Last night was crazy. I was talking to Felix and John.... speak of the devil, Felix just signed in. And I'm already talking to John.

Well, the day before yesterday John IMed me... so we talked for a few hours. It went really well. He wants to be friends, but that's what he always says so I have to take it with a grain of salt. I warned him that we still had a physical attraction and that it could lead to another climax, so to speak, and then a barren friendship - like always. Hopefully he'll heed my warning.

I really didn't think we would talk again. I mean I told Lyla that he'd be back, but you know, once you say it, you have only to wait until you're proven wrong. It's been a few months. I can't remember the last time he came over, some time in the spring.

We've known each other for nine or ten months and we've only hung out five times and made out for four of them. There was always a bit of space in between those times, more so with the last two.

And I thought I wouldn't need him anymore. I thought that I could move on. But I still haven't had sex yet. You know? Like he's my favorite sexual experience, and I can't avoid that. So that kind of tells you where I'm at when he says friends. I mean, I want to be his friend. I like him, when he's sane and happy. He has been since we began talking again, we'll see how long it lasts. But a lot of the attraction to being his friends is about my physical attraction. I think I'm more comfortable with people I'm physically attracted to, so I say more to him than I would if he were just my friend.

I dunno, I like being his friend. The reason I gave him such a hard time is that if he wanted to come over and make out with me, I'd let him. So I wanted to make sure that he wouldn't fuck up the friendship - because I would otherwise do it. It gets way too easy to make out with someone you've already made out with. It's way harder to find someone new all over again.

So whatever, we'll see how this goes. I'll just go with the flow, and enjoy what I can.

Felix was blocked on MSN the night before he texted me and said we should stop talking. So I just left him blocked. But he wasn't blocked on aim. He asked for my phone number during the week but I didn't give it to him. Last night he IMed me on aim and told me to unblock him so I did. He was the same. Told me he loved me a lot and said a lot of dirty things. The usual. He asked me if I loved him a little bit and I said no. But after that I warmed up to him a bit more. Though I still have no interest in being his sex puppet and I don't believe he loves me.

Two liars. To insane liars. Two insane liars who have had feelings for me. Two insane liars who have had feelings for me who I've had feelings for. Two insane liars who have had feelings for me who I've had feelings for who really turn me on. hahaha. I pictured screwing them so many times in my head last night.

A bit funny..

I don't know what I'm going to do. It seems like such a bad idea to walk into this. Felix is so demanding and John is really good so far, but he's been bad in the past so I have no idea what the future holds. He lets me talk about all the guys and sexual things. I like it.

I'm a sexual creature, as I heard someone say. And I like to talk about sex, and my body and people I'm interested in and people who are interested in me. I like to talk about sexual attraction and connections - emotional or otherwise. And I said a lot yesterday. He probably hated most of it. But it felt nice to be able to express myself. I like express that part of me. I can't do that when I'm worrying about not hurting feelings or making people jealous.

So I hung out with Rob last night. We went to the park. Coming away from it, I can see how it was all leading to the fact that he wanted to kiss me. And then I think, why did I come? Wasn't that just sending him the wrong signals? But you know what, I wasn't presumptuous. I mean, he did ask me to cuddle. And he said that I was interesting and attractive. But other than that, he didn't really say that this would be a date or that he was interested in me. He kind of put his arm around me. And I looked at him, because I didn't know what else to do lol, I was playing pool on my phone. And he took it to mean that I didn't want his arm there, so he took it away. Which is fine since I didn't want his arm there.

I'm not attracted to him at all. I'm attracted to John and Felix. Damnet.

So while I may still hang out with Rob, I have to let him know that I'm not interested - I'm not looking forward to it.

All the guys I've been talking to do not have sexy voices. I wish they did. John does, but I haven't yet talked to him on the phone. Rob doesn't have a sexy voice. But I noticed that after Rob, I relish Felix's voice. It's not bad at all. I think it was just not what I expected. But perhaps now that I'm used to it, it works.

I talked to Shawn on the phone, briefly. We used to talk a lot, but I don't remember his voice AT ALL. Like, even after I talked to him, it still doesn't seem familiar. He has a little bit of a Southern accent. Just a slight thing happening to his voice. He doesn't have a sexy voice but not an ugly voice. I dunno, I'm kind of obsessed. All the guys I know do not have deep voices accept John and my brother. Maybe I'm just used to my brother cause everybody else is a surprise. Sometimes my brother talks in such a baritone that I can't make out any words, just a low hum. lol.

I dunno, lots of guys. I'm hanging out with Garland on Tuesday I think. And Andrew's party is on Saturday. I don't know who else will be there. John reminded me that Andrew is friends with people like Nicole, Lyla and Kayla. So, I'm hoping they won't be there. James might be there. :p I am so hoping he is, so I can see him again. Last I heard he was dating Liz again though.

I was going to bring Kristen, but I don't know if she'll go anymore. My parents are going to be gone and I originally told her this was a good time to record her singing again. So she might come over. But you can never count on her... And things haven't been good between us since we broke up.

I think though, they're about to where they otherwise would have been if we had always been just friends. Dating gave me an excuse to be close to her. Now I don't have that excuse.

So last night my back hurt really badly, the pain had accumulated all day. But then I did some yoga, and I didn't think it would help but the positions worked, in short. I shouldn't be surprised, they're meant to affect the energy flow and relax the muscles. And they did. I was interrupted by Rob's phone call though so I only did a few. I did have my headache again after that, though. Something's going on and yoga can't rid me of it.