I think that I have an aversion to all things bad, like jealousy and rejection and betrayal, as anyone else does. But instead of being gullible, and trusting people to not put me in a situation where I have to choose between ignoring the obvious or otherwise feeling pain... I have to protect myself. Perhaps when I said that I wasn't afraid of pain I actually meant that I wasn't afraid of anyone else hurting me because I knew they couldn't do it, I protect myself too well.

It comes from not being close to people and not caring. I don't need people, so as soon as I feel the dark cloud of pain heading in my direction, I rationalize not caring about someone. Every time I see something about Lyla that John has put somewhere on his myspace, whether in a picture or a status update or an away message... I tell myself not to care about him, before the fact that I do care about him can make me jealous and betrayed and insecure because he obviously loves Lyla, and more than me. So I tell myself not to want him. And then I don't.

I have to stop running away from pain.

If I decide to be risky enough to jump out of the plane, i.e. allow things with John or Dan to take their natural course, I can't bail out at any sign of pain. I have to take what comes with these decisions. Which means that I have to make these decisions knowing full well that I may have to suck up the jealousy of both guys having feelings for someone else, and little should that matter to me since both guys know I have feelings for the other guy. What comes around goes around. or what goes around comes around. Both. For them and for me.

But the idea of putting myself through that, of thinking that far ahead makes me say Fuck it. Fuck commitment cause truly, I don't need them. I don't need friends and lovers. Okay, so I think about sex every single minute of every single day with a passion that can just be described in a thousand artistic, articulate ways to make you understand the depth and strength of it...

But I don't need a lover.

*sigh* How can I make myself want to put up with this shit? I don't want to trust anybody, who needs it? It's fool hearty or is it foolhardy? One of the two. It's dumb, in any case. I shouldn't have to depend on another person to put their own wants and needs aside so that they can keep my emotional body undisturbed.

But I want my emotional body undisturbed, who doesn't? And since I'm so content with being a hermit, it seems like the best thing to do is just be a hermit, and thus, not give anyone access to the pool of my emotions, they can't stir the waters - everyone's happy. Except those guys who I have to keep turning down (and girls too) but they'll move on... Most of them do.

Meh.