I don't think I ever remember a thunder and lightning storm happening at 6AM.

Who can sleep through this? I bet every single person in this town, in all the towns, is awake. It's loud!!!!!!!

I don't think I ever remember a thunder and lightning storm happening at 6AM.

Who can sleep through this? I bet every single person in this town, in all the towns, is awake. It's loud!!!!!!!

I cannot name all fifty states. I forget some of them. I did this a few months ago and then afterwards I went through and said duh to all the ones I'd forgotten. But now I've forgotten some all over again.

After I wrote down like 30 of them quickly.. and I concentrated to try to think of the others, I came up with: Arizona, Massachusetts, Virginia, West Virginia, Wisconsin, Louisiana, Wyoming, Connecticut, and New Jersey. Almost forgot those.

And then I knew I couldn't get anymore no matter how hard I tried. So I went to look up a list of the states and I saw Arkansas, Iowa and Kansas. And then remembered Oklahoma, cause Kansas reminds me of Dorothy and Toto and that's why I should have remembered it. Same with Oklahoma, since our school did the play. And then I saw Maryland, Nebraska and Pennsylvania. pshh.

I can see why I forgot Arkansas, Iowa and Nebraska. What are those states? They all make me think of corn. But you know what? Corn is everywhere anyway! So isn't that sad...

I should have remembered Maryland. I forgot that Delaware and Rhode Island have another neighbor, when I was going over that section in my head. And I don't know about Pennsylvania. It seems like a well-known state but truthfully I haven't been sight-seeing there, which surprises me because my parents usually take me to well-known things like the Liberty Bell. So even though I've passed through, Pennsylvania isn't really on my radar.

I think I forgot it last time too, although I was pretty dumb that day. I remember forgetting Arizona, psh, that's a wonderment.. and Washington... when I was trying to remember the four corners I thought Oregon was in that corner.

So next time, I might still forget the corn states but I won't forget Kansas, Oklahoma, Maryland and Pennsylvania, for sure. You know I was really close to forgetting New Jersey. Of all the states New Yorkians should know, I'd think New Jersey would be top on the list. Just because NYC is the center of attention and we know that New Jersey is right across from it. Plus, John was talking about moving there just a week ago.

I miss pinball.

Yay. It's only Liz. I've made my peace with him and her a long ass time ago.

Damn. I'm just beginning to rather like my legs. I mean I've tolerated them all summer I basically wear skirts every single day that I'm not on my period. And I've felt perfectly comfortable with my legs. But now I'm beginning to actually like them. And winter will come and I'll have to cover them all up. :(

Which really sucks because I have no pants. I've got like three decent pairs. I can't wear those every single week! I have a million skirts. I just need to find warm leggings. Like those 80's spandex leggings that everybody wears these days. But I don't know where to find them. I'll ask Kristen to ask her mom. lol. Cause I saw a picture..

Aww man! James has a girlfriend. I don't know if it's Liz or Accalia. I'm going to be jealous if it's Accalia but not if it's Liz. He's been dating her for like a week and a half or something and he didn't even tell me. Him and Andrew came over last night and Andrew finally said it. And I got mad and glared at James the rest of the night. He knew I was mad at the girlfriend thing. Which probably makes it look like I'm mad cause I was hoping we would go out. But that's not really true.

Since I could let the romantic stuff with John go... I still had to deal with the sexual stuff, since we had some pretty good times. And James is sexy so lusting after him helped me ignore John, who isn't as sexy. And when we're being completely shallow here, it's almost easier to lust after James, which is exactly what I prefer. I've just kind of wanted some physical contact. Cuddling and stuff. And obviously that can't happen now.

Plus, whatever James and I had, whatever friendship and simple flirtation we had, will no doubt affected by his girlfriend. That's just a given. Things change when things change. But after James spent some time at my house I felt a little better that things weren't totally different. Except I've now become the abusive type of person who beats on the guy who will take it. I hit him a lot. Whenever I felt like it. That and tickling will probably be the only two ways I'll ever get to have physical contact with him now.

I did cry, but not because of James specifically. I think I have a lot of emotional buildup from John and I may be suppressing it. Because when John was here I couldn't stop crying before any of the bullshit even happened. I don't know what it is exactly. I just know that when I cry, a lot of pure emotions back it up. Like I'm not sad over anything specific, I just feel a lot of emotional burden. And then after James's girlfriend, I snuggled into my blanket with Panda and I couldn't stop feeling sad until I'd let a couple tears slide down my face.

Ahh fuck. I think what really bothers me is that James has been so emotionally unavailable since he's been tied to Liz for like five years, but hasn't been dating her for the past two years. And I don't know if that's who he's dating now but I could not have any hopes for him because of his emotional unavailability... and hearing things about him sleeping with Liz and having girlfriends sort of makes him seem normal. Available. And that makes me want him more. But to no avail.

I don't know.

Just another disappointment that I'm bothered by. I'll get over it, I always do.

Ugh, I'm never going to be able to have satisfying sex with someone. I'm too particular and guys are too fucking useless. In fact, the whole concept of giving the reins over to someone else to drive you to pleasure is stupid. When I masturbate, I know exactly where, how, why and in what quantity I want my pleasure to be given. If I had someone there, none of that would be fulfilled unless we were playing bdsm games and he was my slave in which I dictated to. But that wouldn't turn me on.

I kind of thought, well, maybe it would be interesting to give my body over to someone to experiment with, as they please. It wouldn't be as specific as masturbation but it would still be sexy and pleasurable, right? No. Cause it turns out, guys aren't as inventive as I would hope. My scope is limited, naturally. But let me rant anyway.

No. Often, guys have too little desire and too many straightforward goals. Like, cumming, which takes very little time. And making me cum, which is very specific and as I said before, takes a lot of dictating so LEAVE MY CLIT THE FUCK ALONE AND FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO DO WITH MY BODY, please.

It's so not an art for them. They have no concept of desire and passion. It's so boring.

You know what I liked about John, not to say that he is any less of a dope than all the other guys, but I was on my period so he had to resort to other things. I liked his weight, cause he's much heavier than Mike and when he laid on top of me he put a lot of pressure on so many areas of my body. It was so yummy. I have stimulants everywhere. All over. And they like to be activated.

Whenever I had sex with Mike and he was on top, none of his body would be touching me except his dick. He'd be propped up on his arms and his legs would be between mine, not touching, although that was my mistake. And I hated it. My entire body felt so empty of stimulation. And there were so many other things wrong with the experience. It was useless.

I mean the little things that make me feel so yummy are, having someone pull my shirt up over my head. So sexy. Probably because it's the act of removing the barrier between them and my chest. And it turns me on when people actually Want to remove the barrier between them and my chest, that's why I like it when they do it. And I like it when their hands push open my thighs. mmm. And I like to hear breath next to my hear. Hearing sexy, heavy breathing makes me breathe heavy in automatic reaction.

In fact, even though when I first began being interested in sex, I went straight for the porn... and exposed myself to hardcore sex. After that, I found that it was the little things that were reminders of the hardcore sex, that could stimulate you at any point in time.

You know how in sex scenes in movies, they want to have an erotic sex scene but they don't want, or maybe it's that they can't be porn. So they make it all sexy with clips of body parts interacting. Like a hand traveling up a torso or whatever. And each act is just oozing with desire. That's what it's about. You can't see them have sex, that's not allowed. So you have to see their desire enough to get the point across.

And those scenes drive me nuts, in a good way. And consequently I've been completely programmed to be stimulated by the little acts that express desire. That thick, erotic feeling that possesses you. That's what being turned on for me is.

And yeah, so I'm just another person who prefers the chase, instead of puts stock in the goal. That's what life is about.

I was watching Dawson's Creek the other day, and when Dawson's mom cheats on his husband and tells him why she says that she had the perfect life, the perfect job, the perfect husband, the perfect family... she had nothing more to want. She had everything she originally wanted and now she was supposed to be satisfied. But she missed wanting something. The act of desiring something is a huge part of life. It's motivation. And she said she merely wanted to want again. That's why she cheated.

I'm like her when it comes to sex. I want to want sex. I don't want to have sex. I want to want it. And I want it SO FREAKIN bad. So often. So hard. So long. And I have no idea how much I would really enjoy sex because I've never had it and enjoyed it. Except once. lol. I really want it, but I don't know if, if I got it, I would be satisfied. I have no idea.

All I know is, it turns me on how much guys want sex and how much they want my body, but whenever I give it to them, the things they end up doing are empty of desire. They're heading for the goal. Point blank. And it pisses me off. I honestly think that I could enjoy sex, intercourse specifically. But all those sensors that are turned on when I'm thinking about sex, have to be active when I'm having sex. Otherwise it's a huge disappointment. And I don't give a fuck about my God damn cunt. Cause that's all they aim for. And it's second rate because none of it is worth a damn if I'm not turned on.

Besides, I have this overstimulation problem. And I can't deal with it as best I can if the fucking moron won't listen to me. And it's evident he isn't listening to me or I wouldn't be getting fingered in the first place, I'm sure. Even though that seems very specific to John. I know that I wouldn't allow myself to be fingered until the time was right, a concept which boys don't seem to understand. Since the time fucking always seems to be right for them.

John did a lot of those stimulating little things. Especially when I was on my period and he had no choice. But when I was off my period it was evident that those stimulating little things overwhelmed him and, from my educated guess, needed to relieve the tension with sex. So he was persistent. And believe me, there isn't nothing sexier than desire that's persistent. And I would have loved to give him sex if he had such a strong desire for it... but he made two gigantic mistakes.

The first, is that he didn't listen to me within the moment. I don't give people what they want unless I want it to. Sorry that my body will never be a slave to your needs unless my body being a slave to your needs satisfies some of my needs too. And if being a slave to your needs directly opposes my needs, I won't allow it. For instance, I haven't been naked with someone in two years. I can't just walk into a room and strip and get to it. It makes me uncomfortable. I have to ease into being naked, being exposed. And John had this way of exposing my flaws in really uncomfortable ways. I can stand for my flaws to be noticed or seen by someone else but I have to ease into it. And he always ripped the floor out from under my feet. Instead of letting me walk down the stairs... if you get my analogy.

And that plus the second reason, is why I didn't want John to finger me, had he taken the time to ask. The second reason is that he wasn't my boyfriend and he wasn't giving me any evidence that he planned to be my boyfriend. Just the opposite. He'd come to my house, stick his hand down my pants - directly defying my first rule which is to listen to me in the moment, go home to Lyla and not talk to me for a week. And then he'd decide he liked me again and we'd work towards him coming back to my house, the same thing would happen, he'd defy my first rule and then go home and defy my second rule. And the same thing happened again.

He keeps making me a one night stand. You know when you have a relationship and you have sex and then the next time you clarify things and then the next time you ask them to do something specific and etc... I new that I didn't have that with John. That we had one shot to get it right and if we didn't, there would be no point in communicating the "next time" because it wasn't going to happen. Even though it happened three times, he would stop being my friend after he'd go home so we had to start from zero each time.

You know when you're hanging out with someone and you want to kiss them but you don't know if they want it? We did that each time. When you're dating and you come in and give your boyfriend a kiss, that's what we should have had. We should have had that comfortability, knowing that we'd already made the first move and we both wanted it. But we didn't.

You get the point. Things could have worked out between us in the smaller sense if things had worked out between us in the larger sense. It's like, all the problems that would eventually need to be worked out if we got together, were left alone, by me, because every time we got close, John would push me away and act like we could never be together. And then he'd bring me closer until I was just close enough to expect something from him other than sex and then he'd push me away again.

He says it's because he's afraid of change, which makes sense because he was forced to go through some huge changes with his parents dying. But fuck it. It's not worth analyzing. He doesn't want to be with me and I won't disagree anymore. And every time he says he does, which he might very well do again in the future, I'm going to try my hardest to tell him to go away cause I too easily fall for it.

I really want a backup though. I want a boyfriend or at least a crush so that if John ever does come back I can tell him I like someone else. I can have an excuse not to get involved with him. Cause all the other excuses aren't reason enough. My loyalty is the number one excuse.

Except I have no one to be loyal too. And maybe that's why I can latch on to John so quickly. I really want someone to be loyal to. And I'll take the first nit wit, who satisfied me slightly, to come along.

Honestly. I would rather have my boobs touched, sucked, or bitten than be fingered or have my clit rubbed. Why is that so hard for selfish guys to understand and comply to?

I'm sure that if I had the kind of guy who was constantly touching my boobs, I'd want him to do a little more. But my boobs scream for attention and my cunt is much more patient, except I grind a lot. But that's different.

I don't know. If I get one more guy who doesn't understand that when I'm trying to keep him out of my pants, I deserve to be able to have that happen... You'd think it would be a simple concept.

I'm sure guys get off on dominating more than being desired but I'd imagine it to be pretty satisfying to be wanted and desired. Girls like sex. Not always the same way as guys, but they get turned on and they have needs. (not that males care)

My point is, guys are always sticking their hands down my pants before I want it. Can they possibly get to the point where I'm actually asking for it? Begging for it?

I think I want the opportunity to desire it. Desire is nicer than the action itself. And if you beat me to the punch I'm going to be very angry. And rebellious too.

Ok, period, time to end. Make me a happy lady. I've already put up with you for five days. No need to stretch this out for a day or two more...

I don't miss John. He's disposable because he was so much trouble and because the summer was lonely but these days I have so much being processed in my mind that I don't have endless hours to sit around thinking of what could be and feeling sorry for myself. But even now, when I think of kissing him I don't feel any remorse or sadness. I feel like if we had gotten together I would have formed the wrong kind of love for him. Sort of the kind of love that I had for Mike. To sum it up, it's kind of a motherly love. Because essentially, I don't respect him for his attitude and some of the ways he treated me, but I could still love him the way a mother can still love a child regardless of who they become.

And it sort of feels like a lie, to me. It's sort of saying, I'll do anything to be in love, even ignore the bullshit that I wouldn't normally put up with. People do that so often at the beginning of relationships. And too much of John's personality, not to badmouth him, but to state my own preference, is not up to par with my standards. I honestly just don't admire very much about his character and since I admire so much of my own character, and I'm not a snob, I like people around me to be fantastic people so that we're equals. I would have had to lower my standards to be with him.

He just has a very troubled and difficult personality. I was willing to give it a try but now I realize that it was so troubled and so difficult that it kept us from being together in the first place. I'm not even going to get the opportunity to deal with his difficulties because of his difficulties. So c'est la vie.

He reminds me too much of Jason anyway. I like him much more than Jason. Jason is a total scumbag. But, still, Jason was so controlling and difficult that you couldn't even be around him or talk to him. I'm trying to put this into words. It's like that scene from Jeeves and Wooster where Wooster is trying to please his prospective mother-in-law and father-in-law at dinner, and he sits them down in specific places and then changes his mind over and over again. He keeps putting them in a certain spot and then making them stand back up and move to another spot. He does it like five times, trying to find the perfect, proper seating arrangement. And finally the father-in-law says Mister Wooster, will you please just let us Sit Down so we can eat.

That's what its like. It's like the point is to eat, i.e. chat or hang out. It has pretty simple requirements. But all Jason and John can do is try to control the situation with words and arguments and manipulation to get the perfect arrangement or something that soothes their crazy psychology. And all you do is run around going from seat to seat trying to cater to them up to the point where they'll finally be satisfied and you can actually eat or talk or date them. But they never get there. You never get past it. All you do is run around playing their games over and over again. And you're just waiting for the time when you can sit down and relax with them and be at a standstill.

When I was with Jason, I was never with him, because there was always some goal that I had to jump through hoops to attain. He was never satisfied with whatever situation or whatever status we had. And I did jump through hoops cause it wasn't a big deal but I did it in the hopes that if I gave him what he wanted, he would settle. He would get to the point. But it never happened.

And John was a little less intense and psychotic but I get the impression that it's the same thing for him. And it's probably his attempts to make everything a problem, for whatever reason connected to the fact that he thinks life gives him so many problems in the first place. He's just impatient and anxious about life. Nothing is ever settled.

The funny thing is, for six months while Dan and I were together, we weren't dating but I don't think that either of us were impatient or anxious to be together. Like, we accepted every day for the status it gave us. We wanted to date but we weren't waiting for it. Whether you want to call me his mistress and accuse him of emotionally cheating on his girlfriend, I think we lived each day for what it was worth instead of trying to gain something for the future.

From the near beginning we were settled. And maybe that's why nothing ever got anywhere. And maybe that's why I kept trying to break it off. But I would have wasted six months living for tomorrow with Jason or John, and I didn't waste any time with Dan because we loved each other in each moment, instead of putting off our love until the right time. Even if it never got anywhere, I didn't waste any time waiting for it to get anywhere. I kind of just accepted what each day brought me - even though it wasn't up to par with the full standard and I did hope that it would progress into a better situation.

When John was here and we were arguing because he was trying to make a problem out of a situation whose resolution seemed so simple in my head... he, always, and again this time, mentioned how badly Mike had treated me and I told him flat out that Mike had treated me a hundred times better than John had ever treated me. And it's true. Mike's not the most brilliant individual. He's pretty boring and stupid and etc. And he did treat me extremely unwell after we broke up, but whose ex doesn't? Yet, while we were dating, aside from his usual immaturity and prideful challenges, he treated me really well. He wasn't perfect but I never felt abused or taken advantage of.

Most people would say that I abused and took advantage of him but I'll only agree to the latter. As his mother lol, I was tough on his weaknesses and his ego but only that. I never did anything but love him, scold him when the time was right, and take advantage of him because I'm a little bit spoiled and controlling and he's a weakling.

The truth is, I would be dating John right now if he had allowed it. And I would be doing my best to make it work. But even though I adore kissing him and melting into his body, his body is the only thing I miss. His emotions for me seem like a complete lie because when it came time for his feelings to come into play it turned out he was all talk and no action. And like I said, all he gave me was trouble and attitude and etc. It's like, the truth is, he hasn't given me anything to miss... besides his body. And so I don't miss anything besides his body. Which I don't even miss emotionally because I don't feel connected to him emotionally since I feel like his emotions are a lie. And no matter how strong lust is, it doesn't gain excess to the kind of sadness or regret that heartbreak entails.

That's the thing. There isn't anything I regret not having. He's disposable. Not worthless in general but disposable to my life. And that's what I'm afraid of. He probably would have still been disposable had we been dating by this point but I would have loved him anyway. And I don't want to have to rely on love. You know what I mean? Love is blind. I don't want to be with someone merely for love. That's what I did with Mike. I adored him as a whole but I didn't admire him, his personality or his choices. Although at that point I was a different person who was only beginning to know myself, so my standards were lower and thus, he was closer to my standards than he would be now.

But in any case, I could have loved John, but it's almost like I would have been dependent on my love for him. Almost as if I couldn't have liked him. Not that I dislike him, to be sure. I don't dislike him. It's all just not the way I want my next relationship to happen.

I didn't merely love Dan. I didn't like Dan's lifestyle choices. But his personality was completely, positively delightful. And there was a particular focus that could be understood or reached by both of us simultaneously. In cases like John and Jason, they're too absorbed in their own chaos to focus on anything with you. You can tell that when you're trying to get to the heart of something it goes right over their heads, in most cases. And I felt, a lot, that even if Dan didn't understand, relate, or agree with everything I said, he had the type of personality that could - I can't explain it any other way - focus.

And with very little limits. I've never, honestly, been able to talk about my mom and what she does with any of my friends. My mom did some healing work on Daniela and, of course, Erin was directly involved in my mom's spirituality but I've never been able to even imagine that any of my friends would and could understand the stuff that she and I am involved with.

And it's not just Dan's age, although that surely influences his personality, it's his mindset. It's nice to get to the heart of things and to be able to focus on the heart of things simultaneously with someone else. Sometimes I feel so alone inside my head. I'm so in-depth and so analytical and intense and I can imagine very few people truly understanding the level that I'm at. But Dan participated, is the best way to put it. And consequently could see, simply see, a part of me that very few people recognize.

So, for the record, when all the people around me are bitching about age differences and rap sheets and fiances and kids.... all I'm thinking is, you don't understand what Dan means to me. Or these days what he meant to me. It's as simple as that.

I guess other people imagine that what I wanted in lifestyle and relationship could not be met by Dan. And logically so. But I wasn't in it for those reasons, at least not at top priority. And as far as I'm concerned, where there's a will there's a way. All the things that they talked about were not facts for the future they were facts of the present. Which means that the only thing truly in question was Dan's will, because that is what makes the future that needs to coincide with my own plans.

but, that's not an issue anymore. I planned to talk about my first week back at college, in this entry... but the truth is, I experienced the college stuff at surface level and when I open the entry it's almost too monotonous to replay the stuff over again. It's only with the intention of pleasing someone with my words, that I can really make the effort.

And meanwhile all these thoughts about John and etc, they're sitting in the back of my mind while I'm experiencing other things. So when I open up the box to do my entry, these things can't wait to surface and this is where it happens. So the redundant things never come up. So maybe tomorrow I'll write the entry cause I don't have classes and Isis won't be here. James might drop by though. :) I wish I wasn't on my period...

That dream was twisted. It all started out with Dan. Who didn't have a single characteristic of Dan but considering I checked his car for the Michigan license plate, cause I wanted to know if he had rented... which he hadn't... I know that I'm right in thinking it was supposed to be him.

But after that the dream got so fucked up. So many people. Such huge evil themes. Blah.

I would do almost anything for a smooch right now. And since there aren't any emotionally available guys around I keep picking emotionally unavailable guys like John and James to kiss. Well I haven't kissed James recently but you can imagine what I'm fantasizing...

My heart feels barren at the moment. It's a difficult feeling to deal with.

Every time I break it off with someone I want to change everything in my life. Primarily, because it's public, my myspace profile. Sometimes I want to change my hair color. I think half of it is because I want to get a new image because the image I had failed and I want to prove that I can transcend my image's flaws, even though I don't always know why someone doesn't want to be with me. And sometimes I also want to prove that life goes on. Right now I feel like transforming my myspace. And the last time I did it was right after I stopped being friends with John for the second time. Cause I want to make a somewhat public statement that life goes on.

I had a lot of emotional turmoil felt in my stomach every time I'd see or hear about Mike and his friends after we broke up because it hurt every time I realized that life had gone on for him and them. Maybe, in some ways, I hadn't let go of the situations between me and his friends so every time I saw them I was reminded of the conflicts between us. But also that their lives didn't have evidence of me in it. Like I can hear my thoughts but I can't hear theirs so from all appearances, they've moved on. And I guess I wanted them to be just as bothered with me as I was with them. Which, I'm sure they were. But I still had a mixture of nervousness and envy every time I was around them or heard about them.

I think that's why I liked having Mike in my Biology class and my lunch period. Because he could talk about going off with his friends or whatnot but mostly it was about the here and now while we were there. I was still part of his existence, even if I was an enemy. I guess I have a lot of spite in me. I hate not being relevant to people that I was once relevant for. Well, actually I hate not being relevant at all. That's why I enjoy going to school because every time someone looks at me it makes me feel relevant. But it doesn't bother me when they ignore me whereas when I was once relevant to someone and suddenly I'm abandoned, it gives me emotional discharge.

I've never had a problem being an enemy to someone. I don't get affected by fights as much as some. It hurt more to have distance between me and Mike&hisfriends than to be fighting with them.

So that's obviously why I feel like it's punishment for other people when I prove that life goes on. Who knows how many people are like me. Who cares. I have all these weird coping skills and strategic war plans when it comes to people. Like I don't see friendships the same way as I think other people do. I don't trust people in the way that you often do when you get close to someone. You trust that they like you.

And I don't trust that people like me. So when people say that they don't. I accept it readily. And then I create my defense strategies. Actually, less defense and more offense. Well a mixture of both, I guess. I think my strategies have the intent to protect my pride and punish their pride. I'm a great fighter. A devoted lover but naturally I don't really bond with people. It's like I'm not friendly. I'm nice but not friendly. I don't know how to bond with the human nature of someone. Like when you meet a stranger and you know nothing about them but you smile and make jokes or small talk automatically. You relate to their most basic human nature, so that you can still be kind and friendly to someone you really know nothing about.

I'm just not like that.

I like to be close to people. I'm just very particular about my options. There are so many people that I don't deem worthy. Well sometimes it's not necessarily an offense to them. Sometimes it's just a lack of interest.

So I was going to talk about my evening but I'm too sleepy now. I want to concentrate on James. :)

Ah, it's awesome getting out. Home is where the heart is. And that's precisely why it feels good to get out and about. Of course, all I've had this far is five minutes of my composition class. And then I spent $500 on college books that were not fun to hold for 15 minutes. But every time I get in my car and drive I feel great. I love driving alone. I love leaving based on my own decision and well that about sums it up, I love making my own decisions. I love not having to debate my decisions with anyone other than myself.

And I like dressing up and being seen by people. I know it sounds strange. To say that I like being seen by people and not to see people. But I do like to be seen by people. It's kind of a confidence boost. :) And maybe I like seeing other people a tiny itty bitty bit. But it's mostly about being seen.

Homework is a little iffy but I have plenty of time. I didn't have much homework last semester. Either college is really easy or community college is really easy. I can't know until I transfer.

I think Lyla was at the library when I went. I know that Nicole was and Nicole probably doesn't hang out with anybody except Lyla and Kayla. And Kayla doesn't seem to frequent the library the way Lyla does. But I could only see Nicole so I don't know who she was with...

Amelia won't wake Isis up so I can say hello to her before I go back for another class.

I have butterflies in my stomach. I told Amelia about the situation with John and it put a downer on my mood. Not that Amelia makes me happy either. Or maybe I was already down. I have to wait until tonight to get Painshop Pro back and I wanted to edit pictures. And before that Amelia reminded me that I can't wake up Isis because blah blah blah. I think that's what put me down. I don't know. I just know that I was really happy and now I feel kind of empty. But in a half an hour I get to go back on the road again. And hopefully that will brighten my heart again.

October. hmm. I can't wait until the third season of Veronica Mars comes out on DVD.

Okay fine. I like to relate to tv shows, I like to lose myself in the character's lives. I'm pathetic. Go away.

Amelia told me the other day that my entire life is about movies. Of course it's not. And she was wrong, I have had a lot of experience. But I guess when it comes to human interaction, I like to watch it more than I like to experience it. I guess I don't really get along with people. Meaning, I don't bond with them the way TV characters bond with each other.

I don't know. Life is different than TV. I guess that's simply what it is. It's not that I replace my life with TV characters' lives. It's that I enjoy movie script interaction. I enjoy the life purposes that some of the TV character's have. I live what I can't live in real life vicariously through characters.

I have my own life. But sometimes it's not as satisfying as I feel when I watch particular shows. I tried to say that specifically so that I didn't articulate that it was more satisfying to watch the show than to live my life. It's not. It's that relating to the characters can be more satisfying than my life.

It's not a foreign concept. Humans like stories. They like books, movies, tv shows, tall tales, ghost stories, songs etc.

So I'm really only defending myself to Amelia who won't ever read this. *sigh*.

[12:17] IAMSpartacus117: You and I are never going to talk once you move back in with your mom, huh.
[12:17] PoobTheBoob: i doubt it
[12:17] IAMSpartacus117: You doubt we'll ever talk?
[12:19] PoobTheBoob: we will
[12:19] PoobTheBoob: dont worry
[12:20] IAMSpartacus117: :)
[12:20] IAMSpartacus117: I am worried. :(

So the question is, do I come home between all my breaks? For instance, today, I have a class at 2. It'll probably only be an hour to a half an hour long. And then I don't have another class until 6. But you know what? Often on the first day, they just give you a run down of the expectations and then they send you home. So I might only be at the first class for a half an hour.

Well, if that's so then I am definitely coming home. I think it takes about 15 minutes to get there. 15 minutes to get back. That gives me an hour or so in between to see Isis or whatnot. On Monday and Wed my gaps are pretty small. On Thursday it's the same two hour gap.

I just had a dream that I went to my first class. And I was talking to Jeremiah about my Greek class. I was wondering why I would have two languages, unless the Greek class was Greek history, or possible Greek literature. I think he had the Greek class too and he told me that we should quit because it was too hard. Or maybe not just hard but boring. Anyway, I was trying to convince him to stay in the class and I told him we could study together and stuff...

He was still disagreeing with me when Isis banged on my door. :) So I got up, checked my schedule because I was suspicious about the Greek class, didn't remember it. Found out it was really there and when I opened the door, the woman Mariam who is staying with us and was babysitting Isis while my mom took my car to the inspection... was holding her. And then I reawoke. Cause that was really a dream. So I went to say hi to Isis for real. And my schedule doesn't have any Greek class.

I had another lucid dream yesterday too. It was really short though. I figured out it was a dream and then woke myself up. I think that's it.

I think I had a lot of dreams last night but I've forgotten them. My dreams are lame when I can't explain them and I just sit here not making sense. The other night I had like five dreams and I kept waking up after each one. It's weird, it's like I dream and then once it's over I wake up. I seriously woke up after every single dream and sometimes in the middle of the dream, all in one night. It was annoying. I think I still kind of do it, but not as many times a night. I wake up in the middle of the night for various reasons. I don't know.

I told James yesterday about how he's a good transitional tool. lol. I hope I didn't put him off. He's really easy to scare away. I haven't talked to him very much lately. And I can't help but wonder if it has anything to do with him sleeping over. Specifically him sleeping right next to me.

I keep thinking about that. Maybe it is odd. For two people to sleep next to each other and not take it a step further. But it's really just shyness. And the fact that we don't exactly like each other romantically. If we did, we'd find a way to beat the shyness. But since I think it's just physical attraction, it isn't really worth pursuing.

But the other day he told me that he touched my butt while I was sleeping, on purpose. lol. We're so innocent.

Yesterday Isis was home but Amelia decided that on our day off she'd whisk Isis away to Boston, to visit her Biological dad. Who is visiting from California. So she spent three hours driving there and three hours there and three hours driving back. All that time I could have spent with the little munchkin.

But that's okay. I've realized that it would get boring hanging out with Isis all day long and that it's nice to see her a few hours a day. Watch her be a happy little monkey. But still have time to myself.

I'm so unmotivated to get a job. I mean, it's like I have to really put an effort into getting one and I don't want to. I want to just do the bare minimum and get the job so that I can make myself go to work. But I'm not really enthusiastic about the idea. But I do need to start having an income. Or rather, I want it. Since I now have freedom, what else is there to do but go out into the world and spend money?

Stay home and make out with your boyfriend? Aha. I forgot I don't have one. What happens when I get a job and a boyfriend but I don't have any time to stay home and make out with him? Well neither of them are looking hopeful at the moment so I guess that isn't a current problem.

I wonder if James and I will stop talking for another ten months. I miss him. I miss him now. I miss him when I think of the past without him and the future without him.

I feel alone.

You know one of the things that bugs me about John leaving me is that I feel discarded because I'm pretty. I feel like he was attracted to me for all the shallow reasons so when it came time to pick between Lyla and I, he knew that everything he liked about me was worthless. And Lyla is the one he loves. I'm just like a distracting toy.

Even if it's not true. That's what goes through my head while I'm feeling sorry for myself.

At least I got my proportions fixed.

Well now that's interesting... today is Jeremiah's birthday. I mean, I knew that it was his birthday some time soon because of myspace but I didn't pay attention to the date until today. And today I had a dream about him.

Dude, I cannot possibly do my photography anymore if I don't get this monitor thing fixed. I think that my computer was set up to be with the um LCD? computer screen. Its proportions are different from the one I originally had, and still have.

And I can fix the resolution but not the proportions... It's making icons and pictures and stuff look fucking long. What were once rectangles are now square and what were once squares are now rectangles standing upright.

And Amelia has that huge monitor that she refuses to give me. I completely need it. :( I don't want to spend another hundred bucks on a monitor. I just want the bare necessities. And now this monitor case is becoming a necessity.

Christmas is coming up.... hmmm... Okay, Three months is kind of a long ways away but I'll shoot for it. :p

Wow, the regular monitors are 40lbs and the LCDs are like six-nine pounds. Jeezus. Don't they keep making life easier and easier.

I really can't stand to eat but I don't want to die so I'm trying to ignore my eating disorder.

Have you ever sat there thinking intensely and then suddenly wondered what you had looked like that whole time you were thinking things over? If someone else had been in the room with me, I periodically would question what I looked like as I expressed my emotions on my face.

Usually when I'm alone I have less to dwell on, since there's no one to see the face, not even me, most of the time. But I was sitting there thinking and I suddenly felt vulnerable. And stupid looking. And wondered how I looked as my thoughts changed in tone and subject. I pretty much can imagine what it looked like as it scrunched up when I cried. :)

See, I was trying to make my emotions remote and distant, in the beginning of the last entry. I was trying to be cold and numb. And then I warmed myself up, relaxed myself by the end of the entry. And then I wasn't as afraid of the pain as I've always been. So then, naturally, I let myself feel it.

Truth be told, emotions aren't that scary. You feel them sweeping over you and you run, at least I do, as fast as I fucking can. That's my impulse. But when facing them, they aren't as powerful as I thought they'd be, I guess.

Still, I'm horrified at the dwelling thoughts that keep creeping in. I wish not to run it over in my head repeatedly. But I feel like I can't run away either. I can't lose myself in my TV shows or my puzzles. It would be wrong to even run to James, even though I so badly want him here so I can ask him to cuddle with me. :(

I guess I just have to face the pain and see where it leads me.

lol. You know how I say that I get with people who I can't be with because I'm desperate to keep distance between me and them? *short version right there* Well it's sort of the same theme in that when I don't acknowledge the pain, I bottle it up and ignore it, so that I can't lose it.

See if I acknowledge the pain, I release it. I let it go. And then I can actually move on. To a certain degree, I've been too attached to all of these guys to face the pain and let go because I was just secretly hoping that it would work in my favor in the future and then my feelings for them would be wanted. So if I could just put them on hold for a while, make them dormant until things worked out, and then they could come forward again.

Is that the same theme? Well it feels like it in my head.

In any case, that's one of the reasons why I didn't want to let Dan go. Not because I couldn't but because to get over him was to say that there was never going to be an us in the future. I could put my emotions aside for a mount of time, but I was too sentimentally attached to actually let them go. That made a statement that I wasn't willing to face.

But I guess my mom telling me, from a particular authority, that Dan and I were never meant to be, added to the time away from him and the newfound feelings for John, kind of gave me enough motivation to release my attachment to him.

And enough common sense, although it took me a long time to gather it all, led me to realize that Mike was so much of a dumbass that he wasn't worth wanting. He can't ever give me what we had anyway. And his current lifestyle sounds a bit iffy. I don't really want to be part of that.

So... John... how can I convince myself to let go of the attachment, to the sentimentality of our attraction? I keep thinking, what if? Sure, I can accept that we're not together now, but can I really let go of any possible future? Can I really say, yeah, I don't ever want to be with him. I could easily convince myself that I don't want to be with him now. But it's so easy to bottle up the feelings and save them for the future. It gives me hope.

It's not that traumatic to lose people. But it's terrifying to lose hope. It's depressing to lose hope. Putting my feelings away to hibernate for the winter leaves room for hope. And that is my best coping skill for heartbreak. Hope.

But I know now that John won't leave me for Lyla. My only hope is if they break up. And who can say that by that time it'll be appropriate for us to date?

I suddenly can't think. This has made me very tired.

I'm avoiding putting on CSI because it's just the most disgusting, twisted show I've ever seen. I hate it. But I keep watching it and I'm just polluting my mind with all these twisted plots and disgusting scenes. It's horrible.

My heart aches in this sad, still way. Like, I knew that disappointment was inevitable so I didn't get my hopes up enough for it to really hurt this time. It's crushing.

And you know what's the most crushing part about it? Now I have to get over him. And it might not be difficult. But getting over him is like saying that he meant nothing to me. I wanted the opportunity to be close to someone again. To care for them, to want to be with them, to devote myself to someone. To be received by someone.

And now that I'm not received, I have no choice but to move on. I'm not going to sit here with a heartbreak. But moving on is to say that he didn't really mean a lot to me. He's easily forgotten. That's what makes it sad. If I get over him it's like saying I didn't love him enough in the first place. And if I can't get over him than I'm stuck with the pain.

But I can get over him. I honestly want to be with him and kissing him and being in his arms feels amazing. But he's made his decision, he loves Lyla more than me.

It's like he keeps being with Lyla and telling himself that he wants to be with me but that I'm out of his league so it'll never happen. And then I go, but John, it can happen, I actually like you. And then he goes, but wait a minute, I want to be with Lyla. So then I go, okay, I'm gone. And then he goes, but I really miss you, except I've fucked up and you won't have me. And I remind him once again, actually John, I miss you too. So we Can be together. And he goes, but actually, I think I want to stay with Lyla.

And I move on. And then he goes, I was going to ask you out a couple days ago and I really love you but oh no, I fucked up, you'll never take me back. And I go, actually, I think I still want to be with you too. And then he goes, but wait, I love Lyla...

It's like he keeps trying to get me to fall in love with him and once I do, he rejects me. But I think that it's a little bit different. I think he never expected me to fall in love with him and that's why he kept pursuing me behind Lyla's back. It's like he asks me how I feel about him and expects me to reject him, but I don't. He thought I would never take it anywhere. And three times, I did.

The last time I got over him it went really well. I didn't cry. I didn't miss him. I was happy to hang out with James and get my car and move on with my life. And then he started telling me stuff about how he feels about me and misses me and the like. He asked me how I felt and I told him that my heart moved on and he wrote a journal entry saying blah blah blah, a bunch of sad stuff... and I was touched.

I guess you could say that my motivation to be with him was because he wanted to be with me. Not to say that I didn't want to be with him but I couldn't put myself on the line again, so, I put his feelings on the line, they were the ones that made me make my decision. And then I didn't tell him, I waited till he was here and we were kissing again. Which, aside from the fact that I was wrestling with him - which any girl knows is a turn on for a guy... he was the one who kissed me first. But when I kissed back he protested a small amount and I ignored it. And then I got upset. It was kind of weird because no thoughts entered my head, I just broke down and cried. Like the emotions weren't sending me verbal messages they were just hitting me in a devastating way. So I cried and I think he felt obligated to make my sadness go away so he said he would break up with Lyla.

And he tried but then she got sad and now he feels obligated to stay with her.
Plus, apparently, he loves her too much to let her go. It's funny that when I was over him he forgot all about how much he loves her too much to let her go and decided to give me the impression that he was willing to let her go for me. You kind of just wish he was smart enough to figure it out in the original context, instead of leading me on, to put it simply.

I'm not angry anymore, though. The way I was with Dan and him a few weeks ago. Angry at the injustice of their behavior towards me. And I'm trying not to be hurt that he cares for her more than me. Que sera sera.

It's out of my hands. And I'm not going to struggle with the truth. You know? If he loved me, I would take it. But he doesn't and I'm going to accept it.

You know, every time I get close to John I think about James. I think about how I have to stop flirting with him. And I don't want to, but I would expect it of myself. And then I lose John and I'm like Fucking WOOT, I'm free to flirt with James again. And James makes me happy. He doesn't love me. He doesn't kiss me. He's quite simple, actually. But he makes me happy. In an innocent manner. Almost like Isis.

He's such a good transitional guy. And it helps that he's hot and I like flirting with him.

Aw, he's moving back to his mom's in a couple months. :( I'm going to miss him. I'm sad now. This could make me cry more than John ditching me again. Cause I had higher hopes for James and I. It's like when Amelia told me that Isis was going to be gone for another two weeks. I felt my inexplicable happiness fading away.

John was more trouble than happiness. Sometimes love is about passion and intimacy, not sex, but emotional intensity and intimacy. It's more dramatic. I think we crave meaning in our life and love gives us a meaning that we hang on to.

But now that I've uncovered one of the mysteries that motivate us, or at least me, to love.. I can better accept the simplicity of happiness such as the like that James brings me.

Isis is alive. That's the best word to describe her. She's happy, animate, expressive, talkative... her body is alive. She reminds me of Curious George. Not to make her seem cute, that's not why I compare her to him. But because George is very expressive and yet, he can't express himself with language. He expresses himself with facial expressions and tones and some oohing and aahing and stuff like that. He's interactive even though he can't interact with language. Isis is the same. Her body is alive with all the expressions that communicate with us. It's amazing.

I saw some squishy little babies today at the mall. HA. I never want a squishy little baby. I want them when they come alive.

So I had to get a new blog because John has my old one and if I make it private then other people can't read it. And I need an audience. He was breaking up with her and I left my room and when I came back he sent me messages saying that he couldn't do it. So I didn't respond because it wasn't immediate, if you know what I mean. And then I figured that that was the best way to handle it.

To be gone. No forgiveness expressed, no hate or disappointment expressed. No blocking him. No taking him off my myspace. Nothing. Not a word. I don't want him to know my reaction this time. I don't want him to have the luxury. I want him to wonder. To have me there, tell me he doesn't want me anymore, and to have that given to him. He said we can't hang out anymore, for obvious reasons. And every time we talk he's telling me some mumbo jumbo about how he likes me but that's as I said, mumbo jumbo. So there's really nothing more to say.

I don't want him to know about my life anymore. I don't him to read the journal entry I would write after hearing his words. He doesn't deserve my contact. He doesn't deserve my pain or my happiness. I can't see a point in expressing either, except maybe for closure and he's just not going to get any this time. He's said exactly what he needs to say to close the subject for me. So this time, I won't back out. Often when I want to give people the silent treatment I find that I, myself, need to hear their words so much so that I have to break my silence. But this time he's given me what I need to move on. And I'm not giving it to him.

So I'm going to disappear. I haven't decided if I'm going to leave all the entries up in my old blog or if I'm going to take them all down. It's like, is it more of a wonder when you abruptly leave your house with all your memories left inside it, or when you leave your house and take everything that represents you with you...? I'm just not sure. But I usually move the entries anyway. So, I think I should. Eventually.

Oddly enough, I think he's way ahead of me. I think he already deleted his own blog. He's compulsive, like me. And it wouldn't surprise me if he blocked me or took me off his myspace list. But sometimes I feel that when you detach yourself from someone it leaves you wondering. And wondering it more difficult to conquer than pain. I'd rather know and be hurt than not know and wonder.

Wow, I was right. Him and Lyla took me off their myspace lists. Shit. I wanted Lyla off though. I was thinking of taking her off mine. I didn't expect her to take me off hers first. Well, whatever helps him take me off his mind... I guess. Even though I'd prefer not to give him that satisfaction. I want to be there, reminding him of myself. And I'm crushed that he can remove me from his life so instantaneously... but since I had already removed him from my life instantaneously, I guess it's fair.

We're too much alike. I kept thinking that if we went out it would drive us both nuts having a taste of our own medicine every day.

I wonder if now I needed to create a new journal. He surely won't read it anymore.

I can't afford to let this hurt me.

Lucky for moi, I have classes tomorrow. So I have immediate things to move on to. Hopefully other boys to throw my charm at. Maybe if I'm lucky there will be some females to flirt with. :)

I don't know. I'm not really eager for anybody. I don't want to get excited. Because the last person who excited me didn't follow through. None of them have. I don't mean to sound the perfect cynic, but maybe I don't have anything to be excited for. It's not up to me because I need the right combination to come forth. I'm picky, okay. I can only wait and see what life brings me. And there just aren't any guarantees that life will bring me anyone for me to get close to. I've just seen how easy it is for life to place me in a crowd of people with not a lick of meaningful interaction. And I've also seen myself bond so beautifully with people who just aren't meant to be permanent and active in my life.

It's like, the destiny, that's what's missing. There are people who like me. There are people who I like. And there are also people who like me who I like. There are opportunities to make it happen and even the wills to make it happen. But it doesn't end up happening. There's like a missing element.

And that's where destiny comes in. I tried so hard to work with what I had. It's like, I didn't want to make any mistakes. I didn't want to leave any stone unturned. I wanted to make a thorough effort. I wanted to prove that I deserved someone and prove that I was capable of making the right, healthy decisions.

Look at it optimistically, perhaps I did prove just that. I proved that I deserve someone who can give me what I can give him. And Dan couldn't. And John couldn't. And Mike couldn't. And maybe the others couldn't. Maybe I keep being given opportunities to prove my worth and I take them, so I can move on to the next level. You know?

You draw to you not rewards, per se. Life isn't about the good things that can happen. It's about the trials that challenge you to grow and learn. And when you can't, you are given the opportunity over and over again, to learn. And the more you don't, the worse it gets. Your weaknesses make you unhappy, they create conflict and torment in your life. And it's just repeated again and again. If I had failed my tests, I may have been given the opportunity to stay with these guys - which is what I wanted, but who ultimately wouldn't have pleased me as much as my heart tells me they would.

Maybe I deserve better. I don't mean to sound snide. But I am being honest. I try. I try to grow and learn. I try to understand. I don't try to get what I want. I don't have a goal to get the happy ending. I have the goal, to learn all that I can so that I have the willpower to make the happy ending. So I take the situations that are brought to me and I try to understand them. I try to understand the themes and the conflicts and the positive things that I react to. I try to understand what they mean to me and why they prompt me to be happy or unhappy or express myself in a particular way.

I think that the guys who didn't give me a solid relationship, who didn't work out, challenged some of the conflicts inside of myself. I wouldn't take it back because who would I be if I hadn't grown this way. I would be, like, stunted. And maybe the sad truth is, they weren't given to me for love or romance or sex or happiness. They weren't given to me for solid companionship or reliability or trust. They were given to me to help me face my weaknesses. And perhaps I to them.

But I find that many people around me do not learn as adeptly as I do. They try to go against the currents that they themselves have created. They always say that they're working against life or other people but they're not. They're working against themselves because they have a divided will. To me, situations are opportunities to pick up the pieces of my divided will. Too much is hidden and you can't put a bandaid on the wound that you aren't aware of. And yet, it can still get infected regardless of how much you know of its existence. The situations bring forth my reactions. And my reactions are expressions of my depths. And I can learn from seeing myself expressed from different stimulants. And then I learn and understand the Will that is underneath the surface, but still active. And I can mend the divisions of Will that give me pretty much all of the battles that I'm faced with on Earth.

We're ruled by a combination of strengths and weaknesses. And they don't have to be. We aren't created to life an evolving life as the same person. We're supposed to travel. Our personality, our wants, our needs, our weaknesses, our fears... and even our strengths aren't supposed to be what they always have been. Truth be told, if you believe in reincarnation, it isn't really logical to suggest that we were born the way we were and we can do nothing about it. Because we have formed ourselves based on lifetimes of decision making and experience. That's what gives us who we are when we're born. And what happens in this life will give us the next life's content.

I got a little preachy there though. I begin by analyzing myself but I end up analyzing the differences between myself and others. Back to me. If I took the opportunities to grow, I no longer needed these people. Truthfully, that would actually stop my growth. You learn what you can from one person or experience but you have to get out there because not everything can be learned from one single of Life's combinations.

I think I probably asked, subconsciously or spiritually I guess you could say, for more. For bigger challenges. And as I was trying to explain in the beginning of my self-discovery, people who are on the same level as me. Trying to add someone into my life who only hinders it is pointless. We hinder our own lives enough. And I work to solve the conflicts that I've created for myself. And when I do, I don't deserve to be stuck at a lifestyle or level of daily consciousness that is beneath me. And the guys who don't learn from their opportunities, hold me back.

I want to integrate someone into my life. I want them to be woven into my life meaningfully. Maybe I'll never get it. And that torments me because it makes me feel inevitably lonely. But the truth is, I'm better off integrating and weaving someone into my life who can benefit me when I deserve it instead of hold me back and hinder me when I don't deserve it.

And I know that no matter how much I loved Mike, Dan or John... all of them would or did hold me back. I sacrificed some of the reality of who I am, when I tried to fit in with their realities. I think that we should neither be selfish nor selfless. Maybe I needed to learn selflessness, to the extent that I broke my selfish habits. I still have selfishness that needs to conquered, in fact. But I don't think that selflessness is any more th answer than selfishness. I think that we deserve to be our own priority. But we need to understand who we are before we grant ourselves priority.

I guess I'm trying to say that our weaknesses, our ego, our defected willpower, will abuse the priority of self. That's when we become selfish. Our strengths deserve to be priority. We deserve to respect ourselves, love ourselves and ultimately value ourselves more than anybody else. Some people call me self-obsessed but there's no way that I can look outward from myself and live blindly to what's inside myself. And the funny thing is, no one else can. No one else can see except for what you express. And even then, it can be easily misleading. We are the only ones that can truly have the power to understand ourselves and we can't be expected to always see the world around us and never get a glimpse in the mirror.

But like I said, our defective willpower that prompts our fears, pride and weaknesses, in short, our Ego, to be more important than the valuable things in this world - call for selfishness which I don't agree with.

I really dislike when people around me always compare priority. The type of people who say that we should ignore our trials and tribulations because there are people starving in Africa. I think, what makes the people in Africa so important except for their tragedy? We feel empathy for tragedy. We feel sorry for people when they have tragedy placed upon them. And the most tragic get the most sympathy, at least from people who aren't heartless or completely selfish. But there's something I don't agree with in that perception. I don't agree with tragedy being a priority.

But I guess I won't get on that topic.

I feel kind of relaxed and at peace now that I've written this entry. I was a bit in shock when I began the entry. And now I just feel like talking to John. Because when I'm at peace with myself all I can think is how much I want to make peace with the people around me. But the truth is, when it comes to any sort of relationship, there are always two willpowers involved. True, there can be recessive and dominant Wills but there will always be two major variables in the equation and you can only count on your own variable. Sure, I could be manipulative and controlling and try to force the other variable to become what I want it to be. But I'm not the type of person who wants to do that anymore...

So even if I'm willing to make peace with John. I have to admit to myself that what variable he will bring to the situation is based on so much more than I can comprehend or change. I say that I first want to make peace with myself before I can make peace with others. So, too, does he need to make peace with himself before he can make peace with me. And considering the last thing he said to me was something about suicide, I'm getting the impression that he is troubled about himself. He thinks it's his life that he has trouble with.

He said that he was losing everything that meant anything to him. And I told him, but he sort of spoke over my words and kept on going... that he would always have himself. No matter who he lost or what he lost, he would always have himself. And that should but obviously doesn't bring value to his life. He values his mom who is dead and maybe Lyla who he doesn't want to lose or whatever, but he doesn't value himself.

That's why I can get over him so easily, in fact. Because I know that when I've lost the people around me, which is unfortunate, troubling and sad, but understandable because we know that we can't always control the second variable and they can't always control their second variable, which is us... when I've lost the people around me, I still have myself. I still have the variable that I can be in touch with. The must thorough and satisfying experience I can have in life is within myself. So no matter what changes externally, I still have the most valuable thing.

P.S. This is kind of still with my Electrifying account. So it's like attached to the other blog. I took it off my profile so I hope it can't be found from exploring my other blog... cause that would defeat the purpose, really.