Why does this summer suck so much? Aside from the fact that I have expectations and they're not being met.

Is it crazy to expect the summer to be hot?

I've just waited for like 7 months for this. Waited. Waited. Waited. Hoped it would come. And now it has, and it's not giving me what I wanted. I just feel so blah. So disappointed in NY. Sick of seeing the same old thing. That's part of it. Being out every day during fall and winter, imprinting those images on my mind. NY just doesn't seem as beautiful. It's like, now I've seen its imperfections. And I still see them. I see what summer lacks because it reminds me of winter.

And the people are not much better. Kristen is always sick. 4 out of 5 playdates we arrange, she turns up sick.

Felix is crazy, as usual. Impossible is a better word. Just impossible to get along with. He will not let me. I was so good natured and cheery the first couple days. Impervious to his efforts to make things all wack. I'm not impervious anymore. I'm, if anything, resentful and sensitive. Now it has really become impossible. Cause I don't know how to handle the wackiness. I just fall victim of it. And then we make things worse. And resentment and sensitivity builds.

It seems, they all have their psychological bs. Kristen's got her psychosomatic crap and Felix has numerous crazy reactions to sane reactants. Like John. Insane reactions to sane reactants. That's when you know that they're in their own little world. Except, John is always trying to pretend that there's a problem there, when there isn't. And Felix is always trying to stimulate a problem, when there shouldn't be. Like Felix is the catalyst to actual problems and John was just seeing things that weren't there.

In both cases, I'm being jerked back and forth. Not in the same way. Felix is insatiable though. John was insatiable and so left me. Felix just keeps asking for more.

It seems, that my greatest problem is only what I can see. Meaning, my greatest problem is that I can see any of this. That I studied the winter, tried not to get depressed but studied it. And now the images haven't left me. Not that I'm ungrateful to the summer. I just, studied everything, and now I can compare it with all that I see now, and what I see now isn't what I wanted it to be. Isn't what I remembered it to be. Isn't good enough for my expectations. :(

And I suppose I always had a hold on people's problems. I always knew Daniela's issues and Jenny's issues. In the same way that I'm describing Felix, John and Kristen's issues.

But now that I've spent time studying my own issues, it makes me more aware, more sensitive and more keen on others' issues. I pick up on them faster. I detect the illogical patterns that do nothing but hinder the people - and me, of course.

That's not my motivation. I mean, it's my motivation for caring, that it's hindering me as well. But I can't change them anyway. And I don't want people to be unhealthy. Do I?

I can't really talk right now. I mean, I can't really express myself. I'm too busy considering the moral implications of the fighting I was just doing with Amelia. It's getting me screwed up because I'm asking myself, was I wrong in saying and doing what I did. And then it makes me ask myself, am I still wrong? Meaning, am I wrong in what I'm saying right now in this entry, about everyone else.

And it's not about being just wrong, it's about being morally wrong.

Part of me expects people to be unhealthy. Part of me wants it. That's probably why I attract it. And just as it is for John, even when it's not there, I still act like it is, I still react like it's there. As I was just doing with Amelia... making a federal case out of something that was probably not there.

Why do I want people to be unhealthy? I mean, it's not out of being meanspirited. There's some purpose I've got in wanting it to be so.

I'm trying to curb the secret pleasure that I'm healthy. But I've got my issues too. Like my temper. It's certainly a psychological issue that hinders me. Although my family are the only ones that set it off.

Do you think it's as simple as I want practice?

I mean, my purpose in life is to work through psychological problems. I know that it's my purpose, because of the way I feel when I do it, the way I've been doing it since I was 11. The way I've dedicated the past few years to working through my own psychological problems. Healing them. The way I see everybody else's. And if there were no psychological problems to be found, what would I do?

I wouldn't have anything To do. So naturally, I attract those that need fixing. Those that will instill in me the action of fixing, or trying. I didn't create those with problems. I only attracted to them to my life. It makes me wonder if there are those who are not, out there.

Not that they would be completely healthy. That's not really the trend. But everybody out there is dealing with their own shape and form... of the same thing.

That's why I'm writing my book. To address what it is that infects everybody's lives. Not that I can solve all the problems. I think that's what motivates individuals like me. We think that if we just do this, it will solve all the world's problems. But it's only an aspect. Only a puzzle piece to the bigger picture.