This is an important thing to realize about myself. I'm afraid to want. I'm afraid to hope for something I won't get. To not deserve to get what I want. I do everything I can to avoid wanting something.

For instance, I want unrealistic things. I want to have summer all year round. I want it to be green and rainy all year round.

NY winters are probably not going to go away just for me. That's what I believe. And that same mindset is what keeps me from wanting other things. I feel like people won't cater to my needs. That the universe won't cater to my needs. I feel like even if I want something, I'm not going to get it because my own damn psychology won't cater to my needs.

And it's slightly realistic, of course. There's a balance. But it's also stemmed from fear more than from reality. I fear hoping and dreaming and expecting. I fear that nothing and no one will support me or give me what I deserve - because I fear that I deserve nothing.

Why do I feel like I don't deserve to be taken care of?

Just today, in the shower I think.. I told myself I was never going to ask James out.

My mom told me today to move to Virginia with her. And the first thing I thought was, I don't want to leave James. Not a single other thing came to mind. Not even Isis, jeezus. All I could thing was, I don't want to leave James.

What do I want from my life? I clearly want James. And yet I have strongly decided against asking him out. I have strongly decided that the very thing I want I will NOT ask for. Why would I do that to myself?

I want things to fall into place. I don't want to go looking for lifestyle choices. I know what I don't want, but I feel like the best thing to do is to be open to what I do want, to let someone else choose it for me.

And in part, this was realistic of me. Because it stemmed from my ego always wanting irrational, unhealthy things. And I knew that I had to understand that what was best for me was not always what the ego wanted. But there again, the only time I ever expressed what I wanted, I gave in to believing that I didn't deserve it because it was my ego talking.

And yes, my ego doesn't deserve to get what it wants. It's a parasite. But I deserve to get what I want. I deserve the right to decide what I want. I deserve the faith, my own faith, that I can unify my will with my higher self and make appropriate decisions. But my will has to believe in it, has to will it, has to manifest it. I can't wait for my higher self to hand it to me on a plate.

In other words, it was an X-factor. A variable. I didn't know what I wanted, so I was just waiting for X to be replaced with something tangible. But it won't be replaced with anything tangible unless I make it happen. And I can't make it happen unless I know what I want. So I have to stop making excuses for not deserving things, I have to stop telling myself NOT to will anything to happen. I have to believe that I do have the power to will what I want, I do have the right to want something in the first place.

I even go as far as to say I don't want something. I say, I want James. And then I think, well, why don't I ask him out? Why don't I try to get what I want? And then I tell myself, well, I mean, I don't want him THAT bad. What really do I want? Probably not him. Maybe just some hanging out and some kissing, and I can get that without dating him. So I don't really need to make anything happen that hasn't already happened.

I talk myself out of wanting what I want just so I have an excuse not to make it happen. Because if I really wanted James that bad, why wouldn't I risk asking him out? What the fuck could happen? A slight embarrassment at the worst.

I keep saying that I'll wait for it to fall in place. I'll wait for us to connect so much so that dating will be the only logical next step. I tell myself that I've first got to make out with him, because then I can open up to him and get him to open up to me, establish an emotional connection with him. It all happens from kissing. That's why we haven't kissed, because we're too afraid of breaching that emotional connection.

But our lips aren't going to accidentally fall on each other. Hell, our lips have been essentially against each other for like a solid hour. And we didn't kiss. This was three years ago. It's not going to turn into kissing on accident. One of us has to will it. And it's not going to be James. Jeezus, I can't expect to depend on him. He does not act on his desires. I so wish he would. lol. But there I go hoping for the impossible...

No, I can't even expect the kissing to fall into place. I have to make a kiss happen. And I keep on fucking making excuses. I am so afraid to make that willful action. I am always afraid to try to do anything when it involves another person. Afraid that I don't deserve their blessing.

I mean, think of my book. Think of the fact that I want to help people. That's what I want to do with my life. But simultaneously, I don't want to even connect with people. How can I establish anything, any helping relationship if I don't want to be anywhere near people. I'm so afraid to connect with people. Yes, I have overcome my fear of strangers. I'm better about strangers. Better at communicating with them. But that does not mean that I connect with them. That's the whole point, I can deal with them as they are, strangers.

I'm so good at flirting with guys. But as soon as they get into this invisible zone of closeness, emotional closeness, I just turn cold. I don't know how to act or react. That guy I like at work, came and sat and talked to me on my break.

I just feel dried up. Like there was no warmth on my part, no enthusiasm, no eagerness, no happiness. I feel awkward. I feel like I had nothing to offer him because I was so dried up. But maybe I feel like that in the first place.

You should see me with James. I'm like extremely easy going when it comes to talking to him. Online or in person, I can gracefully flirt and interact. But he's like a freakin turtle in his shell. And I like that. I realized last night that it's, for me, almost like I'm talking to myself. I'm comfortable. I don't expect that he enjoys sitting there listening to me ramble. But because he's so quiet, I do feel like he's just an audience, and I'm the only one I'm really interacting with. And in a sense, I am.

That's why when he actually interacts with me, I freeze up. Like when he came to pick me up to go to his house for the weekend, just... the action of planning something with him, getting a bag of stuff ready and heading out with him was just too personal. It made me feel incredibly awkward. Like I didn't belong there, I didn't belong or deserve to plan something with him, to be a part of his life, to have him a part of mine.

I felt extremely uneasy for the first ten minutes. I feel like my responses just didn't fit in place. It took me a while. And I think that I felt like I was talking to him, instead of just talking to myself while he watched. I suppose, that's what I'm used to with my journal. I talk to people, but I'm not really talking to them, I'm talking to myself first and foremost, and they're just listening in on my conversation. I have no problem having them listen in. I have no secrets to hide, really. But to establish a direct connection, to be one on one.. scares the hell out of me. Like how I used to not be able to make eye contact very well.

And now I can, but again, it's that stranger thing. It's, I've balanced a way of talking to people but keeping this big gap in between me and them, a gap of safety, like they have to jump over a ravine to touch me so I must be safe.

It was like that again when James came over the other day. I don't know why. He was really cute and talkative. And I was just like.. stunted? Like my communication didn't flow well with his. My sentences were out of place. It felt really awkward for me. Almost like, I feel this closeness and I run from it. I freeze or I retract and I almost feel like I'm betraying them. Betraying their effort, pushing them away, rejecting their warmth. Like the actual awkwardness comes from that in between place. Where I can no longer expect to be a stranger, but I fear being anything more. So I withdraw in a way that keeps me from establishing a warm connection with them, but I also have to hold back from becoming a stranger, because we've already come too far.

Yet, I feel guilty because I did retract when I wasn't supposed to. I did withdraw when I should have openly shared my warmth and heart with them.

I mean, the weekend was great. It was very comfortable and easy and I felt pretty close to him. But I think I've always felt like James doesn't want to be around me. I've always felt like he'd rather be somewhere else, that he doesn't have any respect or fondness for my personality. Like I'm nothing to him. It's not that I've gotten that impression from him, per se. It's that I felt a certain comfort in knowing I didn't have to expect anything more from him.

To feel like James actually wants to see me, talk to me, enjoy me.. that scares me. We've hung out a lot but it was so depersonalized. You can sit and enjoy a movie with anyone. Because you concentrate on the movie. And I enjoyed playing cards because I could watch him play, admire him from a distance. It's never been about us. Even the weekend at his house, it was about our bodies. We cuddle, but it's about our bodies, not us.

I feel awkward bonding with my family. Bonding with my parents or Amelia or any of the other siblings. I feel awkward bonding with friends. It's almost like ever since I moved here, I've permanently detached myself from everybody. Like I never gained a best friend. I haven't had a best friend for like five years. I never wanted to be anybody else's best friend. Most of the people I was romantically involved with had boyfriends or girlfriends - from the guys online to Shannon, to guys I fell for here like John or Dave. James hasn't had a gf, but he's been in love with her, so it was the same. Like I want to avoid being the focus of anyone's affection. I don't want a direct connection. I want people who don't want a direct connection with me.

It wasn't like that with Mike, of course. That was the most direct connection I've ever had. But as to why that happened, I couldn't begin to guess. It seems random and out of place.

There's an outer image that represents you and interacts with people. I'm fine with that. That's what I do with James. I use my outer image. Not my looks, but the Melissa that paints a representative picture of who I am inside. Although that's a very vague thing to say - who I am inside. But I'm not going to even open up that door. In any case, I can let people in my head. Clearly, I have no problem keeping secrets. I'm not ashamed of what's in my head. But I can't let anyone touch it. I'm fine being alone, but I can't allow myself to express my desire to interact with people.

Ugh, I don't even know what I'm explaining, it's all began to jumble in my head. I just know that I can let people listen to the real me. I can let them observe it, realize it. But I can't express it to them. I'm afraid to express it. I can talk about it, I can feel it and explain how I feel. But I'm afraid to express it. I'm afraid to be me towards someone. Afraid, I suppose, of getting what I feel I deserve. Which is nothing. I don't feel that I deserve to express myself and be enjoyed. Amelia and Loren and James and other people, they make it kind of a joke - I talk too much. And nobody really cares to hear what I have to say. But I never shut up.

Well, I've made that my own joke with James. It's like, I'm used to believing that nobody really cares about my expression. I express it anyway, for me. I'm used to saying, you don't like it? well fuck you. I like it.

But I find it hard to believe that I could actually find someone who liked my expression. I've always believed it to be a nuisance, more than anything. Like people are just doing me a favor by letting me do my thing in their presence, even though they couldn't care less.

This is why I chose writing my book. I chose to not talk to people I know about this stuff. I chose to impersonally give myself a blank sheet, where I could, again, talk to myself, express myself, to no one in particular, so that I could expect no one in particular to connect with my expression. So that there was, again, that ravine. That no one could cross.

I want to help people... from a distance.

Even when I do connect with people. I feel like I have to say, what the fuck do I do with this? Like there's this foreign obtrusive object sitting in my face and I'm like - well, I'll let it hang out for a while but then I'm getting rid of it. It's unnatural for me to connect with people, to establish a warmth, a feeling of closeness - to establish a relationship/friendship. The concept seems illogical to me. It just doesn't make sense. I can't make it make sense. It just doesn't seem natural.

I have to meditate on what I want. Let it sink in. I have to know that I deserve to get what I want, and I better start willing it to happen. Cause my parents are moving fast.