Aww man! James has a girlfriend. I don't know if it's Liz or Accalia. I'm going to be jealous if it's Accalia but not if it's Liz. He's been dating her for like a week and a half or something and he didn't even tell me. Him and Andrew came over last night and Andrew finally said it. And I got mad and glared at James the rest of the night. He knew I was mad at the girlfriend thing. Which probably makes it look like I'm mad cause I was hoping we would go out. But that's not really true.

Since I could let the romantic stuff with John go... I still had to deal with the sexual stuff, since we had some pretty good times. And James is sexy so lusting after him helped me ignore John, who isn't as sexy. And when we're being completely shallow here, it's almost easier to lust after James, which is exactly what I prefer. I've just kind of wanted some physical contact. Cuddling and stuff. And obviously that can't happen now.

Plus, whatever James and I had, whatever friendship and simple flirtation we had, will no doubt affected by his girlfriend. That's just a given. Things change when things change. But after James spent some time at my house I felt a little better that things weren't totally different. Except I've now become the abusive type of person who beats on the guy who will take it. I hit him a lot. Whenever I felt like it. That and tickling will probably be the only two ways I'll ever get to have physical contact with him now.

I did cry, but not because of James specifically. I think I have a lot of emotional buildup from John and I may be suppressing it. Because when John was here I couldn't stop crying before any of the bullshit even happened. I don't know what it is exactly. I just know that when I cry, a lot of pure emotions back it up. Like I'm not sad over anything specific, I just feel a lot of emotional burden. And then after James's girlfriend, I snuggled into my blanket with Panda and I couldn't stop feeling sad until I'd let a couple tears slide down my face.

Ahh fuck. I think what really bothers me is that James has been so emotionally unavailable since he's been tied to Liz for like five years, but hasn't been dating her for the past two years. And I don't know if that's who he's dating now but I could not have any hopes for him because of his emotional unavailability... and hearing things about him sleeping with Liz and having girlfriends sort of makes him seem normal. Available. And that makes me want him more. But to no avail.

I don't know.

Just another disappointment that I'm bothered by. I'll get over it, I always do.