Maybe that's just simply my problem, I've fallen into victim consciousness. I'm a victim of victim consciousness. Only I'm purposely pulling the Woe Is Me card in order to...

Well, put it this way. A girl has her period, it's not the worst thing in the world but she hates and she wants to give nature a reason to get rid of it. But the fact that she has it, isn't good enough. So she makes it worse. Physically this isn't an easy job, not that many people consciously try. But subconsciously, we can upset the period cycle and make it, say, come every two weeks. That's hell. That's unfair. That SHOULD be a good enough reason for nature to say - okay, this isn't what you deserve, we'll get rid of your period all together.

That's just an example of what I'm doing.

I have not enjoyed the circumstances I have ever since I moved in. I don't enjoy the responsibility, I don't enjoy the self-discipline. I don't enjoy the dedication to work and landlords. I want the freedom to relax and have no worries. Hakuna Matata is my slogan.

But things aren't that bad, and they aren't good enough reason for me to quit or to receive help or to have reality give me a winning lottery ticket, you know what I mean?

But maybe if things GET bad, maybe I'll be the victim. It'll be like I simply CAN'T make it when things are going this way, and so someone will have to GIVE me better circumstances.

And technically, I know that Amelia, Joe and my parents would all loan or give me money in an instant. But I don't want short term help, I want long term help. I want a way to get rid of this situation for all future months. I don't want to deal with this struggle anymore. So I'm making it worse.

That's my problem. I'm self-sabotaging myself. I'm purposely fucking things up, just to make myself all the more the victim, so the universe will pity me.

But that's not how it works, and I know this. I'm blocking myself from making the circumstances better. It's an all or nothing thing. I've done this all my life. If I can't have things precisely my way, I won't have them any way at all, but that just doesn't suit reality and I have to do the best I can, I have to make circumstances the best they can be. Throwing a temper tantrum isn't going to make things better. I just have to accept that things won't be perfect and that I have to compromise. Afterall, I'm seriously only compromising with myself, not the universe. And how can I argue with that?

That's it.

P.S. I love Hilary Duff. She's smart, funny, real, sane. It's a relief. Restores my faith in humanity a bit.