It's hard, confronting three years worth of emotions by reading over my journal entries for my book. Sometimes I read passages from all three years in one night, because I skip around instead of work through it consecutively.

There's something oddly bittersweet about AFTER the break up with Mike. Oh man, but if I were to try to explain WHAT it is, I could only go wrong, because there are just so many conflicting emotions, depending on when I read and what I read.

I'm beginning to see the relationship with Mike in a semi-new light. I loved myself while I was with him, in a way that I had never before loved myself. And it was amazing. But that was the extent of it. He didn't love me enough and he didn't treat me well at all, I'm surprised at how badly he treated me.

I handled him so well. I had to bring out a compassionate maturity that I had never had before. I accepted him and coaxed him and nurtured him in such a beautiful way.

Pretty much until Isis was born, everything I did was infused with the break up. Everything about my life revolved around the break up. Everything I did was either directly about the break up, a trivial distraction from the break up, or in epic struggle against the break up's hold over me.

And that's something I never realized. Isis gave me something. Amelia did, as well. But still at that point, I was struggling to be happy without Mike, so even though I was developing a new relationship with Amelia and a new part of myself through my philosophical inquiries, it was really Isis and then Dan who brought out an actual novel life, that had absolutely nothing to do with the break up.

But, even though the things I held onto after the break up were mostly superficial and image-oriented, I kind of miss them. I miss the highs in contrast with the lows. Or maybe I'm entirely wrong about this and there's something underlying that I miss about that time. I miss the epic battle inside myself. I was pushing and pulling myself. Pushing to overcome all the pulling I was making happen in my emotional body with feelings for Mike.

I held onto all these crazy little things, all these distractions. My writing is funny and random because I was bitter over the break up and desperate to find any connection to reality. You know? Like I didn't have any substance, any roots with reality because my reality had been Mike. I didn't know what I had after he was gone. So I just grabbed at anything random and silly to pretend like I was involved in reality, when I really wasn't.

I was opening up a lot of philosophical theories that changed my outlook on reality, but I couldn't really talk to anyone but Amelia about them. It's a lot easier for me now. I'm comfortable. Letting go of Mike was like letting go of that superficial teenage life I had and never want to have again. That's what dropping out of high school was. Letting go of the meaningless life that I was following to go with the crowd.

Maybe this is all about my ego. Maybe my ego is nostalgic for the effort. I was trying so desperately to create an image that functioned away from Mike. Something I could be satisfied with. Music, designs, icons, wit. Simple things that felt good for me. I don't regret it. In retrospect, they were meaningless things. I used them appropriately and let them go when I was ready to develop something more important.

But there's still that strange bittersweet feeling.

Tom. What is it? He's going to the military and he invited me to his going away party, though I couldn't come. And I just remembered it was on Sat and it hit me so hard. Tom wanted to date me for so long and I rejected it all. I feel like I gave him nothing and it saddens me so much. There's something weird in connection to the bittersweet breakup and Tom.

I can't put my finger on it. Even if I could, I'd probably still have it wrong. There's probably something very underlying that I'm reading about the situation. Something that affects me in some manner I can't really be sure of.

Something empty. I guess, like I didn't do enough with Tom. Like I feel I didn't take advantage of his presence in my life. He tried so hard to be close to me. I took full advantage of Green Day and snowboarding but not Tom. And now the time has passed and Tom is gone. And I feel so unfulfilled. So empty when I think about him. There's something missing. I feel like I should have done more. It's really upsetting me. It's such a strange feeling.

I think that I felt so awful in general, that such small, sweet, simple, superficial things gave me such an extraordinary, healing high. It soothed me and nurtured me so much. I took it where I could get it. I don't have a hard time facing reality anymore, so I don't need these sweet simple highs and yet, I'm not truly fulfilling my passions so I'm not completely satisfied - so I'm kind of humming at a low frequency. If that makes sense.

It's sad to say this but I'm not fulfilling myself with Starbucks and Joe. It's not a bad relationship and I relish the comfort sometimes. He gives me things I've wished for so, so, so, so much since I broke up with Mike. Things I thought even Mike gave me, but he really didn't. And now Joe gives me these things that I asked for. It's a healthy relationship. But there's something missing. I just don't know that it's realistic to expect that in the future I'll be in a relationship with someone who can fulfill that missing aspect.

I feel so emotionally out of place and empty right now. It hasn't previously hit me this hard, reading over my entries. I have to say that it started when I read a message I wrote to Mike's mom a month after the final breakup. I don't know what it was. I didn't read the whole message, saved it for later, but it was such a different perspective than what I remember. A different side of the break up. The break up grew into this shadow of anxiety that just haunted me for months and months after. The proclamation - whatever it was, that I made to his mom, and her words back were just so touching in a way that I don't fully understand.

Maybe I'm just so used to remembering spite and anger and fighting. I didn't love myself after the break up and I struggled so hard to deal with it. I fought so hard, I resented so much, I feared so much. It was ugly. But it wasn't like that just a month after the break up. It developed into that, it developed into this obsession that drove me crazy.

I think that the final letter to his mom was almost like me putting closure on, this is hard to explain.... the way I felt for myself through Mike, was still reminiscent through his mom. I lost it with Mike and it haunted me. It haunted me to be reminded of it every day, all day long.

I don't know why I care though. I don't know why I find it beautiful and touching that I loved myself when I wrote to his mom. Because I love myself more than I ever did while dating Mike right now, don't I? Maybe I miss the challenge, the compassion that I had while dealing with Mike. Maybe a compassion that I had for myself. Even though, judging from my journal entries, I didn't really feel that compassionate for myself at the time.

Maybe it's that twin flame thing. That's so weird.

Ugh. I am just crying really hard right now and these emotions are so foreign to me. Maybe I'm just feeling things I've never let myself feel. Like the underside of a snail. That's why I said that I dealt with so many hard, aggressive, angry feelings after the break up. And this just feels so tender. Not comforting, just tender, raw.

Did I have something like that with Mike? Something so vulnerable and naive. And I hated myself for it afterwards so I developed something so sour and bitter. And I've carried it with me. It's not that I act sour and bitter, per se. It's just a shadow that hangs over my reactions, and my ability to be myself. I protect myself a lot more. Because Mike hurt me, betrayed me with our break up. I shared something with him. Something tender.

I feel comfortable with Joe. There's no doubt about it. I feel more secure and confident and comfortable with him. I definitely love myself more and I accept myself more. But there's still something stiff and hard about my relationship with him. Not an obvious thing, but a subtle nuance that I didn't have ANY CLUE of until now, until reading that letter.

I felt so foolish for trusting Mike so explicitly. I hated myself for trusting him. I hated that. I was always so trusting. It's like, these days, I have so much confidence that I don't actually fear and regret and hate as much as I used to. Because I know I can hold my own in any situation I get into. But I still haven't let go of that wall of protection. I still haven't allowed myself to breathe so naturally. To trust so fully.

I can tell that I need to release something cause my nose is stuffing itself up and as I talk it's clearing up again. I wasn't ready to trust so openly. I was too vulnerable because I didn't know how to love myself and thus, protect myself the true way. In love, there is no pain and there is no aggression or destruction. You can't bruise or break if you love yourself. It's the capability to be invulnerable.

I couldn't open myself up raw to the world and be okay. I got wounded from the things I experienced. I could deal with Mike all over again and not be wounded this time. Because I've grown stronger. But now I need to let go of that wall of protection. I need to surrender the fear that I may some day become hurt again. I need to have faith in the progress I've made.

I don't quite know how to do that right now. But now that I've identified the problem, I can just let nature take its course. We're naturally self-healing, if we only allow ourselves to do so. So I've just got to allow myself to do so. Stop holding onto any reasoning that tells me I need a firm wall of protection.

I haven't sneezed but my nose is running, so that means I'm releasing something.

Gosh, it took a long time for me to figure it all out. Lucky I have patience. Though I'm not entirely sure how Tom fits into that. Maybe because he was someone I could trust and I was too scared to recognize it. I don't know.

I have to work really hard to read through all my old journal entries this next week. I'm going down to Virginia to visit my parents the day after Thanksgiving and I want to have the reading portion done, if not the organizing part before I go.

I'm also going to start a website. I wrote an article for my parents website and they've had it for nearly 2 months but haven't bothered to read it even though it'll only take ten minutes. and I think they were meant to not read it, that's why they didn't feel the impulse to find the time - just the opposite. Because if they had, they would have put it on their website and I would have been satisfied with that. But now that they haven't, I still need my words to get out there, I need someone to listen and communicate with, someone to hear what I have to say, many someones. So making my own website will be a good start.

Though I'm scared. And that's one of the reasons why I wanted to go through my parents, because they would actually be the ones receiving the messages from people and I could almost anonymously post my work, and not directly connect with people. So I have to face my fear by directly reaching out to people who can communicate with me and connect with me on this level.

I should mention that I was already recommended to make my own website a few months ago, but I rejected the suggestion. I think I'll talk to my dad while I'm down there and try setting it up.

I feel like this election would have been more relevant to me, if there had been a woman candidate. So many people are grateful becomes this victory is the highest acknowledgment of their right to be American citizens. I think we should just throw out the term "african american" cause African, for a large portion of the "african american" generations is just a way of saying, dark skinned. It's not really referring to their cultural history. We sometimes refer to people as Irish Americans or something of the kind. But after even just one generation, if you grew up in America and especially if your parents grew up in America and ESPECIALLY if your grandparents grew up in America.... where they came from shouldn't be part of your identification label.

I mean, personally, the "african american" culture that I see here in America, didn't come from Africa. It was created in America and reflects the American culture, but to a certain degree, the "african american" american culture. Not that white people don't join in. (I'm talking about like the ghetto style, for lack of a better label.)

But if I was black and I had grown up in America and my parents had grown up in America and, well, if my former generations had been here since even slavery, I'd be pretty offended if I couldn't just simply be called, an American.

They should have just stuck with "black" and "white". But personally, any distinguishing name is kind of offensive. Because in America, is seems like "white" is the default, therefore to speak of "color" is to speak of the minority. And that's why it's relevant for the minorities to finally have a distinguished and honored representative.

And although I clearly understand the significance, I haven't really ever thought of their situation in a compassionate way. Because I've never oppressed the minorities. I've never been racist, I've never cared about lower class or race. So, I've never been sensitive to how it feels for them to be oppressed. It didn't really concern me.

But, Ashley, who is half African American. So she's half American American and half African American. Or part Spanish. I'm not sure, but she looks black in any case and she talks black in any case and she dates black guys, in any case... she called me a bitch like 17 times today. And it hurt. Naturally. I expressed honestly to her that I have never done anything to her, I have never given her attitude or treated her badly. I honestly did not deserve it.

And I had to cry. She was just having a bad day and she took it all out on me at the first opportunity. And it hurt. It seems that once my tears are full throttle, I can't make them stop. I don't cry often, but when I do, it's a force of its own. So I was trying to make my tears stop and I just said simply to myself, I know I'm not a bad person. End of story. A lot of people at work try to tear me down and they try to make me their enemy. And no matter what justification or excuse they come up with, I know that it's not worth it to fight them or acknowledge that they're my enemy. I only have to tell myself that I'm simply and naturally not a bad person. No way.

And I don't need to prove it. I don't need to struggle with it. I don't need to fight them for it. I don't need their validation. I'm just simply not a bad person. I think that throughout all of the fights I had in my lifetime and probably many more lifetimes, whenever someone accused me of being their enemy, of being a bad person in one way or another, when I argued back, I was half arguing with myself. I was half trying to prove to myself that I was not a bad person. Because I wasn't sure. And I've been trying to earn it like crazy in the past year being a friggen saint. though that wasn't my only motivation, of course.

But I felt that any spiritual progress and maturity and growth that I made would help me earn a little bit more worth. And that maybe if I reached perfection, I could ALMOST be worthy. But I didn't earn perfection through my progress. I only uncovered what was already there. I cleaned away the grime and I like what I found underneath. I like who I am.

God. All these times that I've even made progress with loving myself, I've always said that I loved myself at those times so passionately and excitedly. Like I needed a lot of enthusiasm and positivity. But I think that I always expressed my self-loathing by my inability to allow other people to love me. It made me uncomfortable to touch any situation where someone had good or bad feelings for me. Naturally, this is why I've avoided people since Mike and I broke up. Because if you're uncomfortable in every single social situation, it gets pretty futile to make friends and lovers and to even bond with your family.

I've had such a cloud over me. And to be honest, I am inspired by Obama's speech. I mean, I told this to myself in the bathroom earlier. But I feel like I can echo the cloud that's being lifted off the hearts of people who have felt oppressed by white america, and I didn't even realize it until now. I like myself. I don't have to tell myself that I love myself, the way you say you love your family because you feel you're obligated to love them even if you don't like them. I would seriously choose me as a friend. I'm fond of myself the way I'm fond of other people. I can enjoy my company and appreciate that I am good company the way I would any other good person.

But, there's a twist, I guess. The point of my story was that although I knew that I knew I was a good person, I still cried and it still hurt. Well it stopped hurting after my OFFICIAL STATEMENT. But I still cried.

And that's why I could imagine that even if an "african american" had an equal perception of racial equality, it would still be hurtful to grow up knowing that it's an issue to so many people. It hurts me that so many people at work have to debate if I'm a bitch or not. And usually, it's not much of a debate, they just agree that I'm a bitch.

And I think that although I always knew that it was their own world that defined who I was, their own reality that was projected onto me, I was worried that even though they were looking at me through a skewed perspective, I still MAY have done something to provoke it. I still MAY have done something to DESERVE it. and now I know that I haven't. I don't feel guilty. And I'm ready to accept that it is wholly their own perspectives being projected onto their own perspectives of my behavior. They see me how they want to. And I will never be able to present myself as I hope they see me, because it doesn't matter. They will see me how they want to.

And I have to let it be. I have to let their decisions be what they are. I can't struggle with them over it. It's going to be the way it's going to be. I need to know that I should and will do anything that I feel is right, regardless of how I hope it affects them. I can't be afraid to be myself just because I'm afraid to cross them. I can't be afraid to be controversial. Because when I'm a perfect little angel, I'm still a stuck up, tattle tail, cry baby, bitch with an attitude who sucks at life, inspires hate and is bad at working at starbucks.

I never did anything to earn those titles in the first place. I know that. I thought I may have with my attitude. But I have to have compassion for myself.

[23:39] Clawplagh: so because im completely random in conversation
[23:39] Clawplagh: are you good at forgiving people? is my next question
[23:39] IAMSpartacus117: yes.
[23:40] IAMSpartacus117: but technically I still hold a grudge when it's personal because, it's hard to explain, I don't always know how to be myself in a comfortable way around people who I conflict with.
[23:41] Clawplagh: oh. is that why youre always kind of defensive at work?
[23:42] IAMSpartacus117: I don't hold grudges in the least bit, nor do I get very angry. but yes, I get defensive.
[23:42] IAMSpartacus117: partly just because of the way I feel about myself. people don't enjoy situations where they don't feel good about themselves.
[23:42] IAMSpartacus117: so when I get in those situations, I have bad reactions.
[23:43] IAMSpartacus117: and it's not other people's fault. but they tend to escalate the situation because they aren't very sensitive.
[23:43] Clawplagh: ah
[23:44] IAMSpartacus117: and sometimes I don't know how to get back from that. It's like when you make someone the asshole and you don't let it go, and you always hold it against them. like we all do with Bryan. there's no way to come back from that. how do you think it makes him feel? it honestly only makes him worse.
[23:44] IAMSpartacus117: the only way to open up for better behavior is to give him a chance to have better behavior.
[23:46] Clawplagh: humans arent usually wired to think forgivingly, which does suck for people like bryan
[23:46] Clawplagh: heh
[23:47] IAMSpartacus117: I'm a compassionate person. I think that people reflect how they treat themselves by how they treat others.

And I have begun to be compassionate towards others, because I understand their psychology. But I kept thinking today, if only people could understand this about me. If only people could be compassionate about my situations. Why do I do the things that I do? Don't I have excuses for my mistakes? Not justifications, but reasons that are understandable. When you make someone the enemy, you've marked them evil. It's the classic situation of good and evil only each one thinks that they're on the good side and that their enemy is evil. How can I acknowledge that I can be anyone's enemy? When I'm no where near evil. I'm no where near selfish or immoral. I have to have compassion that even if I am defensive, I am not a bad person. Even if I give an attitude, I am not a bad person. Even if I come off strong, I am not a bad person.

I am no one's enemy. I will not concede to that. Yes, I would have never used that word if not for watching the election speeches tonight.

Most importantly, I'm not an enemy of myself. I've had such positive thinking and positive expression for myself over the past year. I've done incredibly. But it needed to sink in. I needed to believe it whole heartedly. And maybe I'm not 100% there. There's always progress to be made. But I've taken the next step, that's for sure.

Though, my anecdote has made me realize that how you feel that people feel about you is a reflection of how you feel about yourself. What you acknowledge and feel the ramifications of is not another's perception, but your own. If you feel badly, it was your own opinions that brought it about. And thus, you shouldn't require external validation.

Socially, as far as the government and social reforms go, it can't hurt to have more equality. But I don't push them as much because if I was black, I would never wait for an "african american" president to validate my racial or general worth. I think that if anything, we've been ready to accept equality. The people of America have been ready to accept equality. White america has been ready. But african americans needed to become ready to accept equality as well. They hung on to their status, if I'm not too bold to say. I know that's terrible generalization. But, many of them did, and I know this because many people of any race or gender or age, believe themselves to be victims and relish in it. And the african americans have been victims for centuries. They're trademark victims. And I think they hung onto it too long.

The other day I said, "so, this is a racist comment. I think that black people use the race card way too much." That's my racial judgment.

To a certain degree, we needed fighters. We needed strong black individuals who were willing to fight for their civil rights. But once they got them, it was their move. It was their turn to make a statement that they were willing to accept equality. And for a long time, they didn't. They still saw themselves as separate and victims of our differences. And they accepted their status to a certain degree. I can't judge fairly that they didn't have opportunities. I don't know what it's like to not have opportunities. I see them everywhere. But perhaps that's because I'm willing to see them everywhere. Perhaps I'm willing to acknowledge my opportunities and many black people have not been willing to acknowledge them.

I mean, the way I see it, a black person is not really a black person. A black person is a soul who has come into a skin. Just skin. I was probably black in a past life. It happens. There is honestly no separation for me because skin is just skin. Like the size of your ears. It's just a superficial chance. You get big earlobes, you get small earlobes. Not something to write home about. So I recognize that there is no skin underneath the surface and that there is no color or relevance to color underneath the surface. But I also believe that we are born into lives that reflect the mindsets we choose to have. And if we're born into a life with little opportunity, it's because we believe that there is little opportunity, and we're really only getting what we expected of life. Nothing new.

We like to say, "well I believe that I have no opportunities because I grew up with no opportunities." That's not how it works. You grow up with no opportunities by believing that there are no opportunities. You see what you want to see and you bring upon yourself what you ask for. You make your bed.

C'est. La Vie.

And if Obama got elected, it means that he is willing to have enough self-respect to believe that he can be the president. We've never had anybody even try have we? Same with women, I know that they have allowed themselves to be victims too long as well. I wouldn't even let Joe see me cry today because I knew he would hug me and pat me on the back and act like I'm a little girl who needs his big strong arms and I'm like - no, I don't need your big strong arms. Just as underneath the skin, there is no color, underneath the skin, there is no gender.

It should have been a black woman president. I want one of those.

But today doesn't mark the day that America has accepted black people. It marks the day that black people have accepted that America has accepted black people. And they need to live up to that. They need to recognize that if they want equality, they have to give up their victim status. Because white americans have too much pride to be pitied. Not that I admire that quality. But the american nature does not accept the slums. That's why our economy sucks. There's too much greed and gluttony and waste and not enough money to satiate it.

I have not a fiber in my being that says that "african americans" can't stand tall. But they need to believe it too. They need to be willing to stand tall now.

So, I had a dream that I saw a baby camel run through my back yard. At my old house. Hmm. That's a significance in itself. Old life. I never thought of that symbolism for my house in Hyrum. In any case, I ran after it and then I saw the mommy. It was huge. And I had horses, and one of them didn't like the camel. So they fought. They totally reared up on their hind legs - both the white horse and the camel. It was quite a spectacle, I can tell you. So, I think the horse won or the camels went home. And then I think the horse came down and sat next to me. I think it could talk and it was a close friend. Maybe my protector.

So I spent the dream in wonder of this incident, trying to tell people about how it had happened. I went to Joe's house and I parked in a place that pissed his mom off. And then I found out that Joe wasn't even there, he had gone to some camp or trip or something random in NYC. Without telling me.

And I think my sister was helping me move something. I think she had a car full of stuff and I had a van full of stuff, and that's why I'd parked on the lawn and pissed Joe's mom off. I don't know why or where I was moving the stuff to, though.

WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN? What does a camel and a horse fighting an epic fight mean? Something mysterious, evidently. Because I can't think of anything..

I have to go to the post office and go to work, though.

We'll talk about Disney philosophies later. I'll just keep telling myself Hakuna Matata for now.

So I'm fairly certain that I've officially figured out what my relationship with Mike was all about. I've been reading over journal entries and there is an extreme amount of variation in what I say about him, but it all essentially stems from the same issue. This issue about worth. An issue whose symptoms diffused throughout my emotional body and reached the surface in a multiplicity of ways but as I said, still underlyingly say the same thing.

And I can just delete all those words in a heartbeat. I mean, I still have a copy of them, but in this case, for my book, they have no relevance because all I need to know is this issue of worth.

I haven't yet summed up the issue with Dan yet. I was battling such an intensity with Dan. Because of the state of mind I was in. In prior flings I had always dealt with very strong and wild emotions. That was a pattern. But this time, I was dealing with the deepest, revolutionary, life-changing philosophies. And yet, I still had the desire to heal, to be loved, to have worth.

So, I mean, I couldn't cleanse myself of emotional involvement, even though I wanted to. I wanted to look at the realistic, serious side of God and life. But I still needed to fix things in my emotional body. And that battle between philosophical reality and emotional reality made everything about Dan very grave and sressful.

It was essentially the same issue as with Mike, of course, because all relationships have had that same theme. I enjoyed Mike because he made me feel worthy. I lamented our breakup, I obsessed over our breakup because I missed that feeling. It had been ripped away from me and I needed it back. And it took a long time to come back from that, to develop a lifestyle that I could thrive in, despite not having Mike. And I just kept dreaming about Mike, knowing that he represented something, but I didn't know what. I don't dream about him anymore. Because I know now what it represented to my subconscious. Worth. Mike represented my way to have self-worth.

And Dan was my way of coming back from that in the sense that I couldn't until that point let anybody affect me the way Mike and Amelia had. I couldn't bond with anyone, I couldn't respect anyone. I needed to open up to people again. But I was also very addicted to Dan's own version of giving me worth. And because of the newfound philosophies and him being an adult and me becoming an adult, everything was very, very intense. With Mike, I was happy. Miserable throughout the breakup but happy with him. With Dan, everything was just very intense.

Obviously, I never got to be in a relationship with him. For a year, things were pretty much just up in the air. Always tense.

And it's funny.. I finally have, again, what I had with Mike. With Joe. Only better. It feels emptier. But that emptiness is me being devoid of emotional baggage, drama. So I have less anger, less hate, less frustration, less fear, less misery, less fighting, less self-loathing, less passion. Sure, I'm empty of those emotions. But am I stupid enough to complain about it?

And it's not like I suddenly became worthy and was given Joe. Because I recognize that there were other people similar to Joe, like Tom, who wanted to date me for a very long time. But I couldn't feel anything for them. I was attracted to the emotional, dramatic people like Mike and John. I was attracted to people who were not capable of appreciating my worth like Dan and James. Because I wanted to open my eyes to issues they could spark.

And the fact that I chose to go out with Joe only shows that I'm finally ready to let that go. I'm finally ready to move on from that theme of that pattern with that particular type of guy.

And I do love Joe. And I miss him when he's not here. He's my spine. My emotional and even physical support. Willing to be there for me. And it's not a one way street. It's not like he adores me and worships the ground I walk upon. He's not my slave. He helps me and I help him. I think we both give willingly. And take sparingly. But because we're both always giving, we hopefully don't feel without. You know? And that's how it should be. Instead of both people taking and neither of them giving or one person taking and one person giving. I do everything I can imagine to help make his life better. Except give him a blowjob. Not that he would ask. :P

And he does everything he can think of to make my life better. I don't feel like I need to beg any more of him than he gives me. And he doesn't ask a lot of me, though I feel that's because he feels he doesn't deserve to ask - something I'd do anything to help him contradict in his belief system.

And it's funny. I think, as a woman, we have this natural compulsion to be adoring and attentive. It's a motherly quality to take care of things, to nurture, to run the household and the relationship while the father is the figurehead. So in a sense, we ignore guys who would give us the same adoring and attentive quality we ourselves possess for men. And that's why nice guys finish last. But it's so amazingly crazy to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't give.

I never thought so. Because I never thought that I deserved to have it. And that's why I always had a begging quality. Because I always felt like a beggar. I felt like I didn't naturally deserve anything, thus, all I would ever get is what I convinced someone to give me through pity and compassion for my situation.

It seems so familiar to have someone who wants to give. Because I've possessed that quality for my lovers as well. But it's so new and amusing to have it on the opposite side.

And yeah. It's a little boring, a little dull. Because there's no negative drama, which I don't miss, because it made me MISERABLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. But to contrast the misery, there was a manic feeling. Overstimulation that couldn't last and didn't sincerely mean anything. But filled a quarter of my time with a high that I craved the other 75% of the time while I was miserable. And that's part of the misery, the absence of that manic emotion. It was always one or the other. So if I wasn't manic, I was miserable and I was in a panic to find a way to get the mania back.

But as I've said before, we allow our emotions to become the dictionary for reality. They define the meaning of life for us. And I feel like I can't define this relationship because I have no emotions negative or positive. But I'm happy. And satisfied.

I miss the mania. I miss the need, the emotional lust for the mania. That's kind of how it's been in the past year. When the mania was absent, instead of going to the opposite extreme and hamming up my misery, I learned to just lust for the mania in order to fill those moments. And I spent so much time doing exactly that. Lusting for a relationship, for a person who could give me that mania.

And I almost said no to Joe, because I wanted someone who would make me feel manic. I wanted a lifestyle that I could be proud of. Whenever I imagine it, I think of what would make me proud. But I forget that pride is empty in itself. And that even if I had that situation, I would probably be sitting there bored and lost and wishing I was alone.

I don't need Joe. But I enjoy him. And I have all of the physical stuff I've been craving for centuries. I have warmth, hugs, kisses, making out, sitting on his lap, touching, foreplay and sex, to a degree. We've only been dating for two weeks, so we haven't really established a habit yet. Not that that sounds very appealing. But I have all the security and comfort I wanted physically. And I get to sleep in his arms, because I live in my own apartment now. And I get to see him at work, which I love. Though the managers yell at me every damn day for being at Famiglias. Which sucks because I've gone there on my breaks like... always. Even before I was dating Joe. Because I like all the people who work there, at least the males, and I'm so bored on my breaks that I chat with them to fill the time. The managers didn't like it, but now that they know I'm dating Joe, they automatically think that I'm over there distracting him from his work. So they kick me out.

It frustrates me. It frustrates me that I'm getting yelled at constantly because then I feel that I'm constantly letting them down. And it frustrates me because I don't want to stop going over there. So I'm just going to keep getting yelled at. I wish they would lay off. I'm not distracting Joe. I just like to watch him work and chat with the guys. And Joe listens, so I can go over there and tell him a little about my day. And eat pizza too. Though that's an issue in itself because I'm supposed to pay for the free pizza they give me... so I can't eat it there because otherwise the managers will realize they never gave me their card for the discount.

It's funny, though. Because I didn't pay for it twice a few days ago and I just looked right in the managers eyes and even talked about my choice of food and stuff. Unabashedly. Which makes me a really good liar and that's not a fun status to have. Because then when you get caught, they know that you're not guilty for it. They know that you're not ashamed of your lies. But it relieved some of the stress. lol. Cause I was afraid to get caught, though not guilty. All of us do it when we can. And so much food gets thrown away that you feel like it's worse to not eat it, than to eat it. I first only ate food that was going to be thrown away except the soups and the pizzas. Though I would happily eat some if I was over there when they throw it out. even though the pizzas are not very good when they're not fresh. Same with the pastries, but they sometimes throw them out at the end of the day even if they are still fresh enough.

I want some soup now...

But if I go there I'll get yelled at because now apparently everything I do is in order to distract Joe. That pisses me off. I went in the other day on my day off. I wasn't even talking to Joe, I was in the front hall but closer to Starbucks than anything and I was with my sister and Isis, though not at that exact moment when Pete, a manager, came over and told me to leave. Not in a mean way. But he said "get outta here." and I protested because I'm a customer. And he sad it again. And I protested and he said it again.

He didn't say it mean and I didn't argue defensively. Actually. He said it like he knew I was bending the rules by being there, because we're apparently not allowed to be customers if we work there. I can understand them not wanting us to run around the back offices or come into the concepts and confuse the customers. And I argued back softly like I knew I was bending the rules too but I thought I would give it a shot anyway.

And yeah, I did say hi to Joe. Though my whole point in coming was to give him his contacts, cause he'd left them at my house. And I'm glad I did because he said that during football practice his glasses couldn't fit under his helmet so he basically just couldn't see at all. But it was on a really slow day. I couldn't possibly get in the way of customers because there were none.

I wanted Joe to see Isis do her ABCs on her birthday and Isis adores being there. She fought us so much to leave after Pete kicked me out. Amelia didn't want to be there either but Isis loves being in public for some reason. She's shy when you introduce her to someone, but she loves saying hi to random strangers. I don't get it. If you're in a house or you go to a house and there's only one person there, she won't say anything. She won't look at them, she won't say hi. But if you go to the store, she walks off on her own and says hi to everybody she sees and she talks to them about her bah bah or the crackers she wants or the doggie she's just seen.

It's not strange because it's backwards. It's strange because I didn't think a baby would be able to differentiate between the situations. Like she can distinguish the situations that symbolize something for her, so she knows that something about being introduced to someone makes her afraid. Probably the direct pressure, her mom is like that too. But something about the freedom of being in public but knowing that everybody there is a stranger, thus, there are no expectations and that releases her shyness and lets her open up more. When people look at her or pay direct attention to her she feels pressured and she closes her eyes and pretends to be asleep. But when people are just standing around scanning the products on the aisle, she feels that they're approachable and she makes small talk with them.

Anyway, there is still some emotional drama with Joe. Like, he smokes. I knew he used to smoke and I thought, before we dated that he did smoke. But then he lied to me and told me he didn't smoke. But I caught him smoking twice. The first time I got mad because he was smoking during my break and I wanted to hang out with him but he was outside with Ashley and I waited for him at Famiglias but he was gone for like 20 minutes. So I hammed it up a little bit jokingly, with the help of my Starbucks friends. But then someone told me that Joe had had a bad day so I ran out there to hug him and let him know that I wasn't mad because that was only added stress and it wasn't serious for me.

I never told him he couldn't smoke, though I won't pretend I like it. But I forgave him that day because he said it was because of the stress. That was actually the first day I said I love you. Cause he said it before we were even dating but I couldn't say it. But that day when he said I love you I automatically said it back without thinking about it. Because I did care about him, and that is love.

But then the other day I came out to tell him that I was staying late and Melissa said he was outside taking a smoke break, I went out there but couldn't find him, so I went back in, but couldn't find him inside so I went back out and he wasn't smoking so I asked him if he had been and he said no, he was only getting some fresh air. Totally lied to my face. But then I smelled it on his breath so I asked him again and he said he'd only taken a drag.

And that hurt a lot. Both times I walked away and pretended like I didn't care. I, for some reason, didn't allow myself to emotionally react in front of him. I immediately blocked the emotions and walked away to process them slower and on my own private time. Though I always tell Ron things cause he acts interested. Like he's not seriously interested, but he listens and jokes around about me and Joe and asks questions. He works in Starbucks so he's on my side of the fence. Someone I won't get yelled at for talking to.

Ugh, and I wanted to work at Famiglias. Not now. But I wanted it to be an option, cause I like it there. Though it is fucking easy. All you have to do when there's a customer is put the pizza slice in the oven and ring them up. No preparation under pressure. And I may miss preparing the drinks and the cleaning and having to actually do work if I went over there. But I wanted to know that if Starbucks got to be too much, that I would have other options - Famiglias. Now there is no way a manager would ever let me do it. They would automatically assume that I'm doing it to go over there and flirt with Joe all day and they would assume that we could never get any work done and that we'd be hugging and touching all day.

Ugh. I wanted to go there before I even knew Joe's name. Before I'd ever even said a word to him. They'll never believe that. Destiny, who works there, asked if I wanted to switch with her so that she could work at Starbucks. But she asked at a really inopportune moment. EVEN THOUGH I HAD JUST BEGUN DATING JOE. I still said no.

Moo.

Anyway. I block my emotion in first reaction. That's what I learned. I'm disappointed that Joe smokes. But there is no margin for lying. He has to trust me. He has to trust that I'll love him despite the truth. He doesn't have to tell me everything but if I ask directly he can't lie to my face, like three times. Because he had previously said that he quit smoking years ago.

And I didn't yell at him or show any anger at all. I just walked away, back to Starbucks. He sent a couple people over to ask if I was mad and I was like, am I supposed to be pleased that he lies to my face? No. Well then that's your answer. Though I didn't say anything about the smoking. But he felt really guilty and I went over there on my break and told him that I didn't care about the smoking but he couldn't lie to me.

BUT we had originally had plans to hang out. It was a Sat night and we take those nights to sleep over because he usually can't on weekdays because he's still in high school. We were going to go to his homecoming but he had to work. And I had already told him I was okay with it, that I didn't want to go anymore. Though he felt he had disappointed me so that made him moody. And the cigarette thing just went on top of that. But while I was mad he called his friend to pick him up after work. Instead of going home with me. So when his friend showed up I again said to his face that I wasn't mad.

Yes, I LIED to his face. But over the opposite issue. Not something that would make him mad, but something that would make me mad. I was in denial about my own anger. But I left and just said bye across the hall to him, without giving him a hug or a kiss. I couldn't fake it. I couldn't fake any softness or sweetness, cause my emotions were frozen in mid-air. I didn't want to feel the pain. So I walked out to my car and he yelled across the parking lot but I ignored him. I was going to wait in my car for him to get there but he didn't think I would so he ran all the way across the huge parking lot and he asked if I was mad at him for leaving with his friend and I said no, and he said it seemed like it. But I lied again.

So he started walking away but I asked him if he was going to give me a kiss goodbye and he said that I was closing the door in his face, which I was. So he kissed me goodbye and started walking away but I felt bad because he'd just run all the way across the parking lot and he was breathing heavily and it showed he cared, so I told him to come back and I gave him a huge hug.

But as soon as he left I got hit with a bunch of pain. I was hurt that he would leave me when we so obviously had plans to hang out, to not only hang out but to sleep over. I was hurt that he was smoking behind my back and that if there was a reason for him smoking it was one I was unaware of. We had come together because he had slept over the night before and it felt like something had happened and I'm like, but nothing could have because he's been with me this whole time. He was being so distant and moody and then he ditches me in such an obvious manner. He said that he had called his friend while I was mad at him and that pissed me off more because that showed that he was punishing me for being mad at him.

Like when you do something wrong and someone gets mad at you for it, you spitefully or vindictively do something more that will punish them for punishing you. Yeah, I've done it a million times. You want to get a reaction out of them, you want them to suffer. And that made me mad. That he would do that to me. That he would pretend like he'd called his friend because he thought he weren't going to hang out because I was mad. But I came back like ten minutes later and told him I wasn't mad and everything was okay. And he had like two or three hours to call his friend and change his mind, but he didn't.

I worked 11 hours that day so that I could stay and be with Joe while he worked overtime, and so that we could go home together and first he gets moody and silent and then he smokes behind my back and then he lies about it and then he runs off with his friend as soon as he gets caught. All I wanted to do was go to his homecoming and sleep in his arms and he just had so much going on and he wouldn't communicate with me about it and he just kept his distance and it hurt a lot.

So I cried in the car. I sent him a text but he and his brother share the cell phone bill and they haven't paid it yet so his cell is shut off. For a while he could still receive texts and calls but now he can't so he didn't get them. He came on aim and I said that I was mad and he said sorry a million times but I didn't care to hear it so I told him to go away and he did. And I avoided the emotion further by watching Friends. It gave me some good laughs.

But I gave him my single bed cause his broke and I had just bought a queen sized bed. His dad was supposed to pick it up ages ago but he hasn't, so Joe came the next morning to get the bed. I thought he wouldn't since I was mad at him and I thought he would further avoid and reject me. But I think he went off with his friend to punish me and then I told him I didn't want to talk to him on aim to punish him for punishing me, and in doing so turned the tables. So he had to come the next morning and get me to stop being mad. I wasn't responding very much even though his dad told me I looked sexy even in pajamas....

But then Joe said that he couldn't get a ride to the 5hour thing for getting your license and I automatically got lost in my compassion and offered to take him myself and released my own emotion in doing so. I had plans to ignore him at work and ignore him all week but I couldn't. And Sunday was an intense day so I got lost in that.

Starbucks is a very high pressured place to work in. It's very intense. The service industry IS intense, but out of all the concepts in the plaza, Starbucks is the most intense. And perhaps the Starbucks customer is the most intense as well. Not to mention we gravitate dramatic people working there, so they don't make things any easier.

I am not exaggerating when I say that we had at least 20 if not more drinks lined up across the counter waiting to be made. Empty, labeled cups. And I couldn't pore the damn milk because every time I'd go to do it, the cashiers would call three more friggen drinks and I'd have to scramble for the marker to mark more cups before I forgot what they had ordered.

Brittany was too busy making free drinks for her friends and not marking cups when she was supposed to be. And she was highly offended in a spoiled brat way that I wouldn't make the drinks for her friend, so she was being all haughty and uncooperative. And Matt burned his hand and had second-degree burns which he ignored at first but he was so stressed he wasn't much help, even though I desperately needed him because he's a good barista.

Then Brittany got on register because Martin kept calling drinks and not waiting for us to hear them and write them down so we kept missing drinks. But he cant do bar, he doesn't know how so he couldn't help me. So I don't even know how I did it. I was so mad at our manager for not friggen helping us. She came in and just cleaned a little and that's it. I needed her to make mocha but I had already made it in like .05 seconds because she wasn't there, even though I had to search the whole building for scissors and ended up borrowing a knife from Famiglias.

The truth is, Pam is old. And if we can't handle the stress of making the drinks, neither can she. She can't hear as well as us, she can't remember as well as us and she can't make the drinks as fast as us. So she really wasn't any help.

Needless to say, nobody who ordered nonfat milk that day, got nonfat milk. And the shots were all over the place. They were either old or I couldn't remember if they'd already been put in so I just put a half of an old one in there to make sure it tasted like it.

The only ones I paid attention to were the soy ones because some people are allergic and I respect that. Everything else was extremely sloppy. And naturally, we kept getting errors. Matt blamed Martin calling them out wrong. And maybe he did. So we had to remake a bunch and of the 20 or 25 sitting on the counter, we were still missing at least five that we hadn't heard at all.

For some reason on busy days we always have leftover drinks that nobody takes. Either they leave without it or we got called it and then at the register they changed their minds and the cashiers didn't cancel it or we just make extra drinks on accident. We had just a swarm of people waiting for their drinks and only one drink was left there.

I thought that more people would sense the hopelessness of the situation. They could see at the register that there were 40 cups lined up along the counters and a mass of impatient, unhappy people.

Like, the thing with a service industry is that you're trying to please the customers. No matter what. Even if there's something wrong, you're still trying to make things right. But I knew that it was a hopeless situation. I didn't even pressure myself to try to make things right because I knew it was impossible. In fact, I was laughing and smiling and making jokes because I had so detached myself from even expecting that one single drink needed to be perfect, so I didn't feel any stress at all. In the least bit. I just knew it was hopeless. And accepted it.

I didn't even bother to say, sorry for the wait to any of the customers or Have a nice day. Because there was no way to fix it. No way to make it right. There were just too many customers and not enough hands. Not enough mobilization. We could have done it but we didn't have any team work whatsoever. Usually there are two people on bar. One to label the drinks and do syrups and one to do the shots of espresso and the milk. The one side deals with the cashiers and listening to drinks and the other side deals with the customers and sometimes the complaints or remakes. But we only ever really had one person on bar that day. Doing both. And on a slow day, it's no problem. But as I said, when you're getting called three drinks each minute, no exaggeration, you can't get anything done because you're too busy having a sharpie and an empty cup in your hand instead of milk or espresso.

And if there's a time to catch up, you can. Even if there's a line of drinks, you can still catch up. But not if its constantly busy. Later on the manager came and helped me on bar because Matt had gone to emurgentcare, now that I think about it, I think that's the little doctors office in Coxsackie. But when she helped it wasn't very busy and shortly after she left I had a small rush of drinks again and I ignored all the nonfatness again. Cause you have to steam the milk. So you only get one or two drinks out of each "steamed milk portion". So you have to keep refilling the milk and wait until it's done. And you have to hold the jug for the cappuccinos because you need foam, so you can't even set it down and then do other things. And then after a few times, you have to open up a new gallon of milk. To deal with opening those things, steaming, pulling the shots - and variations of them all because some want one shot or three shots or soy milk or the steamed signature hot chocolate which has its own pitcher. And then there's whipped cream or caramel drizzle. Plus putting on the lids and calling them out to the customers.

Not to mention you have to listen to them complain about you getting it wrong or listening to their questions while the cashiers are still calling out drinks and you can't mark the cups right away so you forget or you get them wrong. And then you have to run around trying to find the marker and put the initial syrups in and all the little "qualifications" as I like to put it, that go on the cup. Like one person wants the regular drink but with extra this and none of that or whatever.

It's just too much to do for one person.

And I've actually only been doing bar for about three weeks. And even then not that often because I'm usually stuck on register aaaaall day. So all things considered, I was the least experienced person getting stuck with this stuff.

But like I said, I wasn't stressed. Matt was because he had been there for an hour, and he still expected to please the customers but I came in right in the middle of it and I knew that there was no hope. He started out pleasing the customers and didn't want to lose that. I was ready to just accept defeat in the first inning.

So that's why Matt was making mistakes. Burning his hand and spilling drinks all over himself. He's the happiest person ever. And he was just so miserable and stressed out. And now he has a big ol blister from the second degree burn. It wouldn't have gotten so bad but he pretended like it wasn't as bad as it was so he didn't treat it with the first aid kit. I have before and mine might have blistered too, if I hadn't of. But Matt wouldn't leave in the middle of the chaos, even though he wasn't actually helping very much at that point.

It was so dumb though. I came in the next day and all Jasmine and Ashley could do was complain. Ashley, because she had a register and Russ didn't pull her on time so she had to stay 15 minutes past the end of her shift. And Jasmine was mad because me and Matt didn't pull pastries from the freezer the night before when we closed. They need time to thaw so they can sell them in the morning and they had pretty much none. I had thought of it but I ignored it because Matt was the superior or senior and I left the responsibility to him. Which is hypocritical for me, but understandable for them. Like, I wasn't to be blamed because I'm fairly new, even though I see myself as an independent worker who doesn't just dump things on the superior's shoulders, but takes her own initiative. But I was too busy flirting with Joe, actually.

:p

Anyway, it was so sad, because it was so trivial after a day of havoc and wreckage and Matt's second-degree burns. And they were just so angsty and pissed off and pessimistic. I couldn't take it. Jasmine was so negative and bitchy and I realized that she's always going to bitch and find something to complain about because if there are nine of ten things done, there's still gonna be something not done. You know? And then there's still going to be something to bitch about. So if there is, she's gonna find it. She is an awesome worker. She's so speedy, so efficient. She's the best person there. But that's the thing, she's so great at it that nobody compares. So nobody is more efficient than she, thus, she will always have something to complain about.

So ironically, this was yesterday, and after Jasmine and Ashley left, two people from high school came and they had to leave early because they were minors. So that left me and Beth to close. We've both been there for about the same time but Beth works part time so she knows half of what I know, even though she's a fully capable adult. And Brittany was being a spoiled brat again. Because I was on register alone before Beth came in and Brit and Timmy were just in the corner gossiping for like two hours. I couldn't do anything because even though it wasn't busy, there's still always at least one customer. There are only seconds pause between when one customer walks out and another walks in. And I had to be there to greet them. They were only on bar making the drinks so they could chat to themselves.

And they wouldn't share it with me, it was some big secret. Not that I really care, though if it was about Matt I want to know. It was either about sex or someone being gay, I'm not sure. Anyway, it doesn't matter but I jokingly said that they were having a fun day because they could just gossip all day while I was doing all the work.

But Brittany started arguing with me about it and giving me attitude because she's "where she's supposed to be" even though it would have been nice if one of them had gotten a register so that they could pick up the pace and deal with customers more efficiently. If a manager had been there, they would have honestly told them to do that. I swear they would have. But Pam did not think the schedule through, obviously since she'd given us the two newest people on the busiest day of the week and she'd had me and Beth closing alone.

Plus, even if you don't have a register, you're supposed to be "running" for me. Which means that you get my coffees and my pastries and you rebrew the coffee. Plus, you ask the customers if you can get a drink started for them so that by the time I'm finished with my customer, all I have to do is ring them up. And Timmy knows this. He did it a tiny, tiny bit. But he was too busy gossiping to do it.

So I was originally kidding but Brittany always blows things out of proportion and gets argumentative. She likes to put people down to make herself feel better and she has to be right. I think she's not a good person. Deep down. But otherwise she reminds me of me when I was like 11. Selfish and egotistical and argumentative.

So I commented back a little bit. But not really. But she just wouldn't let it go so she kept saying sarcastic things out loud. And I just kept ignoring her, I didn't say anything. But she wouldn't let it go. She just wouldn't drop it. And I kept ignoring it, but she wouldn't drop it. So she held onto the hostility throughout the night. I think it bothered her that I wouldn't engage in it. It reeeeally aggravates her when she can't get her way. She's a little princess.

So she kept saying things to Timmy, though Timmy wasn't being very hostile. Just a tiny bit. He asked me if I was on my period because he thought I was being bitchy and I said that I wasn't. They kept offering sarcastically to help me close. Like they were like, maybe if she's nice I'll do some dishes before I leave. But they were really too busy gossiping and then bitching at me, to get any work done. Brittany kept wandering off, but I didn't care cause I didn't need her help, since it was such a slow day.

When I went on break, I went to go talk to Joe but then Donna yelled at me to leave and I had Absolutely nothing to do but eat and I didn't feel like it so I pulled some stuff from the back, boxes of cups and pastries and things that we needed. We were actually pretty set from earlier on. I guess from having Jasmine there all day. Most of the time the people there just let everything get drained. Like they wait until the last cup is gone before they restock. But me and Jasmine restock when it's half-way empty. We always like things to be full and neat and abundant.

In any case, because we're not getting paid on our break and because it's the law that we need to take a break if we're working more than four hours, it doesn't really make sense to work while on break. But I had only been able to take a break because Beth had just come in and Timmy was about to leave so I knew that I wouldn't have a chance to pull things and since Donna had yelled at me, I couldn't talk to Joe on my break so I took the opportunity. And Brittany was so mad at me for doing it because that meant that things were getting done. And she was so stuck on her decision that I was going to fail. So she bitched at me for working on my break and I was like, do you honestly care that I'm working on my break? Like she was trying to convince me to rest instead of work. Like a friend would, but in an accusing way. Like I was doing something wrong, I was stupid, because I wasn't getting a chance to rest and eat. And I was like, yeah, right, like you care. The only reason she cared is because I took the chance to succeed and she wanted me to fail.

She kept making comments about how we needed her help to close but she wasn't going to help because I was being rude. I was like, I. DON'T. WANT. YOUR. HELP. very firmly and she was like, well with that attitude I'm not going to help you. And I was like, well, I don't want it, so it works out. But as I said, she has to get her way and she has a very personal attachment to things of this nature. So it infuriated her ego that I didn't need her help.

It happened another day when we both had a register and Matt was on bar but he left to unload the truck so I went on bar and she asked if we could switch, but I was to be on register for another few hours and she was leaving in ten minutes to go home. So I said no, I'm going to take this opportunity to be on bar, because after that I'm going to be stuck on register all night. And NOBODY likes it, because you can't do anything at all but pay attention to customers. You're a slave. You can't even really get work done, because all you're doing is taking orders. You never have a second to restock or clean, and the people on bar just sit there and gossip instead of doing efficient things that they have the freedom to do. So I can't and they won't and that makes me mad.

So that day I took my chance, Brittany had already been on bar earlier to cover someone's break while I was on register. So after I said no she got mad. So she kept calling out drinks and I was very busy cause there was a slight rush, though when there's only one person on register, there are less drinks at a time, so you have a moment to get things in order, besides the fact that about every other customer just orders plain coffee or pastries and the person on the register deals with that on their own so you have time, though I was working on drinks constantly and fast.

And she was like, well, you wanted to be on bar. In a - I told you so - voice. But I didn't regret being on bar just because I was busy. I could handle it. So I said nothing and I was more determined to show her that I was perfectly fine on my own. So I did, but I think that she purposely sabotaged me right before she left because she didn't call out some of the drinks. I noticed because the people were at the bar waiting and I asked them what drinks they were waiting on and I was not busy enough to have forgotten and when there's no one else in there, it's quiet so you can always hear when they call it out. Sometimes there are just so many people that you can't hear a damn thing.

But my point in saying this is that Brittany will actually go to those lengths to prove that she's right. So that's the kind of attitude she has. Where she will not only try to rub something in your face but she will actually go out of her way to make things worse for you so that she can prove herself right. Like she saw that I was getting the drinks and she hated it and she knew she was about to leave so she just decided not to call the drinks before she left. It could have been an accident, but I wouldn't put it past her.

And she was like that yesterday too. Always trying to say whatever it took to prove me wrong. So she was like, oh well I feel sorry for you, Beth - but I'm glad Jasmine is opening tomorrow, you guys are lucky, cause she will be more understanding than Bryan. And then when she left she looked around and said that things weren't looking so good so I guess "your plan didn't work". Even though, all that was a reference to my ability to clean. That's it. You close up, stop dealing with customers, and you clean and restock and that's it. And she was so convinced that we were incapable of doing it. When actually, every single time there's a bad closing it's because someone is lazy. I've seen it over and over and over again. Laziness. It's simple to clean. It's just laziness that says - ahhhhh, whatever, I want to go home. And before the end of their shift, usually.

But I like to get all my hours in, and I have no problem working hard. Plus, I love to clean and I love to be responsible. I love to be in charge. So I was excited that I could do things my way and get the credit for it. You know? Even if I had restocked the pastries Sunday night when Matt was there, he would have gotten the credit because he was the lead worker. But it brings me satisfaction to be recognized as a hard worker when I am a hard worker. So this was an opportunity to prove myself and since Jasmine had just been bitching all day, I was eager to prove her wrong by doing everything right.

But I was so stuck in proving her wrong. You know? When I was younger, I would have argued. But I have never argued with Brittany. I know what she's like and it's not at all worth it. So I always ignore her, but I know from personal experience that that never shuts a person up. And usually, when you don't engage, they have nothing to go on, so they make stupid shit up. So everything she said was extremely stupid.

She asked if I wanted her to call Justin in. Don't get me started. He is a really lame worker. Everybody knows it. He's a supervisor but he just wanders around like a ghost instead of doing any work. But Brittany is completely in love with him, though I'm not exaggerating when I say that nobody likes her because she's very annoying and needy and she doesn't connect with people. She's always obsessing over them but she never understand their emotions or how they feel and she's very controlling. Justin doesn't like her at all but she's madly in love with him. So she thinks he's an amazing worker if I think he sucks. But she knows he sucks anyway, I've seen her bitch at him.

So she wanted to call him in and he's the worst person to call in so I said so. and she was so offended and decided to tell him. Like I care. I've already told him to his face that I think all he does is slack off. But it just infuriates her. She keeps trying to control the situation and keeps trying to convince other people of the situation when it's so clearly not true. And the fact that I'm never intimidated because usually the situation defends me all on its own - like when she thought I needed her help on bar but I got every drink done perfectly - it just infuriates her more and she gets hung up on finding anything that will make me look bad so she just talks out loud or says things sarcastically out loud about random things that she thinks will mock me, but don't really. And I don't engage or show I'm bothered so she tries harder and thus becomes more stupid about it.

So she left early because she had clocked in early. I didn't care. But I went to get the keys to close because I thought that she was leaving at 9 - like she was meant to. But it was only 8:37. And I didn't want Donna to think that I was trying to close early, so I said, Oh, I guess I thought it was nine because Brittany is leaving. Which is the reason I thought it was nine. I heard her babbling about how she was leaving early but I didn't pay attention at all. So she left but she must have been questioned by Donna, and she apparently thought that I had gone to tell on Donna. So she came back in such a fury and she started bitching at me. I said that I hadn't known she was leaving early because I wasn't listening to her and she was like, of course not because you never listen, you're the worst worker ever.

So Justin is the best worker ever. She actually said that he did the most work out of anybody. And that I'm now the worst worker ever. Obviously she's biased by her emotions.

So she told me that she had been wanting to say so many things to me all day. And that umm... well I can't remember what she said. Something about me being a queen or something of that nature and about me thinking that I'm the best thing since peanut butter. I wanted to laugh because I had just had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich the night before. I love peanut butter. I expected her to say, since sliced bread. Cause that's the expression.

In any case, when she had first come in she said that she was a minor and that's why she needed to go home early since she clocked in early. It was a complete excuse. Even Timmy would say so, if he hadn't already left. Because I had jokingly used that excuse last Friday and he was like, no, it doesn't work that way.

So all I said to Brittany is that she better stop bitching and go, cause she's a minor. I repeated her exact words. But she said she was already clocked out. And then after she said that she had been wanting to say things to me all day I said that I hoped this felt good then. And she said it felt very good and then sort of stopped or something.

I was making drinks so I wasn't really paying attention. I mean, her purpose is to make me feel like shit. To make everybody feel like shit. Because she wants to be better than anyone. And she does it because she doesn't feel better than anyone. Some people brag to make it seem like they're higher than everyone. But she doesn't feel that she's good enough to be higher than everyone, so she lowers the bar and tries to make it seem like everyone is far, far, lower than even she believes herself to be.

And I've been there, I've experienced that same thing, wanting to make people feel lower than me. And I've seen her do it to everybody, she likes to be condescending and controlling. I'm not at all intimidated by her because as I said, it's so far from reality. She's almost like David in my explanations but still so very different. I can't describe it.

In any case, I didn't engage but it all did bother me. I may as well admit that. She always complains to me to Joe because she likes to turn people against people and she knows Joe from high school so he knew that she was bitching about me so when I went over there he asked if I was alright. And I said that I was, because I did feel alright. I was happy to have work to do and I don't care if Brittany hates me. She's crazy.

And he asked specifically, are you alright, like he didn't believe me. And I said that I was in a peppy voice, not faking it. But he was kind of on to something. I mean, I think that Joe feels that he himself would be bothered by someone like Brittany. He's very sensitive to bullies. But to admit that she bothered me is to give her power because her point was to bother me.

And it didn't make me feel like crap. She didn't affect me the way Joe thought she would. Joe thought that she Could make me feel bad because other people make him feel like crap. But I don't care in that sense. But it did make me nervous to conflict with her because it always makes me nervous to conflict with people. So my stomach was in knots the whole evening. I suppose it makes me nervous to fight, to defend myself. It always has.

But I know I did the right thing. I have always been desperate to prove myself in the past but I didn't need to. And that's true power. Fighting is not power. Power speaks for itself. And I didn't need to engage with her, because my power spoke for itself.

But combined with my annoyance at Jasmine and my determination to prove both Jasmine and Brittany wrong, as well as Donna because she thinks that I'm trying to distract Joe and she thinks that I'm trying to close early, and she is the only manager who has ever ordered me around like a slave because she thought she needed to otherwise I wouldn't listen.

Yeah, that one day that I complained about in my other superlong entry about the worst day of my life at work. So oddly enough, everybody was there that I needed to prove something to, and I was given the opportunity to do so by closing by myself. So I took the bull by the horns. And I wanted to do EVERYTHING. Like I said, you do 19 out of 20 things and there's still something to bitch at. Most of the time, they always leave at least one thing. And I wanted to do EVERYTHING.

But we only had two people, and we usually have at least three sometimes more. Usually we have this old guy do the dishes and the condiment stand. Sometimes we have Pam who helps us pull or restock. But this time it was just me and Beth, all alone. Nobody else.

And I did EVERYTHING. And I will tell you, my shift ended at 10. I stayed until 11:35. Beth left at 10:30, I think. She needed to get home. She has kids and she had to be up at 5AM. I didn't expect her to stay, especially because she was aware that I was trying to prove myself so I was being obsessive compulsive and fanatical.

And I was exhausted, emotionally from my determination. And I realize now that it wasn't as important as I allowed it to be. The determination was there before Brittany even started bringing it up, which is one of the reasons why I egged her on. Because from the first, I was determined to do it all my own. And she wanted me to need her, but I didn't. I got a little lost in my determination. Maybe in my pride.

But I have also realized that with more hands, more things can get done. But if it took me and Beth 2 and a half hours to clean, then obviously a lot needs to be done. They can bitch about my opening and all I have to say is, you can't expect me to stay two hours past my shift to clean, but that's how much time it takes.

But I did leave things pretty good. Everything was restocked and organized. And there was plenty of prep, though I didn't make signature hot chocolate because I don't know how to. Cause it's new. And I meant to write a note acknowledging that so she doesn't bitch, but I forgot.

On my way out, I dragged the mop and bucket but it's a pain and I accidentally knocked it over in quiznos and had water everywhere and had to spend ten minutes cleaning it up....

The only problem is... I'm still going to get in trouble because we're supposed to stay under 40 hours because we're in an economic crisis. And I'm probably going to have either 41 hours or 41 and a half hours by Thursday. The other day, Justin comes in at 4 and decides that he wants to leave again by like 5 so he was trying to find someone to cover his shift and that was the day that Joe was staying extra so I decided to stay with him. But Pam said I could only do it if I kept under 40 hours. Usually I only get 37 hours. But three hours extra would make me go over. So I took a second break and I planned to come in the next day later than I was supposed to so instead of an eight hour shift I only worked a six hour shift. But now that I've stayed extra I'm over.

Yes. Justin wanted to ditch work and I covered him and two days later Brittany tells me that Justin is the best worker and that I'm the worst worker. Hmm.

But I guess I won't say anything to the managers. I was going to tell them, but I'll let them find out on there own and blame Justin for not doing his calculations. They'll see I stayed late but I'll tell them the truth. I didn't look at the clock once until I'd left. It was just me and Beth and it was my first time closing alone so I wanted to make sure that I did it right.

It's not like I'll get reprimanded. I would if I came in earlier than they'd assigned me. But Donna knew I was still there at 11, she came in and took some of my garbage out and I said that I was almost done. And Pam knew I was staying extra that day, she okayed it. So I think I'll be good.

But Joe has IMed me and this entry is LAGGGGGGING because there is SO MUCH to it. So I better close up shop. I just don't write every day anymore so I had to unload.

Why can't I dedicate myself to my book? Is there something I should be waiting for? Things I should learn before I can do this? I revolutionize my perspective all the time. And I believe it's important. Just a few weeks ago when I had that crying episode at work, and I released my inability to let people love me.. That was important. Not just because I can talk about it, and show people what I learned from it. But because I see myself differently now, and thus, my perspective and my slant reflects that.

I have like 40 hours worth of reading to do. Of my own writing. My own journal entries. Sifting through it, pulling stuff out. That will take me centuries if I only do like one hour a month. It's already been two years since I decided to do this. And I've done a lot of tangent work since then, but nothing that I feel has really helped get things going. I organize more than I write. Not that I'm lacking anyway. Because the problem is...bah.

I've just realized that the problem is, I write and organize the journal entries. But I don't write and organize the book. I see them as one, but the journal entries need to be read and rewritten. They're not directed towards the same audience as that of my book. Which I miss, in a sense. I feel like I want to write a memoir. Maybe I'm pushing myself too hard to be miss perfect philosopher.

I think I have to find an in between. Something warm and honest the way a journal entry is, but also direct and efficient the way a philosophy is.

And this is something that can reflect my feelings of self-worth. It's funny because I feel, now, all the things I used to say. I always knew what to believe, but I didn't believe it so I was always saying it to convince myself that it was true. And that's a problem, of course. Because I have to write about life, and reflect my self-worth within it. I can't write about my self-worth, which is what I would have ended up doing.

I think that I had a fighting attitude. Because I had something to prove about myself. This book needs to be about me, but not about my ego. It needs to reflect a more pure sense of self, one less diluted with my fear and pain.

It's so nice to have this new-found self-worth. It's nice to feel it, I mean. I always felt this urgency. Like everything I believed, I expected that I had to prove it. So I was always ansy, always tense, always at-the-ready to prove something. Just waiting for the chance.

Now I don't have those afterthoughts. I can just Be. Without a followup.

And I asked for Joe, and got him. Rather, I asked for qualifications and Joe showed up. Even the things I don't like about him I know I asked for anyway. Except the fact that he's not rich. I wish for a rich guy all the time. But I'm not going to find one working at the travel plaza or going to the community college, you know?

I miss Joe, though. It's weird. I like who I am when I'm writing and expressing myself. Maybe not enough.

Maybe I'm getting sucked into the simple, comfortable, superficial lifestyle. It's mundane. It's not fulfilling. But it's comfortable. Joe is comfortable. Not fulfilling but comfortable.

Damn. I'm falling asleep. I have to fight this. I have to fight this suppression of my IAm expression. Not that Joe is bad for me. Only that I can't become dependent on the lifestyle he gives me, because it can't be all that there is for me. Like today. He's got school and work and I have the day off, though I'm dedicating it to Isis because it's her birthday !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and she's sleeping over. But I miss Joe and I shouldn't. I shouldn't miss the comfortable simplicity. Complexity is important and it's not controversial for me anyway, so I don't know what I'm afraid of.

I need to at least read. ...

So, I finally said yes to Joe. I honestly had to. Aside from the fact that he lacks the sharpness I admire, he's really too good to pass up. And when you really think about it, I'm probably not ready to have a sharp boyfriend. It's the same with the spiritually aware boyfriend. If I had one, I'd be on my toes all the time. If I don't have one, I can pretend like I'm not spiritually aware while I'm with him. I can pretend like I'm not thinking a thousand intellectual and wise things when I'm with him.

He is predictable. But I think the reason I said yes today is because we went to his family reunion and seeing him in a different context, with his family he opened up a little, I got to experience more of him than the same old thing.

I mean. In a sense, he's exactly what I asked for. The evening that he first slept over, as I was thinking about him before I asked if he wanted to come over, I was horny and I was thinking of things I liked and I wondered about making out on the floor. And when we first started kissing I was straddling him but somehow we ended up on the floor, from his doing. It was such a coincidence because I was thinking that there's really no good reason to make out on the floor. You've got so many other places to do it, how do you just ask someone to lay down and make out on the floor?

Of course, you can ask your lover that. Cause it's not a big deal. But he did it without my asking. And then I was thinking on the way over there how cute it is when a guy puts his hand on a girls leg while she's driving. Yeah... he does that. Without my asking.

When I get really horny I also love the idea of being kissed on the collar bone. Which I've never really experienced because guys are stupid and don't ever think to kiss me there. But my skin is really sensitive all over when I'm horny so it turns me on just to run my fingers over my collar bone.

The first night Joe slept over I asked him what his turn ons were and the first thing he said was when someone kissed his collar bone. And naturally he did it to me too. Plus he kisses and bites my neck, and likes it when I do it to him. Plus he opens his mouth really wide when we kiss. Plus he responds to my tongue. Plus he likes my boobs. Plus he likes grinding. Plus he likes kissing from my neck down to my waist.

Honestly, when I thought of making out with him, I thought he would do none of that stuff. I seriously thought that he wouldn't be the type to do any of that stuff. It really shows how much I know. James and Mike were sexy and exciting and I thought they would be sexy and exciting lovers too but they're sooo dull to even just kiss.

Ugh, I miss John a little bit. He's wacko but he was sharp as well as a sexy lover. But he's also crazy and emotionally fucked up, and less attractive, which effects the sex life. Not only because it effects how I feel about him, but because it effects how he feels about himself.

There are things I don't like about Joe. Like, he doesn't have his license yet. He's still in high school. He's not the sharpest tool in the shed. He's predictable. His family seems to be a lower class - which I consider a choice that they make.

But there are too many things that I have asked for so many times, too many things that I expected of James and he didn't fulfill that Joe automatically fulfills. Like heyyyyyyyyyy Joe likes me. He just plain likes me. He completely excepts me and supports me for who I am. And he has no problem expressing that he completely excepts me and supports me for who I am. James didn't even like me. He doesn't even like me enough to be my friend all year round.

Plus, even though James and John both expressed admiration for Isis, they didn't really want to meet her or play with her. When James was around her he couldn't express any emotion towards her, he just sat there and watched her. The first day I hung out with Joe, I brought Isis with me and he was soo great with her. He talked to her, he helped her, he played with her. When she bumped her head and started crying he ran to put his arms around her. Which, don't tell him, actually made her scream all the more because she doesn't like when strangers touch her. But it was the thought that counts.

Iliya was good with Isis too. But he's gone, so let's not talk about how I'd like him to be my boyfriend.

I mean I think of Timmy, and how Timmy flirts with me and it makes me smile and he's sharper than Joe and thus more exciting and interesting. But Timmy would make a horrible boyfriend. He's absolutely self-centered and shallow. Joe is so nice it annoys me. There's this rail that surrounds the parking lot at work. I hop over it, I rather like to because I do it sexy. Joe won't let me climb over it myself, he always has to help me. He really thinks I'm incapable of doing anything. I had to remind him tons today that I was fully capable of taking care of myself.

Today, he gave me a piece of gum and I put the wrapper on the back of the couch. I was kind of annoyed cause I didn't want to go put it in the garbage. And at first Joe didn't pick it up and put it in the garbage, he predictably always does things like that. And I was kind of annoyed that he didn't do it, even though I felt bad because I shouldn't expect him to do all the things I don't like doing just because he's nice. I shouldn't take advantage of that. But two seconds after I had that convo with myself, he grabbed the wrapper and went to the kitchen and put it in the garbage. I had to smile at that.

He's very considerate, helpful, overprotective, sweet.

He brought me a rose the day before yesterday. He got it at school, I don't know why they were selling them. And then he came to work to give it to me.

I love roses. They just smell good. I've never really taken to the romantic notion of giving a girl flowers. But I simply love to get roses. They're beautiful. And the fact that it's such a cliche means that guys have a good excuse not to do it. So they don't. And it's nice that Joe doesn't feel embarrassed or stupid or unmasculine for getting me the rose.

He lets me sit on his lap. He snuggled with me in bed.

HE DREAMS. I can't stand it when guys tell me that they didn't have a dream or they don't remember their dreams. It makes me seriously think that something is wrong with them. I always ask guys what they dreamed about. Every time I ask Joe, he tells me a dream. I woke up a bunch of times this morning and told him my weird dreams and he told me what he dreamt about.

So, get this, my favorite card game is Spite and Malice. I taught it to James the second time we hung out this summer and it gave us an excuse to hang out or we would play online with each other. Yesterday I asked Joe if he knew any card games and he said pretty much nothing but Slap Jack, Go Fish and War, though he said he couldn't remember War but I refreshed his memory.

But then today, we were over at his house and there was this Uno game. It was made by the company but it was called Skip-Bo or something stupid like that. I don't know how they came up with such an extremely dumb game. So I asked him what it was and he starts explaining it and I'm like THAT'S SPITE AND MALICE. Yeah, they totally ripped off the game. They didn't even change any of the rules, except that they have a special SKIP-BO card instead of King being the wild card. And they have the numbers 1-12 instead of Ace-Queen.

His mom loves the game. She was really mad that I won the two times we played. Well, not mad at me cause she likes me. But mad cause she's obsessed with the game. Which is funny, cause I am too, and I go around making everyone play it with me just like she does. So I gave her the website where you can play it online, so that she can play it with the computer any time she wants. She didn't know that it was originally Spite and Malice. I can't believe they ripped off that game and called it something so stupid.

But it was so funny to sit there and play with them. Cause they knew it so well and it was like we were on the same wave length. James was a beginner so I would teach him things that he was lacking. He pretty much lost 95% of the time. So to hear them say the kind of things that I had been telling James, it was just funny.

Joe, of course, sat by me and tried to help me play the game cause he assumed I needed it. Naturally, I didn't.

And yeah, his family smokes. I don't like it. I was disappointed to come home today and realize I smelled like smoke. I intensely Febreezed my jacket. And yeah, their house reflects a particular attitude. Like they don't care about their house. They don't care what it looks like. They don't take any pride or pleasure in making it a clean and beautiful home. And I don't like that. But after I got to know them, I was surprised that I didn't really see that in them.

Especially with his dad. I really liked his dad. He had a very sincere, kind eyes. A sincere and mature expression. He was not the type of guy I would picture in that house. He looked out of place in that house. His mom I could picture in that house though. But they have the exact same van as my parents, so at least they have a nice clean car. And I expected his family to be the same way, and it seemed like most of the women were, but the men weren't. I don't know why. Probably because Joe's dad's brother was a lot like his dad.

He came over and he had been a trucker and had a lot of back problems because of it. So he started giving Joe advice about work, about going into a field that's in demand, instead of a field that had way too many people. And then he said to be honest and to fess up to your mistakes. And it sounds cheesy and oversimplified. Like, duh, be honest. But to have a stand with those morals is important. Because I lot of people don't. A lot of people feel that they SHOULD have those morals. But they don't actually naturally have those morals, they're just fitting into society.

And this was the uncle who they warned me about. They said that he made a lot of jokes and that I should tell them if it made them uncomfortable. But when he was around me he was very serious and sincere. Though he did put chocolate cake on Joe's brother's girlfriend's nose.

One of the aunts I didn't really like. She had a very strong personality and, it's hard to explain what it is I didn't like about it, but it's a type of person I know and have always disliked. But when we left and Joe went to say goodbye, she cut the attitude and the jokes and looked at him very steadily and said for him to say hi to Joe's mom, who didn't come. And that she knew that Joe's mom wasn't feeling well.

And, again, it struck me. The... sincerity. When I think of the stereotypical dirtbag family, they're just gross. They don't care about anything. They're abusive and they drink and smoke and let everything go to waste - their lives, their relationships, their decorum. That's why they're called dirt. Because they're not even good enough to be soil. They're just the waste of life.

And I was afraid his family would be like that. But I honestly felt like they were good people. I came away respecting a few of them.

Even Joe's brother. He's sixteen and he's actually cuter than Joe. :p And it's hard to describe what stereo type he was. It's not like I can classify him as a complete asshole. He just made jokes and he was more outgoing than Joe. In other words, Joe is the nice guy who finishes last. And his brother isn't like that. Joe is Amelia and I'm more like his brother. Everybody thinks that I'm older than Amelia because I'm bolder and more confident. And it may seem like I'm "the bad kid" because I don't act with caution the way Joe and Amelia do.

But even though he crosses the line into the asshole region in a way that Joe is afraid to. Like, Brandon will say things that seem rude. Whereas, Joe just won't even say things he doesn't mean. He won't even joke like that. But Brandon is younger and hasn't had the opportunity to be the older brother, to be mature. Joe fits that overprotective brotherly role and his little brother fits the self-indulgent, bratty, daring child.

But even though he does that, and even though he doesn't express the over the top kindness the way Joe does, he still asked me if I was cold or asked me how I was doing.

He paid me $20 to let him and his girlfriend sit in the back seat of the van cause the seats are connected and they could cuddle. Which is why we wanted to sit back there and we called dibs on the way back, so he offered Joe $40 to let him sit back there. I had gone to find my clip, which Brandon had found for me but lied about having to make me walk all the way to the picnic tables to find it myself. And on the way back we passed eachother and he offered me $20, so I took it. Joe was really mad that I was so easily bought. But I didn't care. Me and him cuddled on the one seat all on our own.

The aunt who I didn't like at first who told Joe that she knew Joe's mom wasn't feeling well also told Joe that he shouldn't fight with his brother (cause everybody knew he was really mad at Brandon for paying me to give up the seat). She said that Joe should be the bigger man and it was also a cliche, in the sense that everybody knows that that's what you're supposed to do. But again, it struck me the sincerity of it. That she honestly believed that it was what you're supposed to do.

And maybe it's also the fact that these people were telling Joe this. Because Joe's the type of person who would actually follow through on this. He's not perfect, but he is very kind and respectful. So I didn't get the feeling that either of them were just making a show of this stuff. I felt like they all meant it.

I don't know if they're good people or not. But I was afraid that they were going to be ten times worse than they are. And even though I liked Mike's family. Even though they were nice. They didn't have this sincerity to them. They weren't abusive in the least bit. But they also weren't sincere. And again, my judgment probably reflects who I know the most in each family. Seeing Joe, and then seeing his family, I can understand how he turned out the way he did. Mike is also like his family. Nice on the outside but slightly mean-spirited on the inside. They weren't sincerely kind all the way to the core. It made me a little intimidated of them, because how things were going on the surface didn't reflect everything there was. And I couldn't feel secure around them because of it.

They weren't horrible people. But one could say that I couldn't really get to know them. Because every time I liked them I felt like it was too good to be true, and thus, wasn't true.

I didn't like being in Joe's house. But both of his parents told me that they really liked me and that I should come over more often. And his brother told me that I was the only one of Joe's girlfriends that he liked. His mom wants to play Skip-Bo with me again and his dad really likes my hair. :) And Joe thinks that us and his brother/girlfriend should double date. Though it's hard to find a day when it's not a school day and me and Joe aren't working.

I was actually really impressed with his brother. His dad is trying to quit smoking and when he lit a cigarette, Brandon completely yelled at him and made him put it out. I loved it. It was so supportive. In fact, as soon as Brandon left, Joe told his dad to hurry and smoke a cigarette before Brandon came back. I was really surprised at that. It seemed totally out of character. In fact, Brandon smokes and Joe doesn't. And Brandon is self-indulgent and Joe isn't. But I also think that Joe is cautious and doesn't have a strong stand for things he believes in. He's very nice and considerate, but his morals aren't very strong. I can see that in his behavior at work. He has no problem giving me free pizza.

Not that any of the other people have a problem with it and I don't have a problem with taking the free pizza or giving out free drinks either. So it doesn't really say much. But I feel like if I bend the rules and I'm talking about it to Joe, he strongly supports my bending of the rules. And I can tell that it's because he's trying to agree with me. Trying to go along with what I believe to support me, even if it's wrong. So he doesn't seem the type to shout out to his dad to stop smoking. Instead, he'll support his dad's wrong behavior so that he doesn't have to contradict him.

Though he did say that he hadn't even realized his dad was on the patch and trying to quit smoking in the first place. And Joe has already told me that he when he started smoking a few years back it was because of peer pressure, and that he also has had problems going along with people telling him what to do, instead of standing up for himself. So he's aware and better now than he was before about this problem.

So, Joe introduced me to his family as his gf. And I preferred it that way because we do make out and he sleeps over and to try to explain to his family that we're close in that sense, but not officially dating is complicated and unnecessary. So it's better to just call me his gf. But then his brother asked how long we were dating and I told him that we weren't technically dating but that Joe calls me his gf and I go along with it.

Though ironically, the girl that Brandon brought along and kissed and cuddled with like me and Joe do, wasn't his gf either. He asked her out today in the car and he said that he was surprised she said yes because she had told him that she had commitment problems.

When we were still at the family reunion, we sat down at the park - me and Joe. And I tried to put into words the situation I was in. I asked him to define "gf" and he said someone you spend time with and make out with and care about. Or something along those lines. Which are all things we do. Companionship. Support. Caring. Affection. Why am I saying no to being his gf when I'm doing all the things a gf already does? And accepting all the things a bf does from him?

But I told him that when I dated Mike, he was like my second skin. And our lives merged way too much. There wasn't a Mike-life and Melissa-life. There was a Mike&Melissa-life. We were M&M. He did it because I was the dominant one and he loved me. I didn't control him, and as soon as he wanted out, we broke up. But I out lives as one, I didn't recognize a distinct life for him. I went everywhere with him. Even in the shower. He hardly spent a day with his mom - who lived in a different town - without me, during those five months. He probably hung out with his friends without me like three times while we were dating and during one of them he called me up and tried to get me to come over cause he missed me.

I didn't force that on him. He wanted it too. But it was an unhealthy attitude that I didn't recognize I had. He did, near the end, even if he didn't consciously identify what it was. We were like a married couple. Because married couples do have a joint life. They have a house together, possessions together, a family together. And the point is that if you have that kind of relationship, one spouse can't do anything that won't affect the other's life. You have to make decisions together because they affect the both of them. And I tried to explain this to Mike, because this is simply how I saw us.

But I realize now that it was because I was having a relationship with my own wants and needs and fears. It was important to me because I was accepting myself through Mike. And that's why I needed to keep the equilibrium. I couldn't let him do whatever he wanted because it affected my homeostasis way too much. The problem was, I didn't know how to love myself without him, so I couldn't keep that homeostasis without working through him.

And I don't want that relationship again. But I've never had anything more. I never dated anyone longer than a couple weeks except Mike. And the guys I've been involved with since then have not been my boyfriend. So I basically did with them what I was doing with Joe - playing along with the motions of a relationship, without the commitment. Without the obligations and expectations.

Which is another thing I told Joe. That as soon as you call me a gf, it means I have to abide by what it means to be a gf. Before today, I had the freedom to do what I want. To flirt with who I wanted. To get involved with who I wanted. To say no to Joe, simply. Because I was not obligated to say yes. I didn't owe him anything.

Of course, because of my guilt, I felt that I did. And thus, didn't say no to him and didn't get involved with anyone else. A couple times people at work told me that Joe was off flirting with some girl just to see if I would get jealous, or just to try to make me mad, to tease me. And I said, I don't care. Cause I didn't want to date Joe and I'd be more than happy if he found someone else and took the pressure off me. But I told them that I wasn't allowed to flirt with a guy. And they were like, why? And I said, because it would hurt him and make him jealous.

And the people in Starbucks who call him My Man and call me His Woman, know that I told him no about dating so they're like, if you aren't his gf you can flirt with whoever you like. And I'm like, I know that I CAN, I just... can't. I can't do that to him. Not that it's been much of a problem, cause I haven't had the opportunity to like anyone else. really.

I like Matt but he doesn't feel that way about me and I can't aim for that. You know? I can't go in it wondering if I mean anything to him. I respect him immensely but he doesn't seem to respect me. Not that he dislikes me, but he doesn't outwardly like me. He doesn't want to plan my party, so he doesn't see any gain in hanging out with me as a friend. And he said that Katie and Martin were his two favorite people in the world. And it's because he sees them as very kind-hearted, innocent people. Which they both are. He always say MELINDA when I come into work. And he answered my texts, and facebook comments. But he doesn't really see anything in me that he particularly likes.

Which I think is silly. Because I think he would respect me a lot if he understood me. But perhaps he doesn't. Perhaps I am too mean. He's seen me fight with other people in Starbucks and he doesn't admire that. And he expresses so many things that I feel on the inside but don't emote, so I see it in him, but he probably doesn't recognize it in me. Most of the things I admire are things that I agree with or share in common with him.

I just realized my dad would love him. I've gotta have Joe meet my parents because they're moving to Washington DC on, like, Thursday. of this week. Two or three days from now. So if they don't meet him now, they probably never will. Not that I really see any gain to it. It just seems like I shouldn't pass up the opportunity. At least they'll know who I'm talking about when I talk about each one to the other.

I'm gonna miss my parents.

By the way, I petted six dogs today. Not kidding. I looooooooooooooove dogs. I petted six dogs today. But they were all small. So I'm not that happy about it. Weird how they were all small. Two of them at Joe's house. Two at the family reunion. And then two at his aunt's house. I don't like small dogs. I want some Saint Bernards and Weimeraners and Doberman Pinchers and Rottweilers. COME ON!

But it was still nice. All the dogs were interesting. Except the silent one at the reunion. He didn't have a lot of personality. I think he didn't have his vocal cords cause he didn't make a single sound the whole time. The other one barked when he wanted food. I walked over to him with an empty plate just to see if it was the smell of food or if he could see us eating food. And he barked because he thought I had food though it was completely empty.

Anyway, it's kind of funny that both of us girlfriends had the same situation. With the affection but no commitment. But I guess we both warmed up to the idea at the reunion. Though she thought it was really boring. Personally, I think she's really boring. :)

I don't know what I'm going to do with Joe. But I was going to do it anyway. You know? I already began the kissing and sleeping over and now I'd met his family. Too far gone to turn back now. He's too attached to me. It would be like breaking up with him anyway, I've already been leading him on way too much. Though I've never said "I love you too" when he says it to me. I can't lie. I don't feel the same way I've felt in the past.

And it sucks extremely. It's like jealousy. Jealousy is a counterproductive emotion. It stems from fear, and thus weakness. It's not something to be encouraged or admired. It doesn't make a healthy relationship. Right? So you would think that to not have jealousy makes a healthy relationship. But when you don't have jealousy, you have to wonder how much you really like the person you're with. It's like the desperation of not losing them, makes you aware that you want to keep them. So you know that they mean something to you.

How can you tell that they mean something to you if you're not desperate for them? Especially in comparison to people you were desperate for? I don't know what a healthy relationship feels like. Because a healthy relationship is absent of all of these unhealthy emotions like jealousy, fear, desperation, possessiveness, lust, need, domination etc etc etc. And all of these emotions, though unhealthy, have given us a standard for what Love feels like. We think that we're in love when we need someone, when we fear losing them, when we're jealous of the people who experience them. But these are not indicators of love. These are indicators of our inability to love ourselves and our desire to find someone else to complete us, to do the work for us, to give us a sense of worth. And that's why we're desperate to find "love".

So what does it mean to have a relationship where you don't have that desire? What does it feel like? I wonder if this is what it feels like with Joe. I can't tell if he's simply not stimulating these unhealthy emotions inside of me, or if those emotions aren't there anymore. I know they were there with James. But this work thing, dealing with my sense of worth and dealing with allowing people to love me, had changed things.

And I feel extremely at ease with Joe. We've honestly known each other for two weeks and I'm so at home with him. Maybe because he's so simple and accepts me so simply, I feel like we don't have spend a lot more time getting to know each other. It's like we don't connect intellectually. But it's so easy to have companionship with him anyway. And I try to think of why it's different than with other people. And I think I just felt guilty for being around other people. Guilty for asking people to like me. Guilty for being me when they didn't like it. Even with Amelia and Loren, not to mention all of my friends.

I couldn't ask them to let me be me. I felt like it was like asking them to loan me a thousand dollars. Just way too much to ask of them. But I do that automatically with Joe. Comfortably. Unabashedly, with no reserves.

When I think of a relationship, I think of this element of desire and adoration. You ADORE the one you love. You fawn over them and desire them and they make you happy to be alive. It's not like that with Joe, for me. It is a bit for him, though.

But there is still some pleasure in spending time with him, in being myself with him, in knowing I have his support and companionship. I love having him at work. He's a friendly face. I know that he's there to text me or talk to me whenever. He's always there to give me a hug. No one at work cares about me like that. And it makes me feel more at ease knowing he's there. Knowing that even if Timmy or Matt don't truly care for me, someone still does. So I can open up more to them, because I've got nothing to lose. I do have something to lose when they can remind me of my loneliness. It hurts to be rejected by them when it's like that. Now I don't have to be afraid that they'll do so. Because I have more than them.

Though I should be able to independently feel this way. But I have been seriously lacking companionship for years. I haven't had a true friend in a long time. I haven't felt like someone liked me in ages. And I needed to be able to feel that way. I can love myself, of course. And I can do that on my own. But I needed to experience the acceptance of others. I needed to know that I wasn't the only one who could possibly love me.

It's interesting though, because the relationships feed off of each other. Like, I get along better with Timmy because I have Joe. Even though Joe isn't around. And the day I made out with Joe, I had been flirting with Timmy all day. So I was warmed by the excitement of that, when I then took it out on Joe. And everybody thinks me and Joe are dating so people have an excuse to talk to me and ask me things. They've got some basis for conversation, in a way that you can't really have with someone you don't know, obviously. And prior to this it was mostly like - oh you hate Bryan, huh? Oh David hates you, huh?

Like everything we had to say about me involved some drama in Starbucks. But now when people talk about me it's a friendly teasing about my hickies from Joe or about the rose Joe gave me or etc. It's positive stuff. Instead of just plain bitching.

They are serious matchmakers at Starbucks though. Every time I mention a single person of the opposite sex someone is ready to hook me up with them. Every two seconds someone is accusing me of being in love with someone else. If I mention Justin they go, OOOOOOOH, you love Justin. They've done it with Iliya, Justin, Matt, Bryan, Joe, Rob and probably Timmy, as well. Possibly John, too.

With Bryan and Justin and John it was like no, No, NO. Absolutely not. But with Iliya, Matt and Rob they were kinda on to something. Rob works at Quiznos but he never worked with me, I always worked 2-10 and he always left right when I got there. But he seems really nice. He's the only one who doesn't seem to inexplicable resent me. People are so sensitive and defensive and needy there. It's intense. They're very defensive, personal and paranoid. And he just simply says hi to me every day with such ease and maturity. It's graceful and amazing. He just looks mature. I should hook up with him. :)

Ugh, I can't say things like that. I'm someone's gf now. Maaaaaan.
:(