Ugh, I'm never going to be able to have satisfying sex with someone. I'm too particular and guys are too fucking useless. In fact, the whole concept of giving the reins over to someone else to drive you to pleasure is stupid. When I masturbate, I know exactly where, how, why and in what quantity I want my pleasure to be given. If I had someone there, none of that would be fulfilled unless we were playing bdsm games and he was my slave in which I dictated to. But that wouldn't turn me on.

I kind of thought, well, maybe it would be interesting to give my body over to someone to experiment with, as they please. It wouldn't be as specific as masturbation but it would still be sexy and pleasurable, right? No. Cause it turns out, guys aren't as inventive as I would hope. My scope is limited, naturally. But let me rant anyway.

No. Often, guys have too little desire and too many straightforward goals. Like, cumming, which takes very little time. And making me cum, which is very specific and as I said before, takes a lot of dictating so LEAVE MY CLIT THE FUCK ALONE AND FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO DO WITH MY BODY, please.

It's so not an art for them. They have no concept of desire and passion. It's so boring.

You know what I liked about John, not to say that he is any less of a dope than all the other guys, but I was on my period so he had to resort to other things. I liked his weight, cause he's much heavier than Mike and when he laid on top of me he put a lot of pressure on so many areas of my body. It was so yummy. I have stimulants everywhere. All over. And they like to be activated.

Whenever I had sex with Mike and he was on top, none of his body would be touching me except his dick. He'd be propped up on his arms and his legs would be between mine, not touching, although that was my mistake. And I hated it. My entire body felt so empty of stimulation. And there were so many other things wrong with the experience. It was useless.

I mean the little things that make me feel so yummy are, having someone pull my shirt up over my head. So sexy. Probably because it's the act of removing the barrier between them and my chest. And it turns me on when people actually Want to remove the barrier between them and my chest, that's why I like it when they do it. And I like it when their hands push open my thighs. mmm. And I like to hear breath next to my hear. Hearing sexy, heavy breathing makes me breathe heavy in automatic reaction.

In fact, even though when I first began being interested in sex, I went straight for the porn... and exposed myself to hardcore sex. After that, I found that it was the little things that were reminders of the hardcore sex, that could stimulate you at any point in time.

You know how in sex scenes in movies, they want to have an erotic sex scene but they don't want, or maybe it's that they can't be porn. So they make it all sexy with clips of body parts interacting. Like a hand traveling up a torso or whatever. And each act is just oozing with desire. That's what it's about. You can't see them have sex, that's not allowed. So you have to see their desire enough to get the point across.

And those scenes drive me nuts, in a good way. And consequently I've been completely programmed to be stimulated by the little acts that express desire. That thick, erotic feeling that possesses you. That's what being turned on for me is.

And yeah, so I'm just another person who prefers the chase, instead of puts stock in the goal. That's what life is about.

I was watching Dawson's Creek the other day, and when Dawson's mom cheats on his husband and tells him why she says that she had the perfect life, the perfect job, the perfect husband, the perfect family... she had nothing more to want. She had everything she originally wanted and now she was supposed to be satisfied. But she missed wanting something. The act of desiring something is a huge part of life. It's motivation. And she said she merely wanted to want again. That's why she cheated.

I'm like her when it comes to sex. I want to want sex. I don't want to have sex. I want to want it. And I want it SO FREAKIN bad. So often. So hard. So long. And I have no idea how much I would really enjoy sex because I've never had it and enjoyed it. Except once. lol. I really want it, but I don't know if, if I got it, I would be satisfied. I have no idea.

All I know is, it turns me on how much guys want sex and how much they want my body, but whenever I give it to them, the things they end up doing are empty of desire. They're heading for the goal. Point blank. And it pisses me off. I honestly think that I could enjoy sex, intercourse specifically. But all those sensors that are turned on when I'm thinking about sex, have to be active when I'm having sex. Otherwise it's a huge disappointment. And I don't give a fuck about my God damn cunt. Cause that's all they aim for. And it's second rate because none of it is worth a damn if I'm not turned on.

Besides, I have this overstimulation problem. And I can't deal with it as best I can if the fucking moron won't listen to me. And it's evident he isn't listening to me or I wouldn't be getting fingered in the first place, I'm sure. Even though that seems very specific to John. I know that I wouldn't allow myself to be fingered until the time was right, a concept which boys don't seem to understand. Since the time fucking always seems to be right for them.

John did a lot of those stimulating little things. Especially when I was on my period and he had no choice. But when I was off my period it was evident that those stimulating little things overwhelmed him and, from my educated guess, needed to relieve the tension with sex. So he was persistent. And believe me, there isn't nothing sexier than desire that's persistent. And I would have loved to give him sex if he had such a strong desire for it... but he made two gigantic mistakes.

The first, is that he didn't listen to me within the moment. I don't give people what they want unless I want it to. Sorry that my body will never be a slave to your needs unless my body being a slave to your needs satisfies some of my needs too. And if being a slave to your needs directly opposes my needs, I won't allow it. For instance, I haven't been naked with someone in two years. I can't just walk into a room and strip and get to it. It makes me uncomfortable. I have to ease into being naked, being exposed. And John had this way of exposing my flaws in really uncomfortable ways. I can stand for my flaws to be noticed or seen by someone else but I have to ease into it. And he always ripped the floor out from under my feet. Instead of letting me walk down the stairs... if you get my analogy.

And that plus the second reason, is why I didn't want John to finger me, had he taken the time to ask. The second reason is that he wasn't my boyfriend and he wasn't giving me any evidence that he planned to be my boyfriend. Just the opposite. He'd come to my house, stick his hand down my pants - directly defying my first rule which is to listen to me in the moment, go home to Lyla and not talk to me for a week. And then he'd decide he liked me again and we'd work towards him coming back to my house, the same thing would happen, he'd defy my first rule and then go home and defy my second rule. And the same thing happened again.

He keeps making me a one night stand. You know when you have a relationship and you have sex and then the next time you clarify things and then the next time you ask them to do something specific and etc... I new that I didn't have that with John. That we had one shot to get it right and if we didn't, there would be no point in communicating the "next time" because it wasn't going to happen. Even though it happened three times, he would stop being my friend after he'd go home so we had to start from zero each time.

You know when you're hanging out with someone and you want to kiss them but you don't know if they want it? We did that each time. When you're dating and you come in and give your boyfriend a kiss, that's what we should have had. We should have had that comfortability, knowing that we'd already made the first move and we both wanted it. But we didn't.

You get the point. Things could have worked out between us in the smaller sense if things had worked out between us in the larger sense. It's like, all the problems that would eventually need to be worked out if we got together, were left alone, by me, because every time we got close, John would push me away and act like we could never be together. And then he'd bring me closer until I was just close enough to expect something from him other than sex and then he'd push me away again.

He says it's because he's afraid of change, which makes sense because he was forced to go through some huge changes with his parents dying. But fuck it. It's not worth analyzing. He doesn't want to be with me and I won't disagree anymore. And every time he says he does, which he might very well do again in the future, I'm going to try my hardest to tell him to go away cause I too easily fall for it.

I really want a backup though. I want a boyfriend or at least a crush so that if John ever does come back I can tell him I like someone else. I can have an excuse not to get involved with him. Cause all the other excuses aren't reason enough. My loyalty is the number one excuse.

Except I have no one to be loyal too. And maybe that's why I can latch on to John so quickly. I really want someone to be loyal to. And I'll take the first nit wit, who satisfied me slightly, to come along.