I've been testing my limits a lot lately. My physical limits. Both my physical weakness and my fear. Because I've never worked my body, really. I was active when I was like 9 not since then and I've never been very good at anything. Plus, I had a lot of fear. Like I wouldn't ever jump off of something that everybody else would jump off of. It took me a while to get enough guts to do a flip on the trampoline. I've never been able to do a cartwheel. Last summer I wouldn't do the slip and slide. I fear bodily harm a lot. I won't do something until I'm sure it's safe.

I also fear water. But I decided to get over it. I just don't like turning my back on it at this point. If I can keep my eye on it, it's okay. But if I turn my back, I have the feeling that it's morphed into a great big monster, the size of a tidal wave that will swallow me whole. I guess that speaks of the emotions and their threat. In any case, I did that thing behind the waterfall. And then, again, I climbed up to the waterfall in the Adirondacks a few weeks ago. Plus, I crossed the pond. And then after I'd climbed up to the waterfall, I crossed it. It wasn't at a particularly dangerous part but my ankles were under water and the current was pushing at them. I walked cautiously.

And then the other day I climbed a tree. And it's not like skydiving. What I mean is, it's not about the extreme. It's about being active when I'm usually not. It's about being unafraid when I usually am. It's about enjoying myself instead of sitting around being cautious. I was laying on the tramp and I looked up at the tree and it was so beautiful that I decided to climb it and meet it personally. So I grabbed a ladder to get up the first part of the trunk and I started climbing. My brother grabbed a random branch and pulled himself up and in like 30 seconds he had climbed up to the top. The damn monkey. But I took my time. We cleared away all the dead branches that were entangled in the live ones. I must have spent at least an hour up there and I only went up and down once. So I took my time. I guess I'm not afraid of heights. I never thought I was particularly. But I do get slightly queasy when I look down from a great height. This wasn't such a great height. Near four stories high. Wow, now I'm confused. Stories is the word to use there? I've never seen it spelled before and I can't think of what it refers to.

In any case, I wasn't only a bit afraid because I had climbed a bit but then I was stuck, or rather, I had to take a tiny bit of a risk to pull myself up further. And I happened to be on the wrong side of the trunk, where there were not many branches. So taking the risks kind of made me a little afraid but you get to know the branches and the strength of your arms.

I like doing things barefoot too. Because the last time I went to a waterfall I had to cross a pond first, I took my shoes and socks off. And I didn't bring them with me so I walked up to the waterfall without them and then up the regular hill and across the waterfall all without them. My feet were a bit numb because of the cold water, so the rocks and things didn't exactly bother me. But it did feel really good to put my socks back on. In any case, I climbed the tree with socks on, no shoes. Probably would have been harder with shoes.

I was really in a nature mood. I had been reading a lot of stuff about Taoism and Confusionism because I was about to take my Eastern Philosophy exam. And although it wasn't really about the direct connection to nature, that I felt. I did get a sense of harmony that I associated with nature. And I just wanted to spend time with nature, and it reminded me of the same vibe as Taoism and Confusionism. I mowed the lawn. Me and Isis. I love doing it. I love driving around my back yard, staring at grass. Driving beneath trees.

And the lawn looked so friendly afterwards. Because when it's wild, it doesn't look like it wants you to come on it but when it was cut, it looked very inviting. Amelia was giving Isis piggy back rides around the yard and I did too and I held Isis's hand and had her running about. She, until very recently, would not walk on grass. She has always thought it feels weird. But she's getting used to it so she was barefoot. Well, actually, she was pretty much naked.

We were hanging out with her until we went in the tree and she got bored and went inside to watch Winnie the Pooh.

I like being outside a lot. I used to not like it. I like going out there to read and to sunbathe. I wish I could be topless but I can't. :(

Anyway, I really wish it would warm up. It's been warm but it hasn't been hot and humid and to tell you the truth I freakin miss it. I've been suffering for months here, I don't want to be chilly anymore. It's been pretty cold too, like when it rains. And the sun doesn't come out every day. It's the middle of May!! When does summer begin!

I'm so happy the green is back. That's probably why I feel this reawakening of harmony with nature. I don't feel it during winter. I look at pictures that were taken two or three weeks ago and they're atrocious. Everything is so lovely when the grass is green.

My birthday is three days. But, remember, it's anticlimactic. Loren leaves soon, which sucks because he's the one I do things with. Like waterfalls and shopping and climbing trees. Amelia doesn't do much with me and during the week she has Isis so she does even less. During the weekends she does things with her friends or studies. She studies a lot.

I just have one more exam on Monday but I've already studied for half of it because it was originally supposed to be two weeks ago but he moved it back a couple weeks and added another chapter to it.

I'm glad to be out of school. I'm tired of my spirit being so cooped up. I want to read and write. I haven't had the time. I want the suffering heat.

My sister might move to Pennsylvania or something. Because of her fiance. But she's thinking of leaving the kids in Utah with Evan. Or maybe only taking one kid. :( I wish I didn't like my nephews and nieces so much. If only I liked them as little as I do my cousins.

Lyla took me off her myspace yesterday. I had been thinking about doing it this past week but I didn't feel that it was a good idea. It's better to not talk and pretend that you're not enemies. Cause when you openly say that you don't like each other, it begins to prohibit your actions. You know what I mean? You can't talk to your enemies, look at them, like them, compliment them. You don't want to hear about them. etc etc.

Well I saw her at the library. I was looking at some videos and I turned around to see who was talking to someone and I saw it was Lyla but I had already begun to turn my head back to the videos. I think she was too surprised to say anything.

She shouldn't hate me, as far as I'm concerned. I mean, she said she missed me. We apologized and chatted fine for a few days. Then I told her that I wanted to become friends with John again because I had to face my issues. She said no. I told her that she was being controlling again, just like she had only a day or two before apologized for doing it last summer. She didn't answer the message and we haven't said a thing since. Well, actually, I left a bulletin comment but she didn't reply.

In any case. I don't like her. It's like I wish she was who I want her to be. And then I would like her. But I don't like the reality. She has such a sweet face and this sweetness that I always liked. She talks with a really high voice and says cute things. But she also has this maniacal body of emotion. And she's now a bit crazy. I thought she was rational and smart from the message. And maybe she can be. But it's contrasted by her emotions. She's immensely bitter and resentful. She's always saying things spitefully and sarcastically. She's always crying and bitching. She swears a lot in that way, as in, your words probably wouldn't sound angry so if you put "fucking" in there, that will give it some umph. I've been there before. But swear words always seem so contrived. Like it isn't natural to be saying them, they're just used to get a desired effect. I guess because they're taboo, they're "swear words" and teenagers then use the language to test authority and whatnot. Sometimes you can make it natural. But when you use it every other sentence just to make your sentence sound really mad... it just sounds obnoxiously contrived.

I wish she wasn't spiteful and hateful and emotionally distorted. In fact, I've grown to realize that teenagers really scare me. They are not healthy. Mareena is like a freakin alcoholic. They all smoke pot, drink, smoke cigarettes. They're full of hate. They sleep around. Maybe it was that video that got me started off. But I've realized that teenagers are way out of my control. And not only that, they are not smart or healthy. So the things they do are dumb and unhealthy and there's nothing I can do about it. I've been a rational adult for too long... and I turn 18 in four days.

There is an ocean between me and teenagers. That's just not where my mindset is at. My actions, feelings, thoughts don't reflect that of a teenager. I guess I live a lot in my mind. Traveling over mountains and through valleys and across oceans, all in my mind. I don't make decisions of an adult, I haven't gotten a job yet. I'm not particularly responsible. But my thoughts have leaped over the discoveries that are supposed to be made with time. Time, I don't have much of. Just 225 months. Experience, meh, average, if not less. But wisdom I've got in abundance anyway.

Oh well. John and Lyla are both off my myspace now. Tim won't talk to me, but he's got the same exact birthday as me. Rather interesting. I want to get to know someone who has the same birthday as me.

That guy who gave me the popsicle gave me the sweetest smile the other day in class. We were sitting down for an exam and he walked in and I was the first person he saw and he smiled and then put his head down in a shy way and walked to a seat. It was adorable. I wish I could exchange phone numbers with my eyes.

Speaking of exams though... I studied like mad that entire day. It was intense. I preferred it, really. Because even when I'm not studying for an exam, I'm worrying about it. Because I'm a procrastinator, I put off everything to the last minute and I'm anxious and guilty for doing that for all the minutes before. At least, that's the pattern. In truth, every since I came to college, I realized that the most appropriate time was the last minute. In high school I would procrastinate but then get so overwhelmed that I wouldn't end up doing it and everything would pile up. But in college, I do things the last minute. I don't get all piled up because classes aren't every day one right after the other like in high school. I'm good at doing things last minute. I always get A's, I always do all my work and give more than they expected, because I can't help it.

In any case, I knew that if I had three separate tests on three separate days that I would be anxious for like a week. Thinking about it, worrying about it. It's not something I do obsessively, per se. But it's that habit from high school. I procrastinate, do other things, but I can never escape from the knowledge that I'm avoiding something. I can't ever really put it out of my mind. I periodically remind myself of what needs to be done and feel a drop of guilt that I then push it away until next time. It's just something that hangs over me until it's done. So I would prefer to get them all out of the way on the same day.

Surprisingly, my hand didn't hurt that much. I woke up at 4AM and did the learning objectives for Western Civilization. They're pretty much study guides that go along with the chapters we read. Thankfully, for the final he has less chapters. For the midterm he's got like twelve of them that he covers. But he only had five this time. So I was filling those out all morning. I also read a bit of my Eastern Philosophy book, that's my studying. I had been doing that the Tuesday before, between classes, cause there's a lot to read and I need to give myself time. Last minute won't do. I took a shower with Isis, ate breakfast, got ready, drove to school. Took my Modern Fiction exam. Which wasn't hard at all. She had already given us the questions to look over and prepare for in our minds. Did those essays, left, tried to finish reading my Philosophy Exam.

I left enough to do for the hour and a half between classes that I expected to have. But I couldn't find a place to read and concentrate, I moved like ten times. I finally found one but I still couldn't focus, I wasn't absorbing the information. It was about Buddhism. I had to read it very slowly and had to read the lines like ten times. It was very basic philosophy. What I mean is, Buddha's teachings seem very basic. I admit I haven't payed a lot of attention to his teachings. What I mean is, I talk about him and stuff, but I've never actually explored his teachings. At least not in depth. Like I know the gist of them but I've never explored them. So that was interesting. Learned some things I didn't know. Cause although it was mostly familiar, hearing implicitly what Buddha meant, from this author's words, was novel. He stressed the stuff about "self" a lot, and I hadn't heard it in that light. I realized that it was exactly what I was trying to get across in my philosophy report. Because of the way my teacher taught the idea, with his own conclusions, I had understood it in a different light, and didn't like it. But now I see more clearly what Buddha was trying to get across and I almost completely agree. I like him better than ever.

But I couldn't finish. And I suffered slightly for it. I had to go to class and I took the exam. Wasn't any worse than usual. That is, I always miss a question or two. But I guess and fill in as much as I can. If I had been able to read the chapter on Mahayana, I might have done a little better but I probably got over 90. The whole point of essays, his opinion, is that students should be able to express their ideas and perceptions of the philosophies. Because they aren't facts and they are open to interpretations. So even though we have to be talking about the same thing, our understanding of it can be different and he likes to give us the freedom to do that and get points, rather than spit out some uniform idea. So I'm hoping that I answered all the questions with what he was looking for.

It sucked though, I couldn't remember any of the things on the eightfold path. It's because when I'm put on the spot, my short term memory freezes up. It's really good for tests, as long as I'm relaxed. But I wasn't relaxed because I was anxious that there were questions I couldn't remember and that made me remember even less. It's like, when I recited The Raven last year, even though I was shaking the whole time, I didn't mess up or forget a line at all because The Raven is so ingrained in my memory that I couldn't forget it if I tried. But then I learned another poem that week, and I had only learned it in a few days so it wasn't that familiar to me. Yes, I'd memorized it, but when I got to class I was immensely nervous and I froze up and I just could not, for the life of me, access the words to the poem. They were blocked. If it had been The Raven, I would have been able to access them because they were deeper ingrained in my head. It was the same here. I had only recently reviewed Buddhism and I didn't have the eightfold path memorized so I blanked out. Whereas, I had calmly absorbed Confusionism and Taoism a couple days earlier and I could access it better.

But if you think that's a good reason to study earlier, you're wrong. I have to study last minute and last minute only. Eastern Philosophy interests me, that's why I absorbed it. But I don't like to absorb too much, I block it out of my long term memory. I hate being stuffed with facts and information. I'm like Sherlock Holmes. If I know too much, I won't be able to know anything well enough. But if I focus on what I need to focus on, I'll be able to do it ten times better than if I was overloaded with other junk. So I study last minute so that I can put all the exam information into my short term, use it, forget it and I've got an A. I wouldn't get an A if I tried to put it into my long term. If I took test over again, even the same damn test, within the week after I'd gotten an A on it. I would not remember the answers. Sometimes we review the exam and some of the questions I know, but mostly, the information is gibberish to me. It's hard for me to do that, though. I need to examine a question freshly, but if I've seen it before, my mind will be trying to figure out what I said last time and if I got it right or wrong, so I'll get confused and messed up. I have to be able to freshly examine the question and work with the first association that comes to mind. As they say, it's usually the right one. When your mind kicks in with doubt and interpretation and rationalization, you get wayward.

In any case... I kept writing my Buddhist answer, trying to wing it, but then the pathways opened up and I could remember what they were about. We only needed to discuss four anyway. I was in such a hurry though. Such a freakin scurry. Cause we don't have a lot of time. And I usually finish just barely. Cause I can ramble on and on in essay questions. So, actually, I finished five minutes before class ended. The last three times I've taken a test for Tao, I was the very last person finished. This time everyone seemed to be taking their time. We have a lot of questions for such a short period of time, he should realize that. So I left a couple blank, one that I should have been able to answer cause it was an obvious question, too obvious that I didn't think I had the right answer. But that wasn't a lot of points and I did the bonus.

Then I had to leave and scurry to finish studying for Western Civilization. I had one more chapter to do, that I'd purposely left for the hour before class. But it was boring and my mind had been so damn overwhelmed, absorbing history and working through philosophy, plus the first exam in Modern Fiction. It was like 11 hours of full studying and thinking. I sometimes don't have breakfast or lunch and I'm gone until six, but this time I'd had breakfast and lunch and I still had stomach pains. I usually only have them at like 5. But I had them early in the morning, then later in the morning, then in the afternoon and then again before my last exam. Which, to me, means that my brain was working hard and needed a lot of protein. So, 15 minutes before class I just decided to stop and take a walk and relax my brain so that I would be clearheaded and ready to take the exam. I decided that I couldn't afford to rush through the M.C. exams like I usually do because I love to be the first one done... that I would take my time and answer each question carefully.

So I walked around, no more cramming. And the test went really well. To me a test is always easy because I always go to classes, do my homework and study. Although I try not to absorb too much of the information during the semester, when it comes time for classes, I'm really good at taking it all in and I spent an appropriate amount of time studying for it. So I usually get A's and if I can't get an A, it usually means that the teacher made the test hard. Or you could look at it that all the other teachers give way too easy tests and this one teacher gives appropriate tests. I'm not sure how hard tests should be. In any case, this test was good. I had studied all morning, I knew the information, the test tested me on this information. During the midterm, a few of the questions were a little too random. I think I got eight questions wrong but the thing is, he only gave us like 40 questions. It's better to give the students more questions so that the 20 chapters they studied can be put to good use and they have a better chance of getting questions right, rather than screwing up a few and those questions being worth so much. It's just better probability with more questions.

He gave us 48 this time and the questions were spot on, I mean, they were exactly what I had been studying, no vagueness. So I did every question one by one, carefully, slowly. And I felt that rush that I get when I want to finish first. It tried to swallow me up and to carry me along, give me momentum but I pushed it away and went slowly. Ironically, though, I finished first anyway. :) I mean, I only had to hesitate on like two of them cause I knew all the rest so it obviously went fast. But I let my mind process the questions, instead of rushing myself. And I guess I was rewarded for it anyway. I got 182 out of 200. I don't know what that means. Puh. He takes like 35 questions and turns it into a score out of 200. I don't know how. I guess he x it by four... In any case, he does have a letter grade comparison, but only for the 400 grade. So there's 200 for the midterm and 200 for the final and you can't know what letter grade those are, I tried to do the math but it wasn't working, you'd think you could split it in half. Anyway, I can know the letter grade for the whole thing, it's an A- between the two. However, he promised that if we did better on the final, he would double that grade so that the midterm was replaced with the score from the final. Which will give me an A. So I'm hoping he'll make good his promise. :)

I put that I didn't want to have my philosophy report returned to me because I would have to drive to the school and pick it up next Thursday or something and last time, he asked to keep it so I just looked at the A on the paper and he said how much he liked it. I was torn between wanting to discuss it with him and just assuming I got an A. I mean, I know I got an A because I know how he grades. He's not strict about it, as long as you develop your ideas fully and they relate to philosophy. I don't even need to make sure I've done that. Of course I have. So although I'd like to hear what he thinks, and I'd like to give him the opportunity to tell me his thoughts on my paper, I said no, that I wouldn't be coming to the school to pick it up. So I'll probably never see him again. I kind of felt that way with Longley too. I'll probably never see her again. I don't know if I'll be taking my final semester at this school. I could email Longley though... or visit her if I wanted.

I also had to say goodbye to Carito. But I didn't want it to be awkward. I don't know her as well as the others but I did want to say thank you. However, I had to return a paper the next day and I had Amelia put it in her mailbox and I wrote her a note saying thanks for a great class. But these teachers who have discussed with me who I am, recognized it at least, and discussed with me my options for the future... I feel like I have a connection with them and it's rude to just disappear on them. I mean, I know that the semester is over but I feel like I should have given them a proper goodbye, but I couldn't because the rest of the class was still taking tests. So, I don't feel that I got closure.

In any case... I'm feeling kind of lonely. My social options are dwindling further down. I may meet people if I get a job, which I most likely will now that it's the summer. o.O

I'm glad I have Kristen. I kind of want to date her. I know it sounds a little weird, that I want to date her not because I romantically love her. I do care for her a lot and I love her dearly, and it's not like I have trouble being attracted to girls. Who can say what kind of love I should have for her, in order to want to date her. But I just feel like I can't be certain that she'll give me attention, and if we were dating, then I could guarantee she would give me attention. I know, it sounds a little pathetic written out like that. But I guess you could say that I want to be closer to her. It's as simple as that. And when we were dating, we had a tie that binded us, even though we weren't that serious. So although I won't ask her, I'm feeling kind of nostalgic for that tie. I want a tie to anybody, but I don't have anything.

Loren probably won't come back so I guess I'm feeling that loss. He's my brother, but this is the most time I've spent with him in my entire life. In fact, those two weeks last summer were the most I'd spent with him my entire life until now. So even brother-sister bonds don't keep me tied together with people. Friendships drift. I haven't had anything near a boyfriend for three years, except Dan. And Dan hasn't been part of my life. He's given me companionship but I don't live my life with him, he's not involved in anything but discussion. I need someone in my life. Someone who isn't so controversial. Someone who is compatible with me. Part of the problem is my estrangement from teenagers. And my mindset, I guess, my consciousness.

I don't seem to belong with anyone. The people who have relationships need them to work through their psychology. I don't, and I don't want to be with anyone who does. I don't know if relationships can be any other thing. My parents have gotten past that but they were married previously and they aren't that in love. I guess I'm torn between wanting the love that I know I don't want. My parents have a mature love, but it's not what I want, even though it's what I have for Dan. But at least my parents have a life with each other. And even though I would be a little bit more attached and fond of who I was married to, I would at least have someone. I don't now. *sigh*.

So, I guess I'll write an entry. But let me tell you that this is taking away from valuable time in studying. I have three exams today. One of them is three essays and I've seen all the questions. It shouldn't be too hard because it mirrors reoccurring themes that we've dealt with all semester. Then an hour and a half after that I have to do like ten more essay questions and some matching and definitions for philosophy. Let me tell you, the biggest worry I have is that my hand is going to be aching. It hurts already just from writing down my damn study questions for the third exam I'm going to be taking, which is all M.C.

I'm a little worried about his questions because he tends to be randomly specific. Like instead of asking questions that speak to the general themes, facts and ideas, he takes very zooms in to one specific detail and asks a question about it. I studied like three or four hours for the last exam, and I did it right before class so it was all fresh in my mind. But I got like 8 wrong and he only had like 40 questions. I suppose I got a B, which isn't bad. But if you think about all the A's that I frequently get, it means that my potential and dedication, which most always get me an A, couldn't. And that tells me not that I suck at history, but that his questions are too particular. I wish I had realized this before this morning and could have told him, cause now it's too late.

So I could have been studying all day yesterday. I tried a little bit. I woke up at like 8 in the morning, even though I hadn't had a lot of sleep. I set my alarm specifically so I could read over my final draft of my Creative Writing story, print it out, and give it to Amelia to drop off in my professor's mailbox. I don't go to school at all on Wed and I had forgotten the copy at home when I went to class for the last time on Tuesday. Kind of sad, she was one of my favorite teachers. There was just something so neutral about her. And that kept me from resenting or loving her. I guess I just liked her passion for writing and writing topics and her advice was good, even though I independently have thought of some of the things already. I'm always happy when teachers are sharing with others good advice.

I've felt in all of my classes that the teachers weren't good enough. Well, mostly just philosophy and psychology. Surprisingly, Botsford was a really good teacher. And he did will after the midterm to concentrate on the objectives, be focused on exactly what he wanted us to learn. He also gets to the heart of history. He's kind of weird but I can admire him for just taking a peek underneath the basic facts. I'm used to pretty much living under the surface (in my head, I guess) but I can still admire his ideas and values. And Longley, of course, is a good teacher. She discusses a lot of good themes and ideas in the stories we read. Of course, I hated every single damn book and short story we read so that takes away from my appreciation for her teaching methods.

But I always felt that Kropp and Teo were lacking. It's hard to explain. With Kropp, there's something very superficial about him. He's very funny and entertaining and nice but as a teacher, he really really really skims the surface of psychology. I think he's lacking a lot. And I often feel sorry for the class, because of what they're missing. I just hope that they're independent learners like I am and can learn from the text when not from the professor.

With Teo it's not so much about superficiality. One thing he does is tell philosophy in more historical perspectives. He likes to say how things were and are and he likes to sum up their philosophies and compare. So he likes to say that one was theistic and one was polytheistic. But despite all of the labels, there is so much depth to the philosophies that I enjoy learning about - but he doesn't touch on. I think instead of getting an overview, I want to discuss philosophies in depth. Although, my class would probably not be receptive, because it seems to be over their heads as it is. Yes, now I've boasted twice about my abilities in psychology and philosophy. I can understand a lot and I'm good with concepts. I like to explore the depths, it's my passion. I immensely enjoyed reading my philosophy text book, but I found the classes to be a little too glazed from the real depth of the philosophies. There were too many classifications and you can't really classify all the contributions and changes of philosophy to any one system. There are many with varying degrees and different people guiding them in different directions over the years. It's not accurate to sum them all up in a few small ideas.

But I didn't feel that way with Creative Writing. Carito gave really good assignments, opportunities to read and share ideas, fun experiments in class with writing. And she shared a lot of articles and stories or poems with us - even though I may not have liked all of them. She also, as I said, gave good ideas as to how to make writing better. Things that I wish other people understood independently but if they don't, I'm glad that there's a teacher out there steering them in these directions. She didn't need to tell me to use a thesaurus, but I suppose I'll have to admit that she strengthened my view on writing, especially how professionals write and what considerations they have. It's good to form a solid foundation for writing, and a solid perspective on what the options are and what standards there are as well.

Plus I really liked her personality. Well, that's the thing. I didn't love her, so I wasn't disappointed with her. The ups and downs that I usually have with professors was absent from our classes. I was open with her and the little class in the closet-size room in a very, well... I guess you could say that it comes from sharing my writing. In a nonintellectual way. I usually volunteer my analyzes of all the topics and I suppose I feel superior but also estranged from the rest of the class, when I see things that they don't. And I don't like it, I try not to be too controversial. I don't want to be too revolutionary or conflict with the traditional ideas. Because it would honestly seem to be a critical analysis of the basic roots that make up the classrooms. In my head I'm throwing out all the basis for the systems of science, history, psychology and modern fiction :p.

But in Creative Writing, it was just about sharing ideas and it was very mellow and friendly. Some of the other work was fun to listen to and I liked it when they enjoyed my pieces too. I liked having opportunities to explore my creative talent. I usually don't make myself do those things. You know? I write journal entries and I write very intellectual reports. It's very intense. But then there was creative writing and that wasn't intense, it was simple and light-hearted. But interesting too.

Anyway, I'm running out of the allotted time I gave myself to write in here. I can't believe I always do this. I sit around thinking of things until I realize I've got something worth putting into my blog. Then I sit down and I get on a tangent and I never end up writing about my thoughts. The stuff that doesn't go through my head seems to come out in my blog entries, and through that is self-discovery, of course.

I really should have studied yesterday. But I enjoyed the day anyway. On Tuesday I had a lot of extra time to read and study, but it was cold inside so I went to sit in my car. I can stretch my legs all the way across the driver's seat and passenger seat and put my feet on the opposite windowsill, and my hair was hanging out to the window. It was warm but the open windows gave good air circulation so it was comfortable. One of the guys from my Western Civilization class passed my car and went to his and left, but came back like ten or twenty minutes later. And as he walked back to the school he passed my car and then turned around and came over to the window and said, Melissa, right? And then told me that he had bought me a sugarfree popsicle. I said, Oh, you did? or something in a sarcastic tone because I wasn't sure if he had been at the story and thought of me and bought it FOR ME, or if he simply had an extra one and didn't have anything to do with it except let it melt so he decided to give it to me. I don't know, but he told me it was because it was hot outside and I was very beautiful. :)

It was kind of sweet. I haven't gotten a lot of compliments lately. I wear a lot of skirts and boots and sassy outfits but I never get compliments and it becomes a statement that I'm merely me, instead of whatever label you want to give me. I don't walk around presuming people think I'm beautiful, I just walk around trying to look as beautiful as I am, whatever that means for other people. I like to reach my potential so that I'm confident and comfortable. It made me a little insecure to hear him say I was beautiful because then I had an expectation to fulfill and all the sudden my flaws threaten that. Whereas if I'm simply who I am, whatever the after-labels, it doesn't matter about my flaws because that's simply my potential and either you appreciate it or you don't.

But I still liked being called beautiful. He's pretty hot, although I don't like that he bleached his hair. He's talked to me before too, but it was only when he was skipping the midterm exam and hanging out in the parking lot and I came out 15 minutes later and he wondered if it was canceled but I told him I was simply done.

Anyway, I have noticed that the reason I haven't been writing in my blog is also because I haven't given myself the free time to do so. I wake up and either play with Isis or go to school. I then play with Isis until she goes to bed and then I hang out with Loren. Either we play a game or we watch a movie. I originally did surveys while watching the movie but I gave up on those and I can't do a blog while I'm watching a movie and hanging out with Loren. Almost every single night that we do it, I fall asleep. So I'm not up late waiting to have the free time to do it. And a movie is always playing so I can't concentrate on something else. It's almost a bother, but we've gotten into a routine. Honestly, he's watched a lot more stuff than I have during these nights because I always fall asleep. And then the next night, instead of repeating what I had missed but he'd watched, we start something anew, to which I ignore because I'm falling asleep again. So I have to catch up on the stuff that I've missed and it keeps collecting.

I guess I have to go back and study some more. I really have a lot of studying to do and it would not be prudent of me to avoid studying this morning to tell you all about my exciting day yesterday while I was then avoiding studying. So since I played yesterday, I'll have to work this morning and I can tell about yesterday later tonight or something..

What was that car doing sitting in my driveway blasting bumpy music? I don't know, it seems to be a friend of Amelia's.

So, I'm officially done with all my reports and things for school. Load off my shoulders. Actually, now that I think about it, I have to do a little editing on my draft for Creative Writing tomorrow. Damn. But the hardest part is out of the way and she said she liked it the way it was so I needn't go out of my way for her. I have 4 exams though. Three this Thursday, all piled on the same day. But I don't mind, really.

Then next Monday. When I have my damn court date for the ticket, too.

My dad was driving the opposite direction while I was driving to school and he said I came barreling around the corner at 90mph. I saw him but didn't recognize him cause he was driving the van and he usually doesn't. However, in my defense, I knew what I was doing. I was hugging the corner in a way that most people in the car would be like WHOA... but the speedlimit was 55mph and I was probably going 45-50mph, since I was holding down the breaks while I went around the corner. I really can't slow down too much or my car will die! It did like four times today. Plus, I was late for class...

So, Isis says "Autie." I'm forgetting the 'n' on purpose. She doesn't say it a lot. Just when I'm somewhere around the house and she wants me and she says AUTIEE! Today Amelia's cell rang and Isis covered her ears and said "MO." Mo means no, of course. And it probably meant that she didn't want Amelia to answer and start chatting on the phone and ignoring her.

Amelia is going on vacation to Florida, I told her I would take care of Isis all damn week. I don't want Anthony to have her.

Loren has purchased his ticket to England and he's purchasing other plane tickets and bus tickets and train tickets and etc to all the other countries he's got on his list. He leaves in a couple weeks and he says that when he comes back he'll go back to Utah and stay with Tristan.

I enjoy his company, I suppose. Not really a connection, per se. It's not that we have fun, but I like him there. I take him with me shopping or wherever and we watch movies. The only thing I hate is that he doesn't mind hurting me. If I slap him, he slaps me back. And I happen to slap him a lot. The other day we wrestled. None of that playful erotic wrestling on the bed, this was on the tramp and we weren't playing nice or fair. Surprisingly there were no lasting damages to my body. No bruises even. He probably went easy on me, although they did hurt for the time.

Tijana is getting married, I guess, so she probably will move out. My parents are gung ho, if that's how you spell it, to move to Virginia. But they'll probably wait a year, maybe next summer. Amelia will be done with school by then and she really needs the help with my mom babysitting Isis.

Amelia and I talked about moving in together after mom and dad leave. Cause I don't want to go to Virginia. I don't know where I'll be when I move out on my own. Sometimes I feel like living on my own as an adult is familiar. I know I've done it in other lifetimes and I've seen sooooooooo many movies and read so many books. It's like I've experienced it already, it hangs around me like a memory, so familiar. But then I crash into cold, hard reality and I'm like, wait, I haven't been on my own.

It's not so much scary as it's simply empty. I don't know who I'll be as an adult. I don't know what kind of life I'll have, what job I'll have, what apartment I'll have, what boyfriend I'll have. I've never been a Melissa-adult before and I just can't imagine what it's going to be like.

I don't really know how to communicate things to Dan. One, because he doesn't quite listen. Two, because he doesn't quite understand. And three, because it just hurts his feelings.

Truth of the matter is, the major reason why I don't want to get involved with him any further than it is is because it'll be unhealthy for him. I don't know how to say this without making it seem a bit conceited. It's not about how he feels about me, per se. It's not about me, it's about how he feels about himself and how he shapes his relationships to fulfill something that he can't fulfill himself. Something he could fulfill if things changed but that he, at least, feels he can't. And it's completely unhealthy, I refuse to fill that void. I can't condone those feelings.

And he ignores me when I discourage him. I don't want to be mean, and I don't want to make him sad. I don't want to have to reject him. I just want him to understand that I have no intent in advancing his unhealthy behavior. If he wants someone to fulfill him (of course they can't, but he thinks they will) he'll just have to find someone else.

I wear the ring on my right finger, not my left.

Hmm. April 11th was the last time I wrote. Kind of strange... but as I said before, it's just because I've found so many alternate avenues to express myself. But right now I don't have much of an avenue. I've just been writing a memo for psychology on a video we saw about um, a bunch of teenagers who liked to have orgies. It was a mess of a situation. And then I wrote a bit for my book. But watching that video and realizing the mechanical lifestyle they had, made me glad for the tender memories I have from my past.

Although I don't usually value them daily, I am very happy to have that intimacy and tenderness between friends and lovers. I'm nostalgic for the warmth of the experiences. But I'm not just missing them, I'm happy to know that they exist in my past, that my past is not the same as the teenagers from the video. And I'm eager to have new experiences... I just want to kiss somebody. Somebody who I feel tenderly for.

Which brings me to John, not that I care for him tenderly, but tenderness reminds me of him because he's so damn endearing. I don't particularly like much about him, not to be spiteful or resentful - it's just the simple truth that I'm not attracted to very much, I dislike or disagree with most of his behavior and beliefs. Except for when they're infused with that tenderness that just speaks to me. It just latches on to my heart.

I hesitate to say sweetness, because in my experience, sweetness has been false sentimentality. Or sentimentality that turned out to be false, in any case. But this is not sentimental, it's just tender. It's just something that I'm warmed by witnessing and soothed by participating in. It's drawn me to him ever since the very first conversation on aim.

I think I'm attracted to the idea that he feels tenderly for me. His emotions are not stable, but it's not really about his emotions. It's just about that tender quality. I don't even want to describe it because describing the actions won't describe the sense of it, the tenderness that can only be experienced not explained.

I've said a lot of things about John in the past, and I've given a lot of reasons or justifications as to why I was attracted to him. I haven't wanted to date him. I did, before I really knew him. But I haven't wanted to date him since. But when he was interested in me, there was just something that grasped my focus, and I didn't want to pass up the opportunity to experience it. And it wasn't attention or sentimentality or sex. It was just that tenderness. As sweet as when Isis hugs me, only John is conscious of his actions so they're infused with intent where Isis is missing it.

What I'm trying to say is, I don't want John, but he seems to be the only one with that tenderness. I don't know where else to get it. It doesn't seem ideal, intellectually or spiritually. I don't really know what it has any value for me. But there's something soothing about it. I think it's not even wrought with emotions, per se. Emotions usually stem from an analysis and a conclusion, sentimentality associated with situations and people. It's so drawn out like a map, identified. It's about purpose.

Perhaps tenderness surpasses emotion. Because emotion is based on conclusions but tenderness is based on something you simply accept and feel for because of it. For instance, Dan always makes a big deal about his love for me. It's a serious issue, seemingly. But it's based on conclusions, so I suppose if the circumstances changed, he may not want to be with me as much.

Truthfully, the circumstances have already changed for me. There isn't a necessity for Dan in my life. I can live without him. It doesn't mean I don't love him, because it's not longer an emotion based on a conclusion for me to love him. It's not about what situation I desire to experience. It's just a tenderness that I feel for him sort of independent and unconditional of the realistic circumstances. I don't feel tenderly for him, because I want to have his babies, or I want to spend every moment with him. It used to be that way, more directly tied to my emotions and my needs and wants.

But now it's just something I've accepted as a sort of unconditional fact. I just feel tenderly for him. The moment is not worth anything because of it's emotional ramifications. It's just a loving tenderness that is expressed in the moment, but largely independent from reality.

I didn't care about John in the larger sense. But I wouldn't trade holding hands with him while I drove him home for anything. It was just a tender moment. It wasn't like, I LOVE YOU, YOU MEAN THE WORLD TO ME, NEVER LEAVE ME! It was just a, granted, expressed but simple tenderness that meant something for the moment itself.

I like those tender moments. As I said, they soothe me.

I don't want to be alone this summer.

It's a good thing, you know, that I don't write in here as much. Because my blog is, for me, a communicational outlet. I can say what I want. When I need to say it. It feels like I'm talking to someone, but I'm really not, and that's why I don't need to worry about them. Just about me, and that's the point. To worry about yourself when you need to.

But perhaps I've gotten more communicative. I think, in the past, I may have shared things with other people, but it wasn't enough. I still felt like I hadn't told who needed to be told. Like if you tell your teacher that you're pregnant but you really feel it's more important to tell your sister, so you're unsatisfied until you've shared the news with her. My journal was always the person I NEEDED to tell, and I was unsatisfied until I did that. Partly, perhaps, because of the people who read it. In this past year it was definitely Dan. I told Dan everything, through my blogs. Because I felt that he was the one person who could understand me.

But I don't communicate with Dan very much anymore. Hard to say when that happened. Probably over the summer when we split a little bit. We aren't as close when I'm doing the "platonic" thing. He's not as close to me, anyway. And then when we're not doing the platonic thing, all we seem to be doing is talking about relationship things. Like love, sex, affection. I guess it's the texts, because you can't say more than 160 characters. Do you know how much that is?

"taught myself today and I realized that the fingerings are very similar to the flute so it became familiar and automatic quickly. just a few new things to learn"
That's my last 160 text message. Imagine if every blog could only be 160 characters, where would I get myself? We've gotten into this miniature communicative thing, where we talk but we say only the minimum.

So I feel distanced from him, in that sense, and therefore I don't crave sharing things with him the way I used to, the way I did with my blog. It just doesn't feel like we're connecting the way we did over the summer.

And I've learned to be satisfied sharing things with my dad, even my mom, Amelia, Loren, professors, Tijana sometimes. (I figured I'd spell her name right for the first time ever.)

I've also learned to be satisfied with internalizing things. Probably because there was a part of myself that was extended through my writing, and I've learned to get in touch with that part of me more and more on my own.

But despite all that, I really do regret not sharing some of the major things with you. Like the small car accident I had, although I'll probably always remember that. And what about seeing Mike the other day? Loren and I went to Walmart and low and behold, there was Mike. Shocked me at first and I hid behind a thing before he could see me. We were walking to the checkout lines anyway, so we snuck in one of the lanes, if that's the word, and started checking out.

But it was late so there were only a few lanes open, so Mike checked out on the one next to ours and by the time we got to the bag end we could see each other and he saw me. I don't think he saw me when I first saw him, and I hadn't noticed him again until he'd seen me, so we both had time to react privately. He did try to make eye contact with me and I gave him an awkward smile, cause what could I do? I didn't want to be hostile, but I couldn't do much else.

As much as I was shocked in the first place, after we'd seen each other, it felt really normal. Partly because, although I haven't seen him physically in a year and a half, not a single glance anywhere, and all that time I didn't know what he looked like, what style had changed or hair color or whatever it may be. That was not a good sentence, but anyway, partly because despite that fact, just recently he added me to myspace. So I saw his profile for the first time in a year and a half.

And therefore, his pictures for the first time in a year and a half. And although I only looked at a few, I knew the jacket he kept wearing, the checkered one. The one he was wearing at the store. So it was like there was a familiar element, I knew that his hair was pretty short, another familiar element. I hadn't seen the girl, and, in fact, I didn't look at who he was with once, even though in my peripheral vision, I knew he was with someone. I assumed a girl, but I honestly didn't see.

In any case, he's also familiar to me because we dated. So I'd grown into the reality of not seeing him around town and the like. And that was reality. But as soon as the new reality set in, seeing him again, I adjusted very quickly because of familiarizing myself with him recently on myspace - even though we haven't talked very much, it's been enough. And also, having old memories of who he is and what he's like. It was a mix, of feeling that strong familiarity, as well as, having an impression of who he has become to be - what his lifestyle now is, the friends he has, his Catskill life.

It seems like I'm overanalyzing, but although I told people of seeing him, I didn't go into this detail. But, it's what I've been thinking so I've got to get it out so I can stop reminding myself of it.

Truthfully, I was only really shocked because I had a zit. Yeah, I'm serious, some zits are okay but when they're in particular spots on my face, it makes me self-conscious all day long. I had just come from Psychology and I had thought of it every single time someone looked at me, seriously. So the very first thing I thought of when I saw him down the way, in Walmart, was the damn zit. I didn't want him to see me unless I looked my best. And I even told Loren, "damn, and I was going to look hot today, but I decided not to." I was going to wear my hair down, but I was too lazy to wash it, since I was busy convincing Loren to come with me to the school and hang out in the library so we could go to walmart straight from class.

So Loren and I checked out and left, we walked to my car and packed all the groceries away, there were quite a few. And Mike came out. I think he wanted to catch up with me. I don't want to sound presumptuous, I don't know why he wanted to but his body language sort of suggested that he was eager to get out to the parking lot. Whereas, when I saw him coming my way, my first impulse was to stay outside of the car, waiting for Loren to come back from putting the cart away, but I realized that in any other circumstance I would just get in.

So I did, even though I kind of wanted to see Mike. But Mike walked fast, and he came to the car in front of us, a really hot yellow car, and Loren and I laughed at if it was his. He had paused in front of the driver's door and then he turned to wait for his friend to catch up. Then he finished walking to his car which was on the left of me. (incidentally, not as hot as the yellow one, who Loren says was owned by 'the fat chick') So Mike made eye contact with me again, but I was talking with Loren, so I appeared nonchalant. Even though we were talking about him. :)

I'm glad I appeared nonchalant. It helps when you're with someone. So I drove away and left him there. And we didn't say a word to each other, nor have we on myspace about it.

Loren and I both remarked that he was probably wondering who I was with, my new boyfriend or something. Although, in the checkout line, it might not have seemed like Loren was with me because he had a few things that he paid for on his own, after I was done. In any case, I don't think my brother is very hot, so although I'm not afraid that Mike will misconceive that Loren is my boyfriend, I don't actually prefer that he thinks that Loren is a love interest, cause I wouldn't be particularly proud of him. No offense to Loren's looks. It's a good thing that I don't find him attractive. He's alright, he's just very tall and gawky, or something. (and Mike might have seen pics online that said that Loren was my brother, if he paid attention anyway.)

So that's my story. I'm not ashamed of my car either, cause I've also put pics of it on myspace for a short time, Mike may not have seen, who can really say how much he pays attention. But if he had, he would have known. I'm a little proud that I paid for myself (although I was two dollars over, $84 and I only had $82, so I borrowed $2 from Loren. :) And that I drove myself, even though I felt I came out of the parking spot too reckless and I was glad that I didn't slam into somebody's car or something, cause that would have been embarrassing.

I'm just ashamed of the zit, really. :) But he didn't get close enough to see it. :):) That's just one of those things, you need your exboyfriend to see you and, at least, not say to himself "she's not looking so good." Even though looks aren't everything. It's really a silly thing anyway.

If it's true, that's fine. But if it's not true, if I really do have a zit, I may as well accept it and find a way to be confident despite the fact. But, please, let's just not have zits at all. Cause I really don't like them, on my upper lip anyway. Right below my nose. That's the one place I really don't like them. Most everywhere else, if they're not huge, I don't mind them. Also don't like them on my neck. I just find them most unattractive in both of those places...


I'm sad that I haven't been sharing all my crazy dreams lately. :( Ones about flying and James and Tim and Mike and Isis and I can't remember what else because I didn't write them down and I forgot them.

I don't really have much to say on this subject, but, in the spirit of telling my blog big things, I may as well say that I'm considering dropping out of college. If you wanna know what brought it up, I asked my mom to ask my higher self what to do my psychology report on, because I felt so limited and I wanted something sensible that I could work with.

Well, my higher self gave me Astrology. Astrology? Yeah, if you think about it as my mom explained it: the planets pull on a child magnetically over their lifetime and affect their development. My class is Child Development. I don't know a lot about how astrology works, but that would be a major affect on their development. Not any of this nature, nurture bullshit. (hate that debate, cause both options suck) If you understood how the planets were magnetically affecting your child's development, you wouldn't clash with that, you wouldn't try to make them conform to your standards because you would understand what they need, when they need it.

But it's not a science, therefore psychology will ignore it. How could I write my report on that? No way. But I realized that I expected my higher self to give me a sensible, practical topic for psychology. But why would it? I mean, my higher self is infinite, it's beyond the laws of our society. Why should it conform to the standards that my psychology professor or the psychology profession puts on it?? Exactly, it didn't. If you asked my higher self its opinion on what topic is important in child development, it would say astrology. At least that is one important topic. And that's that.

So why am I limiting myself just to fit in their small box mindset? Why should I adhere to the rules of their limited perspective? What would be the point? I'm I trying to earn their validation? No. Am I trying to earn their respect? Well, I thought I was, but no, I've decided I'm not. Am I trying to earn their labels? No, who cares about what kind of labels they give me.

As I told my dad the other day, I feel, when I'm in class, that I'm up against psychologists. Truth be told, scientists in particular, but people in general really, will not see what they don't want to see. You can't force someone to. We know that the mind has a powerful denial ability. Serious denial. You think you can give someone evidence and prove to them the truth, but evidence doesn't even do that because it's the connections, it's the logic, it's the conclusions that make sense and relevance to evidence - and those are all done by humans. I can't force someone to believe in what I believe in. I can't force someone to see the truth the way I see it, with the same relevance.

Nor, should I always. I won't admit that they're right to believe what they believe. They are ignoring truth. But I will allow them the freedom to ignore truth. Perhaps they won't have it forever, that's not my decision to make. But they have it now, and I can't take that away from them, nor should I try. And it's freakin futile anyway. I CAN'T take that away from them, so why try? Why try to convince them of such a thing?

Truth be told, I want to speak to the people. Not the scientists. But the people who want to learn about themselves. Not the psychologists who want to study the psyche in an objective way, not the psychologists who don't even want to study themselves, really, they want to study other people. No, I want to talk to the people who want to learn about themselves, who want to grow purposefully.

I feel like I won't be doing that if I'm in the field of psychology. I don't want to deal with the people who are going to psychologists, because I don't really think psychologists can help them. Especially because they reinforce the notion that people NEED other people to solve their problems, dependency. And this is something that my psychology textbook has acknowledged. It's unhealthy to teach people to be dependent on a professional.

I will admit that a lot of my perspective on psychology and psychologists comes from my psychology teacher. There have, in fact, been moments of truth in psychology. Clarification that I find delightful, even though it's small and rare. But the truth is, all the major theories are just simply lacking. I look at the theories and I'm not satisfied with any of them, they just don't solve anything. They see the psyche in such a way that people cannot make any significant progress. Seriously. Anywhere from disorders to just people in their every day lives. The way that psychology sees us is lacking, significantly.

I don't want to try to go into psychology and expose all their flaws. Hell, I would be there forever just arguing and arguing with people. As my dad says, the major flaw of science is their materialistic grasp on reality. They NEED to believe that everything comes down to materialism, to the materialistic world. And that is one of the biggest lies that govern the western world. It's the shallowest of the shallow. I almost prefer superstition.

In my opinion, science is good for one thing - rationalizing to expose untruths. I know that if I take a look at what I believe in a rational manner, I often expose the misconceptions that are strung along by false logic. By logic that is nonsensical. However, rationality cannot give you truth. It can't. It can expose the most illogical, but it will always be a victim of the tangle and twist of words and logic, which is limited in, if you want to name one of the major things that makes it limited, its absolutist view of things. It's hard to say anything without making things seem absolute. You have to say a lot of skeptical words like "maybe, sometimes, almost" to be fair.

What you really have to do is keep an open mind, always. No matter what you believe, you have to keep an open mind that it may change tomorrow, for the better. That it may expand, because as long as we are confined to our words and our logic, it will be limited truth. And of course, we see what serves our psyche's growth. Sometimes we see what doesn't serve our psyches growth, but if we get past the ego, we still sometimes see what serves our growth, so our perspective is influenced by relevance. We don't see truth objectively because there's no relevance in that. We see it in how it relates to us, that helps us grow, and that's the entire point, to grow.

So, to make a long story short, for once, we need the leap of faith to experience real truth, fuller and fuller truth. Perhaps we can never fully know it on earth but we don't need to fully know it. Because as I said, that is not the point. This is not about knowledge, this is about progress. We don't need to know how everything works, we need to know what helps us progress.

In any case, psychology needs to be revolutionized. I'm way beyond their methods. I'm much deeper in tactics, if you want to put it that way. I would hate nothing more than to slow down to a snails pace in solving problems, a slow evolution of finding the way out of the dark. Not my thing, honestly. That's not what I'm here for.

So that's why I'm thinking of quitting psychology. I'm tired of limiting myself. I have to do it in all areas of the academic world. I have to do it with the mass consciousness because if I say too much they look at me like I just told them I was abducted by aliens an hour ago. No, that's more believably silly. They wouldn't take me seriously and they've heard that one before.

There's just way too much I don't say. And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of writing reports for school that I have to hold myself back with. I thought of writing for my book, writing in here even, at how I have an amount of freedom to say what I feel, whatever the costs. I say an extraordinary amount of what's under the surface, and that is exhilarating. The surface has been done before. Let's take a step forward. Get on with it.

If my "IS" self or my "Is" self, can't be sure which because there is a distinction, sees no reason to hold itself back, neither do I. I shouldn't be afraid to be who I am. I shouldn't try to be who I'm not. Whatever reason I wanted to get a psychology degree, is not worth the costs if I have to sacrifice myself. Dad says, you have to jump through hoops, but once you get to the end you have a certain amount of freedom and respect.

But you know what? I don't respect those who jump through hoops. Just the opposite, I see "phd" and I'm like, ugh. The more labels I see, the less I want to listen to someone. Because I don't care what anyone has to say if they identify themselves with a label. If they consider themselves a Christian, they're not going to have the whole truth. If they consider themselves a Doctor, they're not going to have the whole truth. It isn't to say that Christians and Doctors can't have valid perspectives, up to a point. They can have valid truths, but they have limited truths. They're not whole. And the smaller truths they are, the less satisfying they become.

If you want to consider yourself part of a bigger whole, you'll always be lacking. I don't want to be lacking, and I don't want to deal with people who are lacking.

You see, the problem with labels is that they are defined by standards. You can't be a labeled a doctor just because you dance. You can't be labeled a dancer just because you do heart surgery. They are defined by standards. And if you're trying to be a doctor, if you're trying to identify with a label, you will limit yourselves to those standards. If you want to be an empiricist, a behaviorist, an existentialist, you're going to limit your focus, so that you can adhere to the standards given to you. Otherwise you simply won't be those things.

You can't call yourself a neurologist, but believe that neurons simply don't exist. Therefore, if you WANT to be a neurologist, you have to believe in neurons. And then there are exclusions. You can't believe that the body is made of putty that can be molded into whatever form if you squeeze hard enough - not if you want to consider yourself a neurologist. And it's obvious that people search for identities through their genders, their ethnicity, their culture, their countries, their families, their religions, their careers, their beliefs - we want identity, we want self-worth, we want self-definition, validation etc.

These types of identities only limit us from seeing ourselves as a whole. It's like, if you ask the question - is God a man or a woman, you're acknowledging that he's incomplete either way. Because if you're a man, you're lacking female qualities and if you're a female, you're lacking male qualities. Those of the gender try to pretend that one or the other sex is superior, but they are dependent on each other, they are both valuable. Women give birth, but can't give birth unless they're fertilized by men. Each is lacking each other's attributes. And to say that God is one or the other is to claim that he is incomplete.

That's just inconsistent with most people's perceptions of the almighty creator, the absolute higher power. It just doesn't make sense. It's the same for us, when we identify with one or the other of anything, we limit ourselves. We only associate with a piece of our true selves. We need to see ourselves as more than our basic identities, more than even our sex because in past lives we've been both sexes. More than our families because in past lives we've had many different families. More than our labels, they should not define us. We've been doctors in past lives, but we're no longer. We've been singers in past lives, but we can no longer sing. We've been teachers in past lives, but we know longer have that knowledge to teach.

We let go of these qualities throughout the lifetimes so we know that these are just faces for a deeper identity, aliases. We can't associate ourselves with the wig we're wearing. The wig does not define us, it's actually merely a status, if anything. It seems ridiculous to even think of a wig defining us, but that is really how we often, metaphorically, see it. People with blonde hair are even called "blondes" with tons of connotations, good and bad. We do define ourselves by those kinds of things. But they're just masks.

So you see, I don't want to be a psychologist, and I don't want to deal with people who see themselves as psychologists. It's as simple as that. The academic world is a reflection of some of these qualities and I'm not sure I want to have a place in it. I'm not saying I want ever get a degree, but I am saying I want to take a break and deal with what I know.

I'm not going to waste my time on some abstract goal, especially now that I'm doubting all the goals I've had for the past couple of years. I no longer see the purpose of them. So I'm going to concentrate on who I am right now, what I have to work with right now. Not try to acquire more and more, but just work with what I have.

I do have an enormous amount of faith, I've just realized. Faith that has transformed my perspective of how the world works. I am a little scared still, to be anticonformist. I was nervous about dropping out of high school but it was the best decision of my life. I've never regretted it. I need to eradicate my fears of this college issue.

It did help, when I was leaving high school, to think of my siblings that had also left high school, and hadn't died or anything. lol. If you want to give the worst case scenario. It helps to know that none of my siblings have ever finished college. Actually, I really don't know about Neils and Yohan. I know that Yohan went into the army. I don't know about Neils. I really know nothing about them, it's really sad. In any case, the other five haven't graduated from college. Amelia and Stephanie are doing it now but Stephanie has already quit once or twice, mostly because of her kids and her lack of motivation.

And I'm freakin 18. I've already had three semesters. Most of the people in college are at least 19 on their first year. Many of them are in their mid20's. Many of them are also in their mid30's. And let me tell you there are still some who are in their 40's. I am at a community college afterall. The point is, I have a lifetime to change my mind.

But speaking of change. I think that's what I'm afraid of. See, I had this path set - graduate high school. And I had to say, hey, this isn't working, and leave the path, start over. Essentially, if my goal was to get a diploma, all the work I'd done was a waste, because I didn't get it so I couldn't reap the rewards of the diploma. Not that I care, and that's why I could leave.

But then I went to college. And part of the reason I did is to prove that I wasn't just some lame "high school dropout". I wanted to prove that I was intelligent and that I could do well in school and that I was productive. So my course was to finish college. But I have proved that I'm not just a loser who dropped out. That I am smart. That I got A's, not even B's and that I should even have an H next to one of those A's, by the time the semester is up. Is that good enough? I think so.

But now I need to acknowledge that this path is not working for me. That this goal is not satisfying, that it will not help me achieve what I ultimately want to achieve. I thought it would, but it won't, at least not the way it's heading. (I can't fully foresee the future, but as I said, I have plenty of years to change what needs to be changed.) For now, it's not working. And meanwhile, I'm ignoring my talents and my initiative. Putting them aside because I'm told I need to work for this goal.

I need to fearlessly leave this path. I'm afraid to start anew. Their was a sort of promise in college, a relative guarantee that said that this would make life better for me. If I got this, I would have a bit of security. So now I'm leaping into the exact opposite. Society tells me, just as they did with high school, that I will be a failure, or that I'm at least in very much danger of being a failure if I don't go to college, if I don't get my high school diploma. The latter was a lie, I found out I can still go to college and override any necessity to get a high school diploma.

Well, we'll see how it goes not getting a degree, at least for the time being. Truth be told, the thing I mainly see in my future is writing. And writers don't necessarily need degrees. They need to have writing knowledge and talent but I've gained a lot of that over the years.

In any case, I won't argue the pros and cons, because I know them and I know their validity. I won't predict the future, because absolutes are lies (even though that was an absolute) and because this isn't about planning the rest of my life. This is about what's best for me now. And what's best for me now is to finish my book. I need to know what direction that will lead me in. What avenues it will open up in careers, in societal directions, in identity. And this is a big dissatisfaction. I've often been impatient to finish my book.

I feel that this is important for me to do, that I've got to get this done. I realize now that college will not give me what I need to get this done, I have all the tools I need. Growth will always be made, but I can do that independently. I don't need professors to make me grow, or teach me how to grow.

It's as simple as that. Although, judging by the length of this blog, and all the things I didn't say meanwhile, I'm going to guess that it's probably inappropriate to call it simple. Ha.

Incidentally, I'm very happy that it's raining. It's very lovely. I feel at peace just by hearing it, and by resolving all of these inner conflicts.

By the way, irony of irony (even though the universe probably does ironies on purpose), the day that I first discovered I wanted to drop out, I went online to my psych memo, which is just a weekly response to the topics we learn about in class, and my teacher had put "please see me" in a response to my memo. He usually responds with "excellent memo". In any case, the next evening I talked to him during the break, he said I wasn't in trouble or anything but that after reading a number of my memos he felt that I had very good insight into psychology and that I could do a lot with the field of psychology. He wasn't necessarily saying that the field would benefit from me, he was more saying that I could use my talents in the field of psychology, that it was a career that would suit me.

He basically told me that he just felt he needed to tell me that, that I was special (love that), that he really saw something in me. It sounds creepy when I say it. Honestly, it was all things that I tell myself all the time. lol. I always wanted someone else to acknowledge my talents, but when it finally happens, it's anticlimactic cause I've already told myself - and believed - all of these compliments already.

It's not conceited, of course. I just know that I've always shown an iniative in the field of psychology, or at least in the exploration of psychology. And I do have, always, my own analysis. I don't just repeat the definitions or theories that are given, I apply them to my own view of reality, in an in-depth analysis, in my own words. And yes, I do have a lot of good insight. He said that I have a good hold on concepts, and yes, I do think that I have an adeptness for concepts, that's just the way my brain works. It views things in concepts, as most people probably do unconsciously, but it also then examines the concepts and analyzes the concepts that it views. So then my concepts are always expanding and becoming more defined and I become more self-aware, so that provokes deeper understanding. etc etc.

Of course, one could say that it's a sign. A sign that I should stick with psychology. But, I've been tested before, in listening to my own direction, instead of being persuaded by others from the outside. I have, generally, always been an independent person. If anything, the test is not what people think I should do - that will persuade me. But my own view of what I feel I'm obligated to fulfill, in order to satisfy my desires of image, if you will. Meaning, I went to college because I wanted to prove myself not just another "rebellious or stupid teenage drop out." That was me, making a decision based on my perception of what I needed to be for other people. Not what other people told me to be, but what I told myself I needed to be based on other people.

And I have to realize that I need to be myself. I need to stop basing my actions on my relation to other people, whether it be out of fear or need or lack of self-worth, I don't know. It just needs to stop. Part of my biggest stress in the academic world is not wanting to appear a lunatic. I don't want to rub people the wrong way. I don't want people to look at me like I have three heads, or I just claimed, in all honesty, that I'd been abducted by aliens. Okay, I'm not Kurt Vonnegut. (ugh, we're reading that in modern fiction at the moment - trafalmadore.)

I don't say things in school because I don't want to have that animosity and that "you're crazy" look or the fierce disagreements. I want to appear rational, sane. Honestly, I am rational and sane. But you have to open your mind to what being rational and sane entails. If you think that being rational is believing that there is nothing more to the world than the material aspect, then I'm not going to fit your standards. So I hold myself back based on the standards put before me. I don't change, but I don't say all that I want to say.

I have to admit that a part of it is my grades. I'm not going to get good grades if I'm nonsensical, you know. And I do get good grades, I like that. But it's also just a matter of shame. I don't want to be rejected like that. I don't want to be who I am and just get it thrown back in my face. I've seen it, when people can't handle the truth, they throw it back in my face. I can't change their reactions, but I can change the way I handle it.

You might say that running away is not the best option, I should face who I am in the academic world. But it seems futile. It may not be, but it seems that way. I don't see any benefit. I will be myself, and I will do it publicly. And I will face any rejection or opposition that comes my way. I promise that. But I don't know that it's my purpose to try to fit into the academic world. Maybe it is, but because I'm unsure at the moment, I need to do what I can do to figure out whether it is or not.

We need people to come into these organizations and shed light, expose the fallacies and strengthen the truths, expand the perceptions. We really do. But I don't think that you can do it by shock methods. It needs to be an adjustment. You can't revolutionize someone's entire perception and way of life in a few hours of explaining the truth. It would destroy them, I think that that's just the way humans are. That we're protected from such shock, physically and emotionally and mentally - perhaps spiritually as well. We need to take steps. I would have to ignore so much of what I believe to administer baby steps.

I don't want to babysit, appropriately. I don't want to guide these people in slow little baby steps. There are people who want to, and will. I'm too exploding. I make too great of leaps every day. I don't think it's impossible for others to make these leaps. But they have to want it, and they have to be ready. I don't want to hold myself back, trying to guide them through that. I want to be who I am, and attract the people who are ready. Because there are people who are open, who are progressive, who want the truth. And they're the people I want to deal with. Not the opposition. Not the stuck mindsets. I want to deal with the people who are moving forward.

And I hope that by raising the consciousness, by working with the "best," so to speak, that it will improve on greater than just the best. That it will make significant advancements.

As I said in that last psychology memo:
My goal, as a psychology major, is not to take the dysfunctional (autistic or whatever it may be) and help them become average in their functioning ability. Because although I don’t want to be pessimistic, there’s an obvious block that keeps them from functioning. It makes me feel hopeless, very quickly. I guess you could sum it up by saying that I don’t have the patience. I’m the type of person who likes to believe that anything is possible. I go to bipolar people and tell them to consciously work towards no longer being bipolar and they tell me they can’t because they’ve got a problem in their brain. [that's you, Dan.] (That could certainly be a self-fulfilling prophecy).

But whether it’s true or not that there are impossible cases that can’t ever be fully cured, I don’t like to work with these cases. My life goal seems to stem from a dissatisfaction with the average functioning ability. The standard is that these people are healthy. But to me, a healthy person is not perfect or complete. What it means to have a healthy psyche is that you can adapt, learn, assimilate, and grow - and that you have the willpower to do it even consciously, as well as subconsciously. That’s a healthy psyche, which means that a healthy person should be adapting and learning and assimilating and growing, which are all things that I personally study. Less of how things work in the mind and more of, what capability we have to progress.

That’s an astounding part of the healthy mind, progression. Disabilities and disorders are blocks from progression, they are essentially the concept of being stuck in one place, to a point where you can’t function any longer, because you can’t adapt. So when I think of psychology, I don’t think of abnormal psychology, I think of how we can improve on the healthy psyche. How we can take the average functioning of an individual and make it stronger. Because I’m unsatisfied, looking around me, at the incapability for people to be happy, healthy, progressive and etc. They don’t have disorders. They are by some abstract standard, healthy. But they still need to grow - it's obvious. So instead of taking dysfunctional people and trying to bring them to an average level, I’m trying to take functional people and raise the bar, raise the average level to something stronger.


That's a different way to say what I was saying about the academic world. I don't want to try to change the people that are stuck. Ultimately, I'm not the one make the decisions for each of these people. I can stimulate them, I can teach them, I can influence them, they can influence me - but only if they're willing. They will always be making the decisions - either the decision to grow from me, or to deny the truth that I live by and share with people.

When they're ready, "when you're ready to learn, the teacher will appear." You'll need someone like me, with a revolutionary perspective. So why not work with those that ARE ready? I want to help people progress. It's as simple as that. It's a compassionate quality that enables some to have the patience to work with those who have disabilities and disorders and dysfunctions, those people that are by my terms, stuck, in whatever way. But, in my, admittedly, black and white view of "ready or not," I'm going to concentrate on those that are ready. In short, those that are willing. Not just those that will accept me, because this isn't about me. This is about what I represent, and the fact that I no longer need opposition to what I represent.

I've dealt with it all my life, I wanted to because I wanted to face my fears and my self-worth and rejection issues. I mistakenly wanted, at that point, to convince people to see things my way so that I could be validated. But I no longer want to convince or argue. I am what I am. Truth is what it is. I'm going to concentrate on what IS, and stop trying to validate it, stop trying to convince others to validate it. I'm just going to believe in it. And I intend to find others that are ready to believe in it too.

I realize that it was really sudden and cold of me to ditch Dan like that. Imagining it from his perspective, there probably were no warning signs. And I can't sum it up without sounding cliche. I just know that he can't satisfy me at this point. I want more. I've got to live.

Speaking of which. I don't know where it came from. I was really bold today. I talked a lot in every single one of my classes, and I think that I not only talked, but that I expressed myself. Not expressed the facts, but expressed myself. And I will say that I did get some opposition. I mean, if you consider that that is probably the original fear. I felt, sometimes, like I was conflicting with people in an uncomfortable way. Whether they noticed or not can't really be noticed. Except the guy I got into a heated debate with in philosophy.

He was basically saying that Buddhism formed in Asia and India because they have a lot of natural disasters and poor, overpopulated countries, so - in other words, they had no choice but be unsatisfied, so they may as well except non-attachment. Whereas, Americans are rich, materialistic, opportunistic, and have few natural disasters - apparently, so since they can get things, they should be able to want things.

I don't know. Hard to even describe it to make sense because it obviously doesn't make sense to me. Firstly, because of the origins of Buddhism. Buddha WAS rich, so why didn't he just accept this fact and be satisfied? Because he realized that attachment wasn't about what you could get. It was about the fact that no matter what you could get, you would still not be satisfied.

I think America is one of the most least satisfied country. We are miserable. Because we've formed a land of opportunity, we're used to having opportunities to get what we want, we react like a spoil child when we don't get what we want. And I think this guy wanted to fight for that. You could sense his ego. Because he was being slightly stubborn and closeminded. You could possibly say the same thing about me, except, truth is, I don't fully agree with Buddhism either.

So I wasn't defending what I believed in, personally. I was merely defending the truth about Buddhism. Which is that it is not a response to poverty and disaster. Buddha was shielded from old age, wasn't he? Like he was really sheltered. He wasn't exposed to the horror, and then became unhappy and wanted to justify it somehow by changing the rules and saying that we just shouldn't want things anymore. He had a good life, and he still came up with alternate wisdom, an alternate route, in response.

The debate kind of went off topic because it got a little personal. Like when you debate back and forth about one topic, it doesn't necessarily have to be personal. But when he would say something to prove that Buddhism was only accepted because of poverty and environment, and I would counter it. He would defend what I'd countered, and that led us on tangents.

I was surprised at how many in the class seemed to hold a western view. Why should I be surprised, I'm in fucking America. I'm in the west. My teacher never takes a position on philosophy. It's weird. He takes a position on handwriting and he talks about tests and practical matters like students being late. And he makes his opinions known. But he never voices opinions about philosophy. I have no idea what he thinks. He's Chinese, but even when he talks about the Chinese he always talks about friends who are this or that or believe this or that. Never his own practices. I don't know why.

Anyway, I don't want to recall the debate because I feel like I didn't say enough, I didn't convince him enough of the point I was trying to make about the origins of Buddhism. And he was just being stubborn anyway. It was almost like we were arguing over different things. He was maintaining that people believe what they believe to cope with environmental disasters. (even though probably 80% of the population doesn't deal with them) and I was only pointing out that although many people have accepted Buddhism because of their circumstances, the origins of Buddhism - Buddha, did not create his teachings based on environmental disasters. It's as simple as that. And he just wouldn't admit it, because he took it personally so he was defending what he believed.

The class kind of had fun with it though. They were laughing and adding things of their own, but I felt that many of them agreed with him. And that's fine. I can honestly say that most people don't have an understanding of spirituality like I do. They want to defend materialism because they grew up in this reality. They even started arguing to me that wisdom originates from environment so Buddha had to have based his teachings on environment. Which was so ridiculously empirical. And I pointed out that knowledge is based empirically, on what we experience, because that's where evidence comes in.

Metaphysical spirituality, wisdom, intuition, meditation... those do not form because of environment. Think of Brahman, think of Atman, think of the fact that the Hindus believe that we are living in an illusion. How can they take the environment and realize that it's fake and that there's more out there. How can something fake, tell you what is real? That just doesn't make sense. Of course, these students probably don't believe in any truth to the Hindu philosophies, therefore they don't feel that it's a valid point to make that wisdom can come from metaphysical sources, not physical sources - because they don't even think that this is an actual example of wisdom.

But intuition is based on an innate understanding of something you have no prior experience, preparation or learning of. At its best. Things you understand but never learned. Things you feel but never experienced. You then use intuition on the physical world. Not the other way around. And as I pointed out - because we asked which comes first, the chicken or the egg... which influenced which, did the environment (a sketchy word, by the way, hard to know what anybody meant by that) make people have concepts and ideas, or did ideas form on their own. Okay, not quite an example of the chicken or the egg.

However, if you believe in an ultimate creator, you will understand that the creation came from a sort of concept, and idea, in the supreme mind, the supreme creative power. The physical world was created through concepts. These people don't believe that because they've taken way too much retarded science classes - and I know from previous classes that this particular student does know a lot about science - they tend to be cynical, snobbish and critical of spirituality. Why is he in this class again? Let's not hold the matrix.

In any case, I believe, not from Hindus or Buddhists, that we create the physical world daily through concepts. But the concepts amass to something more unified and less quickly changed. Things happen slowly based on that mass consciousness. Not a lot of people believe in the connection between us and how the world ended up being. People think that they can physical affect the world by using hairspray, causing global warming. But they don't believe that global warming reflects, metaphorically in some ways, a particular aspect of mass consciousness. And an unhealthy one. You can't tell me that we do not have unhealthy mass consciousness, in certain ways.

We're the sem-divine creators on earth and we pretend we're not, that it's mother nature. But mother nature is kind of like karma, yes, she has a system, but who ultimately provokes the system? Who is the force behind the system? If you do good actions, your force will provoke good karma. If you do bad actions, your force will provoke bad karma. It's the same with mother nature. She reflects our consciousness. Her ability to survive, to recuperate, and to die, reflects us.

Natural disasters are created from mass consciousness. It's not as simple as being punished or being deserving. See, karma does not punish you in an objective way, like a parent who disciplines you when you're bad. Karma is linked with you, connected with you, it's the connectedness of your actions and their reactions. You can't act without force, and if you're a force, you're going to interact with other objects or forces. Therefore you will influence them, based on your strength, and power, and your intentions. Are you going to create or provoke healthy reactions? Or unhealthy reactions?

So off topic, considering I meant to be talking about Tim June this whole time. I love saying his full name cause it's so short and nobody will know what Tim I'm referring to if I just say his first name.

I had a dream about him like a week ago. Just random, we hung out in the dream or something. I can't remember now. So because of this debate, because of talking with Longley, talking about Everything That Rises Must Converge, talking again with Longley in an almost silly, girlish way - which I've never fully had with her, I've never opened up in that way. Although she's always been like that. It's sad when I think about it. I've always been slightly reserved, distanced, cold. I talk to her, but my personality is tucked away like a shy daughter hiding behind her mommy's face and the mommy speaking for her "yes, emily likes to play with ponies and she didn't want to take a nap today because she wanted to play in the rain." or something. Like there's a social translator between my personality and Longley.

So I had that and then I opened up a bit in Western Civilization although not much more than usual. Maybe a tiny bit more easily. So by the time I got to Creative writing I was pretty social. I talked to people, I talked to the teacher, I supplied answers. That's one thing I'll say, I actually can 80% of the time, give the teacher the answer they're looking for. Or maybe it's 70%, to be fair. But what I'm trying to say is that I only answer 40% of the time, even though I know the answers many other times. I just wait it out. Partly because I don't want to dominate the communication. Teachers like to hear from other students, they don't always want one person to answer.

Today I answered all I could. And I could see that Longley and Carito both looked to other people eventually, because they no longer wanted the answers from me, they wanted others to have the opportunity. Longley asked one specific girl what she thought about something, and right after she asked the question I opened my mouth to bring up my own point. It was almost like I didn't hear her or realize what she was doing until it was too late, my mouth was already open. She held me back from saying anything in a polite way and asked the girl the question again. Nothing. Silence. Not even an "I don't know." She might have asked if anybody else knew. Blank stares. A good portion of classes tend to be that way. So then she went back to me... lol.

But that's what's hard about it. Since I know all the answers, why shouldn't I say them, when many of the other students refuse - even if they, too, know the answers? I have no desire to dominate the floor, it's just hard to know how many to answer and how many to let other people answer. Sometimes if I wait too long the teacher answers themselves and then I'm like Aw man, I could have got that one right. Cause it's rewarding to know what the teachers are talking about, to understand it personally as well as to know the facts, and to be able to respond when they ask a question of me.

So surprisingly, I did have those conflicts of opposition - I felt like I was offending people. Not to say that I was, but I could feel the familiar feel of opposition, conflict. And also I felt obnoxious, like I was being too eager to answer every single question and not giving others a chance. Despite that, I still felt comfortable opening up. I still wanted to do it. And that's a breakthrough for me. Since most of the time, fear of these things I mentioned that were more or less present today, actually did happen. But it wasn't so bad, I survived.

So back to Tim. Carito puts us into groups, but she pulls Tim aside to talk about his poems, so me and Jean-Paul finished outlining the plot and I explained it to Tim when he came back to his seat. Then we were done and had nothing to do. I told Tim that he was really quiet, and he responded to that, I mean that he opened up to it. Like he didn't just give a one syllable answer, he laughed and we said a few things, including Jean-Paul and etc.

So then I got the nerve to tell Tim about my dream. And it wasn't awkward at all, on my side. He might have been embarrassed that some girl who went to his high school that he's never uttered a word to, dreams about him. And then a few minutes later I asked him if he played trombone, cause I remembered how Amelia would talk about Tim June and how he was funny during band. He seems so quiet in classes, it's hard to imagine him funny.

But since then I've added him on myspace and his pictures are very outgoing. Like you can tell that when the picture was taken he was expressing himself a lot, that he was being loud and boisterous and etc. And Kristen says he's confident and I know he has some obnoxious, outgoing friends.

In any case, I was happy to see that he had opened up a little. Cause in class he never seems to. He smiles and laughs sometimes but when he read his story he used a lot of enthusiasm and fluctuation and things in his voice. He usually reads things in a much different tone. And he hardly ever responds to other people's stories. Nor does he talk about stories in Modern Fiction.

So I kind of fell in love a little. I have this obsessive thing going on with a particular type of guy, of which Tim falls into the category. Although he seems the nicest. But, hell, I thought Dave Larkin was a sweet guy. Ugh.

In any case, Kristen and Amelia approve of him so that's good, I'm not the only one. So I wanted more. I mean, yeah, like I want to get naked with him. But there's always been this hopelessness, like these guys are out of my league, just beyond me in some way. They've never been interested in me and I never even bothered to understand why, it just made sense. Although I can't tell if they've ever had an interest in me and just kept it in or if they've never noticed me at all.

See, I'm definitely not that cocky about my looks. I know I'm good looking but I don't look in the mirror and feel like I'm enough for "hot guys." A particular brand of hot guys. I guess you could call them some form of "popular guys" but not really with all the connotations that go along with it. We didn't have very distinct groups. These guys have just never interacted with me at all. Not a rude comment. Not a nice comment. Never worked with them on a school project. Never hung out with their friends so consequently them too.

I don't know. In any case, I kind of wanted to expand on my progress today. Be fearless, try something I have honestly never tried before. Try making friends with one of these guys. He's never talked to me. But I've made conversation with him now and asked him about homework once and added him on myspace. Made an effort. And I'm deathly afraid he has no interest in being my friend. Kristen has been very encouraging, cause they're in the same grade so she knows him better than I do. Her best friend is pretty close to him. Yeah, my neighbor across the street. Hate her.

Anyway, I was talking to Kristen about it. Expanding on my fears and hopes and wishes and etc. I want him, of course. I've always wanted all of these guys in this category. But I always wanted them from afar. They were unattainable simply because we had no interaction, no way to bridge the distance, become friends. I have to admit that every single male friend and half of the female friends I've had have been interested in me romantically and sexually. To be honest, I am a femme fatale. I'm not even bragging. It's just, I don't know what it is that attracts them, but they are attracted to me. People who are already in my life though.

Some unpopular guys who will take anything under the sun ask me out. And every once in a while someone who I'm not really friends with will ask me out. But generally, I just never get close to these types of guys. Like they don't know I exist, so I can't attract them? (and I have to admit that I repel a lot of people too, just to be fair. there are many who thought they were attracted to me and then gave up very quickly.)

Personally, I think I'm annoying, although sometimes cute. My voice is annoying. Too boasting, I think. So I don't know how anybody can stand me. :) But they somehow manage to get past that.

Tim is important to me now because of what he represents. What I can prove by trying to become friends with him. By doing something new and unsafe, uncomfortable. Little by little I keep trying. And often it doesn't work. John didn't want to go out with me. Nobody IMed me when I handed out my aim. And that stuff hurts, getting rejected when I try. But I also have to accept that I won't get rejected. I have to make it a reality that I don't get rejected. Whether that means that I will attract those who can connect with me or what - it has to originate from what I'm projecting to the universe. It has to start from me.

So I need to be open to connecting with people. To meeting people. To trying something new. To being unafraid. To disconnecting with people, to conflicting with people who are not my enemy, to being rejected. I just have to let the dynamics of interaction between people flow. I will attract what I project. So if I fear being rejected, I'll attract people who will reject me.

That's why Tim is important to me. I almost forgot my personal longing for him. He initially seemed like such a good addition to my life. Like he would compliment it. Realistically, I always realize that people don't always perfectly compliment my life and I may have realized a little more of that, the magic wore off from class. But I can't turn back from trying to be friends with him. I can't be scared off, be talked out of this by my fear. I have to do this.

I have to let things happen. Surrender to what will happen. Regardless of how it will affect me. Please me or offend me or hurt me.

And I'm so grateful for Kristen. Because she's my ally at the best of times. She's agreeable but not like Amelia, who agrees because I persuade her to believe what I believe. Kristen is more initiative, and therefore when she agrees I can hope that if she believes it, it's because she sees it in a similar way as me. Although I know that she likes agreeing to disparage conflict. :p but that doesn't mean she's always lying to me.

She just offers me a listening ear sometimes, a support that I really value. Even though it's not an every day thing. Perhaps it's part of having someone outside of the family. You know me, been without friends for so long I really don't know what it's like to have a close friend anymore, so it's novel. I've changed so much since the times when some of these things were still present. It could be another lifetime, for all I can tell.

Anyway, I feel a little sickly. My arm and head and throat hurt. Probably all about this stuff but I can't do anything about it at the moment.

Just one more thing - I'm so desperate for someone to care. It's crazy how much I love talking about myself. Everything about my life is interesting and fascinating to me and I want to share it to somebody. When I begin to be fond of people I immediately begin imagining conversations where I can tell them things about myself, express to them things about the way I think, my motivation, how I do things, what my opinions are.

It seems self-absorbed. It very well could be. But I like to be heard and understood and cared about. And I long for it, it's important to me. So it's one of the first things I'm excited about. And when I care about other people I often want to know about them too. Just not as much as I want them to know about me, I think. :p

I always feel guilty for always talking about myself to Kristen. It's almost like, every time she says something about herself - I more or less steer the conversation back to me. It's not that she tries to talk about herself and I ignore it. I respond back and I consciously try to ask her questions about herself so that she doesn't feel like I'm the center of attention, the only one that matters in our friendship. But it's hard, I still always feel like she's going to resent me for taking up a lot of the conversation.

But hopefully she knows that if she had something to say I would readily listen. When she slept over there was one point where she was talking and talking and talking away about friends and things. And I didn't mind at all, I liked it. And she apologized by the end and I was like nooo, you can talk as much as you want. I can listen as often as you listen to me. I want her to feel that she had the advantage I have with her, that support. That I'm not just draining her, using her, taking from her and giving nothing. Cause I care about her too.

I don't really know what I'm doing or why I'm doing it. I just know that it hurts to be with someone who doesn't care. And it's frustrating to be with someone who doesn't care that it hurts that he doesn't care. What am I supposed to do with that? Nothing. That's my conclusion.

So I fixed it. Well, maybe not. But the depression floated away and I decided to just do something practical about my displeasure. So I sent three people comments on myspace. Although, that never seems to advance my friendships... but let's not be a killjoy.

And I, for the first time, gave out my most recent sn publicly. Except once when I accidentally put it on James's page in a comment and then Joe took it from the page and IMed me and I found out where he got it and deleted the comment.

Otherwise, I've only given it out one at a time. Very protective. OF WHAT? Well, obviously of all the horrible people who needed to stop IMing me. I was tired of having to block a hundred people.

However, I can't put the new sn to use if there's nobody to talk to.

I sometimes feel invisible on myspace, so I can't say that my sn will be put to any use but sometimes it's not about the company I have, as much as it's the way I feel when I do or don't have company.

And putting a general but welcoming energy out there is like saying I'm open to people. And that's the best I can do right now.

Right. I'm so isolated from.. everybody.

The realization has made me very unhappy.

I don't have time to feel sorry for myself. I either have to be reading Catch 22 or I have to be procrastinating reading Catch 22, in which I'm still consumed with it. So in both cases I'm concentrating on it immensely. And if I'm taking a break from both of those, I'm obviously consumed with the worry that it will never end - I have so much more to read, so much more extra to read, and so much more to write.

And that was in true spirit of the novel.

What the hell did I get on my Western Civilization exam? When will he post the results? Oh, he did. 164/200. Arrg. I have no idea what that means. He is really confusing about scoring. I know that the syllabus says that 370+ out of 400 points is an A. And I got an A last semester with the same teacher. But I can't work with that until I take my final, cause that's another 200 points.

Sometimes I just can't wrap my head around math. But what's worse is that I don't know what the hell kind of math he's using. I don't even know what grade I got on my final last semester. I sometimes don't check. But on the midterm I told my blog that I got 149 out of 200. And I think I got, what, five wrong but three were taken off because of the curve.

Soooo. I could email him or just wait until class when he may go over the exam or at least explain the score. I'm sure I did well. But I can't BE sure because he has these crazy scores on blackboard. Bah. I know about as much as I did as soon as I finished the test and I told myself "I did well, but there's no concrete A, yet."

Oh well. I got an A on my philosophy exam and an A- on my research report on Hemingway. Fun stuff. But I still have a lot of work ahead of me. :(

I wish I had time to read but I'm serious, if I'm not actually doing the work, I'm worrying about doing the work. I have no time to relax and concentrate on anything else. That's why I watch movies, cause they use a small amount of brain power and yet they can still enthrall you, or distract you in any case.

I've also realized that it is impossible to read in this house. I read so much by the fire when nobody was here but Amelia. And then my parents came home. Then Loren came. Then he left but Tiana came. And every time I sat down by the fire my dad would come out and turn on the TV. Drives me loco. or loca, perhaps.

Other times mom and Amelia would be talking. Or my mom would come out and talk to me. Or Loren and my mom would be talking. I could not concentrate. I want absolutely insane one day reading Collapse for Western Civilization. I was holding pillows over my ears while reading, trying to drown out the conversations. I tried a whole bunch of other stuff, to absolutely no avail. I did manage to get through two chapters but I was immensely stressed out.

I couldn't read in my room at that time because there was no heater so it was freezing cold, too cold for my hands to hold the book. So I basically gave up.

But as soon as they left I was ready to sit down and read. Vacation permitted me to have a few days of semi-relaxation although I've had Catch 22 on my mind every other moment. And the silence has been soothing. I hate sitting down and then getting pulled away from my book every second by some random distraction. But that didn't happen. I ended up reading The Drowning Season straight through. Although it was the middle of the night and would have been quiet anyway, I'm usually so exhausted from school - or I have school the next day and can't stay awake.

I think I'm becoming more of a procrastinator again. It's just that, there's only so much I'm willing to allow myself to slave away. I've got a quota, and when it's filled I stop and the work piles up. I have a memo every week for psychology. A journal entry every week for creative writing. A journal entry every couple weeks for modern fiction. A short story to write every week for creative writing. A short story or a novel to read every week for modern fiction. A couple chapters to read every week for western civilization.

Then I had those three exams all piled up. For western civilization. And I had to read 150 pages on Hinduism and Jainism for my eastern philosophy exam. And I had to study for my psychology exam. Which, in case I didn't mention it, I got a one hundred on. plus the bonus. :)

And that same week I had a three page research report to write on Hemingway. She said it was a little thin, but what do you expect? I never met Hemingway, what can I really say about him? I've only read one of his books but it was a few years ago and of course I didn't like it. I'm afraid the truth is, I mostly analyze modern fiction in negative terms cause I pretty much disagree with the major philosophies and writing techniques from modern fiction.

Well in any case. Although I have tended to the important things.. obviously, since I got A's on them all... I'm still neglecting so much. I have like ten journal entries to write, actually like 20 because each journal entry has to be written twice. And they wouldn't take that long, but because my quota is filled, there's a block. I just don't want to make myself slave away that much.

I need a certain amount of time to be me. To think like me, work out who I need to be. Experience what I need to experience. Yeah, so a lot of it has been James Bond movies but so what?

I shouldn't try to justify my behavior in the first place, I'm still doing well in school despite my procrastination. You'll see my grades in the end. I probably procrastinate less than many others.

But now I have to write all of those journal entries. Plus three or four more for Modern Fiction, probably by the end of the week. And I'll have ten more for creative writing due in the next month or two. Plus a few more short stories to write, and one longer final short story.

Gosh I think Longley said that there would be three or four papers, so that means I have two or three more to write and a final test, but that should be simple. Then I have like two and half more books to read for philosophy and that final exam. And the western civilization reading is pretty easy, I've realized, plus he gives tons and tons of objectives that really help you take in the specific information necessary for the tests.

But I have about ten more memos for psychology, plus about three more exams, plus a six page research report. And I forgot the ten page report for philosophy. Plus the ten page honor's report on Catch 22. And I have to read Love Medicine for modern fiction. Luckily I already read Slaughterhouse-Five and the rest of the O'Connor stories. Plus I read my western civilization homework for the next two weeks.

It's crazy that I know all of my homework for the next two months. It's crazy that I even have two months. I feel like the semester will be done in four weeks but all my teachers think they've got ten weeks left or something. So I'm kind of afraid that the end will sneak up on me and I'll have all of these reports and exams due.

Truthfully, it's not much to complain about. It's not hard work. And the more I go over it in my mind, the more I realize that it's been done before, it can be done again. I can do it, so I should stop procrastinating what will be just slightly more than a breeze. Gosh, I should just get it done and over with. I end up torturing myself with procrastination, which makes things worse than if I just worked at them. I'm always worrying all over the place - I should learn why I'm like this cause it's nonsensical.

I miss the schedule of last semester. I even miss my science class. Well of course I did because it was tons of fun and my teacher was amazing. But I also missed the fact that it's like the only science class I've ever succeeded at. I don't really know if you could say it was easier or harder than other science classes. I think because I respected my teacher, I just enjoyed getting all the work done and I enjoyed learning about the specific area of science, because I love forensic investigations. In some ways it was much more practical than scientific. Practical forensic instead of chemical forensic.

And we had a lot of tests, which I was really aggravated at towards the end but I endured them and did well on them. Sometimes I do things and I'm just happy to fit in. Because I've never been able to be proud of my accomplishments in science, it was obviously a failure for me since I took Biology twice. And in some ways the work was very similar, labs and lab writeups and tests. But I was just ready to do it now and I wasn't ready to do it then. Ironically I absolutely loved my first biology teacher. He was a great teacher.

But somehow I think I enjoyed a different quality in him, his stories and his practical application of how biology relates to us in our every day lives. Those are the things I picked up and I ended up picking up zero biology and once I stopped doing homework and labs, I was screwed.

Actually, that happened with Brian as well. I enjoyed her classes immensely and the things I learned were less strictly educational. They were more applicable to life and I enjoyed her class for it, but I did so horrible on the exam which is strange for me, since I've always been good at English. It's like I ended up only being distracted from all of the educational stuff I was supposed to be absorbing.

I don't know. It's not absolute because I also had another teacher earlier in the year and I didn't like her at all and I did absolutely nothing in that class. I had like an 18 out of 100 for my grade. It might have been a 14 or a 12. That's how little work I did.

Ahh, the good days in high school when I was so willing to participate. Things have definitely changed so what the hell am I beating myself up for just because I do things last minute and spend all the other moments worrying about having enough time milked from that last minute. AT LEAST I do end up doing them. Never late, either.

I feel like I've done every single homework ever assigned to me. That could be where all the A's come from. It's a good system.

Sometimes when I think of all the work I have to do and I feel like I'm READY to do it, I realize that I just won't have enough time to do it all right away, so I'll have to do it all tomorrow. But I always feel like this, so I end up never doing anything. I need to be able to allow myself to do things little by little.

I noticed that I don't like doing that with books. Lindstrom used to read every chance he got. He would utilize all of those extra minutes between classes or during lunch or in study hall. Always reading when he knew he would only finish a few pages. But a few pages add up, seriously. He always got through big books really quickly. I'm always waiting for the day when I can sit down and read eight hours at once.

That's what the winter vacation showed me. I was reading like ten hours a day. Because I don't want to sit down and read 20 pages every once in a while. And because of that resistance, a lot that could be done does not get done. It's the same with writing my book. I'm like, okay, I need just hours and hours during the day to work on it, otherwise I'll never get anywhere. But if I never find those hours, or the energy to work on it for a solid period of time, I end up getting absolutely nothing done. A lot of time could have been utilized over the past two years and I just threw it away. I threw away an entire summer for God's sake. How could I have told myself I didn't have enough time then? I did nothing at all!

Bah. For some reason I have such a firm resistance in my willpower, pulling me away from any enthusiasm to get this work done. That's why I wait till the last minute, because everything is piled up and it's now or never. So I do it now - hours before class and I'm done with it.

It's so odd for me to get things done early. Sometimes I'll feel anxiety knocking on my door questioningly, like, isn't it tea time? Can't I come in? Why don't you need me? You always need me. So I'm still slightly unsettled, cause I feel like I should be worrying. I've been worrying seems like every day of the past ten years. And goodness, I still worry during the summer. I worry for the future and they also give me summer book reports to do, which I wait until the last minute to read and write. Fuck you for giving me something else to procrastinate with.

It's been an unfortunate, long experience.