John says:
i regret not going out with you, happy.

Melissa says:
no.

John says:
whatever, have fun at andys party, bye

Melissa says:
I don't even believe your regret. you made the choice that you really wanted.

Melissa says:
four times.

Melissa says:
and all the times in between.

Melissa says:
no "I wish things were different" can take that away.

John says:
you know what melissa your right, you really are, i did fuck you over, four times, and im sorry, believe me or dont i dont care, i wanted to be with you, i really did, but i didnt want to lose the one thing that didnt leave me, the last bit of stability i had in my life, and yes i know "its better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all, and i wanted to love you and to be close to you and spend everyday wtih you, you made me feel good, a different good then ive felt before, and i loved it. every second of it

John says:
i had so much shit floating around in my head, so many thoughs, so many regrets, so much shit i blamed myself for, and im sorry i was so selfish enough to lock myself in a box of self loathing and misery to not have enough sense to think what i was doing

John says:
to you, to lyla, to my family and friends, i understand its my fault, ive dealt with that, when i stopped talking to you i thought about you everyday, and knowing that i hurt you fucked me up even more, and no its not a guilt trip, and this probably doesnt justify what i did, and im not trying to, i just want you to understand that i truely had feelings for you and i never meant to hurt you

John says:
especially 4 times over

John says:
and i do hate hearing about who you want to have sex with who you like, what you want to do, but my opinion on it doesnt matter, i dont expect it to, your not mine, and i know you know all of this already and im pretty much wasting my time, but it just agrivates me because apart of me wants it to be me you do those things with, the person you share your life with, and because im an idiot i always think the worst about everything, idk, this is way too much for you to read and who knows you might not even read any of it, but i wanted to tell you that, and it might not change your mind about things at all, but whatever, im sorry melissa, im sorry i came into your life and fucked things up, but i still want to be your friend and im trying to make things better..

Melissa says:
I read it. and I'm glad you took the time to tell me.

Melissa says:
I forgive you for what happened last time and the time before that and etc. If I didn't, you'd probably be able to tell. But, I can't forget it because I would be an idiot to ignore the pattern. If you say that you're healthier and happier, I'm the first to WANT to believe you. And it's not that I don't. I just can't charge into this blindly, letting you have it your way again.

Melissa says:
And to be honest, I don't know what your way is. I'm completely afraid that you're going to decide you want to be with me again and then make out with me for a couple hours and go back to Lyla. If you want your stability, keep her. Don't make the same mistake again.

Melissa says:
I need to get into a relationship. Not because I need anyone, but because I'm tired of having half-lovers. I'm tired of having Dan and other guys in different states and you and etc. I don't want to go through it again. The flirting. Fuck the flirting.

Melissa says:
I don't know when I'll get what I want or how much I'll have to compromise before then, but I do know that the stupidest thing I could do is begin to flirt with you. Because you're guaranteed short-term. And maybe I want some stability now. There's only so much you can take of the kind of people who want you until they have you and then don't want you anymore.

Melissa says:
I've withstood a lot. But I think I deserve better..