthusiasm, but I feel nervous today about people. I haven't really talked to anyone lately. Well, except James and Andrew. I did ask Maegan if she wanted to hang out but she's in Wyoming. But in any case, I feel anxious and rejected about Pam not calling.. and uncertain about having human contact.

I was doing fine the other day with James. He came over and spent the night, my parents were camping and Isis was here so it was perfect. Nothing happened, unfortunately. I couldn't tell if he was actually sending signals that he didn't want to have sex or if I was reading signals because I wanted an excuse not to have to make a move. But he did seem to keep his distance from my body, or be turned away from me more often than not. Except when we slept and he had his arm around me. It's become customary. :p

So the next morning Andrew asked if we wanted to come over to his house. He wanted to come over to mine that night but James didn't want him to. Andrew has recently broken up with his gf and he's all heartbroken, so he wants to be around people and take his mind off of things. Sad stuff.

So we went to Subway and hung out at Andrew's for a while. Then we drove to Andrew's work to pick up money and James's work to pick up money and back to James's house and hung out with Justin for a bit.

James is such an innocent. He was sitting on Justin's bed and he asked if I wanted to sit down, since I was the only one standing. So I pointed to his lap and I asked if I could sit there. He thought I meant where he was sitting so he scoots over so I can sit there. Which was actually moving towards me, which I thought could mean he was moving towards me so I could sit on his lap, but I had a feeling it wasn't clear what I meant so I pointed to his lap again and asked if I could sit there and he said, You want to sit here? And I said yes, so he moved back to his original spot.

I didn't mind because a minute later his dad came in and that would have been slightly awkward. I dunno, he's 19, but he doesn't seem to want to open that door. Piss his parents off that way or something. Hard to explain. I think it's partly because they nag a lot. His dad's gf, who lives there, does.

In any case, like five minutes later, after I had sat down next to Andrew because James didn't get the picture about me wanting to sit in his lap, I said something about him not letting me sit in his lap and he finally got it and he was like, what? you asked to sit in my lap?

Ha. So maybe he'll be quicker to get it next time. I'm afraid to squish him anyway. He weighs as much as me.

So we took Andrew's car to Walmart. He's a crazy driver, speeds and shows off and does not turn nicely. I feared for my life a lot. No, I'm serious. I kept picturing accidents in my head. Because it was raining so the ground was wet and I didn't trust that the car would be able to gracefully move in such hasty movements without slipping. Yeah, I sounded to Andrew the way Amelia sounds with me.

Only I swear I was justified. I felt like a hypocrite but I swear I was justified. He was not following simple rules.

Later on James went 80 in a 45. Am I not to be afraid? Damn teenage boys showing off. But it was strange too, because Stephanie's fiance did the same thing. 60 in a 30. And either he wasn't paying attention over and over again, or he didn't care. And I was sitting there like urrrrrrg, just on edge, waiting for a cop to pull us over. But they never did. And although I think James is anxious about it too, the way he is with his parents, not wanting to cross them... Andrew and Jason were just so relaxed about it. So free from conceptualizing the consequences. It was a bit intriguing. That reckless freedom.

Andrew has this way of not understanding when people are annoyed or bothered. James seems more sensitive to it. When I'm at his house he doesn't want to piss his parents off and Andrew's like "they don't care, do whatever". lol. And I think Andrew just doesn't comprehend when people are bothered, and James is too sensitive to it.

Like me, I tell James that my parents do care that he sleeps over, but that I don't care that they care. In other words, I'm conscious of what pisses them off, but I fight it, because I want to do what I want, not what they want for their illogical reasons. It's hard for me to comprehend people who are 19 years old and are still calling their parents when they stay out too late. Like that one time with Kristen and Kyle.

Anyway, Justin, James, Andrew and I drove to Walmart. God. They listen to heavy metal/screamo type music. It is the most unpleasant thing I can comprehend experiencing. Sort of. 20 minutes of that, or perhaps 15 with Andrew's driving, and I got out of the car with my heart beating the wrong way. You know what I mean? Like the music just bashes at the rhythm of your heart and it just scrambles it so much that your heart can't feel its own rhythm. How any of these guys breathe at all amazes me. But I know from experience that some people are more sensitive than others. And some people think the effects are cool, even if they can feel them.

I just felt that it was extremely spiritually unhealthy. I never want to do that again. But James knows that it bothers me, so I don't think he would put me through that so intensely. Like blaringly, the way Andrew did it. He knows I don't like it too because of that time we went to the mall and I made James turn it off because I wanted to die, right then and there. It was so terrible.

Some of the music I can stand, but the screaming is just awful. If they sung, in an unsatanic way, I could deal.

It was kind of interesting being with them though. Because there were different dynamics than I'm used to. They feed off of each other's energy. So they act differently than if I'm with any of them alone or whatever. Boys will be boys, you know. And I'm not used to being around teenage boys when they're acting out in that way.

Every once in a while I would say things and none of them would respond or look at me and that kind of bugged me. :) I don't like to be ignored. And I couldn't relate to them. It makes me feel very female, knowing that I could just never act the way they did. If I had to explain it, I would say it was chaos. Just like the music. Which is probably one of the things that pushes them into that energy. Because you come away from that music and your whole system is in chaos, and then you express that chaos the way they do.

So James didn't buy that vibrating ring. I really want to try those.. He did buy me gum though. But I left it at his house. We went to BK afterwards. I didn't plan to get anything because its gross. But Justin was ordering his food and he wanted to buy me something so I ordered a double cheeseburger. Which I usually order but they put mustard on it this time and it was really gross. I guess I usually order it at McDonald's. In any case, then James ordered and I asked him to get me a Dr. Pepper. And then Andrew ordered and I asked him to get me fries. So they each got to be cavalier. You know, guys like buying girls things. It would have been unfair of me to only let one of them have that pleasure. :)

I was smiling my ass off. They knew the girl behind the counter from school or something and there wasn't anybody else there so it had a more friendly atmosphere. I guess I felt taken care of. I had forgotten my purse at Andrew's house, because I didn't know that we would eventually be going to Walmart or BK, not that I would have had any money with me, because PAM WON'T CALL ME. But they all individually had money and took care of me. It was really sweet.

And Justin also kept holding my door for me, he wouldn't let me open it for myself. Although after BK, in the car, he started to be really abusive. Really mean. They all kind of have that. Like they can all be really sweet, and then contrast it by being really mean. Like they'll randomly call me a whore and I'm like wtf? I didn't even do anything.

But I don't really get offended. I think it's part of that boyish energy they have. James calls all girls "bitches". And he calls me a slut sometimes. It actually makes me laugh. I think because he's sooo not the cocky male type that would normally call a female a bitch or a slut in a derogatory and condescending manner. He just does not emit that type of "I think I'm better than women" attitude. Even when his language says it. Like one time he left me a myspace pic comment saying that he would bang my mouth if he could. And normally, I would get so pissed if a guy said that to me. But it just makes me laugh when he does it.

I think the reason I don't get offended is that I feel it's a show. That James and Justin, especially, do it for show. Andrew doesn't, he has this weird attitude that he gives me sometimes, where he just crosses me and he gets all defensive. Like his attitude changes in a second. I hesitate in describing it because it's so very Andrew and it can't be put into words. I just feel like I can't say very much to him because he'll get offended. Probably what other people feel like with me. It's weird.

So Andrew can be really sweet and caring, but I feel like he's so willing to get mad at me. And he probably does have a lot of suppressed anger and aggression. He gets mad and he tries suffocating me with a pillow. Like he's not serious about hurting me, but he also doesn't care if he hurts me. I can't explain it without taking the Andrew quality out of it. I really don't like guys who will hurt women. Because physically, I can't defend myself. I will stand up to a guy, but I don't have the physical strength to defend myself in that manner. I didn't like that when I poked or slapped my brother, he would do it back. Because his pokes and slaps were obviously harder than mine and the fact that he was so tit for tat with me, when it wasn't tit for tat because mine was ten times less hard, was just a huge annoyance. Makes me glad he's in Utah right now.

Justin did the same thing at my house, he tapped my cheek a couple times just to be a punk. Ha! Luckily, I caught him off guard minutes later and I gave him probably the biggest slap I've ever given a guy. Except that one time with Eddie, I can't remember which was harder cause Eddie's was so long ago. It was awesome. But then I ran and hid behind James because I felt, just as I had with my brother, that he would get me back harder than I had got him.

But a few minutes later Andrew put his arms under my arms and pulled them up and Justin slapped my bare stomach. I almost don't remember what happened because it happened so fast. All I know is it hurt my arms. :( Damn them. I was actually more embarrassed about my stomach because I still have the spotty scars under the skin. I don't think any of them noticed because they were too distracted by my screams. And that's exactly why I screamed. :p

But Andrew can be rather nice. He likes to give and make women - I assume, comfortable. In fact, after Mike and I broke up, a myspace survey asked me what was the sweetest thing a guy had ever done for me. I'd just had five or six months with Mike and I couldn't think of a damn thing. So I wrote that the one time Andrew held my heavy backpack on the way to the park was the sweetest thing a guy had done for me. Mike is too selfish to be sweet. He's an idiot. I like my new friends better.

Justin hasn't been my friend because he was dating Kayla and Kayla hated me because she was jealous that Mike gave me all his attention and not her. She thought that I was forcing Mike to ignore her. When, now that I think about it, I could never force Mike to do anything. I dominated him emotionally, because I had the stronger character. But I could never make him go somewhere he didn't want to or do something he didn't want to or stop doing something he did want to. He didn't care about pleasing me, I think. I was controlling in the sense that I tried to emotionally dominate him. And I nagged, of course. But I didn't really control him that much.

James is probably less sweet than the other two, but less mean as well. Like he stays more consistent, instead of having such huge extremes. He does call me a bitch or a slut but he says it in such a quiet voice, it's barely audible. And although I can't fully understand the psychology, I don't feel threatened when he does it. I tell him I don't like it every single time, because why would I let someone call me a bitch? But it doesn't hurt me or make me defensive.

I actually think that being with Liz so long, sort of under her control, because he wasn't involved with anybody else and she was so hot and cold after they broke up, sleeping with him but being with a lot of other guys and the like... that he has probably built up this defensive attitude toward women. In the sense that, he calls them bitches and sluts in a casual manner to sort of equal the playing field. I know that a lot of other guys do it, but they do it in a much more disrespectful manner. James is just so timid, in general, that it's impossible to offend me.

Besides, I use logic. Like, for some teenage boy reason, Andrew and James kept talking about sticking large things up my vagina. I think they were implying that a lot could fit up there, which was completely illogical, which abusive language tends to be. But later on I told James that it's pretty dumb to talk shit on the very vagina he's trying to get with. I used the example, you don't call a chick ugly when you're trying to get with her. It seems kind of silly. If you really thought her an ugly bitch, why would you want to be with her? You flatter and idealize what you want to attain. Make it seem ten times better than it really is. Not insult it.

I make Andrew and James seem just awful in my descriptions. :p I really don't think they are. It bothers me when Andrew crosses me. Like we can't be together for too long without getting into an argument. Butting heads. And it surprises me for his personality. It comes unexpectedly. But otherwise he's alright. Justin I will say crossed the line. To go from holding the door for me to calling me a whore. I thought it extremely uncalled for. But I don't know him that well. However, he has already treated me like shit. He called me Satan along with Mike and his friends after we broke up and he took me off his myspace. So I forgive less easily. Although I didn't engage in it. I just ignored it.

So we drove home from BK and they were just off the fucking roof. It was not silent for the next hour. Like I said, they feed off of each other. When it's just me and James, I say things occasionally, he keeps silent. When it's me, James and Andrew, Andrew just babbles on and on about this and that, and we keep silent. But this time, all three of them were random, immature, abusive, loud, maniacal. They were like five year old boys running around getting into everything. Just that uncontrollable boyish energy. We were driving home, and we drove around Coxsackie, cause I guess they didn't want to go home. I don't remember them playing the music, which is good. But it was still so freakin loud, not a second's peace, because every time one of them would shut up, another would open his mouth.

I couldn't tell you what they said. Random things, obnoxious and immature. My stomach hurt from all my Dr. Pepper and I laid down in the back seat. James put his arm sort of around me and I thought that was sweet of him. Ugh. Makes me want to kiss him. In any case, while I was laying down, I couldn't see where we were but they kept describing things. Mostly "bitches" who were ugly. lol. I don't know. Teenage boys, what can you do? Andrew and Justin are barely 18.

I probably haven't witnessed this king of behavior since Mike and Joe. They were wild too, but more in a break the law, vandalize things manner. Which has gotten them more arrests than Justin, James and Andrew.

And yes, James joined in too. Which is kind of surprising. Since generally he's quiet. But apparently he can be immature and boyish too. It was fascinating to witness though. Loose canons. Though a small car isn't the best place for loose canons.

Pretty much nothing James can do except ignore me, makes me like him less, though. :p infatuation can ignore anything. Which is why I'm disliking Mike so much. Like I think of him and I'm like wtf? He is the last person in the world I could ever like or respect. Because I've finally realized I don't need him anymore, that I deserve better, that he won't be the only one in my life to accept me. Which, of course, he didn't even do, really.

Anyway, something about spending the night with James and then going out with them made me feel closer to him. But in a very teenage way. Like I don't feel a teenager when I'm with him, but being with the three of them made me feel very teenage. So I felt that James and I had that mystery and intrigue of a teenage romance. Like we were going to make out at a party. And making out is really badass. :p

I think because when I'm with them, I feel closest to James. And I told them about almost having sex with Mike in the graveyard and so when Andrew drove through another graveyard I suggested James and I have sex on one of the stones. It's just so casual and normal for me to express that about James in front of everybody. Like it's not a surprise, although Justin might have thought it was.

I can't even remember the chronology because we drove all around that day. We went to my house for a while to play with Isis outside, but I didn't really want Isis to witness that kind of energy and behavior. It was the only time I really resented it. Probably why I was so willing to slap Justin. My next door neighbor was having her graduation party. Justin and James had been invited. Destiny, who has hung out with James a little bit, during the nine months he wasn't talking to me, drove up with Kyle's sister. So of course they came to say hello. James is currently not talking to her, the way he wasn't talking to me. He says she's weird. I don't know her but I read her myspace comments and she was really vulgar. It was not attractive. I don't particularly like Kelly either, my neighbor. She came over for 20 seconds.

They had to come in my yard. It was kind of interesting. Cause I knew Destiny would be jealous that James was with me. And of course, they were having a party next door, which I wasn't invited to. But then again, I had the advantage. They both had to come into MY yard to talk to the guys. And you kind of feel like when there's 30 people next door swimming in a pool, you've still got the better hand when you're standing next to James.

Destiny is a bit annoying. But I can kind of see myself in her situation with James. And that annoys me too. Unrequited infatuation. And him ignoring it.

Although, at this point, that isn't my situation. :) So I can at least be happy about that.

Isis is really shy. Justin sat down in the car with her and she hung her head low, avoiding eye contact. It's so submissive it hurts to witness. So I put my hand under her chin and pulled her head back up and told her that she had nothing to be afraid of, he wasn't superior to her, she was just as worthy as him, to look him in the eye. She does that with all strangers, but as I said, I was slightly resentful towards Justin's behavior and I couldn't stand Isis being submissive to that.

Usually when Isis does it I just hold her and joke about how everybody she's afraid of is a huge, scary monster.

Isis is at a babysitter's now. Since Amelia will be moving out now she got a 9-5 job and got a 9-5 babysitter. Now I'll only have potentially two or three hours for 4 days a week to see Isis. If she's even home at that time. If I'm not working at that time, or out with my friends. I cried when Amelia told me. It hurts that Isis isn't mine. You know? Like you realize how she's really Amelia's kid. She's lived in my house for most of her life, she's felt more like a sister than a distant relation. But not I'm sulky, I don't really want to see her. I feel like the lines have been blurred, I don't know my relationship to her, I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about her. I don't know if my needs of her are unhealthy. Like I feel ashamed of how I feel about her. Like I have no right to be possessive of her.

It's another reason why - back to the original topic - I feel a little off. She's missing in an unsettling way. But aside from my selfish reasoning, it's probably productive and normal for Amelia to get a job and for Isis to spend time with other people aside from her family, probably other kids too. It was actually rather interesting, she came home from the babysitter's for the first time yesterday. And she was really different.

She was very, very, very loud. Very confident and brave. In a sense, she often is. But like this time, she yelled across the yard at my neighbor's dog. She yelled "DOGGIE". She was pretty much bouncing off the walls. And yelling all over the streets. And I think what most got me was, it wasn't like she was yelling for her mom or grandma. She was yelling to strangers (or a strange dog at least). She's always been interested in that dog, but has never spoken to it. I was just standing around and it was like she didn't need me. I guess I usually comfort her and stand by her side, hold her, etc. In that sense, as I said, I have felt like her mother rather as much as Amelia has. And the way a mother feels a little weird when she realizes that her child is beginning to become independent and not need her anymore - sort of empty, I felt that way. She didn't really even look at me or talk to me. She just went around the front yard with all this boisterous energy, such confident and brave energy. Like she was ready to conquer anything, even the dark that always barks next door.

And since she has these shy problems, this is probably beneficial for her. To spend all day with strangers. Heartbreaking for me, in some ways, but that's why the lines are blurred. Because I know that what I want has no relevance in her life. What Amelia wants does, because Isis chose to be born to Amelia, born to her decisions and life choices. But what's best for the both of them has nothing to do with me. They don't need me, and I don't really have any reason to be in their life.

And I guess that hurts because I'm crying. I've kind of shut Isis out because I'm sulking. Because I don't want to have to find an inbetween. And this is probably fueled by a past life or two because my mom told me once that I had karma with Isis, which means that I presumably have had a past life with her.

Anyway, back to James. Someone I can be attached to? I don't know yet. It's kind of funny though, from being around Andrew, I realize what needs to be done. The way that Andrew doesn't realize when people are bothered, he doesn't realize when he's talking too much or being annoying or when he's not wanted. So he always invites himself over. I don't find him annoying, and he is essentially James's best friend. But James always says things about Andrew annoying everybody and not wanting him around. Andrew just invites himself all over the place.

So he invited himself over to James's mom's house this weekend. And I was like, wow, that's how you do it. So after pouting every single time they mentioned it for a half an hour, James finally said I could come over too if I wanted. And I realized that I really should stop waiting for James to ask me over and just invite myself like Andrew. Although personally I'd prefer being wanted over. But James doesn't know what he wants. :p

I jest.

You can't go wrong, really. I'm driving myself the whole two hours there. Though I need the address for mapquest. It's really silly though, James, Andrew and I are each taking our car up there. Andrew has to come back early to work. And I wouldn't ask James to drive me because that means that he's stuck with me for the entire weekend. Although his little sister will be there so I can give him some space and play with her. But I want him to know that if he needs me to leave on Saturday that I can drive home.

Although... I'd reeeeally like to have sex finally. And we can't exactly do that while Andrew is hanging around chatting up a storm. :( So that's why I'm not going to go in Andrew's car, because then I'll be there only when Andrew is there.

I would say that I hope James is still willing to let me come. But as I said, you just gotta be like Andrew in invite yourself. I won't even ask him if I can still come. I'll tell him I'm coming. :p

Though now that I let him feel me up, I feel like he'll want me there more. Andrew says that's a whorish statement. I told him that it's not whorish unless I'm saying it about many guys. Otherwise it's the exact same thing as a lover would say. Although James and I haven't professed love, only sex. Though it's not whorish to agree to have sex with a friend. He's not using me anymore than I'm using him.

Andrew says, BUT YOU GUYS HAVEN'T HAD SEX SO YOU'RE NOT FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS, YOU'RE JUST CLOSE FRIENDS. And we almost butted heads over that. He seemed to feel the need to put me in my place. I can't call James my lover just because we cuddle and he feels my boobs and we PLAN to have sex. And I was very offended, because I feel close to James in a way that I never have and Andrew is just calling us friends. And to me, friends is unstable. I've been friends with James and he dropped me like an old hat. On the day that he bought a new one. Except he hadn't even replaced me, he just didn't need me anymore.

In any case, we all drove to James and Justin's house after my house. Justin went to his room. Andrew and James were doing whatever. I fell asleep on his bed for like 30 seconds. Cause we'd had very little sleep the night before. James woke me up, he was right in my face, I loved it extremely. I wanted to put my arms around his neck and hug him but I didn't dare so I only put one arm around him. They said they were going back to Andrew's to get his laptop so I got up.

James had left his dad's truck at Andrew's so he planned to drive that back. And Andrew didn't want to be responsible for driving me home later so James took me to my house and let me get my car. So we all drove back to James's independently. Though Andrew took longer because he was giving somebody from work a ride home. It was such a nice quiet ride without the guys. Funny, too, because my car is very loud. But compared to the guys, it was so peaceful and soft. I loved it.

Somehow James and I ended up cuddling on his bed before Andrew came. And I took off my shirt because in that feminist way I really think it's unfair that a guy can go around topless when he's hot and a female can't. I don't do it because usually I'm in public or around my brother and that's just a bad idea. And I wouldn't do it around my guy friends because a girl takes off her shirt and it's suddenly a sexually stimulated situation. But since James and I already have that sexually stimulated atmosphere, it seems like a good opportunity to use my right to go topless. Though I turned out the light and hid under the covers. :p just like the last time I did it when I slept over at his house.

Andrew came back. He likes to tell me that it's no big deal, he's already seen my boobs. Which irritates me, because he hasn't. And he always acts like it's so casual to see me naked, like I'm practically his sister. But I stayed topless and was pretty much confined to the bed. Though Andrew says he saw my side boob. And now he's going to repeat another 20 times that he's already seen my boobs and it's no big deal.

Finally James felt me up. You have no idea how frozen we've been with each other. Always really close but so inhibited from expressing any sexual or romantic desire. I don't know if he has any romantic desire to express, because obviously he doesn't express it. But since neither of us express anything, I'm left to wonder what exactly he's not expressing.

I feel like there is interest, but I don't know how much. I don't think he's in love with me, he's been so attached to Liz that it's a huge step for him to consider becoming intimate with anybody else. I don't think any other girl has tried to have sex with him, so he hasn't had an opportunity to do that, but she would have to be making all the moves. :p

It was nice though. I was leaning on James and he was giving me a neck and shoulder massage.

I don't know why I'm shy about my boobs. I think because of what I said before, you kind of go along with the energy of the context. When you're expected to be brave, you do it. Or sometimes when you're expected to be a coward, you defy it. But when you just have that helpless shy atmosphere, you go along with it. When I was with John, freakin... I was so not shy. Not in the least bit about my boobs. In general, I've been more comfortable with my boobs than any other part of my body. Even my face. Or something mundane like my arms. :\

And James has told me ever since day one that he likes small boobs. He's never said anything other than that. John, however, probably likes bigger boobs. Lyla has fairly big boobs. But I wasn't self-conscious with John and I was with James. It might be that James is sexier than John. You feel like you have to be sexier too, when you're with someone gorgeous.

But I wanted to shrivel up and die when he had his hand on my boob. I felt like nothing was there. I've been feeling kind of like that lately. I should stop being so self-conscious about it with them.

He jumped up because he thought that his dad or his dad's girlfriend had come upstairs and he didn't want to be caught with his hand on my boob. And he really never came back. He snuggled with me a little bit and it was so extremely sexy to be against his gorgeous, tan neck. Though I almost kissed it but didn't. But then he got up to see something Jon wanted to show up and when he came back, he sat at his computer and started playing WOW. And he pretty much ignored me for the next half hour. Neither of them said a thing to me, they just played WOW. So I got bored, and needless to say, annoyed. And I went home. I sarcastically told James not to miss me too much and he gave me one of his looks, kind of like I was insulting him by saying so. But it was true.

So I got home and started to talk to Andrew on aim, because he was the only one of the two signed on. And I asked him if my boobs were too small and he said that they weren't, that their size fit my personality and my body type. It was nice of him to reassure me. He must have told James, which I almost wanted him to do, but also preferred he didn't. I didn't want to let James know that I felt inadequate. But I also wanted James to be reminded of me, because he had been ignoring me. So Andrew telling him would be that reminder.

So the next day, out of the blue, James texted me and told me that he wouldn't want my boobs any bigger, that they're nice the way they are. It was really sweet to soothe my fears.

I was so nervous. So nervous that I couldn't even feel how fantastic it was to have his body against mine. It was just such the perfect opportunity to kiss. So expected, like there was nothing else to do. But now I was the one turning away. I did not want him to kiss me because I was so nervous. Part of that teenage atmosphere perhaps? I didn't want to be an inexperienced teenager sneaking around with her boyfriend.

It was easier to put his hand on my boob. But I was also offended. Cause he always warns me that he's gonna get hard. Like he said that if we cuddled in the junior tent, he would get hard. But he didn't. And he said if he saw my boobs, he would get hard. But he didn't. I think partly because he doesn't want to, because he's embarrassed, that's why he always warns me. But I don't think it's anything to be warned about. I like it. :\

But it also made me feel even more inadequate. Like I let him feel my boobs and instead of getting hard he ends up ignoring me to play WOW. Which, could also be because he was shy and he knew that nothing could even progress with Andrew in the room. Maybe it was awkward for him. I'm not sure. I just wanted to be back in his arms. And I had to pee but he didn't want me to go downstairs because then his parents would tell me to leave since he had work in the morning. Andrew was just like heyyyyyyy they don't care. It was only midnight when I finally left. Not bad at all. I would have stayed longer if James had paid any attention to me. I went and sat down next to him but he kept ignoring me. Then I even let him sit on my lap cause there was only one chair but he was heavy and crushing my full bladder so I got up and left soon after that.

I actually felt bad, cause I was kind of mad, so I said bye to Andrew and Jon and James wanted to walk me out, probably because Jon had walked Shannon to her car and they mentioned that it was sweet of him. So James offered to walk me to the door but I was mad so I ignored him. And then I closed the door because I thought he would open it up and come downstairs and go pee, as he said he had to. But he didn't and I turned around and he looked sort of sadly through the window like he was hurt I wasn't even going to say bye. So I said bye. I feel sad that he expressed something nice and I shut the door in his face. I regret doing that. But I was already hurt that he was ignoring me.

Not that he doesn't warn me that he'll ignore me for WOW all the time and I always say I don't care. Which is why I couldn't complain. And besides that, they hadn't been listening all day, they had periodically ignored me so I kind of just accepted it, instead of tried to make them give me attention when they didn't want to. I couldn't relax with the full bladder, and it made me more turned on, so I couldn't sleep and all I wanted to do was cuddle. So I was happy to leave even though I wanted to be around him some more. But I knew I was dodging only more irritation and hurt by leaving.

I can't wait to see him.... I'm so hopelessly infatuated. I just adore him so completely.

And it's so funny... I'm so giddy. I feel very silly and even foolish with this smile on my face. But there it is. It's like a weight has been lifted. A huge weight, that I've carried my entire life. And although it will continue to be work, I believe that I've made progress. Perhaps I had yet to recognize that I've made progress. But not I believe it. And it has definitely lifted my spirits.

So, my sister Stephanie has come today. My nephews came a day or two ago but she didn't come until today and she's leaving tomorrow. I have obviously harbored some resentment for her, I kept thinking that it was good she wasn't here because blah blah blah. But at the same time, there's some masochism in it, in the sense that, you almost Want to be around people you don't like. Partly for victim and blame reasons but also partly because you want those issues to be stimulated, you want an opportunity to be tested.

At Andrew's party, James came and he brought someone with him. I thought it was Jon, because of the clothes he was wearing. And I was like UGGHH, why did he bring Jon??! But then James came over and I asked him why he brought Jon and he said he had brought Justin, not Jon. And I was actually disappointed. Like I didn't want him to be there, but I kind of wanted the situation where I was forced to be around him.

Actually, I have realized I do not have a problem with him. Not that I like him or admire him or want to be around him. But I don't hate him, he doesn't bother me. The things that bothered me about him before were partly about Shannon, because we had a love triangle for a while there, and partly because of a quality that Shannon pointed out to me that I grew to resent even after Shannon and I were no longer friends.

In any case, it was the same with Stephanie. I expected her to come and I was like blahdjhsjrhkdjfs. But then I heard she wasn't coming until a few days later and then only staying for one day and I was disappointed.

But it's better to have no anxiety in life. To rest assured that you will be able to keep your peace and your security in any situation. So perhaps the fact that I feared being around her was the reason I knew I had to be around her.

So she came today and I was a little nervous, I took a shower before I said hello and then I went out and I gave her a hug. I was happy to see her. She seemed happy to see me.

But that's to be expected. Because she's always been my idol. And that's why I've always resented her so much, because when your idol falls off of her pedestal, well, the higher up you are, the harder you fall. I often resent people I admire, especially when I feel like they don't accept me.

The problem is, when the resentment is gone, I go back to admiring and neither are healthy. I think the reason you need your idol to fall off the pedestal is that you can't go around believing that there are people better than you. There are those who go around hating themselves because they believe people are better than them and then there are those who have idols. They don't necessarily feel bad by identifying that someone is better than them. However, they do get into an adoring role. Where it's like a celebrity and a fan club. In actuality, there are people who are in fan clubs and adore celebrities. And it's almost like they've allowed themselves to be in a demeaning role, a subversive role - where their entire purpose is just to adore.

And I think that we need to have a healthy, balanced, equal perspective of who we are in regards to someone else. We can't think that we're better than anyone else and we can't think that anybody else is better than us. As we are one with God, there really isn't any superiority or inferiority.

And I know that if I go back to adoring her in that way, that it will only make me be a pong ball yet again, bouncing to the opposite extreme. And I'll resent her again.

I was fine all day, but also nervous. I wanted to look beautiful, I wanted her to see my tie dye shirt because I know she's getting into a hippie phase. I wanted to be validated, in short. I was worried about what she'd think here and there, there and here. Conscious of how she would perceive things at any time.

I think I was okay most of the day because I felt reassured that she would accept me. I liked what I was wearing, I liked my hair, my beauty, I liked what I was saying, my role with Isis.

She did sit by me at the dinner table. Which, for ten spots and I was the first one to sit down, it was odd that she should pick the one right next to me. And then we went to Olana, but we had to take two cars because the van can only old nine people and we made ten people. I thought I might leave early to go pick James up anyway, but he did one of those I'm-going-to-hang-out-with-you-tomorrow ......................
And then nothing. Because he's just not responding to my text messages all day. Love it.

:)

So, anyway, she decided to go in my car, her and her fiance. He said I was a fine driver, I warned them about my driving. I felt confident though. Because I've been working with these issues with my driving. And I know that next time someone tells me I'm a bad driver, I'll be able to keep my peace. I know that I can no longer expect anyone else to validate me, that I need to know what I know no matter what anyone tries to convince me. I drove carefully, I've never put anyone in danger in the first place, but I didn't take any - what they would call - risks. Because when people are not in the driver's seat, they need to trust you, they need to know that when you go fast around a corner, you are in control, you know what you're doing. They don't know what you're doing. So they panic. They feel that it's a dangerous situation. And that's natural.

But the idea is that you trust the person you're with, that you have faith in their ability. Naturally, they never have had faith in my abilities because Amelia was the first person to ever drive with me, she drove with me when I didn't know how to drive. And I'm not good with my hands and my reflexes the way I am with speaking and intellectual activities. In other words, Amelia had seen me very mature and wise and smart - in contrast to my helplessness when it came to driving. And it took me a long time to learn. And I think she never lost that. You know? I got better, but her confidence in me never grew. And to her, I'm still that helpless person. She's actually convinced that I'm incorrigible, that I can't learn how to drive. Which to me, is a ridiculous assumption, how can I be a hopeless driver? I think that the world is at your feet, that you can do anything you want to do. I know that I don't want to be an Olympic runner. That's why I'm not. But if I did truly want to be an Olympic runner, I could.

How she can presume that I'm a hopeless case is beyond me. But I think she wants me to be bad because she's good at driving and she wants to have a talent that I don't have. Because I have talents that she doesn't have. Of course, she's awesome at drawing - a talent I always wanted to have. We each have our fortes. But she feels that she's lacking, for not having my talents. And she has probably resented me or felt inferior to me because of that.

In any case, I think somehow, the more you try to convince someone of something, the more they are convinced of the opposite. Especially with me. I think people feel that I argue when I'm in the wrong. They almost assume right away that if I'm trying to convince them of something, that I'm really only trying to convince myself. Which could be true. Except, now, when I'm not even arguing or panicking, they still assume that it's the same situation. I come into their room and I say things in a calm voice, right. They ignore me or don't believe me or leave or whatever. I start getting really agitated and my temper flares. Things climax in a negative way and they complain that if I only came to them in a nice way and didn't start yelling at them or blaming them that they would listen.

It's happened so many times that I know, I seriously know, that I have come into the room in a very controlled, calm, mature, peaceful voice. And they've ignored me. Which makes me yell, irony of irony. And then they pretend like they have a good excuse not to listen, when they didn't intend to listen in the first place.

But that's a different story and frankly, an active volcano. I haven't quite resolved the issues that go along with that, although I've been trying.

In any case, I know that I have to believe what I believe. And that it's the most powerful method. Because not only does believing something to be true manifest it to be true, but honestly, people have confidence in those who have confidence in themselves.

I mean, you drive around panicking all the time or going "oops" every few minutes or reacting ditzy or anxious while you drive and people are not going to trust you. They're reading your signs and going, well, okay, if you say you don't know what you're doing, that must mean that you don't know what you're doing.

The problem is, I like to be balanced. I like to have confidence, but I like to be aware of in what area I'm lacking. I like to know what I'm good at, but I like to know what I'm bad at. And when I drive, I admit to my flaws. I believe that I'm a good driver, of course, but I talk about my driving while I'm driving. I love to talk about my speed and my turns and my decisions and the other drivers. I like to analyze aloud. I love having conversations about my analyzes.

I just have to break up that paragraph to say that I keep finding ninjas in my bed. :)

So anyway, the problem is that I don't feel that when I admit to where I'm lacking, that it means that I'm completely out of control. I feel that I can admit my flaws without saying that I'm a bad person. I feel that I can admit to making mistakes without saying that I'm not in control and that I don't have faith in my abilities.

But they don't know that. They feel that I'm telling them that I don't know what I'm doing. I kind of like to say the worst-case scenario. I like to say the exaggerated worst-case scenario. To test myself, to see if I can handle the worst-case. So that I won't be disappointed or bothered if there's any negative scenario. So I don't have to be afraid of any negative scenario. So sometimes I say things that are way more negative than the truth is.

And sometimes I say it to other people, partly because I have issues with my self-worth. It's like, I'm afraid that people will identify bad qualities about me. And I feel safer when I identify the qualities for them. So I like to say the worst-case scenario so that I've exaggerated so much that I cover any negative thing they could possibly identify, as well as make light of the situation. Because when you exaggerate, you show proportion. It's like measuring that what negative quality you really possess is nothing compared to this huge exaggerated quality that you've brought to their attention.

I was actually surprised that my brother was smart. Because he dropped out a long time ago and he has had a lot of trouble with school, with learning the information and such. So although I never really thought him dumb, I did think him ill-equipped in certain areas. I knew he was very good with mechanical things, computers and working with his hands. But in any case, I was kind of surprised that he was smart. But I also realized that he was smart in comparison to the fact that I originally was given the idea that he was a complete moron. I mean, he failed his grades so many times before he dropped out after like 8th grade. So in comparison to that, he was pretty smart. But in comparison to very intellectual people, he isn't very impressive. Not that he's dumb, obviously. But not impressive either.

It's kind of the same thing with exaggerated your negative qualities. You've given them something horrendous to think about, and you know that instead of comparing your negative qualities to their high expectations, you've given them something that will make you look good in comparison. It'll be a relief to have such a small negative quality.

So, for instance, when I'm driving somewhere with Amelia, I always tell her that I have absolutely no idea where I'm going. When, I do actually know at least half of the time where I'm going. But if I claim to know where I'm going and then she sees that I'm lost or I'm missing turns, I'll look worse than if I claim I don't know where I'm going, but I make a few right turns and accept help where needed.

But, because of her own assumptions on the situation, she takes my exaggerated form of things to be literal observations and pretends like they fuel her untrust in my abilities.

Yeah, I just made up that word, untrust. What other word could I use?

So this is all that's going on under the surface as I'm driving along with Stephanie and Jason. I told them exaggerated versions of what the others thought, which Jason thought was funny. Stephanie actually already thought I was a bad driver. Last year when she came I had my permit, I had never driven on the thruway before and she was the one to teach me for the first time. I was also driving a standard so there was more pressure. And she was putting down both Amelia and I, a lot, in the first place. So it's like Amelia wanting me to be a bad driver so that she can have her own special talent. Stephanie had her own reasons for believing me to be a bad driver.

The fact that I didn't know what I was doing, because it was the first time, was her justification for putting me down. Actually, after she convinced my mom to let her drive a few days later when I was driving on the thruway again in the van, she did terrible. You should have seen her in this one intersection. But the point it, she already thought me a bad driver. And she brought it up again today, she said, I remember the last time you drove, that was pretty bad. I don't remember it being as bad as when she drove, but I didn't say that. Because I know that I don't need her to believe that I'm a good driver. And I also know that she said it because she was willing to give me an opportunity to be a good driver. I had my permit last time we drove and I have been driving for a year since then, so, naturally, I'll be better than before. And I am.

I told them both that I stay in my lane, I don't speed, I don't make fast, jerky movements or jumpy decisions. Even when I drift out of my lane, I drift right back in, instead of jerk. So what's the problem?

Stephanie didn't have any complaints, but she didn't compliment me either. She just sat silent. Jason was in the front seat on the way there and she was in the front seat on the way back. I could interpret her silence to mean that she disapproved. Sometimes people do that. But if she is staying silent, it means that she doesn't want to conflict with me. And that's fine, because I don't want to conflict with her. And she's allowed to believe me to be a bad driver. And I need to know that I have the freedom to make decisions that I see fit. Because I do have confidence in my ability to drive. I know that it's not generally my forte, working with my hands and my reflexes. I'm not a mechanical person, I'm a mental person. Funny sentence.

I think that people will always have their issues independently of you. But you sometimes stimulate them, you offer yourself as a scapegoat. You know that they'll blame you for their issues. But I wasn't doing it to be nice. I was doing it because I had that mentality, that scapegoat mentality. That I was to blame. And so I not only stimulated their issues with other qualities but I then brought that energy on myself by my scapegoat mentality, and they then stimulated my issues. Which very often does bring resentment and blame on my part. Which can then be traced back to what kind of energy they're magnetizing. lol. Yes, it just keeps going back and forth.

I think, I loved Stephanie so, so, so much that any flaw she had destroyed me. At least, it threatened my love for her. I think I need to love her unconditionally. Fake boobs and all. I need to respect her unconditionally. I don't like the fake boobs, of course. But you don't focus on the negative. I think that's exactly what I said Amelia shouldn't be doing with me. She saw my inability to drive when I was incapable of driving - as many people are the first time they drive, and she put it in some tree sap. You know how tree sap uh, what's the word, fossilized? crystallizes? whatever it is. She keeps is stuck in the same context, the same moment, permanently.

The point of life is not to identify flaws like they're a permanent fixture. We allow that people grow and get better, that they heal and learn. Amelia needs to allow that I have learned and will continue to get better at driving. I need to understand that Stephanie's negative qualities or bad decisions (in my opinion), are, even so, not always going to be that way. I have to allow for the option that she will grow away from her negative qualities. Just as I have done many, many times. Healed and grown. And will continue to do so.

Why should I resent what I don't want anyone else to resent of me? And that's just it. I used to believe that I could be blamed for my negative qualities. And that's why I believed that others should be blamed for their negative qualities. But, see, Cameron is a lot like me. My nephew. And I have not enjoyed it. I didn't exactly like him. But I recognized that the reason I didn't like him is because he reminded me of myself, my own issues. And I think accepting him, talking about it today with Stephanie and my dad, I opened a door of forgiveness.

I didn't want to be around Cameron because he reminded me of these issues I don't want to be reminded of. But these issues I've already been working with for the past year or couple years and I'm making good progress, healing wounds that I'm tired of being a victim to. And being able to talk about it, to figure it all out, to understand Cameron and understand myself in the process, was acknowledging what I previously didn't want to be reminded of. And in doing so I realized that I no longer have to fear those issues. That I know that I've made a lot of progress, just even in the past couple of days - realizing that I have to surrender control with James. If I hadn't realized that a few days ago, this conversation today about Cameron might have been a lot different.

I don't have to fear the fear. The way they say you have nothing to fear but fear itself. I no longer have to fear the fear because I know that it doesn't have control of me. That I have more power independent of fear, and that I no longer have to be a victim to what I've been a victim to in the past.

So in doing that, I've learned that I can forgive Stephanie her flaws. But I had to make sure that I didn't swing to the other side of the pong pendulum. If you get my meaning. That I wouldn't put her back on the pedestal. That I can love her, but not adoringly the way I've done in the past.

I don't want to be like her. That's good. It's good that in her presence, I prefer to be me. Because you are who you choose to be and if you're not your own preference, well, that doesn't even make sense. That just means you're making the wrong choice.

I do have self-worth.

I've realized that there's a distinction between trying to manipulate the situation, and expressing the truth of the situation. I mean, the truth is, it makes me angry and hurt when he doesn't respond. Right? But I don't like being forthright about that, so instead, I use my emotions to manipulate the situation - such as acting like I don't care, or ignoring him, or whatever it is that I do in order to get a response, the response that I'm looking for. That's manipulation. That's me trying to force him to respond so that I can get what will appease the initial anger and hurt.

That's what's wrong. But I also can't deny how I feel. I need to express how I feel. Express it to him, because while I should not presume to believe that I have the right to tell him how to act, I do have the right to express how his actions make me feel. I have to stop expecting to make him do what I want him to do without letting him know that I want him to do it, and why.

I also have to express it to myself. Instead of trying to manipulate the external situation to appease my emotions I have to let them be expressed so that I know how I feel, instead of try to manipulate the emotions or hide them or suppress them or appease them, I have to let them run their course so that I can understand where they're coming from. Then I can RESOLVE what I would otherwise merely appease for the time being.

This is killing me, facing my demons, so to speak. Such anxiety. And the thing is, it's not about putting yourself on the line and seeing that there are people you can trust. No, no. It's about putting yourself on the line and seeing that when someone doesn't give you your way, you'll survive.

It's hard knowing someone and not being able to control them. I always try to control my situations, and part of the reason I haven't spent a lot of time with people is that after Mike, the person I wanted to control most of all, I just didn't have any motivation to care enough to control anyone else. So when I was around them, I'd just retreat into the space in my head. And I did that more and more, and then I dropped out. I still talked to people, but I didn't feel them. There was always a distance between me and them.

It's like, when you have a best friend and your lives are interwoven, you know that what they do will affect your life. You're connected in that way. I knew that none of these people could affect my life. That they were peripheral friends. And aside from Amelia, I didn't have anyone there who I could trust. I was still affected by people, but mostly people I didn't like. And that was hard, of course. Because it was always bad.

This stuff with James is so out of my control. And I go through all these options in my head - should I never speak to him again? should I ignore him? should I be angry or resentful towards him? should I play it sad and pouty? should I punish him? should I pretend I don't care? should I express that I do care?

But in all of these options, I'm trying to make the most decisive decision. I'm trying to choose the one with the most power, that will tip the scale in my favor, so that I'm in control again. And I know that it's just not going to be that way.

But I also have to learn that it's not a control or be controlled situation. I can't control the situation with him. He will and should do what he needs to do. I need to know that whatever decision HE makes, I'll be okay. In other words, I need to be in control but not of him, not of the external circumstances. I need to be in control of the internal circumstances. So that I'm not laying my heart in his hands, nor am I trying to make him conform to my wishes.

I need to get to the point where no matter what decision he makes, I still have inner peace.

It's just, I always think, well, I can do this, I can make changes. But to me, they feel like changes I should make while being friends with him. In other words, I can change my attitude while he's in my life... but I still expect him to be in my life. And when he's not, it brings turmoil all over again.

My goal seems to be to make this work between us. Not to make things work independently of James. And that's what makes it all the harder. Is that the greater purpose of James is to help me overcome my demons. Not to have a happy little life. Which most likely means I won't have a happy little life with him. And that's exactly what I want. That's exactly what I'm aiming for.

At least I'm aiming for some stability. I haven't aimed so much for romance as I have for friendship, for stability. But stability is dependent upon his choices. And that's exactly what I can't be dependent upon.

This is proving to be harder than I thought. This purging of my fear with people. I need to start believing that James likes me. That he can and has no reason not to like me. He doesn't have to. But why should I sit here providing reasons why he shouldn't? I should be sitting here providing reasons that he should. If I'm timid with my good attributes because I don't want them to be rejected and then all I do is focus on my bad attributes, how do I expect this to become anything but a bad experience?

I need to stop feeling so damn apologetic. Like I have anything to apologize for! I always tell people that the word "annoyed" is a verb. And "annoying" is not a quality. You can't BE annoying. Because you need someone to perceive it, and feel annoyed. You are who you are and some people will find it obnoxious and some people will find it charming. I think the annoyed emotion is closer to home than we think. We feel like it originates in the annoying person, like it's an inherent quality and we have no choice but to acknowledge it for what it is. But that's not how it is.

I have and show all the admirable qualities. Positive, accepting, fair, fun, just, kind, smart, playful, spunky, easy-going, conversational, curious, compassionate, honest, mature.

I try to be everything I'd admire in someone else. I know that it can be annoying to have someone like me around. Because I contrast bad qualities. Not that I don't have my own but what good qualities I have, contrast bad qualities that others have. And I know that my own expectations are felt by others. As I said, the annoyance originates with them.

And of course, there are times that I'm difficult, stubborn, mean, uncooperative, selfish, controlling, demanding. :) But I try. My goal in life is not just to be whatever I feel the impulse to be. I don't have all my good qualities because I was born with them. I have them because I chose to feel and act this way. Not everyone appreciates it. Not everyone admires it. But I admire it. I'm glad that I'm someone I can respect. That I'm someone I'm not ashamed to be. I'm glad that I feel harmoniously more than I feel chaotic. I'm glad that I'm not afraid to push the chaos out when I get sick of it.

I know that people who don't like themselves, feel that anyone who does like themselves is automatically arrogant. They feel that because they need someone else to validate their personality, that it must mean that everyone else needs them to validate their personality.

James may not like me. But I know that I don't need him to validate my personality, my good qualities. I don't need him to tell me that I have good qualities. Because I already know my worth.

My qualities don't make me better than anyone, of course. There's a fine line between recognizing your worth and taking pride in it. I hope I don't fall prey to the latter.

I have to stop being afraid that he won't like me. Because I know that even if he doesn't, I'll still be someone I admire. I'll still be someone with worth. And I'll have many more opportunities to connect with other people who will, no doubt, connect with me better than James ever could. Right now, James is a good option. But life brings changes and changes bring new connections, new people. When I need new options, I'll have them. I won't be stuck, abandoned, unloved.

I don't have to panic and feel like this is my one and only chance.

Insignificant. So, so, insignificant.

Is it my ego hurt or my feelings?

That's an excellent question. And I don't know the answer.

Jocelyn,





Mar 26 2008 8:46 PM

you know what i miss?

I miss driving around with you and andrew with no destination.
I miss you inviting me over to andrew's house before he does.
I miss texting you for the better part of the day.
I miss going to walmart late at night with you and andrew.
I miss talking to you til 4 in the morning.
I miss when we would chill all the time.
I miss getting thrown around everywhere by andrew and you.
I miss having you randomly take off your pants.
I miss falling asleep on you.

the good ol' times.
=[

now you don't even care that willis ran away.

Hi jealousy. It's making my face burn. I'm embarrassed that I'm jealous, I guess. Or embarrassed that I was going along thinking I had nothing to be jealous about and then it was like BAM, hey wait, you DO have something to be jealous about. That's what I'm probably embarrassed about. And mad, cause I'm not allowed to be jealous and perhaps if I was, I wouldn't have anything to be jealous about.

And scared. For my feelings. jifewjkflds.

I have been thinking about Mike a lot lately. But I do that when I'm interested in new people. I want to tell them about Mike. Maybe its that urge to reach closure on my baggage before I get with someone. Like not closure for myself but closure in the sense that I want them to know what happened and why it happened.

Which is stupid. And I don't even know if that's the reason.

In any case, this time it's about James. Cause now that I've opened up that emotional portal and I've also decided to have sex with him, I'm really insecure. Insecure that it won't happen. Because every single close call I've had to hooking up with someone, having sex, getting into a romantic relationship... has been just that, a close call.

I feel like it's so close. Maybe not a relationship, but at least sex. And yet, so far because I know that this "so close" feeling means nothing.

So why would this make me think of Mike? Well part of it is that I brought up sex with James, in order to explain why it went so wrong between Mike and I. And whenever I tell a story to someone in real life, I walk away telling the story over and over again in my head, recalling all the details. Telling myself all the things that I hadn't thought to say to them when I had the chance but wish I did.

And Mike had in his survey that he'd slept with a lot of girls and it bothers me. Not possessiveness, I wouldn't even say jealousy of him. More like, jealousy that he's had that opportunity to have sex with so many other people. And I've had nothing but his crappy sex for my memories. Mad at him for being so show offey about his sex, when he sucked so much for what sex he had with me. Like I want it to be acknowledged that he sucks, but I feel like he doesn't acknowledge it and now it'll be washed away by all the other girls.

And that's partly why I keep going over it in my head, acknowledging why it went wrong. Wishing I had explained it all to James when I had the chance.

But I think it's also that Mike was the only guy who accepted me in that way, for so long. And so when I think of these close calls, and realize that they're probably going to be close calls again, it kind of makes me nostalgic for the relationship I had with Mike. So now, I'm listening to songs and they all remind me of what it was like after the break up. And how I was attached for him for so long after. Not because of him, cause surely he's an idiot and I don't need HIM. But I need what he gave me, which nobody else has given me.

Perhaps I've focused on him within the past couple of years, perhaps I couldn't even think of dating anyone else after we broke up because I felt that he was the only one who would or could accept me. And I wanted THAT back more than anything. Willing even to put up with his bullshit, and especially ignore it in my fantasies.

I mean, I've had a dream about him like once or twice a month since we broke up. I never knew exactly what it symbolized but I think it symbolizes this acceptance issue. This reason I'm magnetizing people who won't accept me instead of people who will. Because of the way I feel about myself.

These self-worth issues that I really, seriously need to be purged of. I don't need Mike. He doesn't even accept me anymore, so what the hell could he give me? He wasn't my only chance at being accepted. He wasn't my only chance at being close to someone.

My mom told me that she was afraid I'd be alone forever and that I'd never get married. She thinks I have no compassion and it's impossible for me to get along with people.

Maybe she needed to say that so I could say, hey, wait a minute, that's NOT TRUE. That's ridiculous. But maybe underneath it all, I was afraid of the same things. Afraid that I would be alone. It's so easily happened thus far.

I have to start believing that I deserve people who can accept me, instead of use me as the scape goat I've volunteered myself as. I don't need people to resent me or hate me.

I've been worrying like hell all day about James. Just obsessing. It's not been pretty. I shouldn't have to do this. Even if James doesn't work out, why am I so worried I won't find anyone else? I'm beautiful, smart, charming. I know this, and a lot of other people recognize it as well.

It's like I believe that I have some revolting quality that repels them. But the only quality I have that repels them is the fact that I believe I have a quality that repels them. You magnetize what you believe. It's not that I'm MAKING other people leave me or dislike me. I mean, clearly, John has his own issues. But why am I forced to have people like John as my boyfriend choice and no one sane? Because I'm magnetizing people like John, people who illustrate what I'm already sending out to the universe.

I need to send out more positive messages. And people like John will find someone else to take out their insanity on.

Status: Zoinks! [Your] Lissa. was a sucker for the sane moments and now has to endure the insanity. Yesterday.

John says:
what i said to you earlier, about you going and doing what you wanted, i meant it, i love lyla, shes my best friend, i like you
John says:
i dont want to date you anymore

MNM says:
promise me you'll never want to date me again.
MNM says:
promise me you'll never want to kiss me again.

John says:
haha
John says:
are you serious

MNM says:
yes.
MNM says:
promise me in such a way that if you ever flirt with me again I can remind you of this promise.

John says:
i promise. 8o)
John says:
you can just show me that face

For the record, I'm not sure I handled that the best way I could. I said I wouldn't fight because then that makes someone ultimately the loser. I shouldn't have argued with him about who is right and who is wrong. But it's hard not to when someone tells you that you feel or act negatively towards them when you don't.

It is a catch-22. When someone establishes that you're to blame and that they hate you because you always think you're right and you make them feel like shit.

To disagree with that, you're trying to prove that the statement is wrong, which makes you only further prove that their statement is right that you always need to be right. And then they feel like shit because you're saying things to prove them wrong within your statement.

It's really just a stupid situation. You have to give me that, it's a difficult situation. I wanted him to know that I think he's equal. But if believe that I didn't think he's equal and then I tell him that I did, I'm proving him wrong, proving that his opinion was wrong. And that makes him feel like he's not equal.

I didn't intend to have a whole long conversation. I didn't intend to put him into a defensive situation so he would say all the stupid things that I hate to have to hear him say. Because then I'm forced to dislike it, to dislike his hypocrisy. To dislike his lies. I'm forced to dislike his lies. And they reflect on him. And then I don't think he's equal, then I can't respect him.

I truly do believe that he's projecting his own perception.

But I think in dealing with him, I'm making a hypocrisy of my own statements. Instead of trying to convince someone of something you should just send out love, send out positive energy. But now he's said so many ridiculous things I can't bare to send out love, to forgive him.

I try to be friends with him. I enjoy it. I enjoy his sanity. I just can't bare that he always has to bring his lies into the situation. Anything I say he disagrees with. If I tell him that he doesn't care, he says he does. If I tell him that he does care, he says he doesn't. If I tell him that he doesn't care but he thinks he does, he tells me he doesn't and why can't I understand that?

I do. But every time I do, you tell me that you actually do want to date me. Every time I believe that you're in love with Lyla, you end up telling me that you want to break up with her to go out with me. And every time I'm cautious and I tell you that you're still attracted to me, you tell me that you're not because you love Lyla immensely.

I try to believe you, John. I try to trust you and respect your decisions and opinions.

I try to trust and care for you.

I don't think I can bare getting used by you again. BUT FUCK. Every single time I call him on it, he acts like I'm an idiot for not realizing that he has absolutely no sexual interest in me and he would never do that to his gf.

Every single time I try to call him on it he denies it in the most sincere voice he can. You can't make someone in denial admit that they're in denial. And when someone so sincerely tries to convince you that they don't have feelings for you, you're going to sound a fool trying to convince them otherwise. So you don't. You just accept it.

He just will not admit the truth. It's weird it's like, no matter the situation, he's always earnestly trying to make himself believe the biggest lie possible. Like he only tells me he loves Lyla dearly when he's trying to convince me that he has no sexual attraction to me. And then when we're just friends, he tries to convince himself that he would do anything to break up with Lyla and be with me, until he realizes that it could become reality and then he's trying his hardest to make himself believe that he loves Lyla more than anything and never will speak to me again. Until he's safely with her and then he starts trying to make himself believe that he secretly loves me. Which makes him talk to me again but he has to play it cool so he tries to make me believe that it's not about romance or sexual interest it's pure friendship and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with Lyla.

Like there is no reality for him. Which, is true for everybody but they try to keep a consistent lie at least, not go around in cycles of nonsense.

I don't hate him for it. I just don't know how to make this a sane situation when it's so clearly not. I can't make this make sense, I can't make anything good come from this. I can't keep this under control, when he so quickly screws it up over and over and over again. He flirts with me until I call him on it and then he denies that he has feelings for me until he can admit to it on his own time, until I remind him of his gf and then he disagrees (with me, and conveniently forgets what he's just said) that he has feelings for me until I start believing it and then he has to prove he loves me again.

What can I do with this? What can I make out of it? I can't make a friendship, I can't make a relationship? I can't make anything normal or consistent or healthy or pleasurable for us both. It's all just nonsense.

In all its splendor.

MNM says:
I know that you're busy but I thought you should know that wanting to be right all the time doesn't necessarily mean that you want everybody else to be wrong all the time. I do want to be right. Jeezus, who doesn't? But I know, also, that two people can both be right even when they're contradicting each other. I don't want everybody else to be the loser while I'm the winner. I would prefer equality. I would prefer to have respect for everybody else. But they have to have self-respect. Something I can't give them.

John says:
theres no room for equality when i talk to you, and when you realize im right, you stop talking and say you have to go, so either way i lose
John says:
i dont want to talk to someone who makes me feel stupid everytime we speak

MNM says:
You know what the problem is with being a psychologist?

John says:
what.

MNM says:
You're the one (not the only) person who can help people. But if you're the problem, no solutions you offer will be taken, because you're already the enemy.
MNM says:
If I tell you that you're wrong, that I do want equality. That I don't want to push you down and make you feel inferior. You'll think that I'm just trying to be right, that I'm just trying to put you down and make you feel inferior.
MNM says:
You already resent me. And nothing I can do can make it any better because you'll only resent my actions and perceive them negatively.

John says:
because there is zero compromise with you

MNM says:
It has never been my intent to make you feel like shit. If I have done anything of the kind, it has only been in fear of myself, in trying to protect myself.

John says:
you cant agree to disagree
John says:
ive tride just letting myself go and talking to you, letting my "walls" down and just seeing how things go, and when i did that, at first it was fine, then you started making me feel stupid, so i went back to how i did in the summer, quiet and sullen, as you put it, and you didnt like that, so again i tried and again you put me down, so its like no matter what i do its a lose lose

MNM says:
I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.
MNM says:
I don't remember ever specifically insulting you.

John says:
its not like you flat out called me a stupid asshole, just the comments you make, the way you talk to me, you just make me feel like anything i say is stupid

MNM says:
That's not my fault.
MNM says:
Do you think it's your fault that it hurts me when you mock me? When you call me immature and say that the things I retort are grade school?
MNM says:
Was your intent to make me feel like shit when you said those things?

John says:
you make it seem like im just being mean when i mock you, if you cant laugh at yourself then that isnt my fault, you take everything i say personally

MNM says:
RIGHT BACK AT YOU
MNM says:
You make it seem like I'm out to ridicule you. If you don't believe that you're equal to me, it isn't my fault.
MNM says:
I treat you like you're equal to me.
MNM says:
I respect you.

John says:
its not the same thing, i know you hold yourself to believe that your at a higher knowledge then me

MNM says:
And if you take everything I say to mean the opposite, there's nothing I can do.
MNM says:
I don't think I have higher knowledge than you. I don't even care to have knowledge.
MNM says:
And yes, I do think I'm spiritually mature and wise. I never said I was more wise than you, nor have I ever gotten pleasure in the idea. If you want to be spiritually wise, all the power to you. But I'm not gonna pretend to NOT be spiritually wise just because your standards are lower.
MNM says:
And if you think you're spiritually wise, I'm not going to disagree. You don't need to compare yourself to me.
MNM says:
Nobody has to be more or better, unless of course, YOU WANT to be more or better.

John says:
i dont compare myself to you

MNM says:
I don't compare myself to you either.
MNM says:
So what's the problem?

John says:
just forget it

MNM says:
If that's what you want, then I will.

John says:
i dont want to keep talking about it, we arent going to get anywhere, there wont be any common ground and we are going to keep going back and forth, you know what makes me mad, or upset, so when you asked me earlier if i would want to know if you had sex, what do you honestly think i would say to you?
John says:
i just want you to answer that last part

MNM says:
I honestly wanted to know. I wanted to know if you would prefer me to lie to you.
MNM says:
Because I don't prefer lying, even if it hurts.
MNM says:
And the truth is, you have sex, and I'm not your girlfriend. I can have sex too.

John says:
no, i dont want to know what you wanted to know, i want to know what you really think i would have said to you
John says:
before i gave you my answer

MNM says:
If I knew what you wanted, I wouldn't have asked the question.
MNM says:
That's the point of a question.
MNM says:
And lately, you've not given me the time of day, so I didn't really think you cared.
MNM says:
And you said it, you don't care.

John says:
stop bullshitting me melissa, you know i dont want to fucking know, you know it fucking bothers me, you know i dont want to hear about it, so wtf.

MNM says:
Well, for the record, I feel like a lie from holding it back. From not telling you that I've hung out with James, for not being honest, for trying to hide things that will hurt you.
MNM says:
But if that's you want, I'll do it.
MNM says:
But I will not enjoy it.

John says:
so your going to have sex with james then?

MNM says:
You just said you didn't want to know!!

John says:
your going to do it right? youve already told me the plan, why not tell me with who?

MNM says:
I would have already had sex with James, the last two times I had a sleepover with him if either of us had been brave enough.
MNM says:
Instead, we just cuddled.
MNM says:
And yes, we've talked about doing it again, and taking it further.
MNM says:
Which is a good thing. Cause I don't want to be lonely for the rest of my fucking life.
MNM says:
Not all of us have year and a half relationships, John. And those who do, should not try to guilt the other people into being miserable.

John says:
whatever, i dont want you to be miserable, i dont care to know when or who you fuck either, you do whatever you want to do, i dont need to know about your personal life, thats not my business, just like mine isnt any of yours, and so you know, i would have asked you out already if you didnt have me thinking i was a fucking idiot
John says:
i wanted to go out with you, but how do you see that working out?

MNM says:
Don't lie to me again.

John says:
dont lie to you about what?

MNM says:
Let's just get this clear. I don't want to date you because you're a liar.
MNM says:
So there's no need to ask me out, or even think of breaking up with Lyla for me. Unless you were just going to try to establish two simultaneous relationships.

John says:
yep, im a big fucking liar

MNM says:
I am not going to listen to you bullshit me about how you feel once again.
MNM says:
I told you at the beginning of this friendship that you would not be able to handle it. That you'd want to cheat on lyla again. That you'd delude me and yourself again.
MNM says:
And you promised that you loved lyla more than anything and that you did not want to date me.
MNM says:
And here you are, leading me on again. And making ME feel like shit for it.

John says:
i dont want to date you, if you go up and read, you would see that i said, :I would have asked you out"

MNM says:
I don't think I did anything to keep you from asking me out. You were never going to.
MNM says:
YOU WERE NEVER GOING TO.

John says:
whatever you want your fucking brain to believe

MNM says:
Odd, how I'm deluding myself with the fact that you'll once again make out with me and go back to lyla, when you've already done it four separate times.
MNM says:
Odd, that I'm being stupid for not believing that you want to be with me more than Lyla when you've already lied to me about it four separate times.
MNM says:
Odd that you've lied to me, to Lyla, to me, to Lyla x 03894383783. AS WELL AS YOURSELF. and I can't call you on it.
MNM says:
You're the one who wants to believe its true when its not.
MNM says:
Everybody else can see reality.

John says:
no matter what i say, YOU will be right melissa, i really hate talking online, trying to explain myself, and its funny how you always wait to be online to argue with me, but when i speak to you on the phone you hang up

MNM says:
Odd, that a fifth time, you think you want to date me but it's MY FAULT you've changed your mind AGAIN.

John says:
i havent wanted to date you since the last time we hung out
John says:
i have no interest in dating you, or doing anything wtih you

MNM says:
I just wish you believed it.

John says:
believed that i dont want to date you?

MNM says:
Yes.

John says:
i do believe it, i dont want to date you melissa, but again, you will be right, so i guess i do want to date you?

MNM says:
You don't want to date me. Otherwise you would have when I gave you all of those opportunities.
MNM says:
But you keep telling yourself that it's what you want.

John says:
i dont want to date you lmfao wtf dont you get?

MNM says:
What don't YOU get, John?

John says:
dont turn it around on me, wtf dont you fucking get

MNM says:
..

John says:
yea dots, dude im gonna go

MNM says:
And for the fifth time, our friendship ends.

John says:
are you ending it

MNM says:
I don't think there's anything left in it to make me want to stay.
MNM says:
I think there has to be more love, less fear, less hate, more respect, more compassion.

John says:
i think tonight we both came to a realization, we dont want to be with each other, at least not anymore, if you dont want to be friends then whatever, thats all thats left, i honestly right now dont care what you do with other people, you can tell me, and i wont be offended
John says:
you go live your life, have relationships whatever is missing in your life, go get it, enjoy it, love it, i hope you get what you want

MNM says:
k.
MNM says:
bye.

John says:
so
John says:
we arent friends anymore
John says:
?

MNM says:
We can go back to doing what we've been doing.





WOW. Am I crazy? Did he not just say he was going to ask me out but I ruined it? And did he not then say 'I wanted to go out with you but how is that going to work because you make me feel like shit'?

And then when I said, that's bs, you always say you want to date me but you have never taken the chances I've given you and yet you still tell yourself its what you want. You refuse to admit that it's not what you want, except when it comes time to actually do it.

And he says, I don't want to date you. I haven't wanted to date you since, like, Feb, when we made out AND I WENT BACK TO LYLA. I want nothing to do with you, what don't you get?

And I want to scream, WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THAT? WHY ARE YOU SO BLIND?


In other news. Reading Jame's text where he says "hi mnms. how are you" gives me the biggest goofiest smile. It's a nice smile to have right now. It's like the smile I get when I look at Isis's pictures.

You know, a couple weeks ago, I had feelings for John too. But then he started flirting with me. And I knew that despite all he'd promised me that he did not have any feelings for me and he loved his gf more than life itself and he always wanted to be with her and he merely wanted friendship with me - none of it was true. And how can I respect or want to be with someone who can lie to themselves so openly, so ridiculously?

How can I believe anything he says when he lies to me so openly and ridiculously?

So it kind of drained away. And I can't remember if that was right before Andrew's party or right after. It was probably after. It had nothing to do with James. But talking to James again helps my resolve.