Sunday, January 20, 2008
THE jerk took me off his friends list. For whatever reason. A reason I'm unaware of because we were just chatting on aim last night. I guess HUMPHSNORT (those are my sound effects) that he was offended at our last argument and took me off. Which is SO like him and so like me. It's bad enough to have my bad behavior flaunted at me, but to have to suffer by just the same behavior from him? Ugh.
That was beautiful.. I don't want to do anything else because I don't want to lose the story. I feel like reading it all over again. I didn't feel for part two so perhaps I'll leave that out. lol.
No, I wouldn't read it all over agian. I think I'll just read another of the same author.
Now that I've written it down I can relax and move on. It's like I've written a post it to myself saying, Don't Forget!
I love releasing my emotions.
They're still there though, just not as urgent.
My tooth aches. When I floss it feels like I'm pulling out my teeth. I only floss when I have something stuck in my teeth though.
I think I'll sleep. I still feel a touch of sadness, loss, now that the story is over. Because even though it had a touching, happy ending, I've lost the character. You know? She doesn't exist anymore, unless I begin again.
No, I wouldn't read it all over agian. I think I'll just read another of the same author.
Now that I've written it down I can relax and move on. It's like I've written a post it to myself saying, Don't Forget!
I love releasing my emotions.
They're still there though, just not as urgent.
My tooth aches. When I floss it feels like I'm pulling out my teeth. I only floss when I have something stuck in my teeth though.
I think I'll sleep. I still feel a touch of sadness, loss, now that the story is over. Because even though it had a touching, happy ending, I've lost the character. You know? She doesn't exist anymore, unless I begin again.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
I like to detail exactly how I feel at any given point. Exactly the pattern in which my feelings are making their impression on my mental mind. Why can feelings not be fully interrpreted into the language of the mental? I know, instead, that we don't try to do the impossible, which is to accurately represent precisely the complexities of what we feel with words that we can ponder over and share with others. No, we sum things up into something simpler that will vaguely represent our feelings. A vague summation that will brief ourselves and others, through luinguistics, on what's happening when we feel at any given point.
People care too little for the inexplicable. In my opinion, it's a mark that they care not for the genuine, only what service these summations can do for the ego. I know how that feels. Could I, though, explain how it properly feels? We use these summations, these labels, because it's easier to understand the most superficial level of our beings. Well, that's not true, we can't understand the superficiality because it is still a part of a deeper more complex thing. The skin cannot be explained until we understand how it was created and for what purpose. But, at least, we can live a life, devoid, indeed of understanding but still purposeful. Because our goal in life is not to understand what is living but to simply be and use ourselves to live. We often unquestioningly be.
Let's, for a moment, pause and think about some of the most inexplicable, by language, things that we feel. Let's not accept that words like "happy" or "sad" can accurately detail what it is we feel. Let's allow ourselves to observe that no words can transcribe what it is we feel. We're used to our feelings triggering the words that we've taught. Sometimes we screw it up anyway and mix up distinctions like "angry" and "mad". Is there a difference? Yes, but also no, because the distinction between the two is still a superficial distinction. There probably is not so much a distinction between the "mad" and "angry" times as there is a distinction between each individual time we ever feel. Because even though these sensations can become familiar, we can also allow that different combinations and stimulants provide different reactions. The superficial feeling may be generalized. Perhaps we can identify if it's "bad" or "good". But what do these reactions really mean? What do they really tell us about what the stimulants mean to us?
I find that, at least, somewhat translatable. Emotions are murky, but the relevance IS actually not part of the emotional body. As if, instead of originating out of the murkiness, it actually originated out of a faculty similar to my conscious, mental mind. And thus, although it displayed itself through the feelings, emotions or sensations that I feel half physically and half mentally and really - we say - emotionally... they can be understood by surpassing the impossible task of translation and simply seeing the mental relevance.
At least it's mental for me. Always logical and rational. My emotions, though ambiguous as they are, serve to symbolize something on the surface, because emotions are easily accessed. However, if we categorize each seaparate sensation into a lumpy worthless summation.... how can we ever expect to identify the real distinctions, which are actually the distinctive relevancies that stimulate an emotion to come to the surface and make its appareance felt, and thus, make something deeper known to us.
I find it hard to transcribe my wisdom into intellectual sentences. I suppose because the nature of intellect is to make absolutes, as I'm doing right this very minute. And I know, wisely, that my absolutes are not indeed absolute. How can I put down my wisdom, without making it a lie?
People care too little for the inexplicable. In my opinion, it's a mark that they care not for the genuine, only what service these summations can do for the ego. I know how that feels. Could I, though, explain how it properly feels? We use these summations, these labels, because it's easier to understand the most superficial level of our beings. Well, that's not true, we can't understand the superficiality because it is still a part of a deeper more complex thing. The skin cannot be explained until we understand how it was created and for what purpose. But, at least, we can live a life, devoid, indeed of understanding but still purposeful. Because our goal in life is not to understand what is living but to simply be and use ourselves to live. We often unquestioningly be.
Let's, for a moment, pause and think about some of the most inexplicable, by language, things that we feel. Let's not accept that words like "happy" or "sad" can accurately detail what it is we feel. Let's allow ourselves to observe that no words can transcribe what it is we feel. We're used to our feelings triggering the words that we've taught. Sometimes we screw it up anyway and mix up distinctions like "angry" and "mad". Is there a difference? Yes, but also no, because the distinction between the two is still a superficial distinction. There probably is not so much a distinction between the "mad" and "angry" times as there is a distinction between each individual time we ever feel. Because even though these sensations can become familiar, we can also allow that different combinations and stimulants provide different reactions. The superficial feeling may be generalized. Perhaps we can identify if it's "bad" or "good". But what do these reactions really mean? What do they really tell us about what the stimulants mean to us?
I find that, at least, somewhat translatable. Emotions are murky, but the relevance IS actually not part of the emotional body. As if, instead of originating out of the murkiness, it actually originated out of a faculty similar to my conscious, mental mind. And thus, although it displayed itself through the feelings, emotions or sensations that I feel half physically and half mentally and really - we say - emotionally... they can be understood by surpassing the impossible task of translation and simply seeing the mental relevance.
At least it's mental for me. Always logical and rational. My emotions, though ambiguous as they are, serve to symbolize something on the surface, because emotions are easily accessed. However, if we categorize each seaparate sensation into a lumpy worthless summation.... how can we ever expect to identify the real distinctions, which are actually the distinctive relevancies that stimulate an emotion to come to the surface and make its appareance felt, and thus, make something deeper known to us.
I find it hard to transcribe my wisdom into intellectual sentences. I suppose because the nature of intellect is to make absolutes, as I'm doing right this very minute. And I know, wisely, that my absolutes are not indeed absolute. How can I put down my wisdom, without making it a lie?
It's no use reading a lesbian novel and not wanting to masturbate. But I told myself not to because I've gotten off way too much today. Or rather, now it's the next day. But in the past 24 hours I've gotten off too much. I didn't count the orgasms but I think after five it gets a little tiresome. Tiresome isn't even the word. If an orgasm is the pleasurable climax gained from a steady upward slope of pleasure, than it's the exact opposite for a certain amount of orgasms. It seems to be the downward slope and it stops being pleasurable, almost emotionally. Like, it brings me down emotionally and physically too. My body starts feeling... like crap. Not that I feel pained or that I feel self conscious... sort of inbetween those two feelings. Like instead of my body being pained or my emotions being depressed it's almost like my body is depressed. It just feels useless and groggy and grubby.
That's what I felt from all the masturbating. Although I did it throughout the day and not all at once. I slept a lot though and when I sleep a lot during the day I tend to masturbate a lot. Cause I'm in bed and I always seem to wake up horny. Plus, I'm reading a lesbian novel. It's actually pretty raunchy. It's more or less a few episodes of The L Word piled into a novel, but set in the late 1800's. But I like the author, despite her lax views on sex.
And lesbianism.. mmmmm. I have to say that I'm still quite firm on the fact that I do not want a boyish lesbian lover. If I want a boy, I want a damn boy. If I want a girl, I want a damn girl. I can't stand the mixing of the sexes. It confuses me so extremely to see a girl dressed as a boy, acting as a boy. I just seem to have different goals concerning the two. Like I can't treat a boy the way I'd treat a girl and I can't treat a girl the way I'd treat a boy.
Although you'd think that would mean I can't love or have sex with a girl but it doesn't mean that. I look to girls the way boys look to me. I don't really think, Oh, this is lovely, I may make a friend today. I think about sex. Not the way guys do. It's more that instead of wanting to have sex with a girl, I entertain the idea of having sex with any girl - and an attractive girl reminds me of this. I still don't have sex with just anybody who comes along, male or female. So when I'm around girls I'm stimulated by the prospect of having something sexy and intimate between us but I don't actually want her. I haven't really wanted anybody, probably, since Shannon. Humph.
Well, I have wanted women in general, longed for them. And for their bodies. I have a cruel reminder of how alluring their bodies can be, since I have one of my own to see and feel every day. But I haven't cared for anyone in particular.
So I have about 50 or 60 pages left in my lesbian novel. And I want to get off again but I don't want to masturbate. And I don't want the fantasies that I use when I masturbate, otherwise I would probably want to masturbate. I think when you do the same thing all day long and it only makes you feel like crap, and yet you still long for something similar.... *sigh* you begin to really long for new sensations. I hadn't really thought about it. The difference between imagining something in your head and actually feeling it played out on your body.
I think my fantasies stimulate my emotional or perhaps mental faculty more than anything. Like the the thought of how hot whatever I'm thinking of would be. Which is why I would not actually act out over half the things I think about. Cause it's only the thought of how hot it is, not the thought of how pleasurable it would be to have happen. I think physical pleasure falls short if you're not emotionally pleased at the same time, and I wouldn't be, doing some of the things in my fantasies.
I seemed to have talked myself out of wanting these new sensations. But that's because I've intimidated myself with thoughts of other things that put pressure on the excitement, sort of smother it and such. I guess I shouldn't worry since I have no one to give me these new sensations. I'm tired of feeling on both sides - my hand and the body that I touch with my hand. I want to either touch someone and not feel the touch of my hand at the same time. Or to be touched, and not how it feels to be touching.
I really have intimidated myself and now I don't want it at all. I'm such a party pooper!
And all I have is a thirst that can't be quenched. I know it will just make me want to masturbate and I'm tired of it. Booo. Like I said, I'm even sick of my fantasies. They don't bring me pleasure. I'm sick of fantasies at all. They're so tiresome, they have the same effect on my mental body as the ten orgasms have on my physical body. It's really depressing me.
But what can I do? Sex is so unrealistic for me at this point.
I guess, to dig a little deeper into my longings, it's fair to say that I'm tired of my interaction with people being more unpleasurable than pleasurable. I'm trying to find the right word and pleasurable is the best I can find. I want to say happy but it's really a sort of pleasure felt when you get along with someone, when you bond with them, when you feel for them, when you're intimate with them. It just feels good.
With my parents, Amelia, Kristen, John, Dan... all of them, it's an unpleasantness I feel. I don't feel pleasure as I interact with them. Interacting with them only brings me tension and unpleasantness. Probably because my expectations are not met. I want to have something good with them and instead I have only troublesome things brought to me from interacting with them. I want to be pleased. To be pleasured.
And I want it to be real. Like when I'm pleased and pleasured by John, I know it's a lie. I know that the flattery he gives me is untrue and unrealistic. He doesn't care about me and he doesn't love me. He doesn't want to be with me. He doesn't get pleasure out of my company and my presence in his life. At least, not in a great sense. He says talking to me makes him happy but that's it. I'm just a friend. Who he stupidly makes a romantic deal of for no apparent reason, since it isn't real.
Isis is the only one I feel pleasure by. Obviously a very different sort of pleasure than I'd expect from someone my age. But even so, it's not enough. When I'm around her all I want to do is squeeze the life out of her. Or rather, let's not concentrate on the life taking and concentrate on the force of my squeeze. Like I just HAVE to cuddle her and get something from it. Some sort of satisfaction to calm whatever it is that I need from people and I'm not getting.
Needless to say, she won't let me hug her and squeeze her. She likes her space and her independence. Although she can be clingy, it's never affectionately. And I just have to steal in two second squeezes before she pushes me away or gets frustrated and cries. :(
Gah, my throat burns in this queer way. Like fire. But it doesn't burn, it just feels like there is literal fire in my throat. If I were more or less the same temperature as fire, that is, cause otherwise I would suffer. This just feels like a flame is licking the inside of my throat except, it's not searing me.
:( I don't know what to do... Masturbating is not even close to the solution to my problem. It's just the easiest within my reach. And if I don't have a million orgasms, it sort of quenches something. Having more than a few pretty much makes me loathe whatever it is that needs to be quenched. Since I don't even know what it is, I don't really know where to even point my hate.
The idea of being with people, realistically, just seems like such an unpleasurable venture. What do I hope to gain, except displeasure. (which is the word I probably should have been using the whole time to illustrate pleasure in the negative but I prefer the former.)
And that seems too trivial a note to leave it on but fuck it. Because writing to someone or anyone is establishing interaction with someone or anyone and that's exactly what is not so fucking pleasurable as I wish it to be.
That's what I felt from all the masturbating. Although I did it throughout the day and not all at once. I slept a lot though and when I sleep a lot during the day I tend to masturbate a lot. Cause I'm in bed and I always seem to wake up horny. Plus, I'm reading a lesbian novel. It's actually pretty raunchy. It's more or less a few episodes of The L Word piled into a novel, but set in the late 1800's. But I like the author, despite her lax views on sex.
And lesbianism.. mmmmm. I have to say that I'm still quite firm on the fact that I do not want a boyish lesbian lover. If I want a boy, I want a damn boy. If I want a girl, I want a damn girl. I can't stand the mixing of the sexes. It confuses me so extremely to see a girl dressed as a boy, acting as a boy. I just seem to have different goals concerning the two. Like I can't treat a boy the way I'd treat a girl and I can't treat a girl the way I'd treat a boy.
Although you'd think that would mean I can't love or have sex with a girl but it doesn't mean that. I look to girls the way boys look to me. I don't really think, Oh, this is lovely, I may make a friend today. I think about sex. Not the way guys do. It's more that instead of wanting to have sex with a girl, I entertain the idea of having sex with any girl - and an attractive girl reminds me of this. I still don't have sex with just anybody who comes along, male or female. So when I'm around girls I'm stimulated by the prospect of having something sexy and intimate between us but I don't actually want her. I haven't really wanted anybody, probably, since Shannon. Humph.
Well, I have wanted women in general, longed for them. And for their bodies. I have a cruel reminder of how alluring their bodies can be, since I have one of my own to see and feel every day. But I haven't cared for anyone in particular.
So I have about 50 or 60 pages left in my lesbian novel. And I want to get off again but I don't want to masturbate. And I don't want the fantasies that I use when I masturbate, otherwise I would probably want to masturbate. I think when you do the same thing all day long and it only makes you feel like crap, and yet you still long for something similar.... *sigh* you begin to really long for new sensations. I hadn't really thought about it. The difference between imagining something in your head and actually feeling it played out on your body.
I think my fantasies stimulate my emotional or perhaps mental faculty more than anything. Like the the thought of how hot whatever I'm thinking of would be. Which is why I would not actually act out over half the things I think about. Cause it's only the thought of how hot it is, not the thought of how pleasurable it would be to have happen. I think physical pleasure falls short if you're not emotionally pleased at the same time, and I wouldn't be, doing some of the things in my fantasies.
I seemed to have talked myself out of wanting these new sensations. But that's because I've intimidated myself with thoughts of other things that put pressure on the excitement, sort of smother it and such. I guess I shouldn't worry since I have no one to give me these new sensations. I'm tired of feeling on both sides - my hand and the body that I touch with my hand. I want to either touch someone and not feel the touch of my hand at the same time. Or to be touched, and not how it feels to be touching.
I really have intimidated myself and now I don't want it at all. I'm such a party pooper!
And all I have is a thirst that can't be quenched. I know it will just make me want to masturbate and I'm tired of it. Booo. Like I said, I'm even sick of my fantasies. They don't bring me pleasure. I'm sick of fantasies at all. They're so tiresome, they have the same effect on my mental body as the ten orgasms have on my physical body. It's really depressing me.
But what can I do? Sex is so unrealistic for me at this point.
I guess, to dig a little deeper into my longings, it's fair to say that I'm tired of my interaction with people being more unpleasurable than pleasurable. I'm trying to find the right word and pleasurable is the best I can find. I want to say happy but it's really a sort of pleasure felt when you get along with someone, when you bond with them, when you feel for them, when you're intimate with them. It just feels good.
With my parents, Amelia, Kristen, John, Dan... all of them, it's an unpleasantness I feel. I don't feel pleasure as I interact with them. Interacting with them only brings me tension and unpleasantness. Probably because my expectations are not met. I want to have something good with them and instead I have only troublesome things brought to me from interacting with them. I want to be pleased. To be pleasured.
And I want it to be real. Like when I'm pleased and pleasured by John, I know it's a lie. I know that the flattery he gives me is untrue and unrealistic. He doesn't care about me and he doesn't love me. He doesn't want to be with me. He doesn't get pleasure out of my company and my presence in his life. At least, not in a great sense. He says talking to me makes him happy but that's it. I'm just a friend. Who he stupidly makes a romantic deal of for no apparent reason, since it isn't real.
Isis is the only one I feel pleasure by. Obviously a very different sort of pleasure than I'd expect from someone my age. But even so, it's not enough. When I'm around her all I want to do is squeeze the life out of her. Or rather, let's not concentrate on the life taking and concentrate on the force of my squeeze. Like I just HAVE to cuddle her and get something from it. Some sort of satisfaction to calm whatever it is that I need from people and I'm not getting.
Needless to say, she won't let me hug her and squeeze her. She likes her space and her independence. Although she can be clingy, it's never affectionately. And I just have to steal in two second squeezes before she pushes me away or gets frustrated and cries. :(
Gah, my throat burns in this queer way. Like fire. But it doesn't burn, it just feels like there is literal fire in my throat. If I were more or less the same temperature as fire, that is, cause otherwise I would suffer. This just feels like a flame is licking the inside of my throat except, it's not searing me.
:( I don't know what to do... Masturbating is not even close to the solution to my problem. It's just the easiest within my reach. And if I don't have a million orgasms, it sort of quenches something. Having more than a few pretty much makes me loathe whatever it is that needs to be quenched. Since I don't even know what it is, I don't really know where to even point my hate.
The idea of being with people, realistically, just seems like such an unpleasurable venture. What do I hope to gain, except displeasure. (which is the word I probably should have been using the whole time to illustrate pleasure in the negative but I prefer the former.)
And that seems too trivial a note to leave it on but fuck it. Because writing to someone or anyone is establishing interaction with someone or anyone and that's exactly what is not so fucking pleasurable as I wish it to be.
Friday, January 18, 2008
[03:29] BizZyTheKiD1030: its funny that you say i dont appreciate you
[03:30] IAMSpartacus117: it's funny that you always have conflicting statements like: I like you, but I don't like you coexisting at the same time.
[03:30] IAMSpartacus117: you'd think they'd cancel each other out and make everything you say automatically bullshit.
I love my lines. I was mimicking and mocking his "it's funny" because it's so damn obnoxious. It's his way of saying, for example, "it's ironic that you think I don't appreciate you when I actually worship the ground you tread on." That probably wasn't what he was actually going to say but he says things that imply that I'm too stupid to see the truth so I say statements like "you don't appreciate me." So I mocked that cause I had a sudden urge to lash out, and the spite is apparent in what I chose to use to mock him with, which is his hypocritical opinions. I haven't really mentioned them to him up until now. I couldn't resist.
It shouldn't really be relevant. The reason the whole thing was brought up is that I realized how easily John passes up things like hanging out with me, kissing me, sleeping in the same bed as me, having sex with me, dating me etc etc. When meanwhile, Dan and I would kill for the opportunity to be ten minutes away from each other. Ten minutes away like John.
The remark I made was meant to illustrate the irony that those who don't want me are able to have me, such as John, and those who do want me aren't able to have me, such as Dan. But I said it badly and it ended up offending John. I sort of called him stupid for not appreciating me. Which is rude to say because nobody needs to appreciate me. The only reason I can get away with mentioning it at all is that John is always on the brink of having feelings for me but then rejecting them or ignoring them. Which is where the hypocritical statements come in. "I want to date you, but I don't want to date you."
I wish he would just stick to, I don't want to date you. And then I wouldn't call him stupid for not appreciating me because if some random person isn't in love with me I really won't be offended. There's nothing to even appreciate unless we're in love with each other. And clearly there are one or two hindrances to that fact.
He told me that I didn't know what I was missing with him. Originally, he told me that Scooby-Doo had been put down. And I told him that I was glad he wasn't my boyfriend. I didn't explain it at all. But what led me to say that was that the first thoughts going through my head were how mean he was to tell me that my favorite dog had been put down. Which clearly shows that he enjoys making me unhappy. And that's why I was glad he wasn't my boyfriend because boyfriends are supposed to do the exact opposite. I want someone who wants to make me happy. It's not an impossible task.
But I didn't feel up to explaining that so I said nothing in explanation and later on he said his snide, It's funny that you say you're glad I'm not your boyfriend because you don't know how good of a boyfriend I'd be. Ahem, well, I replied that he didn't know how good of a girlfriend I would be. But he claims he actually does know how good of a girlfriend I'd be, except, apparently, we wouldn't get along or some such bullshit.
That's apparently his newest lie. That if we were dating, we would be miserable. I have to say, I pretty much used it a few months ago. But that was in a fit of pessimism. We weren't really friends then and I hated him and I didn't want to get along with him, I thought we were incompatible. Now that I'm concentrating on our chemistry I find it worth a try. There's nothing like seeing what happens, but he doesn't wish to because he wishes to stay with Lyla, which by the way I find a pretty unhappy relationship. I know this because I'm the one he complains to.
And yet again we have the hypocrisy of his statement. Believe me, I know you'd be a good girlfriend to me, but on second thought, you wouldn't be a good enough girlfriend to me.
I think my opinion of "good girlfriend" is not someone miraculously compatible but someone willing to make things work. If I were to date John I would be willing to be supportive, agreeable, friendly and optimistic. As far as my will goes, I will not allow him to try to control me or dominate me. And that's what I was thinking of when I said we didn't get along. He kept trying to manipulate me the last time our friendship ended and I, naturally, allow for no such thing. This past month or so he's been very good about letting me be myself, not struggling to control me and the like.
But my point is, and was, that he doesn't realize that I'm a good girlfriend because I can make things work provided the other person isn't impossible. So the question is, does John want to make things work? Because if there's a way, I'm the will to get there. The problem with a relationship is that one will isn't enough, two wills need to work together to make the product: a good relationship. John doesn't want us to have a good relationship in his mind, probably because he wants to pretend like there's a good reason not to date me, since he'd rather stay with Lyla.
In reality, if he wanted it to work, it would work. However, some people want everything to be miserable and turn out horribly. I found that quality in John. Ever since his parents died. Because now, since his parents have died, he feels that he's justified in believing that life is against him and nothing will turn out good, everything will fail and make him a victim. I wouldn't fail. Perhaps he knows that and that's why he's got to avoid me. He needs to allow his problems to thrive so he has at least some excuse to feel sorry for himself.
I know all of this already. I wish he would just shut the fuck up. He's always going around in circles. I like you...... wait, I don't. I like you.... wait, it won't work. I like you.... wait, I refuse to date you anyway.
I haven't asked him to have feelings for me. I don't recall even once telling him I have feelings for him. I did state a hypothetical "if I had feelings for you" once or twice but that was to illustrate the love triangle thing I had going on, which I thought was funny.
I have had feelings for him but I haven't made a move on him. In fact, I've lied rather a lot. He does it too. At random times we each state that we don't have feelings for each other, just to save face. He'll do it just days after he's told me he has feelings for me. A lot of the time he says it for me. He says, "and we both know that neither of us have feelings for each other." and I don't disagree.
God, why does he think he has feelings for me? It's so clear that he doesn't. His emotions are the exact opposite of sincere. His statements are always hypocritical or are contradicted days later. He knows and I know and I bet Lyla knows that he doesn't want to be with me. Why does he even entertain these faux feelings for me? What purpose does it serve? Except to make another problem for which he's the victim. Wahhhh.
Bah. I wouldn't talk to him at all if I didn't want the company. I'm not giving him anything. That's why I haven't been sincere with him, I've kept a distance between us. When he tells me one minute that he wants to hang out and the next that he doesn't want to hang out I don't act like I care. I always show apathy. The warmest thing I've said to him is probably when I was trying to convince him that I didn't think he was an idiot.
I talk about the past a lot. And I flirt with him a little harmlessly. Sort of hypothetical things. Like, Well I'm great at sex and it's just too bad you'll never get to experience it. Not that I've said that but each time I flirt I acknowledge the reality that we can't act on it. He says maybe and I say it isn't likely. now I'm the pessimistic one but it is realistic.
He asked me if Dan was still coming in May to fuck me. Ahem. He thinks Dan is using me for sex, to which we feel compelled to reply: It takes one to know one. In any case I told him that Dan was coming to visit me in May. And that if our attraction happened to lead to sex.. that I would be on top and then technically I'd be the one fucking him. Which isn't true, I'd probably not be on top if I could manage it.
But he insulted me by making it seem like I was a helpless woman doomed to just be fucked by men more powerful than I am. Yeah, right. Anything to make me see Dan as the "bad guy" so that I won't sleep with him. Which is why I turned it around to imply that if there was any "fucking over" going on then it would probably be me - me in control.
In reality, I don't think either of us are going to be hurting each other. Dan and I make a much better team than arch nemeses. I don't plan to take advantage of Dan and I don't believe that he would take advantage of me but here's the thing.. I could be foolish about Dan, as people can sometimes be fooled by people. The reason I'm not afraid is that I don't think if Dan was fooling me, he could take advantage of me anyway. I don't think he could do any real damage. I have a lot of power and a lot of defenses at that. I'm not a helpless woman who can be fucked by men, thanks John.
My defenses always seem to be absent with John though, like every move I make that regards him is automatically a rash decision. I asked my mom if we had karma cause I thought that might explain the reason we seem attracted to each other to no avail. But she said we didn't. It seems to be that there are no productive decisions regarding John. Except to not regard him at all, to have nothing to do with him. Which is a decision I can't seem to make without his help. And he seems inclined to be friends with me so I can't really resist it. Like I said, I need the company. I get bored without somebody to chat to at random points during the day.
But it's like, every move I make with John just sucks. He's so extremely counterproductive. He undoes all the production I do. I think that's because he's so hypocritical. He's all over the board. I guess I am too, all over the board that is. Like when I'm hot, he's cold and when I'm cold he's hot. If he just stayed cold, than I could make a productive decision but he keeps changing his mind and his attitude and his personality and I keep making decisions based on his personality at the given time, but all my decisions are thwarted by the fact that tomorrow he's acting the opposite and my decisions end up making no sense anymore.
Like if I decide, okay let's be friends because you already have a girlfriend. Tomorrow, he's broken up with her [for five minutes] and I foolishly make a new decision, like, Let's hang out. But then the next day he's back with her again and my decision to hang out is useless and he'll probably say something like, Let's just be friends and make it seem like he's disagreeing with me because I want to hang out when really I gladly except that we should stay friends and not hang out, the only reason I said let's hang out is because you said you and Lyla weren't together. etc etc. It goes on in that manner.
Any decision I make is opposed by his new reality and my stupidity lies in the fact that I keep... believing him. Not that I'm a complete fool otherwise I wouldn't be able to say this now but it's like I don't care that he's making a fool of me cause I have that inexplicable attraction to him - that I wanted to explain by karma. I don't understand what lies beneath the attraction.
You know? Sometimes you just know that you're not going to put up with someone's bullshit. Look at how quickly I've shot down so many guys' advances. So why do I not feel that I should shoot down John's advances? What's the attraction? I don't know.
[03:30] IAMSpartacus117: it's funny that you always have conflicting statements like: I like you, but I don't like you coexisting at the same time.
[03:30] IAMSpartacus117: you'd think they'd cancel each other out and make everything you say automatically bullshit.
I love my lines. I was mimicking and mocking his "it's funny" because it's so damn obnoxious. It's his way of saying, for example, "it's ironic that you think I don't appreciate you when I actually worship the ground you tread on." That probably wasn't what he was actually going to say but he says things that imply that I'm too stupid to see the truth so I say statements like "you don't appreciate me." So I mocked that cause I had a sudden urge to lash out, and the spite is apparent in what I chose to use to mock him with, which is his hypocritical opinions. I haven't really mentioned them to him up until now. I couldn't resist.
It shouldn't really be relevant. The reason the whole thing was brought up is that I realized how easily John passes up things like hanging out with me, kissing me, sleeping in the same bed as me, having sex with me, dating me etc etc. When meanwhile, Dan and I would kill for the opportunity to be ten minutes away from each other. Ten minutes away like John.
The remark I made was meant to illustrate the irony that those who don't want me are able to have me, such as John, and those who do want me aren't able to have me, such as Dan. But I said it badly and it ended up offending John. I sort of called him stupid for not appreciating me. Which is rude to say because nobody needs to appreciate me. The only reason I can get away with mentioning it at all is that John is always on the brink of having feelings for me but then rejecting them or ignoring them. Which is where the hypocritical statements come in. "I want to date you, but I don't want to date you."
I wish he would just stick to, I don't want to date you. And then I wouldn't call him stupid for not appreciating me because if some random person isn't in love with me I really won't be offended. There's nothing to even appreciate unless we're in love with each other. And clearly there are one or two hindrances to that fact.
He told me that I didn't know what I was missing with him. Originally, he told me that Scooby-Doo had been put down. And I told him that I was glad he wasn't my boyfriend. I didn't explain it at all. But what led me to say that was that the first thoughts going through my head were how mean he was to tell me that my favorite dog had been put down. Which clearly shows that he enjoys making me unhappy. And that's why I was glad he wasn't my boyfriend because boyfriends are supposed to do the exact opposite. I want someone who wants to make me happy. It's not an impossible task.
But I didn't feel up to explaining that so I said nothing in explanation and later on he said his snide, It's funny that you say you're glad I'm not your boyfriend because you don't know how good of a boyfriend I'd be. Ahem, well, I replied that he didn't know how good of a girlfriend I would be. But he claims he actually does know how good of a girlfriend I'd be, except, apparently, we wouldn't get along or some such bullshit.
That's apparently his newest lie. That if we were dating, we would be miserable. I have to say, I pretty much used it a few months ago. But that was in a fit of pessimism. We weren't really friends then and I hated him and I didn't want to get along with him, I thought we were incompatible. Now that I'm concentrating on our chemistry I find it worth a try. There's nothing like seeing what happens, but he doesn't wish to because he wishes to stay with Lyla, which by the way I find a pretty unhappy relationship. I know this because I'm the one he complains to.
And yet again we have the hypocrisy of his statement. Believe me, I know you'd be a good girlfriend to me, but on second thought, you wouldn't be a good enough girlfriend to me.
I think my opinion of "good girlfriend" is not someone miraculously compatible but someone willing to make things work. If I were to date John I would be willing to be supportive, agreeable, friendly and optimistic. As far as my will goes, I will not allow him to try to control me or dominate me. And that's what I was thinking of when I said we didn't get along. He kept trying to manipulate me the last time our friendship ended and I, naturally, allow for no such thing. This past month or so he's been very good about letting me be myself, not struggling to control me and the like.
But my point is, and was, that he doesn't realize that I'm a good girlfriend because I can make things work provided the other person isn't impossible. So the question is, does John want to make things work? Because if there's a way, I'm the will to get there. The problem with a relationship is that one will isn't enough, two wills need to work together to make the product: a good relationship. John doesn't want us to have a good relationship in his mind, probably because he wants to pretend like there's a good reason not to date me, since he'd rather stay with Lyla.
In reality, if he wanted it to work, it would work. However, some people want everything to be miserable and turn out horribly. I found that quality in John. Ever since his parents died. Because now, since his parents have died, he feels that he's justified in believing that life is against him and nothing will turn out good, everything will fail and make him a victim. I wouldn't fail. Perhaps he knows that and that's why he's got to avoid me. He needs to allow his problems to thrive so he has at least some excuse to feel sorry for himself.
I know all of this already. I wish he would just shut the fuck up. He's always going around in circles. I like you...... wait, I don't. I like you.... wait, it won't work. I like you.... wait, I refuse to date you anyway.
I haven't asked him to have feelings for me. I don't recall even once telling him I have feelings for him. I did state a hypothetical "if I had feelings for you" once or twice but that was to illustrate the love triangle thing I had going on, which I thought was funny.
I have had feelings for him but I haven't made a move on him. In fact, I've lied rather a lot. He does it too. At random times we each state that we don't have feelings for each other, just to save face. He'll do it just days after he's told me he has feelings for me. A lot of the time he says it for me. He says, "and we both know that neither of us have feelings for each other." and I don't disagree.
God, why does he think he has feelings for me? It's so clear that he doesn't. His emotions are the exact opposite of sincere. His statements are always hypocritical or are contradicted days later. He knows and I know and I bet Lyla knows that he doesn't want to be with me. Why does he even entertain these faux feelings for me? What purpose does it serve? Except to make another problem for which he's the victim. Wahhhh.
Bah. I wouldn't talk to him at all if I didn't want the company. I'm not giving him anything. That's why I haven't been sincere with him, I've kept a distance between us. When he tells me one minute that he wants to hang out and the next that he doesn't want to hang out I don't act like I care. I always show apathy. The warmest thing I've said to him is probably when I was trying to convince him that I didn't think he was an idiot.
I talk about the past a lot. And I flirt with him a little harmlessly. Sort of hypothetical things. Like, Well I'm great at sex and it's just too bad you'll never get to experience it. Not that I've said that but each time I flirt I acknowledge the reality that we can't act on it. He says maybe and I say it isn't likely. now I'm the pessimistic one but it is realistic.
He asked me if Dan was still coming in May to fuck me. Ahem. He thinks Dan is using me for sex, to which we feel compelled to reply: It takes one to know one. In any case I told him that Dan was coming to visit me in May. And that if our attraction happened to lead to sex.. that I would be on top and then technically I'd be the one fucking him. Which isn't true, I'd probably not be on top if I could manage it.
But he insulted me by making it seem like I was a helpless woman doomed to just be fucked by men more powerful than I am. Yeah, right. Anything to make me see Dan as the "bad guy" so that I won't sleep with him. Which is why I turned it around to imply that if there was any "fucking over" going on then it would probably be me - me in control.
In reality, I don't think either of us are going to be hurting each other. Dan and I make a much better team than arch nemeses. I don't plan to take advantage of Dan and I don't believe that he would take advantage of me but here's the thing.. I could be foolish about Dan, as people can sometimes be fooled by people. The reason I'm not afraid is that I don't think if Dan was fooling me, he could take advantage of me anyway. I don't think he could do any real damage. I have a lot of power and a lot of defenses at that. I'm not a helpless woman who can be fucked by men, thanks John.
My defenses always seem to be absent with John though, like every move I make that regards him is automatically a rash decision. I asked my mom if we had karma cause I thought that might explain the reason we seem attracted to each other to no avail. But she said we didn't. It seems to be that there are no productive decisions regarding John. Except to not regard him at all, to have nothing to do with him. Which is a decision I can't seem to make without his help. And he seems inclined to be friends with me so I can't really resist it. Like I said, I need the company. I get bored without somebody to chat to at random points during the day.
But it's like, every move I make with John just sucks. He's so extremely counterproductive. He undoes all the production I do. I think that's because he's so hypocritical. He's all over the board. I guess I am too, all over the board that is. Like when I'm hot, he's cold and when I'm cold he's hot. If he just stayed cold, than I could make a productive decision but he keeps changing his mind and his attitude and his personality and I keep making decisions based on his personality at the given time, but all my decisions are thwarted by the fact that tomorrow he's acting the opposite and my decisions end up making no sense anymore.
Like if I decide, okay let's be friends because you already have a girlfriend. Tomorrow, he's broken up with her [for five minutes] and I foolishly make a new decision, like, Let's hang out. But then the next day he's back with her again and my decision to hang out is useless and he'll probably say something like, Let's just be friends and make it seem like he's disagreeing with me because I want to hang out when really I gladly except that we should stay friends and not hang out, the only reason I said let's hang out is because you said you and Lyla weren't together. etc etc. It goes on in that manner.
Any decision I make is opposed by his new reality and my stupidity lies in the fact that I keep... believing him. Not that I'm a complete fool otherwise I wouldn't be able to say this now but it's like I don't care that he's making a fool of me cause I have that inexplicable attraction to him - that I wanted to explain by karma. I don't understand what lies beneath the attraction.
You know? Sometimes you just know that you're not going to put up with someone's bullshit. Look at how quickly I've shot down so many guys' advances. So why do I not feel that I should shoot down John's advances? What's the attraction? I don't know.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
I was reading Skin Game and as she was talking about how her grades reliably make her identity I realized that I no longer cared if I got bad grades. I'm not sure I can sufficiently reason out how that happened. Perhaps she spelled out her weaknesses, that's what the book was about, her weaknesses. And then I decided not to be her. I know it sounds mean and snobbish but one of the reasons that people continue with their bad behavior is that their minds tell them to accept who they are without question. Often, they act, and they speak, and they think and never separate themselves from who they are in the moment and with a conscious mind ask why they are who they are in the moment, what drives them to be that way and what can they do to change it. A lot of people just are. But our minds have the power view all we do, to analyze it, to wonder about it, to question it. Dogs probably can't ponder about themselves. They really are only what they are.
Sometimes when you think about yourself, instead of accept that you are the way you seem to be displaying... you realize how your consciousness doesn't even agree with the behavior or the reasoning behind what you're doing. The reason you hadn't noticed before is that we don't analyze or question everything we do, think or feel. There are a lot of things we take for granted. A lot of things we assume. A lot of things we let somebody else control, spit out into our brains. As far as I'm concerned that somebody else is our subconscious or various levels of it.
And we don't always question what it tells us to feel or think or do. We sometimes just accept that it's simply telling us who we are and that's all there is to it. But it's not telling us who we are, it's telling us a choice that it's made. And who we are is defined by the choices we make. Which doesn't mean that when we were born, we already had a reaction to something programmed into our brain. When we were born, we didn't have the way we would react to finding out we were pregnant 20 years later already programmed. When that moment came, you make the choice to react. You make based, sometimes, on your subconscious. Unless you choose to question it and to make a conscious choice that comes from conscious reasoning. And even then you have to realize that your consciousness is still being pumped by subconscious beliefs and thoughts.
The only way to ever beat the cycle you're in, the same patterns, the same behavior - the stuff you want to change - is to question yourself. Always. Never let your consciousness sit by and let a deeper portion of yourself to do whatever the fuck it wants. Because we obey orders from our subconscious, naturally. And I've just made the first step by questioning the fact that we obey orders naturally. Why do we do that? And then you have to break it further down and analyze the various orders given to us by the subconscious.
I think that my subconscious told me to feel like shit when I heard I had bad grades. It told me to be depressed and to hate myself and to hate the people responsible for giving me my grades. It told me to regret. To dwell on it, even though I can no longer do anything about it, until my future grades start coming into play.
And then I realized that identifying with a letter on a paper is weak. That's what the book spelled out for me. I can't fully explain why. I think I would have to begin analyzing her and I really don't wish to do that.
But the realization struck me as I made the choice not to identify with my grades. That's what of her major problems was identity. She didn't know who she was. And I know who I am. I can feel it. But it's got nothing to do with my grades. And what's more? Grades are an outer symbol of who we are that can be observed by others, which is also one of the reasons we hold on to it.
I've been working on that, silently. Which really means that the topic was broached once but I haven't given it any conscious thought since. I hope my subconscious has been working on it. And maybe the book helped me in that sense because even though she claimed to have another Caroline that was shown to the world, one that didn't reflect herself at all... she didn't give me the vibe of someone who really cares what other people think of her. She seemed to have that split personality because of her own mental problems, not merely because she was trying to hide herself and give people what they want. She gave people what they wanted to protect them, she lied not so much out of fear of their judgment but out of... well, to answer that I would have to analyze her.
So I suppose that in one sense, I realized that her identity issues were out of weakness, but in another sense, even though my identity issues have more strength than hers, in some areas, I also realized that her identity issues had more strength than mine in other areas.
I can't be sure how exactly these helped me because this wasn't even about conscious choice.
I was just sitting there reading the book and as I read her words about identity and GPA, her feelings towards the b's and c's that marked who she was in a negative way... I thought to the fact that I hadn't made the Dean's List. And what that means for my grades. And I didn't feel any self-hatred. The way I usually do. I feel a wash of shame and resentment towards myself and the people involved in my grades when I think about the bad ones. But it was gone.
And it's conscious choice that will hopefully let that feeling survive. Because I've not realized the difference between self-hatred as the reaction, and peace. And I realize that I never questioned the fact that I hated when I got bad grades. I got F's so often from 8th grade on and I cared so much. Some people have stress from trying to do everything. I had stress from trying not to do everything. It never made me happy. But I knew that doing everything wouldn't make me happy either. I picked the laziest choice.
Now that I've felt peace towards my bad grades. Even for a split second. I realize that it's possible and perfectly logical. And the only thing I can do now is to stop accepting the self-loathing as perfectly logical. It isn't perfectly logical to care that much about grades. What the fuck are they?
Maybe that's another way the book helped me. Even when she talked about her grades, she talked about what it meant for the face-Caroline. The Caroline on the outside, that was fooling everybody into believing she was something she wasn't. She identified with the chaos inside of her. That was her core, that was who she felt she really was but couldn't show the world. Which I don't agree with, but the way she sort of disassociated herself with the person who sought identity from the GPA....
Again, I can hardly put it into words. I suppose that means I'm not hitting on the exact equation. I must be missing something. Something about myself, I suppose. Something about the reason I hung on to grades. Because I still don't really know why my subconscious told me to. I know that I felt self-hatred. And I can assume that it had something to do with identity. What has changed from before I read the book?
I don't know. Maybe I learned to love myself just a little bit more since that issue with Divine Mother. I think I got something off my chest that needed to be released. As I told my mom, love can't exist within fear. And I was in fear, of the fact that my mom didn't accept me. Now, I suppose, I know that she does - at least to the best of her ability. She can't understand who I am and why I am the way I am. Maybe if she read the book I have yet to finish she'd understand a little more, although I can't say she'd respect it, but I best not concentrate on how she'll negatively react to it. Maybe she will respect it. Sometimes she seems to respect me.
I suppose I was holding on to that fear. That fear that people wouldn't accept me. And it was based on the fact that even my own family doesn't accept me. I told my mom that I'm always so negative about people because I hurt them before they can hurt me. If I bitch about all the qualities I don't like about someone, once they start bitching about mine, I've already made their opinion invalid by the fact that they're such and such. Like when a girl tells a guy he has a small dick and he calls her a bitch because he thinks, maybe if she IS a bitch, her negative opinion about him won't be valid.
I try to put people down so that when all who put ME down do just that, it won't be valid. I don't have to accept it. If I hate them, I won't have to care that they hate me because their opinions will be worthless.
I hate people to protect myself simply because I don't love myself enough. For some reason, I needed people to accept me. I say past tense because I don't think it's there anymore. Probably because I always accept it for reality, for something natural. And when I talked with my mom, by admitting that that was my reasoning, I exposed things to my conscious mind. And my conscious mind didn't agree. It didn't find it logical.
Or maybe it's the ripple effect. My mom didn't accept me, that was the pebble hitting the water, and all the ripples were my paranoia towards everybody else not accepting me. Maybe by believing my mom when she told me that she only rejected the parts of me she felt were ungodly, which is fair enough because I too reject the parts of people I find ungodly... by believing her, I threw the pebble into the grass. And now there is no ripple effect. Now I'm not paranoid that everyone won't accept me.
Not that I believe everyone will accept me. It's not so much what they will or won't do but how important it is to me. It doesn't matter if people don't accept me. I accept myself.
And since there seems to be a pause in my thought processes I'm going to assume that I can leave it at that. Do I really believe that my worth can be identified through grades? No, I don't. I know that because of how varied grades are. They depend on an infinite amount of variables, including topic and my ability to understand it but not excluding the way teachers grades various assignments or tests, the validity of what tests and assignments they give us and etc. Sure, it shows that I'm adaptable when I can get a good grade in everything.
But when I think about it, look at Figure Drawing. I drew during all of the class periods I came. I did it to the best of my ability. I know that my forte isn't drawing. I've always known. And I can accept that. Because my forte is writing. My forte is solving problems. My forte is helping people. Why in Heaven's name would the fact that I didn't wake up at 5 in the morning on four occasions and spend four hours repeating what I'd already done earlier in the semester many times - give me an identity? Give me my worth?
DRAWING is not what gives me my worth. I know that. I absolutely know that. It doesn't represent me any more than the Olympics do. I'm not in the Olympics so does that make me worthless? No. Because my worth is not associated with the Olympics any more than it is with drawing. That's not me. My worth is associated with my passions, and the way I use my passions. I'm brilliant at what I do. I love that I keep growing and expanding, that I'm not trapped within who I am at any given moment, that I'll be more in the next minute and more in the minute after that.
No amount of not waking up at 5 in the morning on four occasions and not drawing for four hours can take that away from me.
What kind of logic ever said that it was so?
THE SUBCONSCIOUS LOGIC THAT DICTATED WHAT I SHOULD FEEL AND INSTEAD OF ASKING MYSELF IF I AGREED OR FOUND IT TO BE TRUE I MERELY ACCEPTED IT BLINDLY.
It's not true and I don't agree and thus, I no longer wish to feel it. I no longer wish to care if Steve Careau (sp) does not like that I didn't wake up at 5 in the morning on four occasions and go follow his directions. It doesn't matter to me that he doesn't like that I didn't do 5 out of 10 homeworks. It doesn't matter to me that Professor Botsford chose to put those questions on his exam, and make the exam worth 200 ridiculous points - and quite possibly I couldn't live up to his standards.
That doesn't matter. It also doesn't matter if he made a mistake and gave me a grade lower than what I deserved. Neither does it matter if my English teacher did the same on one of my test. Because the higher grade doesn't give me my worth any more than the lower grade. They're equal. In the fact that they mean nothing for me. By saying that I got a high score, I'm really saying that the relevance to my high score is that it represents my ability to do blah blah blah... and that represents my worth.
But that's what our society has set up for us and I don't need to follow their rules to define my worth. I already know my worth, my worth already thrives inside me. I don't need to prove it with some future action. At least, not in the worldly sense. I do believe that I have my own inner standards to uphold but I have faith that I will uphold them because I'm worthy. That's what worthy people do. I know that sentence sounds snobbish but there was no other way to say it.
I think all I'm saying is that my worth is fused with my identity. I am my worth. I don't wear it like a graduation diploma. I am that worth. It can't be taken away from me because as long as my identity exists (and not just my identity as Melissa) my worth will be present.
It makes me proud, but pride is fruitless, to know that I have A's. And it makes me self-loathing to know that I have D's. My worth isn't based on those A's so my worth does not suffer when I have D's.
Okay?
Sometimes when you think about yourself, instead of accept that you are the way you seem to be displaying... you realize how your consciousness doesn't even agree with the behavior or the reasoning behind what you're doing. The reason you hadn't noticed before is that we don't analyze or question everything we do, think or feel. There are a lot of things we take for granted. A lot of things we assume. A lot of things we let somebody else control, spit out into our brains. As far as I'm concerned that somebody else is our subconscious or various levels of it.
And we don't always question what it tells us to feel or think or do. We sometimes just accept that it's simply telling us who we are and that's all there is to it. But it's not telling us who we are, it's telling us a choice that it's made. And who we are is defined by the choices we make. Which doesn't mean that when we were born, we already had a reaction to something programmed into our brain. When we were born, we didn't have the way we would react to finding out we were pregnant 20 years later already programmed. When that moment came, you make the choice to react. You make based, sometimes, on your subconscious. Unless you choose to question it and to make a conscious choice that comes from conscious reasoning. And even then you have to realize that your consciousness is still being pumped by subconscious beliefs and thoughts.
The only way to ever beat the cycle you're in, the same patterns, the same behavior - the stuff you want to change - is to question yourself. Always. Never let your consciousness sit by and let a deeper portion of yourself to do whatever the fuck it wants. Because we obey orders from our subconscious, naturally. And I've just made the first step by questioning the fact that we obey orders naturally. Why do we do that? And then you have to break it further down and analyze the various orders given to us by the subconscious.
I think that my subconscious told me to feel like shit when I heard I had bad grades. It told me to be depressed and to hate myself and to hate the people responsible for giving me my grades. It told me to regret. To dwell on it, even though I can no longer do anything about it, until my future grades start coming into play.
And then I realized that identifying with a letter on a paper is weak. That's what the book spelled out for me. I can't fully explain why. I think I would have to begin analyzing her and I really don't wish to do that.
But the realization struck me as I made the choice not to identify with my grades. That's what of her major problems was identity. She didn't know who she was. And I know who I am. I can feel it. But it's got nothing to do with my grades. And what's more? Grades are an outer symbol of who we are that can be observed by others, which is also one of the reasons we hold on to it.
I've been working on that, silently. Which really means that the topic was broached once but I haven't given it any conscious thought since. I hope my subconscious has been working on it. And maybe the book helped me in that sense because even though she claimed to have another Caroline that was shown to the world, one that didn't reflect herself at all... she didn't give me the vibe of someone who really cares what other people think of her. She seemed to have that split personality because of her own mental problems, not merely because she was trying to hide herself and give people what they want. She gave people what they wanted to protect them, she lied not so much out of fear of their judgment but out of... well, to answer that I would have to analyze her.
So I suppose that in one sense, I realized that her identity issues were out of weakness, but in another sense, even though my identity issues have more strength than hers, in some areas, I also realized that her identity issues had more strength than mine in other areas.
I can't be sure how exactly these helped me because this wasn't even about conscious choice.
I was just sitting there reading the book and as I read her words about identity and GPA, her feelings towards the b's and c's that marked who she was in a negative way... I thought to the fact that I hadn't made the Dean's List. And what that means for my grades. And I didn't feel any self-hatred. The way I usually do. I feel a wash of shame and resentment towards myself and the people involved in my grades when I think about the bad ones. But it was gone.
And it's conscious choice that will hopefully let that feeling survive. Because I've not realized the difference between self-hatred as the reaction, and peace. And I realize that I never questioned the fact that I hated when I got bad grades. I got F's so often from 8th grade on and I cared so much. Some people have stress from trying to do everything. I had stress from trying not to do everything. It never made me happy. But I knew that doing everything wouldn't make me happy either. I picked the laziest choice.
Now that I've felt peace towards my bad grades. Even for a split second. I realize that it's possible and perfectly logical. And the only thing I can do now is to stop accepting the self-loathing as perfectly logical. It isn't perfectly logical to care that much about grades. What the fuck are they?
Maybe that's another way the book helped me. Even when she talked about her grades, she talked about what it meant for the face-Caroline. The Caroline on the outside, that was fooling everybody into believing she was something she wasn't. She identified with the chaos inside of her. That was her core, that was who she felt she really was but couldn't show the world. Which I don't agree with, but the way she sort of disassociated herself with the person who sought identity from the GPA....
Again, I can hardly put it into words. I suppose that means I'm not hitting on the exact equation. I must be missing something. Something about myself, I suppose. Something about the reason I hung on to grades. Because I still don't really know why my subconscious told me to. I know that I felt self-hatred. And I can assume that it had something to do with identity. What has changed from before I read the book?
I don't know. Maybe I learned to love myself just a little bit more since that issue with Divine Mother. I think I got something off my chest that needed to be released. As I told my mom, love can't exist within fear. And I was in fear, of the fact that my mom didn't accept me. Now, I suppose, I know that she does - at least to the best of her ability. She can't understand who I am and why I am the way I am. Maybe if she read the book I have yet to finish she'd understand a little more, although I can't say she'd respect it, but I best not concentrate on how she'll negatively react to it. Maybe she will respect it. Sometimes she seems to respect me.
I suppose I was holding on to that fear. That fear that people wouldn't accept me. And it was based on the fact that even my own family doesn't accept me. I told my mom that I'm always so negative about people because I hurt them before they can hurt me. If I bitch about all the qualities I don't like about someone, once they start bitching about mine, I've already made their opinion invalid by the fact that they're such and such. Like when a girl tells a guy he has a small dick and he calls her a bitch because he thinks, maybe if she IS a bitch, her negative opinion about him won't be valid.
I try to put people down so that when all who put ME down do just that, it won't be valid. I don't have to accept it. If I hate them, I won't have to care that they hate me because their opinions will be worthless.
I hate people to protect myself simply because I don't love myself enough. For some reason, I needed people to accept me. I say past tense because I don't think it's there anymore. Probably because I always accept it for reality, for something natural. And when I talked with my mom, by admitting that that was my reasoning, I exposed things to my conscious mind. And my conscious mind didn't agree. It didn't find it logical.
Or maybe it's the ripple effect. My mom didn't accept me, that was the pebble hitting the water, and all the ripples were my paranoia towards everybody else not accepting me. Maybe by believing my mom when she told me that she only rejected the parts of me she felt were ungodly, which is fair enough because I too reject the parts of people I find ungodly... by believing her, I threw the pebble into the grass. And now there is no ripple effect. Now I'm not paranoid that everyone won't accept me.
Not that I believe everyone will accept me. It's not so much what they will or won't do but how important it is to me. It doesn't matter if people don't accept me. I accept myself.
And since there seems to be a pause in my thought processes I'm going to assume that I can leave it at that. Do I really believe that my worth can be identified through grades? No, I don't. I know that because of how varied grades are. They depend on an infinite amount of variables, including topic and my ability to understand it but not excluding the way teachers grades various assignments or tests, the validity of what tests and assignments they give us and etc. Sure, it shows that I'm adaptable when I can get a good grade in everything.
But when I think about it, look at Figure Drawing. I drew during all of the class periods I came. I did it to the best of my ability. I know that my forte isn't drawing. I've always known. And I can accept that. Because my forte is writing. My forte is solving problems. My forte is helping people. Why in Heaven's name would the fact that I didn't wake up at 5 in the morning on four occasions and spend four hours repeating what I'd already done earlier in the semester many times - give me an identity? Give me my worth?
DRAWING is not what gives me my worth. I know that. I absolutely know that. It doesn't represent me any more than the Olympics do. I'm not in the Olympics so does that make me worthless? No. Because my worth is not associated with the Olympics any more than it is with drawing. That's not me. My worth is associated with my passions, and the way I use my passions. I'm brilliant at what I do. I love that I keep growing and expanding, that I'm not trapped within who I am at any given moment, that I'll be more in the next minute and more in the minute after that.
No amount of not waking up at 5 in the morning on four occasions and not drawing for four hours can take that away from me.
What kind of logic ever said that it was so?
THE SUBCONSCIOUS LOGIC THAT DICTATED WHAT I SHOULD FEEL AND INSTEAD OF ASKING MYSELF IF I AGREED OR FOUND IT TO BE TRUE I MERELY ACCEPTED IT BLINDLY.
It's not true and I don't agree and thus, I no longer wish to feel it. I no longer wish to care if Steve Careau (sp) does not like that I didn't wake up at 5 in the morning on four occasions and go follow his directions. It doesn't matter to me that he doesn't like that I didn't do 5 out of 10 homeworks. It doesn't matter to me that Professor Botsford chose to put those questions on his exam, and make the exam worth 200 ridiculous points - and quite possibly I couldn't live up to his standards.
That doesn't matter. It also doesn't matter if he made a mistake and gave me a grade lower than what I deserved. Neither does it matter if my English teacher did the same on one of my test. Because the higher grade doesn't give me my worth any more than the lower grade. They're equal. In the fact that they mean nothing for me. By saying that I got a high score, I'm really saying that the relevance to my high score is that it represents my ability to do blah blah blah... and that represents my worth.
But that's what our society has set up for us and I don't need to follow their rules to define my worth. I already know my worth, my worth already thrives inside me. I don't need to prove it with some future action. At least, not in the worldly sense. I do believe that I have my own inner standards to uphold but I have faith that I will uphold them because I'm worthy. That's what worthy people do. I know that sentence sounds snobbish but there was no other way to say it.
I think all I'm saying is that my worth is fused with my identity. I am my worth. I don't wear it like a graduation diploma. I am that worth. It can't be taken away from me because as long as my identity exists (and not just my identity as Melissa) my worth will be present.
It makes me proud, but pride is fruitless, to know that I have A's. And it makes me self-loathing to know that I have D's. My worth isn't based on those A's so my worth does not suffer when I have D's.
Okay?
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
It is such a turn on to have someone turned on by you.
Yeah, yeah. That's the stripper's motto. It's all about choosing who you will allow to be turned on by you. I really, really, don't picture the least attractive person I know masturbating to me. I'm in denial. Only the people I'm attracted to can be attracted to me. Stop corrupting my sex appeal in your head!
Yeah, yeah. That's the stripper's motto. It's all about choosing who you will allow to be turned on by you. I really, really, don't picture the least attractive person I know masturbating to me. I'm in denial. Only the people I'm attracted to can be attracted to me. Stop corrupting my sex appeal in your head!
Why am I attracted to John? Whyyyyyyyyyy??? It's pure attraction. The stuff that thrills you into forgetting reality, cause all you want to do is make your desire a reality. I wouldn't say it's as much about sex as it is about the thrill of our attraction that is displayed during sex. Or at least from what I've seen.
I just feel this adrenaline when I talk to him. And when I ask myself where it comes from it seems to come from some fantasy that John and I have something special. Like our mutual attraction is unique and spectacular and thus exciting and thus it gets my adrenaline going.
It's such a big fat lie, so why does it keep coming back?
And can I just say in my most spiteful writing-voice that if anyone is using me for sex it's the exact same person who accused Dan of using me for sex "coughJohncough"!
Ugh, this attraction in my system is really getting depressed at my dosage of reality. It's conflicting. :(
I just feel this adrenaline when I talk to him. And when I ask myself where it comes from it seems to come from some fantasy that John and I have something special. Like our mutual attraction is unique and spectacular and thus exciting and thus it gets my adrenaline going.
It's such a big fat lie, so why does it keep coming back?
And can I just say in my most spiteful writing-voice that if anyone is using me for sex it's the exact same person who accused Dan of using me for sex "coughJohncough"!
Ugh, this attraction in my system is really getting depressed at my dosage of reality. It's conflicting. :(
Saturday, January 12, 2008
My school sent me a letter asking me if I want to be a tutor, which I actually thought about doing at the end of last semester. You get paid for it, and I love teaching and even though I don't know as much as you'd think, I have a capability to understand a lot, and help others understand it too. I suppose I would tutor the classes I've already taken, like General Psychology or Sociology, maybe Western Philosophy too and to be honest, I'd be completely able to tutor Forensic Science. I'd tutor Child Adolescence if I could. I haven't taken the class yet, and thus can't be sure if I could really help anybody else but as I said, I'm a quick learner and I'm taking it this semester.
But I needed this standardized letter telling me I'm a real asset to my school. My self-worth has been low. What with getting my license suspended, not being able to sing lol, and not making the Dean's List. Which means that I have a lowish grade in at least one of the classes, probably Western Civilization. Damn him and his queer final exam.
I just needed an ego stroke, I suppose. I don't know what it takes for them to send you a letter suggesting you tutor, if it's your grades or if somebody recommends you. Or maybe they just send it to everybody with a couple semesters in their trunk. It doesn't matter, it makes me feel good.
Suddenly, today has become a good day. Liking yourself just gives you a satisfying energy that's with you, no matter what you're doing. I forgot. I told Dan that I was finding it hard to get used to my boring, quiet life again, after NYC. But the reason I find it so easy to have a boring, quiet life is that even if what I'm doing is boring, who I am while I'm doing it isn't. I enjoy being me, thus, I enjoy lounging around the house when I'll I've got to keep me company is me, myself and I... and perhaps a movie or a book or some food mm. It works for me. My peace, my space, my self.
But I needed this standardized letter telling me I'm a real asset to my school. My self-worth has been low. What with getting my license suspended, not being able to sing lol, and not making the Dean's List. Which means that I have a lowish grade in at least one of the classes, probably Western Civilization. Damn him and his queer final exam.
I just needed an ego stroke, I suppose. I don't know what it takes for them to send you a letter suggesting you tutor, if it's your grades or if somebody recommends you. Or maybe they just send it to everybody with a couple semesters in their trunk. It doesn't matter, it makes me feel good.
Suddenly, today has become a good day. Liking yourself just gives you a satisfying energy that's with you, no matter what you're doing. I forgot. I told Dan that I was finding it hard to get used to my boring, quiet life again, after NYC. But the reason I find it so easy to have a boring, quiet life is that even if what I'm doing is boring, who I am while I'm doing it isn't. I enjoy being me, thus, I enjoy lounging around the house when I'll I've got to keep me company is me, myself and I... and perhaps a movie or a book or some food mm. It works for me. My peace, my space, my self.
Are you good at being aggressive during sex?
It's a turnon, not just that, but it makes sex hot. To be smothered by someone's passion. I don't like being dominated but I like aggressive passion.
The more imposing it is, the more it's apparent that it's passion. Like pinning someone against the wall, hard.
John was pretty ferocious in his passion, that's why I liked him, really. I don't like to make love. Although it's fair to say I can't be sure of what I like.
Domination means that you decide what happens, I hate it when guys don't allow me to decide what happens to my body, I don't play by other people's rules.
But when it's something simple like biting my neck or a little bit of man-handling, I need an aggressive touch, fervor, passion, urgency.
It's probably difficult to see the distinction but domination as an action is annoying. Fervor and passion are best expressed in a dominating way with feeling.
That's why I said that passion should be smothering. Not controlling, per se. But loud enough and urgent enough so that it's felt in a prominent way!
John had the dominating personality that when I felt, it turned me on so so much. But he carried it too far into the act of dominating me and that was a turnoff!!
It's a turnon, not just that, but it makes sex hot. To be smothered by someone's passion. I don't like being dominated but I like aggressive passion.
The more imposing it is, the more it's apparent that it's passion. Like pinning someone against the wall, hard.
John was pretty ferocious in his passion, that's why I liked him, really. I don't like to make love. Although it's fair to say I can't be sure of what I like.
Domination means that you decide what happens, I hate it when guys don't allow me to decide what happens to my body, I don't play by other people's rules.
But when it's something simple like biting my neck or a little bit of man-handling, I need an aggressive touch, fervor, passion, urgency.
It's probably difficult to see the distinction but domination as an action is annoying. Fervor and passion are best expressed in a dominating way with feeling.
That's why I said that passion should be smothering. Not controlling, per se. But loud enough and urgent enough so that it's felt in a prominent way!
John had the dominating personality that when I felt, it turned me on so so much. But he carried it too far into the act of dominating me and that was a turnoff!!
Thursday, January 10, 2008
So I had this dream about meeting Dan... I guess we planned it beforehand and he came to pick me up in a car. At my house. Which is improbable but whatever. He also came with his mom, dad, sister and brother. I guess I was still packing a little bit so his brother and his dad went into my garage and since my dad does a lot of remodeling, there were two places where he had begun to build a door in the wall or whatever. One was really against a wall but the other was sort of traces into where some beams were, can't explain it better than that. In any case, the point is that his brother decided that he would make a door like two feet away from the door my dad had made on the beams. I think he actually took apart some beams and put them in a different place which is as easy as making cake in my dreams, so I had to stop him before he destroyed my dad's work some more. And then his dad had traced an outline of a door he wanted a couple feet from the door on the wall that my dad had traced. It'll make a lot more sense if you think of them as pencil outlines for where the door would be cut out. And he began to saw it or cut it a little but I stopped him before there was any damage.
Then I guess I went to the car, there was something about somebody's wedding and his little sister, I suppose, really thought the flower girl was cute and she mentioned it to me. See, I made Dan get out of the car because for some reason he wanted me to climb over him and sit on the opposite side of where I was and it didn't make sense to walk around to the other side, I'm not sure why, perhaps because his dad was on the other side because after Dan got out and I got in, I was between him and his dad.
So originally Dan was driving but in dreams, car interiors seem to reverse right underneath your bum, so there ended up being nobody in the driver's seat but we can't concern ourselves with that. All I remember is someone driving away from my house and I leaned my head on Dan's shoulder and then kissed him. Owing to the position it was a soft kiss. Ironically, the tonguing was soft but his teeth were sharp. In real life, I don't think he could have kissed me at all if I was snuggled into his neck but whatever. It was a good kiss. But then he got distracted, owing to the fact that he had to get out at somebody's wedding, who we'd just arrived at.
I don't even know what it was about, I guess I wasn't in the loop during the dream. He had to pretend something with Tiffany and then he might have had to do it again. And I wondered if him losing concentration on my kissing was his way of pulling away and preparing for somebody else because I wonder how that feels, to have feelings for more than one person and have to switch your emotions and concentration back and forth. Hell, I know what that feels like, and it's surprisingly not that bad. But in the dream, it was almost like his switching gears was like pulling up a poker face and get ready to lie. I suppose I can't explain it well enough because I don't even know what the hell he was going to do, I just know he had a responsibility to other women.
Pretty much the dream ended with his little sister commenting on the flower girl, and the only reason I mentioned it at the beginning of the dream is that at this point, it was like we were commenting again. Like we'd already seen her and she said, "look there she is again." kind of thing.
Dan's vibe is always slightly different, slightly foreign in dreams. I can still tell it's him but it really is like I'm meeting him anew. Which I would be and that's why it's accurate, he would have a foreign vibe in person, I just wonder if he'd have the same vibe in my dreams, I'd venture to say not. But oh well, I can enjoy them anyway.
I have other things on my mind though. John and his hypocrisy. I suppose I should be grateful... after my peptalk about just "going for it" with guys, instead of needing a guarantee that it's going to be a significant relationship... I did actually begin to go for it with John and Dan. Dan's always receptive. John is always jealous of Dan. Whatever. I don't need a possessive, controlling boyfriend anyway. Who does? I guess I suddenly went from only wanting to use John for sex, or a lesser rated sexual act like, say, heavy petting... to nearly sending him a message saying that I liked him. He got mad and I wanted to assure him that I like him and he should forget about Dan cause it's irrelevant and hypocritical while he's also got Lyla to even the score. But by the end of the message I was like What, the, fuck, am, I, fighting, for???? Seriously. So I finally convince John I like him and then what?
I don't know how that happened. Every time I thought of kissing him in my head I really only pictured us kissing and me using him specifically and exclusively for that. I wouldn't care if he went to Lyla's house right after. I just wanted some action. But then I fucked that up in my head. Before I could do anything about it, John and I fought a bit more over Dan. And the next day he said,
Then I guess I went to the car, there was something about somebody's wedding and his little sister, I suppose, really thought the flower girl was cute and she mentioned it to me. See, I made Dan get out of the car because for some reason he wanted me to climb over him and sit on the opposite side of where I was and it didn't make sense to walk around to the other side, I'm not sure why, perhaps because his dad was on the other side because after Dan got out and I got in, I was between him and his dad.
So originally Dan was driving but in dreams, car interiors seem to reverse right underneath your bum, so there ended up being nobody in the driver's seat but we can't concern ourselves with that. All I remember is someone driving away from my house and I leaned my head on Dan's shoulder and then kissed him. Owing to the position it was a soft kiss. Ironically, the tonguing was soft but his teeth were sharp. In real life, I don't think he could have kissed me at all if I was snuggled into his neck but whatever. It was a good kiss. But then he got distracted, owing to the fact that he had to get out at somebody's wedding, who we'd just arrived at.
I don't even know what it was about, I guess I wasn't in the loop during the dream. He had to pretend something with Tiffany and then he might have had to do it again. And I wondered if him losing concentration on my kissing was his way of pulling away and preparing for somebody else because I wonder how that feels, to have feelings for more than one person and have to switch your emotions and concentration back and forth. Hell, I know what that feels like, and it's surprisingly not that bad. But in the dream, it was almost like his switching gears was like pulling up a poker face and get ready to lie. I suppose I can't explain it well enough because I don't even know what the hell he was going to do, I just know he had a responsibility to other women.
Pretty much the dream ended with his little sister commenting on the flower girl, and the only reason I mentioned it at the beginning of the dream is that at this point, it was like we were commenting again. Like we'd already seen her and she said, "look there she is again." kind of thing.
Dan's vibe is always slightly different, slightly foreign in dreams. I can still tell it's him but it really is like I'm meeting him anew. Which I would be and that's why it's accurate, he would have a foreign vibe in person, I just wonder if he'd have the same vibe in my dreams, I'd venture to say not. But oh well, I can enjoy them anyway.
I have other things on my mind though. John and his hypocrisy. I suppose I should be grateful... after my peptalk about just "going for it" with guys, instead of needing a guarantee that it's going to be a significant relationship... I did actually begin to go for it with John and Dan. Dan's always receptive. John is always jealous of Dan. Whatever. I don't need a possessive, controlling boyfriend anyway. Who does? I guess I suddenly went from only wanting to use John for sex, or a lesser rated sexual act like, say, heavy petting... to nearly sending him a message saying that I liked him. He got mad and I wanted to assure him that I like him and he should forget about Dan cause it's irrelevant and hypocritical while he's also got Lyla to even the score. But by the end of the message I was like What, the, fuck, am, I, fighting, for???? Seriously. So I finally convince John I like him and then what?
I don't know how that happened. Every time I thought of kissing him in my head I really only pictured us kissing and me using him specifically and exclusively for that. I wouldn't care if he went to Lyla's house right after. I just wanted some action. But then I fucked that up in my head. Before I could do anything about it, John and I fought a bit more over Dan. And the next day he said,
So I had this dream about meeting Dan... I guess we planned it beforehand and he came to pick me up in a car. At my house. Which is improbable but whatever. He also came with his mom, dad, sister and brother. I guess I was still packing a little bit so his brother and his dad went into my garage and since my dad does a lot of remodeling, there were two places where he had begun to build a door in the wall or whatever. One was really against a wall but the other was sort of traces into where some beams were, can't explain it better than that. In any case, the point is that his brother decided that he would make a door like two feet away from the door my dad had made on the beams. I think he actually took apart some beams and put them in a different place which is as easy as making cake in my dreams, so I had to stop him before he destroyed my dad's work some more. And then his dad had traced an outline of a door he wanted a couple feet from the door on the wall that my dad had traced. It'll make a lot more sense if you think of them as pencil outlines for where the door would be cut out. And he began to saw it or cut it a little but I stopped him before there was any damage.
Then I guess I went to the car, there was something about somebody's wedding and his little sister, I suppose, really thought the flower girl was cute and she mentioned it to me. See, I made Dan get out of the car because for some reason he wanted me to climb over him and sit on the opposite side of where I was and it didn't make sense to walk around to the other side, I'm not sure why, perhaps because his dad was on the other side because after Dan got out and I got in, I was between him and his dad.
So originally Dan was driving but in dreams, car interiors seem to reverse right underneath your bum, so there ended up being nobody in the driver's seat but we can't concern ourselves with that. All I remember is someone driving away from my house and I leaned my head on Dan's shoulder and then kissed him. Owing to the position it was a soft kiss. Ironically, the tonguing was soft but his teeth were sharp. In real life, I don't think he could have kissed me at all if I was snuggled into his neck but whatever. It was a good kiss. But then he got distracted, owing to the fact that he had to get out at somebody's wedding, who we'd just arrived at.
I don't even know what it was about, I guess I wasn't in the loop during the dream. He had to pretend something with Tiffany and then he might have had to do it again. And I wondered if him losing concentration on my kissing was his way of pulling away and preparing for somebody else because I wonder how that feels, to have feelings for more than one person and have to switch your emotions and concentration back and forth. Hell, I know what that feels like, and it's surprisingly not that bad. But in the dream, it was almost like his switching gears was like pulling up a poker face and get ready to lie. I suppose I can't explain it well enough because I don't even know what the hell he was going to do, I just know he had a responsibility to other women.
Pretty much the dream ended with his little sister commenting on the flower girl, and the only reason I mentioned it at the beginning of the dream is that at this point, it was like we were commenting again. Like we'd already seen her and she said, "look there she is again." kind of thing.
Dan's vibe is always slightly different, slightly foreign in dreams. I can still tell it's him but it really is like I'm meeting him anew. Which I would be and that's why it's accurate, he would have a foreign vibe in person, I just wonder if he'd have the same vibe in my dreams, I'd venture to say not. But oh well, I can enjoy them anyway.
I have other things on my mind though. John and his hypocrisy. I suppose I should be grateful... after my peptalk about just "going for it" with guys, instead of needing a guarantee that it's going to be a significant relationship... I did actually begin to go for it with John and Dan. Dan's always receptive. John is always jealous of Dan. Whatever. I don't need a possessive, controlling boyfriend anyway. Who does? I guess I suddenly went from only wanting to use John for sex, or a lesser rated sexual act like, say, heavy petting... to nearly sending him a message saying that I liked him. He got mad and I wanted to assure him that I like him and he should forget about Dan cause it's irrelevant and hypocritical while he's also got Lyla to even the score. But by the end of the message I was like What, the, fuck, am, I, fighting, for???? Seriously. So I finally convince John I like him and then what?
I don't know how that happened. Every time I thought of kissing him in my head I really only pictured us kissing and me using him specifically and exclusively for that. I wouldn't care if he went to Lyla's house right after. I just wanted some action. But then I fucked that up in my head. Before I could do anything about it, John and I fought a bit more over Dan. And the next day he said,
bizzythekid1030 (12:07:25 am): lyla is asking me what happend between you and I
IAMSpartacus117 (12:07:32 am): eh?
IAMSpartacus117 (12:07:36 am): when?
bizzythekid1030 (12:07:41 am): at your house
IAMSpartacus117 (12:07:49 am): why is she asking now?
bizzythekid1030 (12:07:57 am): we got to talking about alot of things
IAMSpartacus117 (12:08:15 am): you can tell her how fantastic of an oatmeal cooker I am.
bizzythekid1030 (12:08:51 am): BizZyTheKiD1030 (12:08:25 AM): we made out and she made me oatmeal
IAMSpartacus117 (12:09:00 am): bah
IAMSpartacus117 (12:09:15 am): you forgot the heavy petting
bizzythekid1030 (12:09:24 am): hah
bizzythekid1030 (12:09:33 am): you know i was thinking last night
bizzythekid1030 (12:09:45 am): i really have no reason to be upset when you mention someone
IAMSpartacus117 (12:11:38 am): why?
bizzythekid1030 (12:12:20 am): you dont belong to me, we are friends
bizzythekid1030 (12:12:25 am): your life is yours to live
IAMSpartacus117 (12:12:30 am): and you have no feelings for me?
bizzythekid1030 (12:12:41 am): no i do, but its pointless
IAMSpartacus117 (12:13:53 am): why?
bizzythekid1030 (12:14:23 am): idk, like i cant see us in a relationship
IAMSpartacus117 (12:14:40 am): why?
bizzythekid1030 (12:14:55 am): look at how we argue
IAMSpartacus117 (12:15:01 am): ???
bizzythekid1030 (12:15:15 am): we get worked up about the smallest things
IAMSpartacus117 (12:15:24 am): that's exactly what couples do.
bizzythekid1030 (12:15:42 am): but we arent a couple
IAMSpartacus117 (12:18:11 am): okay well that's fine, because Dan and I are much closer than you and I.
bizzythekid1030 (12:18:35 am): ok?
IAMSpartacus117 (12:19:39 am): I mean that if I'm not involved with you I can devote myself to Dan. and if you're not involved with me you can devote yourself to Lyla, so it's better if we don't get involved.
IAMSpartacus117 (12:25:17 am): k, well I guess it's agreed, we'll be.. platonic.
bizzythekid1030 (12:25:36 am): sure
IAMSpartacus117 (12:25:37 am): I'm gonna play Rummy with Kristen so I'll talk to you some other time.
IAMSpartacus117 (12:25:39 am): ta.
bizzythekid1030 (12:25:40 am): k
I don't know what he meant by fighting, he said we got worked up but he really only meant that he gets jealous of Dan because he wants me, so he can't want me because he wants me, so we can't date because when he wants me he gets jealous.
That's my interpretation of his logic. But here's how I see it, if I'm horny, which I am, every second of every day, and I suppose I sort of like him, which I guess I wasn't putting into the equation until now... then we'll only end up hanging out and making out and it will end with him telling me he wants to stay with Lyla. But honestly, he just said that we'll never date even though he has feelings for me, which is his way of skipping a few steps and basically just telling me he wants to stay with Lyla.
There we go, problem solved.
So I don't get any action, which is a bummer. But whatever. I'm only sparing myself. He's only sparing me.
The day before I left we were talking about sex, I guess, and earlier on I told him that I was probably not going to have sex for a few years, except, I couldn't lie, if Dan came down in May. Which made John jealous so later on in the evening he asked me if I wanted to have sex with him and I told him that I was attracted to the idea but that doesn't mean I'd execute in a snap decision. Which is honestly the exact same thing for Dan. I'm not saying I WILL have sex with Dan next time I see him. I'm only saying that I will have the opportunity and I'm more likely to have sex when I have the opportunity than when I don't. Thus, I'm more likely to have sex. And since Dan and I are close, it's seems probable that we would want to get closer. That's the whole point of meeting up.
In any case, I think that John felt that I had already agreed to sleep with Dan but I was uncertain about sleeping with him. Which isn't really accurate but try telling him that. I guess I don't need to at this point. I need to let him go, but it's just so tempting to keep running around in this cycle.
It's insane. I thought it would be a productive idea to "go for it" with someone but WHO? JOHN AND DAN? John will never go for it with me, why was I even pretending he was serious with me, serious enough to get me to wonder if I was serious with him or not. Which I concluded that I should stop pretending I wasn't and "go for it". And Dan? Aren't we just doing over what we did last spring. Jen in the background, however prominent. Him and I loving each other but not being able to do anything to show it except express it, which really gets a bit repetitive if it's not leading to any other expression...
How is "going for it" in any way, shape, or form productive. I'm only back where I started in 2007. Back to repeat the same mistakes all over again. Because it's a mistake to get stuck. And that's what I'm doing. I'm hopping on the treadmill with the intention of moving forward, and I'll never make any forward movements. What am I supposed to do? Wait until I get a boyfriend from college? Again, a repeat of 2007, only we already know that I didn't get a boyfriend. It's too hard to make friends, it's too hard to find someone suitable to my needs.
I'm left with my attraction to John, and my love and compatibility with Dan. The first is out of the question cause he'll only leave me hanging. and the second can't get me anywhere if he lives in Michigan. Bah.
I didn't even get to bitch about how things are going with Kristen....
Then I guess I went to the car, there was something about somebody's wedding and his little sister, I suppose, really thought the flower girl was cute and she mentioned it to me. See, I made Dan get out of the car because for some reason he wanted me to climb over him and sit on the opposite side of where I was and it didn't make sense to walk around to the other side, I'm not sure why, perhaps because his dad was on the other side because after Dan got out and I got in, I was between him and his dad.
So originally Dan was driving but in dreams, car interiors seem to reverse right underneath your bum, so there ended up being nobody in the driver's seat but we can't concern ourselves with that. All I remember is someone driving away from my house and I leaned my head on Dan's shoulder and then kissed him. Owing to the position it was a soft kiss. Ironically, the tonguing was soft but his teeth were sharp. In real life, I don't think he could have kissed me at all if I was snuggled into his neck but whatever. It was a good kiss. But then he got distracted, owing to the fact that he had to get out at somebody's wedding, who we'd just arrived at.
I don't even know what it was about, I guess I wasn't in the loop during the dream. He had to pretend something with Tiffany and then he might have had to do it again. And I wondered if him losing concentration on my kissing was his way of pulling away and preparing for somebody else because I wonder how that feels, to have feelings for more than one person and have to switch your emotions and concentration back and forth. Hell, I know what that feels like, and it's surprisingly not that bad. But in the dream, it was almost like his switching gears was like pulling up a poker face and get ready to lie. I suppose I can't explain it well enough because I don't even know what the hell he was going to do, I just know he had a responsibility to other women.
Pretty much the dream ended with his little sister commenting on the flower girl, and the only reason I mentioned it at the beginning of the dream is that at this point, it was like we were commenting again. Like we'd already seen her and she said, "look there she is again." kind of thing.
Dan's vibe is always slightly different, slightly foreign in dreams. I can still tell it's him but it really is like I'm meeting him anew. Which I would be and that's why it's accurate, he would have a foreign vibe in person, I just wonder if he'd have the same vibe in my dreams, I'd venture to say not. But oh well, I can enjoy them anyway.
I have other things on my mind though. John and his hypocrisy. I suppose I should be grateful... after my peptalk about just "going for it" with guys, instead of needing a guarantee that it's going to be a significant relationship... I did actually begin to go for it with John and Dan. Dan's always receptive. John is always jealous of Dan. Whatever. I don't need a possessive, controlling boyfriend anyway. Who does? I guess I suddenly went from only wanting to use John for sex, or a lesser rated sexual act like, say, heavy petting... to nearly sending him a message saying that I liked him. He got mad and I wanted to assure him that I like him and he should forget about Dan cause it's irrelevant and hypocritical while he's also got Lyla to even the score. But by the end of the message I was like What, the, fuck, am, I, fighting, for???? Seriously. So I finally convince John I like him and then what?
I don't know how that happened. Every time I thought of kissing him in my head I really only pictured us kissing and me using him specifically and exclusively for that. I wouldn't care if he went to Lyla's house right after. I just wanted some action. But then I fucked that up in my head. Before I could do anything about it, John and I fought a bit more over Dan. And the next day he said,
bizzythekid1030 (12:07:25 am): lyla is asking me what happend between you and I
IAMSpartacus117 (12:07:32 am): eh?
IAMSpartacus117 (12:07:36 am): when?
bizzythekid1030 (12:07:41 am): at your house
IAMSpartacus117 (12:07:49 am): why is she asking now?
bizzythekid1030 (12:07:57 am): we got to talking about alot of things
IAMSpartacus117 (12:08:15 am): you can tell her how fantastic of an oatmeal cooker I am.
bizzythekid1030 (12:08:51 am): BizZyTheKiD1030 (12:08:25 AM): we made out and she made me oatmeal
IAMSpartacus117 (12:09:00 am): bah
IAMSpartacus117 (12:09:15 am): you forgot the heavy petting
bizzythekid1030 (12:09:24 am): hah
bizzythekid1030 (12:09:33 am): you know i was thinking last night
bizzythekid1030 (12:09:45 am): i really have no reason to be upset when you mention someone
IAMSpartacus117 (12:11:38 am): why?
bizzythekid1030 (12:12:20 am): you dont belong to me, we are friends
bizzythekid1030 (12:12:25 am): your life is yours to live
IAMSpartacus117 (12:12:30 am): and you have no feelings for me?
bizzythekid1030 (12:12:41 am): no i do, but its pointless
IAMSpartacus117 (12:13:53 am): why?
bizzythekid1030 (12:14:23 am): idk, like i cant see us in a relationship
IAMSpartacus117 (12:14:40 am): why?
bizzythekid1030 (12:14:55 am): look at how we argue
IAMSpartacus117 (12:15:01 am): ???
bizzythekid1030 (12:15:15 am): we get worked up about the smallest things
IAMSpartacus117 (12:15:24 am): that's exactly what couples do.
bizzythekid1030 (12:15:42 am): but we arent a couple
IAMSpartacus117 (12:18:11 am): okay well that's fine, because Dan and I are much closer than you and I.
bizzythekid1030 (12:18:35 am): ok?
IAMSpartacus117 (12:19:39 am): I mean that if I'm not involved with you I can devote myself to Dan. and if you're not involved with me you can devote yourself to Lyla, so it's better if we don't get involved.
IAMSpartacus117 (12:25:17 am): k, well I guess it's agreed, we'll be.. platonic.
bizzythekid1030 (12:25:36 am): sure
IAMSpartacus117 (12:25:37 am): I'm gonna play Rummy with Kristen so I'll talk to you some other time.
IAMSpartacus117 (12:25:39 am): ta.
bizzythekid1030 (12:25:40 am): k
I don't know what he meant by fighting, he said we got worked up but he really only meant that he gets jealous of Dan because he wants me, so he can't want me because he wants me, so we can't date because when he wants me he gets jealous.
That's my interpretation of his logic. But here's how I see it, if I'm horny, which I am, every second of every day, and I suppose I sort of like him, which I guess I wasn't putting into the equation until now... then we'll only end up hanging out and making out and it will end with him telling me he wants to stay with Lyla. But honestly, he just said that we'll never date even though he has feelings for me, which is his way of skipping a few steps and basically just telling me he wants to stay with Lyla.
There we go, problem solved.
So I don't get any action, which is a bummer. But whatever. I'm only sparing myself. He's only sparing me.
The day before I left we were talking about sex, I guess, and earlier on I told him that I was probably not going to have sex for a few years, except, I couldn't lie, if Dan came down in May. Which made John jealous so later on in the evening he asked me if I wanted to have sex with him and I told him that I was attracted to the idea but that doesn't mean I'd execute in a snap decision. Which is honestly the exact same thing for Dan. I'm not saying I WILL have sex with Dan next time I see him. I'm only saying that I will have the opportunity and I'm more likely to have sex when I have the opportunity than when I don't. Thus, I'm more likely to have sex. And since Dan and I are close, it's seems probable that we would want to get closer. That's the whole point of meeting up.
In any case, I think that John felt that I had already agreed to sleep with Dan but I was uncertain about sleeping with him. Which isn't really accurate but try telling him that. I guess I don't need to at this point. I need to let him go, but it's just so tempting to keep running around in this cycle.
It's insane. I thought it would be a productive idea to "go for it" with someone but WHO? JOHN AND DAN? John will never go for it with me, why was I even pretending he was serious with me, serious enough to get me to wonder if I was serious with him or not. Which I concluded that I should stop pretending I wasn't and "go for it". And Dan? Aren't we just doing over what we did last spring. Jen in the background, however prominent. Him and I loving each other but not being able to do anything to show it except express it, which really gets a bit repetitive if it's not leading to any other expression...
How is "going for it" in any way, shape, or form productive. I'm only back where I started in 2007. Back to repeat the same mistakes all over again. Because it's a mistake to get stuck. And that's what I'm doing. I'm hopping on the treadmill with the intention of moving forward, and I'll never make any forward movements. What am I supposed to do? Wait until I get a boyfriend from college? Again, a repeat of 2007, only we already know that I didn't get a boyfriend. It's too hard to make friends, it's too hard to find someone suitable to my needs.
I'm left with my attraction to John, and my love and compatibility with Dan. The first is out of the question cause he'll only leave me hanging. and the second can't get me anywhere if he lives in Michigan. Bah.
I didn't even get to bitch about how things are going with Kristen....
Monday, January 7, 2008
I like you, but you can't control me. You can't control my friendship with Dan. And you have no right to. I refuse to feel guilty about my honesty. And I would like you better if you weren't hypocritical. You may not recall all the times you've told me how much you love Lyla. You can't even tell me you like me without telling me how much you love Lyla in the same runon sentence. I guess we know why you're dating her and merely flirting with me.
Until that changes, I have every right to interact with Dan. I have every right to care about him and let him care about me. And I'm disappointed that I know somehow, no matter what self-righteous words I use to try to make your behavior better you're not going to give a damn about what's right, you'd rather dwell in your possessive jealousy. You don't even want me enough to actually possess me, i.e. as your girlfriend, so I really wish you'd realize your error of inconsistency and get over yourself.
The worst thing for me is when I realize the bullshit I'm fighting for.
Until that changes, I have every right to interact with Dan. I have every right to care about him and let him care about me. And I'm disappointed that I know somehow, no matter what self-righteous words I use to try to make your behavior better you're not going to give a damn about what's right, you'd rather dwell in your possessive jealousy. You don't even want me enough to actually possess me, i.e. as your girlfriend, so I really wish you'd realize your error of inconsistency and get over yourself.
The worst thing for me is when I realize the bullshit I'm fighting for.
Now I'm hurt If I talk about Dan even a tiny bit John gets all sullen and won't talk to me for the rest of the day. He just can't get over it. HIS STATUS SAYS "LILLY <3" RIGHT NOW AND I'M NOT SULLEN.
That's the dumb thing about relationships. You can work as hard as possible on all your problems but that still won't guarantee things will work cause the other person always has a stupid problem of their own, and one they're unwilling to work on, I might add.
That's the dumb thing about relationships. You can work as hard as possible on all your problems but that still won't guarantee things will work cause the other person always has a stupid problem of their own, and one they're unwilling to work on, I might add.
I think that I have an aversion to all things bad, like jealousy and rejection and betrayal, as anyone else does. But instead of being gullible, and trusting people to not put me in a situation where I have to choose between ignoring the obvious or otherwise feeling pain... I have to protect myself. Perhaps when I said that I wasn't afraid of pain I actually meant that I wasn't afraid of anyone else hurting me because I knew they couldn't do it, I protect myself too well.
It comes from not being close to people and not caring. I don't need people, so as soon as I feel the dark cloud of pain heading in my direction, I rationalize not caring about someone. Every time I see something about Lyla that John has put somewhere on his myspace, whether in a picture or a status update or an away message... I tell myself not to care about him, before the fact that I do care about him can make me jealous and betrayed and insecure because he obviously loves Lyla, and more than me. So I tell myself not to want him. And then I don't.
I have to stop running away from pain.
If I decide to be risky enough to jump out of the plane, i.e. allow things with John or Dan to take their natural course, I can't bail out at any sign of pain. I have to take what comes with these decisions. Which means that I have to make these decisions knowing full well that I may have to suck up the jealousy of both guys having feelings for someone else, and little should that matter to me since both guys know I have feelings for the other guy. What comes around goes around. or what goes around comes around. Both. For them and for me.
But the idea of putting myself through that, of thinking that far ahead makes me say Fuck it. Fuck commitment cause truly, I don't need them. I don't need friends and lovers. Okay, so I think about sex every single minute of every single day with a passion that can just be described in a thousand artistic, articulate ways to make you understand the depth and strength of it...
But I don't need a lover.
*sigh* How can I make myself want to put up with this shit? I don't want to trust anybody, who needs it? It's fool hearty or is it foolhardy? One of the two. It's dumb, in any case. I shouldn't have to depend on another person to put their own wants and needs aside so that they can keep my emotional body undisturbed.
But I want my emotional body undisturbed, who doesn't? And since I'm so content with being a hermit, it seems like the best thing to do is just be a hermit, and thus, not give anyone access to the pool of my emotions, they can't stir the waters - everyone's happy. Except those guys who I have to keep turning down (and girls too) but they'll move on... Most of them do.
Meh.
It comes from not being close to people and not caring. I don't need people, so as soon as I feel the dark cloud of pain heading in my direction, I rationalize not caring about someone. Every time I see something about Lyla that John has put somewhere on his myspace, whether in a picture or a status update or an away message... I tell myself not to care about him, before the fact that I do care about him can make me jealous and betrayed and insecure because he obviously loves Lyla, and more than me. So I tell myself not to want him. And then I don't.
I have to stop running away from pain.
If I decide to be risky enough to jump out of the plane, i.e. allow things with John or Dan to take their natural course, I can't bail out at any sign of pain. I have to take what comes with these decisions. Which means that I have to make these decisions knowing full well that I may have to suck up the jealousy of both guys having feelings for someone else, and little should that matter to me since both guys know I have feelings for the other guy. What comes around goes around. or what goes around comes around. Both. For them and for me.
But the idea of putting myself through that, of thinking that far ahead makes me say Fuck it. Fuck commitment cause truly, I don't need them. I don't need friends and lovers. Okay, so I think about sex every single minute of every single day with a passion that can just be described in a thousand artistic, articulate ways to make you understand the depth and strength of it...
But I don't need a lover.
*sigh* How can I make myself want to put up with this shit? I don't want to trust anybody, who needs it? It's fool hearty or is it foolhardy? One of the two. It's dumb, in any case. I shouldn't have to depend on another person to put their own wants and needs aside so that they can keep my emotional body undisturbed.
But I want my emotional body undisturbed, who doesn't? And since I'm so content with being a hermit, it seems like the best thing to do is just be a hermit, and thus, not give anyone access to the pool of my emotions, they can't stir the waters - everyone's happy. Except those guys who I have to keep turning down (and girls too) but they'll move on... Most of them do.
Meh.
I hate not being with Isis for a week. She's developing. So it's like, each week, she develops and when you miss ten days, and then sneak one day in there and then miss six days... you see her again and she's got all this developments you didn't know about. It's like she's changed only really it's just that she's grown. And then you feel like you're missing out because you are. *sigh*
Sunday, January 6, 2008
I think I've dated a lot of different guys in my dreams these past few years. I take all kinds of random people from school and use them for my romantic fantasies that symbolize who knows what. But now I'm inventing guys that I don't know. And they're all so appealing. I can't explain why, they just appeal to my in my dreams, inexplicably. I had one about a week ago about some imaginary guy. Can't even remember it now. I had one last night, I think it was about Johnny from The OC. He could do sign language and it was a huge turn on. And we were hanging out, or making out or something, when the deaf girl from The L Word called me from my house, she was upset that everybody had left her and she trashed my room. And I was asking her why, you see, she can talk even though it sounds pretty retarded, because she can't hear her own voice. And she can read lips, but obviously, she can't hear. So I hung up on her cause she was bitching and I couldn't get a word in that she'd understand and I was like gah it's useless talking to a deaf girl on the phone. So then she showed up where we were, I guess, and I was trying to avoid her....
and that was basically my dream. I woke up sometime around then.
and that was basically my dream. I woke up sometime around then.
I'm glad I got to talk to Dan today. I love him so much. And now I can handle the suffering of bleeding all over the place. Seriously, I can't cope with the harsh world when I'm on my period, I immediately break down. It's better when I don't have cramps, which I don't anymore but I did this morning while I was worried.
I really shouldn't immerse myself in tv shows. It makes reality difficult, because the way things make sense for the reality of the show, gets pulled into my mind and then when I'm trying to understand this reality I use that sense and I know that's not good.
That's the best way I can explain it.
John just called. A bit inconsiderate, I didn't answer because it wasn't a number I recognized, because he was on Felix's phone and he didn't remember my cell phone number, just my house.
Apparently, getting guys to call me and woo me in the middle of the night is the way my life is going right now. Perhaps it's because I told John this morning that Dan calls me in the middle of the night and woos me... that he felt he needed to step up. But he seemed really bothered by the fact that he was very rude to me this morning, owing to the fact that he hates me talking about Dan, and he called to apologize for it.
Dan and John both hate each other for seemingly inexplicable reasons. But of course it's very explicable. Both of them are intimidated by each other. John thinks he can't match up to Dan probably because I always made it clear that I loved Dan very much even if I didn't always want to be with him. And Dan is probably intimidated by John because he actually has a realistic chance to be with me, at least physically, since he won't break up with Lyla. And the phone call didn't change that.
I can't get this smirk off my face. I hate that I smirk but it's the reaction I get when I'm nervous.
I guess I'm nervous because I'm not ready to jump in with either of them. Dan seems more ready to be with me than ever before, and I'm elated that after a year of being involved with him he's finally stopped all the bullshit, despite the fact that he just slept with Jen a couple days ago.
But I'm not riddled with jealousy. I don't think I'm jealous of either of them. I'm slightly detached. That's why I'm nervous.
But you know, I liked that Dan was telling me all about his exes and the sex he's had in the past. Because I've been thinking about what I'm going to do if something happens between John and I. Do I tell Dan? It's unfair not to tell him. Omission is betrayal. But it's not going to make him happy to hear about it.
I'm not one of those people who tries to tell someone something to see if it makes them jealous. I do tell people things that could make them jealous but not for that purpose. I like to test people to see how much truth they can take. This is the most important thing I'll say during this entire entry so take me seriously, I do not believe in basing a relationship or friendship on lies. I don't believe in basing a life on lies. I believe in facing the truth. I can't tell you how much I would prefer to be hurt but honest with myself, than be saved from pain. Pain ends, pain moves on and heals. Foolishness is a much worse thing. I've been afraid of foolishness all my life. Deathly afraid.
That's real pain for me, that's something I want to avoid. Not heartache. Dan told me that he thought I wasn't getting involved with him because I was afraid he'd hurt me again, but that's not it at all. I'm not afraid of heartache. Emotions are so trivial. I try to make sense of the fact that we base so much on emotions, but I can't seem to. All I know is that it's one thing to allow emotions to bring you happiness, joy and love, it's another to let emotions bring you anger, sadness, resentment, jealousy, pain, depression.
I just simply refuse to let any of those emotions take any real precedence. It's not life that makes everything go awry, it's our reactions to life - and our reactions are generally driven by the wild force we call emotions.
So, no, while emotions will always be a part of my life, whether I like it or not, I can't say that the fear of pain is what keeps me from Dan.
But back to the truth issue. Because I'm someone who can face the truth, I like to be with people who can face the truth. I fucking hate the pressure of having to shield somebody from the truth. It makes me a little reckless with their feelings because I care very little for people's feelings. I've already explained that I don't give emotions very much respect. If anything, they're just tools to serve a deeper purpose, and I like to dig as deep as I can until I can understand the root of the purpose emotions serve. Cut out the freakin middle man, as far as I'm concerned.
So, I like to say things that I know will hurt people, because I want them to take it, I want them to be able to handle the truth. I don't want to feel like I have to be a liar just to keep them emotionally balanced. The truth is? I'm involved with both Dan and John. And both of them should get over their stupid emotion-driven problems with this truth and face up to it.
Since Dan was telling me all about his exploits, I told him that it was only fair I could then tell him about my exploits - and that took a load off my shoulders because now I don't have to be afraid to keep secrets.
However, I don't wish to rub salt on the wound. It makes it a little hard to say what I have to say in here knowing that Dan will probably read this. And yet, the only reason I'm writing at all is because Dan reads it. Not specifically because of who he is, I'm not directing this at him. It's that I need to know this is being read at all. I get bored talking to myself, it motivates me to know I have an audience. I'm in a Catch 22. If Dan reads this I can't quite say all that I want to say but if he doesn't read this I won't say anything at all.
Last night I read Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. It was the best book ever. It just spoke to me. I loved that I could hear two voices. That instead of being an observer with little knowledge as to what a character feels, as we do in movies - or on the rare occasion being an observer into the mind of one character - as sometimes happens in movies and happens in books all the time... this time it was nice to be an observer into the minds of both characters. And not only did I get to understand both minds but I got to understand both perspectives of the same incident.
It went back and forth during one single night, detailing and analyzing all the thoughts and feelings and reactions that each character was having to everything that went on between them. It was amazing.
When I think of being with somebody, that's what I think of. Not being either Nick or Norah but having that view into both of them. I understand myself the way the authors made the character's understand themselves. It's not that they could really make sense of what they felt, they kind of followed along, but it's that they had such complex feelings. They allowed themselves to recognize, I shouldn't have used the word understand, it's that they recognized their feelings. That's what they were doing, narrating, so that we could also see what how they felt.
It was just perfect. And not only perfect because of how I could relate realistically but also with how I could relate idealistically. It had my idealistic fantasy come true. Chemistry. Chemistry is amazing. Chemistry is usually when you feel that you're in sync with somebody, that you're on the same path, heading in the same direction. You connect. But I learned, from being with John, that there's something inexplicably satisfying that can happen. I don't know what heading to put it under so that's why it goes along with chemistry.
It's what happened when John fell asleep in my arms, incidentally because he lied about getting any sleep that night, but I forgive him because while he was sleeping I snuggled into him and even though I can't understand why it happened, I can recognize that it happened at all and what significance it has. It was just the way our bodies melted so that they fit together to make one solid object with no spaces between us. That's how I would explain it even though realistically, there was probably still space and air between our flesh. It's just that I could feel, as I adjusted my body so that it fit more comfortably against his, that my emotions were kind of... sinking. Sinking into place as my body was. I guess it feels like sinking because I moved downward. And I felt relaxed and comfortable, not just physically but emotionally.
It felt nice, and that's an understatement. Even though he was sleeping and he didn't feel it, that's kind of what I feel when we're kissing too. Like the chemistry isn't necessarily about how we are in sync with each other but just how I feel in sync with him and that's why it was still happening while he was passed out.
I asked him last night how he felt about our chemistry, he says he agrees that we have a lot of chemistry but I was disappointed by the answer because I kind of wanted to hear into his mind play by play, like I could during the book. It was like every moment, every look, every touch, every kiss, every word - was recognized for its significance to each character. I'm like that too. I like to analyze the moments. The small details, what significance they individually hold. Ironically, how they soothe or please my emotions in one way or another. I know it's hypocritical of me to now like what my emotions can give me but when they make me feel good it's hard to deny them, the only reason anyone would is that they know that good can easily go bad so if I give my emotions power than they will ultimately make me unhappy.
But I know that's not true. I mean, I know that I can allow my emotions to serve my purpose, hypocritical as it sounds. It doesn't make sense to let emotions rule you, so I decide when I want to allow them to make their mark. And when they make me happy I let them. And when they make me sad, I fight them off. I'm still interested in why they make me happy when they make me happy, because there's a deeper purpose to it, but I also can't resist enjoying that they make me happy. It keeps me going.
I think that's it with John. I feel guilty because he just gave me a love call (instead of a love letter) and now I'm saying that I really don't care about him despite that chemistry. But it's true, it's not that I don't enjoy him or care about him. It's just that, that's the only reason I'd date him, is so I can get another taste of that chemistry.
I don't know if that's even realistic.... for so many reasons.
As for Dan? Jeez. I don't even know what to say. I didn't expect him to be like this. He's kind of serious. This whole past year we have always talked about ourselves in such a hypothetical manner. Like we were never a reality, only a fantasy. How we felt for each other, could never be put to good use, except in that fantasy. And now, my impression is that he's surpassed the fantasy and he's actually, seriously, trying to make us a reality. It's scary for me.
Perhaps I allowed myself to get so close to him because I knew we were only a fantasy. I denied that way back when, because I did try to go out to see him, but when I felt like it could happen I'd get scared. And that whole year never felt like this. The vibe he gives off now is so much more real. It's like - damnet, I can't think of a good metaphor. Or simile, since I used the word like. It seems like such an insignificant difference.
It just seems like I'm feeling us in a new light, a more distinguished light. Like the resolution of the picture is higher than it was before. There, that's my simile. It was kind of vague and blurry before and now it's getting clearer and I'm paused... uncertain.
Last night I told John I felt like I was in limbo. In a bigger sense, I'm feeling like I'm in limbo because of John and Dan, because I don't want to let either of them go completely, I still fantasize about being with one or the other every once in a while. And yet, I don't want to commit to either of them either. Now, just so you know, when I said that in my head the first "either" was pronounced I-thur and the second was pronounced E-thur. Just so it doesn't sound so redundant...
Anyway, I felt especially in limbo because that damn book just sparked thought. I read 100 pages without hesitation and then I put it down for one second to answer the IM John had sent me and then I couldn't pick the book back up because I felt like I needed to think about my life. It inspired some deep thinking. When you think about how deep it was, it wasn't actually that deep or serious or important, but it felt significant to me at the time. I really was in limbo. I couldn't move on, and that's why I couldn't pick up the book and get reading again. I had to give these thoughts some time, I had to allow them to sort through themselves.
So I talked to John about chemistry and then I listened to Dan rant, if that's not too negative of a word, about how much he loves me... and about all his ex girlfriends. Ha ha.
But it still doesn't change the fact that I can't commit to anyone. I'm not the type who can try things out that won't work. I don't like wasting my life. You know what I mean? Like Crystal Burger dating a million guys. Every week it was a new guy. So each relationship was obviously pointless, a complete waste. She obviously had no real or significant bond with any of them.
It's like, I pressure myself on being with anyone because I don't want to waste my time on insignificant experiences, I want to make sure that everything I do means something to me. It means that I have very high expectations and we all know that those two words never make good ingredients.
But there you are. That's my opinion about why I can't commit. Ironically, I have only said yes to about 1 out of 10 of every guy who has asked me out. Every once in a blue moon I just felt the need to say yes but most of the time I just knew to say no. But really, all the guys I said yes to ended up only lasting a week or less anyway. I lasted three months with Erick but that was sort of long distance and he was cheating on me with someone closer to home. I lasted a month with Lindstrom but he was only interested in Shannon. Mike and Miguel were the only ones who meant anything to me. Ironically, they have the same name. I don't know what it is about that name. Considering it was my first crush's name and the guy I lost my virginity to and my last name and all that good stuff.
Maybe I should find out what significance it has in numerology.
In any case... all the other guys, and I've probably dated about ten others - for all of five seconds, before they dumped me. Okay, once or twice I dumped them. But the point is, I had all those insignificant relationships. To the point where if I count up my exes I have to hesitate when I say, hey, were those five seconds really a relationship? I may as well merely be counting all the times I said "yes," whatever significance that holds.
Maybe I have to learn not to be afraid of wasting my time. It's really like prom. I always felt like prom was a waste but a lot of people see it as the best night of their life. And it takes so much intense planning and a lot of money too. And I just felt like it was pretty stupid, it was all about high expectations, having the perfect night. SAME WITH A WEDDING. I just remembered. It seemed pointless to me, I think, because they were both individually only one night. Seems like a lot of planning for merely a few hours.
But I should learn from my aversion to those high expectations because that's how I live my life. Not doing things that I know won't meet my expectations and thus, won't have any point. I need to just be spontaneous. I have not profited from that, as you see, most of the guys who I randomly said yes to, didn't work out. And that one time I hopped in the car in the middle of the night to go drive around Hudson with John it turned out horrible.
But I can't let myself be scared away that easily... can I?
I just can't seem to make myself hook up with somebody if I think it won't work. Why make a wasted effort?
WHY NOT?
That's what I should be asking myself. Who cares if I waste my efforts? To be honest, all future is in essence waste because it only holds significance for the moment it's experienced. That's why we use sentiment. If things did not have sentimental value, then the past would be a waste, and thus, the future would be a waste because it would only soon turn into the past.
But that's what life is about. It's about heading straight towards the future, knowing it will only shortly be the present and it will quickly turn into the past - never to be touched again, save through a vague memory. I hate that my memory is vague. It makes me so mad. That's why I write, so I can preserve memories. That's why I take pictures and videos, to preserve the memories. It still slips away despite my best efforts. And I beat myself up so much when I don't take enough or any pictures or I'm too lazy to write about my experiences. I know they will then be lost and forgotten, my memory can't preserve my experiences for me.
I need to just jump into future experiences, despite the fact that a lot of them will be a waste. I may not enjoy myself, I may not get along with someone. I simply may waste my time. But when I don't waste my time, the still end up in the same place. It sounds like I'm saying, why make a big deal about what I eat or how I eat it or how many different foods I let mush together before putting in my mouth, because they all end up in the same place in the end. That is the perfect metaphor for experiences. Perfect.
In that case, it wouldn't make a difference whether they tasted good or bad, because the pleasure would be fleeting or the pain would be fleeting - except for a vague aftertaste, right?
But instead of getting depressed and saying, what's the point? I may as well turn it around and say, what's the point of having any point?
Truth be told, there is a point. I know I just said there was no point to having any point but that's because the first point was in disguise for emptiness. It had no realistic point. So therefore it was pointless. Truth be told there is a point.
I love to learn about myself. I love to experience my humanness. Just like that book. I love to dissect the moments and recognize them for what they are, in such distinctiveness. Life is so distinct. Experiences, emotions, thoughts etc, they are all so distinct to me. My perspective is distinct. That's why I'm so picky, because I see things as distinct - and then I put a lot of significance in the words "good" and "bad". Perhaps I shouldn't...
But I like that things are distinct. That's how they mean something. They mean something because they're exciting. Edgar Allen Poe said, about The Raven, that his usage of poetic devices were not unique. But it was his combination of them that was unique. He used many different poetical devices. When one person would just use one poetic device for the whole poem, with no variations... he would use many and create his own style. The basic building blocks will never be unique. They're available to us all. And sometimes even the art that is created through the basic building blocks is still not unique. But we can only try to have our own combinations to keep things fresh and exciting.
If I were to not understand the distinctions of my experiences, then I would be forced to either get bored, or find emotional significance in things and thus try to recreate "good times". I learned when I was very young that the best times were not planned and could never be repeated.
To me, life means something because each experience is filled with myself. I get to experience my humanity in each experience. It's not what I do, it's who I am while I do it. Usually, that's even a significant part of what makes an experience good or bad anyway. People enjoy what can make them enjoy themselves. People pick partners who they can say, "I like who I am when I'm with you." I didn't like that spontaneous adventure with John because I felt helpless, powerless and that's not my favorite feeling. I like to be big and strong and powerful. I like to be confident and proud of my power. I like to know, in a situation, that I'm impressing everybody with the powerful vibrations I'm giving off.
God, I have to stop blaming everybody else for being intimidated by me, because we all know that's what I want.
I couldn't be proud of my power. I was a victim of the circumstances. I was cold and I couldn't help it. I was hungry and I couldn't help it. I was lost and I couldn't help it. I couldn't help that I couldn't see out of the damn window with all the what's it called caked on the windows... the steam or whatnot. And it was not so easy to let go since I was doing it all in front of John. It's not that I felt embarrassed. I'm not weak enough to be upset when someone has seen me be powerless - I usually only get embarrassed when I'm ashamed of something. And like I said, I refuse to be so dependent on pride that I will be ashamed of who I am when I don't have it.
You probably wouldn't understand the distinction of what I just said unless you'd felt the distinction as clearly as I have. But the point is, I wasn't embarrassed but I also was not enjoying myself. I guess you could say that it's a plus. I like who I am, even if I don't have a lot of power. But when I'm with people, I get so much pleasure out of impressing and intimidating them. It makes me feel damn good, the pride, of knowing that they can feel my greatness - to put it simply.
And we all know how human of me it is to say that, even if it's not admirable.
I guess it's also a little sad. It's sad that I see no point in being around people unless I can impress them. I suppose that I except myself, but I fear that others won't except me unless I'm great. I can't comprehend being with someone without knowing that they'll like something special about me. And it makes sense, you have to admit. I know that it's essential for me to love myself. I know that I need to except what makes me an "I". But not everybody else does. There's no reason that anybody else should except myself or like myself half as much as I do. It's rare to have people who care about you. Meaning, of the millions of people on this Earth, we're destined to only have a few who we mean anything to.
So when I think about the few who I'll mean something to, I feel like it should be because of my greatness. It should be because I'm beautiful or smart or I make them happy or something. And why shouldn't that make sense?
I feel like we weren't meant to have any significance to each other except for what others serve for ourselves. It's not a fact that we love someone. We're not born with the destiny to love someone and be meant to be with them the way we usually like to think when we think of soul mates or "one true love". We're meant to be with people and care about people to learn something about ourselves, to grow, to advance...
Although, that should make me realize that it doesn't matter how much greatness I am, in any manner - because that's not what dictates why someone is attracted to me. They don't consciously decide to be with me because I'm more beautiful than somebody else. Even if they did, the reason I would appeal to them that way would be something deeper. It's not an objective truth, beauty. It's a subjective interpretation. We make it true, that someone is beautiful, by interpreting them as such, or interpreting ourselves as such.
So really, I'll appeal to those who my presence in their lives can serve and teach....
But I find it nearly impossible to comprehend not trying to show off my greatness. Maybe someday I'll get there. But right now it seems so unlikely.
Did I get sidetracked? Can you say, tangent? Actually it took me a minute to think of the word, I kept thinking Tantrum????????
But let's see where I got sidetracked.... well okay, maybe I didn't. I was following a logical thought process. But back to square one, the point of it all. John and Dan. The ironic thing is I'm sitting here trying to get myself to a point where I can commit and I can't even commit to either of them. Even if I could commit to Dan I'd have to wait until we lived near each other. And I can't commit to John until he wants to commit to me.
It's laughable. I may as well run around in circles. It's like that with Kristen too. She proposes things to me and I feel like UH OH, SHE LIKES ME AND I DON'T LIKE HER BACK, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?? But then we'll hang out and I'll have avoided the subject and before I know it, she'll have brushed it off and suddenly she makes it known that it wasn't really a serious subject and then I have nothing to worry about.
The guys both like me, I freak out because I can't commit, but once I can commit I realize there was no reason to freak out because I wouldn't have to commit anyway, it's not close to happening.
But I can't leave either of them hanging, they're both talking to me about it a lot more. I have to understand how I feel about them both and what that means, so I'm glad I made progress.
What progress did I make? I feel more able to commit, at least until the high wears off. Sometimes I get in a daring mood, ready to jump out of a plane, take a risk, you know. But it sometimes wears off if I don't act on it and then I sleep and things reset when I wake up in the morning, I'm back to being a chickenshit. I'll have to remember my logic about wasting my time. And fight all the other things that I've just remembered are keeping me in the way of embracing somebody.
mmmgh I'm tired so very suddenly.
I like making out. I don't like John's lips. :( They're too big. Mike's lips were smaller. I can't kiss John's lips the way I can kiss Mike's and I'm hungry for the way I used to do it. But you can't have everything. At least not at the same time. I couldn't enjoy Mike's kisses when he didn't have as much passion as John does. So I need John's passion and Mike's lips and John's neck biting.... cause Mike was seriously lacking that. It all comes down to me wanting Mike's skin but not what's inside and vice versa with John.
Damnet.
...
I like John's personality. But just not how it expresses itself in the choices he makes. Gah I could say the same for Dan. I don't like what his life represents of his personality. My parents see his life and think that it accurately expressed his personality but I don't think it does. I never thought it does. I didn't even think his actions represented his personality. To be fair, they must definitely represent his psyche. But that's different. I can't be bothered with his psyche. It's not my job to be bothered. Psyche is the best word I can think of besides psychology, perhaps that's what pathology means. His deeper issues, really. His life represents his deeper issues and they're not good. His actions represent his deeper issues and again they're not good.
But that hardly concerns me unless it conflicts with what I want out of life, which it may, but we haven't gotten married yet so I don't have to think about those things, enjoy the moment, eh? And the moment is his personality. I like his personality. I think that because his life reflects something so negative that my parents think that's all there is to him, this negativity. His life doesn't represent his positive aspects, that's what I experience within his personality. And I value the positive things I've seen because I honestly haven't seen very many of them in any other people - even people who don't have such negative psychological issues being broadcasted within their actions and the their life.
And I like John too. His sincerity speaks to me. I hate it because it seems to contradict him so much sometimes. But I don't actually feel like he's a liar. He's conflicted, if anything, but not a liar. He's not pretending to be sincere, it's just that not all of him is sincere, or in accordance to that sincerity. Some of himself is conflicted with what I like of him. I just don't know who wins these small battles, or the bigger battle. If I were to get involved with John, who would I be getting involved with? It's like an arm wrestling match and I just don't know who is going to be the strongest in the end... Who would I end up with? Whose will is strong enough to beat the other and thus make the decisions?
It seems like, so far, his sincerity has been losing. I see it, but it doesn't seem to be active. Or perhaps it's not so much that it's sincerity verses nonsincerity. It's actually that he's sincere about conflicting or contradictory things. Like he's sincere about loving Lyla as well as being sincere that he loves me. The fact that he wants to break up with Lyla should contradict that he loves her sincerely but it doesn't seem to.
I may not have explained that as it made sense in my head, but I'm too exhausted to try again.
It's because I was on a groove and then I remembered something else about him that added a new light to what I was saying so I should have needed to start my whole story over again to add in the new evidence that gave it a new light but I tried to patch it up in the end instead of begin anew. I hate it when that happens.
I feel good about this journal entry. I feel like I've been really honest and straightforward. Perhaps I've felt a little shady lately, what with dodging Kristen, John and Dan's feelings for me and fighting with Amelia - I haven't had any honesty and straightforwardness lately..
and Dan just called and ruined my high, thanks.
That's the best way I can explain it.
John just called. A bit inconsiderate, I didn't answer because it wasn't a number I recognized, because he was on Felix's phone and he didn't remember my cell phone number, just my house.
Apparently, getting guys to call me and woo me in the middle of the night is the way my life is going right now. Perhaps it's because I told John this morning that Dan calls me in the middle of the night and woos me... that he felt he needed to step up. But he seemed really bothered by the fact that he was very rude to me this morning, owing to the fact that he hates me talking about Dan, and he called to apologize for it.
Dan and John both hate each other for seemingly inexplicable reasons. But of course it's very explicable. Both of them are intimidated by each other. John thinks he can't match up to Dan probably because I always made it clear that I loved Dan very much even if I didn't always want to be with him. And Dan is probably intimidated by John because he actually has a realistic chance to be with me, at least physically, since he won't break up with Lyla. And the phone call didn't change that.
I can't get this smirk off my face. I hate that I smirk but it's the reaction I get when I'm nervous.
I guess I'm nervous because I'm not ready to jump in with either of them. Dan seems more ready to be with me than ever before, and I'm elated that after a year of being involved with him he's finally stopped all the bullshit, despite the fact that he just slept with Jen a couple days ago.
But I'm not riddled with jealousy. I don't think I'm jealous of either of them. I'm slightly detached. That's why I'm nervous.
But you know, I liked that Dan was telling me all about his exes and the sex he's had in the past. Because I've been thinking about what I'm going to do if something happens between John and I. Do I tell Dan? It's unfair not to tell him. Omission is betrayal. But it's not going to make him happy to hear about it.
I'm not one of those people who tries to tell someone something to see if it makes them jealous. I do tell people things that could make them jealous but not for that purpose. I like to test people to see how much truth they can take. This is the most important thing I'll say during this entire entry so take me seriously, I do not believe in basing a relationship or friendship on lies. I don't believe in basing a life on lies. I believe in facing the truth. I can't tell you how much I would prefer to be hurt but honest with myself, than be saved from pain. Pain ends, pain moves on and heals. Foolishness is a much worse thing. I've been afraid of foolishness all my life. Deathly afraid.
That's real pain for me, that's something I want to avoid. Not heartache. Dan told me that he thought I wasn't getting involved with him because I was afraid he'd hurt me again, but that's not it at all. I'm not afraid of heartache. Emotions are so trivial. I try to make sense of the fact that we base so much on emotions, but I can't seem to. All I know is that it's one thing to allow emotions to bring you happiness, joy and love, it's another to let emotions bring you anger, sadness, resentment, jealousy, pain, depression.
I just simply refuse to let any of those emotions take any real precedence. It's not life that makes everything go awry, it's our reactions to life - and our reactions are generally driven by the wild force we call emotions.
So, no, while emotions will always be a part of my life, whether I like it or not, I can't say that the fear of pain is what keeps me from Dan.
But back to the truth issue. Because I'm someone who can face the truth, I like to be with people who can face the truth. I fucking hate the pressure of having to shield somebody from the truth. It makes me a little reckless with their feelings because I care very little for people's feelings. I've already explained that I don't give emotions very much respect. If anything, they're just tools to serve a deeper purpose, and I like to dig as deep as I can until I can understand the root of the purpose emotions serve. Cut out the freakin middle man, as far as I'm concerned.
So, I like to say things that I know will hurt people, because I want them to take it, I want them to be able to handle the truth. I don't want to feel like I have to be a liar just to keep them emotionally balanced. The truth is? I'm involved with both Dan and John. And both of them should get over their stupid emotion-driven problems with this truth and face up to it.
Since Dan was telling me all about his exploits, I told him that it was only fair I could then tell him about my exploits - and that took a load off my shoulders because now I don't have to be afraid to keep secrets.
However, I don't wish to rub salt on the wound. It makes it a little hard to say what I have to say in here knowing that Dan will probably read this. And yet, the only reason I'm writing at all is because Dan reads it. Not specifically because of who he is, I'm not directing this at him. It's that I need to know this is being read at all. I get bored talking to myself, it motivates me to know I have an audience. I'm in a Catch 22. If Dan reads this I can't quite say all that I want to say but if he doesn't read this I won't say anything at all.
Last night I read Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. It was the best book ever. It just spoke to me. I loved that I could hear two voices. That instead of being an observer with little knowledge as to what a character feels, as we do in movies - or on the rare occasion being an observer into the mind of one character - as sometimes happens in movies and happens in books all the time... this time it was nice to be an observer into the minds of both characters. And not only did I get to understand both minds but I got to understand both perspectives of the same incident.
It went back and forth during one single night, detailing and analyzing all the thoughts and feelings and reactions that each character was having to everything that went on between them. It was amazing.
When I think of being with somebody, that's what I think of. Not being either Nick or Norah but having that view into both of them. I understand myself the way the authors made the character's understand themselves. It's not that they could really make sense of what they felt, they kind of followed along, but it's that they had such complex feelings. They allowed themselves to recognize, I shouldn't have used the word understand, it's that they recognized their feelings. That's what they were doing, narrating, so that we could also see what how they felt.
It was just perfect. And not only perfect because of how I could relate realistically but also with how I could relate idealistically. It had my idealistic fantasy come true. Chemistry. Chemistry is amazing. Chemistry is usually when you feel that you're in sync with somebody, that you're on the same path, heading in the same direction. You connect. But I learned, from being with John, that there's something inexplicably satisfying that can happen. I don't know what heading to put it under so that's why it goes along with chemistry.
It's what happened when John fell asleep in my arms, incidentally because he lied about getting any sleep that night, but I forgive him because while he was sleeping I snuggled into him and even though I can't understand why it happened, I can recognize that it happened at all and what significance it has. It was just the way our bodies melted so that they fit together to make one solid object with no spaces between us. That's how I would explain it even though realistically, there was probably still space and air between our flesh. It's just that I could feel, as I adjusted my body so that it fit more comfortably against his, that my emotions were kind of... sinking. Sinking into place as my body was. I guess it feels like sinking because I moved downward. And I felt relaxed and comfortable, not just physically but emotionally.
It felt nice, and that's an understatement. Even though he was sleeping and he didn't feel it, that's kind of what I feel when we're kissing too. Like the chemistry isn't necessarily about how we are in sync with each other but just how I feel in sync with him and that's why it was still happening while he was passed out.
I asked him last night how he felt about our chemistry, he says he agrees that we have a lot of chemistry but I was disappointed by the answer because I kind of wanted to hear into his mind play by play, like I could during the book. It was like every moment, every look, every touch, every kiss, every word - was recognized for its significance to each character. I'm like that too. I like to analyze the moments. The small details, what significance they individually hold. Ironically, how they soothe or please my emotions in one way or another. I know it's hypocritical of me to now like what my emotions can give me but when they make me feel good it's hard to deny them, the only reason anyone would is that they know that good can easily go bad so if I give my emotions power than they will ultimately make me unhappy.
But I know that's not true. I mean, I know that I can allow my emotions to serve my purpose, hypocritical as it sounds. It doesn't make sense to let emotions rule you, so I decide when I want to allow them to make their mark. And when they make me happy I let them. And when they make me sad, I fight them off. I'm still interested in why they make me happy when they make me happy, because there's a deeper purpose to it, but I also can't resist enjoying that they make me happy. It keeps me going.
I think that's it with John. I feel guilty because he just gave me a love call (instead of a love letter) and now I'm saying that I really don't care about him despite that chemistry. But it's true, it's not that I don't enjoy him or care about him. It's just that, that's the only reason I'd date him, is so I can get another taste of that chemistry.
I don't know if that's even realistic.... for so many reasons.
As for Dan? Jeez. I don't even know what to say. I didn't expect him to be like this. He's kind of serious. This whole past year we have always talked about ourselves in such a hypothetical manner. Like we were never a reality, only a fantasy. How we felt for each other, could never be put to good use, except in that fantasy. And now, my impression is that he's surpassed the fantasy and he's actually, seriously, trying to make us a reality. It's scary for me.
Perhaps I allowed myself to get so close to him because I knew we were only a fantasy. I denied that way back when, because I did try to go out to see him, but when I felt like it could happen I'd get scared. And that whole year never felt like this. The vibe he gives off now is so much more real. It's like - damnet, I can't think of a good metaphor. Or simile, since I used the word like. It seems like such an insignificant difference.
It just seems like I'm feeling us in a new light, a more distinguished light. Like the resolution of the picture is higher than it was before. There, that's my simile. It was kind of vague and blurry before and now it's getting clearer and I'm paused... uncertain.
Last night I told John I felt like I was in limbo. In a bigger sense, I'm feeling like I'm in limbo because of John and Dan, because I don't want to let either of them go completely, I still fantasize about being with one or the other every once in a while. And yet, I don't want to commit to either of them either. Now, just so you know, when I said that in my head the first "either" was pronounced I-thur and the second was pronounced E-thur. Just so it doesn't sound so redundant...
Anyway, I felt especially in limbo because that damn book just sparked thought. I read 100 pages without hesitation and then I put it down for one second to answer the IM John had sent me and then I couldn't pick the book back up because I felt like I needed to think about my life. It inspired some deep thinking. When you think about how deep it was, it wasn't actually that deep or serious or important, but it felt significant to me at the time. I really was in limbo. I couldn't move on, and that's why I couldn't pick up the book and get reading again. I had to give these thoughts some time, I had to allow them to sort through themselves.
So I talked to John about chemistry and then I listened to Dan rant, if that's not too negative of a word, about how much he loves me... and about all his ex girlfriends. Ha ha.
But it still doesn't change the fact that I can't commit to anyone. I'm not the type who can try things out that won't work. I don't like wasting my life. You know what I mean? Like Crystal Burger dating a million guys. Every week it was a new guy. So each relationship was obviously pointless, a complete waste. She obviously had no real or significant bond with any of them.
It's like, I pressure myself on being with anyone because I don't want to waste my time on insignificant experiences, I want to make sure that everything I do means something to me. It means that I have very high expectations and we all know that those two words never make good ingredients.
But there you are. That's my opinion about why I can't commit. Ironically, I have only said yes to about 1 out of 10 of every guy who has asked me out. Every once in a blue moon I just felt the need to say yes but most of the time I just knew to say no. But really, all the guys I said yes to ended up only lasting a week or less anyway. I lasted three months with Erick but that was sort of long distance and he was cheating on me with someone closer to home. I lasted a month with Lindstrom but he was only interested in Shannon. Mike and Miguel were the only ones who meant anything to me. Ironically, they have the same name. I don't know what it is about that name. Considering it was my first crush's name and the guy I lost my virginity to and my last name and all that good stuff.
Maybe I should find out what significance it has in numerology.
In any case... all the other guys, and I've probably dated about ten others - for all of five seconds, before they dumped me. Okay, once or twice I dumped them. But the point is, I had all those insignificant relationships. To the point where if I count up my exes I have to hesitate when I say, hey, were those five seconds really a relationship? I may as well merely be counting all the times I said "yes," whatever significance that holds.
Maybe I have to learn not to be afraid of wasting my time. It's really like prom. I always felt like prom was a waste but a lot of people see it as the best night of their life. And it takes so much intense planning and a lot of money too. And I just felt like it was pretty stupid, it was all about high expectations, having the perfect night. SAME WITH A WEDDING. I just remembered. It seemed pointless to me, I think, because they were both individually only one night. Seems like a lot of planning for merely a few hours.
But I should learn from my aversion to those high expectations because that's how I live my life. Not doing things that I know won't meet my expectations and thus, won't have any point. I need to just be spontaneous. I have not profited from that, as you see, most of the guys who I randomly said yes to, didn't work out. And that one time I hopped in the car in the middle of the night to go drive around Hudson with John it turned out horrible.
But I can't let myself be scared away that easily... can I?
I just can't seem to make myself hook up with somebody if I think it won't work. Why make a wasted effort?
WHY NOT?
That's what I should be asking myself. Who cares if I waste my efforts? To be honest, all future is in essence waste because it only holds significance for the moment it's experienced. That's why we use sentiment. If things did not have sentimental value, then the past would be a waste, and thus, the future would be a waste because it would only soon turn into the past.
But that's what life is about. It's about heading straight towards the future, knowing it will only shortly be the present and it will quickly turn into the past - never to be touched again, save through a vague memory. I hate that my memory is vague. It makes me so mad. That's why I write, so I can preserve memories. That's why I take pictures and videos, to preserve the memories. It still slips away despite my best efforts. And I beat myself up so much when I don't take enough or any pictures or I'm too lazy to write about my experiences. I know they will then be lost and forgotten, my memory can't preserve my experiences for me.
I need to just jump into future experiences, despite the fact that a lot of them will be a waste. I may not enjoy myself, I may not get along with someone. I simply may waste my time. But when I don't waste my time, the still end up in the same place. It sounds like I'm saying, why make a big deal about what I eat or how I eat it or how many different foods I let mush together before putting in my mouth, because they all end up in the same place in the end. That is the perfect metaphor for experiences. Perfect.
In that case, it wouldn't make a difference whether they tasted good or bad, because the pleasure would be fleeting or the pain would be fleeting - except for a vague aftertaste, right?
But instead of getting depressed and saying, what's the point? I may as well turn it around and say, what's the point of having any point?
Truth be told, there is a point. I know I just said there was no point to having any point but that's because the first point was in disguise for emptiness. It had no realistic point. So therefore it was pointless. Truth be told there is a point.
I love to learn about myself. I love to experience my humanness. Just like that book. I love to dissect the moments and recognize them for what they are, in such distinctiveness. Life is so distinct. Experiences, emotions, thoughts etc, they are all so distinct to me. My perspective is distinct. That's why I'm so picky, because I see things as distinct - and then I put a lot of significance in the words "good" and "bad". Perhaps I shouldn't...
But I like that things are distinct. That's how they mean something. They mean something because they're exciting. Edgar Allen Poe said, about The Raven, that his usage of poetic devices were not unique. But it was his combination of them that was unique. He used many different poetical devices. When one person would just use one poetic device for the whole poem, with no variations... he would use many and create his own style. The basic building blocks will never be unique. They're available to us all. And sometimes even the art that is created through the basic building blocks is still not unique. But we can only try to have our own combinations to keep things fresh and exciting.
If I were to not understand the distinctions of my experiences, then I would be forced to either get bored, or find emotional significance in things and thus try to recreate "good times". I learned when I was very young that the best times were not planned and could never be repeated.
To me, life means something because each experience is filled with myself. I get to experience my humanity in each experience. It's not what I do, it's who I am while I do it. Usually, that's even a significant part of what makes an experience good or bad anyway. People enjoy what can make them enjoy themselves. People pick partners who they can say, "I like who I am when I'm with you." I didn't like that spontaneous adventure with John because I felt helpless, powerless and that's not my favorite feeling. I like to be big and strong and powerful. I like to be confident and proud of my power. I like to know, in a situation, that I'm impressing everybody with the powerful vibrations I'm giving off.
God, I have to stop blaming everybody else for being intimidated by me, because we all know that's what I want.
I couldn't be proud of my power. I was a victim of the circumstances. I was cold and I couldn't help it. I was hungry and I couldn't help it. I was lost and I couldn't help it. I couldn't help that I couldn't see out of the damn window with all the what's it called caked on the windows... the steam or whatnot. And it was not so easy to let go since I was doing it all in front of John. It's not that I felt embarrassed. I'm not weak enough to be upset when someone has seen me be powerless - I usually only get embarrassed when I'm ashamed of something. And like I said, I refuse to be so dependent on pride that I will be ashamed of who I am when I don't have it.
You probably wouldn't understand the distinction of what I just said unless you'd felt the distinction as clearly as I have. But the point is, I wasn't embarrassed but I also was not enjoying myself. I guess you could say that it's a plus. I like who I am, even if I don't have a lot of power. But when I'm with people, I get so much pleasure out of impressing and intimidating them. It makes me feel damn good, the pride, of knowing that they can feel my greatness - to put it simply.
And we all know how human of me it is to say that, even if it's not admirable.
I guess it's also a little sad. It's sad that I see no point in being around people unless I can impress them. I suppose that I except myself, but I fear that others won't except me unless I'm great. I can't comprehend being with someone without knowing that they'll like something special about me. And it makes sense, you have to admit. I know that it's essential for me to love myself. I know that I need to except what makes me an "I". But not everybody else does. There's no reason that anybody else should except myself or like myself half as much as I do. It's rare to have people who care about you. Meaning, of the millions of people on this Earth, we're destined to only have a few who we mean anything to.
So when I think about the few who I'll mean something to, I feel like it should be because of my greatness. It should be because I'm beautiful or smart or I make them happy or something. And why shouldn't that make sense?
I feel like we weren't meant to have any significance to each other except for what others serve for ourselves. It's not a fact that we love someone. We're not born with the destiny to love someone and be meant to be with them the way we usually like to think when we think of soul mates or "one true love". We're meant to be with people and care about people to learn something about ourselves, to grow, to advance...
Although, that should make me realize that it doesn't matter how much greatness I am, in any manner - because that's not what dictates why someone is attracted to me. They don't consciously decide to be with me because I'm more beautiful than somebody else. Even if they did, the reason I would appeal to them that way would be something deeper. It's not an objective truth, beauty. It's a subjective interpretation. We make it true, that someone is beautiful, by interpreting them as such, or interpreting ourselves as such.
So really, I'll appeal to those who my presence in their lives can serve and teach....
But I find it nearly impossible to comprehend not trying to show off my greatness. Maybe someday I'll get there. But right now it seems so unlikely.
Did I get sidetracked? Can you say, tangent? Actually it took me a minute to think of the word, I kept thinking Tantrum????????
But let's see where I got sidetracked.... well okay, maybe I didn't. I was following a logical thought process. But back to square one, the point of it all. John and Dan. The ironic thing is I'm sitting here trying to get myself to a point where I can commit and I can't even commit to either of them. Even if I could commit to Dan I'd have to wait until we lived near each other. And I can't commit to John until he wants to commit to me.
It's laughable. I may as well run around in circles. It's like that with Kristen too. She proposes things to me and I feel like UH OH, SHE LIKES ME AND I DON'T LIKE HER BACK, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?? But then we'll hang out and I'll have avoided the subject and before I know it, she'll have brushed it off and suddenly she makes it known that it wasn't really a serious subject and then I have nothing to worry about.
The guys both like me, I freak out because I can't commit, but once I can commit I realize there was no reason to freak out because I wouldn't have to commit anyway, it's not close to happening.
But I can't leave either of them hanging, they're both talking to me about it a lot more. I have to understand how I feel about them both and what that means, so I'm glad I made progress.
What progress did I make? I feel more able to commit, at least until the high wears off. Sometimes I get in a daring mood, ready to jump out of a plane, take a risk, you know. But it sometimes wears off if I don't act on it and then I sleep and things reset when I wake up in the morning, I'm back to being a chickenshit. I'll have to remember my logic about wasting my time. And fight all the other things that I've just remembered are keeping me in the way of embracing somebody.
mmmgh I'm tired so very suddenly.
I like making out. I don't like John's lips. :( They're too big. Mike's lips were smaller. I can't kiss John's lips the way I can kiss Mike's and I'm hungry for the way I used to do it. But you can't have everything. At least not at the same time. I couldn't enjoy Mike's kisses when he didn't have as much passion as John does. So I need John's passion and Mike's lips and John's neck biting.... cause Mike was seriously lacking that. It all comes down to me wanting Mike's skin but not what's inside and vice versa with John.
Damnet.
...
I like John's personality. But just not how it expresses itself in the choices he makes. Gah I could say the same for Dan. I don't like what his life represents of his personality. My parents see his life and think that it accurately expressed his personality but I don't think it does. I never thought it does. I didn't even think his actions represented his personality. To be fair, they must definitely represent his psyche. But that's different. I can't be bothered with his psyche. It's not my job to be bothered. Psyche is the best word I can think of besides psychology, perhaps that's what pathology means. His deeper issues, really. His life represents his deeper issues and they're not good. His actions represent his deeper issues and again they're not good.
But that hardly concerns me unless it conflicts with what I want out of life, which it may, but we haven't gotten married yet so I don't have to think about those things, enjoy the moment, eh? And the moment is his personality. I like his personality. I think that because his life reflects something so negative that my parents think that's all there is to him, this negativity. His life doesn't represent his positive aspects, that's what I experience within his personality. And I value the positive things I've seen because I honestly haven't seen very many of them in any other people - even people who don't have such negative psychological issues being broadcasted within their actions and the their life.
And I like John too. His sincerity speaks to me. I hate it because it seems to contradict him so much sometimes. But I don't actually feel like he's a liar. He's conflicted, if anything, but not a liar. He's not pretending to be sincere, it's just that not all of him is sincere, or in accordance to that sincerity. Some of himself is conflicted with what I like of him. I just don't know who wins these small battles, or the bigger battle. If I were to get involved with John, who would I be getting involved with? It's like an arm wrestling match and I just don't know who is going to be the strongest in the end... Who would I end up with? Whose will is strong enough to beat the other and thus make the decisions?
It seems like, so far, his sincerity has been losing. I see it, but it doesn't seem to be active. Or perhaps it's not so much that it's sincerity verses nonsincerity. It's actually that he's sincere about conflicting or contradictory things. Like he's sincere about loving Lyla as well as being sincere that he loves me. The fact that he wants to break up with Lyla should contradict that he loves her sincerely but it doesn't seem to.
I may not have explained that as it made sense in my head, but I'm too exhausted to try again.
It's because I was on a groove and then I remembered something else about him that added a new light to what I was saying so I should have needed to start my whole story over again to add in the new evidence that gave it a new light but I tried to patch it up in the end instead of begin anew. I hate it when that happens.
I feel good about this journal entry. I feel like I've been really honest and straightforward. Perhaps I've felt a little shady lately, what with dodging Kristen, John and Dan's feelings for me and fighting with Amelia - I haven't had any honesty and straightforwardness lately..
and Dan just called and ruined my high, thanks.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
My brother is moving to New York!!!!!!!!!!! Loren is. Awesome. He's become one of my favorites. Since Neils and Yohan will not talk to us cause they're mad at my dad for childhood woes and such. And since Stephanie is a whore and Amelia is messed up. And since Colin is a perv and now also married. Tristan is definitely a favorite but he's very quiet and kind of keeps to himself so even though that may compliment me since I keep to myself... well yes, I do believe Loren is the top of my list. And now he's going to live with us. :)
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Amelia told Anthony to keep Isis for the week. Ridiculous. I would have babysat Isis the entire time, devoted all my time to her, even the wee hours of the morning. I would prefer to have her than have him have her. But now Amelia recognizes two enemies and she has to pick the least bothersome of the two... I'm the most bothersome, not him, at this point.
I miss Isis. Now we won't see her until next Monday. Essentially a week. Very sad...
I miss Isis. Now we won't see her until next Monday. Essentially a week. Very sad...
Well, I didn't have nightmares about the thruways and all those damn exits.
It was a memorable experience to spend the first hour of the new year dealing with my utter incompetence when it comes to getting home from the mall. Which I seem to have done about 50 times before.... yet I refused to pay attention.
And when the time came for me to use that information I was blank. I finally managed to find a good address to put in mapquest and get myself home. Even then I got lost but I didn't despair because I now knew what to look for. Good times. Especially since I was wasting Amelia's gas. Muahaha.
She thinks I was home all alone missing Isis. And there's no way to tell her it isn't true because she hasn't been home. I'll just have to go back out to the movies again...
It's horrible. Costs so much money. I think about ten dollars for the movie theater.... 3 or 4 dollars for a video rental store.... and then free from the library!! Which would I rather do? I mean it costs 3 or 4 dollars for a small sprite at this movie theater, need I say more? It costs a dollar fifty for a whole liter of sprite at walmart! And it costs eleven dollars to buy the movie from Walmart!
Yeah, I may as well just purchase all of these movies and then watch them as much as I want. Even if I have to wait a few months. There are only a select few that are worth watching on the big screen. My aunt and uncle had a mini big screen in their house. Like they had a mini movie theater in their house with the seats and everything. I wish I had one of those. Of course, if I were them, I would have been able to go to any movie for free. I always wanted to work at a movie theater. I should try...
I'm better off not being greedy about watching these movies as fast as they come out. I may as well take my time and watch them from the library... or illegally online.... humph.
It was a memorable experience to spend the first hour of the new year dealing with my utter incompetence when it comes to getting home from the mall. Which I seem to have done about 50 times before.... yet I refused to pay attention.
And when the time came for me to use that information I was blank. I finally managed to find a good address to put in mapquest and get myself home. Even then I got lost but I didn't despair because I now knew what to look for. Good times. Especially since I was wasting Amelia's gas. Muahaha.
She thinks I was home all alone missing Isis. And there's no way to tell her it isn't true because she hasn't been home. I'll just have to go back out to the movies again...
It's horrible. Costs so much money. I think about ten dollars for the movie theater.... 3 or 4 dollars for a video rental store.... and then free from the library!! Which would I rather do? I mean it costs 3 or 4 dollars for a small sprite at this movie theater, need I say more? It costs a dollar fifty for a whole liter of sprite at walmart! And it costs eleven dollars to buy the movie from Walmart!
Yeah, I may as well just purchase all of these movies and then watch them as much as I want. Even if I have to wait a few months. There are only a select few that are worth watching on the big screen. My aunt and uncle had a mini big screen in their house. Like they had a mini movie theater in their house with the seats and everything. I wish I had one of those. Of course, if I were them, I would have been able to go to any movie for free. I always wanted to work at a movie theater. I should try...
I'm better off not being greedy about watching these movies as fast as they come out. I may as well take my time and watch them from the library... or illegally online.... humph.
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