Wow, what a reality I had when I was with Mike. So different from today. I like being close to people. I like that feeling. It's soothing.

Damn, was I close to Mike.. Joined at the hip. I'm far more reserved than I seemed to be. My lack of reserve when I was younger used to make me very uncomfortable.

I think what astounds me is that I had so much interaction with his family as well. That being a part of his life was to be present in their lives. I guess that makes sense because him and I were always together so if they wanted to be with him they had to be with me. And likewise, if I wanted to be with him, sometimes I had to be with them.

There was a lot of fighting though. Between Mike and I. A lot of childish fighting. Always.

And there was a lot of anger. I felt negatively towards everybody, back then. From Shannon, to Mike (during those childish fights), to my mom, to his family... Everything made me angry. I felt like everybody was ridiculous and I couldn't bear it.

There's a danger in being so attached to someone. I was pretty possessive of Mike. He no longer had his own world. He was part of me, part of my life, part of my reality. I was possessive of that.

And the funny thing is, that instead of him imposing on my life, I imposed on his life. We never had that dynamic around my family. I know that when my parents would go somewhere, I always wanted to bring Mike with me. I never wanted to go anywhere without him. But Mike didn't really want to go with me. My parents were not the type of people you could be yourself around. Too conservative and judgmental. Exactly opposite of his mom and his sister.

I had a semi-relationship with his family. But he didn't have anything at all with my family. He hardly even talked to them.

I was far too aggressive, wasn't I. So dominant and selfish. Always eager to get my way, always feisty enough to fight for my way.

That may be what has changed. It's not that I don't still want my way, it's only that I used to try to get my way by changing the world. In order for my reality to please me I had to try to dominate everyone else. These days I've grown distant from people, so that my reality has broken away from them all. It's a separate thing, it's a private thing. I can retreat into my reality any time I have a problem with someone.

I no longer have any bonds with people. If I think back to all the people that I conversed with. All the people that I wasn't so much close to, as I was involved with. Now I'm involved with nobody.

It scares me, to think that the next person I'm in a relationship with could be as close as Mike and I were. Actually, I know that I'll never be as close with anyone again. Mike and I hardly had separate skins. I know that this was the first time I was happy, comfortable, loved, in love. Even though there were still a lot of conflicts, with myself and with others, it was a turning point. Essentially, who we were together, pushed who I was in a new direction. I'll never need that again.

Well, I get less dependent each time. Dan was also a turning point. Because the person that had been growing inside of me since Mike and I had parted, was - well, I don't know that I had learned to be as comfortable in such a reality. And then Dan accepted who I was and complimented it with his own personality and it stabilized me.

I've only gotten more stable since then. And I'll probably only become more stable in the future. Perhaps the anger was displacement. I was frustrated that I couldn't change myself and I badly wanted to. I felt that I wanted to change everybody else, and it frustrated me when I couldn't influence them or force them to be who I wanted them to be. That's where I was while I was with Mike. Partly because of not having a separate skin. Each time I wanted to change me, I tried to change us, and therefore I was really trying to change him.

He needed to break away from me just as I needed to break away from him. But the anger dissipates the more I realize that I can change myself. Because that's who I wanted to change all along, I just displaced that and concentrated on the people around me, becoming angry that I couldn't change them, even though it was myself that I really couldn't, but wanted to change.

I get very... far away, from my current reality, when I read my old journal entries. I get pulled into these distant memories, into this oddly familiar reality that is so very different from the reality I now have. And the thing is, because I'm reading into the mind of who I was at that time, I'm hearing the interpretation of what I experienced at that time... I allow myself to get pulled into the mind that I used to have. And I can't make sense of it. Not the way I would at this time in my life.

I couldn't see the bigger picture back then. My journal entries are so entirely consumed with the smaller details. It's hard for me to recall that time, and be able to pull away from that and find some separate sight of the bigger picture.

At least I could read them without getting consumed with emotion. That always seems to happen, I get pulled into that more emotional time and I become sad, nostalgic, dependent, upset, angry or what have you. This time it only made me smile and laugh. Cause we had such a crazy cute relationship. So wonderful, and yet, so wild and unrealistic. Nothing I ever want to have again, but an amazing experience.