[03:29] BizZyTheKiD1030: its funny that you say i dont appreciate you
[03:30] IAMSpartacus117: it's funny that you always have conflicting statements like: I like you, but I don't like you coexisting at the same time.
[03:30] IAMSpartacus117: you'd think they'd cancel each other out and make everything you say automatically bullshit.

I love my lines. I was mimicking and mocking his "it's funny" because it's so damn obnoxious. It's his way of saying, for example, "it's ironic that you think I don't appreciate you when I actually worship the ground you tread on." That probably wasn't what he was actually going to say but he says things that imply that I'm too stupid to see the truth so I say statements like "you don't appreciate me." So I mocked that cause I had a sudden urge to lash out, and the spite is apparent in what I chose to use to mock him with, which is his hypocritical opinions. I haven't really mentioned them to him up until now. I couldn't resist.

It shouldn't really be relevant. The reason the whole thing was brought up is that I realized how easily John passes up things like hanging out with me, kissing me, sleeping in the same bed as me, having sex with me, dating me etc etc. When meanwhile, Dan and I would kill for the opportunity to be ten minutes away from each other. Ten minutes away like John.

The remark I made was meant to illustrate the irony that those who don't want me are able to have me, such as John, and those who do want me aren't able to have me, such as Dan. But I said it badly and it ended up offending John. I sort of called him stupid for not appreciating me. Which is rude to say because nobody needs to appreciate me. The only reason I can get away with mentioning it at all is that John is always on the brink of having feelings for me but then rejecting them or ignoring them. Which is where the hypocritical statements come in. "I want to date you, but I don't want to date you."

I wish he would just stick to, I don't want to date you. And then I wouldn't call him stupid for not appreciating me because if some random person isn't in love with me I really won't be offended. There's nothing to even appreciate unless we're in love with each other. And clearly there are one or two hindrances to that fact.

He told me that I didn't know what I was missing with him. Originally, he told me that Scooby-Doo had been put down. And I told him that I was glad he wasn't my boyfriend. I didn't explain it at all. But what led me to say that was that the first thoughts going through my head were how mean he was to tell me that my favorite dog had been put down. Which clearly shows that he enjoys making me unhappy. And that's why I was glad he wasn't my boyfriend because boyfriends are supposed to do the exact opposite. I want someone who wants to make me happy. It's not an impossible task.

But I didn't feel up to explaining that so I said nothing in explanation and later on he said his snide, It's funny that you say you're glad I'm not your boyfriend because you don't know how good of a boyfriend I'd be. Ahem, well, I replied that he didn't know how good of a girlfriend I would be. But he claims he actually does know how good of a girlfriend I'd be, except, apparently, we wouldn't get along or some such bullshit.

That's apparently his newest lie. That if we were dating, we would be miserable. I have to say, I pretty much used it a few months ago. But that was in a fit of pessimism. We weren't really friends then and I hated him and I didn't want to get along with him, I thought we were incompatible. Now that I'm concentrating on our chemistry I find it worth a try. There's nothing like seeing what happens, but he doesn't wish to because he wishes to stay with Lyla, which by the way I find a pretty unhappy relationship. I know this because I'm the one he complains to.

And yet again we have the hypocrisy of his statement. Believe me, I know you'd be a good girlfriend to me, but on second thought, you wouldn't be a good enough girlfriend to me.

I think my opinion of "good girlfriend" is not someone miraculously compatible but someone willing to make things work. If I were to date John I would be willing to be supportive, agreeable, friendly and optimistic. As far as my will goes, I will not allow him to try to control me or dominate me. And that's what I was thinking of when I said we didn't get along. He kept trying to manipulate me the last time our friendship ended and I, naturally, allow for no such thing. This past month or so he's been very good about letting me be myself, not struggling to control me and the like.

But my point is, and was, that he doesn't realize that I'm a good girlfriend because I can make things work provided the other person isn't impossible. So the question is, does John want to make things work? Because if there's a way, I'm the will to get there. The problem with a relationship is that one will isn't enough, two wills need to work together to make the product: a good relationship. John doesn't want us to have a good relationship in his mind, probably because he wants to pretend like there's a good reason not to date me, since he'd rather stay with Lyla.

In reality, if he wanted it to work, it would work. However, some people want everything to be miserable and turn out horribly. I found that quality in John. Ever since his parents died. Because now, since his parents have died, he feels that he's justified in believing that life is against him and nothing will turn out good, everything will fail and make him a victim. I wouldn't fail. Perhaps he knows that and that's why he's got to avoid me. He needs to allow his problems to thrive so he has at least some excuse to feel sorry for himself.

I know all of this already. I wish he would just shut the fuck up. He's always going around in circles. I like you...... wait, I don't. I like you.... wait, it won't work. I like you.... wait, I refuse to date you anyway.

I haven't asked him to have feelings for me. I don't recall even once telling him I have feelings for him. I did state a hypothetical "if I had feelings for you" once or twice but that was to illustrate the love triangle thing I had going on, which I thought was funny.

I have had feelings for him but I haven't made a move on him. In fact, I've lied rather a lot. He does it too. At random times we each state that we don't have feelings for each other, just to save face. He'll do it just days after he's told me he has feelings for me. A lot of the time he says it for me. He says, "and we both know that neither of us have feelings for each other." and I don't disagree.

God, why does he think he has feelings for me? It's so clear that he doesn't. His emotions are the exact opposite of sincere. His statements are always hypocritical or are contradicted days later. He knows and I know and I bet Lyla knows that he doesn't want to be with me. Why does he even entertain these faux feelings for me? What purpose does it serve? Except to make another problem for which he's the victim. Wahhhh.

Bah. I wouldn't talk to him at all if I didn't want the company. I'm not giving him anything. That's why I haven't been sincere with him, I've kept a distance between us. When he tells me one minute that he wants to hang out and the next that he doesn't want to hang out I don't act like I care. I always show apathy. The warmest thing I've said to him is probably when I was trying to convince him that I didn't think he was an idiot.

I talk about the past a lot. And I flirt with him a little harmlessly. Sort of hypothetical things. Like, Well I'm great at sex and it's just too bad you'll never get to experience it. Not that I've said that but each time I flirt I acknowledge the reality that we can't act on it. He says maybe and I say it isn't likely. now I'm the pessimistic one but it is realistic.

He asked me if Dan was still coming in May to fuck me. Ahem. He thinks Dan is using me for sex, to which we feel compelled to reply: It takes one to know one. In any case I told him that Dan was coming to visit me in May. And that if our attraction happened to lead to sex.. that I would be on top and then technically I'd be the one fucking him. Which isn't true, I'd probably not be on top if I could manage it.

But he insulted me by making it seem like I was a helpless woman doomed to just be fucked by men more powerful than I am. Yeah, right. Anything to make me see Dan as the "bad guy" so that I won't sleep with him. Which is why I turned it around to imply that if there was any "fucking over" going on then it would probably be me - me in control.

In reality, I don't think either of us are going to be hurting each other. Dan and I make a much better team than arch nemeses. I don't plan to take advantage of Dan and I don't believe that he would take advantage of me but here's the thing.. I could be foolish about Dan, as people can sometimes be fooled by people. The reason I'm not afraid is that I don't think if Dan was fooling me, he could take advantage of me anyway. I don't think he could do any real damage. I have a lot of power and a lot of defenses at that. I'm not a helpless woman who can be fucked by men, thanks John.

My defenses always seem to be absent with John though, like every move I make that regards him is automatically a rash decision. I asked my mom if we had karma cause I thought that might explain the reason we seem attracted to each other to no avail. But she said we didn't. It seems to be that there are no productive decisions regarding John. Except to not regard him at all, to have nothing to do with him. Which is a decision I can't seem to make without his help. And he seems inclined to be friends with me so I can't really resist it. Like I said, I need the company. I get bored without somebody to chat to at random points during the day.

But it's like, every move I make with John just sucks. He's so extremely counterproductive. He undoes all the production I do. I think that's because he's so hypocritical. He's all over the board. I guess I am too, all over the board that is. Like when I'm hot, he's cold and when I'm cold he's hot. If he just stayed cold, than I could make a productive decision but he keeps changing his mind and his attitude and his personality and I keep making decisions based on his personality at the given time, but all my decisions are thwarted by the fact that tomorrow he's acting the opposite and my decisions end up making no sense anymore.

Like if I decide, okay let's be friends because you already have a girlfriend. Tomorrow, he's broken up with her [for five minutes] and I foolishly make a new decision, like, Let's hang out. But then the next day he's back with her again and my decision to hang out is useless and he'll probably say something like, Let's just be friends and make it seem like he's disagreeing with me because I want to hang out when really I gladly except that we should stay friends and not hang out, the only reason I said let's hang out is because you said you and Lyla weren't together. etc etc. It goes on in that manner.

Any decision I make is opposed by his new reality and my stupidity lies in the fact that I keep... believing him. Not that I'm a complete fool otherwise I wouldn't be able to say this now but it's like I don't care that he's making a fool of me cause I have that inexplicable attraction to him - that I wanted to explain by karma. I don't understand what lies beneath the attraction.

You know? Sometimes you just know that you're not going to put up with someone's bullshit. Look at how quickly I've shot down so many guys' advances. So why do I not feel that I should shoot down John's advances? What's the attraction? I don't know.