I'm going crazy. I'm having power issues, like always. I've always been a fighter. I've always fought for power. Because when I feel like I don't have enough I panic and I go wild trying to gain power. The type of people who go to extremes to exert power and to prove that they have power, are the ones that fear that they don't have power. Like the bullies who go to extremes to prove that they're tough because they feel that if they didn't prove it, nobody would know - mostly because they don't believe that they're tough enough, themselves.

I don't believe I have enough power, that's why I'm always in a panic. And I realized that I feel most powerless when I can't communicate, when people are not listening to me, and when people don't believe me. Do you know how insane I would get if I was on trial for a murder I did not commit? That probably happened in another lifetime. Because in small doses, that's what it's like for me. I say things and people don't believe me and I go wild.

Amelia was having issues to Tiana and my mom were trying to help her, so I joined the conversation and then like an hour later my mom walked out briefly and I was explaining this power thing to Amelia. I kept repeating it because I was reminding myself of what I'd learned previously but hadn't applied. The idea that when I struggle the most, it's because I fear I don't have power. And I realized, so distinctly, that I am an extreme fighter. I am always fighting for power. Always fighting.

I have to stop fighting, I just have to believe that I have power and express it. I don't have to try to prove it to people, I don't have to be aggressive. I just have to be. I guess I realized this because Tiana and my mom used the term "assertive" as the middle way. Assertive people have power, but they do not exert it aggressively because you don't have to prove the truth, it speaks for itself. You only have to try to prove what cannot speak for itself because it isn't fully true. We live in a western world so that would be highly disputed, since they believe that everything needs to be proven.

However, I don't think science is fully true, nor can it honestly be proven true when you really think about it. But let's not get sidetracked.

The point is, I realized that I do have power and I need to begin to believe it. I have to stop trying to fight for it. I can assert it, but I don't need to overdue it because it's a basic truth, it does not need to be proved. And the fact of the matter is, that the mind can choose to never be convinced, no matter how much evidence you have. Evidence is not interpreted objectively, it's interpreted selectively and if people don't want to admit the truth, they can't be forced to.

So there are some people I will never be able to convince, and that's why I can get really ridiculous trying to prove it. Because it's not an easy task. I usually scare people off with my aggressiveness anyway. They never agree with me after I'm done bullying them. It's not one of those "you're so intimidating that I'll just agree with you cause I'm scared."

Ironically, but not really ironic when you think about the ways of the universe... Amelia started to get annoyed that I was repeating myself about the differences between assertive, aggressive and passive. And I told her rationally that I was really only talking to myself because the distinction had just become especially clear to me and as an aggressive person, this is valuable information. She was still annoyed.

So my mom comes back in and they're talking but Amelia starts snapping at me so I'm like whoa whoa whoa, hold the phone, what the hell has gotten into you, why are you suddenly bickering with me? I've done nothing wrong. Well all the sudden Amelia and my mom are in agreement that I'm always trying to force Amelia to do what I want her to do. And I'm like, name one way I've done that lately and my mom says "you're always telling her how to take care of Isis" and I say, actually, I haven't done that to her lately I've been telling YOU (my mom) how to take care of Isis, and my mom agrees.

But she is still convinced that Amelia has good reason to be annoyed at me because I must be trying to make her do something. All I did was repeat something twice, and Amelia goes, "yeah, it's like when you used to watch movies five times in a row and it annoyed me." And again I'm like whoa whoa whoa, where did that come from? You're blaming me at age 17 for watching Mary Poppins over and over when I was like seven? That's insane.

But no, they're still convinced that Amelia is justified in being annoyed at me because I must be trying to force her. And I even clarified, because I was trying to make everybody take a look at this new development in the conversation, all of the sudden Amelia was annoyed at me and I wanted to know where it was coming from. I was being forceful and direct about it. So I asked if that was what my mom was talking about, that I was forcing Amelia to consider the annoyance issue. And my mom said no, it was before that.

Tiana left for a moment, she had been there while my mom was gone but it's no use getting people involved, they hate that and people never side with me. Again, you'd think they'd be afraid of my wrath and so they'd take my side, but I think most people have realized that even though I can be very harsh, my bark is worse than my bite, so they aren't really afraid of me. Although Tiana actually hasn't experienced very much of my wrath.

In any case, it dawned on me, as I was trying to convince them that I had not tried to force Amelia into anything and that it was stupid to justify Amelia's issue with me on me, because we all know that "annoyance" is an interpretation of the reaction that someone has to an object. Meaning, the object does not have an annoying quality like color or size. Annoyance is the interpretation and the bad reaction to that object, so it's all in her.

So it dawned on me that this was my test. Not moments before this all started I realized that I need to believe I have power, regardless of if other people don't believe it. I have to stop fighting for it. So I abruptly left. They were blind, but the fact is, even if they couldn't see it, the truth still existed. You don't need to prove the truth to validate it. The truth is what it is, regardless of who knows it. So why do I need to make them know it? I know it. That should be enough. I should be satisfied with that. But naturally I want validation, and I have to stop it.

I realized after I'd left that it was the exact powerless situation that drives me nuts, and literally makes me scream and be abusive in my fight to prove that I have power. It's a bit hard to relate truth with power, but for me it's the epitome of the "right and wrong" thing that everybody has going on. When I'm right, and somebody refuses to see it, I feel powerless. I feel like I don't have power unless it's validated by somebody else.

That's a huge reason why I don't mess with people anymore. Because I got so sick of people not letting me be right. When I know I am. It's not as simple as "you're wrong and I'm right." A wise person knows that there are many different rights that can coexist, even if they contradict each other. But I've matured and grown a lot, and I know that the more I grow, the better my opinions become - the more developed they become, the smarter they become, the wiser they become.

And when I do things for a purpose, even if someone else has a problem with it, I have the right to do things as I wish. It doesn't mean that they're wrong to disagree with it, because we both don't have to agree on the same thing to be right. Right takes individual forms sometimes. As far as I'm concerned, it's only wrong if it's not infused with God.

And the more I grow, the more I allow God to be infused in the way I live my life and the things I believe. Therefore, I have faith that I'm doing the right thing. No matter what kind of blind people refuse to see this.

And this is also why I like to have just one person, one agreeable person who I can count on to believe me. Right now it's Dan. Dan doesn't always agree, apparently, but he always lets me convince him. Meaning, he let's me believe that he has been convinced. And so I don't go insane. But I also know that regardless of if he disagrees, he still respects me. And that's what makes me want to be validated, because I feel that if people think I'm wrong about something, that they'll think I'm wrong to be who I am, that I'm a horrible person. It's an extreme fear, but that's how it works.

I don't have that fear with Dan, so I don't have to fight him, I don't have to prove that I'm a good person because he already knows. I feel like with so many other people I have to prove that I'm a good person, because they automatically accuse me of just the opposite. Like everybody thinks I'm a murderer and I'm just not. Okay? I'm just not.

When Mike and I went back to school, after the summer, people started to convince Mike that I was horrible and controlling. During the summer he sometimes thought I was controlling but he still loved me. But then school started and people starting convincing him that he shouldn't date me anymore because I was controlling. That's what shattered my love for him. The lack of control, in the sense that I could no longer feel that I could keep him in love with me.

I know it sounds terrible, to say that I needed to make him in love with me. But I was very dominating and I could convince him I was right, or at least I could always have the last say, just like with Dan, so he just shuts up and lets me think I'm right. But he, of course, was still there with me, no matter my faults. And then my faults grew to the size of a prize winning watermelon, and all of the sudden I was the most terrible person in the world. I was literally Satan, that's what they all called me.

And that hurts, because I'm not Satan. It seems cliche to say that I'm a good person. But I am a very kind and moralistic person. It's just that I have a tough exterior. I know that if I feel something selfish, I have to face it - instead of pretend that I'm an amazingly self-less person. So I often admit the worst of me, to confess, to get it out in the open so that I don't have to lie to myself just to save face.

So that's why I seem cruel, because I'm exposing all of my worst qualities. When we hide them, we become a lie.

I don't want to be a lie.

But I need to be satisfied that I know I'm not Satan and that's enough. That it doesn't mean that I'm any less Not-Satan just because they think me him. The truth is the truth, regardless of its validation.

I have to let go of situations where people will not accept the truth. Like with Amelia and my mom. It was right to leave the bedroom, that's absolutely the first time I have ever walked away from a fight - especially without having the last word in. I'm not kidding.

It was a complete test. Because I had just barely decided to stop being aggressive, and then over the very same topic (me telling Amelia the distinction between aggressive and assertive) suddenly I feel powerless, because they will not believe my innocence, they will not see that I had really not been trying to make Amelia do anything. And it was frustrating, but I have to stop letting it frustrate me. I have to accept that it's a part of humanity.

And that it seriously does not take away from the truth. The truth is what it is. It will still be what it is, even if they're blind to it.

There are so many people who project on to me. Like Stephanie Stog wrote Amelia a long letter complaining about my profile. Bitching about every little damn thing she disagreed with. And I know that she was not right to complain about it. Should I even try to convince you that she was not right? Or should I just believe it and leave it at that. Let's leave it at that.

I know that I have the right to say what I said on my profile because it's true. It's not wrong, in any way shape or form. Not only is it not what she said it is, and thus not wrong. But the truth is, it's not wrong to feel that way about myself.

I've written a dozen intros to my book. Because there are things I want people to know, before they grossly misinterpret it and start blaming me of all the horrible things that spark my fight and make me insane. And one of the things I've expressed is that, my book is not about fact and it's not about right or wrong. It's about perception. And we don't have to fear our perceptions just because they may not be entirely accurate.

Because it's not wrong to feel a certain way at a certain point. It IS wrong to hold on to false beliefs for lifetime after lifetime. Okay? That's wrong. But to initially believe something that isn't accurate or isn't entirely accurate is okay. Because you need to start somewhere. You need to take baby steps to the truth, and you won't have the complete view at the beginning, so some things will need to be improved or let go, but you will hopefully have the partial truth and that is the constant, that is what will be carried with you so that it can expand and you can grow to have a larger view.

So I don't care about all the outrageous disagreements that someone could have with my perception. Because that's all it is. Perception for one moment in time (each moment that I write it, at least). Next year my perception will have expanded and I will no longer believe some of the things. But I'm not ashamed that I did once believe them. Because it was just a step towards the truth. We can't leap into it, that's not what life is about, life is a process. My book is about the perception I had during that process. A perception that is imperfect and inaccurate at times. But is often honest and straightforward and encouraging and productive. And those are the most important things to me.

So that's why it's not going to make the world end, if I'm not correct in anything I say on my profile. I was accurate to the best of my ability and perception. And of course, interpretations are going to be different. If you think that I believe the sun is blue, and you think me wrong for it, but in truth, I'm only trying to say that I had a dream that the sun was blue - what can you do? It's your incorrect interpretation of my intention.

But let's not justify my position. Because I need to purely believe in the truth and right to express what I express. And I don't need the validation.

And, of course, it doesn't mean that I need to ignore what criticism I get. But when I do hear it, I have to give it fair consideration, but I also have to discern between what they don't know and what they do know. Because, for instance, if someone tried to convince me that I was jealous - how could they know? So it would ultimately be up to me to ask myself if it's true. Some people don't want to admit things like "I'm jealous," but I've told you, I love exposing my flaws, it's liberating, to expose the fear of people knowing my imperfections.

StephanieStog, Amelia and my mom all think I love Isis too much. It's hard to sum up, but Stephanie and Amelia think that I want to be her mother or something, because I'm always trying to "take over Amelia's job". Because Amelia had Stephanie and the other Stephanie over one time, and since I couldn't concentrate on reading because they were noisy, I had nothing to do so when Isis was crying and needed her diaper changed I changed it. Amelia started getting aggravated at me, because I was trying to help her calm Isis down. I was only doing it INSTEAD of her, because I thought that she should be spending time with her friends. I was doing nothing, so I was able to take care of Isis, Amelia was presumably busy with friends and it would benefit everybody if she just let me take care of it.

It's okay if she doesn't want to, it's her baby, she can put her friends aside to take care of Isis. But I wasn't trying to take over Amelia's role as a mother, I was simply trying to help out. So my profile says proud parent, because all the other options are stupid. Like one of them says "I love kids..." and you'd think that would be perfect for me, but then it ends with "but not for me" and that's just not true. The other one says "not yet" or something and that's stupid too. I had to express something because it's a premade layout and it would otherwise say "no answer" and that's stupid too. So I said proud parent, to express that I currently take joy in children. It just so happens that my niece lives with me, so she's a huge part of my life.

Which is another thing, I babysit her a lot, she lives her and influences the way I live, so yes, I'm very involved with her. But also, it's an objective fascination that has nothing to do with her specifically. I love kids, and I've always found that fascinating, I want to understand them, experience them, study them. But even though I babysat the twins, I wasn't around them enough - just a few hours after school. So now I have a real opportunity to observe Isis grow and it's amazing. So I'm fixated on it. As I said, it wasn't my choice to have Isis live her. I love it, but I didn't ask for it, it was Amelia's decision. If she doesn't want me involved, she can leave.

So of course it's also my psychology thing. I analyze the way humans work, the way they react to things, and the way we should treat each other. It's my passion, it's my fixation. So I watch Isis and I study these things. And when I see something that Amelia doesn't (which, in general, happens a lot) I say it. My mom tells me I should keep it to myself, but that's just not like me. I know that it's Amelia's daughter, to raise however she wants. But I'm controlling, for one. I also love to teach and enlighten people - so how could I keep that to myself? I also love Isis and it bothers me when Amelia is not giving her what she needs because she can't see what Isis needs. And I also like to experiment with Isis in the sense that, if I think she needs something - I'll never know if I was right unless we try it. So if Amelia never tried anything I suggested, I would never learn from my observations about Isis, because they would all be initial observations, no experiments and tests.

And lastly, it also affects me because I'm here in this house. So, for instance, if Amelia is letting Isis cry for an hour because she's too dense to see that Isis isn't ready for bed, and I have to hear Isis and be bothered by it, that does affect me and I have the right to speak up and say that it bothers me.

So, you see, I'm not obsessed with Isis. There's a reason why I particularly love her. Because I know I can be myself around her. These seems anticlimactic, because I've just analyzed all of my reactions to people, and how I want to be validated etc. But when I first opened this page I wanted to say this.

I have always been really clingy and needy, but not with people, with animals. My dog Zeus did not like me, he didn't like sleeping on my bed or cuddling with me. Because I was too controlling, probably. Because I was always trying to make him do what he didn't want to do. But I needed him so much, I was so clingy, always trying to hug him and make him sit on my lap or sleep in my bed with me. He liked Amelia cause she let him do whatever.

But I felt that I could express myself to Zeus better than a human, who could reject it. For some reason, it comes back to that thing with Mike letting me love him. For some reason, I feel the need to express my love for people. I'm a really loving person, very touch-feely and devoted. I guess there are really a lot of people like me, who become obsessed with people and idolize them and things. And it just becomes crazy how much they love these people, how devoted they are.

I don't go to that extreme because I know it's crazy and I don't want to be rejected by people. But all my life, when people didn't want to be my friend, it was rejecting the opportunity to express myself. It was like saying "I don't want to hear it or see it or experience it. Just shut up." And somehow that translates into the way I express that I like other people. I can't quite make sense of it right now. I haven't fully figured out how, usually when I write I do figure it out but I'm blocked from it for some reason.

In any case, dogs can't talk back and neither can babies. I knew they didn't like me, but it's almost like they had no choice, Zeus didn't like me but I could force myself to hug him. And I did, I was so bad, always MAKING him cuddly with me. I just wanted to be able to give him love and he didn't want it.

Isis resists me too. Like she hasn't given me a hug in a week and I keep asking. I'm trying not to be too forceful the way I was with Zeus. Nobody else NEEDS Isis to hug them, but I need that affection from her, so I keep asking even though she's apparently not in the mood to hug people.

And of course a part of it is not only receiving the hug, it's being able to give the hug. It's an acceptance of my wish to express my love for her. Babies don't criticize you or tell you they are bothered by the fact that you love them. I can be around Isis and tell her how absolutely precious she is, how much I adore her and she just soaks it in, without a word. Besides the physical affection, which she sometimes resists... she really can't resist my love in any other way.

So I enjoy her because I can just be myself. I can say what I want. I can feel the way I want to feel. As long as I don't violate her space and as long as I'm her slave (and give her everything she wants) she's fine with whatever else I do. And that's also why it's a good relationship. Because I give her a lot, I help her move and walk and eat and get the things she wants to play with and help her play with them when she can't figure it out. So it's not quite like with Zeus where all I wanted was the cuddles, and I couldn't give him much in return. It's much harder for me to give her everything she wants, and deal with her when she can't have what she wants, than it is for her to just sit there and listen to me tell her I love her and tell her that she's the cutest thing in the world.

And I know that I have past lives with Isis because I babysat her every night for a couple weeks while Amelia worked in the army and my parents were on vacation. So I woke up with her at 5 in the morning and gave her a bottle, and etc. And my mom said that I had balanced some karma that I owed her, by doing that. So I had to have wronged her in some way during a past life with her. Which means that i had a past life with her.

And really? Isis isn't Amelia's. As a soul, Isis doesn't belong to Amelia. Isis has probably been HER mother in the past. We're always so possessive of our family and our lovers and our kids and our spouses and our friends, but in the bigger picture, souls surpass our current identities. The soul is larger than who it embodies as. So, I have every right to express my connection with Isis. She's not my daughter, but in case you haven't picked it up by now, I'm a realistic person, I can see that she's not my daughter.

I guess that other people feel that there are some invisible boundaries, that I'm overstepping. And I know that a lot of nosy, controlling people do. But I will say that there's a difference between me and them. Because they are always fixated on the parent, and what the parent is doing wrong. I could care less about criticizing Amelia. My mom? Yeah, I criticize her just to criticize her. But with Amelia, I'm only trying to do what I think is best for Isis. I'm not trying to take over Amelia's job, but I'm always trying to enlighten her about what I believe is a good way to handle Isis. And yes, I do get upset when she doesn't agree with me, and then I become negative about the way Amelia is doing it. But in general, I'm only trying to solve problems and make things easier for Isis. I'm just trying to fulfill her needs. It's ultimately Amelia's job, in the long run.

But she leaves Isis with my mom so much, and this is Amelia's first child so she's learning how to take care of babies. So it's always been kind of a group effort. We talk about what is best for Isis. We offer our advice and our opinions and while we babysit we try our own ideas out, and when they work - we share it with each other so that things can run smoothly.

I should work to become less attached. Because Isis is ultimately not my responsibility. It is not my role to run her life, only to offer advice. So, the outcome is not my responsibility. I should allow Amelia to make the decisions, instead of trying to force her to follow my own opinions. But it's obviously hard. If Amelia was making mistakes for her own life, it would be one thing but she's making mistakes for Isis. And that's hard when I'm obviously very devoted to Isis.

The reason I mention this is not because I want their validation, per se. It's because I wanted to show that these are their opinions and instead of just writing them off because to accept them I have to make some changes, I have processed it with discernment. I've seen ways in which they were projecting their own issues onto the situation. Like I seriously think that my mom is just jealous. She's probably never seen me care about anybody as much as I care about Isis, and especially not herself. I've never shown my mom a lot of love, just the opposite.

Or perhaps she was just a tool in this test I'm going through because if she did not put me into situations where I felt powerless, I would have no way to see if I can really accept that I do have power, despite the lack of validation from her or anybody else. Cause sometimes people are tools, and it's not a bad thing, on a deeper level she's really only offering herself to my growth, and she really doesn't feel jealous, she's just acting in a way that can be interpreted that way.

But in any case, I can see that they were misguided in some of their interpretations of the situation. So I can ignore those criticisms. But I also have to allow the truth in, and see that I am very attached in a slight too obsessive manner. And I need to let Amelia be a mother and Isis be the daughter she wants to be. They came her for each other, presumably not for me. Although we can say that they both wanted to be influenced by me (and my mom as well), to a certain degree, otherwise they wouldn't live here. But as I said, the outcome is not my responsibility. It's theirs.