I really shouldn't immerse myself in tv shows. It makes reality difficult, because the way things make sense for the reality of the show, gets pulled into my mind and then when I'm trying to understand this reality I use that sense and I know that's not good.

That's the best way I can explain it.

John just called. A bit inconsiderate, I didn't answer because it wasn't a number I recognized, because he was on Felix's phone and he didn't remember my cell phone number, just my house.

Apparently, getting guys to call me and woo me in the middle of the night is the way my life is going right now. Perhaps it's because I told John this morning that Dan calls me in the middle of the night and woos me... that he felt he needed to step up. But he seemed really bothered by the fact that he was very rude to me this morning, owing to the fact that he hates me talking about Dan, and he called to apologize for it.

Dan and John both hate each other for seemingly inexplicable reasons. But of course it's very explicable. Both of them are intimidated by each other. John thinks he can't match up to Dan probably because I always made it clear that I loved Dan very much even if I didn't always want to be with him. And Dan is probably intimidated by John because he actually has a realistic chance to be with me, at least physically, since he won't break up with Lyla. And the phone call didn't change that.

I can't get this smirk off my face. I hate that I smirk but it's the reaction I get when I'm nervous.

I guess I'm nervous because I'm not ready to jump in with either of them. Dan seems more ready to be with me than ever before, and I'm elated that after a year of being involved with him he's finally stopped all the bullshit, despite the fact that he just slept with Jen a couple days ago.

But I'm not riddled with jealousy. I don't think I'm jealous of either of them. I'm slightly detached. That's why I'm nervous.

But you know, I liked that Dan was telling me all about his exes and the sex he's had in the past. Because I've been thinking about what I'm going to do if something happens between John and I. Do I tell Dan? It's unfair not to tell him. Omission is betrayal. But it's not going to make him happy to hear about it.

I'm not one of those people who tries to tell someone something to see if it makes them jealous. I do tell people things that could make them jealous but not for that purpose. I like to test people to see how much truth they can take. This is the most important thing I'll say during this entire entry so take me seriously, I do not believe in basing a relationship or friendship on lies. I don't believe in basing a life on lies. I believe in facing the truth. I can't tell you how much I would prefer to be hurt but honest with myself, than be saved from pain. Pain ends, pain moves on and heals. Foolishness is a much worse thing. I've been afraid of foolishness all my life. Deathly afraid.

That's real pain for me, that's something I want to avoid. Not heartache. Dan told me that he thought I wasn't getting involved with him because I was afraid he'd hurt me again, but that's not it at all. I'm not afraid of heartache. Emotions are so trivial. I try to make sense of the fact that we base so much on emotions, but I can't seem to. All I know is that it's one thing to allow emotions to bring you happiness, joy and love, it's another to let emotions bring you anger, sadness, resentment, jealousy, pain, depression.

I just simply refuse to let any of those emotions take any real precedence. It's not life that makes everything go awry, it's our reactions to life - and our reactions are generally driven by the wild force we call emotions.

So, no, while emotions will always be a part of my life, whether I like it or not, I can't say that the fear of pain is what keeps me from Dan.

But back to the truth issue. Because I'm someone who can face the truth, I like to be with people who can face the truth. I fucking hate the pressure of having to shield somebody from the truth. It makes me a little reckless with their feelings because I care very little for people's feelings. I've already explained that I don't give emotions very much respect. If anything, they're just tools to serve a deeper purpose, and I like to dig as deep as I can until I can understand the root of the purpose emotions serve. Cut out the freakin middle man, as far as I'm concerned.

So, I like to say things that I know will hurt people, because I want them to take it, I want them to be able to handle the truth. I don't want to feel like I have to be a liar just to keep them emotionally balanced. The truth is? I'm involved with both Dan and John. And both of them should get over their stupid emotion-driven problems with this truth and face up to it.

Since Dan was telling me all about his exploits, I told him that it was only fair I could then tell him about my exploits - and that took a load off my shoulders because now I don't have to be afraid to keep secrets.

However, I don't wish to rub salt on the wound. It makes it a little hard to say what I have to say in here knowing that Dan will probably read this. And yet, the only reason I'm writing at all is because Dan reads it. Not specifically because of who he is, I'm not directing this at him. It's that I need to know this is being read at all. I get bored talking to myself, it motivates me to know I have an audience. I'm in a Catch 22. If Dan reads this I can't quite say all that I want to say but if he doesn't read this I won't say anything at all.

Last night I read Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. It was the best book ever. It just spoke to me. I loved that I could hear two voices. That instead of being an observer with little knowledge as to what a character feels, as we do in movies - or on the rare occasion being an observer into the mind of one character - as sometimes happens in movies and happens in books all the time... this time it was nice to be an observer into the minds of both characters. And not only did I get to understand both minds but I got to understand both perspectives of the same incident.

It went back and forth during one single night, detailing and analyzing all the thoughts and feelings and reactions that each character was having to everything that went on between them. It was amazing.

When I think of being with somebody, that's what I think of. Not being either Nick or Norah but having that view into both of them. I understand myself the way the authors made the character's understand themselves. It's not that they could really make sense of what they felt, they kind of followed along, but it's that they had such complex feelings. They allowed themselves to recognize, I shouldn't have used the word understand, it's that they recognized their feelings. That's what they were doing, narrating, so that we could also see what how they felt.

It was just perfect. And not only perfect because of how I could relate realistically but also with how I could relate idealistically. It had my idealistic fantasy come true. Chemistry. Chemistry is amazing. Chemistry is usually when you feel that you're in sync with somebody, that you're on the same path, heading in the same direction. You connect. But I learned, from being with John, that there's something inexplicably satisfying that can happen. I don't know what heading to put it under so that's why it goes along with chemistry.

It's what happened when John fell asleep in my arms, incidentally because he lied about getting any sleep that night, but I forgive him because while he was sleeping I snuggled into him and even though I can't understand why it happened, I can recognize that it happened at all and what significance it has. It was just the way our bodies melted so that they fit together to make one solid object with no spaces between us. That's how I would explain it even though realistically, there was probably still space and air between our flesh. It's just that I could feel, as I adjusted my body so that it fit more comfortably against his, that my emotions were kind of... sinking. Sinking into place as my body was. I guess it feels like sinking because I moved downward. And I felt relaxed and comfortable, not just physically but emotionally.

It felt nice, and that's an understatement. Even though he was sleeping and he didn't feel it, that's kind of what I feel when we're kissing too. Like the chemistry isn't necessarily about how we are in sync with each other but just how I feel in sync with him and that's why it was still happening while he was passed out.

I asked him last night how he felt about our chemistry, he says he agrees that we have a lot of chemistry but I was disappointed by the answer because I kind of wanted to hear into his mind play by play, like I could during the book. It was like every moment, every look, every touch, every kiss, every word - was recognized for its significance to each character. I'm like that too. I like to analyze the moments. The small details, what significance they individually hold. Ironically, how they soothe or please my emotions in one way or another. I know it's hypocritical of me to now like what my emotions can give me but when they make me feel good it's hard to deny them, the only reason anyone would is that they know that good can easily go bad so if I give my emotions power than they will ultimately make me unhappy.

But I know that's not true. I mean, I know that I can allow my emotions to serve my purpose, hypocritical as it sounds. It doesn't make sense to let emotions rule you, so I decide when I want to allow them to make their mark. And when they make me happy I let them. And when they make me sad, I fight them off. I'm still interested in why they make me happy when they make me happy, because there's a deeper purpose to it, but I also can't resist enjoying that they make me happy. It keeps me going.

I think that's it with John. I feel guilty because he just gave me a love call (instead of a love letter) and now I'm saying that I really don't care about him despite that chemistry. But it's true, it's not that I don't enjoy him or care about him. It's just that, that's the only reason I'd date him, is so I can get another taste of that chemistry.

I don't know if that's even realistic.... for so many reasons.

As for Dan? Jeez. I don't even know what to say. I didn't expect him to be like this. He's kind of serious. This whole past year we have always talked about ourselves in such a hypothetical manner. Like we were never a reality, only a fantasy. How we felt for each other, could never be put to good use, except in that fantasy. And now, my impression is that he's surpassed the fantasy and he's actually, seriously, trying to make us a reality. It's scary for me.

Perhaps I allowed myself to get so close to him because I knew we were only a fantasy. I denied that way back when, because I did try to go out to see him, but when I felt like it could happen I'd get scared. And that whole year never felt like this. The vibe he gives off now is so much more real. It's like - damnet, I can't think of a good metaphor. Or simile, since I used the word like. It seems like such an insignificant difference.

It just seems like I'm feeling us in a new light, a more distinguished light. Like the resolution of the picture is higher than it was before. There, that's my simile. It was kind of vague and blurry before and now it's getting clearer and I'm paused... uncertain.

Last night I told John I felt like I was in limbo. In a bigger sense, I'm feeling like I'm in limbo because of John and Dan, because I don't want to let either of them go completely, I still fantasize about being with one or the other every once in a while. And yet, I don't want to commit to either of them either. Now, just so you know, when I said that in my head the first "either" was pronounced I-thur and the second was pronounced E-thur. Just so it doesn't sound so redundant...

Anyway, I felt especially in limbo because that damn book just sparked thought. I read 100 pages without hesitation and then I put it down for one second to answer the IM John had sent me and then I couldn't pick the book back up because I felt like I needed to think about my life. It inspired some deep thinking. When you think about how deep it was, it wasn't actually that deep or serious or important, but it felt significant to me at the time. I really was in limbo. I couldn't move on, and that's why I couldn't pick up the book and get reading again. I had to give these thoughts some time, I had to allow them to sort through themselves.

So I talked to John about chemistry and then I listened to Dan rant, if that's not too negative of a word, about how much he loves me... and about all his ex girlfriends. Ha ha.

But it still doesn't change the fact that I can't commit to anyone. I'm not the type who can try things out that won't work. I don't like wasting my life. You know what I mean? Like Crystal Burger dating a million guys. Every week it was a new guy. So each relationship was obviously pointless, a complete waste. She obviously had no real or significant bond with any of them.

It's like, I pressure myself on being with anyone because I don't want to waste my time on insignificant experiences, I want to make sure that everything I do means something to me. It means that I have very high expectations and we all know that those two words never make good ingredients.

But there you are. That's my opinion about why I can't commit. Ironically, I have only said yes to about 1 out of 10 of every guy who has asked me out. Every once in a blue moon I just felt the need to say yes but most of the time I just knew to say no. But really, all the guys I said yes to ended up only lasting a week or less anyway. I lasted three months with Erick but that was sort of long distance and he was cheating on me with someone closer to home. I lasted a month with Lindstrom but he was only interested in Shannon. Mike and Miguel were the only ones who meant anything to me. Ironically, they have the same name. I don't know what it is about that name. Considering it was my first crush's name and the guy I lost my virginity to and my last name and all that good stuff.

Maybe I should find out what significance it has in numerology.

In any case... all the other guys, and I've probably dated about ten others - for all of five seconds, before they dumped me. Okay, once or twice I dumped them. But the point is, I had all those insignificant relationships. To the point where if I count up my exes I have to hesitate when I say, hey, were those five seconds really a relationship? I may as well merely be counting all the times I said "yes," whatever significance that holds.

Maybe I have to learn not to be afraid of wasting my time. It's really like prom. I always felt like prom was a waste but a lot of people see it as the best night of their life. And it takes so much intense planning and a lot of money too. And I just felt like it was pretty stupid, it was all about high expectations, having the perfect night. SAME WITH A WEDDING. I just remembered. It seemed pointless to me, I think, because they were both individually only one night. Seems like a lot of planning for merely a few hours.

But I should learn from my aversion to those high expectations because that's how I live my life. Not doing things that I know won't meet my expectations and thus, won't have any point. I need to just be spontaneous. I have not profited from that, as you see, most of the guys who I randomly said yes to, didn't work out. And that one time I hopped in the car in the middle of the night to go drive around Hudson with John it turned out horrible.

But I can't let myself be scared away that easily... can I?

I just can't seem to make myself hook up with somebody if I think it won't work. Why make a wasted effort?

WHY NOT?

That's what I should be asking myself. Who cares if I waste my efforts? To be honest, all future is in essence waste because it only holds significance for the moment it's experienced. That's why we use sentiment. If things did not have sentimental value, then the past would be a waste, and thus, the future would be a waste because it would only soon turn into the past.

But that's what life is about. It's about heading straight towards the future, knowing it will only shortly be the present and it will quickly turn into the past - never to be touched again, save through a vague memory. I hate that my memory is vague. It makes me so mad. That's why I write, so I can preserve memories. That's why I take pictures and videos, to preserve the memories. It still slips away despite my best efforts. And I beat myself up so much when I don't take enough or any pictures or I'm too lazy to write about my experiences. I know they will then be lost and forgotten, my memory can't preserve my experiences for me.

I need to just jump into future experiences, despite the fact that a lot of them will be a waste. I may not enjoy myself, I may not get along with someone. I simply may waste my time. But when I don't waste my time, the still end up in the same place. It sounds like I'm saying, why make a big deal about what I eat or how I eat it or how many different foods I let mush together before putting in my mouth, because they all end up in the same place in the end. That is the perfect metaphor for experiences. Perfect.

In that case, it wouldn't make a difference whether they tasted good or bad, because the pleasure would be fleeting or the pain would be fleeting - except for a vague aftertaste, right?

But instead of getting depressed and saying, what's the point? I may as well turn it around and say, what's the point of having any point?

Truth be told, there is a point. I know I just said there was no point to having any point but that's because the first point was in disguise for emptiness. It had no realistic point. So therefore it was pointless. Truth be told there is a point.

I love to learn about myself. I love to experience my humanness. Just like that book. I love to dissect the moments and recognize them for what they are, in such distinctiveness. Life is so distinct. Experiences, emotions, thoughts etc, they are all so distinct to me. My perspective is distinct. That's why I'm so picky, because I see things as distinct - and then I put a lot of significance in the words "good" and "bad". Perhaps I shouldn't...

But I like that things are distinct. That's how they mean something. They mean something because they're exciting. Edgar Allen Poe said, about The Raven, that his usage of poetic devices were not unique. But it was his combination of them that was unique. He used many different poetical devices. When one person would just use one poetic device for the whole poem, with no variations... he would use many and create his own style. The basic building blocks will never be unique. They're available to us all. And sometimes even the art that is created through the basic building blocks is still not unique. But we can only try to have our own combinations to keep things fresh and exciting.

If I were to not understand the distinctions of my experiences, then I would be forced to either get bored, or find emotional significance in things and thus try to recreate "good times". I learned when I was very young that the best times were not planned and could never be repeated.

To me, life means something because each experience is filled with myself. I get to experience my humanity in each experience. It's not what I do, it's who I am while I do it. Usually, that's even a significant part of what makes an experience good or bad anyway. People enjoy what can make them enjoy themselves. People pick partners who they can say, "I like who I am when I'm with you." I didn't like that spontaneous adventure with John because I felt helpless, powerless and that's not my favorite feeling. I like to be big and strong and powerful. I like to be confident and proud of my power. I like to know, in a situation, that I'm impressing everybody with the powerful vibrations I'm giving off.

God, I have to stop blaming everybody else for being intimidated by me, because we all know that's what I want.

I couldn't be proud of my power. I was a victim of the circumstances. I was cold and I couldn't help it. I was hungry and I couldn't help it. I was lost and I couldn't help it. I couldn't help that I couldn't see out of the damn window with all the what's it called caked on the windows... the steam or whatnot. And it was not so easy to let go since I was doing it all in front of John. It's not that I felt embarrassed. I'm not weak enough to be upset when someone has seen me be powerless - I usually only get embarrassed when I'm ashamed of something. And like I said, I refuse to be so dependent on pride that I will be ashamed of who I am when I don't have it.

You probably wouldn't understand the distinction of what I just said unless you'd felt the distinction as clearly as I have. But the point is, I wasn't embarrassed but I also was not enjoying myself. I guess you could say that it's a plus. I like who I am, even if I don't have a lot of power. But when I'm with people, I get so much pleasure out of impressing and intimidating them. It makes me feel damn good, the pride, of knowing that they can feel my greatness - to put it simply.

And we all know how human of me it is to say that, even if it's not admirable.

I guess it's also a little sad. It's sad that I see no point in being around people unless I can impress them. I suppose that I except myself, but I fear that others won't except me unless I'm great. I can't comprehend being with someone without knowing that they'll like something special about me. And it makes sense, you have to admit. I know that it's essential for me to love myself. I know that I need to except what makes me an "I". But not everybody else does. There's no reason that anybody else should except myself or like myself half as much as I do. It's rare to have people who care about you. Meaning, of the millions of people on this Earth, we're destined to only have a few who we mean anything to.

So when I think about the few who I'll mean something to, I feel like it should be because of my greatness. It should be because I'm beautiful or smart or I make them happy or something. And why shouldn't that make sense?

I feel like we weren't meant to have any significance to each other except for what others serve for ourselves. It's not a fact that we love someone. We're not born with the destiny to love someone and be meant to be with them the way we usually like to think when we think of soul mates or "one true love". We're meant to be with people and care about people to learn something about ourselves, to grow, to advance...

Although, that should make me realize that it doesn't matter how much greatness I am, in any manner - because that's not what dictates why someone is attracted to me. They don't consciously decide to be with me because I'm more beautiful than somebody else. Even if they did, the reason I would appeal to them that way would be something deeper. It's not an objective truth, beauty. It's a subjective interpretation. We make it true, that someone is beautiful, by interpreting them as such, or interpreting ourselves as such.

So really, I'll appeal to those who my presence in their lives can serve and teach....

But I find it nearly impossible to comprehend not trying to show off my greatness. Maybe someday I'll get there. But right now it seems so unlikely.

Did I get sidetracked? Can you say, tangent? Actually it took me a minute to think of the word, I kept thinking Tantrum????????

But let's see where I got sidetracked.... well okay, maybe I didn't. I was following a logical thought process. But back to square one, the point of it all. John and Dan. The ironic thing is I'm sitting here trying to get myself to a point where I can commit and I can't even commit to either of them. Even if I could commit to Dan I'd have to wait until we lived near each other. And I can't commit to John until he wants to commit to me.

It's laughable. I may as well run around in circles. It's like that with Kristen too. She proposes things to me and I feel like UH OH, SHE LIKES ME AND I DON'T LIKE HER BACK, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?? But then we'll hang out and I'll have avoided the subject and before I know it, she'll have brushed it off and suddenly she makes it known that it wasn't really a serious subject and then I have nothing to worry about.

The guys both like me, I freak out because I can't commit, but once I can commit I realize there was no reason to freak out because I wouldn't have to commit anyway, it's not close to happening.

But I can't leave either of them hanging, they're both talking to me about it a lot more. I have to understand how I feel about them both and what that means, so I'm glad I made progress.

What progress did I make? I feel more able to commit, at least until the high wears off. Sometimes I get in a daring mood, ready to jump out of a plane, take a risk, you know. But it sometimes wears off if I don't act on it and then I sleep and things reset when I wake up in the morning, I'm back to being a chickenshit. I'll have to remember my logic about wasting my time. And fight all the other things that I've just remembered are keeping me in the way of embracing somebody.

mmmgh I'm tired so very suddenly.

I like making out. I don't like John's lips. :( They're too big. Mike's lips were smaller. I can't kiss John's lips the way I can kiss Mike's and I'm hungry for the way I used to do it. But you can't have everything. At least not at the same time. I couldn't enjoy Mike's kisses when he didn't have as much passion as John does. So I need John's passion and Mike's lips and John's neck biting.... cause Mike was seriously lacking that. It all comes down to me wanting Mike's skin but not what's inside and vice versa with John.

Damnet.

...

I like John's personality. But just not how it expresses itself in the choices he makes. Gah I could say the same for Dan. I don't like what his life represents of his personality. My parents see his life and think that it accurately expressed his personality but I don't think it does. I never thought it does. I didn't even think his actions represented his personality. To be fair, they must definitely represent his psyche. But that's different. I can't be bothered with his psyche. It's not my job to be bothered. Psyche is the best word I can think of besides psychology, perhaps that's what pathology means. His deeper issues, really. His life represents his deeper issues and they're not good. His actions represent his deeper issues and again they're not good.

But that hardly concerns me unless it conflicts with what I want out of life, which it may, but we haven't gotten married yet so I don't have to think about those things, enjoy the moment, eh? And the moment is his personality. I like his personality. I think that because his life reflects something so negative that my parents think that's all there is to him, this negativity. His life doesn't represent his positive aspects, that's what I experience within his personality. And I value the positive things I've seen because I honestly haven't seen very many of them in any other people - even people who don't have such negative psychological issues being broadcasted within their actions and the their life.

And I like John too. His sincerity speaks to me. I hate it because it seems to contradict him so much sometimes. But I don't actually feel like he's a liar. He's conflicted, if anything, but not a liar. He's not pretending to be sincere, it's just that not all of him is sincere, or in accordance to that sincerity. Some of himself is conflicted with what I like of him. I just don't know who wins these small battles, or the bigger battle. If I were to get involved with John, who would I be getting involved with? It's like an arm wrestling match and I just don't know who is going to be the strongest in the end... Who would I end up with? Whose will is strong enough to beat the other and thus make the decisions?

It seems like, so far, his sincerity has been losing. I see it, but it doesn't seem to be active. Or perhaps it's not so much that it's sincerity verses nonsincerity. It's actually that he's sincere about conflicting or contradictory things. Like he's sincere about loving Lyla as well as being sincere that he loves me. The fact that he wants to break up with Lyla should contradict that he loves her sincerely but it doesn't seem to.

I may not have explained that as it made sense in my head, but I'm too exhausted to try again.

It's because I was on a groove and then I remembered something else about him that added a new light to what I was saying so I should have needed to start my whole story over again to add in the new evidence that gave it a new light but I tried to patch it up in the end instead of begin anew. I hate it when that happens.

I feel good about this journal entry. I feel like I've been really honest and straightforward. Perhaps I've felt a little shady lately, what with dodging Kristen, John and Dan's feelings for me and fighting with Amelia - I haven't had any honesty and straightforwardness lately..

and Dan just called and ruined my high, thanks.