So, I realized I needed to release something. And it occurred to me that I needed to let Joe love me. And usually when things occur to me I ask myself if it's not true a second later. I go, Is it true? Is it not true? But this time before I could ask myself if it wasn't true, I got a strong impulse to stick with it. To not doubt it. To not hesitate to believe it.

So I thought that maybe it was that I needed to date him. That I wasn't dating him because I wasn't accepting his love. But I don't think that's it. I think that it makes me feel guilty and obligated when he loves me. Because I feel like I have to earn it. I feel like I have to give him something in return. I feel like IF anyone loved me, they would be doing me a favor, and thus, I would owe them something in return.

But I don't. I don't owe anybody anything. I have given back to Joe with compassion and companionship. But I can't give him a lie. And I don't have to give him the lie just because he wants it. If he doesn't want to give me his love unconditionally, so what? But I shouldn't feel obligated to make his love conditional. I should feel that I deserve unconditional love and anything less won't stand. I'm not going to beg someone for love by trading them conditions.

Everything he's done, I deserve. I shouldn't feel like I don't deserve it, therefore I have to make up for it by giving him something. He gave me a rose yesterday at work. I hated it because it immediately gave me a huge obligation. You can't just receive a rose and not give them something back. It's sad. And I'm like, is there so few guys who will do this that I have to reward the guy who will? But fuck roses. I don't really care about roses. I mean, they're one of my favorite flowers but that's because they're pretty and they smell good, not because they represent undying love. If I wanted a rose, I could buy some for myself. And Josh gave me roses and I didn't feel obligated to give him anything back.

Cause he's a moron.

Anyway, now I can breathe again. My nostril was stuffed up but now it's not. I shouldn't feel obligated to owe Joe anything.

Wow. Owe someone a bucket full of oats and OWE, I just stubbed my toe, are spelled the same. huh...

And if Joe doesn't like it, he'll have to get over it. Because that's not how it works. True love is above all honest. Not illusioned. I can't give him illusions. I have to give him truth. I don't deserve to compromise myself just because he wants me to. That, in exchange for conditional love is absolutely not worth it. I can love myself. I'm trying to, at least. And I don't need someone else to tell me that I'm worthy. In fact, I need to hear it from myself more than anything.

I wish I could just shut out the guilt. Shut out those impulses. Truly believe that I don't have any obligations to him. I feel like I have to ignore reality. But it's not real. It's false. And if he can't uphold God's standard of love, then I owe him nothing. To be fair, I automatically owe human beings compassion. I owe them kindness and respect. And I can give Joe unconditional love. I just can't force myself to want him conditionally. I can't force myself to desire his fulfillment of something I can fulfill all on my own.

God it's cold. I'm going back to my new queen size bed. I hope it's still warm from the last time I was there.