Ah man, I've been a victim of exactly what I know not to be a victim of. It just never occurred to me to see that one of my favorite concepts actually applied to fear.

I've analyzed my fear of the dark. I realized that instead of believing that if something were in the room with me that I could be protected, for instance, by praying... that is putting my fortune in someone else's hands, which created my "control center" to panic and say "WAIT, THIS ISN'T AN APPROVED OPERATION!!!!!!"

Well, I've decided to understand that I can be control in the dark. The only problem is if I associate with my physical identity. If I believe that my power lies in my physical self, then I will believe myself to be at the mercy of the dark, because I cannot possibly know if anything dangerous is near me.

However, if I associate with a higher self, a spiritual self that is greater than my mere physical body, my eyes being closed will not matter. The lights will be off and I will KNOW that there is no one in the room with me. I will know ahead of time, nothing will be able to sneak up on me because my sensors will go off an alert me ahead of time.

Good gracious, I just realized how those wise Chinese people do it. You know? Like the type of people who bend a spoon with their mind (first example I could think of). I think that may be what some of their fighting is about. I want to say karate but you know what? I don't know the terminology. I just know about movies like The Karate Kid, where these people are taught self-discipline and things of that nature, until they develop the skill to do extraordinary things, like, when their back is turned, they can sense when someone is in the room.

THAT'S BECAUSE THEY IDENTIFY WITH A HIGHER POWER WITHIN THEMSELVES. See, we all have the ability to be more than our physical selves. However, it will not happen unless we allow it to happen. We will not accidentally channel our spiritual selves unless we believe it can happen, at least on some level.

I never understood those Chinese people, with their power to do these things. You got to be ready to understand it or it won't dawn on you. It has suddenly dawned on me, even though it was months ago that I applied this when the power went out. But I've let myself slip back into my old ways and now I want to believe, I want to believe that I have the power to use functions that aren't limited to my physical body.

The other fear is water. Well, I realized that there was probably a close relationship between what water symbolized (the emotions) and how that makes me panic. However, I allowed that fear to go unquestioned. Why did I do that? Why did I accept that the fear had logic, that it was reasonable just because it was about the emotions. I've been so wrapped up in the symbology, I think, because I've never had symbology applicable to my life before, I'm just not that way, I'm straightforward and literal. When I say water, I'm afraid of water, not blah blah blah. So I was sort of proud that this was true. Proud that I was creative, in a sense, to have symbology.

But fear is always destructive and unproductive. It always limits you and it's unhealthy. So I should question it. I should ask myself why? Now that I know that I'm not afraid of water in a literal sense, but when I am near water, I'm reminded of my emotions. So what is it about emotions that scare me? That's something I took for granted, I thought that being afraid of emotions was rational and logical. But like I said, fear is always destructive and limited so it can't be healthy so it isn't logical to fear emotions. I thought it was justified because emotions are, needless to say, dodgy or sketchy. They cannot be trusted. Damnet, it was an emotion causing me to feel the fear of emotions in the first place. There's an irony for you.

So... here's the thing, I realize now that the logic behind my fear, the reasoning, is that I am afraid that I will be suppressed by my emotions. I feel like I will be swallowed up. That I will sink, so very deep, in my emotions, that I will not be able to come back up for air. It's Pandora's Box, you see. And that's why I panic every time I go near water. It isn't that I only panic while I'm in the ocean. Where it's thousands of feet deep. :o scary. It's that I panic every time I'm near water, because I am afraid that if I indulge myself even a tiny bit, that it will become an endless cycle, falling down the rabbit hole, so to speak.

And it will overcome me. That's my flaw. That's the reasoning that is sour. Will it overcome me? Rather, could it? Does my emotional body have the ability to overcome me? Yes, it has in the past and it has for other people as well, however, I know myself, at this point, to be strong enough to handle it. I can delve into the emotions and experience them without fearing that I'll get lost and not be able to find my way back to control, to my wisdom. I can find my way back, I have that power. Once upon a time, I didn't. At least, we can say, I didn't identify with that power, even though it was there to use, I didn't utilize it because I didn't believe it was there. Now I do.

It's wrong to fear water, because it's wrong to fear my emotions, because it's wrong to fear that they can swallow me hole and that I will never return. It's wrong to fear that I have to be cautious around my emotions, because although caution is healthy, anxiety isn't. I don't need to keep my distance from any and all water, any and all emotion. Because, really, I can handle any amount of emotional experience. I can persevere. Perhaps once upon a time, I was trapped within my emotional body. Sometimes we all are, since I was trapped in my emotional fear just a few minutes ago before I realized that my fear was self-refuting because I feared fearing. I feared losing myself to my fear. That's most assuredly unhealthy.

I should have realized this long ago. I'll do well to recall it the next time emotional, even if it is tiresome. I should sleep now so I can wake up and play with Isis. But my throat still hurts slightly and I have to watch some Lost episodes.

P.S. My book is going to come. I've been doing a lot of meditation on it. I think talking to my dad today, reflecting aloud and responding to particular things he brought up, was the most beneficial meditation that I've had. I think I've made a lot of mental progress. Because you have to be ready to do it. And I wasn't ready. The book is there but I wasn't ready to make it happen. I'm going to try to be ready. I shouldn't allow myself to lose this enthusiasm. It sometimes happens. Bah, I'm exhausted thinking about it. STOP MAKING UP EXCUSES.

Shh, I'm arguing with my oncoming emotions. EMOTIONS. Ultimate test. What is behind these emotions? What is my reluctance trying to say? I've been meaning to ask my mom. Is it because I'm still not ready or is it a flaw that is holding me back? Odd that I'm in doubt.

That crying thing is another thing I'm in doubt about. That makes two. I'm usually not in doubt at all...

Oh maaaan. I was so busy feeling sorry for my awkwardness I forgot to speak of the good things.

We were talking about books (my modern fiction professor), because I told her I spent my vacation reading and that I was in the middle of reading the book she had recommended to me. And I told her that I had read 70 novels and short stories since last September (4.5 months). And she was impressed and told me she'd be interested to see my list, since I told her I wasn't really sure what I'd read since I can hardly think of them all at once unless I'm reminded of the titles, which is why I keep a list.

And then as she saw Wodehouse in my arms and I remarked that many my age didn't know him, she said Where did you come from? And it was a compliment. She meant, you have different tastes than a teenager. And we all know I do. It's the best compliment to be identified as bizarre. lol.

But I have been pretty impressive. With my analysis of Barn Burning and memorizing 110 lines of poetry to do in front of the class and my 70 books-read-list and the.. I would say range of topics that I read. Because I do read a lot of teenage books, a lot of mysteries, a few well known books like Eragon and HP and a few classics and a bunch of lesbian novels :p and etc...

90% of all the books I've read have been made into a movie at one point or another... But I like that, because it's no use telling someone you've read some abstract book that nobody has ever heard of.

So anyway, back to my tea.

I hope Isis comes to visit me in the morning.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH I FIGURED IT OUT! My door. I just thought of why each night I close it so that it's not closed all the way. I only thought of it now because it's at the same hour that I usually go to bed, and the thing is, it's silent, right? So instead of pushing the door shut so that the wall forces that little thingie to get pushed in and then pop back out once the door is in place (do you get my meaning?) I turn the doorknob so that I can hear this scrunching up nose and then I softly release it, so that it doesn't make a loud noise since it's like 5 AM. And then I lock it but the thing is, it's not in place, the long tongue thing that sticks out has not fully been released from my wind up.

I TESTED IT. And I did it three times in a row where I closed it and then pulled it open without turning it and it came open.

So now that the mystery has been explained. And I'm glad to know it doesn't happen during the day because that's when I need the most privacy. I bang it shut during the day. I'm sure Isis likes to be able to open the door with a simple push. She's been trying and trying to pull on the knob, she can just barely reach but she hasn't gotten the hang of the turning aspect of it so it's to no avail and thing is, she loves opening and shutting doors... she doesn't always shut it all the way so she can open it back up but she particularly seems to like to lock us out of the room, she's always shutting doors in our faces, locking us out of our own rooms as best she can. :) And then she yells OPEN UP in baby-speak.

Ah, truly good times..

P.S. My hair is totally growing back. Today it looked so long in contrast to my thin torso, especially when the hair was wet. When it's dry it expands horizontally and then it looks like a square. But when it's wet it looks like a rectangle, with a great length to the vertical, disproportioned to the horizontal. I LOVE IT. Keep growing. Even though it doesn't exactly suit my face. I don't care... I love long pony tails. :)

So let me just tell you about my day. I'm sooo tired right now but it's now or never.

I woke up to Isis. She pushes open my door in the morning and says "hi" ever so softly and it pulls my consciousness to the surface immediately. Ahem. One wonders how she pushes open my door since it's shut and locked. I'm not joking, she keeps pushing it open - she's done it like four different mornings. Only in the mornings. One morning I got up directly after and even though the door was open the door was still locked.

It's not entirely difficult to believe. So I didn't close my door all the way. Except, every time I casually close the door and then try to pull it open without unlocking it or turning the knob, it doesn't work. Even if I close my door in everyday dynamic and then suddenly think later on - here's an opportunity to see if I don't close it all the way when I'm not thinking about it. But it still doesn't open. I mean, really. Mornings only?

I don't mind that she wakes me up. I like it. I often wonder if I should leave my door slightly ajar but do I need to? She's Isis (the Egyptian Goddess) - she can open a door by herself...

She's so sweet. My heart overflows.

Which brings me to school. Because I had Modern Fiction first and that's with my English professor from last semester. Love her as well. She is simply kind. You wouldn't believe how kind she is. She's not annoyingly kind, like the people with such naivety and innocence that you just can't stand them. She's very keen - she has to be, she studies the underlying themes of modern fiction! But she's just so friendly.

And the first thing she asked me after class was how Isis was doing. Which is really sweet because, you know, Isis isn't even my daughter. But she knows how much Isis means to me. I did my poem last semester on her and Amelia and I talked about her occasionally. I told her Isis was having her nap.

I make a fool of myself when people are kind to me. I know how to say "thank you" and "your welcome" and by the by, Isis knows how to say Thank you too and it's very cute. :) But once you get past the pleasantries and you get into sincere kindness, it's like I have no social skills. I think it's that I want to respond with equal kindness but, for instance, at the Christmas party, a friend of Amelia's asked me if I needed help. You should have seen the look on my face as I thought about it. I couldn't just say No, thank you. I couldn't just say, Yes, here you go. It's like my mind was searching for an alternative sincere kind answer to give her and I was like duhhhhhhhhhhh.

Technically speaking, I was going to suggest she cut the second pizza but as I looked down I realized that I had the only pizza cutter working on the first pizza so she couldn't actually help me. And I looked down at it for a few seconds too long and she noticed and said something about not having to help me if I didn't need it. You'd think it would be enough to convince me that she is ready and willing to help if I need it but she has to convince me that it's not a big deal, I won't hurt her feelings if I don't need help.

Awkward.

It's the same with my teacher, I found. I'm sooo not articulate. I'm so used to keeping all of my articulate, thoughtful - eh, thoughts kept (oh what a redundant sentence) up in my head that when someone is actually interested, particularly about me, I come up blank. I'm used to having people ask me stupid, every day questions but when it's with my professors it isn't as trivial and mundane.

I think it comes from the fact that they talk to me because they admire me and respect me for the work I give them. My English teacher can see that I excel in English. And my Philosophy teacher can see that I have a capability to understand the nature of philosophy, the argumentative, logical nature.

I may be taking a liberty here. It's not that they chat with me purely because I'm a good student. But I know that the praise and the warmth comes because I have drawn their attention to me since I'm a good student.

And then I feel excepted. And it makes me want to be generous because I like it when others can see the good qualities that I can see in myself. I grow up in a household that seems to concentrate on the negative - where I'm concerned. I would say I'm the black sheep but that really doesn't fit at all. You could say I'm a scapegoat but it's not necessarily that they need someone to blame for their problems, it's just that I'm the one who always does something wrong in the house. I'm the one in the midst of 98% of all the conflict. etc etc.

So I'm talking to my teacher. And I feel that the words I'm saying that are sincere kindness are just... what's that word? Well let's just say that I'm trying too hard. It doesn't comes naturally. Arguing comes naturally damnet. Conflict comes naturally.

It's not that I can't get along with people, as I said, I just don't have good social skills when it's concerned, it becomes awkward. Because sincere kindness is so rare, I'm sometimes confused about how I'm supposed to express my own kindness in response.

I tried my best. I can't say that she saw it as an awkward situation. She might have senses my awkwardness. Like my Creative Writing teacher had a couple awkward moments today... It's something about the pauses. It's like when you don't understand and you say, What? You've taken away the awkwardness. If you do understand then there obviously isn't an awkwardness. When you fill the silence with "um" as you're pausing to find the answer, there isn't an awkwardness. But when there's pure silence - it's torture.

It's like the screeching of nails down a chalkboard by way of social skills. It's just simple evidence that there is a hindrance to two people's ability to converse smoothly. And it's, in my opinion, awkward.

It wouldn't be so bad if I could just find the words to fucking use. Like she pointed out the book I was holding, "Oh! P.G. Wodehouse!" And it wasn't really a question or anything so I couldn't give her an answer but I had to say something. I guess I try too hard to have a unique answer. I probably feel that the only way to continue a conversation is to say something substantial.

I don't want these people to feel that this is just a lame attempt at small talk out of politeness. I talk to people all the time and I don't really enjoy it. I did have a good conversation with my other English teacher. I may have said too much but I at least had articulate things to say :p! They were all about Amelia hahaha.

But anyway, the point is, I try to put an effort into the conversation to sustain it at the level it's at. When my teachers come and take an interest in me, I don't want to give them the standard "Yeah" or "I don't know". I want to thank them for their interest by sharing myself with them. Why be rude and close yourself off when someone is trying to make an effort to get to know you. And as I said, not just getting to know you in a "small talk" way. "What kind of music do you like" GAHHHH!!

So this P.G. Wodehouse thing... I paused, and I think it's a good time to note that I can't make eye contact worth shit. I'm just, like a dog. You know how dog's can't make eye contact with you no matter how sternly you say, "Zues, look me in the eye and listen to what I tell you, Don't Get Into The Garbage!" He'll just do anything to avoid your gaze.

I look at people and then I look away. And I feel so dumb. What the hell is so fascinating out the window????????????????

I first noticed it with Anton when I used to babysit. I liked Angela better, she was always fishing around for stuff or cleaning the counter or putting on her shoes and then talked and laughed but didn't make eye contact. I try to imagine what it would be like to actually finish my whole statement looking them directly in the eye.... I think it would be extremely weird.

By the by, I can totally stare in someone's eyes when I'm arguing. And my mom says that I'M weird because I only look at one eye with my two eyes. Most people look back and forth to both eyes because they can't concentrate on both at the same time. I just pick one and stick with it so that my eyes aren't spazzing. I find it extremely annoying. My mom does it like mad and I hate it when actresses and actors do it.

I don't know, sometimes I have odd inconsistencies but it's fair to say that when it's a situation that calls for aggressiveness, I'll fill my role as a strong and powerful person. But when it comes to being nice.... ugh... there's no aggressiveness in being nice. I think that being nice and respectful to someone is like saying "we're equal." That's obviously not going to be my strength as far as social skills are concerned. I just don't have a lot of practice with that shit. I've been looking down on people for too long!

So, again, back to this pausing of P.G. Wodehouse. I look out the window. And then I say, almost like this is a REALLY thoughtful thing to get out and I'm struggling to say it the right way and I spit out "he's really... haaappy."

What? P.G. Wodehouse, happy?? YEAH HE'S HAPPY! That's just such a cliche word. And cliche, by definition, means that the word has become trite or it has lost its impact due to overuse. Saying that P.G. Wodehouse is happy is basically saying nothing at all. And the tone in my voice as I said it, it wasn't casual, it was like "happy" was just this keen and satisfactory descriptive word, that represented exactly what P.G. Wodehouse means to me.

It was wrong. That is not what P.G. Wodehouse means to me.

I corrected it with a few other words (such as lighthearted - which truly is the ultimate word to describe P.G. Wodehouse) as I clarified but it's hard to take away from such a stupid moment.

Not that I expect my teacher to judge me and hate me. She's kind, remember. I don't say this to torture myself so much as I say it to make a statement that this is a behavior that I have which I don't agree with and wish to improve in the future. I want to be able to make eye contact damnet! And I want to be able to be open and friendly with people, I want to be able to return the openness and friendliness.

And I'm so articulaaaaaaaaaaaate! Why, when I talk to her do I have to say dumb things? *sigh*. I guess I ask myself What comes next or What is she looking for... you know? Like I put pressure on myself to come up with the answer I think I should have and then it sounds unnatural. But if I didn't try to do that, would I have an answer at all or would I just nod and smile and makes them feel rejected for trying to actually converse with me?

That's the thing, it's unnatural for me to share myself, to open myself up. I'm so used to being hostile on the outside and then carefree on the inside. Now I have to expand and be carefree on the outside. My high school teachers used to pull me aside after class and tell me how beautiful and intelligent I was. But I knew they expected me to be a bratty teenager so I didn't have to give them anything and I didn't have to feel bad about not giving them anything.

I'm not a bratty teenager anymore and when my professors pull me after class to praise me I'm going to thank them for their appreciation instead of reject it. I just have to learn how to do that in a natural manner.

Her kindness just... gets to me. It just bypasses everything and gets to the root of ME. Like when she talks to me and all walls are seemingly invisible because there is such openness and trust. It's not necessarily that she is telling me all about her life. My professors tend to talk to me and then mention their kids because their kids have relatable lives to mine... not the professors. But, still, she bypasses the levels that I have social skills on and I'm just not articulate in such a raw way.

Humph.

So I guess I can move on to describing the rest of my day. That probably took an hour to type..

Let's see, I have a bunch of novels to read for Modern Fiction. Then I have an hour in between classes, although today I had two hours cause we got out early since we were only discussing the course objectives and the like. So I cruised the library for more books to put on my massive list. Plus, it's quiet up there and often private and I like that.

Then I had my Eastern Philosophy class. Teo. I like it the first three teachers didn't have to call out my name when they went through the attendance. They'd say, "Sarah Thomas? ----- Here" "Melissa is here." And they all made a lot of eye contact with me. Which doesn't necessarily mean that they made eye contact with me simply because they knew me, but there was a look in their eye that I felt said that they knew that I understood them. Almost like an inside joke without the humor. Because they were explaining their new classes but I had already experienced their ways.

Plus, I would bet that when it's your first day with a gigantic new class, you enjoy the familiar faces. It probably helps it seem less intimidating. And may I say that my classes aren't gigantic because I'm in Community College but you know what I mean. It's probably nice for them to be able to say hello to students they already know and establish a comfortability. Not that they especially need it but I know that teachers get nervous, they've admitted to it before.

Teo didn't look up, like, at all. As he was speaking. Kind of reminds me of me. :) Except I don't look down. I look off to the side. In any case, there are a bunch of guys sort of behind me as well as to the side of me who laugh a lot. It's that kind of laugh that says that they are uncomfortable. And it's the kind of discomfort that comes from identifying with something they are probably somewhat ashamed of, if that's a good word to use.

Like when Teo said that there were a few more students due to come and usually these students tend to be students that have forgotten they'd signed up or were still out looking for the classroom. *laugh out loud* Which is more or less saying that THEY are the kind of guys who would be out still looking for a classroom and they're uncomfortable about that fact so to hide the discomfort they cover it over with a false easy-going-ness, through their laughter.

It's annoying. Plus, they laugh at the teacher. And it's a high school student laugh. I also think that it says that they are uncomfortable with themselves. Because when you pick at other people's flaws it's essentially saying that you don't accept a flawed person, and since everybody has flaws, it's basically saying that you don't accept your own flaws.

Someone who is comfortable with themselves, does not feel embarrassed or uncomfortable when someone makes a mistake. You accept others after you've accepted yourself. We've already established that I do not fully accept myself. Otherwise, I would not know the meaning of Awkward. However, I do, I'm sorry to say.

So I hope those guys stop laughing. I don't like them laughing at the teacher as if he's... stupid or weird and deserves to be made fun of because of it. Because it's simply not true. I thought it was cute though because Teo was saying really random things. He told us that he's Chinese but that his name isn't the standard Chinese because it comes from a rarer form of Mandarin (I think that's what he said) and anyway he said that the name Juang or some form of that name in ummm one of those languages was actually the equivalent of Teo.

And I knew that some people were probably uninterested to hear these random things but I thought they were honest to God interesting to know! I'm fancying these little facts lately. From Guns, Germs and Steele to Life of Pi... I'm picking up the most amazing tidbits. Like if you fire a gun next to a sloth they really won't move a muscle, they more or less can't hear it. They have very selective hearing.

So after that class I had to wait two more hours. I read a story about an autistic child. It was weird because he was intelligent but emotionally simple. So, he would be going on about (it was in the first person of the 15 yr old autistic child) math and science in a complex and thorough fashion. But when he spoke of himself and how he felt it was very simple, I honestly thought it was a seven year old speaking because I didn't know he had autism till he said he was 15 to another character and I was like Woah, something is amiss here...

So because his emotions were so simple, it almost felt like I was in slow motion. That reality was in slow motion. And as I walked to my next class, I still felt kind of slow and I had to speed back up until I was my old self. I mean, that kid will never speak as complexly as I've spoken in this entry, no matter how old he gets. At least not while he has autism.

I was glad to finish the book because I was tired of being in his reality. It was impossible, to cope with people and if you think I've got bad social skills..... Okay, so truth be told, I find it uncomfortable to hug my parents too. But I think the difference is that my discomfort does not hinder my ability to function. If my parents hugged me... ahem, I would let them. I wouldn't hug them back, cause we just don't do that. Maybe my dad. I can't remember the last time I hugged my mom. But at least I don't scream.

Not to put autism down, cause obviously I don't have it and can't be compared to someone who does. But in any case, it was an ease off the stress to come back to my reality. Where my emotions function.

So then I had Western Civilization. Hmm. I meant to say that my Modern Fiction classroom is in a classroom I've been waiting to have a class in. Because it's at the end of the building the whole "back wall" is windows. As well as the side wall that has windows, just like all the other classrooms. But they only have one wall. This makes it a lot more airy and nice and as I walk past it from the outside I keep wondering when I'll get a chance to be in there. All my classes except Creative Writing are lined up in a row. The first four classrooms in that hall. I've had two of them numerous times but not all four at the same time.

It was interesting to see Botsford in a new setting. I got to know him as he related to the other setting and this setting just does not fit him at all. I wish he didn't have such a short fuse. He doesn't get outwardly angry. It's this silent anger that shows on his expression and it's very... discomforting. He hasn't given it to me but it would make me squirm if he did. It's hard to explain and I have to say I'm running out of time because my wrist is cramping up ow ow ow.

So he was also one to make eye contact and give me that knowing look.

Then I had to wait another two hours for Creative Writing.

Ahah...

Since that was the most recent, it's really the one I most wanted to talk about. It's in a room that I told myself I never wanted to have class in, as I walked past it. But C'est la vie. It's cozy and it suits what we do. It's like as big as the standard kitchen. Kitchens are usually pretty small as far as floorspace goes because you really only need counter space and cabinet space and fridge space, not room for a table or a couch or whatever.

In any case, my teacher was familiar but I couldn't place it till she said she was the Academic Dean. mmhmm. We had her substitute last semester on the first day of English, or the second actually. The first day was with a teacher I really liked but probably won't ever have, I believe she teaches English as well, I hear her name mentioned by other teachers all the time. I didn't like her, if you referred to me describing her last semester I said she was pretty much a blundering idiot.

But that's okay. She's better in her own subject. Even though it's English it's writing, not literature. It's how to write literature, instead of interpret what's already written. So I felt very anxious. Having a class specifically for my writing is like putting it in the spotlight. I've always had classes where I turned in my papers thinking, that my writing wasn't the main course but it was a rare delicacy to be enjoyed by the teacher. Something I was proud of.

Now, I get to be critiqued. Even if my writing sucked previously, which I often believed to be untrue, there was no reason to really comment because that wasn't the point of the course. Not everybody has an artistic, articulate way to write. Only those who do, take the class I'm in now. Or perhaps those that wish to learn.

So now I know that my writing is expected to be WRITING. Authorship. It's supposed to be entertaining. It's supposed to appeal to an audience. Damnet.

And it's not that I don't have confidence because I really do. It's just that, as I wasn't writing at the time, there was a sort of anticipation for the expectation to write... and me, just simply not knowing what in Heaven's name was going to come out.

I tried to imagine, without having any prompting from the teacher on subjects or whatnot, what kinds of random things I could write about and I felt so blank. If I were to write a short story, what the hell would I write about?

AND THEN, I thought of it. MY DREAMS. Okay, maybe the teacher said something or other about dreams and it made me remember how I write down so many of my dreams and I always tell myself that this could be a good idea for a story. It's not that my dream needed to be the story. It's that I need something I can expand. And my dreams are so original and extremely creative and random. Stuff I would never consciously come up with. And I felt so safe after that. I can write when I have a direction. Writing comes easily, it's only ever the direction that one needs to worry about.

Also, before I thought of my dreams, I told myself that I could write about myself. I mean, it would appear fiction but it would be based on my life. You think it sounds boring but I found from writing in livejournal that I could always make my stories of what happened that day, amusing and entertaining. At least in my opinion. And as I said, I can expand on my own life to make it entertaining, if I have a direction in the first place, which would clearly be something that had origin with my reality. I've had a lot of experience reading memoirs so I know how to take a personal story and give it that style and attitude that draws people in, even though sometimes what you're actually doing in the story is rather mundane.

I used to be so... willing to write fiction. In second grade especially I was full of fascinating ideas for new stories. But I didn't write any fiction when I was with Mike. No poems and whatnot. Just my journal and my analytical mind and after we broke up I was all about analyzing, to cope with what I was going through I needed it. And then I brought about my book and I sort of let fiction go for the sake of writing about psychology and philosophical perspectives.

The only person I want to mention is Tim. He's from my school. Can't remember if he's in the grade above me or what. He's hot. But the interesting thing is that, his smile was so familiar. And not because he's Tim. It reminded me of someone else. And then he smiled again but this time from his profile sort of... and it came to me, he's doubly hot because he looks totally like Dave Dingman. His eyes, his nose and his smile, in other words his teeth... look so much like the charming Dave. Only, I'm tired of Dave's angular face. It bespeaks his sharp personality. I like Dave but I know that he has characteristics that class with me, that are sharp and difficult to work with.

Tim has a kinder face. His features aren't as sharp and you know that he's pleasanter and easier to get along with. His hair is much different and he wears a hat too, he has a more relaxed manner. Dave's expressions sort of bespeak pain. Like he's trying to be tough and act like nothing is wrong and he's a normal guy, but there's shit behind the mask that he's dealing with, that troubles him. And it makes him angry and difficult to work with.

I don't know Tim at all. Never said a word to him. But I did see him look at my shoes today. That's the first time I've ever taken notice of him looking at me.

I only mention him because I thought it was funny how I was looking at him thinking how gorgeous he was only to realize that exactly what I thought was gorgeous about him was what reminded me of Dave.. But I honestly think I prefer Tim's looks.

BLAHHHHHHHH my wrist is aching so badly.

It's early but I think I'm going to get some tea. I hope Isis wakes me up in the morning I have all day to play with her. No time today cause I was gone the whole time, and usually when the classes are completed until the normal time they're back to back so I can't come home in between. But I don't have school on Weds. I got back on Thursday for another round of today minus the Creative Writing. And then I have a Child Adolescence class next Monday evening. With another teacher I'm familiar with. Though he has great social skills and I feel that he's so outgoing he isn't really dependent on making a bond with one student. He's more blase about the fact that I was in his class before. He doesn't really notice me in particular. Even though, MAN, I have like the same favorite color as him and the same favorite cartoon character as him and all these similarities. Plus, psychology, duh. It's weird. We do not have like personalities.

Okay. rest for my wrist.

My nipples hurt so bad. Shrivel up and die already.

I've been playing with Isis. All in a rush. Amelia and I were doing all these things with her. Running around playing tag (Amelia was leading her but she was doing all the leg work, even if she didn't understand why sometimes she was the huntress and sometimes she was the hunted.) And we played Hide & Seek. I hid behind my door and behind my mom's door and behind my dad's door and in my dad's closet and in my closet. And I would roar to give her hints of where I was. It was a lot funner than it sounds because of her reactions. And we have a huge box from the bathtub we got that Isis and I love to crawl into but today we put it up against the couch and made it a slide. Because it's very chilly outside.

So we've been playing non stop. At one point my mom was standing there looking at us and it was such a "I don't approve" look. She didn't say anything but the look was there. Perhaps she felt it was too wild to be a part of cause usually she comes out and laughs with Isis but I guess those are at much calmer times.

Anyway, Isis is down now. My nipples burn.

John told me that he took me off like 2 weeks ago as a part of "a process." Apparently it's like taking baby steps. He explained to Lyla that him and I talk about good things [that don't involve love or sex] which isn't true at all, but in any case she approved of him talking to me on aim but apparently not myspace.

I can see why she would be upset at his interaction with me. But if he really cared about her opinion, maybe he shouldn't have fingered me and betrayed her trust. Even though she never trusted him in the first place.

I don't really have a problem with her. I just have a problem with being second, so to speak. Him saying, I can only be your friend if someone else approves, makes me want to say, WHAT HAPPENS IF I DON'T APPROVE!!!!!!!!!!

So, I canceled the friend request, because he said he would have to wait to ask Lyla. And I also blocked him on aim. Just till I cool off. He won't even notice, he'll think I'm signed off but whatever, it makes me feel good.

THE jerk took me off his friends list. For whatever reason. A reason I'm unaware of because we were just chatting on aim last night. I guess HUMPHSNORT (those are my sound effects) that he was offended at our last argument and took me off. Which is SO like him and so like me. It's bad enough to have my bad behavior flaunted at me, but to have to suffer by just the same behavior from him? Ugh.

That was beautiful.. I don't want to do anything else because I don't want to lose the story. I feel like reading it all over again. I didn't feel for part two so perhaps I'll leave that out. lol.

No, I wouldn't read it all over agian. I think I'll just read another of the same author.

Now that I've written it down I can relax and move on. It's like I've written a post it to myself saying, Don't Forget!

I love releasing my emotions.

They're still there though, just not as urgent.

My tooth aches. When I floss it feels like I'm pulling out my teeth. I only floss when I have something stuck in my teeth though.

I think I'll sleep. I still feel a touch of sadness, loss, now that the story is over. Because even though it had a touching, happy ending, I've lost the character. You know? She doesn't exist anymore, unless I begin again.

I like to detail exactly how I feel at any given point. Exactly the pattern in which my feelings are making their impression on my mental mind. Why can feelings not be fully interrpreted into the language of the mental? I know, instead, that we don't try to do the impossible, which is to accurately represent precisely the complexities of what we feel with words that we can ponder over and share with others. No, we sum things up into something simpler that will vaguely represent our feelings. A vague summation that will brief ourselves and others, through luinguistics, on what's happening when we feel at any given point.

People care too little for the inexplicable. In my opinion, it's a mark that they care not for the genuine, only what service these summations can do for the ego. I know how that feels. Could I, though, explain how it properly feels? We use these summations, these labels, because it's easier to understand the most superficial level of our beings. Well, that's not true, we can't understand the superficiality because it is still a part of a deeper more complex thing. The skin cannot be explained until we understand how it was created and for what purpose. But, at least, we can live a life, devoid, indeed of understanding but still purposeful. Because our goal in life is not to understand what is living but to simply be and use ourselves to live. We often unquestioningly be.

Let's, for a moment, pause and think about some of the most inexplicable, by language, things that we feel. Let's not accept that words like "happy" or "sad" can accurately detail what it is we feel. Let's allow ourselves to observe that no words can transcribe what it is we feel. We're used to our feelings triggering the words that we've taught. Sometimes we screw it up anyway and mix up distinctions like "angry" and "mad". Is there a difference? Yes, but also no, because the distinction between the two is still a superficial distinction. There probably is not so much a distinction between the "mad" and "angry" times as there is a distinction between each individual time we ever feel. Because even though these sensations can become familiar, we can also allow that different combinations and stimulants provide different reactions. The superficial feeling may be generalized. Perhaps we can identify if it's "bad" or "good". But what do these reactions really mean? What do they really tell us about what the stimulants mean to us?

I find that, at least, somewhat translatable. Emotions are murky, but the relevance IS actually not part of the emotional body. As if, instead of originating out of the murkiness, it actually originated out of a faculty similar to my conscious, mental mind. And thus, although it displayed itself through the feelings, emotions or sensations that I feel half physically and half mentally and really - we say - emotionally... they can be understood by surpassing the impossible task of translation and simply seeing the mental relevance.

At least it's mental for me. Always logical and rational. My emotions, though ambiguous as they are, serve to symbolize something on the surface, because emotions are easily accessed. However, if we categorize each seaparate sensation into a lumpy worthless summation.... how can we ever expect to identify the real distinctions, which are actually the distinctive relevancies that stimulate an emotion to come to the surface and make its appareance felt, and thus, make something deeper known to us.




I find it hard to transcribe my wisdom into intellectual sentences. I suppose because the nature of intellect is to make absolutes, as I'm doing right this very minute. And I know, wisely, that my absolutes are not indeed absolute. How can I put down my wisdom, without making it a lie?

It's no use reading a lesbian novel and not wanting to masturbate. But I told myself not to because I've gotten off way too much today. Or rather, now it's the next day. But in the past 24 hours I've gotten off too much. I didn't count the orgasms but I think after five it gets a little tiresome. Tiresome isn't even the word. If an orgasm is the pleasurable climax gained from a steady upward slope of pleasure, than it's the exact opposite for a certain amount of orgasms. It seems to be the downward slope and it stops being pleasurable, almost emotionally. Like, it brings me down emotionally and physically too. My body starts feeling... like crap. Not that I feel pained or that I feel self conscious... sort of inbetween those two feelings. Like instead of my body being pained or my emotions being depressed it's almost like my body is depressed. It just feels useless and groggy and grubby.

That's what I felt from all the masturbating. Although I did it throughout the day and not all at once. I slept a lot though and when I sleep a lot during the day I tend to masturbate a lot. Cause I'm in bed and I always seem to wake up horny. Plus, I'm reading a lesbian novel. It's actually pretty raunchy. It's more or less a few episodes of The L Word piled into a novel, but set in the late 1800's. But I like the author, despite her lax views on sex.

And lesbianism.. mmmmm. I have to say that I'm still quite firm on the fact that I do not want a boyish lesbian lover. If I want a boy, I want a damn boy. If I want a girl, I want a damn girl. I can't stand the mixing of the sexes. It confuses me so extremely to see a girl dressed as a boy, acting as a boy. I just seem to have different goals concerning the two. Like I can't treat a boy the way I'd treat a girl and I can't treat a girl the way I'd treat a boy.

Although you'd think that would mean I can't love or have sex with a girl but it doesn't mean that. I look to girls the way boys look to me. I don't really think, Oh, this is lovely, I may make a friend today. I think about sex. Not the way guys do. It's more that instead of wanting to have sex with a girl, I entertain the idea of having sex with any girl - and an attractive girl reminds me of this. I still don't have sex with just anybody who comes along, male or female. So when I'm around girls I'm stimulated by the prospect of having something sexy and intimate between us but I don't actually want her. I haven't really wanted anybody, probably, since Shannon. Humph.

Well, I have wanted women in general, longed for them. And for their bodies. I have a cruel reminder of how alluring their bodies can be, since I have one of my own to see and feel every day. But I haven't cared for anyone in particular.

So I have about 50 or 60 pages left in my lesbian novel. And I want to get off again but I don't want to masturbate. And I don't want the fantasies that I use when I masturbate, otherwise I would probably want to masturbate. I think when you do the same thing all day long and it only makes you feel like crap, and yet you still long for something similar.... *sigh* you begin to really long for new sensations. I hadn't really thought about it. The difference between imagining something in your head and actually feeling it played out on your body.

I think my fantasies stimulate my emotional or perhaps mental faculty more than anything. Like the the thought of how hot whatever I'm thinking of would be. Which is why I would not actually act out over half the things I think about. Cause it's only the thought of how hot it is, not the thought of how pleasurable it would be to have happen. I think physical pleasure falls short if you're not emotionally pleased at the same time, and I wouldn't be, doing some of the things in my fantasies.

I seemed to have talked myself out of wanting these new sensations. But that's because I've intimidated myself with thoughts of other things that put pressure on the excitement, sort of smother it and such. I guess I shouldn't worry since I have no one to give me these new sensations. I'm tired of feeling on both sides - my hand and the body that I touch with my hand. I want to either touch someone and not feel the touch of my hand at the same time. Or to be touched, and not how it feels to be touching.

I really have intimidated myself and now I don't want it at all. I'm such a party pooper!

And all I have is a thirst that can't be quenched. I know it will just make me want to masturbate and I'm tired of it. Booo. Like I said, I'm even sick of my fantasies. They don't bring me pleasure. I'm sick of fantasies at all. They're so tiresome, they have the same effect on my mental body as the ten orgasms have on my physical body. It's really depressing me.

But what can I do? Sex is so unrealistic for me at this point.

I guess, to dig a little deeper into my longings, it's fair to say that I'm tired of my interaction with people being more unpleasurable than pleasurable. I'm trying to find the right word and pleasurable is the best I can find. I want to say happy but it's really a sort of pleasure felt when you get along with someone, when you bond with them, when you feel for them, when you're intimate with them. It just feels good.

With my parents, Amelia, Kristen, John, Dan... all of them, it's an unpleasantness I feel. I don't feel pleasure as I interact with them. Interacting with them only brings me tension and unpleasantness. Probably because my expectations are not met. I want to have something good with them and instead I have only troublesome things brought to me from interacting with them. I want to be pleased. To be pleasured.

And I want it to be real. Like when I'm pleased and pleasured by John, I know it's a lie. I know that the flattery he gives me is untrue and unrealistic. He doesn't care about me and he doesn't love me. He doesn't want to be with me. He doesn't get pleasure out of my company and my presence in his life. At least, not in a great sense. He says talking to me makes him happy but that's it. I'm just a friend. Who he stupidly makes a romantic deal of for no apparent reason, since it isn't real.

Isis is the only one I feel pleasure by. Obviously a very different sort of pleasure than I'd expect from someone my age. But even so, it's not enough. When I'm around her all I want to do is squeeze the life out of her. Or rather, let's not concentrate on the life taking and concentrate on the force of my squeeze. Like I just HAVE to cuddle her and get something from it. Some sort of satisfaction to calm whatever it is that I need from people and I'm not getting.

Needless to say, she won't let me hug her and squeeze her. She likes her space and her independence. Although she can be clingy, it's never affectionately. And I just have to steal in two second squeezes before she pushes me away or gets frustrated and cries. :(

Gah, my throat burns in this queer way. Like fire. But it doesn't burn, it just feels like there is literal fire in my throat. If I were more or less the same temperature as fire, that is, cause otherwise I would suffer. This just feels like a flame is licking the inside of my throat except, it's not searing me.

:( I don't know what to do... Masturbating is not even close to the solution to my problem. It's just the easiest within my reach. And if I don't have a million orgasms, it sort of quenches something. Having more than a few pretty much makes me loathe whatever it is that needs to be quenched. Since I don't even know what it is, I don't really know where to even point my hate.

The idea of being with people, realistically, just seems like such an unpleasurable venture. What do I hope to gain, except displeasure. (which is the word I probably should have been using the whole time to illustrate pleasure in the negative but I prefer the former.)

And that seems too trivial a note to leave it on but fuck it. Because writing to someone or anyone is establishing interaction with someone or anyone and that's exactly what is not so fucking pleasurable as I wish it to be.

[03:29] BizZyTheKiD1030: its funny that you say i dont appreciate you
[03:30] IAMSpartacus117: it's funny that you always have conflicting statements like: I like you, but I don't like you coexisting at the same time.
[03:30] IAMSpartacus117: you'd think they'd cancel each other out and make everything you say automatically bullshit.

I love my lines. I was mimicking and mocking his "it's funny" because it's so damn obnoxious. It's his way of saying, for example, "it's ironic that you think I don't appreciate you when I actually worship the ground you tread on." That probably wasn't what he was actually going to say but he says things that imply that I'm too stupid to see the truth so I say statements like "you don't appreciate me." So I mocked that cause I had a sudden urge to lash out, and the spite is apparent in what I chose to use to mock him with, which is his hypocritical opinions. I haven't really mentioned them to him up until now. I couldn't resist.

It shouldn't really be relevant. The reason the whole thing was brought up is that I realized how easily John passes up things like hanging out with me, kissing me, sleeping in the same bed as me, having sex with me, dating me etc etc. When meanwhile, Dan and I would kill for the opportunity to be ten minutes away from each other. Ten minutes away like John.

The remark I made was meant to illustrate the irony that those who don't want me are able to have me, such as John, and those who do want me aren't able to have me, such as Dan. But I said it badly and it ended up offending John. I sort of called him stupid for not appreciating me. Which is rude to say because nobody needs to appreciate me. The only reason I can get away with mentioning it at all is that John is always on the brink of having feelings for me but then rejecting them or ignoring them. Which is where the hypocritical statements come in. "I want to date you, but I don't want to date you."

I wish he would just stick to, I don't want to date you. And then I wouldn't call him stupid for not appreciating me because if some random person isn't in love with me I really won't be offended. There's nothing to even appreciate unless we're in love with each other. And clearly there are one or two hindrances to that fact.

He told me that I didn't know what I was missing with him. Originally, he told me that Scooby-Doo had been put down. And I told him that I was glad he wasn't my boyfriend. I didn't explain it at all. But what led me to say that was that the first thoughts going through my head were how mean he was to tell me that my favorite dog had been put down. Which clearly shows that he enjoys making me unhappy. And that's why I was glad he wasn't my boyfriend because boyfriends are supposed to do the exact opposite. I want someone who wants to make me happy. It's not an impossible task.

But I didn't feel up to explaining that so I said nothing in explanation and later on he said his snide, It's funny that you say you're glad I'm not your boyfriend because you don't know how good of a boyfriend I'd be. Ahem, well, I replied that he didn't know how good of a girlfriend I would be. But he claims he actually does know how good of a girlfriend I'd be, except, apparently, we wouldn't get along or some such bullshit.

That's apparently his newest lie. That if we were dating, we would be miserable. I have to say, I pretty much used it a few months ago. But that was in a fit of pessimism. We weren't really friends then and I hated him and I didn't want to get along with him, I thought we were incompatible. Now that I'm concentrating on our chemistry I find it worth a try. There's nothing like seeing what happens, but he doesn't wish to because he wishes to stay with Lyla, which by the way I find a pretty unhappy relationship. I know this because I'm the one he complains to.

And yet again we have the hypocrisy of his statement. Believe me, I know you'd be a good girlfriend to me, but on second thought, you wouldn't be a good enough girlfriend to me.

I think my opinion of "good girlfriend" is not someone miraculously compatible but someone willing to make things work. If I were to date John I would be willing to be supportive, agreeable, friendly and optimistic. As far as my will goes, I will not allow him to try to control me or dominate me. And that's what I was thinking of when I said we didn't get along. He kept trying to manipulate me the last time our friendship ended and I, naturally, allow for no such thing. This past month or so he's been very good about letting me be myself, not struggling to control me and the like.

But my point is, and was, that he doesn't realize that I'm a good girlfriend because I can make things work provided the other person isn't impossible. So the question is, does John want to make things work? Because if there's a way, I'm the will to get there. The problem with a relationship is that one will isn't enough, two wills need to work together to make the product: a good relationship. John doesn't want us to have a good relationship in his mind, probably because he wants to pretend like there's a good reason not to date me, since he'd rather stay with Lyla.

In reality, if he wanted it to work, it would work. However, some people want everything to be miserable and turn out horribly. I found that quality in John. Ever since his parents died. Because now, since his parents have died, he feels that he's justified in believing that life is against him and nothing will turn out good, everything will fail and make him a victim. I wouldn't fail. Perhaps he knows that and that's why he's got to avoid me. He needs to allow his problems to thrive so he has at least some excuse to feel sorry for himself.

I know all of this already. I wish he would just shut the fuck up. He's always going around in circles. I like you...... wait, I don't. I like you.... wait, it won't work. I like you.... wait, I refuse to date you anyway.

I haven't asked him to have feelings for me. I don't recall even once telling him I have feelings for him. I did state a hypothetical "if I had feelings for you" once or twice but that was to illustrate the love triangle thing I had going on, which I thought was funny.

I have had feelings for him but I haven't made a move on him. In fact, I've lied rather a lot. He does it too. At random times we each state that we don't have feelings for each other, just to save face. He'll do it just days after he's told me he has feelings for me. A lot of the time he says it for me. He says, "and we both know that neither of us have feelings for each other." and I don't disagree.

God, why does he think he has feelings for me? It's so clear that he doesn't. His emotions are the exact opposite of sincere. His statements are always hypocritical or are contradicted days later. He knows and I know and I bet Lyla knows that he doesn't want to be with me. Why does he even entertain these faux feelings for me? What purpose does it serve? Except to make another problem for which he's the victim. Wahhhh.

Bah. I wouldn't talk to him at all if I didn't want the company. I'm not giving him anything. That's why I haven't been sincere with him, I've kept a distance between us. When he tells me one minute that he wants to hang out and the next that he doesn't want to hang out I don't act like I care. I always show apathy. The warmest thing I've said to him is probably when I was trying to convince him that I didn't think he was an idiot.

I talk about the past a lot. And I flirt with him a little harmlessly. Sort of hypothetical things. Like, Well I'm great at sex and it's just too bad you'll never get to experience it. Not that I've said that but each time I flirt I acknowledge the reality that we can't act on it. He says maybe and I say it isn't likely. now I'm the pessimistic one but it is realistic.

He asked me if Dan was still coming in May to fuck me. Ahem. He thinks Dan is using me for sex, to which we feel compelled to reply: It takes one to know one. In any case I told him that Dan was coming to visit me in May. And that if our attraction happened to lead to sex.. that I would be on top and then technically I'd be the one fucking him. Which isn't true, I'd probably not be on top if I could manage it.

But he insulted me by making it seem like I was a helpless woman doomed to just be fucked by men more powerful than I am. Yeah, right. Anything to make me see Dan as the "bad guy" so that I won't sleep with him. Which is why I turned it around to imply that if there was any "fucking over" going on then it would probably be me - me in control.

In reality, I don't think either of us are going to be hurting each other. Dan and I make a much better team than arch nemeses. I don't plan to take advantage of Dan and I don't believe that he would take advantage of me but here's the thing.. I could be foolish about Dan, as people can sometimes be fooled by people. The reason I'm not afraid is that I don't think if Dan was fooling me, he could take advantage of me anyway. I don't think he could do any real damage. I have a lot of power and a lot of defenses at that. I'm not a helpless woman who can be fucked by men, thanks John.

My defenses always seem to be absent with John though, like every move I make that regards him is automatically a rash decision. I asked my mom if we had karma cause I thought that might explain the reason we seem attracted to each other to no avail. But she said we didn't. It seems to be that there are no productive decisions regarding John. Except to not regard him at all, to have nothing to do with him. Which is a decision I can't seem to make without his help. And he seems inclined to be friends with me so I can't really resist it. Like I said, I need the company. I get bored without somebody to chat to at random points during the day.

But it's like, every move I make with John just sucks. He's so extremely counterproductive. He undoes all the production I do. I think that's because he's so hypocritical. He's all over the board. I guess I am too, all over the board that is. Like when I'm hot, he's cold and when I'm cold he's hot. If he just stayed cold, than I could make a productive decision but he keeps changing his mind and his attitude and his personality and I keep making decisions based on his personality at the given time, but all my decisions are thwarted by the fact that tomorrow he's acting the opposite and my decisions end up making no sense anymore.

Like if I decide, okay let's be friends because you already have a girlfriend. Tomorrow, he's broken up with her [for five minutes] and I foolishly make a new decision, like, Let's hang out. But then the next day he's back with her again and my decision to hang out is useless and he'll probably say something like, Let's just be friends and make it seem like he's disagreeing with me because I want to hang out when really I gladly except that we should stay friends and not hang out, the only reason I said let's hang out is because you said you and Lyla weren't together. etc etc. It goes on in that manner.

Any decision I make is opposed by his new reality and my stupidity lies in the fact that I keep... believing him. Not that I'm a complete fool otherwise I wouldn't be able to say this now but it's like I don't care that he's making a fool of me cause I have that inexplicable attraction to him - that I wanted to explain by karma. I don't understand what lies beneath the attraction.

You know? Sometimes you just know that you're not going to put up with someone's bullshit. Look at how quickly I've shot down so many guys' advances. So why do I not feel that I should shoot down John's advances? What's the attraction? I don't know.

I was reading Skin Game and as she was talking about how her grades reliably make her identity I realized that I no longer cared if I got bad grades. I'm not sure I can sufficiently reason out how that happened. Perhaps she spelled out her weaknesses, that's what the book was about, her weaknesses. And then I decided not to be her. I know it sounds mean and snobbish but one of the reasons that people continue with their bad behavior is that their minds tell them to accept who they are without question. Often, they act, and they speak, and they think and never separate themselves from who they are in the moment and with a conscious mind ask why they are who they are in the moment, what drives them to be that way and what can they do to change it. A lot of people just are. But our minds have the power view all we do, to analyze it, to wonder about it, to question it. Dogs probably can't ponder about themselves. They really are only what they are.

Sometimes when you think about yourself, instead of accept that you are the way you seem to be displaying... you realize how your consciousness doesn't even agree with the behavior or the reasoning behind what you're doing. The reason you hadn't noticed before is that we don't analyze or question everything we do, think or feel. There are a lot of things we take for granted. A lot of things we assume. A lot of things we let somebody else control, spit out into our brains. As far as I'm concerned that somebody else is our subconscious or various levels of it.

And we don't always question what it tells us to feel or think or do. We sometimes just accept that it's simply telling us who we are and that's all there is to it. But it's not telling us who we are, it's telling us a choice that it's made. And who we are is defined by the choices we make. Which doesn't mean that when we were born, we already had a reaction to something programmed into our brain. When we were born, we didn't have the way we would react to finding out we were pregnant 20 years later already programmed. When that moment came, you make the choice to react. You make based, sometimes, on your subconscious. Unless you choose to question it and to make a conscious choice that comes from conscious reasoning. And even then you have to realize that your consciousness is still being pumped by subconscious beliefs and thoughts.

The only way to ever beat the cycle you're in, the same patterns, the same behavior - the stuff you want to change - is to question yourself. Always. Never let your consciousness sit by and let a deeper portion of yourself to do whatever the fuck it wants. Because we obey orders from our subconscious, naturally. And I've just made the first step by questioning the fact that we obey orders naturally. Why do we do that? And then you have to break it further down and analyze the various orders given to us by the subconscious.

I think that my subconscious told me to feel like shit when I heard I had bad grades. It told me to be depressed and to hate myself and to hate the people responsible for giving me my grades. It told me to regret. To dwell on it, even though I can no longer do anything about it, until my future grades start coming into play.

And then I realized that identifying with a letter on a paper is weak. That's what the book spelled out for me. I can't fully explain why. I think I would have to begin analyzing her and I really don't wish to do that.

But the realization struck me as I made the choice not to identify with my grades. That's what of her major problems was identity. She didn't know who she was. And I know who I am. I can feel it. But it's got nothing to do with my grades. And what's more? Grades are an outer symbol of who we are that can be observed by others, which is also one of the reasons we hold on to it.

I've been working on that, silently. Which really means that the topic was broached once but I haven't given it any conscious thought since. I hope my subconscious has been working on it. And maybe the book helped me in that sense because even though she claimed to have another Caroline that was shown to the world, one that didn't reflect herself at all... she didn't give me the vibe of someone who really cares what other people think of her. She seemed to have that split personality because of her own mental problems, not merely because she was trying to hide herself and give people what they want. She gave people what they wanted to protect them, she lied not so much out of fear of their judgment but out of... well, to answer that I would have to analyze her.

So I suppose that in one sense, I realized that her identity issues were out of weakness, but in another sense, even though my identity issues have more strength than hers, in some areas, I also realized that her identity issues had more strength than mine in other areas.

I can't be sure how exactly these helped me because this wasn't even about conscious choice.

I was just sitting there reading the book and as I read her words about identity and GPA, her feelings towards the b's and c's that marked who she was in a negative way... I thought to the fact that I hadn't made the Dean's List. And what that means for my grades. And I didn't feel any self-hatred. The way I usually do. I feel a wash of shame and resentment towards myself and the people involved in my grades when I think about the bad ones. But it was gone.

And it's conscious choice that will hopefully let that feeling survive. Because I've not realized the difference between self-hatred as the reaction, and peace. And I realize that I never questioned the fact that I hated when I got bad grades. I got F's so often from 8th grade on and I cared so much. Some people have stress from trying to do everything. I had stress from trying not to do everything. It never made me happy. But I knew that doing everything wouldn't make me happy either. I picked the laziest choice.

Now that I've felt peace towards my bad grades. Even for a split second. I realize that it's possible and perfectly logical. And the only thing I can do now is to stop accepting the self-loathing as perfectly logical. It isn't perfectly logical to care that much about grades. What the fuck are they?

Maybe that's another way the book helped me. Even when she talked about her grades, she talked about what it meant for the face-Caroline. The Caroline on the outside, that was fooling everybody into believing she was something she wasn't. She identified with the chaos inside of her. That was her core, that was who she felt she really was but couldn't show the world. Which I don't agree with, but the way she sort of disassociated herself with the person who sought identity from the GPA....

Again, I can hardly put it into words. I suppose that means I'm not hitting on the exact equation. I must be missing something. Something about myself, I suppose. Something about the reason I hung on to grades. Because I still don't really know why my subconscious told me to. I know that I felt self-hatred. And I can assume that it had something to do with identity. What has changed from before I read the book?

I don't know. Maybe I learned to love myself just a little bit more since that issue with Divine Mother. I think I got something off my chest that needed to be released. As I told my mom, love can't exist within fear. And I was in fear, of the fact that my mom didn't accept me. Now, I suppose, I know that she does - at least to the best of her ability. She can't understand who I am and why I am the way I am. Maybe if she read the book I have yet to finish she'd understand a little more, although I can't say she'd respect it, but I best not concentrate on how she'll negatively react to it. Maybe she will respect it. Sometimes she seems to respect me.

I suppose I was holding on to that fear. That fear that people wouldn't accept me. And it was based on the fact that even my own family doesn't accept me. I told my mom that I'm always so negative about people because I hurt them before they can hurt me. If I bitch about all the qualities I don't like about someone, once they start bitching about mine, I've already made their opinion invalid by the fact that they're such and such. Like when a girl tells a guy he has a small dick and he calls her a bitch because he thinks, maybe if she IS a bitch, her negative opinion about him won't be valid.

I try to put people down so that when all who put ME down do just that, it won't be valid. I don't have to accept it. If I hate them, I won't have to care that they hate me because their opinions will be worthless.

I hate people to protect myself simply because I don't love myself enough. For some reason, I needed people to accept me. I say past tense because I don't think it's there anymore. Probably because I always accept it for reality, for something natural. And when I talked with my mom, by admitting that that was my reasoning, I exposed things to my conscious mind. And my conscious mind didn't agree. It didn't find it logical.

Or maybe it's the ripple effect. My mom didn't accept me, that was the pebble hitting the water, and all the ripples were my paranoia towards everybody else not accepting me. Maybe by believing my mom when she told me that she only rejected the parts of me she felt were ungodly, which is fair enough because I too reject the parts of people I find ungodly... by believing her, I threw the pebble into the grass. And now there is no ripple effect. Now I'm not paranoid that everyone won't accept me.

Not that I believe everyone will accept me. It's not so much what they will or won't do but how important it is to me. It doesn't matter if people don't accept me. I accept myself.

And since there seems to be a pause in my thought processes I'm going to assume that I can leave it at that. Do I really believe that my worth can be identified through grades? No, I don't. I know that because of how varied grades are. They depend on an infinite amount of variables, including topic and my ability to understand it but not excluding the way teachers grades various assignments or tests, the validity of what tests and assignments they give us and etc. Sure, it shows that I'm adaptable when I can get a good grade in everything.

But when I think about it, look at Figure Drawing. I drew during all of the class periods I came. I did it to the best of my ability. I know that my forte isn't drawing. I've always known. And I can accept that. Because my forte is writing. My forte is solving problems. My forte is helping people. Why in Heaven's name would the fact that I didn't wake up at 5 in the morning on four occasions and spend four hours repeating what I'd already done earlier in the semester many times - give me an identity? Give me my worth?

DRAWING is not what gives me my worth. I know that. I absolutely know that. It doesn't represent me any more than the Olympics do. I'm not in the Olympics so does that make me worthless? No. Because my worth is not associated with the Olympics any more than it is with drawing. That's not me. My worth is associated with my passions, and the way I use my passions. I'm brilliant at what I do. I love that I keep growing and expanding, that I'm not trapped within who I am at any given moment, that I'll be more in the next minute and more in the minute after that.

No amount of not waking up at 5 in the morning on four occasions and not drawing for four hours can take that away from me.

What kind of logic ever said that it was so?

THE SUBCONSCIOUS LOGIC THAT DICTATED WHAT I SHOULD FEEL AND INSTEAD OF ASKING MYSELF IF I AGREED OR FOUND IT TO BE TRUE I MERELY ACCEPTED IT BLINDLY.

It's not true and I don't agree and thus, I no longer wish to feel it. I no longer wish to care if Steve Careau (sp) does not like that I didn't wake up at 5 in the morning on four occasions and go follow his directions. It doesn't matter to me that he doesn't like that I didn't do 5 out of 10 homeworks. It doesn't matter to me that Professor Botsford chose to put those questions on his exam, and make the exam worth 200 ridiculous points - and quite possibly I couldn't live up to his standards.

That doesn't matter. It also doesn't matter if he made a mistake and gave me a grade lower than what I deserved. Neither does it matter if my English teacher did the same on one of my test. Because the higher grade doesn't give me my worth any more than the lower grade. They're equal. In the fact that they mean nothing for me. By saying that I got a high score, I'm really saying that the relevance to my high score is that it represents my ability to do blah blah blah... and that represents my worth.

But that's what our society has set up for us and I don't need to follow their rules to define my worth. I already know my worth, my worth already thrives inside me. I don't need to prove it with some future action. At least, not in the worldly sense. I do believe that I have my own inner standards to uphold but I have faith that I will uphold them because I'm worthy. That's what worthy people do. I know that sentence sounds snobbish but there was no other way to say it.

I think all I'm saying is that my worth is fused with my identity. I am my worth. I don't wear it like a graduation diploma. I am that worth. It can't be taken away from me because as long as my identity exists (and not just my identity as Melissa) my worth will be present.

It makes me proud, but pride is fruitless, to know that I have A's. And it makes me self-loathing to know that I have D's. My worth isn't based on those A's so my worth does not suffer when I have D's.

Okay?

It is such a turn on to have someone turned on by you.

Yeah, yeah. That's the stripper's motto. It's all about choosing who you will allow to be turned on by you. I really, really, don't picture the least attractive person I know masturbating to me. I'm in denial. Only the people I'm attracted to can be attracted to me. Stop corrupting my sex appeal in your head!

Why am I attracted to John? Whyyyyyyyyyy??? It's pure attraction. The stuff that thrills you into forgetting reality, cause all you want to do is make your desire a reality. I wouldn't say it's as much about sex as it is about the thrill of our attraction that is displayed during sex. Or at least from what I've seen.

I just feel this adrenaline when I talk to him. And when I ask myself where it comes from it seems to come from some fantasy that John and I have something special. Like our mutual attraction is unique and spectacular and thus exciting and thus it gets my adrenaline going.

It's such a big fat lie, so why does it keep coming back?

And can I just say in my most spiteful writing-voice that if anyone is using me for sex it's the exact same person who accused Dan of using me for sex "coughJohncough"!

Ugh, this attraction in my system is really getting depressed at my dosage of reality. It's conflicting. :(

My school sent me a letter asking me if I want to be a tutor, which I actually thought about doing at the end of last semester. You get paid for it, and I love teaching and even though I don't know as much as you'd think, I have a capability to understand a lot, and help others understand it too. I suppose I would tutor the classes I've already taken, like General Psychology or Sociology, maybe Western Philosophy too and to be honest, I'd be completely able to tutor Forensic Science. I'd tutor Child Adolescence if I could. I haven't taken the class yet, and thus can't be sure if I could really help anybody else but as I said, I'm a quick learner and I'm taking it this semester.

But I needed this standardized letter telling me I'm a real asset to my school. My self-worth has been low. What with getting my license suspended, not being able to sing lol, and not making the Dean's List. Which means that I have a lowish grade in at least one of the classes, probably Western Civilization. Damn him and his queer final exam.

I just needed an ego stroke, I suppose. I don't know what it takes for them to send you a letter suggesting you tutor, if it's your grades or if somebody recommends you. Or maybe they just send it to everybody with a couple semesters in their trunk. It doesn't matter, it makes me feel good.

Suddenly, today has become a good day. Liking yourself just gives you a satisfying energy that's with you, no matter what you're doing. I forgot. I told Dan that I was finding it hard to get used to my boring, quiet life again, after NYC. But the reason I find it so easy to have a boring, quiet life is that even if what I'm doing is boring, who I am while I'm doing it isn't. I enjoy being me, thus, I enjoy lounging around the house when I'll I've got to keep me company is me, myself and I... and perhaps a movie or a book or some food mm. It works for me. My peace, my space, my self.

Are you good at being aggressive during sex?

It's a turnon, not just that, but it makes sex hot. To be smothered by someone's passion. I don't like being dominated but I like aggressive passion.

The more imposing it is, the more it's apparent that it's passion. Like pinning someone against the wall, hard.

John was pretty ferocious in his passion, that's why I liked him, really. I don't like to make love. Although it's fair to say I can't be sure of what I like.

Domination means that you decide what happens, I hate it when guys don't allow me to decide what happens to my body, I don't play by other people's rules.

But when it's something simple like biting my neck or a little bit of man-handling, I need an aggressive touch, fervor, passion, urgency.

It's probably difficult to see the distinction but domination as an action is annoying. Fervor and passion are best expressed in a dominating way with feeling.

That's why I said that passion should be smothering. Not controlling, per se. But loud enough and urgent enough so that it's felt in a prominent way!

John had the dominating personality that when I felt, it turned me on so so much. But he carried it too far into the act of dominating me and that was a turnoff!!

So I had this dream about meeting Dan... I guess we planned it beforehand and he came to pick me up in a car. At my house. Which is improbable but whatever. He also came with his mom, dad, sister and brother. I guess I was still packing a little bit so his brother and his dad went into my garage and since my dad does a lot of remodeling, there were two places where he had begun to build a door in the wall or whatever. One was really against a wall but the other was sort of traces into where some beams were, can't explain it better than that. In any case, the point is that his brother decided that he would make a door like two feet away from the door my dad had made on the beams. I think he actually took apart some beams and put them in a different place which is as easy as making cake in my dreams, so I had to stop him before he destroyed my dad's work some more. And then his dad had traced an outline of a door he wanted a couple feet from the door on the wall that my dad had traced. It'll make a lot more sense if you think of them as pencil outlines for where the door would be cut out. And he began to saw it or cut it a little but I stopped him before there was any damage.

Then I guess I went to the car, there was something about somebody's wedding and his little sister, I suppose, really thought the flower girl was cute and she mentioned it to me. See, I made Dan get out of the car because for some reason he wanted me to climb over him and sit on the opposite side of where I was and it didn't make sense to walk around to the other side, I'm not sure why, perhaps because his dad was on the other side because after Dan got out and I got in, I was between him and his dad.

So originally Dan was driving but in dreams, car interiors seem to reverse right underneath your bum, so there ended up being nobody in the driver's seat but we can't concern ourselves with that. All I remember is someone driving away from my house and I leaned my head on Dan's shoulder and then kissed him. Owing to the position it was a soft kiss. Ironically, the tonguing was soft but his teeth were sharp. In real life, I don't think he could have kissed me at all if I was snuggled into his neck but whatever. It was a good kiss. But then he got distracted, owing to the fact that he had to get out at somebody's wedding, who we'd just arrived at.

I don't even know what it was about, I guess I wasn't in the loop during the dream. He had to pretend something with Tiffany and then he might have had to do it again. And I wondered if him losing concentration on my kissing was his way of pulling away and preparing for somebody else because I wonder how that feels, to have feelings for more than one person and have to switch your emotions and concentration back and forth. Hell, I know what that feels like, and it's surprisingly not that bad. But in the dream, it was almost like his switching gears was like pulling up a poker face and get ready to lie. I suppose I can't explain it well enough because I don't even know what the hell he was going to do, I just know he had a responsibility to other women.

Pretty much the dream ended with his little sister commenting on the flower girl, and the only reason I mentioned it at the beginning of the dream is that at this point, it was like we were commenting again. Like we'd already seen her and she said, "look there she is again." kind of thing.

Dan's vibe is always slightly different, slightly foreign in dreams. I can still tell it's him but it really is like I'm meeting him anew. Which I would be and that's why it's accurate, he would have a foreign vibe in person, I just wonder if he'd have the same vibe in my dreams, I'd venture to say not. But oh well, I can enjoy them anyway.

I have other things on my mind though. John and his hypocrisy. I suppose I should be grateful... after my peptalk about just "going for it" with guys, instead of needing a guarantee that it's going to be a significant relationship... I did actually begin to go for it with John and Dan. Dan's always receptive. John is always jealous of Dan. Whatever. I don't need a possessive, controlling boyfriend anyway. Who does? I guess I suddenly went from only wanting to use John for sex, or a lesser rated sexual act like, say, heavy petting... to nearly sending him a message saying that I liked him. He got mad and I wanted to assure him that I like him and he should forget about Dan cause it's irrelevant and hypocritical while he's also got Lyla to even the score. But by the end of the message I was like What, the, fuck, am, I, fighting, for???? Seriously. So I finally convince John I like him and then what?

I don't know how that happened. Every time I thought of kissing him in my head I really only pictured us kissing and me using him specifically and exclusively for that. I wouldn't care if he went to Lyla's house right after. I just wanted some action. But then I fucked that up in my head. Before I could do anything about it, John and I fought a bit more over Dan. And the next day he said,

So I had this dream about meeting Dan... I guess we planned it beforehand and he came to pick me up in a car. At my house. Which is improbable but whatever. He also came with his mom, dad, sister and brother. I guess I was still packing a little bit so his brother and his dad went into my garage and since my dad does a lot of remodeling, there were two places where he had begun to build a door in the wall or whatever. One was really against a wall but the other was sort of traces into where some beams were, can't explain it better than that. In any case, the point is that his brother decided that he would make a door like two feet away from the door my dad had made on the beams. I think he actually took apart some beams and put them in a different place which is as easy as making cake in my dreams, so I had to stop him before he destroyed my dad's work some more. And then his dad had traced an outline of a door he wanted a couple feet from the door on the wall that my dad had traced. It'll make a lot more sense if you think of them as pencil outlines for where the door would be cut out. And he began to saw it or cut it a little but I stopped him before there was any damage.

Then I guess I went to the car, there was something about somebody's wedding and his little sister, I suppose, really thought the flower girl was cute and she mentioned it to me. See, I made Dan get out of the car because for some reason he wanted me to climb over him and sit on the opposite side of where I was and it didn't make sense to walk around to the other side, I'm not sure why, perhaps because his dad was on the other side because after Dan got out and I got in, I was between him and his dad.

So originally Dan was driving but in dreams, car interiors seem to reverse right underneath your bum, so there ended up being nobody in the driver's seat but we can't concern ourselves with that. All I remember is someone driving away from my house and I leaned my head on Dan's shoulder and then kissed him. Owing to the position it was a soft kiss. Ironically, the tonguing was soft but his teeth were sharp. In real life, I don't think he could have kissed me at all if I was snuggled into his neck but whatever. It was a good kiss. But then he got distracted, owing to the fact that he had to get out at somebody's wedding, who we'd just arrived at.

I don't even know what it was about, I guess I wasn't in the loop during the dream. He had to pretend something with Tiffany and then he might have had to do it again. And I wondered if him losing concentration on my kissing was his way of pulling away and preparing for somebody else because I wonder how that feels, to have feelings for more than one person and have to switch your emotions and concentration back and forth. Hell, I know what that feels like, and it's surprisingly not that bad. But in the dream, it was almost like his switching gears was like pulling up a poker face and get ready to lie. I suppose I can't explain it well enough because I don't even know what the hell he was going to do, I just know he had a responsibility to other women.

Pretty much the dream ended with his little sister commenting on the flower girl, and the only reason I mentioned it at the beginning of the dream is that at this point, it was like we were commenting again. Like we'd already seen her and she said, "look there she is again." kind of thing.

Dan's vibe is always slightly different, slightly foreign in dreams. I can still tell it's him but it really is like I'm meeting him anew. Which I would be and that's why it's accurate, he would have a foreign vibe in person, I just wonder if he'd have the same vibe in my dreams, I'd venture to say not. But oh well, I can enjoy them anyway.

I have other things on my mind though. John and his hypocrisy. I suppose I should be grateful... after my peptalk about just "going for it" with guys, instead of needing a guarantee that it's going to be a significant relationship... I did actually begin to go for it with John and Dan. Dan's always receptive. John is always jealous of Dan. Whatever. I don't need a possessive, controlling boyfriend anyway. Who does? I guess I suddenly went from only wanting to use John for sex, or a lesser rated sexual act like, say, heavy petting... to nearly sending him a message saying that I liked him. He got mad and I wanted to assure him that I like him and he should forget about Dan cause it's irrelevant and hypocritical while he's also got Lyla to even the score. But by the end of the message I was like What, the, fuck, am, I, fighting, for???? Seriously. So I finally convince John I like him and then what?

I don't know how that happened. Every time I thought of kissing him in my head I really only pictured us kissing and me using him specifically and exclusively for that. I wouldn't care if he went to Lyla's house right after. I just wanted some action. But then I fucked that up in my head. Before I could do anything about it, John and I fought a bit more over Dan. And the next day he said,

bizzythekid1030 (12:07:25 am): lyla is asking me what happend between you and I
IAMSpartacus117 (12:07:32 am): eh?
IAMSpartacus117 (12:07:36 am): when?
bizzythekid1030 (12:07:41 am): at your house
IAMSpartacus117 (12:07:49 am): why is she asking now?
bizzythekid1030 (12:07:57 am): we got to talking about alot of things
IAMSpartacus117 (12:08:15 am): you can tell her how fantastic of an oatmeal cooker I am.
bizzythekid1030 (12:08:51 am): BizZyTheKiD1030 (12:08:25 AM): we made out and she made me oatmeal
IAMSpartacus117 (12:09:00 am): bah
IAMSpartacus117 (12:09:15 am): you forgot the heavy petting
bizzythekid1030 (12:09:24 am): hah
bizzythekid1030 (12:09:33 am): you know i was thinking last night
bizzythekid1030 (12:09:45 am): i really have no reason to be upset when you mention someone
IAMSpartacus117 (12:11:38 am): why?
bizzythekid1030 (12:12:20 am): you dont belong to me, we are friends
bizzythekid1030 (12:12:25 am): your life is yours to live
IAMSpartacus117 (12:12:30 am): and you have no feelings for me?
bizzythekid1030 (12:12:41 am): no i do, but its pointless
IAMSpartacus117 (12:13:53 am): why?
bizzythekid1030 (12:14:23 am): idk, like i cant see us in a relationship
IAMSpartacus117 (12:14:40 am): why?
bizzythekid1030 (12:14:55 am): look at how we argue
IAMSpartacus117 (12:15:01 am): ???
bizzythekid1030 (12:15:15 am): we get worked up about the smallest things
IAMSpartacus117 (12:15:24 am): that's exactly what couples do.
bizzythekid1030 (12:15:42 am): but we arent a couple
IAMSpartacus117 (12:18:11 am): okay well that's fine, because Dan and I are much closer than you and I.
bizzythekid1030 (12:18:35 am): ok?
IAMSpartacus117 (12:19:39 am): I mean that if I'm not involved with you I can devote myself to Dan. and if you're not involved with me you can devote yourself to Lyla, so it's better if we don't get involved.
IAMSpartacus117 (12:25:17 am): k, well I guess it's agreed, we'll be.. platonic.
bizzythekid1030 (12:25:36 am): sure
IAMSpartacus117 (12:25:37 am): I'm gonna play Rummy with Kristen so I'll talk to you some other time.
IAMSpartacus117 (12:25:39 am): ta.
bizzythekid1030 (12:25:40 am): k

I don't know what he meant by fighting, he said we got worked up but he really only meant that he gets jealous of Dan because he wants me, so he can't want me because he wants me, so we can't date because when he wants me he gets jealous.

That's my interpretation of his logic. But here's how I see it, if I'm horny, which I am, every second of every day, and I suppose I sort of like him, which I guess I wasn't putting into the equation until now... then we'll only end up hanging out and making out and it will end with him telling me he wants to stay with Lyla. But honestly, he just said that we'll never date even though he has feelings for me, which is his way of skipping a few steps and basically just telling me he wants to stay with Lyla.

There we go, problem solved.

So I don't get any action, which is a bummer. But whatever. I'm only sparing myself. He's only sparing me.

The day before I left we were talking about sex, I guess, and earlier on I told him that I was probably not going to have sex for a few years, except, I couldn't lie, if Dan came down in May. Which made John jealous so later on in the evening he asked me if I wanted to have sex with him and I told him that I was attracted to the idea but that doesn't mean I'd execute in a snap decision. Which is honestly the exact same thing for Dan. I'm not saying I WILL have sex with Dan next time I see him. I'm only saying that I will have the opportunity and I'm more likely to have sex when I have the opportunity than when I don't. Thus, I'm more likely to have sex. And since Dan and I are close, it's seems probable that we would want to get closer. That's the whole point of meeting up.

In any case, I think that John felt that I had already agreed to sleep with Dan but I was uncertain about sleeping with him. Which isn't really accurate but try telling him that. I guess I don't need to at this point. I need to let him go, but it's just so tempting to keep running around in this cycle.

It's insane. I thought it would be a productive idea to "go for it" with someone but WHO? JOHN AND DAN? John will never go for it with me, why was I even pretending he was serious with me, serious enough to get me to wonder if I was serious with him or not. Which I concluded that I should stop pretending I wasn't and "go for it". And Dan? Aren't we just doing over what we did last spring. Jen in the background, however prominent. Him and I loving each other but not being able to do anything to show it except express it, which really gets a bit repetitive if it's not leading to any other expression...

How is "going for it" in any way, shape, or form productive. I'm only back where I started in 2007. Back to repeat the same mistakes all over again. Because it's a mistake to get stuck. And that's what I'm doing. I'm hopping on the treadmill with the intention of moving forward, and I'll never make any forward movements. What am I supposed to do? Wait until I get a boyfriend from college? Again, a repeat of 2007, only we already know that I didn't get a boyfriend. It's too hard to make friends, it's too hard to find someone suitable to my needs.

I'm left with my attraction to John, and my love and compatibility with Dan. The first is out of the question cause he'll only leave me hanging. and the second can't get me anywhere if he lives in Michigan. Bah.

I didn't even get to bitch about how things are going with Kristen....

I like you, but you can't control me. You can't control my friendship with Dan. And you have no right to. I refuse to feel guilty about my honesty. And I would like you better if you weren't hypocritical. You may not recall all the times you've told me how much you love Lyla. You can't even tell me you like me without telling me how much you love Lyla in the same runon sentence. I guess we know why you're dating her and merely flirting with me.

Until that changes, I have every right to interact with Dan. I have every right to care about him and let him care about me. And I'm disappointed that I know somehow, no matter what self-righteous words I use to try to make your behavior better you're not going to give a damn about what's right, you'd rather dwell in your possessive jealousy. You don't even want me enough to actually possess me, i.e. as your girlfriend, so I really wish you'd realize your error of inconsistency and get over yourself.

The worst thing for me is when I realize the bullshit I'm fighting for.