I realize that it was really sudden and cold of me to ditch Dan like that. Imagining it from his perspective, there probably were no warning signs. And I can't sum it up without sounding cliche. I just know that he can't satisfy me at this point. I want more. I've got to live.

Speaking of which. I don't know where it came from. I was really bold today. I talked a lot in every single one of my classes, and I think that I not only talked, but that I expressed myself. Not expressed the facts, but expressed myself. And I will say that I did get some opposition. I mean, if you consider that that is probably the original fear. I felt, sometimes, like I was conflicting with people in an uncomfortable way. Whether they noticed or not can't really be noticed. Except the guy I got into a heated debate with in philosophy.

He was basically saying that Buddhism formed in Asia and India because they have a lot of natural disasters and poor, overpopulated countries, so - in other words, they had no choice but be unsatisfied, so they may as well except non-attachment. Whereas, Americans are rich, materialistic, opportunistic, and have few natural disasters - apparently, so since they can get things, they should be able to want things.

I don't know. Hard to even describe it to make sense because it obviously doesn't make sense to me. Firstly, because of the origins of Buddhism. Buddha WAS rich, so why didn't he just accept this fact and be satisfied? Because he realized that attachment wasn't about what you could get. It was about the fact that no matter what you could get, you would still not be satisfied.

I think America is one of the most least satisfied country. We are miserable. Because we've formed a land of opportunity, we're used to having opportunities to get what we want, we react like a spoil child when we don't get what we want. And I think this guy wanted to fight for that. You could sense his ego. Because he was being slightly stubborn and closeminded. You could possibly say the same thing about me, except, truth is, I don't fully agree with Buddhism either.

So I wasn't defending what I believed in, personally. I was merely defending the truth about Buddhism. Which is that it is not a response to poverty and disaster. Buddha was shielded from old age, wasn't he? Like he was really sheltered. He wasn't exposed to the horror, and then became unhappy and wanted to justify it somehow by changing the rules and saying that we just shouldn't want things anymore. He had a good life, and he still came up with alternate wisdom, an alternate route, in response.

The debate kind of went off topic because it got a little personal. Like when you debate back and forth about one topic, it doesn't necessarily have to be personal. But when he would say something to prove that Buddhism was only accepted because of poverty and environment, and I would counter it. He would defend what I'd countered, and that led us on tangents.

I was surprised at how many in the class seemed to hold a western view. Why should I be surprised, I'm in fucking America. I'm in the west. My teacher never takes a position on philosophy. It's weird. He takes a position on handwriting and he talks about tests and practical matters like students being late. And he makes his opinions known. But he never voices opinions about philosophy. I have no idea what he thinks. He's Chinese, but even when he talks about the Chinese he always talks about friends who are this or that or believe this or that. Never his own practices. I don't know why.

Anyway, I don't want to recall the debate because I feel like I didn't say enough, I didn't convince him enough of the point I was trying to make about the origins of Buddhism. And he was just being stubborn anyway. It was almost like we were arguing over different things. He was maintaining that people believe what they believe to cope with environmental disasters. (even though probably 80% of the population doesn't deal with them) and I was only pointing out that although many people have accepted Buddhism because of their circumstances, the origins of Buddhism - Buddha, did not create his teachings based on environmental disasters. It's as simple as that. And he just wouldn't admit it, because he took it personally so he was defending what he believed.

The class kind of had fun with it though. They were laughing and adding things of their own, but I felt that many of them agreed with him. And that's fine. I can honestly say that most people don't have an understanding of spirituality like I do. They want to defend materialism because they grew up in this reality. They even started arguing to me that wisdom originates from environment so Buddha had to have based his teachings on environment. Which was so ridiculously empirical. And I pointed out that knowledge is based empirically, on what we experience, because that's where evidence comes in.

Metaphysical spirituality, wisdom, intuition, meditation... those do not form because of environment. Think of Brahman, think of Atman, think of the fact that the Hindus believe that we are living in an illusion. How can they take the environment and realize that it's fake and that there's more out there. How can something fake, tell you what is real? That just doesn't make sense. Of course, these students probably don't believe in any truth to the Hindu philosophies, therefore they don't feel that it's a valid point to make that wisdom can come from metaphysical sources, not physical sources - because they don't even think that this is an actual example of wisdom.

But intuition is based on an innate understanding of something you have no prior experience, preparation or learning of. At its best. Things you understand but never learned. Things you feel but never experienced. You then use intuition on the physical world. Not the other way around. And as I pointed out - because we asked which comes first, the chicken or the egg... which influenced which, did the environment (a sketchy word, by the way, hard to know what anybody meant by that) make people have concepts and ideas, or did ideas form on their own. Okay, not quite an example of the chicken or the egg.

However, if you believe in an ultimate creator, you will understand that the creation came from a sort of concept, and idea, in the supreme mind, the supreme creative power. The physical world was created through concepts. These people don't believe that because they've taken way too much retarded science classes - and I know from previous classes that this particular student does know a lot about science - they tend to be cynical, snobbish and critical of spirituality. Why is he in this class again? Let's not hold the matrix.

In any case, I believe, not from Hindus or Buddhists, that we create the physical world daily through concepts. But the concepts amass to something more unified and less quickly changed. Things happen slowly based on that mass consciousness. Not a lot of people believe in the connection between us and how the world ended up being. People think that they can physical affect the world by using hairspray, causing global warming. But they don't believe that global warming reflects, metaphorically in some ways, a particular aspect of mass consciousness. And an unhealthy one. You can't tell me that we do not have unhealthy mass consciousness, in certain ways.

We're the sem-divine creators on earth and we pretend we're not, that it's mother nature. But mother nature is kind of like karma, yes, she has a system, but who ultimately provokes the system? Who is the force behind the system? If you do good actions, your force will provoke good karma. If you do bad actions, your force will provoke bad karma. It's the same with mother nature. She reflects our consciousness. Her ability to survive, to recuperate, and to die, reflects us.

Natural disasters are created from mass consciousness. It's not as simple as being punished or being deserving. See, karma does not punish you in an objective way, like a parent who disciplines you when you're bad. Karma is linked with you, connected with you, it's the connectedness of your actions and their reactions. You can't act without force, and if you're a force, you're going to interact with other objects or forces. Therefore you will influence them, based on your strength, and power, and your intentions. Are you going to create or provoke healthy reactions? Or unhealthy reactions?

So off topic, considering I meant to be talking about Tim June this whole time. I love saying his full name cause it's so short and nobody will know what Tim I'm referring to if I just say his first name.

I had a dream about him like a week ago. Just random, we hung out in the dream or something. I can't remember now. So because of this debate, because of talking with Longley, talking about Everything That Rises Must Converge, talking again with Longley in an almost silly, girlish way - which I've never fully had with her, I've never opened up in that way. Although she's always been like that. It's sad when I think about it. I've always been slightly reserved, distanced, cold. I talk to her, but my personality is tucked away like a shy daughter hiding behind her mommy's face and the mommy speaking for her "yes, emily likes to play with ponies and she didn't want to take a nap today because she wanted to play in the rain." or something. Like there's a social translator between my personality and Longley.

So I had that and then I opened up a bit in Western Civilization although not much more than usual. Maybe a tiny bit more easily. So by the time I got to Creative writing I was pretty social. I talked to people, I talked to the teacher, I supplied answers. That's one thing I'll say, I actually can 80% of the time, give the teacher the answer they're looking for. Or maybe it's 70%, to be fair. But what I'm trying to say is that I only answer 40% of the time, even though I know the answers many other times. I just wait it out. Partly because I don't want to dominate the communication. Teachers like to hear from other students, they don't always want one person to answer.

Today I answered all I could. And I could see that Longley and Carito both looked to other people eventually, because they no longer wanted the answers from me, they wanted others to have the opportunity. Longley asked one specific girl what she thought about something, and right after she asked the question I opened my mouth to bring up my own point. It was almost like I didn't hear her or realize what she was doing until it was too late, my mouth was already open. She held me back from saying anything in a polite way and asked the girl the question again. Nothing. Silence. Not even an "I don't know." She might have asked if anybody else knew. Blank stares. A good portion of classes tend to be that way. So then she went back to me... lol.

But that's what's hard about it. Since I know all the answers, why shouldn't I say them, when many of the other students refuse - even if they, too, know the answers? I have no desire to dominate the floor, it's just hard to know how many to answer and how many to let other people answer. Sometimes if I wait too long the teacher answers themselves and then I'm like Aw man, I could have got that one right. Cause it's rewarding to know what the teachers are talking about, to understand it personally as well as to know the facts, and to be able to respond when they ask a question of me.

So surprisingly, I did have those conflicts of opposition - I felt like I was offending people. Not to say that I was, but I could feel the familiar feel of opposition, conflict. And also I felt obnoxious, like I was being too eager to answer every single question and not giving others a chance. Despite that, I still felt comfortable opening up. I still wanted to do it. And that's a breakthrough for me. Since most of the time, fear of these things I mentioned that were more or less present today, actually did happen. But it wasn't so bad, I survived.

So back to Tim. Carito puts us into groups, but she pulls Tim aside to talk about his poems, so me and Jean-Paul finished outlining the plot and I explained it to Tim when he came back to his seat. Then we were done and had nothing to do. I told Tim that he was really quiet, and he responded to that, I mean that he opened up to it. Like he didn't just give a one syllable answer, he laughed and we said a few things, including Jean-Paul and etc.

So then I got the nerve to tell Tim about my dream. And it wasn't awkward at all, on my side. He might have been embarrassed that some girl who went to his high school that he's never uttered a word to, dreams about him. And then a few minutes later I asked him if he played trombone, cause I remembered how Amelia would talk about Tim June and how he was funny during band. He seems so quiet in classes, it's hard to imagine him funny.

But since then I've added him on myspace and his pictures are very outgoing. Like you can tell that when the picture was taken he was expressing himself a lot, that he was being loud and boisterous and etc. And Kristen says he's confident and I know he has some obnoxious, outgoing friends.

In any case, I was happy to see that he had opened up a little. Cause in class he never seems to. He smiles and laughs sometimes but when he read his story he used a lot of enthusiasm and fluctuation and things in his voice. He usually reads things in a much different tone. And he hardly ever responds to other people's stories. Nor does he talk about stories in Modern Fiction.

So I kind of fell in love a little. I have this obsessive thing going on with a particular type of guy, of which Tim falls into the category. Although he seems the nicest. But, hell, I thought Dave Larkin was a sweet guy. Ugh.

In any case, Kristen and Amelia approve of him so that's good, I'm not the only one. So I wanted more. I mean, yeah, like I want to get naked with him. But there's always been this hopelessness, like these guys are out of my league, just beyond me in some way. They've never been interested in me and I never even bothered to understand why, it just made sense. Although I can't tell if they've ever had an interest in me and just kept it in or if they've never noticed me at all.

See, I'm definitely not that cocky about my looks. I know I'm good looking but I don't look in the mirror and feel like I'm enough for "hot guys." A particular brand of hot guys. I guess you could call them some form of "popular guys" but not really with all the connotations that go along with it. We didn't have very distinct groups. These guys have just never interacted with me at all. Not a rude comment. Not a nice comment. Never worked with them on a school project. Never hung out with their friends so consequently them too.

I don't know. In any case, I kind of wanted to expand on my progress today. Be fearless, try something I have honestly never tried before. Try making friends with one of these guys. He's never talked to me. But I've made conversation with him now and asked him about homework once and added him on myspace. Made an effort. And I'm deathly afraid he has no interest in being my friend. Kristen has been very encouraging, cause they're in the same grade so she knows him better than I do. Her best friend is pretty close to him. Yeah, my neighbor across the street. Hate her.

Anyway, I was talking to Kristen about it. Expanding on my fears and hopes and wishes and etc. I want him, of course. I've always wanted all of these guys in this category. But I always wanted them from afar. They were unattainable simply because we had no interaction, no way to bridge the distance, become friends. I have to admit that every single male friend and half of the female friends I've had have been interested in me romantically and sexually. To be honest, I am a femme fatale. I'm not even bragging. It's just, I don't know what it is that attracts them, but they are attracted to me. People who are already in my life though.

Some unpopular guys who will take anything under the sun ask me out. And every once in a while someone who I'm not really friends with will ask me out. But generally, I just never get close to these types of guys. Like they don't know I exist, so I can't attract them? (and I have to admit that I repel a lot of people too, just to be fair. there are many who thought they were attracted to me and then gave up very quickly.)

Personally, I think I'm annoying, although sometimes cute. My voice is annoying. Too boasting, I think. So I don't know how anybody can stand me. :) But they somehow manage to get past that.

Tim is important to me now because of what he represents. What I can prove by trying to become friends with him. By doing something new and unsafe, uncomfortable. Little by little I keep trying. And often it doesn't work. John didn't want to go out with me. Nobody IMed me when I handed out my aim. And that stuff hurts, getting rejected when I try. But I also have to accept that I won't get rejected. I have to make it a reality that I don't get rejected. Whether that means that I will attract those who can connect with me or what - it has to originate from what I'm projecting to the universe. It has to start from me.

So I need to be open to connecting with people. To meeting people. To trying something new. To being unafraid. To disconnecting with people, to conflicting with people who are not my enemy, to being rejected. I just have to let the dynamics of interaction between people flow. I will attract what I project. So if I fear being rejected, I'll attract people who will reject me.

That's why Tim is important to me. I almost forgot my personal longing for him. He initially seemed like such a good addition to my life. Like he would compliment it. Realistically, I always realize that people don't always perfectly compliment my life and I may have realized a little more of that, the magic wore off from class. But I can't turn back from trying to be friends with him. I can't be scared off, be talked out of this by my fear. I have to do this.

I have to let things happen. Surrender to what will happen. Regardless of how it will affect me. Please me or offend me or hurt me.

And I'm so grateful for Kristen. Because she's my ally at the best of times. She's agreeable but not like Amelia, who agrees because I persuade her to believe what I believe. Kristen is more initiative, and therefore when she agrees I can hope that if she believes it, it's because she sees it in a similar way as me. Although I know that she likes agreeing to disparage conflict. :p but that doesn't mean she's always lying to me.

She just offers me a listening ear sometimes, a support that I really value. Even though it's not an every day thing. Perhaps it's part of having someone outside of the family. You know me, been without friends for so long I really don't know what it's like to have a close friend anymore, so it's novel. I've changed so much since the times when some of these things were still present. It could be another lifetime, for all I can tell.

Anyway, I feel a little sickly. My arm and head and throat hurt. Probably all about this stuff but I can't do anything about it at the moment.

Just one more thing - I'm so desperate for someone to care. It's crazy how much I love talking about myself. Everything about my life is interesting and fascinating to me and I want to share it to somebody. When I begin to be fond of people I immediately begin imagining conversations where I can tell them things about myself, express to them things about the way I think, my motivation, how I do things, what my opinions are.

It seems self-absorbed. It very well could be. But I like to be heard and understood and cared about. And I long for it, it's important to me. So it's one of the first things I'm excited about. And when I care about other people I often want to know about them too. Just not as much as I want them to know about me, I think. :p

I always feel guilty for always talking about myself to Kristen. It's almost like, every time she says something about herself - I more or less steer the conversation back to me. It's not that she tries to talk about herself and I ignore it. I respond back and I consciously try to ask her questions about herself so that she doesn't feel like I'm the center of attention, the only one that matters in our friendship. But it's hard, I still always feel like she's going to resent me for taking up a lot of the conversation.

But hopefully she knows that if she had something to say I would readily listen. When she slept over there was one point where she was talking and talking and talking away about friends and things. And I didn't mind at all, I liked it. And she apologized by the end and I was like nooo, you can talk as much as you want. I can listen as often as you listen to me. I want her to feel that she had the advantage I have with her, that support. That I'm not just draining her, using her, taking from her and giving nothing. Cause I care about her too.

I don't really know what I'm doing or why I'm doing it. I just know that it hurts to be with someone who doesn't care. And it's frustrating to be with someone who doesn't care that it hurts that he doesn't care. What am I supposed to do with that? Nothing. That's my conclusion.

So I fixed it. Well, maybe not. But the depression floated away and I decided to just do something practical about my displeasure. So I sent three people comments on myspace. Although, that never seems to advance my friendships... but let's not be a killjoy.

And I, for the first time, gave out my most recent sn publicly. Except once when I accidentally put it on James's page in a comment and then Joe took it from the page and IMed me and I found out where he got it and deleted the comment.

Otherwise, I've only given it out one at a time. Very protective. OF WHAT? Well, obviously of all the horrible people who needed to stop IMing me. I was tired of having to block a hundred people.

However, I can't put the new sn to use if there's nobody to talk to.

I sometimes feel invisible on myspace, so I can't say that my sn will be put to any use but sometimes it's not about the company I have, as much as it's the way I feel when I do or don't have company.

And putting a general but welcoming energy out there is like saying I'm open to people. And that's the best I can do right now.

Right. I'm so isolated from.. everybody.

The realization has made me very unhappy.

I don't have time to feel sorry for myself. I either have to be reading Catch 22 or I have to be procrastinating reading Catch 22, in which I'm still consumed with it. So in both cases I'm concentrating on it immensely. And if I'm taking a break from both of those, I'm obviously consumed with the worry that it will never end - I have so much more to read, so much more extra to read, and so much more to write.

And that was in true spirit of the novel.

What the hell did I get on my Western Civilization exam? When will he post the results? Oh, he did. 164/200. Arrg. I have no idea what that means. He is really confusing about scoring. I know that the syllabus says that 370+ out of 400 points is an A. And I got an A last semester with the same teacher. But I can't work with that until I take my final, cause that's another 200 points.

Sometimes I just can't wrap my head around math. But what's worse is that I don't know what the hell kind of math he's using. I don't even know what grade I got on my final last semester. I sometimes don't check. But on the midterm I told my blog that I got 149 out of 200. And I think I got, what, five wrong but three were taken off because of the curve.

Soooo. I could email him or just wait until class when he may go over the exam or at least explain the score. I'm sure I did well. But I can't BE sure because he has these crazy scores on blackboard. Bah. I know about as much as I did as soon as I finished the test and I told myself "I did well, but there's no concrete A, yet."

Oh well. I got an A on my philosophy exam and an A- on my research report on Hemingway. Fun stuff. But I still have a lot of work ahead of me. :(

I wish I had time to read but I'm serious, if I'm not actually doing the work, I'm worrying about doing the work. I have no time to relax and concentrate on anything else. That's why I watch movies, cause they use a small amount of brain power and yet they can still enthrall you, or distract you in any case.

I've also realized that it is impossible to read in this house. I read so much by the fire when nobody was here but Amelia. And then my parents came home. Then Loren came. Then he left but Tiana came. And every time I sat down by the fire my dad would come out and turn on the TV. Drives me loco. or loca, perhaps.

Other times mom and Amelia would be talking. Or my mom would come out and talk to me. Or Loren and my mom would be talking. I could not concentrate. I want absolutely insane one day reading Collapse for Western Civilization. I was holding pillows over my ears while reading, trying to drown out the conversations. I tried a whole bunch of other stuff, to absolutely no avail. I did manage to get through two chapters but I was immensely stressed out.

I couldn't read in my room at that time because there was no heater so it was freezing cold, too cold for my hands to hold the book. So I basically gave up.

But as soon as they left I was ready to sit down and read. Vacation permitted me to have a few days of semi-relaxation although I've had Catch 22 on my mind every other moment. And the silence has been soothing. I hate sitting down and then getting pulled away from my book every second by some random distraction. But that didn't happen. I ended up reading The Drowning Season straight through. Although it was the middle of the night and would have been quiet anyway, I'm usually so exhausted from school - or I have school the next day and can't stay awake.

I think I'm becoming more of a procrastinator again. It's just that, there's only so much I'm willing to allow myself to slave away. I've got a quota, and when it's filled I stop and the work piles up. I have a memo every week for psychology. A journal entry every week for creative writing. A journal entry every couple weeks for modern fiction. A short story to write every week for creative writing. A short story or a novel to read every week for modern fiction. A couple chapters to read every week for western civilization.

Then I had those three exams all piled up. For western civilization. And I had to read 150 pages on Hinduism and Jainism for my eastern philosophy exam. And I had to study for my psychology exam. Which, in case I didn't mention it, I got a one hundred on. plus the bonus. :)

And that same week I had a three page research report to write on Hemingway. She said it was a little thin, but what do you expect? I never met Hemingway, what can I really say about him? I've only read one of his books but it was a few years ago and of course I didn't like it. I'm afraid the truth is, I mostly analyze modern fiction in negative terms cause I pretty much disagree with the major philosophies and writing techniques from modern fiction.

Well in any case. Although I have tended to the important things.. obviously, since I got A's on them all... I'm still neglecting so much. I have like ten journal entries to write, actually like 20 because each journal entry has to be written twice. And they wouldn't take that long, but because my quota is filled, there's a block. I just don't want to make myself slave away that much.

I need a certain amount of time to be me. To think like me, work out who I need to be. Experience what I need to experience. Yeah, so a lot of it has been James Bond movies but so what?

I shouldn't try to justify my behavior in the first place, I'm still doing well in school despite my procrastination. You'll see my grades in the end. I probably procrastinate less than many others.

But now I have to write all of those journal entries. Plus three or four more for Modern Fiction, probably by the end of the week. And I'll have ten more for creative writing due in the next month or two. Plus a few more short stories to write, and one longer final short story.

Gosh I think Longley said that there would be three or four papers, so that means I have two or three more to write and a final test, but that should be simple. Then I have like two and half more books to read for philosophy and that final exam. And the western civilization reading is pretty easy, I've realized, plus he gives tons and tons of objectives that really help you take in the specific information necessary for the tests.

But I have about ten more memos for psychology, plus about three more exams, plus a six page research report. And I forgot the ten page report for philosophy. Plus the ten page honor's report on Catch 22. And I have to read Love Medicine for modern fiction. Luckily I already read Slaughterhouse-Five and the rest of the O'Connor stories. Plus I read my western civilization homework for the next two weeks.

It's crazy that I know all of my homework for the next two months. It's crazy that I even have two months. I feel like the semester will be done in four weeks but all my teachers think they've got ten weeks left or something. So I'm kind of afraid that the end will sneak up on me and I'll have all of these reports and exams due.

Truthfully, it's not much to complain about. It's not hard work. And the more I go over it in my mind, the more I realize that it's been done before, it can be done again. I can do it, so I should stop procrastinating what will be just slightly more than a breeze. Gosh, I should just get it done and over with. I end up torturing myself with procrastination, which makes things worse than if I just worked at them. I'm always worrying all over the place - I should learn why I'm like this cause it's nonsensical.

I miss the schedule of last semester. I even miss my science class. Well of course I did because it was tons of fun and my teacher was amazing. But I also missed the fact that it's like the only science class I've ever succeeded at. I don't really know if you could say it was easier or harder than other science classes. I think because I respected my teacher, I just enjoyed getting all the work done and I enjoyed learning about the specific area of science, because I love forensic investigations. In some ways it was much more practical than scientific. Practical forensic instead of chemical forensic.

And we had a lot of tests, which I was really aggravated at towards the end but I endured them and did well on them. Sometimes I do things and I'm just happy to fit in. Because I've never been able to be proud of my accomplishments in science, it was obviously a failure for me since I took Biology twice. And in some ways the work was very similar, labs and lab writeups and tests. But I was just ready to do it now and I wasn't ready to do it then. Ironically I absolutely loved my first biology teacher. He was a great teacher.

But somehow I think I enjoyed a different quality in him, his stories and his practical application of how biology relates to us in our every day lives. Those are the things I picked up and I ended up picking up zero biology and once I stopped doing homework and labs, I was screwed.

Actually, that happened with Brian as well. I enjoyed her classes immensely and the things I learned were less strictly educational. They were more applicable to life and I enjoyed her class for it, but I did so horrible on the exam which is strange for me, since I've always been good at English. It's like I ended up only being distracted from all of the educational stuff I was supposed to be absorbing.

I don't know. It's not absolute because I also had another teacher earlier in the year and I didn't like her at all and I did absolutely nothing in that class. I had like an 18 out of 100 for my grade. It might have been a 14 or a 12. That's how little work I did.

Ahh, the good days in high school when I was so willing to participate. Things have definitely changed so what the hell am I beating myself up for just because I do things last minute and spend all the other moments worrying about having enough time milked from that last minute. AT LEAST I do end up doing them. Never late, either.

I feel like I've done every single homework ever assigned to me. That could be where all the A's come from. It's a good system.

Sometimes when I think of all the work I have to do and I feel like I'm READY to do it, I realize that I just won't have enough time to do it all right away, so I'll have to do it all tomorrow. But I always feel like this, so I end up never doing anything. I need to be able to allow myself to do things little by little.

I noticed that I don't like doing that with books. Lindstrom used to read every chance he got. He would utilize all of those extra minutes between classes or during lunch or in study hall. Always reading when he knew he would only finish a few pages. But a few pages add up, seriously. He always got through big books really quickly. I'm always waiting for the day when I can sit down and read eight hours at once.

That's what the winter vacation showed me. I was reading like ten hours a day. Because I don't want to sit down and read 20 pages every once in a while. And because of that resistance, a lot that could be done does not get done. It's the same with writing my book. I'm like, okay, I need just hours and hours during the day to work on it, otherwise I'll never get anywhere. But if I never find those hours, or the energy to work on it for a solid period of time, I end up getting absolutely nothing done. A lot of time could have been utilized over the past two years and I just threw it away. I threw away an entire summer for God's sake. How could I have told myself I didn't have enough time then? I did nothing at all!

Bah. For some reason I have such a firm resistance in my willpower, pulling me away from any enthusiasm to get this work done. That's why I wait till the last minute, because everything is piled up and it's now or never. So I do it now - hours before class and I'm done with it.

It's so odd for me to get things done early. Sometimes I'll feel anxiety knocking on my door questioningly, like, isn't it tea time? Can't I come in? Why don't you need me? You always need me. So I'm still slightly unsettled, cause I feel like I should be worrying. I've been worrying seems like every day of the past ten years. And goodness, I still worry during the summer. I worry for the future and they also give me summer book reports to do, which I wait until the last minute to read and write. Fuck you for giving me something else to procrastinate with.

It's been an unfortunate, long experience.

Would you believe it? I forgot something. There was more I was going to say.

See, because of this power issue, I'm feeling ignored by people. And, of course, it frustrates me. It makes me feel powerless. I can't stand being ignored, but it's even worse when people ignore me and then they ignore my complaints about how they're ignoring me.

It started with James. Because I decided to talk to him a little again. So I added him on myspace. He accepted that. We didn't say anything for a couple of weeks. Then I think I sent him a comment. Nothing. Then I sent him another comment a couple weeks later. Nothing. Then I sent him a message with my quiz, saying that I didn't expect him to talk to me, but could he take my quiz. He didn't answer the message or take my quiz. It's like there's this wall and I can't get through it no matter how hard I try.

It would not be horrible if he said "fuck you" or if he said "I don't want to talk to you" or if he said "I don't want to take your damn test". I could handle that. But he's not acknowledging me at all, it's like I don't exist. And it's the worst thing.

Then when I sent John that message about being friends, him rejecting me for Lyla hurt me again and I try to pretend it doesn't. But I'm also working to make it truth - that it really doesn't bother me. I just have to first acknowledge the feelings, before I can work through them. I should have accepted it. It's hard to find the balance. Because I usually accept it in that I pretend I don't care. And that's wrong, because I'm just suppressing the truth.

But it's not wrong to accept it, in a mature way and say - I can handle that this is the choice you've made, you've chosen Lyla over me. And truthfully get through it. I don't have to let myself feel rejected, I can just accept that it's his decision. It doesn't have to reflect that I'm a horrible person, just that he likes Lyla and that's fine, him and her are loco, they deserve each other. I don't want to be part of it anyway.

This is probably what I should have done. But I was mad at him for rejecting me so I thought I would prove him stupid by getting Lyla to say it was okay. So I offered to ask her if him and I could be friends, even though I believe it's not her decision. She said no. And I kind of in a mean but professional way said that she was just lying to herself and she was being possessive again. It's not her right to say who he's friends with. And she didn't respond back to that one. She hasn't said anything to me since.

So John isn't talking to me, probably because she told him that he can't. Who knows, I don't know what they talked about to each other, but she probably guilted him into ignoring me - and lying to her about how he feels and etc. Not that he doesn't mind, cause he seems to like the lying. (hence, they deserve each other) In any case, she ignored me, he ignored me... James is ignoring me.

And then I sent Mike a message asking him why he no longer smokes weed. Cause I always admired him for not smoking, for just individually not wanting to smoke. I love people who just know it's not for them. Because a lot of people do it just to fit in, even if they don't need it because of dependency. So if you don't need it because you don't have a dependency, I'm so relieved that you're brave enough to go against the grain and simply say that it's not for you. Mike was like that while we were dating. (although his friends mostly were as well...)

But then he started dating Mareena and she is kind of messed up. She's like an alcoholic, every myspace answer is about being drunk and etc, I swear. And she smokes weed. So he started doing it. So he's no longer with her, hasn't been for a year or something. And his survey asked him what he thought of weed and he said "you can do it but I'm done." and I overflowed with joy. Because I've always cared about him, in that mother way. Like, I want him to have a good life. (although a part of me wanted him to have a crappy life out of spite, since he's my ex) but most of me wanted him to have things work out well, to grow and be healthy. And I liked respecting him and admiring him. So I'm upset when he smokes and relieved when he doesn't.

So I asked him why. Well he honestly just hasn't been on his myspace all day today. Hasn't even signed in or read the message. But just waiting for his response, wanting to hear it and kind of wanting to express that I'm happy about it and I admire him for making that decision... well, it made my day anticlimactic, you could say.

But of course then there's Dan. There's a wall blocking me from James and John and Lyla because I can't make them understand. And there's a literal block between Mike and me because he hasn't received the message. But Dan's supposed to be the exception. He's just supposed to be the exception. The one I can count on. The one to understand me and accept me.

But being rejected by John has made me want Dan's attention all the more specifically. And then when Dan doesn't respond enough, or at all, he begins ignoring me and that resonates with my wall theme and suddenly he's just another one ignoring me. Another one I can't get through to. I can't make him understand. Which makes me feel powerless.

I send him text messages and just like James, he ignores them. He's done this the entire year we've been close. With myspace messages and me telling him to call me. He never gave me enough attention. And it's always his decision. Like, we don't decide together, when we'll talk. We don't set a time appropriate for both of us. HE calls and INTERRUPTS whatever I'm doing because HE has an opportunity to talk.

It's not a crazy thing to do, except it's all one way. I never call him. I never know when he'll be free to talk, I don't want to interrupt his "busy life". I have only missed his call once, when I didn't return it moments later or picked up the first time. Only once when he called and my phone's battery had died and I didn't recharge it all day.

Every other time, whether I was in the library - I went outside to talk. Whether I was watching a movie - I put it on pause to talk. Whether I'm reading - I set down the book. Whether I'm talking to somebody online - I ignore them. Whether I'm eating - I let my food get cold. Whether I'm playing with Isis - I multitask.

And sometimes we don't even talk. So I'll just sit there in bed, not doing anything. I put down my book or pause my movie, to sit there and not even talk.

And I'm not complaining. It sounds like I am, but I'm happy to do it because I care about him and I enjoy talking to him and connecting with him. He's important to me, so I put everything else aside, even if I'm really enjoying my movie or my book. I've told him that I want to go so I can finish my movie or go to sleep like twice. I always wait until he says he's gonna go. That's why when I'm mad, I say that I'm going to go just because it's so uncharacteristic of me and I think that it will show him that I'm really mad.

I doubt he notices.

In any case, it's not two-way. He makes all the moves. He decides when and for how long. And I never get to express myself. I really don't. Like the things I want to tell him about the car accident that happened to me a month ago, or when I set my porch on fire. Why do you think I was so enamored with John? Because John cared. I don't know why, but he payed attention to me. He wanted to know about my life, he calls Isis cute or he says that the things Isis does is cute. And that felt so nice, to have (just maybe) somebody in my life who could care.

Amelia doesn't care. I always share everything with her but I always tell her against her will. Dan doesn't care. Sometimes I forget to tell him because he doesn't call me until a week after it's happened or if I send a text he doesn't respond. And it's not like I can call him, because he doesn't play by my rules.

I fill out surveys because nobody asks this stuff. But John asked. I was so flattered. He read my surveys and he's the only one who actually did the surveys himself, nobody ever copies my surveys. Sometimes they do the same surveys but if I fix spelling errors, I can see that they've done the original copy, so they got it from somebody else.

There's just this sense of apathy with Dan. Because I told him so many freakin times over the year that I hated when he didn't write back to my messages and he didn't call me and etc. And he's mentioned that he's better, like he acknowledges that it's important to me that he changes his behavior towards me, or lack of behavior. But I still feel like if I express that I'm bothered to him, he won't care.

Or it will be a bother for him. Like I'm just the nagging girlfriend and I'm overreacting. Sometimes I don't even say how I feel because it will just sound ridiculous.

He's not in my life at all. He doesn't live here. I don't see him. I'm not dating him. I don't kiss him. I can't call him. We don't talk on myspace or any of the messengers. All we really have are his sporadic phone calls and texts.

I don't care when he sends me a reply to my text. I don't care. I just care that he sends one at all. Like if he doesn't see it within the hour after the text was sent, he just decides it's no longer relevant to answer and he doesn't say anything. He asked me what Subway sandwich he should get at noon. I was in class, and my phone was running out of battery, plus it was on silent. And then I forgot about it and didn't recharge it until hours later.

But when I finally turned on the phone, it was obviously not relevant to answer his question about subway, he was long gone from there... however, I did answer his text with "I'm sorry I missed your call and your text, my phone has been off all day." That was acknowledging him. So that he didn't feel that I was ignoring him. He just lets my texts go out into the abyss, allowing me to sit in mystery - not knowing how he feels, if he read the text, what he thinks about the text, why he hasn't answered, why he never will.

It happened a couple months ago and I asked him why he didn't respond and he said that he was busy. And I was like yeah, but if you're responding to this now, you've obviously found a point in time where you're not busy. So why didn't you respond to the message, once you had a free moment. I don't care if it's days later. You can't say you're busy now when you're messaging me about something different. He acts like I'm the author and he's just reading my book. With no response necessary. It's not a rhetorical question. I say things to you because I'm communicating with you - for the purpose of you communicating back with me. That's a conversation.

Right now, with my journal, he may read this, and in that sense, he doesn't need to respond. I know he won't. He probably won't even bring all this up in our next few conversations - even if he reads it. That's to be expected. But if I'm directly talking to you, you can't just absorb it, I expect responses. Nothing particular. You can say whatever you want. I just want acknowledgment.

But on a different note, the reason why it's come up lately, the reason why I've gotten annoyed and then further annoyed by his insensitivity. Is because I worry sometimes when I don't get texts from him. When I send like four out over a period of a couple days and nothing comes back. If I ask questions and he doesn't answer, if I say I love you and he doesn't respond. Remember? I have no other connection to him. I can't call, myspace isn't helpful. Can't talk to him on a messenger. How do I know he's alive?

You think it's ridiculous but if he died, I would never know. Nobody would inform me. I would just never know. And when he doesn't answer I think about that, about how I don't know if he's in jail or in the hospital or he simply lost his phone. I just don't know unless he tells me. Can you blame me for wanting to know? Not getting anything from him in two weeks is not unusual. I don't immediately think that he's dead. But when I send numerous texts that are unanswered, that's when I get worried. Because I just have no idea why he's not answering them. I don't know if he's busy or dead. I don't know if he's ignoring me on purpose or waiting until an appropriate time to answer me.

You know what I do just to reassure myself? I go on myspace and look at the last time he logged in. It's usually more recent than my last text cause I only get paranoid after a day has gone by and he will have always signed in at the new day. And then I know that he's not ignoring my text because he's dead. He could be dead, but he would have died after my text. I really, have honestly done that twice or three times. Cause there isn't any other way I know - unless I call. And You know I don't call.

And this is all I've got. What is he to me? Nothing. We are so distant from each other. He's not there for me and he doesn't need me to be there for him. I don't know why he even calls me, now that I think about it. What the hell does it do for either of us?

I'm just thinking about what an illusion we both are to each other. He does not realistically or tangibly satisfy me in any way. He gives me no companionship. Obviously not a lot of attention. He doesn't lend an ear as a friend. He isn't my boyfriend. Hearing him tell me he wants to fuck me every once in a while isn't really that flattering. We can't hang out. We can't see each other. We can't know each other. We can't understand what each other is going through in lives we'll never be able to observe.

We're nothing to each other. But some lousy texts and random, useless phone calls.

I don't usually come up with pessimistic conclusions. But I can't bear to have that wall between me and somebody else. I don't like feeling like I can't get through to somebody, like they can't understand me and acknowledge me. And his favorite fucking thing is to not acknowledge me.

So fine. He can be self-centered. Cause that's all he's got, his own life. Bah.

And I'm going to go crazy for the next few days because he's not going to read this or acknowledge me - even though I sent him a text saying that I needed to bitch at him and CALLING HIM, for the second time in our entire four and a half years of knowing each other... (not entirely his fault) and leaving him a voicemail saying that I need to talk to him.

Let's just see if he cares. Cause if he doesn't? I may as well be alone. I feel alone dealing with James and my family and John and Lyla and everybody. I just feel alone. Except I've had Dan all this time. At least I thought I did. Now I just feel alone anyway. He's not there to support me or keep me company or give me love. He's just not there.

We'll probably never meet, and if we did it would be like an arranged marriage. Like I know we're supposed to meet, but who the hell are you? We're not involved in each other's lives at all. Except for like an hour a week and a couple random texts. And nothing relevant is ever passed between us.

I'm going crazy. I'm having power issues, like always. I've always been a fighter. I've always fought for power. Because when I feel like I don't have enough I panic and I go wild trying to gain power. The type of people who go to extremes to exert power and to prove that they have power, are the ones that fear that they don't have power. Like the bullies who go to extremes to prove that they're tough because they feel that if they didn't prove it, nobody would know - mostly because they don't believe that they're tough enough, themselves.

I don't believe I have enough power, that's why I'm always in a panic. And I realized that I feel most powerless when I can't communicate, when people are not listening to me, and when people don't believe me. Do you know how insane I would get if I was on trial for a murder I did not commit? That probably happened in another lifetime. Because in small doses, that's what it's like for me. I say things and people don't believe me and I go wild.

Amelia was having issues to Tiana and my mom were trying to help her, so I joined the conversation and then like an hour later my mom walked out briefly and I was explaining this power thing to Amelia. I kept repeating it because I was reminding myself of what I'd learned previously but hadn't applied. The idea that when I struggle the most, it's because I fear I don't have power. And I realized, so distinctly, that I am an extreme fighter. I am always fighting for power. Always fighting.

I have to stop fighting, I just have to believe that I have power and express it. I don't have to try to prove it to people, I don't have to be aggressive. I just have to be. I guess I realized this because Tiana and my mom used the term "assertive" as the middle way. Assertive people have power, but they do not exert it aggressively because you don't have to prove the truth, it speaks for itself. You only have to try to prove what cannot speak for itself because it isn't fully true. We live in a western world so that would be highly disputed, since they believe that everything needs to be proven.

However, I don't think science is fully true, nor can it honestly be proven true when you really think about it. But let's not get sidetracked.

The point is, I realized that I do have power and I need to begin to believe it. I have to stop trying to fight for it. I can assert it, but I don't need to overdue it because it's a basic truth, it does not need to be proved. And the fact of the matter is, that the mind can choose to never be convinced, no matter how much evidence you have. Evidence is not interpreted objectively, it's interpreted selectively and if people don't want to admit the truth, they can't be forced to.

So there are some people I will never be able to convince, and that's why I can get really ridiculous trying to prove it. Because it's not an easy task. I usually scare people off with my aggressiveness anyway. They never agree with me after I'm done bullying them. It's not one of those "you're so intimidating that I'll just agree with you cause I'm scared."

Ironically, but not really ironic when you think about the ways of the universe... Amelia started to get annoyed that I was repeating myself about the differences between assertive, aggressive and passive. And I told her rationally that I was really only talking to myself because the distinction had just become especially clear to me and as an aggressive person, this is valuable information. She was still annoyed.

So my mom comes back in and they're talking but Amelia starts snapping at me so I'm like whoa whoa whoa, hold the phone, what the hell has gotten into you, why are you suddenly bickering with me? I've done nothing wrong. Well all the sudden Amelia and my mom are in agreement that I'm always trying to force Amelia to do what I want her to do. And I'm like, name one way I've done that lately and my mom says "you're always telling her how to take care of Isis" and I say, actually, I haven't done that to her lately I've been telling YOU (my mom) how to take care of Isis, and my mom agrees.

But she is still convinced that Amelia has good reason to be annoyed at me because I must be trying to make her do something. All I did was repeat something twice, and Amelia goes, "yeah, it's like when you used to watch movies five times in a row and it annoyed me." And again I'm like whoa whoa whoa, where did that come from? You're blaming me at age 17 for watching Mary Poppins over and over when I was like seven? That's insane.

But no, they're still convinced that Amelia is justified in being annoyed at me because I must be trying to force her. And I even clarified, because I was trying to make everybody take a look at this new development in the conversation, all of the sudden Amelia was annoyed at me and I wanted to know where it was coming from. I was being forceful and direct about it. So I asked if that was what my mom was talking about, that I was forcing Amelia to consider the annoyance issue. And my mom said no, it was before that.

Tiana left for a moment, she had been there while my mom was gone but it's no use getting people involved, they hate that and people never side with me. Again, you'd think they'd be afraid of my wrath and so they'd take my side, but I think most people have realized that even though I can be very harsh, my bark is worse than my bite, so they aren't really afraid of me. Although Tiana actually hasn't experienced very much of my wrath.

In any case, it dawned on me, as I was trying to convince them that I had not tried to force Amelia into anything and that it was stupid to justify Amelia's issue with me on me, because we all know that "annoyance" is an interpretation of the reaction that someone has to an object. Meaning, the object does not have an annoying quality like color or size. Annoyance is the interpretation and the bad reaction to that object, so it's all in her.

So it dawned on me that this was my test. Not moments before this all started I realized that I need to believe I have power, regardless of if other people don't believe it. I have to stop fighting for it. So I abruptly left. They were blind, but the fact is, even if they couldn't see it, the truth still existed. You don't need to prove the truth to validate it. The truth is what it is, regardless of who knows it. So why do I need to make them know it? I know it. That should be enough. I should be satisfied with that. But naturally I want validation, and I have to stop it.

I realized after I'd left that it was the exact powerless situation that drives me nuts, and literally makes me scream and be abusive in my fight to prove that I have power. It's a bit hard to relate truth with power, but for me it's the epitome of the "right and wrong" thing that everybody has going on. When I'm right, and somebody refuses to see it, I feel powerless. I feel like I don't have power unless it's validated by somebody else.

That's a huge reason why I don't mess with people anymore. Because I got so sick of people not letting me be right. When I know I am. It's not as simple as "you're wrong and I'm right." A wise person knows that there are many different rights that can coexist, even if they contradict each other. But I've matured and grown a lot, and I know that the more I grow, the better my opinions become - the more developed they become, the smarter they become, the wiser they become.

And when I do things for a purpose, even if someone else has a problem with it, I have the right to do things as I wish. It doesn't mean that they're wrong to disagree with it, because we both don't have to agree on the same thing to be right. Right takes individual forms sometimes. As far as I'm concerned, it's only wrong if it's not infused with God.

And the more I grow, the more I allow God to be infused in the way I live my life and the things I believe. Therefore, I have faith that I'm doing the right thing. No matter what kind of blind people refuse to see this.

And this is also why I like to have just one person, one agreeable person who I can count on to believe me. Right now it's Dan. Dan doesn't always agree, apparently, but he always lets me convince him. Meaning, he let's me believe that he has been convinced. And so I don't go insane. But I also know that regardless of if he disagrees, he still respects me. And that's what makes me want to be validated, because I feel that if people think I'm wrong about something, that they'll think I'm wrong to be who I am, that I'm a horrible person. It's an extreme fear, but that's how it works.

I don't have that fear with Dan, so I don't have to fight him, I don't have to prove that I'm a good person because he already knows. I feel like with so many other people I have to prove that I'm a good person, because they automatically accuse me of just the opposite. Like everybody thinks I'm a murderer and I'm just not. Okay? I'm just not.

When Mike and I went back to school, after the summer, people started to convince Mike that I was horrible and controlling. During the summer he sometimes thought I was controlling but he still loved me. But then school started and people starting convincing him that he shouldn't date me anymore because I was controlling. That's what shattered my love for him. The lack of control, in the sense that I could no longer feel that I could keep him in love with me.

I know it sounds terrible, to say that I needed to make him in love with me. But I was very dominating and I could convince him I was right, or at least I could always have the last say, just like with Dan, so he just shuts up and lets me think I'm right. But he, of course, was still there with me, no matter my faults. And then my faults grew to the size of a prize winning watermelon, and all of the sudden I was the most terrible person in the world. I was literally Satan, that's what they all called me.

And that hurts, because I'm not Satan. It seems cliche to say that I'm a good person. But I am a very kind and moralistic person. It's just that I have a tough exterior. I know that if I feel something selfish, I have to face it - instead of pretend that I'm an amazingly self-less person. So I often admit the worst of me, to confess, to get it out in the open so that I don't have to lie to myself just to save face.

So that's why I seem cruel, because I'm exposing all of my worst qualities. When we hide them, we become a lie.

I don't want to be a lie.

But I need to be satisfied that I know I'm not Satan and that's enough. That it doesn't mean that I'm any less Not-Satan just because they think me him. The truth is the truth, regardless of its validation.

I have to let go of situations where people will not accept the truth. Like with Amelia and my mom. It was right to leave the bedroom, that's absolutely the first time I have ever walked away from a fight - especially without having the last word in. I'm not kidding.

It was a complete test. Because I had just barely decided to stop being aggressive, and then over the very same topic (me telling Amelia the distinction between aggressive and assertive) suddenly I feel powerless, because they will not believe my innocence, they will not see that I had really not been trying to make Amelia do anything. And it was frustrating, but I have to stop letting it frustrate me. I have to accept that it's a part of humanity.

And that it seriously does not take away from the truth. The truth is what it is. It will still be what it is, even if they're blind to it.

There are so many people who project on to me. Like Stephanie Stog wrote Amelia a long letter complaining about my profile. Bitching about every little damn thing she disagreed with. And I know that she was not right to complain about it. Should I even try to convince you that she was not right? Or should I just believe it and leave it at that. Let's leave it at that.

I know that I have the right to say what I said on my profile because it's true. It's not wrong, in any way shape or form. Not only is it not what she said it is, and thus not wrong. But the truth is, it's not wrong to feel that way about myself.

I've written a dozen intros to my book. Because there are things I want people to know, before they grossly misinterpret it and start blaming me of all the horrible things that spark my fight and make me insane. And one of the things I've expressed is that, my book is not about fact and it's not about right or wrong. It's about perception. And we don't have to fear our perceptions just because they may not be entirely accurate.

Because it's not wrong to feel a certain way at a certain point. It IS wrong to hold on to false beliefs for lifetime after lifetime. Okay? That's wrong. But to initially believe something that isn't accurate or isn't entirely accurate is okay. Because you need to start somewhere. You need to take baby steps to the truth, and you won't have the complete view at the beginning, so some things will need to be improved or let go, but you will hopefully have the partial truth and that is the constant, that is what will be carried with you so that it can expand and you can grow to have a larger view.

So I don't care about all the outrageous disagreements that someone could have with my perception. Because that's all it is. Perception for one moment in time (each moment that I write it, at least). Next year my perception will have expanded and I will no longer believe some of the things. But I'm not ashamed that I did once believe them. Because it was just a step towards the truth. We can't leap into it, that's not what life is about, life is a process. My book is about the perception I had during that process. A perception that is imperfect and inaccurate at times. But is often honest and straightforward and encouraging and productive. And those are the most important things to me.

So that's why it's not going to make the world end, if I'm not correct in anything I say on my profile. I was accurate to the best of my ability and perception. And of course, interpretations are going to be different. If you think that I believe the sun is blue, and you think me wrong for it, but in truth, I'm only trying to say that I had a dream that the sun was blue - what can you do? It's your incorrect interpretation of my intention.

But let's not justify my position. Because I need to purely believe in the truth and right to express what I express. And I don't need the validation.

And, of course, it doesn't mean that I need to ignore what criticism I get. But when I do hear it, I have to give it fair consideration, but I also have to discern between what they don't know and what they do know. Because, for instance, if someone tried to convince me that I was jealous - how could they know? So it would ultimately be up to me to ask myself if it's true. Some people don't want to admit things like "I'm jealous," but I've told you, I love exposing my flaws, it's liberating, to expose the fear of people knowing my imperfections.

StephanieStog, Amelia and my mom all think I love Isis too much. It's hard to sum up, but Stephanie and Amelia think that I want to be her mother or something, because I'm always trying to "take over Amelia's job". Because Amelia had Stephanie and the other Stephanie over one time, and since I couldn't concentrate on reading because they were noisy, I had nothing to do so when Isis was crying and needed her diaper changed I changed it. Amelia started getting aggravated at me, because I was trying to help her calm Isis down. I was only doing it INSTEAD of her, because I thought that she should be spending time with her friends. I was doing nothing, so I was able to take care of Isis, Amelia was presumably busy with friends and it would benefit everybody if she just let me take care of it.

It's okay if she doesn't want to, it's her baby, she can put her friends aside to take care of Isis. But I wasn't trying to take over Amelia's role as a mother, I was simply trying to help out. So my profile says proud parent, because all the other options are stupid. Like one of them says "I love kids..." and you'd think that would be perfect for me, but then it ends with "but not for me" and that's just not true. The other one says "not yet" or something and that's stupid too. I had to express something because it's a premade layout and it would otherwise say "no answer" and that's stupid too. So I said proud parent, to express that I currently take joy in children. It just so happens that my niece lives with me, so she's a huge part of my life.

Which is another thing, I babysit her a lot, she lives her and influences the way I live, so yes, I'm very involved with her. But also, it's an objective fascination that has nothing to do with her specifically. I love kids, and I've always found that fascinating, I want to understand them, experience them, study them. But even though I babysat the twins, I wasn't around them enough - just a few hours after school. So now I have a real opportunity to observe Isis grow and it's amazing. So I'm fixated on it. As I said, it wasn't my choice to have Isis live her. I love it, but I didn't ask for it, it was Amelia's decision. If she doesn't want me involved, she can leave.

So of course it's also my psychology thing. I analyze the way humans work, the way they react to things, and the way we should treat each other. It's my passion, it's my fixation. So I watch Isis and I study these things. And when I see something that Amelia doesn't (which, in general, happens a lot) I say it. My mom tells me I should keep it to myself, but that's just not like me. I know that it's Amelia's daughter, to raise however she wants. But I'm controlling, for one. I also love to teach and enlighten people - so how could I keep that to myself? I also love Isis and it bothers me when Amelia is not giving her what she needs because she can't see what Isis needs. And I also like to experiment with Isis in the sense that, if I think she needs something - I'll never know if I was right unless we try it. So if Amelia never tried anything I suggested, I would never learn from my observations about Isis, because they would all be initial observations, no experiments and tests.

And lastly, it also affects me because I'm here in this house. So, for instance, if Amelia is letting Isis cry for an hour because she's too dense to see that Isis isn't ready for bed, and I have to hear Isis and be bothered by it, that does affect me and I have the right to speak up and say that it bothers me.

So, you see, I'm not obsessed with Isis. There's a reason why I particularly love her. Because I know I can be myself around her. These seems anticlimactic, because I've just analyzed all of my reactions to people, and how I want to be validated etc. But when I first opened this page I wanted to say this.

I have always been really clingy and needy, but not with people, with animals. My dog Zeus did not like me, he didn't like sleeping on my bed or cuddling with me. Because I was too controlling, probably. Because I was always trying to make him do what he didn't want to do. But I needed him so much, I was so clingy, always trying to hug him and make him sit on my lap or sleep in my bed with me. He liked Amelia cause she let him do whatever.

But I felt that I could express myself to Zeus better than a human, who could reject it. For some reason, it comes back to that thing with Mike letting me love him. For some reason, I feel the need to express my love for people. I'm a really loving person, very touch-feely and devoted. I guess there are really a lot of people like me, who become obsessed with people and idolize them and things. And it just becomes crazy how much they love these people, how devoted they are.

I don't go to that extreme because I know it's crazy and I don't want to be rejected by people. But all my life, when people didn't want to be my friend, it was rejecting the opportunity to express myself. It was like saying "I don't want to hear it or see it or experience it. Just shut up." And somehow that translates into the way I express that I like other people. I can't quite make sense of it right now. I haven't fully figured out how, usually when I write I do figure it out but I'm blocked from it for some reason.

In any case, dogs can't talk back and neither can babies. I knew they didn't like me, but it's almost like they had no choice, Zeus didn't like me but I could force myself to hug him. And I did, I was so bad, always MAKING him cuddly with me. I just wanted to be able to give him love and he didn't want it.

Isis resists me too. Like she hasn't given me a hug in a week and I keep asking. I'm trying not to be too forceful the way I was with Zeus. Nobody else NEEDS Isis to hug them, but I need that affection from her, so I keep asking even though she's apparently not in the mood to hug people.

And of course a part of it is not only receiving the hug, it's being able to give the hug. It's an acceptance of my wish to express my love for her. Babies don't criticize you or tell you they are bothered by the fact that you love them. I can be around Isis and tell her how absolutely precious she is, how much I adore her and she just soaks it in, without a word. Besides the physical affection, which she sometimes resists... she really can't resist my love in any other way.

So I enjoy her because I can just be myself. I can say what I want. I can feel the way I want to feel. As long as I don't violate her space and as long as I'm her slave (and give her everything she wants) she's fine with whatever else I do. And that's also why it's a good relationship. Because I give her a lot, I help her move and walk and eat and get the things she wants to play with and help her play with them when she can't figure it out. So it's not quite like with Zeus where all I wanted was the cuddles, and I couldn't give him much in return. It's much harder for me to give her everything she wants, and deal with her when she can't have what she wants, than it is for her to just sit there and listen to me tell her I love her and tell her that she's the cutest thing in the world.

And I know that I have past lives with Isis because I babysat her every night for a couple weeks while Amelia worked in the army and my parents were on vacation. So I woke up with her at 5 in the morning and gave her a bottle, and etc. And my mom said that I had balanced some karma that I owed her, by doing that. So I had to have wronged her in some way during a past life with her. Which means that i had a past life with her.

And really? Isis isn't Amelia's. As a soul, Isis doesn't belong to Amelia. Isis has probably been HER mother in the past. We're always so possessive of our family and our lovers and our kids and our spouses and our friends, but in the bigger picture, souls surpass our current identities. The soul is larger than who it embodies as. So, I have every right to express my connection with Isis. She's not my daughter, but in case you haven't picked it up by now, I'm a realistic person, I can see that she's not my daughter.

I guess that other people feel that there are some invisible boundaries, that I'm overstepping. And I know that a lot of nosy, controlling people do. But I will say that there's a difference between me and them. Because they are always fixated on the parent, and what the parent is doing wrong. I could care less about criticizing Amelia. My mom? Yeah, I criticize her just to criticize her. But with Amelia, I'm only trying to do what I think is best for Isis. I'm not trying to take over Amelia's job, but I'm always trying to enlighten her about what I believe is a good way to handle Isis. And yes, I do get upset when she doesn't agree with me, and then I become negative about the way Amelia is doing it. But in general, I'm only trying to solve problems and make things easier for Isis. I'm just trying to fulfill her needs. It's ultimately Amelia's job, in the long run.

But she leaves Isis with my mom so much, and this is Amelia's first child so she's learning how to take care of babies. So it's always been kind of a group effort. We talk about what is best for Isis. We offer our advice and our opinions and while we babysit we try our own ideas out, and when they work - we share it with each other so that things can run smoothly.

I should work to become less attached. Because Isis is ultimately not my responsibility. It is not my role to run her life, only to offer advice. So, the outcome is not my responsibility. I should allow Amelia to make the decisions, instead of trying to force her to follow my own opinions. But it's obviously hard. If Amelia was making mistakes for her own life, it would be one thing but she's making mistakes for Isis. And that's hard when I'm obviously very devoted to Isis.

The reason I mention this is not because I want their validation, per se. It's because I wanted to show that these are their opinions and instead of just writing them off because to accept them I have to make some changes, I have processed it with discernment. I've seen ways in which they were projecting their own issues onto the situation. Like I seriously think that my mom is just jealous. She's probably never seen me care about anybody as much as I care about Isis, and especially not herself. I've never shown my mom a lot of love, just the opposite.

Or perhaps she was just a tool in this test I'm going through because if she did not put me into situations where I felt powerless, I would have no way to see if I can really accept that I do have power, despite the lack of validation from her or anybody else. Cause sometimes people are tools, and it's not a bad thing, on a deeper level she's really only offering herself to my growth, and she really doesn't feel jealous, she's just acting in a way that can be interpreted that way.

But in any case, I can see that they were misguided in some of their interpretations of the situation. So I can ignore those criticisms. But I also have to allow the truth in, and see that I am very attached in a slight too obsessive manner. And I need to let Amelia be a mother and Isis be the daughter she wants to be. They came her for each other, presumably not for me. Although we can say that they both wanted to be influenced by me (and my mom as well), to a certain degree, otherwise they wouldn't live here. But as I said, the outcome is not my responsibility. It's theirs.

I was really grouchy when I woke up. Reeeally grouchy. But I've been watching Monk and doing things on the computer... and somewhere along the lines it started raining. I can't see it, but I can hear it. And eventually it worked its magic on me and now I feel really peaceful, but not only that.

I know that if I looked outside it would still be ugly. Yellow grass and dead trees. And I think that even though I've done well to not be depressed this winter, a part of me dies with the rest of the plants during the winter.

There's just something in the trees that captures my heart. When I think about it, I always remember walking home from Mike's house in the middle of the night. Sometimes it would be raining. The lampposts would give enough light to see, and even though I'd sometimes be scared cause I was walking alone at 2 in the morning, it was also my favorite experience ever.

Listening to the rain, not seeing it but hearing it, brings back that harmony - just like if I were actually experiencing those memories all over again.

The chaos has dissipated for a few moments. It always made me sad that Mike was so fixated on my flaws. So obsessed with my flaws. Because it wasn't like that for me. There are quite a number of flaws he has and quite a number of things he's done wrong. Even though I said I was very hateful and angry while I was dating him, there was this tenderness that surpassed the flaws.

It was only for Mike. And I can't explain it any other way except to use the word "tender". Because it was just a warmth and swelling of my heart that seemed unconditional. And that's why it was so soothing, because it was forgiving. Because intellectually, I kept score of all the bad things he did, because I lectured him and got pleasure in being superior to him and etc. But I don't know if this was in my emotions, or if that was the thing, my emotions didn't ever change my mind. I could get mad at him but his flaws never seemed to matter.

Of course, this isn't unheard of. But for me, it is unheard of because I've always been very fixated on flaws, just like Mike is with me. And at the very same time I was dating Mike I was completely obsessed with Shannon's flaws, so there you go.

It just wasn't that way with Mike. I've never been in love with someone quite like that. Aside from him, of course. You know how when you're done with the relationship, you realize all of the things you hate about that person, things you should have realized in the beginning?

I think I've kind of felt that way about Mike these past two years. He has been a total shit to me. And it's almost like I still wanted to love him, but I had to keep reminding myself to face the facts, that he wasn't a good guy.

I miss believing he was. I miss just loving him unconditionally. It's a phenomenon I can't fully explain. I'm so much more guarded now. Yeah, I am one of those people who wore their heart on their sleeve until they got hurt. I mean, we had a great relationship, but when we broke up he abused me so much, and it wasn't just him, it was coming at me from all sides because he got his friends to participate too.

It's like, he was saying, I don't love you anymore because of this flaw, and guess what? Everybody else hates you because of the same flaw. So you're Satan.

It wasn't that hard to survive it. There was a lot of nervousness that I felt, but it wasn't the most horrible experience. But I kind of sobered up from my naivety. I don't know what made me regret my naivety, maybe just the shame that Mike gave me. Like he was the closest person to me, the one to experience everything I had to offer, without protective walls. Because I trusted him. And when he broke up he just threw it all back in my face and suddenly I was Satan.

It was a slap in the face. So I think now I've come to realize that you can never know when someone is going to go nuts on you. It's not that I'm afraid to be who I am. I love who I am. But I know that people don't experience who I am objectively, they experience it through their own perspective, and their own psychology interprets it. Mike needed to hate me once we broke up, for many reasons.

And his friends did too, for different reasons. But they were all in it together, pretending like the fact of the matter was, the true reality was, that I was a horrible person. And I just wanted to tell each and every one of them that they were all agreeing on a lie. It's not so much that I wasn't what they thought of me, I won't deny everything they say - it's just obvious that the whole idea was a fraud. His friends got so much pleasure out of his hate for me and I wanted to say - it's not even real.

I don't know... I think I lost it. In one of my recent surveys I said that by the end of our relationship I no longer loved him, but I was still attached to him because he was such a part of my life that I felt it would be too significant of a loss to ditch him. And that's exactly how it was. That tenderness was gone. He was so horrible to me.

I've said before that somehow Mike represented me, in that I loved myself through loving him. I know that he didn't accept my flaws, so it wasn't the way HE made me feel, it was the way I felt about him that reflected the changes in how I felt about myself. I think it was shattered during the last couple of months because Mike was slipping away from me. We were always fighting because we were always hanging out with his friends and he acted differently to me around them, he was a lot meaner. It wasn't that way during the whole relationship though.

There was just something in him that was pushing to break away from me, as soon as school started he stopped hanging out with me alone, he always made up excuses. And I suppose you could say that reality clashed with my perception.

See, although it wasn't how Mike felt about me that made me love myself, it was his acceptance of me. All my life people have been trying to change me and control me, or they've decided they don't want to be around me. Like all my ex boyfriends who ask me out and then dump me within a couple weeks because, I don't know, they no longer want to be around me.

And each time, it was an insult to my expression. Because it was always like - every single time I tried to express myself somebody shut me down. My parents were always complaining about the way I expressed myself - in fact, most people have, because I chose to express myself in a controversial way, with my harsh and accusing words and things like that, defense mechanisms in my communication that have built up from past lifetimes.

In any case, I don't know why the guys broke up with me, but for instance with Dave, I was so ready to love him, so ready to express myself to him. And he broke up with me so randomly. It's like trying to walk into a house but running into the glass door. Like you don't see the door so you make the motion to step through the doorway and hit glass abruptly. I was always making the motion to start expressing myself and then I would hit glass abruptly.

Mike and I were in our own little world. He just let me love him. I didn't have to ask him if I could love him, if it would bother him if I wanted to be with him or wanted to call him or wanted to kiss him. We were such extremists. Always attached at the hip and attached at the lips. I never got a no from him in my expression of myself. It was such a startling reality. Such a novel experience. For the first time in my life I didn't have to apologize for trying to express who I was and how I felt.

I haven't experienced THAT since. Everybody puts conditions on being with me. Like, I want to hang out with you but you can't do this or say this or be this. Mike just let me be whatever I wanted, he never stopped me. I guess it had to do with his recessive personality, because it's changed. Now that he expresses himself more... he doesn't accept me as much.

At the beginning, he was one of those quiet people who you think are really nice. You think that if they're looking at you and thinking OH WHAT AN ANNOYING PERSON that you'd be able to tell, and since you can't tell, they must be really sweet and kind. And meanwhile, they really are thinking these things.

I guess I thought Mike wasn't, but during the end he started to express these things more. I mean, he loved me, but suddenly my flaws were larger than life, suddenly I was so WRONG to express myself. Just wrong.

So when school started and he no longer wanted to be with me, essentially he was saying - I'm no longer allowing you to express yourself. Suddenly I was a bother because I wanted to spend time with him after school. Suddenly I had to apologize for the way I felt. Suddenly I was wayyyyyyyy too controlling and if I wanted him to come over to my house I was the most horrible person ever.

And then we started breaking up off and on so I was losing possession. What I mean by that is, when you break up, you realize you're no longer allowed to be intimate with them. You no longer share that bond, that connection. So, I no longer felt it was my right to be around him, to go to his house, to call him. And he actually reeeally made sure I knew that by the very end. Because he won't have a single thing to do with me. He won't let me have a single thing to do with him.

So the entire dreamworld, bubble that we were living in during the summer shattered. And I just no longer felt that tenderness for myself through him. It's like, if you can't express yourself anywhere in public, where can you express it? If I'm around a single person, I have to apologize. If I write in a journal entry, I have to apologize to the people reading it. If I write it on myspace I have to apologize, if I write it directly to someone I have to apologize. If I say it directly to someone I have to apologize. It's like I have no where to go?

I WANTED to be around people, but how could I if I couldn't express myself? How could I if I always had to ask first, IS IT OKAY... if I express myself now?

I still wanted Mike. Not so much an emotion of love, as my ego kept saying - why can't we just turn back time and go back to that dreamworld? Why can't we just pretend we still love each other? And I didn't let that go for a long time.

Amelia was a lot of help. My entire life she has always criticized my expression of myself, but she had moved out of my house and she was having trouble with Anthony so she needed support. And we just grew to have a bond. We never fought, we never clashed, our emotions never got in the way - not like they do now that she's moved back in. She completely let me express myself. Far more than Mike, in some ways. Because I was coming into my philosophical self and she respected that and admired it, in ways that Mike would just be like "that's weird".

And all that time, these two years, what have I been waiting for? Somebody to express myself to. Somebody to be intimate with again. Somebody who is willing to accept me. It's kind of the same thing about what I said with the Divine Mother concept. The way I needed to give Mike some space. I needed to accept that his life was his to govern, who he was was going to be was his choice to make and I needed to respect that in him.

I've always wanted someone to do that to me. Someone who says - yeah, you can be a little crazy, Melissa. But you know what you're doing and who you want to be and how you want to express that is up to you. Someone who didn't tried to always make me think about them.

You see, I Will Not change my bad methods of expressing myself, for other people. Because they're about the dire need to express myself. It's like a test, saying, I'm going to be the worst I can be and see if you still love me. I couldn't ever accept the fact that people would let me express myself, if I did it in a pretty way, if I did it in a compatible way to them. I had to know that I could have the freedom to express myself in any way, that I didn't have to feel unstable, I didn't have to feel that my expression was conditional - that I could only express myself in nice ways and if I slipped up UH OH I was in trouble.

I know that it's difficult to be around me when I'm at my worst. That's the point. The point is, will you let me be? No matter how I'm doing it, will you just let me be? And no, my family never could. And although my friends seemed to, I didn't trust them. I was too afraid to be myself around them, so I couldn't express myself anyway.

You do that with family, they know your worst. They see you when you just wake up, for example. They changed your diapers. etc etc etc, the list goes on. And you try to hide that from everybody else. I didn't try to hide that from Mike. That's why I felt like we were married. Because we had the intimacy of family, that you gain when you start living with somebody new, when they become your family. And that's why it felt like a divorce, in significance, when we broke up. We were literally divorced - in the sense that we had separated from each other, but our union wasn't marriage, it was a different concept.

I want to heal, and be healthy. People don't understand that. They think I'll always be at my worst. But the truth is, I just want to know that the decision is mine.

I tried to explain this to my mom and she did not grasp the concept. I said that my teacher Botsford told us that he didn't take attendance and he didn't care if we were there or not, it was our responsibility to be there and we had to be adults and make that decision. Most teachers essentially manipulate us into coming by taking away points if we're not there. He just said - hey, it's up to you.

And a lot of people abuse that, and don't come at all. But I like to come, I like to be responsible, truly. It makes me happy. And I especially enjoy coming to his class, even though it can be boring, because it's my choice. Because I know I'm not there because he's making me. I know that I'm there because I want to be. I don't want to be because it's fun, I want to be because it's responsible. That's my test. He's given that to me, he's said, I'm not going to make you come, so the test is, will you come anyway?

As an adult, I've decided to go.

My mom thinks that I'll never be responsible, I'll always be lazy and wasteful. When she goes on her trips for three weeks? I am responsible. Not as psychotically unwasteful as she is but I do turn off lights when I leave the room and things of that nature. Why do I do it? Because at heart, I want to be responsible, I want to be healthy and in sync with the natural order of things. But even though that's true all the time, why don't I do it when she's here? Because she's always trying to MAKE me do it. And I have never, in my entire life, wanted someone to get the pleasure of knowing that they've made me do something.

I've never let somebody manipulate me into doing something. That's why in a fight, I always win. For instance, when my mom goes DO THIS OR I'LL TAKE AWAY YOUR INTERNET! I say, go for it. Because I refuse to allow her to manipulate me into doing something. It's not always that I don't want to do whatever it is, although in earlier cases it was that I didn't want to go to school or whatever. But the point is - I would sacrifice anything to make the point that I refuse to be manipulated.

She always tried to bargain by taking away things that she thought were important to me, but they really weren't in comparison with this. This point was more important to me. And even though I may eventually give in (shh this is a secret), truth be told, I know that I only have to hold out until she gives up. I probably wouldn't give up the internet for the rest of my life just to make this point. But I can't live a lie. I can't live doing everything I do because I'm being made to. Even if I wanted to do the same thing, there is no distinction - it still appears that I'm doing it because I have to.

My mom has never understood that if she only backed off, I would be way more responsible than she thinks. Only a month ago she said in a firm voice that "things needed to change around here." And I reminded her that she's never been able to MAKE me do anything, so why try now? And I told her about the Botsford thing days before but she didn't understand that if she gives me freedom, I'll be more of who she wants me to be than if she tries to make me be who she wants me to be. I won't be everything, but I definitely won't be whatever she's afraid I'll be if she let's me.

It's not that she necessarily wants to control who I am, because she's always given me a lot of freedom to do what I want. But she has this insane obsession with money and with waste, she cannot stand waste. It's like people who are obsessed with organizing things, with having books straight or in alphabetical order or something and they cannot function when things are not in order. My mom can't function when things are being wasted. So she is always doing countermeasures to use as little of anything as possible. She ALWAYS makes too little dinner. I'm always wanting more dinner. I've always hated that.

I would much rather have too much dinner than too little dinner. She wouldn't. She would much rather have too little dinner than too much dinner, God forbid she wastes anything.

So she refuses to let me be, in regards to the house because she just HAS to have things her way, otherwise she can't function.

Yes, I'm sure I would find it in the DSMV.

In any case, it's the same concept with expression. My mom hasn't really controlled me in the sense that she's tried to make me be a good person. Most people make their kids do chores or get a job or do their homework etc. She's never done that. But she's always bitched about all the bad things I've done, like listen to rock music and wear black.

And she's always had a problem with my expression of myself, because it's that communication thing. She once brought me to a councilor, I don't even know what you could call her, a therapist perhaps, a psychologist maybe? Because she wanted the woman to tell me that there was something wrong with the way I communicated.

And yes, there was something wrong, but my mom never realized that there was a purpose for it. Sometimes the way we do things is wrong, but our intentions are not wrong. And she never had any faith in my intentions. People often read superficial levels. If you try to explain to them something wrong that they do, they jump to the conclusion that you hate them and you think they're a horrible person. They never seem to acknowledge that your intention was not to express hate or that they are a horrible person, it was to change things a little bit, in a productive way.

People do a lot of horrible things, because of good intentions. And I don't just mean how evil thinks that the things they are doing are good. I mean that the way people act, that is sometime perceived to be just simply arrogant, mean, defensive, cold, sarcastic, stupid etc. They build up these personality aspects for a purpose. You can blame them all you want for the wrong they're doing, but they often refuse to change because on the subconscious level, they still believe that they MUST carry out their purpose and that this is the only way to do it.

And so they need to identify that, and identify a better way to do things. Until they do that, many people just simply won't change, no matter how hard to try to make them.

I think that there's a better way to communicate. I think that my purpose can be carried out in a more harmonious way. I think that it will reflect the changes that have been made, that I'm a healthier person, that a lot of my wounds have healed and so I can function better. That's why I have changed my communication habits for the best. Not because it was the right thing to do according to my mom. Not because it was horrible to people and I felt guilty. I did it for me, because who I am is no longer expressed that way. But until things changed internally, my external behavior was adamant that it should not have to change.

I sometimes get defensive at other people's suggestions, even today. But I'm not as black and white as I used to be. I used to think that if people gave me one single suggestion they were essentially saying that I couldn't express myself. And that's the same thing with the intentions of people who are trying to help, but we jump to the conclusion that they're suddenly the enemy and it's wartime and if I don't take out my countermeasures, they're going to destroy me.

But it has been true, that a lot of people have not liked me. Have just plain, summed it up, they didn't like me. And that they refused to let me be who I was. And Mike didn't do that. I guess the extremity of how much he let me be who I was, hit me in my depths. I couldn't reach my subconscious because I didn't know what the hell the issue was. But what happened between us did touch my subconscious. Things didn't change right away, because I was still dependent on him. And that's part of the reason why things needed to end.

Because I still hadn't learned to communicate and express myself with everybody else. I was only doing it with him, only controlling myself and being responsible and mature with him.

I have grown a lot. Not completely, but I've made progress since then. I think, though, that I've brought up some walls because I feel that trusting him in such a naive way was foolish. Now I'm cautious.

I guess this all brings me to the two people I've dealt with since Mike, Dan and John. John does put conditions on who I am, and he is another one of those guys who wants me until he's got me and then he ditches me after a week. And he fucking keeps doing it. I should acknowledge that although that may never change in him, there's a reason why he's directing it at me. There's a reason why I'm attracting the kind of guy who will not let me express who I am. I just haven't applied what I've learned yet. I guess I should meditate on it. I don't yet know how I should behave towards him, how I should handle him, and what I should feel when I'm around him.

Perhaps I should just be able to love myself and love expressing myself regardless of his abrupt glass door blocking my way through the entrance. I keep trying to enter into a relationship with him and even though he invites me in the first place, invites me to be in his home to express myself there, he abruptly puts up that glass door and I don't anticipate it so I slam right into it each time. I need to learn that I don't need his invitation or his acceptance. That I can just be, no matter what. That even if he's rejected me I can still be. That I can still express myself without having to make apologies or feel guilty or bothersome.

And as far as Dan goes? I guess Dan has never recognized my flaws. He's always supported me in such an absurd way. He's always thought the best of me no matter what the truth is. It's not so farfetched, because I am a great person. I believe myself to be at heart, what he says I am. It's just that, he seems to be in denial, like he refuses to acknowledge my flaws. And when he does, they aren't even my flaws. Like he acknowledges that I lie. That would be acknowledging a flaw except I don't lie at all, except through my evasiveness - which is indirectly keeping the truth instead of outright lying.

In that sense, I don't feel threatened by Dan, surely. I don't feel unstable, I don't feel paranoid that suddenly he'll hate me, I almost don't think there's anything I could do wrong - what could I do to shatter his illusion of me? I don't know.

So when I talk to Dan I almost feel like there's a disconnect from reality. There always is, really. It's just that, most people think the worst of me - and they're so off from the reality. And he simply thinks the best of me, and he's only a little bit off from reality. Like he holds the immaculate concept. Except, as I said, he seems to be in denial. The immaculate concept would be to say - I believe that you will become beautiful. However, you don't have to be perfect, you don't have to have flawless hair and flawless skin and symmetrical, petite features. When he thinks of me, he seems to want the perfection, and the reality is, that I'm not perfect. I am beautiful, but I don't have flawless skin.

He seems to want to believe that I'm beautiful, and believe it by perceiving that I have flawless skin, which is a denial of the reality.

I don't quarrel so much about it because at least he still thinks I'm beautiful (and this is a metaphor by the way, although he does seem to think I'm beautiful, the point is that he approaches all of my personality aspects in this manner).

In any case, he has always let me express myself. And he lets me be a Divine Mother to him, what I should have been to Mike but I screwed up a little. I guess you could say that I give more to Dan than he gives to me. It's not an insult to him, it's just that the nature of our relationship is benefiting him more than it's benefiting me. It's definitely, definitely not harming me in any way. It's a healthy relationship. But it doesn't affect me the way the relationship with Mike did. And maybe that's just a part of maturing, you stop being emotionally influenced by everything around you.


BAHH. It's 8 in the morning and I have to get up at like 11 for a doctor's appointment. In order to get a working permit (because I'm 17 for a month and a half longer so I need one) I have to go see a physician and he has to sign off that I'm healthy enough to make coffee for people.

Can you sense my sarcasm? I have to pay $135 for him to be like YEP, YOU'RE HEALTHY ENOUGH TO MAKE COFFEE FOR PEOPLE FOR THE NEXT MONTH, until May 14th and then it doesn't really matter what I think because you're no longer a minor.

I'm okay with it. It's stupid but I could just wait until my birthday if I really wanted to. My mom is paying for it anyway. I just don't know if I should wait until the appointment and then go to sleep, cause I've been up all night and if I fall asleep and then wake up three hours later I'll be miserable. I'll be miserable if I stay awake until noon-thirty but it might just be easier to stay up.

So anyway I sent this message to John: "I've decided to retract my statement about not being friends. I didn't change my mind because of your not-call call. My perspective and understanding of things has simply changed. And I'm willing to go with the flow here. Obviously you're the current. And you're crazy. But I can handle it. So if you're willing to be friends, I'm willing to forgive and forget whatever I did to make you mad and whatever you did to make me mad."

And he said that he couldn't just tell Lyla we were friends again because he's always saying that we're not. So I told him I would tell her.

So I sent her this message:
"So, I've decided to forgive John. Because I told nearly two weeks ago that I didn't want to be friends any longer. I kind of just needed to break away from him, because - in all honesty, he's not trustworthy and I was trusting him. I was too close. I still don't trust him, but it's unhealthy for me to resent him and to be angry that he lies and changes his mind every two seconds. Ironically, that's the opposite of the nature of this message. He doesn't want to change his mind because of you.

See, I told him that I would like to be friends again. I'm not really eager to chat him up and I definitely don't want to hang out with him, but I need things to be neutral between us. Do you know what I mean? If I'm avoiding him and ignoring him because I'm afraid he'll hurt me or I'm angry at him - it's unhealthy for my emotional state.

So I'm trying to counter that, I'm trying to forgive him and move on. I can only hope that I don't fall for his bullshit again. Hopefully I'll be able to resist his crappy lying charm. Not to say that he'll give it to me, but I have to be honest, nothing has changed in him - from how he's felt about me all along. I still don't think he loves me or cares about me but he still has that interest in me, for whatever reason. I don't intend to encourage that interest.

So he said: you didnt make me mad. and i told lyla i wasnt talking to you anymore and this is like the 5th time, i cant just be like, oh yea, btw, me and melissa are talking again..so i dont know what to do, i wouldnt mind being friends with you, and i dont want it to sound like, snotty, or anything, you know what i mean? but yea, i dont know how lyla would react..idk.

And I said: I think you underestimate Lyla. She can handle more of the truth than you're ever willing to give her. Shielding her from reality, only ends up hurting her more.
If you want, I'll tell her that we're "friends" again.


And he said that he wanted me to ask you how you feel about it. So that's what I'm asking. I can understand that every single time John and I have been friends, things have had an unhappy ending for the three of us. But hiding from the situation doesn't help me, it may help the two of you but it doesn't help me. And I suppose since John eventually comes back to me with the offer of friendship, every time, it doesn't seem to work for him either. He'll pretend it does for a month, sometimes three or four months. But it doesn't help him.

And now I suppose I just want to know if it helps you, to pretend like the situation doesn't exist. I think that it's no different. He feels how he feels regardless of if he's talking to me or not. And I don't intend to help him cheat on you again. I haven't done so since August or whatever.

In any case, it's your move."



And I don't really care what she says. It's just that when he told me that he didn't want to be my friend because Lyla may not approve, it was that rejection thing and I recoiled because it hurts. My first instinct is to say Alright then let's not be friends. To act like I don't care. But that's a lie. It would be alright if I didn't care but I'm only pretending that I don't care. I do care, because I'm hurt that he has rejected me. The extremes are that I could be either begging him or ignoring him. But both are unhealthy, there needs to be a balance. So I'm not going to accept his rejection, I'm not going to beg for his friendship, but I'm not going to recoil at the slightest hint of a rejection.

Because I can be balanced about this. I can be in contact with him, knowing he doesn't want me as much as he wants Lyla, knowing that he has essentially rejected the idea of being my boyfriend. Right?

Well, that's the test. Can I be okay with it? I'm certainly going to try.

I'm still really offended that he loves Lyla and not me. Because he's always saying to me that he does like me... only not enough. There are plenty of people who don't love me and I'm alright with it, but he not saying that. He's saying he does like me except it's just not enough.

But I have to find a way to be okay with the rejection. To accept it for what it is. And to not be afraid to express myself anyway. I can just be and do and say whatever I want, without his invitation or acceptance. Regardless of his rejection.

I mean I know that still wants me to express myself even though he has rejected dating me. But it's not enough to know that. I have to know that even if he didn't want my expression anymore, that I would still be ready to do it.

Because that's what has made me such a recluse since Mike. I said FINE you don't want me to express myself? Fuck you, I won't be around any of you. I didn't want to discriminate, I just decided to recoil from everybody, to keep my distance from everybody.

Which was definitely unfair because what about the people who did want to be my friend? It was like I was spiting everybody. Saying, I'll give you what you want and you'll regret it. Only the people who didn't like me in the first place obviously don't regret it and the people who did mind didn't deserve to be punished in the first place. So that was a bad plan.

I just feel that I can fully express myself here, along in my room. I've found a way to do it. And I needed that. I needed a safe haven to heal and to become myself. But I can't be hidden away for ever, I have to come back out into the scary world and show that I can handle it.

You would not believe the difference it is to be in my room with the door closed and locked and then to be in my room with the door wide open. To have such directly comparable experiences. Like when you have two pictures side by side and you're trying to find the subtle things that have changed in the second picture.

Only these are not as subtle. I've just grown to feel so safe when I'm behind the locked door. Even though I experience the world through my computer, obviously I'm disconnected from people to a certain extent. I had a lot of confrontational stuff. I mean, essentially my whole lunch table told me they didn't like me. Kyle and Garland were saying it because I wouldn't let them sit in my seat during computer. In fact both of them liked me just a month later and Garland even asked me out in time. But Evah said she didn't like me and Mike said he didn't like me and Shannon was the only one, how ironic, who said that she didn't have a problem with me. Not that she liked me, but that she was neutral.

It was too hard to deal with that. I didn't believe in myself enough at that point, I wasn't secure enough to not be bothered by it. I could resist it but I wasn't protected from it. And I needed to learn how, by retreating into my little locked room. But now that I've learned how I need to apply it. I need to open my door and not be bothered by the exposed feeling, the insecurity of knowing that now somebody is perceiving me and can hate me for what they see.