I feel like this election would have been more relevant to me, if there had been a woman candidate. So many people are grateful becomes this victory is the highest acknowledgment of their right to be American citizens. I think we should just throw out the term "african american" cause African, for a large portion of the "african american" generations is just a way of saying, dark skinned. It's not really referring to their cultural history. We sometimes refer to people as Irish Americans or something of the kind. But after even just one generation, if you grew up in America and especially if your parents grew up in America and ESPECIALLY if your grandparents grew up in America.... where they came from shouldn't be part of your identification label.

I mean, personally, the "african american" culture that I see here in America, didn't come from Africa. It was created in America and reflects the American culture, but to a certain degree, the "african american" american culture. Not that white people don't join in. (I'm talking about like the ghetto style, for lack of a better label.)

But if I was black and I had grown up in America and my parents had grown up in America and, well, if my former generations had been here since even slavery, I'd be pretty offended if I couldn't just simply be called, an American.

They should have just stuck with "black" and "white". But personally, any distinguishing name is kind of offensive. Because in America, is seems like "white" is the default, therefore to speak of "color" is to speak of the minority. And that's why it's relevant for the minorities to finally have a distinguished and honored representative.

And although I clearly understand the significance, I haven't really ever thought of their situation in a compassionate way. Because I've never oppressed the minorities. I've never been racist, I've never cared about lower class or race. So, I've never been sensitive to how it feels for them to be oppressed. It didn't really concern me.

But, Ashley, who is half African American. So she's half American American and half African American. Or part Spanish. I'm not sure, but she looks black in any case and she talks black in any case and she dates black guys, in any case... she called me a bitch like 17 times today. And it hurt. Naturally. I expressed honestly to her that I have never done anything to her, I have never given her attitude or treated her badly. I honestly did not deserve it.

And I had to cry. She was just having a bad day and she took it all out on me at the first opportunity. And it hurt. It seems that once my tears are full throttle, I can't make them stop. I don't cry often, but when I do, it's a force of its own. So I was trying to make my tears stop and I just said simply to myself, I know I'm not a bad person. End of story. A lot of people at work try to tear me down and they try to make me their enemy. And no matter what justification or excuse they come up with, I know that it's not worth it to fight them or acknowledge that they're my enemy. I only have to tell myself that I'm simply and naturally not a bad person. No way.

And I don't need to prove it. I don't need to struggle with it. I don't need to fight them for it. I don't need their validation. I'm just simply not a bad person. I think that throughout all of the fights I had in my lifetime and probably many more lifetimes, whenever someone accused me of being their enemy, of being a bad person in one way or another, when I argued back, I was half arguing with myself. I was half trying to prove to myself that I was not a bad person. Because I wasn't sure. And I've been trying to earn it like crazy in the past year being a friggen saint. though that wasn't my only motivation, of course.

But I felt that any spiritual progress and maturity and growth that I made would help me earn a little bit more worth. And that maybe if I reached perfection, I could ALMOST be worthy. But I didn't earn perfection through my progress. I only uncovered what was already there. I cleaned away the grime and I like what I found underneath. I like who I am.

God. All these times that I've even made progress with loving myself, I've always said that I loved myself at those times so passionately and excitedly. Like I needed a lot of enthusiasm and positivity. But I think that I always expressed my self-loathing by my inability to allow other people to love me. It made me uncomfortable to touch any situation where someone had good or bad feelings for me. Naturally, this is why I've avoided people since Mike and I broke up. Because if you're uncomfortable in every single social situation, it gets pretty futile to make friends and lovers and to even bond with your family.

I've had such a cloud over me. And to be honest, I am inspired by Obama's speech. I mean, I told this to myself in the bathroom earlier. But I feel like I can echo the cloud that's being lifted off the hearts of people who have felt oppressed by white america, and I didn't even realize it until now. I like myself. I don't have to tell myself that I love myself, the way you say you love your family because you feel you're obligated to love them even if you don't like them. I would seriously choose me as a friend. I'm fond of myself the way I'm fond of other people. I can enjoy my company and appreciate that I am good company the way I would any other good person.

But, there's a twist, I guess. The point of my story was that although I knew that I knew I was a good person, I still cried and it still hurt. Well it stopped hurting after my OFFICIAL STATEMENT. But I still cried.

And that's why I could imagine that even if an "african american" had an equal perception of racial equality, it would still be hurtful to grow up knowing that it's an issue to so many people. It hurts me that so many people at work have to debate if I'm a bitch or not. And usually, it's not much of a debate, they just agree that I'm a bitch.

And I think that although I always knew that it was their own world that defined who I was, their own reality that was projected onto me, I was worried that even though they were looking at me through a skewed perspective, I still MAY have done something to provoke it. I still MAY have done something to DESERVE it. and now I know that I haven't. I don't feel guilty. And I'm ready to accept that it is wholly their own perspectives being projected onto their own perspectives of my behavior. They see me how they want to. And I will never be able to present myself as I hope they see me, because it doesn't matter. They will see me how they want to.

And I have to let it be. I have to let their decisions be what they are. I can't struggle with them over it. It's going to be the way it's going to be. I need to know that I should and will do anything that I feel is right, regardless of how I hope it affects them. I can't be afraid to be myself just because I'm afraid to cross them. I can't be afraid to be controversial. Because when I'm a perfect little angel, I'm still a stuck up, tattle tail, cry baby, bitch with an attitude who sucks at life, inspires hate and is bad at working at starbucks.

I never did anything to earn those titles in the first place. I know that. I thought I may have with my attitude. But I have to have compassion for myself.

[23:39] Clawplagh: so because im completely random in conversation
[23:39] Clawplagh: are you good at forgiving people? is my next question
[23:39] IAMSpartacus117: yes.
[23:40] IAMSpartacus117: but technically I still hold a grudge when it's personal because, it's hard to explain, I don't always know how to be myself in a comfortable way around people who I conflict with.
[23:41] Clawplagh: oh. is that why youre always kind of defensive at work?
[23:42] IAMSpartacus117: I don't hold grudges in the least bit, nor do I get very angry. but yes, I get defensive.
[23:42] IAMSpartacus117: partly just because of the way I feel about myself. people don't enjoy situations where they don't feel good about themselves.
[23:42] IAMSpartacus117: so when I get in those situations, I have bad reactions.
[23:43] IAMSpartacus117: and it's not other people's fault. but they tend to escalate the situation because they aren't very sensitive.
[23:43] Clawplagh: ah
[23:44] IAMSpartacus117: and sometimes I don't know how to get back from that. It's like when you make someone the asshole and you don't let it go, and you always hold it against them. like we all do with Bryan. there's no way to come back from that. how do you think it makes him feel? it honestly only makes him worse.
[23:44] IAMSpartacus117: the only way to open up for better behavior is to give him a chance to have better behavior.
[23:46] Clawplagh: humans arent usually wired to think forgivingly, which does suck for people like bryan
[23:46] Clawplagh: heh
[23:47] IAMSpartacus117: I'm a compassionate person. I think that people reflect how they treat themselves by how they treat others.

And I have begun to be compassionate towards others, because I understand their psychology. But I kept thinking today, if only people could understand this about me. If only people could be compassionate about my situations. Why do I do the things that I do? Don't I have excuses for my mistakes? Not justifications, but reasons that are understandable. When you make someone the enemy, you've marked them evil. It's the classic situation of good and evil only each one thinks that they're on the good side and that their enemy is evil. How can I acknowledge that I can be anyone's enemy? When I'm no where near evil. I'm no where near selfish or immoral. I have to have compassion that even if I am defensive, I am not a bad person. Even if I give an attitude, I am not a bad person. Even if I come off strong, I am not a bad person.

I am no one's enemy. I will not concede to that. Yes, I would have never used that word if not for watching the election speeches tonight.

Most importantly, I'm not an enemy of myself. I've had such positive thinking and positive expression for myself over the past year. I've done incredibly. But it needed to sink in. I needed to believe it whole heartedly. And maybe I'm not 100% there. There's always progress to be made. But I've taken the next step, that's for sure.

Though, my anecdote has made me realize that how you feel that people feel about you is a reflection of how you feel about yourself. What you acknowledge and feel the ramifications of is not another's perception, but your own. If you feel badly, it was your own opinions that brought it about. And thus, you shouldn't require external validation.

Socially, as far as the government and social reforms go, it can't hurt to have more equality. But I don't push them as much because if I was black, I would never wait for an "african american" president to validate my racial or general worth. I think that if anything, we've been ready to accept equality. The people of America have been ready to accept equality. White america has been ready. But african americans needed to become ready to accept equality as well. They hung on to their status, if I'm not too bold to say. I know that's terrible generalization. But, many of them did, and I know this because many people of any race or gender or age, believe themselves to be victims and relish in it. And the african americans have been victims for centuries. They're trademark victims. And I think they hung onto it too long.

The other day I said, "so, this is a racist comment. I think that black people use the race card way too much." That's my racial judgment.

To a certain degree, we needed fighters. We needed strong black individuals who were willing to fight for their civil rights. But once they got them, it was their move. It was their turn to make a statement that they were willing to accept equality. And for a long time, they didn't. They still saw themselves as separate and victims of our differences. And they accepted their status to a certain degree. I can't judge fairly that they didn't have opportunities. I don't know what it's like to not have opportunities. I see them everywhere. But perhaps that's because I'm willing to see them everywhere. Perhaps I'm willing to acknowledge my opportunities and many black people have not been willing to acknowledge them.

I mean, the way I see it, a black person is not really a black person. A black person is a soul who has come into a skin. Just skin. I was probably black in a past life. It happens. There is honestly no separation for me because skin is just skin. Like the size of your ears. It's just a superficial chance. You get big earlobes, you get small earlobes. Not something to write home about. So I recognize that there is no skin underneath the surface and that there is no color or relevance to color underneath the surface. But I also believe that we are born into lives that reflect the mindsets we choose to have. And if we're born into a life with little opportunity, it's because we believe that there is little opportunity, and we're really only getting what we expected of life. Nothing new.

We like to say, "well I believe that I have no opportunities because I grew up with no opportunities." That's not how it works. You grow up with no opportunities by believing that there are no opportunities. You see what you want to see and you bring upon yourself what you ask for. You make your bed.

C'est. La Vie.

And if Obama got elected, it means that he is willing to have enough self-respect to believe that he can be the president. We've never had anybody even try have we? Same with women, I know that they have allowed themselves to be victims too long as well. I wouldn't even let Joe see me cry today because I knew he would hug me and pat me on the back and act like I'm a little girl who needs his big strong arms and I'm like - no, I don't need your big strong arms. Just as underneath the skin, there is no color, underneath the skin, there is no gender.

It should have been a black woman president. I want one of those.

But today doesn't mark the day that America has accepted black people. It marks the day that black people have accepted that America has accepted black people. And they need to live up to that. They need to recognize that if they want equality, they have to give up their victim status. Because white americans have too much pride to be pitied. Not that I admire that quality. But the american nature does not accept the slums. That's why our economy sucks. There's too much greed and gluttony and waste and not enough money to satiate it.

I have not a fiber in my being that says that "african americans" can't stand tall. But they need to believe it too. They need to be willing to stand tall now.