Would you believe it? I forgot something. There was more I was going to say.

See, because of this power issue, I'm feeling ignored by people. And, of course, it frustrates me. It makes me feel powerless. I can't stand being ignored, but it's even worse when people ignore me and then they ignore my complaints about how they're ignoring me.

It started with James. Because I decided to talk to him a little again. So I added him on myspace. He accepted that. We didn't say anything for a couple of weeks. Then I think I sent him a comment. Nothing. Then I sent him another comment a couple weeks later. Nothing. Then I sent him a message with my quiz, saying that I didn't expect him to talk to me, but could he take my quiz. He didn't answer the message or take my quiz. It's like there's this wall and I can't get through it no matter how hard I try.

It would not be horrible if he said "fuck you" or if he said "I don't want to talk to you" or if he said "I don't want to take your damn test". I could handle that. But he's not acknowledging me at all, it's like I don't exist. And it's the worst thing.

Then when I sent John that message about being friends, him rejecting me for Lyla hurt me again and I try to pretend it doesn't. But I'm also working to make it truth - that it really doesn't bother me. I just have to first acknowledge the feelings, before I can work through them. I should have accepted it. It's hard to find the balance. Because I usually accept it in that I pretend I don't care. And that's wrong, because I'm just suppressing the truth.

But it's not wrong to accept it, in a mature way and say - I can handle that this is the choice you've made, you've chosen Lyla over me. And truthfully get through it. I don't have to let myself feel rejected, I can just accept that it's his decision. It doesn't have to reflect that I'm a horrible person, just that he likes Lyla and that's fine, him and her are loco, they deserve each other. I don't want to be part of it anyway.

This is probably what I should have done. But I was mad at him for rejecting me so I thought I would prove him stupid by getting Lyla to say it was okay. So I offered to ask her if him and I could be friends, even though I believe it's not her decision. She said no. And I kind of in a mean but professional way said that she was just lying to herself and she was being possessive again. It's not her right to say who he's friends with. And she didn't respond back to that one. She hasn't said anything to me since.

So John isn't talking to me, probably because she told him that he can't. Who knows, I don't know what they talked about to each other, but she probably guilted him into ignoring me - and lying to her about how he feels and etc. Not that he doesn't mind, cause he seems to like the lying. (hence, they deserve each other) In any case, she ignored me, he ignored me... James is ignoring me.

And then I sent Mike a message asking him why he no longer smokes weed. Cause I always admired him for not smoking, for just individually not wanting to smoke. I love people who just know it's not for them. Because a lot of people do it just to fit in, even if they don't need it because of dependency. So if you don't need it because you don't have a dependency, I'm so relieved that you're brave enough to go against the grain and simply say that it's not for you. Mike was like that while we were dating. (although his friends mostly were as well...)

But then he started dating Mareena and she is kind of messed up. She's like an alcoholic, every myspace answer is about being drunk and etc, I swear. And she smokes weed. So he started doing it. So he's no longer with her, hasn't been for a year or something. And his survey asked him what he thought of weed and he said "you can do it but I'm done." and I overflowed with joy. Because I've always cared about him, in that mother way. Like, I want him to have a good life. (although a part of me wanted him to have a crappy life out of spite, since he's my ex) but most of me wanted him to have things work out well, to grow and be healthy. And I liked respecting him and admiring him. So I'm upset when he smokes and relieved when he doesn't.

So I asked him why. Well he honestly just hasn't been on his myspace all day today. Hasn't even signed in or read the message. But just waiting for his response, wanting to hear it and kind of wanting to express that I'm happy about it and I admire him for making that decision... well, it made my day anticlimactic, you could say.

But of course then there's Dan. There's a wall blocking me from James and John and Lyla because I can't make them understand. And there's a literal block between Mike and me because he hasn't received the message. But Dan's supposed to be the exception. He's just supposed to be the exception. The one I can count on. The one to understand me and accept me.

But being rejected by John has made me want Dan's attention all the more specifically. And then when Dan doesn't respond enough, or at all, he begins ignoring me and that resonates with my wall theme and suddenly he's just another one ignoring me. Another one I can't get through to. I can't make him understand. Which makes me feel powerless.

I send him text messages and just like James, he ignores them. He's done this the entire year we've been close. With myspace messages and me telling him to call me. He never gave me enough attention. And it's always his decision. Like, we don't decide together, when we'll talk. We don't set a time appropriate for both of us. HE calls and INTERRUPTS whatever I'm doing because HE has an opportunity to talk.

It's not a crazy thing to do, except it's all one way. I never call him. I never know when he'll be free to talk, I don't want to interrupt his "busy life". I have only missed his call once, when I didn't return it moments later or picked up the first time. Only once when he called and my phone's battery had died and I didn't recharge it all day.

Every other time, whether I was in the library - I went outside to talk. Whether I was watching a movie - I put it on pause to talk. Whether I'm reading - I set down the book. Whether I'm talking to somebody online - I ignore them. Whether I'm eating - I let my food get cold. Whether I'm playing with Isis - I multitask.

And sometimes we don't even talk. So I'll just sit there in bed, not doing anything. I put down my book or pause my movie, to sit there and not even talk.

And I'm not complaining. It sounds like I am, but I'm happy to do it because I care about him and I enjoy talking to him and connecting with him. He's important to me, so I put everything else aside, even if I'm really enjoying my movie or my book. I've told him that I want to go so I can finish my movie or go to sleep like twice. I always wait until he says he's gonna go. That's why when I'm mad, I say that I'm going to go just because it's so uncharacteristic of me and I think that it will show him that I'm really mad.

I doubt he notices.

In any case, it's not two-way. He makes all the moves. He decides when and for how long. And I never get to express myself. I really don't. Like the things I want to tell him about the car accident that happened to me a month ago, or when I set my porch on fire. Why do you think I was so enamored with John? Because John cared. I don't know why, but he payed attention to me. He wanted to know about my life, he calls Isis cute or he says that the things Isis does is cute. And that felt so nice, to have (just maybe) somebody in my life who could care.

Amelia doesn't care. I always share everything with her but I always tell her against her will. Dan doesn't care. Sometimes I forget to tell him because he doesn't call me until a week after it's happened or if I send a text he doesn't respond. And it's not like I can call him, because he doesn't play by my rules.

I fill out surveys because nobody asks this stuff. But John asked. I was so flattered. He read my surveys and he's the only one who actually did the surveys himself, nobody ever copies my surveys. Sometimes they do the same surveys but if I fix spelling errors, I can see that they've done the original copy, so they got it from somebody else.

There's just this sense of apathy with Dan. Because I told him so many freakin times over the year that I hated when he didn't write back to my messages and he didn't call me and etc. And he's mentioned that he's better, like he acknowledges that it's important to me that he changes his behavior towards me, or lack of behavior. But I still feel like if I express that I'm bothered to him, he won't care.

Or it will be a bother for him. Like I'm just the nagging girlfriend and I'm overreacting. Sometimes I don't even say how I feel because it will just sound ridiculous.

He's not in my life at all. He doesn't live here. I don't see him. I'm not dating him. I don't kiss him. I can't call him. We don't talk on myspace or any of the messengers. All we really have are his sporadic phone calls and texts.

I don't care when he sends me a reply to my text. I don't care. I just care that he sends one at all. Like if he doesn't see it within the hour after the text was sent, he just decides it's no longer relevant to answer and he doesn't say anything. He asked me what Subway sandwich he should get at noon. I was in class, and my phone was running out of battery, plus it was on silent. And then I forgot about it and didn't recharge it until hours later.

But when I finally turned on the phone, it was obviously not relevant to answer his question about subway, he was long gone from there... however, I did answer his text with "I'm sorry I missed your call and your text, my phone has been off all day." That was acknowledging him. So that he didn't feel that I was ignoring him. He just lets my texts go out into the abyss, allowing me to sit in mystery - not knowing how he feels, if he read the text, what he thinks about the text, why he hasn't answered, why he never will.

It happened a couple months ago and I asked him why he didn't respond and he said that he was busy. And I was like yeah, but if you're responding to this now, you've obviously found a point in time where you're not busy. So why didn't you respond to the message, once you had a free moment. I don't care if it's days later. You can't say you're busy now when you're messaging me about something different. He acts like I'm the author and he's just reading my book. With no response necessary. It's not a rhetorical question. I say things to you because I'm communicating with you - for the purpose of you communicating back with me. That's a conversation.

Right now, with my journal, he may read this, and in that sense, he doesn't need to respond. I know he won't. He probably won't even bring all this up in our next few conversations - even if he reads it. That's to be expected. But if I'm directly talking to you, you can't just absorb it, I expect responses. Nothing particular. You can say whatever you want. I just want acknowledgment.

But on a different note, the reason why it's come up lately, the reason why I've gotten annoyed and then further annoyed by his insensitivity. Is because I worry sometimes when I don't get texts from him. When I send like four out over a period of a couple days and nothing comes back. If I ask questions and he doesn't answer, if I say I love you and he doesn't respond. Remember? I have no other connection to him. I can't call, myspace isn't helpful. Can't talk to him on a messenger. How do I know he's alive?

You think it's ridiculous but if he died, I would never know. Nobody would inform me. I would just never know. And when he doesn't answer I think about that, about how I don't know if he's in jail or in the hospital or he simply lost his phone. I just don't know unless he tells me. Can you blame me for wanting to know? Not getting anything from him in two weeks is not unusual. I don't immediately think that he's dead. But when I send numerous texts that are unanswered, that's when I get worried. Because I just have no idea why he's not answering them. I don't know if he's busy or dead. I don't know if he's ignoring me on purpose or waiting until an appropriate time to answer me.

You know what I do just to reassure myself? I go on myspace and look at the last time he logged in. It's usually more recent than my last text cause I only get paranoid after a day has gone by and he will have always signed in at the new day. And then I know that he's not ignoring my text because he's dead. He could be dead, but he would have died after my text. I really, have honestly done that twice or three times. Cause there isn't any other way I know - unless I call. And You know I don't call.

And this is all I've got. What is he to me? Nothing. We are so distant from each other. He's not there for me and he doesn't need me to be there for him. I don't know why he even calls me, now that I think about it. What the hell does it do for either of us?

I'm just thinking about what an illusion we both are to each other. He does not realistically or tangibly satisfy me in any way. He gives me no companionship. Obviously not a lot of attention. He doesn't lend an ear as a friend. He isn't my boyfriend. Hearing him tell me he wants to fuck me every once in a while isn't really that flattering. We can't hang out. We can't see each other. We can't know each other. We can't understand what each other is going through in lives we'll never be able to observe.

We're nothing to each other. But some lousy texts and random, useless phone calls.

I don't usually come up with pessimistic conclusions. But I can't bear to have that wall between me and somebody else. I don't like feeling like I can't get through to somebody, like they can't understand me and acknowledge me. And his favorite fucking thing is to not acknowledge me.

So fine. He can be self-centered. Cause that's all he's got, his own life. Bah.

And I'm going to go crazy for the next few days because he's not going to read this or acknowledge me - even though I sent him a text saying that I needed to bitch at him and CALLING HIM, for the second time in our entire four and a half years of knowing each other... (not entirely his fault) and leaving him a voicemail saying that I need to talk to him.

Let's just see if he cares. Cause if he doesn't? I may as well be alone. I feel alone dealing with James and my family and John and Lyla and everybody. I just feel alone. Except I've had Dan all this time. At least I thought I did. Now I just feel alone anyway. He's not there to support me or keep me company or give me love. He's just not there.

We'll probably never meet, and if we did it would be like an arranged marriage. Like I know we're supposed to meet, but who the hell are you? We're not involved in each other's lives at all. Except for like an hour a week and a couple random texts. And nothing relevant is ever passed between us.