James is no longer such a mystery to me. I understand him more. I understand why he ditched me. I understand why he's stuck on Liz. I understand why he won't date. I understand why he's shy. I don't understand why he's angry, but I also didn't realize he was angry until recently. It's suppressed right now. I do understand why he's cruel and abusive towards people. Cause he doesn't really mean it. If he did, I would be hurt. He says mean things. But doesn't say what mean things he actually believes. Like he'll tell me I'm ugly. But if he really thought I was ugly, he wouldn't tell me. He's simultaneously afraid to be in the awkwardness of being held responsible for hurting people, at the same time that he tries to hurt people in order to exert power.

But as I said, he doesn't do it maliciously. He calls me a slut, but he knows that I know that there's no reason he should think so.

analogy about the fear of being put in a situation that you cannot handle. a situation where you will be powerless to a monster or a murderer. you would not be fearful if you were invincible or immortal. if you could not feel pain. but emotional pain is far more traumatizing because we identify with the emotional body. we see it as our personality. we don't identify with our arm. perhaps we identify with the representation, the image we present, but not specifically our arm. So it means far more to us to be emotionally pained.

I feel that when I give, I've lost what I give. So I expect to be given in return, in order to make up for what I lost. It's a sort of unwritten deal that people have with each other. I love you and you love me. But what they're really saying is that they cannot love themselves so they need other people to do it for them. They feel betrayed when they've given and not been given anything in return. They feel at a loss, weaker, left with less and snubbed because their part of the bargain has not been fulfilled. They feel resentful. Resentful that they expected the deal to take place as it has been unwrittenly written. And now they've been left at a loss, instead of at a gain.

We need to stop the dependence. Because what this is really saying is that we believe we are incapable of loving ourselves. We feel that someone needs to do it for us. But this isn't so. There's a euphoria, of course, when other people return their part of the deal. But it doesn't always last forever. And it makes us crazy that it doesn't. But the truth is, that euphoria is nothing compared to the sense of completeness and wholeness that comes from loving ones self independently of any help. It's a relaxed state, bliss. Because you know it's not circumstantial. You know that you don't need to earn it. You know that you don't have to be worried it won't be fulfilled. You know that you don't need to be panicked that it will end, or panicked that it hasn't been proved that day.

You know that no matter what situation arises, with whatever context, you will always be loved. a strong and healthy freedom. Free of fear. Because there is nothing worse than being afraid to be yourself. In general, we are always trying to be who will less bring us shame and misery. We try to be someone we can be proud of, someone people can accept and like. You shape yourself by fear. You inhibit yourself by fear. We need to not show what we find appropriate. We need to show what we find. All that we find. Uninhibited, free-flowing, limitless expression. Boundless.

When you love yourself, you know longer need someone to fill that role. We're desperate for someone to reassure us that we're worthy and loved. That's our subtext for our "one true love." The person who we can finally depend on to fulfill the deal. and people find that it's unreliable to expect someone else to give you what you need. As they say, don't send someone to do something you can do far better yourself. Because they will never do it right, your right. You want something to work to your advantage, to fulfill your needs and mirror your preferences, there is no one who can do that so completely. and that's an illusion we have when we enter into marriage. Because there's a blissful period where you think you've found the person who can finally love you the way you need to be loved. And as your marriage progresses you realize that they can't. That they can't read minds, they can't read your personality and frankly, they don't care to. Everybody is worrying about themselves too. Worrying about their own problems. Are they going to be dedicated enough to you to be a slave to your needs?

They attend to their own. Which they expect you to fulfill. But you're too busy attending to your own needs.

You can give without feeling at a loss by loving yourself. By knowing that your needs are already met, and that you don't need to rely on someone else to fulfill them. You don't need to feel powerless when they don't. You don't need to feel betrayed or resentful that they haven't. So you give, knowing that you have a tap that will never run out, a tap of love for your Being. free-flowing expression.


you love because love is god, health is god, compassion is god. you recognize God as the only true reality and you want nothing more than for that reality to be expressed. You want people to mirror their God selves. You want the unreality to fall away. it does not bring you pleasure to watch others fall prey to their own illusions. when you identify with a lower form of worth - pride, singular identity, (solipsm), you want to be the special one, the only one with that achievement and pleasure. Because you think that being the only one will give you more worth to enjoy. But when you have an unconditional form of worth, you no longer need to put others down to make yourself seem better. In other words, there is no relativity. It is absolute worth. And you recognize????? that your worth is in the reality of God. Of being your true Being. So you want nothing more than to share that God reality with others, to encourage it, show it, participate in it.

You give it freely and compassionately because you want to manifest it more in others lives, in your life, here on Earth.