So I had this dream about meeting Dan... I guess we planned it beforehand and he came to pick me up in a car. At my house. Which is improbable but whatever. He also came with his mom, dad, sister and brother. I guess I was still packing a little bit so his brother and his dad went into my garage and since my dad does a lot of remodeling, there were two places where he had begun to build a door in the wall or whatever. One was really against a wall but the other was sort of traces into where some beams were, can't explain it better than that. In any case, the point is that his brother decided that he would make a door like two feet away from the door my dad had made on the beams. I think he actually took apart some beams and put them in a different place which is as easy as making cake in my dreams, so I had to stop him before he destroyed my dad's work some more. And then his dad had traced an outline of a door he wanted a couple feet from the door on the wall that my dad had traced. It'll make a lot more sense if you think of them as pencil outlines for where the door would be cut out. And he began to saw it or cut it a little but I stopped him before there was any damage.

Then I guess I went to the car, there was something about somebody's wedding and his little sister, I suppose, really thought the flower girl was cute and she mentioned it to me. See, I made Dan get out of the car because for some reason he wanted me to climb over him and sit on the opposite side of where I was and it didn't make sense to walk around to the other side, I'm not sure why, perhaps because his dad was on the other side because after Dan got out and I got in, I was between him and his dad.

So originally Dan was driving but in dreams, car interiors seem to reverse right underneath your bum, so there ended up being nobody in the driver's seat but we can't concern ourselves with that. All I remember is someone driving away from my house and I leaned my head on Dan's shoulder and then kissed him. Owing to the position it was a soft kiss. Ironically, the tonguing was soft but his teeth were sharp. In real life, I don't think he could have kissed me at all if I was snuggled into his neck but whatever. It was a good kiss. But then he got distracted, owing to the fact that he had to get out at somebody's wedding, who we'd just arrived at.

I don't even know what it was about, I guess I wasn't in the loop during the dream. He had to pretend something with Tiffany and then he might have had to do it again. And I wondered if him losing concentration on my kissing was his way of pulling away and preparing for somebody else because I wonder how that feels, to have feelings for more than one person and have to switch your emotions and concentration back and forth. Hell, I know what that feels like, and it's surprisingly not that bad. But in the dream, it was almost like his switching gears was like pulling up a poker face and get ready to lie. I suppose I can't explain it well enough because I don't even know what the hell he was going to do, I just know he had a responsibility to other women.

Pretty much the dream ended with his little sister commenting on the flower girl, and the only reason I mentioned it at the beginning of the dream is that at this point, it was like we were commenting again. Like we'd already seen her and she said, "look there she is again." kind of thing.

Dan's vibe is always slightly different, slightly foreign in dreams. I can still tell it's him but it really is like I'm meeting him anew. Which I would be and that's why it's accurate, he would have a foreign vibe in person, I just wonder if he'd have the same vibe in my dreams, I'd venture to say not. But oh well, I can enjoy them anyway.

I have other things on my mind though. John and his hypocrisy. I suppose I should be grateful... after my peptalk about just "going for it" with guys, instead of needing a guarantee that it's going to be a significant relationship... I did actually begin to go for it with John and Dan. Dan's always receptive. John is always jealous of Dan. Whatever. I don't need a possessive, controlling boyfriend anyway. Who does? I guess I suddenly went from only wanting to use John for sex, or a lesser rated sexual act like, say, heavy petting... to nearly sending him a message saying that I liked him. He got mad and I wanted to assure him that I like him and he should forget about Dan cause it's irrelevant and hypocritical while he's also got Lyla to even the score. But by the end of the message I was like What, the, fuck, am, I, fighting, for???? Seriously. So I finally convince John I like him and then what?

I don't know how that happened. Every time I thought of kissing him in my head I really only pictured us kissing and me using him specifically and exclusively for that. I wouldn't care if he went to Lyla's house right after. I just wanted some action. But then I fucked that up in my head. Before I could do anything about it, John and I fought a bit more over Dan. And the next day he said,

bizzythekid1030 (12:07:25 am): lyla is asking me what happend between you and I
IAMSpartacus117 (12:07:32 am): eh?
IAMSpartacus117 (12:07:36 am): when?
bizzythekid1030 (12:07:41 am): at your house
IAMSpartacus117 (12:07:49 am): why is she asking now?
bizzythekid1030 (12:07:57 am): we got to talking about alot of things
IAMSpartacus117 (12:08:15 am): you can tell her how fantastic of an oatmeal cooker I am.
bizzythekid1030 (12:08:51 am): BizZyTheKiD1030 (12:08:25 AM): we made out and she made me oatmeal
IAMSpartacus117 (12:09:00 am): bah
IAMSpartacus117 (12:09:15 am): you forgot the heavy petting
bizzythekid1030 (12:09:24 am): hah
bizzythekid1030 (12:09:33 am): you know i was thinking last night
bizzythekid1030 (12:09:45 am): i really have no reason to be upset when you mention someone
IAMSpartacus117 (12:11:38 am): why?
bizzythekid1030 (12:12:20 am): you dont belong to me, we are friends
bizzythekid1030 (12:12:25 am): your life is yours to live
IAMSpartacus117 (12:12:30 am): and you have no feelings for me?
bizzythekid1030 (12:12:41 am): no i do, but its pointless
IAMSpartacus117 (12:13:53 am): why?
bizzythekid1030 (12:14:23 am): idk, like i cant see us in a relationship
IAMSpartacus117 (12:14:40 am): why?
bizzythekid1030 (12:14:55 am): look at how we argue
IAMSpartacus117 (12:15:01 am): ???
bizzythekid1030 (12:15:15 am): we get worked up about the smallest things
IAMSpartacus117 (12:15:24 am): that's exactly what couples do.
bizzythekid1030 (12:15:42 am): but we arent a couple
IAMSpartacus117 (12:18:11 am): okay well that's fine, because Dan and I are much closer than you and I.
bizzythekid1030 (12:18:35 am): ok?
IAMSpartacus117 (12:19:39 am): I mean that if I'm not involved with you I can devote myself to Dan. and if you're not involved with me you can devote yourself to Lyla, so it's better if we don't get involved.
IAMSpartacus117 (12:25:17 am): k, well I guess it's agreed, we'll be.. platonic.
bizzythekid1030 (12:25:36 am): sure
IAMSpartacus117 (12:25:37 am): I'm gonna play Rummy with Kristen so I'll talk to you some other time.
IAMSpartacus117 (12:25:39 am): ta.
bizzythekid1030 (12:25:40 am): k

I don't know what he meant by fighting, he said we got worked up but he really only meant that he gets jealous of Dan because he wants me, so he can't want me because he wants me, so we can't date because when he wants me he gets jealous.

That's my interpretation of his logic. But here's how I see it, if I'm horny, which I am, every second of every day, and I suppose I sort of like him, which I guess I wasn't putting into the equation until now... then we'll only end up hanging out and making out and it will end with him telling me he wants to stay with Lyla. But honestly, he just said that we'll never date even though he has feelings for me, which is his way of skipping a few steps and basically just telling me he wants to stay with Lyla.

There we go, problem solved.

So I don't get any action, which is a bummer. But whatever. I'm only sparing myself. He's only sparing me.

The day before I left we were talking about sex, I guess, and earlier on I told him that I was probably not going to have sex for a few years, except, I couldn't lie, if Dan came down in May. Which made John jealous so later on in the evening he asked me if I wanted to have sex with him and I told him that I was attracted to the idea but that doesn't mean I'd execute in a snap decision. Which is honestly the exact same thing for Dan. I'm not saying I WILL have sex with Dan next time I see him. I'm only saying that I will have the opportunity and I'm more likely to have sex when I have the opportunity than when I don't. Thus, I'm more likely to have sex. And since Dan and I are close, it's seems probable that we would want to get closer. That's the whole point of meeting up.

In any case, I think that John felt that I had already agreed to sleep with Dan but I was uncertain about sleeping with him. Which isn't really accurate but try telling him that. I guess I don't need to at this point. I need to let him go, but it's just so tempting to keep running around in this cycle.

It's insane. I thought it would be a productive idea to "go for it" with someone but WHO? JOHN AND DAN? John will never go for it with me, why was I even pretending he was serious with me, serious enough to get me to wonder if I was serious with him or not. Which I concluded that I should stop pretending I wasn't and "go for it". And Dan? Aren't we just doing over what we did last spring. Jen in the background, however prominent. Him and I loving each other but not being able to do anything to show it except express it, which really gets a bit repetitive if it's not leading to any other expression...

How is "going for it" in any way, shape, or form productive. I'm only back where I started in 2007. Back to repeat the same mistakes all over again. Because it's a mistake to get stuck. And that's what I'm doing. I'm hopping on the treadmill with the intention of moving forward, and I'll never make any forward movements. What am I supposed to do? Wait until I get a boyfriend from college? Again, a repeat of 2007, only we already know that I didn't get a boyfriend. It's too hard to make friends, it's too hard to find someone suitable to my needs.

I'm left with my attraction to John, and my love and compatibility with Dan. The first is out of the question cause he'll only leave me hanging. and the second can't get me anywhere if he lives in Michigan. Bah.

I didn't even get to bitch about how things are going with Kristen....