I really can't stand to eat but I don't want to die so I'm trying to ignore my eating disorder.

Have you ever sat there thinking intensely and then suddenly wondered what you had looked like that whole time you were thinking things over? If someone else had been in the room with me, I periodically would question what I looked like as I expressed my emotions on my face.

Usually when I'm alone I have less to dwell on, since there's no one to see the face, not even me, most of the time. But I was sitting there thinking and I suddenly felt vulnerable. And stupid looking. And wondered how I looked as my thoughts changed in tone and subject. I pretty much can imagine what it looked like as it scrunched up when I cried. :)

See, I was trying to make my emotions remote and distant, in the beginning of the last entry. I was trying to be cold and numb. And then I warmed myself up, relaxed myself by the end of the entry. And then I wasn't as afraid of the pain as I've always been. So then, naturally, I let myself feel it.

Truth be told, emotions aren't that scary. You feel them sweeping over you and you run, at least I do, as fast as I fucking can. That's my impulse. But when facing them, they aren't as powerful as I thought they'd be, I guess.

Still, I'm horrified at the dwelling thoughts that keep creeping in. I wish not to run it over in my head repeatedly. But I feel like I can't run away either. I can't lose myself in my TV shows or my puzzles. It would be wrong to even run to James, even though I so badly want him here so I can ask him to cuddle with me. :(

I guess I just have to face the pain and see where it leads me.

lol. You know how I say that I get with people who I can't be with because I'm desperate to keep distance between me and them? *short version right there* Well it's sort of the same theme in that when I don't acknowledge the pain, I bottle it up and ignore it, so that I can't lose it.

See if I acknowledge the pain, I release it. I let it go. And then I can actually move on. To a certain degree, I've been too attached to all of these guys to face the pain and let go because I was just secretly hoping that it would work in my favor in the future and then my feelings for them would be wanted. So if I could just put them on hold for a while, make them dormant until things worked out, and then they could come forward again.

Is that the same theme? Well it feels like it in my head.

In any case, that's one of the reasons why I didn't want to let Dan go. Not because I couldn't but because to get over him was to say that there was never going to be an us in the future. I could put my emotions aside for a mount of time, but I was too sentimentally attached to actually let them go. That made a statement that I wasn't willing to face.

But I guess my mom telling me, from a particular authority, that Dan and I were never meant to be, added to the time away from him and the newfound feelings for John, kind of gave me enough motivation to release my attachment to him.

And enough common sense, although it took me a long time to gather it all, led me to realize that Mike was so much of a dumbass that he wasn't worth wanting. He can't ever give me what we had anyway. And his current lifestyle sounds a bit iffy. I don't really want to be part of that.

So... John... how can I convince myself to let go of the attachment, to the sentimentality of our attraction? I keep thinking, what if? Sure, I can accept that we're not together now, but can I really let go of any possible future? Can I really say, yeah, I don't ever want to be with him. I could easily convince myself that I don't want to be with him now. But it's so easy to bottle up the feelings and save them for the future. It gives me hope.

It's not that traumatic to lose people. But it's terrifying to lose hope. It's depressing to lose hope. Putting my feelings away to hibernate for the winter leaves room for hope. And that is my best coping skill for heartbreak. Hope.

But I know now that John won't leave me for Lyla. My only hope is if they break up. And who can say that by that time it'll be appropriate for us to date?

I suddenly can't think. This has made me very tired.

I'm avoiding putting on CSI because it's just the most disgusting, twisted show I've ever seen. I hate it. But I keep watching it and I'm just polluting my mind with all these twisted plots and disgusting scenes. It's horrible.