So I dunno, let's be honest here.

I feel like I have a live bug in my right nostril. Do you know what that feels like? Cause I didn't until just a moment ago and it feels creepy. It's like something is fluttering in there. Like really deep in there. And I blew my nose and it didn't help. This is soo creepy. Cause I don't know what's going on.

Anyway, that's not what I wanted to be honest about. It relaxes me to read my old blog. Not my lj, but my blog. And to realize my strength. I have such a rational, honest, strong voice when I write. Sometimes I forget about it. And I'm sooo good at analogies. Which is helpful for a writing career. I want to be a confident writer who can help people understand what I'm trying to express.

Something snapped. Fear snapped. It broke in half.

It doesn't have to do with the blogs but this is how it started. Cory keeps texting me and it's been driving me nuts. Every time I see his name something in my brain twitches, like the beginning of a headache. I told him I had a cell because I wanted to be honest, because he used to mean a lot to me and he didn't deserve to have that from me. But that doesn't mean I want to be friends with him. There's nothing I want or need from him.

So I answered his texts a little but blah, he would say hi like three times a day and he would be like "i'm unhappy" or something and then one time he told me to entertain him. HA. Right, like I'm going to entertain him when I can't stand talking to him in the first place.

What I really can't stand is not being able to say YOU ARE ANNOYING ME. That really only makes me annoyed. I just don't want to talk to him at all. So I sent him a text saying, "Cory, I don't like talking to you. Especially not 5 times a day. How about once a week." And he said "Fine."

And that's that. So as I was reading my old blogs and felt that surge of confidence, I decided to make it straight with other people. StephStog has been calling me lately, although I've been asleep both times. She also sent me messages on Elftown. She's been blocked on myspace so she couldn't send messages or friend requests there. I ignore her when she's here and Amelia tells her in weird ways that I don't like her.

Then she sent me a comment on my truth box and said that she wanted to hang out with me, and maybe me and Kristen. And maybe ignoring her and not working. Just maybe. Because she's not getting the hint. And screaming that she's a fucking bitch to her face didn't work either. You know? She thinks that if I abuse her, that's just all part of the friendship. But it's not. I don't want to be her friend, clear and simple. But I had never said it to her, because I always wanted to avoid the awkwardness. But this is the day to do it.

So I sent her a message on myspace, "No, I don't want to hang out. I'm sorry, but I don't want a friendship with you. I don't hate you. I just have no desire to have a friendship with you."

She needs to know that it's not negotiable. She can't change to make it work. It's not that I have a problem with her or that I hate her or that I resent her or that I'm mad at her. I simply don't want a friendship with her. That's all there is to it.

And now I've just sent one to Dan telling him I'm not in love with him anymore. I've not wanted to say it because he just bought me the jewelry and that was really nice of him. But to be fair, it shouldn't be about buying my love, and that's exactly what it made me do, give him my love because I thought I owed it to him.

But this whole confidence didn't even start with Stephanie, it began with Dan. My blog said "That's the thing about John. There isn't anything I regret not having. He's disposable. Not worthless in general but disposable to my life. And that's what I'm afraid of. He probably would have still been disposable had we been dating by this point but I would have loved him anyway. And I don't want to have to rely on love. You know what I mean? Love is blind. I don't want to be with someone merely for love. That's what I did with Mike. I adored him as a whole but I didn't admire him, his personality or his choices. I could have loved John, but it's almost like I would have been dependent on my love for him. Almost as if I couldn't have liked him. Not that I dislike him, to be sure. I don't dislike him. It's all just not the way I want my next relationship to happen."

And that's now how I feel about Dan. In that blog entry I compared John to Dan and I said things like, with Dan, things were never a waste of time even though we weren't officially together and etc. And now I realize that I don't feel that way about Dan anymore. I am wasting my time with him right now. And I do feel that the only thing holding it together is love.

And this is probably exactly what he wants subconsciously. To be rejected, to have to be self-sufficient. If he wants to do it, he can. I don't know if he will. But he shouldn't need me, he should be able to get to the point where he needs nobody. And I have to work on other stuff that doesn't involve him. It just doesn't. I have to resolve things that he can't help me resolve. And for a while, I felt that we were benefiting each other. And then for a while, I felt that I was benefiting him. And I liked it. But I knew that our relationship wasn't benefiting me.

And I realize now that I need to grow. That I've got to work through these issues, most especially before I finish my book because I can't finish my book with this unresolved conflict, when the purpose of my book is to share my resolved conflicts. This has been going on way too long and I need it to stop. I need to be able to make it stop. That's the point, not to be in control, but to be unified in my decision making. To resolve the conflicts that come from having many different parts.

I've got to work through these either before I get a job or by getting a job. Cause it's what's standing in the way. I have to work through these in order to have a successful relationship. I have to work through these in order to have successful friendships. I have to work through these in order to conquer the fear that I have.

And to be honest, I feel like right now, Felix is my next step.

Although, I've been getting the feeling that he's draining me. So I've got to make sure that no longer happens. But it's kind of like how it was with Mike. I feel like I'm babysitting him. But really, I'm only babysitting the qualities that we both share, that we both fall victim to. The qualities that need to change in both of us. And I can't solve his conflicts, he's got to do it. So you could say that helping him isn't really about helping him. But It's like I'm speaking to myself through speaking to him. I'm telling him what I need to be reminded of.

We both have the same exact damn power plays. It's insane. We use the same exact techniques. I wonder if I picked it up from him five years ago. lol. Sometimes, solving the problems while you feel safe is the best way to solve them. You know? You can't heal when you're always on your guard. And I had to do that with a lot of other guys. I need to now work on my power issues in a safe setting and part of that is being with someone new but someone I trust. I need to feel that we're on fresh grounds, that the past isn't going to come up with leverage or be used against each other, or to intimidate me. Cause that sparks power issues. and I need to know that I can trust him and depend on him.

Regardless of if it's true, I do feel it. I feel relaxed. I don't have any urge to fight with him, my ego isn't sparked, my pride isn't sparked. But I still have these power issues that come from being afraid.

So we'll see what happens.

I'm really emotional and weepy. I don't know why. Felix keeps making me hurt, but I'm not usually like this, quick to cry. So I have a feeling it's more than that. Something else that's making me really delicate and sensitive and Felix is just triggering it. But I don't know what it could be because I haven't been upset about anything but Felix. and that was only cause I missed him.

So this crazy microsoft word full of convos is full of fights! Seriously.

That I can remember:
Jen
Maegan
Jon Stogner
Stephanie
Shannon
Hannah
David
Some guy on a forum - Savethewave

It's ridiculous. These fights are insane. I don't know what I look like, seriously. I'm pretty damn good at fighting and I try not to be too ridiculous. Mostly because I'm less on the offensive and more on the defensive offense. Like, people try to say whatever hurtful things they can say - Maegan called me a puppet and her my puppet master (in the context of our friendship, it's a pretty random thing to say) and David called me a dishrag cause I'm apparently dirty, and I'm a whore and a cock tease - don't get me started. and Hannah called me a dike, although she's bi. And Jen told me to take a shower and that if I didn't stop expressing that I dislike her to my boyfriend she would come punch me in the face.

So they tend to be untrue statements, ridiculous, passionate, easy to defend against. But when I defend, I end up mocking them a bit and countering in - to me - a satisfying way. So I put them down for putting me down in a ridiculous fashion. It works out.

The art of arguing.

Not that I'm proud. I mean, I guess, when someone is being so hateful, you have to have some coping skills. And when people call me bad names, I like to win the argument to make myself feel better and I get pleasure out of winning, to make myself feel better.

There should be no joy in making other people feel bad. A lot of them were kind of asking for it though. Like, I'm touchy, I know. But.. yeah.

I mean, there were other fights. But not as many. I'm just kind of tired of reading all this hate and blasphemy. :p I've got 95 more pages to go, at 9 pt font... and they're all of me and Shannon. Oy vey.

Jeezus. Is there some unfinished business or what? I don't like him THAT much.

So I've been really social. I've talked to Kristen, Shawn, Garland and Alvin - who I haven't talked to for five years, and I never really talked to him all that much, in fact - on aim. And I've talked to Dan, Felix, Cory, Kayla, and Serigo on MSN.

That's not bad.

Plus I've talked to Mike, James, Maegan and Frank on Myspace. Most of them were the past two days. Except James and Mike, they were within the past week.

And I've talked to Felix on the phone. and I've started dating Kristen.

But it's weird and not entirely satisfying. I'm used to relying on myself. I'm used to satisfying myself. You can always count on yourself to be compatible, agreeable, enjoyable, on the same level. I understand myself. It's disheartening to know that other people don't.

And I've realized, there isn't a lot to talk about with these people. There really isn't.

I've tried not to get annoyed. Garland asked me to hang out. At 3AM. But I said no. And Cory asked for my cellphone number, but I said I didn't have one. I don't like lying, but I also don't like telling him that I don't want him to call me. I never should have answered his IM at all. I really don't like Cory anymore. He's very hateful and Nazish and I really don't agree with it at all. Kayla also asked me for my number, but I gave that to her. And Serigo asked me to hang out when he comes out here. And Felix has asked me to hang out once every hour.

I didn't really have anything to say to Alvin. And I didn't really want to talk to Garland. or Serigo. Or Kayla, really. Or Shawn.

I said Shawn was slower than Felix. But now I've realized that Felix is still slower than Frank. I miss Frank's dyanmic personality. His myspace says in a relationship. Which I think he only changed yesterday. Sad. :(

Of course my relationship changed too. But Kristen hasn't changed her status on myspace. ...

It happened in a whirlwind. All of these people IMing me and talking to me at once. Of course, the ones I'm intrigued by haven't a lot. i.e. James and Frank. Damn them.

I enjoy talking to Felix. He fancies me a bit though. Not that it's all one way. I want to go to Switzerland with him. :D That would be sooo awesome.

Lost in that fantasy.

Anyway. It's kind of empty and shallow. To be in this social world. How do you balance the two? The life of a philosopher and these shallow social relationships?

Plus, I haven't had much time to work on my book.. I mean it's only been a few days but I have been neglecting for a few days and I'm on a schedule and now I can't possibly meet my deadline. My deadline was for the end of May, I wanted to go through all that I have so far and delete all the crap that won't be useful for my book. But I have like 2,700 pages and I'd have to go through like 400 a day. It's not that it can't be done. Only that, what with being social... and taking care of Isis...

And the thing is, I'm having a hard time finding the balance. Because I was independent and now that I'm social, I find my independence missing. Like when I'm not talking to someone, I'm like, uhhhh, what do I do now? I just sit here empty and lost. I find it hard to flip a switch. Be social and dependent and conversational when people are around. But flip the switch and be independent and motivated when they're not around.

Although when they are around, I'm still not satisfied. That's what sucks. People are not satisfying... It really begs the question, what am I looking for? I like companionship, I have to admit. And thus far it's all been online or over the phone. So I would prefer to have people to hang out with. I have to hang out with Garland to return the books. And Kristen owes me a playdate, we have so many things planned. Felix and I would have a playdate if we could, of course. I could ask James but, you know him... I should ask him anyway. And I could go out with Serigo when he comes but meh.

I don't know how I'll like being rejected by James. Not to hold the matrix. I wonder if he's coming back to live with his dad.

Oops. I forgot all about this entry.

I miss Felix. :(

Fucking...I HATE BEING ON THE PERIPHERY!

Melissa is not in the shower.. says:
The first one was just about like a college can't think of the word. club, if you know what I mean.
Felix says:
sorority?
Melissa is not in the shower.. says:
Yeah
Felix says:
lol
Melissa is not in the shower.. says:
And I was trying to get in. And what I did is kind of vague. I just remember being in their house. and they all liked me, except one cause she thought I was in the IRA. Can't really explain why she had her suspicions.
Melissa is not in the shower.. says:
And the second one was about a broadway musical.
Melissa is not in the shower.. says:
And I was trying out.
Melissa is not in the shower.. says:
And I guess, a lot of it was about the main female star and the main male star. it was tryouts, so it was how they got started. and then we were taking a group photo..
Melissa is not in the shower.. says:
and it seems like it turned into boot camp. I don't know how that happened.
Felix says:
lol
Melissa is not in the shower.. says:
And they got my stuffed panda muddy.
Felix says:
lolollololol
Melissa is not in the shower.. says:
And at the end of my sorority one, cause I guess my gf was in it, and I was playing my Irish flute for her and then we were going to go make out.
Felix says:
lol
Melissa is not in the shower.. says:
Two of my more boring dreams.

In every single youtube video or myspace video there's someone arguing with someone else. It's hard not to. I know how they feel, but I contain myself. People say comments, and they conflict with your own opinions and you have to dispute their comments in order for your own opinions to be validated. At least that's what I believed. It's hard to let other people have opinions if they contradict yours. So instead of people leaving their opinions in an isolated fashion. They make comments that argue with other people's previous comments. Yeah, I agree. People make stupid comments. and Believe me. I've spent a lot of time trying to argue with people about their opinions. But I don't believe it's worth investing time in. And I'm not even kidding when I say it's on every single video. It seems a shame. That people have a place to argue more.

Now what was I going to say? I came to post but I got distracted by Loren's post. He posted pictures from London.

Hmm. Oh yes, my dreams. Kind of weird dreams. Always weird dreams. But the last one was weird cause I came out to go to school and Erin was in my car. So I was like, okay, and I took her with me. So I go to class and I don't know how it happened but it was epic. With dragons and dungeons and all kinds of stuff. So I finally come out at like 9PM and Erin is still sitting in my car and I feel so bad that I forgot about her and I forgot that I had my "field trip" or whatever that day. She says she understands, she's in college too and all.

So I start driving but it's all hokey, my brakes don't work very well so I keep running stop signs and driving on the wrong side of the road. Like. Imagine the traffic going opposite ways. I'm on the other side of the white line, of the opposite cars, as if there's a third lane. Not a good idea. And I didn't think so in the dream either. I don't know if that was the time or if it had been before that, but I exited the wrong direction and had to turn around in someone's driveway and come back out going the right direction.

So then I went to a grocery store. We really just wanted to get home but I went to a grocery store and I filled up my kart and then I began to leave. And as I was walking towards the exit, I stopped. And decided, I didn't want things to go this way, getting in trouble for stealing a bunch of groceries. Cause. It seemed like it was a possibility. Cause, I mean, I had just done it with the car. Almost mindless. And I mindlessly walked to the exit but I stopped and said, wait a minute. And people who work there were eyeing me like, you better turn around. So I did and I went to the check out line but it was really packed. They told me to start writing down what I had to make it easier for the person to check me out. But I didn't want to write down a pound of this and a dozen of that and Erin was already waiting in the car and I felt bad.

It's weird, cause I don't remember stopping at the grocery store. So I ditched my kart altogether and I went back to my car. I think Erin asked me about Chris. And then she asked me about my fiance. And what happened to him. lol. She meant Mike. and I said that we'd broken up. And I didn't want it to sound like I had thought we were going to get married and made a big deal out of it but then it turned out we were just silly kids who had broken up, as predicted. So, I said that if I could still be with him, I would. And then I thought, um, were we ever engaged? lol.

So that's about it.

So even though Kristen and I are dating again, her myspace survey said that she wasn't in love with me. I haven't heard her say she's in love with anyone but Kyle. I guess that's fine, since I'm not in love with her. But one wonders what the point of a relationship is if it's not about love. One definitely wonders.

I like talking to Felix but he kind of reminds me of Jeff. Jeff blunders in here, if that's the right way to put it. Just call me Wooster. In any case, he blunders in here with meh, feelings for me. He doesn't love me but he wants to date me. So I go along with it. And then he tries to kiss me, and then he tries to stick his hand down my pants. And it's kind of, meh, like he doesn't realize how I feel. Like he's doing what he wants with me, but he's not acknowledging that I'm not just an empty body. And it's all very quick, in only a couple days. And I'm just stunned. Like, how do you expect me to go along with this? And then he gets really mad because I'm not doing what he wants. And suddenly he hates me and he doesn't want to talk to me again.

It's not that extreme with Felix, but it feels like it's following the same path. Like we were talking and he obviously adores me lol. I don't know what it's about, he flirts with me. But I suppose it could very well be purely physical. And he loves it that I'm legal now. But I feel like a disappointment cause I don't accept his sexual advances. I'm not going to freakin cyber with him. So I feel like he won't talk to me now. And it's sad. Cause I obviously don't like feeling pressured to give him what he wants. But I'm also sad that if he doesn't want to talk to me now, that it means he really only cares about sex. and I think he's hot too. But I like his personality more. :( I'm such a girl. He's such a guy.

He hasn't stopped talking to me. But he was giving me TONS of attention. And now it's very halted in comparison.

He says, in response: "Uh. I've been talking to you for years. And I've never seen you nude... or ever will have the chance to have sex with you. Don't you think I would have stopped talking to you?" And then he said, "You're just a big tease, you think that's pleasant?"

But I only teased him to get his attention. lol.

hehe.

[02:24] call me krit: I just wish I could be with you again.
[02:24] call me krit: And not be dating someone at the same time.
[02:25] IAMSpartacus117: Be with me, how do you mean?
[02:27] call me krit: You know.
[02:28] call me krit: In every way.
[02:29] IAMSpartacus117: No, I don't know.
[02:29] IAMSpartacus117: "be with you" kind of means, be in your presence.
[02:29] IAMSpartacus117: In which case.
[02:29] IAMSpartacus117: HANG OUT WITH ME.
[02:29] IAMSpartacus117: :D
[02:29] IAMSpartacus117: lol, I can always find somewhere to fit that line in.
[02:30] call me krit: I know.
[02:30] call me krit: Be with you as in... call you mine, basically.
[02:30] IAMSpartacus117: Well I would let you do that if I wasn't such a flirt.
[02:31] call me krit: Haha.
[02:31] call me krit: I am, too, though.
[02:31] call me krit: But, when I like someone, I really like them.
[02:32] IAMSpartacus117: Well what I mean is, I liked it when you could call me yours. But you were dating Kyle, so I didn't feel pressured to commit and be dedicated.
[02:32] IAMSpartacus117: And it's hard to be dedicated to one sex. It was hard not to kiss you while I was dating Mike.
[02:32] call me krit: Yeah, I know.
[02:32] IAMSpartacus117: And I just have random guys here and there that I'm involved with, though never dating.
[02:33] IAMSpartacus117: so then technically, I wouldn't be exclusively yours.
[02:33] call me krit: Yeah.
[02:33] call me krit: How about inexclusivley? I don't even think that's a word.
[02:33] call me krit: But, whatever.
[02:33] IAMSpartacus117: lol
[02:33] IAMSpartacus117: Yeah. I'm up for an inexclusive relationship.
[02:34] IAMSpartacus117: Did you hear about those polygamists that got arrested or whatever, from Texas? They were mormons.
[02:34] IAMSpartacus117: Byligamists?
[02:34] IAMSpartacus117: I don't know.
[02:34] call me krit: Nope.
[02:34] IAMSpartacus117: The guys who have more than one wife.
[02:34] IAMSpartacus117: There was a sect down there. And they took the kids away from the mother.
[02:34] call me krit: Why?
[02:35] IAMSpartacus117: Well, because it's illegal. So they don't feel that the parents are fit to have the children at this point.
[02:35] call me krit: Ohhh.
[02:35] IAMSpartacus117: it's kind of weird how that's illegal. I mean, I don't agree with it, but it's funny that the law believes they have a right to tell people they can't have more than one partner.
[02:35] call me krit: Yeah, it's their choice and their belief.
[02:35] IAMSpartacus117: Yeah, it does complicate things though.
[02:35] call me krit: Hmm.
[02:35] call me krit: It does.
[02:35] IAMSpartacus117: I mean, for the law, to acknowledge 20 wives?
[02:36] IAMSpartacus117: And all those children?
[02:36] call me krit: True, haha.
[02:36] IAMSpartacus117: It's like a King's harems or something.
[02:36] IAMSpartacus117: Like a hundred kids.
[02:36] call me krit: For real.
[02:36] IAMSpartacus117: Divorce rate would go down.
[02:36] IAMSpartacus117: You could just get married again, while still married.
[02:37] call me krit: Yeah.
[02:37] IAMSpartacus117: so do you wanna have an inexclusive relationship with me?
[02:37] call me krit: Lol, of course.
[02:37] call me krit: ;-)
[02:37] IAMSpartacus117: So we're dating again?
[02:37] IAMSpartacus117: :D
[02:37] call me krit: Yeah, if you wanna.
[02:38] IAMSpartacus117: Yes. I want to.
[02:38] call me krit: Then yes.
[02:38] IAMSpartacus117: Okay.
[02:38] call me krit: Does this mean I can touch you and get away with it?
[02:38] call me krit: :-P
[02:38] IAMSpartacus117: lol
[02:38] IAMSpartacus117: Yeah. I'm yours.
[02:38] call me krit: Inexclusively.
[02:38] call me krit: HAhahaha
[02:39] IAMSpartacus117: It just means, if I wanted someone else to touch me they could too.
[02:39] IAMSpartacus117: But, that doesn't happen too often.lol
[02:39] call me krit: Awh, stop.

It's hard being blunt anymore. I used to be so course and unrefined, so I didn't mind saying anything and everything. Now I'm all controlled and proper and to be blunt would be so out of line. Although my family says I still have no tact. lol. Alright, I have to admit I'm kind of blunt around my brothers and sisters. But before, I'd be just randomly talking to one of those many guys and they'd be like, what are you thinking? And I would be like, I'm thinking of your cock in my mouth.

Now, I kind of keep it in my head, I guess. I suppose I'm a bit detached. Like I don't want to admit all of my emotions.

And yet, I do admit many, many emotions. It's really a fine line. Cause I guess I was ten times more blunt than other people, back in the day. And now I'm less blunt, but I find myself still more blunt than most people.

I dunno. Fine line.

So Kristen IMs me with a link to The Daily Mail for Greene County News.

News

Seven charged in ATV blast
By Colin DeVries

CATSKILL — Seven people were charged after an investigation alleged that they had blown up an all-terrain vehicle and damaged other items while partying on private property.

The Greene County Sheriff’s Department charged Brian S. Shultis, 19, of Catskill, and Wayne L. Taylor, 20, of Catskill, with arson, criminal mischief and criminal trespass.

Michael K. Stough, 18, also of Jefferson Heights, Catskill, was charged with criminal trespass.

Four 17-year-olds, three from Coxsackie and one from Smith’s Landing, were also brought in on charges ranging from criminal trespass, petit larceny and giving a false written statement.

The investigation uncovered that on the evening of May 10, into the early morning hours of May 11, the group allegedly entered a privately owned camping and hunting area on Valley Road in Athens. They intended to use the site to throw a party and drink alcohol, the sheriff’s office said.

The sheriff’s office alleges that while on the property the individuals broke into a shed and removed an ATV and other property.

Over the course of the party, the individuals destroyed property, including the ATV which had been tossed into a bonfire, causing a minor explosion, according to the sheriff’s office. The vehicle was found melted down to the frame.

The individuals also attempted to start a Jeep that was near the campsite but were unsuccessful, the sheriff’s office said.

“I commend Investigator Rich Selner on his diligent case work and ensuring that the individuals involved in this incident were quickly arrested,” said Sheriff Greg Seeley in a statement. “We are thankful that no one was injured by the careless and irresponsible actions of these young people. I am hopeful that these individuals realize the seriousness of their actions and understand that such behavior is not only criminal, but will not be tolerated in Greene County.”

Shultis and Taylor were both arraigned in Athens Town Court and each ordered held in the Greene County Jail in lieu of $1,500 bail. Stough and the 17-year-olds were all issued appearance tickets for Athens Town Court.

An investigation into the incident is ongoing and additional arrests are pending, the sheriff’s office said.



The "Michael K Stough" that they are referring to is the one and only Mike - that I've been talking about this entire time.

[01:18] call me krit: http://www.thedailymail.net/articles/2008/05/23/news/news3.txt
[01:18] IAMSpartacus117: hi.
[01:18] IAMSpartacus117: to you too.
[01:18] call me krit: Ha, read it!
[01:18] IAMSpartacus117: omg!
[01:18] call me krit: Lol, now do you know why I didn't say Hi?
[01:18] call me krit: :-P
[01:18] IAMSpartacus117: Jeezus.
[01:19] IAMSpartacus117: When I heard on the news that some guy had drowned or whatever in Catskill, I was thinking, it could so easily be Mike, like, one day I'm going to hear about him on the news. And it's going to be freaky.
[01:20] call me krit: Haha.
[01:20] IAMSpartacus117: But he was only charged with trespassing.
[01:20] call me krit: Yeah, but, still.
[01:20] call me krit: I was like, "WOAH! Hey, Mike."
[01:20] call me krit: Well, first I was like, "Where do I know that name?"
[01:20] call me krit: Duh.
[01:20] IAMSpartacus117: That's sad.
[01:20] IAMSpartacus117: He should have stayed with me.
[01:20] IAMSpartacus117: It's been nothing but trouble ever since we broke up.
[01:21] call me krit: So true.
[01:21] IAMSpartacus117: then again, we could look at it as, it's lucky I got out of the relationship, because he probably would have started getting into trouble anyway, and then I would have had to be the girlfriend of a maniac.
[01:22] IAMSpartacus117: Either way, it's sad. His record is piling up and I wouldn't wish that on him.
[01:22] call me krit: Yeah, it kind of stinks, but, it's him that makes the bad choices.
[01:22] call me krit: He could easily stay away from that crap.
[01:23] IAMSpartacus117: I don't think it's that easy.
[01:23] call me krit: Well, I know that he is friends with them, so it would probably involve losing friendships.
[01:23] IAMSpartacus117: I mean, I think it's a mixture of karma and issues with his personality that he's trying to work through. like authority issues.
[01:23] call me krit: But, idk.
[01:24] IAMSpartacus117: I mean, obviously, he could just STOP VANDALIZING SHIT. but, he's doing it for reasons that aren't that easy to just subtract from his personality.
[01:26] call me krit: :-\
[01:27] IAMSpartacus117: :(
[01:27] call me krit: It sucks.
[01:29] IAMSpartacus117: c'est la vie. your ex is gay. mine's a criminal. That's why they're exes.

Actually, I have like five criminal exes. Not to say that I think that they're criminals, but the court system does, at least.

Poor Mike.

And now Kristen's telling me she has a crush on me.

I only say it so blase cause she's always had a crush on me, but I've always felt like it doesn't mean that much to her. Like I feel pressured, but before I know it she's moved on.

Soo my campaign is going along good. Wait, that doesn't make sense, is it a campaign?

Well anyway. OWE. I really just hurt my clit.
Don't ask me how.

Yeah, I don't have a campaign. But I have a course of actions, you could say. And it's coming along nicely.

Garland IMed me yesterday. He said we should switch back the books. He's got two of mine and I've got two of his. It's been like nine or ten months. O.O

And Felix IMed me and said !!!!!!!. I guess because I haven't been on in a while. And I told him that I had specifically started going on MSN again to catch him so we could talk. So now we're talking again. It's awesome. Except he's really horny. And even more so because I'm legal now.

Shawn and I are still talking but he's a little bit slower in conversation. Not as comfortable, perhaps? I don't know.

So I added Frank on myspace. But he, thus far, does not remember me. Go figure. Epic but insignificant. In the long run, I never meant much to him. I can tell those types. Shawn and Felix always talked to me. Like, steady talking to me pretty much the whole time. Except when I was telling them to fuck off. But I mean, they didn't do the Dan thing where they come to say hello only when they're simultaneously telling me they love me. And then leave when they've done doing that. Frank does that. He blows in here and gets epic with me and then a few weeks later he's gone. And when I say gone, I mean gone. I think he blocks me. I know he gets a new sn often as well. Three that I know of, but he obviously doesn't tell me the others. So in any case, when he's gone, he's impossible to reach. Not that I recall ever trying, funny enough.

It's weird. I SERIOUSLY had two billion guys. An intimate relationship with all of them. I didn't really remember that they were like all at once. In a six month span, I must have told I love you to, and flirted and talked about sex with 5 or 6 people. And then shortly after all of those ended, I made out with the other Dave, starting dating Jason, and then fell in love with Mike - in the next three months.

I mean, I was close to Shannon the whole time. But she had Stogner and I was resentful, so I was glad to have tons of other people. And I was in love with Dave pretty much the whole time, but he often ignored me. So I had Shannon and then I began dating Dan at the beginning of tenth grade, but I was also cybering with Shawn around that time, partly while we were dating cause Dan was not being a good boyfriend at all. And I was talking to Shawn all night on the phone so I was really close to him.

But then I started talking to Frank again. He blew in here and decided he loved me. Which is kind of hard because him and Shawn are best friends. But then Frank realized he didn't love me. Partly because he read my lj and it showed how many people I lusted with. He had a point, to be offended. But it was unnecessary to call me a whore (as Shawn's sister had done, and Frank seemed to agree). As I told him, there's a difference between lust and action. I lusted after everyone, raging hormones. But I wouldn't have even had sex with any of them, if I could have. At least not most of them. I would have had to have been serious with only one of them and then maybe. And I obviously would not have had sex with all of them during the same period. I mean, I had sex with Mike cause we were dating seriously and I haven't had sex since we broke up because I haven't been dating anyone seriously again. It was definitely no different back then, because I hadn't lost my virginity yet. It seems like a lifetime ago, but it was only eight months before I lost my virginity.

So Frank stopped liking me after New Years. Dan was with someone else by that time and I had become sick of Shawn. And Felix, I don't quite remember. He was kind of in and out. I knew Felix before Shawn and Frank though. It was kind of funny though because Frank accused me of like cybering with everybody. And I said that I had only done it with three people. Which is true. But the two people I'd done it with were Felix and Shawn, both of Frank's best friends. So terrible. lol. But I got to know Shawn and Felix more than Frank cause as I said, he would just come and go like a tornado.

And then Dave started liking me in Feb or something. But that didn't get anywhere because he was simultaneously ashamed of me. He wanted to keep his feelings for me a secret. And then that died, quickly. And he started dating Erica, but he made her keep the relationship secret and I felt really bad for her, because it's a lame situation and I passed it up, but she didn't.

So that came and went. And Shannon and I had a fight and stopped being friends for good.

So then I started talking to Mike in Feb or April. And I made out with Dave and started dating Jason, but he was being stupid. And then by May, Mike and I realized we liked each other so he dumped his gf and tried to get me to dump Jason so we could date.

Anyway. Mike kind of settled my lust and emotions. I mean, I haven't been crazy about guys since. And definitely not while I was dating Mike. I had Dan and John at the same time but I kind of tried to avoid that. I started liking John while Dan and I weren't talking. And It's not my fault John is a stupidass, who can't make up his mind about me. Although, currently, he's made up his mind that he doesn't love me. Which is fine with me. ANYWAY. Kristen just IMed me...

This is nice. I feel good. Renewing past friendships. I got on MSN for the first time in ages and Serigo IMed me. And I was all telling myself "this is okay, no problem, he lives in Colombia, he's not threat." But then he said he was coming to NYC in July and would I come have a cup of coffee with him. Truth is, I don't know if it's worth the three hour drive to NYC for a cup of coffee, and aside from that, 18 yr olds can't drive in NYC, I think. Or maybe they can. I think you have to be 21. Aside from that, I really don't want to see him. He probed a lot. It made me very uncomfortable. Harry didn't, so I found him charming.

I was hoping Harry would be coming with him but it's for work.

And then, ironically, Monica came over. She's his aunt, the one I stayed with in Colombia. Sadly, she didn't bring Maria. :( Very sad. I miss her. But I hadn't seen Monica for three years. She was a bustle. But I like her. Very forthright with her personality. Doesn't stop to wonder if she's crossing any boundaries. Not that she's controversial. Just very warm and friendly. But it kind of made me bold too. Not much, but enough. Because the thing is, I'm usually shy because I don't know if I'M crossing boundaries, you know? You're hesitant because you want to anticipate how they'll take it. It's conscientious, but a huge hindrance. And since I already knew how she would take it by the way she was treating me, I didn't have to really worry. But she's pretty intense. Hard to explain, you'd just have to be there.

She brought Pablo, but we didn't have much to say. He totally looks like a Hispanic Tom Hanks. Not joking. It's weird cause I just found my Donkey Kong in the basement and that's what Pablo and I kept doing when I was in Colombia, playing Donkey Kong.

So then, Kayla IMed me on MSN too. I haven't talked to her for a year. She was my best friend in 7th grade. But we weren't friends in 8th grade and then I moved. It's interesting that she talks to me like we're best friends now. When I said that I might move out she said that I should move back to Utah. And she gave me her cell phone number. So I gave her mine. And she texted me a pic of herself.

Then today, I was so inspired by the conversations between Frank and I. They were epic. lol. And so sad too. Like lost lovers. He has SO much personality. It's awesome. I just couldn't resist, I had to try to contact him. It's not really serious, just touching. All love can seem epic when it's often not, no matter how big or small. I just miss his personality.

And I wanted to talk to Felix and Shawn again too. But Shawn seemed to be the only one who still has his name. So now I'm talking to him. Felix talked to me last year but we were fighting over something dumb. I found Frank online, but I haven't added him yet. I just want to get a taste of his personality. Like five seconds of him is a half an hour of talking to someone else. Shawn says he's in Germany for the summer, cause he has family there. Something Frank never told me. But I never told him I have family in Denmark so..

Anyway, I've been talking to Shawn for a couple hours. It's nice and friendly. I kind of feel good about it. I'm interested in talking to people who I used to talk to, now that my personality is different. I'm a bit more good natured and I'm trying to curb the annoyance. And it's kind of lame to make friends with all my old friends, I do want new friends. But I kind of feel like I made a statement with my old friends and lovers, you know? And it seems like a good idea to make it right with the old friends.

Like I'm rewriting my statements. It seems easiest. Shawn is taking to it well. Which is nice. I don't know how the others will take it. I could write the wrong with Garland, I suppose. Or Steve. Just as long as they still know I'm not going to make out with them...

Anyway, we'll see how it goes.

THIS IS WONDERFUL! It's raining like it used to!! It used to rain like MASSIVELY heavy for like five minutes and then stop. And I loved it. It was a little slow last year, as far as rain is concerned. But I think it's picking back up. I just wish the sun would come out. It's been freezing cold the past couple weeks. This is MAY, JEEZUS.

Awww.

[21:38] NinjoKo: well, i've noticed you around, melissa (i think?) and i was wondering...how can someone so hot as yourself...be so...isolated
[21:38] Spartikus117: my personality and looks cancel eachother out. like math. negative and positive...i just disappear into nothing.
[21:39] NinjoKo: nuh uh.
[21:39] Spartikus117: i don't even have to try to isolate myself...it just happens to work out quite nicely..

Frank was awesome... I think. Sometimes I only think that when I'm focusing on the best of times. But at the best of times he is awesome. Attractive and entertaining. Such a shame that we stopped talking. Although I never really got close to him and that's kind of sad. That's the problem with entertaining people, sometimes. They're good at putting on a show, you adore their company... but you kind of feel like the show that they're putting on is not personal to you, it's routine. Like you're the expendable audience. He was kind of weird. Like his preferences were off. Not wacky, just.. dumb, I guess. But still, he was very charming.

So, I'm about to pass out but I just had to tell yo uhow intense my book shelf is looking right now.

It seems I addressed this very same issue:

shawn says:
i know you are a very nice person i know this. but why some times are you so mean to me?

Chere Yeux Noirs, Restless Vinyl says:
i get aggitated very quickly..

shawn says:
but some times i can message u and only have said hi and you just retailiat with somethign cruel

Chere Yeux Noirs, Restless Vinyl says:
i get aggitated very quickly

shawn says:
so by me saying hi and tryin to be nice and friendly aggitates you?

Chere Yeux Noirs, Restless Vinyl says:
yes actually..

shawn says:
...

Chere Yeux Noirs, Restless Vinyl says:
it really does. ask my mom and dad and amelia...even when people knock on my door i want to rip their heads off..

Chere Yeux Noirs, Restless Vinyl says:
and when people IM i get really aggitated..

Chere Yeux Noirs, Restless Vinyl says:
dunno why


It's very true.

You know what I think? I was always irritated at people. Just like I am now. The only difference is, I was mega rude back then. I think it was kind of a power thing. It meant I didn't care, even though sometimes I did and it was a pleasure having them care - especially when I didn't.

Not that it was all a lie, I always have to remind myself that I am often truly annoyed. But the point is, I don't want to express the fact that I don't care about people anymore. It's pretty awful. So what has changed is not my annoyance. I was always annoyed at people. I've only become more conscientious and less emotionally attached. Now I no longer passionately hate anyone and therefore feel justified in ...ha, I'm beginning to sing the song I had just put at the top of the conversation I was reading:

"growl. its just one of those days when you don't wanna wake up. everythings fucked. everybody sucks. you don't really know why but you wanna justify ripping someones head off!"

I had those days a lot, apparently. Very girlie of Limp Bizkit. Very PMS. Not that I blame PMS in the least. I cannot recall a single time I've acknowledged PMS. Except the actual day I started my period for the very first time and I was, needless to say, grumpy. Who has a baby at age ten anyway? It's bs.

Anyway, it's kind of nice to know that my annoyance isn't a recent development. It really doesn't give me much hope though...

It's very dismissive though. Like, one day I adore you but the next I'm like fuck off. Like, how much people meant to me shifts easily. If you can do enough for me, I adore you. If you give me enough attention or make me feel satisfied, I like you. But things can change very easily and, at least for a lot of these guys online (it was Shawn this time), there wasn't much else after the situation lost its appeal. Kind of sad.

I hate the way I make myself sound cause it sounds really cliche and I like to think I'm anything but. Yet, that's how I find myself explaining the situation and my motives.

In Winnie The Pooh and the Blustery Day, Piglet's scarf unravels and he flies up into the air and Pooh holds on to the end of the string. And every time Piglet flies into the air Isis screams. Like OOOOOOH NOOOOOO! And it's funny, because she understands that it's an exciting, bad situation. You wouldn't think she'd understand that it's dangerous to be carried away by the wind.

And then Piglet goes "d-d-d-d-d-dear" and she tries to say it. And when we watch Blues Clues she tries to say "bow bow" after Blue says it. And I think she says "Blue" too. It's cute to see her interact with the TV. And she's learning to say a lot of words.

Food. Eat. -side (outside). Shower. Auntie. Na Na (both Night Night and Tijana, and possibly Tonya). Pooh (she used to say Boo). Elmo. Sky. Doggie. Kitty. Hi. Bye. Bah Bah (bottle). Key. Vroom Vroom. Baby. Grandma. Grandpa. Car. All gone. All done. Uncle. Dada. Mama or My Mama. Unh (Yes). Mo (No). -Those two are followed by nods and shakes of the head.

And she's beginning to say "a" in front of everything. A car. A key. A Pooh.

Plus she can say Eeee-wwwoooh (ew). And Uh Oh. Iyiyi. Tweet Tweet. Owe. And she sings "Ahhhh" along with John Denver's Eagle and the Hawk.

Lol. Tigger just pulled at his cheeks and stretched out his face when he said "rubber" in his song and Isis pulled at her cheeks too. I think she can say Bee too.

I'm really sad that Loren is gone. And he forgot to give me the $30 left over from my birthday money. I was going to get a haircut! I hope he doesn't come back broke. :p

He comes back in August. My parents are putting the house on the market in August. And then moving to Virginia. And I guess I'll stay in NY, get an apartment with Amelia and Isis or something.

Loren still hasn't told everybody that he's going to Europe. He's like, at the airport right now and he still hasn't told Colin and Tristan and Stephanie and his dad. Stephanie knew that he planned to go but he probably hasn't told her that he's on his way.

I guess they're unsupportive or something. He doesn't want to deal with their negative energy. I wish I could do that. Save up money and go traveling behind someone's back and then be like BAM, I JUST CAME BACK FROM ENGLAND, SCOTLAND, GERMANY, FRANCE, ITALY, SPAIN, PORTUGAL, SWEDEN!!!!! What now? And they'll be like, I don't believe you. And I'll be like, lucky I bought a camera that holds like 30,000 pictures. Wanna see?

Yeah. I would tell the secret way before I'd even saved up the money. Oh well.

I didn't really tell everybody about my book. Probably for the same reason he didn't tell people. It's like, oh, you're going to travel huh? Well, good luck with the dream... as if you're going to achieve it. They probably couldn't picture Loren achieving it and it's the same with me, because I'm so young, it's hard to imagine me finishing a book. But I've just got two names for you... Eragon and Amelia. The kid who wrote Eragon, Christopher Pasomething was like 18. And those are good books. And then Amelia Atwater-Rhodes wrote like three books by the time she was 17, the first when she was like 14.

Yeah. And theirs was fiction. I don't know if I could do a novel, but I know I can talk about myself - I already have like 3,000 journal entries.

It's funny though. I told my psychology teacher because he told me I was special and had a good insight into psychological matters. He doesn't like the idea of self-analyzation, introspection. But he's a loser then, because that's the most valuable insight into the psyche. So I told him about my book.

And then when my philosophy teacher pulled me aside, I told him about my book, because my book is a lot about the themes that run through Eastern Philosophy - although it doesn't have a drop of Western Philosophy because those guys are complete losers.

And then I told my Creative Writing teacher because she had us do a journal entry that began with "I used to believe..." and I said that I used to believe that my input as a teenager would all be negated and made irrelevant by the years to proceed. And maybe that's still true, things will change. But I don't think it matters as much. It's a process. And all the steps are important, including the ones that I go through while I'm a teenager. I now find them very valuable. So I told her about my book.

And I told my English class. She asked us to go around the room and say something that we'd written and liked and I said my unfinished book, which is mostly a composite of journal entries so far.

I guess I didn't really keep the secret. lol. But I couldn't wait until I was done writing it because it's already been a couple years since I decided to do it. I'm getting impatient. lol. I can't wait to be able to say that it's done. Even though, the people I know do not seem like the right kind of audience. But it would be nice if they were. It's a spiritual progression type of a book but whatever.

I think that's the hard part. I tell people it's a memoir, but it's not about my life on the shallow level. It's about my psyche and my beliefs and about my own spiritual progress and my perspective of the world and life. It's my analysis and my understanding and my growth and my coping with the world as I see it.

Anyway, I finally told the one professor I talked to the most, Longley. And she was kind of shocked. Which is funny. Because, I've had her for two consecutive semesters and I've talked to her privately a lot during this one. And I've never mentioned it and I'm sure she wondered if I'd been planning this for a long time or if I'd just thought of it. So I kind of had the effect I was hoping for. :)

Too many people want a free copy of my book though. And they have got to understand the the whole point of publishing a book is not so you can hand out a dozen copies for free, okay? The whole point is to make money by selling them!

So I've got to get some perspective on who I used to be because it was a serious mess. And part of it was real, but part of it was precipitated by the situation I was in. I was just screaming for attention. Shannon put me in this spot where she offered me her love and then took it away and I had to beg for it from that point on. So I was resentful of that, but needy because of it. And I 1. tried to prove that I was okay, that I was good enough for her or better than her. And 2, I tried to develop a personality that she could be envious of or that she would want. As well as, I developed this need to always beg for people's attentions.

I had to always beg for Dave's attention, and Shannon's attention and Dan's attention. Because all three would frequently give me love but then abandon me and I loved all of them, obviously more obsessively than they loved me. None of them seemed to need me.

I had to be big and obnoxious. It started with the journal entries, because when Shannon was distant, I knew that I could say things to my journal pretending like it had nothing to do with her when it had everything to do with her. What I mean is, everything I said was to get a reaction out of her. To make her jealous or to make her want me or to punish her. Everything. And I could pretend that I hadn't intended to do anything because I was only writing a journal entry, not talking directly to her. If she reacted, she reacted. If she didn't, I had nothing to lose. And that's how my journal entries began and that's why it took me so damn long to kick the habit of speaking to her, while writing my journal entries. Because it had never been anything but subliminally speaking to her to impress or punish her.

And always trying to get a reaction. It's not that I wasn't needy before, because I was, although at this point, I can't remember cause I wasn't reading conversations from before Shannon. I copied and pasted the ones around the time of Shannon in my lj, so without Shannon I had no lj, therefore, I didn't paste any conversations from before her there to read. Although I did save lots of old ones, they're somewhere on backup CDs.

In any case, it wasn't that she made me who I am. It was that she brought out this response in an extreme way. Dave was always saying he liked me for a week and then changing his mind for another year and I was obsessed with him so I wanted his attention. I had to be big to get it. I had to be bold and pretend I wasn't hurt and pretend I wasn't needy. So I ended up just showing way too much personality. Like I had to say what I wanted to say without being asked, because that was the point, I was feeling rejected so I had to pretend that nothing bothered me. But just being passive and neutral wasn't going to get any attention and since I was bothered, it overwhelmed me to just sit there and do nothing. So I HAD to be big and bold to get a reaction out of him.

I kind of created someone I didn't really mean to be. It's not that what I felt or said wasn't really what I said or felt. But the proportions and the exaggerations and the concentrations were unhealthy and definitely connected with the people I cared about.

I remember some of the first messages I sent to Shannon. And I liked that I could describe the emotional feelings I had, mostly lust. And I didn't lose that for a long time.

I had this false belief that emotions are superior. Like nature, speaking on my behalf. Like I naturally feel the way I feel. But that's not what emotions are. And they're not justified by nature. Nor are they superior. They aren't the most superior representation of who you are and how you feel. I guess because they're attached to your beliefs... and the emotions motivate you based on those beliefs, they fuel it. So you feel that any emotion that is doing the work, like a soldier, for a superior kingdom, must be justified. No matter how crazy, no matter what lengths it goes to to reach the kingdom's goal.

I say how I feel and what I want and when I'm angry and when I'm sad and I say it like it automatically means that I should get whatever appeases my emotions. That people should cater to my emotions and give me what I please.

Who was I? I wasn't really that crazy. I was, of course, needy. Because I didn't feel that I had any self-worth. I'm still, now, working on self-worth. I was messed up because I tried to fit into Shannon's psychotic world. Being her friend became my lifestyle, she was one of the closest people to me. But everything I learned from being her friend was a bad habit. Everything I did to punish her, all that made me resent her, everything I did to make her want me was extremely misguided and that became my habit.

I, in short, reacted very emotionally to everything that anybody said. Defensive, angry, pouty, scared, rude, quick to judge another's intentions. It's different from who I am now, of course, but it was real at the time. I just can't help but feel that it was Purposely exaggerated. Like I felt that I was supposed to be extremely emotional, so that's what I focused on.

And then Mike was the catalyst. And that's slightly ironic for an astrologist because he and Shannon have the exact same birthday. July 23 1989. Weird that he pulled me away from who I had been with Shannon.

I've analyzed it a thousand times. What I was missing was self-worth. And that's what our relationship gave me. Stability. I didn't have to beg to be who I was. I didn't have to beg people to care about me or give me attention. Mike just solidly loved me, solidly paid attention to me. He was in my life. None of that Dan bullshit with asking me out and then ignoring me for like two weeks straight. Mike was there by my side faithfully. And the stability calmed my emotions. I didn't have to fight to share myself with someone anymore. And, of course, Shannon was out of my life even though I still hated her passionately.

And I learned a lot from Mike. Probably cause I saw ourselves as twin flames. I learned about the ego while dating Mike. I saw it in him. I saw it in the way we interacted with each other. It's like, I was too damn busy analyzing my crazy emotions, running around in daft circles, trying to impress whoever, trying to earn whatever. But being with Mike calmed my anxieties completely and I was just filled with love. I never loved Shannon. Always hated her. Didn't trust her, couldn't be myself around her. Didn't feel worth enough to her. It was a dark relationship. Nothing about it from the day I came back to NY was beneficial to me. And I have a lot of capabilities to see the positive side of something bad. I just can't see how my association with her helped me develop positively at all. The only thing it gave me was livejournal and lesbian sex.

In any case, Mike's relationship was completely opposite. Full of bliss. Never hurt by him or insecure. I never begged. He seemed to give me so much acceptance, where I had previously been jerked around over and over again. And him accepting me taught me what it felt like to accept myself, and when I could accept myself, I developed more naturally and beneficially than I had previously. I wasn't trying to be anything. I wasn't full of hate or resentment or fear.

I mean, I can remember so many fights. But I remember loving him. Whenever I fight with people I get really hostile. I feel, when I fight with people, that I'm their enemy. Therefore, I need them to be mine. I fear that they'll make me their enemy, therefore I make them my enemy first. All the fights with my family have made it so that it is very hard to say I love you to them. It's just a huge rift.

But I would fight with Mike, lots of times just head butting, LAME ego bickering. But I also stood up to his ego. In a sort of moralistic way. I developed a way to understand situations based on more objective morals than my insane emotional reasoning. Of course, it wasn't completely so. But it was a lot more developed than it had been previously. I kind of was like that before Shannon anyway. With Daniela and Jenny. When I was 11, I was the one to lecture and try to help people and push them to make the right decisions when they were running around in futile circles.

I tried to do that with Shannon, and I guess I was just way too attached because I liked her as more than a friend. Not that I didn't like Mike as more than a friend, of course. But that's just it. Loving someone and being rejected fucks you up way more than loving someone and being accepted. We've all seen how children who grow up trying to earn their parents love are.

I don't understand what I did to deserve Mike. I don't see any progress I made except to separate myself from Shannon. It doesn't seem like a logical next step - from Shannon to Mike. But whatever it was that brought him into my life it truly was a catalyst.

But in any case, as I was saying about the fighting... I started challenging his ego. And it wasn't always with my ego. I started to understand the ego that I'd always had and the ego that showed in him. And the nonsensical contributions it makes. And I knew that I wasn't fighting him, nor was I fighting through my own emotional body. I no longer feared or hated. My ego got frustrated when we would bicker, but it wasn't personal. It didn't make me hate him. That one time when we got in the huge fight over Uno. He doesn't like to lose. And everybody else lets him be a baby and get his way and I stood up to him like a two year old throwing temper tantrums, and just said, enough, this isn't right - in different words. But then in the car, when he was obviously mad at me, I wrote I love you on my hand to show him and we had a hand conversation. I didn't apologize for what I felt about the situation but I mended the bond. I didn't resent him for his side in the fighting. I knew that I could put myself out there and love him and forgive him and it wouldn't get thrown back in my face.

I did kind of feel that he was a child and that even when he said "I hate you mommy" it was only because of his ego and it wasn't how he really felt. I felt that we simply had a stable connected foundation, not susceptible to any destruction, unconquerable. And for the summer it proved to be. But I realize the importance of breaking up with him. He truly did give me, for a few months, a safe haven to love myself. But, of course, I had a lot of anger and hatred for everyone else. Like his acceptance made me feel worthy, more than any other person ever has, family, friends or lovers. But I still hadn't developed it independently. And part of the biggest lesson was to have his love for me turn, to have the one person who gave me a safe haven begin to hate me. To still feel worth despite that. And it was a pretty rocky year but it was a good year. A year spent in a new direction that I'd never been in before.

So anyway, I started this earlier when I'd been reading conversations and I had to find an explanation for the extreme behaviors I exhibited constantly. But then I got interrupted and like eight hours later - now - I've finished the entry just to finish it. I remember the bad extremes but I've also remembered the good aspects that I had. I was definitely often misguided by my emotions, but many of the qualities I had then, I obviously still have now. Just aimed in a better direction than they ever were when I was attached to Shannon.

So anyway, yeah, that's how I began the last paragraph. Amelia is in Florida now so I have to babysit Isis for the next 7 or 8 full days. I get nights off but I have to get enough sleep so that I can wake up at 7 in the morning and play with her all damn morning. The mornings are what kill me. And I'll have no help from Loren in the afternoon. Cause he leaves Tuesday and he'll be gone all tomorrow at a waterfall.

I love waterfalls.

[15:46] IAMSpartacus117: I suck.
[15:47] call me krit: Why?
[15:47] IAMSpartacus117: Cause I'm really black and white. Like either I really like someone and I probably want to date them or have sex with them or I don't like them at all.
[15:48] IAMSpartacus117: Like I don't have very many friends who I hang out with and I'm kind of neutral about. It's like I like you or I don't, end of story.
[15:48] IAMSpartacus117: So if I don't like people very much... I don't want to have anything to do with them. even if they aren't horrible. I just want to avoid them.
[15:48] call me krit: Well, what happened?
[15:48] IAMSpartacus117: What happened to cause that?
[15:49] call me krit: Yes.
[15:50] IAMSpartacus117: well.. Mike.
[15:50] IAMSpartacus117: "he made me who I am today" haha. I hate that saying.
[15:50] call me krit: Ha.
[15:51] IAMSpartacus117: I think cause I liked him so perfectly. All his flaws were irrelevant. I just loved and loved and loved him. Even though we fought all the time.. lol but it didn't bother me. I just had so much compassion for him.
[15:53] IAMSpartacus117: And all of the people I put up with before or while I was dating him, became so irritating after he was gone. because, well, they were irrelevant. They always were irrelevant, but I kept them around anyway. I didn't care about them very much and I was often annoyed by them. When I was dealing with the breakup I just couldn't handle them, I couldn't handle any further stress, everything was a trigger and I just wanted to make the statement that Mike was the most important person in my life.
[15:53] IAMSpartacus117: You know, that I didn't want or need or care about anyone but him.
[15:54] IAMSpartacus117: And I've never lost that mindset. I still either have to really really like someone or I can't stand to be around them. Having something really great with Mike kind of proved to me that I didn't need to waste my time with people who didn't meant that much to me.
[15:54] IAMSpartacus117: But now, almost nobody means anything to me.
[15:54] IAMSpartacus117: And people try to be my friend but if I don't love them or like them a lot, I can't stand them..
[15:55] call me krit: Dang. That's deep, lol.
[15:55] IAMSpartacus117: I've become extremely antisocial.
[15:57] IAMSpartacus117: And it ticks me off when people like me, because even if I don't hate them, just being what used to be nuetral or semi-friendly causes me to now reject everything about them. if you get what I'm saying.
[15:57] call me krit: Yeah.
[15:58] IAMSpartacus117: I've been so cruel to people over the years. No wonder I don't have any friends. But that's the thing, I can't really complain. Cause although I want friends. I want friends that I REALLY LIKE. Not friends that I'm just okay with.
[15:58] IAMSpartacus117: And it seems like all the people I really like are completely ironically out of my reach one way or another.
[15:59] call me krit: :-\
[15:59] IAMSpartacus117: Yeah. It's all twisted.
[16:00] call me krit: I see that.


So I came to those itty bitty conclusions about the matter. And then I was thinking about how I'm self-centered when I talk to people. Not in a horrible way, I just often talk about myself. But I also realized that people don't often talk about themselves. It's not that I don't allow them to. It's just that they don't confide in me. I don't know why. And I was thinking, this is a problem, I like to connect with people very directly and they don't like to connect with me.

But then I turned it all around very suddenly! I don't like connecting with people! That is the black and white. That is the difference. That's what makes me neutrally sort of dislike someone to the point where I get so aggravated that I hate them. They're not horrible people but they irritate the fuck out of me. Why? Because they try to connect with me.

I try and I try to connect with people like Kristen or James - people that don't try to connect back. I'm attracting people who won't connect with me and denying those who will. Steve tried to connect with me. He talked for hours with me before he tried to kiss me. lol. And he was a good conversationalist. I liked what he had to say, but I refused to connect with him. And it was invasive to have him try to connect with me, it made me uncomfortable. And it was the same with Garland. He always talked to me and he wanted to talk about philosophy and get to the root of the thing, and he really felt he could do it with me but I completely rejected the connection. It felt extremely invasive. And it irritated me.

As soon as I broke up with Mike, Andrew was there, trying to connect with me. Trying to spend time with me and establish a relationship. I rejected him. And guess what? I'm actually attracted to him now. But he'll have nothing to do with me. HE WON'T CONNECT WITH ME, and now I like him. I felt completely uncomfortable with Serigo, because he wanted to connect with me.

There are some exceptions. I mean, lol, I was comfortable with Carlos. But guess what, he couldn't speak English and I couldn't speak Spanish. No joke. We hung out tons and I really liked him - But it was literally impossible to establish a connection because we simply couldn't communicate!!!

And I liked Harry. I liked his stories, but he wasn't really interested in me cause his cousin was making out with me. I liked Tim but he's not interested in me. I've been trying to establish a connection with James since before Mike and I broke up but he has always avoided it. It probably feels invasive to him!

This is the missing piece. This is why I'm not connecting. I know, I've been wondering why I couldn't connect with people. I stupidly thought that I wanted to connect with people. But I only thought I did. I've rejected every connection. Even Kristen makes me feel uncomfortable when she flirts with me or wants to kiss me. But then when she doesn't want to kiss me, I feel like kissing her!

John and Dan are different stories. I mean, in some ways it's the same issue. But Dan is an exception because I love him as much as I loved Mike. So in that sense, I want to connect with him intimately. Part of it is that I've known and loved him before Mike, so it was just a return of the old connection instead of a new connection entirely. But at the same time, there has been a loss of connection because of the states between us and I'm in no hurry to change that because being that close would probably make me feel extremely uncomfortable. I do push him away when he mentions marriage.

With John, well, I liked him. I felt comfortable with him so I began to connect with him. I wasn't sure where it would go because he had Lyla and when he came over I was very, very afraid to date him but I talked myself into it. And I was ready to make myself do it, to ignore my fear because I knew that I liked connecting to him. But before I could, he went back to Lyla.

I don't really want to connect with him anymore. He's not who I thought he was. But I still allow his advances because I crossed a line, and I'm no longer afraid to physically connect with him and he's all I have in that area. I'm too afraid to physically connect with anyone else. So I take him when I can get him. And it's a nice comfortable feeling until it gets ripped away from me and suddenly I'm off his myspace and he can't ever talk to me again because Lyla won't let him.

I wonder how many people are afraid to connect with me. I mean, Dan has always been off and on, and he doesn't want to dedicate himself to one girl, or at least he didn't. Kristen throws herself at people, not to be mean, but she doesn't really mean it. She dated Kyle for like two years but she didn't establish a deep connection with him that entire time. John is definitely afraid to establish a connection with me. Every time we get near to it and it's going along great he runs away. Even though he keeps coming back, he inevitably runs away again. James has the same problem I do. He had his first love and he lost his virginity and they dated and it's been off and on but he just can't get over her. I would imagine that the "love" is lost. That he's not so much in love with her as he's just attached to her because he's too afraid to start anew, to start making a connection with anybody else. Just like I am with Mike. So damn connected and now that he's gone I just don't know how to start it over again with someone new.

Part of positive aspect about growing up is that you gain the power to self-reflect. To think about what you need to do in a situation. To process within your thoughts what you need to learn and how you need to do it. It's a beautiful thing. But part of the negative aspect is that we gain self-doubt and fear. And it hinders us in ways that we didn't have as a child. Things were so easy when you didn't try. Things just happened and you never thought about it, never reflected on it.

It's the same exact thing that I'm going through with the winter. I didn't pay attention at all a few years ago. I never went into my backyard. I never paid attention to the grass or the trees. Everything was a blur. I was too busy obsessing over Dave, I guess. I stayed locked up in my room talking online to people like Frank and Cory and Felix.

But now I pay attention. I see when the leaves begin to fall. I see every day of the agonizing winter. I process it. I acknowledge it. And it takes forever to end. And when April comes, things still haven't changed. In my memory, spring came by in a flash and it was lovely. But things don't happen in a flash. It takes weeks and weeks for the trees to become green. Some are only now, half way through May getting green. And things have happened to the grass in certain areas. In three spots the grass is dead because of mud or rain or something suffocating it. It's hard to reflect on things.

And it's the same way with friends. When I was younger, everything just happened. I never sat and wondered how to make friends. It just happened. I just made connections in a flash and I was flirting and talking with everyone. But dating Mike made me immensely self-reflective. I took control, I took the reins out of my subconscious' hands. Not completely. But obviously with friends. I no longer went with the flow. And now that I'm in control, I realize that I can no longer wait for things to happen. I have to consciously make things happen. But now I've got self-doubt. Not that I've analyzed myself I've found things to fear, reasons to be anxious. And now I'm keeping myself from making things happen. And it's agonizing.

It's agonizing trying to balance responsibility with fear. I'm in control, but I can't make any decisions because I'm too afraid. It's like when you watch someone play a video game and you're enjoying it, but then you get the idea that you want to try it. Except you suck. You refuse to give the control back to someone else, but you suck at it so you never get anywhere. You want to see the game progress, but it can't. I don't know that it's possible to give the reins back to my subconscious. But I'm not getting anywhere by being in control. I have to work through this fear that's hindering me from fulfilling the responsibilities that I have.

[02:05] horsepower187: And if ever your 18 and single look me up

Haha. That was two years ago. But you know what? I am 18 and single, and I'm really not going to look him up.

Well last night was nice, emotionally. Amelia was bitching about my driving. She thinks I'm the worst driver in the world. And sometimes, I defend myself and I consider the idea that I'm not a great driver. But, you know what? I am a good driver. I'm conscientious, safe, in control, watchful. I'm not slow, I'll tell you that. But I'm not rash either. I deliberate. And when I know what I can do is safe, I do it. Yes, we all have our flaws. And we all make mistakes. But I've seen other drivers, I've seen my parents drive and I've seen my friends and family drive. And I'm a good driver. But Amelia won't admit it. She refuses to. I won't get into why. It's just that, when she was bitching, I started bitching back. But it wasn't angry and it wasn't defensive. Because you defend yourself when you fear that if someone else believes it to be true, there's a chance it is true. If you know that there isn't a chance, you don't fear that it will be true. And I don't fear that it's true I'm a bad driver.

So I raised my voice and I firmly said that I was not going to entertain her criticisms, because I am a good driver, end of story. She wouldn't listen so I had to say it in various ways. I told her that she was not criticizing me because she wanted me to become a better driver, she wants me to be a bad driver, then she can point it out to me.

Two things help aid it. One, I talk about my driving and my decisions. I am a process person. Decisions are processes and I don't like asking blank questions *the beginning of the process* and sharing empty conclusions *the end of the process*. I like to share my logic and reasoning. It's just my thing. Have you not seen a single journal entry? I'm doing it now ABOUT how I share my logic and reasoning. I always share my thought processes. And when I drive, I talk to myself, I talk to the drivers and I talk to other people. I talk about what's currently happening. It makes Amelia uncomfortable because even though everyone else does it (granted, in their head) - apparently if I do it out loud it means that I'm an insecure driver and I don't know what I'm doing. But that's not true.

The second thing is that when I drive with her, we're always going places I don't know. And the truth is, I don't like to be in awkward situations where I have to make rash decisions. I like to know what I'm doing before I enter into it. So I ask Amelia questions way before hand. I ask her questions about where we're going that will help me prepare for it when it's to come. Because I don't have good driving instincts. I haven't had my license for more than a year. I'm not familiar with everything. Amelia is. So I ask her, and she tells me. But Loren pointed out last night that because I have to rely on her, she begins to think that I'm incompetent and she just goes with it, she carries it through until I am completely incompetent and she has to tell me about every red light, every green light, every stop sign, everything.

Bottom line is, my timing is different than hers. Not worse, not better. Different. And she feels that my timing should be her timing. That her timing is superior and if I don't do it her way I AM a horrible, dangerous and illegal driver. I'm not kidding. She called me all of those things emphatically.

Twice we pointed out good things I'd done. And she seems to feel that these are an anomaly. That these don't happen, but every once in a while. There was a red light up ahead, I started slowing down, but I was hoping that it would turn green once I got there, there were no cars in front of me, so I was still moving by the time I got there, although not fast, and it did turn green as soon as I got there. But Loren didn't know what I was doing so he told me "red light" and then Amelia said that I had seen it, because she felt that I had slowed down. Yeah. I can see red and green lights. When I talk, I do lose my focus. I have always admitted that. But I don't have an incapability. And I do excellent without her, so I don't see why she thinks that I need her.

The second time, she had told me to do something and she had to tell me three times before I listened. I can't remember what it was. She thinks that she HAS to tell me three times, but I told her that the honest truth is that the more she talks, the less I focus on the road. It's like, she points something out and I begin to look around to analyze what it is that she's talking about but before I can she says it again so I'm pulled back to attention to her words and then she's done it a third time and I again am pulled to pay attention to her words. It doesn't help to have everybody yelling at you to do something over and over again, because words and actions are two different processes. Their words, don't automatically make my actions do the right thing, they only take away my focus from doing the right thing. In any case, it wasn't a big deal. But a few minutes later I started pulling into the mall and she said there was a do not enter sign. Because it had been that way, you could enter and then the next entrance was do not enter, and then you could enter on the next one. So I started entering and she told me there was a do not enter sign and I pushed on my breaks immediately and started turning out and she told me that she was just kidding.

Which was stupid of her, and she's promised never to kid again because how can I trust her if I'm trying to decipher if she's kidding or not, I need to be able to trust her when she gives me advice like that. But she feels like my fast reflexes in that situation were an anomaly. But they're not. Yes, part of it is that I don't just obey orders. I deliberate. I have to understand what's happening before I listen blindly to her orders. She says turn, and I have to understand what turn means. Because frankly, turning on a main road and turning into a driveway are two different things. And there are often parking lots or driveways before a major turn, so when she says TURN that still needs understanding in order to do it the right way. So I have to know what she means before I can follow orders. And that makes me a better driver. Because I don't just make rash decisions blindly. Even if I've already begun on a wrong move, I don't make rash decisions to get out of it. Like if I'm at the toll booth and I have an EZpass but I'm not in that lane so I have to wait for cars to pay their tolls. I don't just jerk into the other lanes. I just stick with what I have. When I'm straying towards the white line, I don't freak out and pull back, I just drift back to the middle.

The most important thing is not WHAT I'm doing right. It's how my control and confidence is. Because a good driver knows that she/he is in control. It doesn't matter what they're doing, as long as they are in control. Amelia needs to have faith in me. Yes, I'm a new driver. But I'm not incompetent. I can, at least, see the damn green lights. And if I slow down when there's a green light, which I have been known to do while I'm chatting away, which I do when Amelia is in the car, it's not the worst thing in the world. It's better that I slow down at green lights rather than speed up at red lights. But when I'm careful and cautious, it's unnecessary. And all the other times I'm incompetent and rash, apparently. She blows everything out of proportion.

And if I had to analyze why, I would say that it's about the emotions. She doesn't feel comfortable discerning when and when I can't rely on her. Meaning, if I rely on her for directions, she thinks I have to rely on her for everything. And she either wants to tell me everything or tell me nothing. But it doesn't work that way and it won't work that way. If I don't know where I'm going, I'm not going to wing it if I don't have to. And she needs to understand that MY QUESTIONS are when I need her advice. And if I have no questions, that means I don't need her advice.

She also has to have faith in me. She complained that there was a car behind me in the left lane on the thruway and I wouldn't merge so he could pass me. Well, believe me, I pay attention to those cars. But, of course, it was raining and my windows and mirrors were foggy and I didn't think that the car was that close to me. It was the only miscalculation of left/right lane merging that I've had thus far driving on the thruway. I am an obsessively conscientious driver, which Amelia knows and dislikes. I'm either too conscientious or not conscientious enough. But she actually told me that she fears for her life because of that miscalculation. Okay? He may have been slightly annoyed but it wasn't a danger to our lives and I don't think it would strictly speaking be considered illegal. But she does.

She freaks out about everything, she responds emotionally to everything. If I park to close to the train while it's passing by she freaks out and thinks we're going to get killed. I'm not going to babysit her irrational fears. I'm not a fearless idiot. I'm cautious but not a slave to my fears. And I'm certainly not going to be a slave to her fears.

In any case, the point is, she reacts to the extreme because she isn't comfortable with the reality. She overreacts because she doesn't like the way things are. I can see how she doesn't like it and even how it can be uncomfortable, but the reality is reality and I'm not going to babysit her, nor am I going to put up with her lame coping mechanisms.

I came home and even though I had just been yelling for 5 minutes straight, I came inside calm as anything, thanked Tijana for bringing in my stuff, told my dad about how beautiful Kaaterskill had been and I couldn't feel any anger, any fear, any emotion. I was calm as anything. The situation had not screwed up my emotions. Usually I'm a mess. Anger and fear, very common. But not a drop of it. I was completely at peace.

So... I was worried James wouldn't write me back. But he did, he answered me how Worrick died and it was a nice little paragraph. Although I then answered back and he read it but didn't reply this morning. So I guess our conversation is at an end but I appreciate that he answered me back anyway. He didn't leave me hanging. He usually ignores my questions. Me saying "aw that's sad" doesn't really warrant a response except "yeah" or something. And I sent Mike a comment the other day saying that I missed Shanghai Rummy, cause we used to play with his family. And he didn't answer, even though I know he was on. But he answered last night and I was feeling kind of rejected from him not answering. It's annoying when you try to communicate with people and they don't respond. It's like the most efficient resort. And people don't usually use it anyway. They usually try to get something across without being blunt and open and honest. They try to manipulate it or hint at it or force you to understand or do it without being open. So when you openly and honestly communicate, the most efficient, direct way of connecting with someone. And it doesn't work... it really brings you a sense of hopelessness.

It wasn't that important to have Mike respond, but it was relevant because it reflected how I feel alone and irrelevant and ignored by people. So I was happy to have them both respond and Kristen was talking to me on aim and I love talking to people that I love talking to on aim. It felt nice to be watching a movie and have someone at hand on the computer, even though Loren was in the room. I just miss multitasking like that. James and Mike have no reason to talk to me now that our short conversations are at an end but as I said, I'm not dependent, just frustrated at the futility. I don't need much, but when I try to get something I want to be able to get it. And that's, of course, a bit of a problem because I play by my rules and not other people's rules, not that I've ever ignored Kristen, James or Mike. I have always participated with them, hung out with them when they wanted, talk to them when they wanted, given them attention when they wanted.

But there are lots of other people that I've ignored because I don't care about them and I don't want to hurt them but I can't lie to them and be something I'm not. So in that sense, the people who ignore me should be able to have the same attitude. And if I'm irrelevant to them, it's only fair since people are irrelevant to me.

But for the time being, I just need a little attention.

Speaking of which, I had a dream last night about a guy who liked me. We were hanging out, doing a puzzle or something. He was traditionally Amelia's friend and when I began liking him I was worried that they were involved but then I remembered that she's dating Chris and this was not Chris, so it didn't matter if we became involved. He liked me too. It just kind of felt nice, to hang out and develop a connection with someone. Even when you have someone who has liked you for years and years, the reassurance gets kind of stale. Because they're only continuing to like you. It's nice to have that novel feeling, that someone is just beginning to have feelings for you. It's fresh and exciting.

But, by the end of the dream, the guy had been killed by Nazis or something. Yeah, I don't know. I have no idea how it advanced to that point. Nazis will kill anyone for any reason so maybe it wasn't fully logical. Anyway, that wasn't the best end to a story with me. Maybe it was a past life. Maybe it was some insight into why I have no magnetism towards people, why I don't want lovers. Maybe I've had one before and he was shot because he was involved with me. :( Who knows.

In any case, I'm not needy. I don't need a lot of people at my doorstep fawning over me just so I won't feel lonely. And the attention and the emotional peace that I felt last night was soothing. I wasn't excited to hear from James, which is good because then when I don't hear from him I won't be be very disappointed. I was just happy. I just want it to be a normal occurrence. Something that I can rely on, attention, company. Not much, just enough so I don't sink into despair because I'm so hopelessly alone.

It just felt like I was being punished. I was so ridiculously alone. Especially in comparison with the past few years.

What am I going to do with my sad little life?

I should say, my sad little relations. Not my family.

What am I going to do with my sad lack of relations? That's what I should say.

It's sad. :(

I'm just going through old conversations I had put in lj. I really don't want to read any of them, but I'm going to read all of them... partly for significance, partly in avoidance because it's more rewarding to organize than to work. and if there was a third part, I've forgotten it.

I read a couple from Dave. What can I say about him? He's fickle. His personality is fickle. Everything he likes, including me - at the time, and all of his decisions were switched around like a game of twister.

But, I can see things more clearly now. I have less of an emotional reaction to the things I don't like, and I can see positive things that I probably ignored before. Same with my brother Colin. I can still see what pissed me off originally and why, and how it makes sense. But I no longer respond emotionally.

Two things I was that make me flinch - emotional and blunt. I didn't have an appropriate regulation, really. I don't now, either. I still react with the way I feel, it's just not as hysterical - to exaggerate for better affect. I'm just not that emotionally out of wack.

I guess I'm not as bold anymore cause I'm less show-offy. It's not that I was showing off that I was bold. I just thought that the bold things I said reflected on me in some way.

I just, as usual, miss the attention. But I guess what I miss most is enjoying the attention. How much attention have I really enjoyed since Mike and I broke up? Not a lot. The days of high school crushes (on me) are over. And most attention makes me uncomfortable.

And all the guys I've had a crush on haven't liked me. It's been absurd. I'm so tired of liking guys cause I just know that my non-efforted efforts will merely exhaust me.

All the people I want attention from ignore me. Actually, all the people that used to give me attention ignore me too, now that they've gotten the idea that it's unwanted. But I'm not complaining, really.

Dan has stayed constant. John hasn't really given me affectionate attention. Just sexual attention. Not that I'm fully complaining about that either. But it's on and off, of course. And he's messed up.

What I'm really complaining about is the instability. This feeling that has become an extreme habit. It's been hanging over me for too long. Go away now.

I keep trying to understand how things look on the other side of me. Or even better, what I'm attracting or projecting. I keep trying to understand what they're going through. But I'm not doing it simply to be enlightened, I'm doing it to make changes. To work with people who are working with me. To adjust my wants and wishes and needs so that they're in harmony and I don't have to be dissatisfied with whatever I'm causing for myself. But whatever I figure out is lacking because nothing has changed for a long time now and I'm just frustrated, as usual.

I miss James. He sent me a message today. Talked to me for the first time since the beginning of October. He told me that Worrick from CSI had died. He really likes CSI and we used to hang out and watch it together, so I guess he figured I'd understand.

But I don't know if that's the end of his communication. I don't understand what makes him talk to me or not talk to me or like me or dislike me. Yeah, when I approve of guys as friends, I usually take it a step further and approve of them as boyfriends, that's just how it is. But, I like being James's friend. I'm not asking him to be my boyfriend. I'm not asking for much.

I'm really only asking for what we had before. It was amazing, having a steady friendship with him. Just him and me. Driving, hanging out, watching tv shows, spending the night, talking online. It was amazing. I like his company. I hate being devoid of it.

I hate that I'm not allowed to understand why he abandons me.

I guess I miss connecting with people. I connected with so many people before Mike and then Mike was the climax of connections. And then we broke up and I haven't been able to sufficiently connect with anyone since. Dan is too far away and John doesn't really care about me and well, as I said, only the guys who I don't like like me, and the guys I do like don't like me.

This is insane, I feel so estranged. It's so underrated to say that I'm alone. I'm so fucking disconnected from everybody. I know that I'm physically disconnected, I'm not in high school anymore so things are different. But it is not fucking impossible to meet people outside of high school. It's not impossible to connect with people.

I miss spending time with James. It was not romantic, although it did have some sexual vibes, even though he's too shy to ever have it happen. But it was fulfilling nevertheless. It wasn't the most magnificent of friendships but it was a connection, nevertheless. At least, it was for a couple months but he is severely disconnected from people too so even when I feel connected it's very, very difficult to know if he feels connected, which he probably never does.

In any case, he seemed to be enjoying it for a couple months as well.

Either these guys don't feel the connection and ignore me, do act like they feel the connection while they're with me but then proceed to separate themselves from me (I'm not a freak, I'm really charming, that's why I don't understand it) or they feel the connection but I don't. It's so mismatched. I don't understand!

I'm tired of there being no understandable rhyme or reason. I'm tired of this conflict and mismatch and estrangement. I'm FUCKING TIRED of saying I'm tired, because I've been complaining about this since Mike and I broke up. I feel like, right after we broke up was prime time to make connections with people but because I was hung up on him for the next.... long time... I didn't want a connection with anyone less than him and I feel like I got what I wanted - except I didn't ever get him back, but that's probably the best option. But I'm still not connecting with anyone else. I got what I asked for. And it sucks.

Even when I make the effort it doesn't work. I'm not just sitting on my bum. There just isn't magnetism. There's no chemistry. What I mean is, two people can be in a crowded room and it takes magnetism for them to notice each other, and then more for them to strike up a conversation, and then more for them to exchange contact information and then more for them to make the effort to see each other again. It takes magnetism for two people to make that happen. And it just does not happen with me.

It used to. I became friends with people in a flash, before I even knew what was happening. The magnetism was at work. And it's like I lost my mojo now. All of the sudden the magnetism is at a standstill. Which partly means that I don't have any karma with anyone around here... but I don't think I should be punished for NOT having any karma with anyone.

I don't think I deserve to be punished at all. And I don't know why my own feelings are so disconnected from each other that I can't make this a harmonious lifestyle.

I don't need people to be happy. I have spent sufficient solitary time with myself, getting to know myself, getting to love myself, exploring, progressing. Necessary, healthy, enjoyable time with myself. I was damn good company. A perfect connection, when you really think about it. So much harmony in opinions and decisions and hobbies and amusement and pleasure and desire. But this can't go on forever.

This cannot go on forever.

It's nice to read my old surveys. I was feeling a little anxious, about God knows what and then I started working on my surveys and it's like rejuvenation of my personality. Like, the things that the anxiety had masked over. And I was reminded by all of my proclamations who I am, and why I love being who I am and why I like to live, and why I am not an anxious person. I'm so, pleasurable to listen to. :p I mean, I'm warm, charming, amusing, positive, confident, honest. And I like being all of those things. I like being unafraid to be all of those things. And I don't deserve to be tired and fearful and annoyed and uncomfortable. That's not me.

I've been testing my limits a lot lately. My physical limits. Both my physical weakness and my fear. Because I've never worked my body, really. I was active when I was like 9 not since then and I've never been very good at anything. Plus, I had a lot of fear. Like I wouldn't ever jump off of something that everybody else would jump off of. It took me a while to get enough guts to do a flip on the trampoline. I've never been able to do a cartwheel. Last summer I wouldn't do the slip and slide. I fear bodily harm a lot. I won't do something until I'm sure it's safe.

I also fear water. But I decided to get over it. I just don't like turning my back on it at this point. If I can keep my eye on it, it's okay. But if I turn my back, I have the feeling that it's morphed into a great big monster, the size of a tidal wave that will swallow me whole. I guess that speaks of the emotions and their threat. In any case, I did that thing behind the waterfall. And then, again, I climbed up to the waterfall in the Adirondacks a few weeks ago. Plus, I crossed the pond. And then after I'd climbed up to the waterfall, I crossed it. It wasn't at a particularly dangerous part but my ankles were under water and the current was pushing at them. I walked cautiously.

And then the other day I climbed a tree. And it's not like skydiving. What I mean is, it's not about the extreme. It's about being active when I'm usually not. It's about being unafraid when I usually am. It's about enjoying myself instead of sitting around being cautious. I was laying on the tramp and I looked up at the tree and it was so beautiful that I decided to climb it and meet it personally. So I grabbed a ladder to get up the first part of the trunk and I started climbing. My brother grabbed a random branch and pulled himself up and in like 30 seconds he had climbed up to the top. The damn monkey. But I took my time. We cleared away all the dead branches that were entangled in the live ones. I must have spent at least an hour up there and I only went up and down once. So I took my time. I guess I'm not afraid of heights. I never thought I was particularly. But I do get slightly queasy when I look down from a great height. This wasn't such a great height. Near four stories high. Wow, now I'm confused. Stories is the word to use there? I've never seen it spelled before and I can't think of what it refers to.

In any case, I wasn't only a bit afraid because I had climbed a bit but then I was stuck, or rather, I had to take a tiny bit of a risk to pull myself up further. And I happened to be on the wrong side of the trunk, where there were not many branches. So taking the risks kind of made me a little afraid but you get to know the branches and the strength of your arms.

I like doing things barefoot too. Because the last time I went to a waterfall I had to cross a pond first, I took my shoes and socks off. And I didn't bring them with me so I walked up to the waterfall without them and then up the regular hill and across the waterfall all without them. My feet were a bit numb because of the cold water, so the rocks and things didn't exactly bother me. But it did feel really good to put my socks back on. In any case, I climbed the tree with socks on, no shoes. Probably would have been harder with shoes.

I was really in a nature mood. I had been reading a lot of stuff about Taoism and Confusionism because I was about to take my Eastern Philosophy exam. And although it wasn't really about the direct connection to nature, that I felt. I did get a sense of harmony that I associated with nature. And I just wanted to spend time with nature, and it reminded me of the same vibe as Taoism and Confusionism. I mowed the lawn. Me and Isis. I love doing it. I love driving around my back yard, staring at grass. Driving beneath trees.

And the lawn looked so friendly afterwards. Because when it's wild, it doesn't look like it wants you to come on it but when it was cut, it looked very inviting. Amelia was giving Isis piggy back rides around the yard and I did too and I held Isis's hand and had her running about. She, until very recently, would not walk on grass. She has always thought it feels weird. But she's getting used to it so she was barefoot. Well, actually, she was pretty much naked.

We were hanging out with her until we went in the tree and she got bored and went inside to watch Winnie the Pooh.

I like being outside a lot. I used to not like it. I like going out there to read and to sunbathe. I wish I could be topless but I can't. :(

Anyway, I really wish it would warm up. It's been warm but it hasn't been hot and humid and to tell you the truth I freakin miss it. I've been suffering for months here, I don't want to be chilly anymore. It's been pretty cold too, like when it rains. And the sun doesn't come out every day. It's the middle of May!! When does summer begin!

I'm so happy the green is back. That's probably why I feel this reawakening of harmony with nature. I don't feel it during winter. I look at pictures that were taken two or three weeks ago and they're atrocious. Everything is so lovely when the grass is green.

My birthday is three days. But, remember, it's anticlimactic. Loren leaves soon, which sucks because he's the one I do things with. Like waterfalls and shopping and climbing trees. Amelia doesn't do much with me and during the week she has Isis so she does even less. During the weekends she does things with her friends or studies. She studies a lot.

I just have one more exam on Monday but I've already studied for half of it because it was originally supposed to be two weeks ago but he moved it back a couple weeks and added another chapter to it.

I'm glad to be out of school. I'm tired of my spirit being so cooped up. I want to read and write. I haven't had the time. I want the suffering heat.

My sister might move to Pennsylvania or something. Because of her fiance. But she's thinking of leaving the kids in Utah with Evan. Or maybe only taking one kid. :( I wish I didn't like my nephews and nieces so much. If only I liked them as little as I do my cousins.

Lyla took me off her myspace yesterday. I had been thinking about doing it this past week but I didn't feel that it was a good idea. It's better to not talk and pretend that you're not enemies. Cause when you openly say that you don't like each other, it begins to prohibit your actions. You know what I mean? You can't talk to your enemies, look at them, like them, compliment them. You don't want to hear about them. etc etc.

Well I saw her at the library. I was looking at some videos and I turned around to see who was talking to someone and I saw it was Lyla but I had already begun to turn my head back to the videos. I think she was too surprised to say anything.

She shouldn't hate me, as far as I'm concerned. I mean, she said she missed me. We apologized and chatted fine for a few days. Then I told her that I wanted to become friends with John again because I had to face my issues. She said no. I told her that she was being controlling again, just like she had only a day or two before apologized for doing it last summer. She didn't answer the message and we haven't said a thing since. Well, actually, I left a bulletin comment but she didn't reply.

In any case. I don't like her. It's like I wish she was who I want her to be. And then I would like her. But I don't like the reality. She has such a sweet face and this sweetness that I always liked. She talks with a really high voice and says cute things. But she also has this maniacal body of emotion. And she's now a bit crazy. I thought she was rational and smart from the message. And maybe she can be. But it's contrasted by her emotions. She's immensely bitter and resentful. She's always saying things spitefully and sarcastically. She's always crying and bitching. She swears a lot in that way, as in, your words probably wouldn't sound angry so if you put "fucking" in there, that will give it some umph. I've been there before. But swear words always seem so contrived. Like it isn't natural to be saying them, they're just used to get a desired effect. I guess because they're taboo, they're "swear words" and teenagers then use the language to test authority and whatnot. Sometimes you can make it natural. But when you use it every other sentence just to make your sentence sound really mad... it just sounds obnoxiously contrived.

I wish she wasn't spiteful and hateful and emotionally distorted. In fact, I've grown to realize that teenagers really scare me. They are not healthy. Mareena is like a freakin alcoholic. They all smoke pot, drink, smoke cigarettes. They're full of hate. They sleep around. Maybe it was that video that got me started off. But I've realized that teenagers are way out of my control. And not only that, they are not smart or healthy. So the things they do are dumb and unhealthy and there's nothing I can do about it. I've been a rational adult for too long... and I turn 18 in four days.

There is an ocean between me and teenagers. That's just not where my mindset is at. My actions, feelings, thoughts don't reflect that of a teenager. I guess I live a lot in my mind. Traveling over mountains and through valleys and across oceans, all in my mind. I don't make decisions of an adult, I haven't gotten a job yet. I'm not particularly responsible. But my thoughts have leaped over the discoveries that are supposed to be made with time. Time, I don't have much of. Just 225 months. Experience, meh, average, if not less. But wisdom I've got in abundance anyway.

Oh well. John and Lyla are both off my myspace now. Tim won't talk to me, but he's got the same exact birthday as me. Rather interesting. I want to get to know someone who has the same birthday as me.

That guy who gave me the popsicle gave me the sweetest smile the other day in class. We were sitting down for an exam and he walked in and I was the first person he saw and he smiled and then put his head down in a shy way and walked to a seat. It was adorable. I wish I could exchange phone numbers with my eyes.

Speaking of exams though... I studied like mad that entire day. It was intense. I preferred it, really. Because even when I'm not studying for an exam, I'm worrying about it. Because I'm a procrastinator, I put off everything to the last minute and I'm anxious and guilty for doing that for all the minutes before. At least, that's the pattern. In truth, every since I came to college, I realized that the most appropriate time was the last minute. In high school I would procrastinate but then get so overwhelmed that I wouldn't end up doing it and everything would pile up. But in college, I do things the last minute. I don't get all piled up because classes aren't every day one right after the other like in high school. I'm good at doing things last minute. I always get A's, I always do all my work and give more than they expected, because I can't help it.

In any case, I knew that if I had three separate tests on three separate days that I would be anxious for like a week. Thinking about it, worrying about it. It's not something I do obsessively, per se. But it's that habit from high school. I procrastinate, do other things, but I can never escape from the knowledge that I'm avoiding something. I can't ever really put it out of my mind. I periodically remind myself of what needs to be done and feel a drop of guilt that I then push it away until next time. It's just something that hangs over me until it's done. So I would prefer to get them all out of the way on the same day.

Surprisingly, my hand didn't hurt that much. I woke up at 4AM and did the learning objectives for Western Civilization. They're pretty much study guides that go along with the chapters we read. Thankfully, for the final he has less chapters. For the midterm he's got like twelve of them that he covers. But he only had five this time. So I was filling those out all morning. I also read a bit of my Eastern Philosophy book, that's my studying. I had been doing that the Tuesday before, between classes, cause there's a lot to read and I need to give myself time. Last minute won't do. I took a shower with Isis, ate breakfast, got ready, drove to school. Took my Modern Fiction exam. Which wasn't hard at all. She had already given us the questions to look over and prepare for in our minds. Did those essays, left, tried to finish reading my Philosophy Exam.

I left enough to do for the hour and a half between classes that I expected to have. But I couldn't find a place to read and concentrate, I moved like ten times. I finally found one but I still couldn't focus, I wasn't absorbing the information. It was about Buddhism. I had to read it very slowly and had to read the lines like ten times. It was very basic philosophy. What I mean is, Buddha's teachings seem very basic. I admit I haven't payed a lot of attention to his teachings. What I mean is, I talk about him and stuff, but I've never actually explored his teachings. At least not in depth. Like I know the gist of them but I've never explored them. So that was interesting. Learned some things I didn't know. Cause although it was mostly familiar, hearing implicitly what Buddha meant, from this author's words, was novel. He stressed the stuff about "self" a lot, and I hadn't heard it in that light. I realized that it was exactly what I was trying to get across in my philosophy report. Because of the way my teacher taught the idea, with his own conclusions, I had understood it in a different light, and didn't like it. But now I see more clearly what Buddha was trying to get across and I almost completely agree. I like him better than ever.

But I couldn't finish. And I suffered slightly for it. I had to go to class and I took the exam. Wasn't any worse than usual. That is, I always miss a question or two. But I guess and fill in as much as I can. If I had been able to read the chapter on Mahayana, I might have done a little better but I probably got over 90. The whole point of essays, his opinion, is that students should be able to express their ideas and perceptions of the philosophies. Because they aren't facts and they are open to interpretations. So even though we have to be talking about the same thing, our understanding of it can be different and he likes to give us the freedom to do that and get points, rather than spit out some uniform idea. So I'm hoping that I answered all the questions with what he was looking for.

It sucked though, I couldn't remember any of the things on the eightfold path. It's because when I'm put on the spot, my short term memory freezes up. It's really good for tests, as long as I'm relaxed. But I wasn't relaxed because I was anxious that there were questions I couldn't remember and that made me remember even less. It's like, when I recited The Raven last year, even though I was shaking the whole time, I didn't mess up or forget a line at all because The Raven is so ingrained in my memory that I couldn't forget it if I tried. But then I learned another poem that week, and I had only learned it in a few days so it wasn't that familiar to me. Yes, I'd memorized it, but when I got to class I was immensely nervous and I froze up and I just could not, for the life of me, access the words to the poem. They were blocked. If it had been The Raven, I would have been able to access them because they were deeper ingrained in my head. It was the same here. I had only recently reviewed Buddhism and I didn't have the eightfold path memorized so I blanked out. Whereas, I had calmly absorbed Confusionism and Taoism a couple days earlier and I could access it better.

But if you think that's a good reason to study earlier, you're wrong. I have to study last minute and last minute only. Eastern Philosophy interests me, that's why I absorbed it. But I don't like to absorb too much, I block it out of my long term memory. I hate being stuffed with facts and information. I'm like Sherlock Holmes. If I know too much, I won't be able to know anything well enough. But if I focus on what I need to focus on, I'll be able to do it ten times better than if I was overloaded with other junk. So I study last minute so that I can put all the exam information into my short term, use it, forget it and I've got an A. I wouldn't get an A if I tried to put it into my long term. If I took test over again, even the same damn test, within the week after I'd gotten an A on it. I would not remember the answers. Sometimes we review the exam and some of the questions I know, but mostly, the information is gibberish to me. It's hard for me to do that, though. I need to examine a question freshly, but if I've seen it before, my mind will be trying to figure out what I said last time and if I got it right or wrong, so I'll get confused and messed up. I have to be able to freshly examine the question and work with the first association that comes to mind. As they say, it's usually the right one. When your mind kicks in with doubt and interpretation and rationalization, you get wayward.

In any case... I kept writing my Buddhist answer, trying to wing it, but then the pathways opened up and I could remember what they were about. We only needed to discuss four anyway. I was in such a hurry though. Such a freakin scurry. Cause we don't have a lot of time. And I usually finish just barely. Cause I can ramble on and on in essay questions. So, actually, I finished five minutes before class ended. The last three times I've taken a test for Tao, I was the very last person finished. This time everyone seemed to be taking their time. We have a lot of questions for such a short period of time, he should realize that. So I left a couple blank, one that I should have been able to answer cause it was an obvious question, too obvious that I didn't think I had the right answer. But that wasn't a lot of points and I did the bonus.

Then I had to leave and scurry to finish studying for Western Civilization. I had one more chapter to do, that I'd purposely left for the hour before class. But it was boring and my mind had been so damn overwhelmed, absorbing history and working through philosophy, plus the first exam in Modern Fiction. It was like 11 hours of full studying and thinking. I sometimes don't have breakfast or lunch and I'm gone until six, but this time I'd had breakfast and lunch and I still had stomach pains. I usually only have them at like 5. But I had them early in the morning, then later in the morning, then in the afternoon and then again before my last exam. Which, to me, means that my brain was working hard and needed a lot of protein. So, 15 minutes before class I just decided to stop and take a walk and relax my brain so that I would be clearheaded and ready to take the exam. I decided that I couldn't afford to rush through the M.C. exams like I usually do because I love to be the first one done... that I would take my time and answer each question carefully.

So I walked around, no more cramming. And the test went really well. To me a test is always easy because I always go to classes, do my homework and study. Although I try not to absorb too much of the information during the semester, when it comes time for classes, I'm really good at taking it all in and I spent an appropriate amount of time studying for it. So I usually get A's and if I can't get an A, it usually means that the teacher made the test hard. Or you could look at it that all the other teachers give way too easy tests and this one teacher gives appropriate tests. I'm not sure how hard tests should be. In any case, this test was good. I had studied all morning, I knew the information, the test tested me on this information. During the midterm, a few of the questions were a little too random. I think I got eight questions wrong but the thing is, he only gave us like 40 questions. It's better to give the students more questions so that the 20 chapters they studied can be put to good use and they have a better chance of getting questions right, rather than screwing up a few and those questions being worth so much. It's just better probability with more questions.

He gave us 48 this time and the questions were spot on, I mean, they were exactly what I had been studying, no vagueness. So I did every question one by one, carefully, slowly. And I felt that rush that I get when I want to finish first. It tried to swallow me up and to carry me along, give me momentum but I pushed it away and went slowly. Ironically, though, I finished first anyway. :) I mean, I only had to hesitate on like two of them cause I knew all the rest so it obviously went fast. But I let my mind process the questions, instead of rushing myself. And I guess I was rewarded for it anyway. I got 182 out of 200. I don't know what that means. Puh. He takes like 35 questions and turns it into a score out of 200. I don't know how. I guess he x it by four... In any case, he does have a letter grade comparison, but only for the 400 grade. So there's 200 for the midterm and 200 for the final and you can't know what letter grade those are, I tried to do the math but it wasn't working, you'd think you could split it in half. Anyway, I can know the letter grade for the whole thing, it's an A- between the two. However, he promised that if we did better on the final, he would double that grade so that the midterm was replaced with the score from the final. Which will give me an A. So I'm hoping he'll make good his promise. :)

I put that I didn't want to have my philosophy report returned to me because I would have to drive to the school and pick it up next Thursday or something and last time, he asked to keep it so I just looked at the A on the paper and he said how much he liked it. I was torn between wanting to discuss it with him and just assuming I got an A. I mean, I know I got an A because I know how he grades. He's not strict about it, as long as you develop your ideas fully and they relate to philosophy. I don't even need to make sure I've done that. Of course I have. So although I'd like to hear what he thinks, and I'd like to give him the opportunity to tell me his thoughts on my paper, I said no, that I wouldn't be coming to the school to pick it up. So I'll probably never see him again. I kind of felt that way with Longley too. I'll probably never see her again. I don't know if I'll be taking my final semester at this school. I could email Longley though... or visit her if I wanted.

I also had to say goodbye to Carito. But I didn't want it to be awkward. I don't know her as well as the others but I did want to say thank you. However, I had to return a paper the next day and I had Amelia put it in her mailbox and I wrote her a note saying thanks for a great class. But these teachers who have discussed with me who I am, recognized it at least, and discussed with me my options for the future... I feel like I have a connection with them and it's rude to just disappear on them. I mean, I know that the semester is over but I feel like I should have given them a proper goodbye, but I couldn't because the rest of the class was still taking tests. So, I don't feel that I got closure.

In any case... I'm feeling kind of lonely. My social options are dwindling further down. I may meet people if I get a job, which I most likely will now that it's the summer. o.O

I'm glad I have Kristen. I kind of want to date her. I know it sounds a little weird, that I want to date her not because I romantically love her. I do care for her a lot and I love her dearly, and it's not like I have trouble being attracted to girls. Who can say what kind of love I should have for her, in order to want to date her. But I just feel like I can't be certain that she'll give me attention, and if we were dating, then I could guarantee she would give me attention. I know, it sounds a little pathetic written out like that. But I guess you could say that I want to be closer to her. It's as simple as that. And when we were dating, we had a tie that binded us, even though we weren't that serious. So although I won't ask her, I'm feeling kind of nostalgic for that tie. I want a tie to anybody, but I don't have anything.

Loren probably won't come back so I guess I'm feeling that loss. He's my brother, but this is the most time I've spent with him in my entire life. In fact, those two weeks last summer were the most I'd spent with him my entire life until now. So even brother-sister bonds don't keep me tied together with people. Friendships drift. I haven't had anything near a boyfriend for three years, except Dan. And Dan hasn't been part of my life. He's given me companionship but I don't live my life with him, he's not involved in anything but discussion. I need someone in my life. Someone who isn't so controversial. Someone who is compatible with me. Part of the problem is my estrangement from teenagers. And my mindset, I guess, my consciousness.

I don't seem to belong with anyone. The people who have relationships need them to work through their psychology. I don't, and I don't want to be with anyone who does. I don't know if relationships can be any other thing. My parents have gotten past that but they were married previously and they aren't that in love. I guess I'm torn between wanting the love that I know I don't want. My parents have a mature love, but it's not what I want, even though it's what I have for Dan. But at least my parents have a life with each other. And even though I would be a little bit more attached and fond of who I was married to, I would at least have someone. I don't now. *sigh*.