It's only been ten days since I've last written in here...

I don't feel myself. Too busy. Too on the cusp of life changes. But my life doesn't feel like me. I guess it should. That would probably be healthier.

All in the past month I got a job, got a checking account, signed a year lease to a one bedroom apartment and had sex.

So now I work at Starbucks 40 hours a week and I live on my own.
Well, I'm moving in my furniture today.

That's so weird. I had this dream that my mom said something to... one of my sisters. It might have been Stephanie. But it also might have been Amelia. More likely Stephanie. I can't remember the exact words or meaning. It was like, I would say things and she would have this look on her face, like she was bored or she didn't like it or me or something. And my mom thought it was....? I'm not sure. But she challenged her on it.

I'm so tired of dreaming. I'm so damn sick and tired of dreaming about work. And now apartments. That's all I dream about. I don't even feel like I'm dreaming about people anymore, just me and places. I did dream, last night, that Amelia wanted the couch, here in the house, that I was going to take to my apartment. So we were trying to work it out. But in the dream it folded out into a bed and ours doesn't do that.

I dreamt some shit about a horror movie with Scooby-Doo. And the images it put into my head were terrible. I didn't want them there. And I told the director that he could not use Scooby-Doo again. Cause I guess he was my dog, that's why I was on the set. The director didn't like that, but I can't remember what happened. Just that it didn't get any better.

Please stop. I have to think about these things when I'm awake. It's too much for me to think about them when I'm asleep as well. On my first day off after working at Quiznos, I had like five dreams about working there. I seriously could not stop. I woke up the first time and I was like, oh, I dreamt about Quiznos. And I just kept doing that, waking up and realizing I'd had another dream. I hated it. I didn't like working there and I couldn't stand that when I wasn't working there, I was still working there in my dreams. All of them were different, with different settings and different shit going on. But it all meant the same to me.

What life have I gotten myself into? I miss my life just two months ago. They weren't selling the house, I hadn't had sex in two years, I was writing my book and relaxing all day, not working. I didn't have money to spend, but I didn't have obligations to spend it, I could do what I wanted when I wanted - go anywhere at any time, for any amount of time. Hang out with friends whenever I wanted. I wasn't using my alarm clock.

Even college was a lot different than this. A lot better. I mean, I was bored. But I was intellectually stimulated. I mean, I felt that I was bored intellectually, but I was using my brain in any case. Do you know what I mean? Intelligence is not in any way shape or form used while I'm making Frappachinos. Memory maybe and a little common sense.

I miss having my intellect stimulated. I miss thinking. I miss understanding. What is there to understand about Starbucks? I miss having those 40 hours for myself, instead of for Starbucks. I get home from Starbucks and I'm so tired, all I can do is sleep and then wake up again and go to Starbucks. Even on my day off, like today, I couldn't stay up all night because I was just too exhausted.

In college, I felt that what I was being taught was not up to par with my standards of wisdom. It was always lacking. But I was always happy to try to fill in the missing pieces, to add my own interpretations and perceptions and wisdom to the puzzle.

There is no puzzle right now. It's not even relevant. And partly I feel guilty. Because I had so much time to myself the past two years, and I didn't use it as much as I should have. I didn't really WORK on my book. I only did it when it suited me. I never pushed myself to make it happen. And I told myself that part of it was because it was a self-discovery, a discovery about philosophy and psychology as well. And it hadn't been fully discovered, (or ever will be, incidentally). What I mean is, I have to take it a step at a time. And I don't think that two years ago, I was ready to know what I know now.

Maybe I was, though. Not two years ago, but definitely this summer. I also told myself that I needed to work on my people issues before I finished my book. And now that I've worked on register, and had coworkers and managers and a landlord, I have worked with people. But I'm sick of it. I'm sick of seeing their faces. So blank and empty.

They're not psychological to me. I mean, I can't feel it or see it. I see faces. I want to understand people, not see their faces. I want to understand me, not see their faces. When I'm alone, I'm constantly picturing myself in an imaginative mirror. But instead of seeing my face, I see my presentation of myself. I see how my actions and expressions reflect my psychology and I trace back those lines to my subconscious - to areas I wouldn't even notice or consider otherwise.

But here's the thing, complaining isn't productive. During those 40 hours of free time I usually have, I fully believe that life is not simply how it's meant to be, but that it simply is how it is. Meaning, it's not always perfect, or even right. But it does make sense. It's not an accident or a random occurrence.

So I can't accept that this is right for me. But I can accept that this is happening because of a reason. That it wouldn't happen if it didn't fit into me. Not the best of me, but the worst of me. Because we always get what we deserve. Not just karmically, but we get what we're subconsciously asking for.

Consciously, I can't imagine asking for this. But subconsciously, I know that I can't just quit and move to VA with my parents. I could do that, I could go back to my freedom and lack of responsibilities. But I asked for this. I haven't yet discovered why, but I did ask for it.

I was even directly told by The Masters to move to VA. And I said no. Even consciously I said no. I said no, knowing that I would have to go back to Starbucks for eight hours the next day.

When I pictured my life, I pictured more freedom to be me. I mean, an eight hour job is completely normal. But that also happens in the first eight hours of the day. Whereas mine happens right there in the day time. Not the morning, not the night. But the day time. I don't see Isis at all, unless I say hi to her for five minutes at 9 AM.

I get back and I could enjoy the night, I usually do, but as I said, I'm so tired, I have to sleep. I must have gone to sleep at 2 last night, I was stretching it as much as I could. I got seven hours of sleep and my eyes still hurt. I'm still tired. There's no way that I can enjoy the morning. Which is my problem.

I can't ask them to put me on an earlier shift. I could go in to work at 5AM and get out of there at 1. And then I have the rest of the day for myself. But how can I do that to myself? How can I tell myself to go to bed at 9 so that I can wake up at 4AM? I mean, wow, that's torture in all senses of the word. Okay, maybe not all. But it's torture nevertheless.

And that's the thing, I'm really just screwing myself. And I feel guilty because the life that I pictured, with no responsibilities, I had. And I didn't do much. I didn't seize the day and use the time I had to finish my book. I just jacked off and let it fly by, thinking I'd always have it. I didn't think that my job would so consume me.

But maybe it's consuming me for a reason as well. I mean, I won't ask for an earlier shift. And I'm dead tired when I get home. Though that's not strange, because I was like that after school as well. But only on Tuesdays was it bad. I mean, I'd want to go to sleep at 10PM every night, regardless. But on Tuesdays I was gone for nine hours. The other days I had lots of time.

But I mean, how tired you are is also psychological. It's not just your body's persuasions. Why would my body ask for ten hours of sleep? Physically my body doesn't even ache from working anymore, now that I'm out of Quiznos. Because psychologically, I didn't want to work at Quiznos, so my feet hurt in an expression of that.

I enjoy working at Starbucks. I enjoy spending time there. But not 40 hours a week. Ten hours a week might be good. But I can't pay my $750 rent on 10 hours a week. I only have a little bit left over after 40 hours.

...

Even now, what little time I have, when I'm not exhausted, I spend watching TV. I should stop that. I should return all my books and movies. So that I have no choice but to write and think when I get home.

And I also want to settle into it. Settle into my new apartment, my new responsibilities. I'm on the cusp right now and it's difficult to make something of a cusp. I didn't expect to move out for a couple of months, really.

My parents have set a date for Oct 15, Isis's birthday, incidentally.. with the people who are moving in here. And they keep going to VA to look at a house they want to buy down there. But I looked at apartments in August.. for Oct. That was stupid of me. Because obviously, people who are ready to rent, are putting their apartments up to get them rented by Sept 1. And that's what my landlord told me, that she had to get it rented by Sept 1st. I was hoping to save up a couple months of money first. My mom helped me out a lot. And when I say a lot, I mean $1200. It's like, I have the money, but I don't because they hold my pay for a week, and my "month" of work doesn't begin on the first. If it did, I wouldn't get the pay until the 14th, anyway.

So I began on like the 9th of August. So my "month" of working will probably end on the 11th of Sept. So if my rent is due at the first of the month, and I don't get it all until two weeks into the month, then I need to stay ahead. Which, would have happened if I had had an extra month of working. Then I would have had like $1700 saved up. And taking out $750 (or whatever it would have been, since it probably would have been another apartment, and probably cheaper, because I made the mistake of falling in love with the apartment and refusing to look elsewhere, and just sucking up the price) out of that, and earning another $900 in Oct, would have left me set for how things were going. See what I'm saying? I would have always had more.

Security would have put me behind, of course. But I would have asked my mom to help me with that.

So one might be curious to know why I purposely (at least purposely subconsciously) put myself in this situation. Why. Why did I make things harder for myself. I thought my life was going to be easy.

And it's not hard so far, just annoying. But that's because I have my mom. If I didn't, um, I'd be screwed. I simply couldn't have said yes to that apartment if not for my mom. I wouldn't have any furniture if not for my mom's generosity. She's giving me so much.

And I'm so willing to take it. Perhaps Amelia doesn't think she deserves to take it.

Wait a minute, I thought I was the one who thought I didn't deserve these things????

I guess when it comes to material objects, I do think I deserve them. I'm used to being rich (in past lives) and I can feel myself wanting to live that way again. Although, I can also imagine living poor in past lives as well, because it's like I'm used to living rich but I have a certain detachment to material things and money, like I don't want to get involved - oh wait, that probably means I was rich too.

I think the income earners are very hungry for money, but the people who live off of them, are not. Because they've always had it, and they don't worry about it. They just flaunt it. People who don't have money, always worry about it, so they're obsessed with it. So I probably wasn't the income earner in a past life, I was probably the wife or the daughter or the son or someone who could just enjoy the money...

And even so, people who don't have money, want it, and want all the things that they're missing out on. Generally speaking. People who are rich, are also obsessed with material things, but perhaps, in another life, I realized that they didn't mean very much to me. Or maybe just in this life, I realized from living with my mom, that they didn't mean much to me.

I personally think I have a lot of classy stuff, though. Not classy in comparison to someone who is rich. But I mean, I have enough of what I value in material things. And I'm not greedy for more. I think that's what I lack.

I lack ambition to get things as well. Like, I'll easily accept whatever my mom gives me for free or whatever I can get cheap at a yard sale. But hmm.. I don't know. I probably don't want to spend money from being with my mom. It's hard to say, why exactly I'm detached from business transactions.

... I have to start moving in my furniture...

I find it hard to get a grip on reality lately. I just do not know what's what.

[01:29] IAMSpartacus117: I could have gone to bed fucking happy and content today.
[01:30] IAMSpartacus117: but you had to be you.
[01:38] IAMSpartacus117: I enjoy being your friend. and I'm going to miss you when we're not friends. but I can't do this on my own. I can't be friends with your apathy.
[01:38] IAMSpartacus117: I have nothing.
[01:39] IAMSpartacus117: You've never given me the slightest idea that you in any way shape of form enjoy my company, or even like me or respect me or find anything about me remotely pleasing.
[01:40] IAMSpartacus117: you're apathetic about me.
[01:41] IAMSpartacus117: All I know is that at any second you could suddenly decide that you're bored or I'm too annoying and go back to ignoring me for a year.
[01:41] IAMSpartacus117: It's not a friendship.
[01:41] IAMSpartacus117: what we have.
[01:42] IAMSpartacus117: if you had it your way, we'd have nothing.
[01:42] IAMSpartacus117: I just fill in the blanks.
[01:42] IAMSpartacus117: and make it look like something.
[01:42] IAMSpartacus117: I don't deserve such a shitty friend as you.
[01:43] IAMSpartacus117: I deserve someone who is willing to express that they give a shit about me.
[01:43] IAMSpartacus117: I deserve someone who gives a shit about me.
[01:47] IAMSpartacus117: I deserve someone who likes me. You'd think I wouldn't have to explain the requirement to a friend.
[01:48] IAMSpartacus117: So if you can't like me. I'm not going to be your friend.
[01:51] IAMSpartacus117: I'm tired of you. Tired of all you stupid fucking issues. That I forgive you for on a daily basis. I empathize. I know them well. I know what it feels like to have some of the issues you have. But I'm sacrificing way too much, allowing you to be way under the bar.
[01:51] IAMSpartacus117: Always expecting so damn little of you.
[01:52] IAMSpartacus117: Because I honestly believe that you have little to give, because of your issues. If you at all understand what I'm talking about.
[01:52] IAMSpartacus117: But if you can't get over them enough to express the smallest thingest, you don't fucking deserve friends.
[01:52] IAMSpartacus117: You deserve to be alone.
[01:54] IAMSpartacus117: It's awesome, when I feel like we're connecting.
[01:54] IAMSpartacus117: And I guess, I felt like even if you thought we were connecting too, you wouldn't say anything.
[01:55] IAMSpartacus117: But if you didn't feel like we were connecting, you also wouldn't say anything. so how am I to know if it makes a damn bit of difference to you?
[01:56] IAMSpartacus117: I guess if calling me a slut is your way of expressing fondness.
[01:58] IAMSpartacus117: and I desperately miss the simpler times. 20 minutes ago. when I was holding back from saying anything to you. when I refused to ask anything of you. Because I feel like now that I have, well, you're not going to give it to me. Why should you give a damn about me? Who am I to you? What benefit do I bring to your little life?
[01:58] IAMSpartacus117: what benefit does anybody bring to your little life?
[01:59] IAMSpartacus117: But I can't take it back.
[01:59] IAMSpartacus117: I can't go back to pretending like I'm not tortured by how little I mean to you.
[01:59] IAMSpartacus117: sorry, how NOTHING I mean to you.
[01:59] IAMSpartacus117: little would be nice.
[02:02] IAMSpartacus117: If you don't want to be my friend. fine. fuck off.
[02:02] IAMSpartacus117: But if you do want to be my friend. you have to tell me. Cause I'm not going to waste my time on someone who doesn't even like me. Who doesn't even enjoy being around me.
[02:03] IAMSpartacus117: That's one of the stupidest things I could do.
[02:03] IAMSpartacus117: And I'm such an intelligent person.
[02:05] IAMSpartacus117: So I'm going to go back to reading my book, cause it's due tomorrow. And I'm not going to talk to you not tomorrow, not the next day until you tell me that you care. And if you can't do that, then I guess you don't get to see me in my awesome plaid skirt.
[02:06] IAMSpartacus117: have a blast playing WOW.
[02:06] IAMSpartacus117: bye.

This is an important thing to realize about myself. I'm afraid to want. I'm afraid to hope for something I won't get. To not deserve to get what I want. I do everything I can to avoid wanting something.

For instance, I want unrealistic things. I want to have summer all year round. I want it to be green and rainy all year round.

NY winters are probably not going to go away just for me. That's what I believe. And that same mindset is what keeps me from wanting other things. I feel like people won't cater to my needs. That the universe won't cater to my needs. I feel like even if I want something, I'm not going to get it because my own damn psychology won't cater to my needs.

And it's slightly realistic, of course. There's a balance. But it's also stemmed from fear more than from reality. I fear hoping and dreaming and expecting. I fear that nothing and no one will support me or give me what I deserve - because I fear that I deserve nothing.

Why do I feel like I don't deserve to be taken care of?

Just today, in the shower I think.. I told myself I was never going to ask James out.

My mom told me today to move to Virginia with her. And the first thing I thought was, I don't want to leave James. Not a single other thing came to mind. Not even Isis, jeezus. All I could thing was, I don't want to leave James.

What do I want from my life? I clearly want James. And yet I have strongly decided against asking him out. I have strongly decided that the very thing I want I will NOT ask for. Why would I do that to myself?

I want things to fall into place. I don't want to go looking for lifestyle choices. I know what I don't want, but I feel like the best thing to do is to be open to what I do want, to let someone else choose it for me.

And in part, this was realistic of me. Because it stemmed from my ego always wanting irrational, unhealthy things. And I knew that I had to understand that what was best for me was not always what the ego wanted. But there again, the only time I ever expressed what I wanted, I gave in to believing that I didn't deserve it because it was my ego talking.

And yes, my ego doesn't deserve to get what it wants. It's a parasite. But I deserve to get what I want. I deserve the right to decide what I want. I deserve the faith, my own faith, that I can unify my will with my higher self and make appropriate decisions. But my will has to believe in it, has to will it, has to manifest it. I can't wait for my higher self to hand it to me on a plate.

In other words, it was an X-factor. A variable. I didn't know what I wanted, so I was just waiting for X to be replaced with something tangible. But it won't be replaced with anything tangible unless I make it happen. And I can't make it happen unless I know what I want. So I have to stop making excuses for not deserving things, I have to stop telling myself NOT to will anything to happen. I have to believe that I do have the power to will what I want, I do have the right to want something in the first place.

I even go as far as to say I don't want something. I say, I want James. And then I think, well, why don't I ask him out? Why don't I try to get what I want? And then I tell myself, well, I mean, I don't want him THAT bad. What really do I want? Probably not him. Maybe just some hanging out and some kissing, and I can get that without dating him. So I don't really need to make anything happen that hasn't already happened.

I talk myself out of wanting what I want just so I have an excuse not to make it happen. Because if I really wanted James that bad, why wouldn't I risk asking him out? What the fuck could happen? A slight embarrassment at the worst.

I keep saying that I'll wait for it to fall in place. I'll wait for us to connect so much so that dating will be the only logical next step. I tell myself that I've first got to make out with him, because then I can open up to him and get him to open up to me, establish an emotional connection with him. It all happens from kissing. That's why we haven't kissed, because we're too afraid of breaching that emotional connection.

But our lips aren't going to accidentally fall on each other. Hell, our lips have been essentially against each other for like a solid hour. And we didn't kiss. This was three years ago. It's not going to turn into kissing on accident. One of us has to will it. And it's not going to be James. Jeezus, I can't expect to depend on him. He does not act on his desires. I so wish he would. lol. But there I go hoping for the impossible...

No, I can't even expect the kissing to fall into place. I have to make a kiss happen. And I keep on fucking making excuses. I am so afraid to make that willful action. I am always afraid to try to do anything when it involves another person. Afraid that I don't deserve their blessing.

I mean, think of my book. Think of the fact that I want to help people. That's what I want to do with my life. But simultaneously, I don't want to even connect with people. How can I establish anything, any helping relationship if I don't want to be anywhere near people. I'm so afraid to connect with people. Yes, I have overcome my fear of strangers. I'm better about strangers. Better at communicating with them. But that does not mean that I connect with them. That's the whole point, I can deal with them as they are, strangers.

I'm so good at flirting with guys. But as soon as they get into this invisible zone of closeness, emotional closeness, I just turn cold. I don't know how to act or react. That guy I like at work, came and sat and talked to me on my break.

I just feel dried up. Like there was no warmth on my part, no enthusiasm, no eagerness, no happiness. I feel awkward. I feel like I had nothing to offer him because I was so dried up. But maybe I feel like that in the first place.

You should see me with James. I'm like extremely easy going when it comes to talking to him. Online or in person, I can gracefully flirt and interact. But he's like a freakin turtle in his shell. And I like that. I realized last night that it's, for me, almost like I'm talking to myself. I'm comfortable. I don't expect that he enjoys sitting there listening to me ramble. But because he's so quiet, I do feel like he's just an audience, and I'm the only one I'm really interacting with. And in a sense, I am.

That's why when he actually interacts with me, I freeze up. Like when he came to pick me up to go to his house for the weekend, just... the action of planning something with him, getting a bag of stuff ready and heading out with him was just too personal. It made me feel incredibly awkward. Like I didn't belong there, I didn't belong or deserve to plan something with him, to be a part of his life, to have him a part of mine.

I felt extremely uneasy for the first ten minutes. I feel like my responses just didn't fit in place. It took me a while. And I think that I felt like I was talking to him, instead of just talking to myself while he watched. I suppose, that's what I'm used to with my journal. I talk to people, but I'm not really talking to them, I'm talking to myself first and foremost, and they're just listening in on my conversation. I have no problem having them listen in. I have no secrets to hide, really. But to establish a direct connection, to be one on one.. scares the hell out of me. Like how I used to not be able to make eye contact very well.

And now I can, but again, it's that stranger thing. It's, I've balanced a way of talking to people but keeping this big gap in between me and them, a gap of safety, like they have to jump over a ravine to touch me so I must be safe.

It was like that again when James came over the other day. I don't know why. He was really cute and talkative. And I was just like.. stunted? Like my communication didn't flow well with his. My sentences were out of place. It felt really awkward for me. Almost like, I feel this closeness and I run from it. I freeze or I retract and I almost feel like I'm betraying them. Betraying their effort, pushing them away, rejecting their warmth. Like the actual awkwardness comes from that in between place. Where I can no longer expect to be a stranger, but I fear being anything more. So I withdraw in a way that keeps me from establishing a warm connection with them, but I also have to hold back from becoming a stranger, because we've already come too far.

Yet, I feel guilty because I did retract when I wasn't supposed to. I did withdraw when I should have openly shared my warmth and heart with them.

I mean, the weekend was great. It was very comfortable and easy and I felt pretty close to him. But I think I've always felt like James doesn't want to be around me. I've always felt like he'd rather be somewhere else, that he doesn't have any respect or fondness for my personality. Like I'm nothing to him. It's not that I've gotten that impression from him, per se. It's that I felt a certain comfort in knowing I didn't have to expect anything more from him.

To feel like James actually wants to see me, talk to me, enjoy me.. that scares me. We've hung out a lot but it was so depersonalized. You can sit and enjoy a movie with anyone. Because you concentrate on the movie. And I enjoyed playing cards because I could watch him play, admire him from a distance. It's never been about us. Even the weekend at his house, it was about our bodies. We cuddle, but it's about our bodies, not us.

I feel awkward bonding with my family. Bonding with my parents or Amelia or any of the other siblings. I feel awkward bonding with friends. It's almost like ever since I moved here, I've permanently detached myself from everybody. Like I never gained a best friend. I haven't had a best friend for like five years. I never wanted to be anybody else's best friend. Most of the people I was romantically involved with had boyfriends or girlfriends - from the guys online to Shannon, to guys I fell for here like John or Dave. James hasn't had a gf, but he's been in love with her, so it was the same. Like I want to avoid being the focus of anyone's affection. I don't want a direct connection. I want people who don't want a direct connection with me.

It wasn't like that with Mike, of course. That was the most direct connection I've ever had. But as to why that happened, I couldn't begin to guess. It seems random and out of place.

There's an outer image that represents you and interacts with people. I'm fine with that. That's what I do with James. I use my outer image. Not my looks, but the Melissa that paints a representative picture of who I am inside. Although that's a very vague thing to say - who I am inside. But I'm not going to even open up that door. In any case, I can let people in my head. Clearly, I have no problem keeping secrets. I'm not ashamed of what's in my head. But I can't let anyone touch it. I'm fine being alone, but I can't allow myself to express my desire to interact with people.

Ugh, I don't even know what I'm explaining, it's all began to jumble in my head. I just know that I can let people listen to the real me. I can let them observe it, realize it. But I can't express it to them. I'm afraid to express it. I can talk about it, I can feel it and explain how I feel. But I'm afraid to express it. I'm afraid to be me towards someone. Afraid, I suppose, of getting what I feel I deserve. Which is nothing. I don't feel that I deserve to express myself and be enjoyed. Amelia and Loren and James and other people, they make it kind of a joke - I talk too much. And nobody really cares to hear what I have to say. But I never shut up.

Well, I've made that my own joke with James. It's like, I'm used to believing that nobody really cares about my expression. I express it anyway, for me. I'm used to saying, you don't like it? well fuck you. I like it.

But I find it hard to believe that I could actually find someone who liked my expression. I've always believed it to be a nuisance, more than anything. Like people are just doing me a favor by letting me do my thing in their presence, even though they couldn't care less.

This is why I chose writing my book. I chose to not talk to people I know about this stuff. I chose to impersonally give myself a blank sheet, where I could, again, talk to myself, express myself, to no one in particular, so that I could expect no one in particular to connect with my expression. So that there was, again, that ravine. That no one could cross.

I want to help people... from a distance.

Even when I do connect with people. I feel like I have to say, what the fuck do I do with this? Like there's this foreign obtrusive object sitting in my face and I'm like - well, I'll let it hang out for a while but then I'm getting rid of it. It's unnatural for me to connect with people, to establish a warmth, a feeling of closeness - to establish a relationship/friendship. The concept seems illogical to me. It just doesn't make sense. I can't make it make sense. It just doesn't seem natural.

I have to meditate on what I want. Let it sink in. I have to know that I deserve to get what I want, and I better start willing it to happen. Cause my parents are moving fast.

[22:52] PoobTheBoob: tell me a story
[22:52] IAMSpartacus117: okay.
[22:52] IAMSpartacus117: the only reason this happened is because I haven't been able to deal with my anger lately... because of the stress of working and my parents moving. like waking up after only four hours and going to sleep in my car.
[22:53] IAMSpartacus117: so I was driving to work and this guy pulled out and cut me off. and I instantly decided to punish him by tailing him, which I usually don't do. And never thought I would do, because it's dangerous for like ten reasons, to instigate road rage.
[22:53] IAMSpartacus117: but I wanted to punish him.
[22:54] IAMSpartacus117: so he taps his breaks. I tap my breaks. He put on his breaks harder and more sudden and I did the same, but I kept on his ass.
[22:54] IAMSpartacus117: and he slowed down and finally stopped all the way and got out of his car and came over and pointed his big fat finger (even though he wasn't fat) at my window and told me to get off his ass or he would call the cops.
[22:55] IAMSpartacus117: So I rolled down my window and he put his finger in my face and said it again and I told him to go ahead, so I could tell the cops how he cut me off.
[22:55] IAMSpartacus117: And thankfully, he didn't do much else. I told him to pull over and let me pass. he told me to go ahead and pass illegally in a no passing zone. and I told him to Pull Over And Let Me Pass. So he got in his car and he pulled over and I zoomed ahead.
[22:56] IAMSpartacus117: Oh I forgot to say that the only reason I did it is because he was going under the speed limit and I was in a hurry. I don't mind when people cut me off. I really don't. But when they cut me off and THEN go under the speed limit. And there's a no passing zone. That drives me nuts. If you're in such a hurry that you can't wait five seconds for me to pass, you must be in such a hurry that you can at least go the speed limit.
[22:57] IAMSpartacus117: So after I saw that he was going only 50 in a 55. :p then I started tailing him.
[22:57] IAMSpartacus117: He looked about 40 and I think he was gay, by the sound of his voice.
[22:59] IAMSpartacus117: I better not tell Amelia and Loren about that story. It'll only fuel their "melissa is the worst driver ever" campaign.
[23:00] PoobTheBoob: that sht happens to me all the time
[23:00] PoobTheBoob: so annoying
[23:01] IAMSpartacus117: people pulling over and yelling at you? or cutting you off and then going 15 under the speed limit?
[23:01] PoobTheBoob: cutting me off then goin slow
[23:01] IAMSpartacus117: yeah. it sucks really bad.
[23:03] IAMSpartacus117: my mom selling the house is really stressing me out.
[23:03] IAMSpartacus117: when we moved from Utah, that was the absolute worst time in my life.
[23:05] IAMSpartacus117: like it's not so much the fact that she's doing it in the first place. It's the way she does it. the things she does. Like cleaning my room and taking all the stuff I use and putting it in the bathroom or the attic. Instead of leaving it right there. Like someone's not going to buy the house because there's a bottle of lotion on my damn table.
[23:05] IAMSpartacus117: The table my mirror was sitting on broke because the mirror fell because they moved it to put that dresser in my room.
[23:06] IAMSpartacus117: I can't find my yum yum cups, and that's their fault for moving things out of my old room and putting them God knows where. even though that happened a year ago. I'm thinking about how when I move half of the things I expected to still have will be thrown away because my mom always does that behind my back.
[23:06] IAMSpartacus117: this shit combined with working on my feet for eight hours a day, is just making me almost completely incapable of keeping my equilibrium.
[23:08] PoobTheBoob: life sucks
[23:09] IAMSpartacus117: that's the thing. It usually doesn't for me. I'm so optimistic, positive, happy, satisfied. I have problems, but I overcome them.
[23:09] IAMSpartacus117: LIfe is good for me.
[23:10] IAMSpartacus117: But making stupid quiznos subs all day and dealing with my INSANE, ILLOGICAL mom is just not working for me.
[23:10] IAMSpartacus117: even though I'm done with that for now.
[23:10] IAMSpartacus117: quiznos.
[23:10] IAMSpartacus117: I start Starbucks on Tuesday.
[23:11] IAMSpartacus117: To be honest, I'm going to miss Quiznos. It was getting fun, especially since I finally know how to do things and where everything is.
[23:11] IAMSpartacus117: But oh well.
[23:12] IAMSpartacus117: I had just started to flirt with the cute Bulgarians from the pizza place.
[23:12] IAMSpartacus117: now I'll never see them.
[23:12] IAMSpartacus117: and they go back to Bulgaria soon, I think.
[23:13] IAMSpartacus117: you probably haven't, but have you ever heard of Jon and Justin Strata? from c-a?
[23:13] IAMSpartacus117: they're twins.
[23:13] PoobTheBoob: nope
[23:14] IAMSpartacus117: oh.
[23:15] IAMSpartacus117: well one of them works in quiznos and the other works in starbucks.
[23:16] IAMSpartacus117: Jon is the one I've been working with. he's kind of a jerk. he was being mean to me today. Like not mean, mean. But mean as in he was giving me shit and I was giving him shit. But it was still shit. So I was making subs and he was bitching about them so I told him to stop standing there smug and to help me. And he said he didn't know what smug meant and I told him I didn't have time to explain it to him, so he told me to go on break and right down the definition for him. So I did.
[23:16] IAMSpartacus117: and gave it to him.
[23:16] IAMSpartacus117: Though he probably didn't read it.
[23:16] IAMSpartacus117: he was a little bit nicer to me after that. Not nice, just, he stopped the meanness.
[23:17] IAMSpartacus117: In any case, from what I've seen, his brother is a little bit nicer.
[23:17] IAMSpartacus117: One of the girls at Starbucks even said so when I told her Jon threatened to make me cry because I put bacon on one of the sandwiches that it wasn't supposed to be on.
[23:18] IAMSpartacus117: So I'm kind of glad to be dealing with Justin instead of Jon.
[23:18] IAMSpartacus117: He's a superviser, so he gets to boss me around a bit.
[23:21] IAMSpartacus117: he even wears a white shirt and Jon wears a black shirt.
[23:21] IAMSpartacus117: I think that says a lot :p
[23:21] IAMSpartacus117: Jon is the evil twin.

[23:46] IAMSpartacus117: I'm going to watch James Bond. :)
[23:47] IAMSpartacus117: it soothes me.
[23:47] PoobTheBoob: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii bet
[23:47] IAMSpartacus117: no, it really does. it's very simple, uncomplicated, unemotional.
[23:47] IAMSpartacus117: dependable.
[23:48] IAMSpartacus117: he kills people and it's not big deal. he sleeps around and it's no big deal. he gets all the bad guys in the end.
[23:48] IAMSpartacus117: realistically, he's a shitty person. but there's something simple, uncomplicated, unemotional, dependable and thus, soothing about it.

[22:18] IAMSpartacus117: I don't like it when I can tell that my perception of reality is biased.
[22:19] IAMSpartacus117: Like, whenever I like a guy, I always put him on a pedestal, when he doesn't deserve it. like Mike. Jeezus, how could I have ever admired him.
[22:19] IAMSpartacus117: Like, when I want someone, I make myself believe things so that wanting them makes sense.
[22:20] IAMSpartacus117: and when I do it, I always have a grand take on it. like soul mates and meant to be and just huge things of that nature, destiny and all that crap.
[22:20] IAMSpartacus117: I always put a deep, spiritual spin on it.
[22:20] IAMSpartacus117: when it probably doesn't deserve it.
[22:21] IAMSpartacus117: Personally, I think we all do it, with everything, in huge ways and small ways. we all spin reality to believe what we need to believe.
[22:22] IAMSpartacus117: but it irritates me that I can simultaneously do it and realize I'm doing it. because then I get to see how foolish I am.
[22:23] IAMSpartacus117: and I hate how my sense of worth is all about being special.
[22:23] IAMSpartacus117: I think I'm extremely special. I really do. I'm completely full of myself.
[22:24] IAMSpartacus117: I skipped a grade. I find myself specially beautiful. a rarity for my wisdom and intelligence.
[22:25] IAMSpartacus117: I, myself, put my own qualities on a pedestal, which is fine because I'm happy to be what I admire. But I'm doubly full of myself because I am all those qualities that I admire. like I'm special for choosing to be that way, amazing, brilliant.
[22:25] IAMSpartacus117: the only reason I do it is because I have no other defined self worth. and I need something. because it sucks to hate myself.
[22:26] IAMSpartacus117: but being proud of myself doesn't give me a solid, healthy self worth. it's just shit.
[22:26] IAMSpartacus117: it gives me mood swings of self worth.
[22:27] IAMSpartacus117: if I look beautiful, I love myself. but if I get a sense of any of my flaws I throw them out of proportion and I loathe myself.
[22:27] IAMSpartacus117: if I'm not the most intelligent person around I feel empty. like I'm nothing without my "special" status.
[22:28] IAMSpartacus117: In some ways I do stand out, at least from the people I know. but I don't want that to be my defined self worth.
[22:29] IAMSpartacus117: I don't want to put the fact that I stand out as a magnificent quality, so that I focus on it and blow it out of proportion so that I'll have something to hang on to.
[22:30] IAMSpartacus117: I don't want to need other people to be lowly, dense, ugly, horrible etc just to contrast all my good qualities.
[22:31] IAMSpartacus117: I wouldn't usually talk to you like this. I try not to get too deep with "average people"... in other words, almost every single person I know, literally probably every teenager I know.
[22:31] IAMSpartacus117: But fuck my arrogance.
[22:31] IAMSpartacus117: perhaps there are lots of people who can and care to see under the surface.
[22:31] IAMSpartacus117: I'm tired of wanting to be the only one.
Session Close (PoobTheBoob): Sun Aug 17 22:32:44 2008


Session Start (IAMSpartacus117:PoobTheBoob): Sun Aug 17 22:35:19 2008
[22:35] IAMSpartacus117: you have to stop being so quiet.
[22:36] IAMSpartacus117: people who like to talk always assume that people who don't like to talk automatically like to listen.
[22:36] IAMSpartacus117: not that I particularly believe you to enjoy listening to me talk. just the opposite. but when you don't talk I take that as an invitation to ramble. like you're my diary.
[22:36] IAMSpartacus117: if you emote more, express yourself more, I'll say less.
[22:37] IAMSpartacus117: it's almost like I forget your individuality, and thus feel comfortable. so essentially, it's like having a conversation with myself in your presence.
[22:37] IAMSpartacus117: but if I sense your personality more, I'll be intimidated and have less to say.
[22:38] IAMSpartacus117: cause I'm afraid to connect with people.
[22:39] IAMSpartacus117: but I guess you have nothing to say.
[22:39] IAMSpartacus117: you probably don't like connecting with people either... judging by your friendship choices, or lack thereof.

Wow. I can't type with two bandaids and a finger condom on my pinkie. Wait, just kidding, I can still type.

There's this guy at work. He's Bulgarian? Or something. He doesn't work with me, he works in another place. I asked him for a fork the other day on my break.

I like him. I know zero about him. Haven't said more than 20 words to him. But I like him. Weird, how you can single somebody out. Understandable if it's purely for looks. But it's not.

I think... just the way he said those ten words to me and looked at me then and today... it makes me feel more - something - than James has ever, in all the time that I've known him.

Sometimes you compromise yourself, I guess. And you feel that it's worth it. But when it comes down to it, you really don't want someone you have to beg for. You want someone who appreciates you, likes you, wants you. James doesn't at all. He's so apathetic about me. Even when I feel close to him, I still don't feel that he likes me.

I feel like this guy at work appreciates me ten times more than James just by making eye contact with the guy for like 7 seconds.

Is that sad or what? It's that type of feeling that you don't forget. Ha. Sometimes that's all it comes down to. Of all the people there, I'm interested in him, just because of the way it makes me feel when he looks at me. The other guys, the pizza guys, have not been interested at all. Which makes them boring to me.

It's exciting to be wanted.

I can't really say that this guy from RR wants me, but whatever it is that I read in his eyes, I liked it.

He's very, very tall.

I wish I could wear my hair down at work. It's self-obsessed, I know. I look beautiful with my hair down, because hair is beautiful to me. It brings out the femininity and loveliness in my features. I look rather plain with my hair up. Not ugly, just plain, in my opinion. But as I said, I'm self-obsessed and narcissistic. And it gives me great pleasure to see that sparkle - something alluring that draws people in - in my face. I don't have that when my hair is up and I'm very unsatisfied without it.

But naturally, people don't want long golden hair in their sandwiches. I can almost understand. Almost.

I'm going to the dark side. I don't want to live to regret it.

Really all I mean is that I'm going to Starbucks. :p but everybody keeps warning me that it's unpleasant, drama and assholes and attitude. I'm not even talking about the customers.

I want to work at the pizza place. I'm unsatisfied everywhere, of course. But the pizza place seems like the nicest environment. I can't work there, though. Destiny works there. I can't work there anyway because my managers will be like wtf if I keep changing my mind. I did think about working at the travel mart. See what I mean? I can't make up my mind. But that's because, as I said, I'd really rather not be any of the places.

I really don't want to go to Starbucks, now. Too dim, those stripes kill me. But I want the beautiful green apron. I like quiznos but the things I don't like about it I'm so excited to be rid of. At least I know for certain that I don't want to work at RR. But that's where that guy works... :p

I wish I could love people more. And let people love me more.

It does bring me a social confidence. Being around people. A work environment does give you a sense of family, a sense of having a household right there on the premises. For me, it gives me a sense of belonging. When I feel out of place, I can't have social confidence. But I work there, I've been hired, I have a uniform, I have duties. That gives me a security that helps me open up and be happier, feel safer.

My hair looks yellow in the quiznos lights. Yellow. Not blonde. Not gray. Not dirty blonde. Not brown. Not white blonde. Yellow. It is the pure color of yellow straw. With perhaps a little more shimmer. But you can never tell cause I always have it in one long braid.

I miss that guy from work. I've spent like a total of one minute in his presence but I thoroughly enjoyed that one minute and I'd like to try another minute or two. I don't know that I will, being in Starbucks. *sigh*. Fucking decisions...

My period is early. Well technically, it's not text book early. Text book three days late. But I'm not text book and I never have been and it's a week and a half early for me. But hormone regulation changes when there are differences. Like working on my feet for eight hours straight the past three days. More stress, more adrenaline, more excitement, more physical strain.

More hormones.

I better get ready to go out and make more stress, adrenaline, excitement, physical strain and hormones.

James called me a bitch..
Oh well. Rome wasn't built in a day.


Now I'm not going to kiss him because I'm on my period. There is always a fucking excuse. Every single time. Damnet. I should do it anyway, but I can't do that to myself.

I have to stop wasting time pouting though. Otherwise I'll be late and that will make things more miserable than they already are.

James is no longer such a mystery to me. I understand him more. I understand why he ditched me. I understand why he's stuck on Liz. I understand why he won't date. I understand why he's shy. I don't understand why he's angry, but I also didn't realize he was angry until recently. It's suppressed right now. I do understand why he's cruel and abusive towards people. Cause he doesn't really mean it. If he did, I would be hurt. He says mean things. But doesn't say what mean things he actually believes. Like he'll tell me I'm ugly. But if he really thought I was ugly, he wouldn't tell me. He's simultaneously afraid to be in the awkwardness of being held responsible for hurting people, at the same time that he tries to hurt people in order to exert power.

But as I said, he doesn't do it maliciously. He calls me a slut, but he knows that I know that there's no reason he should think so.

analogy about the fear of being put in a situation that you cannot handle. a situation where you will be powerless to a monster or a murderer. you would not be fearful if you were invincible or immortal. if you could not feel pain. but emotional pain is far more traumatizing because we identify with the emotional body. we see it as our personality. we don't identify with our arm. perhaps we identify with the representation, the image we present, but not specifically our arm. So it means far more to us to be emotionally pained.

I feel that when I give, I've lost what I give. So I expect to be given in return, in order to make up for what I lost. It's a sort of unwritten deal that people have with each other. I love you and you love me. But what they're really saying is that they cannot love themselves so they need other people to do it for them. They feel betrayed when they've given and not been given anything in return. They feel at a loss, weaker, left with less and snubbed because their part of the bargain has not been fulfilled. They feel resentful. Resentful that they expected the deal to take place as it has been unwrittenly written. And now they've been left at a loss, instead of at a gain.

We need to stop the dependence. Because what this is really saying is that we believe we are incapable of loving ourselves. We feel that someone needs to do it for us. But this isn't so. There's a euphoria, of course, when other people return their part of the deal. But it doesn't always last forever. And it makes us crazy that it doesn't. But the truth is, that euphoria is nothing compared to the sense of completeness and wholeness that comes from loving ones self independently of any help. It's a relaxed state, bliss. Because you know it's not circumstantial. You know that you don't need to earn it. You know that you don't have to be worried it won't be fulfilled. You know that you don't need to be panicked that it will end, or panicked that it hasn't been proved that day.

You know that no matter what situation arises, with whatever context, you will always be loved. a strong and healthy freedom. Free of fear. Because there is nothing worse than being afraid to be yourself. In general, we are always trying to be who will less bring us shame and misery. We try to be someone we can be proud of, someone people can accept and like. You shape yourself by fear. You inhibit yourself by fear. We need to not show what we find appropriate. We need to show what we find. All that we find. Uninhibited, free-flowing, limitless expression. Boundless.

When you love yourself, you know longer need someone to fill that role. We're desperate for someone to reassure us that we're worthy and loved. That's our subtext for our "one true love." The person who we can finally depend on to fulfill the deal. and people find that it's unreliable to expect someone else to give you what you need. As they say, don't send someone to do something you can do far better yourself. Because they will never do it right, your right. You want something to work to your advantage, to fulfill your needs and mirror your preferences, there is no one who can do that so completely. and that's an illusion we have when we enter into marriage. Because there's a blissful period where you think you've found the person who can finally love you the way you need to be loved. And as your marriage progresses you realize that they can't. That they can't read minds, they can't read your personality and frankly, they don't care to. Everybody is worrying about themselves too. Worrying about their own problems. Are they going to be dedicated enough to you to be a slave to your needs?

They attend to their own. Which they expect you to fulfill. But you're too busy attending to your own needs.

You can give without feeling at a loss by loving yourself. By knowing that your needs are already met, and that you don't need to rely on someone else to fulfill them. You don't need to feel powerless when they don't. You don't need to feel betrayed or resentful that they haven't. So you give, knowing that you have a tap that will never run out, a tap of love for your Being. free-flowing expression.


you love because love is god, health is god, compassion is god. you recognize God as the only true reality and you want nothing more than for that reality to be expressed. You want people to mirror their God selves. You want the unreality to fall away. it does not bring you pleasure to watch others fall prey to their own illusions. when you identify with a lower form of worth - pride, singular identity, (solipsm), you want to be the special one, the only one with that achievement and pleasure. Because you think that being the only one will give you more worth to enjoy. But when you have an unconditional form of worth, you no longer need to put others down to make yourself seem better. In other words, there is no relativity. It is absolute worth. And you recognize????? that your worth is in the reality of God. Of being your true Being. So you want nothing more than to share that God reality with others, to encourage it, show it, participate in it.

You give it freely and compassionately because you want to manifest it more in others lives, in your life, here on Earth.

I'm going to ask to go to Starbucks. Instead of Quiznos. I've got to. I didn't have an opportunity to do it before because, well, I was working and every time a manager would come by and ask me how I was doing, it didn't seem appropriate to stop them and be like, um, can I work at Starbucks? This sucks. So I kept on wrapping up sandwiches.

Yeah, that's what I did for seven hours. Well, six and a half. I wrapped up probably 200 sandwiches. While I was there we must have made at least 400, but there were others there who occasionally did it with me.

All I did was put lettuce on it, cut it in half, wrap it and call their number. I kind of liked the monotony, actually. You get into a rhythm of continual sandwich wrapping.

But I know that it's ill-fitted. It's squashing my enthusiasm and my optimism and my professionalism.

And, personally, I'd recommend Quiznos over Burger King or McDonald's. But I recommend Subway FAR more than Quiznos. It sucks there.

So I got home at 10:30. So sore. Because my body has issues, it gets sore very easily. Seven hours is not easy, so it was more than sore. In Starbucks it will be the same, but I'll deal.

So I felt like dying for a while. I changed my pants but I left my shirt on. Knowing that I would go to sleep and wake up to go back to work. It didn't seem worth it to change. It's baggy and comfortable. Though I am essentially going to change for my shower.

I would have stayed up longer but I couldn't because my shins were killing me. Off to a bad start. I've practically cursed the rest of my life. Because this is not how I want it to be. I thought I hated college? I was BORED there, and disappointed. But not miserable. However, the deadline to sign up is coming up in a week or two. I don't think I'll be able to live on my own if I work part time. Not until I finish my book and get the ball rolling.

I find it hard to imagine that I can finish my book while I'm doing this.

It's the epitome of the life that we usually live. Not the service sense of it. But the idea that we merely interact, and never reflect. That we're always acting and reacting. Not acting and understanding why we've done it.

You're too busy doing the mechanical part of it, not realizing that your personality, your identity is far more than your interaction with others. It's far more than your reactions. Because your reactions are not mechanically produced. There isn't a manual of functions for your personality. In other words, it isn't set. It wasn't set when you were born and it isn't set now. It reflects more than just your physical identity, even. It reflects lifetimes of physical identities, the collective personality that has been created from lifetimes of CHOICES.

And that's the key. You are the product of a choice. But not another's choice. Your choice. And when all you're doing your entire life is acting and reacting, as if you have no choice, as if you're just following the functions you were given, you're not going to fulfill anything.

And working all day, that's all I could do. Of course that's mostly because I was in service of strangers. But I was so busy in service of strangers that I found all I was doing was acting and reacting. Not even the way I'd prefer it. It's a place where, although you can have friends (I never make friends), it doesn't really show off who you are. You're just a mechanical sandwich maker. And it's hard doing that for 8 hours, five days a week. A chunk of time that I don't want to give up.

Of course, I shouldn't be so black and white. Part of the problem in service industry is not merely the job, it's those who fulfill the job. You're the one bringing it to life. You make the decisions.

The girl who taught me to make the sandwiches, incidentally, her name is Melissa, was a bit unprofessional and sloppy. And she didn't have good customer skills. But oddly enough, it irritated the hell out of me when the other two were there. Mostly because Heather was correcting my mistakes but in kind of an odd way. Like sometimes I ask questions and they answer me but with only half of the answer. Like I'll say, What should I do next? And I'll here "murmur the bread box." And I'm like, what about it? And then they have to explain in detail that they want me to take the bread out and clean the insides and the windows and the handles.

So it was kind of like that with Heather, she didn't fully answer my questions and we were under a little bit of pressure and she was kind of snappy.

And then the other girl, I think her name was Ashley, but the other girl, who I thought was Heather is named Ashley. I thought there were two Heathers, not two Ashleys. I don't know, I'll have to ask her her name. In any case, she had great customer skills. She was very efficient and businesslike, she was also a good teacher - so much so that she explained to me how to do things I already knew. Unfortunately, she would catch me sometimes when I wasn't doing them. Like for five hours, I brought the receipts with me when I called out the number, but the six hour I was working alone and I left the receipts where they were and she told me to bring them with me.

I didn't say anything. But she was kind of bossy. She even moved my slips at one point and told me not to have them by the garbage can in case they fell in. Which is sound advice, but if I want them there, I'm going to put them there, thanks.

And you have to take the clip things whatever they're called and take the subs from the oven. It's hard to grip them, you have to do it really tightly. So instead of doing that, I just took the sandwich off the grill with my hands (gloved, of course). It worked, except when the girls who made the sandwich had broken them in half, then the stuff would fall out. But the bossy girl told me not to do that, because they would pile up. I would leave the little.. whatever they are, the metal grill things that the sandwiches would sit on, on top of the... I DON'T KNOW WHAT ANYTHING IS CALLED.

Anyway, I would leave them up there and then other sandwiches would come through and be blocked by the empty grill. But all I have to do is take the grill off after I set the sandwich down. I was taking the grill off after I wrapped the sandwich up. It wasn't like that when I was working with Melissa. It seem unnecessary when there are two people on my side but only one making the sandwiches. But when there are two people on the other side making sandwiches and only one of me, that's when I made that mistake and Heather came over and fixed everything in a snappy way.

So, yeah, it's annoying when Melissa isn't professional. And annoying when Heather and Ashley are. I liked Ashley, though. If that's her name. But she's also a little bit... condescending. Because she's so efficient, she knows that she's more efficient than other people, so she talks to you like she's more efficient. And that's slightly irritating.

And yes, I will fully admit that I do the exact same thing. :) At least, I was like that before. These days, as with Melissa, I keep my mouth shut. I'm not a manager. And although Melissa taught me to put like a spoonful of lettuce on a fourth of the sandwich, I began to do things my way, and that's fine. Sometimes, you realize that there's so much to fix, that you can't imagine trying to fix it. Because to critizise someone so completely would be pretty awful. Personally, it was most likely make them worse. Because she already watched a three and a half hour video, and read and hours worth of 40 pages of rules. And had numerous interviews with managers. So if she hadn't gotten the point by now, it was because it wasn't in her nature to do so. People will act in accordance to their nature.

If there nature is to do what's expected of them, to be compliant - then it will be in their nature to be compliant. But otherwise, some people don't care and you can't make them care. But pressuring them in a bossy, condescending manner will most likely make them care less, rather than more.

Although I'm really just judging a book by its cover. I didn't see Ashley do that to Melissa, I don't even know how long Melissa has worked there. And, of course, Ashley was helping me out because it was my first day and three of the girls that I worked with earlier on had already gone home. If she had offered me the advice in the beginning, I would have liked it more. But, I learn quick enough... in most cases. :)

I did this time. I got in my own groove. So her coming to give me advice while I'd already established my own groove was a tiny bit irritating.

But sometimes I acknowledge situations more for what they meant to me in the past, rather than what they mean to me now.

I know that in the past I would have seriously resented her. I don't now. I don't feel warmly towards her but mostly because I feel that she doesn't respect me. Because she already thinks she's more efficient than me (if I can presume that, it's at least how she acts). I felt kind of inadequate. At the end of the day when I had nothing to do and I didn't know what to clean up.

She called me kid. And I said I wasn't. And she apologized for offending me. It felt good standing up for myself. Because she said, How ya doin over there, Kid? And I said, who, me? And she said, kind of condescending, yeah, you're the only one over there. And I said, But I'm not a kid either. And she said that she was used to everyone being way younger than her here. And I said that I probably was but I still wasn't a kid. And she apologized for offending me and I said, it's fine, I just didn't know who you were talking to.

And I think that's the key. Being bothered by her behavior doesn't change it, especially if I don't voice my opinion, but one of the morals of the story is that I didn't like her bossiness, and I can't condone that I should go to her and tell her how to behave anymore than I would her telling me how to behave. And I realize that she's not responsible for how I feel. If I'm adequate, nothing she could do or say could make me feel otherwise. It's my own resistance to standing up for myself, because she has a personality that does not except argument, and I allow it. So I let her say things and I don't stand up for myself. Like I told her that I could not handle the tongs and the grill (and I was thinking, most ESPECIALLY, when I'm busy. It will take me much longer, and make things less productive - although I did end up learning by the end of the nigh.) And she told me, that I needed to learn, why not now?

And I was thinking, well, because I'm going to ditch this place and go to Starbucks. And because I was also thinking, I'm really busy, I don't have time to try something less productive, and it will, in my opinion, not make me more productive in the end. But I didn't say that, it would have been an argument by that point - just back and forth. And that's not what I need to do. But instead of showing her my weakness and saying that I was doing it for an unproductive reason. I should have boldly said that I preferred it this way and that I could handle putting the grills aside before they piled up.

And that would show that I did not make the decisions out of a weakness, but out of a strength. Something that I have been talking about with my driving, showing Amelia that I am not making decisions out of insecurities, but out of prudent decisions. At least, for my context. One that Amelia does not comprehend because she is very stuck in her own context, and cannot put herself in my shoes and understand what I have to work with and what it calls for.

Learning that made me second guess my going-to-Starbucks idea. It really did. I feel that I've now made roots in Quiznos. And Starbucks would take from me the significance of those roots.

I have to leave before that happens more!

:/ Why am I continually robbed of the glamor?

Bureaucracy.. moo.

Still, I'll get some benefit from it. I know. Whether it goes right in unexpected ways or goes wrong so that I can understand how the way things have turned out reflects something about myself I'd prefer to improve on.

Seriously.

Ah! But An Auntie Lissa. 66 hours later. 15 hours ago. Update.
Mood: mellow

[22:30] IAMSpartacus117: You never come on aimmm.
[22:30] *** Auto-response from PoobTheBoob: Your IM has been sent to my mobile device. When I receive it, I will be able to reply. Thanks for your IM! Want your IMs forwarded to your phone? Click here
[22:30] IAMSpartacus117: I hate being confined to text messaging.
[22:31] IAMSpartacus117: I see you changed your top friends to... Justin.
[22:31] IAMSpartacus117: I'm glad you have a good relationship with your brother.
[22:31] IAMSpartacus117: No violence? You guys ever hit each other?
[22:33] IAMSpartacus117: I went to Walmart, and I was going to buy the same deodorant as you have. But then I smelled it and it smelled like you and I felt that it would be kind of weird if I suddenly began smelling like you. I thought I should let you keep your distinct smell. So I got a completely different kind.
[22:35] IAMSpartacus117: I'm sorry that I kept you from Wow most of the weekend. I didn't want to deprive you of it, I didn't ask you not to play. But I couldn't tell you that you should play because I knew I would be bored and I couldn't do that to myself. But you offered to put it aside, and even though I didn't want that to happen, I was grateful to not be bored.
[22:37] IAMSpartacus117: I don't mind if we never spend 66 hours with each other straight again. Not that I didn't enjoy it. But you're a bit of a bad influence. I come away swearing more, being more violent, being angry, irate, mean - so mean I was even mean to Isis when I got home. And I listen to more awful music.
[22:37] IAMSpartacus117: I prefer my kindness, nurturing nature and optimism.
[22:39] IAMSpartacus117: By the way, I'm going to return Bones. It has a hold on it and it's due Friday, I doubt we'll hang out before then and you're probably not that into it and I've already seen it.
[22:40] IAMSpartacus117: And I don't want a repeat of the CSI situation.
[22:43] IAMSpartacus117: You know, because I've been on the other side - watching the way you handle girls trying to be your friend or more, trying to talk to you and be around you - watching the way you ignore them, and not tell them to lay off, so they keep persisting... even seeing how you feel about Andrew and Jon, I really feel like every single time I talk to you and you don't respond, that I'm automatically a stalker.
[22:43] IAMSpartacus117: I feel like I should have got the picture that you didn't want to talk before I even sent the text message or in this case an IM. And that I'm a huge annoyanc.
[22:43] IAMSpartacus117: e
[22:44] IAMSpartacus117: that's why I sent 20 text messages the Saturday before last.
[22:44] IAMSpartacus117: Because I figured if I felt like a obnoxious stalker at one text message, I might as well say all that I have to say and send 20.
[22:45] IAMSpartacus117: That feeling. Is like the six biggest stress in my life.
[22:45] IAMSpartacus117: at the moment.
[22:46] IAMSpartacus117: Actually, it's probably the fourth or the fifth, depending on how you look at it.
[22:48] IAMSpartacus117: Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks, for letting me come this weekend. It was probably hard, having me there almost every second. Even if it was in exchange for letting you feel me up.
[22:51] IAMSpartacus117: And I want to know how you feel. About this situation we're in.
[22:52] IAMSpartacus117: I didn't think that we would have sex, until we were ready. We're both shy, so shy we haven't even kissed, which is kind of ridiculous. But you not bringing condoms makes me think that you feel that it's not even a possibility that we could have sex.
[22:52] IAMSpartacus117: And if you feel that way I want you to tell me.
[22:53] IAMSpartacus117: I don't know what we are. I hesitate to call us friends, because you have been the shittiest, most unreliable, most selfish friend I have almost ever had.
[22:56] IAMSpartacus117: And as soon as we saw each other at Andrew's party we went skinny dipping and spooned in the tent. I didn't think I could even expect friendship at that point, so it was easier to depend on attraction. I haven't been able to trust you at all, being friends with you has been complete torture. I know now that just because I'm enjoying things doesn't mean that you're enjoying them too. And I also know that when you're not enjoying them, you won't tell me. So at any given time, you could be miserable and I just will never know. Since you've never been enthusiastic about being my friend - more the opposite - I'm left to assume that you're not enjoying my company very much and that you just won't tell me when you're bored or annoyed.
[22:56] IAMSpartacus117: Not that I'm thinking that when I'm around you, more like I think it when you don't answer me back for a few days.
[23:00] IAMSpartacus117: I can hardly call us friends. You've been friendly with me the past month, but that means nothing because you've been friendly with me in the past and look where it got us.
[23:00] IAMSpartacus117: I can't call us friends with benefits. Because you don't seem to realistically want sex to happen.
[23:01] IAMSpartacus117: And we've never talked with each other about a romantic relationship.. cause you're obsessed with Liz.
[23:01] IAMSpartacus117: So I'd like to think that I could refrain from naming whatever it is.
[23:02] IAMSpartacus117: "It's complicated" on Facebook relationship status.
[23:02] IAMSpartacus117: I'm just so goal-oriented.
[23:03] IAMSpartacus117: I want to know if I can ask you to hang out. Because I can't do that if we aren't friends. I want to know if I can kiss you, because I can't do that unless we're friends with benefits. I want to know if I can use any of the condoms I bought today with you, or if I should save them for somebody else.
[23:04] IAMSpartacus117: Does it bother you having sex with someone you're not romantically interested in? Most people assume that guys are okay with it, since like 90% of them are. But since you've never had sex with anybody but Liz, I can't really tell if you care or not.
[23:07] IAMSpartacus117: I guess, what I'm trying to say, and you better have gotten all of this, and read it... is that I'd appreciate the slightest bit of communication. I just want a little bit of clarification. I'm laidback - even if I'm task/goal oriented. I go out of my way to want to be friends with you and more, but that's just it, I'm pretty much up for anything. You're the one who gets annoyed, who wants to be alone, who wants to be stuck on Liz, who wants to not have any friends, who wants to not chat and communicate.
[23:07] IAMSpartacus117: So you hold all the cards. You're the one who's hard to please.
[23:08] IAMSpartacus117: I just have to know what you're thinking... you sleep and cuddle with me, you say you'll have sex with me, you spend time with me. But I don't know what any of that means to you. I don't know if there's any rhyme or reason. I don't know if you enjoy it or you're apathetic about it or it borderline annoys you.
[23:11] IAMSpartacus117: I'm extremely agreeable. And I don't ask a lot. But I can't cater to your needs or your wants if you don't express them. I can't give you space if you don't tell me you want it. I can't make a move if you don't tell me you want it. I don't expect a lot of you. I've really only expected you to fulfill my lust this past month, which you have yet to do. And even when it comes to sex I expect very little. I actually expect nothing. I'm interested in seeing what it's like - not interested in having a preplanned situation.
[23:12] IAMSpartacus117: Maybe you're used to putting in zero effort in your friendships.
[23:18] IAMSpartacus117: For the record, I've felt closer to you since that Sunday we went out with Andrew and Justin. More than I ever have. I feel like I know you better and I feel more comfortable in your presence. And on Saturday when you were playing Wow and I was doing Sudoku, being mad at you, and you were randomly chatting and being annoying... that made me elated. I was happy that you felt comfortable enough with me to randomly chat and be annoying. Something that you have never done in the entire time that I've met you. Seriously. Aside from being disappointed that you didn't want to have sex, I wasn't annoyed at all with your random chatting.
[23:20] IAMSpartacus117: Thanks for all the massages, by the way. :) They felt nice.
[23:21] IAMSpartacus117: bye.
[23:22] IAMSpartacus117: don't hate me for writing all this. and you should know that if you DON'T read it, I will kill you.


he's in such a habit of not putting any effort into making a friendship or a relationship with anybody but Liz.

Ah! But An Auntie Lissa.





Jul 24 2008 2:21 PM

Look, James, friggen Wells. You don't have to AGREE to hang out with me, if you don't want to. OK? No pressure. You can SAY no. Because if you say YES theeeeen you HAVE to hang out with me. Ok? You say you're going to hang out with me, hang out with me. But you don't HAVE TO SAY YOU'LL HANG OUT WITH ME IF YOU DON'T WANT TO. Is that simple enough? Do I have to repeat it 20x38438792 more times?? Because, you know I will...

Me and Isis missed you today. I wouldn't have paraded you in front of my family if that's what you're worried about. And I would have liked to pick you up because I love driving.

I have renewed CSI again, but this is the last time I'm going to renew it. If you don't watch it with me by Wed of next week, I'm watching it by myself. In fact, I think I'll watch it tonight by myself. At least, I would if I wasn't so damn tired. Tomorrow night then.

Jeezus.
♥