I didn't realize I hadn't written in so many days. I guess because I've been concentrating on myspace, since more people can read what I express on there, than here. I haven't said everything.

I did want to say that it was hard with John, because if I admitted that he was a good person, and forgave him for what he's done, then I would feel myself slipping towards affection, which isn't what I want. I don't want to have feelings for him. So I had to remind myself that he's a complete shit, just to keep myself from liking him, and that made me hate him, and I didn't like that either.

I read what Lyla wrote to me a couple months ago. And even though it said a lot of bullshit things, like John had told me he just wanted to be friends but I couldn't expect it, and at the end she bragged that he had chosen her and not me. But it was also laced with maturity to. So I respected her for it. And I know that when the anger and excessive emotion isn't there she is mature.

I've just thought of her as nothing but a manipulative bubble of emotion for so long, I really forgot how much I liked her. So I wrote her back strongly expressing the truthful situation, which was that John made all the moves and there were a few reasons that I didn't feel bad about going behind her back: one of them being that he told me he didn't want to be with her anymore, and since moving on is a natural part of life, one that I agree with, I had no guilt over helping him move on.

But he wasn't that honest with her, apparently. He lied and made it sound like he didn't have any feelings for me at all, and he didn't want to be with me, he wanted to be with her. So she didn't realize that he was telling me that he was tired of being with Lyla and that he wanted to date me.

So yeah, he made fools out of both of us, that's lovely.

But let's not be angry, let's just forgive it and move on. So Lyla and I talked and talked, about the whole situation and we were both mature and honest. And we're friends now. We've never been especially close, she was dating Mike's best friend Joe while I was dating Mike. So the four of us hung out a lot. But this is good.

And then she asked me why I kept falling for John's lies, if I could do so much better than that. And I thought about it and then I realized that I hadn't fallen for him. I really hadn't. I mean, I haven't wanted to date him since the summer. When I talk to him, he's really sincere. You could say that the sincerest people are the best liars, because they have absolutely no guilt about lying so they can afford to sound the most sincere. Whereas some people have a problem with lying, so even when they do lie, they don't do it as naturally as they would tell the truth, they almost do it half-heartedly.

He's perfected his lying ability. And it's endearing to hear such sincerity, so in that sense, I was always attracted to that sincerity. And I was attracted to the idea of physically being close to someone, because it's essentially been since Mike, that I was close to someone. And if I wait around for Dan it could be years and years or never that I'll be close to someone. So that was alluring.

But I never wanted to be his girlfriend. He treats Lyla like shit and he can't make up his mind. I know he'll only make chaos and trouble. But I purposely ignore that fact, just to receive some attention and get some kisses, and bask in his sweet sincerity.

Even two weeks ago when he came over, I wasn't that interested. Every time he comes over I think - God, I cannot be attracted to him, can I? And I think, I guess I'm really not attracted to him. But by the time he's kissed me, I learn to forget it all and it becomes endearing again. Like the sweetness of his sincerity (personality) and his kisses (physical) combine and then my attraction is complete.

And since he's always so enthusiastic about me (at first) it just seems natural to either date him or at least be friends with benefits. I didn't know that I could date him this time because of Dan. Because it's one thing to kiss people, it's another to date someone, because that's about dedication. And how could I just throw away Dan like that? One, I wouldn't want to abandon him like that. He doesn't deserve it. And two, what kind of lie would I be living if I pretending that I don't love Dan.

I think Dan and I have just gotten into a comfortable pattern of long-distanced affection and sexual attraction and I Love Yous, that I can't imagine anything else. I can't imagine it ceasing, I can't imagine being exclusive to somebody else.

That isn't to say that it won't ever happen. If Dan fell in love with somebody, I'd let it go. I don't know that he would, because he was doing it during the time with Jen anyway. And again, it has become such a comfortable pattern, it doesn't create any chaos or trouble. It's just simple and sweet.

It's like giving your friend a hug when you're leaving or something. Just a comfortable, simple habit. And I like it that way. With such uncertainty with hellooooo John... complete uncertainty. It's nice to know that I'll wake up and Dan will still love me. Maybe one day I'll wake up and he'll be with somebody else, I'm not saying it will never happen. I'm only saying that it isn't an off and on process. John is always jerking me around. And Dan just stays constant.

So needless to say, I don't know how easy it would be to switch that off, between Dan and I. And I don't know how honest I would feel dedicating myself to another guy, I would have to like him a lot - and I don't like John that much.

And truth be told, writing this to Lyla, I reminded myself of the truth. Because previously I had forgotten. John was just really endearing when we were tangled up in each other and when I drove him home and with his Miss Yous, that I grew to like it and I wanted more.

But he wasn't satisfied so, once again, he changed his mind and abandoned me and I wanted the attention, I missed the attention and the affection.

I hesitate to say that I was using him. Because it comes down to the fact that I enjoyed him. It's as simple as that. I liked kissing him, I liked talking to him, I liked exchanging affection - I suppose it's so much easier than being dramatic about boyfriends and all. Mike and I completely changed our lives and I was so attached to how his life went, what choices he made. It's so mcuh work to get that involved with someone. And the truth is, I possessed Mike way too much. When I get married, our lives will be merged in a dramatic way and that's fine, but at this point, it just seems a waste of time.

Most of my boyfriend haven't lasted over than a week. or two weeks. John isn't any different. Mike was the only one that I really felt that he was my boyfriend. But as I said, things were serious. And I can't mess around with a dozen more guys who will only last a week, if they just don't become part of my life.

I was ready to make that commitment during the summer, I was ready to try it. But he hasn't ever wanted to become a fixture in my life. He's never wanted to be my boyfriend. He's only wanted the "in passing" affection. And that worked for me this time.

So no, I don't feel the same way about John as Lyla feels about him, and John doesn't want us to be as close as him and Lyla are, for whatever reason.

I just forgot that John never stays with me for long. That he always kisses me then ditches me. Now has been the fourth time. And numerous times more he's said he likes me or wants to hang out with me and then changed his mind a week later. He's always lying, constantly lying.

I just needed to remember that I can live without him, that I don't even want to be his girlfriend, that he doesn't mean that much to me. I was too busy being hurt to remember that I didn't really need to care.


So even though Mike added me like a month ago, we hadn't said anything yet. And I did his little quiz, and he sent me a message saying I'd done pretty well considering we hadn't been together in four years. Which is an overstatement, guys have no sense of time at all. One month will only ever be one month - not three months, okay? It's only been a little over two years since we dated.

My left eye is itching, so there's something I'm not seeing about Mike, I suppose. I can't say what. But I can say that our perception of each other has been completely screwed up for the past "four years." Maybe we both had that same dilemma I had with John, where if we admitted that each one of us were good people, then we would have no reason to not have feelings for each other, so we needed to concentrate on all the bad things, so that we could be satisfied with the separation.

Maybe I'm too attached to the situation. Maybe. But I know that I've been ready to forgive him for a long time. But he wouldn't let me, I messaged him a year ago and he said that he still hated me and we would never be neutral. I couldn't forgive him because then I would feel hurt at how much he hated me. So I had to remind myself that he was horrible, so that I could excuse the fact that he hated me.

And now that he doesn't seem to harbor any resentment or anger anymore... I feel safer forgiving him. But I'm cautious. I know that he's sensitive. That I make him feel bad when I correct him and dominate him - as I so easily do. I don't want him to be taken under my wing, he can stand on his own two feet, he doesn't need my guidance or my corrective measures. When we were dating, I treated him like a son, like I just wanted his life to go the way I wanted it to.

So I took off the bulletin that expressed that I had said Mike was gay and that I didn't love him near the end. Because to be honest? I only said those things to balance me. Because now that I had made an effort to do his quiz, now that I had taken a friendly step forward, I didn't want to put all my eggs in one basket, so just in case that didn't go well, I could always rely on my spiteful statements about how he was gay and I didn't love him in the end.

Seriously, this whole month that he's been on my friends list, I've left any mention of him out of all my survey answers. If it asked about exes, I would always talk about Dan or Dave or Miguel or someone. And this was the first time that I mentioned Mike and I knew that it was just to balance it out. It was like saying: I'm going to acknowledge you, but I'm not going to risk being nice to you just so you can throw it in my face, so I'm going to be a little mean at the same time.

It's all about power plays. I'm always falling into power plays. So I deleted the bulletin to erase the power play and to erase my spite, and to not piss him off. Because I meant it to be spiteful, although it was honest, and if he saw that, how is he supposed to feel, happy? I don't know if he saw it, it makes me think he doesn't read my bulletins at all, and maybe he doesn't. I have no clue..

In any case, for the first time since we've broken up I'm ready to stop believing that he's gay. It just seems so clear to me. You see, if you think that somebody is in the closet, and they don't know it yet, then it's like saying "I don't trust your own perception of yourself, I think I know best." Now, partly, I only ever brought up the gay thing with him to be an asshole. And partly, I really wanted to express what went on in our sex life with people, and the best way to sum it up was to say that he was abnormal about sex.

But lots of people have problems expressing themselves during sex, and it doesn't mean that they're attracted to the opposite sex. And I respect guys who are comfortable with their sexuality, but I didn't want to respect Mike for that, because I didn't want to respect him at all - because he hated me, so I leaned towards the negative option - that he was just gay.

When he added me and I went on his profile, his info said that he was straight. And just seeing that, for the first time in almost two years (because his profile has been private) - I just wanted to say, Fine, if you believe yourself to be straight, I'm going to trust you. I'm done pretending that I know better than him. I don't. I don't know how he feels. I know that he liked my body and he was ALWAYS hard. That's not gay. I know that he wasn't passionate at all, that only means he's gay if he's then passionate with guys, and there wasn't any proof of that.

I know that he touched and kissed his friends and then he wore women's underwear. Ha. The thing is, all his friends kissed him too, and I don't think they're gay. I don't think Joe is gay at all and he does every single thing that Mike does. They're just like that, they're daredevils, they don't like the restraints of embarrassment and shame, so they are always on their most abominable behavior - trying to say, WHO THE FUCK CARES?

And that's fine with me. If they can be comfortable with themselves, I admire it. If Joe can say, I have the hairiest ass in the world, but I'm proud of it... I completely respect him for that. Guys are wayyy too limited. They're always trying to control each other, keep up the appearance that they have a tough guise, that they're masculine, manly. That they don't do gay things, they're not a queer or a queen. That they don't express emotion etc.

I think it's bullshit. And if Mike wants to surpass those restraints, I more than respect him for it. It's the right thing to do, I would do it myself if I were a guy. Or maybe I only think that because I know what it's like to have the freedom of a girl, and I can't imagine any other way.

So if Mike is doing all this and he still doesn't believe he's gay, what right do I have to disagree? The sex problems are still the same. He still doesn't touch my boobs. But not every guy is a boob guy. Apparently the holy grail is lower, and whether I disagree or not, it doesn't change their fascination.

I can still be honest about this stuff. But it doesn't necessarily conclude that he's gay. And I kind of woke up from that. I kind of just took away that bias I've been in for so long. Mike has been with a hundred girls since me. That's the avenue he's taking. It's possible that all people could one day admit to themselves that they have feelings for the same sex. But until that happens, I'm going to trust Mike to make his own decision.

When I was so close to him, and I could see all the mistakes he was making and I could fill in all the mistakes with the right answers and the right options and the right behavior... I just got into such a superior mode. But now that his life isn't my business, now that his choices don't affect me - I can objectively stand back and say - I'll just have to take your word for it.

And I was wrong to try to fix him, because the truth is? I liked the reality that he couldn't fend for himself. I liked that he didn't know himself. It brought me satisfaction and pleasure because I knew better. If he didn't know the answer, I could give it to him. I enjoyed being superior, motherly. So in that sense, I accepted the reality for what it was. A part of me wanted it to just stay that way, it suited me fine.

I think I've realized that all the times I couldn't mind my own business, all the times I had to be bossy or controlling, I was never trying to help those people change. I was only trying to rub in their face my superiority. I was only getting pleasure out of the contrast of their inferiority compared with my superiority. Seriously.

So these days, I stand back and I let people run their own lives. If they can't? I'm sorry for that, they'll suffer because of it. But it's not my responsibility. It's not my life. My own life is my responsibility and I take responsibility for it. And the best thing I do? Is teach by example. Is to say, this is an option, this kind of self-awareness and productive behavior is an option... but you're going to have to make the decision.

And the truth is, I Want the decision to be made. And that's why I stand back. Because it can't happen if I'm controlling them. I can't make them something they're not, I can only control them for the time being. If someone is dependent on you, you can keep them upright for a time being, but you can never force them to have self-sustainment. As soon as you're gone, they drop to the ground.

So I've abandoned that method, and I've decided that the only way it's gonna happen is if I'm not there trying to show off the fact that I can do it. I can be firm about my belief that the productive answer is always the best answer, and that there are many different faces of productivity, so there isn't a universal answer - and yet, there IS an answer, if only one will find it.

But now, I definitely want to see it happen. I want to see the changes happen. I don't want dependency. I don't want to be superior. I want people to have the satisfaction of growing, the way I've had.

But you have to believe that it's possible. When I was towering over Mike, forcing him under my wing, coddling him and trying to make his decisions for him - it was like saying - You need me, it'll never happen without me. I believed that it would not happen, I accepted that it was just the way things were.

And now I'm standing back believing that it can happen, not that it will, but that it can. Because if I believed it will happen then I would be making the decision for him. I would be trying to force him to change. He doesn't need to change on my time, he needs to change on his own time. So I'm only sitting her believing that it can happen. That if you truly want a better life and a better reality, it CAN happen. All the work is your responsibility. All the choices are yours to make. But I know that it can happen. I'm living proof that it can happen, that growth can be attained, that changes can be made.


And by the way, I just want to say that I was very happy that I could express myself about John with Lyla, and that she took it maturely. She told me that she was really upset last year because nobody was honest with her, like the people who knew about it, didn't say anything to her. And I knew that I needed to tell her what had been going on with John and I lately. She's still with him, but I let her know and I was happy that she didn't seem angry or upset and she didn't lash out at me for it.

She handled it very maturely. I love when I can be blatantly truthful and people can handle it maturely. It's my utopia. So I was also happy that Dan allowed me to be honest about John and last night to be honest about Mike. Because as someone romantically close to me, he could easily get jealous, just as Lyla could get jealous and resentful about John and I. But even though I don't think Dan likes talking about John and Mike, I'm glad he let me talk about them.

I almost didn't want to stop because it was so nice to just be able to be honest about a part of me. Because as this journal entry brings out, John and Mike are part of what I'm going through right now. And I need to express that. And if Dan only wants to concern himself with the part of me that exclusively concerns him or the pretty things like Isis, then I'm not being my complete self.

I was enjoying the fact that I could express my thoughts about the subject with him.