It's hard, confronting three years worth of emotions by reading over my journal entries for my book. Sometimes I read passages from all three years in one night, because I skip around instead of work through it consecutively.

There's something oddly bittersweet about AFTER the break up with Mike. Oh man, but if I were to try to explain WHAT it is, I could only go wrong, because there are just so many conflicting emotions, depending on when I read and what I read.

I'm beginning to see the relationship with Mike in a semi-new light. I loved myself while I was with him, in a way that I had never before loved myself. And it was amazing. But that was the extent of it. He didn't love me enough and he didn't treat me well at all, I'm surprised at how badly he treated me.

I handled him so well. I had to bring out a compassionate maturity that I had never had before. I accepted him and coaxed him and nurtured him in such a beautiful way.

Pretty much until Isis was born, everything I did was infused with the break up. Everything about my life revolved around the break up. Everything I did was either directly about the break up, a trivial distraction from the break up, or in epic struggle against the break up's hold over me.

And that's something I never realized. Isis gave me something. Amelia did, as well. But still at that point, I was struggling to be happy without Mike, so even though I was developing a new relationship with Amelia and a new part of myself through my philosophical inquiries, it was really Isis and then Dan who brought out an actual novel life, that had absolutely nothing to do with the break up.

But, even though the things I held onto after the break up were mostly superficial and image-oriented, I kind of miss them. I miss the highs in contrast with the lows. Or maybe I'm entirely wrong about this and there's something underlying that I miss about that time. I miss the epic battle inside myself. I was pushing and pulling myself. Pushing to overcome all the pulling I was making happen in my emotional body with feelings for Mike.

I held onto all these crazy little things, all these distractions. My writing is funny and random because I was bitter over the break up and desperate to find any connection to reality. You know? Like I didn't have any substance, any roots with reality because my reality had been Mike. I didn't know what I had after he was gone. So I just grabbed at anything random and silly to pretend like I was involved in reality, when I really wasn't.

I was opening up a lot of philosophical theories that changed my outlook on reality, but I couldn't really talk to anyone but Amelia about them. It's a lot easier for me now. I'm comfortable. Letting go of Mike was like letting go of that superficial teenage life I had and never want to have again. That's what dropping out of high school was. Letting go of the meaningless life that I was following to go with the crowd.

Maybe this is all about my ego. Maybe my ego is nostalgic for the effort. I was trying so desperately to create an image that functioned away from Mike. Something I could be satisfied with. Music, designs, icons, wit. Simple things that felt good for me. I don't regret it. In retrospect, they were meaningless things. I used them appropriately and let them go when I was ready to develop something more important.

But there's still that strange bittersweet feeling.

Tom. What is it? He's going to the military and he invited me to his going away party, though I couldn't come. And I just remembered it was on Sat and it hit me so hard. Tom wanted to date me for so long and I rejected it all. I feel like I gave him nothing and it saddens me so much. There's something weird in connection to the bittersweet breakup and Tom.

I can't put my finger on it. Even if I could, I'd probably still have it wrong. There's probably something very underlying that I'm reading about the situation. Something that affects me in some manner I can't really be sure of.

Something empty. I guess, like I didn't do enough with Tom. Like I feel I didn't take advantage of his presence in my life. He tried so hard to be close to me. I took full advantage of Green Day and snowboarding but not Tom. And now the time has passed and Tom is gone. And I feel so unfulfilled. So empty when I think about him. There's something missing. I feel like I should have done more. It's really upsetting me. It's such a strange feeling.

I think that I felt so awful in general, that such small, sweet, simple, superficial things gave me such an extraordinary, healing high. It soothed me and nurtured me so much. I took it where I could get it. I don't have a hard time facing reality anymore, so I don't need these sweet simple highs and yet, I'm not truly fulfilling my passions so I'm not completely satisfied - so I'm kind of humming at a low frequency. If that makes sense.

It's sad to say this but I'm not fulfilling myself with Starbucks and Joe. It's not a bad relationship and I relish the comfort sometimes. He gives me things I've wished for so, so, so, so much since I broke up with Mike. Things I thought even Mike gave me, but he really didn't. And now Joe gives me these things that I asked for. It's a healthy relationship. But there's something missing. I just don't know that it's realistic to expect that in the future I'll be in a relationship with someone who can fulfill that missing aspect.

I feel so emotionally out of place and empty right now. It hasn't previously hit me this hard, reading over my entries. I have to say that it started when I read a message I wrote to Mike's mom a month after the final breakup. I don't know what it was. I didn't read the whole message, saved it for later, but it was such a different perspective than what I remember. A different side of the break up. The break up grew into this shadow of anxiety that just haunted me for months and months after. The proclamation - whatever it was, that I made to his mom, and her words back were just so touching in a way that I don't fully understand.

Maybe I'm just so used to remembering spite and anger and fighting. I didn't love myself after the break up and I struggled so hard to deal with it. I fought so hard, I resented so much, I feared so much. It was ugly. But it wasn't like that just a month after the break up. It developed into that, it developed into this obsession that drove me crazy.

I think that the final letter to his mom was almost like me putting closure on, this is hard to explain.... the way I felt for myself through Mike, was still reminiscent through his mom. I lost it with Mike and it haunted me. It haunted me to be reminded of it every day, all day long.

I don't know why I care though. I don't know why I find it beautiful and touching that I loved myself when I wrote to his mom. Because I love myself more than I ever did while dating Mike right now, don't I? Maybe I miss the challenge, the compassion that I had while dealing with Mike. Maybe a compassion that I had for myself. Even though, judging from my journal entries, I didn't really feel that compassionate for myself at the time.

Maybe it's that twin flame thing. That's so weird.

Ugh. I am just crying really hard right now and these emotions are so foreign to me. Maybe I'm just feeling things I've never let myself feel. Like the underside of a snail. That's why I said that I dealt with so many hard, aggressive, angry feelings after the break up. And this just feels so tender. Not comforting, just tender, raw.

Did I have something like that with Mike? Something so vulnerable and naive. And I hated myself for it afterwards so I developed something so sour and bitter. And I've carried it with me. It's not that I act sour and bitter, per se. It's just a shadow that hangs over my reactions, and my ability to be myself. I protect myself a lot more. Because Mike hurt me, betrayed me with our break up. I shared something with him. Something tender.

I feel comfortable with Joe. There's no doubt about it. I feel more secure and confident and comfortable with him. I definitely love myself more and I accept myself more. But there's still something stiff and hard about my relationship with him. Not an obvious thing, but a subtle nuance that I didn't have ANY CLUE of until now, until reading that letter.

I felt so foolish for trusting Mike so explicitly. I hated myself for trusting him. I hated that. I was always so trusting. It's like, these days, I have so much confidence that I don't actually fear and regret and hate as much as I used to. Because I know I can hold my own in any situation I get into. But I still haven't let go of that wall of protection. I still haven't allowed myself to breathe so naturally. To trust so fully.

I can tell that I need to release something cause my nose is stuffing itself up and as I talk it's clearing up again. I wasn't ready to trust so openly. I was too vulnerable because I didn't know how to love myself and thus, protect myself the true way. In love, there is no pain and there is no aggression or destruction. You can't bruise or break if you love yourself. It's the capability to be invulnerable.

I couldn't open myself up raw to the world and be okay. I got wounded from the things I experienced. I could deal with Mike all over again and not be wounded this time. Because I've grown stronger. But now I need to let go of that wall of protection. I need to surrender the fear that I may some day become hurt again. I need to have faith in the progress I've made.

I don't quite know how to do that right now. But now that I've identified the problem, I can just let nature take its course. We're naturally self-healing, if we only allow ourselves to do so. So I've just got to allow myself to do so. Stop holding onto any reasoning that tells me I need a firm wall of protection.

I haven't sneezed but my nose is running, so that means I'm releasing something.

Gosh, it took a long time for me to figure it all out. Lucky I have patience. Though I'm not entirely sure how Tom fits into that. Maybe because he was someone I could trust and I was too scared to recognize it. I don't know.

I have to work really hard to read through all my old journal entries this next week. I'm going down to Virginia to visit my parents the day after Thanksgiving and I want to have the reading portion done, if not the organizing part before I go.

I'm also going to start a website. I wrote an article for my parents website and they've had it for nearly 2 months but haven't bothered to read it even though it'll only take ten minutes. and I think they were meant to not read it, that's why they didn't feel the impulse to find the time - just the opposite. Because if they had, they would have put it on their website and I would have been satisfied with that. But now that they haven't, I still need my words to get out there, I need someone to listen and communicate with, someone to hear what I have to say, many someones. So making my own website will be a good start.

Though I'm scared. And that's one of the reasons why I wanted to go through my parents, because they would actually be the ones receiving the messages from people and I could almost anonymously post my work, and not directly connect with people. So I have to face my fear by directly reaching out to people who can communicate with me and connect with me on this level.

I should mention that I was already recommended to make my own website a few months ago, but I rejected the suggestion. I think I'll talk to my dad while I'm down there and try setting it up.