No dreams about John, which is good because he's apparently back with Lyla. And I'm ready to let that go.

I think I may have dreamed about Mike. Was I thinking about him before bed? It seems like I've been thinking about him, it must have been a dream. I have a lot of weird dreams.

I had a dream that Shannon kissed my neck. I felt violated when I woke up. That dream also had Kristen and John in it. It was a day or two ago.

What am I going to do today? The afternoon does not seem inviting. I can't wait until it's nighttime. I hope I don't go to bed early.

I do feel lonely. I want to interact with people. I want them in my life. Maybe I'm just ready. Ready to be tested. Because I've had so much trouble with it before, and then I stepped away to grow, and now I'm ready to get back in the game, so to speak.

James and John both weren't my boyfriend. But they were there for me to talk to. That's important as well, Dan is absolutely never there for me to talk to. My journal is a little stale. I can't ever talk to Kristen because she always interrupts me suddenly to leave. James and John were sort of stable forces. That is, until they left me.

And I liked having them come over. James more than John, and yet, I liked kissing John, which I didn't do with James. Plus I liked that James had an interest with Isis.

I need to find somebody satisfying. I told John that he loves Lyla and I love Dan, but neither of us are completely satisfied with our relationship to them, and that's why we've had an interest in each other. I'm not satisfied with Dan.

He's not enough for me. And although I love him, I'm not attached to him. I'm not willing to fight for him. Even if he were here or I was there, it still wouldn't be enough, I think.

I need to find someone to distract me or satisfy me. I can't let John do that to me again. It's been one too many times. But the reason I gave into John is not that I wanted to, it's that I didn't have a good enough reason not to. Because what else am I going to get?

I have nothing. I'm not close to anybody. I despair that I'll never be close to anyway. My mom says I have no karma with anyone in NY. That doesn't mean I can't find people to bond with, it just means that the initial attraction won't be present. Because people are attracted to whom they have karma with, so that they can balance their karma and move on. They'll never get anywhere if they only concentrate on everybody they've never had a lifetime with. They magnetize those they've already known in past lives.

I magnetized Dan, who was my mother in a past life. And he lives in Michigan! But of all the people I IMed that day, he was the only one who had an interest in responding back, who had an attraction to the situation, something that kept him and I, too, there long enough to click.

I just don't want to wait another year. I'll surely be in NY for that long. I'm becoming eager.