Why am I attracted to John? Whyyyyyyyyyy??? It's pure attraction. The stuff that thrills you into forgetting reality, cause all you want to do is make your desire a reality. I wouldn't say it's as much about sex as it is about the thrill of our attraction that is displayed during sex. Or at least from what I've seen.

I just feel this adrenaline when I talk to him. And when I ask myself where it comes from it seems to come from some fantasy that John and I have something special. Like our mutual attraction is unique and spectacular and thus exciting and thus it gets my adrenaline going.

It's such a big fat lie, so why does it keep coming back?

And can I just say in my most spiteful writing-voice that if anyone is using me for sex it's the exact same person who accused Dan of using me for sex "coughJohncough"!

Ugh, this attraction in my system is really getting depressed at my dosage of reality. It's conflicting. :(