I realize that it was really sudden and cold of me to ditch Dan like that. Imagining it from his perspective, there probably were no warning signs. And I can't sum it up without sounding cliche. I just know that he can't satisfy me at this point. I want more. I've got to live.

Speaking of which. I don't know where it came from. I was really bold today. I talked a lot in every single one of my classes, and I think that I not only talked, but that I expressed myself. Not expressed the facts, but expressed myself. And I will say that I did get some opposition. I mean, if you consider that that is probably the original fear. I felt, sometimes, like I was conflicting with people in an uncomfortable way. Whether they noticed or not can't really be noticed. Except the guy I got into a heated debate with in philosophy.

He was basically saying that Buddhism formed in Asia and India because they have a lot of natural disasters and poor, overpopulated countries, so - in other words, they had no choice but be unsatisfied, so they may as well except non-attachment. Whereas, Americans are rich, materialistic, opportunistic, and have few natural disasters - apparently, so since they can get things, they should be able to want things.

I don't know. Hard to even describe it to make sense because it obviously doesn't make sense to me. Firstly, because of the origins of Buddhism. Buddha WAS rich, so why didn't he just accept this fact and be satisfied? Because he realized that attachment wasn't about what you could get. It was about the fact that no matter what you could get, you would still not be satisfied.

I think America is one of the most least satisfied country. We are miserable. Because we've formed a land of opportunity, we're used to having opportunities to get what we want, we react like a spoil child when we don't get what we want. And I think this guy wanted to fight for that. You could sense his ego. Because he was being slightly stubborn and closeminded. You could possibly say the same thing about me, except, truth is, I don't fully agree with Buddhism either.

So I wasn't defending what I believed in, personally. I was merely defending the truth about Buddhism. Which is that it is not a response to poverty and disaster. Buddha was shielded from old age, wasn't he? Like he was really sheltered. He wasn't exposed to the horror, and then became unhappy and wanted to justify it somehow by changing the rules and saying that we just shouldn't want things anymore. He had a good life, and he still came up with alternate wisdom, an alternate route, in response.

The debate kind of went off topic because it got a little personal. Like when you debate back and forth about one topic, it doesn't necessarily have to be personal. But when he would say something to prove that Buddhism was only accepted because of poverty and environment, and I would counter it. He would defend what I'd countered, and that led us on tangents.

I was surprised at how many in the class seemed to hold a western view. Why should I be surprised, I'm in fucking America. I'm in the west. My teacher never takes a position on philosophy. It's weird. He takes a position on handwriting and he talks about tests and practical matters like students being late. And he makes his opinions known. But he never voices opinions about philosophy. I have no idea what he thinks. He's Chinese, but even when he talks about the Chinese he always talks about friends who are this or that or believe this or that. Never his own practices. I don't know why.

Anyway, I don't want to recall the debate because I feel like I didn't say enough, I didn't convince him enough of the point I was trying to make about the origins of Buddhism. And he was just being stubborn anyway. It was almost like we were arguing over different things. He was maintaining that people believe what they believe to cope with environmental disasters. (even though probably 80% of the population doesn't deal with them) and I was only pointing out that although many people have accepted Buddhism because of their circumstances, the origins of Buddhism - Buddha, did not create his teachings based on environmental disasters. It's as simple as that. And he just wouldn't admit it, because he took it personally so he was defending what he believed.

The class kind of had fun with it though. They were laughing and adding things of their own, but I felt that many of them agreed with him. And that's fine. I can honestly say that most people don't have an understanding of spirituality like I do. They want to defend materialism because they grew up in this reality. They even started arguing to me that wisdom originates from environment so Buddha had to have based his teachings on environment. Which was so ridiculously empirical. And I pointed out that knowledge is based empirically, on what we experience, because that's where evidence comes in.

Metaphysical spirituality, wisdom, intuition, meditation... those do not form because of environment. Think of Brahman, think of Atman, think of the fact that the Hindus believe that we are living in an illusion. How can they take the environment and realize that it's fake and that there's more out there. How can something fake, tell you what is real? That just doesn't make sense. Of course, these students probably don't believe in any truth to the Hindu philosophies, therefore they don't feel that it's a valid point to make that wisdom can come from metaphysical sources, not physical sources - because they don't even think that this is an actual example of wisdom.

But intuition is based on an innate understanding of something you have no prior experience, preparation or learning of. At its best. Things you understand but never learned. Things you feel but never experienced. You then use intuition on the physical world. Not the other way around. And as I pointed out - because we asked which comes first, the chicken or the egg... which influenced which, did the environment (a sketchy word, by the way, hard to know what anybody meant by that) make people have concepts and ideas, or did ideas form on their own. Okay, not quite an example of the chicken or the egg.

However, if you believe in an ultimate creator, you will understand that the creation came from a sort of concept, and idea, in the supreme mind, the supreme creative power. The physical world was created through concepts. These people don't believe that because they've taken way too much retarded science classes - and I know from previous classes that this particular student does know a lot about science - they tend to be cynical, snobbish and critical of spirituality. Why is he in this class again? Let's not hold the matrix.

In any case, I believe, not from Hindus or Buddhists, that we create the physical world daily through concepts. But the concepts amass to something more unified and less quickly changed. Things happen slowly based on that mass consciousness. Not a lot of people believe in the connection between us and how the world ended up being. People think that they can physical affect the world by using hairspray, causing global warming. But they don't believe that global warming reflects, metaphorically in some ways, a particular aspect of mass consciousness. And an unhealthy one. You can't tell me that we do not have unhealthy mass consciousness, in certain ways.

We're the sem-divine creators on earth and we pretend we're not, that it's mother nature. But mother nature is kind of like karma, yes, she has a system, but who ultimately provokes the system? Who is the force behind the system? If you do good actions, your force will provoke good karma. If you do bad actions, your force will provoke bad karma. It's the same with mother nature. She reflects our consciousness. Her ability to survive, to recuperate, and to die, reflects us.

Natural disasters are created from mass consciousness. It's not as simple as being punished or being deserving. See, karma does not punish you in an objective way, like a parent who disciplines you when you're bad. Karma is linked with you, connected with you, it's the connectedness of your actions and their reactions. You can't act without force, and if you're a force, you're going to interact with other objects or forces. Therefore you will influence them, based on your strength, and power, and your intentions. Are you going to create or provoke healthy reactions? Or unhealthy reactions?

So off topic, considering I meant to be talking about Tim June this whole time. I love saying his full name cause it's so short and nobody will know what Tim I'm referring to if I just say his first name.

I had a dream about him like a week ago. Just random, we hung out in the dream or something. I can't remember now. So because of this debate, because of talking with Longley, talking about Everything That Rises Must Converge, talking again with Longley in an almost silly, girlish way - which I've never fully had with her, I've never opened up in that way. Although she's always been like that. It's sad when I think about it. I've always been slightly reserved, distanced, cold. I talk to her, but my personality is tucked away like a shy daughter hiding behind her mommy's face and the mommy speaking for her "yes, emily likes to play with ponies and she didn't want to take a nap today because she wanted to play in the rain." or something. Like there's a social translator between my personality and Longley.

So I had that and then I opened up a bit in Western Civilization although not much more than usual. Maybe a tiny bit more easily. So by the time I got to Creative writing I was pretty social. I talked to people, I talked to the teacher, I supplied answers. That's one thing I'll say, I actually can 80% of the time, give the teacher the answer they're looking for. Or maybe it's 70%, to be fair. But what I'm trying to say is that I only answer 40% of the time, even though I know the answers many other times. I just wait it out. Partly because I don't want to dominate the communication. Teachers like to hear from other students, they don't always want one person to answer.

Today I answered all I could. And I could see that Longley and Carito both looked to other people eventually, because they no longer wanted the answers from me, they wanted others to have the opportunity. Longley asked one specific girl what she thought about something, and right after she asked the question I opened my mouth to bring up my own point. It was almost like I didn't hear her or realize what she was doing until it was too late, my mouth was already open. She held me back from saying anything in a polite way and asked the girl the question again. Nothing. Silence. Not even an "I don't know." She might have asked if anybody else knew. Blank stares. A good portion of classes tend to be that way. So then she went back to me... lol.

But that's what's hard about it. Since I know all the answers, why shouldn't I say them, when many of the other students refuse - even if they, too, know the answers? I have no desire to dominate the floor, it's just hard to know how many to answer and how many to let other people answer. Sometimes if I wait too long the teacher answers themselves and then I'm like Aw man, I could have got that one right. Cause it's rewarding to know what the teachers are talking about, to understand it personally as well as to know the facts, and to be able to respond when they ask a question of me.

So surprisingly, I did have those conflicts of opposition - I felt like I was offending people. Not to say that I was, but I could feel the familiar feel of opposition, conflict. And also I felt obnoxious, like I was being too eager to answer every single question and not giving others a chance. Despite that, I still felt comfortable opening up. I still wanted to do it. And that's a breakthrough for me. Since most of the time, fear of these things I mentioned that were more or less present today, actually did happen. But it wasn't so bad, I survived.

So back to Tim. Carito puts us into groups, but she pulls Tim aside to talk about his poems, so me and Jean-Paul finished outlining the plot and I explained it to Tim when he came back to his seat. Then we were done and had nothing to do. I told Tim that he was really quiet, and he responded to that, I mean that he opened up to it. Like he didn't just give a one syllable answer, he laughed and we said a few things, including Jean-Paul and etc.

So then I got the nerve to tell Tim about my dream. And it wasn't awkward at all, on my side. He might have been embarrassed that some girl who went to his high school that he's never uttered a word to, dreams about him. And then a few minutes later I asked him if he played trombone, cause I remembered how Amelia would talk about Tim June and how he was funny during band. He seems so quiet in classes, it's hard to imagine him funny.

But since then I've added him on myspace and his pictures are very outgoing. Like you can tell that when the picture was taken he was expressing himself a lot, that he was being loud and boisterous and etc. And Kristen says he's confident and I know he has some obnoxious, outgoing friends.

In any case, I was happy to see that he had opened up a little. Cause in class he never seems to. He smiles and laughs sometimes but when he read his story he used a lot of enthusiasm and fluctuation and things in his voice. He usually reads things in a much different tone. And he hardly ever responds to other people's stories. Nor does he talk about stories in Modern Fiction.

So I kind of fell in love a little. I have this obsessive thing going on with a particular type of guy, of which Tim falls into the category. Although he seems the nicest. But, hell, I thought Dave Larkin was a sweet guy. Ugh.

In any case, Kristen and Amelia approve of him so that's good, I'm not the only one. So I wanted more. I mean, yeah, like I want to get naked with him. But there's always been this hopelessness, like these guys are out of my league, just beyond me in some way. They've never been interested in me and I never even bothered to understand why, it just made sense. Although I can't tell if they've ever had an interest in me and just kept it in or if they've never noticed me at all.

See, I'm definitely not that cocky about my looks. I know I'm good looking but I don't look in the mirror and feel like I'm enough for "hot guys." A particular brand of hot guys. I guess you could call them some form of "popular guys" but not really with all the connotations that go along with it. We didn't have very distinct groups. These guys have just never interacted with me at all. Not a rude comment. Not a nice comment. Never worked with them on a school project. Never hung out with their friends so consequently them too.

I don't know. In any case, I kind of wanted to expand on my progress today. Be fearless, try something I have honestly never tried before. Try making friends with one of these guys. He's never talked to me. But I've made conversation with him now and asked him about homework once and added him on myspace. Made an effort. And I'm deathly afraid he has no interest in being my friend. Kristen has been very encouraging, cause they're in the same grade so she knows him better than I do. Her best friend is pretty close to him. Yeah, my neighbor across the street. Hate her.

Anyway, I was talking to Kristen about it. Expanding on my fears and hopes and wishes and etc. I want him, of course. I've always wanted all of these guys in this category. But I always wanted them from afar. They were unattainable simply because we had no interaction, no way to bridge the distance, become friends. I have to admit that every single male friend and half of the female friends I've had have been interested in me romantically and sexually. To be honest, I am a femme fatale. I'm not even bragging. It's just, I don't know what it is that attracts them, but they are attracted to me. People who are already in my life though.

Some unpopular guys who will take anything under the sun ask me out. And every once in a while someone who I'm not really friends with will ask me out. But generally, I just never get close to these types of guys. Like they don't know I exist, so I can't attract them? (and I have to admit that I repel a lot of people too, just to be fair. there are many who thought they were attracted to me and then gave up very quickly.)

Personally, I think I'm annoying, although sometimes cute. My voice is annoying. Too boasting, I think. So I don't know how anybody can stand me. :) But they somehow manage to get past that.

Tim is important to me now because of what he represents. What I can prove by trying to become friends with him. By doing something new and unsafe, uncomfortable. Little by little I keep trying. And often it doesn't work. John didn't want to go out with me. Nobody IMed me when I handed out my aim. And that stuff hurts, getting rejected when I try. But I also have to accept that I won't get rejected. I have to make it a reality that I don't get rejected. Whether that means that I will attract those who can connect with me or what - it has to originate from what I'm projecting to the universe. It has to start from me.

So I need to be open to connecting with people. To meeting people. To trying something new. To being unafraid. To disconnecting with people, to conflicting with people who are not my enemy, to being rejected. I just have to let the dynamics of interaction between people flow. I will attract what I project. So if I fear being rejected, I'll attract people who will reject me.

That's why Tim is important to me. I almost forgot my personal longing for him. He initially seemed like such a good addition to my life. Like he would compliment it. Realistically, I always realize that people don't always perfectly compliment my life and I may have realized a little more of that, the magic wore off from class. But I can't turn back from trying to be friends with him. I can't be scared off, be talked out of this by my fear. I have to do this.

I have to let things happen. Surrender to what will happen. Regardless of how it will affect me. Please me or offend me or hurt me.

And I'm so grateful for Kristen. Because she's my ally at the best of times. She's agreeable but not like Amelia, who agrees because I persuade her to believe what I believe. Kristen is more initiative, and therefore when she agrees I can hope that if she believes it, it's because she sees it in a similar way as me. Although I know that she likes agreeing to disparage conflict. :p but that doesn't mean she's always lying to me.

She just offers me a listening ear sometimes, a support that I really value. Even though it's not an every day thing. Perhaps it's part of having someone outside of the family. You know me, been without friends for so long I really don't know what it's like to have a close friend anymore, so it's novel. I've changed so much since the times when some of these things were still present. It could be another lifetime, for all I can tell.

Anyway, I feel a little sickly. My arm and head and throat hurt. Probably all about this stuff but I can't do anything about it at the moment.

Just one more thing - I'm so desperate for someone to care. It's crazy how much I love talking about myself. Everything about my life is interesting and fascinating to me and I want to share it to somebody. When I begin to be fond of people I immediately begin imagining conversations where I can tell them things about myself, express to them things about the way I think, my motivation, how I do things, what my opinions are.

It seems self-absorbed. It very well could be. But I like to be heard and understood and cared about. And I long for it, it's important to me. So it's one of the first things I'm excited about. And when I care about other people I often want to know about them too. Just not as much as I want them to know about me, I think. :p

I always feel guilty for always talking about myself to Kristen. It's almost like, every time she says something about herself - I more or less steer the conversation back to me. It's not that she tries to talk about herself and I ignore it. I respond back and I consciously try to ask her questions about herself so that she doesn't feel like I'm the center of attention, the only one that matters in our friendship. But it's hard, I still always feel like she's going to resent me for taking up a lot of the conversation.

But hopefully she knows that if she had something to say I would readily listen. When she slept over there was one point where she was talking and talking and talking away about friends and things. And I didn't mind at all, I liked it. And she apologized by the end and I was like nooo, you can talk as much as you want. I can listen as often as you listen to me. I want her to feel that she had the advantage I have with her, that support. That I'm not just draining her, using her, taking from her and giving nothing. Cause I care about her too.