I don't miss John. He's disposable because he was so much trouble and because the summer was lonely but these days I have so much being processed in my mind that I don't have endless hours to sit around thinking of what could be and feeling sorry for myself. But even now, when I think of kissing him I don't feel any remorse or sadness. I feel like if we had gotten together I would have formed the wrong kind of love for him. Sort of the kind of love that I had for Mike. To sum it up, it's kind of a motherly love. Because essentially, I don't respect him for his attitude and some of the ways he treated me, but I could still love him the way a mother can still love a child regardless of who they become.

And it sort of feels like a lie, to me. It's sort of saying, I'll do anything to be in love, even ignore the bullshit that I wouldn't normally put up with. People do that so often at the beginning of relationships. And too much of John's personality, not to badmouth him, but to state my own preference, is not up to par with my standards. I honestly just don't admire very much about his character and since I admire so much of my own character, and I'm not a snob, I like people around me to be fantastic people so that we're equals. I would have had to lower my standards to be with him.

He just has a very troubled and difficult personality. I was willing to give it a try but now I realize that it was so troubled and so difficult that it kept us from being together in the first place. I'm not even going to get the opportunity to deal with his difficulties because of his difficulties. So c'est la vie.

He reminds me too much of Jason anyway. I like him much more than Jason. Jason is a total scumbag. But, still, Jason was so controlling and difficult that you couldn't even be around him or talk to him. I'm trying to put this into words. It's like that scene from Jeeves and Wooster where Wooster is trying to please his prospective mother-in-law and father-in-law at dinner, and he sits them down in specific places and then changes his mind over and over again. He keeps putting them in a certain spot and then making them stand back up and move to another spot. He does it like five times, trying to find the perfect, proper seating arrangement. And finally the father-in-law says Mister Wooster, will you please just let us Sit Down so we can eat.

That's what its like. It's like the point is to eat, i.e. chat or hang out. It has pretty simple requirements. But all Jason and John can do is try to control the situation with words and arguments and manipulation to get the perfect arrangement or something that soothes their crazy psychology. And all you do is run around going from seat to seat trying to cater to them up to the point where they'll finally be satisfied and you can actually eat or talk or date them. But they never get there. You never get past it. All you do is run around playing their games over and over again. And you're just waiting for the time when you can sit down and relax with them and be at a standstill.

When I was with Jason, I was never with him, because there was always some goal that I had to jump through hoops to attain. He was never satisfied with whatever situation or whatever status we had. And I did jump through hoops cause it wasn't a big deal but I did it in the hopes that if I gave him what he wanted, he would settle. He would get to the point. But it never happened.

And John was a little less intense and psychotic but I get the impression that it's the same thing for him. And it's probably his attempts to make everything a problem, for whatever reason connected to the fact that he thinks life gives him so many problems in the first place. He's just impatient and anxious about life. Nothing is ever settled.

The funny thing is, for six months while Dan and I were together, we weren't dating but I don't think that either of us were impatient or anxious to be together. Like, we accepted every day for the status it gave us. We wanted to date but we weren't waiting for it. Whether you want to call me his mistress and accuse him of emotionally cheating on his girlfriend, I think we lived each day for what it was worth instead of trying to gain something for the future.

From the near beginning we were settled. And maybe that's why nothing ever got anywhere. And maybe that's why I kept trying to break it off. But I would have wasted six months living for tomorrow with Jason or John, and I didn't waste any time with Dan because we loved each other in each moment, instead of putting off our love until the right time. Even if it never got anywhere, I didn't waste any time waiting for it to get anywhere. I kind of just accepted what each day brought me - even though it wasn't up to par with the full standard and I did hope that it would progress into a better situation.

When John was here and we were arguing because he was trying to make a problem out of a situation whose resolution seemed so simple in my head... he, always, and again this time, mentioned how badly Mike had treated me and I told him flat out that Mike had treated me a hundred times better than John had ever treated me. And it's true. Mike's not the most brilliant individual. He's pretty boring and stupid and etc. And he did treat me extremely unwell after we broke up, but whose ex doesn't? Yet, while we were dating, aside from his usual immaturity and prideful challenges, he treated me really well. He wasn't perfect but I never felt abused or taken advantage of.

Most people would say that I abused and took advantage of him but I'll only agree to the latter. As his mother lol, I was tough on his weaknesses and his ego but only that. I never did anything but love him, scold him when the time was right, and take advantage of him because I'm a little bit spoiled and controlling and he's a weakling.

The truth is, I would be dating John right now if he had allowed it. And I would be doing my best to make it work. But even though I adore kissing him and melting into his body, his body is the only thing I miss. His emotions for me seem like a complete lie because when it came time for his feelings to come into play it turned out he was all talk and no action. And like I said, all he gave me was trouble and attitude and etc. It's like, the truth is, he hasn't given me anything to miss... besides his body. And so I don't miss anything besides his body. Which I don't even miss emotionally because I don't feel connected to him emotionally since I feel like his emotions are a lie. And no matter how strong lust is, it doesn't gain excess to the kind of sadness or regret that heartbreak entails.

That's the thing. There isn't anything I regret not having. He's disposable. Not worthless in general but disposable to my life. And that's what I'm afraid of. He probably would have still been disposable had we been dating by this point but I would have loved him anyway. And I don't want to have to rely on love. You know what I mean? Love is blind. I don't want to be with someone merely for love. That's what I did with Mike. I adored him as a whole but I didn't admire him, his personality or his choices. Although at that point I was a different person who was only beginning to know myself, so my standards were lower and thus, he was closer to my standards than he would be now.

But in any case, I could have loved John, but it's almost like I would have been dependent on my love for him. Almost as if I couldn't have liked him. Not that I dislike him, to be sure. I don't dislike him. It's all just not the way I want my next relationship to happen.

I didn't merely love Dan. I didn't like Dan's lifestyle choices. But his personality was completely, positively delightful. And there was a particular focus that could be understood or reached by both of us simultaneously. In cases like John and Jason, they're too absorbed in their own chaos to focus on anything with you. You can tell that when you're trying to get to the heart of something it goes right over their heads, in most cases. And I felt, a lot, that even if Dan didn't understand, relate, or agree with everything I said, he had the type of personality that could - I can't explain it any other way - focus.

And with very little limits. I've never, honestly, been able to talk about my mom and what she does with any of my friends. My mom did some healing work on Daniela and, of course, Erin was directly involved in my mom's spirituality but I've never been able to even imagine that any of my friends would and could understand the stuff that she and I am involved with.

And it's not just Dan's age, although that surely influences his personality, it's his mindset. It's nice to get to the heart of things and to be able to focus on the heart of things simultaneously with someone else. Sometimes I feel so alone inside my head. I'm so in-depth and so analytical and intense and I can imagine very few people truly understanding the level that I'm at. But Dan participated, is the best way to put it. And consequently could see, simply see, a part of me that very few people recognize.

So, for the record, when all the people around me are bitching about age differences and rap sheets and fiances and kids.... all I'm thinking is, you don't understand what Dan means to me. Or these days what he meant to me. It's as simple as that.

I guess other people imagine that what I wanted in lifestyle and relationship could not be met by Dan. And logically so. But I wasn't in it for those reasons, at least not at top priority. And as far as I'm concerned, where there's a will there's a way. All the things that they talked about were not facts for the future they were facts of the present. Which means that the only thing truly in question was Dan's will, because that is what makes the future that needs to coincide with my own plans.

but, that's not an issue anymore. I planned to talk about my first week back at college, in this entry... but the truth is, I experienced the college stuff at surface level and when I open the entry it's almost too monotonous to replay the stuff over again. It's only with the intention of pleasing someone with my words, that I can really make the effort.

And meanwhile all these thoughts about John and etc, they're sitting in the back of my mind while I'm experiencing other things. So when I open up the box to do my entry, these things can't wait to surface and this is where it happens. So the redundant things never come up. So maybe tomorrow I'll write the entry cause I don't have classes and Isis won't be here. James might drop by though. :) I wish I wasn't on my period...