So, I guess I'll write an entry. But let me tell you that this is taking away from valuable time in studying. I have three exams today. One of them is three essays and I've seen all the questions. It shouldn't be too hard because it mirrors reoccurring themes that we've dealt with all semester. Then an hour and a half after that I have to do like ten more essay questions and some matching and definitions for philosophy. Let me tell you, the biggest worry I have is that my hand is going to be aching. It hurts already just from writing down my damn study questions for the third exam I'm going to be taking, which is all M.C.

I'm a little worried about his questions because he tends to be randomly specific. Like instead of asking questions that speak to the general themes, facts and ideas, he takes very zooms in to one specific detail and asks a question about it. I studied like three or four hours for the last exam, and I did it right before class so it was all fresh in my mind. But I got like 8 wrong and he only had like 40 questions. I suppose I got a B, which isn't bad. But if you think about all the A's that I frequently get, it means that my potential and dedication, which most always get me an A, couldn't. And that tells me not that I suck at history, but that his questions are too particular. I wish I had realized this before this morning and could have told him, cause now it's too late.

So I could have been studying all day yesterday. I tried a little bit. I woke up at like 8 in the morning, even though I hadn't had a lot of sleep. I set my alarm specifically so I could read over my final draft of my Creative Writing story, print it out, and give it to Amelia to drop off in my professor's mailbox. I don't go to school at all on Wed and I had forgotten the copy at home when I went to class for the last time on Tuesday. Kind of sad, she was one of my favorite teachers. There was just something so neutral about her. And that kept me from resenting or loving her. I guess I just liked her passion for writing and writing topics and her advice was good, even though I independently have thought of some of the things already. I'm always happy when teachers are sharing with others good advice.

I've felt in all of my classes that the teachers weren't good enough. Well, mostly just philosophy and psychology. Surprisingly, Botsford was a really good teacher. And he did will after the midterm to concentrate on the objectives, be focused on exactly what he wanted us to learn. He also gets to the heart of history. He's kind of weird but I can admire him for just taking a peek underneath the basic facts. I'm used to pretty much living under the surface (in my head, I guess) but I can still admire his ideas and values. And Longley, of course, is a good teacher. She discusses a lot of good themes and ideas in the stories we read. Of course, I hated every single damn book and short story we read so that takes away from my appreciation for her teaching methods.

But I always felt that Kropp and Teo were lacking. It's hard to explain. With Kropp, there's something very superficial about him. He's very funny and entertaining and nice but as a teacher, he really really really skims the surface of psychology. I think he's lacking a lot. And I often feel sorry for the class, because of what they're missing. I just hope that they're independent learners like I am and can learn from the text when not from the professor.

With Teo it's not so much about superficiality. One thing he does is tell philosophy in more historical perspectives. He likes to say how things were and are and he likes to sum up their philosophies and compare. So he likes to say that one was theistic and one was polytheistic. But despite all of the labels, there is so much depth to the philosophies that I enjoy learning about - but he doesn't touch on. I think instead of getting an overview, I want to discuss philosophies in depth. Although, my class would probably not be receptive, because it seems to be over their heads as it is. Yes, now I've boasted twice about my abilities in psychology and philosophy. I can understand a lot and I'm good with concepts. I like to explore the depths, it's my passion. I immensely enjoyed reading my philosophy text book, but I found the classes to be a little too glazed from the real depth of the philosophies. There were too many classifications and you can't really classify all the contributions and changes of philosophy to any one system. There are many with varying degrees and different people guiding them in different directions over the years. It's not accurate to sum them all up in a few small ideas.

But I didn't feel that way with Creative Writing. Carito gave really good assignments, opportunities to read and share ideas, fun experiments in class with writing. And she shared a lot of articles and stories or poems with us - even though I may not have liked all of them. She also, as I said, gave good ideas as to how to make writing better. Things that I wish other people understood independently but if they don't, I'm glad that there's a teacher out there steering them in these directions. She didn't need to tell me to use a thesaurus, but I suppose I'll have to admit that she strengthened my view on writing, especially how professionals write and what considerations they have. It's good to form a solid foundation for writing, and a solid perspective on what the options are and what standards there are as well.

Plus I really liked her personality. Well, that's the thing. I didn't love her, so I wasn't disappointed with her. The ups and downs that I usually have with professors was absent from our classes. I was open with her and the little class in the closet-size room in a very, well... I guess you could say that it comes from sharing my writing. In a nonintellectual way. I usually volunteer my analyzes of all the topics and I suppose I feel superior but also estranged from the rest of the class, when I see things that they don't. And I don't like it, I try not to be too controversial. I don't want to be too revolutionary or conflict with the traditional ideas. Because it would honestly seem to be a critical analysis of the basic roots that make up the classrooms. In my head I'm throwing out all the basis for the systems of science, history, psychology and modern fiction :p.

But in Creative Writing, it was just about sharing ideas and it was very mellow and friendly. Some of the other work was fun to listen to and I liked it when they enjoyed my pieces too. I liked having opportunities to explore my creative talent. I usually don't make myself do those things. You know? I write journal entries and I write very intellectual reports. It's very intense. But then there was creative writing and that wasn't intense, it was simple and light-hearted. But interesting too.

Anyway, I'm running out of the allotted time I gave myself to write in here. I can't believe I always do this. I sit around thinking of things until I realize I've got something worth putting into my blog. Then I sit down and I get on a tangent and I never end up writing about my thoughts. The stuff that doesn't go through my head seems to come out in my blog entries, and through that is self-discovery, of course.

I really should have studied yesterday. But I enjoyed the day anyway. On Tuesday I had a lot of extra time to read and study, but it was cold inside so I went to sit in my car. I can stretch my legs all the way across the driver's seat and passenger seat and put my feet on the opposite windowsill, and my hair was hanging out to the window. It was warm but the open windows gave good air circulation so it was comfortable. One of the guys from my Western Civilization class passed my car and went to his and left, but came back like ten or twenty minutes later. And as he walked back to the school he passed my car and then turned around and came over to the window and said, Melissa, right? And then told me that he had bought me a sugarfree popsicle. I said, Oh, you did? or something in a sarcastic tone because I wasn't sure if he had been at the story and thought of me and bought it FOR ME, or if he simply had an extra one and didn't have anything to do with it except let it melt so he decided to give it to me. I don't know, but he told me it was because it was hot outside and I was very beautiful. :)

It was kind of sweet. I haven't gotten a lot of compliments lately. I wear a lot of skirts and boots and sassy outfits but I never get compliments and it becomes a statement that I'm merely me, instead of whatever label you want to give me. I don't walk around presuming people think I'm beautiful, I just walk around trying to look as beautiful as I am, whatever that means for other people. I like to reach my potential so that I'm confident and comfortable. It made me a little insecure to hear him say I was beautiful because then I had an expectation to fulfill and all the sudden my flaws threaten that. Whereas if I'm simply who I am, whatever the after-labels, it doesn't matter about my flaws because that's simply my potential and either you appreciate it or you don't.

But I still liked being called beautiful. He's pretty hot, although I don't like that he bleached his hair. He's talked to me before too, but it was only when he was skipping the midterm exam and hanging out in the parking lot and I came out 15 minutes later and he wondered if it was canceled but I told him I was simply done.

Anyway, I have noticed that the reason I haven't been writing in my blog is also because I haven't given myself the free time to do so. I wake up and either play with Isis or go to school. I then play with Isis until she goes to bed and then I hang out with Loren. Either we play a game or we watch a movie. I originally did surveys while watching the movie but I gave up on those and I can't do a blog while I'm watching a movie and hanging out with Loren. Almost every single night that we do it, I fall asleep. So I'm not up late waiting to have the free time to do it. And a movie is always playing so I can't concentrate on something else. It's almost a bother, but we've gotten into a routine. Honestly, he's watched a lot more stuff than I have during these nights because I always fall asleep. And then the next night, instead of repeating what I had missed but he'd watched, we start something anew, to which I ignore because I'm falling asleep again. So I have to catch up on the stuff that I've missed and it keeps collecting.

I guess I have to go back and study some more. I really have a lot of studying to do and it would not be prudent of me to avoid studying this morning to tell you all about my exciting day yesterday while I was then avoiding studying. So since I played yesterday, I'll have to work this morning and I can tell about yesterday later tonight or something..