Am I paranoid? I feel like Kristen is ashamed of me. Which is why I've been ignoring her. Because we kissed in December and a few days after she took a survey that asked where her last kiss took place and she said she couldn't remember. So then in my surveys I said I wouldn't kiss the last person I kissed again. And she sent me a text asking me who that was, and when I said her, she asked about my survey. And I told her about her survey and she said that she'd forgotten.

But even before that when she slept over at my house and the snow kept her here a second day, she said "snowed in" on her update thing, but she didn't say at my house. And when we went to NYC, she left me out of all of her stuff except that time that she said she was going around NYC with me and umm what's his name? I forget. Anyway, the guy she likes. And I thinks he only included me because she wanted to say that she'd be with him, and it would be too obvious to leave me out.

I could be totally wrong about this, but she's said point blank that none of her friends like me. And every time she and I take a picture of us together, she puts it up for a couple days and then she takes it off. I know she changes her pictures a lot and there may be other friends that she takes off after a few days as well, but there are some that stay on there forever.

Plus, every time we hang out she moves me up on her top friends, like I ask her to, but I don't. And then as soon as she gets back home, she moves me back down the list. Sometimes I'm not even on at all. If it means nothing, there's no reason to move everybody ALL THE TIME. And if it means something, then it's like she's saying "you're important today" "you're not important today" "you're important today" etc etc. She's mentioned that it's hard to please everybody, because there are so many friends and they probably all get offended if they're not at the very top. But that's not what offends me. What offends me is that I keep moving.

It's like she's at my house and we're having fun and she rewards me by putting me in like spot eight. And then the next day she's putting two or three people ahead of me, like saying, they mean more to her than me. And as I said, that would be alright. If it was constant. If I knew where I stood with her, instead of feeling like she's rejecting me at random. Like I didn't do enough to earn her friendship.

In fact, last time we had a fight, the one that lasted for a few months, that was one of the reasons why it happened, on my side. Because I was sick of feeling like I had to suck up, like I had to compete for her affection by doing all those myspace tricks for her: sending her comments, picture comments etc.

I know I'm insecure and picky about friends. I want them to be a certain way, and because I know they won't be the way I want them to be, I usually say to hell with it and don't have any friends at all. This is why I haven't said anything to her. But it's hard, everybody wants a friend who will fight for them, instead of nod along.

Like when she had been bitching over and over again about how she hates everybody around town here, all her friends are in Potsdam, where she goes to college. And everybody around her is overdramatic and stupid. She said, except for two. Me and Chris. She meant also Ashley though, cause she bitches about Ashley all the time but her and Ashley are close and btw, that's one of the pictures she always has up; her and Ashley. The other day she even put her and Kyle up.

In any case, when she said that nobody liked me, I reminded her that nobody in this town likes me, and since she doesn't like them anyway, it shouldn't matter. All her important friends have never met me.

The reason I bring this up now is because yesterday I hung out with John. And his away message said that he was going to Mike's. Which was true, he was going to Mike's and then I was going to pick him up from Mike's house. And then I was going to drop him off at Mike's house. Originally, I didn't know that he was at Mike's house from the start, so I was offended that he didn't mention me because I know that he's not mentioning me because of Lyla.

Even though all of his friends also hate me, like way back when, when he told Hannah he wouldn't talk to me anymore cause she hates me and didn't want him to talk to me. He planned to still talk to me, but he agreed not to, to her face. But otherwise, I don't really feel like he's ashamed of me.

But he has always tried to keep me a secret from Lyla. Either because he doesn't want to hurt her or because he's also agreeing to her that he won't talk to me anymore and won't hang out with me - but still doing it. So he knows if he's honest, he'll have to listen to her cry and bitch.

He's not dating her right now though. But it still seems sensible not to mention me. So he's not. I'm not in his away message or on any single question in his bulletin. Last hug? Mike. Person hung out with last night? Mike. Which is fair because on mine, I said that the person I hung out with last night was Amelia, even though I also hung out with John last night before Amelia. Last kiss? He said something like "that one time." Perfectly evasive.

And I mean, who really likes to be hidden? It seems like everybody has one reason or another to hide me. Even in 3rd grade, I became friends with a girl named Amanda and she was friends with Blanca, who didn't like me. And Blanca told her that she couldn't be friends with me anymore, if she wanted to stay friends with Blanca. So she told Blanca she wasn't friends with me but she would still play with me during recess, only we'd hide from Blanca.

I mean, alright, I could look at it as, none of these people actually stopped talking to me or hanging out with me even though they were given that ultimatum. They all lied so they could have their cake and eat it too. Which is alright in this case, because it's only the other stupid people who are so insecure they have to try to control everybody by giving out these types of ultimatums in the first place.

Maybe if I tried to force other people to give ultimatums they might try to hide someone else for me too. But 1. I'm so insecure I surpass that, I'm not secure enough to believe anybody would do something like that for me, so I'm too afraid to try to get them to do it. Too afraid they'll say no, or pick the other person.

and 2. at this point in my life, I could care less. If I can handle being the hidden person, being essentially, non existent, a dirty little secret. Then I can obviously handle the other person being the main focus of their lives, like their girlfriend. And wouldn't even need to try to keep them out of these people's lives.

Did that make sense? I explained it funny.

Anyway... To be fair, I'm very cold and distant. I already told John I didn't have feelings for him and when he asked if he could come back to my house I said maybe. I kept saying things like that. I didn't reject him in any way, but I was careful not to be overly enthusiastic. Because that's not how I feel. And in not being enthusiastic, he still felt a little rejected anyway.

So, maybe I deserve the same treatment. Same with Kristen, I didn't say in my update that I was going to NYC with her. I can't remember what I said, something like "melissa is gone!" Maybe she notices that and feels hurt by it. I will say that she took note of the fact that she was number one on my top friends, so there's no bitching about that. John won't even put me in his top friends because of Lyla.

I don't know, like I said... perhaps I can take it offensively, perhaps it can even be a compliment because people put in ultimatums are put in tough positions and I'm just glad I'm not on a power-trip, trying to force other people to please me, because it's not a respectable quality. And I'm proud to know that I can handle not always getting my way with people, even though I normally just tell myself to not be their friend at all.... not the best way to handle these situations.

But also, as I said, it's simply nice to be fought for. When John came over one time, can't remember which time, but obviously we messed around... and he left and, well, more or less each time, he left and went back to Lyla and told me he couldn't be friends with me anymore. He definitely didn't fight for me.

Kristen doesn't stick up for me when people say bad things about me. I know that. She doesn't stick up for her other friends when I bitch about them. She mostly agrees and talks shit about them. I've mostly gotten along well with Kristen, so I don't know what she could bitch about behind my back. But it's her way.

I guess it's my test. Usually I try to punish them, or get revenge by not talking to them at all. Or I'll say in my head, WELL FINE IF SHE'S ASHAMED OF KISSING ME THEN I JUST WON'T KISS HER AT ALL! But I'm not good at keeping that up.

My other choice is to just communicate with them. About how I feel. I just don't like to. I don't like to tell people I'm hurt. If I'm hurt about something they do, I'll try to make them feel guilty about it by accusing them of being "wrong" about something.

Like, if Amelia doesn't pick up after herself around the house. And I want her to, for personal reasons. Like maybe I just cleaned the entire house and I want to keep it clean for a day, otherwise the work was useless. (Alright, Buddhism, I know everything is impermanent) But hypothetically speaking.. I will not ask her, personally, if she will please not make a mess in the area I just cleaned up. I can't ask her for a favor. In fact, I can't ask people questions at all. 1. because of fear that I'll be rejected because I have a seemingly inherent self-loathing and tell myself I don't deserve it.

And 2. because of pride. Same thing as admitting I'm wrong. Perhaps the self-loathing is what makes me prideful. Because if you believe you deserve to be loved, all the time, any time, you won't try to earn love with prideful achievements. You'd win an award or have a talent and you'd not be worth anymore love than before because you were already worth all the love in the world before you had earned some achievement. So if I'm afraid to be have humility, afraid to say sorry, admit I'm wrong, or lose face in anyway, it's because I feel like if I lose face, I won't deserve love. Thus, I have to do everything I can to always be right, to never be submissive etc etc. Then I'll still deserve to be loved. (in this way of logic)

So I don't ask questions. I never say "will you ..." I always say it sarcastically or something. Like, "gosh, what a clean house we'd have if you'd only pick up after yourself." And that's my way of asking. But usually I do it in such an offensive manner, that they get all defensive and we get in a huge argument. Happens all the time. And sometimes I mean to say it very offensively, because that's what I do. Instead of making it seem like I, personally, need something. I make it seem like, it would be better for the entire universe if they would do this.

Like, the RIGHT thing (as in, just plain "right and wrong") to do is, whatever I want them to do. And they're definitely WRONG to do it their way. And because I have that lawyer complex, I can sit there and list a million reasons why they're just plain wrong to do what they're doing. I never get what I want, all I do is make enemies. But c'est la vie.

I'm terrible at putting my feelings into another's hands. I can't emotionally communicate on the same level with very many people, hardly any... because I'm trying to be on a ledge just out of their reach, so that I'm protected. I'm never on the same level as them, because then I risk contact, and I risk violent or negative emotional contact. And that's my fear, I fear getting hurt.

I fear what I told myself was inevitable - that I would be rejected in every way, shape or form, because I believed I didn't deserve anything more.


It seems like the one constant mission I have in life, is to merely learn to love myself. The first time I asked my mom how much I loved myself it was 30%. I know it's more than that, by this point. But I probably still have a long way to go. Underlying all my motivation, it seems all the bad choices I make originate from the wrong belief that I'm unlovable.

I know it's a wrong belief. But I haven't undone all the branches that have grown from that belief. It's almost like, I can't get myself to emotionally believe that I deserve love, because there are too many small but basic assumptions which form my perception of myself, that have been born out of the belief that I'm unlovable. To just kick out that belief that I'm unlovable, would be to tear away my entire view of reality. It would be too drastic, it would just harm me.

And that's why I start small. I search for all the small branches that are infused with this wrong belief, and I set them straight. I seek the bad logic and I replace it with good logic. And little by little I undo this reality I've given myself, where I'm unlovable.

And maybe by my early 20's I'll be near 100%. Because at the rate I'm going, it shouldn't take more than a few years. It's only been about 3, and I must have gained 30-50%. I know I deserve to be loved, I just have to start practicing it. I have to put it into action. I have to start acting like it's true for me. Because I don't act like it's true for me right now. I act just the opposite. The way I communicate - or don't communicate, the fear I have of getting close to people, my defensiveness, my fighting, my protective walls...

I'm at the point where I can say: I deserve love, because... But this is conditional love. Every time I have a flaw, I tell myself that I still deserve love because I can change my flaws. Or I say, I still deserve love because I'm better than I used to be.

And the intent is good, because that's my goal, to shed away the course skin, the flaws that don't need to be there because they're not the real me. But if I truly loved myself, I would be able to admit that no matter how many flaws I'm currently wearing, I'm still lovable.

Like someone who naturally doesn't have any zits, but some days one or two pop up. And on a normal day they're beautiful, without the zits. But they need to still recognize that despite the fact that they're sporting a zit, they're still beautiful. It's not like, "well, I'm still beautiful because tomorrow the zit will go away." It's supposed to be, "I'm still beautiful, and no matter how flawed this little zit is, it doesn't matter that I'm wearing it. It doesn't take away from the truth, that I'm beautiful."

I've grown a lot. Made progress. Because I've learned to be alone and pretty much okay with it, I've begun to be introspective. Instead of wasting my time concentrating on the external world, or friends or relationships... I've spent a lot of time concentrating on myself. I still get distracted, usually when someone sparks my very crazy defensiveness. I can go on for hours defending myself if it's set off just the tiniest bit. And I forget, that it's not about them, it's about me. I forget that it's useless trying to change them, I have to change me.

Yet, when I'm not distracted I am making progress. And it's an ongoing process, that's what life essentially is, an ongoing process. But I like it. It may have been nice to be born with 100% love for myself. but I enjoy the sense of purpose. And I also struggle with my compassion for humanity. For the people who stuck on lower levels. Who don't love themselves and torture themselves in so many ways.

And maybe that's why I wanted to be born with so little love for myself. Because I had to help bridge the gap. You can't jump from 0% to 100%. It's not likely that anybody at 0% would have enough motivation to try. You have to take it one step at a time, I think.

I would hate to sit there at 100% and look down, so far down, at those stranded at the bottom, at 0% or around there. It's hard, to see them so far away from 100% and be optimistic that they'll ever get anywhere. It distresses me. But now I know, first-hand, that it can be done. For each person, the HOW is going to be different. I can't tell someone how. But I can believe that it CAN be done. I can know that it Can be done. I can prove that it Can be done. I can teach and show that it Can be. I can encourage others to do it, because I now believe that it can be done. I can have hope that it can be done.