My heart aches in this sad, still way. Like, I knew that disappointment was inevitable so I didn't get my hopes up enough for it to really hurt this time. It's crushing.

And you know what's the most crushing part about it? Now I have to get over him. And it might not be difficult. But getting over him is like saying that he meant nothing to me. I wanted the opportunity to be close to someone again. To care for them, to want to be with them, to devote myself to someone. To be received by someone.

And now that I'm not received, I have no choice but to move on. I'm not going to sit here with a heartbreak. But moving on is to say that he didn't really mean a lot to me. He's easily forgotten. That's what makes it sad. If I get over him it's like saying I didn't love him enough in the first place. And if I can't get over him than I'm stuck with the pain.

But I can get over him. I honestly want to be with him and kissing him and being in his arms feels amazing. But he's made his decision, he loves Lyla more than me.

It's like he keeps being with Lyla and telling himself that he wants to be with me but that I'm out of his league so it'll never happen. And then I go, but John, it can happen, I actually like you. And then he goes, but wait a minute, I want to be with Lyla. So then I go, okay, I'm gone. And then he goes, but I really miss you, except I've fucked up and you won't have me. And I remind him once again, actually John, I miss you too. So we Can be together. And he goes, but actually, I think I want to stay with Lyla.

And I move on. And then he goes, I was going to ask you out a couple days ago and I really love you but oh no, I fucked up, you'll never take me back. And I go, actually, I think I still want to be with you too. And then he goes, but wait, I love Lyla...

It's like he keeps trying to get me to fall in love with him and once I do, he rejects me. But I think that it's a little bit different. I think he never expected me to fall in love with him and that's why he kept pursuing me behind Lyla's back. It's like he asks me how I feel about him and expects me to reject him, but I don't. He thought I would never take it anywhere. And three times, I did.

The last time I got over him it went really well. I didn't cry. I didn't miss him. I was happy to hang out with James and get my car and move on with my life. And then he started telling me stuff about how he feels about me and misses me and the like. He asked me how I felt and I told him that my heart moved on and he wrote a journal entry saying blah blah blah, a bunch of sad stuff... and I was touched.

I guess you could say that my motivation to be with him was because he wanted to be with me. Not to say that I didn't want to be with him but I couldn't put myself on the line again, so, I put his feelings on the line, they were the ones that made me make my decision. And then I didn't tell him, I waited till he was here and we were kissing again. Which, aside from the fact that I was wrestling with him - which any girl knows is a turn on for a guy... he was the one who kissed me first. But when I kissed back he protested a small amount and I ignored it. And then I got upset. It was kind of weird because no thoughts entered my head, I just broke down and cried. Like the emotions weren't sending me verbal messages they were just hitting me in a devastating way. So I cried and I think he felt obligated to make my sadness go away so he said he would break up with Lyla.

And he tried but then she got sad and now he feels obligated to stay with her.
Plus, apparently, he loves her too much to let her go. It's funny that when I was over him he forgot all about how much he loves her too much to let her go and decided to give me the impression that he was willing to let her go for me. You kind of just wish he was smart enough to figure it out in the original context, instead of leading me on, to put it simply.

I'm not angry anymore, though. The way I was with Dan and him a few weeks ago. Angry at the injustice of their behavior towards me. And I'm trying not to be hurt that he cares for her more than me. Que sera sera.

It's out of my hands. And I'm not going to struggle with the truth. You know? If he loved me, I would take it. But he doesn't and I'm going to accept it.

You know, every time I get close to John I think about James. I think about how I have to stop flirting with him. And I don't want to, but I would expect it of myself. And then I lose John and I'm like Fucking WOOT, I'm free to flirt with James again. And James makes me happy. He doesn't love me. He doesn't kiss me. He's quite simple, actually. But he makes me happy. In an innocent manner. Almost like Isis.

He's such a good transitional guy. And it helps that he's hot and I like flirting with him.

Aw, he's moving back to his mom's in a couple months. :( I'm going to miss him. I'm sad now. This could make me cry more than John ditching me again. Cause I had higher hopes for James and I. It's like when Amelia told me that Isis was going to be gone for another two weeks. I felt my inexplicable happiness fading away.

John was more trouble than happiness. Sometimes love is about passion and intimacy, not sex, but emotional intensity and intimacy. It's more dramatic. I think we crave meaning in our life and love gives us a meaning that we hang on to.

But now that I've uncovered one of the mysteries that motivate us, or at least me, to love.. I can better accept the simplicity of happiness such as the like that James brings me.

Isis is alive. That's the best word to describe her. She's happy, animate, expressive, talkative... her body is alive. She reminds me of Curious George. Not to make her seem cute, that's not why I compare her to him. But because George is very expressive and yet, he can't express himself with language. He expresses himself with facial expressions and tones and some oohing and aahing and stuff like that. He's interactive even though he can't interact with language. Isis is the same. Her body is alive with all the expressions that communicate with us. It's amazing.

I saw some squishy little babies today at the mall. HA. I never want a squishy little baby. I want them when they come alive.

So I had to get a new blog because John has my old one and if I make it private then other people can't read it. And I need an audience. He was breaking up with her and I left my room and when I came back he sent me messages saying that he couldn't do it. So I didn't respond because it wasn't immediate, if you know what I mean. And then I figured that that was the best way to handle it.

To be gone. No forgiveness expressed, no hate or disappointment expressed. No blocking him. No taking him off my myspace. Nothing. Not a word. I don't want him to know my reaction this time. I don't want him to have the luxury. I want him to wonder. To have me there, tell me he doesn't want me anymore, and to have that given to him. He said we can't hang out anymore, for obvious reasons. And every time we talk he's telling me some mumbo jumbo about how he likes me but that's as I said, mumbo jumbo. So there's really nothing more to say.

I don't want him to know about my life anymore. I don't him to read the journal entry I would write after hearing his words. He doesn't deserve my contact. He doesn't deserve my pain or my happiness. I can't see a point in expressing either, except maybe for closure and he's just not going to get any this time. He's said exactly what he needs to say to close the subject for me. So this time, I won't back out. Often when I want to give people the silent treatment I find that I, myself, need to hear their words so much so that I have to break my silence. But this time he's given me what I need to move on. And I'm not giving it to him.

So I'm going to disappear. I haven't decided if I'm going to leave all the entries up in my old blog or if I'm going to take them all down. It's like, is it more of a wonder when you abruptly leave your house with all your memories left inside it, or when you leave your house and take everything that represents you with you...? I'm just not sure. But I usually move the entries anyway. So, I think I should. Eventually.

Oddly enough, I think he's way ahead of me. I think he already deleted his own blog. He's compulsive, like me. And it wouldn't surprise me if he blocked me or took me off his myspace list. But sometimes I feel that when you detach yourself from someone it leaves you wondering. And wondering it more difficult to conquer than pain. I'd rather know and be hurt than not know and wonder.

Wow, I was right. Him and Lyla took me off their myspace lists. Shit. I wanted Lyla off though. I was thinking of taking her off mine. I didn't expect her to take me off hers first. Well, whatever helps him take me off his mind... I guess. Even though I'd prefer not to give him that satisfaction. I want to be there, reminding him of myself. And I'm crushed that he can remove me from his life so instantaneously... but since I had already removed him from my life instantaneously, I guess it's fair.

We're too much alike. I kept thinking that if we went out it would drive us both nuts having a taste of our own medicine every day.

I wonder if now I needed to create a new journal. He surely won't read it anymore.

I can't afford to let this hurt me.

Lucky for moi, I have classes tomorrow. So I have immediate things to move on to. Hopefully other boys to throw my charm at. Maybe if I'm lucky there will be some females to flirt with. :)

I don't know. I'm not really eager for anybody. I don't want to get excited. Because the last person who excited me didn't follow through. None of them have. I don't mean to sound the perfect cynic, but maybe I don't have anything to be excited for. It's not up to me because I need the right combination to come forth. I'm picky, okay. I can only wait and see what life brings me. And there just aren't any guarantees that life will bring me anyone for me to get close to. I've just seen how easy it is for life to place me in a crowd of people with not a lick of meaningful interaction. And I've also seen myself bond so beautifully with people who just aren't meant to be permanent and active in my life.

It's like, the destiny, that's what's missing. There are people who like me. There are people who I like. And there are also people who like me who I like. There are opportunities to make it happen and even the wills to make it happen. But it doesn't end up happening. There's like a missing element.

And that's where destiny comes in. I tried so hard to work with what I had. It's like, I didn't want to make any mistakes. I didn't want to leave any stone unturned. I wanted to make a thorough effort. I wanted to prove that I deserved someone and prove that I was capable of making the right, healthy decisions.

Look at it optimistically, perhaps I did prove just that. I proved that I deserve someone who can give me what I can give him. And Dan couldn't. And John couldn't. And Mike couldn't. And maybe the others couldn't. Maybe I keep being given opportunities to prove my worth and I take them, so I can move on to the next level. You know?

You draw to you not rewards, per se. Life isn't about the good things that can happen. It's about the trials that challenge you to grow and learn. And when you can't, you are given the opportunity over and over again, to learn. And the more you don't, the worse it gets. Your weaknesses make you unhappy, they create conflict and torment in your life. And it's just repeated again and again. If I had failed my tests, I may have been given the opportunity to stay with these guys - which is what I wanted, but who ultimately wouldn't have pleased me as much as my heart tells me they would.

Maybe I deserve better. I don't mean to sound snide. But I am being honest. I try. I try to grow and learn. I try to understand. I don't try to get what I want. I don't have a goal to get the happy ending. I have the goal, to learn all that I can so that I have the willpower to make the happy ending. So I take the situations that are brought to me and I try to understand them. I try to understand the themes and the conflicts and the positive things that I react to. I try to understand what they mean to me and why they prompt me to be happy or unhappy or express myself in a particular way.

I think that the guys who didn't give me a solid relationship, who didn't work out, challenged some of the conflicts inside of myself. I wouldn't take it back because who would I be if I hadn't grown this way. I would be, like, stunted. And maybe the sad truth is, they weren't given to me for love or romance or sex or happiness. They weren't given to me for solid companionship or reliability or trust. They were given to me to help me face my weaknesses. And perhaps I to them.

But I find that many people around me do not learn as adeptly as I do. They try to go against the currents that they themselves have created. They always say that they're working against life or other people but they're not. They're working against themselves because they have a divided will. To me, situations are opportunities to pick up the pieces of my divided will. Too much is hidden and you can't put a bandaid on the wound that you aren't aware of. And yet, it can still get infected regardless of how much you know of its existence. The situations bring forth my reactions. And my reactions are expressions of my depths. And I can learn from seeing myself expressed from different stimulants. And then I learn and understand the Will that is underneath the surface, but still active. And I can mend the divisions of Will that give me pretty much all of the battles that I'm faced with on Earth.

We're ruled by a combination of strengths and weaknesses. And they don't have to be. We aren't created to life an evolving life as the same person. We're supposed to travel. Our personality, our wants, our needs, our weaknesses, our fears... and even our strengths aren't supposed to be what they always have been. Truth be told, if you believe in reincarnation, it isn't really logical to suggest that we were born the way we were and we can do nothing about it. Because we have formed ourselves based on lifetimes of decision making and experience. That's what gives us who we are when we're born. And what happens in this life will give us the next life's content.

I got a little preachy there though. I begin by analyzing myself but I end up analyzing the differences between myself and others. Back to me. If I took the opportunities to grow, I no longer needed these people. Truthfully, that would actually stop my growth. You learn what you can from one person or experience but you have to get out there because not everything can be learned from one single of Life's combinations.

I think I probably asked, subconsciously or spiritually I guess you could say, for more. For bigger challenges. And as I was trying to explain in the beginning of my self-discovery, people who are on the same level as me. Trying to add someone into my life who only hinders it is pointless. We hinder our own lives enough. And I work to solve the conflicts that I've created for myself. And when I do, I don't deserve to be stuck at a lifestyle or level of daily consciousness that is beneath me. And the guys who don't learn from their opportunities, hold me back.

I want to integrate someone into my life. I want them to be woven into my life meaningfully. Maybe I'll never get it. And that torments me because it makes me feel inevitably lonely. But the truth is, I'm better off integrating and weaving someone into my life who can benefit me when I deserve it instead of hold me back and hinder me when I don't deserve it.

And I know that no matter how much I loved Mike, Dan or John... all of them would or did hold me back. I sacrificed some of the reality of who I am, when I tried to fit in with their realities. I think that we should neither be selfish nor selfless. Maybe I needed to learn selflessness, to the extent that I broke my selfish habits. I still have selfishness that needs to conquered, in fact. But I don't think that selflessness is any more th answer than selfishness. I think that we deserve to be our own priority. But we need to understand who we are before we grant ourselves priority.

I guess I'm trying to say that our weaknesses, our ego, our defected willpower, will abuse the priority of self. That's when we become selfish. Our strengths deserve to be priority. We deserve to respect ourselves, love ourselves and ultimately value ourselves more than anybody else. Some people call me self-obsessed but there's no way that I can look outward from myself and live blindly to what's inside myself. And the funny thing is, no one else can. No one else can see except for what you express. And even then, it can be easily misleading. We are the only ones that can truly have the power to understand ourselves and we can't be expected to always see the world around us and never get a glimpse in the mirror.

But like I said, our defective willpower that prompts our fears, pride and weaknesses, in short, our Ego, to be more important than the valuable things in this world - call for selfishness which I don't agree with.

I really dislike when people around me always compare priority. The type of people who say that we should ignore our trials and tribulations because there are people starving in Africa. I think, what makes the people in Africa so important except for their tragedy? We feel empathy for tragedy. We feel sorry for people when they have tragedy placed upon them. And the most tragic get the most sympathy, at least from people who aren't heartless or completely selfish. But there's something I don't agree with in that perception. I don't agree with tragedy being a priority.

But I guess I won't get on that topic.

I feel kind of relaxed and at peace now that I've written this entry. I was a bit in shock when I began the entry. And now I just feel like talking to John. Because when I'm at peace with myself all I can think is how much I want to make peace with the people around me. But the truth is, when it comes to any sort of relationship, there are always two willpowers involved. True, there can be recessive and dominant Wills but there will always be two major variables in the equation and you can only count on your own variable. Sure, I could be manipulative and controlling and try to force the other variable to become what I want it to be. But I'm not the type of person who wants to do that anymore...

So even if I'm willing to make peace with John. I have to admit to myself that what variable he will bring to the situation is based on so much more than I can comprehend or change. I say that I first want to make peace with myself before I can make peace with others. So, too, does he need to make peace with himself before he can make peace with me. And considering the last thing he said to me was something about suicide, I'm getting the impression that he is troubled about himself. He thinks it's his life that he has trouble with.

He said that he was losing everything that meant anything to him. And I told him, but he sort of spoke over my words and kept on going... that he would always have himself. No matter who he lost or what he lost, he would always have himself. And that should but obviously doesn't bring value to his life. He values his mom who is dead and maybe Lyla who he doesn't want to lose or whatever, but he doesn't value himself.

That's why I can get over him so easily, in fact. Because I know that when I've lost the people around me, which is unfortunate, troubling and sad, but understandable because we know that we can't always control the second variable and they can't always control their second variable, which is us... when I've lost the people around me, I still have myself. I still have the variable that I can be in touch with. The must thorough and satisfying experience I can have in life is within myself. So no matter what changes externally, I still have the most valuable thing.

P.S. This is kind of still with my Electrifying account. So it's like attached to the other blog. I took it off my profile so I hope it can't be found from exploring my other blog... cause that would defeat the purpose, really.