When Dan and I stopped talking last summer my mom told me that I was making karma by keeping the hurt in, by not expressing it. It's unhealthy to be depressed and to let it ruin your life, but it's not unhealthy to feel. And it's natural to feel hurt by other people. And I keep pretending it can't happen. I keep telling myself it doesn't happen. And I'm only stuffing the feelings inside myself, I'm probably still feeling it on some level, just not the conscious level, which is what I want, but it's still not healthy. It's a catharsis to feel, to process the pain and then release it.

It hurt when John went back to Lyla, for the millionth time. But I stuffed it away because of my pride. When he leaves me I get angry, so then instead of acknowledging my pain, I ignore it, so that I can save face. Instead of saying, Yes I care. It's like I'm saying, So what? Why should I give a damn? When I really do.

I think John is the reason I'm so hungry for attention. Because I thought about Dan and I answered that I didn't want attention from him. In fact, I don't want attention in general, I just want attention from particular people. But if not Dan, who I am usually close to, then who? Obviously it's John. Because he abandoned me, because we were close and he was in my life and then suddenly he's gone and now I'm alone again and I miss his presence.

I need to stop acting like I don't have feelings. People hurt me and I never admit it to them. I never tell them, I just process it on my own. I can't really explain what it is that makes it important about expressing to people how I feel, because there's a fine line. You don't do it for pity, or to make them feel guilty.

Maybe you do it because you're human. Because you do feel, "you" being me. I feel. And I can't act like everybody can treat me however they want because I'm immune. I have to show people that I'm human and I feel and I'm not immune. I'm not fragile, I'm just human.

So I realized I needed to express to John that it hurt when he left me the other day. But it didn't work out because last night he was talking to me and he told me to "stop talking for a sec" and he never got back to me, he just disappeared, so he thinks that's what it's about. Which, that was upsetting because I wanted attention, but when he asked me what was wrong I knew that it was important to acknowledge the deeper issue instead of blaming him for what was on the surface.

[13:59] BizZyTheKiD1030: whats the matter
[13:59] IAMSpartacus117: is there something the matter?
[13:59] BizZyTheKiD1030: you seem upset.
[14:00] IAMSpartacus117: I'm just feeling abandoned.
[14:00] BizZyTheKiD1030: why
[14:00] IAMSpartacus117: cause I was abandoned.
[14:00] BizZyTheKiD1030: i didnt abandon you lol
[14:00] BizZyTheKiD1030: something came up
[14:00] BizZyTheKiD1030: so i had to leave
[14:00] IAMSpartacus117: not last night.
[14:01] BizZyTheKiD1030: why do you feel abandoned?
[14:01] IAMSpartacus117: because I was abandoned!
[14:01] BizZyTheKiD1030: by who
[14:01] IAMSpartacus117: you.
[14:01] BizZyTheKiD1030: how
[14:01] IAMSpartacus117: think about it.
[14:02] BizZyTheKiD1030: your telling me that i left last night, thats what you've been saying over and over, if its something else just tell me
[14:02] IAMSpartacus117: it's something else!
[14:02] IAMSpartacus117: think about it!
[14:02] BizZyTheKiD1030: are you angry
[14:02] IAMSpartacus117: hurt.
[14:02] BizZyTheKiD1030: just tell me, i just woke up
[14:03] IAMSpartacus117: one day you miss me and you want to kiss me (rhyming not intended) and the next.. nothing. I'm abandoned.
[14:03] BizZyTheKiD1030: hahaha, so because i dont give you what you want, im abandoning you
[14:04] BizZyTheKiD1030: you want attention, and because you ask for it doesnt mean im going to give it to you
[14:04] IAMSpartacus117: you don't get it.
[14:05] BizZyTheKiD1030: help me understand
[14:05] IAMSpartacus117: no.
[14:06] BizZyTheKiD1030: whatever then melissa, im sorry you feel hurt but im not going to play games right now, so if you want to talk to me then talk, if not then do what you want to do
[14:06] IAMSpartacus117: How is it a game? I'm sitting here crying. I'm sad and hurt.
[14:06] IAMSpartacus117: I'm not playing a game.
[14:07] BizZyTheKiD1030: why are you hurt!?
[14:07] BizZyTheKiD1030: i didnt know you were crying.
[14:07] IAMSpartacus117: I keep telling you why I'm hurt. I'm hurt because you left me for Lyla... again.
[14:07] BizZyTheKiD1030: i didnt leave you for lyla.
[14:08] IAMSpartacus117: then why did you leave me?
[14:08] BizZyTheKiD1030: i didnt leave you
[14:08] IAMSpartacus117: bah
[14:09] BizZyTheKiD1030: i left last ngiht, but something came up with mike, and we left
[14:09] IAMSpartacus117: I am not talking about last night for God's sake.
[14:10] BizZyTheKiD1030: im saying, thats when i "left you"
[14:10] IAMSpartacus117: literally, but not metaphorically.
[14:11] BizZyTheKiD1030: but i didnt leave you for lyla, or at all
[14:12] IAMSpartacus117: I gotta go, this is going nowhere.
[14:13] BizZyTheKiD1030: ..
[14:13] BizZyTheKiD1030: bye


In retrospect, the conversation did not go well. I didn't want to say it all, I wanted him to just understand what I was referencing, and he didn't because he was fixated on last night.

He hasn't told me he's dating her again, we haven't talked about it all. But when him and her were hanging out his away message said "Lyla, you're my girlfriend" So I can only presume.

I still don't want to talk to him about it. But during the conversation I was crying, and feeling, and releasing my hurt so the conversation helped anyway, even if he still doesn't get it.