Time keeps flying by. I don't know where it's going. I'm in a daze. It seems like yesterday it was the beginning of December, now it's a week from Christmas.

It was a week ago that I said I'd break up with Joe. But I didn't. I planned to until the moment I sat him down and decided to do something different. I think that not 100% of our relationship was a lie for me.

The thing is, when I thought, should I go out with him? One of the things that told me Not to, was his lack of expression and his simpleness. So when I began dating him I pretended that both of those didn't bother me or didn't exist, so that I could justify dating him and loving him to myself.

That was the lie. But I think that it's also the very reason I spiritually wanted to date him. In other words, I wanted to address his lack of communication, his lack of expression on a spiritual level. But in order to make a superficial relationship with him, I ignored what I didn't like, and consequently, ignored what I shouldn't like in order to enlighten him.

It's not that I can't love him because he's flawed. And he's not flawed the way I saw him to be in the beginning. I see now that who he is underneath the exterior has created a facade of simplicity in order to keep his expression suppressed and rejected.

It was my fault for lying to myself and to him the exact way that he was lying to himself. I was keeping up the charade because I wanted to avoid the awkwardness of addressing his faults. But they're not defects that are beyond his control, they're subconscious choices that express his self-understanding or lack thereof.

I kept telling myself at the beginning, does he deserve love less because he's simple? I was accepting his simplicity and then telling myself that I owed it to him to love him. I needed to step back and realize that I owe it to him to find what's underneath, what I love of underneath, what I love of what he rejected.

I didn't owe his facade anything. Maybe that's what it had in common with 7th grade, when I gained weight the last time. I was dedicated to the superficial facade. I saw it in others, I saw it in myself, I saw it in our relationships. I didn't apply a perception of anything underneath to my reality.


I don't know how it specifically correlates to my weight. Maybe it's symbolic for another layer. It was said to be protection. I always assumed that it was protection for what was underneath the skin from reality. But perhaps it was opposite. Perhaps, since I was sitting on the surface, it was another layer, a distance between my conscious self and what's underneath my own skin. Perhaps I feared myself. That was probably the biggest battle I had to face in 7th grade, I had so much clashing with my subconscious - ironically partly brought to my attention because I didn't want the weight and I had it. But also because I was clashing with my mom that year and my mom represented my conscience, which I was ignoring.

I like to say that this was my only giving in to peer pressure, when I started swearing. But it was also an attitude of no morals. It came with rap music and the boys, with the superficial things I tried to utilize to fit in with the crowd.

Maybe it was a two-way protection. It was a protection of my subconscious from the world I was participating in, but because I sat on the surface, it was a form of denial for me, a way to utilize the distance between the surface and the subconscious underneath.

Either way, I know that Joe is a good person. He definitely needs to connect to his fire, his energy, his power. It's his move to make, but he needs an enlightening push in the right direction. And whether he takes that step or not is not my concern. I'm willing and able to compassionately care for him and help him.

I let him know, when I talked to him, that I had intended to break up with him and that things needed to change or I would have to break up with him again. I think I need to teach him, not shield him. I need to enlighten him, not make decisions for him. And I need to encourage strength, not adhere to his weaknesses.

I wasn't standing up for what I believe at all thus far in the relationship. I think that his spiritual self wants from him what I want from him. He wants it of himself. But he needs to consciously make the steps towards unifying his will with his spiritual self's power. He needs to stop letting his ego and this superficial facade have their way.

I NEEDED to stop letting his ego and superficial facade have their way.

And that may have been the key from 7th grade. Ego. I sat on the surface in the ego's chair, directed by the ego, entertained by the ego. Bonding with other people's ego's. Seeking no more than what the ego dictated.

My ego wasn't necessarily involved this time, but I was being directed by his ego, I was letting his ego build our relationship, and I was sitting back in the recessive position, instead of standing up to his ego.

Joe isn't like Mike. His ego isn't blaringly obvious. I fought Mike's ego, I stood up to his ego. But Joe's was so much more subtle. I'm not even used to identifying others' egos. Like it's not my place to determine the true self and the false self of somebody else. But it is an interesting query. What self are you communicating with? What self are you bonding with? What self do you make a life with? We don't seem to pay attention because all we care about is the finished result. But the finished result comes from a place of truth or a place of illusion depending on the context.

I don't know. Maybe that's why I left Dan behind. I tried so hard to connect with his real self, but when all was said and done, all he was willing to give back to me was his ego, and after a time, I got a little sick of it.

I know I have power. I know I've been in touch with my real self. But living on my own has proved to be harder than I wanted it to be. I feel powerless and scared. Maybe when you live with your parents, they make most of the life decisions for you. They choose what state you live in, what house you live in, what lifestyle you have, what food you eat, what school you go to, etc.

I know now that I'm out of their house that all the life decisions will be a reflection of my mind. And I'm afraid. I think I'm afraid that I don't deserve to have a life that reflects my spiritual self. I feel like I'm doomed to live a life that reflects my subconscious.

Maybe that's partly what I wanted. I wanted to experience exactly what I don't want to experience so that I could teach from the inside out. I don't want to be an enlightened teacher who looks down on his pupils and says - you're there, but I want you to come here.

I want to be there with my students and walk forward together. Not that many teachers don't also do this. I'm just afraid that "there with my students" will be somewhere unpleasant.

I feel powerless to draw to me a life in which I'll be secure and satisfied. Perhaps if I was, I wouldn't seek more. That's my curse, that I seek more. And so when I draw to myself situations that reflect a lower state of mind, I'm always willing to look for more in the situation, grow out of old nonsense. :/