I don't think I should write my book when I'm in an emotional place. However, being in an emotional place is best expressed in blog entries.

Kristen messed around with her ex boyfriend while we were dating and decided she loved him, so she broke up with me. Although now he doesn't want to date her.

I resent her. If I'm to be honest, I can felt like I was doing her a favor. lol. I know that sounds arrogant but it's really not. She liked me, and although I didn't really have as much feelings as are usually needed to make a relationship work, I cared for her and I enjoyed spending time with her and expressing my adoration to her, and it's not like kissing her doesn't turn me on.

I just felt like I'd make things easy and give her what she wanted. It was a bit of a pointless relationship, both times. But it wasn't a big deal so I did it. It's not really a big deal that it's over. I just dislike that she's just like everybody else with this - I like you until I have you - deal. We dated for like two weeks.

I have always gotten the feeling that although she was interested in me, probably merely sexually, that she's never really cared for me. She didn't really want to be seriously dating me. I should have listened to that feeling. I didn't because, again, it was no big deal, it's not like I was dedicating myself to her.

She didn't cheat on me any more than I cheated on her with Felix. But she obviously does not care romantically for me. And I suppose I don't care romantically for her either, so it's fine that it's over.

It's funny, it's like I resent her for her honesty. There were so many guys who just said fuck it all and did whatever they wanted while they had gfs. But Kristen dumped me, instead of carrying on in that manner. I should admire her decision.

But I also feel like I can't connect with her knowing that she doesn't care very much for me. She's always raving about everyone else. She has never raved about me. She didn't even call me her best friend until we were dating.

It's not that I want her to prove that she cares about me. Cause when I get the feeling that someone doesn't care about me, I get rid of them. I have no interest in people who don't care about me. Especially ones who won't lie when they don't. Like John didn't care about me but he was willing to lie about it.

I know, you'd think I'd prefer Kristen's honesty to John's lies. But one of them is an ego stroke and one of them gives me nothing. All it does is keep me from wasting my time.

I don't know what I want. Let me just say that right now. That's what marks my "going with the flow" period. These past few years I've had too many expectations and I tried to control things way too much because I was afraid to deal with situations and people that made me feel uncomfortable. Well now, I'm just going with the flow.

It didn't start when Kristen and Felix started. It started when they left me. You know? I was trying new things, being social, so I've hung out with Garland and Rob and talked to Shawn and Cory and people online. And that was going with the flow. But I concentrated on Kristen and Felix, to very nearly the exclusion of all else. I ignored the people who couldn't please me and focused on those who could please me, benefits, you know.

But Kristen wasn't the best girlfriend and Felix is a bit insane. So Kristen dumped me and I just said, that's okay, we're broken up, I don't mind. She kept apologizing and I told her she didn't need to, I wasn't upset about it. She didn't tell me about the guy.

Then the next night, I realized that Felix was doing nothing but stealing my light. And I couldn't have a friendship with him where I didn't give him my light because when I do that it only frustrates him and makes him more desperate to find ways to steal my light. Either way, that's all he's attracted to. So I was telling Kristen and Rob that I think I should terminate my friendship with Felix.

So I don't know, Felix doesn't seem to care about me. In fact he seems to uncare about me. You know what I mean? Like he seems to want to avoid me. He told me today that we couldn't talk anymore. And I said fine, I'm ready to stop too - because I had just been talking about it the night before, although, I wasn't sure if I was going to cave in and still talk to him. He apologized this morning for his behavior last night, so, I thought I would at least give him another chance and maybe just slow it down a little bit, talk to him less.

But now he's saved me the trouble. I don't want to go into detail about all the nice things he said, but let's just say that him saying we can't talk is very nearly the same thing as Kristen dumping me. Very contradicting and sudden.


Do you think I'm in shock? I felt like I was in shock with Kristen. It's hard to know when you really don't feel anything, and when you're blocking what you feel. I wasn't in love with Kristen or Felix. And I have a lot of strength and power right now because I'm writing my book and partly because of reading Anastasia. I know that it's not for me, living a life of emotional distress. I know that there is absolutely no reason to do it. God doesn't want it for me, my conscious self doesn't want it for me, my subconscious self wants attention, but we're working on that need, so she doesn't want the bs either. My ego is soo old news. My higher self doesn't want it.

I'm not saying that I won't be rejected, just like I have been. I'm just saying that I no longer feel that reacting emotionally is the right thing to do. The same night that Kristen broke up with me, Felix told me that he didn't want me to visit him, contrary to what he asks me to do multiple times a day. And then he said he didn't want to talk on the phone. That was rejecting any connection with me, in essence. He was avoiding connecting with me, although he still asked for naked pics...

And I just knew that I had to stay calm. It was kind of a weird place because I wasn't rash, I wasn't angry, I wasn't resentful, I wasn't hurt, I wasn't emotional at all. But with that emotional pause, I wasn't happy either. Like them rejecting me didn't make me feel sad, but it also didn't make me feel happy either. I handled it really well. I tried not to say or do anything out of spite and resentment. I tried not to do anything I would regret after the "emotions" had passed. But there were no emotions to pass this time, so my actions were decided under better circumstances.

And it does kind of feel like shock, not feeling a lot of excess emotions, not being in love and needy. It feels like I'm devoid of emotions. But it doesn't make it unhealthy unless you're suppressing the emotions. Some people aren't connected to their emotions, and that's unhealthy because their emotions are still affecting their well-being.


So I hung out with Rob today. His face is cute but I don't like his body. I don't mean that sexually, I mean that his body language is kind of awkward and I don't like his voice or the way he expresses himself either. It was a downer. I was excited to socialize. And there are plenty more times that I can socialize with him. But, I don't like his body language and I find it hard to get past that.

I'm not sure why.

I know him from school, but we haven't really gotten to know each other very much. Garland had bad body language too. I like Andrew's body language and James's body language. Even Mike had good body language.

It's weird because it's somewhat associated with good looks, or at least there's a correlation. Maybe people with good looks are more at ease with themselves so they express that through their body language. I know that Erin was overweight but she had good body language, she was very open and warm and comfortable. I just find it extremely hard to be attracted to people with bad body language.

John had good body language. Not at first, actually. It's hard to say. Maybe I was reading into his body and not his body language. Cause his body language worked for me every single time, but it usually took me a couple hours for it to work. And then I was very attracted to the expressions I picked up on.

Kristen has good body language. It has definitely made me more comfortable with her. Kenna had good body language. So there's three women who are "fat," who have good body language.

I've only just now realized it..

I know I said that I wouldn't say what I want, I wouldn't have expectations. But I'd like to be around some people with good body language. Maegan and Lindstrom, even. :)


So I guess I'm done with the Kristen and Felix phase. And I bought the wrong carmex. They both essentially have the same ingredients, but we'll see.

I don't know what I'm talking about with this body language thing. I made it sound like it's their fault but maybe it's just my fault. Maybe I just react badly, feel uncomfortable with some. It doesn't necessarily mean that they feel uncomfortable or even that those with good body language feel comfortable. Their body language is just awkward sometimes and I don't know what to do with it. It makes me want to keep my distance.

I dunno. My book is going well. It seems very probable that it will be done by the end of the summer.

I realized that it was kind of a curse, having all of these old journal entries. And that I was delaying writing. I can't remember when I began my book but I had been wishing but not wishing that all my journal entries were erased (although that would take more than just them being deleted from my computer since they're online) so that I could just start over, start fresh. I was delaying too much, using them for procrastination. It's almost like I didn't want to say anything because I felt that I had already said it the best way I could already and it would be fruitless to try to repeat it.

But I haven't. I wrote my journal entries in different states of mind, and with less wisdom than I have now. I'll ultimately have more wisdom by the end of the summer, but at least it will accurately reflect the wisdom I've had this summer, instead of last summer or the summer before or the summer before that.

So I still have my journal entries and I'm happy about that. But I was reading this book that my English professor recommended to me. It's about how to write. I don't really need it, and it's not especially relevant now because I'm not writing fiction... but it did provoke some feelings and some confidence. And part of the thing that reading does is it makes me read how you say it and think in my head, but I do it a different way. And it's not necessarily just this book about writing, it's about the whole outlook on life, thoughts and beliefs and behavior. Whenever I read, it provokes expressions of myself, areas where I disagree.

And I feel that what I disagree with is my strongest or most necessary area to express. I know it sounds negative, but it's not. Because I feel that it would be redundant, up to a point, to share what has already been shared. I want to take what believe and show them that they can always progress, always take a new step forward, always change and revolutionize their perspectives and their beliefs. So I feel that I have to take what they believe and say, But there's more. And that's what my book is about. It doesn't mean that no one else believes what I put in there, or has even said it. Because I know that it expresses a lot of things that The Vedas, Taoism and Buddha expressed - though in my own words and with my own applications. (did you like that? I didn't say three religions, three religious books or three religious figures, I said one of each hehe.)

But the point is, I speak to what I feel is out there. I speak to my friends and my classmates and people who I feel are not done yet. They have so many available progressive steps to make. So much growth that needs to happen and can happen. And I'm ready to be the one to tell you it.


You know? I'm ready to do it. You can say that I procrastinated in the past and it was wrong, or you can say that I didn't do it then because I wasn't ready. And I know now that I'm ready and I can feel it happening. The writing comes quick. I just deliberate with how I should shape it. I deliberate with what focus I'm going to express. If I should express a focus at all, or just say everything I need to say. Maybe I shouldn't make the conclusions for the reader.

Isn't that the whole point?

Yes, yes it is.