I am so arrogant. Always expecting flattery and adoration!

I often get it. That's what I think justifies getting more. I guess you could say that within my self-loathing, I don't actually expect people to mean what they say. It's just as I said with Kristen and Felix. Kristen was honest when she didn't mean it. But I preferred Felix's lie. I didn't believe him to mean it, but I liked the attention, the flattery and adoration.

Although Kristen does it too. But like she does it, and then she gets over it in a flash.

It's like, I expect everybody to be impressed with me on the outside, but not on the inside. Like I feel that people won't really connect with me when it comes down to it, but that they'll be attracted to me.

Like I'm a shiny but relatively useless object. Which is completely opposite of what I know to be true. It's just, not all of me knows it yet. ;)



Oh nooo. Rob just asked me to cuddle with him. But I CAN'T DO THAT. I don't like his body language.

And it's like, I know it's what I wanted because I expected it and I was just waiting for it to happen. But now that I have it, it has put that emotional burden on me. I don't want to let him down. I don't like disappointing people. I like to be able to give. I know, I sound like I'm justifying being someone who sleeps around. I can say no to that. And I don't want to lie about my feelings for him. But how can I tell him I don't like his body language? It seems unthinkable!

I, at least, have to give him a chance! I can't be like Chandler who dumped his gf because one of her "short toes" was longer than her "long toes" and that's just weird to him. You know? When do you become unfair? Everybody has flaws. Why hold it against them?


I find that when guys, and girls for that matter, say that they are uninterested in having a gf or bf at that time, they really only mean UNTIL SOMETHING INTERESTS THEM. Which is fine. But they usually tell me, which seems to say, I won't be interested in dating you. Not that it's specific to me, but it is a statement of that nature. And then they never stay true to that. And it's like, I want them to want me. But I don't want them to TELL ME. I don't want them to put that burden on me. I want them to just flirt around it. It's nice when they do that. It's nice when they have no expectations from me. Or at least, what ones they do are simple and sweet, like flirting.