Every time I break it off with someone I want to change everything in my life. Primarily, because it's public, my myspace profile. Sometimes I want to change my hair color. I think half of it is because I want to get a new image because the image I had failed and I want to prove that I can transcend my image's flaws, even though I don't always know why someone doesn't want to be with me. And sometimes I also want to prove that life goes on. Right now I feel like transforming my myspace. And the last time I did it was right after I stopped being friends with John for the second time. Cause I want to make a somewhat public statement that life goes on.

I had a lot of emotional turmoil felt in my stomach every time I'd see or hear about Mike and his friends after we broke up because it hurt every time I realized that life had gone on for him and them. Maybe, in some ways, I hadn't let go of the situations between me and his friends so every time I saw them I was reminded of the conflicts between us. But also that their lives didn't have evidence of me in it. Like I can hear my thoughts but I can't hear theirs so from all appearances, they've moved on. And I guess I wanted them to be just as bothered with me as I was with them. Which, I'm sure they were. But I still had a mixture of nervousness and envy every time I was around them or heard about them.

I think that's why I liked having Mike in my Biology class and my lunch period. Because he could talk about going off with his friends or whatnot but mostly it was about the here and now while we were there. I was still part of his existence, even if I was an enemy. I guess I have a lot of spite in me. I hate not being relevant to people that I was once relevant for. Well, actually I hate not being relevant at all. That's why I enjoy going to school because every time someone looks at me it makes me feel relevant. But it doesn't bother me when they ignore me whereas when I was once relevant to someone and suddenly I'm abandoned, it gives me emotional discharge.

I've never had a problem being an enemy to someone. I don't get affected by fights as much as some. It hurt more to have distance between me and Mike&hisfriends than to be fighting with them.

So that's obviously why I feel like it's punishment for other people when I prove that life goes on. Who knows how many people are like me. Who cares. I have all these weird coping skills and strategic war plans when it comes to people. Like I don't see friendships the same way as I think other people do. I don't trust people in the way that you often do when you get close to someone. You trust that they like you.

And I don't trust that people like me. So when people say that they don't. I accept it readily. And then I create my defense strategies. Actually, less defense and more offense. Well a mixture of both, I guess. I think my strategies have the intent to protect my pride and punish their pride. I'm a great fighter. A devoted lover but naturally I don't really bond with people. It's like I'm not friendly. I'm nice but not friendly. I don't know how to bond with the human nature of someone. Like when you meet a stranger and you know nothing about them but you smile and make jokes or small talk automatically. You relate to their most basic human nature, so that you can still be kind and friendly to someone you really know nothing about.

I'm just not like that.

I like to be close to people. I'm just very particular about my options. There are so many people that I don't deem worthy. Well sometimes it's not necessarily an offense to them. Sometimes it's just a lack of interest.

So I was going to talk about my evening but I'm too sleepy now. I want to concentrate on James. :)