So, I finally said yes to Joe. I honestly had to. Aside from the fact that he lacks the sharpness I admire, he's really too good to pass up. And when you really think about it, I'm probably not ready to have a sharp boyfriend. It's the same with the spiritually aware boyfriend. If I had one, I'd be on my toes all the time. If I don't have one, I can pretend like I'm not spiritually aware while I'm with him. I can pretend like I'm not thinking a thousand intellectual and wise things when I'm with him.

He is predictable. But I think the reason I said yes today is because we went to his family reunion and seeing him in a different context, with his family he opened up a little, I got to experience more of him than the same old thing.

I mean. In a sense, he's exactly what I asked for. The evening that he first slept over, as I was thinking about him before I asked if he wanted to come over, I was horny and I was thinking of things I liked and I wondered about making out on the floor. And when we first started kissing I was straddling him but somehow we ended up on the floor, from his doing. It was such a coincidence because I was thinking that there's really no good reason to make out on the floor. You've got so many other places to do it, how do you just ask someone to lay down and make out on the floor?

Of course, you can ask your lover that. Cause it's not a big deal. But he did it without my asking. And then I was thinking on the way over there how cute it is when a guy puts his hand on a girls leg while she's driving. Yeah... he does that. Without my asking.

When I get really horny I also love the idea of being kissed on the collar bone. Which I've never really experienced because guys are stupid and don't ever think to kiss me there. But my skin is really sensitive all over when I'm horny so it turns me on just to run my fingers over my collar bone.

The first night Joe slept over I asked him what his turn ons were and the first thing he said was when someone kissed his collar bone. And naturally he did it to me too. Plus he kisses and bites my neck, and likes it when I do it to him. Plus he opens his mouth really wide when we kiss. Plus he responds to my tongue. Plus he likes my boobs. Plus he likes grinding. Plus he likes kissing from my neck down to my waist.

Honestly, when I thought of making out with him, I thought he would do none of that stuff. I seriously thought that he wouldn't be the type to do any of that stuff. It really shows how much I know. James and Mike were sexy and exciting and I thought they would be sexy and exciting lovers too but they're sooo dull to even just kiss.

Ugh, I miss John a little bit. He's wacko but he was sharp as well as a sexy lover. But he's also crazy and emotionally fucked up, and less attractive, which effects the sex life. Not only because it effects how I feel about him, but because it effects how he feels about himself.

There are things I don't like about Joe. Like, he doesn't have his license yet. He's still in high school. He's not the sharpest tool in the shed. He's predictable. His family seems to be a lower class - which I consider a choice that they make.

But there are too many things that I have asked for so many times, too many things that I expected of James and he didn't fulfill that Joe automatically fulfills. Like heyyyyyyyyyy Joe likes me. He just plain likes me. He completely excepts me and supports me for who I am. And he has no problem expressing that he completely excepts me and supports me for who I am. James didn't even like me. He doesn't even like me enough to be my friend all year round.

Plus, even though James and John both expressed admiration for Isis, they didn't really want to meet her or play with her. When James was around her he couldn't express any emotion towards her, he just sat there and watched her. The first day I hung out with Joe, I brought Isis with me and he was soo great with her. He talked to her, he helped her, he played with her. When she bumped her head and started crying he ran to put his arms around her. Which, don't tell him, actually made her scream all the more because she doesn't like when strangers touch her. But it was the thought that counts.

Iliya was good with Isis too. But he's gone, so let's not talk about how I'd like him to be my boyfriend.

I mean I think of Timmy, and how Timmy flirts with me and it makes me smile and he's sharper than Joe and thus more exciting and interesting. But Timmy would make a horrible boyfriend. He's absolutely self-centered and shallow. Joe is so nice it annoys me. There's this rail that surrounds the parking lot at work. I hop over it, I rather like to because I do it sexy. Joe won't let me climb over it myself, he always has to help me. He really thinks I'm incapable of doing anything. I had to remind him tons today that I was fully capable of taking care of myself.

Today, he gave me a piece of gum and I put the wrapper on the back of the couch. I was kind of annoyed cause I didn't want to go put it in the garbage. And at first Joe didn't pick it up and put it in the garbage, he predictably always does things like that. And I was kind of annoyed that he didn't do it, even though I felt bad because I shouldn't expect him to do all the things I don't like doing just because he's nice. I shouldn't take advantage of that. But two seconds after I had that convo with myself, he grabbed the wrapper and went to the kitchen and put it in the garbage. I had to smile at that.

He's very considerate, helpful, overprotective, sweet.

He brought me a rose the day before yesterday. He got it at school, I don't know why they were selling them. And then he came to work to give it to me.

I love roses. They just smell good. I've never really taken to the romantic notion of giving a girl flowers. But I simply love to get roses. They're beautiful. And the fact that it's such a cliche means that guys have a good excuse not to do it. So they don't. And it's nice that Joe doesn't feel embarrassed or stupid or unmasculine for getting me the rose.

He lets me sit on his lap. He snuggled with me in bed.

HE DREAMS. I can't stand it when guys tell me that they didn't have a dream or they don't remember their dreams. It makes me seriously think that something is wrong with them. I always ask guys what they dreamed about. Every time I ask Joe, he tells me a dream. I woke up a bunch of times this morning and told him my weird dreams and he told me what he dreamt about.

So, get this, my favorite card game is Spite and Malice. I taught it to James the second time we hung out this summer and it gave us an excuse to hang out or we would play online with each other. Yesterday I asked Joe if he knew any card games and he said pretty much nothing but Slap Jack, Go Fish and War, though he said he couldn't remember War but I refreshed his memory.

But then today, we were over at his house and there was this Uno game. It was made by the company but it was called Skip-Bo or something stupid like that. I don't know how they came up with such an extremely dumb game. So I asked him what it was and he starts explaining it and I'm like THAT'S SPITE AND MALICE. Yeah, they totally ripped off the game. They didn't even change any of the rules, except that they have a special SKIP-BO card instead of King being the wild card. And they have the numbers 1-12 instead of Ace-Queen.

His mom loves the game. She was really mad that I won the two times we played. Well, not mad at me cause she likes me. But mad cause she's obsessed with the game. Which is funny, cause I am too, and I go around making everyone play it with me just like she does. So I gave her the website where you can play it online, so that she can play it with the computer any time she wants. She didn't know that it was originally Spite and Malice. I can't believe they ripped off that game and called it something so stupid.

But it was so funny to sit there and play with them. Cause they knew it so well and it was like we were on the same wave length. James was a beginner so I would teach him things that he was lacking. He pretty much lost 95% of the time. So to hear them say the kind of things that I had been telling James, it was just funny.

Joe, of course, sat by me and tried to help me play the game cause he assumed I needed it. Naturally, I didn't.

And yeah, his family smokes. I don't like it. I was disappointed to come home today and realize I smelled like smoke. I intensely Febreezed my jacket. And yeah, their house reflects a particular attitude. Like they don't care about their house. They don't care what it looks like. They don't take any pride or pleasure in making it a clean and beautiful home. And I don't like that. But after I got to know them, I was surprised that I didn't really see that in them.

Especially with his dad. I really liked his dad. He had a very sincere, kind eyes. A sincere and mature expression. He was not the type of guy I would picture in that house. He looked out of place in that house. His mom I could picture in that house though. But they have the exact same van as my parents, so at least they have a nice clean car. And I expected his family to be the same way, and it seemed like most of the women were, but the men weren't. I don't know why. Probably because Joe's dad's brother was a lot like his dad.

He came over and he had been a trucker and had a lot of back problems because of it. So he started giving Joe advice about work, about going into a field that's in demand, instead of a field that had way too many people. And then he said to be honest and to fess up to your mistakes. And it sounds cheesy and oversimplified. Like, duh, be honest. But to have a stand with those morals is important. Because I lot of people don't. A lot of people feel that they SHOULD have those morals. But they don't actually naturally have those morals, they're just fitting into society.

And this was the uncle who they warned me about. They said that he made a lot of jokes and that I should tell them if it made them uncomfortable. But when he was around me he was very serious and sincere. Though he did put chocolate cake on Joe's brother's girlfriend's nose.

One of the aunts I didn't really like. She had a very strong personality and, it's hard to explain what it is I didn't like about it, but it's a type of person I know and have always disliked. But when we left and Joe went to say goodbye, she cut the attitude and the jokes and looked at him very steadily and said for him to say hi to Joe's mom, who didn't come. And that she knew that Joe's mom wasn't feeling well.

And, again, it struck me. The... sincerity. When I think of the stereotypical dirtbag family, they're just gross. They don't care about anything. They're abusive and they drink and smoke and let everything go to waste - their lives, their relationships, their decorum. That's why they're called dirt. Because they're not even good enough to be soil. They're just the waste of life.

And I was afraid his family would be like that. But I honestly felt like they were good people. I came away respecting a few of them.

Even Joe's brother. He's sixteen and he's actually cuter than Joe. :p And it's hard to describe what stereo type he was. It's not like I can classify him as a complete asshole. He just made jokes and he was more outgoing than Joe. In other words, Joe is the nice guy who finishes last. And his brother isn't like that. Joe is Amelia and I'm more like his brother. Everybody thinks that I'm older than Amelia because I'm bolder and more confident. And it may seem like I'm "the bad kid" because I don't act with caution the way Joe and Amelia do.

But even though he crosses the line into the asshole region in a way that Joe is afraid to. Like, Brandon will say things that seem rude. Whereas, Joe just won't even say things he doesn't mean. He won't even joke like that. But Brandon is younger and hasn't had the opportunity to be the older brother, to be mature. Joe fits that overprotective brotherly role and his little brother fits the self-indulgent, bratty, daring child.

But even though he does that, and even though he doesn't express the over the top kindness the way Joe does, he still asked me if I was cold or asked me how I was doing.

He paid me $20 to let him and his girlfriend sit in the back seat of the van cause the seats are connected and they could cuddle. Which is why we wanted to sit back there and we called dibs on the way back, so he offered Joe $40 to let him sit back there. I had gone to find my clip, which Brandon had found for me but lied about having to make me walk all the way to the picnic tables to find it myself. And on the way back we passed eachother and he offered me $20, so I took it. Joe was really mad that I was so easily bought. But I didn't care. Me and him cuddled on the one seat all on our own.

The aunt who I didn't like at first who told Joe that she knew Joe's mom wasn't feeling well also told Joe that he shouldn't fight with his brother (cause everybody knew he was really mad at Brandon for paying me to give up the seat). She said that Joe should be the bigger man and it was also a cliche, in the sense that everybody knows that that's what you're supposed to do. But again, it struck me the sincerity of it. That she honestly believed that it was what you're supposed to do.

And maybe it's also the fact that these people were telling Joe this. Because Joe's the type of person who would actually follow through on this. He's not perfect, but he is very kind and respectful. So I didn't get the feeling that either of them were just making a show of this stuff. I felt like they all meant it.

I don't know if they're good people or not. But I was afraid that they were going to be ten times worse than they are. And even though I liked Mike's family. Even though they were nice. They didn't have this sincerity to them. They weren't abusive in the least bit. But they also weren't sincere. And again, my judgment probably reflects who I know the most in each family. Seeing Joe, and then seeing his family, I can understand how he turned out the way he did. Mike is also like his family. Nice on the outside but slightly mean-spirited on the inside. They weren't sincerely kind all the way to the core. It made me a little intimidated of them, because how things were going on the surface didn't reflect everything there was. And I couldn't feel secure around them because of it.

They weren't horrible people. But one could say that I couldn't really get to know them. Because every time I liked them I felt like it was too good to be true, and thus, wasn't true.

I didn't like being in Joe's house. But both of his parents told me that they really liked me and that I should come over more often. And his brother told me that I was the only one of Joe's girlfriends that he liked. His mom wants to play Skip-Bo with me again and his dad really likes my hair. :) And Joe thinks that us and his brother/girlfriend should double date. Though it's hard to find a day when it's not a school day and me and Joe aren't working.

I was actually really impressed with his brother. His dad is trying to quit smoking and when he lit a cigarette, Brandon completely yelled at him and made him put it out. I loved it. It was so supportive. In fact, as soon as Brandon left, Joe told his dad to hurry and smoke a cigarette before Brandon came back. I was really surprised at that. It seemed totally out of character. In fact, Brandon smokes and Joe doesn't. And Brandon is self-indulgent and Joe isn't. But I also think that Joe is cautious and doesn't have a strong stand for things he believes in. He's very nice and considerate, but his morals aren't very strong. I can see that in his behavior at work. He has no problem giving me free pizza.

Not that any of the other people have a problem with it and I don't have a problem with taking the free pizza or giving out free drinks either. So it doesn't really say much. But I feel like if I bend the rules and I'm talking about it to Joe, he strongly supports my bending of the rules. And I can tell that it's because he's trying to agree with me. Trying to go along with what I believe to support me, even if it's wrong. So he doesn't seem the type to shout out to his dad to stop smoking. Instead, he'll support his dad's wrong behavior so that he doesn't have to contradict him.

Though he did say that he hadn't even realized his dad was on the patch and trying to quit smoking in the first place. And Joe has already told me that he when he started smoking a few years back it was because of peer pressure, and that he also has had problems going along with people telling him what to do, instead of standing up for himself. So he's aware and better now than he was before about this problem.

So, Joe introduced me to his family as his gf. And I preferred it that way because we do make out and he sleeps over and to try to explain to his family that we're close in that sense, but not officially dating is complicated and unnecessary. So it's better to just call me his gf. But then his brother asked how long we were dating and I told him that we weren't technically dating but that Joe calls me his gf and I go along with it.

Though ironically, the girl that Brandon brought along and kissed and cuddled with like me and Joe do, wasn't his gf either. He asked her out today in the car and he said that he was surprised she said yes because she had told him that she had commitment problems.

When we were still at the family reunion, we sat down at the park - me and Joe. And I tried to put into words the situation I was in. I asked him to define "gf" and he said someone you spend time with and make out with and care about. Or something along those lines. Which are all things we do. Companionship. Support. Caring. Affection. Why am I saying no to being his gf when I'm doing all the things a gf already does? And accepting all the things a bf does from him?

But I told him that when I dated Mike, he was like my second skin. And our lives merged way too much. There wasn't a Mike-life and Melissa-life. There was a Mike&Melissa-life. We were M&M. He did it because I was the dominant one and he loved me. I didn't control him, and as soon as he wanted out, we broke up. But I out lives as one, I didn't recognize a distinct life for him. I went everywhere with him. Even in the shower. He hardly spent a day with his mom - who lived in a different town - without me, during those five months. He probably hung out with his friends without me like three times while we were dating and during one of them he called me up and tried to get me to come over cause he missed me.

I didn't force that on him. He wanted it too. But it was an unhealthy attitude that I didn't recognize I had. He did, near the end, even if he didn't consciously identify what it was. We were like a married couple. Because married couples do have a joint life. They have a house together, possessions together, a family together. And the point is that if you have that kind of relationship, one spouse can't do anything that won't affect the other's life. You have to make decisions together because they affect the both of them. And I tried to explain this to Mike, because this is simply how I saw us.

But I realize now that it was because I was having a relationship with my own wants and needs and fears. It was important to me because I was accepting myself through Mike. And that's why I needed to keep the equilibrium. I couldn't let him do whatever he wanted because it affected my homeostasis way too much. The problem was, I didn't know how to love myself without him, so I couldn't keep that homeostasis without working through him.

And I don't want that relationship again. But I've never had anything more. I never dated anyone longer than a couple weeks except Mike. And the guys I've been involved with since then have not been my boyfriend. So I basically did with them what I was doing with Joe - playing along with the motions of a relationship, without the commitment. Without the obligations and expectations.

Which is another thing I told Joe. That as soon as you call me a gf, it means I have to abide by what it means to be a gf. Before today, I had the freedom to do what I want. To flirt with who I wanted. To get involved with who I wanted. To say no to Joe, simply. Because I was not obligated to say yes. I didn't owe him anything.

Of course, because of my guilt, I felt that I did. And thus, didn't say no to him and didn't get involved with anyone else. A couple times people at work told me that Joe was off flirting with some girl just to see if I would get jealous, or just to try to make me mad, to tease me. And I said, I don't care. Cause I didn't want to date Joe and I'd be more than happy if he found someone else and took the pressure off me. But I told them that I wasn't allowed to flirt with a guy. And they were like, why? And I said, because it would hurt him and make him jealous.

And the people in Starbucks who call him My Man and call me His Woman, know that I told him no about dating so they're like, if you aren't his gf you can flirt with whoever you like. And I'm like, I know that I CAN, I just... can't. I can't do that to him. Not that it's been much of a problem, cause I haven't had the opportunity to like anyone else. really.

I like Matt but he doesn't feel that way about me and I can't aim for that. You know? I can't go in it wondering if I mean anything to him. I respect him immensely but he doesn't seem to respect me. Not that he dislikes me, but he doesn't outwardly like me. He doesn't want to plan my party, so he doesn't see any gain in hanging out with me as a friend. And he said that Katie and Martin were his two favorite people in the world. And it's because he sees them as very kind-hearted, innocent people. Which they both are. He always say MELINDA when I come into work. And he answered my texts, and facebook comments. But he doesn't really see anything in me that he particularly likes.

Which I think is silly. Because I think he would respect me a lot if he understood me. But perhaps he doesn't. Perhaps I am too mean. He's seen me fight with other people in Starbucks and he doesn't admire that. And he expresses so many things that I feel on the inside but don't emote, so I see it in him, but he probably doesn't recognize it in me. Most of the things I admire are things that I agree with or share in common with him.

I just realized my dad would love him. I've gotta have Joe meet my parents because they're moving to Washington DC on, like, Thursday. of this week. Two or three days from now. So if they don't meet him now, they probably never will. Not that I really see any gain to it. It just seems like I shouldn't pass up the opportunity. At least they'll know who I'm talking about when I talk about each one to the other.

I'm gonna miss my parents.

By the way, I petted six dogs today. Not kidding. I looooooooooooooove dogs. I petted six dogs today. But they were all small. So I'm not that happy about it. Weird how they were all small. Two of them at Joe's house. Two at the family reunion. And then two at his aunt's house. I don't like small dogs. I want some Saint Bernards and Weimeraners and Doberman Pinchers and Rottweilers. COME ON!

But it was still nice. All the dogs were interesting. Except the silent one at the reunion. He didn't have a lot of personality. I think he didn't have his vocal cords cause he didn't make a single sound the whole time. The other one barked when he wanted food. I walked over to him with an empty plate just to see if it was the smell of food or if he could see us eating food. And he barked because he thought I had food though it was completely empty.

Anyway, it's kind of funny that both of us girlfriends had the same situation. With the affection but no commitment. But I guess we both warmed up to the idea at the reunion. Though she thought it was really boring. Personally, I think she's really boring. :)

I don't know what I'm going to do with Joe. But I was going to do it anyway. You know? I already began the kissing and sleeping over and now I'd met his family. Too far gone to turn back now. He's too attached to me. It would be like breaking up with him anyway, I've already been leading him on way too much. Though I've never said "I love you too" when he says it to me. I can't lie. I don't feel the same way I've felt in the past.

And it sucks extremely. It's like jealousy. Jealousy is a counterproductive emotion. It stems from fear, and thus weakness. It's not something to be encouraged or admired. It doesn't make a healthy relationship. Right? So you would think that to not have jealousy makes a healthy relationship. But when you don't have jealousy, you have to wonder how much you really like the person you're with. It's like the desperation of not losing them, makes you aware that you want to keep them. So you know that they mean something to you.

How can you tell that they mean something to you if you're not desperate for them? Especially in comparison to people you were desperate for? I don't know what a healthy relationship feels like. Because a healthy relationship is absent of all of these unhealthy emotions like jealousy, fear, desperation, possessiveness, lust, need, domination etc etc etc. And all of these emotions, though unhealthy, have given us a standard for what Love feels like. We think that we're in love when we need someone, when we fear losing them, when we're jealous of the people who experience them. But these are not indicators of love. These are indicators of our inability to love ourselves and our desire to find someone else to complete us, to do the work for us, to give us a sense of worth. And that's why we're desperate to find "love".

So what does it mean to have a relationship where you don't have that desire? What does it feel like? I wonder if this is what it feels like with Joe. I can't tell if he's simply not stimulating these unhealthy emotions inside of me, or if those emotions aren't there anymore. I know they were there with James. But this work thing, dealing with my sense of worth and dealing with allowing people to love me, had changed things.

And I feel extremely at ease with Joe. We've honestly known each other for two weeks and I'm so at home with him. Maybe because he's so simple and accepts me so simply, I feel like we don't have spend a lot more time getting to know each other. It's like we don't connect intellectually. But it's so easy to have companionship with him anyway. And I try to think of why it's different than with other people. And I think I just felt guilty for being around other people. Guilty for asking people to like me. Guilty for being me when they didn't like it. Even with Amelia and Loren, not to mention all of my friends.

I couldn't ask them to let me be me. I felt like it was like asking them to loan me a thousand dollars. Just way too much to ask of them. But I do that automatically with Joe. Comfortably. Unabashedly, with no reserves.

When I think of a relationship, I think of this element of desire and adoration. You ADORE the one you love. You fawn over them and desire them and they make you happy to be alive. It's not like that with Joe, for me. It is a bit for him, though.

But there is still some pleasure in spending time with him, in being myself with him, in knowing I have his support and companionship. I love having him at work. He's a friendly face. I know that he's there to text me or talk to me whenever. He's always there to give me a hug. No one at work cares about me like that. And it makes me feel more at ease knowing he's there. Knowing that even if Timmy or Matt don't truly care for me, someone still does. So I can open up more to them, because I've got nothing to lose. I do have something to lose when they can remind me of my loneliness. It hurts to be rejected by them when it's like that. Now I don't have to be afraid that they'll do so. Because I have more than them.

Though I should be able to independently feel this way. But I have been seriously lacking companionship for years. I haven't had a true friend in a long time. I haven't felt like someone liked me in ages. And I needed to be able to feel that way. I can love myself, of course. And I can do that on my own. But I needed to experience the acceptance of others. I needed to know that I wasn't the only one who could possibly love me.

It's interesting though, because the relationships feed off of each other. Like, I get along better with Timmy because I have Joe. Even though Joe isn't around. And the day I made out with Joe, I had been flirting with Timmy all day. So I was warmed by the excitement of that, when I then took it out on Joe. And everybody thinks me and Joe are dating so people have an excuse to talk to me and ask me things. They've got some basis for conversation, in a way that you can't really have with someone you don't know, obviously. And prior to this it was mostly like - oh you hate Bryan, huh? Oh David hates you, huh?

Like everything we had to say about me involved some drama in Starbucks. But now when people talk about me it's a friendly teasing about my hickies from Joe or about the rose Joe gave me or etc. It's positive stuff. Instead of just plain bitching.

They are serious matchmakers at Starbucks though. Every time I mention a single person of the opposite sex someone is ready to hook me up with them. Every two seconds someone is accusing me of being in love with someone else. If I mention Justin they go, OOOOOOOH, you love Justin. They've done it with Iliya, Justin, Matt, Bryan, Joe, Rob and probably Timmy, as well. Possibly John, too.

With Bryan and Justin and John it was like no, No, NO. Absolutely not. But with Iliya, Matt and Rob they were kinda on to something. Rob works at Quiznos but he never worked with me, I always worked 2-10 and he always left right when I got there. But he seems really nice. He's the only one who doesn't seem to inexplicable resent me. People are so sensitive and defensive and needy there. It's intense. They're very defensive, personal and paranoid. And he just simply says hi to me every day with such ease and maturity. It's graceful and amazing. He just looks mature. I should hook up with him. :)

Ugh, I can't say things like that. I'm someone's gf now. Maaaaaan.
:(